Episode 1000655965242

9:17 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Sexually oriented content.

9:28 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

9:29 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

9:31 Drew It's different than someone who has the chronic 24-hour-a-day depression. Shut your mouth.

9:40 I'm talking about a gag.

9:42 Drew You know, because if you admit that I'm right, you're not gonna have a job.

9:46 David Alan Grier No, I love it if you're right, Mike Chau. My job easy. I don't have to convince people to stop doing stuff.

9:50 Drew Your addiction is healing people, and I wish you'd stop.

9:53 David Alan Grier That's true.

9:53 Adam Hey, everyone, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. That's Dr. Dag, my main man.

9:59 David Alan Grier Dag came in with a headache. He's like talking about addiction.

10:04 Adam Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew, board certified physician. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist.

10:19 David Alan Grier Sing a song about that.

10:22 Adam Dr. Dag, guy from McHale's Navy. Do you hear me?

10:27 Drew You have an addiction to my bad movies.

10:30 David Alan Grier I was looking at some of them. I didn't realize some of the names.

10:33 Adam A bitter Dag in here, by the way. I'm a whore. How to get the man's foot out of your ass.

10:44 Drew Well, that was changed to badass. They thought that would be more commercial.

10:47 Adam I'm going to get you, sucka. You don't know that film, Drew? That's a big cult classic.

10:51 Drew Absolutely.

10:53 Adam Drew is so unhip. He doesn't know that movie.

10:55 Drew All he knows is, you know, tetracycline and you.

10:59 Now, that's a good movie.

11:01 Adam Here's the thing about Dag. Dag, smart, talented.

11:05 David Alan Grier Super smart.

11:05 Drew Bring it to me, baby.

11:06 Adam Super talented.

11:07 David Alan Grier That's what we like.

11:08 Adam But troubled.

11:09 Drew No.

11:10 Adam And plague.

11:11 Drew No.

11:11 Yeah. No.

11:12 Adam Are you OK?

11:13 Drew I'm beautiful, baby.

11:14 Adam You're doing good?

11:15 Drew Mm-hmm.

11:16 Adam You're looking good, brother.

11:17 Drew I brought a brand new puppy today. A brand wonderful, greater Swiss mountain dog.

11:21 David Alan Grier Is it the Pyrenees?

11:22 Drew Great Pyrenees? No. It's a greater Swiss mountain dog.

11:25 David Alan Grier Never.

11:26 Drew Well, that's a disease. You should, you know.

11:27 David Alan Grier That's just stupidity.

11:28 Drew Open your ears.

11:29 Adam Drew and Dag were arguing feverishly.

11:33 Drew We were discussing.

11:33 Adam When I walked in. And they were wearing headphones and they were arguing into the mic.

11:38 Drew Well, we didn't want to hear each other because that's an addiction.

11:41 Adam They were literally. And I swear to Christ, you're sitting 22 inches apart from each other, yelling into each other, into the microphone. Wearing headphones.

11:48 David Alan Grier Dag decided that addiction was not a disease and that if some.

11:51 Drew No, I said some addictions.

11:54 David Alan Grier Hold on.

11:54 Heroin addiction is a disease. And I.

11:57 Drew Shoplifting is not a disease.

11:58 David Alan Grier I agree. First off. We had to define disease and.

12:03 Adam Ironically, the best radio I've ever heard Drew do, except for it was Off the Ass.

12:07 Drew Right.

12:07 Adam That was number one. Number two. I walked into the studio. My usual three minutes of saw these two going at it, yelling at each other in the microphone and thought somehow I had set my clock back or something. There's a show going on. Nobody looked at me. No producer. And it weighed me off or anything. I just stood there staring at him. They continued. I was scared to shut the door. And when I make noise.

12:28 David Alan Grier We're still yelling.

12:33 Drew I read a wonderful book I recommended to all here present.

12:37 David Alan Grier It's called The Surrender.

12:39 Drew No, it's called The Surrender. It's by Tony Bentley, a former ballet dancer who claims she found God through anal sex. It is a wonderful.

12:46 David Alan Grier Serious.

12:47 Drew Absolutely. I've passed it to every woman I know. Mom, I want the book back, please.

12:53 David Alan Grier Well, everyone knows, Adam, everyone knows Dag's technique with women.

12:57 Drew It's what is it?

12:58 Adam Yeah. Well, and engineer Anderson had a roll tape on one of Dag's recent lovemaking sessions. And it was awesome.

13:22 Drew There's only one thing I left out, is this noise is usually intermittent.

13:33 David Alan Grier But she sees God at that moment. Yes.

13:35 Drew Well, no, not like this one. Yeah. She said she saw it because she found God.

13:40 Adam Dag is in the process of, please.

13:49 Drew I'm curious to hear what you think about it, because it is very interesting, but I don't think in the way she meant it to be.

13:55 David Alan Grier She was very serious about it.

13:57 Drew But it is a test of obsession, which I'm obsessed with. No, just her acting out.

14:02 David Alan Grier Oh, really?

14:03 Drew Yeah, of course.

14:05 David Alan Grier Did you come across her at any point in your exploits?

14:07 Drew No, no. No, no. I read a review in the New York Times Magazine, and of course I had to get it.

14:14 David Alan Grier The New York Review of Books?

14:16 Drew Well, magazine section. You know, they do every week they have the magazine, you know.

14:20 David Alan Grier The New York Review?

14:21 Drew The New York Review.

14:23 David Alan Grier But I'm mad that they would review that.

14:25 Adam He started it.

14:26 Drew No!

14:26 Adam He came at me and he said, I'm an addiction and I don't, no means no. Let's heal babies. Let me just get a plug, a quick plug in for Dag. Working on Bewitched now.

14:47 Drew Absolutely.

14:48 Adam On the set.

14:49 Drew Speak right around the corner. Right around the corner on the Culver lot.

14:51 Adam Over at Sony or Culver. Nicole Kidman.

14:55 Drew I call her Nikki. That's what we call her. Hey, Nikki.

14:58 Adam Do you talk to her? How is she?

15:00 Drew I do.

15:00 Adam Is she cool?

15:01 Drew She's wonderful. She doesn't have a big, you know, crew and no, she sits there. She's very down to earth. Really? Shirley MacLaine is a hoot. She's nuts. Is she playing a dora? Michael Caine is the coolest, though. He's just with rap. No, he's the father. Yeah, he's the dad.

15:20 David Alan Grier Who's Dr. Bombay?

15:21 Drew Dr. Bombay is a guy.

15:24 David Alan Grier And Aunt Clara?

15:24 Drew Steve Wimminit.

15:25 Adam Wait a minute. Is Caine must be Mr. Tate?

15:29 Drew No, Caine is Isabel's, Samantha's dad.

15:35 Adam Oh, really? Because he wasn't in it too much.

15:37 Drew He would just pop in once in a while.

15:38 Adam Well, he's in the movie.

15:39 Drew You didn't see me neither in the movie, in the series, did you? The Black Dude?

15:43 Adam No, I didn't.

15:46 Drew I am all minorities.

15:49 Adam What are you in the movie, by the way?

15:50 Drew Not to give too much away. I'm a television director. I work very closely with people. I tried to, but they were like, cut.

16:01 I think I was addicted to vomit.

16:04 Adam Also, you can see Dag in the great Crank Yanker show on Tuesday nights at 1030 Comedy Central.

16:12 Drew Hey, what did you do with my bad perverse Christmas carols? Were you able to do anything?

16:18 Adam Oh yeah, yeah, that aired.

16:19 Drew Oh, I loved that. That was so much fun.

16:22 Adam Yeah, great rapping, great freestyle caroling, rapping.

16:28 Drew No one would hang up.

16:29 I would go on and on.

16:31 Drew Let me throw something at you.

16:33 Ba la la la, ba la la la, ba la la la. Go on and on.

16:36 They're like, I don't think I can help you, sir.

16:39 Adam Let me explain something too, Dag. I got to tell you something.

16:43 Drew Come at me, man.

16:44 Adam And please, I hope you accept this in the spirit in which it's intended.

16:47 Drew This is not an addiction. Act like you're talking to James Toney, all right?

16:52 Adam I'll just tell you this. There's plenty of racist people left in the country. But for every one of them, there's 500 that feel really bad about that one racist guy and will stay on the phone with you for four hours while you insult them because they don't want to be perceived as that guy. And all I'm saying to the black man is, you got a lot of guys that are racist and that's something you got to deal with. But there's guys that will bend over backwards who do not be called racist. And I think the average guy, Drew, please be honest, you're walking down the street, white guy comes up to you, wants some change, you tell him to get a job. Black guy comes up, he's like, oh, here, sorry, brother, there you go, I'm sorry. And there is that element. So I'm saying, enjoy that element.

17:32 Drew If he looks like Wayne Brady, you're not gonna, oh, run, honey, run, it's Wayne Brady. You're not gonna do that, come on.

17:39 Come on, brother. Bob.

17:42 Adam Bob, you're 29.

17:44 Caller I am 29.

17:45 Adam What's up?

17:47 Caller Let's see, I've been going through, I've been married twice and ever since my both marriages, I have not been able to keep an erection for more than maybe two minutes at the most.

18:01 David Alan Grier Is that only with the wives or has it always been that way for you?

18:04 Caller I didn't lose my virginity until I was married.

18:07 David Alan Grier So those are the only two women you've been with? Wow. And both of them you've had trouble with?

18:14 Drew Yeah. I thought you said since. I thought you said since you were married.

18:19 Caller No, I had four total partners.

18:22 Drew Hold on, let me just be clear. You're saying since you've been married or during the marriages?

18:28 Caller During.

18:29 David Alan Grier During.

18:30 Caller And now I'm involved with somebody else that I live with and I still have the same problem.

18:35 David Alan Grier All right, so all women you're with.

18:38 Drew Describe the woman.

18:39 Adam You can't go longer than two minutes.

18:41 David Alan Grier Are you on medication? Are you on medication?

18:43 Do you have any medical problems?

18:46 Caller I was in a very serious accident a few years ago, seven years ago actually. I was in a coma. I was in an ATV accident.

18:57 Yeah.

18:59 Caller I was in a coma for nine and a half days.

19:02 David Alan Grier Well, certainly that can affect it.

19:04 Adam Hey, let me say this about the coma though. You should have to deduct the time you would have been asleep.

19:09 Caller Thank you.

19:11 David Alan Grier During the coma period? It's credit.

19:12 Adam Yeah, like if you got nine days, four and a half. Minus eight hours, nine times. At 45 hours, you got to deduct like two days. That's an eye down to seven and a half. Because you would have been sleeping anyway. You see what I'm saying?

19:24 Drew He's got nine days in the bank.

19:25 Adam It's only fair. I'm just saying.

19:27 Drew Let me, can I ask a question?

19:28 Adam It's still a tragedy, Bob.

19:30 Drew Bobby, was there ever a time when you and the little man were in sync?

19:35 Caller No, I was always raised like a real cheap kind of person. So I never really got the actual activity. You know, masturbation was wrong. So I didn't really get any practice until I was married.

19:48 David Alan Grier Well, well, well, well, well, you never masturbated?

19:50 Caller No, I was always told that that is absolutely incorrect, wrong.

19:56 Adam We couldn't have hung in high school at all.

19:59 Drew I recommend a sex therapist or surrogate, and I've never ever recommended that for anyone, but it seems like he needs to just relax. And I would also ask you to describe the personality traits of these women, and I would bet that they're pretty much internally the same personality type, meaning get away from me.

20:18 You're absolutely correct.

20:19 Caller The woman I'm with now is completely different. She's absolutely, besides being stunning and gorgeous and all of that, she is very independent. She's not like the two women. That's why I'm not, absolutely that's why I'm not with them anymore.

20:34 David Alan Grier All right, all right.

20:35 Adam Hey, hey, Bob, first off, by the way, just when you're being set up on the blind date with Bob and someone works in ATV coma, it paints a small picture. Picture a guy showing up in hunting, like wearing like an orange hunting vest and drooling.

20:53 Drew Yeah.

20:55 David Alan Grier Or fishing gear.

20:57 Drew Bob, stick with this new girl.

20:58 Adam Yeah, I like her. I like her. And Bob, here's the other thing, too. Are you having an orgasm in two minutes or are you losing your erection in two minutes?

21:06 Caller It's a little, actually, what happens is I orgasm and then all of a sudden it's gone and it doesn't usually come back for two or three hours.

21:13 Adam Right. I got the same problem. You better hope it leaves when you're done.

21:17 Drew Well, wait a minute. Let me tell you something. Bob, you have to go about your sexual life like you go about your career as a plumber and ask for not. You have to put some energy into it.

21:32 David Alan Grier Make sure they don't look at you.

21:33 You gotta read that corn-holing for dummies book that Dag was pushing a few hours back.

21:39 Drew No, but I mean, you know, come on.

21:41 Put some energy into it.

21:42 David Alan Grier Bob, he orgasms in two minutes. He doesn't understand that he's supposed to lose his erection after orgasm.

21:47 Well, not for three hours.

21:48 David Alan Grier I know, but. Right. Well.

21:50 Drew Not when inspired. I mean, I don't want to get too personal, but.

21:53 David Alan Grier Yeah, I don't want to hear about it. But the fact is, you need to figure out a way to sustain your self.

21:59 Adam Yeah, all right. Okay, here's what we can say.

22:01 Drew With encouragement.

22:02 David Alan Grier So maybe he should be masturbating now.

22:04 With her in the room.

22:06 Adam Bob is a little behind the curve because of this upbringing.

22:10 David Alan Grier By the way, the only male I've ever heard of who actually was scared out of masturbating. Yeah, I've never heard of that before.

22:16 Drew I know, I met a couple of women. According to them, they never masturbated.

22:21 David Alan Grier Yeah, women.

22:21 Drew Except for when they only had sex in a relationship. You know what I mean?

22:27 David Alan Grier That's very common.

22:27 Adam That's common.

22:28 David Alan Grier I've never met it. I've heard of it. I know. Heather?

22:32 Adam Heather?

22:33 David Alan Grier I'm sorry. No, no, we got to this one.

22:35 Oh, where'd he go?

22:36 David Alan Grier Yeah.

22:37 Adam Okay, Drew.

22:37 Drew There was a time, Adam, when you were in control.

22:38 You gotta think and then stop.

22:40 Adam Heather, 20. I know.

22:41 All right, just quiet.

22:43 Adam Heather? Love of Christ. You're 20?

22:46 Caller What's up?

22:47 Hey, what's the best way to get help for smoking weed?

22:53 David Alan Grier You've been smoking how long? All right, look. You got to go to Marijuana Anonymous. You can call local AA, MA. You go to the meetings. You will find dozens of people just like yourself, because marijuana affects essentially all people the same way when it is addictive.

23:08 Drew It's not addictive for everybody.

23:10 David Alan Grier It's usually, there's a priming effect. Usually, the second or third exposure, after first thinking it's an okay drug, no big deal. The third exposure, people will have this amazing euphoria, like, oh my God, this is the greatest thing ever happened to me. And they will be preoccupied about it from there forward. Every single day, they'll be thinking about it, thinking about it, and most days using.

23:28 Drew But why is it, when you hang out with people who smoke a lot of reefer, it seems like they're on 16 RPM and everybody else.

23:35 David Alan Grier Because there is a dysfunction in the frontal lobes and the amygdala.

23:38 Drew How long have you been smoking marijuana?

23:40 David Alan Grier Myself?

23:40 Drew Yes.

23:41 David Alan Grier Because I'm on 8, 16.

23:43 Adam Hey, Heather?

23:44 Drew Please get some help.

23:46 Adam Heather?

23:46 Yeah.

23:46 Adam All right. What are you doing? You're 20 years old. You going to school?

23:50 Caller No, I'm actually working. I want to go to school for psychology, actually.

23:55 David Alan Grier You cannot be a psychologist and addicted to marijuana.

23:58 Drew What about the therapist who said she was a hooker in her part-time?

24:01 David Alan Grier Yeah, that was...

24:02 Drew I wanted to meet her.

24:03 Adam Yeah, sounded foxy.

24:04 David Alan Grier But remember, she was taking care of autistic kids.

24:06 Drew I have no problem, Dr. Drew. I'm with a patient right now, a customer right now.

24:11 Adam Look, I'm telling you, anything with kids is a cop-out. Writing kids' books, kids' psychologists, anything that... What's a six-year-old going to do? Call you on your ass? You give him some clay, you tell him to work with it for 45 minutes, you're done. You write a kid's book. It's like, hop on. Dr. Seuss, genius, for hop on pop.

24:28 Drew It's one word a page. We could all write a kid's book right here by midnight.

24:32 Adam Hey, you want to eat some green eggs and ham?

24:34 Drew No.

24:35 Adam How about on a train?

24:37 Drew No. Genius!

24:39 Adam Genius, I tell you.

24:40 Drew The end.

24:41 Adam Oh, what a genius he was. Yeah, fantastic.

24:44 Drew Heather, are you in a relationship? What's going on?

24:48 Adam She's stoned. She's done.

24:49 Drew Wow. Look at you.

24:50 Adam I want to get some help.

24:51 David Alan Grier I'm angry, dude. I'm angry.

24:52 Drew You know what? Well, you know, process that. I can't. Because I remember, call me Knucklehead Johnson. I remember when I came in here a few years ago, and I saw two young gentlemen who were energized by disease, who wanted to help some babies, but now, when I come in the room, here's what I hear. Hi, Dr. Drew, my hand just fell off.

25:17 Caller Well, so what?

25:19 Drew Next caller, you get involved. Look at me, eyes front.

25:23 David Alan Grier Focus in.

25:24 David Alan Grier You're scaring me now.

25:25 Drew You take that call, and you give them the energy that you give the 837 other people you're trying to get book deals, movies, Dr. Drew's underwear with, you put it in the patients.

25:36 Caller Anyway, next caller, let's say some babies.

25:38 Adam Here we go. Dag's ready to rock. You're 18? What's up?

25:44 Caller Yeah.

25:44 I just want to say that you are so sexy, but I actually had a question and it was, is it normal to come in your sleep?

25:55 David Alan Grier Yes, it's normal. Males do that routinely. Women often will do that, but men, if they don't masturbate, will always do that.

26:03 Drew Nocturnal emission.

26:05 David Alan Grier Well, men have stuff that accumulates that has to come out and women can sort of build up a little bit too.

26:10 Drew Women, women have stuff that has to come out, but usually it's through the mouth, verbally.

26:14 Caller And yeah, you're not listening to me. I just feel like I want to. Are you sleeping?

26:19 Adam Yeah, they have dreams.

26:21 Caller I just, I would, you know, I feel like I was going to be, you know what I mean? But like when I tell you that, you just like look and you're like staring at me, open it, open it, open it, open it in my eyes.

26:33 Drew Yeah, stuff like that. Now why did you ask the question? Is this happening to you?

26:38 It happened like once this past weekend. So I was wondering if it was normal.

26:42 Drew Was there a dream or something or did you just wake up and wow!

26:46 It was a dream and then I woke up and it was like that.

26:48 Adam What were you dreaming about?

26:50 To tell you the truth, I don't really remember, but I just remember having him.

26:55 David Alan Grier A guy with no face.

26:56 I was, I wasn't with a guy. I think I was just with myself. No, I had a dream that I was getting myself.

27:12 David Alan Grier Women don't waste their time with partners.

27:15 Drew Oh my God, Mr. Woman expert here.

27:17 Adam Women's sexual dreams are great because it's like, who were you humping? I don't know. I never saw his face.

27:23 David Alan Grier Faceless guy.

27:24 Adam Really? You asked a guy like, who were you? Marcia? Claudia Schover. From the office? I was giving it to her and a temp, the new temp. In my parking lot? Up against dumpster. Guys are like, fuzzy face, couldn't tell, not even sure what the sexuality of the creature was. I think women make love to, like Marilyn Manson video kind of thing, like androgynous, what aliens are like. Like they don't wear clothes, but they don't have to fog. That's what they do. How come, by the way.

28:01 David Alan Grier They make love to feelings.

28:02 Drew Yes, they do.

28:03 Adam How come, you know, magically, every alien who doesn't wear clothes doesn't have genitalia either. And then the ones that do wear clothes, have, assumingly have genitalia, like once in a while there's that big heads and no genitalia.

28:19 Caller I got a book about aliens.

28:20 Adam Oh, do you?

28:22 Drew They all got jimmies.

28:24 David Alan Grier I think it's the rectal lovelines.

28:25 Drew It's true. It's called jimmies from outer space.

28:28 Yeah.

28:28 Adam Dag in studio tonight, by the way.

28:31 Drew Can we, can we, do you have a dimmer up in here, man?

28:34 Adam You want to get some light? You want to bring it down a little?

28:37 All right.

28:38 Drew An interrogation. Can we get some music? There we go. Yes, Dr. Drew, what was that?

28:44 Caller Uh-huh. Okay.

28:48 Drew Crying is an addiction.

28:50 Caller Look at me.

28:52 David Alan Grier That's for you to take that.

28:55 Adam They had a little satellite hit and scared the crap out of Dag.

28:58 Drew That is scary.

28:59 Adam All right. We ready to rock and roll?

29:02 David Alan Grier We just reset Dag. It's good.

29:05 Caller You're rebooted, Dagaroni.

29:07 Adam Let me tell you something. I just got back from New York.

29:09 Drew So what did you do in New York, man?

29:11 Adam Had a little meeting, radio meetings.

29:16 Drew Well, tell me about it. I'm really interested.

29:18 Adam I'll tell you off the air.

29:19 Drew Do you have like a nocturnal radio emission you want to tell us? Well, what happened in New York? Big stuff's being planned?

29:24 Adam A couple of things. Well, you never know. And I'm not just being coy, but let me tell you something. Half this town is just meetings about meetings you're going to have later. You really have meetings like here's how the meeting goes. I'm glad you could join us for this. I'm glad you could join us for this meeting. I'd like to really cut through the crap and start talking about when we can plan our next meeting and what we might talk about in that meeting. How's midweek in December? Good. Is good for you? Can you meet then? What we'll do, we'll talk about having a meeting. In that meeting, we're going to talk about our next meeting. Alright, you cool?

30:07 Caller Alright, so you cool to meet?

30:08 Adam Fantastic. It was great meeting you, by the way. We'll be meeting again and having another meeting about a meeting in about three weeks. I can't wait. Well, then schedule... I don't want to get too far ahead of myself here, but early in the year, somewhere around January, maybe the first or second week in January, we'll plan our third meeting about a meeting.

30:26 David Alan Grier That sounds excellent.

30:27 Adam And eventually, it'll just turn into a string of meetings. How dare you? Hey, what did you guys go as for Halloween? Alright, we got a... Drew won as a black man. We got to take a break. I told him it was distasteful. Oh, let me tell you something that's going on lately. Smelling a lot of burps lately. Mine, other people's, everybody's, everyone's.

30:54 David Alan Grier Last week, I swear to God, I was finding it.

30:57 Adam I would rather get peed on than smell a guy's belt. I'm just at the point where I'm used to a guy's ass at this point.

31:03 Drew Okay, stop right there.

31:06 Adam Seriously, that is an addiction.

31:09 Drew Ass fumes are an addiction.

31:11 Adam The point is, is I'm over the ass and now I'm being nauseated by the belt.

31:16 David Alan Grier The whole vomittitious quality is really just a little much.

31:20 Drew Or flatulence, oral flatulence.

31:23 David Alan Grier He dropped some on me last week.

31:24 Caller What have you been eating, man?

31:33 Adam David Alan Grier.

31:35 Drew I don't want to take any breaks. Next caller, Wendy, you're 13.

31:40 Adam He's in the studio tonight. He's working hard.

31:43 Caller He's going to confront Dr. Drew during the break.

31:46 Drew We'll take a quick break.

31:49 Adam Be right back after this. Yeah! Dag in the hissy tonight. David Alan Grier, otherwise known as my main man, he's eating himself a ice cream bar.

32:20 Drew I stole it from the freezer.

32:22 Adam I'll tell ya, we got a bunch of these Hogan Doss bars floating around here.

32:26 Drew I will tell you, gentlemen, in my vicinity, I'm a little lactose intolerant.

32:30 David Alan Grier Oh, that should be great.

32:31 Drew I think we got about an hour and a half.

32:33 David Alan Grier I like the way you smelt the ice. Well done.

32:36 Adam What happened to the hour and a half? That was a second and a half.

32:39 Drew Black man's pain is a white man's burden, but hey, let's save some babies. You know what? Why don't you ever, ever play my version, my operatic version of Germany or Florida?

32:51 Caller I put so much into it.

32:53 Drew And you just, you dog me out. You know, when I went out of sight, out of mind.

32:57 David Alan Grier Well, no, we gotta be honest. We don't like it.

32:59 Things are sick and twisted from two white son and Nazis. Sex, sex, and death fetishes, both of them have got these. Guaranteed not the Boria, Germany or Florida.

33:08 Drew I've seen this guy, you know where he is? He's in the alleyway behind the Kimmel Show every night. Hey, hey, David Alan Grier, will you sign my roll of toilet paper? Hey, hey, don't get in your car.

33:21 David Alan Grier This is our number two.

33:23 Drew Who is this? No, not Tori Amos. Who's the other chick, Michelle Branch?

33:28 Adam You know, we got somebody like that to do one, too.

33:31 Caller She just called me in Florida.

33:36 Drew Her body is better.

33:38 Adam All right, now let's.

33:58 Drew I want to start a write-in campaign. He's got to be stopped. I don't want to hear anymore. I really... I don't want to hear. I just don't want to hear it.

34:16 Adam I got to say something, too. We need to play Germany or Florida tonight. We need to hear Dag's theme song. We need to play Ace's Ranchero Maxxian Accordion Countdown with Dag as well. There's a lot of business to get to, a lot of important business to get to tonight. Not only that, but helping the kids.

34:32 Drew Let's heal this country, the red and the blue.

34:34 Caller Let's heal it up.

34:36 Adam All right, now listen, Drew, do me a favor. Just, just, just.

34:41 Caller I would like to take some calls.

34:45 Adam All right, let's take some calls. I'm just saying, all that is ahead for tonight. But Drew, we're gonna have to cue it up, work it out during the show. Don't look at Chris and tell him to cue the Ranchero music. Brian? Brian?

35:03 Yes.

35:03 Adam You're 18?

35:05 Caller Yes.

35:05 Adam What's happening?

35:08 Caller Well, lately, and this hasn't been for the entire time, but I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. And lately, when we've been having sex, I'll just sort of go dry during the middle of it.

35:24 David Alan Grier Uh-oh. How long into, how many minutes into it do you go dry?

35:28 Caller Um, maybe about 10 or 15.

35:33 David Alan Grier That's about as long as most women can handle. Most, not all, some like longer, but some women after about 10 minutes, it just becomes, Ouch, and get it over with.

35:42 Caller Right.

35:42 Drew Not Ouch, and get it over with.

35:43 David Alan Grier Some women, a lot of women.

35:45 Caller Normally, it hasn't been a problem until just recently. And because it's not that I'm not excited, and I mean, I'm just as turned on as I normally am, and for some reason, I'm just not, it's just not communicating between my brain and.

36:06 Drew Use a lubricant.

36:07 Adam Yeah, use some lube. I think.

36:11 Drew Why'd you say, uh, why?

36:12 David Alan Grier Why is that a problem?

36:13 Caller Well, why?

36:14 Drew Yeah, I wanna know.

36:14 Caller I just, I just don't really like the feeling of something that's not natural.

36:20 Drew Have you tried it?

36:22 Caller Yes.

36:23 Drew What have you tried? What have you tried?

36:27 Caller I tried that KY warm stuff and.

36:31 Drew You keep trying.

36:33 Caller The regular kind too, I think.

36:35 Drew How about, have you tried wet, the original formula?

36:37 David Alan Grier Wet?

36:38 Caller No, I've never seen that anywhere.

36:40 Drew Well, there are a lot of products out there. You gotta keep trying until you find something and you make friends with it. You have to stop thinking that all of it is gonna come from your body. It's all good.

36:49 David Alan Grier Still, though, I would bet that there's something going on here more than you're willing to sort of admitting to yourself, even, that there's maybe the timing of all this is not right for you. That it's not sort of moving along in a way that works for you and you need to sort of focus on what you need to. Just, it's just, women get very focused on the male and sort of leave themselves behind. Really, do they? Yeah, they do, very often.

37:09 Drew Can I ask you a question really quick? Please.

37:18 Drew Dr. Drew, do you have a clitoris?

37:20 Caller I don't think so.

37:21 David Alan Grier Well, as a matter of fact...

37:22 Caller So stop telling her!

37:24 Adam A lot of dags.

37:24 Drew She doesn't know. I have had it, Adam. You know, a lot of times women's breasts feel like this. Do you have breasts? Yes or no?

37:32 David Alan Grier I have breasts, yes.

37:33 Drew Do you have a vagina?

37:36 David Alan Grier Well, as a matter of fact...

37:37 Adam Let me explain. Who knows what goes on in the old vagina.

37:46 David Alan Grier Dag, please.

37:47 Drew You do not have a Twinkie Hole, mister.

37:49 Adam Please listen to me. I know you just ate the Haagen-Dazs bar, and I don't want you to get sick, but let me explain a procedure Dr. Drew underwent some years ago. They took his penis.

38:06 David Alan Grier No, no, my clitoris.

38:07 Adam No, would you shut up, just shut up, please. The juggler. They took, thank you, they took his penis, and they splayed it. They actually made a cut, long ways on it, and they opened it up, okay? You can see the urethra. And what they did is they took the head of the penis, and they shaved it down, and they moved it open, they opened it up, and the right side of the penis became the labia majora, and his anus became the labia minora. Now, they need a blood supply for it, and what they'll often do is a skin graft from the buttocks and thighs. Now, they will use good skin cells from a cadaver, often times to reconstruct the vulva. It basically looked like someone, for the first six months, it looked like someone put an M80 in a watermelon. I mean, it was not an attractive-looking-

39:08 Drew Now you're turning me on. Now you're turning me on.

39:12 Adam The pus, the constant bleeding.

39:15 Drew He felt like he was a woman inside.

39:17 Adam He did, and then he was let out.

39:20 David Alan Grier Stuck in a man's body.

39:20 Adam All right, now where the hell were we?

39:22 David Alan Grier Yeah, Brian.

39:22 Adam Oh, yes, so Brian, let me try-

39:25 Caller You were saying something about how a lot of times the woman focuses more on the man.

39:30 David Alan Grier Yeah, and they don't really pay attention to sort of what their rhythm and what their needs are in those, I'm just, you know, maybe it's not you, but that does happen a lot.

39:38 Caller Okay, so do you think that I should suggest something to him maybe about that?

39:42 David Alan Grier Well, no, just pay attention to what your needs are and just make sure you're paying attention to yourself during this interaction. If it is gonna go on too long for your body or you're not sort of peaking at a certain time, you know, you gotta sort of just pay attention.

39:54 Adam Well, something's changed, and I think she's concerned, and hold on, calm down.

39:58 David Alan Grier And or maybe you're affected, and maybe your feelings about this relationship has changed.

40:01 Adam I would like to focus on this for a moment. The fact is everything's going along smoothly, and all of a sudden it dries up. You think you're turned on, your vagina begs to differ.

40:09 David Alan Grier Right, your body.

40:10 Adam How long have you been with him?

40:11 Drew That's a good name for a song.

40:13 Caller I've been with him for a year, December 2nd.

40:16 Adam And is everything going along as good as it could go?

40:20 Caller Well, maybe not as good as it could go, but what relationship does?

40:24 David Alan Grier What's the problem?

40:25 Adam Yeah, what's the problem?

40:26 Caller Well, I mean, just we're both going to different schools, so there's a little bit of a time problem. We used to see each other a lot more, so maybe it's a communication thing. But honestly, I do feel just as turned on as I normally do. And I think it's it.

40:43 Adam Where's he going to school, and where are you going to school?

40:47 Caller He's going to Front Range, and I'm going to a school that's about an hour away.

40:52 Adam Oh, he's out in Front Range.

40:53 David Alan Grier She's going to a junior college.

40:55 Drew He's going to Front Range, and she's going to back door.

40:57 Hey, now, look out!

41:02 Caller I can't believe CBS didn't pick him up.

41:07 David Alan Grier Are you seeing other people, or is he seeing other people?

41:09 Caller You sure?

41:11 David Alan Grier Really? You sure?

41:15 Adam I believe it. Here's what happens. Sometimes your vagina starts closing up shop before you actually leave.

41:24 David Alan Grier Your body tells the story before you're breaking it.

41:27 Adam We're not communicating. He's moved. We've drifted apart a little bit. And the vagina says, look, if you're not going to end this relationship, I'm out.

41:36 Drew It's kind of like when you're at the post office, right, Adam? You're still in line. The guy, they're closing the gate. But you haven't made it to the window yet. You've got to buy a book of stamps. They're already dimming the lights, clicking it down. Employees are leaving. Oh, we got you. We got you.

41:53 Caller But we're not really closed yet.

41:55 David Alan Grier He's just as excited about buying those stamps.

41:56 Caller Absolutely, absolutely.

41:58 Drew But it kind of changes when there's a gate on the door and the lights are at half mass and they're going, Please bring your envelopes to the front desk, number one.

42:09 Adam I, by the way, think it's a great sign that I have not been to a post office in at least eight years. And by the way, you want to know how your life is going? See how many times you actually go into the post office, because that's bad.

42:22 Drew Well, I don't go to the post office. I go to my mail drop.

42:26 David Alan Grier All right, better. My mail drop.

42:28 Adam That's a gay bar that David Frequence, by the way.

42:31 Drew Welcome to the mail drop.

42:33 David Alan Grier Don't look at me.

42:33 Drew Your lubricants will always be lubricated. You know, Dr. Drew, don't you think, oh, why, I'm not picking on you. You ask a question, isn't that? I mean, you're supposed to ask questions, right?

42:51 Caller You know, we're not all automatons.

42:53 Drew We're not automatons. Sometimes, I mean, you know, dwenky holes, they got their own minds. You know, sometimes these women, I think especially younger women, they think it's like a machine. It's supposed to happen the same way every time, every day, everything, something changes.

43:04 David Alan Grier Well, what really, yes, there's some of that. And also that women buy the BS that's in the culture and they want to be something different than they are. And they go into sort of denial about what they're experiencing because it's not like it says in Cosmo.

43:18 Drew Right.

43:19 David Alan Grier And this is not how the body works.

43:21 Drew But then when you get with that right person, that inspired person.

43:24 David Alan Grier Magically, it works.

43:25 Drew It works better and in ways you've never experienced. Well, not you because anything that deviates from the missionary position, you're diseased, you're addicted.

43:33 David Alan Grier Oh, he doesn't know me, does he?

43:34 Adam No, no, Drew's a man of exquisite passion.

43:36 Drew Well, not to his callers, you know. One girl says, I like my boyfriend to suck my toes. It's like, which uncle banged you? Please tell me what happened in your youth.

43:45 Adam No, he keeps his passion locked.

43:48 Drew Really?

43:49 Adam In a trunk and chained. But if it ever escapes, it will go on a rampage, a passion rampage.

43:57 Drew Can I ask you something here?

43:58 David Alan Grier Please.

43:58 Adam Sherman, through the South.

44:00 Drew Now, what's going on with the oral sex? You don't really like oral sex or what?

44:03 David Alan Grier Me? That's part of the passion thing.

44:07 Drew He doesn't like it too much?

44:08 David Alan Grier Explain, Adam, please. It's hard to discuss these things, very embarrassing.

44:11 Adam Okay, let me explain something. He is like a, he's like a bear that breaks into a station wagon. And you're explaining, you're trying to explain to the bear, look, why don't you eat some salad? Eat some salad. Eat some salad. How about a dinner roll?

44:29 David Alan Grier How about a roll?

44:30 Adam No, I know you want the meat.

44:33 David Alan Grier No, the BJ is the salad and the meatloaf.

44:35 Caller Oh, no, me no.

44:36 Adam Is that the meatloaf?

44:37 David Alan Grier Well, the salad and the meatloaf.

44:39 You want you to talk to each other, talk to bear.

44:41 Adam No, here's what I'm saying.

44:41 Caller Here's what I'm saying, black bear.

44:43 Adam What I'm saying?

44:44 I'm brown bear. Brown bear. Where's the beef?

44:50 Adam All I'm saying is, is he doesn't want any croutons. He doesn't want any breakfast bars. He doesn't want any bagels or muffins. He's going right for the pot roast.

44:59 Drew Now why, why?

45:00 Adam Because he's a passionate man.

45:02 Drew Why?

45:03 Adam You think, you would think that-

45:04 Drew You have all night. Why not enjoy all things?

45:09 Adam Yeah, I think-

45:10 David Alan Grier I actually think you get your, well-

45:12 Drew What, go ahead.

45:13 David Alan Grier I actually think that how you are raised and the traumas you go through growing up sets your, what I call the autonomic tone. Wait, don't shake me. Listen to what I'm saying.

45:23 Adam Come on, dad.

45:24 David Alan Grier That you either become, listen to me, you either become sympathetically dominated in which you're sort of hyperactive and hypervigilant and things gotta go fast for you. Or you're like Corolla, where the clutch is always in and the parasympathetic system is dominant. And you can be like the ninja, take or leave it, whatever, take your time. I believe that's right.

45:43 Drew Drew, let me tell you something. I thought I knew a lot of things. Until I realized that I didn't know. The vast majority of women in America, a oral sex is last ditch.

46:00 David Alan Grier For?

46:01 Drew It's done under duress.

46:03 David Alan Grier What, that they do it too many? Absolutely.

46:05 Drew It's done because 97% of women think good lovemaking is allowing you to have sex with them. So if you really got with a woman who said, who was expert at this particular technique and determined and got great joy and passion out of it, that's gonna change your mind. And I'm willing to bet.

46:35 David Alan Grier It'll move it up the scale.

46:36 Drew I'm telling you, I'm willing to bet that you probably haven't recently been with that woman.

46:45 David Alan Grier You're talking about. And I've been living with her. Whenever I'm on the road. You know.

46:48 Drew Am I right or wrong? I'm not saying this may not be the best woman for you, but it's a very rare occurrence. I think it's only happened a couple of times in my life in which I've encountered that woman that was this must be done.

47:01 Adam Which Wayne's sister was it?

47:02 Ha ha ha.

47:03 Drew How dare you? How dare you, sir?

47:07 Caller All right, let's take a break.

47:09 Adam Dag here tonight.

47:10 Caller We saving babies.

47:11 Adam Fill with zest and burst. Lot of notions. Lot of retarded notions. We'll take a quick break. Be right back after this.

47:20 David Alan Grier Hello, this is your radio.

47:25 Adam Drew. What are women most attracted to?

47:28 David Alan Grier Confident guys.

47:29 Adam That's right. You can't buy that confidence. At least you couldn't until now.

47:32 David Alan Grier What do we got?

47:33 Adam You got Axe deodorant, body spray.

47:35 David Alan Grier Oh my God.

47:36 Adam Spray that on? It's like slathering on the confidence.

47:59 Drew And I'm David Alan Grier. We're here to save the babies on Loveline, where we take calls from young people who have sexual dysfunctions or just relationship problems. Let's take a look at the calls there.

48:13 Adam Shannon, yeah, Dag explaining his very retarded BJ theory to Dr. Drew and I as we urinated during the break.

48:21 David Alan Grier Why did you pee? You didn't pee.

48:23 Drew Oh, I was trying to make a point.

48:25 David Alan Grier I feel sort of slighted by that.

48:27 Adam What's up, Dag, didn't you have to go wee-wee?

48:29 Drew No, I had to make my point. Let's save some babies, next caller.

48:33 Adam And then we're going to play Ace's or Ranchero Maxx in the Corian Countdown.

48:36 Drew No chewing in the mics.

48:38 Adam Right, thank you. Shannon? 22?

48:42 Drew What's up?

48:44 I'm just wondering if there's maybe something psychologically wrong with me. Yes. Ever since I can remember, I've been having to get completely naked when I go number two.

48:57 Adam No, interesting.

48:58 And I don't understand why.

48:59 David Alan Grier Is there anything else we need to know about you, or your own medication?

49:03 I don't think I'm taking birth control.

49:06 Adam And do you have to take your top and bra off as well?

49:10 I've been doing it since I've been going to the restroom. Right.

49:14 David Alan Grier And do you have relationships normally? Are you able to be stable in relationships?

49:18 Yes, I've been in a relationship for about six years now.

49:21 David Alan Grier Boy or girl? We got relationships going okay.

49:25 Drew Can I get in here? So say you and I are at dinner. You have to go number two. We're in a restaurant.

49:31 David Alan Grier Well, she probably doesn't go in public places.

49:34 Drew So I'm saying that when you go to the restroom, you have to take off all of your clothes, get in the stall before you can do your business.

49:41 Yes.

49:42 David Alan Grier Airport, on the airplane.

49:43 Yes, I feel extremely uncomfortable if I do not do it.

49:46 Adam All right, so you've literally been on an airplane, shoes off, socks off, bra off, everything off.

49:54 Mm-hmm.

49:54 Adam Totally naked. And what about the filthy bathroom floor, by the way, in the airport?

50:01 I try to keep my feet lifted from the ground.

50:04 Drew Well, how do you feel if you...

50:05 Adam Although, wait a second. Hold on. Women's bathroom floor, I imagine, you could eat off of compared to the muck in the men's bathroom. It's waiting through a mire of semen. And bloody fecal matter. I'm okay. Guys at the airport, by the way, I have this theory. I was just at the airport. Guys do world class damage at the airport. And I believe that there's a feeling of, this is not my city. This is not my state. This is not my country. I've saved up a dump, a world class dump, for two years so I can come to LA and just destroy the place.

50:38 Drew How about those that feel like, hey, I feel like some graffiti and I don't have paint?

50:42 Adam Yeah, yeah.

50:45 David Alan Grier You guys do vomit in the bathroom.

50:47 Adam I don't think guys want to duke on the plane. I think it's like I'm flying to Sydney. That's 13 hours, so I'm going to sit at LAX and I'm going to do some world class work. And by the way, it's not coworkers that are at the sink. It's a bunch of Taiwanese businessmen I'll never see again. Sodom and Gomorrah. I'm letting it all fly, letting it all hang out.

51:10 Drew All right, let's focus in, Adam.

51:11 Adam Let's save some babies. Now, wait a minute.

51:13 David Alan Grier It's time for some music.

51:14 Drew Wait a minute, wait a minute. I have to ask a question. Okay, if by chance you are not able to take off all of your clothes, how do you feel inside when you have to do your business, yet you, for some reason, you can't take off all your clothes?

51:32 If I'm in a situation where there's another person that comes into the restroom while I'm in there, I completely stop and I don't move and I don't make any noise.

51:41 Drew But you know what I'm saying, like would you feel dirty, would you feel anxiety? What would you feel emotionally inside?

51:49 David Alan Grier Describe the feeling.

51:52 I kind of cringe at that.

51:54 David Alan Grier Well, it sounds like somebody beat the crap out of her during potty training, basically. I mean, somebody really nailed her in her potty training.

52:01 The only thing I can remember from being potty trained was my brother telling me there was a rabbit down the toilet and he was going to bite my butt off if I sat on it. That's the only thing I can remember. I don't think I've been molested or I haven't been.

52:15 David Alan Grier No, no, no. But I think there was some, you know, kids when they're being potty trained will sometimes throw all their clothes off in order to go to the bathroom and things they just sort of can't differentiate throwing the pants down versus just taking everything off to be able to go to the bathroom. And you, for whatever reason, got stuck in that stage of development that you sort of, it's a behavior that's attached to the trauma that occurred around the potty training. And here's where I agree with Dag on this one. You go ahead and get over that.

52:40 Adam Go ahead.

52:40 David Alan Grier You can go ahead. You can desensitize yourself to that.

52:42 Adam All of you, by the way, with your funkitude, just get over it. And by the way, and let me tell you how healthy I am emotionally. I put stuff on to crap. I actually will put layers on to take a dude.

52:51 Caller And if you can.

52:52 Adam Dead of summer, dog days, middle of August, out of Tucson, middle of August, I'll go ahead and put a beanie and a vest, a down vest on to take a duke. I really like the point where I barely dropped my pants.

53:03 Drew But if there was a bucket in the middle of a crowded room and I had to go bad enough, I'd just have to drop it.

53:08 David Alan Grier You know Adam's history, don't you?

53:09 Caller You know Adam's history.

53:11 Drew I don't want to talk about the incident.

53:13 Caller Stop, stop, stop.

53:14 Drew Let's focus on the caller.

53:15 David Alan Grier It's where he lived that way.

53:16 Drew Let's focus on the caller.

53:18 Caller I don't want to talk about it.

53:20 Drew No one had to live that way. He was acting out.

53:24 Caller I had to do what I had to do.

53:26 Drew No, you didn't. You could have gone to the car and you could have gone to a gas station or something.

53:30 David Alan Grier You could have gone out in the yard. You could have lived in the line.

53:32 Drew Listen, when I was in high school, my body was shut down. It was timed. I went in the morning at home. I went in the evening at home. I had no desire during the day.

53:41 David Alan Grier I do agree with you. There are certain behaviors that you can just go ahead and get over.

53:46 Adam Feel free, everybody.

53:47 Drew I'm sure some parents said, it's dirty. That's dirty.

53:49 David Alan Grier No, I was probably even more than that. They probably really worked her at that stage of her life. Let's take a break.

53:56 Drew We just came back.

53:58 David Alan Grier I want to come back and do some accordion countdown. I'm really missing that.

54:03 Drew There are kids out there that need us, and you take your job of rescuing so lackadaisically.

54:08 David Alan Grier You told me not to be so- I'm glad you're not- So composed about rescuing.

54:11 Caller Yeah, well, I'm glad you're not in Iraq. I'm trying.

54:13 Drew You know, hey, let's get okay to tomorrow. Take a break. Our boys over there aren't listening to you.

54:19 Adam That's right. That's right, Dad.

54:20 Drew Hail to the victor's valiant.

54:22 Adam Hail to the country heroes.

54:25 Drew Hail, hail to Michigan, the leaders of the West. Hail.

54:29 Adam All right. Let's take a quick break and all hail. Dag, my main man in studio tonight.

54:36 David Alan Grier We'll come back with that. You know the Yale songs, don't you?

54:38 Adam Quiet, Drew. Come back. Don't lead them into a fight song trilogy.

54:42 David Alan Grier Seconds where we go out of that.

54:44 Adam No, here's the deal. We're going to we're going to play Ace's Rancherio next in According Countdown and maybe old Germany or Florida.

54:51 Drew I should have covered my mouth. Sorry, Dr. Drew.

54:53 David Alan Grier After this.

54:55 Drew I like a girl with a big butt but fruit in the middle is juicy is sweet because it's fruit and in the middle.

55:02 Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up?

55:24 Caller This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

55:27 Adam Experience the Axe Effect. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. David Alan Grier, otherwise known as Dag, otherwise known as Dagaroni, otherwise known as my main man. In studio tonight.

55:58 Drew Have you been boxing, Adam?

56:00 Adam I haven't seen you over there. Yeah.

56:02 Drew Throwing hands with Mr. T. Yes, right.

56:05 Adam Dag and I go to the same gym.

56:07 Drew Yes, indeed.

56:09 Adam Yeah, and you know, the problem is, is the trainer calls him David, and I never know who that is.

56:14 Drew David, man, I don't know, I'm jammed, sticky jammed. And you know, I want to go to your body. You see, I got you. Oh, he hurt now.

56:27 Adam It calls him David. I don't know if anyone calls him David, or maybe I'm the only one doesn't call him David, but never registers. David is a Jewish producer.

56:35 Drew Absolutely.

56:35 Adam He's not the funny man, Dagaroni. All right, now it's time to play a little Ace's Ranchero Mexican Accordion Countdown. As you know, I love ranchero music, and I love the accordion, and it's really a music that's driven by the accordion, so much so that you rarely go five seconds without hearing it. And you would think that if you just went to the middle of a random ranchero song that you might not hear it for a couple of beats, but oftentimes, oftentimes no. And there's no law that says it must have an accordion in it, although I gotta look into that.

57:09 David Alan Grier It seems to be a lot of nature sometimes.

57:10 Adam Yeah, so Drew does well at this game. I've done pretty good over the last few weeks at it. Dag has not played.

57:17 Drew Let's break it down.

57:18 Adam Here's what we do. We have engineer Chris who has a ranchero song.

57:23 David Alan Grier One of his favorites.

57:24 Adam It is cued up to a random point in a random song. It's not the beginning of the song. It's a song we've never heard before, or maybe we've heard it a million times. You never know with that music. It is so goddamn bad. All right, so when does the accordion music come in?

57:38 David Alan Grier How long, Dag?

57:39 Adam How long, Dag?

57:39 Drew We're going to say a monoseconds?

57:41 Adam Yeah.

57:41 David Alan Grier Or minutes.

57:42 Adam From the time that we fire it up.

57:45 Drew Adam? Mm-hmm? The accordion music is going to start at 7.5 seconds.

57:51 Caller That's my final answer.

57:52 Drew 7.5?

57:53 Adam 7.5 seconds. We don't usually break it down in a tense, but that's fine.

57:57 Drew And I'm dead on.

57:57 Adam Drew, what do you think?

57:58 David Alan Grier Instant.

57:59 Adam What do you think? Go on instant. Instant.

58:01 David Alan Grier Immediate.

58:02 Adam All right. I'm going up, but it's unfair for me just to go eight and go last every time. So I'm going to go crazy. I'm going to go 13 seconds. Now, Drew's got zero. Drew's instant. All right. Now, engineer Chris, don't hit it until I cue you because we got to look at the clock and get us at an even number here. So Drew, when the clock gets to, I want to go right to 11.03.

58:25 Drew You just killed her. Let's play the game. So technically who's closer?

58:37 Adam Well, Drew, keep it rolling. Keep it rolling.

58:41 Caller Wow, this is...

58:45 Adam This has a lot of accordion music even for ranchero music. You drive around LA, you see all the billboards for the crazy... Hey, engineer Chris, Anderson totally turned the music down. I think not our mics down. Maybe that was it. Maybe that was confusion.

59:26 Caller Were you talking about that, Anderson?

59:28 Adam Here's the thing. You drive around LA., they have all the billboards for the Spanish language stations. Guys crazed, look in their eyes, wearing Viking helmets and like chicks with their tops being ripped off with stilettos. Guys, I thought I knew the culture. All right, so Dag, I'm sorry baby doll, you came in second, I came in third because Drew won instant and that was about 2.5.

1:00:06 Drew Well, you know why you won, because this is a form of gambling and he's an addict. Let's take a caller.

1:00:10 Adam All right, you're right. All right, we'll play again later on in the evening and also...

1:00:15 Drew You're very angry, aren't you, Dr. Drew?

1:00:17 Adam Also, we'll play a little Germany or Florida before the night is out. Reid? 17? What's up?

1:00:25 Caller Well, the problem is me and my girlfriend have been together for like three years and we started having sex like a year and a half into it and we always came at the same time, but now I can finish first and say it out before she's done.

1:00:41 David Alan Grier Well, she stopped faking, basically.

1:00:43 Drew Exactly.

1:00:44 Adam Yeah.

1:00:44 Drew You're in for some other surprises, too.

1:00:46 I don't like when you do that.

1:00:49 David Alan Grier It's very rare to have spontaneous.

1:00:52 Adam Let me tell you how easily that's pulled off, Dag. I'm going to be the...

1:00:58 Drew You be the check.

1:00:59 Adam You be the check.

1:01:01 Drew What are you doing?

1:01:03 Adam I'm getting close. I'm getting close. I'm getting close.

1:01:07 Drew I can't even un-show.

1:01:08 Caller I'm getting close.

1:01:11 Adam I have a chamber. Ah!

1:01:21 Caller Did you come?

1:01:22 Adam Did you come? Let's finish off the rest of that six-footer. Six-footer? That's all you have to do.

1:01:33 Drew You don't want to have an orgasm together. That rarely, rarely happens.

1:01:37 Adam No. Hey, Reed.

1:01:39 David Alan Grier He's 17.

1:01:40 Adam Well, look, you synced it up fine.

1:01:42 Caller I gotta say, you guys are the greatest. Even though.

1:01:50 Drew I had a girlfriend that said, you know, it's weird. Like after we make love, our heart, like our breathing is the same, but she never knew I'd be sitting there like one. My kids are on the rebound. Let's go to Chris. He's the judge.

1:02:10 Adam Yeah. Well, let's talk to James, who's twenty three James, James, twenty three.

1:02:22 Caller All right.

1:02:25 Adam Let's talk to Chris. Seventeen Krista. What's happening?

1:02:33 Drew Krista.

1:02:34 Caller I wanted to say that my favorite shows are when Dag is on or when you guys have no guests.

1:02:43 Drew Thank you, Krista.

1:02:44 Adam Dag or nothing. There isn't even a second place. What about David? Yeah, what about Andy Dick? Yeah.

1:03:19 Drew That's for you, honey.

1:03:20 Caller My favorite Dag song is when he's like going, Oh, yeah, give it to me. Oh, yeah, yeah.

1:03:43 Drew What you missed is the beginning is like, well, the beginning is full of it starts like, yeah.

1:03:48 David Alan Grier Hey, hey, hey.

1:03:50 Adam What's the beginning? I was beginning.

1:03:53 Caller Hey, baby, you sleep?

1:03:55 Drew No, I just thought you want to do something.

1:03:57 Caller You tired?

1:03:58 Adam All right.

1:03:59 Drew You mind if I take my my bombs off? Can I get a hug? Can I go? I'm sorry. Well, I'm near. Wait. Wait. Don't wait. No, stop. Don't you look.

1:04:43 Caller So, you missed the beginning part.

1:04:45 Drew It's the foreplay that really makes it up.

1:04:47 Adam Right, it's you waking her up.

1:04:49 David Alan Grier Let's see another piece of comedy, though. Krista thinks that's a song. She has her favorite song.

1:04:54 Drew I love Krista.

1:04:56 David Alan Grier Krista, it's not a song.

1:04:57 Caller All right, okay, I know, but everything...

1:05:00 David Alan Grier Here's a song that gives one, two, three, four, five.

1:05:03 Drew Krista, Krista, Krista, when I think of you, I see ice cream. You know, that's a song.

1:05:13 David Alan Grier I was thinking about one of those cheers.

1:05:14 Drew It's like a little plop here, a little skeet there.

1:05:17 Caller Skeet, skeet, skeet, everywhere. That's how you do your threesome with me.

1:05:25 David Alan Grier You were thinking of Canistac.

1:05:29 Drew S-O-C-K-I-T, soccer to me. Baby, my head's aching, my brow's too tight. I'm here to shake it from left to right. One, two, three, four, five, canistac. Don't take no time.

1:05:37 Caller Six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

1:05:39 Caller I can't do the rest.

1:05:41 Drew Y'all won the game.

1:06:07 Adam Cheers!

1:06:07 David Alan Grier Yes.

1:06:07 Caller So, Christa.

1:06:08 Adam What's your question, baby doll?

1:06:11 Caller I originally had a different question, but I realized I had something more important. So, this is a medical thing. I recently just had my second pap smear. And I got a letter in the mail saying that they want to follow up because it says there's anti something cells. And it says I might have borderline uncertainty about human papillomia.

1:06:45 David Alan Grier Are you sexually active?

1:06:47 Caller Yes.

1:06:48 David Alan Grier Yeah, so you may have contracted the wart virus, which is very, very common. And as a result, you're at some added risk for cervical cancer. So they do extra screening on you.

1:06:57 Adam It's papilloma by the way. Papillonia is one of Prince's backup singers.

1:07:01 Drew Absolutely. She had a wonderful solo career. I'll be at short.

1:07:05 Adam She found Jesus Christ.

1:07:06 David Alan Grier All right.

1:07:07 Adam Hey, Krista.

1:07:08 Caller Uh-huh.

1:07:09 Adam So, so do what the doctor says.

1:07:11 David Alan Grier Get back in there.

1:07:12 Adam You'll probably be fine, but you don't want to ignore it.

1:07:15 David Alan Grier These are very common problems, and it just requires extra screening, really.

1:07:18 Drew But, Krista, if you want to stay a fan of mine, keep knocking boots, honey.

1:07:22 David Alan Grier You know, we live in the eve of a vaccine for the war virus. Really? Yeah, both Pfizer and Merck have products that are in the final phases of research, and we will, within, certainly within five years, the entire, you know, sort of under 30 population of this country is going to be vaccinated against the war virus.

1:07:39 Drew It's funny that Bush never really talked about that in his platform speech.

1:07:43 David Alan Grier Yeah, it's going to happen with or without.

1:07:44 Drew Yeah, but I'm staying for, and I'm going to keep staying for.

1:07:47 Adam Those of you with the war still will still remain, yes?

1:07:50 David Alan Grier We'll remain, but you won't have to transmit them to other people.

1:07:52 Caller Stay in your standing relationship.

1:07:54 Adam Let's, I want to talk to William over here, spin on hold for 66 minutes, wanting to talk to Dag. William?

1:07:59 David Alan Grier Hey, Adam, I just want to say you're one of the hottest guys in the face of the planet.

1:08:05 Adam Thank you. Your virgin, are you, William?

1:08:08 David Alan Grier Yes, I am.

1:08:09 Caller How old are you?

1:08:10 Adam 16. It does not say he's a virgin.

1:08:13 Caller Just hear it.

1:08:13 Adam It's just you can always hear it in that voice.

1:08:16 Drew How does a guy stand? Like the day after William gets tightened up, isn't that voice going to drop like, hey, what's up, Adam? Now this William, and I just want to call and say, what's up?

1:08:27 Adam Now he's...

1:08:28 Drew Everything is lovely now.

1:08:30 Adam Yeah, no, you go from Ernest to James Earl Jones, and like just drop alone. That's right.

1:08:38 David Alan Grier Drop alone.

1:08:39 Caller At least something has happened to me last night.

1:08:41 Adam But meanwhile, on the way to the chick's house, he was like wind up beater, wind up beanie, just sounded like Elmer Flood.

1:08:49 Drew Here it goes, it's about to come off here.

1:08:52 David Alan Grier He goes from Jimmy Neutron to Bill Bob.

1:08:57 Adam That's what happens. William?

1:09:01 David Alan Grier Hey, I just wanted to say, Dag, I wanted to tell you that your personality has broke me from a lot of suicidal tendencies.

1:09:09 Wow. That's heavy, man.

1:09:10 David Alan Grier You know, I just want to...

1:09:11 Adam He's killed many others.

1:09:13 Drew Just let it, man. Come on.

1:09:14 Adam A lot of folks have heard of him and killed him.

1:09:16 Drew I'm hearing you, William. And that is really humbling for me to hear. And if I can be of help to you through my comedy, that is great.

1:09:21 Adam How about you get him laid?

1:09:22 Drew To know. That's going to happen. Trust me. That's the day his trouble starts.

1:09:27 Adam Hey, William, what's going on? You were thinking about suicide?

1:09:32 David Alan Grier Yeah. And then what? Why? Just my family is crazy.

1:09:38 David Alan Grier I think settling down any?

1:09:40 David Alan Grier Well, not really. My grandma just got out of the hospital and stuff like that.

1:09:45 David Alan Grier Are you still thinking about hurting yourself?

1:09:49 David Alan Grier I don't know. I don't know if I'm going to get in trouble for saying anything over the radio.

1:09:53 Drew You got to get some treatment, William, because for one reason only, I need all the fans I can get.

1:09:58 David Alan Grier Yeah.

1:09:58 Drew I want you to get some treatment.

1:10:00 David Alan Grier These are life-threatening problems we're talking about here, like any other life. If you were diabetes or an infection, you'd run to the doctor, yet people don't think about these sorts of problems as being life-threatening, when in fact they are.

1:10:11 Caller Especially when you're that young.

1:10:13 Drew There's still a lot of families that the stigma or self-imposed or otherwise, when you're dealing with any kind of emotional illness, they don't want anything with the brain people freak out about.

1:10:25 Adam I don't get the part with the grandma getting out of the hospital.

1:10:28 David Alan Grier Well, my grandma, she takes a lot of drugs that are prescribed by her doctor, but I think her doctor's crazy because these pills that she's taking are making her really crazy and hitched and she won't know where she is, you know, stuff like that.

1:10:44 Adam Good luck. Most grandmas are nut jobs, don't worry about her. What about the rest of the family?

1:10:51 David Alan Grier My, you know, it's just not only the family but my school schooling life and, you know, I'm always getting trouble in school and stuff like that.

1:10:59 Adam What are you getting in trouble for?

1:11:00 David Alan Grier You know, I've been sent to court a couple of times, petty theft, you know.

1:11:06 Adam Well, can you stop acting out? I mean, here's the thing. Life will be less difficult if you stop making it difficult. I mean, stop acting out. You know, you're having brushes with the law. You're getting in trouble at school because of stuff you're doing. Can you stop that?

1:11:21 Drew But you know what, Adam, when I was 16, man, the concept of making it to 30 years old, that was a millennium away. As a matter of fact, I used to have like this mantra, like I had to do everything I wanted in my life by the time I was 30.

1:11:38 David Alan Grier Because you're a diabele after that.

1:11:40 Drew Exactly. I mean, it just was so far away. And when you're that young, a lot of times you just feel like it has to be now. You can't really think about the long term. And this is you're just going through a difficult period. It's really... Get someone to talk to, man.

1:11:54 Caller It'll make you feel so much better.

1:11:55 David Alan Grier I agree with that. That relationships are really what get people through. If you can find people that care about you, you can be yourself and open with it makes a huge difference.

1:12:04 Drew Peer counseling a lot of times works.

1:12:06 David Alan Grier Or even just a peer, just somebody you really care about.

1:12:09 Drew Didn't I just say that?

1:12:10 David Alan Grier Well, hold on.

1:12:10 Drew Wait, wait a minute. I said peer counseling.

1:12:12 David Alan Grier Okay, peer counseling.

1:12:13 Drew And what Dr. Drew said is, or a peer.

1:12:15 David Alan Grier Yeah, yeah.

1:12:16 Drew No, I mean- So what you did is you picked my therapeutic pocket.

1:12:19 David Alan Grier No, no, you're right. I said yes, that, and even just even not to be with a label, but just to find out.

1:12:23 Drew You know what, William, scoot down, because I'm sitting right next to you. You picked my pocket.

1:12:28 David Alan Grier I'm sorry, William, that I can't continue to hear what you-

1:12:30 Drew No, you said or a peer.

1:12:31 David Alan Grier No, or even, in addition.

1:12:32 Adam All right, William, it's not just about you, Dr. Drew. Please.

1:12:35 Drew God.

1:12:36 Adam Let me say this. It reminded me of this, I'm talking about this about a year or so ago, but I was watching this documentary on people that killed themselves by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.

1:12:47 Drew Well, what did the documentary say? Sounds great. Interesting. Tell us about it.

1:12:50 Caller I will.

1:12:51 Adam Half the, a couple of people survived. A couple of people jumped off the bridge.

1:12:56 David Alan Grier Really?

1:12:57 Caller And survived.

1:12:58 Adam And- This is going to wake Dag up from his slumber, by the way. But, the first thought of everybody when they jumped off the bridge is, I want to live.

1:13:08 David Alan Grier I made a mistake.

1:13:09 Adam I made a mistake. I want to live. And three out of the, oh, 3,000 over the last 80 years who've killed themselves by jumping off the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge, lived.

1:13:19 Drew What happened to them? Because isn't that like akin to hitting cement?

1:13:22 Adam Yeah, it is. For some reason, you know, whatever.

1:13:29 David Alan Grier To your theory about brain chemistry, you wonder if the extreme arousal of falling off a bridge raises the chemicals in your brain, will you start to feel okay for a second? I think, oh my God, what have I done?

1:13:40 Adam Yeah, you get this huge shot of endorphins and adrenaline. But it's got to suck that you jump off the bridge and you get 18 inches away from the bridge and you're airborne and you're thinking, I got to live. I want to live. All right. Well, you got the next 30 stories to think about wanting to live. Yeah. And I do sort of I do sort of have the feeling that that's yeah, that's that's bad on bad. And I do sort of have the feeling that a lot of people that kill themselves, at least the ones who jump off at things have that rush. I'd like to get back on the roof or back on the bridge at some point.

1:14:17 Drew Let me say something to William. I hope you're still listening that I read a lot about suicide and the act of suicide, the damage that it wreaks and the legacy that it leaves on a family, it can affect them for generations. They followed this one family, in particular in this article, the great grandfather had killed himself and it started a chain reaction. Now it's not to say that maybe there wasn't some pre-existing thing there, but that act is an act of violence and...

1:14:50 David Alan Grier Adolescents, sometimes that's kind of their intent, though.

1:14:52 Drew I know, but this was, I mean, this was not an adolescent. And my main point is that it affects all those around you and for generations.

1:15:00 David Alan Grier Not in the ways you want it to be affected.

1:15:02 Adam Uh-uh. My grandmother's brother killed himself when my grandmother was about 30. It seems pretty broken up about it, actually. Well, not so much. It's always like, yeah, Robert killed himself. All right, it must have been tough.

1:15:15 Drew So, Adam, let me spitball with you for a minute here. You find that funny? You think what you just said?

1:15:20 Adam I think it's funny that my grandmother didn't seem too bothered by it, which is really worse than the effect that the thing could have had, the idea that the dude's sister, it's pretty cool.

1:15:31 Drew That's funny to you. See, right now, I'm a red state and you're a blue state.

1:15:34 Adam The guy wasn't in his late 70s and riddled with AIDS and tuberculosis. The guy was like 33 and 5.

1:15:41 Drew So you get joy out of making fun, and it's funny to you that you're making fun of all this. I gotta stop. I was trying to be serious. You were.

1:15:48 Caller And I was trying to go in the wall. I couldn't keep doing it, though. I almost pulled it off, didn't I, Dr. Drew?

1:15:53 Adam Hold on.

1:15:53 Drew Very funny stuff.

1:15:54 Adam It was great stuff. Great stuff. Hector? Oh, I love this shit.

1:16:06 Caller Yeah, Ace, what's up?

1:16:07 Adam What's happening, Hector?

1:16:08 Caller How's it going, man? Hey, Dag, what's up?

1:16:10 Drew Hey, what's up, man?

1:16:12 Caller Nothing. I'm just a big fan of that SNL, Maya Angelou for Fruit Loops.

1:16:18 Adam Oh, I love Maya Angelou.

1:16:22 Caller So, I got some good history information for you guys, I know how much Adam loves the Mexican Ranchero music.

1:16:28 Adam Oh, my favorite.

1:16:30 Caller I just wanted to let you know about the German roots of it. Yeah.

1:16:34 David Alan Grier German roots. Well, that's where the accordion comes from.

1:16:37 Caller Yeah.

1:16:37 Drew Well, we were just asking about the...

1:16:39 Adam There is an Oompa-Pah background, yes.

1:16:41 Caller Yeah, the Oompa-Pah background, exactly. Well, it turns out, I guess, in the late 1880s, a lot of German immigrants were going to Mexico to participate in the Oompa-Pah. Right, and they had these beer camps going on, and the workers, the German immigrants, they got Indians and Mexicans working with them, and they started playing that Oompa music, and they'd get drunk and make beer, and they'd play that music, and it caught on.

1:17:10 Adam Interesting. And, by the way, worse than when they brought the Nutria to Louisiana, it escaped, they took over, they now destroy crops.

1:17:24 Drew I thought you were talking about the protein drink.

1:17:26 Caller I was like, well, that kills too, the rats, the huge rats.

1:17:30 Adam My point is, the Germans should then, there should be a class action lawsuit against Germany.

1:17:34 David Alan Grier Another thing for you to take out against the Germans, Adam.

1:17:36 Adam Yeah, listen.

1:17:38 Caller Why do you hate us, Adam, why?

1:17:40 Adam We thought the Holocaust was bad. We've got a real situation here now.

1:17:44 Caller Thank you.

1:17:45 Adam We've got a real situation in Mexico. I live in Southern California. I'm inundated with this horrible music. I'm not saying that the Holocaust was one of your better moves, but this may have had a bigger impact in my life.

1:17:56 Drew Yeah, will you wait till these African rats get out? These things are as big as dogs, the ones that- Worth African rats. Well, the African rat that boned the prairie dog that bit the little white chick that brought us the monkeypox. These things are as big as Rottweilers.

1:18:10 Adam Let me ask you, Dag. I don't want to attack your people, but why does all the bad stuff come out of Africa?

1:18:14 Drew It doesn't.

1:18:15 Caller It doesn't come out of Africa.

1:18:17 Drew It comes out of Africa because Africa has been raped, looted and pillaged by Bobo the White Man for five, six, seven, eight hundred million years.

1:18:25 Adam I see. But here's what I'm saying. How come we don't export any killer roaches or bees or rats or anything like that? We do?

1:18:31 Drew Of course. I'm glad you brought this up. While I have been here, the worst holocausts on earth have been white men have been responsible for. Where the two black guys named Leroy and Lonnie that exterminated the Jews? Where there's like a bunch of black women with slingshots that exterminate the Native Americans? No.

1:18:54 Caller You know, we bring the plague?

1:18:55 Drew No.

1:18:56 Adam White man's evil. I agree with you.

1:18:58 Drew I'm not saying the white man's evil, but don't blame it on black people. No, all we did is bring the blues, the roots of rock and roll, Michael Jackson, well, the original Michael Jackson. Right. And Wayne Brady.

1:19:08 Adam No, he turned white and he went nuts on it. No, listen, I'm with you, my brother. I'm just saying when the insects, when the vermin, when they come over. The killer bees, they're tough.

1:19:20 Caller They're angry. They're angry.

1:19:21 Adam We have a docile version of almost everything. Our rats, our bees, our insects, our nothing. And then stuff comes over from South America, especially. And Africa. And they're killers. They kick ass.

1:19:33 Drew Well, because you've killed everything. They got to go somewhere.

1:19:36 Adam You know, we got our version of that is Florida.

1:19:38 Drew Yeah, but who built the ships that brought them over here?

1:19:41 Caller They didn't just buzz over on their own.

1:19:43 Adam People do this, though.

1:19:44 Drew There was some white dude who said, I bet if I could get honey from an African bee, it would be spicier.

1:19:50 Adam I'm going to include South America and Central America in this mix.

1:19:53 Caller Well, they're almost black anyway.

1:19:55 Adam They go, oh, you think you've seen a roach? No, you haven't.

1:19:58 Caller You think?

1:19:59 Adam No, you haven't. You got to go to Columbia.

1:20:01 Caller You have not seen.

1:20:02 Adam Oh, you think you've seen a rat? You have not. Yeah, there's just stuff there that just, it's everything's super size.

1:20:08 Drew Wait a minute. I heard the rats in Paris are supposed to be really huge.

1:20:11 Adam Oh, really?

1:20:12 Drew And they're very rude. That's my time. Listen, you guys enjoy Adam Carolla.

1:20:16 Caller I'm up out of here, man.

1:20:18 Drew My name's Davey G and I've been your emcee for the last seven and a half minutes. Peace.

1:20:23 Caller Peace out. Give my music, man. Peace out.

1:20:25 Drew Come on, get that Van Halen.

1:20:27 Caller Take a break. I want to go out. Thank you, Dingleberries.

1:20:30 Drew I'll be here through Sunday, seven shows nightly. Love you guys.

1:20:34 Adam We'll be right back after this.

1:20:42 Caller Hey everyone.

1:20:43 David Alan Grier Love Line.

1:20:52 Adam That's Dr. Drew. And I'm David G.

1:20:57 Drew And I'm David.

1:21:04 David Alan Grier And I'm David G.

1:21:06 Adam And I'm David.

1:21:25 David Alan Grier Not gonna be a jaman.

1:21:26 Caller You know what it is?

1:21:27 David Alan Grier This gets committed.

1:21:28 Drew How much do we... When Adam and I hang out, well, when we used to hang out, before, well, what I call the demon seed, the wife, you know, they always cleft the male friends.

1:21:40 David Alan Grier Wait till it's a baby.

1:21:41 Drew Oh boy, little Adam. He's gonna get all soft, and he's gonna be crying like with that Christmas card where they're all piled around the pool.

1:21:50 Caller Here's wishing you a happy Kwanzaa.

1:21:55 Drew Please cry on this card and pass it on.

1:22:00 Caller His wife is really cool, actually.

1:22:02 Adam Dag, we're hanging out anytime you want.

1:22:04 Drew Yeah, but we don't talk about show business, unlike Huck's, I'm sorry, Dr. Drew here.

1:22:09 Adam Right, right.

1:22:09 Drew You know, who, every opportunity, can I bring some cameras and maybe shoot some stuff for this? I'm doing a new show or something.

1:22:17 Adam No, Dag and I talk about boxing and home improvement and crazy broads, he's nailed.

1:22:22 Drew There you go. And he shows me the tiles that he's got I believe. And some recently arrived people.

1:22:26 David Alan Grier Dag and I talk about the crazy broads he's nailed.

1:22:28 Adam Oh, really?

1:22:29 Drew That's not me anymore. I'm totally, I'm cool, man.

1:22:33 Adam So Dag, what's going on with the sketch or sketch comedy show on Fox?

1:22:37 Drew We have to start, we're staffing up, we're going to be over at the Kimmel building, as I call it, the Kimmel lot. And those are where our production offices will be.

1:22:47 Adam They will be? Right in there?

1:22:49 Drew Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to be there. They're already there. I'll see you starting tomorrow.

1:22:52 Adam What floor are you on?

1:22:54 Drew I don't know yet, because I got my keys over the weekend and I haven't been there yet, but I'll be there tomorrow. Yeah, so I'll definitely come and say I am.

1:23:01 Adam All right, and it's going to be when? Do you have a night?

1:23:05 Drew I don't know yet. We have to do a pilot. The pilot has to be picked up. So right now they picked up the pilot, so we're shooting a pilot and we're just reveling in that right now. I think I just.

1:23:16 Drew You know what, Dr. Drew? This is indicative of.

1:23:19 David Alan Grier Here's how it works. Here's how it works.

1:23:23 Drew Here's how it works.

1:23:24 David Alan Grier Yeah, yeah.

1:23:25 Drew I talk and you listen. That's how friends do. Now, I'm going to do you. Adam, I'm going to be Dr. Drew and you be a patient. Hey, so what's going on?

1:23:33 Adam Well, I'm.

1:23:35 Drew You know, my house is like dipped to the side.

1:23:37 Adam They said it was irregular. And I'm worried.

1:23:40 Drew I'm going to put you on Thorazine.

1:23:40 Adam And they said irregular cells.

1:23:43 Drew I got a book.

1:23:43 Adam I got a goal. Pre cancer. I don't hold that thought.

1:23:46 I will be right back.

1:23:47 Caller Or a pre cancer. I can't hear you.

1:23:49 Hello, honey.

1:23:50 Drew I just broke my glass.

1:23:51 Adam I also.

1:23:52 Drew I'm sorry. Your time's up. I got to go over to Loveline.

1:23:54 Adam Yep. That's what it is. That's what it is.

1:23:56 Drew Give and take. Quick pro quo. Love tonight, Dr. Jag.

1:24:00 Adam This is from the one who's listening. Over here. Wow. Are you like a player coach on it? You're going to star in it and write, produce, whatever.

1:24:11 Drew I've already written a pilot.

1:24:12 Adam You'll have the ensemble cast.

1:24:14 Drew Yes, the ensemble cast.

1:24:15 Adam Are you drawing from like the groundlings? Are you going and looking around?

1:24:19 Drew We just started out. We got to hire a casting director and you know, we want some fresh people. We don't want people that have been like gang banged by the world of comedy, you know. Right. Were you coming in with the scars like, I was on Mad TV but they hit me there. I was going to do SNL but I got a cut or something and it hurt. Yeah. Then I had a holding deal and I don't know.

1:24:43 Adam So you're going to go out scouting.

1:24:45 Drew Oh, we're going to go to the bus station.

1:24:46 Adam I hate to.

1:24:47 Drew Go to the bus station.

1:24:48 Adam I don't want to throw my hand in the ring but engineer Chris over here. Vibrant. He, I'll tell you, he'll do the thing to finish the machine. It's one of the improv things he does. His not only that, his who, what and where, he always brings something to the party.

1:25:07 Drew Oh that's great.

1:25:08 Adam By the way, and really does more characters than Will Ferrell.

1:25:12 Drew Now is he the guy at the bus station that has the headphones on? He's not with the iPod, it's the old school, you know, like the CD player, just going uh uh.

1:25:21 Adam Big antenna coming out.

1:25:22 Drew Yeah, I'm not connected to the world.

1:25:25 Adam That's right.

1:25:25 Drew To the music.

1:25:26 Adam And I'm rocking. And I don't mind you see me rock.

1:25:28 Drew I like, keep going bus that's going to Griffith Park cause I'm rocking. To the music. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going to sit down and talk to the homeless man in my music.

1:25:37 Adam It's a weird message. Like it's one thing to enjoy your music while you're out in society. It's another thing to really rock hard to it in front of society. And I feel the same way with the guys with the huge bass blowing in the SUV when they pull up to the signal. The point where I'm having difficulty having my conversation, yeah, and I got the cell phone and I'm like, yeah, I'm going to be running a little bit late, so I'm not, okay. Let me roll the window up. Yeah, it's like there's a guy in Escalade who's actually got a 42-inch TV installed in the wind. The front windshield is a 42-inch, and it's like, oh, my teeth hurt.

1:26:23 Caller My teeth hurt.

1:26:25 Adam Feelings are coming loose or falling out like a stalactites in a cave during it when the volcano is erupting in the bad movie. And it doesn't bother you that the rest of the world has to hear your goddamn music?

1:26:36 Drew That's their statement. I knew a guy who had like this little Ford Escort, must have been like a thousand, two thousand watt stereo system in there. I was like, you don't really hear music. It just vibrates.

1:26:47 Caller Right. Yeah.

1:26:49 Adam You hear music the way deaf people hear music. You feel the bones.

1:26:55 Caller Right.

1:26:55 Adam Right. It's like when the deaf football team plays the other one, the snap count is a bass drum. Boom! That's how the deaf football team knows how to go. Right.

1:27:06 Drew Let's save some babies. Let's save some babies. Dr. Drew, can I offer some healing to you? You know, yeah, I hit you hard, but you know what? Because I love you.

1:27:15 Adam Next caller. True.

1:27:16 Drew Next caller.

1:27:16 Adam Let me say something very quickly, Dag. I just want to say something. I would like the guys, and I know I sound like my dad here, play your music loud, enjoy your music. Just don't foist it on society. I want the guys with the super bass SUVs, my vision is blurred because your crappy music. I want those guys and the guys who take the Harley-Davidson knuckleheads, have them board out to 1800cc's, take the baffles out of the exhaust, and then come home. They're driving home drunk about four in the morning, and they're just gassing it right down the alley. Everybody in the goddamn apartment building to the left and the right can hear these, and people up the hill and down in the valley can hear. I want these two just to get together on their own crappy island and drive each other insane.

1:28:00 Drew Hey, men of Planet Earth, can we all get together and promise no more A Chopper is Born shows, okay? We've seen enough. Portly guys that live in New Jersey in a garage building the ugliest motorcycle you've ever seen. Always under the guise of a tribute. This is a tribute to tractor owners.

1:28:21 Adam There's a lot of people left behind in Vietnam. And the airbrushed Inca goddess I'm doing on this tank is a tribute.

1:28:30 Drew That's why the tank is shaped like an ear, because that's what they did to our brothers. No, I don't want to see it anymore.

1:28:36 Adam Right. We're arguing with your dad with the handlebar mustache and you're sending it out to a guy nobody does airbrushing like this guy.

1:28:43 Drew Why couldn't they be on the plane with Lynyrd Skynyrd?

1:28:44 Adam Why?

1:28:45 Drew Is that too much to ask?

1:28:46 Adam It would have been nice.

1:28:47 Drew Next call.

1:28:48 Adam David? No, you're David. Caller David, you're 18.

1:28:53 Caller Yeah, I just met the stripper yesterday and I'm really, really into her and I just wanted to know if it's possible, you know, if I could take her home or if it's possible even to have a relationship with her.

1:29:04 Adam Yeah, tell her yes. How old are you? Tell her, girl, write a note if you need it.

1:29:07 Caller Wait a minute, hold on.

1:29:09 David Alan Grier 18.

1:29:09 Drew 18. Yeah, Dator.

1:29:10 Caller Dator.

1:29:11 David Alan Grier What?

1:29:11 Drew Dator. He's 18. Get it out now.

1:29:13 Adam You're too squirrely. You're not going to be able to pull her off.

1:29:15 David Alan Grier But how's he going to pull it off?

1:29:16 Adam She's just going to suck money out of the guy. Buy some half money.

1:29:20 Drew Tell me what went down. Were you a customer? Did you talk to her on the job or what?

1:29:25 Caller Yeah, I was getting a lap dance. I mean, we were talking before.

1:29:29 Drew Like, what was the conversation?

1:29:32 Adam I'll do a reenactment of the pre-lap dance. Honey, you want a lap dance?

1:29:37 David Alan Grier How much is it?

1:29:38 Adam $20?

1:29:40 Caller That was the conversation.

1:29:42 David Alan Grier Cool.

1:29:43 Adam I was in a strip club with Dag in Vegas.

1:29:46 Caller The stripper said she'd been stabbed 17 times.

1:29:50 Drew I swear to you, she had two 13-year-old girls. Everybody else is in heaven. She was not only that, she was in penthouse in 1979. And I was like, only me. Why does this happen to me?

1:30:10 Adam They come over, they sidle up to you, and it's hard to get rid of them.

1:30:15 Drew That one night was not a good night. I have really great love for her people.

1:30:20 Adam She would take a shot of Jaeger and it would come out about three holes in her abdomen.

1:30:25 Drew Her boobies felt like elbows.

1:30:30 Drew Of course, I had to. She made me.

1:30:32 David Alan Grier I don't think the bouncers jump on you if you touch the stripper.

1:30:35 Adam Not Dag, he's big time. And by the way, she was a disaster.

1:30:39 Drew Yeah, they took me in the back room. Here's what she said, she goes, you know what, can I tell you something? What women really want guys to do? We just want you to just hit it hard. Don't talk to me. Right?

1:30:56 Adam Stab 17 times.

1:30:57 Drew Yeah, with your member. With your member. That's what women want. I was like, really?

1:31:02 Caller Stab 17 times.

1:31:02 Drew My voice could never have been smaller. I was like, really?

1:31:05 Adam There should die. You know, you know, be a good thing.

1:31:08 Caller You heard something hit the ground and.

1:31:12 Adam Let me say this, you know, you know, in restaurants, quiet down, you know, in restaurants, they put those signs up by the sink that say employees, please wash your hands.

1:31:25 David Alan Grier It's strip clubs.

1:31:27 Adam It's strip. And in strip clubs, they should be. Please don't talk about your goddamn kids like laminated in the dressing room. I don't want to hear. No, no talk of period, no talk of children, no talk of a brutal ex-boyfriend, no talk of parents, no talk of the outside world.

1:31:43 David Alan Grier They should just be signed with the.

1:31:44 Drew Well, no, I asked someone, I asked a stripper in Miami, I said, you have kids? It was like, they were all naked.

1:31:51 Caller Yeah.

1:31:52 Drew Button naked. All they had on is like clear plastic shoes and they all whipped out pictures.

1:31:56 Caller Oh yeah.

1:31:57 Adam And here's the problem.

1:31:58 Drew I don't know.

1:31:59 Adam They're like, it's your fault for talking because you do that stupid small talk where you're like, and so what goes to work here at night? What goes on there? Full time, mom. So I was like, I should never, you shouldn't open your mouth because they will talk about the kids. But what I like my placard. I like my placard that just says no talk of the outside world when you go out there. It is a fantasy. You're a virgin. This is your first night at work. You've never had a boyfriend. Don't talk about the uncle that sexually molested you. Don't talk about the six kids at home. Don't talk about the abusive ex-biker husband who's now working here as a DJ and he's really jealous. Don't hear the stabbings. Don't want to hear about mosquito bites. This is the first night and please help me.

1:32:45 Drew Well, here's what I used to do. Here's my move is like, look, what's your hourly rate? Like what, $150? Here, here, here's your $150. Keep your clothes on. All right, I'm not interested. Now let's just talk. Really? I don't need to see, you don't have to rub all over me. I think you're really great and wonderful. I'm here with friends and they're all getting their lap dances. So what's up?

1:33:06 David Alan Grier That worked.

1:33:08 Adam David.

1:33:09 David Alan Grier Yeah.

1:33:10 Drew Yeah, all right.

1:33:10 Adam So what was the conversation you had with her before she gave you the lap dance?

1:33:16 Caller Just where I live at and am I going to school?

1:33:20 Adam Mm-hmm.

1:33:22 Caller And that was about it.

1:33:23 Drew Did you kiss her?

1:33:25 Caller No, I wanted to.

1:33:27 Adam Oh, you wanted, okay. Well, if you wanted to, it's done.

1:33:30 Drew Did you get her telephone number?

1:33:32 Caller No, I had to leave right after, because I was dragging my friend over there.

1:33:37 Drew All right, do you guys want to tell them or can I tell them?

1:33:39 Caller Well, this is not going to happen.

1:33:41 David Alan Grier Adam has a technique, though.

1:33:43 Drew Wait a minute. Well, you got to tell them, Adam, if she tells you her real name, if she likes you, the first thing out of a stripper's name is, my name's not Lexus, it's Denise. Then she goes, look, this is my number. Don't show the bumble. Don't show Bruno's looking, Bruno's looking. Then, now, but if she gives you the number to the club, it's not happening.

1:34:02 Adam Here's the number.

1:34:03 Caller If she gives you the other number.

1:34:04 Adam When she gives you the real name, that's a good thing. But here's the ultimate for, here's if the stripper is in here or not. You just say to her, doesn't matter what time you're in there, what time of night it is, you just go, when you get off work.

1:34:15 Drew There you go.

1:34:15 Adam And they go, now here's when they love you. I can leave anytime.

1:34:19 Drew That is it.

1:34:20 Adam If you hear I can leave. Anytime, that's it, that's done. Now, if you hear, well, I don't get off till four and my boyfriend picks me up about, forget it. If you say to them, and I don't care if it's 10.30 or 4:30 a.m., it doesn't matter. You go, when's you shift in? When you get off, they go, I can leave anytime. Okay, that means they're saying, let's go. Let's rock.

1:34:41 Drew And it's really odd when they say, look, you guys break out, pull down the end of the block. I'll be on in 10 minutes. And you know what comes around the corner, Adam? Now, an Oldsmobile with the window busted out and a whole lot of plastic, a baby seat, and a tire going with one of those spare 80 ditty tires going, dag.

1:35:05 Adam Actually, three of those and one full size tie.

1:35:09 Caller Yeah, I'm going, where you guys wanna go?

1:35:11 David Alan Grier I have to tell you guys are freaking me out. I am totally flabby.

1:35:21 Adam David, here's the thing.

1:35:23 Caller Here's the thing.

1:35:24 David Alan Grier You guys are sick.

1:35:25 Adam Here's your only shot of picking her up. Your only shot of picking her up is going to the club quite a bit and sitting back, not trying too hard, just letting her see you be there and be sane. There's a lot of a-holes who go to these clubs and the guys who go there and who they get familiar with who aren't a-holes are talked about behind. I dated a stripper once and she said, oh definitely, when you're out on stage and there's like a guy sitting there, his tongue isn't hanging out, he's not drooling, he doesn't have a boner and he looks sort of normal, it peaks their interest. They'll actually go back and go, you see the guy in the jeans in the third row?

1:36:01 Drew And don't buy a lap dance. You can never, you shouldn't have had one in the first place but if you go back in and just drop in and say, hey, I just dropped by to get a beer, do not buy any more lap dances.

1:36:11 Adam On the other hand, being 18 is not, you just can't cut, you've got nothing for a stripper at 18, you just don't. All right, let's take a break. Dag, my main man at Studio Night, we'll be right back after this.

1:36:27 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:36:28 Adam Hey buddy, it's Adam.

1:36:29 David Alan Grier And I'm Dr. Drew.

1:36:30 Adam Here to talk about Axe Deodorant Body Spray.

1:36:33 David Alan Grier Yes, sir.

1:36:33 Adam You spray that on, you give stink the axe. That's Dr. Drew, Dag, otherwise known as my main man, in studio tonight. Drew, stop the beat box. Let's move forward with the show. Could we do that, please?

1:36:57 David Alan Grier Sorry, sorry.

1:36:58 Drew Come on, let's take some calls.

1:37:01 Adam Let's take some calls.

1:37:05 Drew Whoever smelt it dealt it.

1:37:08 Adam Yeah.

1:37:09 David Alan Grier You're on beat box, huh?

1:37:11 Adam Jackie?

1:37:11 Drew Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah?

1:37:13 Adam By the way, could there be any more flawed saying than whoever smelt it dealt it? Like, how many thousand times have I been standing next to Jimmy or Cousin Sal just to be standing there and then all of a sudden, oh, Christ, oh my God, what is that? Oh, Sal, did you, yeah, I must have done it. Well, wait a minute, I'm the guy who's vomiting in the elevator, I must have done it.

1:37:33 Drew But Adam, I had very good friends of mine. Good looking hot chick and her boyfriend. Dear friends, in my car, just going at it like a dueling contest.

1:37:44 David Alan Grier The two of them?

1:37:45 Adam Hot chick blowing gas?

1:37:46 Drew Oh, yeah, back and forth.

1:37:48 David Alan Grier That's cool.

1:37:49 Drew The foulest after skiing is like, dude, I would never wanna go down there anywhere near that cooter after that smell.

1:37:57 Adam Let me say this, Dag, and I don't wanna, again, I don't wanna divide things along racial lines again. And I know what she takes is a bad thing, it's a good thing. I have not smelt the brother's gas. And I theorize, or Asians, by the way, I theorize that the white man has worse gas culturally. No?

1:38:17 David Alan Grier Well, Hispanics have a good production.

1:38:21 Adam They do, they do. But I'm talking Asian and I'm talking black.

1:38:25 Drew Yeah, but I'm saying, if you're with your chick, I mean, we're all human beings, but would you sit in a closed quarters like, come on, baby, double down, here we go, blackout!

1:38:33 Caller Come on, hit me back.

1:38:35 David Alan Grier You should hear his wife complain about what he does under the sheets.

1:38:38 Drew Right, but is she meeting him?

1:38:39 Caller If she could, are you kidding? No, no, you don't want that, no, you don't want that.

1:38:45 Adam No, but all I'm saying, all I'm saying is, again, it's not my way to break things along racial lines. I think the white man may have an edge in the gas department. You know, I'm just saying.

1:38:57 Drew Let's save some babies.

1:39:00 Caller You don't think that's a valid point?

1:39:02 David Alan Grier I'm just saying, is equivalent to, yeah, but still.

1:39:04 Caller Yeah, but still, I'm just saying.

1:39:06 Adam It's what you say before, yeah, but still. Jackie, I'm just saying, well, no, you have it still. Jackie, what's up? You're 21?

1:39:14 Caller That's right, I am.

1:39:16 Adam What's happening, baby?

1:39:17 Here's my question, and please take this very, very seriously.

1:39:21 Adam All right.

1:39:22 Are men able to produce milk if they want to badly enough?

1:39:27 David Alan Grier No, if they do produce milk, it's either- It's an infection. Well, it's an infection or it's a thyroid problem or a prolactin-secreting tumor or medication.

1:39:36 Drew You mean from their breath?

1:39:39 David Alan Grier It can happen, but it's pathological. I mean, they have breast tissue and they have breasts, but they will not under any normal circumstance produce milk. So if they do produce milk, you gotta look into it.

1:39:50 Drew Why was the question-

1:39:51 All right, so if they are producing milk, is it caused by a change in hormonal balance inside them? Therefore, it's something that the brain could recreate.

1:39:58 David Alan Grier Let me repeat myself. Low thyroid, prolactin-secreting tumor or medication.

1:40:06 Drew And I know what's going on here. What women's studies program are you involved in?

1:40:09 David Alan Grier Is he on medication?

1:40:12 No, this is a purely hypothetical question based on a floorwork I got in my inbox about a week ago.

1:40:18 David Alan Grier Showing your guy producing milk?

1:40:19 Yeah. Just to see if he could. Like he had this sort of new age theory that if he wanted to, bad enough, he could make it happen.

1:40:26 Adam Speaking of inbox, when's the last time you were with a man?

1:40:34 It's been at least a few weeks.

1:40:36 Adam You got a boyfriend?

1:40:37 David Alan Grier There are.

1:40:38 Drew You can hear it in a voice.

1:40:40 David Alan Grier There are, if you irritate a nipple, if a woman irritates her nipple enough, it will stimulate some oxytocin release and potentially could produce milk. I've never heard of that happening with men, but I guess it's possible.

1:40:50 Adam Well, do you need milk glands or drugs or whatever?

1:40:53 David Alan Grier We have them.

1:40:54 Drew God never makes a mistake, Adam. And now Dr. Drew, didn't you say that there's a small, very, very, very, I said Dr. Drew. I said, yeah, isn't there, you said there's a small vagina that all men are born with right above the rectal opening. Isn't that what you told me once? It's very microscopic. But if we need it, it's there. Didn't you say that?

1:41:15 Adam No.

1:41:16 Drew You never said that?

1:41:16 David Alan Grier No, how dare you?

1:41:17 Adam No.

1:41:18 Drew Now, you also said that we were all born with six toes on one foot. It's just a little nub you call it a spud.

1:41:23 David Alan Grier We are all born with a, we start with a vagina that turns into a penis.

1:41:26 Adam Right. Really. I'm about halfway there. All right, we need to take a little break.

1:41:31 Drew And you said all women have three breasts. Didn't you tell me that?

1:41:33 David Alan Grier In an E-nail.

1:41:33 Adam Maybe a dag is a, I guess an E-nail.

1:41:36 David Alan Grier I might have said that.

1:41:37 Adam We'll take a quick break.

1:41:37 Drew What is up with the breaks? We just got back.

1:41:39 Adam I know, we go too late.

1:41:40 Drew Next caller.

1:41:41 Adam We'll be right back.

1:41:42 Drew Cindy, you're 12. Go ahead.

1:41:44 Adam After this.

1:41:46 David Alan Grier All right, guys, here's the deal.

1:41:48 Caller You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

1:41:51 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:41:52 David Alan Grier Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE. Call the Dateline.

1:41:57 Caller 1-800-CALL-LA-BLINE, LOVE 191.

1:42:04 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. Drew trying to finish his point from two and a half hours ago with Dag, the main man. No, we're out of time, Dag.

1:42:16 Drew No, let's take another call. We can do disease theory.

1:42:20 Adam You know what?

1:42:21 Drew You know what? My cells are morphing right now.

1:42:23 David Alan Grier The chemicals that were coming up with it are directed at this cat's leg in the back.

1:42:28 Drew So what's the disease? Tell me a disease.

1:42:29 Adam Oh, new thing. Yeah.

1:42:31 David Alan Grier What?

1:42:32 Adam All right. Oh, Elizabeth's from The Apprentice. I love The Apprentice, by the way. Yeah, we learned that from Arrested Development in here. Great guy. I was in here a couple months back when Arrested Development didn't have all those Emmys. Come in later this week. I want to thank David Alan Grier, dear, dear friend, for coming in. And until next time, this is Adam Crowell for Dr. Drew, saying, save the babies!

1:42:51 Drew Hey, what'd you guys go as for Halloween?

1:42:53 Adam All right, we got to, we got, Drew Winn is a black man. We got to take a break.

1:43:21 Caller The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station.

1:43:29 Adam The producer for Loveline is Aningold.

1:43:32 Caller Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, November 7, 2004