Episode 1000637970747

1:08 Important, and this chick's reading them, going, this is important stuff, she's not doing it, and they're going, shh, quiet, don't rock the boat. It's a year after 9-11, by the way.

1:11 Adam I want to find out if they wouldn't like it, you know?

1:11 People make noise for the problem.

1:11 Beautiful.

1:12 Voiceover I thought you'd be outing, man. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised.

1:14 Drew I went to the Nuts on Deborah Norville tonight.

1:21 Voiceover With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:23 Voiceover Hey everybody! It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Mac's Headroom. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, Dixon Medicine Specialist. Drew, what happened, buddy? What happened tonight?

1:39 Drew Are you talking about the Deborah Norville thing?

1:40 Adam You want nuts on Deborah Norville?

1:42 Drew No, I just want a little nuts because...

1:43 Adam She's hot.

1:44 Drew Yeah.

1:45 Adam Let me tell you something. She's a sleeper. Well, no, I'm sure she's a pain in the ass, but what I'm saying is she slides under people's boner radar. Do you know what I mean? Like everyone's like, ah, there's that newsy chick. But take a good look at her. She's been pretty foxy, and she's not a young woman, but she's been damn foxy. I mean, on the air for like 10 years and foxy.

2:10 Drew So anyway.

2:10 Adam Yeah.

2:11 Drew She's hot, Drew.

2:13 Adam Don't give her a hard time.

2:14 Drew I wouldn't give her a hard time. I was just, you know, I was listening to these attorneys talk about the Mary-Kate Letourneau thing.

2:19 Adam What were you doing?

2:20 Drew I was gonna comment on that, and they're going, oh, it's just the love affair of the century. They're both adults. I thought, are you, what does the matter with people?

2:28 Adam Yeah, for those of you who've been living in caves, she was the school teacher that had the affair with the Samoan gangbanger, or at least that's what he looked like to me.

2:38 Drew That's what he became.

2:39 Adam No scarier 12 and a half year old, by the way. That's a 12 and a half year old look like put a number two pencil in your neck. Like you look at that kid and it's like, what? He's 12 and a half, he's supposed to have the mustache? Definitely not at you, by the way. When we start playing, definitely not at you when I'm done with my theme music.

2:55 Drew Yeah, he'll be on that list.

2:57 Adam Banging your hot school teacher at 12 and a half? Definitely not. Well, I'm gonna work it out.

3:02 Drew Do you think maybe he'll go for the little pencil mustache back there?

3:05 Adam I'm hoping, because that's a class look at any age. So he's, and by the way, when you're 12 and a half, 13, and you're banging, you're arguably, for a school teacher, hot, attractive woman.

3:17 Drew 35.

3:18 Adam Yeah, at the time, I think she was like 33. The point is, is your brain must be going off like a Jiffy Pop pan, you know what I mean? Just like, I couldn't even process what was going on if I was nailing that.

3:33 Drew No, that's right.

3:34 Adam And if you were telling me like, yeah, tonight, after school, we're gonna meet by the lake, I got my husband's car, the kids are, I did, huck, huck, huck, huck. But here's the other thing too.

3:44 Drew What that etches into your head though, you have that kind of experience with fold-outs.

3:48 Adam Let me tell you how long.

3:49 Drew That etch stuff in your brain.

3:50 Adam Let me tell you how long I could keep that under my hat, by the way. Because I would be on the top of my room, no, you know what I'd be doing? I'd be driving one of those old cars with the loud speaker on it, like old guys who are running for Senate.

4:02 Drew From some of the Latin American country.

4:04 Adam Hear he, hear the bell ringing, guess who's getting laid? Look out everybody, I would be on the roof, I would be shouting it from the mountaintops. Like you could not shut me up. Like if she said to me, look, I could lose my job, I will lose my job, I could do prison time. Do you understand? And whatever we have will be gone the second you open your mouth. It will disappear. Hello, hold on, hold on, I was on the phone talking to my friends about nailing it. What'd you say about, you cut me off? How's that go? I could not shut up about that for a second. I couldn't do it now. Could you, Drew, at 12 and a half, or 13, could you have shut up about that? Impossible.

4:45 Drew No, but not, I mean, I would not, I'd be walking around in a daze like a zombie. Like, what just happened? You know what I mean, like, huh?

4:52 Adam Yeah. You're like, what? He's banging her. Thank Christ the lady's got seven kids now. And by the way, at what point do we cut that privilege off? You know what I mean? Okay, here's the thing. I have a three and a half Heineken's drive home get pulled over, perhaps waiting on an arrow here in Culver City. I blow up.08, I do it again within a year and a half or two years. I lost my license. No privileges. You're danger, no, no, no. Danger. You can't, no, this is a privilege. You're not right. You're dangerous. We're taking it away. You'll be taking the bus.

5:27 Drew Dangerous society.

5:28 Adam That's right. After the six kid.

5:32 Yeah.

5:33 Adam It can't intervene?

5:35 Drew What's going on?

5:36 Adam Government can't say anything? Government is up our ass for everything. There's nothing the government doesn't crawl up our ass about. You can't smoke a butt on the beach.

5:44 Drew I know.

5:45 Adam Do you tell me this witch can't hit, she's on her sixth kid and no one's intervening?

5:50 Drew And by the way, the next piece of comedy was they show, they want to show how this kid is serious minded and interested in being a father. And they've got Matt Lauer interviewing him and he says, so how about the kids? What do you feel about that? And the kid goes, well, you can't really take that away now, but yeah, I love my kids, I want to be a...

6:09 Adam Sure.

6:09 Drew I thought, hey, you can't take it away. It's like, I'd undo it if I could. That's my take on fatherhood. I'd undo it if I could, but yeah, you can't. Now what are you gonna do?

6:18 Adam You know, Drew, if you had a magic wand, your triplets would have gone, but I can go away.

6:22 Drew I thought, and they were using that and really having a discussion about what evidence that was of what a serious minded father this was. Yeah. I thought, what? What is the matter with people?

6:31 Adam And what is it about the society that we're not able to label people idiots and incompetent and unable, or we're very, we're too quick to do it? You know what I mean? It's like, it's one or the other. It's like, see Jocelyn Elders, the surgeon general of the United States suggests that people wear condom. It's like, we gotta get her out of there. We gotta move, oh no, she's gone. You're gone, sweetie. Boom, yeah, get back in the kitchen, rattle them pots and pans. We're gonna strip the upper lefts off your crazy outfit. You're back, you're back. I'm gonna slap you with the white glove. You've been busted down to short order cook now. Right. But other people can just spit out, Courtney Love can do mounds and mounds and mounds of drugs for years and years and years and years. I mean, should we still get an interview? Oh, you're doing good, you're gonna stop now? Fantastic. Everybody gets a second chance and then some people get zero.

7:23 Drew Everybody has infinite capacity for change. Just ask Dr. Phil, who's being sued, by the way. Why? Because a guy with bipolar, who can't will his way out of his illness, is saying, hey, this is against American with Disabilities Act, this is not right. You won't let me on your show because I have a mental illness that can't be willed away.

7:41 Adam He won't let him on a show?

7:42 Drew No.

7:43 Adam See, this show only puts mental patients on the show. Of course. We could be sued by sane people for not being represented on this show.

7:53 Drew All right, let's get to some All right, let's go, let's break it down.

7:55 Adam What do you say now? Let's go, let's get a hand in it. Hey, take a knee now. Hey, that helmet, gentlemen? And they use that term loosely. That helmet, not a chair, not a chair. Take a knee, grab a knee, break it down.

8:08 Drew How did- Here we go. Seth seemed last night, Seth Green.

8:11 Adam Seth seemed good.

8:12 Drew Yeah, he did seem good.

8:13 Adam Yeah, why are you asking that?

8:15 Drew Just because he seemed more into the show than usual.

8:18 Adam Seth, he's always been into the show, but I think the show scared him.

8:23 Drew In the past.

8:24 Adam Well, the first time he's on the show, he was seven.

8:26 Drew No kidding.

8:28 Adam Yeah.

8:28 Drew It's actually accurate.

8:29 Adam He was starring as the baby from Ally McBeal, the dancing baby.

8:33 Drew He was doubling for the Olsen twins.

8:35 Adam That's the first time. It's Olsen twins stunt double. You know, when the baby, when the coaster, what do you call it, the stroller. The stroller got loose on one of the hills of San Francisco. That was Seth in there. All right. Kelsey?

8:53 Drew Yes?

8:53 Adam You're 14? Oh, Kelsey the chick.

8:57 Drew Kelsey the guy's name?

8:59 Adam Kelsey Grammer. I played football with a guy named Kelsey.

9:03 Drew Really? There you go.

9:04 That's a guy and a girl's name, both.

9:06 Adam But there's more Kelsey dudes than are Kelsey chicks.

9:08 Drew I've only known girls, but you're right.

9:11 Adam Go ahead, Kelsey.

9:13 OK, I was in my dad's car that I was putting clothes away and taking some downstairs to be washed. And I found porn in there. I was just wondering how I should approach them about it.

9:22 Adam What kind of porn?

9:24 There were just like the kind that were in magazines, but like letters and sexual letters and stuff.

9:31 Adam Sexual letters, like vows?

9:33 Drew That's your mom's porn.

9:35 Adam Maybe it's like forum or something?

9:38 I have no idea.

9:39 Drew That's words. What do you mean the letters? That means it's the mom's.

9:44 Adam Dear Jack Rake.

9:45 It was in his closet.

9:47 Adam All right, well, what are you doing taking his clothes down for?

9:51 I don't know. They were dirty.

9:53 Adam You do laundry around the house?

9:55 Drew Don't you think she should be counting her blessings that she didn't find some bizarre, something weird?

10:00 Adam Yeah, are you lucky you didn't find a hooker's head? That's why I never went to my dad's closet.

10:06 Drew Your dad's closet?

10:07 Adam Are you kidding? I never went to my dad's closet because I was scared I wouldn't find porn. I didn't want to be horrified. Oh, there's nothing. No porn. Look on my face.

10:16 Drew A bunch of sweaters with pads on their elbows. Oh my God.

10:20 Adam A pair of platform shoes from the 70s. Pants that lace up in the front and the back.

10:26 Drew Now, Kelsey, so look, he's a person. It's normal. It's unfortunate that this sort of exposed you and sort of popped your bubble about how to idealize him.

10:34 Adam You really want to conf...

10:35 Drew No, no, you don't want to.

10:36 Adam I don't even believe her.

10:38 Drew You don't want to say anything.

10:39 Adam I think this is bogus. What are you going to do? You're 14, you're not some Taliban wife or something. You live in the United States, you got a computer, right?

10:49 Caller I listen to you guys.

10:50 Adam You listen to us, so you find a magazine in your dad's closet and want to know how to confront him?

10:56 Caller Like about it, it's sort of awkward, I don't know.

10:59 Adam Does he know you saw it?

11:01 Caller No.

11:02 Drew Where's your mom?

11:07 Adam Okay, listen.

11:07 Drew Yeah, but could you talk to her about this?

11:09 Adam No, don't talk to anybody.

11:11 Drew She had a close relationship with me.

11:12 Adam You're going into high school next year, right?

11:14 Drew Yeah.

11:14 Adam All right, listen, children should be seen and not heard. Kelsey, just quiet down and go to high school and be quiet, would you? All right. Here's the thing, here's what I'm saying, Drew. I don't want to make everyone's problem a problem when it's not a problem. No, I completely agree with you. I really wish more people in our position would just go, oh, shut up and sit down, get lost, we got bigger problems.

11:38 Drew Yes, I agree we should do that with her and then say, look, it's normal. If you find something about your parents' sex life, it's gross, but yes, thank goodness they have one and they love each other and there you go. You don't want to think about it, but okay, don't think about it anymore. Go on, move on.

11:53 Adam My dad didn't have so much as a Sears catalog. He had nothing, zero. Big fat goddamn zero. The only thing that really could have saved my childhood is if my dad had a couple of porn magazines somewhere. Nothing. You know why my dad didn't have porn magazines? Because that would have been something.

12:15 Drew Would have required a pulse.

12:17 Adam It would have acquired something. It would have meant there was something and there was only nothing. You know what I'm saying?

12:24 Drew But didn't you, during your dumpster, what did you guys call it? Dumpster diving?

12:28 Adam I would go trash picking.

12:29 Drew Trash picking. You must have found stuff.

12:31 Adam I found porn.

12:33 Drew And that's probably what motivated you to do the trash picking, right?

12:35 Adam Yeah, a lot of it was going after spent penthouses and occasionally they had a magazine called Wee.

12:42 Drew Oh.

12:43 Adam I couldn't pronounce it. I think they called it Oye or Oye or something.

12:45 Drew Who Wee?

12:46 Adam Yeah, it was O-U-I.

12:47 Drew Which is Wee.

12:48 Adam It was Wee. It was very international. Is that how the French spell Wee?

12:51 Drew Yeah.

12:52 Adam Wee, Wee? All right, could you figure the Wee out? Well, you spoke French, right? You knew the Wee. Should have clued me in. I was calling it Oye.

12:59 Drew What was bizarre for me was people kept talking about Owee and I was like, what? What is that? What are they talking about?

13:03 Adam Yeah, very cool. Very international. Used to find that one every once in a while. Once in a while, you'd find the old nudie papers, like the star and stuff, you could see where, there's something like, listen, here's the thing. When you're beating off to advertisements, that's bad. You know what I mean? Like the picture in the back, the topless chick, you want a nice rub down.

13:27 Drew How about you with the raft picture at the pool supply store? That must have been embarrassing.

13:34 Adam Was at the Big Five, actually, sporting goods, but yeah.

13:38 Drew Taller aisles there, though, right?

13:39 Adam Wesley?

13:43 Caller You're 14? You're 14?

13:45 Caller Yeah.

13:45 Caller What's up?

13:46 Caller Yeah, I was just wondering if there was any chance of you getting on Celebrity Boxing?

13:53 Adam I was gonna do that Celebrity, well, they don't do it anymore.

13:58 Caller On NBC, it said there was gonna be a Celebrity Boxing 2 thing.

14:02 Adam Oh, really?

14:03 Drew Yeah, you should do that.

14:04 Adam I didn't hear about that. Are you sure? Because I think they may just be one of those new boxing shows, they're doing all those boxing shows.

14:12 Drew Oh, yeah, they...

14:13 Adam Fox is doing one, Sylvester Stallone is doing one.

14:17 Caller Well, it said that and then it was talking about the next great champ.

14:21 Adam Yeah, yeah, that's a different show. Yeah, that's not Celebrity Boxing. But yeah, they did, they called me once and they were like, you gotta fight China. And I said, that's over a billion people. And they said, no, no, no, no, they're small. I'd probably take half the country, but I don't think I'd take them all, especially.

14:41 Drew Take too long, now you can do half our show.

14:43 Adam Well, you're fighting China. Imagine if everyone just had one throwing star. Do the math, over a billion throwing stars coming at you. You can't avoid those kind of throwing stars. Then they said, no, China the wrestler, who's a chick, and I said, I'm not gonna fight a chick. And they're like, oh, you're scared? I was like, no, I'm not. But it's kind of lose-lose, because if she knocks you out, then the chick knocked down. Then if you knock her out, you just beat up a chick. And they're like, well, she's bad, she's serious. That was the thing about boxing, too. It's like everyone's attitude gets woven into the thing. It's like, she's tough, she's badass, she's serious. You have your seat, she got a tattoo. It's like, what the hell difference does that make? I'll beat her ass. And they're like, she's a big, she's a big gal. Like, okay, she's 5'8, 173, I'm 6'2, 195. So, she has a size advantage? She's big for a kick.

15:43 Drew She's never boxed before either.

15:44 Adam She's never boxed before. I'm like, look, it's a sport. That's one I've done for a long time. Oh, okay, so you're scared. Nah, I just, I don't wanna, it's a sport. I'm better at it than her, and I don't wanna hit a chick and find a guy, just go find a guy. All right, Joey Budafu go whacked around the rink, and Joey Budafu was like throwing elbows and hitting after the break and hitting after the bell, and it was like, you couldn't have like, the only thing, it really couldn't have got, I mean, he literally did everything but drop an elbow on her, you know, hit her with a folding chair after she went down. It was really, it's like sad. Anyway, that's my celebrity boxing story.

16:21 Drew There you go.

16:21 Adam Wanna talk to Brandy? Brandy?

16:24 Oh.

16:26 Adam Hold on, let me say this too. Well, I saw, I'm thinking about these Kung Fu movies. I got this new movie, Hero, coming out with Jet Li in it. There's all this sort of, from the makers of Crouching Tiger and Hidden Dragon and all that stuff. Look, here's the thing. You can't run across a pond, you know what I mean? Since when, by the way, was everyone infused with the power to like jump up in slow motion, turn a double backflip and land again? And now it's not only in the Cosmic Kung Fu movies, it's also in like Charlie's Angels and stuff, where it's like, you shoot at me, we do it in slow motion, I see the ripples of the air as the bullet moves in ultra slow motion toward me, then I, moving the same speed the bullet is, so that we're both in slow motion, but it's like taking two cars going down a drag strip at 120 miles an hour, you run it in slow motion, they're still both at the same pace. The bullet is going faster than the speed of sound, I'm moving about 11 miles an hour. That's the difference. If you can see the bullet going through the air and the ripples going around, you wouldn't see my heart beat. The bullet would strike me in the chest and my chest would explode. I don't get to jump up in slow motion and do a slow spin around it or push the ambassador's daughter out of the way as the bullet is in the air just because you slow it down. Because we slow down at the same speed.

17:53 Drew Yes.

17:54 Adam Yes?

17:55 Drew Yes? The infinite wisdom of cinema.

17:58 Adam If a rocket sled was passing an old guy on one of those Lark things you see at the grocery market and you slowed it down, would they both be going the same speed?

18:08 Drew Both be going extra slow.

18:12 Adam So here's the thing too. Now every movie and every karate movie, people get to run up the wall, do a split, jump in the air and do these weird triple axels while they jump to the second floor of the building, but then we're supposed to believe if the sword hits them it can cut them and if the guy punches them in the face it'll knock them down, but which is it? See that's the whole thing. You guys are doing hand combat, but yet I can jump to the top of a three story building doing somersaults in the air. So I don't go for that.

18:44 Drew Drew, don't go.

18:45 Adam Drew, no go?

18:46 Drew No go.

18:46 Adam No, it's either on or it's off.

18:48 Drew No, even the Kill Bill stuff, while I appreciated the sort of stylistic fantasy, the fights were like, ugh.

18:56 Adam We'll just make it a regular fight, but you can't jump to the second story.

18:59 Drew You can't also have 87 guys with swords and guns defeat one.

19:04 Adam Look, as long as it plays, it plays. Do whatever you want. Swing from the chandelier, do whatever you want, but you can't jump up to the 40 foot chandelier. You understand?

19:13 Drew Agreed.

19:13 Adam And by the way, speaking of that sound effect you just played there, Anderson, go ahead, play it again. I don't need that sound every time a guy pulls a knife from his sock. It's like every time a knife comes out, it doesn't make the shing. I pull a knife out of the wooden rack it's in at my house and it's shing, and you pull it out of your leather knife all the way, shing, you got one tucked in your waistband, you're wearing sweatpants, shing, no, no, it's got to be against other metal, yeah, all right. I'm gonna get into what else is wrong too. Brandy? Had a long talk at the office today about washing up on the beach.

19:53 Drew What's going on, Brandy?

19:56 Oh, I'm 14 and I'm pregnant.

20:03 Drew Fabulous. Do you have a question?

20:07 Adam Yeah, who got you pregnant?

20:10 Okay, well me and my boyfriend got in a fight.

20:14 Drew How old is your boyfriend? How old is your boyfriend?

20:19 19.

20:20 Drew Of course. 19 and 14. Yeah, keep going.

20:27 Well, we were planning on moving in together because we were going to go get married and it really became a challenge. And I got off work early because I was happy and everything and I came home and he was.

20:46 Adam If you're in a good mood, you get to leave work early? Hey, boss, I'm feeling extra jovial today.

20:52 Caller Can I cut out?

20:52 Drew I got off work today because I was happy.

20:55 Caller All right.

20:58 Drew Where are your parents?

21:00 Adam Where are your parents? Country Bear Chamber. One place, the washboard, there place, the.

21:08 Caller Yeah.

21:09 Adam All right, Brandy. All right, let's cut to Chase. So he got you pregnant and now what? What do you want to do?

21:15 I caught him cheating on me.

21:18 Adam Ooh, there's where it gets, this is where the plot thickens, right? So you cut out early because you're in a good mood.

21:26 Caller What kind of work?

21:27 Drew What kind of work do you do?

21:28 Caller Yeah.

21:30 Drew Brandy? Brandy?

21:39 Adam Brandy.

21:41 Drew She's uttered something and then disappeared. Brandy? Oh, there we are.

21:45 Adam She's back.

21:46 Drew Where'd you go, by the way?

21:47 Caller Oh, okay, gotta get them out of there.

21:54 Adam All right, just pick up some of the, imagine you got like a dirt floor.

21:59 Caller Pick up like a rock and throw it at them.

22:01 Drew Yeah, throw some dirt in the ceiling.

22:03 Adam So you caught him cheating.

22:06 Drew Sure thing happens in fight. Dirt paralyzes people.

22:08 Adam Blinds you.

22:09 Drew Blinds you, yes.

22:10 Adam You caught him cheating.

22:12 Drew Right?

22:13 Adam Right, because you came home early.

22:14 Yeah, with my cousin.

22:17 Drew With your cousin.

22:18 Adam Right, but luckily you had another cousin that you could.

22:22 Caller No.

22:24 Adam All right.

22:24 So I called one of my friends and we went to a party and I saw one of my brother's best friends there and he, I mean, I grew up with him basically and he was like another brother to me and we got talking.

22:45 Drew That's what you do with your brother?

22:47 Caller Right, I see.

22:48 Adam Okay, well if you're reminded of your brother, that's.

22:50 Drew Makes perfect sense.

22:51 Adam Right. So he had sex with you and got you pregnant.

22:55 Well, no, yeah, that's it, but it's not like I wanted to. I mean, it just kind of happened.

23:00 Adam No, I know. Wasn't payback for catching him.

23:02 Drew Yeah, you could tell you didn't want to. Yes, of course. 14, 14.

23:04 I didn't even want to, I just, I don't know.

23:11 Drew Okay, listen.

23:12 Adam He was drunk.

23:12 Drew Where are your parents?

23:13 Adam He was drunk. I didn't, by the way, when you're making excuses about, and you're saying like, I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't want to do this, you're the one who's supposed to be drunk, not him.

23:23 Caller Right. All right.

23:25 We were both, I'm sorry, I'm not.

23:27 Drew 14, drunk.

23:28 Adam Okay, so what's going on? What's the plan? Your plan, because you got like a crazy albino white trash life ahead of you. And plus, oh, is your name, your name's Brandy?

23:39 Yeah.

23:41 Adam That is a second only to Cammie on the crazy white trash scale of horrible names.

23:48 Drew I thought I had the stripper in.

23:49 Adam No, Brandy's a disaster. Brandy, listen, you name your girl Brandy, you're asking, somebody's just recycling about as good as they can do. I mean, to Brandy, you just can't.

24:02 Drew Where are her parents? I'm just curious. Where are your folks? Where are your parents?

24:08 Oh, well, right now, that's who I'm living with that no one knows except for one of my friends.

24:13 Adam All right. How far along are you?

24:17 Well, that happened about two months ago.

24:20 Drew So you're two months pregnant.

24:22 Adam You could say two months, by the way. Two months, right? All right. All right, you have to get an abortion so you can give this kid a chance.

24:30 Drew Or you have to give it up for adoption.

24:32 Adam Oh, yeah. Okay.

24:34 Drew That's the other option.

24:35 Adam Yeah, I'm thinking, but it's kids still going to have a better life if they have the abortion than if it gets raised by the McCoys or the Hatfields. I don't know which one you are.

24:43 Drew Brandy, could you talk to your parents about this? Yeah, no. Yes, you. What's the plan? Are you going to wait till you're actually showing the pregnancy?

24:55 Adam How about you get an abortion? How about that?

24:57 Drew Well, that's almost too late too.

24:59 Adam Almost. But not if you act quickly. How about that, Brandy?

25:04 Well, my friend got one and she said she hasn't stopped thinking about it since she's pregnant.

25:10 Drew That's true. There's a lot of consequences.

25:11 Adam It's been a whole five weeks.

25:13 Yes.

25:13 Drew It's tough.

25:14 It's tough.

25:15 Adam But don't worry. Your friend, she'll hatch out nine kids and she'll forget about it by kid number six. Brandi, how about you go to Planned Parenthood or as they have in Arkansas, Planned Possumhood? It's just a little twist. It's manned by possums. They're very wealthy? All right. That's the whole thing, though, in Arkansas, a house is like $3,500, so if you're bringing down 20, you're doing well. You're very wealthy.

25:47 Drew It's all right. Whatever. She got a family, anyway.

25:49 Adam Brandy.

25:50 Drew What is wrong with her? Something horrible happened here.

25:53 Adam Can you stop acting out? You're 14. You're getting drunk. You're sleeping with guys. 19-year-old. You've got a 19-year-old boyfriend.

26:01 Drew Come on.

26:01 Adam Get it together, sweetie, and you can take charge of your life right now. Just go see Planned Parenthood.

26:08 Drew You need some professional help, because you were going down a path that is extremely destructive. This is just the beginning, and you may have a child in your hands here.

26:16 Adam Yes, all right.

26:18 Drew This is the Corolla story.

26:20 Adam Yeah, my sister ran away when she was about 14. It was a good time. Listen, you just don't understand that some parents just are not parents. They're just laissez faire. My parents just let me do whatever I wanted.

26:31 Drew I can't imagine that.

26:33 Adam Just do what you want, but if you screw up, you take care of it, that's all. All right, we'll take a little break. We'll be right back.

26:41 Dude, you got issues.

26:44 1-800-LOVE-191 Before the Olympic Games begin, catch the biggest spectacle of all.

26:50 Adam Is it'll pop? It usually perfectly pops back. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew over there. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Wanna give a shout out for a new season of Crank Anchors on Comedy Central this year. Yeah, Bertram's got a good call coming up this Tuesday. Actually be on tonight if you hear the show on a delay. That's why I say it tonight, Drew. Tuesday's Comedy Central. What's up there, buddy? You ready to rock? Let's get it on. Let's break it down. Let's get it on. Hey, Chris, you ready to get it on? Let's get it on, buddy. It's very exciting.

27:44 Caller Ah.

27:46 Drew Here we go.

27:48 Caller Kelly?

27:48 Yes?

27:49 Adam You know, I was thinking, Chris, Chris responds like a crowd would sound, except for he's only one guy.

27:55 Drew Yeah.

27:55 Caller Right!

27:58 Adam Am I right? When do we want it?

28:02 Caller And who do we want?

28:03 Adam But he's just one guy. All right. Chris, you ready to get it on, buddy?

28:09 Caller Ha ha ha.

28:12 Adam That was Anderson. Fast-fingered Anderson, yeah. Seriously, ready to get it on?

28:19 Drew Oh, he can do it and drink.

28:20 Adam He drinks coffee.

28:21 That's what I'm used to, whatever.

28:23 Caller Mm-hmm.

28:23 Drew It's good.

28:24 Adam Kelly?

28:26 Caller You're 22.

28:27 Drew Yeah.

28:27 Caller You ready to get it on?

28:30 Drew What's up, Kelly?

28:31 Caller Yeah.

28:31 Drew Kelly's an abuse victim.

28:33 Caller Oh, yeah.

28:33 Drew That's a short way to talk to her.

28:34 Caller Oh, yeah.

28:36 Drew What's up?

28:38 Caller Hi. I just kind of wanted to know, I was an abuse victim, as you said, when I was growing up by my father. Recently, some of my friends and coworkers and stuff just in discussion have said that they think I should go to therapy. And I really feel like I'm at a point where, I mean, I'm sure therapy is always good, but where I'm doing fine for myself and I'm past all like this.

29:04 Drew Why do you think your coworkers would have brought that up if there weren't some evidence?

29:08 Adam They're jealous, they're petty and jealous. You know people are, Drew. They want what you have. They wish they were molested.

29:14 Caller Well, no, I mean, I'm sure it's because they want what's best for me.

29:17 Drew That, or are they seeing things that lead them to believe you'd be benefiting from therapy?

29:23 Adam Well, why would they say that by the way? What kind of place do you work at?

29:26 Caller A veterinarian hospital.

29:29 Adam Oh, so you're in, you're working closely with people.

29:31 Caller Yeah.

29:32 Drew Are they noticing your mood liability or sort of easy tears from this?

29:36 Caller I've worked there for four years and I'm pretty close with most of the people there. Is when I confronted him, so.

29:44 Drew Your dad? Yeah. How'd that go?

29:46 Caller Well, at first, he was really apologetic and admitted to most everything in front of my mom and my sister.

29:54 Adam Oh.

29:55 Caller And then once it became that my uncle and the rest of my family were gonna fall out, he did a complete 180 back to how I was a liar and a bitch. So I was basically, okay, yeah, I gave you an opportunity, you screwed it, so I don't need to talk to you anymore.

30:09 Adam Well, here's the thing, probably best that he didn't apologize and give you that satisfaction because then you would feel guilty for resenting him and hating him for the next 50 years. You know what I'm saying?

30:21 Drew He deserves to be hated.

30:21 Adam He should never be let off the hook. And it only becomes confusing when these guys apologize because one side of you hates them and the other side wants to accept their apology because they're your father.

30:33 Drew I'm not a fan of this confronting the perpetrator stuff.

30:36 Adam It always, always sucks.

30:37 Drew I really think that the goal is to make a cohesive narrative of your trauma, to incorporate it into some sort of narrative about your life where you understand that you were the victim of a sick person, happened to be your father, one of those things.

30:51 Adam So it's like you distance yourself from it? It's like you saw a movie of someone getting molested?

30:55 Drew You assume, no, quite the contrary. That's the way she feels about it now. On the contrary, you accept it for what it was, all the pain and confusion that went with it, but you don't feel responsible for it. You don't take it on as something about yourself that caused it. You realize there was a sick person you were exposed to, a person that you love very deeply, and so you have very ambivalent feelings about, and try to make sense of it all for yourself, however you do that for yourself. That does nothing to do with confronting the perpetrator. And it takes a lot of work to do that. It's not something you can do by yourself. It doesn't happen by yourself.

31:26 Caller All right, here's the thing.

31:28 Adam And he sexually molested you for a number of years?

31:31 Drew Yes.

31:32 Adam Um, how many years? 10 years?

31:37 Caller Well, there was physical and emotional abuse.

31:42 Adam By the way, your mom deserves a nice, swift heel in the groin, too. You know what I'm saying?

31:50 Caller She was that to an extent, but she has literally mental issues. Her whole family has, so.

31:56 Drew No doubt, no doubt.

31:58 Adam All right, so here's the deal. Okay, your dad's an idiot, good. He didn't apologize, fine. It'd be nice if he just, something landed on him, like a piece of space debris or something while he was sleeping. I mean, it'd just be nice if he'd just kill himself. Here's the thing, whatever he says to your aunts and uncles, he knows he molested his child. He's got a kid that doesn't talk to him. And if that bothers him good, it should. And if it doesn't, then he's like a reptile.

32:25 Drew By the way, way too much in our society of this, well, he's gotta live with that. Listen, these people do these things because it feels right to them. It feels good to them. They don't, they've joined NAMSR or NAMBLA or whatever the hell, and they start defending that it's a good thing and it feels right. And how dare you say they should feel guilty? I mean, listen, that's the problem here. Other people don't exist to them, very often.

32:49 Adam Well, that's why I suggest they put a shotgun in their mouth or somebody just puts a bullet in their head. I have zero problem with that, by the way, cosmically. But, uh.

32:56 Drew Kelly, do you have a question about this?

32:58 Caller Well, basically, I wanted to know, which I think you already answered, if, no matter what, you need therapy.

33:07 Drew Yeah.

33:07 Adam You need therapy.

33:08 Drew Yeah. It's a shattering experience, absolutely.

33:12 Adam All right. Now, you work at the, for the vet.

33:15 Caller Uh-huh.

33:15 Uh-huh.

33:16 Adam How much for the spade and the neuter?

33:19 Caller Dog or a cat?

33:21 Adam A dog.

33:23 Caller How much does it weigh?

33:25 Adam 60 pounds. 60 pounds.

33:27 Caller A spade would probably be like 280, and a neuter would be like 200.

33:33 Caller Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

33:35 Adam Now, I'm an ag-foot, Drew. That's the.

33:38 Drew Animal Abuse Society.

33:42 Adam No, no, it's like, you know, they have, it's basically an association for circus performers.

33:50 Drew Oh, yeah, really.

33:51 Adam Pretty good medical care.

33:52 Drew What do you do in the circus?

33:54 Adam Plate spinner.

33:54 Drew Plate spinner? Oh, that's good.

33:56 Adam Yeah. Well, it's all stage people.

33:57 Drew I thought it was Mr. Elastic Scrotum. I thought you did some crazy stuff.

34:00 Adam Oh, I do Mr. Elastic Scrotum. That's right, that's right. I forgot about that. Yeah, puppetry of the scrotum. That's right. The point is, is I entertain on stage. It's for clowns and people like that. Of course. I just want to know, so the insurance will cover it. All right, you have to euthanize any dogs or cats recently?

34:18 Caller Yeah. I'm part of the job.

34:21 Adam That's a bummer, people crying over their old dogs and stuff. All right, you should, I'm not sure, and then what do they do with it? They incinerate the animal?

34:32 Drew Send the stuff back.

34:34 Adam Drew, oh, in ashes? Drew, you had to put your cat down recently, right?

34:38 Drew Yeah, I'm so, I'm so incensed with veterinarians. I've had such moderately.

34:42 Adam Well, they wanted 80 bucks for something.

34:44 Drew No, no, it's not just that.

34:45 Adam Cat was fine. I mean, the cat was a young cat. It has actually just been a lower paw sprain and Drew said put him down.

34:53 Drew I don't like the non-thinking stuff. Don't use your brain.

34:56 Adam What do you mean?

34:56 Drew Don't, you know, I had to say things like, a cat comes in short of breath and it's, well, I think the fluid line is, okay, what are the possibilities? Well, cancer, kidney failure, liver failure, heart failure. Right, I knew that.

35:06 Adam Can't you work on a cat, Drew?

35:09 Drew Evidently, I could, because I knew exactly what was going on.

35:11 Adam Yeah, you're a person. It's like someone who works on a space shuttle, can't fix a golf cart.

35:14 Drew It's a little different. But anyway, so they go, he goes, well, I can't tell you what's going on here. Could be a lot of things, things like a tree. And I go, I go, first of all, how long, what's the life expectancy of this cat? 14 years. How old is this cat? 15. Okay, well, let's start from that.

35:29 Adam How do they know how old the cat is?

35:30 Drew He looks at the chart.

35:32 Adam Oh, looks at the chart. Oh, I've had him for that long.

35:34 Caller Wow, all right, yeah, 15.

35:37 Drew Yeah, I was like, keep the cat comfortable. Keep him comfortable. God, I put a needle in his chest. I put the needle in his chest. Now the cat's going crazy uncomfortable, short of breath, gasping for air. And I said, hey, give him a pneumothorax. Well, how? Where'd the air come from?

35:48 Adam Oh, Drew, dropping the pneumothorax.

35:51 Drew You nicked his lung with the needle.

35:54 Adam And then did you yell at him, like throw him on the wall, and you tell him, stop playing God, man! Did you do that?

36:00 Drew And I said, now the cat's not comfortable, I'm not happy.

36:03 Adam So you put the cat down. How much you put the cat down?

36:07 Drew You should ask Kelly.

36:08 Adam Shouldn't there be a kit where you put your own cat down?

36:10 Drew Yeah, it's a little weird.

36:12 Adam Put him down.

36:13 Drew It's a slippery slope, Adam. What's to stop them from using the kit on babies? You start putting your dogs down. In wildlife.

36:19 Adam I mean, seriously, you gotta spend like 150 bucks to have your cat put down? Couldn't you just run over it? Just back over it? Cats napping half the time in the driveway anyway. All you gotta do is not swerve one of these days, and the cat's gone. Just look, you put a little rat poison in some of that friskies and dig a little shoe box, it's all taken care of.

36:44 Drew That's good times.

36:45 Adam And that way you know the job was done correctly.

36:48 Caller That's all I'm saying.

36:50 Adam Tony?

36:52 Caller You're 24?

36:55 Adam Your long lost dad wrote you a letter?

36:57 Yeah.

36:59 Caller All right. Pretty strange. Yeah, well what?

37:02 Adam You hadn't seen him since you were a kid?

37:08 Caller All right, hold on a second.

37:09 Adam Drew, by the way, it's the exact same call.

37:11 Drew But look. Hey, look.

37:13 Caller I'm talking to Bella. Shush up.

37:15 Adam Bella? You're 15?

37:18 Caller Yeah.

37:18 Adam You have stretch marks?

37:20 Caller Yeah, on my knees.

37:22 Adam On your knees?

37:24 Caller Yeah.

37:24 Adam You don't see it on the knee that often. You a big gal?

37:29 Caller Um, not really.

37:31 Adam Well, how big are you? Let me do some math. Go ahead.

37:35 Caller Well, I'm less than 120.

37:38 Adam You're less than 120.

37:39 Drew Stretch marks on your knees. Wait a minute.

37:41 Adam But more than 180.

37:44 Drew Are they on your thighs? Are they on your thighs?

37:49 Caller Um, not really, no. Just like one.

37:52 Adam All right, so you have stretch marks on your knees.

37:55 Drew Did you suddenly grow taller all of a sudden?

37:57 Caller I don't know. I haven't grown in about like a year or so.

38:02 Adam So I guess the answer would be no.

38:04 Drew I don't know. I haven't grown.

38:05 Adam I've never grown. I'm still a fetus. And you're under 120 pounds.

38:11 Drew Yeah.

38:11 Adam How tall are you? 5'7?

38:15 Drew 15, that's pretty tall.

38:16 Adam That's spindly. Here's the thing. Now, you sure stretch marks are not just those funky lines that people get?

38:23 Drew See, that's what I'm thinking.

38:24 Adam Around your knees.

38:27 Caller Well, they're kind of in the back.

38:30 Adam Okay, the back of your knee.

38:32 Caller Yeah.

38:32 Adam All right, well, here's the thing, Bella. No big deal.

38:36 Drew Here's also the beauty about callers. Whenever they talk about a skin problem, it's impossible to picture what they're talking about. Impossible.

38:44 Adam Well, I'll tell you what I picture. I just picture like monkeys on a unicycle and crazy circus music playing. That's what they draw.

38:53 Drew That's right, absolutely.

38:54 Adam And by the way, they say I have stretch marks on my knees, on my knees, on my knees, and it takes a minute 14 while they're behind. Like is there anybody, like if you say on your elbow or on your knee or on your chin, it's as if people just assume, hey, say on your elbow, that you're not picturing the inside of your arm. On your knees, picturing the part that hits the ground when you kneel, not the part you sit on. You know what I mean? What is that? Does it take 20 minutes for on your knees, for inside of or behind? Look, here's the thing. Well, now you're getting in a little more thigh-y area. And now we could see where it was more, a possibility of it. You can't do anything about stretch marks unless you really get in there and get a knife out or something. Here's the thing, all those creams, all those lasers, all those quick fixes and all that kind of patch stuff, all that topical rub-on stuff. It's like, if it sounds a little too good to be true, like you got some scarring and you're gonna rub some cream on it or you got some cellulite and you're gonna rub some cream on it, it's gonna melt away. No way. No way. Never does work. It's like, my nose is too big. I'm gonna rub some cream on it, make it nice. I'm gonna straighten my teeth using this toothpaste. That's really what it is. It's like, look, you can clean your teeth using a toothpaste, but you can't straighten up.

40:05 Drew Right. That's right.

40:06 Adam Thank you, Drew. It's heavy, huh?

40:08 Drew Heavy, well done.

40:09 Adam All right. We're gonna take a little break. When we come back, more depressing teenagers after this.

40:21 We'll be right back.

40:46 Caller 3, 2, 1 and go.

40:50 Adam That's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-LEVE-191. All right. You ready to rock?

40:57 Drew Let's go.

40:58 Adam Let's...

41:00 Caller Where's Closer Freaks Out?

41:02 Adam Tony, again?

41:03 Drew Want to finish the dad thing?

41:06 Adam Cutter lives with grandparents.

41:08 Drew There you go, up in line one, Adam.

41:10 Adam Oh, boob implants. Heather.

41:14 Yeah.

41:14 Adam You're 15.

41:16 Caller Yeah.

41:17 Adam What's up?

41:18 Caller Well, I haven't grown in the last three years because I've been smoking for three years. So, I'm kind of debating on if I should or shouldn't get implants.

41:31 Adam Hold on, hold on. You haven't grown.

41:34 Drew You mean stature-wise, height-wise?

41:37 Caller Well, my boobs basically haven't grown, and neither has my head.

41:42 Drew Why do you associate your breast growth with cigarettes?

41:46 Caller Well, because it stuns your growth. Because my friend, she's 21, she started smoking young, too, and they haven't grown.

41:57 Adam These are superstitious natives. And, by the way, you believe all this crap that Rob Reiner and the rest of his TARD buddies feed everyone. Cigarette smoking ain't good for you, but here's the deal. Champion boxers used to smoke unfiltered cigarettes. Like, hey, it's Sugar Ray Robinson for Lucky Strikes. Athletes would smoke. Everyone smoked, all the time. And then you die at 58.

42:23 Drew But not at 4'10.

42:25 Adam Not at 4'10. You get to whatever size you would have been with or without the cigarettes, and so does your chest, and that's about it.

42:34 Drew The only way I could even associate the cigarette with the breast size is it might diminish your appetite. And if you're very, very thin, that might diminish your breast growth. But that's it. That's it.

42:45 Adam And how much do you smoke, by the way?

42:48 Caller Um, probably eight cigarettes a day.

42:52 Adam Oh, well, that's it. I mean, if you're smoking a third of a pack, I mean, eight cigarettes a day stopped your breast growth?

43:00 Caller I don't know.

43:01 Adam All right, listen.

43:02 Drew By the way, it's okay for you to believe that, if it discourages you from smoking.

43:05 Adam It's a good thing to stop smoking. Don't get me wrong, but that's not why your breasts are small. Your breasts are small because you've got dealt an A-cup hand in life.

43:14 Drew And by the way, you're 15, you've got four more years of growth ahead.

43:17 Caller Yeah. All right.

43:19 Adam So you want to get implants. And what, are you an A-cup now?

43:24 Caller Yeah.

43:26 Adam Yeah, do you have a boyfriend?

43:29 Caller No.

43:29 Adam No.

43:30 Caller Never have had one.

43:31 Adam Well, you're 15. That's probably a good thing.

43:33 Drew Yes.

43:34 Adam And what's the big problem? I mean, there's probably plenty of girls in your class that are modestly chested. And by the way, I screamed this over and over on this show, although I like the Big Knockers myself. No one else I know seems to. It's not a big deal for guys.

43:50 Drew Maybe guys secretly do, but don't make such a show of it. Maybe they have a little bit less.

43:54 Adam Could be it. Could be it.

43:55 Drew A little more modesty of most of your friends.

43:57 Adam Most guys like a nice ass, nice face, nice set eyes. It's all, I'll tell you where boob comes. Boob comes for most guys on their list. For most guys, it's the face, it's the eyes, it's the ass, it's the legs, it's the general sort of symmetry of the whatever. It's all the thing. And boobs use about fifth or sixth. Hair, hair's above boobs most of the time. I don't like it, but that's the way it is.

44:24 Caller Well, everyone at my school, all the guys are like, you know, because they're so, well yeah, and since they're so young, they're all like, ooh, boobs, you know, so.

44:34 Adam Yeah, yeah, that's what they do. They talk a good story, but the reality is, they're not hardcore.

44:39 Drew And the girls that have boobs, by the way, they're concerned that that's all the boys talk to them. That's the only reason they pay any attention to them.

44:46 Adam All right, so you can stop smoking. That's a good thing. And you can evaluate yourself in about three, four years from now. See if the boobs did grow. Hey, you know, I see a lot of these big boob videos, you know, and there was...

45:03 Drew Yeah, no kidding. Is that what you watch?

45:04 Adam Yeah, yeah.

45:05 Drew Oh, I'm really shocked.

45:05 Adam That's my thing. I don't know if I told them about that. It's not for the air. Let's not talk about it on the air. Here's the point. Might be embarrassing. Every chick with a big...

45:14 Drew You jack it off to a big boob video.

45:16 Adam Every chick with a big set of cans, it's always the same story. It's like, I was flat-chested in the 10th grade, and then all of a sudden, it's always the same story. I don't know why. If you have big cans, you have to tell that same, spin that same yarn.

45:29 Drew The same thing as if you're a supermodel.

45:30 Adam Same thing as a supermodel. I was a tomboy. I was gangly. I couldn't get a date to the prom. Really? Elmick Fiersen could not?

45:40 Drew Couldn't get a date.

45:42 Adam Really? What happened? You were burned by acid and had reconstructive surgery at 19 just after graduation? Listen, first off, you're 23 now.

45:54 Drew Right. How much change could there have been?

45:56 Adam How big a cow were you at 17? Oh, let's see. You're half inch shorter and your hair was a shade lighter. I think I could have done the math. I would have humped you. I would have banged the bejesus out of you when I was in high school, happily. We would have never even gotten to the problem.

46:13 Drew Something interesting in that is that the reality is that somebody like that wouldn't want a date from 99% of the guys that are interested in them.

46:21 Adam Yes, but the point is the big boob chicks have to tell you the story about how flat-chested they are.

46:27 Drew Well, Heather will include in her story how she called a radio show. She was so upset about it and kapow.

46:32 Adam A lot of boobs make the move around 15 or 16 with a lot of chicks. So give it some time. And then secondly, don't worry about it. And then you find a guy that's in you.

46:41 Drew It must be tough. Got to be crazy living by the beach.

46:43 Adam Well, she's calling from Costa Mesa. Yeah, it's got the word Costa right in it. Yeah. All right.

46:50 Drew Let's take a break.

46:51 Adam Oh, we're taking a break. Yeah, living by the beach. Here's the thing. If you got a dumpy chick, you got to move inland. You go to Riverside where she can be appreciated. Do you know what I'm saying? Move out to like El Toro. Well, no, no, that's too close to the beach. I was thinking Edwards Air Force Base out in like Mojave. Oh, there you go. Move out to Mojave. Then guys can really appreciate something. They see anything that moves, they're into. All right, let's take a little break, Drew. What do you say? We'll be right back after this.

47:20 Caller Here it is.

47:21 Bottom line, it sucks being single today.

47:23 Caller Tons of lame people and no decent prospects. Call the Dateline, call the Dateline, call the Dateline.

47:28 1-877-889-DATE. Loveline will be right back. So get your problems ready, ready, ready.

47:39 Caller This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

47:42 Experience the Axe Effect.

48:07 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Oh, yeah.

48:12 Drew Oh, yeah.

48:14 Adam Oh, yeah.

48:15 Drew Quagmire.

48:16 Adam Yeah, oh, yeah. All right, so Drew. Drew, he brought it in last night. We didn't have time to get into it, because we were going with Seth Green.

48:27 Drew I know where you're going.

48:30 Adam Drew got a Chicken S ticket.

48:32 Drew Chicken S entrapment.

48:34 Adam Entrapment, Drew says.

48:36 Caller Drew calls it entrapment.

48:38 Adam And that was-

48:39 Drew It wasn't entrapment, it was worse than that.

48:42 Adam Couple of months ago, it was rape. It was nothing short of rape. And that was a few months back. And you decided to fight the ticket.

48:51 Drew Took Anderson's advice, he said it was really easy to do a trial by declaration.

48:54 Adam Right.

48:54 Drew And they send you your money back.

48:56 Adam Right, yeah, so here's the thing. If you fight the ticket, first you gotta pay it.

49:00 Drew Yeah.

49:00 Adam And then they decide whether they give the money back to you. So you paid it, then you did a trial by declaration.

49:08 Drew Yeah.

49:08 Adam And now what do you do? Do you write in a little thing that says what happened?

49:12 Drew Yeah, there's a little page, a special form. You just write it down.

49:15 Adam And you explain what happened.

49:18 Drew On the ticket, 10 miles an hour, it says, I was going. I took allegedly a legal left. Right. Which literally what happens, I just.

49:24 Adam 10 miles an hour.

49:25 Drew Listen to this, listen to this. I started to make.

49:27 Adam If he said 10 miles an hour, it means you're going seven.

49:30 Drew Well, this is what I said in the declaration. Look, now I stopped. I stopped and looked. I thought, I'm trying to make sense of the sign. Saw a police officer walk into the street. I thought, I better complete this turn because this guy's gonna come after me for avoiding him. So I figured I'll explain it to him. I'll drive up the hill. Oh, no, no, you completed the left turn. You're guilty.

49:49 Adam Oh, so he coaxed you through the rest of the left turn.

49:53 Drew What would have happened if I didn't complete, if I just stopped and kept going straight again?

49:57 Adam I mean, we would have just gone after you and busted you for starting the left turn.

50:00 Drew And for evading an officer. And I was afraid of that.

50:03 Adam That's right. So you put that on, you wrote that on, you declared that. You declared your innocence. And what happened?

50:12 Drew Oh, I just get a little form back that says you're guilty. My money applied to your bail.

50:16 Adam Oh, they're keeping your money?

50:17 Drew Yeah, of course.

50:17 Adam There's no more to pay? And what about traffic school?

50:20 Drew I don't think that's possible now.

50:23 Adam You had to go for traffic school. That window's open and closed?

50:26 Drew Right.

50:26 Adam All right, well, they reviewed it carefully.

50:28 Drew Oh, I could tell. It looked like someone was stamping things. They just poured through pages and stuff.

50:33 Adam We need more ink for the guilty stamp.

50:35 Drew Yeah.

50:36 Adam All right, so.

50:37 Drew So, it's so ridiculous.

50:39 Adam Well, listen, in this time and need, Drew, we don't have enough men. We're shorthanded.

50:45 Drew Two guys, two guys sitting up there. We're shorthanded, Drew. You've been on that street.

50:48 Adam We don't have enough cops. We just don't have enough of them. Let me explain why we don't have enough of them. Because they're parked up the hill giving tickets to people pay tons in taxes in $80,000 cars, giving out chicken-ass tickets. That's why we don't have enough cops. Well, we got plenty of cops. They just ain't where they should be. They're out reading the back of their eyelids, napping up on some street, waiting for some old time to roll through a four-way. They ain't out in South Central busing heads. We got plenty of cops. They're just not doing anything. That's the thing. That's what they don't tell you about. It's always, we don't got enough.

51:26 Caller We just don't, not enough.

51:28 Adam We don't have enough. Well, it seems to be plenty. I see them parked up the street. I see my Drew getting a ticket every other day. I seem to find Drew. Drew, I swear, if I didn't know, I would think you had your own cop. Do you have your own cop?

51:42 Drew I'm beginning to think I do. There are two guys.

51:45 Adam Can we, is anyone, by the way, does anyone ever address this? Like, does anyone ever say like, how about somebody says, look, we got a situation, we got a terror situation here. This is essentially wartime. Tell you what we're gonna do. All the guys selling the dime bags at the park, the guys getting the handies from the transvestites, you guys rolling through the four-way stop signs.

52:09 Drew Enjoy.

52:09 Adam It's a good day. You guys get a couple of years to do your thing. We're gonna focus on the ports, we're gonna focus on dirty bombs, we're gonna focus on the airport, we're gonna focus on terrorism here for a little bit. Not gonna get me wrong. You put a knife in somebody at ATM, you're going downtown. But other than that, we're gonna ease up on the guys that are doing 57 miles an hour on the freeway.

52:32 Drew On the chicken ass.

52:33 Adam Yeah, we're gonna lighten up on the chicken ass and we're gonna go ahead and focus on, shockingly, what you'd like us to focus on. Is there an American, by the way, that would have a problem with this? You know what I mean? Don't all we want the cops to do is sort of bust bad guys? Isn't that all they should do? Isn't that all they should be doing is just going after bad guys? And look, you could be a bad guy, yeah, if you're driving drunk and erratically, if you're going on an excessive display of exhibition of speed or something like that. Yeah, like if you had your car in a drift and second gear smoke coming out of the tires, clip some old lady's dog and then fish tailed around the corner, by all means, that's dangerous. A confused Dr. Drew going about as fast as the wind would push his car in neutral. Yeah, yeah, we gotta get him off. He's gotta, you know what? You gotta be punished. Drew, have you learned your lesson? What's your lesson? Move? Here's the lesson you learn. It's I gotta get the hell out of this chicken ass town. That's what it says. Yeah, like really? Here's the lesson I learned. We got too many cops. That's what it feels like to me. Oh, we don't have enough. We don't have enough. There's two of you sitting up there handing out nothing. You guys get busy. Do it. By the way, do you guys ever watch any cop shows? There's 90 cop shows on TV. Ever see them handing out a chicken ass ticket to a doctor? It doesn't happen. You wanna know why? Ain't exciting, ain't good, ain't real. Chicken ass. Kids, come on, bring down some perps, would ya? Fire your guns. Kid, take some gang bangers down. You ever see that? You ever see that in a cop movie?

54:16 Drew All the time.

54:17 Adam A whole episode of NYPD Blues about a doctor's podiatrist. Whole hour dedicated to him going 11 miles an hour. He's a mad man.

54:28 Drew Getting confused manner through a time-limited left turn.

54:32 Adam The sign clearly said no left turn on weekdays from four to seven, and oh, it's 418. And he's going 10 miles an hour. I could see him making a two-hour episode out of this, Drew. You gotta, they gotta take you down. I'm surprised they didn't start firing at you.

54:48 Drew The comedy is he documented his 10 miles an hour. To me, I thought that was comical. It's like, how could you tell I was going, why'd you put zero? Because that's where I was going, was zero.

54:55 Adam When we do our cop drama, we're gonna make it 13 miles an hour. It's called artistic license. I know it seems a little crazy, Drew, a little excessive. All right, meanwhile, they're just bringing the plutonium right into LA. Harbor. And LAX. Bring it right into San Pedro. We don't got enough cops. We don't have enough men. We don't have enough, Drew. Not enough, not enough, not enough, not enough, not enough. Really? Not enough, not enough.

55:22 Drew And I think it was $185.

55:24 Adam Oh, that's not enough, Drew. Well, here's the thing, Drew, it's gotta be high so you learn your lesson. Because otherwise, how are you gonna know not to drive in this chicken-ass town? It's really what it is. It's so convenient. And every three years, they just double the price. They do all in favor of doubling the price of a speeding ticket. Yeah, it was 90 bucks. Let's make it 180. Here, okay, fine.

55:43 Drew And by the way, I was really kind of outraged. What is the matter with the judge? Really, that's okay with him that I was entrapped and stopped? That's okay?

55:51 Adam Yeah, there's no, nobody looks at it.

55:53 Drew That's what it looks like to me. You didn't even read the damn thing.

55:56 Adam Well, listen, if you all got with me, get my civil...

55:59 Drew Where's my piece of paper? I wanna see what the judge's name is. We're gonna talk about it. Where is it? I don't see it.

56:03 Adam What the hell do I know? I don't have your paper.

56:05 Drew Oh, damn it.

56:06 Adam Chris may have eaten it.

56:07 Drew Oh, oh, oh, oh.

56:08 Adam He said he was peckish during the break. And?

56:12 Drew Kevin Ross.

56:13 Adam Kevin Ross. What kind of name is that for a judge?

56:16 Drew Judicial officer.

56:17 Adam Oh, yeah.

56:18 Drew It's not even a name of a judge.

56:19 Adam Oh, it's a 19-year-old. Let me tell you how his policy is. He pops a zit. Whatever side the puss lands on is what he goes with, innocent or guilty, and yours must... See guilty? Yeah, that's a 19-year-old. That's a junior college student is deciding your fate there, Drew. They're gonna wrap up real judges. They're true. They don't have enough manpower. Not enough guys. They don't have enough cops. Anne?

56:47 Drew Yes.

56:47 Adam You're 23? They don't have enough meter maids either. We don't have enough men on the street, Drew. Go ahead, Anne.

56:56 Drew It's signed on the 9th of July. I didn't get it until August 3rd. What is with this?

57:02 Adam Well, Drew, they don't have enough men. Let me explain something, Drew.

57:06 Drew This is nuts.

57:08 Adam Drew, they don't have enough men because they're all in the hills handing out chicken-ass tickets. They're not sitting behind the desk doing your paperwork. Now, please, Drew.

57:20 Drew I can't even believe this.

57:21 Adam Let's move forward. Let's focus now.

57:24 Drew I can't believe this.

57:25 Caller Yeah.

57:27 Adam How did you think it was gonna turn out? You're gonna be exonerated with an apology? Little Hello Kitty station there?

57:33 Drew Happy Anderson.

57:34 Caller I got my money back.

57:35 Adam It was great. Anderson. First off, Anderson would fall into the three strikes category. He would be in for mandatory sentencing. Understand, they pop him. Anderson is doing 35 years. So that's one thing, Drew. And plus, they know, they see you got deep pockets. They know you're driving a nice car and they get some money out of you. All right, Anderson, they feel sorry for him. I just figure he's a junkie. You done?

58:01 Drew Let's take Ann, let's go.

58:03 Adam Okay, Ann? Yes. Yeah.

58:06 Drew Ooh, a new trial.

58:08 Adam What's happening? Hold on, Drew's got a new trial. What's happening, Drew? Did you read the paperwork? What are you reading, Drew?

58:17 Drew I am so beside myself. It says I have 20.

58:20 Adam Drew's livid.

58:20 Drew I have 20 days to request a new trial from the date the guy signs it. He signs it on July 9th. They mail it August 4th.

58:28 Adam Yeah, all right. You gotta hurry.

58:30 Drew It's already gone.

58:32 Adam Well, today's the, oh yeah.

58:34 Drew 29th.

58:34 Adam Oh yeah, sorry buddy.

58:37 Drew I can't even, I'm beside myself.

58:38 Adam August 4th, so they send it.

58:39 Drew That's what the LA Municipal Superior Court.

58:41 Adam Drew, they're under man. They just don't have enough men. They just don't.

58:46 Caller All right, it's fine.

58:48 Adam We're taking care of it. So they send it after the date where you can require, where you can request the new trial. There's nothing wrong with that, Drew. They're just good, they're hard working folks like you and me. Plus, now that we got this whole terrorism thing licked, we don't really need, you know, they're just, they don't have anything.

59:04 Drew They just have it right, that's all.

59:05 Adam Maybe they got some ideas. Anne?

59:09 Caller Yes.

59:10 Adam Year 23, what's up, baby doll?

59:13 Well, basically, I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now, and a couple weeks ago, he told me that he went to the doctor and he found out I had herpes.

59:25 Adam He had herpes?

59:27 Caller Yes, he has herpes.

59:30 And we've been dating each other for a year, we haven't been seeing other people, and he told me that he hasn't cheated on me, and he's a really good guy and I trust him, but I just don't understand how he can all of a sudden have herpes.

59:43 Drew Well, wait a minute, how was this diagnosed?

59:46 Caller What was that?

59:47 Drew How was it diagnosed?

59:49 He broke out and he went to the doctor.

59:52 Drew Where's the outbreak?

59:55 Caller Where's what?

59:55 Drew Where's the outbreak?

59:58 It's on his penis.

1:00:00 Drew And have you seen this?

1:00:03 He's kinda keeping it.

1:00:05 Adam All right, really, does it have to be like, do we have to have the five Mississippi rule between everything?

1:00:11 Drew Well, if it's bogus, and they're trying to figure it out and process it, yeah.

1:00:14 Adam What?

1:00:15 Drew How am I gonna answer that now? Let me think about this if I've seen it all of me.

1:00:20 Adam And is this a real question, or you're just an idiot?

1:00:23 Caller No, this is a real question.

1:00:25 Adam All right, let's start, let's pick it up. Let's go.

1:00:28 Drew So how did they diagnose it? Just by visual inspection?

1:00:32 Caller Yeah, I don't know.

1:00:32 He went to the doctor and he told me that.

1:00:34 Caller All right, I'm done with it. You know what?

1:00:35 Adam Because it took her three seconds to say yeah. I can't stand the wait. I know it sounds like I'm a big prick, and I got plenty of time to talk about my own crap, but I can't stand it. And then it's video. One, two, three, four. Yeah, everything's like a two in a thousand thing.

1:00:52 Drew What's that?

1:00:53 Caller There's like a weird static.

1:00:55 Caller I can't really hear you guys.

1:00:57 Adam Well, now I'm going to apologize.

1:00:59 Drew All right, and it's possible you transmitted from your mouth to his penis. That's a possibility.

1:01:05 Caller All right.

1:01:07 Adam All right, we got a bad connection. So I'm going to put her on hold.

1:01:10 Drew And it's possible he had an outbreak before and never knew it. Some guys, you can go for a long time without being diagnosed sometimes, particularly women.

1:01:18 Caller All right.

1:01:18 Adam Well, look, here's the whole thing. If you think he's a good guy and you know him and you trust him and you don't think he would cheat, then I'm guessing you should just stick with that. If you think he may be the kind of guy who did it, this is a little argument that he did. How rare is it, Drew, a year after you've been with someone to have a breakout that way? And then also, by the way, why would he tell? Well, I don't think he would tell you about it.

1:01:46 Drew If he'd been cheating?

1:01:48 Adam If, let's say, she split the weekend before, he hooked up with an old girlfriend, all of a sudden there's an outbreak, there's something going on. I mean, I would just burn my dork with a cigarette. That's why I've done that. Take the herpes, just put a cigarette right after it. It's like I burn it, it caught on fire. Singed my pubes with a plumber's torch.

1:02:07 Drew Very nice.

1:02:07 Adam Yeah, it smells good. It's a good smell. Burnt pubes, that's a smell.

1:02:13 Caller All right.

1:02:14 Drew Pube brulee.

1:02:15 Adam Really, so Drew, seriously, my idea of putting the cigarette out on my infected penis.

1:02:19 Drew Not bad.

1:02:20 Adam Not bad, right?

1:02:21 Drew Yeah, it's good times. But my concern, the reason I was questioning more carefully is that too often people are diagnosed based on blood tests and they are quite inaccurate.

1:02:29 Adam But this was a visual.

1:02:31 Drew Yeah, which is, and then they should do a culture on it if you really want to nail it down, so.

1:02:35 Adam All right, and culture's just rubbing the shoe tip on there. Jasmine?

1:02:41 Jasmine?

1:02:42 Drew Yes.

1:02:42 Adam You're 19?

1:02:43 Caller I am.

1:02:45 Adam What's up, baby doll?

1:02:47 Caller All right, so my boyfriend and I are considering having sex, but I want to know the different likelihoods of different birth controls.

1:02:57 Drew You mean pills versus patches, that sort of thing?

1:03:01 Caller Exactly, so the likelihood of me getting pregnant if I was on the pill and he was using a condom, et cetera.

1:03:09 Drew Pill plus condom?

1:03:11 Caller Yes.

1:03:11 Drew Zero, zero, zero. Hey, that would be some immaculate conception of that. It's virtually zero without the condom. You add the condom in, it's gotta be close to zero.

1:03:22 Adam Goes below zero. You actually, oh.

1:03:28 Drew Listen, it's, like, it's.0003.

1:03:31 Adam Hey, Copernicus, how many zeros have we gotta say?

1:03:35 Drew Yeah, it's. But statistically, zero. It'd only be a theoretical possibility of pregnancy in that situation.

1:03:44 Caller Yeah.

1:03:45 Caller And so it'd virtually be the same as just fooling around and just having oral sex, like pretty much the same statistics.

1:03:51 Drew No, less. Frankly, less, because in.

1:03:55 Caller Virtually the same.

1:03:56 Drew Because you could be.

1:03:56 Adam And by the way, why even make a sexual activity? Why don't you say virtually the same as making a gingerbread house?

1:04:01 Drew There you go, gingerbread. Because as soon as semen goes out, it could show up somewhere. This, you're on the pill. You're on the pill. There's nothing better to protect yourself than some form of hormonal contraception.

1:04:12 Adam All right, Jasmine, what's wrong with you? What's up? Why are you so paranoid?

1:04:16 Caller Well, I'm just basically scared of getting pregnant.

1:04:19 Adam Well, we understand that. You would.

1:04:22 Drew But if you're ready to take that responsibility, you take the one in a million chance, and you're taking that one in a million chance, or 100,000 chance, down to zero with the condom, and there you go.

1:04:35 Adam Do you, you're virgin?

1:04:39 Caller Yes.

1:04:40 Drew You are.

1:04:40 Adam And it's just, but you're horny, yes?

1:04:43 Caller Yes.

1:04:45 Adam Well, and the reason you haven't had sex this whole time is because of this, or?

1:04:51 Caller Well, yeah, and I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't have sex until I was married. But that's kind of changed now. Now I'm just wondering, you know, the likelihood with pregnancy and everything.

1:05:01 Adam Right.

1:05:02 Drew It's really very safe.

1:05:05 Adam Don't worry about it.

1:05:05 Drew No. Take your pills properly.

1:05:07 Adam Listen, if you get pregnant, you send the kid to Drew. He'll raise the kid. All right?

1:05:12 Drew Do I have your word on that?

1:05:13 Adam Yeah, see well. In a good, quasi-Christian environment.

1:05:16 Drew I'm taking him to the Dalai Lama. It's the next Dalai Lama.

1:05:19 Adam The Dalai Lama will raise the kid. And yeah, have a guy in an orange sheet and wire-frame glasses and Harachis raise your kid. By the way, let me just word to all the religious nutcakes out there. Get a halfway decent outfit before you come and knock it. Like, let's see, we got the Hasidic Jew over there. Yeah, he's got the peos, he's got the sideburns dragon on the ground. He's got the mountain man beard. He's wearing the modified beanie on his head. And his shoulders look like a, there's so much dandruff on that black suit of his, and I can smell the guy coming around the corner. How about you take a shower, take a shave, put a suit on, then we can talk about your crazy religion. And Dolly Llama, yeah, how about you get out of the Caltrans orange fitted sheet and put yourself some shoes on, maybe some slacks. We can talk about your crazy religion. Like all these whack jobs and their wacky religions and their crazy outfits. When I see a guy approaching, it's almost like a homeless guy. When I see the crazy outfit, immediately my ears close and I just start looking at my feet and walk a little faster. Here's the thing, you gotta lose the nutball outfits and then maybe we'll listen. Your whole thing is about getting people over to your side. Stop with the crazy outfits. And by the way, this extends to the televangelists, Benny Hinn, you know, he's gonna cure people. He has a part that starts in Fort Lauderdale and ends in Nebraska. Like his actual, his hair, he has a comb over that actually is lower than it start. The part is beneath his ear. You understand? It's down around his jaw. It's halfway up his neck. The thing comes around, he wears like a Nehru jacket and it looks like he wears mascara. And he's got that sort of a cream tan where he's orange. What are you selling? I'm buying. You look insane. No one just, if a guy just dressed sanely, I'd be much more apt to listen. They're wearing white alligator shoes with the four inch tassels and the Italian wafer leather on the bottom. Crazy outfits, crazy people with crazy, the outfit's a giveaway. It's what we call a tell. We know you're nuts, because you look like a homeless person with a sheet. It's bald with the crazy orange sheet and the sandals, framed glasses. All right. All right, just the Taliban guy, all you guys with the crazy sheets and the things. Get some Hager slacks and a Botany 500 sport coat, and we'll start listening to you. You know what you need to dress like? You ever see the catalogs for the big and tall places? That kind of thing. The big and tall, the casual big and tall.

1:08:15 Drew Sure, sure.

1:08:16 Adam Something about the, there's something very soothing about the guy with the big gut who dresses nice. It's nice a guy, portly guy who dresses nice. That's a guy you can trust. He's got a sport coat on, he's not wearing a tie.

1:08:28 Drew Doing the best he can.

1:08:29 Adam Doing the best he can with what the good Lord gave him. Yes, Drew?

1:08:32 Drew That's a religious man.

1:08:33 Adam All right, that's a guy I listen to. Let's take a break.

1:08:37 Drew All right.

1:08:38 Adam We'll be right back after this.

1:08:40 Hello, this is your Radio Love Live.

1:08:53 Adam No matter.

1:09:17 Drew Thank you for watching! Hey, everybody, Loveline.

1:09:18 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. We're all talked out, because when we were taking a tinkle, Drew got up on his high horse, talking about religion and Aristotle and Socrates.

1:09:20 Drew was really passionate. We were going, huh? Passionate, man.

1:09:20 Adam I was staring at Drew, I was like, when Aristotle wrote his famous, and I was looking down and going, boy, my whiz is yellow tonight. Aristotle said, and this is, and he was speaking of non-shekulary. Boy, it's almost orange.

1:09:36 Caller Wow.

1:09:38 Adam Was that a multivitamin?

1:09:40 Drew Which is why, by the way, we don't speak of those things on the air, because that's exactly what happens to all our listeners in their head at that point.

1:09:45 Adam Well, we bore them with other things. But what is it in the multivitamin that makes the whiz yellow? Is that the B?

1:09:50 Drew I think it's the B vitamin. B. These are chromo, they absorb light at a certain frequency. It's a ring structure.

1:10:00 Adam I'll tell ya, I understand I took the vitamin. Every once in a blue moon, you get that day glow yellow whiz. If I was a caveman, I saw that coming out of me. I'd chop my penis off with a club. And then burn it. So it would never happen. Know what I'm saying? Beth? Yeah. Yeah, it's rough. I can't hit the sink here, you know?

1:10:23 Drew You could.

1:10:24 Adam It's tough, you know why? Because they did one of those things where the sink is set back like six inches from the edge of the counter.

1:10:30 Drew By the way.

1:10:30 Adam I'd have to stand on some phone books to get it.

1:10:32 Drew My parents have a place that was-

1:10:34 Adam Actually, get up on Chris's shoulders.

1:10:36 Drew One of their bathrooms was made in the 60s. And the sink is waist height. You have to get water, you have to bend over almost, you know, almost down to your ankles.

1:10:44 Adam That's a good wizened sink.

1:10:46 Drew And shower at your neck.

1:10:48 Adam Yeah, people were shorter back then. I don't know. I don't know why that is, yeah. Shower should be high and sink should, well, I like a sink low so I can whiz in it.

1:10:57 Drew This is really low, I can't.

1:10:59 Adam Yeah. All right, let's, who are we talking about?

1:11:02 Drew Beth.

1:11:02 Adam Yeah, Beth.

1:11:02 Caller All right, Drew, calm down.

1:11:04 Adam Beth?

1:11:05 Yes.

1:11:06 Adam You're 20?

1:11:07 Caller Yes.

1:11:08 Adam You can orgasm with yourself or with boyfriend? You can orgasm.

1:11:14 Caller Correct.

1:11:15 Adam All right, and you get close. And then.

1:11:18 Caller Yeah, but I mean, it gets to the point where I just have to push him away because it hurts so bad.

1:11:24 Drew What's he doing when he's trying to do that to you? What is he doing when you get close? Oral sex?

1:11:33 Caller Yeah.

1:11:34 Drew And is he very gentle with you or is he a little too aggressive?

1:11:38 Caller It's both. I mean, we've been trying a lot of different ways, but it all comes in the same business. It's like I get close and then it's just too much.

1:11:51 Adam Yeah, it gets overwhelming.

1:11:53 Caller You can't come back to it because it's too sensitive.

1:11:55 Drew Yeah, that's a guy thing too, isn't it? Stop. Oh, too much, too much.

1:12:02 Adam Well, you can't get back to it 10 minutes later?

1:12:04 Caller Well, it takes like a good, at least five minutes.

1:12:10 Drew To settle down.

1:12:11 Caller And then by that time I have to start all over and then it happens all over again.

1:12:16 Drew I just wonder if he's doing the right thing, as it were.

1:12:19 Adam You gotta believe a seasoned veteran like yourself, a velvety-tongued veteran like you could produce some better results. But we'll never know.

1:12:30 Drew Because she's right in that age when she should be having orgasmic function. She's got a stable relationship. There's no reason you have any trauma around your sexuality, Beth? No. Okay, you like your boyfriend.

1:12:42 Adam She likes her. She's 20.

1:12:44 Drew So this one I blame on him.

1:12:46 Adam Also, a lot of 20-year-olds just don't have the big O.

1:12:50 Drew No, but she should be coming around. She should be coming on line here.

1:12:53 Adam She's getting close. And the thing is, is once you get that first one out, then they all just come popping out. It's game on. I'll tell you what you need to do. You're putting too much pressure on yourself. You're pushing too hard, then you're freaking out. How about a real easy session? You know what I mean?

1:13:12 Drew Good advice.

1:13:13 Adam Yeah, instead of.

1:13:14 Drew But that's partly him too cool. Yeah, I see what you're saying. He's got to really see the.

1:13:21 Adam You want the difference between fast and slow?

1:13:23 Drew Let's hear it one more time.

1:13:24 Adam All right, this is the fast session of oral sex.

1:13:27 Drew Got it, and now the easy one. Too fast, still too fast.

1:13:36 Caller Don't talk, my sweet. Take your glasses off, let me see you.

1:13:40 Adam Wow, you have almost gray eyes.

1:13:42 Drew Almost there.

1:13:43 Adam That's beautiful, beautiful.

1:13:45 Drew Oh no, too sensitive, too sensitive. Push it your way, go away. Is there a male on Earth that's ever done that? Ever done that?

1:13:53 Adam You ever done that, like, I'm about to bust a nut, we gotta stop.

1:14:00 Drew It's comical even to think about it.

1:14:02 Adam No.

1:14:03 Drew It's not a male on Earth that could have that experience.

1:14:06 Adam A woman can't escape. I mean, if a woman actually, like, if you were 15 seconds away from orgasming and her head popped off and blood just started squirting out, you'd be like, I gotta hurry. Now that means hurry. Gotta finish. One. We just gotta finish, right? Head just busted, like a major artery just blew.

1:14:31 Drew Or just how about you're getting close and they try to move away. It's getting too sensitive. No, no, you'd be like some sort of like a cougar, a cougar, a bear.

1:14:41 Adam I was gonna say like a rabbit trying to get away from a cougar that is pounced on. No, Big Paul comes out and slides him right back in.

1:14:47 Caller Impossible.

1:14:48 Adam Drew, is it? You're a cougar-like passionate in your zest for lust. Yes.

1:14:59 Caller Your zest for lust.

1:15:01 Adam All right, I gotta stop reading those Harlequin romances. Wow, Stella? Yeah, once Drew gets one of them big patty paws into you, that's it. He ain't done till he's got a belly full of you. Go ahead, Stella.

1:15:15 Caller Okay, about a year ago, I decided to change my life. I've been a drug user for really about five, six years now. Mm-hmm.

1:15:22 Drew Since you were 12.

1:15:24 Caller And 13. And I've done a lot of crystal and stuff, so I decided to change and tell my parents and everything.

1:15:32 Adam Good. Mm-hmm.

1:15:33 Caller And so, the like, a day before I was gonna leave and everything, I was trying to find my boyfriend and say bye, you know, again. And it turns out he killed himself, whatever it is. And so, I went to rehab anyways, but I just stayed there 21 days.

1:15:49 Adam Well, hold on. Your boyfriend killed himself.

1:15:52 Caller Yes.

1:15:52 Adam While he was your boyfriend or had you broken up? When's the last time you saw him before he killed himself? Had you seen him every day?

1:16:02 Caller I was seeing him, like, yeah, well, he was just like two hours away.

1:16:05 Drew Wow. Was he a drug addict too?

1:16:07 Caller Yes.

1:16:07 Drew Was it an accidental death?

1:16:09 Caller I don't know.

1:16:11 Caller I don't know.

1:16:13 Adam Kill yourself, you do it on purpose.

1:16:15 Drew Maybe an overdose sometime. Anyway, so, you went to rehab and?

1:16:19 Caller I, well, I didn't finish it, and now everything's like, oh, God, I don't know what to do anymore.

1:16:25 Drew Go back to treatment, get to a meeting, get a sponsor or call your old sponsor, get going again.

1:16:32 Caller Like, it's really hard because my parents, like, they support me and everything, but at the same time, they're really lazy, you know?

1:16:38 Adam Well, they support, what do you want them to do, go on a rehab for you?

1:16:41 Drew Yeah, you've got to do it yourself, unfortunately.

1:16:43 Adam They support you, that's pretty good.

1:16:45 Caller All right, let's go get it.

1:16:48 Drew Call your, do you have a sponsor?

1:16:49 Adam No, I don't.

1:16:50 Drew How come you didn't have a sponsor in the first place?

1:16:53 Caller I wasn't there that much, I guess, I don't know.

1:16:56 Drew So you didn't do anything in treatment, right?

1:16:59 Caller I started it, but I didn't finish it.

1:17:01 Drew But you didn't do anything. You didn't do a first step, you didn't get a sponsor, you didn't do anything, right?

1:17:06 Adam You gotta get involved in your own treatment.

1:17:09 Drew Go to NA, raise your hand as a newcomer, tell them you need a sponsor, and just start going.

1:17:14 Adam Could you do that?

1:17:15 Caller It's really hard, now everything's changed. I don't care anymore, I wanna go back in it, but I wanna quit, but I don't know what the fuck.

1:17:24 Adam Drowned the F-bomb on there. And casually, too.

1:17:27 Drew Listen, I understand that you're confused and ambivalent, go to an NA meeting, raise your hand as a newcomer, and if you can't do that, go back to treatment, there's nothing your parents can do, you gotta do it for yourself.

1:17:39 Adam I saw a whole special on Dateline, I watch all those news magazines, 2020 and Dateline, 60 Minutes, 60 Minutes 2, and I watch all that stuff, what do you got?

1:17:50 Drew I got one coming on, what is it?

1:17:52 Caller No.

1:17:53 Drew No, no, I do, we filmed it last summer.

1:17:55 Caller Never heard of it.

1:17:56 Drew We were treating a couple of opiod addicts, it really came out good.

1:17:59 Caller Really?

1:18:00 Drew Yeah.

1:18:00 Caller What is that?

1:18:00 Adam Oh, that thing.

1:18:01 Drew Yeah, it still isn't air jet.

1:18:03 Adam Jesus, you were in like, you were still a student.

1:18:05 Drew Sixth grade, yeah.

1:18:07 Adam All right, well listen, I'm not here to talk about you.

1:18:09 Drew Nightline.

1:18:10 Adam Nightline.

1:18:11 Drew No, no, no.

1:18:12 Adam Dateline.

1:18:13 Drew What's the ABC one?

1:18:14 Adam I don't know.

1:18:15 Drew All right.

1:18:15 Adam I'll listen, 2020.

1:18:16 Drew Downtown.

1:18:17 Adam 2020. There's another, there's a sort of downtown show. All right, when's this thing coming out?

1:18:22 Drew I'll tell you, I'll let you know when I get a date.

1:18:24 Caller All right, well, quiet until then.

1:18:26 Adam Okay, here's what I want to say. I was watching a dateline, and they had these poor, these families they talked to, kids killed themselves. Very, apparently, a little bit of an epidemic. These college students just killing themselves sort of spontaneously, not years of depression.

1:18:44 Drew You know what I hear immediately.

1:18:46 Adam No, I know what you hear, but here's what I hear. Let a little fart go, yeah, Chris likes a little fart here. Don't talk. Okay, here's the thing. No. Nothing, nothing, I got nothing. Okay, here's the deal. They do the whole thing and it makes a story. They're bright kids, their parents love them, they're going off to college, parents are visiting, there's pictures of them on parent day and they're visiting and popular and good looking. Both the kids that they profiled were good looking, they were young, one had like a hot girlfriend, the whole thing, fraternity, this and that, nice guy. Pow, fails a class or gets close to failing or something and just kills themselves sort of spontaneously. And then, so I was watching it and I was thinking, oh, well please, they were depressed for years and stuff like that and I thought to myself, well, here's the thing, my mom was depressed, she locked herself in a room for 15 years, she never killed herself. And people do that, oh, where were the warning signs? We blame ourselves, where were the warning signs? If that were true, like I said, I should have been on the phone with the Suicide Hotline every 10 minutes of my entire childhood. Somehow, oftentimes, this is just depressed people, they're just depressed, they don't kill themselves. So the whole warning sign thing, it's kind of weird and I feel horrible for these families because they're like, we should have known, we should have done something. Meanwhile, they had Mexico vacations, playing with the one kid that didn't show up. It's like, I was watching, I get mad at my parents, I watch NASCAR, I get mad at my dad. I watch anything, I watch the test pattern with the Indian, it makes me angry. But the thing is, is like they're going, what could we have done, we should have known, we were supposed to meet her in Puerto Vallarta for a spring break vacation, she didn't show up. And I was thinking, how can you blame yourself? I mean, yeah, there are things maybe you could have done, but the kid was off at college, the kid, you're paying for everything, the kid was going on a vacation with you. I mean, if this is the way it went, my sister should have killed herself like 30 times, like from age 11 to maybe 21. Or if there are things you did to get them to kill themselves, like I wasn't there enough or whatever. Is there a certain percentage of society, by the way, that just is going to kill themselves? I don't know how to answer that. Okay, how about the whole people, and when you're 18 or 19, you will do stupid things quickly. You will have a couple of beers and think it's a good idea to jump off the roof and into the swimming pool.

1:21:17 Drew That's the key. When I hear a sudden suicidal act in a 18 to 22 year old, a drug.

1:21:24 Adam I know.

1:21:24 Drew And a story.

1:21:26 Adam Look, and they never, obviously, it never came up and whatever, and they interviewed the guy's friends and they did the whole thing and everyone's friends and it didn't seem to be anything. I'm sure there was some drugs around. Now quiet down, because everyone does drugs in college.

1:21:41 Drew I know, and some people have horrible reactions to them. And there you go. The reality is, though, listen, the thing about people when drugs is when there's drugs involved, people lie their ass off. And I know, just like you and I play carneck here on this show, I know what the truth is. I can just smell it on people. And you have to go, no, it's not what happened. Here's what happened. Otherwise, they're gonna BS you and that's gonna be the story on the news now.

1:22:03 Adam All right, so you think this is drugs.

1:22:06 Drew I think hallucinogens can do this, speed can do this, opiates can do this, alcohol can do this. And even when they're not even addictive, just as an acute reaction.

1:22:13 Caller No, what are they supposed to do?

1:22:14 Adam Just breathe the air and drink tap water?

1:22:16 Drew Well, it's still a-

1:22:17 Caller They're in college for Christ's sake.

1:22:19 Adam Kid went to Arizona State, gotta do something.

1:22:21 Drew Strike three.

1:22:22 Adam Yeah, okay. So here-

1:22:23 Drew Was it like at San Diego State?

1:22:25 Adam No, no party there, no. She went to the school in like, it was beyond Santa Barbara, it was even better, it was a comical school.

1:22:37 Drew And this is not-

1:22:38 Adam No, I just mean it was UC Morro Bay.

1:22:42 Drew Right, right.

1:22:43 Adam Like, I mean, literally. I was like, oh my God, there's a school at the, yeah, it's in Hurst Castle. I was like, oh my God, I believe. But look, here's the thing. They didn't talk about drugs, no one, it was a, they interviewed everybody, no one, the word drugs never came up. I'm thinking it would have, but if there was something, but the point is, is there's a certain, there's certain people who will, if there's a gun nearby, if depression sets in, they'll just do it, and the whole why, why, why, and didn't we, why didn't we see the warning signs? We didn't see the warning signs.

1:23:14 Drew There weren't any.

1:23:14 Adam Because there weren't any warning signs, and by the way, if everyone who said, oh, I'm having a rough day, or I'm pissed off, or I'm staying in tonight, you guys go on about me, you'd just be on the phone all day long.

1:23:24 Drew Yeah, there are warning signs, but very few people actually manifest them. That's why some people, when they're depressed, are very dangerous. There are people that we take care of for depression, and we say to ourselves, this one's dangerous, because this one will not warn us, he'll just do it.

1:23:38 Adam Right.

1:23:39 Drew That's nothing you can do about that.

1:23:40 Adam We'll, let's take a break. Drew, I need you to kill yourself during the break, just because I'm trying to prove a point.

1:23:47 Drew I need to give you some warning signs first.

1:23:49 Adam Okay.

1:23:49 Drew I'm giving away my stuff. I shoulda known.

1:23:51 Adam I shoulda known.

1:23:52 Drew Here's my guilty paperwork.

1:23:54 Adam I got it started. We'll take a-

1:23:56 Drew Oh, now I'm gonna kill myself.

1:23:57 Adam We're gonna take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:24:00 Dude, you got issues.

1:24:03 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:24:05 Caller Hey buddy, it's Adam.

1:24:06 Drew And I'm Dr. Drew.

1:24:07 Adam Here to talk about Axe Deodorant Body Spray.

1:24:10 Drew Yes sir.

1:24:11 Adam You spray that on, you give Stink the axe.

1:24:15 Drew Ha ha!

1:24:22 Adam I don't know, maybe it was you, but it could have been you. Brian keeps talking about line two being the greatest call ever.

1:24:37 Caller Three, two, one, go.

1:24:40 Adam Hey, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. So anyway, Drew, let's reset that stuff. Just summary.

1:24:49 Drew Let's first of all say that we're not disparaging those parents and our heart goes out. You know what I mean?

1:24:54 Adam No, we weren't talking smack on the air. That was during the, when we were taking the Tink.

1:24:58 Drew Just to clear my power.

1:24:59 Adam No, here's what I'm, no, what I'm saying to the parents that sit around and kick themselves, if there's ever anybody who's done, why didn't I do more, why didn't I do more, the person killed themselves.

1:25:09 Drew Yeah, there's no warning signs.

1:25:10 Adam And like I said, the warning signs.

1:25:12 Drew And all I'm saying about drugs and alcohol is that's an important thing to address early in college. And there are, at 18, when people their first year of college, something like 30% of college students do not get past the first year of college.

1:25:23 Adam Really?

1:25:23 Drew A lot of depression, a lot of stuff goes on that year.

1:25:26 Adam Here's what I'm saying to you, Drew. Not as a, not as a partner, but as a kind of.

1:25:32 Drew As a human being.

1:25:33 Adam Well, I was gonna say sort of friend, but not a close friend, but as someone who knows you.

1:25:38 Drew That's who you're getting weird with.

1:25:38 Adam And you're friendly with, but not tight.

1:25:40 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:25:43 Adam Like we might go out to lunch, but we wouldn't see a movie. Okay, you're gonna put the screws to those kids. You're gonna freak them out. You're gonna give them a little breathing room. No, I know. Your kid's gonna get a B and kill themselves. You're gonna put too much pressure on them. Give them a little, let them do their thing.

1:25:59 Drew Absolutely.

1:26:00 Adam Let them find their way.

1:26:00 Drew Absolutely.

1:26:01 Adam You're gonna freak them out. They'll jump off the bell tower at the college.

1:26:04 Drew Absolutely, I agree. Yeah, yeah.

1:26:06 Adam Well, that's what you say. Meanwhile, you're gonna put the screws and you're gonna freak them out.

1:26:10 Drew Well, here's the subtle part. I'm always telling them, hey, just take it easy. Just, you know, can we help you?

1:26:15 Adam I know, but you're cracking the whip with the other hand.

1:26:18 Drew That's what, internally, I wonder if they, you know, I'm so intense already when they take that on.

1:26:23 Adam So let them find their way.

1:26:24 Caller They'll go to a good college.

1:26:26 Drew You'll be fine. You're right. Gomez?

1:26:28 Adam Yeah, I'm here right here, but it's hard, hard, hard to hear.

1:26:31 I mean, you're increasing my volume, but hold on, my phone's still wired. Yeah, I can hear you, but it's just hard to hear you. Real hard, you gotta speak up.

1:26:36 Adam All right there, buddy, what's happening?

1:26:38 All right, buddy, I hear you easy now. Come on, I hear you now. Keep that tone up, I can hear you now. All right, I'm live, live, so Rod, Charlie, now, what do you wanna talk about?

1:26:48 Adam Hold on a second. I think I just bought some livestock.

1:26:52 Drew Well, that is either speed or bipolarmatic.

1:26:55 Adam Well, I hope it's both.

1:26:56 No, I'm ex-military, top-line military.

1:26:58 Adam Top-line, what service, what branch were you in?

1:27:03 No, neither, I'm ex-Airborne Ranger, Pat Chilman, the guy that died, number four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. And then I went to bombs, what, EOD in DC.? I'm over every federal agency in the sun back when I was 22. At 35 years old, my date of birth is 4-36-39. I'm a top-line, I'm all-out, and nothing new.

1:27:17 Adam All right, well, I'm glad you're trained with weapons.

1:27:18 Drew Oh, that sounds like you.

1:27:19 Right now, I don't know. You know, Pat Chilman, the guy that died, I'm an Airborne Ranger, I served in headquarters back, I went in August 18th, I can tell you anything.

1:27:26 Adam Okay, Gomez, I can't believe you haven't been called up into Iraq.

1:27:29 I'm trying to call you up, I've got to have more chairs than wire, I can't believe, you can go to my website, can you go online? Everything happens for a reason, come on, I want to talk to you, this is the first adult conversation we had at Love Live since ever. I've never heard of psoriasis, come on, I'm a doctor, I can take it very fastly, because if they can't read your students' names, they can't understand what I say, but we still process the data, but you're a doctor, we got Dr. Drew, I don't care what he is, he's a doctor, and I can read the code, I understand.

1:27:57 Adam I've never heard the guy do the, someone else do the lightning round.

1:28:00 Drew No, this is mania. And these guys, watch this, Gomez?

1:28:05 Adam Well, Drew, can't you just-

1:28:06 Caller No, I cut him down, he cursed too much.

1:28:08 Adam Oh, did he curse?

1:28:09 Drew We didn't hear curse.

1:28:11 Adam He was.

1:28:11 Caller What word did he use?

1:28:12 Adam And by the way, Drew, you don't know when a caller gets spotted down, you're just talking to him?

1:28:16 Caller He used at least the F word.

1:28:18 Caller I dumped the whole thing, because I thought he said something else, too.

1:28:19 Caller He was going too fast for me, I couldn't keep up.

1:28:22 Adam Well, I didn't hear the F word.

1:28:24 Drew I didn't either. He said it was the greatest F-ing call he's ever done, or something like that. It's so fast, you could easily miss it.

1:28:30 Adam I know, but if you could easily miss it, then who cares?

1:28:32 Drew Okay, that's called pressured speech. It's pressured, it's going with pressure.

1:28:37 Adam Some guys just have a gift for gab.

1:28:39 Drew It's derailed thought process, tangential thoughts. They don't, you know, missing connect.

1:28:43 Adam I followed him, he was airborne like Pat Dorman was.

1:28:46 Caller He told Brian that he's doing speed right now.

1:28:48 Drew Yeah, well, it's either speed and or bipolar manic. And one of the interesting things about these guys is when you ask them one of the sort of characteristic phrases they'll tell you is they figured it out. Let's ask Gomez if he figured it out.

1:29:03 Adam Drew, have you ever been right? That's my characteristic phrase for you.

1:29:07 Drew He's still talking.

1:29:08 Adam Drew, ever been right? Oh, by the way, it was 15 seconds of dead air and Drew was like, all right, Gomez, now that you're listening.

1:29:17 Drew No, no, I figured he's potted down, but I thought he'd potted him back up again.

1:29:20 No, I didn't hear you.

1:29:22 Adam Okay, well Gomez, you cannot use foul language on the air. We will hang up on you.

1:29:30 Drew Are you supposed to be taking... He said it twice more. He did not?

1:29:34 Adam Hold on.

1:29:35 No, I'm just saying that because you can't understand a word the man said.

1:29:37 Adam Anderson, please let him just amble on. Gomez?

1:29:42 Yeah, I hear you, but I very heard what you said.

1:29:44 Drew Gomez, are you supposed to be taking some medication?

1:29:46 No, if you need to go slower, I can go slower.

1:29:49 Adam Thank you.

1:29:50 I'm commenting about the last customer not being able to talk fast enough, so it's not my fault.

1:29:54 Caller It's a good point.

1:29:55 Drew Have you sort of figured things out, Gomez?

1:29:57 No, I just figured out by listening to you talk in the background that it's hard for you to understand how fast I talk. That's because I don't know what everybody else is. I hear him complain about how under the leg is for that girl. She hesitated and didn't know how to fast, but I don't know how fast you want it back in your face.

1:30:12 Drew See all those tangential.

1:30:13 Adam I'm following him. I miss speedy Gomez's.

1:30:17 Listen, listen. Am I asking this, Gomez? It's nothing to do with speed. It has to be able to, it has to do with how fast it flies. That technology, that T1 line, how fast can you push the keys? Your T1 line, internet, where do you want to go today?

1:30:32 Adam Well, I'd like to go to Sainville. Myname.tk What do you do for a living, Gomez?

1:30:42 Enjoy myself.

1:30:43 Adam Enjoy, enjoy yourself, but what do you do for a job?

1:30:47 Well, I don't need a job.

1:30:49 Adam Why not?

1:30:49 I'm a mixed military, why do I need a job? I have a job in my Bible, a job. Next question, I enjoy myself, I'm a mixed military. What do I need to work for?

1:30:56 Drew So are you disabled?

1:30:58 No, have I got a VA number two?

1:31:00 Adam Well, when you're in the military, you get paid like 800 bucks a month for four years.

1:31:05 I worked in DC during the go-for. I was the top, I worked for every federal agency in the state.

1:31:09 Adam All right, but don't you?

1:31:11 It's not about what, it's what can I do. Once you've worked for everybody, and during go-for, I was go-for, Pat Tillman, the Arizona football player.

1:31:18 Adam Not brought him up before, that's interesting.

1:31:20 He turned out $3.4 million. He should have kept his day job. See, in Latin, it's su espante. Right. Of your own accord.

1:31:28 Adam Well, sometimes they play night games, but.

1:31:30 Because you do it.

1:31:31 Adam Hey Gomez, where do you live?

1:31:34 Where do I live, where? I can't hear you.

1:31:36 Adam You just said, you just said.

1:31:37 Drew You repeated the question.

1:31:40 Adam Where do I live? Where do you live?

1:31:42 Where I am, I don't know. I know Weekly Rental, it's like $220 for this terrible place that's run by, yeah, and people that, some of it is.

1:31:50 Adam Weekly Rental. And where do you get the money? Where do you get the money for the Weekly Rental?

1:31:56 Well, minimum wage, there's nothing. Minimum wage, you can pay your rental. But I get money, money you can go, America's a throwaway society.

1:32:04 Adam Do you work?

1:32:06 America, no, 16 cans of aluminum, get you $1.10. And I have something like that in California, correct? What about aluminum go further in California?

1:32:13 Drew Well, you collect tin.

1:32:14 Adam And I focus on the two liter bottles.

1:32:16 Tracto, come on, go think, guys, Sopranos, waste management. If I'm a recycler, I recycle. I'm a recycler, I'm environmental.

1:32:23 Adam All right, that's good, all right.

1:32:25 Everywhere.

1:32:26 Caller All right, collect cans.

1:32:27 Hey, come on, back to Drew's ticket. I have more officers responding to me, and I'm saying where terrorists are, where chop shops are, and where drugs are. And see, your doctor out there is doing seven miles an hour in a no-zone.

1:32:37 Adam Well, how are the terrorists gonna strike next?

1:32:41 Oh, well, how would I do it if I was gonna do it?

1:32:43 Adam Yeah.

1:32:43 Well, if I was gonna be in line, what I woulda done, I woulda been lying.

1:32:47 Adam I'm guessing Gomez would take a shopping cart and load it full of fertilizer and recyclables and just ram it into a flop house.

1:32:58 Drew That'd be it.

1:32:59 Adam Because you gotta go for what you know. How would you do it, Gomez?

1:33:03 Now, I don't know, see, now this is NSA policy. I don't know how much you wanna give away. I can tell you for real, if I was this. But I don't know, now it's a question.

1:33:10 Adam What is it, why is that the cornerstone of crazy, which is, I got information, I know it's delusional. I could tell you about this. Meanwhile, I'm sleeping on an army cot in my shoes, by the way, every night, but I got information the government needs. Why is that? Is it the equivalent, Drew, to the people that are into reincarnation and they were nobility, the last one, they're never, it's always.

1:33:36 Drew It's a little closer to I'm Napoleon.

1:33:38 Adam Yeah, but when you go crazy, you always trade up. You always go crazy up.

1:33:43 Drew Grandiosity is always a grandiose component.

1:33:45 Adam Yeah, all right. All right Gomez, sorry buddy, we gotta take a break. Hang on though, we're gonna give you a shout out and say bye to you after this.

1:34:22 Drew See, they disconnected from us.

1:34:24 Adam Oh, oh.

1:34:25 Drew We want to talk to Gomez.

1:34:25 Adam We want to say bye to Gomez.

1:34:26 Drew Yeah, you gave, somebody disconnected us.

1:34:28 Adam We want to say bye. No, we can't. I tried to do it, I tried to do it with telepathy. There he is. All right, Gomez.

1:34:37 I hear ya.

1:34:37 Adam Here, buddy, listen.

1:34:38 10th or 11th, let me ask you that question.

1:34:40 Adam It's now the 11th. Now listen, stay on your meds.

1:34:43 No, come on, you talk about 11th, let me speak for the 11th. This is AHA, I'm reading the 11th. It says, removing the ground glass. We're doing 12-step programming.

1:34:52 Adam The 13th step is us getting off the air. All right, stay in that 12-step and remove that brown glass and pot him down, thank you. All right, we're gonna go take a little break. We'll be back tomorrow night. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo. Oh, you have almost gray eyes.

1:35:08 Drew Almost there.

1:35:09 Adam That's beautiful, beautiful.

1:35:11 Drew No, no, two seconds, two seconds. Push your way, go away.

1:35:20 Caller The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold.

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Monday, August 9, 2004