Episode 1000639820030

1:04 Voiceover Sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised. This is Loveline. With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:20 Voiceover Hey everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Matthew Lillard is coming in here tomorrow night from Without a Paddle. Tonight, just the love we find between the two hosts. I gave the phone number, right?

1:36 Drew Yeah.

1:36 Adam I gave your credentials. Ready to rock?

1:39 Drew Let's go.

1:39 Adam You ready to rock? Yeah. I hear you saying it, but I don't feel you saying it, Drew. You ready to rock?

1:45 Drew Yeah.

1:47 Adam Chris, you ready to rock? All righty.

1:51 Drew Well, I feel Chris.

1:52 Adam Good ones to be on the air. I said to him about a year ago, I was like, Chris, where do you see yourself? You see yourself engineer behind the scenes producing, or do you want to be on air talent? He went, what's that again?

2:09 Drew The Tin Man and Wizard of Oz before the oil was applied.

2:12 Adam What's that? Produce? You want to produce, right? You want to be engineer, you want to produce like my work on the morning show, right? So produce, right? You want to be on the air? Here we go. Let's get it going.

2:30 Drew There we go.

2:31 Adam Look at him. That was Chris a year ago. Now listen to him.

2:35 Drew I'll remind you too, about two weeks later, then you sat back in your chair and said, Chris, what have you learned from working with the old master here?

2:42 Adam And he said, Jackass, A-hole, who you know, free money, campfire, no preparation. There's a good, yeah. When I said, Chris, what do you learn from the master? He's like, don't look on the Internet.

3:01 What the hell does that mean?

3:04 Adam Nothing better than the producer Lauren.

3:07 Drew She jumped right in there.

3:08 Adam She was like, oh, she'd been waiting for me to ask this question for a long time. Well, once I get you in, I can't get you out. You get paid way too much. You say whatever you want about whoever you want for as long as you want and it can't fire you. What else? It doesn't matter. You don't need to be smart. You don't need a college.

3:27 Drew You got to know somebody.

3:28 Adam You got to know somebody. Yeah, it was great. Yeah, I like as you're settling in, you don't need an education either. Obviously, you don't have to be too intelligent. Yeah, that was brutal. Chris was just quietly insulting. That was nothing short of an attack. I'm still reeling. Michael or Michelle? You're 16?

3:49 Caller Yeah.

3:50 Adam What's happening?

3:51 Caller Okay. By the way, when I'm telling you this, I'm not lying at all. I've actually called this show before and I have lied, but it's like this is actually real. It's kind of like a boy's kind of wolf, but yeah. So I really do have a problem.

4:05 Drew Well, Michelle, this may shock you, but we don't remember your bogus call. So go ahead.

4:08 Caller No, we don't. No, no, in fact, I'm not lying and I really do need your help.

4:13 Adam Well, no, no, wait a minute. You've piqued my curiosity. Did we not know you were making a bogus call?

4:17 Caller I don't think you guys did.

4:19 Adam What was the question? Just see if we remember it.

4:22 See, there's a few.

4:25 Caller I think one of them was like I saw my friend, she was like in a shower or something and I wasn't sure if I think I sort of like her, but I wasn't sure.

4:38 Adam Sounding vaguely familiar. Three, four months ago, when was it?

4:41 Caller This was like in April.

4:44 Adam All right. That had been three, four months ago.

4:46 Caller Yeah.

4:48 Adam By the way. If it is three or four months ago, just go.

4:51 Drew Yes.

4:52 Adam Yes.

4:53 Caller Yes.

4:53 Adam Three or four months ago.

4:55 May, June, July.

4:57 Adam Four months. All right. So what else? What was your other one?

5:01 Caller I don't remember. All right.

5:03 Drew Good enough.

5:03 Adam Here we go with today.

5:06 Drew What's going on tonight?

5:09 Caller I've been using Nair, the bikini, like cream remover stuff. And usually it doesn't, nothing really, I don't, it's fine. I don't get any rashes. But this time I kind of got it in the vaginal area. And as soon as it did, it started to hurt. And then after like I wiped it off, like six, seven minutes later, it kind of hurt, but I didn't really think of anything bad. But for the past three, four days, it's itched so much.

5:35 Adam You burned it. You burned it.

5:36 Drew You burned it. You actually caused the chemical burn. You caused a chemical burn.

5:42 Adam That's what that stuff does, right?

5:44 Drew Yeah, it's a high pH. It's through basic, a basic chemical, meaning a high pH chemical, kills the hair.

5:51 Adam Yeah, what's the high pH? What's pH stand for?

5:56 Drew It's basically the amount of free hydrogen. It's acid versus base measure, sort of relative scale.

6:01 Adam Right, so it's got a high acid content.

6:03 Drew No, it's got a high base content.

6:04 Adam High base content.

6:05 Drew High base and high acid are equally as powerful.

6:07 Adam Oh, really?

6:08 Drew Yeah.

6:08 Adam Now, what do you mean, base?

6:10 Drew Base is the opposite of acid.

6:11 Adam It's the opposite of acid. But the opposite of acid doesn't seem like it would burn hair off. Anything to the right or to the left of center is going to burn.

6:20 Drew Right.

6:20 Adam Is going to burn.

6:21 Drew Yes.

6:22 Adam Base.

6:22 Drew Yeah, so base is just as powerful as an acid. Really? It's acid has extra hydrogen base.

6:28 Adam Why don't they use base to, by the way, Chris, you'll hear none of this in junior college.

6:35 Drew What?

6:35 Adam There you go.

6:36 Drew Why don't they use base to what?

6:37 Adam Why don't they use base to clean swimming pools?

6:41 Drew Lye is a base.

6:42 Adam Lye is a base. It's not an acid. No, it's a base. I've heard of pH balance.

6:47 Drew pH balance is in between.

6:49 Adam The balance is the in between part. Oh, lye is a base. Yeah.

6:53 Drew Power of hydrogen. It's hydrogen is the sort of the free radical, it's called. It's a lot of energy.

7:00 Adam When you put that stuff, that's all right, no one's ever going to call you out on anything on this show. The part, now, how do you, what do you do? Do you mask off your coos or how does it work?

7:12 Caller I get a warm cloth and I just kind of wipe it off.

7:16 Drew Yeah, she puts it all over.

7:16 Caller When I shave it gets really bumpy and it hurts really bad.

7:19 Adam No, I know, but what about the part where you want to keep the hair?

7:23 Caller What do you mean?

7:24 Drew There's no such part, Adam. How dare you?

7:25 Adam Do you not have any hair down there?

7:27 Caller Yeah, well, that's basically, yeah, I want it nice and smooth.

7:32 Drew Adam's asking, do you put masking tape down? How do you mark off what you're going to keep and what you're going to get rid of?

7:37 Caller Oh, I know. That's the thing. This time you don't really know necessarily where it is. I think I put it on way in areas where I couldn't really tell. That's why now when I'm walking down the street or something it just starts to...

7:52 Drew You burned it.

7:54 Adam I'm going to talk to her, why don't you put a Shetland Pony on, we could have a better dialogue with her.

8:00 Drew But she needs probably some cortisone cream is what she needs.

8:03 Adam Really? Where do you get that?

8:05 Drew Well, you can start with cordaid over the counter.

8:07 Adam Get some cordaid and rub it on.

8:09 Drew Keep it cool and dry, but let me talk to her a second.

8:13 Adam I'm realizing for women, for dumb 16 year olds their vagina is sort of like what your car was when you were 17, 16. It's what you had. It's what you would use to attract chicks. It's what you would use to get respect.

8:27 Drew But you certainly didn't know how it worked.

8:28 Adam You'd sort of hang out on the weekends and put a coat of wax on it, make sure it was in good shape. You know, if you had a date or some chicks came by, you definitely want it to look right. When you're just a chick who's not really into school or much into anything else, that's your car.

8:42 Drew Their whole body is that.

8:46 Adam Michelle?

8:46 Caller Yes?

8:47 Drew It says on that little note here that the pharmacist told you to use vinegar?

8:51 Caller They told me to take a bath in cold water and add some vinegar to it.

8:55 Drew Vinegar is a weak acid, and so that neutralizes the base.

8:59 Caller So would it help?

9:01 Drew Well, not this late a day, because it's all gone. If it starts burning right away when you put the stuff on, it would work immediately. But you're four days down the line here, the burn has already happened, the chemical's gone.

9:10 Adam Does any of that holistic cramp, and that's not holistic, but I just mean that sort of, I don't know, old-time remedy stuff ever really work?

9:19 Drew For mild things, yeah.

9:21 Adam Yeah, I know. It's just, it's never got any punch to it.

9:23 Drew No, it doesn't have punch.

9:24 Adam I wish I was a lightweight. I wish any of that stuff worked on me, yeah. Oh, you have yourself a cup of warm hibiscus tea. That'll knock you right out. It'll knock you out. It'll take you down. Do you fly? Do you want to sleep on the plane? Do you get just a little warm hibiscus, just a cap of 2% milk. If it's warm, it'll take you right out. Listen, old timer, come on, make with the drugs in the booze.

9:52 Drew Not just make with it. You need like extra super.

9:55 Adam I need to be basically like a rhino in the Serengeti.

9:58 Drew Right.

9:58 Adam I need to be hit with something.

9:59 Drew You're doubling and tripling down.

10:00 Adam I ain't going anywhere.

10:00 Drew And then laughing.

10:02 Adam Laughing.

10:02 Drew Throwing back Bloody Marys.

10:04 Adam Howling. Like a hyena.

10:06 Yeah.

10:06 Adam That's right. Lisa?

10:09 Yes.

10:10 Adam You're 23? What's up?

10:16 Caller I need to give you guys like a quick little run through of my life really quick so that I can come to my question and you can tell me what's wrong with me.

10:22 Adam All right.

10:24 Drew We'll see. You start telling us the story and we'll sort of chime in at the point we know what's going on. So I can name that tune.

10:33 Adam Come on, baby. Let people get out of the gates now. Let's go. Here we go, baby.

10:37 Caller When I was younger, I watched my mom, and I'm kind of nervous, I'm sorry, but when I was younger, I kind of watched my mom and dad fight a little bit. That kind of stopped. When I got a little bit older, about 12, my younger brother, he died. He was five.

10:50 Drew Oh, what happened?

10:52 Caller What happened? He got hit by a car. Then I started having like a lot of sex with like anybody.

11:01 Drew At 12?

11:02 Caller Yeah, from 12 till like 15.

11:04 Drew Were you abused other than the fighting you were witnessing? Was there any other form of abuse prior to age 12?

11:10 Caller You know what? As far as physical, no, but lately, I have been kind of remembering little things that happened to me by different women, different girls when I was younger, but you know, we were kids and kids sometimes do that. So I haven't been putting too much on that.

11:28 Drew Was any of it directly, was any of it directly sexual?

11:31 Caller Yeah.

11:31 Drew It all was. But I mean, it wasn't just touching or exploring, it was actually directed sexual.

11:37 Caller Well, you know what? At one point, there was a girl that I knew who it was kind of a continuous basis and that's when I was like nine and that went on from like nine to 11.

11:50 Drew So that's, that's, and so she probably had been sexually abused and was just acting out on you.

11:53 Adam Yeah. Well, let's hope. So anyway, we're just going to flip over all the cards here. You're lesbian now.

12:01 Caller Yeah, and then I had my first female experience and I was like 15. Then I got married when I was 18 and we continued to have like three sons and stuff. Then we, he left me like a year later. So at 19, that's when I met my current girlfriend who's cheated on me a lot since. And now I have like this horrible temper and I just kind of like get really upset and just angry and I just like black out and completely go off. And I also have this horrible anxiety to wear like from around a lot of people. I feel like everyone's looking at me or talking about me.

12:36 Drew Are you doing drugs?

12:40 Caller That's the weird part. And then every day I tend to think about like death and it scares me. Like I'll just be at school or something and I'll think about like, oh God, what if something happens to my dad? What if my dad dies? And I'll like immediately have to call.

12:54 Drew All right.

12:54 Adam All right.

12:54 Drew Well, that's all part of your anxiety disorder. It's catastrophizing.

12:57 Adam Yeah. And by the way, what is, Drew, what do you think the worst age is for just depression or that kind of stuff? I mean, I know you have your own personal experience. Zero to whenever you start banging candy stripers. But I just mean, it seemed like for me, life was tougher at 22 than it was at 32.

13:19 Drew Oh yeah.

13:19 Adam Does it get better? You know, here's what I'm saying. I get this feeling like people sort of learn themselves, learn to lay the land, maybe get a little more comfortable in their own skin. Not everybody, but as in general.

13:33 Drew For the most part.

13:33 Adam For the most part. People better off at 32 than at 22.

13:37 Drew Oh, 18 to 22 is a terrible transition.

13:39 Adam It's horrible.

13:40 Drew In fact, if major psychiatric symptoms are going to come on, that's the age in which they typically emerge.

13:45 Adam Right. Okay. So Lisa has seen a lot, heard a lot, been a goose a lot. She's acted out a lot. She's 23, still plenty of life in front of her. She made some mistakes. They're behind her. So you're calling to say, what do you do?

14:01 Caller Am I going crazy? I mean, do I need...

14:03 Drew Well, I'm worried about...

14:04 Adam No, you are crazy.

14:05 Drew I'm worried about these episodes of these fugue reactions where you dissociate and have violent rages and things. Those can be quite, quite dangerous.

14:12 Adam You're not as crazy... Listen, Lisa, you're not as crazy as you should be considering what you've been through and what you've seen.

14:19 Drew The fact that you have relationships, that you're questioning your behavior, that you have some insight, that's all good, but you need to build on that. You need to get better. You need to have non-chaotic, stable relationships over long periods of time, and you need to be able to control these rages.

14:36 Caller Okay, is there a reason why it only happens if I'm feeling hurt? If I love someone and that person hurts me, that's when I completely...

14:47 Adam Well, look, when you don't give a rat's ass about somebody and they screw you over, it doesn't matter.

14:51 Drew That's how everyone is. Well, when people have serious attachment problems, that's when people have murderous rages and do crazy things, crimes of passion, that's where they come from.

14:59 Adam Yeah. All right, so listen, Lisa, therapy, baby doll.

15:04 Drew Yeah, you need some treatment, and maybe some medication too, frankly, because that can really help contain some of these spells you have, these episodes.

15:11 Adam Now, as a Lesbo, you have plenty of disposable income, yes? What do you do for a living?

15:20 Caller I actually just finished school. I'm going to school to be in the medical field right now.

15:25 Adam Nurse?

15:27 Caller Well, I'm going to take my LVN, I just finished medical assisting.

15:31 Adam Is that nurse, or?

15:33 Caller And hopefully I'll be an RN soon, so.

15:34 Adam All right. Well, listen, you don't have any kids, right, or do you? No.

15:39 Caller No.

15:39 Adam Okay, good. You're way ahead of the game. Here's what I'm saying. The gays and lesbians haven't made it. The gays, they really got it made. Because first off, they drive fuel-efficient vehicles.

15:50 Drew They can't get pregnant.

15:52 Adam They can't get pregnant. There's no little mouths to feed. Their boyfriend's making more than they are and vice versa. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. And nothing to spend their money on but fine wine and two-seat automobiles. The Lesbos got it made because, again, no kids to pay for. They don't make quite as much as the gays. But, you know, think about what women spend their money on that lesbians don't spend their money on. Your wife with her ridiculous expensive purses and ice skates and cuticle pushes and all this nonsense, the waxing.

16:26 Drew Well, this is interesting. We've not explored this. Women do a lot of that stuff to impress other women.

16:32 Adam Yeah.

16:33 Drew What do lesbians do?

16:34 Adam I know, that's a good point. Now, but women do it...

16:38 Drew Do they try to attract other women or do they try to impress in the same way?

16:41 Adam Let me say this. This is an interesting thought. Women, as we know and as we've talked about many times or theorized here on the show, do all this primping and face painting and nail painting and all this lipos and tanning and everything to impress other women, but maybe it's to impress other women as to how attractive they are to men.

17:00 Drew Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree with some of that.

17:03 Adam Oh, I think there's a lot of it. I mean, there's nothing, you know, when another chick hears a guy saying, that chick's hot, that's huge for them. You know what I mean? She's one. So I'm wondering though, as a lesbian, Lisa? Uh-huh. I know you don't speak for all lesbians, but you speak for at least 80% of them. And what about you? Now, what about it? Are you into the- The lipstick. Yeah, the $200 haircuts and all that junk?

17:33 Caller Yes, I can afford it, definitely.

17:35 Adam You are? Yeah. And you're into the clothing, into the expensive, nice clothing? Oh, yes. So it's not Birkenstocks and-

17:44 Caller No, no, no, no, no, no.

17:46 Drew Gucci's not anything. And is that so you feel good yourself, or is that so you can attract women, or are you competing with other women, or how does that work?

17:54 Caller That's for the attention. When you go out and someone sees you dressed like that, you're gonna get attention from anywhere, anybody, and that's what they're talking about.

18:02 Drew Men, though.

18:04 Adam You want attention from men?

18:07 Caller Anyone.

18:07 Adam All right, what about sexual attention from men?

18:11 Caller Yeah, that's good, too, because that lets me know that I'm still attractive to anyone.

18:16 Adam All right, takes all that money you're spending on the Prada and the Gucci and the gay self-loathing therapy. What's the matter, Drew?

18:22 Drew Just, it's so interesting. I mean, think about it, they want to be attracted to a part of the population they're not interested in having relationships with.

18:31 Adam Well, you'd like to be presentable to dudes.

18:34 Drew No.

18:35 Adam Come on, Drew.

18:36 Drew No, how about you?

18:37 Adam Tell me you don't care what a guy thinks of you sexually.

18:40 Drew No, I mean, think about it. A guy is not even, think about that. But, I mean, if a guy is making himself look good, it is for the expressed purpose of chicks. Well, and not just, not to make themself feel good, to bring it on.

19:00 Adam Yeah. Right?

19:01 Drew I mean, I'm sure they do feel good.

19:05 Adam You're talking to a guy, well, first off.

19:06 Drew I know, I'm talking to a guy sitting in a t-shirt I've seen for the last 18 weeks.

19:10 Adam Right, who's wearing a pair of fake knockoff leather moccasins. With no socks and a funky looking super denim sweatpants. And the moccasins, I actually cut the laces off them because they were bothering me.

19:25 Drew No socks.

19:26 Adam And no socks.

19:27 Drew And the same GM hat we've been complaining about for three days.

19:30 Adam Oh, listen, I'm a wreck.

19:33 Drew The point is, if you were to try to make yourself attractive.

19:36 Adam Too late.

19:36 Drew Yeah, that ship has sailed. For the most part, when a male is trying to do that.

19:42 Adam Yeah, who am I doing it for? I don't know, chicks.

19:45 Drew But not just so you feel good, because they're attracted to you.

19:49 Adam Yeah. No, wait a minute. Oh, oh, oh, yeah, no, you want it. Here's the thing about guys. If you're not into somebody, you don't want them to be attractive. We don't want dudes, fat chicks, and people that have horns sticking out of their forehead, or mono brows into us. All we want is hot chicks into us. That's it. The rest? Nuisance, or busty drunk chicks with big asses.

20:15 Drew Again, them being attracted to you, even the ones you want to be attracted to, it's not because it makes you feel good.

20:20 Adam No. No, thank you. Dave?

20:23 Yes, sir.

20:23 Adam You're 21?

20:24 Caller Yes, sir.

20:25 Adam You have a Germany or Florida for us?

20:27 Caller Yes, I do. But first of all, I want to ask how you gentlemen are doing tonight.

20:30 Adam We're doing fine. Thanks for asking, Dave.

20:31 Caller Are you ready for it?

20:32 Adam We certainly are.

20:34 Caller A truck carrying 9,000 gallons of pig's blood was rear-ended on the highway, unleashing a tidal wave of gore across the road. The gruesome road slicked, backed up cars for 13 miles in both directions, and took several hours to unclot the traffic jam. Germany or Florida?

20:50 Adam Ooh.

20:50 Drew Let me unclog. Unclot the traffic jam. Yes. Now, it immediately felt like Florida. But then I said to myself, pig's blood? Well, we use that for, like, sausages and stuff, right?

21:03 Adam Or they're filming Carry 3.

21:05 Drew Filming. No, sausages. And so that's Germany.

21:09 Adam Feels like Germany. I heard this story at the Kimmel's writing table must have been about three weeks ago now. And now can't remember if it's Germany or Florida.

21:23 Drew Did they bring it up and say Germany or Florida?

21:24 Adam And actually screw me up. Oh, yeah, they make fun of me for ripping off their idea all the time. I care. All right, so what are you going with, Drew?

21:32 Drew Germany.

21:32 Adam You're going Germany? I'm going Florida. Because I think it was Florida, but I can't remember. Dave, Germany or Florida?

21:40 Caller Well, Adam, I know how right you usually are, but I got to side with Drew, buddy. It's Germany.

21:45 Adam All right, buddy. That's how the game is played. We're going to send you out an envelope filled with nothing. All right, thank you. Yeah, see, now this is one of these situations, by the way. I would have said Germany 1,000 times over, but just because of the blood and the sausage. I mean, there's like 70 tons per person ingested worth of sausage every year in Germany.

22:08 Drew With pig's blood in this country?

22:09 Adam They only use it for sausage. Well, it's not that we don't make sausage here.

22:15 Drew I don't think that's exotic sausage.

22:19 Adam Oh, really? Imagine if that, imagine, you know what we should have done with that tanker? Rammed it into a.

22:33 Drew Islam has a pig thing, too, or be a temple?

22:36 Adam Oh, yeah. Oh, no, the Jews ain't into the pigs, but Islam really ain't into the pigs. Oh, yeah, they're crazy not into the pigs. They were talking in Israel about, I don't know, putting pigs on buses and putting pork chops around stuff. At a certain point, who's your enemy, Count Dracula? What do I got to do? Yeah, no, wooden cross. That's good. Put some garlic around your neck. I put a pork chop around your neck so you don't get blown up in Palestine. It's like, no, oh, yeah, they ain't into the pig. It's one thing the Jews and the Palestinians can agree on. They both hate pigs. They hate pigs weird like, see, if you get some pig on you and you go up, you can't bang those virgins. Oh. It all makes perfect sense. I mean, any right-thinking, rational person would really just break it down and understand it.

23:31 Drew Or any man of faith would just believe it.

23:33 Adam If you're a man of faith, you don't question. You can get a little drop of pig's blood on you go to hell. That's how it works. Oh, yeah. You didn't know that?

23:41 Drew If you don't know why.

23:42 Adam No. They were talking. It's part of the plan. That's why if I ever travel that part of the country, I dip myself in pig's blood. Oh, yeah. Like I said, it's like Carrie. I actually wear the prom dress and I pour pig's blood over my head. What if they've seen Carrie over there? The movie.

24:00 Drew But they wouldn't know it was pig's blood. Was it pig's blood in the movie?

24:03 Adam I think in the movie, they let it be known that it's pig blood. Probably about the same reaction I have when I watch gay porn. Oh, no. Please, no. For the love of Christ, somebody shut this off or I throw my boot through the TV. I'm going to vomit. Do you think it's that? Let's get on the Internet. I got to figure out that pig's blood thing.

24:27 Drew What about it? What's used for?

24:29 Adam I think Muslims freak out with the pig's blood. Yeah. How come you didn't know that?

24:34 Drew I'm surprised.

24:34 Adam You figure because the Jews freaked out, the Muslims would.

24:38 Drew People start talking about their dietary rituals.

24:41 Adam You tune out. Because you just go, coo-coo, coo-coo. That's all you hear, right? We'll take ourselves a quick break. When we come back, Drew, who are we going to talk to? Just started feeling intense pain during sex. Melissa, San Diego. Take a quick break. We'll be right.

25:09 Caller Loveline is brought to you by YJ. Stinger Extreme Energy Drink, made by the manufacturers of Stacker II, the world's strongest fat burner.

25:29 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Oh! That's a little popper. Backfire every once in a while. Fault number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. No smelly, oh, wait a minute, a hand, yeah. All right. I lied. As I was gonna say, a hand-in-hand, a good stinky gas in a while.

25:50 Drew Oh, you got some tonight, too.

25:52 Adam No.

25:52 Drew A little bit.

25:53 Adam You're flattering.

25:55 Drew I'm trying to impress you, trying to impress you.

25:56 Adam Yeah, don't kiss up, because I don't know when I do have smelly gas.

26:00 Drew You're right.

26:00 Adam Is that what I'm saying? Yeah.

26:04 Drew You know you like it.

26:05 Adam I do. I do, but it's like, it's gotta smell. You understand? I don't want the emperor's new fart. I don't want it to be a situation like that. It'd be a good book. All right. Drew, you got on the computer.

26:20 Drew Yeah.

26:21 Adam Checked out Islam. Found out pig's blood.

26:25 Drew Any blood, no good. Pigs, monkeys, dogs, and cats are bad for meat or blood.

26:31 Adam I'm with them on three out of four of those. And then pig in general, just bad news, yeah? Not in the pig. Do you think religions just rip stuff off like we do TV shows now, one network to the other?

26:46 Drew There's no doubt. There's actually words for that.

26:49 Adam Looking over a guy's shoulder, it's like yes, with the swine, with the cloven hoof, and you're like, mm, yeah, that's a keeper.

26:55 Drew Oh, no, listen, if you study the Old Testament, there's constant preoccupation with what do we do about the fact that more attitudes and values and the religious rituals of other religions of the local areas are being taken on by the Jewish people. How do we deal with that?

27:12 Adam Yeah, these are ripping stuff off.

27:14 Drew And even the myths and stuff are stolen from one another. There's a myth called Gilgamesh from Mesopotamian area, way thousands of years before the Bible had had a Noah and a flood and everything.

27:27 Adam Oh, really?

27:28 Drew And Ut Napishtim.

27:29 Adam All right, Drew. Oh yeah, that was better. You know what Drew likes to do? Drew likes to do, spout out really boring things and then go, wait, wait, wait a minute, and then finish with something more boring. Yeah, Melissa? Homer. You're 21?

27:45 Caller Yes.

27:45 Adam What's up?

27:47 Caller Okay, well, like two weeks ago, I think it was, like my fiance and I were having sex and I had this really weird pain, like shooting up like inside me and I didn't know what it was and like, you know, like we kept on going and then like the next night, like it was hurting even worse. And like I told him, I was like, it's starting to hurt me really bad. So like for a couple of days, we just were like, well, we're just not gonna do anything. Like maybe like, I don't know, I just bruised something or something, like, cause I'm a dancer.

28:18 Adam And what kind of dance, what kind of dancing?

28:22 Caller I teach jazz dance to little girls.

28:25 Adam Oh, kind of a turn on.

28:27 Caller Yeah, and so like, I don't know, I just figured, oh, maybe I just bruised something or I don't know. So then we went to Vegas and like, we were like, well, maybe if we try wine, like, I'll like loosen up because he started saying that it felt tight. Like whenever I would say it was hurting me, he said it felt like I was getting really tight all of a sudden. So we decided if I tried wine, maybe it would loosen me up or something. But like, I was like, I'm not even nervous. So I don't even think I'm getting tight. Like I don't even feel myself getting tight.

28:58 Drew Well, there is such a thing as a spasm of the pelvic musculature that can cause discomfort, but this really sounds more like something deeper internally, like a ovarian cyst or endometriosis or things that need to be evaluated by a doctor.

29:11 Caller Well, I went to my gynecologist and they checked things out because when I was in high school, I had problems with like ovarian cysts, I'd get them all the time. And so I've been on like the depot shot like for eight years now. And so like, I don't know, they like text me and she said, it must just be like, I'm getting nervous or something. And she's like, cause she can't tell what else it would be.

29:38 Drew Did they do an ultrasound? Did they do an ultrasound? It might have been a ruptured cyst.

29:42 Adam I don't know, this is boring.

29:44 Drew Anyway, it possibly is spasm, in which case it will settle down. Or it's still something internally structural like a cyst. And if it keeps going, go back.

29:53 Adam I put it on hold cause I can't stand it when people try to shove stuff in when they hear your voice. Like you go, was it an all day, he said, wait, wait, wait. It's like, you heard Drew's voice, stop, let him say his piece and then you can get back to it. Yeah? All right, go do whatever, with the ultrasound.

30:10 Drew Ultrasound, the reason I say ultrasound because you can see fluid sometimes in there if there's been a ruptured cyst.

30:15 Adam Yeah, I wasn't really listening but her boyfriend using a wine bottle on her, I gotta believe.

30:20 Drew It's your recommendation, you keep talking about wine. See, you see what happens, you talk about that and people make these general, these sort of crazy sort of extrapolations from that.

30:28 Adam Yeah, yeah, I'm just saying you go to Vegas and some guy can use a Chardonnay bottle on you. I don't think that's kosher.

30:38 Drew Not cool.

30:38 Adam Not cool, okay. Stephanie?

30:41 Yes.

30:42 Adam You're 23? What's up?

30:47 Caller I'm having a slight relationship problem with my boyfriend.

30:51 Adam Okay, well, you've come to the right place.

30:53 Caller Yeah, I really need some advice. I don't know whether it is that I'm overreacting or whether.

31:01 Adam All right, what is it, what's going on?

31:03 Caller I've been with my boyfriend now for about 10 months, almost a year, and he, we got together on very weird terms. He was actually with another woman for three years. He was actually engaged to this woman, and when I actually met him, he was, the relationship was over, he was on his way out. The relationship had just gone bad. They couldn't get along, they fought all the time.

31:34 Drew You never asked why?

31:36 Adam It went bad.

31:38 Drew Yeah, probably because this guy was cheating.

31:41 Caller No, I mean, this is like before we even hooked up or anything.

31:45 Drew But I'm saying, what makes you, yeah, I was cheating with somebody else. This guy's a cheater.

31:50 Adam Oh, you don't know that. All right, so he was engaged for three years.

31:55 Drew Are you gonna defend this guy? You know he's a cheater.

31:57 Adam All right, hold on. Stephanie says she met him on the way out, which is a little bit suspicious because on the way out doesn't usually mean at the front porch. It means somewhere, maybe in the, further into the house in the entry hall.

32:16 Drew Entry room.

32:17 Adam The what room?

32:18 Drew Whatever.

32:18 Adam What do you call it? It's in the den at least. It's not out, it's on the way out. Stephanie? All right, so I'm gonna figure out whether this guy's a cheater or not. He met you when he was done with this relationship or?

32:34 Caller When I was in this relationship and they were living together and he was, when I first met him he was already trying to make arrangements to leave and go to another apartment, get an apartment of his own. So the relationship was pretty much already done.

32:47 Adam Pretty much already done.

32:49 Drew I'm sorry, let me get that straight. He was starting to try to make moves toward getting an apartment?

32:55 Caller No, he was, the relationship was not working. He was going to leave her.

33:00 Drew He had not made any move to leave yet. Please.

33:03 Adam Were they sleeping in separate bedrooms?

33:05 Caller They were in one bedroom apartment.

33:07 Drew Oh, for goodness sake.

33:08 Adam They're sleeping in the same bed.

33:09 Drew Come on, Stephanie.

33:10 Adam That's just cheating.

33:11 Drew What are you thinking?

33:12 Adam Well, now here's the thing. He's done with the relationship. He's just not saying anything. And some fresh meat has come down the pike.

33:20 Drew But I bet this wasn't the first time he cheated. That's why the relationship was handy. Listen, this is who this guy is. Imagine how that other one's going to cling to this cheating guy, right? Blaming all the women as he cheats away. Oh, she's such a bitch.

33:33 Adam What's he do for a living? Construction? He's a server. Waiter? By the way, call the waiter. Server is more embarrassing than... Server just sounds like you wear slippers and you don't get paid. You know what I mean?

33:52 Drew It should be Siam in the 18th century.

33:56 Adam Yeah, you just have what's the name from The King and I clap his hands, and you have to come scurrying in with little bells on and a vest with no shirt on underneath. Yes, my Lord.

34:05 Caller Well, regardless of the situation, how we got together, that's actually not my question.

34:10 Drew What's your question?

34:12 Caller We've been together for almost a year now, and when he left, obviously, they left on bad terms, and she is just, you would have to know there's a girl to understand, she is really just, she's mean and she's vindictive and she's very manipulative, and she tries to hurt everybody that's around her.

34:34 Adam And he insists on hanging out with her.

34:36 Drew Yeah, that bitch is going to make him have sex with her.

34:40 Caller No, they're not having sex.

34:42 Adam But they spend time together.

34:44 Caller But yeah, so now-

34:47 Drew If she's such a horrible person, why would he spend time with her?

34:50 Caller Because he's trying to prove to himself that even though-

34:56 Adam He can screw two chicks.

34:58 Caller She's done all these horrible things to him that he can be the bigger person and still be a friend to her.

35:03 Adam Do they have a kid?

35:04 Caller No.

35:05 Adam Why would you ever hang out with your ex when you're with somebody new?

35:09 Drew You're going to have sex with them.

35:11 Adam Well, Drew, you're just thinking like Drew.

35:13 Drew No, I'm thinking like a cheater.

35:16 Adam Stephanie, well, that's how Drew thinks.

35:17 Caller I've actually talked to her.

35:21 Drew She didn't come stepping forward and tell you about the sex they were having?

35:25 Adam Listen, hold on. Stephanie, this is just albino white trash kind of stuff. This weird, you know what this is? All right, hold on. I got to go on a miniature rant here. There's a certain kind of stupid that requires chaos where there doesn't need to be chaos. You're in a relationship, you're with somebody. They somehow get a third person into the mix. The third person just ends up being a burr under everyone's saddle. You two could just happily go along and have a relationship, but no, that's not enough. There's got to be a dance. You have to build a case up against her. She's mean, she's vindictive, she's onerous. He's a great guy. She manipulates him into staying with her and visiting with her. He only spends time with her because he feels sorry for her, wants to prove himself. That's all just a bunch of crap. Stop being an idiot. If this guy, you tell this guy, stop hanging around with the witch.

36:22 Drew That's it, period.

36:23 Adam It, period. If he insists on it, you're gone.

36:25 Drew Then there's a reason he's hanging around.

36:27 Adam Right. Look, you're doing what every white trash chick does, is blame the other chick instead of blame the guy you're sleeping with.

36:36 Caller No, trust me. I do not think at all that he is blameless in this. Trust me. That's not actually my question. My question is, we've been together for a while, and we're obviously, I'm obviously having problems with the whole situation.

36:50 Drew What's the question? One sentence now.

36:54 Caller Is it wrong of me to be bothered by this situation, or should I be more open and let him-

37:00 Drew What did we just say? Stop hanging around with the girl or you're out of here. Period. If you do anything-

37:10 Adam Can you do that? Do you have to have the chaos surrounding everything you do?

37:12 Drew Anything short of that, and you're colluding in this, or you don't want to risk the probability that he's actually cheating is going to leave.

37:20 Caller All right.

37:21 Adam Just do that. Do you have to have the chaos?

37:25 Caller No, I really don't need it.

37:26 Adam All right. Do you have any kids? No. Good. No kids with this idiot.

37:31 Drew Why do you have a problem asserting yourself on this? She's a horrible person. She's disrupting your lives. What's wrong with asking the guy not to hang out with her?

37:41 Caller I have. I have asked him.

37:46 Drew Adam, why are you pining me up on this?

37:48 Adam Look.

37:49 Drew You know what this guy is up to.

37:51 Adam I guess he's. But here's the whole thing. All right. I'm going to touche your ass right now. Like touche turtle, Holmes.

38:00 Drew I'll be dumb dumb, his sidekick.

38:02 Adam Look, if and Chris, wake up. I want you to be ready to go, aha, when I lay this point down on Drew. Everyone at home, I want you in unison to say out loud, aha.

38:16 Drew All right.

38:17 Adam When I put Drew in his place right now. If and he is banging his ex, why is he doing it in such an overt way?

38:32 Drew If, hop, hop. Aha.

38:35 Adam Hold on. Would you wait until I kill you? If he is having a trist with his ex, he's quietly sneaking out and doing it. She's not calling the house, he's not calling her. She doesn't exist. Oh, her? Who? Tammy? No, I haven't seen her in six months. Hold on. Hold on. If he is doing that, he's doing it covertly. If he's nailing her. Am I right, Chris? Aha.

38:59 Drew Until it goes on long enough that the crazy one starts going, you've got to leave that girl you say you hate or are going to leave any day. Now, you've got to come back with me and I'm going to let it be known that. And then she starts coming on and getting involved. Here she comes. And then he's like, oh, I'm just hanging out. I'm just, you know. And then he's telling the crazy one, I look, I'm going to get rid of Stephanie. You know, I just got to. She's, you know, she's fragile and brittle. I got to keep me together.

39:23 Adam I just say if he's banging the axe, he's quietly doing it.

39:26 Drew Until he gets outed.

39:28 Adam Did he get outed, Stephanie? Did you out him or was he doing this?

39:34 Drew How did she show up on the scene? How did that come about?

39:39 Caller Well, he kind of felt bad about the way that he left.

39:43 Adam How did you find out? Did you look through his cell phone records and find that he called her 28 times in two days?

39:50 Caller How did I find out that they were hanging out again?

39:53 Adam Yes.

39:54 Caller He told me that they were. And any time he goes out with her, he calls me and goes, I'm letting you know that I'm going to go and see.

39:59 Drew But how did he get started?

40:02 Caller Uh-huh.

40:02 Drew How did he get started?

40:03 Adam Don't step on his, hold on. And action. Uh-huh.

40:07 Drew But how did it come to light in the first place? How did you discover he was doing this? Stephanie?

40:13 Caller He discussed it with me first.

40:15 Drew What's that?

40:15 Caller He discussed it with me first. Uh-huh.

40:19 Adam All right, all right. Wrong as usual. Yeah.

40:25 Caller Uh-huh.

40:26 Drew Here's my point. Do you understand how that sounds? I had a great statement today about alcoholics and addicts. All right.

40:33 Adam Nobody cares. We gotta take a break.

40:34 Drew Because Stephanie's dealing with a problematic guy.

40:37 Adam Oh, hold on. Hold on. Just one second. Would you sit there and baste in My Righteous Stew for just one second before you move on to one of your crappy points? Baste in Ace's Righteous Stew.

40:50 Drew Yeah.

40:52 Adam Uh-huh. You idiot.

40:53 Drew Touche, at least.

40:55 Adam We gotta take a break. We gotta take a break. We'll be right back after this. Thank you Hey, yo, Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191, Matthew Lillard, in here tomorrow night. Now, just me and Drew. Drew and I had a nice argument in the kitchen about what motivates men. I told Drew he was blinded by his passion. He didn't know that some guys just like a little drama. They like to stir it up. Let me say this, too, I think what if you get someone like Stephanie, Stephanie likes a little drama, maybe in a way the guy's keeping her.

41:59 Drew By keeping her in the drama.

42:01 Adam Just get quiet, get nice. She'd take six months of that and dump you. She'll never admit it if she doesn't know it. Maybe he knows on some level.

42:08 Drew But guys don't do those sorts of things unless they're getting something. Money, place to stay, tools, money, sex, something. You get attention.

42:16 Adam You got people fighting over you.

42:18 Drew Don't do that.

42:19 Adam Some guys do, Drew. You're just too passionate a man to know. If it's like, well, if I can't park my seed there, I'm going to keep driving.

42:28 Drew I'm just saying.

42:29 Adam Some people look at women as not only just objects who deposit their seed, but as human beings, individuals, Drew, with separate minds, lives, ideologies, religions, you understand? Am I right, Chris? All right, into the mic, though. Chris, am I right? All right, I'm going to keep. I'm sure you're right. No, don't improvise. It's a-ha. All right? I point at you. You do what? A-ha. All right. I'm going to test you throughout the show. Keep you sharp. Summer? You're 19.

43:07 Caller Uh-huh. Uh-huh or uh-huh? Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm 19.

43:15 Drew What's uh-huh?

43:17 Caller What's up?

43:18 Caller OK, this started about a week and a half ago. I started my period early, like a week early. And it was like a lot lighter than normal. And I'm usually really, really regular, like always on time, like to the day. And so this was weird in itself. And then like three days later, it stopped.

43:42 Drew Any chance you're pregnant?

43:44 Caller I don't know. I'm on the shot. But I mean, and that's pretty, you know, pretty good chance I'm not.

43:52 Drew Hold on a second. You are continuing to cycle while you're on the shot?

43:56 Caller Yeah.

43:57 Drew That's kind of unusual.

43:58 Caller Yeah, I know. So I don't know.

44:02 Drew So it should, your period should get screwed up, because that's what happens on the shot.

44:06 Caller Uh-huh.

44:07 Uh-huh.

44:09 Adam Hold on a minute.

44:10 Uh-huh.

44:10 Adam Or, uh-huh.

44:12 Uh-huh.

44:13 Caller I've been on it for the past six months or so.

44:16 Drew Are you late on the shot or anything? Have they been right on time?

44:20 Caller I was the last time that I went. I was about three weeks late, because I forgot to make my appointment. And then we went on vacation.

44:29 Drew So you're bound to have problems this time.

44:32 Caller Yeah.

44:32 Drew So your period's going to be all screwed up because of the shot.

44:34 Caller Uh-huh.

44:35 Adam Is that it?

44:36 Drew That's why. Uh-huh.

44:37 Adam Uh-huh. Or? Uh-huh.

44:40 Caller All right.

44:41 Adam That's a little late. See if you can not cough before you do it next time. That's right.

44:45 Get it out.

44:48 Adam Summer?

44:48 Uh-huh.

44:50 Adam Okay. So, yeah, all right. There you go, Drew, right?

44:53 Drew Yeah. There can be other things, too, sis, and the whatnot. I think they have an effect on your cycling. But it should be checked. But it's just normal to have irregular cycles when you're on that shot. In fact, most women bleed constantly and then have no period after that.

45:06 Adam Mm-hmm.

45:07 Caller Well, okay. So then...

45:10 Adam That's enough.

45:11 Drew I've heard the question here, really.

45:12 Adam I thought that was your question.

45:13 Drew Then what? Come on.

45:14 Adam Then what? Then nothing.

45:16 Caller And then I started again, and it was, like, really, really super heavy. And I had really, really bad cramps. And that's pretty normal. I usually do that for the first few years.

45:31 Adam Drew's allergic to boring, by the way. Pardon him.

45:34 Drew All this is just what we're saying. Irregular period. You can expect that on the shot. There you go.

45:37 Adam That's right.

45:39 Drew And...

45:39 Adam Aha! There you go. Boy, this could be my new thing.

45:44 No.

45:44 Adam It's like, it's really, it's like...

45:46 Drew You just can't hang with that.

45:48 Adam You want to get on the air, don't you?

45:50 Yeah.

45:51 Adam There you go. That's how you get on the air. Court?

45:56 I'm here.

45:57 Adam You're 22. What's going on there, buddy boy?

46:00 Caller Well, me and my wife have been trying to have sex for the past couple of days and it's not working.

46:07 Adam And you're both virgins?

46:09 Caller Yes.

46:10 Adam Halt Lake City.

46:11 Drew When did you get married?

46:12 Caller Three days ago.

46:13 Adam Ah.

46:15 Caller Ah-ha.

46:15 Adam You guys Jews? No. Yes, we are. You're LDSers?

46:21 Caller Yes, we are.

46:22 Adam Ah, so you kept your virginity and now you're married and it's time to lose your virginity. Yep. And what exactly is not working about it?

46:32 Caller Well, whenever we try to have sex and I start to enter her, it is extremely painful and she yelps in pain and says stop.

46:42 Adam I see.

46:43 Drew Well, she's been seen by a gynecologist yet?

46:46 Caller Yes.

46:47 Drew And what does he or she say?

46:48 Caller Says that she has a smaller than average vagina and I have a larger than average penis.

46:54 Adam Wow. Sweet.

46:56 Caller Yeah. That's what I thought my whole life until now.

47:00 Adam Now it's a problem. Yeah.

47:01 Caller Now it sucks.

47:03 Adam All right. Well, this is interesting. Hold on a second. And then you can tell us where you did your mission and stuff too. Oh, smart.

47:13 Drew Why not?

47:14 Adam You've got a big penis. What's he need to travel for? The penis guy stays stateside.

47:18 Drew We'll find out.

47:19 Adam They don't need to help lepers. We'll take a quick break. We'll get back with Court and his virgin LDS Mormon wife after this.

47:30 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me.

47:32 Caller So what's up?

47:32 Caller So I was like you and I used to think that these datelines were totally cheesy.

47:35 Why can't I meet anybody?

47:36 Caller But I tried everything else and thought, what the hell?

47:38 Caller So I called the dateline and actually met a cool guy.

47:40 Caller I called the dateline and I hooked up with some cool people.

47:42 Caller Believe it or not, other normal people are out there looking too.

47:45 877-889-DATE.

47:48 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

47:52 Caller This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

47:55 Caller Experience the Axe Effect.

48:17 Adam Hey, everybody, Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, 1-800-LLV-E-191. Drew's telling me how he's gonna set up surveillance cameras in his house, and this kid's turning 13, and try to catch him.

48:27 Drew 15, 15.

48:28 Adam You said 13 to 15.

48:30 Drew Yeah, that's why I'm gonna start building that.

48:32 Adam Yeah, give him an eating disorder, Drew. Let him grow. Let me tell you something, man. If you love something, you set it free, man. If it comes back, then it's true love. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You gotta love someone enough to set him free. You know what I'm saying?

48:47 Drew I wonder if we'll ever get far enough away from the 70s.

48:50 Adam I don't know. Drew, you ever set anyone free? They never come back.

48:53 Drew Of course not.

48:54 Adam It's called getting dumped, by the way. Or fired or whatever.

48:58 Drew Whatever, yeah.

48:59 Adam Setting them free.

49:00 Drew Terminating.

49:00 Caller Yeah.

49:02 Adam You usually actually set people free because you don't love them that much. That's usually how it works.

49:06 Drew Yeah, that's the whole point.

49:08 Adam Court?

49:09 Caller Yep.

49:10 Adam You're 22? Yeah, so you're Mormon and your wife's Mormon.

49:18 Caller Yeah.

49:18 Adam And you're both virgins.

49:20 Caller Yep.

49:21 Drew And your wife went to see the gynecologist, right?

49:24 Caller She did.

49:25 Drew Yeah, and she did. Well, how did the gynecologist know about the size of your penis?

49:29 Adam Well, she didn't.

49:31 Drew She told her. What did she tell her?

49:33 Caller She said that it is, well, I guess she pulled out a fighting chart or whatever.

49:38 Drew Yeah, that's why I know this is totally bogus.

49:41 Adam All right, now this is bogus, buddy.

49:43 Caller I swear.

49:44 Adam All right, I believe you.

49:46 Caller The gynecologist gave her tools, I guess what you would call them. I want you to use these and this will help get you ready for sex.

49:55 Adam All right, I believe her.

49:56 Drew Yeah, well, what'd she give you?

49:58 Caller She gave her a little plastic thing.

50:00 Drew Plastic, acrylic sizers?

50:04 Caller They look kind of like syringes because they don't have the tip on the end and they start small and get bigger.

50:09 Drew Right, there's acrylic.

50:10 Adam Yeah, it's a wedge.

50:12 Drew Yeah.

50:13 Adam Good for splitting wood.

50:14 Drew Well, that's good.

50:15 Adam All right, well, there you go.

50:17 Drew Just a...

50:17 Caller I guess she said the biggest one is still wasn't quite as big.

50:22 Adam That's nice. Oh boy, I tell you, if you can be bigger than the biggest crotch stretcher, that's a feather in your cap. It's like they don't make underpants my size, sweetie pea. That's nice. That's nice. Yeah, it's nice when you go, it's like, oh yeah, I know condoms. I can't buy them off the shelf. I got them handmade.

50:45 Drew Custom condom.

50:46 Adam Custom condom.

50:47 Drew That's the new label.

50:51 Adam Oh, how's it work? They take an impression. There's a fluffer. You just drop it in a wax mold. It can burn a little bit, but they do it. And then they do what, a negative mold. And then they dump the plaster Paris into that. And then they end up dumping the acrylic over that. It's about a four-step process.

51:13 Drew They used to make vaginas when the male to female transsexuals. True.

51:16 Adam Sometimes you whack the mic in eight seconds.

51:20 Drew They have them sit on these acrylic devices.

51:23 Adam Oh, and they were a yoke-a-mouth? Yeah. Yeah, auger-a-mouth. Yoke-a-mouth. Good times. All right, so his wife's doing the thing.

51:33 Drew Yeah, it's good.

51:34 Adam And a little lube wouldn't hurt?

51:38 Caller We tried plenty of lube. We put you up to a bottle and a half of AstroGlide.

51:42 Adam Why didn't you have to go on your mission if you're a Mormon?

51:45 Caller Well, I decided not to. You don't have to go.

51:49 Drew Really?

51:49 Caller Yeah, I elected not to go.

51:52 Drew Oh, did you have your spot sort of picked out?

51:55 Caller Yeah, I actually had my mission call and everything. And then-

51:58 Drew Where were you gonna go?

51:59 Caller I was gonna go to the Ukraine.

52:03 Drew That'll be interesting.

52:04 Adam What's going on? You guys can eat pig all right, right?

52:08 Caller Yeah, we can eat pig.

52:10 Adam See, it all makes sense.

52:11 Drew You know, with Joe Smith reading the tablets out of a hat.

52:19 Adam Well, here's the whole thing about religion. Religion is like a blonde chick who's going by on a motorcycle. You go, wow, smoking hot chick just went by on a motorcycle. And if you get up close on up to it, like they stop and you walk around, you find out it's a dude most of the time, or at least they have bad skin and crooked teeth and stretch marks. Better they just keep moving. Just keep moving. If you examine it, that's when it gets a little bad.

52:46 Drew Well, or as they said-

52:47 Adam Mormons, great. You start talking about Smith and his methods and what he did. You start scratching beneath the surface. It gets a little dicey.

52:55 Drew As they said in South Park, which was, if you can't, the Mormon child in the South Park episode said he has a good life, loves his family, has a church to his spouse, has good things. And so, you have a problem with how that got started.

53:09 Adam Yeah.

53:09 Drew Go to hell.

53:10 Adam That's right. All right, we'll see you there. Jeff, I just want to know how you can all be right. How can all of you be right?

53:18 Drew Or all be wrong. You know what I mean?

53:19 Adam Well, you're all, I mean, you're all right. The Mormons, the Jews, the Islam, they're all right.

53:26 Drew But what about Buddhists and Hindus?

53:28 Adam All right, everyone's right. Everyone's right? You're all right. Hmm, think about that for a minute.

53:34 Drew Well, but the Christians were clear that everyone else is wrong. Wow. Everyone else going to hell.

53:38 Adam Yeah, so great. Jeff, all I want is please everyone with the reverence for these nut jobs, these mental patients known as fundamentalists. Just, let's start verbally abusing them, please.

53:51 Drew Do you know that fundamentalism only exists in certain countries? And America's one of the few where there is such a thing as fundamentalism.

53:56 Adam Here's all I'm saying.

53:57 Drew You don't see fundamentalism in Switzerland.

53:59 Adam You know how we freely make fun of fat people in this culture? Let's take some of that and turn it toward religious folk. That's all. They deserve to be laughed at. That's all. Let's stop nodding our heads and pretending like we respect whatever the retarded ideology is. Jeff?

54:17 Drew Yeah.

54:17 Adam You're 22?

54:18 Drew Forget the, but not so much the retarded ideology. Let's let people have their own retarded ideology, but let's not excuse every sin as soon as you bring up God, you know what I'm saying?

54:28 Adam And just-

54:29 Drew I'm a drug addict, I'm abusing my interns or whatever, and I'm gonna ask for forgiveness. Oh, oh good, thankfully, thankfully, thankfully.

54:37 Adam Yeah, just everyone, shut your goddamn pie holes when it comes to your own retarded faith, please. Just shut your pie hole. Jeff?

54:45 Yeah.

54:46 Adam Go ahead. And I'm not, no chains, no outfits, no nothing. Just nothing. Nothing, go ahead.

54:55 My question? Yeah.

54:56 Adam Yes, we are.

54:58 I've been married for four years now and I love my wife very, very, very much. And we live with my in-laws, which is unfortunate for me. And we're looking to get our own place only in Southern California, it's really, really hard. Apartments are really expensive. And I'm a full-time truck driver. I make decent money, but it takes two incomes to get a place, you know, and she works part-time and goes to school, and she goes to school more than she works. And that's fine, you know, I want her to pursue what it is that she wants.

55:29 Adam Wait a second, she goes to school more than she works?

55:33 Yeah, she just did four years.

55:37 Adam She goes to school more than she works?

55:38 Caller I wasn't even paying attention.

55:40 Adam All right, all right, again, we're gonna try this one more time. She goes to school more than she works? Uh-huh. There you go, fifth time's the charm. Jeff? Yeah. You drive trucks? Yeah. 18-wheeler? And how much do you make? Because I was thinking about this the other day. I really was thinking about being a truck driver.

56:01 I make about $700, $800 a week.

56:04 Adam $700, $800 a week, and where are you going?

56:08 Anywhere the road takes me. I work mainly in California, Arizona, and Nevada.

56:12 Adam $700, $800 a week. Seems like you could do a little better than that, driving an 18-wheeler.

56:19 Yeah, that's what I thought.

56:21 Adam Nothing, huh?

56:22 Yeah.

56:23 Drew Well, it's still $40,000 a year.

56:27 Adam I thought truck drivers, it's something more like $1,000, $1,200 a week. You're working long weeks, right?

56:35 Yeah, I get off about a day a week, and that's about it.

56:38 Adam All right, so you drive, is there a, can you move up? Can you get some sort of a hazardous material license or something, get certified?

56:46 Oh, yeah, I have all that stuff, all the endorsements.

56:49 Adam And still down, you know, I mean, it's making $13 an hour or something.

56:55 Drew Should he make it $50,000?

56:56 Well, I've only been doing this for about eight months now.

56:59 Adam I know it seems like more than $13,000, but what I mean is he's probably working 55, 60 hours a week driving all over. Okay. Anyway, all right, you're going to make more money. She's going to make more money. You're living at home. You want to move out to Southern California. Everything's too expensive.

57:13 And I told her that maybe if she stopped going to school right now and worked a little more with both our incomes, we could get our own place.

57:21 Drew I understand you can't have an apartment at $50,000 a year. Yeah.

57:24 Adam Why can't you get an apartment?

57:26 It's just so expensive to move out. You know, apartments are like $1,000, $1,200, and then they want security deposit that's almost the same as the first month's rent. And you've got to get all your utilities hooked up. So we're looking at least $3,000 to move out, you know, just to get started.

57:41 Adam Well, here's what you've got to do. Is she going to junior college? She's done.

57:46 Caller Community college.

57:46 Adam Get her out of there. No, don't call community.

57:48 Drew What kind of work is she doing?

57:50 Caller What's that?

57:51 Drew What kind of work is she doing?

57:52 Caller She's trying to get into pathology.

57:57 Adam What kind of work?

57:58 Drew What kind of work is she doing?

57:59 Adam What's she doing now?

58:00 Caller She works at a department store.

58:02 Adam All right. Here's your plan. You ready?

58:04 Drew What do you think we get into pathology?

58:06 Adam I don't know.

58:07 Drew I got to know what that means.

58:08 Adam He thinks pathology. He means like he looks himself as a pathologist because he drives on a path, a paved road. I think he just means, I think he just means like leading campers.

58:22 Drew I just got to know. All right.

58:23 Adam Jeff?

58:24 Caller Yeah.

58:25 Adam Pathology?

58:27 Caller I don't know. Something like that. Crime scene, you know, something CSI. I don't know. Something along those lines.

58:32 Drew Crime investigator.

58:34 Adam Okay.

58:35 Drew Crime scene investigator.

58:36 Adam So here's the plan. Get her out of that junior college. She goes to work. Maybe she just goes, here's the beauty about junior college. You're never graduating. So it doesn't matter when you leave and when you come back. It's an open door. Remember in the old Mayberry series?

58:55 Drew Open door policy.

58:57 Adam Remember the old Mayberry series, Otis, the town drunk? Yes. No, that's Floyd the Barber.

59:03 Drew Oh, that's right.

59:04 Adam Otis the town drunk would just let himself in and out of it. He'd come in after a night of drinking. He'd walk in. He'd walk right into a cell and slam the door behind him. That's what junior college is. Don't worry that cell door will be open. You stagger in drunk whenever you want. Do it in your 40s. Do it in your 80s. It doesn't matter. You can leave at any time. There's no punishment. There's no window that ever closes. Average age at a junior college is 85.

59:31 Drew It's not like there's a course of study you got to complete in a certain period of time. There's nothing like that there.

59:35 Adam No. My mom went to Valley College. You know what she majored in? Walking in a circle and waiting to die.

59:43 Drew She did it great. She's excelled.

59:45 Adam They would just walk. It would be hurt. They would just keep walking in a circle until people fell.

59:50 Drew Once in a while, they would yell, freak out.

59:55 Adam Seriously, you know what my mom's major was at Valley College?

59:58 Drew What?

59:59 Adam Chicano Studies.

1:00:02 Drew Chris. What's wrong with that?

1:00:04 Adam What's wrong with it? She looks like Tom Petty. That's what's wrong with it. She's got blue eyes and limp, straight hair. She's like, God, if the sun, if she walks near a sundial, she gets sunburned. The sun, she's, you know, she's got to wear a Panama hat.

1:00:21 Drew So Whitey doesn't deserve to study Chicano. Whatever she wants to do. That's fine.

1:00:24 Adam Listen, here's what I'm saying.

1:00:25 Drew Wait, wait, wait. There's something being reflected here, Mr. Sorry, buddy.

1:00:29 Adam Look, all I'm saying is nothing wrong with the Chicanos, but.

1:00:33 Drew Well, Chris, do you mean you've decided what your course of study is going to be? No, mine is communications. No, I know, but you remembered the other day I ran into you on Starbucks.

1:00:40 Adam What happened?

1:00:41 Caller I think it's going to be math.

1:00:42 Drew He was studying, he was getting advice on what courses he was supposed to. I could tell that's what he was doing.

1:00:47 Adam Yeah. Who is he talking to?

1:00:51 Drew The guy from The Karate Kid. The coach. The coach.

1:00:55 Adam You were talking to Mr. Miyagi?

1:00:57 Caller Yes.

1:00:58 Drew That's who he was talking to.

1:00:59 Caller Who's?

1:00:59 Adam Am I high? What's going on?

1:01:01 Caller That's not Mr. Miyagi.

1:01:02 Drew Does he not look like that?

1:01:04 Oh, look.

1:01:05 Adam There's any balding Asian guy who's over 65 and over 180 pounds looks like Mr. Miyagi. Let's face it.

1:01:14 Drew That's not who you were talking to?

1:01:15 Adam No. Drew, did you really think he was talking to the sensei from The Karate Kid?

1:01:19 Drew But he looked a lot like him. Or at least he did. The respect that Chris was showing him, which I've not ever seen in this studio, was reminding me of that sort of an interaction.

1:01:27 Adam Here's all I'm saying. Your wife drops out of junior college, and don't call it community college, call it junior college. It makes it easier to turn your back on. She goes to work, and you guys move out. You get a place. Yeah, yeah. Here's the whole thing about all that. Save up a few bucks and move out, and no one is ever really ready to move out. You just move out. And you make it work. Let me impart a little philosophy on everybody. I'm going to say this to you, Drew. Am I boring you, Drew? Yes. Go ahead.

1:01:55 Drew But I want the philosophy.

1:01:57 Adam Here's the deal. Chris, listen up, buddy. I'm here. Okay. People spend their lives sort of not overextending themselves. Like, I don't want to move out until I'm totally ready. That car, that car is about 80 bucks a month too expensive for me. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do that. Here's the thing. Go ahead and do it and let it motivate you. I know Drew thinks I'm irresponsible.

1:02:23 Drew No, no, no. Actually, you know what? You want to move out?

1:02:25 Adam You'll pay the bills.

1:02:26 Drew This is what happened when we moved in our house.

1:02:28 Adam What did I say to you?

1:02:29 Drew Just do it. Just do it.

1:02:32 Adam Let me, let me, let me.

1:02:33 Drew And to me, and somebody else said to me exactly what you were saying. They said, you know what? Just, you ought to challenge yourself and see if you can do it. I thought, wow, I never thought of that kind of move in those terms.

1:02:41 Adam Look, I will say this to everybody who's thinking about buying, who's been renting for the last 20 years. I have my electrician, Jose, bought himself a house in like Sun Valley. He's got a family in the whole bit. He came to me about three years ago. He said, Hefe? He calls me the Hefe. I like that. Yeah, he said, I got this house. It's out in Sun Valley. It needs some work. I'm thinking about buying, but I'm not sure because of the payment. I said, do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just go get it. Just go get it. And he said, well, I don't know. I'm really worried because I don't. I said, when have you not paid your rent? When have you not made your monthly payment? You always do. You always figure it out. You always, you know, as a human, you fantasize about failing much more than you actually ever fail. Drew, you spent a whole life creating elaborate fantasies about failure, yet you never fail. And that's only a, maybe you use it as a motivational tool. But it's always, how am I going to do this? Can I afford the car? You didn't want to get the car. You enjoy the car, but you didn't want the car. Now I know the house. Can I enjoy the house? No, you put the challenge in front of you and you step up. That's the kind of person you are. You're not some skid row junkie. You're a person who takes care of business. And I told this to Jose the Electrician. I said, get the house and you'll make it work. You'll figure it out. Believe me, you'll thank me. And every time I see the guy now, when I'm not yelling at him to put stuff in, he cursed me because his wife left him. He's destitute now.

1:04:06 Drew He's got the damn house now.

1:04:07 Adam I actually want to know if he could crash in my van. No, he says to me, first off, he bought the house for like 118 grand. It's worth 400 now, which is a nice chunk of change when you don't have anything in the bank, number one. And he just says, you're right. I just made the payment, just like I made the payment at the apartment. I worked a little harder. I figured it out. It motivated me and it's easy. I didn't even know why I even thought about it. And I hear people hemming and hawing about buying a condo or a house or a car. It goes on and on and on. The calendar pages fly by. 10 years goes by. Everything just goes up. That's right. Forget it. Just go do it and you'll make it work. Challenge yourself, I'm not saying go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. I'm saying move out of your in-law's house, get an apartment. You'll pay the bills. That's it. You roll your sleeves up. All right, now I got to nap and beat off.

1:04:53 Drew No, we got to call.

1:04:54 Adam Oh.

1:04:57 Drew Colleen, 17.

1:04:58 Adam Colleen? What's up, baby doll? Yeah.

1:05:06 Drew Good times.

1:05:09 Caller And she's had seizures from it before and like.

1:05:13 Drew That's bad.

1:05:13 Adam You have seizures from the withdrawal or what? The Valium withdrawal or just from the Valium?

1:05:18 Drew The Valium withdrawal. All right. And what's the question?

1:05:22 Caller It kind of freaks me out and I'm really worried about her, so.

1:05:25 Drew Yeah, you should be. She been through treatment?

1:05:27 Caller No.

1:05:28 Drew She has to go to treatment. This is not something that's gonna. I wrote a book. I wrote a book. No, no, listen. No, no, no, I wrote a book about this exact situation called When Painkillers Become Dangerous. And it's much more of a medical book, a sort of a specific discussion of exactly why this happens, how it happens, how you treat it, how you get somebody into treatment. I wrote it with a bunch of doctors with the Hazleton Organization. When Painkillers Become Dangerous. But Adam, earlier I was gonna say something about.

1:05:55 Adam Where can she find the book?

1:05:56 Drew Amazon or most bookstores should be able to order for you, but Amazon is fine.

1:06:00 Adam What's it called again?

1:06:01 Drew When Painkillers Become Dangerous. But I've.

1:06:06 Adam What should Colleen do? That's it?

1:06:07 Drew Hang on a second. Let me make a comment about that.

1:06:09 Adam Palatine?

1:06:10 Drew Let me finish my thought for a second. It was referring back to that crazy guy that was creating the chaos, the white dress. 12-step? Yeah, Colleen should go to Al-Anon or. Some sort of 12-step codependency treatment process and find an addiction specialist in your area who can maybe refer you to a treatment center. She'll need to be detoxed in a hospital. But I was thinking about this guy and his chaos. I know he's a jackass. That guy that was dating the ex-girlfriend and the Stephanie, remember Stephanie?

1:06:40 Adam Yes.

1:06:40 Drew A few calls ago. And I thought to myself, this statement, and I smell addiction too there too with that guy.

1:06:45 Adam I farted.

1:06:45 Drew Yeah, well. And I heard a great definition today of the difference between an addict and an alcoholic. An alcoholic will steal your money. An addict will steal your money and then come back the next day and help you look for it. You good?

1:06:59 Adam Hold on a second. Chris. Uh-huh.

1:07:03 Drew That was the best one, yeah.

1:07:05 Adam By the way, that's one of those ones, by the way, where you go, yeah, oh yeah. And then you walk away and you go, what the eff is he?

1:07:12 Caller What does that mean?

1:07:13 Adam I don't know, but it's solid.

1:07:14 Drew It's a good one.

1:07:15 Adam No, it's like, it's good, but it's not so good that you know why it's good. It's just good.

1:07:20 Drew It just is a subtle, any addict will start, will lie. All addicts lie, so alcoholics lie, all lie, but the addict, as opposed to the alcoholic, goes, he takes it to the almost absurd.

1:07:31 Adam Sociopath.

1:07:33 Drew They're not sociopaths because when the addictions get better, they stop all that stuff.

1:07:36 Adam Okay, hold on a second. What, yes?

1:07:38 Drew I can picture that, yeah.

1:07:39 Adam Ooh.

1:07:41 Drew Scary. Picture it.

1:07:43 Adam As you focus, hold on a second, let me say something. When you've mastered the a-hahs, then we can move in to the casual yes-ands in the conversation, you know what I mean? Like, hmm, I see.

1:08:00 Drew I see, I see, hold it, I see.

1:08:01 Caller I mastered the a-hah.

1:08:03 Adam No, no, no, we've not begun to master the a-hah. We need at least, I'll tell you, we need a good eight clean a-hahs.

1:08:13 Drew A-hahs or a-hahs? A-hah.

1:08:17 Adam A-hah. We need about a good clean eight ones, and then we can start getting to the a-hahs. See what I'm saying?

1:08:27 Drew Got it.

1:08:27 Adam Are you ready to rock?

1:08:28 Drew Let's go.

1:08:28 Adam Let's move on. Kristen? Wait a minute. Mm-hmm or a-hah.

1:08:38 Drew Here we go.

1:08:39 Adam There we are.

1:08:40 Drew What's up, Kristen? Yeah.

1:08:43 Hi.

1:08:43 Adam What's happening?

1:08:47 I'm sorry, I'm getting a little background.

1:08:49 Drew Okay, go ahead.

1:08:51 I have a question for Dr. Drew. I am a student at the University of Colorado, and I was actually inspired to call from a caller that called in a little while ago asking about Adderall. I was diagnosed when I was 15 with ADHD, and they had me on Adderall for the longest time, and I started abusing it. I'm pretty sure that they have me on a drug right now called Stratera. Supposedly, it's the only drug they have out there for ADHD that's not a stimulant, and I don't think it's working.

1:09:20 Drew Well, I've seen people abuse Stratera, so I don't let my patients use Stratera.

1:09:26 Adam Stratera!

1:09:29 Drew Now, it's mild, and it's not supposed to, but I've seen it over and over again, and it's a problem.

1:09:35 Adam All right. Let's take a little break.

1:09:36 Drew Yeah.

1:09:37 Adam Are we good?

1:09:39 Drew Yeah, I'd like to hear what else Kristen has to say. But if you are an addict, you should not be on stimulants, period. You should be in a 12-step program. You should be dealing with the addiction, and magically, a lot of your stuff will get better. ADD, ADHD, and the setting of addiction is routine. Pretty much all addicts have ADD, ADHD symptoms.

1:09:55 Adam Liz? You're 16?

1:09:58 Caller Yeah.

1:09:59 Adam Your boyfriend cheated?

1:10:00 Caller Yeah, he kissed this woman.

1:10:03 Caller She's like 30.

1:10:06 Caller His mom?

1:10:07 Adam Yeah, a woman. How old is he?

1:10:10 Caller How old is he?

1:10:11 Caller He's 18. So, I mean, I can understand you. That's pretty tempting, and I know how he is. He's pretty, you know, he's, he's flirtatious, you know. And I was just thinking, am I stupid for, you know, still being with him? I talked to his sister, and she even said, she's like, you know what, he really feels something for you. And like, even before we got together, we were like best friends. We were just great together, you know?

1:10:32 Adam He was standing next to her with a dry erase board, I feel. The part, you, picture of a sheep.

1:10:38 Drew Well, how did he, he was making out with a 30-year-old?

1:10:40 Adam Wait a second. Well, we're gonna figure out how Liz figured out her 18-year-old boyfriend got a little kissy-kissy on a 30-year-old. And you know, it's weird, but if you're young, the adult thing is kind of like, you get a little bit of a pass. Little bit.

1:10:55 Drew It's not really with somebody?

1:10:57 Adam Eh, you wouldn't say no. I mean, you know what I'm saying? For a guy.

1:11:03 Drew It has no reproductive potential.

1:11:05 Adam No, it's just, if you're 18 and your girlfriend's 16 and you start diddling one of her 16 or 17-year-old friends, you're screwed. If you do it with someone who's like the man, I mean, mom's like, here's the deal. When you're 16, remember what you thought? How old were 30-year-olds when you were 16? 130? Yeah. 700? Like Mark Twain age? You're 30. Let me tell you something. So when did you graduate high school? You've been out of high school for 14 years? Forget about it. You're done, 12 years. You're like, here's the whole thing. You could fathom people, here's how it went. When you're 16, there's people that graduated last year. There are people that graduated the year before that. You can go back like two years and then there's your mom and dad's friends. It just jumps up.

1:11:56 Drew Oh my God, look how everyone's dressed. Oh my God.

1:11:58 Adam You're just old. You go, graduate the year before, graduate the year before that, dad's friend from work. Dad's golf buddy. So the idea that you can get on with one of those people, I think you get a pass. All right, Drew, I mean, Chris, am I right?

1:12:15 Drew And Chris, did you see how I did that? See that? Taking notes?

1:12:19 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll get back with Liz and her cheating beau after this.

1:12:28 Caller Love Line will be right back, so get your problems ready.

1:12:58 Adam Huh, oh, I was just complaining. Hey, Drew, have you heard that before?

1:13:03 Drew You complain?

1:13:04 Adam Have you heard it?

1:13:05 Drew I'm thinking, I'm sort of confused by the question even.

1:13:10 Adam One time, Merwin went out to eat, and I ordered an iced tea. Yeah, didn't have passion fruit in it. Brought me Diet Coke. And then I said to you, boy, I wish I'd had the iced tea. I wish I'd brought me the iced tea, but I still drank the Diet Coke.

1:13:27 Drew Yeah, that was the most I've ever heard you complain.

1:13:29 Adam Yeah, that was it.

1:13:29 Drew That was it.

1:13:30 Adam Remember that time?

1:13:30 Drew Yeah.

1:13:31 Adam I think we're on the road. I'm not sure if we were in Cincinnati or where we were.

1:13:34 Drew Yeah, probably Cincinnati.

1:13:34 Adam That was about eight or nine years ago.

1:13:37 Drew I can barely remember it, but it was such a standout experience.

1:13:40 Adam It sounds familiar, right?

1:13:41 Drew Yeah, having you complain was just, I mean, I was so shocked that I remember to this day.

1:13:45 Adam Yeah, that was the only time.

1:13:47 Drew Yeah.

1:13:47 Adam Okay. Hey, everybody, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Back to the phones we go. We're going to speak to Liz, who's calling from beautiful Canoga Park, by the way, 71 degrees out there. Liz? Okay, so your boyfriend's 18, and he kissed a woman, a 30-year-old.

1:14:06 Caller Yeah.

1:14:07 Adam And how do you know?

1:14:09 Caller He told me because he-

1:14:10 Adam He told you, yeah, I was about to say he told you.

1:14:11 Caller Yeah.

1:14:12 Adam Because you can do that.

1:14:13 Caller Yeah, he actually broke up with me before he told me, and he lied to me. He said that it was because he's going to work and school and all this, and he's like, I don't think it's fair that I'm not going to have time for you, blah, blah, blah. And then later, a few days later, he came over and just admitted it to me.

1:14:28 Drew And the reason he broke up was that he'd been making out with a 30-year-old.

1:14:31 Adam Oh, he'd missed, he said kissed.

1:14:33 Caller Yeah, he kissed her once.

1:14:35 Drew Yeah, well, let's interpret that.

1:14:37 Adam I'm picturing a four-hour, 69 session. That's me.

1:14:43 Drew Yeah, what's he doing with a 30-year-old, Liz?

1:14:47 Adam Do they work together?

1:14:48 Caller No, his roommates, it's his roommate's best friend.

1:14:53 Drew How old is his roommate?

1:14:54 Caller His roommate is like 30-something.

1:14:57 Caller He lives with his family.

1:14:59 Drew What?

1:15:00 Adam She's living with his family?

1:15:02 Caller No, he's living with the roommate's family. She's like 30 years old, and she has kids and stuff.

1:15:09 Adam What's wrong with him? Why is he living with them?

1:15:13 Caller Oh, because he just moved out of his house.

1:15:14 Drew Oh, hold on, Adam. He's living with a 30-year-old family because he moved out.

1:15:20 Adam He moved out.

1:15:21 Caller He moved out of his house.

1:15:23 Drew Oh, his house, okay, got it.

1:15:25 Adam Slow down, slow down.

1:15:26 Caller He's renting the room.

1:15:28 Adam He moved out of his house.

1:15:29 Drew And he moved in and pays rent. Got that?

1:15:33 Adam Slow down, slow down.

1:15:34 Drew He moved out of his house, and he moved into hers.

1:15:38 Adam Why did he, okay.

1:15:40 Drew No, I got it now.

1:15:41 Adam Why did he move out of his house at 18?

1:15:44 Caller His family gives him a lot of problems. They're into his business, and it's too much. So he just decided to move out, and he's just renting a room.

1:15:54 Adam I'm guessing his business is stuff that they should be into because it's probably not good.

1:16:01 Drew And how did he end up with a 30-year-old family?

1:16:05 Caller Oh, because he had an ad in the newspaper.

1:16:08 Drew And now he's sleeping with her friend. That's weird.

1:16:12 Adam He's not sleeping, he's just kissing.

1:16:14 Caller Yeah, I'm sure he didn't, because I know him pretty good. I know that he can lie to me. I know when he lies. And I talk to his sisters, I talk to his mom. And they all know what's going on. I'm sure that he just kissed her.

1:16:31 Adam And there's probably a little more to him moving out of the house than parents being into his business. Parents probably found a hydroponic pot farm in his closet.

1:16:41 Drew And also when the probation officer showed up.

1:16:43 Adam What was he doing, growing weed?

1:16:47 Caller No, I know his family. They get in his business a lot. They even get in my business. And I'm not even part of the family. So he has all the reason in the world to move out.

1:16:55 Adam You're not a part of it. You're not his sister?

1:16:58 Caller No, and they still get in my business.

1:17:00 Adam They're like that. You're not related?

1:17:04 Caller No, hell no.

1:17:06 Adam I see. But they still get in your business? I don't trust this guy that much. I worry a little about you. You know, this guy's 18. You're 16. That's two years. That's a fairly big two years. But it's even bigger when the guy's living with the 30-year-olds. And believe me, this is white trash, these 30-year-olds he's shacking up with. I don't trust him at all. Where's the dad? Not his dad. Where's his roommate's dad?

1:17:37 Drew Wife, husband.

1:17:39 Caller He comes in and around. He doesn't live with them.

1:17:43 Adam I don't like these chicks. I'm smelling meth on these chicks. And look, whenever you have to rent the room out, there's trouble. And whose house is it? It's their parents' house, right? Who kicked off or something? Where do they get a house to rent out a room?

1:18:02 Caller Well, she was already living there. That's her house.

1:18:04 Drew How did she get it? How did she get the house?

1:18:08 Caller She makes good money. She's a nurse, I guess.

1:18:11 Caller She lives there with her two kids.

1:18:14 Adam Right. No, I got the part where she's renting the room out. I just want to know where she got a house.

1:18:21 Caller She made good money.

1:18:22 Caller She bought it.

1:18:23 Adam She had her parents killed. Something's screwy. And she's a nurse, so she's nuts. I don't trust it. I don't like this. And this is not right for you. How about you just date a nice high school guy? Why do you got to... You're 16. What do you got to be an old lady for? All right. Look, Liz, just please listen to me. I'm a genius. You're marginal. You're not a complete idiot, but you're 16. And you're calling from Canoga Park. So, there's got to... You can't be that smart. Here's the thing. Act like you're in high school, would you? Stop being such a grown up. This guy's trouble. He's going to screw with you. He's going to cheat. He's going to get you pregnant. Just find a nice 16-year-old guy from high school, plays on the football team.

1:19:09 Drew This is not a good situation.

1:19:10 Adam And start being a 16-year-old kid.

1:19:11 Drew But he broke up anyway. Let it go.

1:19:12 Adam And he broke up. Can he do that? All right. Listen, I can hear the white trash oozing from her pores. Yeesh. That's bad. Yeah. The whole grow up thing too fast. Disaster.

1:19:24 Drew But it's more than that, though. It's the chaos. Got to have the chaos and the drama and the...

1:19:29 Adam Yeah.

1:19:30 Drew You know, the sociopaths. I can't let go of a sociopath.

1:19:34 Adam No, no, no. No one can tell me anything.

1:19:38 Yes?

1:19:39 Adam You're 16? You're female? What's up?

1:19:47 Caller Here, about two or three weeks ago, I had an abortion done, and the guy that I was with when I had it done, he argued we fought, he hit, and I feel bad for what I did, but I don't...

1:20:04 Adam He hit? He hit you?

1:20:08 Caller Yes.

1:20:09 Drew Did you call the police?

1:20:10 Caller All the time.

1:20:10 Adam Don't call the police every time.

1:20:12 Drew You can stay away from this guy now?

1:20:14 Caller He's in jail right now.

1:20:16 Drew For hitting you?

1:20:18 Caller Not only that, but he was 21.

1:20:21 Drew For having sex with you?

1:20:22 Caller Yes.

1:20:24 Adam So, now what? By the way, present your dad with the Golden Boot to the Sack medallion. Would you please?

1:20:32 Drew The Corolla Boot to the Sack medallion.

1:20:34 Caller Yes.

1:20:34 Adam Give him a nice swift kick in the nuts if you ever see him again because he did a horrible job.

1:20:39 Drew Yes. What's your question?

1:20:41 Caller Okay.

1:20:42 Caller I just, I don't know if I did the right thing or not and I've just.

1:20:48 Caller My body's been sending me mixed emotions about the whole thing.

1:20:52 Drew I bet.

1:20:54 Adam All right. You did the right thing.

1:20:56 Drew Even though the sort of prevailing wisdom is that women don't have a depressive reaction or any kind of remorse after having abortion, I've never talked to a woman that doesn't have very, very strong feelings about it and their bodily based feelings more than some sort of morality issue. They feel the departure. Even early in the pregnancy, there's a relationship of some type, there's some sort of chemical reaction and when they go from pregnant to not pregnant, they feel an intense sense of loss.

1:21:27 Adam Of course.

1:21:28 Drew I've seen it a billion times. Every woman I take their history from, when I say how many times you're pregnant, they say six times. How many children you have? They say two. And I go, what happened to the other four? They look down, they remorsefully start tearing up. They react. Leave them alone, Drew. It was 30 years ago.

1:21:44 Adam Leave them alone. Don't ask about the other four. Come on.

1:21:47 Drew They could have been spontaneous abortions. I can document it.

1:21:50 Adam It never is. Leave them alone. It's not passing judgment.

1:21:52 Drew That's my point. If there were no reaction, it would react years later.

1:21:57 Adam How naive can we be?

1:21:59 Drew Believe me, the guys don't talk like that. The males are involved with it.

1:22:03 Adam How naive can we be to think that a woman can get into the state of pregnancy and then just have it vacuumed out of her and walk away free and clear physically and emotionally? Obviously, think about what a tall order that is for women.

1:22:19 Drew The point is we want to believe that, well, if we didn't have all the social conditions that we had that makes women feel the way they do, nonsense.

1:22:26 Adam Go, Drew.

1:22:27 Drew It's a profound biological shift. That's right, buddy. Tremendous, tremendous change in the physiology. You go, boy. Of course, as you say, Adam, it's a tall order to think that there'd be zero reaction to that, zero.

1:22:38 Adam Women freak out when they have their period, for Christ's sake. Imagine having their kid vacuumed out of their uterus. Jay. Yeah? You did the right thing, though. All that being said, you're 16. This guy's 21. He's a criminal. Now, here's the whole thing. Ah, let me say this to everybody. You have remorse. Fine. Don't spiral into some sort of shame or depression thing. Use this as a motivator. A, don't get pregnant again. I wish everybody could do this like, oh, you don't like this feeling. You had the abortion. It was expensive. It was emotional. It was physically taxing. Good. Remember this. Here's all. Here's everything. Ah, that's it. This is what I'm saying, Drew. Nothing is, is, okay, okay. This is a tragedy and maybe you'll carry this with you for some time, maybe forever. It becomes a real tragedy if you make the mistake again or if it doesn't serve as a motivator to do something. Sure. So, if this serves as motivation for you to get in better relationships, if this serves as motivation for you to use protection, if this serves as motivation for you to make something of yourself, then fine. It's still a tragedy, but it turned out to be a motivator that got you on the right track. If this just makes you depressed and you have more sex with more strangers with less protection and you get five more abortions, then you might as well just take yourself out now. So there, let it motivate you. Let all the F up things. Every time you F up, you get popped for a DUI, horrible thing, bad thing. Maybe it'll get you into treatment. If it gets you into treatment, it's a good thing. It really is. If it just makes you depressed and you want to drink more and you get another five DUIs, then it's a bad thing. You see what I'm saying? Use it. Use it as a tool. Am I right, Chris? Uh-huh. There you go. We'll be right back. Right after this. Drew, how much money do guys spend trying to get chicks into the billion? Yes. Cars.

1:24:49 Drew Everything.

1:24:50 Adam Condos. Everything.

1:24:51 Drew Hair plugs.

1:24:52 Adam All they need is a Max deodorant body spray and a million dollars. See ya. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Matthew Lillard, dear, dear friend Matthew Lillard, in here tomorrow night.

1:25:23 Drew My sons are gonna come here tomorrow night to meet him.

1:25:25 Adam Really? They're big Shaggy fans?

1:25:27 Drew They're Shaggy fans. They want to see the movie The Next Day, which opens without a paddle on Friday.

1:25:32 Adam That hasn't opened yet? Seth Green was in here like nine months ago plugging that thing. I know, I know. All right, well, that opens. It's funny, I was thinking, wow, that thing came and went. Poor Matthew's coming in here and hasn't come out yet.

1:25:46 Drew So in the Family Guy, I'm playing Seth's, Chris's rather, dermatologist.

1:25:49 Adam Ah, Seth Green's character. Yeah. Nice, what's he got? Do you get a zit?

1:25:53 Drew Of course.

1:25:54 Adam Beautiful.

1:25:54 Drew Zit that attacks him, makes him do it. It takes over his soul.

1:25:58 Adam Oh, it possesses him.

1:25:59 Drew And then tries to kill me, dermatologist.

1:26:00 Adam Wow.

1:26:01 Drew Yeah, it's a good time.

1:26:02 Adam Don't give too much away. Susan? You're 25?

1:26:07 Caller 25, I'll be 26 in a week from today.

1:26:11 Adam All right. Fabulous. Fabulous. That's always the first sign of crazy when they do the math. Turn 25, been eight months ago. It'll be eight months, I'll be 26. All right, what's up, baby doll? Here we go.

1:26:25 Caller Is Dr. Drew there?

1:26:27 Adam Yes, he is.

1:26:28 Caller Yes, okay. Well, in 1978, I was born. I was born with ambiguous genitalia. And basically, from what I have understood.

1:26:36 Adam 78, you say?

1:26:37 Caller I was born in 78, that's correct.

1:26:40 Adam All right.

1:26:41 Caller Okay, I was born with ambiguous genitalia. And basically, from what I can understand, a doctor pretty much had to decide my gender.

1:26:50 Drew They didn't test your gen? Whoa, whoa, whoa, bah.

1:26:52 Caller They had to, my genitals had not formed properly.

1:26:56 Drew No, I understand. Ambiguous genitalia, meaning ambiguous that you can't tell whether they're male or female. But I imagine they would do a testing, a cheek swab and look at your genetic material to see if you are male or female.

1:27:08 Adam Is that what they do?

1:27:09 Caller I don't know.

1:27:09 Drew I'm sure they did.

1:27:10 Caller I'm sure they did.

1:27:11 Adam Did they have DNA stuff going on back then?

1:27:14 Caller I'm sure they did and that's cool and they made me a girl and I'm a girl and I'm cool with that and everything. And basically the reason I'm calling is because I had to take hormones to replace what my body didn't have anymore. My breasts and my nipples when I have sex, it's so, I know most girls are sensitive, but I can't take it. I can't stand to have my nipples touched or played with or anything of that.

1:27:41 Drew Are you still taking the hormones?

1:27:42 Adam They're in a rod just sewn for me, by the way. I know, it's supposed to be sensitive nipples.

1:27:47 Caller I just cannot stand it. I mean, it makes me, I'm not tactile defensive or anything, but I just cannot stand the nipples being cut.

1:27:55 Drew Are you still taking hormones? Are you still taking hormones?

1:27:59 Caller I have to take it for the rest of my life.

1:28:01 Drew Why? I'm confused here.

1:28:03 Adam This is a little bit crazy. Not crazy.

1:28:07 Drew Happy crazy though.

1:28:07 Adam Not bad crazy, but what is about crazy people that gets them obsessed with dates? You know what I mean? They'll always do that. I left Vietnam on February 26th, 1971. I'd been there. I did my first tour in 1969. I landed in Atlanta, Mekong Delta, 6-9. I was there.

1:28:32 Drew 7 AM.

1:28:33 Adam March 21st, 7 AM in Atlanta, it's like, what is it with people that get kind of weird into that? Like if you ask me when I got married or how old I am or what my wife's name is, come on, ask me a question.

1:28:47 Drew When'd you get married? Yeah.

1:28:50 Adam Ask me what my wife's name is.

1:28:53 Drew What's your wife's middle name?

1:28:54 Adam You know, middle name? Come on, Drew, don't screw around, buddy. I don't know, what's her nose?

1:29:00 Drew What's her birthday?

1:29:03 Adam Whose?

1:29:04 Drew I believe it's coming up.

1:29:05 Adam What's her nose?

1:29:05 Drew So you better get to it. Yeah.

1:29:08 Adam I call her monkey nipples.

1:29:09 Drew I think there is a mix of grandiosity.

1:29:12 Adam Yeah, that's what it is.

1:29:14 Drew It's obsessive-compulsive.

1:29:16 Adam It's grandiose, but it's sort of crazy poor and grandiose.

1:29:19 Drew It's also trauma, because it's sort of etched in. You know, it's a...

1:29:22 Adam All right, baby doll, what do you do for a living, Susan?

1:29:25 Caller Oh, I'm a nurse and a sister.

1:29:28 Adam That always means nuts.

1:29:29 Drew And I don't understand why, if you had ambiguous genitalia, you'd be taking hormones. That suggests you had more...

1:29:34 Caller Because they took out my uterus, they took out my fallopian tubes, they took out everything that hadn't been completely formed. So, I mean, I'll never have children, I don't have a period, I have to take the hormones so that I don't get bone density problems.

1:29:47 Drew Were you, you weren't a hermaphrodite, true hermaphrodite, you didn't have testes also.

1:29:51 Caller No, no, no, I had nothing. I had, nothing was formed, so...

1:29:54 Drew Nothing was properly formed. All right, got it.

1:29:56 Caller I have both.

1:29:57 Drew Yeah, yeah, Susan, I gotcha, I gotcha. And that's why I was asking. All right, so you were sort of more than just ambiguous, you also had underdeveloped genitalia.

1:30:05 Caller Exactly, that's what, yeah, that's exactly what I had.

1:30:08 Adam All right, baby, Dom.

1:30:09 Drew All right, so you're taking hormones, maybe you're taking too much estrogen, maybe that's what's making the nipple sensitivity.

1:30:14 Caller You think that could be it?

1:30:15 Drew Yeah, maybe, that's sort of one of the side effects of too much estrogen.

1:30:18 Adam That's what happened to me.

1:30:20 Drew Yeah, Adam's got way too much estrogen in his system.

1:30:23 Caller Because I mean, I can't, you know, and when I have sex, I mean, people want to touch you.

1:30:29 Adam They want to grab nipples.

1:30:30 Caller Yeah, you know.

1:30:30 Adam Well, why don't you hook up with one guy and tell them to stay away from your nipples?

1:30:35 Caller That's another thing, I say, I'm gay, I'm not into guys at all.

1:30:39 Drew Oh, interesting.

1:30:40 Caller Yeah.

1:30:41 Drew Isn't that interesting?

1:30:42 Caller That is interesting.

1:30:44 Adam What's your ethnicity?

1:30:45 Caller I'm white.

1:30:47 Adam All right.

1:30:49 Caller Yeah, I'm white.

1:30:50 Adam All right, what are you driving? Pickup truck?

1:30:53 Caller I'm driving a Pontiac.

1:30:55 Adam Oh, that's bad. Yeah, all right, so you're into the chicks. I don't even know why. All right, here's the thing. Get with a chick and tell her to stay away from the nipples.

1:31:03 Drew Girls are much better than I would think the men.

1:31:06 Adam Oh, yeah. No, guys go at them. They go at nipples like they're trying to get milk, trying to get something out of them. Rob, I'm gonna rip the stuffing out of those things. Rob, you're 20. You're 20.

1:31:20 Caller Yeah, how you doing, Dr. Drew?

1:31:22 Adam Good, buddy, what's going on?

1:31:24 Caller I just got back from a deployment about a month ago and I was in Panama and I was with the lady of the night and my condom ripped and I've actually been pretty worried. Do not know who to go to. I don't know if I should go to the military doctor or find a doctor out in town.

1:31:41 Drew Well, I'm sure a military doctor's never seen a recruiter or an officer. No, never have.

1:31:45 Adam A prostitute in the history of the military. Yeah, Rob, why don't you do that? And by the way, Panama, he'll have a lot better in Iraq, right?

1:31:54 Caller Yeah, a lot better.

1:31:55 Drew You have any symptoms?

1:31:57 Caller I'm in the Navy right now and I'm on home on leave and I'm actually kind of scared. I was asking my older brother, what should I do? And he wasn't no help.

1:32:04 Drew Well, you have any symptoms, any problems?

1:32:07 Caller Not any symptoms, no problems. I'm just really worried with like HIV and stuff like that.

1:32:11 Drew I think it's worth getting checked out. I'm sure you're gonna be fine.

1:32:13 Adam What do you do in Panama?

1:32:16 Drew Am I boring you, Adam?

1:32:17 Caller Yeah, that's a place down there I went to.

1:32:21 Adam No, Panama, no, I'm here, but what do you do over there in Panama?

1:32:25 Drew What is the American military doing there, is the point?

1:32:28 Caller No, we just go there, dock at the old Air Force base, and we basically just, we stay there until we go through the canal.

1:32:34 Drew Just keep the canal open.

1:32:35 Caller We cruise the Atlantic Ocean and do...

1:32:37 Adam Oh, you just stopped in Panama and the ship went through the canal?

1:32:41 Caller Yes.

1:32:43 Adam What kind of vessel, you know what I'm saying? It's a frigate. It's a frigate. A frigate is somewhere, is it now beneath destroyer, size-wise?

1:32:53 Caller Yeah, it's one of the smallest ships in the Navy. It's about 453 feet long, 47 feet wide.

1:32:59 Drew I went through the Panama Canal about a year and a half ago. I told you people don't know it, it's a lake. You take locks up to the lake, go across the lake and then locks down. It's a man-made lake.

1:33:09 Adam It's a man-made lake. Yeah, I'm hip to the locks, but what's the lake part? I thought you just went through the canal all the way.

1:33:16 Drew No, it's a big lake in the middle you go across.

1:33:19 Adam I don't know if we can, so you get the frigate. Frigate's only 450 something, it's still pretty big ship.

1:33:25 Caller Yeah, it's pretty big, but it can maneuver. We can hold two helos on the ship.

1:33:31 Drew Two what?

1:33:32 Adam Helicopters. I don't know why a helicopter becomes a helo, it should just be a hella. But what do you do, what do you do?

1:33:41 Caller I'm a gunner's mate, I'm in charge of the Mark 75 gun.

1:33:45 Adam What's that one shooting?

1:33:48 Caller It's a three inch.

1:33:49 Adam Three inch? Big guns. What are you going after, aircraft with that thing?

1:33:54 Caller Aircraft, ships off the horizon, stuff like that.

1:33:59 Adam What's the range, like 28 miles or something?

1:34:03 Caller I'd say about 10 miles.

1:34:05 Adam Oh, that's it?

1:34:06 Drew That's amazing.

1:34:07 Adam That's accurate, yeah. Oh, accurate, yeah. Those battleships launch 2,000 pound shells like 26 miles.

1:34:13 Caller Yeah, we're actually getting rid of the missile launcher on the ship. We hold like, excuse me, we hold 80 rounds for the gun and like 20 something missiles in the front of the ship.

1:34:24 Adam Well, good times. And listen, God bless you, going through Panama, getting like, those poor guys in Iraq, like they gotta go through like, hey, how much for a hand?

1:34:31 Drew We gotta go.

1:34:33 Adam Uh, is that a dude or what are you wearing there? No, no, no, no. All right, we'll be back.

1:34:59 Caller This hour brought to you in part by Axe. Experience the Axe Effect.

1:35:18 Adam Wednesday . Well, that's it everybody, that's the show. Thanks for listening tonight. Matthew Lillard in here tomorrow night from Without a Paddle. And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, mahalo.

1:35:31 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Wednesday, August 18, 2004