Episode 1000645664326

0:58 Voiceover For an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

1:05 Voiceover Sexually-oriented content.

1:08 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:10 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised.

1:14 Voiceover This is Loveline.

1:18 Voiceover With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm on the phone, number 1-800-LOVE-191, Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Addiction Medicine Specialist. Nikki Ziering is here tonight. Nikki, dear friend of the show, good to see you.

1:35 Nikki Ziering Good to see you.

1:37 Adam Dr. Drew's buddy, Dr. Perv, who only comes in when hot chicks make it to studio, announced that you were his favorite guest. Yes, he's the distinguished Asian gentleman sitting there. Well, there's really only one in the room. He's that guy. Yeah, favorite guest. And believe me, he comes out anything with like a nipple and part of a vagina and he comes out to the studio and he's seen everybody and he announced that you are his favorite guest.

2:07 Nikki Ziering How sweet. Thank you.

2:09 Adam But the bar's been raised. You have to live up to that. He said you were very sweet. Is he right?

2:16 Nikki Ziering I'm sweet? Yes. Guilty as charged.

2:18 Adam Yeah. All right. Well, good to see you, by the way.

2:21 Drew Is it true it was a year and a half ago last time we saw you? Was it the other studio even?

2:24 Nikki Ziering It was the other studio, yes. And it was, I think, right when I did Playboy, which was like July.

2:29 Adam And this is pre-I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. Right?

2:35 Nikki Ziering Was that before? Oh, was that before that?

2:38 Adam Oh, don't give the... By the way, you gave that pause like I wasn't in that idiot. You know you get that pause?

2:45 Nikki Ziering No, I was in that, but I thought I didn't know that that was before I had done that.

2:48 Adam I figured you were in it. It was just the pause.

2:50 Drew The pause was, I'm going to kill my publicist for not erasing that from my past.

2:54 Adam It's never that worse. I thought it was Adam wasn't in there doing that.

2:57 Nikki Ziering Did you watch that show?

2:58 Adam Yes, I did watch that. And I enjoyed it.

3:00 Nikki Ziering Did you see me in the crocodile pit?

3:02 Adam Yes. I'll tell you, some of the challenges that went on in that show were terrifying. They really were. There was a handful of spiders and snakes. Going to the Lucite piece of Samsonite and cover yourself in scorpions kind of thing, it would freak me out. You jumped into the swamp with the alligators in it, but were there really alligators in there or was there something going on?

3:35 Nikki Ziering There were two big ones already in there. The big ones, they may have had their mouths tied shut, but then there were three other ones that they were holding and they released them when the clock started, because I had two minutes. They were smaller, they didn't have their mouths shut.

3:54 Adam Let me tell you, I've been thinking about alligators in general and I'm just thinking they must be confused as hell. They've got about 50 million years of everyone running the other direction, like here's what I do, as an alligator, I'll pop my snout up above the water line and watch the gazelles just scatter. All of a sudden now, every yahoo in a pair of khaki shorts is jumping in and wrestling me. They must be going insane. What the F is going on? 50 million years of scaring the bejesus out of natives and anything that came near the water. Yeah, what's the way I'll do that thing where I flap my tail real hard and freak everyone out? Now I've got these jackasses jumping on me, wrestling me, putting these zip ties around my mouth and yanking me into the back of a truck. What the hell is going on? They've got to be confused. They're walking around like the heavyweight champ for 50 million years and now it's like they have little kids coming up to them kicking them in the shin going, you want some? It's got to be freaky for them. They've got hot models jumping into their playpen.

4:58 Nikki Ziering I wasn't exactly jumping in. I was kind of...

5:00 Adam You were forced in.

5:01 Nikki Ziering But I was, yeah. The point is I did not want to go in there.

5:04 Adam But the gators got to be like, what is this? What is this hot chick jumping in? Shouldn't she be... Maybe...

5:13 Nikki Ziering You know what's sweet about alligators? Nothing. If they find babies, other alligators' babies, or eggs, they'll take care of them just like their own.

5:23 Adam Right. Try to put on a little weight and then they'll eat them.

5:26 Nikki Ziering No.

5:27 Adam Yeah. They're sweet. You know what's sweet about alligators? Nothing. They bring you down to the bottom of the swamp, they roll you and then they stuff you into their lair and then they just turn you into jerky. Horrible. They roll you.

5:41 Nikki Ziering Yeah. You know what's the worst thing too is I didn't know that they were going to go all the way under. I thought I was going to always be able to see the tops of their heads and count them and know where they were. And they all went under.

5:51 Adam No. That whole part where you're walking around and you don't know what's swimming around between your legs is gotta be a disaster.

5:59 Nikki Ziering And getting buried alive was no picnic either. No.

6:03 Adam I'm glad you're out of that show. By the way. And we're moving on to bigger and better things. A few things I gotta talk about. First we got National Lampoon's Gold Diggers which is coming out this Friday. Which is, well, we should just talk about that now. Then I'm getting into you being a Makeda spokesmodel.

6:21 Nikki Ziering Oh my goodness. That was quite some time ago.

6:23 Adam Yeah. But I bet you still remember all those fabulous tools. Yes?

6:28 Nikki Ziering Yeah.

6:31 Drew Just get a reaction to a couple.

6:32 Adam Alright. We'll talk. Bayonet saw. No? Yeah?

6:40 Nikki Ziering Doesn't really ring a bell.

6:41 Adam Circular saw? What about the circular saw?

6:44 Nikki Ziering My mother would know all of these.

6:45 Adam Would she?

6:46 Nikki Ziering Yeah.

6:47 Adam No, I've just never really been into But how did you get to become the spokesmodel without having an encyclopedic knowledge of tools? I didn't expect an answer.

7:00 Nikki Ziering I was just I looked good holding the screwdriver.

7:02 Adam That's what it was. And it wasn't a screwdriver. But yeah.

7:06 Nikki Ziering The power drill.

7:07 Adam Yeah. Did you go on tour and stuff? Did you go to all those tool shops and sign posters?

7:12 Nikki Ziering You know, believe it or not, that was actually a very coveted title.

7:17 Adam Who are you talking to?

7:18 Nikki Ziering At the time.

7:18 Adam I had those posters up at the shop all the time. They even had the East Coast Ms. Makita and the West Coast. They had the blonde on the West Coast and then the brunette on the East Coast.

7:30 Drew And there must have been an international version of that.

7:32 Adam I was in love for the Makita one. Once in a while she'd show up the opening of a tool shop or something, guys lining up. Oh gosh.

7:39 Nikki Ziering I hated that. I hated that. Going and signing posters in a hardware store all day. In like Gators Creek, Georgia or something.

7:46 Adam Oh yeah, but I'll tell you, a lot of good man.

7:51 Nikki Ziering I remember when, just when the year was up, I was so happy to not have to do that anymore. And then I went to what I thought was my last appearance in Hawaii. And they were like, congratulations, you're the first girl that they've ever decided to use for two years in a row. And I was like, oh my God, this is not happening.

8:11 Adam A lot of guys wearing those foam hats and the Tiger Stripe shirts with the sleeves cut off, cut off sweatpants going, a lot of my buddies like DeWalt, but I don't go for that because their NiCad battery ain't nothing compared to yours. And you're like, OK, sweetie, move it along, move it along. Yeah, got the fat wife out in the car, level on the gun rack. They put the level where the gun rack is in the pickup truck. That means you're Carpenter Drew. Yeah, you hated all those guys, did you not?

8:42 Nikki Ziering I didn't hate those guys.

8:43 Adam Not one cute guy, right?

8:44 Nikki Ziering I just hated traveling around to...

8:46 Adam No cute guys, right?

8:48 Nikki Ziering I don't remember. I'm sure there were some.

8:51 Adam No.

8:52 Drew You're picking on her.

8:53 Adam No, I'm just saying those guys, the women aren't... It's ironic.

8:58 Drew You're right. No, no, you're right.

9:00 Adam The Makita women couldn't be less interested in the tool or the man who uses it. You really want to check who's into that. You get yourself a nice fat dyke. You get a nice bull dyke in there. She'll talk tools with you.

9:14 Drew Actually, she shows up to have Nikki sign the poster.

9:18 Adam She'll put down a few pictures of beer with you and talk shot. All right, let's talk about gold diggers. What do we need to know?

9:25 Nikki Ziering Well, it's hysterically funny. It's about these two guys who court and marry these older women because they assume they're just going to die soon and they'll inherit their money. And the two older women are going to take life insurance policies out on the guys. And have them killed. So it's kind of about that.

9:47 Adam So they're both sort of wanting each other to die.

9:49 Nikki Ziering Exactly. And I'm the fantasy girl that they dream of being with, that they have to get the money so they can get me.

9:57 Drew So every time they have a thought bubble about what life's going to be like after they kill their wife, after she's got off, kind of like a dream sequence. You'll be in the dream sequence.

10:05 Adam Yeah. Who are the guys, by the way?

10:07 Nikki Ziering Will Friedle and Chris Owen.

10:09 Oh, really?

10:10 Adam Oh, wasn't Chris supposed to come in here? Yeah.

10:14 Nikki Ziering Chris was supposed to be here tonight. Yeah.

10:16 Adam Wasn't Will Friedle on the show?

10:19 Nikki Ziering He was on Boy Meets World.

10:20 Adam Yes. Yes. Yes. Very nice. You know what?

10:25 Nikki Ziering Really sweet.

10:26 Adam He did when this show was on television.

10:28 Drew That's what I'm thinking.

10:28 Adam He did that show. Yes. Curly hair.

10:31 Drew Yes. When he was young then, right?

10:33 Adam Yeah.

10:33 Drew Yeah.

10:34 Adam Good people.

10:35 Nikki Ziering Yes. Very nice people. And then Renee Taylor and Louise Lasser are that play the Munt Sisters who their family invented the first condom and I'm actually the supermodel of the condom ads. So that was kind of fun because in my whole career, which I thought I'd run the gamut of every product to endorse, I have never endorsed a condom.

10:58 Adam I'm looking at it seems like a natural fit.

11:03 Nikki Ziering So to speak.

11:05 Adam Yeah, Nikki Ziering and Trojan condoms, a natural fit. True dust condom.

11:13 Nikki Ziering I only ride with a Munt. The Munt condoms.

11:19 Adam Two years reigning as Miss Makita. Oh yeah. You don't know how lucky you are. Signing those posters. I like to see that poster. How long ago was that?

11:31 Nikki Ziering Oh gosh.

11:32 Drew Probably on the web.

11:33 Adam Probably, yeah. Chris, get on the web there and find Nikki Ziering's Miss Makita poster. Would you like to see that?

11:43 Nikki Ziering There's probably something on my website.

11:45 Adam What kind of tool were you holding in the poster?

11:48 Nikki Ziering Well I did so many of them. I had like one where I'm wearing a hard hat on the construction site and I'm holding like I don't know whatever it was and then there's one where I'm sitting on a...

12:01 Adam I like the hard hat, hard hat, bikini and no shoes. That's Oshas. I love that. All right.

12:09 Nikki Ziering And then there was one where I was laying, I was in a dress and I was laying on like a big screwdriver. I don't know.

12:17 Adam Screwdriver.

12:18 Nikki Ziering I don't know what it was. It was a six foot screwdriver.

12:26 Adam I'm going to guess your tools. I'm going to say they probably had her in the compound miter slide saw. They probably had her with that one because that was a good tool. And at some point, probably had you with like the chipping hammer, wrecking hammer or maybe the Roto hammer drill. I think that may have been as hard as that one. Isn't it?

12:49 Drew Normally I pull out a circular saw, I just kind of...

12:52 Adam No. No.

12:53 Drew They want to sell the big ticket out.

12:54 Adam Laying across the thing, that was probably a table saw.

12:58 Drew Yeah.

12:59 Adam See what you can find for me, Chris. Ready to get to the phones?

13:02 Drew Here we go.

13:04 Adam Melanie? You're 19? What's up?

13:08 Caller Oh, not a lot.

13:10 Adam All right. What's your question?

13:12 Caller I recently found out that I had acquired the HPV virus. And my doctor told me that I have to be tested like every three months for it. And every time it shows up positive, I have to have a coloscopy with a stream of...

13:26 Adam Colposcopy.

13:27 Drew Uh-huh. Yeah.

13:28 Adam So that's warts.

13:29 Drew Right.

13:31 Caller I don't actually have the warts. I have...

13:32 Drew Yeah, but you have the wart virus. It's warts.

13:34 Caller Right. I have mild dysplasia on my cervix.

13:37 Drew Right.

13:37 Caller And so every time that I test positive for this, I have to have the test.

13:40 Drew Right.

13:41 Caller I have to take it out or whatever. And so I have to use, you know, protected sex for as long as I have this. And we're assuming that my partner has this too. So if... I was wondering if we're going to be monogamous, you know, like if we're planning on being together, how long we have to use condoms because they're saying that we'll just keep it back and forth.

14:03 But eventually that's going to happen anyway.

14:06 Drew Well... Say that again? Eventually it's going to happen anyway?

14:07 Caller Yeah, I mean if...

14:08 Drew I think you're right. I think that's absolutely right. Well, you're 19.

14:11 Adam Eventually what's going to happen anyway?

14:12 Drew Well, she thinks she's going to marry this guy and then they're just going to be together and they'll be sharing the warts.

14:16 Adam Yeah, I think I'd say it'd be the wart family, the wart-mans who put her on the mailbox. You have little wart kids. Dog gets warts, bird gets warts. Everyone gets warts.

14:24 Drew Wart-mans.

14:25 Adam The wart-mans. The wart-mans. It's a good UPN show.

14:30 Drew Mellie, but you're 19. You may not in reality, unfortunately, be with this guy forever and that's just the way these things are. The problem with saying that it's something that's going to go away is an assumption. The type of wart virus that tends to cause the dysplasia and be more associated with cervical cancer, actually the wart viruses that tend to be persistent and not go away spontaneously. So you may have to practice safe sex until you find the guy that you're just going to be staying with. And you have to get those colposcopies done very, very regularly to make sure that cervical cancer doesn't actually develop.

15:04 Adam But hold the phone, Doc, if he has the wart virus already and she has the wart, yes?

15:09 Drew Why not just go at it?

15:13 Caller I'm saying, okay, we can't detect if he has it or not.

15:17 Drew He has it.

15:19 Caller I don't have warts.

15:20 Drew Melanie's got it. You can pretty much guarantee it.

15:21 Adam Yeah, Drew said that about me till he dumped the... Acetic acid on me and hit me with the black light.

15:28 Caller Suspicious.

15:29 Drew Suspicious.

15:29 Adam Won $100 from it. But we're... Yeah. Pristine. Pristine downstairs. Yes.

15:36 Drew Stunt penis.

15:36 Adam He put on a stunt penis.

15:38 Drew He has a detachable penis. He has a stunt penis.

15:40 Adam It's got that new penis smell. Yeah.

15:44 Drew Nikki's very impressed with you tonight. I can just see the sort of delight.

15:49 Adam You know, listen, I don't have that many things I can brag about. The pristine penis is certainly one of them. You earned it.

15:54 Drew You earned it.

15:54 Adam I certainly earned it.

15:55 Drew Yeah. Melanie, I don't know how to answer that, actually, because you're asking a very reasonable question, which is, since we both have the virus, no doubt he has it, yes, no doubt he has it. Why not just go to town? Will that somehow increase your risk of cervical dysplasia? And it sounds like your doctor thinks it might, and I would go with his or her recommendations if that's the case. I don't know that that's been proven, but it sounds like a safer way to go.

16:19 Adam All right. Well, there you go, everybody. Phoenix? You're 17?

16:24 Nikki Ziering Mm-hmm.

16:26 Adam Is your name really Phoenix? Oh, those ridiculous, pretentious names that these horrible parents give you.

16:35 Nikki Ziering Ah. I've been a fan ever since I was a baby, and it just kind of stuck.

17:08 Adam Well, what's your maiden last name?

17:10 Nikki Ziering Sheeler.

17:11 Adam Sheeler. So it was Natalie Sheeler. Natalie Wood Sheeler.

17:14 Nikki Ziering But I was never called Natalie.

17:16 Adam Oh, right. Natalie's nice.

17:18 Drew Where'd you grow up?

17:19 Nikki Ziering I think it's a beautiful name. I wish it was my name. I grew up in Brea, Orange County.

17:22 Drew Brea? Why don't you return to Natalie, since that's your god-given name? But no, she does like it.

17:29 Nikki Ziering She doesn't like Nikki. I like it because I've just never been called.

17:32 Drew It's too weird to switch.

17:33 Nikki Ziering Yeah, I just would never. If someone said, Hey, Natalie, I would never even think.

17:36 Drew You know what? It's actually a healthy impulse not to switch your name.

17:40 Adam Yeah. My real name is Brav Moxie. But I thought Adam Carolla rolled off the tongue a little better. Yeah, you know, it's no good. Phoenix?

17:51 Yes.

17:52 Adam All right. Sorry about that. So what's the problem?

17:55 My problem is, secretly, I have been a lesbian for a few months, and not until too long ago, I've had a girlfriend for four or five months, and none of my friends, close friends know about it, none of my family or anything knows about it except for me and my girlfriend. And one day, my mom had been gone, and so she came over, and we were fooling around, and all of a sudden, my mom shows up, opens the door, sees us fooling around, and storms off, and she's very upset with me, and is now threatening to kick me out of the house and send me away to live with my father.

18:32 Adam What were you doing right when she walked through the door? Yeah. What were you doing?

18:39 I was eating her out.

18:42 Adam See, by the way, see, Drew's a parent. This is why Drew, I've told him.

18:47 Drew Give him the Cyanide pill.

18:49 Adam I'm saying, when your kid hits 13, you keep that Cyanide pill.

18:55 Drew Right in my cheek.

18:55 Adam You just keep it in your cheek. You just keep it there. Like a Nazi war criminal on the lam in South America. And you just walk around. And that way, if you open the door and your young daughter's pulling the train, you just chomp down on it. Boom! You just go right down. You die. You die. You actually stand there dead for a couple of beats before you fall over. You come in, you're...

19:18 Phew! Phew!

19:19 Drew Yeah, at least I'm dead.

19:21 Adam Your young son is 69-ing one of his buddies from the baseball team, just crank right on it. Just pow! You just tip over. And that's the last thing they see, but fine! You see what you did to me? Yeah, hope this kills the boner. And then they finish, and then they call an ambulance. They gotta wait till they're done.

19:40 Drew Well, they know it's too late. Because you threaten them with that. Hey, you're gonna kill me. You're gonna kill me. I swear to God, I'm gonna drop dead. And if I do, you'll grow like an onion with your head in the ground.

19:50 Adam The Sinai thing is great, too, for like, if you know you're getting in a head-on car crash or something or the plane is going down or whatever, it is just chomped down on it.

20:00 Drew It's a better, it's a have a little kid that we carry. You're right, Adam. Yeah. Life is too dear.

20:04 Adam You just keep it, you just keep it. You keep it in there. You keep it in there. Phoenix? So you are actually performing oral sex on your girlfriend when your mom walked in. Your poor mom. And she freaked out. And she stormed out.

20:21 Drew So what do we do now? Is your mom having conversations with you? Or is she? Well, it's not about... I mean...

20:33 Adam She's just freaked out.

20:34 Drew Yeah, she walked in, you having sex. It's not just that it's with the same sex person. In fact, it might be a little better, a little easier for her in some respects.

20:42 Adam And I'll tell you, if I walked in on a 17-year-old Nikki Ziering doing that with another hot chick, I would be beside myself. Outraged, storming out, storming into the next room to grab some Nivea and then hustling back. Putting down a drop cloth. I would really snap an action.

21:03 Drew But you need to be able to talk to them. You're right. But think about how did you happen to put yourself in a situation where she found you? Well, maybe you're being a little cavalier about this. Maybe you kind of needed this chaos, do you think?

21:16 Adam Did you really think she wasn't going to be around? Why was she around when she wasn't supposed to be around?

21:20 She just came home early from an appointment that she had that she got let out early from.

21:27 Drew What time of the day was this?

21:29 It was around five.

21:30 Drew Five in the evening, you're in your own home, having sex with your girlfriend, with the door open, not locked.

21:35 Adam Where was she going? Like to the dentist or something?

21:38 Drew Who cares? You should have been in a bunker.

21:40 Adam I was just saying, that's ridiculous. Whatever appointment didn't last an hour, it lasted 45 minutes.

21:47 Drew So what?

21:49 Adam What we're saying is, weren't you almost wanting to get caught in some sort of way? I mean, in some subconscious way, you wanted to talk about this with your mom?

21:59 Drew You're setting yourself up for a little chaos.

22:01 Adam Or possibly pay mom back for probably daddy being bad?

22:07 I guess it is a possibility. I've been wanting to tell her for a really long time, but...

22:12 Drew Yeah, this is a little fear.

22:15 Adam Yeah, a picture is worth a thousand words, I'd say.

22:18 Drew So you created this and you got your point home. So now what?

22:23 Adam She's not talking? Are you guys living in the same place?

22:26 Yeah, we still are living in the same place.

22:29 She hasn't said much to me.

22:31 The only time she does talk to me, she's yelling and just threatening to send me away.

22:37 Drew To your dad, which I imagine is not a good thing, or is that what you want?

22:41 Well, I don't talk with my dad much. He lives in Colorado.

22:46 Drew That didn't answer my question. Are you angling to get moved to your dad's?

22:50 I would rather stay here.

22:51 Adam Alright. And are you angry?

22:54 Drew Barely answered.

22:55 Adam Of course she's angry. Phoenix, what's wrong with you? Why are you so angry? Your parents are that crappy? Mad at your dad? Well, I'm going to give you my estimation of what happened because this happens so often, which is dad basically abandons the family. Daughter is angry. Blames mom. Blames mom, not in a conscious way, but just blames mom for driving dad out.

23:27 Drew Or whatever.

23:28 Adam Then mom becomes a disciplinarian saying, no, you can't do this. No, you can't. We can't afford that.

23:33 Drew Dad takes off.

23:34 Adam Dad takes off. Dad oftentimes goes to Florida. Dad oftentimes gets made into a great guy because he's like some uncle that comes by and drops a gift off every few years. He's never disciplining.

23:46 Drew He's never a real person, never a father.

23:49 Adam Right. Right. Meanwhile, the mother who hangs out and actually does the work of raising a child is the one who is the target for all the anger that the child has about their upbringing. Phoenix, why don't you give your mom a break? Just talk to her and try to show her a little bit of respect.

24:09 Drew Apologize.

24:10 Adam And apologize for being disrespectful. And then just lay low for a couple of months until you can move out of the house.

24:15 Drew Don't let this, you seem to be sort of enjoying the chaos a little bit. Just let it cool out.

24:20 Adam Get it in and let's go off to college somewhere. Can you do that?

24:23 I can do that.

24:24 Adam When are you going to be 18?

24:26 I'm going to be 18 in November, actually.

24:29 Adam Oh, that's coming right up.

24:30 Drew Are you out of high school?

24:32 No, not yet.

24:34 All right.

24:35 Adam Where are we now? Beginning of the year. Oh, so you just be one of those old seniors. Look out when you start writing your own notes. You turn 18, you write your own notes. I don't even know what that, I don't know what that's like. But I turn 18 the end of May, my senior year. So I had about two weeks of writing my own. I was just constantly writing my own notes. Hey, hey, screw you. I'm writing my own notes. I'm 18. By the way, do you need to bring in a note for yourself? Adam was sick. Adam was sorry. Oh, here, look, I signed it.

25:08 Drew It might as well get used to our system because that's how it works in real life.

25:11 Adam Is that really how it works?

25:12 Drew You want to get out of jury duty, you want to do whatever, whatever.

25:15 Adam I'm just saying the strategy of having high school seniors, my buddy Don turned 18 at the beginning of the year. Was a whole year of just him writing ridiculous notes for himself for not showing up at school.

25:30 Drew But again, it's consistent with our policy in this country of treating adults like children. And so they get used to it in high school there.

25:37 Nikki Ziering I wrote my own notes. I just forged my mom's signature.

25:43 Adam Oh, yeah, I forged. Freya High? I forged my dad's signature. I don't think he had a signature. I think he had a stamp. He would just take his hand and roll it in ink and then slap it on the paper. He would spit tobacco on it. That was his mark. All right, Nikki Ziering in studio tonight. We'll take a quick break. Name of the movie, everybody. National Lampoon's Gold Diggers. Yes? Yes. All right. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

26:12 Loveline.

26:14 Adam My hair. My hair. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Nikki Ziering is here tonight from National Lampoon's Gold Diggers. Nikki reminded us during the break. Oh, let me remind everybody, Crank Yankers on tonight.

27:03 Drew It's not during the day today.

27:03 Adam 1030 Comedy Central.

27:04 Drew Was it out during the day?

27:05 Adam Must have been a repeat or something like that, but fresh new episode tonight that I think I'm on. But anyway, my beloved Crank Yankers. Nikki was in here about a year and a half ago and reminded us that Nikki and I had a Jew off last time she was in here. I'm not a Jew and neither is Nikki, but I do know something of the religion. And Nikki was converted to Judaism when she married Ian Ziering and had to go to the class and get certified. You have to get certified as a Jew. And it's so funny because now, are you Jewish now, by the way?

27:49 Nikki Ziering Yes, because I haven't converted to another religion.

27:51 Adam Shocking. To me, by the way, nothing more pompous than getting your wife to convert. I've talked to a few of these people. First, they don't want to give up Christmas. That's the big thing. And then secondly, the male, and by the way, it's enough that a Jew gets a hot schick's of blonde like yourself, then force you to convert. By the way, he should be converting to whatever your hot religion is.

28:15 Nikki Ziering You know what I mean? I wasn't forced to convert, actually. I took the class just to learn more about the religion. Because even though I grew up Christian, I mean, I had myself baptized when I was 15 because my mom never had me baptized.

28:26 Adam Oh, really?

28:26 Nikki Ziering Yeah. You had yourself baptized? Yeah.

28:31 Adam How did you do that?

28:32 Nikki Ziering I was going to this church. I can't remember the Calvary Chapel in Huntington Beach.

28:39 Adam Did they do it in a swimming pool or something?

28:41 Nikki Ziering In the ocean.

28:42 Adam Oh, the ocean.

28:43 Drew That's better.

28:43 Adam Sometimes they do it in a pool or something.

28:45 Drew It seems weird.

28:47 Adam They're like, all right, there's a baptism going on. And then we got a senior swim.

28:51 Look, what's that?

28:53 Nikki Ziering I've never been really like a religious person as far as, I mean, very spiritual.

28:57 Adam But you had yourself baptized.

28:59 Nikki Ziering But not really religious. But just because it was like just a faith, you know, like I was just going through this kind of spiritual. It was a spiritual thing. But I don't feel so strongly in the Christian faith that I could. But I wasn't really planning on converting to Judaism. Like I didn't have my mind made up before I took the course. I was just wanting to learn about it. And then what happened was I learned about it. And I really just kind of fell in love with it. I think it's just, you know, the traditions and it's good. It's the family values.

29:29 Adam They're into the family. They're into eating and the family.

29:31 Nikki Ziering And I have no problem giving up Christmas for Hanukkah because then you get eight presents rather than one. So and I love matzo bread. So it just seems a natural thing to do.

29:43 Adam The gefilte fish we could probably do without.

29:45 Nikki Ziering Is gefilte a fresh or saltwater fish, by the way? I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

29:51 Adam I'd say it's a white fish, a cod or something.

29:53 Drew It could be different things, can it?

29:54 Nikki Ziering It's a bunch of different things.

29:56 Adam I think so. I attacked Nikki last time she was here and accused her of not knowing about the Jewish religion and the Jewish faith. She fired back with a challenge, I think. And we had a Jew off and I won. It was tight. I want to say it was tight. But I think you won. And I think we're ready for round two. Do you have anything?

30:17 Drew Ding, ding, ding.

30:17 Adam No, no, no. Who gets the first question? And how does this work?

30:20 Drew Ladies first. I've got four questions.

30:21 Adam All right.

30:22 Drew I don't really know the answer to these things.

30:24 Adam Drew, you're half Jew, right?

30:26 Drew But all right.

30:27 Adam Go ahead.

30:28 Drew Nikki. And the first one to get the correct answer gets the point.

30:31 Adam Oh, so should I chime in?

30:32 Drew Oh. No, no. I asked her first. She had the first crack.

30:35 Adam Go ahead.

30:36 Drew What? No. All right. Should we?

30:37 Adam Go ahead.

30:38 Drew This one's easy. I'll start with the hard one. What is the name of the matzah that is hidden at Pots Passover?

30:43 Nikki Ziering Oh, the Afikomen.

30:48 Adam No, probably. Probably not. Probably not. Although now I know.

30:52 Drew Adam, what is the ethnic source of the name Moses? And what does it mean?

30:56 Adam The ethnic source?

30:58 Drew I mean, what? Moses is a word from some other land.

31:05 Adam Oh, really? You mean like Egyptian?

31:08 Drew Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

31:09 Adam And the?

31:09 Drew What does it mean?

31:11 Adam Jew of the mountains.

31:12 Drew You know what I mean?

31:15 Adam Moses. Older wise one.

31:16 Drew It means like child, son of.

31:21 Adam Son of? Drew, by the way, Drew was in Fiddler of the Roof. Fiddler on the Roof, not in the Roof. Yeah, he was laying down insulation. Yeah, he was on the Roof fiddling when he was like, I was, he was in Fiddler on the Roof. I was a diddler on the couch. That's where I was in high school.

31:42 Drew Okay, Adam, what is the name of the next Jewish holiday?

31:45 Nikki Ziering Oh, wait, that's supposed to be my question.

31:47 Adam What, you mean coming up, the one that's on the way?

31:51 Drew The next one, the very next one.

31:54 Adam The one that's upon us?

31:55 Drew On Thursday.

31:56 Adam On Thursday, let's see, that's the New Year. Rosh Hashanah.

32:00 Drew Oh, got it. It was an easy one, I give them that.

32:02 Adam I mean, not so easy.

32:04 Drew The wine is left at the table for whom?

32:07 Nikki Ziering I'm sorry?

32:07 Drew There's some wine left at the table for someone to come and...

32:11 Nikki Ziering Oh, for, um, Elijah.

32:15 Drew So it's Ty.

32:17 Nikki Ziering But he never shows up.

32:18 Drew Well.

32:19 Adam Wow. Wow.

32:21 Drew Pretty good.

32:23 Adam Deadlocked Chew-Off. The retards from the Valley and the Ships from Brea.

32:30 Drew See, I don't lead you in questions. You pick up on my nuance.

32:33 Adam No, what? I didn't know anything about Dr. Rosh Hashanah. All right. Come on, don't make excuses.

32:40 Drew We'll have next round.

32:41 Adam Come up with a tiebreaker, would you?

32:42 Drew I will.

32:44 Adam Chris, you're Jew, right? What do you know? Nothing? Nothing. Nikki's good because the Elijah thing and the Offy Coleman and all that. I mean, that's solid stuff.

32:55 Drew It's high-end stuff.

32:57 Adam Danny?

32:58 Caller Hey, Adam.

32:59 Caller It's Danny Boy from Kansas City. How you guys doing?

33:01 Adam What's happening, Danny Boy? Don't worry, buddy.

33:04 Caller I'm pretty good, pretty good. Just wondering what's going on with the Late Late Show because, you know, they'd be a fool not to take you as opposed to some other retard, but...

33:13 Drew You're gay.

33:14 Adam Thank you.

33:15 Caller Thank you, Anderson. We'd miss you and it'd be like we apprenticed on you for three months, but we couldn't put in a dimmer switch to save our lives. You know what I mean?

33:24 Adam Yeah. I know what he means. No one else does, but...

33:26 Caller No.

33:27 Adam Adam does. It's like I'm a master electrician. He worked with me for three months, but if I leave, he still can't screw on a light bulb. He's helpful.

33:36 Drew He's helpful.

33:37 Caller I'm a jock, you know, and I look up to you every night.

33:39 Adam Thank you, Danny. God bless you.

33:40 Drew Danny is stalking us.

33:42 Adam So, the thing is, is Kilbourne quit or they fired him or a little of each, and now they need someone to do that slot after Letterman. And my name has come up and I'm not sure what's going on with it, though. I'm in the, you know, a short list of people they're looking at.

33:59 Drew So, I have no idea what the news you want to tell anybody.

34:02 Adam I don't know anything. I'm going to I'm going to guest host or fill in host in a few weeks. And I guess we'll see how it goes. I think it's somewhere like I think we told them the sixth of October, something for like three nights.

34:17 Drew Perfect.

34:18 Adam And we'll see how it goes. They might hate me. Whatever I don't want to do it either.

34:22 Drew I know that's in your head.

34:23 Adam Yeah. What's that Danny?

34:25 Caller I said on behalf of everybody you've ever helped. I just want to say thank you, you're a genius and-

34:29 Drew You're not going anywhere. Hey, Dan, what are you doing? Pushing them out?

34:32 Adam Thank you. Thank you.

34:34 Caller Yes, Drew, I sent you my tape. I hope you got it.

34:35 Drew Oh, I see. That's-

34:37 Adam God bless you, Danny.

34:38 Nikki Ziering I can take over.

34:39 Adam Yeah, you're just going- Well, first off, the first talk, the first hour of each 96B rap about Judaism. Come on, Drew. Come up with a tiebreaker. All right. All right. Let's keep going. Megan?

34:55 Drew Yeah.

34:56 Adam So here's the thing. I don't know if I'm going to do it. I don't know if they want me to do it. I'm in the running, and I have no idea what the implications are yet, so we'll find out.

35:06 Drew First one that can come up is Moses led his people out of Egypt, and they crossed-

35:12 Adam The desert. What desert?

35:14 Drew They had to cross something in order to get- the Egyptian army pursued them, and they had to cross something. No.

35:21 Adam Yeah, but what was that body of water, you mean?

35:24 Drew Well, what was it called? In the Bible, what does it actually say? It doesn't say the Red Sea.

35:28 Adam Oh. Let's see. It doesn't say the Red Sea.

35:32 Drew People have assumed that. They made it that.

35:34 Adam Oh, I see. Jordan?

35:38 Drew Bad question.

35:39 Adam What is it?

35:40 Drew Sea of Reeds.

35:41 Nikki Ziering I wouldn't have gotten that one.

35:42 Adam Please. What are we, clarinet players? First off-

35:46 Drew Adam, I think you're a genius. I think you've come up with these things.

35:50 Adam My Rabbi Shmooley over here, Jesus Christ, Drew, we're not Jewish. Come on, come up with a better, come up with an easier one that only I know.

35:59 Drew I like that juxtaposition.

36:01 Jesus Christ, not Jewish.

36:03 Adam Jesus, Joseph and Mary. Come up with a good one but that I only know. Megan? You're 16? What's up, baby?

36:16 Caller Well, I was just wondering, I had a question for Dr. Drew. I was wondering how accurate are pregnancy tests? I know it says 99% but are they ever really wrong?

36:27 Drew 99%.

36:28 Caller 99%.

36:30 Drew Accurate, 99 plus really. Less than, well less than one out of 100.

36:34 Adam The ones that you buy at the store.

36:35 Drew Yeah, they're very accurate. But they can't, it's not impossible. What's happening with you?

36:41 Caller Well, I had sex and I used a condom and it didn't break or anything and I was just curious and I'm four days late.

36:49 Drew Oh no, don't worry about it. That's fine.

36:51 Adam Condom didn't break, you're fine.

36:53 Drew You should be fine.

36:54 Caller All right.

36:55 Adam Thanks baby doll.

36:56 All right.

36:56 Drew Does that mean it's a bogus call?

36:58 No.

36:59 Adam She loves the show.

37:00 Drew Six.

37:00 All right.

37:01 Adam Drew, anything?

37:02 Drew I wasn't thinking about it.

37:03 All right.

37:04 Adam Sergio? You're 17?

37:07 Caller Yes, sir.

37:08 Adam What's up?

37:11 Caller Well, to begin with, I listen to you guys every night, me and my girlfriend.

37:14 Adam Thanks. Thanks.

37:16 Caller And, well, I got like, when I try to give my girlfriend oral sex, she kind of stops me because she, like she says, like she thinks it tastes nice for me. Like, is there anything I can do to, you know, help me out?

37:30 Drew Does it? Is there a problem down there?

37:34 Caller A little, it's tolerable, but, you know, she doesn't want me to, like, she wants me to do it, but she thinks, she doesn't let me because she thinks it tastes bad.

37:42 Drew This is not a question. I can't figure out the question, so it's not a question.

37:46 Adam He wants to know if there's anything they can do about it.

37:49 Drew No, but it doesn't bother him.

37:50 Adam Well.

37:51 Drew But she won't let me because she thinks it's a problem.

37:52 Caller All right.

37:54 Adam Look, other than, you know, general hygiene, maybe she has an infection of some kind.

38:01 Caller Well, no, it's pretty cool.

38:02 Adam All right. He's an idiot. By the way.

38:05 Caller That was bogus.

38:05 Adam That I would start watching Fear Factor if they did that they took it took some street woman with a yeast infection and you just had to get down there 10 minutes, you know what I mean? And you got to go to town and you've got to make her you got to give her an orgasm. And you know, she's taking those tennis shoes off their toes poking out the front. She's all scraggly and haggard. Sometimes those homeless women get the little beard going. She got the crazy old black woman beard. Yeah. He's getting down there and just flies buzzing around. She hasn't showered months been sleeping down at the beach.

38:45 Drew Think about the Bible.

38:46 Adam Yeah. Yeah. All right, Nikki.

38:52 Caller Yeah. Yeah.

38:56 Adam That's right. See what I'm doing now? I'm taking her out of her game.

38:59 Drew Yeah. I can see it. You're throwing her.

39:01 Adam Yeah.

39:01 Drew All right.

39:02 Adam We're going to come up with the, it's a tie. It's 2-2 in the ju-op. It's round two.

39:06 Drew Yeah.

39:08 Nikki Ziering You're going down.

39:09 Drew That's what he was talking about.

39:11 Adam It's the thriller in the tempa. No, I don't know. We got to come up with something about rhymes. We got to do something better than that. But the point is, is this is round two.

39:24 Drew Name of the guy that sings during the ceremonies, not the rabbi, usually. There's another guy.

39:31 Nikki Ziering All right. I know it.

39:32 Drew You know it?

39:32 Adam The cantor.

39:36 Nikki Ziering I would have thought of it.

39:37 Adam You would have.

39:38 Drew One up. That's weird.

39:39 Adam Now that's it. No, I won. I won the second round of the ju-op. The rubber match is a year and a half from now when you come back in.

39:48 Caller All right?

39:50 Nikki Ziering All right. But do you know why they cover...

39:54 Drew What?

39:55 Nikki Ziering Why they cover the bread when they do the blessing over the wine?

39:58 Drew We'll get back. Let's take a break. Let's take a break.

40:02 Adam Nikki Ziering here tonight. Gold Diggers, the name of the new movie, National Lampoon Production, we'll take a quick break. Be right back. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Nikki Ziering is still in the bathroom. I'm guessing number two are possibly purging.

40:52 Drew I was here at the Care Rock today, and some of the morning show guys were expressing their delight at your euphemisms about what it's like to go number two with a lot of male debris of hair, a lot of hairy ass, as they say. The whole peanut butter and the shag carpet thing.

41:13 Adam Santa's mouth.

41:13 Drew Santa's mouth. They thought that was very funny.

41:15 Adam I'm guessing Nikki doesn't have a problem. Oh, look at her. Well, look who's honored us with an appearance on the show tonight, Drew. So kind of you to show up, Ms. Ziering. That's very nice of you when the show started a whole 28 seconds ago. You okay in there?

41:34 Drew What were you saying about you and what you were doing?

41:36 Adam Well, I guess number two because, you know.

41:40 Nikki Ziering Doesn't my hair look like I was primping?

41:42 Adam Oh, okay. You were trying to look nice for us?

41:45 Drew No.

41:46 Adam She's still angry over me winning the second round of the Jew off.

41:49 Nikki Ziering You know, because this is, you know, radio and I want to make sure I look good for it, you know.

41:53 Adam Well, what's wrong with us? Drew's not chopped liver either, by the way. He's the kind of guy you'd probably like, right?

42:01 Drew Of course, yes. Oh, yes, yes, of course. I don't know how you bring that up.

42:05 Adam Yes, Grandpa Drew. Nikki is here plugging National Lampoon's Gold Diggers, which is hitting the theaters. 1,000 screens, by the way.

42:15 Drew That is amazing.

42:17 Adam That is this Friday. So it'll be in theaters, well, by Friday. All right, we're ready to go here, Drew?

42:24 Drew Yeah.

42:24 Adam You ready to rock? All right, let's talk to Nathan, who's 20. Who's 20, Nathan?

42:31 Caller Good morning.

42:32 Adam What's happening?

42:33 Caller Not much, man. I just had a quick question. I just want to know if it's a problem, if I'm obsessed with doing girls, ain't no, man.

42:44 Adam If it's a problem for who, you?

42:46 Caller No, I'm just saying, you know, is there a problem that if like I base the relationships I do have, like I'm doing that instead of just having normal sex with them.

42:55 Drew Here's something I've discovered by doing this show. When ever anybody couches a question, is that a problem?

43:03 Adam Yes.

43:03 Drew That is a bogus call.

43:05 Adam Physically, actually say, is that a prom?

43:07 Drew That's a bogus call.

43:09 Adam Yeah, I got a really big dork and chicks dig it.

43:13 Drew Is that a problem?

43:14 Adam Is that a problem? Idiots.

43:17 Drew Is that a problem equals I am a bogus caller?

43:21 Adam It is because you have a statement that you are making, which is your bogus statement. And then-

43:27 Drew You have to figure out how to convert it into a question.

43:30 Adam But I'm a retard, so I have to make it sound like a question. So I'll just go ahead and tag on, is that a prom, to the end of whatever statement I make, which isn't really a question.

43:40 Drew Or help, that's the other thing you can do. Help, I need help. That's the other one that's bogus.

43:46 Adam I'm really hot and the problem is my joint's so big and I dig giving it to chicks in the coolly. Help, is that a prom, idiots. Nathan, he's already hot. Is that a prom? It's a prom for their ass. All right, what's wrong with guys? What's wrong with our phone screeners by the way? Come on Brian. Brian, yeah, I want to talk to Al and Dr. Dre. I got to give it chicks in the butt side. Is that a prom?

44:24 Nikki Ziering It's not a problem if she likes it.

44:31 Adam All right, let's talk to Amber.

44:35 Caller Hello.

44:36 Adam Amber, you're 19.

44:37 Caller Yes.

44:38 Adam What's up?

44:40 Caller Back in February, I had an abortion, and basically every time I try to fix my boyfriend, I have no lubrication, and it just starts to get painful.

44:52 Drew Are you on a birth control? Have you been put on a birth control pill or something since then?

44:57 Caller I'm on a depo right now.

44:59 Drew Yeah, that's cause of dry out. Depo dry out. So there you go.

45:02 Adam Don't they tell you that when they give you the depo shot?

45:03 Drew No, I'm amazed at how little discussion goes on. They're so intent on getting the birth control, which I'm all about, and it's such a good way to do it for people that are at risk for having future abortions, that they don't talk about the fact that you're going to bleed like crazy for three months and then not bleed ever again after that while you're on the shot. You're going to tend to be dried up. You're going to tend to be more depressed.

45:24 Adam Well, also, I think, you know, you go to the free clinic and they're not so chatty. As a matter of fact, it's getting to the point where they're just up on the roof hiding behind a parapet and actually firing the depot down on you in the form of a tranquilizer dart.

45:39 Drew That's the Corolla method.

45:40 Adam You just pull up and I shoot you with it.

45:42 Drew You invented that, yeah. We actually have a carpet bombing way of doing it.

45:45 Adam Mine was with Norplant. I was going to try to fire that and get it under the skin like when they tag sharks. You know what I'm saying?

45:51 Drew Perfect.

45:52 Adam Yeah, they're not, you get cheap health care. They're not chatty. Amber?

45:57 Caller Yes.

45:58 Adam You have a doctor or are you just going to the clinic?

46:01 Caller No, I had it done through Kaiser. So I had it done through my hospital.

46:07 Adam And they didn't say anything about dryness?

46:10 Caller No. Basically, they told me that because I asked them about it, they told me that it should only last like two or three weeks and that I shouldn't do anything for that time being.

46:21 Adam No, no, no, no.

46:21 Drew Amber, look, that's the abortion-related problem, the procedure problems. I'm telling you, the depot shot, the contraception is causing the dryness, period.

46:33 Adam Kaiser's really, first off...

46:34 Drew Kaiser's not bad.

46:35 Adam Kaiser's fine, but you think Kaiser, what do you think?

46:39 Drew Wilhelm.

46:40 Adam You think pointed Prussian helmet, yeah? Or maybe a roll with poppy seed on it. And then they tag the permanente on the end of it, which seems to me you're never going to leave the hospital. You check in, but you just never leave. Well, maybe we'll take you out in a bag. And now I'm picturing a guy with a Prussian pointed helmet who's never going to let you get out of his hospital. They really shouldn't. They've got to come up with a better name. That's why I like the religious ones. I like the Holy Cross ones and the stuff like that. The St. Bartholomew or whatever. Whatever it is. Holy, St. Holy, St. Joseph religious guy. Yeah, that's what I like. I don't like to think about Kaisers and permanent stays.

47:22 Drew I like thinking about a break. That's good radio.

47:26 Adam That's radio. That's good radio, Drew. Smooth. Nikki, what's up? You want to go to the bathroom again or are we cool?

47:33 Nikki Ziering Yeah, let's go.

47:35 Adam You single? You single now?

47:37 Nikki Ziering Yes, I am.

47:38 Adam You just have to say that. Dating's a model or something. Yeah, I'm smart. I know how the game is played. Nikki Ziering is here tonight. National Lampoon's Gold Digger is the name of the movie. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

48:07 Caller 877-889-DATE.

48:10 Nikki Ziering Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191.

48:15 Drew This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

48:18 Caller Experience the Axe Effect.

48:56 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Nikki Ziering is here tonight. She's giving a promotion on National Lampoon's Gold Diggers, which is Hittin Theaters and Theater Near You. It's a wide release. It'll be Hittin Theaters this Friday. All right, any nudity in this?

49:23 Nikki Ziering No.

49:24 Adam Really?

49:25 Nikki Ziering Maybe in the DVD.

49:26 Adam Oh, really?

49:27 Nikki Ziering Probably in the DVD.

49:28 Adam I don't have to wait for that. All right, and we're just talking off the air. Drew wanted to get 400 tickets for Knotts Scary Farm. Do they have Knotts Scary Farm everywhere?

49:39 Drew No, no.

49:40 Adam This year?

49:40 Drew Yeah.

49:41 Adam Big amusement park out here.

49:43 Drew First theme park in America, apparently.

49:45 Adam Really?

49:45 Drew Yeah.

49:46 Adam Right. Theme.

49:48 Drew Yeah. You know the theme. Not first roller coaster or something like that. First theme park.

49:52 Adam It's basically Disneyland with Old West flavor. Old West. A little Ma and Pa kind of Disneyland kind of vibe. And they put on this Halloween show every year. I don't need that kind of suras, speaking of the Jew talk. I don't like to be scared. Life's scary enough. You know what I mean? I'm scared anyway. Yeah. I don't like to be startled. Are you okay with that?

50:16 Drew I don't need it, but my kids do.

50:18 Adam Do you go with them through the thing? You go through this?

50:21 Drew Yeah, there's a lot of loud noises and, you know, it's, yeah, bright colored clouds.

50:24 Nikki Ziering I don't like when they grab, when the hands come out and grab you.

50:26 Adam I don't like the grabby thing either.

50:28 Drew My favorite part, though, is the guys, you know, the clown outfits and the mouse heads on it come out and want to talk and get autographed.

50:35 Adam Hey, hey, I want you to listen to my air check. I'm doing overnight show in San Diego.

50:39 Drew You got the clowns gathering at the door at the exit to talk. It's hysterical.

50:44 Nikki Ziering How about clown orgies? What is that all about? Clown fetish. Have you heard about that? These clown fetishes people have.

50:51 Adam Really?

50:51 Nikki Ziering And there's these big clown orgies.

50:54 Adam What's going on with that?

50:55 Nikki Ziering It doesn't sound like anything I really want any part of, but.

50:58 Adam Really?

50:58 Drew Clearly Adam does, so.

51:00 Nikki Ziering But there's, yeah, there's obviously.

51:02 Drew Somebody does.

51:03 Nikki Ziering A lot of people. I watched a whole show about it.

51:06 Adam Clown orgies. You know there's trouble. Like, you walk into the hotel room and there's a bunch of size 17 shoes just standing by the door like, oh, Christ, it's going down. It's on. You hear that horn honk sound when the guy orgasms. When a clown orgasms, that's the sound it makes. That horn honk sound. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

51:33 Drew Taking some calls here.

51:34 Adam Guy does the. Guy does the. Ever seen the. There's a whole bunch of clown gags they do with that. The endless tampon train so funny she spreads her legs and the guy just keeps pulling tampons out. They're just linked together. Just one after that. Just keeps going and going and going.

51:50 Drew And there's a thousand variations of that whoopee penis. There's a thousand of them.

51:53 Adam Never ends. All right. Good times. You should never brought that up, Nikki. Are you ready to go? Nikki and I have been through the haunted house at the Playboy Mansion.

52:05 Nikki Ziering That's good. Very scary.

52:07 Adam Yeah. It was tough. Yeah. I was scared to crap. James Kahn gave me syphilis. He jumped out and he tongue kissed me.

52:15 Nikki Ziering I got stuck in there all by myself and I caught up to some guy ahead of me in the room of clowns actually and I literally jumped on him and I had my arms and legs wrapped around him until we got out of there. I felt sorry for him.

52:32 Adam Was the clown room, there was a room filled with like day glow spots and you couldn't tell if someone was standing there or not.

52:40 Drew They would fade into the wall.

52:41 Nikki Ziering They would look like they were right in your face and then they weren't.

52:44 Adam I hadn't been to a haunted house like I just remember haunted house was like there'd be some hamburger on a plate and go that's brains and be like alright and that would be about it. Yeah. They've really, there's a science now to that.

52:59 Drew They've perfected it. Yeah.

53:00 Adam They're using laser imaging and all kinds of stuff and all of a sudden stuff works now it's getting the crap out of you.

53:09 Nikki Ziering And the strobe lights and everything.

53:12 Drew And loud and they have those things they hit, you seen those things?

53:15 Adam What?

53:15 Drew Cans that they sort of hit and make a clapping noise with.

53:18 Adam No, listen.

53:19 Drew They all carry one of those.

53:20 Nikki Ziering And then the body bags hanging and you have to like they're bumping into you.

53:24 Adam Yeah, the people grab it at you.

53:26 Nikki Ziering And you think it's just a statue of a monster and then it like growls at you and tries to get you.

53:32 Adam I don't need that. No. I want to relax. You know what I want? Nothing.

53:37 Drew You want nothing.

53:38 Adam I want like a haunted recliner. I lay down and a thousand fingers touch my back. Cassie? You're 18?

53:47 Caller Yes.

53:48 Adam What's up baby doll?

53:49 Caller Just want to say that I've been listening to you guys for a long time and you guys are really awesome and I really hope you guys can help me with my problem. I can only give oral sex to my boyfriend but I refuse to receive it from him.

54:04 Adam That's a proud woman.

54:05 Drew Why do you refuse?

54:06 Adam There's nothing wrong with that.

54:07 Caller I don't know. Like, you know, we'll get, you know, he'll want to go down and like right at the moment I'll just stop him. It's like I can't do it.

54:16 Drew Do you have intercourse together?

54:18 Caller Yeah. I even have problems with that too.

54:21 Drew What's the problem?

54:23 Caller There's only certain ways that I can do it. Other ways I just lose my, you know, everything that I have going for me. Like I just totally get turned off.

54:31 Drew Do you have orgasms with intercourse?

54:33 Caller No.

54:34 Drew No.

54:36 Adam Well, something's cooking there.

54:38 Drew So, what happened?

54:41 Adam By the way, here's what it sounds like if I ever get turned away from going down. Nikki, you just say no. Baby, I'm going to go down on you all night, man. I'm going to make you.

54:50 Drew Say no.

54:51 Adam You're going to find God. Do we have sex, please? All right. Now that I try to go down on you, could I have some?

55:01 Drew Yeah, in fact, you'd be that polite.

55:04 Adam Well, it's like it's my same policy with paying the check. It's like, you know, when I go, no, I'll pay for that. My buddy goes, no, let me get that. Okay.

55:11 Caller Look at her.

55:12 Adam I don't want to go down. I want to pay the check. Matter of fact, you pay the check, I'll go down on you. How about that? Cassie? Yes. All right. Any trauma that we need to know about? This would be something else, like listening to a bad, being disappointed in a record or something like that.

55:31 Drew Yeah. So Cassie, obviously that's what's going on here, right?

55:33 Adam That's what's going on.

55:34 Caller Okay. Well, is there any way like I can, I mean, it's, I've gone to therapy and everything and-

55:39 Adam You have. What happened to you, by the way?

55:41 Caller What was the trauma?

55:43 Caller There was a family member of mine who just sexually abused me for three years.

55:49 Adam For a year?

55:51 Drew Who was it?

55:51 Adam What was it? Who family?

55:53 Caller Like intercourse.

55:55 Drew Who was the person that did it?

55:57 Caller Oh, it was my dad's cousin.

56:00 Drew Was this person living with you or something?

56:02 Caller He was, while my dad was out on business trips, he was kind of like watching over us.

56:06 Drew Good boy.

56:07 Adam You're doing a great job. And how old were you?

56:10 Caller I was, it was from eight until I was almost 12 years old.

56:13 Drew Incredible.

56:14 Adam Oh my God. And how, did somebody finally find out about this?

56:19 Caller Well, I finally spoke out about it when I was 16 and I moved back to the States, but-

56:24 Drew States from where?

56:25 Caller It's from Iran.

56:27 Drew And this was in Iran that this happened?

56:29 Caller Yes.

56:31 Adam Well, and hold on, in that case, we can't judge.

56:33 Drew It's just cultural.

56:34 Adam That's a cultural thing. And all cultures are-

56:36 Drew How dare you even suggest Adam?

56:37 Adam They're only different. Yeah, I can't judge.

56:39 Drew If she'd stayed there, it would have been incorporated into her belief system. It would have been great.

56:42 Adam Right. So did this guy ever get into trouble?

56:46 Caller No, I never really spoke out about it. I did tell my dad when I was 16, I finally spoke out about it, and that's when I got help and therapy, but...

56:54 Drew Well, no, wait a minute. So you spoke out two years ago, you had therapy, and saying you magically cured in two years? No way. As Adam says, he's been therapy for 12 years because his dad missed a couple of Pop Warner football games.

57:08 Adam Yeah, I'm still angry.

57:09 Drew Yeah. It takes a long time, and an exceedingly long time, to get this sort of work through. Not just a couple visits.

57:19 Adam Yeah, I mean, the cousin was an adult at the time. Correct. And you were eight years old? I mean, that's horribly disturbing.

57:26 Drew It affects the wiring of your brain. You literally need to sort of make what's called a cohesive narrative out of this and change the way your brain integrates information. It takes a long time for that to happen.

57:37 Caller But it is possible to? Yeah, yeah.

57:40 Drew But you've got to go work at it.

57:41 Adam Yeah. But here's, okay, so here's the good news and the bad news. You are never really going to be like other people. You can't.

57:52 Drew Not completely.

57:53 Adam You can't have this.

57:53 Drew Any more than if you'd had a bad ankle injury or something and wanted to run track. You'd never be the track runner that you are.

58:00 Adam No, no, no. No, I'm not saying that because it's worse than that. Because if you just didn't want to run track, you just wouldn't run track. You could do other things. This eight years old having intercourse with a male for four years is going to make you look at males, your sexuality and the world differently than most people who never had any trauma. The good part is, is if you do something about it, if you do your therapy, if you work hard at it, you end up getting stronger than ironically than the person that never did anything because they never were traumatized. But, like the injury that you rehab from, you've got to spend a lot of time in the weight room. Otherwise, you're just a cripple. And unfortunately, this guy did all the abusing and now it's up to you to put it. It's like if your car got totaled by a guy that didn't have insurance. You're the one who has to pay for the rebuilding of the car. So that's what you have to do. Sorry.

59:04 Drew But listen.

59:04 Adam But it will work out.

59:05 Drew You're actually ahead of the curve.

59:06 Adam And you're smart.

59:07 Drew Yeah. You're smart. You have insight. You're not shrinking from this. And you're able to have stable relationships.

59:12 Caller Yeah.

59:12 Drew Which it's really that is a distinct advantage. That is someone who is able to get through this stuff.

59:19 Caller One more question about the whole sexual abuse. I was wondering like since it did happen when I was so young, I was wondering if that could affect like having children later on because I've heard that from a few people.

59:28 Drew In what sense?

59:29 Adam No.

59:29 Drew In what way?

59:30 Adam She means physically.

59:31 Drew How? How could that happen?

59:33 Adam Well, she means her parts.

59:34 Drew But how? What is your fantasy that's happening?

59:38 Caller Well, I don't know. I'm just wondering for later on, you know, if I do decide to get with someone who wants to have kids.

59:44 Drew I'm just trying to be curious how people think about this.

59:46 Adam Some part of her was damaged physically.

59:48 Caller Yeah, that's basically what they think. My body was not mature enough to.

59:53 Drew But what do you think would have happened? I'm curious.

59:55 Caller What do you mean, idiot?

59:56 Adam You just do the math. It's if you suffered brain damage or something because you got whacked in the head.

1:00:02 Drew Yeah, but you're not getting nearer the sexual, I mean, it's just the vagina. It's not the sexual organs.

1:00:06 Adam People aren't doctors, Drew.

1:00:07 Caller Well, you know, they said that you can have complications with it, you know, with your pregnancy.

1:00:11 Drew Yeah, just the way you can with any sexual activity that goes, you know, that could introduce infection or things like that. But no, nothing's going to happen otherwise.

1:00:19 Adam Well, I mean, you're physiologically fine.

1:00:22 Drew Well, neurobiologically you're changed. You tend to dissociate from those physical experiences.

1:00:28 Adam It's not going to stop you from giving birth, but it might stop you from being as good a mother as you could be.

1:00:34 Drew Have grave difficulty of feeling close and intimate and stable and connected in an attuned relationship with a child can be very much affected by all that.

1:00:43 Adam Did your dad try to kill this guy?

1:00:45 Caller Actually, I told him about it, and at first he went ballistic over it, and then after that he basically labeled me as a liar. And used me for attention and everything.

1:00:57 Adam Hold on, we can't judge.

1:00:58 Caller It could be a cultural thing.

1:01:00 Adam If it's a cultural thing, we can't judge.

1:01:01 Drew Unfortunately, we have to kill her father now.

1:01:04 Adam Well, that's unfortunate.

1:01:05 Caller Nobody really believed me, and so I kind of went into the whole therapy thing by myself. My boyfriend's really supportive, but still it's really hard.

1:01:11 Adam And your dad's back in Iran?

1:01:12 Caller Yeah, he lives over there. We don't have that great of a relationship.

1:01:16 Drew Oh, you shouldn't, unfortunately.

1:01:18 Adam Yeah.

1:01:18 Drew He doesn't deserve it.

1:01:19 Adam Oh, man, I wish I had an Arab father. Are the Arabs over there? I don't even know what they are.

1:01:24 Drew No, it's Iranian.

1:01:24 Caller It's different.

1:01:25 Adam Oh, it's different?

1:01:27 Caller All right.

1:01:27 Adam I like to dump them all into the same category. What are they? What do we call you guys? Persian. Persians? Yeah. Trouble. You say Persian, I hear trouble.

1:01:37 Caller All right.

1:01:38 Adam Don't talk to him. You get some nice blue-eyed therapy stateside here, right?

1:01:42 Caller All right.

1:01:43 Caller Thank you so much.

1:01:43 Adam You get about that old life.

1:01:45 Caller Thank you.

1:01:45 Adam Take care.

1:01:46 Drew Good luck. All right.

1:01:47 Adam She'll be fine.

1:01:48 Drew She's smart. I mean, she really sounds substantial.

1:01:52 Adam Great impulse for a cousin, huh? Hey, I'm gonna need you to look over the family while I'm away on business. All right. I'll be raping your daughter. Really?

1:02:02 Drew I have concerns. You know, you sort of take off after people in that region, but there is so much aggression out there, it leads me to believe that there's got to be some heavy ass going down in those family systems. I figure it's mostly physical abuse, but there may be some of this going down too.

1:02:19 Adam Well, it's a violent part region of the world, yes, and you have to figure when kids are exposed to violence, see violence, or have violence perpetuated on them, as kids, they are more likely to be violent when they get older.

1:02:33 Drew There is some of that when it's in the environment, but when it's in the family, it's profound. That's when you go and go blow yourself up.

1:02:39 Adam But as I've said, it is a cultural thing, and we cannot judge.

1:02:45 Drew Everything is beautiful.

1:02:46 Adam Everything is the same.

1:02:47 Drew Dare you? What do you mean by even bringing that up?

1:02:49 Adam It's not that everything is the same. It's not that everything is beautiful. It's the same. We can't judge.

1:02:55 Drew It's the same. It's all beautiful in God's eyes. It's all the same.

1:02:58 Adam Carve out your daughter's clitoris. Beat the crap out of your son. It's all beautiful. It's all perfect.

1:03:03 Drew It's all the same. It can't be judged.

1:03:05 Adam You cannot judge.

1:03:07 Drew They're all beautiful. They're all the same.

1:03:09 Adam You want to kill someone by throwing rocks at them.

1:03:11 Drew It's all relative.

1:03:12 Adam It cannot judge. Can't judge. If a guy gets caught stealing a fig, you cut his hand off. Cannot judge. Impossible to judge. No. No.

1:03:23 Drew No one's better than it. Because there's no right and there's no wrong.

1:03:25 Adam No.

1:03:26 Drew It's all relative.

1:03:26 Adam No. That's right. Can't judge. Our system, by the way, here in the United States, as opposed to the Soviet Union or Cuba, where people living under tyrannical dictatorship, all the same. We're just the same. Same.

1:03:42 Drew Same.

1:03:42 Adam Can't judge.

1:03:43 Drew I'm beginning to think the Soviet system went so bad, though, by the way.

1:03:45 Adam Can't judge. Yeah. It's in relative ways. It's looking all right now. Carrie?

1:03:50 Yes.

1:03:51 Adam You're 30?

1:03:53 Caller Yes.

1:03:54 Adam You're a chesty girl?

1:03:57 Caller Yes.

1:03:58 Adam Yes.

1:04:00 Caller My entire life, since I was about 12 years old.

1:04:03 Adam Let's move it up to 13. Let's start there, so I don't feel so bad. What size, what is your dimensions?

1:04:14 Caller Well, my dimensions now are 36, 30, probably about 32, 40.

1:04:23 Adam Bouncy, bouncy. All right. And it says here you were a 32E.

1:04:29 Caller Yes.

1:04:30 Adam See, that's what you want to hear. That's small back, big jugs, right?

1:04:34 Caller Very uncomfortable, very painful.

1:04:37 Adam Yeah.

1:04:37 Drew How dare you, Adam?

1:04:38 Adam You're judging again. And what, so you had a breast reduction?

1:04:43 Caller Yeah, 96.

1:04:45 Adam How'd that go?

1:04:47 Caller It was fine at first. They dropped me down to about a B cup after the surgery.

1:04:53 Adam Whoa, whoa.

1:04:55 Caller That was really nice.

1:04:56 Adam Hold on, from an E cup to a B cup?

1:04:59 Caller Yeah, it was a large B, so I could fit into some B cup bras and some C cup bras.

1:05:05 Drew They must have taken a lot of skin as well as breast tissue, right?

1:05:08 Caller Yes, they did.

1:05:09 Drew They took a lot of stuff.

1:05:11 Caller I'm looking at a scrotal reduction.

1:05:15 Drew Yeah, you're scrotal reduction, that's going to be, they're going to need to sort of, it's like making sheets on a bed, you know, getting a couple people to hold it.

1:05:23 Adam I'm going to donate the skin to the Burden War.

1:05:26 Drew Oh, of course. Thank you. Good.

1:05:27 Adam And it's a Vietnamese hospital. A lot of guys had trouble with landmines and napalms.

1:05:32 Drew That would be good for a year.

1:05:33 Adam They estimate they could help 150 kids with my scrotal.

1:05:37 Nikki Ziering I'd like to make a handbag and some shoes.

1:05:39 Adam Oh, would you?

1:05:40 Nikki Ziering Yes.

1:05:41 Drew It's so soft, though.

1:05:44 Adam It's probably not durable enough for shoes. For porous, too.

1:05:47 Drew I mean...

1:05:48 Adam But a belt. And what a conversation piece, by the way. That's a lovely new shawl you have there, Nikki. Where did you get that? That's Adam Corolla's scrotal. Oh, fantastic!

1:06:03 Nikki Ziering Do you know there's a new face cream that they use, human foreskin? And it works, you guys. And so, yeah, every brisk, I go see the moil afterwards and know what it's gonna do with that foreskin.

1:06:21 Adam Sure. Yeah, no, it's like going to the butcher and getting a bone for your dog. What are you gonna do with that foreskin, moil? What does it do?

1:06:28 Nikki Ziering It helps rejuvenate your collagen, it helps stimulate...

1:06:33 Drew This is like primitive man, it's like we're gonna take the heart of our enemy and we're gonna eat it. Yeah. We'll take the foreskin of babies and it'll make us young.

1:06:40 Adam Drew, I'm trying to get the one going where finishing on the face is a beauty tip. You see what I'm saying?

1:06:49 Drew I'm just trying to get started.

1:06:51 Adam People lining up. I don't know, I did beat off earlier today. Come on, Adam, please. Sherry? All right. Disgusting show. All right. So, let's see. It's 30. You're down to a... So, you went down to 32 Big B. Right. And now the question is...

1:07:17 Drew What is the question?

1:07:18 Caller I've gained about 10 pounds since the time of my reduction and I'm back up now to a double D. Wow.

1:07:27 Drew Mm-hmm. There are those people that regrow.

1:07:31 Caller Yeah. And they just seem to be getting larger. Part of my question is, will it stop?

1:07:37 Drew If you stop gaining weight, yes.

1:07:38 Adam You're 30 now. It's going to stop if you stop.

1:07:41 Drew How about going the other direction, maybe?

1:07:44 Caller I would like to go the other direction and I've been trying to work on that, but I'm like at one of those plateaus.

1:07:49 Adam Well, how tall are you?

1:07:51 Caller I'm five foot two.

1:07:53 Adam And how much do you weigh?

1:07:54 Caller 134.

1:07:55 Adam Five foot two. 134.

1:07:57 Caller Five foot two.

1:07:58 Adam Yeah, that's nice. I like that. That's a little, that's jugs to go. Alright, so here's the thing. You're 134, you're five foot two. That's nothing close to grossly overweight. Maybe you want to lose 10 pounds. You start cutting back on the carbs, do a little exercise and the boobs start melting away.

1:08:19 Caller The problem is every time that I start to lose weight, my chest actually stays the same size.

1:08:26 Drew Yeah, but give it a shot. How about taking up some running?

1:08:30 Adam It's hard to run.

1:08:32 Drew I know, but she can get the support, Brog.

1:08:34 Caller Yeah, and like I said, it starts to get painful because with the weight and the strap starts to dig into your shoulders again and that's starting to happen all over.

1:08:43 Adam Alright, how about start yoga? There you go, that's low impact. I have to run with my scrotum and a wheelbarrow in front of me. So I know how difficult and humiliating it can be.

1:08:58 Drew You used to hold it on a stick and make a sail out of it and help you along.

1:09:02 Adam That was the old Adam.

1:09:03 Drew That was much more ingenious.

1:09:05 Adam My scrotal tish and said I wasn't burning enough calories doing that. It was too easy to move the skateboard. So I put it in a wheelbarrow and I know run with it.

1:09:13 Nikki Ziering And when you ride your chopper, you have a little sidecar for it.

1:09:16 Adam Yeah, sidecar, yeah, put it right in there. I put goggles on it, a helmet too. I got pulled over once. So people don't look. I actually start putting like aviator goggles and the Prussian helmet.

1:09:29 Nikki Ziering You always have to buy two plane tickets.

1:09:31 Leather jacket.

1:09:34 Adam Yeah, two tickets. I could put it in the seat next to me. Yeah, it's it's it's tough.

1:09:39 Nikki Ziering You get to ride in the carpool lane, though, so that's nice. Yeah.

1:09:45 Adam Nikki on a roll, by the way, with the scrotal humor.

1:09:48 Nikki Ziering On a Kaiser roll.

1:09:49 Adam Yeah, on a Kaiser roll. Yeah, I get what are the what are the advantages? Well, I get I get the carpool lane. Oftentimes I do have to buy two tickets, but I can pass it off as a senior. It's very wrinkled, and I get a get a break. It's got the on that.

1:10:06 Drew It's got the goatee.

1:10:07 Adam It's got the it's got the hair like the Chinaman's beard on there. And it's wrinkled. So again, I pass it off as a senior. Yeah, it's a good it's a good life. And my scrotum will have a cover for me. He doesn't speak English. I have to leave the office.

1:10:21 Drew You call him senior Wences.

1:10:22 Adam Yeah, that's right. Should we put him on now, Drew?

1:10:24 Drew Yes, please. Adam Scrotum, how was your day today?

1:10:30 Adam Oh, it was dark.

1:10:31 Drew It's all right. It's all right. It's all right.

1:10:34 Adam I spend most of the time in his underpants.

1:10:37 Drew Is that snow?

1:10:39 Adam No, no, it's dandruff.

1:10:41 Drew Oh, dandruff. I thought he dumped in a product.

1:10:45 Adam Oh, the talc, yes, yes.

1:10:47 Drew Oh, how does that feel? That must be awful, drowning in this.

1:10:50 Adam No, it's stuff at first, then I turn it to paste.

1:10:53 Drew OK. In fact, I imagine you amuse yourself with that, too. A paper mache.

1:10:59 Adam Think a posh. That's enough. Come on, let's get this show back on track. Let's go. Let's get it on. Let's get it on there. Put your hands together, Nikki. Let's go. Let's break it down. Grab a knee, everyone. Let's do a show. Nikki Ziering here tonight. Nikki, lightning fast on the scrotal deuce humor. Side hack, the diamond lane. Quick on her feet for such a beautiful woman. Yes.

1:11:27 Nikki Ziering Yes.

1:11:27 Adam Yes.

1:11:28 Nikki Ziering They don't call me Quickie Nikki for nothing.

1:11:30 Adam That's right.

1:11:31 Nikki Ziering And it's not just because I have sex fast.

1:11:34 Adam Yeah. Or often. All right. So Nikki Ziering here tonight. Gold Diggers, new movie out. National Lampoon's Gold Diggers out this Friday. Take a quick break. We'll be right back. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Nikki Ziering here tonight. Yeah. All right, Warming Up on the Ace Man. Wouldn't you say? I mean, you started out, I remember that guy, and now it's kind of like, he's got a little certain something going for himself. Yeah. Warming up.

1:12:50 Nikki Ziering Warming up. Getting hotter.

1:12:51 Adam Yeah, this show was like 28 hours long, Drew.

1:12:54 Drew She'd be asleep.

1:12:55 Adam I'd get like one nipple hard on Nikki.

1:12:57 Drew No?

1:12:58 Caller She'd just fall asleep?

1:13:00 Adam Because for women, it's, you know, personality starts to factor in at a certain point, right?

1:13:06 Nikki Ziering Sense of humor.

1:13:07 Adam Sense of humor.

1:13:08 Caller Yes.

1:13:10 Adam There you go.

1:13:11 Nikki Ziering Talking about, you know, your-

1:13:13 Adam Predigious scrotum. That's a turn-off.

1:13:18 Caller Elastic scrotum.

1:13:19 Adam Pup tent size scrotum.

1:13:20 Nikki Ziering It's like having a, like a menage-a-trois, you know?

1:13:23 Adam Yeah, that's right. It's like a threesome.

1:13:25 Drew Adam and his elastic scrotum.

1:13:26 Adam Yeah, that's right. I could do a gag where I pulled it up over my head. Guess who? All right, Drew.

1:13:33 Nikki Ziering That was your costume last Halloween.

1:13:35 Adam Yeah. I painted it orange. I went as a pumpkin. All right. Now, well, hold on a second. Now, people that didn't catch the beginning of the show, Nikki Ziering is a beautiful blonde Jew. She converted to Judaism when she married I in Ziering, and she's remained a Jew even though the relationship has passed. Now, we had a little Jew off last time we were here, and Nikki beat me. Now, it's time for round two, and I'm ahead. Three to two. Thank you, Drew. Go ahead.

1:14:09 Drew Okay. There's a holiday, Jewish holiday, where children sort of dress up and... She got it.

1:14:17 Adam Porm, she said? I was going to say Jew-ween. All right, so now we're three-three.

1:14:24 Drew And do we know what that holiday represented?

1:14:28 Adam Kids dressing up?

1:14:29 Drew It's sort of a celebration, yeah. I can't remember.

1:14:32 Adam Oh, I don't know. The stupid Egyptians.

1:14:35 Drew Yeah. Wasn't there some sort of battle? It was some bad thing.

1:14:43 Adam You got anything else, Drew?

1:14:44 Drew No, I'll keep thinking.

1:14:45 Adam That was it.

1:14:46 Drew That was a good one.

1:14:46 Adam Wow, that was strong.

1:14:48 Drew That was strong.

1:14:50 Adam Stephen?

1:14:51 Yes.

1:14:52 Adam You're 21?

1:14:53 Caller Yes.

1:14:54 Adam What's up?

1:14:55 Caller Here's my crisis. My wife of five months, whom I love very much, I just found out last week had an affair a month ago.

1:15:06 Drew Hold on a second. You had married five months?

1:15:08 Caller We've been married five months.

1:15:10 Adam She had an affair at month number four?

1:15:14 Caller She's on me four months later when she was home visiting her family in Russia with an old boyfriend who came back after not being in touch for three years. And what she's telling me is true. They had sex twice, unprotected the first time and sort of, I guess, he took the condom off the second time.

1:15:35 Drew How did you meet your wife?

1:15:37 Caller Well, we got back together. The problem isn't the relationship. We're trying to work that out because, you know, I want it to work, but my...

1:15:45 Drew How did you meet your wife?

1:15:48 Caller That's a long story. My main concern is medical. I'm concerned about...

1:15:54 Adam Hey, hey, Stephen.

1:15:55 Caller Yeah.

1:15:56 Adam We don't give a rat's hiney about your main concern. Our question is how did you meet your wife?

1:16:04 Caller I met her when she was in this country during a sort of exchange program two years ago. We've been together for two years.

1:16:12 Drew Like college or something?

1:16:13 Caller Yeah, yeah. I was in college and she was in this country working, and then her visa was finished and she had to go back to Russia.

1:16:20 Drew How did you meet?

1:16:22 Caller We met through a friend of mine. All right.

1:16:24 Drew What kind of work was she doing?

1:16:27 Caller She was working in an amusement park. She was in a restaurant. I was in school full-time.

1:16:37 Drew Okay. Why the rush to marriage?

1:16:40 Caller To keep her in the country. We were dating for two months, and we just kept having troubles with immigration. When her visa ended after we had been dating and living together for two months, she had to go back home. So I had to go back and visit her, and then I got her another job and got her another visa to come back into the country. And then I actually found her... I actually set her up with my parents, and she lived with my parents for four months and went to school here, all in an effort for us to be together so that we wouldn't have to be separated because of the really complicated immigration law.

1:17:11 Adam Hey, Stephen.

1:17:12 Caller Yeah.

1:17:13 Adam Had you had a girlfriend before her?

1:17:16 Caller Oh, of course, yeah. Really?

1:17:19 Adam Of course. Many? It been with many women?

1:17:23 Caller Well, not like a huge amount, but yeah, like 10, 15.

1:17:28 Adam You'd had sex with 10 or 15? And by the way, a guy knows the difference between 10 and 15.

1:17:33 Drew What's the number?

1:17:34 Adam Yeah, what's the number?

1:17:34 Caller I've had sex with six guys, and not including her affair, she's had sex with...

1:17:41 Caller I'm a sex...

1:17:43 Drew What?

1:17:43 Adam Hold on a second. You've had sex with six guys or six...

1:17:47 Caller Girls.

1:17:48 Drew You're gay.

1:17:49 Caller She's had sex with two guys, including me. Yeah, three, I guess, total. And I've had sex with six, including her.

1:17:55 Adam Six girls. Hold on a second.

1:17:57 Drew He said six guys.

1:17:59 Adam Well, he said six guys.

1:18:00 Drew Yeah, but he misspoke.

1:18:01 Adam Well, but you say guys, like, sometimes you call chick dude.

1:18:04 Drew By the way, just, everyone just listen carefully to what that transaction was. Oh, 10 or 15, 10 or 15. Yeah. Yeah, came right back. Six. I mean six.

1:18:12 Adam Here's why we're asking. We're asking because Stephen seems desperate.

1:18:16 Drew It's relevant, yeah. Yeah, this is him controlling and intruding and taking over this girl's life.

1:18:23 Adam Stephen is a smart guy who is like a retard in relationships and he's all up in his head.

1:18:29 Drew Yeah, he doesn't read things properly.

1:18:31 Adam Well, she had intercourse with him one time and then he removed the condom a second time.

1:18:35 Drew Yeah, it's all because of the accountant.

1:18:36 Adam And he wants to know about disease and blah, blah, blah, and he's had sex with this many partners, she had sex with that many partners. He's smart but he shouldn't get married and by the way, I wonder if she's... But this is the point, he needs to be able to...

1:18:52 Drew Right, he needs to be able to read what she's doing. She got married to stay in the country basically.

1:18:58 Adam Starting to sound like that, Stephen.

1:18:59 Caller No, no, no, we got married because we loved each other and wanted to stay together.

1:19:01 Drew Oh, no, no, no, no, wait a minute, we were totally wrong, totally wrong. Right. No, you can't read emotional motivation. You can't read it. You're convincing yourself, you're weaving stories and creating all kinds of justifications and accounting on things. The fact is, you're not really reading what motivates you, what's real. You can't appreciate.

1:19:20 Adam Well, how do we know, Drew? I'm playing devil's advocate.

1:19:23 Drew All right, so go ahead.

1:19:24 Adam Well, I just mean, you know, why did she go have sex with her old boyfriend four months into the marriage? I mean, for Christ's sake. Nikki waited almost a year before she stepped out on I Am. Out of respect. She got it on with the rabbi, I was teaching her.

1:19:44 Drew The cantor, please.

1:19:45 Adam The cantor. Yeah. Stephen.

1:19:48 Nikki Ziering It was actually the cantor and the rabbi.

1:19:51 Adam It was a trick.

1:19:52 Nikki Ziering They were both cute.

1:19:53 Drew It's a question.

1:19:55 Adam Yeah. Okay. Stephen. Yeah. We are just, you're up in your head, you're fast talker, and it's like you're talking fast enough for the both of you.

1:20:05 Caller Can I put my main question very, very slowly and clearly?

1:20:08 Adam No.

1:20:09 Drew You want to know, can you get STDs? Well, of course you could. She had unprotected sex. Yeah, of course.

1:20:13 Adam Yeah.

1:20:13 Caller But the thing is, we've been having unprotected sex since she's been back because I didn't know. And now that I know, I'm wondering if it's worth starting to use a condom or maybe I've already contracted it. What's the incubation period for most STDs like that, for HIV?

1:20:30 Adam By the way, Steven, you're a guy who probably spends three hours a day on the computer. You didn't punch that one in?

1:20:41 Nikki Ziering And if she cheated once, then what's to say she wouldn't do it again? So you should probably just wear the condom.

1:20:46 Caller Well yeah, but she cheated when she was away for three months and her whole boyfriend was Why did she go back to Russia two months into your marriage? Because her father died.

1:20:57 Adam Right, she had to go there for a funeral, go there for ten days and come back? She stayed there for three months?

1:21:03 Caller Well, she had to be there with her mother because her mother is all by herself now.

1:21:08 Drew She has a husband out here. See, you don't even ask these questions, this is bizarre behavior.

1:21:17 Adam It's bizarre behavior for a newlywed to leave the country and stay there for a number of months. It's one thing to go there for a few days because of a funeral or a week, but to actually move out, essentially.

1:21:33 Drew When you're so in love and you're starting your life, it suggests that she's not experiencing the same thing you're experiencing.

1:21:39 Adam You guys were only married for a couple, like what, two months before she left?

1:21:43 Drew One month.

1:21:44 Adam One month.

1:21:45 Drew I mean, that's her escaping.

1:21:48 Caller Her dad died and her mom is all alone in a three-bedroom apartment that they had to sell. She felt like she needed to be with her mom for a period of time.

1:21:57 Drew Stephen, boy, you boys.

1:21:58 Adam I didn't know it was a three-bedroom apartment. That's the situation.

1:22:01 Drew Stephen, really, you really don't really understand.

1:22:05 Caller All right.

1:22:05 Adam So here's what's going on.

1:22:06 Drew Oh, boy.

1:22:07 Caller All right.

1:22:07 Adam Everyone thinks we're being tough on Stephen and we are because we hear what's going on with him. He's got a wife that seems like she got married to him for at least partially to stay in this country. Soon as she did actually officially get married to him, I mean, essentially as soon as she did she left she left the country now for a reason, good, decent reason because of the death of her father, probably because of the death of her father, who knows? And then after one month of marriage, stayed in Mother Russia for three months and then came back and told, why did she tell him, by the way, you know, because I've seen the tourism posters, what goes on in Russia stays in Russia because it gets frozen or gets put in a gulag. Steven, why did she tell you she cheated?

1:22:55 Caller Well, I ended up reading one of her emails and basically I interrogated her for a while. It took a week.

1:23:04 Adam Do you speak Russian, by the way?

1:23:06 Caller Yeah, I speak it fluently. I majored in it in college.

1:23:10 Drew Are you going to end this marriage?

1:23:12 Caller No.

1:23:12 Adam No, okay.

1:23:13 Caller Well, I mean, I'm going to end it if that's what ends up happening, but I'm going to...

1:23:18 Drew Wait, wait, wait. Does she want to end it? What?

1:23:20 Caller She doesn't.

1:23:21 Adam She doesn't. All right.

1:23:23 Drew Does she want to go back to Russia?

1:23:24 Caller She's saying it meant nothing and she wants to give the relationship a try. But the issue I'm concerned about is that we've been having unprotected sex.

1:23:33 Drew I know, Steve, what your issue is. Steve, we know what your issue is. Look, anything you could have contracted, you would have contracted.

1:23:39 Caller I would have fine now.

1:23:41 Drew Yeah. Now, yes, I'll be at HIV. I guess you can continue to have some risk of HIV if she's HIV positive, but why don't you get her tested for that, if that's your concern? The probability of her having HIV-

1:23:53 Adam The hell was that?

1:23:54 Drew Choking. HIV is the chocolate cake we just ate. HIV from two sexual encounters with a guy whom she knows who is not in a risk category, essentially impossible. Remote.

1:24:05 Adam Right.

1:24:05 Drew But as Nikki pointed out, she's not the most reliable partner and may well be carrying on other kinds of situations, which case you may want to keep the condom on anyway.

1:24:18 Adam I have like a step cousin or something. My family is so effed up that I don't know who was actually who in the family.

1:24:25 Drew What the actual relationship is.

1:24:26 Adam There's no actually blood between me and this guy.

1:24:28 Drew I met your stepsister for the first time at your wedding. Never heard you had a stepsister.

1:24:32 Adam Well we keep a low profile.

1:24:34 Drew We keep a low profile.

1:24:37 Adam The point is, we don't brag about the family.

1:24:40 Drew Did you know that she was your stepsister? Or was she had a confusion about that too? I found out at the wedding. Yeah, of course.

1:24:45 Adam Yeah, I thought she was my kid brother for a while. The point is, whatever he is, he went to Korea or Vietnam or somewhere with the service, brought home a bride and next thing you know she moved her mom in and next thing you know she starts hooking.

1:25:04 Drew Oh, wow.

1:25:06 Adam Yeah, well, I mean, some of this stuff, I hate to say, but some of it is tantamount to you going to the forest, capturing a raccoon and just bringing it back to your apartment, you know? It's great. Everything is great. And then they just start acting out and doing whatever they're doing. Whatever they were doing, wherever they were doing it, is what they start doing in your apartment.

1:25:28 Drew Yeah.

1:25:28 Adam Know what I mean?

1:25:29 Drew Yeah. Oh, the skunk last night. Adam. Oh, my God.

1:25:34 Adam Oh, Drew had a skunk.

1:25:35 Drew Oh, my God.

1:25:37 Adam Drew's dog attacked a skunk last night.

1:25:39 Drew Got it right in the face.

1:25:41 Adam Sprayed it right in the face.

1:25:42 Drew Went right into the house, ran in, did the shoulder roll with the face into the floor in our office.

1:25:47 Adam Started pushing along.

1:25:48 Drew Then jumped on our bed.

1:25:51 Adam No.

1:25:52 Drew Jumped on our bed.

1:25:52 Adam Under the bed.

1:25:53 Drew Rolled around. There was a comforter, a blanket, a sheet, a top sheet, a mattress cover, and a mattress went all the way through all of that into the mattress and ruined it.

1:26:07 Adam Really?

1:26:07 Drew I mean, and a smell like you can't believe. We were never smelling lights, we couldn't sleep at our house last night. We also slept in the back bedroom of Jordan's room way, way in the back there.

1:26:17 Adam Really?

1:26:17 Drew Yes. It was unbelievable.

1:26:19 Adam What are you going to do? Is the mattress no good?

1:26:22 Nikki Ziering My dog gets, I watched my dog get sprayed by a skunk once too and he smacked for like I think a year every time you give him a bath. It would be. I mean, it gets bad. There's something called skunk no more. All right, we're getting there.

1:26:35 Drew That you wash him. Thank you. In our garage now, if you open the door into the house in the garage, whoo. It just knocks you over.

1:26:42 Adam Really?

1:26:42 Drew We've been working all day with the peroxides and the peroxide and the baking soda turn out to be the best thing. Oh, really?

1:26:48 Adam It was a Loveline suggestion, by the way. Drew, I'm fascinated how many layers you have in your bed. You got the comforter.

1:26:56 Drew You got the upper sheet.

1:26:57 Adam Really? Upper sheet?

1:26:58 Drew She has to have heavy on top.

1:27:01 Nikki Ziering The kosher sheet.

1:27:02 Drew Really?

1:27:11 Nikki Ziering I hate the corner sheets.

1:27:13 Drew My wife has such heavy stuff on the bed that you're plastered and you can't move, so nothing gets tangled.

1:27:18 Nikki Ziering All right. Folding a corner sheet sucks. I hate folding those down.

1:27:22 Adam You mean the fitted ones?

1:27:24 Nikki Ziering Yes.

1:27:24 Adam The fitted sheets.

1:27:25 Nikki Ziering Have you ever tried to fold one?

1:27:27 Adam You can't fold one.

1:27:30 Nikki Ziering I get in a bad mood.

1:27:31 Adam No, don't try to fold. You can't fold something that doesn't have corner, sweetie. Let's take a little break. There we go. Nikki Ziering is here tonight. Gold Diggers name of her movie will be right back after this. Hey, everybody.

1:28:33 Drew Who?

1:28:34 Adam Who? It's Loveline.

1:28:36 Drew Adam's complaining. Imagine that. We cannot judge.

1:28:40 Adam We can't judge. Hey, everybody, Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Nikki Ziering here tonight, yeah. Starting to melt.

1:28:46 Nikki Ziering Kicking your booty at this shoe off him.

1:28:48 Adam Well, she's, it's three three.

1:28:51 Drew Why does it say nerd everywhere here? Oh, that's who Steven was.

1:28:54 Adam Well, he was a nerdy guy. Well, but the guy speaks Russian.

1:28:57 Drew Yeah.

1:29:00 Adam You show me a guy who speaks fluent Russian, who's 21 and who's from, you know, Minnesota. I'll show you guys not getting laid in college.

1:29:10 Drew Think how comical males are. The guy who speaks fluent Russian, terribly interested in Russian literature, goes to Russia to pick up the Russian chick.

1:29:19 Adam Yeah.

1:29:19 Drew That's really why he's learning the Russian.

1:29:22 Adam It's so transparent. All right, do you have another Jew question for us, Drew? Are you giving it some thought?

1:29:26 Drew All right, let me give it a second.

1:29:28 Adam All right, Drew, don't worry about the caller.

1:29:31 Drew All right, let me give it a second.

1:29:32 Adam Focus on the Jewvia. That's Jew trivia.

1:29:37 Drew Jew-pretty.

1:29:37 Adam Jew-pretty.

1:29:39 Drew Okay, the whaling wall.

1:29:41 Adam What is matzah, matzah braai?

1:29:43 Drew What is the whaling wall?

1:29:44 Adam What is the whaling wall?

1:29:46 Drew A remnant of.

1:29:48 Adam Temple, which temple? It's the whaling wall is a remnant. By the way, this is a move you do when you don't know the answer to the question. You gotta look over your shoulder. It's a retarded guy in Studio B. Yeah, the $4 an hour guy, see? The guy with the aggressive piercings and the tats. You know anything about Judaism?

1:30:10 Drew I think he's putting an A in that.

1:30:11 Adam Nothing to know about that.

1:30:12 Drew Then ask that question. We'll go another one. Neither of you guys know that.

1:30:15 Adam Is it a temple?

1:30:16 Drew I think it's, is it?

1:30:18 Adam All right, Drew, give it. Is it Solomon's? Don't think, no, no.

1:30:27 Drew Who were the judges?

1:30:30 Adam Oh, who were the judges?

1:30:32 Drew Okay, next.

1:30:35 Adam Who were the judges?

1:30:36 Drew Who was the first monarchy over the Jews? Who was the first monarch?

1:30:41 Adam Over the Jews?

1:30:42 Drew Yeah, there was not a judge, but a king.

1:30:46 Adam King David.

1:30:46 Drew I think that's right.

1:30:48 Nikki Ziering I did not know that one.

1:30:53 Adam Is that right, Drew?

1:30:55 Drew That's you.

1:30:56 Adam All right, Melissa?

1:30:59 Drew No, that was the hung up.

1:31:01 Adam Oh, Corolla had now four, three, and that's you off. Let's, Mark?

1:31:07 Adam.

1:31:08 Adam You're 21?

1:31:09 Caller Yes.

1:31:10 Adam What's up?

1:31:11 Caller First of all, Nikki, lovely lady.

1:31:13 Adam Yeah.

1:31:14 Caller And Adam and Drew, you guys are the best personality combination ever.

1:31:20 Adam Really? Well, thank you. I get the feeling that Nikki is a woman of passion as well. Drew is a man of passion. You a passionate woman?

1:31:29 Caller Yes. You are, aren't you?

1:31:31 Adam But hold on a second, Mark. Now you got me going. Now there's two kinds of passion. And maybe you don't know yourself, but there's a kind of passion that hot chicks have just because it's part of their hotness. You know what I mean? Like, I'm hot, I look good naked, this is what guys want to hear. And then there's truly passionate, beautiful people. Drew is a truly passionate, beautiful person.

1:31:53 Drew Thank you, Adam. Thank you. The beautiful part is my...

1:31:55 Adam Nikki, I'm guessing you're a truly passionate, you could be 300 pounds, you would be passionate. Yes. Yes. Yes. A woman of exquisite passion, yes?

1:32:04 Nikki Ziering Absolutely, yes.

1:32:05 Adam Mm-hmm. Very passionate. Uh-huh. Multiple orgasmic?

1:32:12 Nikki Ziering After age 30, yes.

1:32:14 Adam Oh, oh. So really loosening...

1:32:16 Nikki Ziering It's just getting worse.

1:32:17 Adam Loosening up the perm strings a little bit there. Yeah, now they're all coming out. Look out.

1:32:21 Nikki Ziering You know, it's crazy.

1:32:22 Adam Yeah, nice. See, now not as passionate in high school, yes?

1:32:27 Nikki Ziering No. Yes.

1:32:29 Adam Still passionate in high school.

1:32:30 Nikki Ziering Yes.

1:32:30 Adam But not as passionate as you are now.

1:32:36 Nikki Ziering Yeah, I mean, yeah.

1:32:37 Drew The terms are getting confused here.

1:32:39 Adam I know, but here's what I was like. Easier to orgasm at 30 than at 18, yes? Exactly, yes.

1:32:45 Nikki Ziering Yes. All right.

1:32:47 Adam Me, the same.

1:32:48 Drew Same.

1:32:49 Adam I think more used to come out. I'm not sure. Could have been a drive.

1:32:54 Drew You didn't really work in a place like that.

1:32:55 Adam That's it, I've tapped myself.

1:32:56 Drew You sort of moved ahead of the, you know, the supply.

1:32:58 Adam That's right. Mark?

1:33:00 Caller Yeah, yeah, Adam. Okay, so I'm gonna go ahead and go ahead and go ahead and say, well, I'm 21 and my girlfriend's 20 and we're both virgins. Been together for three months. About to have sex for the first time and probably, I don't have an exact date, but in the upcoming week or so. And I know it's supposed to hurt her a little bit or something the first time. And I just want to know how I can like diminish that pain as much as possible.

1:33:30 Adam You got to rub some coke on her downstairs.

1:33:32 Drew Just get her drunk, give her a freeze. Wine cooler and we'll blow it in there. There may not be anything.

1:33:37 Adam She'll be fine.

1:33:38 Caller Really? And she rode horses when she was younger.

1:33:41 Drew Oh, well then of course. No, no, she just, listen, she may be fine. And if she isn't, just be sensible.

1:33:50 Adam Well, if there was one thing you could say, yeah, go slow and lube. What about using a little lubrication? Lubrication, that couldn't hurt, right?

1:33:59 Drew First time out? There's one thing to say other than go slow, lube. Yes, Adam, that's the word.

1:34:03 Adam Well, we can say two things.

1:34:05 Drew Go slow, lube.

1:34:06 Adam Yeah, so that might be three, cause go and then slow. They're okay.

1:34:09 Drew Slow, lube.

1:34:10 Adam There you go, slow, lube. All right, let's take a little break. We'll be right back. Oh wait, Nikki Ziering here. Everybody, oh yeah, Gold Dair, new one, National Lampoons. We'll take a quick break. Opens Friday. We'll be right back.

1:34:24 Caller Alright guys, here's the deal.

1:34:25 Caller You looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:34:28 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:34:30 Caller Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE. Call the Dateline.

1:34:35 Caller 1-800-CALL-UP-LINE.

1:34:36 Caller Love 191.

1:35:11 Adam Nikki Ziering, everybody. Always a delight and sharp and funny. Funny and sharp. Well, we knew she was beautiful.

1:35:19 Drew Not as much of a Jew, though, as you, Adam.

1:35:21 Adam Well, I mean, let me say this. She, what I did is like, I may have won the basketball game, but mine were all just chicken-ass layups and putbacks.

1:35:32 Drew She was putting the outside shots in.

1:35:34 Adam She was draining the stuff but with one foot on the three-point line. You know what I'm saying? So it was going down as a two, but I mean, just draining, hand in the face, turn around, fade away. That's a poor, that poor-um answer is a pivot, fade away into the first row.

1:35:51 Drew Three-pointer.

1:35:52 Adam And just, no, but not three points. Foot on the line. Couldn't be any tougher.

1:35:56 Drew Right, right.

1:35:57 Adam You see what I'm saying? Well, I was just taking putbacks and easy looks. Yes?

1:36:02 Drew Moses, Egyptian, pretty good.

1:36:03 Adam Not bad, pretty good. All right, all right, all right. We're gonna take a little extend a break. Everybody go out this Friday and see Gold Diggers. It is a National Lampoon production and God bless Nikki Ziering or if not God, then well, I'm a Jew for Jesus, Drew.

1:36:22 Nikki Ziering You had me at Shalom.

1:36:24 Adam Thanks, baby doll. We'll take ourselves a break and until next time. It's Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:36:30 Drew We're gonna take the heart of our enemy and we're gonna eat it. We'll take the forest kind of babies and it'll make us young.

1:36:38 Adam This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold.

1:36:52 Caller Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

Episode Feedback

Tuesday, September 14, 2004