Episode 1000657538589

0:00 Voiceover I'm really looking forward to my sons tonight. Oh, correct. Just, I mean, just, you would have thought we were talking about fine art or something. Young males can go into wax, wax poetic, by far. Love Line may contain sexually oriented content and also mad scientist planning and how to do things with them in little bubbles.

0:21 Voiceover Listen to discretion advised.

1:09 Drew Perfect.

1:11 Adam Is there really, by the way, I don't remember when I was talking about stuff anymore. Maybe it was over at Kimmel, maybe it was here, but whoever smelt it dealt it.

1:20 Drew Oh, you and I talked about it.

1:21 Adam Was it on the air? I can't remember that. Can anything make less sense?

1:25 Drew Yeah.

1:25 Adam I mean, logically.

1:27 Drew Yeah.

1:27 Adam I mean, you're standing in an elevator, you're with cousin Sal, he blows a mammoth fart. You start retching like I'm gonna vomit, like, oh my God, oh my God. According to that logic, I've done it because I was the one who smelt it. It's really like, it's one of those things that we've, it's one of those adages that everyone just sort of went with, you know, like the dog can't smell his own ass, you know, these kinds of things that we just go, you just kind of go with, like, whoever smelt it, dog can't, possession is nine-tenths of the law. Really? Why are they always chasing people down who've stolen things? They're actually in the stolen car, but the cops are, no. What do you mean, possession? What is nine-tenths of the law, by the way? Law comes in tenths? I never understood about three-quarters of these things, even the S-rolls downhill. I understand what it means, but you ever take a duke and try to, engineer Chris, you ever take a duke, you ever take a dump like when you're camping and try to roll it down a hill? Of course, all the time. Yeah, it just gathers.

2:31 Drew Leaves.

2:32 Adam Berries and leaves and twigs. It barely goes anywhere. I have to keep moving it along with like a paper plate. Even then.

2:38 Drew Oh, you don't push with your nose or anything?

2:41 Adam During those father and son picnics, yeah, yeah, strange. My dad worked for a weird place. Yeah, yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, that one. And then the other one is, you know the one where, I don't know why, but the S ones never work. The S rolls downhill and the dog can't smell something. The other one I never liked either. You know what they mean, but then you break it down. It doesn't make any sense. Like when the guy's banging the hot secretary and the other guy goes, you don't S where you work, man. Well, first off, I'd beg to differ because if you head into the bathroom over a Kimmel.

3:15 Drew Or you don't eat where you S or what?

3:19 Adam You don't ask where you eat, you don't eat where you ask.

3:21 Drew Don't ask where you work.

3:23 Adam I don't know what any of that means. Anytime the S-ing works and people just sort of sign off on it and move ahead.

3:29 Drew Yeah, because you guys certainly do damage at Kimmel. Yeah. And you eat in the john.

3:33 Adam You don't ask where you eat, yep. Yeah, I don't buy it. I understand what they're saying. Don't bang the person you work with. But do better than the S. Go ahead and say that. That's all. All right, speaking of, yeah, I've had an ass full of things lately, Drew. I've got things to talk about.

3:49 Drew Go, go.

3:50 Adam Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Elizabeth from The Apprentice in Here Tomorrow Night. Very good show, by the way. Let me say this about The Apprentice. People don't really want to like The Apprentice. But Donald Trump, not the kind of guy you wait in line to like. You'd like to not like him, and you still cannot like him, but you have to admit it's a really good show. It's a really compelling show.

4:13 Drew I got a million things to ask her too.

4:15 Adam Will Arnett is in here tomorrow night from Arrested.

4:17 Drew No, Thursday night.

4:18 Adam Thursday night, I should say, from Arrested Development. All right, a couple of things I want to talk about. First off, I was reading that good old Dr. Kevorkian, the suicide assist doctor, still in jail in Michigan somewhere. Guy's 76 years old. His lawyer would like to see if he can get him paroled a little bit early, because parole doesn't come up until he's like 80. And I think it's a no can do on that. Really, this is really where we want to spend our hard-earned money. This is how it's gonna work. We got the, yeah, God forbid, Kevorkian and Tommy Chung are both walking the streets at the same time.

4:58 Drew Dangerous, dangerous.

4:59 Adam Well, you gotta-

4:59 Drew Statement.

5:00 Adam I mean, you gotta gang line type takeover. Yeah, yeah. It just drives me, it drives me berserk.

5:07 Drew I've got something along those same lines that I read on Yahoo News today that the crazy people against the morning after pill have finally declared themselves. Who are they? They are going after birth control pills in general. Remember I kept saying that it doesn't make any sense, they've gotta come after, well, pharmacists now are refusing to dispense any birth control pills.

5:29 Adam Well, I've heard that. I've heard the one. I didn't hear about all of them.

5:32 Drew It's starting to happen now. It's starting to happen rather regularly now, apparently.

5:35 Adam Yeah.

5:35 Drew And pharmacists are sort of gathering together, they get their rights. They have the right to do that. But the fact is, now this thing has resented itself. You're not gonna be able to have access to any form of birth control because it has a theoretic potential of interfering with implantation. We're talking about maybe one out of many, many, many, many thousands. Maybe hundreds of thousands of possibilities.

5:57 Adam How many times do I have to tell you, though, they're not interested in the abortion part. They're interested in the part where people are having free sex and not paying the Fiddler.

6:04 Drew There you go.

6:05 Adam They don't like that part at all. That's what the abortion thing, that's what the Right to Life-ers have always been about. It's never, not because they love, you know, every creature has a BS. You guys are the first guys to send a black guy to the electric chair. You don't give a rat's ass about that. You're all about telling people what to do and not letting people get in line.

6:23 Drew And by the way, if we're gonna roll back, and if we're gonna roll it all back to reproductive, natural reproductive perfection, we're all gonna have to have kids around 22. Because that's the only way, that's where, otherwise we're gonna be messing with it.

6:34 Adam Right.

6:34 Drew Because at 22 is when we can still have kids without messing around. But if we're gonna wait till 40, by the way, if we really follow this logic all the way down, we shouldn't be living past 40. So we just have to do away with people after 40 to make sure they sustain their proper reproductive. So we don't do anything that nature would want us to do.

6:50 Adam Logan's run, baby.

6:51 Drew Yeah.

6:51 Adam I agree. Well, look, here's what's going on in this kooky world. We have the crazy Bible thumping, right to life, nut jobs over there that are trying to really hijack the government and set policy. On the other hand, you got your extremists, leftist, homoists, phagelists over here who are trying to get the cross taken off the Los Angeles city crest, these ACLUers and these other idiot do-gooders.

7:23 Drew It's almost like they forge each other in the deeper territory.

7:26 Adam Of course, because here's what happens. These ACLU homos gotta come out and go, and we want the Ten Commandment tablet taken off the front of the courthouse. And then Ted Nugent and his buddies fire back with, we want birth control taken out of the save-ons. And we're just stuck in the middle. All the same people are just stuck in the middle. It's like, listen, can we have the ACLUers and the crazy right-wing retards just go at it in some sort of battle royale in Cuba and kick the ass out of each other so sane, moderate, right-thinking, logical-thinking people could just live? I don't want to spend 10 million bucks to get the cross taken off the bell tower on the Los Angeles city crest. I don't want a guy with a pneumatic sledge to take the 10 Commandment tablets off the front of the court. I don't care about that. Nobody cares about that, you idiots. But on the other hand, we want birth control and it's not up to you guys with your fairy tale about some pine-in-the-sky crap, some guy in sandals who's, look, let him exact his revenge. What are you worried about? We're sinning? Fine. He'll take care of it. Your imaginary fairy tale God will take care of all of us. Won't he? What about Allah? Isn't he gonna exact his revenge? Listen, you religious nutjobs, let your fairy tale guy take care of the sinners. Remember, that's what he's gonna do. You don't have to do it. He's gonna do it. Oh, but wait a minute. He doesn't seem to get around to it, does he? Wait a minute. Maybe he doesn't exist. Oh no, no, no. Can't think that way. Let's go blow up some tourists. Let's go shoot an abortion doctor. Of course. You're scared. You're insecure. You're pussies. And that's why you have to think that way.

9:19 Drew Just shut up.

9:21 Adam Shut up! Just go to your crappy island somewhere and you go at it with the left-wing homos. Please, all of you, you're driving me insane.

9:30 Drew What happened today? What happened? You had a ticket or something? Somebody turned right in front of you?

9:35 Adam I can't take any more talk. I can't take any more fairy tale religious talk.

9:40 Drew Did you run into something?

9:42 Adam No.

9:42 Drew Did you have to buy gas today and deal with the guy behind you?

9:45 Adam I've had an ass full of everybody. Just please, I hate all of you. Let the sane people in the middle just get along.

9:56 Drew Just reading articles flipped you out today?

9:58 Adam I tell you, I feel like I got a condo and it's in between the Hatfields and the McCoys. The Hatfields right-wing Bible thumping retards, McCoys, ACLU homos, boom! We gotta go at it right on my front lawn. Just please, all of you, just go home, would ya? Nobody's interested in your crappy agenda. Stop ruining it for everybody. Just look, you're religious? Go read your Bible. Go, go, while your kids go gay. Go read your Bible. Go read your Bible. Just go read your Bible and shut up. Nobody wants to hear your crap. And it'd be nice, by the way. And look, if you really believed it, you wouldn't be coming after everybody. And you ACLUers, please disband and go do something. Go hand out condoms down at the gay bar. Go do something. Don't just sit around and harass. Stop harassing everybody. Just go break up and go do something useful, would you please? Or look, you got a beef, go yell at your dad. That's who you're mad at. Leave us alone. Thank you. Thank you, Drew. Go ahead.

11:03 Drew I was just thinking about, we should advocate Christian egalitarian virtue. And that means accepting everybody.

11:13 Adam I know, but just shut up with your fairy tales.

11:16 Drew Nobody believes it. Well, but I think the point you're making is people shouldn't be imposing anything on one another.

11:20 Adam Well, look.

11:21 Drew Which is true.

11:22 Adam Look.

11:22 Drew But by the way, the pharmacists. Look, here's the deal. I think the pharmacists do have a right not to dispense the stuff, by the way. I think that's fine.

11:27 Adam Whatever, they have the right to get fired, too. You know, you have the right to use the F word on the air, and the boss has the right to fire you.

11:34 Drew And the customers have the right to boycott the businesses that hire pharmacists like that. And that's fine, that's fine.

11:40 Adam That's the way it should be. Look, I'm fine with that. All I'm saying is listen, right wingers, you got your beliefs, so does the Taliban. Hey, Taliban?

11:50 Drew Cannot judge. Taliban, worse.

11:53 Adam Hesedic, hey, it's their beliefs. Can't argue. And the Hesedic Jews, they got their belief. Everyone's right, or everyone's wrong. One of you can't be right. I know y'all think you are. But just as much as you think you're right, Taliban thinks they're right. So there you go. Enjoy, you idiots. I'll see you in hell. Fantastic. And by the way, shouldn't you guys be heading up to the mountain? Rapture's coming. Oh, anytime. Oh, believe me, it's coming in your lifetime. In your lifetime, in your lifetime, in your lifetime. It's coming. It's coming. It's coming. Just like your dad thought it was coming, just like his dad. Just like his dad and his dad and his dad and his dad. It's coming, coming, coming, coming. Oh, it's coming. Any second now. Wait, quit your job. Get that launch here. Head out to the mountain. Don't even bring a coat. It's coming. Yeah? Yeah, it's coming.

12:42 Drew I think we need a little.

12:43 Adam Fantastic.

12:44 Drew Sort of evenness tonight. Oh, please. Can anyone tell these people to shut up? I think we need some wisdom. It's not happening. We need wisdom from the Amer Indians. We need a little wisdom from the.

12:52 Adam I'm too fired up.

12:53 Drew I can't.

12:54 Adam Later on. Listen, I'm just tired of being held at bay by all the religious idiots. I'm tired of us of having respect for Islam. I'm tired of the Christian right. I'm tired of the seed of Jews. I'm tired of all you people. It's a fairy tale. Shut up. Keep it to yourself. Shut up. No one wants to hear about your retarded beliefs. Shut up. We don't care. You understand? It's not our belief. You know what my belief is? No belief. The only thing I know is that you idiots are wrong. That's it. If you had a shred of, if you had one shred of proof, you'd shut up. But you can't. So you're insecure. So you have to smear your crap on everyone and rub your stink on everyone. Just shut up. Just shut up. Just here's what you do. You guys focus on effing your kids up with your crap indoctrinating them and your crappy religion and brainwashing them so they hate you later. We'll focus on that. Then when you're done with that, you can work on the pharmacist. How about that? How about just getting your kids brainwashed? That's big enough. You know, with MTV satellite and the internet these days, it's tough to brainwash a kid. You guys focus on brainwashing your kid and your retarded religion, and then you'll focus on the rest of us. And by the way, here's the thing. We're too old, we're too smart. We can't be brainwashed with your retardism. Just F up your own kids. Really? Seriously, all religious, all religion. I don't care what you are. Focus on F-ing up your kids. That's your immediate goal. Do that. Brainwash them. Fantastic. Let us move on with our life. Let the sane people move on.

14:22 Drew But religion is good for people.

14:23 Adam It's great. It's great for idiots. It's great for stupid people. Yes, they don't have to think so much. It's tough when you have to think. It's scary, Drew. Uh-oh, I might die. Uh-oh, things bad may happen to me for no good reason. Uh-oh, there may not be a plan. Uh-oh, no plan. Now I'm scared. Now I'm scared. There's gotta be a plan. I got a plan. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. It's a good thing. It's a good thing. Why don't we invent a religion for animals? Aren't they scared? They get run over all the time. Let's get some canine-ism for cats. Help nap a little more. Yeah, let's invent a religion for animals, too. Idiots, just shut up, all you idiots. Micah, and listen. Oh, no. I wouldn't care if you just, you know, here's the thing. Kevorkian's in the joint, and chicks can't get birth control because of you guys. That's my feeling. That's why I don't like you. If you just shut up and brainwash your kids so that they hate you later, that'd be fine. That'd be fine with me. But you won't do it. You gotta spread it out.

15:25 Drew Wouldn't it be a better world?

15:26 Adam And we have to be respectful. We have to be, well, we have to show reverence for these people.

15:31 Drew Just stand back and think abstractly for a second. Wouldn't the world be a better place if people were contained by religious feelings? If their behaviors were contained?

15:40 Adam The whole Middle East, they pray four times a day. It's all they do is pray. They're very devout. How dare you? They're very religious people over there, Drew. They can't work. They have to pray so much. They do nothing but pray. Of course, it's all worked out. Religion has contained them just fine. There's no violence over there. And they treat, oh, they treat their ladies. Oh my God. They're like a Commodore song. That's how well they treat their ladies over there. Yeah, fine. Religion, no, it's perfect for them. No, but the atheists, these are, prisons filled with atheists. Oh yeah, atheists do nothing. They never stop acting out. Yeah, sure. They're wild. They're out of control. Micah? 21? What's up?

16:29 I've been having problems on and off for about a year and a half with my inner labia swelling during sex.

16:36 Adam Yeah. Inner.

16:38 It's been, we switched off of condoms with spermicide and it went away for a while and then every once in a while it just comes back and it's real sporadic.

16:46 Adam Do you need the condoms with spermicide anymore? I mean, does that really do anything? I mean, if the condom breaks, it breaks, right?

16:53 Yeah, I'm on the pill too. That's why we stopped using those. That was just like, we had grabbed them at the store one time.

16:59 Adam Oh, okay.

16:59 Drew No special reason, okay. There was a whole thing with the World Health Organization worrying that it may actually enhance HIV transmission, but it's really, that's not a big deal. All right, so how long are you guys having sex before the irritation occurs?

17:13 It depends. Sometimes it's like 10 minutes and sometimes it's like an hour.

17:18 Drew Ooh, hour you're gonna have pain. I mean, that's just, that's normal.

17:22 Adam I don't have that combined.

17:23 Drew In a week, in a month. In a month, in your life.

17:26 Adam I'm saying combined, bro. I'm not putting a time on it. I'm just saying combined.

17:30 Drew And have you ever seen any ulcers or sores or anything there?

17:34 No.

17:34 Drew So no herpes?

17:35 No, it's just been, like we've switched to different kinds of lubricants and sometimes like some of them will do it. Like I'll use KY and it'll bother me and then I'll switch to something else and it won't and then I'll use KY again later and nothing happens.

17:49 Drew I think, Adam, just the way the pharmacist are not dispensing, not allowing the distribution of birth control, we have to have a new sort of cause. It needs to be making sure that these guys don't have sex for so long with these poor women.

17:59 Adam Yeah.

18:00 Drew Yeah, it's just, it's a bad precedent.

18:03 Adam No, I.

18:03 Drew And it hurts them.

18:05 Adam But no, I know. I know it's, your vagina, you're gonna be a 30, your vagina's gonna be 72.

18:12 Drew I mean, it's not like we can't buy a new mitt, you know, a new glove.

18:16 Adam No, it's gonna be, you know what it's gonna be like? It's gonna be like a delivery van at a shop, you know what I mean? It's like three years old, but it's got 170,000 miles on it. Guy's just trying the hell out of it. That's what it's gonna be like. It's all worn in.

18:31 Drew Let's see, keep that going. But Micah, the fact is that you really can go too long and that your body tells you when it's too long by getting irritated. You go ahead and back off a little bit.

18:43 Adam You ready to rock? What's up, baby doll?

18:51 Oh, nothing much. My boyfriend, when we're having sex, sometimes he'll come really fast and then it'll hurt him really, really bad down there, to the point where he's almost screaming when he reaches orgasm. I've never been with a guy like that before.

19:08 Drew He's screaming because it hurts him or because he's having a good time? It hurts him.

19:13 Adam Wow.

19:14 Drew And he says this is pain?

19:16 Caller Yeah, or like a stinging kind of pain.

19:19 Adam Mm, and boy, that's a bad sign. And where is he doing his business? In you?

19:29 Yeah, well, we use a condom.

19:31 Adam Oh, okay, smart.

19:32 Drew Yeah, because some guys, you can get irritation of the urethra with orgasm as you get some stinging sort of down the pipe, but that wouldn't cause somebody to scream in pain. And there's another kind of pain where you get a pubococcygeal muscle spasm, sort of a visceral kind of a discomfort. Again, not a screaming pain.

19:51 Adam Well, isn't it, if you have pain, let's say excruciating pain with orgasm, if it's excruciating.

20:00 Drew I think it's apothecaryologist.

20:02 Adam Okay, and would it be more likely that it's a venereal disease?

20:08 Drew No.

20:08 Adam No, because a venereal disease would be stinging, right?

20:11 Drew Pursuing a pee.

20:12 Adam Pursuing a pee, but not when you ejaculate.

20:14 Drew Not exquisite pain, no, no, no. That'd be more like a stone or maybe a varicoseal or something like that, some sort of mechanical problem.

20:23 Adam Wait a minute, can you pass a stone with a semen coming through?

20:27 Drew The tapioca pudding looking stuff?

20:29 Adam No, I mean passing a stone. That'd be cool.

20:32 Drew No.

20:34 Adam You know what I mean? Musket.

20:36 Drew You've seen those air guns that fire those little, be like that.

20:39 Adam Be like a paint gun.

20:40 Drew Air gun, yeah, paint gun, yeah.

20:41 Adam Yeah.

20:42 Drew Be great.

20:43 Adam Drew played paint gun three days ago. He's got to explain it to me.

20:47 Drew Well, no, they have pellet guns now, too. They do, they don't just do paint balls. They put these little pellets in the freezer and fire them at each other.

20:53 Adam People shoot, oh, but they're frozen.

20:56 Drew They're pellets.

20:57 Adam Paint pellets?

20:58 Drew They're not paint.

20:59 Adam Why are they freezing them?

21:00 Drew To make them sting, hurt when they hit.

21:02 Adam Why do you have to, even engineer Chris knows what I'm talking about. Look, I don't have to freeze a bullet, do I? Still hurts.

21:09 Drew I know, but I don't know why maybe they're rubbery and they get harder and stinger.

21:13 Adam Oh, they're rubber?

21:14 Drew Yeah, they're like pellets, like hard rubber pellet.

21:16 Adam Oh, well that's different. A pellet is, they have pellet guns. They're pellets, they're lead, they're metal.

21:22 Drew These I don't think are metal.

21:23 Adam All right, well, and I keep saying why they freeze them. You say they're rubber.

21:26 Well, they're liquid in the middle.

21:28 Drew No, that's the paint guns.

21:29 Adam That's a paint gun.

21:30 Drew They have actually, it's same place. There's these guys that compete with pellets.

21:35 Adam All right, but they freeze them because they're not, they're rubber, they're soft.

21:39 Drew Yeah, well, they're softer.

21:41 Adam I like when people do, I like that part of, only guys do this, by the way, where somebody says, look, we gotta make these things out of rubber if we make them out of, we use the metal ones. They're gonna tear the skin. Someone's gonna get hurt. Someone's gonna lose an eye. So we'll just use them out of rubber so we can do the combat. All right, let's freeze them. Then we'll shave them down. Right. And we'll dip them in hippo dung so they get infected. Okay, thanks. True sportsman, by the way. Yeah, what a competitor. Religious man, though. All right, just please, everyone shut up with your coot.

22:15 Drew Amy, your boyfriend needs a serologist, okay? He really does. If he's having screen, I kind of have a funny feeling, though, that he may just be sort of crying out at the moment and then gets embarrassed and goes, oh, well, I was hurt, hurt. That's why I did that. I wonder if he's sort of backing down and embarrassed. Because there's not many things that will give you excruciating pain with orgasm.

22:34 Adam All right, let's just take a quick break. And let me just say this before we go to break. Just a quick explanation of my horrible tirade at the top of the show, which is, I'm not a fan of the Christian right because they're screwing everything up for the most part. On the other hand, the Jews, the Muslims, all you, Scientologists, all you nut jobs, you ain't any right or wrong, you're all wrong. Okay, so again, all of you, do your thing, shut up. Please shut up. And those of you who are atheists or agnostic, please stop having so much reverence for these nut jobs. Please stop respecting them. Please join me when I tell them to shut up. Everyone's had an ass full of their retardism. Thank you, and that's all of you. So you can't get mad at me because the Christians would agree with me that the Jews are wrong, the Jews would agree with me, that the Muslims are wrong. You'd all agree that each other are wrong except for you. My old magical you. Yeah, yeah, there's 500 religions out there, but you picked the right one? Yeah, keep thinking that way. Take a quick break. We'll be right back.

23:55 Drew To the right place. What's the new philosophy, you know? What is it that they can relate to, that you can get them to that place? What is it? They need fairy tales, so what's the fairy tale?

24:09 Two, one, go.

24:10 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191, Elizabeth in here from The Apprentice tomorrow night. Great show. Will Arnett in here tomorrow night from Arrested Development.

24:24 Drew Which one is Elizabeth? Another great show, yeah.

24:26 Adam She's the one with the, she's the chick who wears the smart business suits. Oh, okay, okay.

24:32 Drew I remember now.

24:33 Adam She's not the Asian one.

24:34 Drew Is she the attorney of the small, shortest one?

24:37 Adam Oh, the little schnoz on her. We're gonna find out tomorrow night. I think she is. I'm gonna check into that. Hey, uh, engineer Chris. What's happening, buddy? What's going on? I know, uh.

24:48 Drew Chris is all smiles these days.

24:49 Adam I know. I didn't offend him in my religious rant because I didn't cover Santoria. That's his thing. Sure, yeah. He's still got the chicken blood on him. Check his cuticles. He's got chicken blood on him. Uh, look up, uh. Oh, his pork. Check the apprentice there. Find Elizabeth and, uh, and see which one she is. Because I think, I think you're right, Drew. I think she's the, uh, the attorney one. Sharp. Oh, that board room. Oh, it gets tense. I love to see everyone turn on each other. And by the way, chicks just immediately, oh, they sell each other down the river immediately. It's great. All right. You ready to go?

25:22 Drew Let's see that one with the PR one. There's a PR girl.

25:25 Adam Some of those chicks are, uh, foxy. And by the way, you know this thing that women think that guys, uh, don't like or are intimidated, we're so intimidated by women.

25:34 Drew Are you kidding?

25:34 Adam Are you kidding? No, we got a boner a mile long.

25:36 Drew Yes.

25:37 Adam You show me.

25:38 Drew The guys have categories one through eight.

25:41 Adam Well, they got to be hot. That's how it works.

25:43 Drew And then if you add on prowess, competency, it's like that.

25:48 Adam Oh, yeah.

25:48 Drew Let's just square it.

25:49 Adam No, I know. It's very convenient for you women to go, oh, guys don't want to, oh, honey, the minute you start thinking the guy's going to be done with you and all that kind of stuff, nothing could be further from the truth. We would love it if a hot chick was smart. They just rarely are. And we'll just take hot in that case. But if you're hot and smart and you got a great sense of humor and you make more money than I do and whatever, maybe you'll be down in the basement staring at Bunsen burners and beakers all, I'll just be behind you, giving it to you. Getting you with a graduated cylinder. I don't mind. Just go ahead, think away. Feel free to think. There's a promise. When women are smart, they use their brains for evil.

26:33 Drew How's that? You're not going to miss a single category tonight. You're going to hit everybody.

26:38 Adam Here's what I'm saying. When a guy's really smart, he starts thinking about building bridges. Women get really smart. They start thinking about effing with their man, the turn on him. They're going to use that brain on him. You know what they're like? Convicts. If you're a smart convict, he thinks about getting out. It's about getting out of prison. That's all he thinks about. Smart guys, we just walk around. Genius guy and genius girl could be married. The genius guy, he'd just be staring at the expanse of a river, trying to figure out how to get a bridge or a tunnel in it, and the chicks just be standing next to him thinking, how am I going to tear my new way home? That's how it works, Drew. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

27:16 Drew What is that?

27:17 Adam They're evil. They use their binds for evil.

27:19 Drew Maybe that's why they feel the guys don't like how they're smart, because that's where guys get fearful.

27:25 Adam Maybe that's your fantasy about what they're going to do. Let me explain something, too. Again, there's going to be more offending going on. Oh, I can't imagine.

27:33 Drew I'm shocked.

27:34 Adam That's why you don't want a chick that's too smart.

27:36 Drew Because why?

27:37 Adam Well, let me explain.

27:38 Drew I know you will, anyway.

27:39 Adam I'll tell you why.

27:40 Drew Okay. Dude, tell me.

27:41 Adam You want a smart dog, right?

27:43 Drew Yeah.

27:43 Adam You think you do, until it keeps figuring out ways to get over the fence, open the door, get in stuff like that.

27:49 Drew No, but a really smart dog doesn't run away. They're interested and they know where the food is.

27:53 Adam Really smart dogs, yeah, but they know where the food is because they can actually work the latch on the pantry door and get into the thing.

27:59 Drew We have dogs like that.

28:00 Adam I know.

28:00 Drew They do not strike.

28:01 Adam They're smarter than you are, Drew. Oh, yeah. I'm just saying, you want a dopey, lovable dog. Yeah. Just hanging around. You know, just wants to cuddle, just wants to hang out. Know what I mean?

28:13 Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

28:17 Adam What do you find there, speaking of smart dogs?

28:20 Lots of pictures of the princess.

28:22 Drew Elizabeth.

28:23 Adam You got Elizabeth?

28:24 Drew Well, all of them. Okay.

28:26 It doesn't really give you the names.

28:28 Adam Doesn't really give you the names?

28:29 Drew It doesn't help us, Chris.

28:30 Adam Got to give you the names.

28:31 I know.

28:31 Adam All right, here we go.

28:32 Drew You got to get the name.

28:33 Adam Hold on. What do you want in engineer? Because I know what we got. He ain't getting over the fence, I'll tell you that.

28:41 Drew That's good, see?

28:42 Adam All right, buddy. He's not escaping this studio, I'll tell you that. All right, find Elizabeth, buddy. Come on. You want to be on the air, you're on the air. I'm on the air. Toya?

28:56 Yes?

28:57 Adam Twenty-four?

28:58 Yes, I am.

28:59 Adam What's happening?

29:01 Well, ever since I came home from the Navy, I've noticed that the guys that I hang around, I actually get physically ill around, like, you know, especially at the thought of, like, having sex with, like, you know, boys.

29:15 Drew Is that because you've been around guys too much?

29:19 Uh, no, actually, no, I don't. It's like, you know, some of the guys here are just people that I've hung out with before I left to go overseas.

29:26 Drew No, no, no. While you were overseas, were you exposed to something unpleasant?

29:31 No, actually, that's where, like, I wasn't sick while I was over there. It's just since I've been home.

29:36 Drew All right, Toya, we don't know you, so we have to ask some questions about what you've been through.

29:40 Adam Sorry, baby doll. Let me talk to Toya. What kind of vessel were you on, sailor? All right. Subtender. That means you restocked the Sub?

29:54 Drew Yes.

29:57 Adam Hold on a second. By the way, you know, I figured before I started doing this radio show that if you said you were in the Air Force, you flew a plane.

30:04 Drew Right.

30:04 Adam If you had been in the Navy, where were you? Rear Admiral? Or you're the guy who fired the.50 caliber off the back of the ship or launched a depth charger. You know, sent him home. Everyone we talked to is just they work on a laundry ship or they do something. They do something with the personnel. Yeah, you just realize now when you think about an Army and Navy, a fighting force, very small percentage is actually doing it for every one guy that's actually dodging bullets or firing a torpedo. There's 200,000 people that are like restocking, refueling, redoing paperwork, administration. I mean, it's like a school in a certain, I mean, even bigger.

30:46 Drew It's almost like an NFL football team or something. Yeah, there's teams out in the field.

30:50 Adam A couple of guys on play. Yeah, and there's a bunch of trainers. Yeah. All right. Let's get back to Toya over here. So Toya.

30:57 I was actually a machinist mate.

31:00 Adam You were a machinist mate?

31:02 Yes, I was.

31:05 Adam So what did you guys do? So you would restock the nuclear sub?

31:10 Yeah, actually, what our ship did was it was a repair. It would follow the subs wherever they went and whatever they needed, be it medical, they needed like some kind of repair.

31:21 Drew How does that work? Were subs supposed to be on secret missions and yet just couldn't follow the supply ships?

31:26 Adam They stayed about 75, 80 feet behind.

31:30 What would happen is that they would send a message out and we would meet them somewhere like say Taiwan, Korea, Hong Kong, stuff like that. Whatever they were doing missions at, then go to like a US area.

31:46 Adam And so your ship was just like a big floating home depot for subs?

31:52 That's right.

31:53 Adam Wow. That's right. Hold on a second. You just think, you just, first off, just picture.

31:59 Drew Walmart, Adam, Walmart.

32:00 Adam Picture the ship. She was, well, it's like a home depot. It's like hardware.

32:02 Drew But it's got to be like food. They can talk about administrative. They got to have very administrative stuff. No, no, wait a minute.

32:08 Adam I don't think she, I don't think she was a restocker. Maybe there was food. But see, she did, she did machinist stuff. Oh, I see. And they were fixing the sub. Yeah. Toya.

32:19 Yes?

32:20 Adam Were you guys, you know, giving them more potatoes and dinty more stew? Or were you more mechanical?

32:27 Both.

32:27 Drew Both.

32:28 It was mostly mechanical though, but if they needed food stocks or something like that, we'd give them whatever storage we had on board.

32:35 Adam Wow. Oh yeah, whatever you had on board. But that was, yeah, so there was primary, no, no, here's what they were. They were, they were, they were like, when the truck enters the Baja 500, they just keep going ahead to the next stage as it pulls in, they change the air filter, they change the tire, they keep it going, it's mechanical, they're not giving the guy six-foot sub.

32:54 Drew Okay, so Toya.

32:56 Adam Wait, I'm not done being done with this. Toya?

32:59 Yeah.

33:00 Adam Yeah. So what, so what's the, what's the coolest thing you saw in your, in your travels?

33:08 Well, the coolest thing was, well, the first time we went underway, one of the guys on the ship, we had what you call a still picnic, and it's like basically all hands, they get together, meet together, and one of the guys, he caught a marlin and…

33:24 Adam Off the side of the ship?

33:26 Yes.

33:27 Adam Wow. Never think about these guys fishing, but why not?

33:32 Well, it was basically, what we were doing was what do you call a sea cadet mission, where we brought on, you had like a lot of kids. You know, like you have ROTC for the army. Yeah, yeah.

33:43 Adam Yeah, they have the cadets.

33:45 So, we went like a tour around the island and we brought the sea cadets on board and they took a couple of them fishing and one of the guys, he caught a marlin and it took about three shots with the M16 to the head to actually kill it.

33:59 Adam Yeah. A very valuable lesson for those 12 and 13 year olds on the boat. Sure. Yeah. All right. Well, fantastic. That's, you know, you don't think of the Navy as killing fish. You know, you see them as killing the, you know, foreign, foreign powers. But hey, if you get some fish getting away or you got to practice on a fish, I say, so be it. M16 to the head. Three. And by the way, I'm not saying you're lying, but I bet you if you just gave it to, it would have died at some point.

34:32 Drew Firing from off the.

34:33 Adam Not sure. Probably gave the, carefully gave the gun to the kids. Yeah, of course. All right. So, Toya, you're now you're now out of there and you weren't you weren't traumatized there and didn't see any horrible action. What about as a child? Were you ever traumatized?

34:51 No, I do remember when I was younger, I was probably like about between four and six. Any time that I went to my grandmother's house, one of my my uncle was a drug addict and one of his friends, you know, he would always be hanging around with hanging around with me and you know, he'd try to suck on my toes or do some type of weird thing, you know, nothing actually happened but you know, it's an idea that I actually knew something could happen.

35:21 Adam So, I mean, usually people who get sort of physically ill with the guys were abused in some way, shape or form.

35:31 Drew And then you're around guys in a closed space and you get exposed to what men are actually about and it's like, oh, you sort of shut her.

35:37 Adam But also, yeah, how many, what percentage of women were on that ship?

35:42 Well, there are about 25, 30 percent but I was actually the only female that was working inside of my division.

35:49 Adam Man, I'm answering.

35:51 But I didn't think that would be the reason why because it was actually happening before I went to the military but it stopped so I figured, you know, maybe whatever was going on.

36:00 Drew Have you ever had sex?

36:03 Yes, yes. Actually, I was a lot older than the military when I turned 21 when I actually lost my…

36:10 Drew 21 lost her virginity.

36:12 Adam One of the cadets? One of the under…

36:15 No, no, it wasn't one of the cadets.

36:16 Adam One of the young guys? No. Well, why not?

36:19 Drew Well, the other thing is you weren't hit up, you weren't hit with a bunch of vaccines or anything that could be making you have any reaction now, right? You're not otherwise physically ill. No, no, I mean like the way people got a Gulf War syndrome back in the day, nothing like that's happening to you guys now as you return back.

36:41 Adam No, listen, by the way, she's just cruising around. Yeah. She ain't on, she ain't a ground pounder.

36:48 Drew Right, right, right.

36:49 Adam She's floating around out there talking to the sub. Those nuclear subs never have to surface anymore.

36:57 Drew Really?

36:57 Adam They never, well, they never have to refuel. They never have to resurface. They never have to refuel.

37:03 Drew They've always been that way though.

37:04 Adam What way?

37:06 Drew Never have to refuel.

37:07 Adam Well, refuel or resurface.

37:08 Drew Well, why before did they have to resurface? They've always been nuclear, they've been recently nuclear powered and that means they don't have to surface, right?

37:15 Adam Right. Well, the World War II subs had to run on the surface 80% of the time.

37:22 Drew Why?

37:23 Adam Because the only time they could run under water is off their batteries.

37:27 Drew Oh, interesting.

37:28 Adam People don't know that because they needed oxygen for their diesel engines. Oh, wow. And they had to run up top to charge their batteries.

37:36 Drew Interesting.

37:37 Adam Back in the day. Crazy, they were recharging batteries in 1938, you know. I mean, I know the war was a little later, but they had them in World War I, too. Yeah, back in the day, subs couldn't stay under water very long and when they could stay under water, they could only make, like, eight knots, and it went really slow. And they could go fast with their diesel engines up top, but they didn't go under water very long and that's where they would get them because they would have to surface all the time and when they surfaced, that's when the planes got them and that's when they picked them off.

38:07 Drew Interesting. You learned something from that Hitler channel.

38:10 Adam I know, they call it the history channel, but let's just call it a spade of spade and call it the Hitler channel. And then if something else comes up, if you get enough other programming that doesn't involve Hitler, really, it's like Hitler's mustache, Hitler's reading glasses, Hitler's wives. Like this Saturday, Hitler's sidecar, it's just nothing but Hitler stuff. Hitler's school teacher, Hitler's dog, it's just never ending Hitler's finger paintings Hitler did, Hitler's shoes, it's nothing but Hitler stuff. But once while they break away, they do like Hitler's sub and they learn something about subs. Yeah, they had to go up top. You know, back in the day, subs were boats that went under water, you know, they were essentially boats.

38:52 Drew Interesting.

38:53 Adam You know, if you see, picture the shape of an old sub, it's a boat. The new subs ain't a boat.

39:00 Drew It's a missile.

39:00 Adam It's a torpedo tube, yeah, it's a missile. It's a torpedo, yeah. All right, let's take a little break. What do you say there, buddy? That's the thing about the nuclear stuff, can go for 50 years.

39:13 Drew What people don't understand is it's not like some nuclear energy is emitting the energy for the engine. No. It's just creating heat and boiling water.

39:20 Adam Yeah, as long as we're not talking about anything tonight. Let me just tell you something.

39:23 Drew Well, it diverts you from pissing people off.

39:25 Adam Right. This is essentially a rock that never stops creating heat.

39:31 Drew Right.

39:31 Adam And they just keep dumping water on it and it just keeps creating steam and just keeps turning a turbine.

39:37 Drew That's it.

39:37 Adam And that thing just keeps going. That's it. And I know a lot of people think nuclear power is some sort of fusion that's going on, that's some sort of crazy science.

39:46 Drew Like the sun is creating it.

39:48 Adam Yeah. Here's what it is. Here's what nuclear power is. 150 years ago, they had a steam train. This is a never-ending piece of coal. Right. That's it. Oils, the water. That's it. All right. All right. Take a quick... Engineer Chris over there. What's going on?

40:06 Drew I got her bio and I got her pictorial. All right.

40:08 Adam You're cool? Did you get the... She's pretty cute. Did you get the nuclear power thing?

40:13 Drew Yeah, sure. He wasn't following. Yeah. All right.

40:17 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

40:23 Drew Hello.

40:24 Caller This is your radio.

40:28 Adam Drew. What are women most attracted to?

40:31 Drew Confident guys.

40:32 Adam That's right. You can't buy that confidence. At least you couldn't until now.

40:35 Drew What do we got?

40:36 Adam You got Axe Deodorant Body Spray.

40:38 Drew Oh, my God.

40:39 Adam Spray that on. It's like slathering on the confidence. Hello.

40:51 Caller Can I ask you a few questions about the apartment you have?

40:53 Two, one, go.

40:55 Adam Hey, everybody. It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-LAVE-191. Elizabeth, as it turns out, is the hot blonde one from The Apprentice. Poor girl. She got railroaded. I was just telling Drew over potties that she got tossed out. That was the week before Elias. Well, anyway, she's hot, so we'll have her in here tomorrow night. Then Will Arnett and Jason Bateman in here. Jason Bateman has joined Will in Arrested Development. He's going to be in here tomorrow night. And it's nice. You know why? That's Will. Because those two came in here, first off, super friendly guys. And I don't mean BS friendly, because we can tell the difference between friendly and crazy friendly.

41:37 Drew Enthusiastic and friendly, too.

41:39 Adam Down to earth, well adjusted, good guys. Both of them good guys. Came in here eight months ago.

41:46 Drew Before the show aired.

41:47 Adam Yeah, when was it?

41:49 Drew A year or so ago.

41:49 Adam A year ago? More than a year? Not more than a year.

41:52 Drew Anyway, first time was about a year ago.

41:54 Adam All right.

41:55 Drew Go with me.

41:55 Adam A little less. Point is, as humble as all could be, oh, now they're just going to be coked up. A couple of bitches under our arms.

42:02 Drew We've seen them twice since then and they hadn't changed at all.

42:05 Adam Oh, we have?

42:06 Drew Yeah.

42:07 Adam Oh, we did? They came in twice?

42:10 Drew I think they've been in three times.

42:11 Adam No.

42:12 Drew Definitely twice. Really? Definitely twice.

42:14 Adam The point is, is the last time they came in here, it was minus all the Emmys.

42:19 Drew Yes.

42:20 Adam And they were a good show, but they weren't all pumped up because they weren't getting the kind of ratings they wanted. Then they really cleaned up at the Emmys. I mean, they were the story of the Emmys. Yes?

42:31 Drew Yes. I'm sure they'll be pumped up and coked up, like you said.

42:35 Adam Yeah, sure. Engineer Chris, like, raised his hand and he ducks in an absolute bottle, just goes flying over his head. They speak with British accents now. They're doing the Coke off, they have the Coke Ring. Little snuff ring. Little ring.

42:52 Drew Nice.

42:53 Adam Yeah. Coke Ring. Are you ready to go?

42:56 Drew There you go.

42:57 Adam Stacey?

42:58 Yeah.

42:59 Adam 26?

43:01 Yeah.

43:02 Adam What's up?

43:02 I'm calling because I've been wrestling with this problem for almost a year now. I'm in love with my ex's brother.

43:10 Drew What do you mean you're in love with him?

43:14 I have severely strong feelings for him and I've been trying to fight them for a long time now and I keep running into him in weird places and I don't know.

43:30 Drew Have you ever dated him?

43:31 No.

43:31 Drew Do you have any kind of relationship with him outside of what's going on in your head?

43:36 He's asked me out.

43:40 Drew But you've never had a relationship of any type with him?

43:42 No.

43:43 Drew But how could you be in love with somebody?

43:47 I know him really well.

43:49 Drew Do you have a long history of chaotic relationships?

43:55 But I can tell you what the main issue is, is that when I separated with my ex, he tried to kill himself, which makes it even worse.

44:06 Drew Why would I say there's chaos in her relationships? How dare I?

44:10 This is what I got out of because we were friends for a long time and I didn't know these issues because I was in a different relationship.

44:20 Drew Hang on here, Stacey.

44:23 Adam I'd say, well, look, trying to kill yourself after a relationship is...

44:27 Drew Wait, she jumped from one into this one with the guy who tried to kill himself.

44:31 Adam Look, I can hear in Stacey's voice that something is wrong with her or up with her.

44:54 Yes, something's going on.

44:55 Drew I'm not sure what, Stacey. There should be no conflict.

44:58 Adam Conflict? Why?

45:00 Drew You just don't do this.

45:01 Adam Why not?

45:02 No, and I agree.

45:03 Drew This is the ex-boyfriend who tried to kill himself because she broke up with him. Now she's going to go out with the brother. Why do you even give that a second thought?

45:09 Adam Why not?

45:10 Drew How do you think you're in love with somebody that you've been infatuated with?

45:13 Adam Well.

45:14 Drew By the way, as somebody that under no circumstances are you going to have a relationship with?

45:17 Adam Hold on a second. How dare you? First off, how did this ex-boyfriend try to kill himself?

45:24 Well, he split his wrist and took pills. What he did was he drove his car where nobody would find him, but somebody did.

45:34 Adam How did somebody find him?

45:36 Well, I guess driving down the road, wondering who's on the side of the road this late at night.

45:42 Drew Before this guy, you were with somebody else and you cheated on that relationship?

45:45 No. Oh, God, no. No? No, no, no. That's why this is hard for me, is I'm a person of morals and I was a friend with my recent ex for a year.

45:58 Adam I'm with you, by the way. Why did you break up with the first guy?

46:02 Because, you mean with my ex, the brother?

46:06 Drew Your ex-boyfriend, yes.

46:07 Yeah. Well, because of his emotions. I couldn't take it and I knew it wasn't a healthy relationship, so I left.

46:14 Adam What was he doing?

46:17 Just up and down, up and down. He's supposedly on medication now, counseling, getting help. But I got out of that because it's not healthy and I'm conflicted about it because I don't date. I'm started law school.

46:31 Adam Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, quiet. God, I wish I had this button for everybody.

46:37 Drew That would be great.

46:37 Adam I'm going to shut up three times and then just pow. All right, they might be able to go out. I'm going to talk. Well, we'll be fast, but we'll come back, we'll get with Stacey.

46:46 Drew No way. But we'll have a nice discussion. All right, we'll have a nice discussion about it.

46:50 Adam After this. Here it is. Bottom line, it sucks being single today. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E 1-9-1-R. All right. We were speaking to Stacey last. Drew hates attorneys. Stacey said she was heading into law school. I can't stand attorneys either, by the way. I can't stand. You know what? You know what's starting to drive me nuts? Crazy disclaimers on everything all the time, stickers on everything everywhere, all this nonsense of the attorneys. And let's be fair. Not only the horrible attorneys, but you horrible people with your frivolous lawsuits are just grinding the system to a halt. Who should really... Please, those of you who filed more than one lawsuit in your life, you know what? I'm lenient. I'm going to say two. Please just eat a bullet. Would you please just blow your head off? Please do everyone a favor. You're horribly flawed. Just eat a bullet. Would you stop screwing up the system? I've never sued anyone. How did I make it so long without suing anyone? Never called the cops. Never sued anyone. Please eat a bullet, you people. And you people with the 18 lawsuits, you need to fall on a sword. You really do. Please look in the mirror. Dignity, everybody. And by the way, once you get to your 15th or 16th lawsuit, you really get a 17th and 18th? That's the way. And everyone is like, yeah, but what if it really happened on the 18th? I'm sorry, you burned it. What about the boy who cried wolf? Did he get help on the 20th cry? No, should have thought about it on the first 15 frivolous ones. So I'm watching TV and there's this Ford, I don't know, F-150 truck commercial. And they're like, we take our trucks so seriously that one case hardened bolt from the bed, take one bolt from the bed, we hook it up to a U-joint and we hook it up to a cable and then we tie that to a winch and we actually tow this F-4 250's two and a half ton vehicle up by its bumper using only the one bolt that holds the bed liner in. And then the guy at the clipboard, of course, stands. And by the way, what do you think the ratio between folks in commercials with clipboards and folks in life with clipboards are? I'd say it's a huge difference.

49:26 Drew Close to infinity.

49:28 Adam Every third person on a commercial sport in a clipboard, we're here at the Pons Institute for Skincare. Hot chick, loosie thing, doors open, like, huh, Pons? Really? It's just a bunch of Guatemalans that are cranking out some paava. Yeah, hot chick. By the way, hot chicks with clipboards, TV and commercials, TV and commercials versus real life. Drew, close your eyes. You've been in clinical settings. You ever seen a hot chick with a clipboard? Maybe she's handing it to a fat chick. Hi, I cleaned your clipboard. Here you go. Never actually seen. Never seen, actually. People data, people writing stuff. And by the way, they're writing stuff on the clipboard. There's nothing coming in. It's not like they're staring at a computer screen and writing something down. They're walking around and writing stuff down. They're staring at a bumper. But anyway, picks the Ford up by the one bolt and a guy stands underneath it in this modern garage. It's a silo. It's six stories high. It's got a 10-ton winch on the ceiling. And then the disclaimer, do not attempt, don't attempt. So let me get this straight.

50:33 Drew Hope that's comical. I hope that's for comedy.

50:36 Adam Oh, hell no. Hell no. You want to know why it's not for comic effect because it's written in that sort of translucent, sort of opaque-y but translucent lettering that you do. That's the sort of minimum that the government requires, just enough to distract Adam when he's drunk on the sofa. That one, because when you do the comical, do not attempt at home, it's in white letters and it flashes. No, this is somebody could take one of their bed bolts out from their Ford F-250, hook it up to block and tackle, hoist it up to the top of their seven-story garage and it could snap and crush them. They could stand under it with nothing but their clipboard to protect them, by the way, and their white lab coat. There you go. And I thought, really? Is anyone going to do this? By the way, who has the facilities to do this? Your truck, it's 23 feet long. How high does your ceiling have to be on your garage in order to lift the thing? Answer four stories at least. And then secondly, think about how strong that ridge would have to be in order to lift the 5,000 pounds worth of truck with a block and tackle line. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to do this. Here's what I'm saying. I don't want the attorneys to put this here anymore. Please, please, if somebody does this and gets crushed, that's their goddamn business. They don't get a penny from Ford. Okay? Do we have to have a disclaimer on everything? Then a commercial comes in for like Primorol. And it's like, if you're experiencing spotting or vaginal bleeding or uteral bleeding, lactating, not made for women who've had a breast removed or have a festering boils instead of vaginas, and I'm like, I'm vomiting up my food. Meanwhile, the old broads kicking around a soccer ball, and they're just talking about, just if you have explosive bowel syndrome or rectal bleeding, it's like, come on, I'm eating here. You got the goddamn thing on the package. Do I have to hear about it? Really? This is it? You got to do a commercial, and you got to F it up? You buy a beautiful car, you got to have the big yellow airbag sticker on the thing that you can't remove. Really? There's stickers everywhere. Everything's carved into everything. Everything's F'd up. You can't get anything nice anymore. It's got to have some warning sticker on it or some stamp on it. I got to fight, I got to fight with the aspirin bottle. It's a child, it's children's proof. I'm drunk when I'm opening things most of the time. That's when I go for stuff. I can't get it. My hands are dry, Drew. They're feeble. Really? I got to spend a whole life fighting for something? There's no kids around? I can't take it anymore. I can't take the attorneys anymore. Please, can we stand up? Can people stand up? Can we take our country back? Can we do battle against the extreme right who want to have the cross taken off the Los Angeles seal, those extreme left, those ACLU nutjobs? Can we do battle with them and the extreme right who doesn't want the morning after pill out and then the attorneys? Can the sane people, there's more of us, there used to be more of us, can we rise up? Can we tell these people to shut the F up and we get on with our lives? Please, everybody. All right. Stacey.

53:54 Drew Stacey, you're in law school now?

53:56 Well, yeah. Well, I'm interested in human rights and environmental law. So I'm not a jerk lawyer. But I agree with a lot of what you guys had to say.

54:04 Drew You're in law school now?

54:06 Yeah, I just started.

54:07 Adam What law school?

54:09 Washington University. I live in Illinois. It's in St. Louis, so I tried over here. But I just started. I'm first year. But I'm not a jerk.

54:21 Drew You drive to St. Louis from?

54:23 It's just across the river. St. Louis is right on the Mississippi.

54:29 Adam So Washington University.

54:31 Drew It's a great school, by the way.

54:32 Yeah.

54:33 Adam Washington University is in St. Louis?

54:35 Drew Yeah.

54:35 Uh-huh.

54:36 Adam Hey, good times.

54:37 Drew That's a really good school. It's got one of the greatest medical schools in the country.

54:41 So I just don't give all lawyers a bad name because some of us work for having clean water and clean air and nature.

54:50 Adam I'm not nuts about you guys.

54:53 Drew So Stacey, you understand my point of view on this.

54:58 Adam Recap.

54:58 Drew Well, she had a boyfriend she broke up with. He apparently was very labile, maybe bipolar or something. She broke up. He tried to kill himself. Now she's infatuated, not in love with Stacey, infatuated with his brother. And she wants to start dating the brother after knowing full well how damaging that's going to be to her ex-boyfriend.

55:18 I agree. That's why I'm having a hard time.

55:21 Drew But the hard time should be you're one day away from forgetting about this guy.

55:26 Adam Right. Let me tell you, and just for a quick definition of what love is versus infatuation, Drew is in love with his wife, not infatuated. Tom Lakers is in love with his voice, not infatuated. Blah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, of course. That's what love is. It's not a passing thing. It's a full time.

55:46 Well, I've said I never have these feelings.

55:48 Adam And it's never cruel, and it doesn't judge. What else doesn't love do? I always hear that one in front of the wedding. It's a crappy poem. I don't know, maybe it's in the Bible.

55:59 Drew Love is never. It's from the.

56:00 Adam It's not boastful.

56:01 Drew No, it's from the prophet, Gabriel.

56:04 Adam Love's never boastful or never. I don't know why they, they have to say in front of every wedding. I don't, I never, I never quite get it. And I always have to say, oh yeah, it's a good four or five of those, isn't it? All right, so Stacey. I say, when did this guy try to kill himself?

56:26 Been a year.

56:27 Adam Oh, it's been a year?

56:28 Mm-hmm.

56:29 Adam Mm, it's been a year.

56:32 Drew Come on.

56:34 Adam Okay, but look.

56:35 Drew Why haven't you been dating other guys?

56:37 Because it's, I've got goals.

56:40 Drew You go to law school, you meet a whole bunch of people.

56:41 I don't feel, I try. I don't meet anybody that I connect with, and that's why people who are close to me are, some of them are telling me definitely to go for it because they know me.

56:51 Adam Okay, well look, here's my thing. It's been a year. The guy doesn't live with his brother, right?

56:59 Yeah, they're not close.

57:00 Adam Okay, and they're not close.

57:01 They live together, but they don't really spend time with.

57:05 Adam Oh, no.

57:06 Drew See, Stacey, you're waiting.

57:07 No, they live with their parents. What? Moving out of the country, so.

57:11 Adam Well, wait a minute. Is the one who tried to kill, hold on, is the one who tried to kill himself moving out of the country?

57:17 No, the brother is, he doesn't.

57:20 Adam All right, by the way, Stacey's gonna make the world's worst attorney. You're not even gonna know who her client is. Okay.

57:28 Drew Somebody's moving out of the country.

57:29 Adam Well, here's how it starts. Well, they're not, look, they're adults. They're not living together. Yeah, no, they're very distant. I mean, they live together, but, you know.

57:38 Drew They live with their parents.

57:39 Adam They live with their parents, but no, no, one of them's moving out of the country.

57:42 Drew No, she just dropped, they're moving out of the country. And then you try to get her to clarify that.

57:46 Adam I thought one of the brothers was moving out of the country. Stacey.

57:50 The brother I like is moving out of the country.

57:53 Drew So why would you begin a real?

57:54 I do have a lot of time to talk, so it's like I'm trying to, you know, give you guys.

57:58 Adam Yeah, that makes sense.

57:59 But they're not close. He's fed up with his brother. They don't really talk.

58:03 Drew But you're not, how can you have a relationship with somebody that's not going to be living in the same country with you?

58:07 Well, that's his future plans. He's moving out. He's moving out of the house, intentionally. Eventually, he's going to move out of the country in a year from now or so.

58:15 Drew Why?

58:18 Well, because he's, I don't know, he's going to school overseas. He's interested in international relations and business.

58:26 Adam Stacey, you sound sketchy. Something's wrong with you.

58:30 I'm really nervous. I'm upset, I'm telling you.

58:32 Adam Oh, okay, look, here's the thing. Why is this guy living at home at age? What age is he?

58:38 He's 22, he just graduated.

58:40 Adam All right, he needs to move out of the house. Okay, Stacey, here's the deal. Sorry about your nerves. Here's the situation. You can date him when he moves out of the house. Not before then, but also before he moves out of the country. There's a small window. There's gonna be a small window of about, I'd say about 72 hours from the time he moves out of the house to the time he moves to Dunkirk.

59:06 Drew I say Stacey's got a bent antenna, and if she's really attracted to the guy, it's not gonna be something good. And this whole business of no, I can't connect with anybody, that's sort of BS. That's a way of not having relationships, not dating.

59:17 Adam Yeah, and she's created a fantasy.

59:18 Drew You're going to law school, you meet a whole new group of people. You go date people. It's all fantasy. It's all nonsense.

59:22 Adam She created a fantasy to keep her out of the game.

59:24 Drew That's right. And it's with a guy that's gonna create more chaos, and that's my point when I first started talking to you about the chaos in your relationships. You just keep things simple.

59:32 Adam Yeah. And by the way, oh, they don't talk, but they live in the same 900 square foot dump.

59:37 Drew Come on.

59:38 Adam With the folks, by the way. Believe me, his brother won't be talking to him. He'll let his fist do the talking.

59:44 Drew Dad's gotta be an alcoholic. Love him to not.

59:46 Adam Don't care anymore. Don't care. Don't know. Don't care. Lisa? You're 23? What's up?

59:57 Well, I had a question regarding the fact that I've actually, for the past probably six months or so, been cheating on my boyfriend of about, maybe four years now.

1:00:12 Drew Well, that relationship is over. That's the problem.

1:00:15 Adam How many guys you cheated with?

1:00:18 Caller There's been three.

1:00:19 They were previous friends of mine that I had slept with before when I had been single.

1:00:23 Drew Well, that doesn't count.

1:00:25 Adam Did you, eh?

1:00:27 Drew That's the case she's making, though, right? You have to read through everyone's scripts here.

1:00:31 Adam Did, did, did, did you have sex with them? Uh-huh.

1:00:41 Drew Both. Both.

1:00:43 Adam Hold on a second.

1:00:43 Drew Yes, both.

1:00:45 Adam No, currently, idiot.

1:00:47 Drew It's both, though, it's even more comical.

1:00:48 Adam I know, but no, just before. No, you already said you'd slept with them before. That's what I want to know. Of course you slept with people before your boyfriend. Did you have sex with them currently? Oh, Drew. Yeah, okay. Of course you did. That's why you answered before, currently. All right, if you had. I know, but. You feel he's an a-hole.

1:01:12 Drew Your actions, your actions are feeling.

1:01:14 Adam Well, I'm trying to fart back to Drew.

1:01:17 Drew Your actions are telling you something different. Of course you love him. You've been with him for four years. You feel very attached to him and all, but it's over. And you are, for whatever reason, either fearful or not willing or afraid of hurting him or afraid of being alone, whatever it is, you need to be a man and step up and end this thing before you really, truly harm him because you are gonna get caught. You are gonna slip up. Something's gonna happen where this is gonna devolve into some sort of horrible chaos. Stop.

1:01:42 No, because I mean, I've never, ever, ever cheated on anyone before. I hate it. It's disgusting, but I just haven't felt, and it's nothing emotional. It's completely just physical.

1:01:52 Drew It means something, let's say.

1:01:53 Adam Well, look, you make two compelling points. One is you're deeply in love with the guy you're cheating on constantly. Secondly, other than these three or four incidents of cheating, you've never cheated before. Fantastic.

1:02:05 Drew It's quite a logical progression there.

1:02:07 Adam Yeah, you're wrong on both accounts. So, break up with the guy, would you please?

1:02:13 He is like, I live with him.

1:02:17 Drew Well, you're gonna have to, then you're gonna keep doing this till you get caught and he stabs you in your sleep. Yeah, stabs one of the guys.

1:02:23 Adam Yeah, or you.

1:02:25 It's not something that could just stop because I just get tired of it or, because I've never, I've never cheated, so I don't know what it feels like from that point of view.

1:02:35 Adam Feels like a penis other than your boyfriend's going into you constantly.

1:02:38 Drew What do you mean, what do you mean that point of view? What are you talking about?

1:02:41 The point is, like, I've known, like, I've had guy friends that have cheated on their girlfriends or whatever. I've been from an outside point of view.

1:02:49 Drew Yeah, guys cheat because they can. Women cheat more often than not when there's really an emotional problem.

1:02:55 Adam Or there's something really chaotic going on with them. Women cheat for two reasons, yes. I agree.

1:03:00 Drew They're acting out.

1:03:01 Adam Two and a half, two and a half.

1:03:03 Drew The bipolar, the half.

1:03:05 Adam They're nuts or they're acting out because the guy's ignoring them. And then the half part is they're horny and they're backpacking through Europe for summer.

1:03:14 Drew And also the relationship's over, too, is just sort of another part of that half.

1:03:19 Adam Hey, Lisa, by the way, you saying I've never cheated before, you've been in this relationship for four years.

1:03:27 Drew Yeah, when would you have cheated, when you were 16?

1:03:29 Adam You've cheated with four guys, yeah.

1:03:32 I've actually, I've had only like two real serious other boyfriends.

1:03:36 Drew I understand, but Lisa, you've now chalked up an extensive cheating career. You've done it. You wouldn't have done it when you were 16 or 17. That's not, you've done it now. You're still young, you've accumulated a career.

1:03:48 Adam Imagine yourself being 23 and go, going, you know, if only killed four people, and I'm surprised we would have never killed before. You're young, you've got four bodies in your backyard. That's doing pretty good.

1:04:01 Drew Yeah, you did it, you're there. You are a cheater, officially.

1:04:04 Adam Right, yeah, you did almost no cheating in kindergarten and just a smattering of cheating in grades one through five. Okay, you're cheating now. Break up with the guy.

1:04:16 I've had this long, I had a boyfriend the first time when I was 18 and then another one.

1:04:21 Adam Okay, well maybe you loved him or respected him or respected yourself. I don't know why you didn't cheat before. I don't know why killers don't kill earlier. But the point is, is you're cheating on this guy, it's time to break up. That's it. By the way, when you're 23 and you've been with someone since you're 19, time to break up, time to break up. Just really have some way of us and break up with the guy. Respect the guy and don't tell him why. And here's the other thing too. It's not because you're cheating, it's because whatever he's doing or whatever you two aren't doing together or wherever the relationship is going is causing you to want to cheat.

1:04:59 Drew The reason you're cheating and the reason you're breaking up are one and the same.

1:05:03 Adam Right.

1:05:03 Drew Stay with that.

1:05:05 Adam Right, right. Not breaking up because you're cheating, but breaking up because you feel compelled to cheat. And I wonder if I hear something. Jennifer?

1:05:14 Drew Yes?

1:05:15 Adam You're 28?

1:05:17 Drew Yeah.

1:05:18 Adam What's up, baby?

1:05:18 Drew Oh, sorry, Jennifer.

1:05:19 Caller I'm an old lady. Yeah.

1:05:21 Drew Oh yeah, 20 ancient.

1:05:22 Caller Yeah. On the news tonight, they were talking about how women can sell their eggs for 5,000 a piece. And you can do it five times in your lifetime.

1:05:32 Drew I think it's 5,000 per harvest.

1:05:35 Adam It's usually between three and five. That means a piece, I think.

1:05:38 Drew Per egg?

1:05:39 Adam No, no, for women, I think it means five grand per session.

1:05:43 Drew Per session, per harvesting, yeah.

1:05:44 Caller Well, yeah, I mean, harvest a way. Go ahead, if you're gonna give me five grand. But I don't know where it is. But the other question I have is, what are the side effects? What could happen? Could you become sterile and not be able to have kids?

1:05:57 Drew Yeah, that happens. It's rare, but it's such a thing.

1:06:00 Adam Before we get to it, by the way.

1:06:02 Drew We're gonna price our eggs?

1:06:04 Adam I wanna try to see if I can come up the firm price for your eggs. Because they start, yeah, Drew's already written a check for 7500. So he thinks they're up. We're gonna start at five grand, all right? Because here's the reality of it. Claudia Schiffer's eggs go for more than Squatty McDumper's eggs.

1:06:28 Caller I'm sure they have to do testing as well.

1:06:32 Adam I don't know, let's get to it. Let me see, we'll start at five grand, all right? All right, how tall are you?

1:06:38 Caller Five nine.

1:06:39 Adam Five nine, ooh, tall. We're up to 5,800. You know, I'm not gonna go six grand, so I don't have to do the math. All right, and level of education?

1:06:50 Caller I graduated with a biopsychology degree.

1:06:53 Adam Ooh, from what university? Mm-hmm, okay. Drew, what's that? Okay, Chico State, what are you guys, was just the bongs? What is the name of the team?

1:07:06 Drew I was up there, I spoke up there.

1:07:07 Adam What's the name of the team over there?

1:07:09 Caller Oh, the Wildcats.

1:07:10 Adam Wildcats. All right, so we're at six grand. You got the, what's your degree in, bio what?

1:07:16 Drew Biopsychology.

1:07:18 Adam Biopsychology, graduated four years. I played softball. All right, hold on, no, no, my gauge is spinning all over the place. We're at six grand for eggs. We're gonna go ahead and add another grand for the, no, you know what? I'm gonna add 1,500 for the biopsychology thing, but then it's Chico State. I don't know if that's a great place. I'm gonna go ahead and deduct 300 for the Chico State. It's not like UCLA or Cal, Cal, Berkeley, or something like that. So I'm gonna deduct 300. Get us down to 7,200. Fine, she played softball. She's athletic, but could be a dyke. You know what I mean, could be a well haunchy. Took seven years to graduate.

1:08:05 Drew Because she played softball, she said.

1:08:06 Adam I don't know what that means.

1:08:07 Drew Maybe she redshirted to kind of.

1:08:10 Adam I'm gonna have to get some clarity. I need clarity on that. Need clarification, Jennifer.

1:08:16 Caller I also didn't do anything my freshman year besides party, so I really didn't go to school my freshman year.

1:08:22 Adam Okay, and what position do you play in softball? Oh, hold on. I gotta add 30 pounds. As well as the duct, $250.

1:08:32 Drew Once you get the data.

1:08:34 Adam Be bigger, bigger, yeah.

1:08:35 Drew You haven't got the data.

1:08:36 Adam I'm working toward it, Drew. Come on, don't screw with my system. My dad's dad was working on this system, you understand? Passing along.

1:08:43 Drew Cricket Egyptians had this.

1:08:45 Adam 69, okay, I'm at 69.50 right now, which is still doing pretty good. Five nine, how much you weigh?

1:08:54 Caller 138.

1:08:57 Adam 138, okay, that's good. That's sturdy, that's solid. We're keeping it even. 138, eye color?

1:09:06 Caller Brown.

1:09:08 Adam I'm sorry, it's $50 deduction. I don't wanna sound like some kind of airing creek.

1:09:13 Drew It's just a market thing.

1:09:14 Adam It's what the market dictates. All right, so we're at $6,900 right now. That's a pretty good price for those eggs. Well, whoa, what cup size are you? Thanks, Drew.

1:09:28 Caller 34B. I'm a handful.

1:09:31 Adam Handful. Not me, sister. No?

1:09:37 Caller You're married, so it's okay.

1:09:39 Adam Yeah, but it's really, look, it's really, to me, that handful, first off, I'll decide what I need. Don't tell me what I need in the boom department. And you know, that more than a mouthful is a waste, all righty? Look, here's the thing. You could just drive yourself a nice beige Camry. You don't need, you know, it's got 180 horsepower. You never need the other 200 horsepower, or the 10th airbag, or the suspension, you know? You don't need leather interior. You got a nice beige velour. You don't need, you want. See what I'm saying, Drew?

1:10:13 Drew I know you want.

1:10:14 Adam I want.

1:10:15 Drew Okay, so we got pretty good value.

1:10:18 Adam You're looking pretty good, looking pretty good. I'll keep you about $6,900. All right, and look, as far as the long-term health term, the long-term health term, yeah, you're going to, they'll explain all that.

1:10:35 Drew Yeah, there are, it's a procedure. It's not without risk, although the risks are slim. You can out, you can grow, you can over-stimulate the ovaries so they outstrip their own blood supply. There are theoretical concerns about ovarian cancer. So it's not something you should go into with blindly.

1:10:50 Adam How many eggs do you get in one harvesting?

1:10:52 Drew Some people get up to 20. Yeah, usually.

1:10:55 Adam Yeah, and Drew, you always get stuck on the five grand an egg, but I think a harvest session is what gets you that.

1:11:01 Drew Well, she said five grand each, and I was like, no, no, no, it's five grand a harvest session.

1:11:05 Adam They, people look at a harvest section as an egg. We'll take ourselves a quick break. What do you think engineer Chris could get for a sperm?

1:11:16 Drew 12 bucks.

1:11:17 Adam Hold on, let me try this.

1:11:18 Drew Well, sperm doesn't, that nearly is a...

1:11:20 Adam Yeah. 28.

1:11:25 Drew I gotta go to break. Let's go. Endless supply, though.

1:11:27 Adam It's like, he'd beat off, and Dixie Company would be like, that's four dollars, please. Medical waste, we have to incinerate it. All right, we'll take a quick break. That's right, buddy. We'll be right back after this.

1:11:55 Caller I got home, and my answering machine was blinking. When I returned the call, my friend said, I've got something to tell you, and you'd better sit down. He said...

1:12:12 Adam Hey, everybody, the Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. All right, since we're talking about everything, but Loveline tonight, couple other things to bring up. So, a few things, thought about earlier today. Did you see in the little Mexican embassy standoff with the sniper today?

1:12:36 Drew No, I didn't see that. Los Angeles?

1:12:38 Adam Yeah, Drew. Ooh, it was all the news all the time from the time the sun came up to the time it went down. Never heard of it.

1:12:47 Drew Did watch television, no.

1:12:48 Adam Nothing.

1:12:49 Drew Didn't go by TV today.

1:12:50 Adam Zero, nothing. What about anyone else? Do you speak to anybody?

1:12:53 Drew Occasionally.

1:12:54 Adam They don't say anything. All over.

1:12:57 Drew Nothing about it. I was on the web a bunch of times today. They didn't mention it.

1:13:01 What do you listen to when you're in your car, Drew?

1:13:03 Adam Opera, Pacini.

1:13:04 Drew I listen to lectures.

1:13:05 Adam Verdi.

1:13:06 Drew Believe it or not.

1:13:07 Adam Anderson, do you know what I'm talking about?

1:13:09 Caller Yeah, of course. I listen to talk radio all day.

1:13:10 Adam Yeah, you don't even, look. Go home when your dog's nose.

1:13:14 Drew So what happened?

1:13:15 Adam Engineer Chris.

1:13:17 Caller Uh-oh.

1:13:18 Drew Uh-oh.

1:13:18 Caller That's a negative.

1:13:19 Drew Oh, yeah.

1:13:22 Adam Yeah.

1:13:22 Caller I didn't get to watch TV either.

1:13:24 Adam Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:13:25 Drew What happened?

1:13:26 Adam You've joined an elite fraternity, Engineer Chris.

1:13:28 Caller Of course.

1:13:30 Drew What happened?

1:13:32 Adam Anderson, can you, you're more like me. Can you imagine if someone didn't hear this story today?

1:13:39 Caller It'd be strange.

1:13:40 Adam It feels strange.

1:13:41 Caller I listen to talk radio all day, so I always have an idea of the top stories.

1:13:45 Adam It's, I don't know, what was it? The Mexican consulate, consulate, embassy? The embassy, anyway, the point is a guy came out, took a hostage.

1:13:55 Caller Had a, he walked in with a, he had like a sandwich board on.

1:13:58 Adam Yeah, he was crazy and he took a hostage. And the SWAT team put the sniper bullet right in the dude's eye and took him down. And they normally don't do that. We're talking about our beloved attorneys and how everyone's scared to do their jobs and no one can squeeze a trigger anymore because everyone's gonna get their ass sued off and the city's gotta pay millions of dollars out to, you know, junkies that were hopped up on an elephant tranquilizer. A cop give a nice proper beating to every once in a while and then it costs millions of dollars and now no one can do their job. But the point is, is the sniper pulled the trigger and took this guy down because then what happens? You get in a car and then it's a high-speed chase to Mexico and everyone else gets killed, you know what I mean? And here's the thing. These guys, these snipers, put a lemon on a fence post, put them 400 yards away. They'll take it out 25 out of 26 times. And the other part, they hit down the fence post a half an inch. Let them go ahead and squeeze the trigger. Especially when they know they got a kill. They'll do it every time. I mean, these guys are crazy. So here's my point. I thought to myself, if I ever get in a hostage situation, I want to somehow let the sniper know it's okay to squeeze the trigger. I would like to have that paperwork because otherwise it's a good pistol whipping by the guy, it's thrown in the back of the car and then it's the high-speed pursuit where he decides he's gonna end his life in mine by driving off the freeway overpass or into a semi truck. I want the guy to take the shot. Go ahead, when you got a clean one, go ahead. And by the way, the guys aren't that far away. Snipers, 20 yards away.

1:15:33 Drew One of the things that I think come out of all the sort of international problems we're having is that things have clarified a little bit.

1:15:39 Adam Little bit. You got a clean kill, got a good kill.

1:15:42 Drew But there's such a, but people like, those good guys are bad guys, I kinda get that now.

1:15:45 Adam Here's all I want, here's what I want. I decided there should be a system, much like I have the sticker for the donor on my license, sniper, hat, it's a symbol of a hat turned backwards.

1:15:57 Drew Perfect.

1:15:57 Adam And that means if Corolla ever gets in this hostage situation, squeeze away.

1:16:02 Drew Well, that's.

1:16:02 Adam Quick run of the DMV, and you just get on the computer, who do we got in there, Corolla. Oh, it's got sniper hat, squeeze away.

1:16:10 Drew But it's not up to the hostage, whether or not the.

1:16:13 Adam No, it is, I'm saying that I'm gonna.

1:16:16 Drew Is that why they're afraid to do it? Because the hostage might get hit too or something?

1:16:19 Adam Of course, that's why they're afraid to do it.

1:16:21 Drew No, they're afraid to do it because you're infringing on his rights. Who knows what the situation is?

1:16:26 Adam Well, yes, but yeah, but that's okay. When a guy's standing there with no hostage, and he's insane, and he's spouting out all sorts of crazyisms, they don't wanna shoot him.

1:16:38 Drew Right.

1:16:40 Adam When a guy has a hostage and is especially brandishing a weapon and is looking like they're gonna hurt the hostage, I think they're fine with killing the gunman. It's just the fear of hitting the hostage makes them, and the 1% chance of hitting the hostage overrides the 99% chance they're gonna actually get the guy, and they usually have discretion be the better part of valor. I'm saying, I'm signing off, squeeze the trigger. And you see the little sticker with backwards hat.

1:17:08 Drew Perfect.

1:17:09 Adam Drew, you want one of those on your license?

1:17:10 Drew I want a t-shirt like that.

1:17:11 Adam You know what you could do? You take the backwards hat, you put it on the donor circle.

1:17:16 Drew Yeah, yeah. Perfect.

1:17:17 Adam Yeah, I know the t-shirt you may not be wearing when you're taking a hostage.

1:17:20 Drew Yeah, just in case, though. I like the t-shirt.

1:17:22 Adam With the bullseye or with the?

1:17:23 Drew No, the hat going backwards.

1:17:25 Adam Shoot it, stupid, and the arrow. All right. All right, you know what else I'd like on my license? I would like a sticker of the shape of the things I want donated. Because I don't want everything donated. Except for the shape of the spleen.

1:17:39 Drew How would you specify the cornea?

1:17:41 Adam Cornea, it's its own shape.

1:17:43 Drew A little contact lens shape, a little convex.

1:17:44 Adam Yeah, whatever it is, we'll work. Don't worry about that, Drew. I'll work that out.

1:17:49 Drew You're right.

1:17:50 Adam Little stickers all over. What do you got? Well, I'm giving a liver, spleen, cornea. Right lung, not the left. That's a keeper, yeah. That's my ticket through the pearly gates. I need a lung. All right, you ready to rock here, Drew? Ready to rock? All right, let's talk to Lana.

1:18:08 Hello.

1:18:08 Adam Lana, 26. What's up? We're doing great, baby. Thanks for asking.

1:18:15 Okay, so I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year, and he only seems to be able to orgasm when he's standing up, whether during sex or when I'm going down on him. I don't know if this is like a sign that he's got some sort of erectile dysfunction.

1:18:30 Drew No, no, no, no, no.

1:18:34 Adam Really? Do you think that's a sign that he has erectile dysfunction?

1:18:36 Drew Well, you know he's... Well, something.

1:18:38 I mean, it's not something I'm normal, or I mean, normally accustomed to.

1:18:43 Adam Yeah.

1:18:44 Drew Everyone's a little different that way. This is his thing. He's one of those guys that needs to tighten his legs, probably, in order to ejaculate.

1:18:50 Adam Whatever. What works for him?

1:18:53 Drew Whatever.

1:18:54 Adam Well, I mean, what if you got on top of him? He couldn't do it that way, huh?

1:19:00 He also seems to lose direction easily, too, in any other position.

1:19:04 Adam Other than, let's say, a little doggy. Standing by the foot of the bed.

1:19:10 Drew How is that?

1:19:11 Yeah, that works perfectly.

1:19:12 Drew How is it all for you?

1:19:13 It's fine. It's just, I feel like, if it's, you know, maybe, I guess I'm a little confused by it, and I didn't know if that was something we could do.

1:19:21 Adam Chicks are way too much thinking, by the way.

1:19:23 Drew Imagine if chicks had to deal with chicks. Their heads would explode.

1:19:27 Adam Lesbos do.

1:19:28 Drew But you know what I mean? Everyone's so different. I mean, yeah.

1:19:31 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Guys, very, very bad. And let me tell you the difference between, difference between guys in, sexually, it's like the difference between a spoon and a spork. Both white plastic. Well, one of them's got a little, yeah. It's about the same.

1:19:49 Drew No.

1:19:49 Adam You do the same thing. You got to eat a yogurt. Do it with the other one.

1:19:52 Drew And for women, it's, you're going off the utensil chart. It's like you leave.

1:19:56 Adam Where is that utensil?

1:19:57 Drew You go to Chopsticks, and you go to, I mean, it's spears, shish kebabs, nutmeg grinders.

1:20:02 Adam It's crazy. They're all over the place. Yeah.

1:20:06 Drew Yeah.

1:20:06 Adam Let me tell you this with Thanksgiving coming up.

1:20:09 Drew Tell me.

1:20:10 Adam Little eggnog full of fresh nutmeg on top, huh?

1:20:13 Drew I had a Starbucks.

1:20:15 Adam Fresh nutmeg.

1:20:16 Drew Coffee? Unbelievable.

1:20:18 Adam Oh, listen. Do not deny yourself the nog this year, everybody. And, really, not a whole lot better than eggnog. You don't do better than eggnog.

1:20:28 Drew And soon a cranberry recipe coming up.

1:20:31 Adam Yeah. You guys want to get your pads and pencils ready because Ace, Uncle Ace, can we get this cranberry recipe. And that will be accompanied with a 45-minute crazed rant about why we need cranberries in our lives and why we need fresh cranberries.

1:20:45 Drew You're not going to bleed that in any religious, insulting religious contract.

1:20:49 Adam You're going to get fired up. So what's her name? Lana is fine. Yeah, he's fine. Let him be. He's cool. You're doing a good job.

1:21:01 I guess. We'll keep at it.

1:21:04 Adam You sound hot too, baby.

1:21:06 It's actually my cold, but thanks.

1:21:08 Adam Yeah. Lana is just a hot name. What do you do? Do a little cocktail waitressing or something? What do you do? Hot. I knew it. Yeah, do you carry, do you have a clipboard?

1:21:27 I'm sorry? No, I don't.

1:21:31 Adam Even researchers don't have clipboards.

1:21:33 Drew Right, actual researchers never have clipboards. Yeah. At least not that they would walk around with.

1:21:37 Adam All right, you ready to play Germany or Florida?

1:21:40 Drew Yeah, let's do it.

1:21:40 Adam Sweep in the nation this game. Cassie?

1:21:43 Yep.

1:21:44 Adam Twenty-one.

1:21:45 Yep.

1:21:45 Adam What's happening?

1:21:47 Nothing much.

1:21:48 Adam Got a little Germany or Florida for us?

1:21:57 Drew I think Anderson's taking Dag's whining time.

1:22:01 Adam Actually, Dag, or David Alan Greer, or my main man as I know him, evidently listens to the show more than he sort of wants to admit or should, but does seem to call us on a few things and does understand that we don't play his Germany or Florida theme when we do Germany or Florida. We do the-

1:22:19 Drew Now we exclusively do.

1:22:20 Adam We do the Things Are Sick and Twisted from Too Much Sun and Nazis.

1:22:28 Drew Death and Death, wait, Sex, Meth and Death, Fetishes.

1:22:32 Adam It's a good song. Play it Anderson, come on, I love that goddamn song.

1:22:37 Caller From Too Much Sun and Nazis, Sex, Meth and Death, Fetishes, both of them have got these, guaranteed not to bore you, Germany or Florida.

1:22:45 Adam It's bad, but oh so good.

1:22:46 Drew All right, Cassie, go.

1:22:49 Caller Police detain a naked 25-year-old woman and her 23-year-old partner who were engaged in sexual intercourse on the pavement in the middle of a busy shopping street.

1:22:58 Drew We heard this one.

1:22:58 Adam We had this one. Sorry. Sorry, sweetie pea.

1:23:03 Drew Nice try though.

1:23:04 Adam That's all right. All right.

1:23:06 Drew Well done.

1:23:06 Adam All right. And that's how you play Germany or Florida, everybody. It was Florida, right? I can't remember. Whatever it was, we were right about it and it was a week ago, right? Take a quick break. Be right back after this. Dude, you got issues.

1:23:27 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:23:29 Adam Hey, buddy. It's Adam.

1:23:30 Drew And I'm Dr. Drew.

1:23:31 Adam Here to talk about Axe Deodorant Body Spray.

1:23:34 Drew Yes, sir.

1:23:35 Adam You spray that on, you give stink the axe.

1:23:53 Caller Three, two, one, go.

1:23:56 Adam Yeah, woo, get it on. Get it on, get it on. Gotta tell you what, gotta get it on. Freak out, get it on. Woo, get it on. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. Get it on, I'm Adam, get it on. It's that Drew, get it on. Watching news today again, Drew. Little something, little something.

1:24:17 Drew What'd you learn?

1:24:18 Adam It comes up. Well, I learned that the Scott Peterson trial.

1:24:21 Drew Oh, yeah, Hung Dre, I heard about that.

1:24:23 Adam Looks like it might be a mistrial or something. And then I started realizing, you know, the interview, these jurors, and they're really worse than the people that call this show. Oh. And then I think to myself, you know, there's people I like I wouldn't want deciding. Let me tell you, people, I'm trying to think what people's strengths and weaknesses are. One of the things humans don't do real good is just take in input and then make logical decisions based on it. The jury system, if you think about it and you think about the folks you just see out, just walk around. You know what I mean? Go out, go out on the road, guy in front of you, guy behind you, guy at the supermarket. Would you really want him processing information and making a decision? Not really. I really wouldn't. I wouldn't, if it was me who was, might go to prison, I wouldn't be if it was me who's spouse this guy allegedly murdered. Here's what I'm saying.

1:25:22 Drew And yet people that work in the legal system always say, well jurors, they seem to make the right decisions.

1:25:26 Adam It's the best, it's, well look, it may not be the best, but it's the only one. I think we gotta move away. And all I'm saying is, is let's just, let's just get that lie detector thing going. I've talked about it a long time. Lie detector's been around for 40 years. It's fairly effective now. It's not effective with everybody. And again, we do this thing where it's like, well, if it doesn't work on 2% of the people that do it, then we can't use it. Well, don't you think the jury screws up more than 2% of the time? I mean, you got OJ and Klaus van Buylen, and maybe Scott Peterson. Oh, it happens all the time, good and bad. And I mean, first off, we're always worried about, well, if this just sends one guy to prison, let me do this one. If it sends one guy, one innocent man to prison, then it's not worth, well, I think it is. But it's not all about sending guys who aren't guilty to prison. It could keep a lot of guys who aren't guilty out of prison who we end up sending to prison. Think about that. I mean, think about all those poor guys who couldn't afford legal representation, who got some DA who was looking to screw with the evidence a little. What about all those guys who got railroaded? Keep all those guys, bet those guys wish they just took a light attack there. I mean, imagine you're innocent, you're just sitting there and the DA's pulling up people. Yeah, I saw him. Some racist guy sitting there going, no, that was him. What would that feel like? You'd be praying for a lie detector. Sure. Here's all I'm saying. Lie detector's been around for a while. Now we got super computers, man. I mean, we can read people's retinas and stuff. We know more about the brain than we ever did.

1:27:09 Drew Yeah, let's come up with something.

1:27:10 Adam Let's just work on it. Let's just focus on it. Put the world to it. And it's a world standard. It's just everywhere. And there's no trials, there's no publicity, there's no judges, no nothing. And we still keep a couple of judges just for sentencing. But it's real easy. Scott Pearson, we think you murdered your wife. No, I didn't. Great, put your finger through here. Put this belt around here. Gonna ask you, actually, not even a series of questions. One question, did you murder your wife? Yes or no, pow, done. Let's just focus on that technology. Seriously, Drew, how far away are we from that?

1:27:43 Drew Oh, I don't know.

1:27:44 Adam And wouldn't you just, if you were innocent, wouldn't you just wanna take one?

1:27:48 Drew Sure, but biological would be tough. It's gotta be something like that. You're right, though. We should be able to put our mind to finding something if there is something like that.

1:27:55 Adam Let's look at it this way. We got some Viking probe that's taking pictures of Mars and getting ready, landing stuff on Mars. We got fake hearts and valves and stuff, and we're going crazy. We're going nuts. We could do this. Plus, the technology is already in place. It just needs to be refined a little bit. We could do it, Drew, and we could do it soon. We could focus on it. Boom, no more courts, no more juries, no more OJs, no more nothing. Just take care of it.

1:28:29 Drew For a while, we could just have a system where people, you sign up. It's like, if you want the lie detector, if you haven't done it, sign up for the lie detector.

1:28:36 Adam Here's the thing, too. By the way, we're spending a lot of time with Scott Peterson. What if he didn't do it? Aren't there murders? What about the guy who killed Ron Perlman and Nicole? Still on the loose. We gotta go after him. Know what I'm saying? And if you don't wanna submit to the lie detector, it's just like not submitting to a breathalyzer. You get a DUI. You're guilty. And it's guilt, right? Oh, you don't wanna do it? Well, you must be drunk. See what I'm saying? I brought it up before, but no one focuses on it, Drew. Let's do it. You'd be for it, right?

1:29:09 Drew Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Here we go, break it down.

1:29:12 Adam No, break it down. Get it on.

1:29:15 Drew No, no, break it down.

1:29:17 Adam Rae Lynn? You're 19?

1:29:20 Caller Yes.

1:29:21 Adam Four months pregnant?

1:29:25 Drew Okay.

1:29:26 Adam Been on hold for a while. And you have a boyfriend?

1:29:31 Caller Yeah.

1:29:32 Drew And what's happening?

1:29:33 Caller And he does not wanna keep the kid. I actually was gonna go in for an abortion before, but we both didn't do it. And I'm having really mixed feelings. I don't know what to do. And I don't want to depend.

1:29:47 Drew Adoption, adoption, adoption. This child needs two parents. Two parents who are not 19, two parents who are really ready to be parents. If you wanna make a sacrifice on behalf of the child, if you really are concerned for the child and not your feelings about your pregnancy, which I know is a tough, tough thing to overcome, give this child up for adoption.

1:30:08 Adam Yes, there will be a, by the way, they vigorously, they vigorously screen the gay couples before they give the kids to them. Rae-Lynn?

1:30:22 Caller Yeah, what about gay couples?

1:30:24 Adam I'm just saying, by the way, do you get a choice? What if you don't want your kids to go to a gay couple? Is that weird? You get to say?

1:30:30 Drew I think sometimes you get a choice.

1:30:31 Adam You get to pick the family. You pick the family? All right. Go gay, I say on the family. Better people. Really are. What's your boyfriend do? Does he work? No job.

1:30:49 Drew No job.

1:30:50 Adam All right, well, you gotta go the adoption route. So what's-

1:30:54 Drew John needs a fighting chance.

1:30:55 Adam Needs a chance. What's the question, though?

1:30:58 Drew That's it, that's the question.

1:31:00 Caller I'm just having really mixed feelings because he totally won't settle for anything other than adoption.

1:31:09 Drew There's an interesting thing with, again, men and women. Men are much more pragmatic about this because they have no drive for baby. Women have a maternal drive. There's an organic, almost erotic drive for baby in addition to an emotional drive, too. And so it's hard to disconnect from that. And men can be very pragmatic about it. No, no, no, let's do it good for this child. Let's go, come on, let's go.

1:31:30 Adam Right, yeah, yeah, and guys, they might eat the kid, too. Let's be honest, a 19-year-old unemployed gets stoned, eats the kid. Yeah, listen to your boyfriend. He's not gonna be right very often, but this time he may be. And look, it's a tough decision. I know we're very casual about it. Oh, give it up for adoption. But it is the right thing to do because your job is to think what's best for the kid not what's best for you and the kid, just the kid.

1:31:58 Drew Or what you feel would be right because your feelings are gonna be naturally to stay with the child. May not be the best interest of the child.

1:32:05 Adam Okay, take a quick break. Be right back after this. Hey, everybody. Well, that's the show. God bless you for listening tonight. Tomorrow night, Elizabeth from The Apprentice. Hot, hot, hot, hot, Elizabeth. I'll pick up the pieces. And then Jason Bateman and Will Arnett from Arrested Development on Thursday night. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo. Why don't we invent a religion for animals? Aren't they scared? They get run over all the time. This has been Loveline.

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Tuesday, November 9, 2004