Episode 1000623724568

1:02 Adam Hey everybody, it's Love Line. I'm Adam Corolla. Dr. Drew is in Boston with his wife and children. His young girl got into ice skating some years back, and now he has to follow her around the country watching her ice skate. Let this be a lesson to everybody who gets their kids into something. It is a disaster. Do what my folks did. You just get your kids into TV and possibly marijuana. Dr. Bruce was supposed to fill in for Dr. Drew tonight. Dr. Bruce may still show up, although he may not. It's hard to tell. He's spastic. I guarantee he's somewhere between here and Yorba Linda going at least 93 in the Camry. His sister sold him. So he will probably show up here soon. Dr. Bruce, while being a spaz, is quite capable. So he can handle all your addiction medicine questions and emergency medicine and all that good stuff.

2:10 Dr. Bruce You know, sex is not a recreational sport.

2:13 Adam Yeah, I know. He looks like Ichabod Crane. He sounds like everyone you ever beat up in high school. But he actually is board certified and quite qualified. And Drew actually thinks he's a smart guy, even though he's so quirky. I can see why his first marriage didn't work out.

2:33 When was the last time anyone talked to him, Corolla?

2:35 Adam This evening.

2:36 Okay, because I left him a message yesterday and he didn't call me back. That's not like him. I was worried for a moment, but I'm cool now.

2:42 Adam I'm saying, when I say this evening, I say with a question mark. You mean, when's the last time we spoke to him tonight? Or did we speak to him tonight? I did not speak to him tonight. Producer Anne is running around like a chicken with her head cut off because we got this great thing over here at K-Rock, which is there is a gate and a buzzer and there's a note that says for nighttime service, push the buzzer and the thing rings, except for nothing rings inside the building. It's a perfect setup. And here's, by the way, what I love about humans and human nature. Producer Anne, who has to dutifully stand outside and wait for cars to pull up because the buzzer doesn't ring inside the building. It's basically a doorbell that's out on the street that doesn't ring into the house. So the person that lives in the house has to stand out in the street and then run back and forth because the phone rings inside the house and do all this. We'll never fix that buzzer. The buzzer has been effed up for at least the year that I've been here and I keep telling Ann, get the stupid buzzer fixed or tell somebody to fix the buzzer. That way you could sit inside like a human being and when Dr. Bruce pulled up 10 minutes late and rings the buzzer, you could buzz him in. Nope, she's out in the street right now waiting for him to come along. So she's doing that. Dr. Spaz is hopefully on his way. Anderson, you say you called him when?

4:08 Yesterday afternoon and I left him a message. He's pretty good about getting back to me.

4:12 Adam Uh-oh.

4:13 I remember thinking today, where's Bruce?

4:18 Adam Now I'm starting to worry a little bit because he's accident prone. He could easily be impaled on something right now, bleeding to death and with vultures circling overhead and we wouldn't know it.

4:32 He's a doctor, he can fix himself.

4:34 Adam All right, well, that's true, emergency medicine. If he's not in here in the next eight to 12 minutes, I'm officially gonna begin worrying. But anyway, that just leaves the Ace man tonight. Lucky you. We'll cut through all the crap. A couple of other things. Dylan Walsh from Nip Tuck, who was supposed to be our guest in here tonight, is not here tonight because their taping went late or something like that. So he's Nix for tonight. So it is really just me and the most important co-partner of the show, which is you, the caller. Yes, Engineer Chris? Yeah, he said right. Now, here's the thing.

5:15 Caller Exactly.

5:16 Adam I would like to, just nod, please. Just nod.

5:19 Caller Next time I will.

5:22 Adam Don't, shut the mic. Shut the mic off. That's right, push the mic, push the mic to the side. Hit yourself in the head with the mic. Thank you. We will take calls tonight on home improvement as well as maybe a sprinkling of automotive questions because I'm not gonna be able to handle these boring Dr. Drew calls. And we'll talk about relationships, we'll talk about psychology and a sprinkling of the medical stuff. But throw in a few home improvement questions tonight because if I'm gonna sit here for two hours, I'm gonna need some home improvement questions. We need to get to my wheelhouse. All right, let's start off by talking to Bo who's 20. Bo?

6:03 Hey, how's it going?

6:04 Adam What's up?

6:05 Yeah, I was born and raised in Sin City. Parents didn't like that idea. So about the time I turned 17, they moved to Utah. Now I was raised in a really religious family and I'm worried about whether or not I should, well, actually I'm asking you whether I should be worrying about this. You Mormon? Well, yeah, but should I worry about telling them about my sexuality?

6:30 Adam Well, you should if it's anything other than heterosexual. What is it?

6:33 Well, I'm bisexual.

6:35 Adam Bisexual.

6:36 Right, and we're a big family, seven kids. And me and my sister are the only ones that don't really go to church no more. I wouldn't really even think about it, but when I'm visiting my parents around the holidays and stuff, like when there's a commercial that maybe has a suggestion that has anything to do other than heterosexual, my mom gets this disgusted look on her face, so it's almost like I see her aiming that at me because I represent that.

7:04 Adam Hold on, Dylan, quit yapping. Well, first off, what happened with the bisexuality? You get molested, somebody screw around with you, you get diddled at a young age, camp counselor, something like that?

7:14 No, I don't think so, not that I know of.

7:19 Adam Just straight bisexual, pardon the pun. And are you sure you're not just gay? I mean, most guys I know that are bisexual were just basically in transition to being gay. The bi part of bisexual saying bye to heterosexuality and hello to homo.

7:37 Huh.

7:37 Adam Do you know what I'm saying?

7:38 Well, I mean, I plan on marrying a woman.

7:40 Adam You do?

7:40 But I want her to be a swinger.

7:43 Adam Really? What happened? What happened to you? Is it like growing up in Vegas? Like, too many...

7:50 Well, a lot of crazy stuff goes on out there, I guess. I mean, I didn't get hard into drugs or anything like that. And I was never really beat up on or anything like that.

8:01 Adam What's up with you, though? You're bisexual. You want your wife to be a swinger? All this in just a normal environment? You just grow up in a normal family?

8:09 Well, I guess for the most part, it's normal if you consider going to church every Sunday and then having a family night on a Monday and being involved in some sports and a band in middle school. I guess that's all normal.

8:22 Adam All right. Here's the whole thing with the sexuality. You don't live at home, right?

8:28 Caller Right. I moved out when I was 17. All right. Well, I guess there is one thing that happened that I mean, that's even why my parents are like worrying about it is because when I was 17, I was involved in an FBI investigation or whatever.

8:41 Adam Why?

8:43 Caller I was actually at somebody's house that was committing fraud over the Internet.

8:50 Adam Oh, all right, that's nothing. Here's the here's the whole thing. Dr. Bruce has just slinked into the studio. But here's the thing, Bo.

9:02 Caller You don't need to announce your personal opinion. I don't care if it's, you know, it's all right.

9:06 Adam Quiet down. You don't need to announce your sexuality to your parents. You really don't. At a certain point, right.

9:12 Dr. Bruce I've had a couple times.

9:15 Adam Bruce, the mic's hot. Your mic's been hot the whole time. At a certain point, if push comes to shove and you're 33 and your mom wants to know why you've never been married and where are my grandkids, then go ahead and possibly pipe up and tell her about your heter, I mean, your bisexuality. But at age 20, you're living out of the house. Parents don't need to know your sexual proclivity. I think they're Mormon or Christian or something. Don't burden them. And by the way, I don't think that everyone needs to know everything. I really don't. As a parent, if I had some 20 year old that was bisexual, I don't need to know all the details. I want her to be happy. I want her to be safe. Hopefully one day they'll settle down, get married and crank out some grandkids. But what they're doing in their 20s and who they're doing it with, as long as they're wearing the condom, don't need to know about it. And, and when you really insist on telling your parents, I wonder what your motivation is.

10:15 Dr. Bruce Well, is it a drama queen or is it? Right.

10:18 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Now, what's the matter? Bruce, what happened? Where are you, buddy? What's going on? You showed up late tonight. What? What's going on? You're really spazzing out. Chris, it's, it's, it's Dr. Dr. Bruce is spazzer than he normally is, right? What's up, Bruce? You high? No. No. All right. Just running late?

10:40 Dr. Bruce Are you okay?

10:41 Adam You want to take some niacin or something?

10:43 Dr. Bruce No.

10:44 Adam You're running. What's, what's up? You're not, you're not going to stab me or anything, are you? You can leave now. I don't need you. It's just how much national radio do you actually do where you can waltz in nine and a half minutes late? Yeah. That's right. Nine and a half minutes.

11:01 Dr. Bruce Not much.

11:02 Adam All right. How's your sister's camera? Are you working out?

11:06 Dr. Bruce Hey, that's a fine car. I've been offered great trades on it. I'm sure. It just has an appeal.

11:12 Adam Chicks dig a camera.

11:13 Dr. Bruce Yeah. That implies that you're stable. Yeah.

11:17 Adam Four doors.

11:17 Dr. Bruce You're supporting somebody.

11:18 Adam Six-cylinder, automatic. They love it.

11:21 Dr. Bruce The four-cylinder is much better than the six. Actually higher resale. Really? Yes. I know more about cameras than you do. That's probably the only car in the world.

11:28 Adam I really find it hard to believe that the four-cylinder is higher resale than the six. It is.

11:33 Dr. Bruce It's a workhorse.

11:34 Adam I know. I don't believe you. I'm calling you a liar. I'm telling you, I know.

11:37 Dr. Bruce I checked in the blue book. It's actually. I'll bet you.

11:40 Adam All right. Look, forget about it. Get on the Internet and we'll find out.

11:44 Dr. Bruce All right.

11:44 Adam I bet you 20 bucks.

11:45 Dr. Bruce 20, that's all?

11:46 Adam $20. $20. Same mileage, same year, same everything.

11:51 Dr. Bruce I'll bet you 100.

11:52 Adam Same mileage, same everything, right?

11:55 Dr. Bruce Same mileage, same everything.

11:56 Adam I mean, it's got to be the same car. It's got to be the same year. It's got to be the same everything, right?

11:59 Dr. Bruce Same car, same year.

12:01 Adam You're saying the fours are going higher. Look, Dr. Bruce just pulled out a crisp $100 bill. And by the way, not from his wallet. He pulled it right out of his crotch. Were you dancing tonight?

12:14 Dr. Bruce That's what it is.

12:15 Adam Chris, look at that. You ever seen a $100 bill before? Yeah. You didn't know they went that high.

12:20 Dr. Bruce That's pretty cool.

12:21 Adam Chris thought they went... I asked him once. He said he thought the highest denomination was they went up to like 87. He had no idea that it made it to 100.

12:30 Dr. Bruce I don't know dead presidents, but Ben Franklin is on this. He's not a dead president.

12:33 Adam Oh, I didn't even know he wasn't president. All right. We're going to bet $100 with Dr. Bruce that now, again, here's the whole thing. The Kelly Blue Book doesn't mean anything. What means something is the auto trader, the recycler, people selling them. Hold on a second. Let me just address this. God bless you for bringing this up on Loveline because this is the kind of topics we got to get into. But here's the thing. Everybody wants to talk Blue Book, high Blue Book, low Blue Book. Here's what the Blue Book is. The Blue Book, it's like a Blue Book on your house. You can have somebody appraise your house until the cows come home. Ultimately, can you find a buyer at $700,000 or $500,000 or a million? You know what I mean? That's what the house is worth. And your car, what it's worth is what you see them in in the recycler, in the auto trader, online, eBay, that kind of thing. Kelley Blue Book is usually fat, it's usually a little bit high, or it gives you a window, you know, $6500 to $10,000.

13:39 Dr. Bruce Of course, I checked the Kelley Blue Book and it is higher than that. So that's why I pulled $100 out of the fest.

13:44 Adam Well, we'll get on the Internet. We'll look for it. I can't imagine that the four-cylinder goes for more. Anyway, Dr. Bruce is here, board certified. He's taking a multivitamin. He did not put the product in his hair, which usually guarantees a good show. He's going with the dry look tonight, which always means trouble. All right. Are you ready to rock here?

14:07 Dr. Bruce I'm ready.

14:08 Adam All right. Let's talk to… I'm just going down the line here. We'll talk to Michelle, who's 16. Michelle?

14:17 Hey, what's up?

14:18 Adam What's up?

14:19 I was just wondering about how I can get into the radio business and journalism and stuff like that, because I know you're like the coolest person right now.

14:29 Adam Yeah, smoke detector. All right. We're going to need to focus on that. First I need to pace your smoke detector. So it went off about 13…

14:40 I don't even hand it anymore.

14:41 Adam Yeah, that's a good thing.

14:43 Dr. Bruce Why don't you replace the battery?

14:45 Adam Go…

14:45 Because that's my dad's job.

14:47 Adam Went off about 1322, and it usually goes off between 30 and 35 seconds. So, I'm looking for something any second now. Let's just focus these things. There we go. Okay, that went off at 57 and then 32, so it's at 35 seconds. Through doing Loveline, I know how… It's probably the Coleman Smokebuster series. Let me just… Let me just… Again, now I've become obsessed. I have to track it entirely. Okay, don't talk, baby doll. It's going to go off… It should go off at 32, just a little… 31 or 32, are you right? 5, 4, 3, 2… Okay, 30. That's pretty amazing. All right, I'm going to… Yeah, it's about 34 seconds. So, it should go off at 1504, according to our contact line. You got 33? All right, let's see if I can nail this one. We're going to keep you on all night until I actually nail it. Five… No, no. Wait, I'm a little bit early.

15:55 All right, here we go.

15:56 Adam Let's see. I got to go at 2509. Five, four, three, two, one, go. All right.

16:07 Dr. Bruce Still have two seconds.

16:08 Adam No, that was not two seconds off.

16:10 Dr. Bruce Sorry.

16:11 Adam Jackass. Here's the point. Is this in your room or is it in the hallway?

16:16 Caller There is one in my room, but I don't actually know if it's the one like there's one in the hall. There's like one everywhere.

16:24 Adam Okay. How long has this been going off?

16:26 Caller Since we've been here.

16:28 Adam Oh, okay. Well, you guys, let me go ahead and check your lease agreement. You guys moved in. It says 926.03. Hold on. Let me pull that up. Pull that paperwork up. Hold on a second. First off, Michelle is stupid enough to be in radio. This could just work. I love that answer. How long has it been going off? Since we've been here. Since we've been here. By the way, if anyone wants to know why I flirt with driving off a freeway overpass every night on the way home, it's those kinds of answers. This is why I have such disdain for our callers. But secondly, I've said it many times, the smoke detector every 30 seconds, and it's loud over the phone. If you were in the small apartment and that thing was chirping, I would have an epileptic seizure after 10 minutes. The point is, this would drive a reptile insane. Do you understand that if you had like a snake in an aquarium, it would eat its own tail and kill itself because of that goddamn smoke detector? And these people who call our show actually go to sleep in the bedroom that it's in and have an amazing ability to eventually tune it out, which is what you would just have to do. Otherwise you go insane.

17:45 Dr. Bruce Correlation with abuse, I guarantee you.

17:47 Adam Really?

17:48 Dr. Bruce Must be.

17:49 Adam Michelle?

17:49 Caller Yeah.

17:50 Adam Were you ever abused?

17:52 Caller Um, yeah, maybe like three times.

17:55 Adam Who, who did it?

17:56 Caller Um, there's this guy at my church and like, I guess I was like maybe four or five, I guess. And then there's another, the second one was a girl, but that only happened once. But the one guy, it happened like numerous of times and it stopped and I was like, um.

18:17 Adam Sexual abuse.

18:18 Caller Maybe eight.

18:18 Adam All right. Have you ever got any counseling?

18:21 Caller No.

18:22 Adam All right.

18:25 Dr. Bruce Fifty-four. So, so Michelle, it may seem strange we're drawing a correlation of abuse with ignoring a very annoying stimulus.

18:34 Adam You have to be able to tune things out.

18:35 Dr. Bruce Right. Absolutely.

18:37 Adam And by the way, this is, this is abuse, by the way. Your dad's not changing the goddamn battery and the smoke detector. Would you tell your stupid no-count dad to get up on a chair and change his stupid battery?

18:48 Dr. Bruce Why don't you just unhook it if you're going to live dangerously anyway? Because the chances of your father changing the battery after I don't know how many years.

18:58 Adam It went right at fifty-four. That's all I do is track smoke detectors on this show. As a matter of fact, if you don't have a smoke detector with a low battery chirp, don't bother calling.

19:07 Dr. Bruce Don't call Loveline.

19:09 Adam All right.

19:09 Dr. Bruce So, listen.

19:10 Adam I'll tell you how to get a radio. I'll tell you how to get a radio. Go to a radio station and intern. Answer the phones. Drive the vans. Just get there and show up. That's how you get in a radio. Forget about all the broadcast classes and communication degrees. Forget about all that stuff. Go to the radio station. Get to the radio station. Start volunteering at the radio station. Next thing you know, you're answering phones, you're driving the van and you're producing the morning show. All right? All right. Good times.

19:40 Dr. Bruce Amazing.

19:42 Adam By the way, it's an interesting subject, Bruce, which is the ability for human beings to tune out the outside world. These are the people who smell the high heaven and never know it. These are the guys driving around with the space saver spare tire on their car and they're going on month 13. Once something is, it becomes part of the landscape and they have zero ability to change. They won't enact any change. They tune it out. And I argue at that point, you're more animal than human being.

20:17 Dr. Bruce Well, or frequently to a very impressionable age, as in this case, persons had abuse. But if something happens that's traumatic in an impressionable age, people tend to try and establish that kind of a pattern, that kind of pattern of chaos in their lives.

20:35 Adam But good times. I would take a mop handle, that thing. I would go insane. And then I would take the mop handle to my dad for not changing the 9-volt.

20:44 Dr. Bruce Well, they designed that to be an annoying sound, one that you're not going to be able to put up.

20:55 Adam With. They had no idea, actually, here's the whole thing, I wonder, they must have a smoke detecting manufacturers conference that goes on every year. I'm sure it's a lot of exciting guys wearing clip-on ties. I would like to show up and speak to this group and go, you know that super high, loud, annoying decibel chirp sound that the thing makes every 29 seconds or so when the battery goes low? Not enough! Useless. We have people who are going on nine months of that chirp without changing the battery. You understand? Here's what's going to have to happen. It is going to have to actually start a small fire in order to get, ironically, it needs to burst into flames because half the people in the country will not change the battery based on the loud audible chirp that goes off every 30 seconds for the rest of their life. They will tune it out like animals.

21:44 Dr. Bruce I've thought a subliminal message coming out of the thing would be the only...

21:47 Adam No, it must like spray sulfur gas into the room. It must be something that makes your eyes water that you actually have to put a bag over your head and reach up and change a thing because they won't. The other thing about smoke detectors is everyone's whole thing is like, you got to put them up on the ceiling. You've got to put them on the ceiling. They go on the ceiling because that's where all the smoke goes. Well, here's the problem. You can't reach stuff on the ceiling and most idiots, once it's anything that's out of the reach, it ain't happening. Light bulb goes out, smoke detector goes out, there's a roach on the ceiling. You can't reach it. You can't get to it. You can't do anything about it. Now, a monkey can figure out to slide a chair over if you put a banana on a string, but not half the people in this country. So it's out of reach. And I would say, why not put the thing down the wall two feet and just put it on the wall?

22:40 Dr. Bruce Yeah, which in the instructions, which I've read many times, they tell you you can do that.

22:44 Adam Yeah, at least that way you can get to it. And then here's the other problem, quite honestly. Nobody has nine volt batteries lying around the house. Everyone has the AA, the Cs, they have the stuff for the flashlight, they have the stuff for the Walkman. You know, they have the stuff for the games and the toys and stuff like that, but they don't have the nine volt they're sitting around. And I believe that's a deal breaker for half the people.

23:06 Dr. Bruce I have them sitting around. You can test speakers with them.

23:08 Adam Yeah. No, listen, put them on your tongue.

23:10 Dr. Bruce Yeah, they're the least used. Yeah.

23:14 Adam Dr. Bruce over here knows everything about smoke detectors. Night has a barrel of nine volt batteries. Yet can't make the national radio show on time. Fascinating dichotomy. Show that name of Cologne after you. Tardy.

23:28 Dr. Bruce You had your fun.

23:31 Adam We got to take a break. I like this call. I like guy Anne over here is 25, she's 32 years old. She's been in a coma for 33 days, Anne. Anne, if that smoke detector had been going off in the hospital room that you were in, you would have gotten up out of your coma or possibly still in your coma and change your battery.

23:50 No, we change our batteries here.

23:52 Adam Smart. Smart.

23:54 Dr. Bruce So her boyfriend's been in a coma 33 days.

23:56 Adam Oh, her boyfriend.

23:57 I'm not in a coma. I'm here.

23:58 Adam Oh, he would have gotten up and changed it. How was he put in a coma?

24:02 He, he rides a bicycle in downtown LA for his job. And on May 21st, so it's been about 33, 34 days or so. On May 21st, he was on his way home from downtown LA to our house in East LA and was going through a controlled intersection and was hit by an elderly man who went through the intersection. He wears his helmet every day, but this day he was not wearing it. And he was hit, he came up onto the windshield, shattered the windshield, came off the car and the man pushed him, not dragged him, but pushed him through the intersection. How many feet or yards is not known. He had mentally said he didn't break, but he broke his tibula, he has a C-spine fracture and he had, at the beginning what they thought was some minor bleeding in the brain, which progressed severely over the next few days after the accident and he was in a coma. At first he was medically induced, they had him on Pennebarb.

25:14 Adam Why do they, for the brain swelling, Bruce, is that why they medically induced the coma?

25:18 Dr. Bruce Right.

25:20 Adam Could you do that for me? Hold on a second, Dr. Bruce is out of town, I mean Dr. Drew is out of town for a week.

25:28 Dr. Bruce So when he comes back.

25:30 Adam Now I see some long nights ahead of me, could you just medically induce a coma for me?

25:34 Dr. Bruce I think the show might be a disaster.

25:35 Adam I don't think it would, I don't think it would hurt it much. Nobody noticed? Yeah, it just cart me home. Once, here's the thing, once I got my car down the street and go in the right direction, I could probably make it home.

25:44 Dr. Bruce You probably could.

25:45 Adam Alright, get the drugs to medically induce a coma for me. Hold on a second, Ann, we got to take a break, we're running a little bit late. Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew, board certified, he knows emergency medicine much better than Drew. He knows addiction medicine. He knows how to remove tattoos with lasers. He's really much more than meets the eye or ear or tongue on occasion. Much more. All accurate. Much more. Alright, Ann, hang on a second. We'll get back to the Boyfriend in the Coma all after this.

26:22 Caller Loveline will be right back, so get your problems ready. Ready.

26:31 Caller As many as one in three Americans with HIV don't know it, to find a testing location near you, call toll free, 1-866-344-KNOD.

26:43 Adam That's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew, who's chasing his daughter to Boston, who's chasing her Olympic dreams. Every time I hear about one of these stories, you know, when Drew is like, yeah, my daughter's going to Paris, and she's going to, well, her and her group, they're going ice skating, they're going to Paris for 10 days. I'm like, well, hold on, I got to, where's my dad? Where's his nut sack? I got to put my knee into his nut sack. She's quite a skater. I can't believe this. That's what I hear. But it's trouble, as I was saying at the top of the show, because now what happens? They get progressively better, they get more into it. Next thing you know, there's tournaments, next thing you know, there's travel, you're choking them around, you're getting them up early, you're taking them in for rehearsal and practice. Drew's wife was telling me the skates were like 300 bucks a pop.

27:36 Dr. Bruce And the lessons.

27:37 Adam And, and lessons, and I didn't even know, like, I didn't know anybody who owned their own ass when I was younger, and I think it was harder to have stuff back then. Like if you had, you know, you didn't own your own bowling ball, you didn't own your own ice skates, you didn't own shoes, you didn't own bowling shoes, like everything, like if you had a mini bike or something, maybe you wore a football helmet, you didn't even have a motorcycle helmet, like you just stuff had to do double duty. Like, if you wanted to go out dirt bike riding, put on a football helmet, put on some gardening gloves and put on some like hockey catcher shin guards, you know, you didn't have dedicated equipment to dedicated stuff. And if you had your own hockey skates, your own bowling ball, you must be professional.

28:22 Dr. Bruce Right.

28:22 Adam There's no two ways about it.

28:24 Dr. Bruce Not today.

28:25 Adam I think stuff is a lot cheaper and a lot easier and people have their own ass. I mean, growing up, people had their own mitts, right? Some people had some cleats and once in a while, a guy had a bat and a football and possibly basketball. But that's about as far as it got. There was there was there was no there was no nobody. Nobody had like like if you had your own pool cue, you were a hustler. Oh, you had to be professional.

28:55 Dr. Bruce I had my own golf clubs. They were terrible. They were hand me.

28:57 Adam They had golf clubs. Yeah, that was another. I grew up. My neighbor, Tony Truex was his name, had his own golf clubs and I was like 10 and he must have been 40, you know, and he used to sit in his backyard and chip. And I remember he had a couple of trophies and stuff like that. And my thing was like, he must be on the tour. Like he's got the cleats, got the shoes. He's got the clubs. He's a pro. Or he's just some eccentric millionaire for some reason decided to live in a crappy house in North Hollywood. But how could anyone possibly have their own golf clubs? I remember thinking. And stuff was more expensive. And I think my loser family talked me out of anyone owning anything like that. So it was like it was it was considered extravagant for people to have their own stuff. So you just sort of, well, we're not we're not the Carnegie's. We can't be getting into that.

29:49 Dr. Bruce No.

29:49 Adam Did you have your own golf clubs when you were a kid?

29:52 Dr. Bruce How old? Twelve. Really? They're my uncle's hand me down.

29:56 Adam Where did you play golf at 12?

29:57 Dr. Bruce Long Island. Long Island.

29:59 Adam You go golfing?

30:00 Dr. Bruce Oh, yeah.

30:00 Adam Really?

30:01 Dr. Bruce Page Park, the black horse.

30:02 Adam Who took you?

30:04 Dr. Bruce Oh, we'd get one of the dads to take cartasol down. It was great. We get in a foursome with a couple of old guys. They'd be drunk by about the third hole and telling you dirty jokes.

30:14 Adam Really?

30:14 Dr. Bruce And we get thrown out. One of our friends, he'd always swim in the water hazards.

30:17 Adam Why they call it the black horse?

30:21 Dr. Bruce The Schwarzenegger? The black horse is a very famous course. It wasn't in that great of shape when I was a teenager, but a couple of years ago, they had a PGA on it.

30:33 Adam Like again, I didn't know people under 30 could even golf. I didn't even know it was legal. I didn't know what do you do, who takes you, how does this work?

30:43 Dr. Bruce In the 60s, a lot of high schools started having a golf team.

30:46 Adam Yeah, I think our high school had a golf team, too, but it was always it was shrouded in mystery. It was like the Skoll and Bones Club over at Harvard, at Yale, whichever one it was. I can't I didn't know any of it's like these guys, they seem to have their own clubs. Some of them have their own cars. They drive somewhere and go play golf. I don't even you know, obviously, there's no golf golf course in the schoolyard. It was just weird and mystery. Strange rich kids from the hills come down. I think they're students here. I could never figure out what they were doing or what they were doing.

31:17 Dr. Bruce Just you know, you start with the driving range. Everybody used to go.

31:19 Adam I got thrown off a driving range. I shanked. I actually had I kept shanking them into the tennis court. But no, I would go on the driving range and rent the driver. Right. And just bash the ass out of a bucket of balls. And I kept I kept shanking them into the tennis court, which was next to the next to the driving range. And the manager came out and he stood behind me and he said, if you put another one into the tennis court, you're going to have to leave. And he watched me tee it up and put it in a tennis court. And you know, it was one of these rare rare exchange. No conversation. No, it's just I just looked at him. He looked at me a hand in the club and I just quietly and with with dignity, with my head held up, walked out and you thought you had the control, the control probably worked out on your purpose. Ann, who is 25, says her like bike messenger boyfriend has been in a coma for 30 some odd days. Is he out of the coma now? Oh, it's a medically induced.

32:22 No, not anymore.

32:23 Dr. Bruce Not anymore.

32:23 No.

32:23 Dr. Bruce Did he ever regain consciousness?

32:25 Never.

32:25 Dr. Bruce Immediately.

32:27 No. From the time he was admitted, he was out. And they put him on the pen and barb about maybe 30 hours after he was admitted. And they took him off the pen and barb. They kept him on it for about 23 days.

32:39 Adam That's the medically induced.

32:40 Dr. Bruce That's a long time.

32:41 That's what I was told too. But they had to because his ICP was so, it was climbing so high.

32:46 Dr. Bruce Bless you.

32:47 Adam Is that the same clown posse?

32:49 Yeah.

32:49 Dr. Bruce Intercranial pressure.

32:51 Adam Oh, okay. But let me, let me, let me ask this. And the anus now seems like she's become a nurse based on the tribulations of her boyfriend. But what's the difference in how your, how your body reacts and you being unconscious for a number of days and then putting you in a coma?

33:12 Dr. Bruce Well, you're decreasing the metabolic rate in the brain basically.

33:15 Adam So the, so when, when, when we put you, so if I was just passed out, I would not be slowed down sufficiently.

33:23 Dr. Bruce No. Well, you know, you're, if you're passed out, I mean, passed out from what? This is...

33:28 Adam Well, why do you put him in a coma when he's already knocked out?

33:31 Dr. Bruce Because you want to decrease metabolism.

33:33 Adam What's the difference between a coma and being knocked out?

33:36 Dr. Bruce That's a very, okay, loss of consciousness or people talk about a concussion.

33:41 Adam Right.

33:42 Dr. Bruce But a concussion is not just loss of consciousness. A concussion can be a neurologic deficit that occurs without you losing consciousness.

33:49 Adam So you get no bike accident, you get whacked in the head, you lose consciousness.

33:53 Dr. Bruce Right. All right.

33:53 Adam Then you go into the hospital, you're still unconscious.

33:56 Dr. Bruce Right.

33:56 Adam But they say we'll put you in a medically induced coma so the brain doesn't swell. Why? You're already unconscious. That's what I'm saying.

34:03 Dr. Bruce Because it's not to do with conscious or unconscious. The point is the skull is a closed cavity. The brain cannot, you can't withstand much swelling before you start to compromise.

34:15 Adam So it's pushing against the walls.

34:16 Dr. Bruce Right. So what happened with this guy and having been an ER doctor at a trauma center for two decades, people come in and you immediately, as quickly as possible, get a brain scan of one sort or another. And if you see this kind of swelling or if you see bleeding that portends to swelling, you put them in the medically induced coma so it flows. You drill a hole in their head. You put in a pressure monitor. Well, it depends, if they have a focal area of bleeding.

34:49 Adam You actually put a hole in the skull, tap it, and essentially put what would be like an oil pressure gauge?

34:56 Well, in my boyfriend's case, they did not put a shank in. They just put what they told me was a bolt just to monitor the pressure.

35:05 Dr. Bruce Basically, Adam would love it. You get a drill out, a hand drill, and you choose an area back on the back top of the head. And you drill straight through the skull, through the brain matter, and into the ventricle.

35:18 Adam Through the brain matter? Wow!

35:21 Dr. Bruce But it's an area where you know you don't have major nerve centers. You're not going to have damage from doing that.

35:29 Adam You come to speak fluent Cantonese.

35:32 Dr. Bruce You have an area of fluid, ventricles in the brain that have fluid, so you get the pressure monitor into that. They call it a bolt. They put a bolt in, put something in the skin.

35:41 Adam Relieves the pressure?

35:43 Dr. Bruce No, that's not going to... If you have generalized swelling, that's not going to relieve the pressure. That's going to tell you what the pressure is.

35:51 They never drain the fluid out of the brain through a... A shunt or a venta? What is that term called? Ventor lock?

36:00 Adam Well, let's call it a shunt.

36:01 Dr. Bruce Interventricular... I mean, there's shunts. The point is, you either have... If you smash your head on where your temple is, there's the meningeal or you can have a...

36:11 Adam I'm going into a coma.

36:12 Dr. Bruce Before they had brain scanners, they'd do what's called burr holes. You had this thing that would drill a hole about a half inch in diameter.

36:18 Adam Half inch?

36:19 Dr. Bruce And when somebody came in, they'd been...

36:20 Adam Hold on. Engineer Chris's brain is only 3 eighths wide. You understand? Half inch, the thing would fall out and you'd have to chase it.

36:28 Dr. Bruce This is fascinating. In the old days, when I started doing emergency medicine, when I was a medical student...

36:32 Adam One of the chances this is actually going to be fascinating.

36:35 Dr. Bruce Oh, really good. Before they had brain scanners, which tells you how old I am, and I'd hang around as a medical student, if you wanted to see a bad head injury come in, and nowadays, if you zoom it down to the brain scanner, you can tell exactly what's happening in the brain. If you hit a certain area where there's an artery and you hit just a focal area of bleeding and pressure from that artery, well, then if you relieve that single area of pressure, then you've accomplished a lot. In the old days, when you didn't have the scanner, they'd have burr holes, you'd have a drill, and it was like a half inch bit. Half inch? You'd see people...

37:14 Adam How many millimeter bit would it be?

37:17 Dr. Bruce Say about 20 millimeters. 20 millimeters?

37:21 Adam 25 is an inch, you gooseball. How do you be a doctor, don't you know the metric system?

37:25 Dr. Bruce That's the fascinating part of the story. In the old days... You didn't know where this focal area of bleeding was, so they would drill these holes all the way around the skull.

37:35 Adam It's like you were looking for oil.

37:36 Dr. Bruce It was. And the neurosurgeons at that time...

37:41 Adam Yeah, listen, it hurts my teeth. The point is... Ann?

37:46 Well, let me tell you why I call that.

37:47 Adam Is he still in the coma?

37:49 He's still in the coma, and the prognosis is very serious. They've done several EEG studies, several CT scans, MRIs, and the neuro team from two different hospitals, because he's been in two different hospitals now, have given us the prognosis that he will have no quality of life, absolutely no quality of life. And they're really pushing for us to make a decision. And it's very black and white is what they're doing. Either withdrawal treatment, because he's 100% dependent on the ventilator.

38:27 Adam Right. And now when you say us to make a decision, you're his girlfriend.

38:32 I'm his girlfriend, and I'll get to some of the background also on that. Either withdrawal treatment or get him out of an acute hospital into a long-term nursing home, because right now he's not sick. His vitals are stable. He just has a severe brain injury. The thing is that him and I have lived together for almost a little over three years. He's my best friend in the whole world. We never got married, so I have no medical directive. Legally, I'm being totally excluded from this, and it's been really difficult.

39:13 Adam Well, how do you get along with his parents?

39:15 His family is all from Mexico. Now, he was raised here, and I'm white, and they were very blunt about their opinions about me being white, and they didn't like that from the get-go.

39:29 Adam Really?

39:31 And they're not hiding it at all. So he's not very close with his family and hasn't been since I've known him.

39:38 Adam Okay, here's the thing. So what's the question?

39:42 Caller I just, I wish I knew, is there anything I could do, any resources, any way I could get involved, because right now, by law, I have no power.

39:52 Adam I don't, I'm no attorney. I don't think there's anything you can do as the guy's girlfriend. I think if you were married, it would be a totally different situation. The fact that you cohabitated probably is neither here nor there. If his family was sympathetic to your position and you were like a daughter to them, that would be a different situation. I think you have about as much power as the family will let you have.

40:19 Caller Well, and it's not really about power. I don't want any power. I just don't...

40:22 Adam Well, I don't mean power. I mean say so. You have about as much as they will let you do that. Okay, I understand. We got to go to break. Here's what you need to do. You need to find the member of the family that you get along with the best or don't get along with the worst or whatever the case may be. Find the one you're closest to and have a peace offering. Take them out to lunch. A bottle of tequila is always nice. And you can grease their palms.

40:52 Dr. Bruce Let me just ask one question.

40:53 Adam Stop at the ATM. Talk to that person and see if you can use that person to get you into this mix. Don't come at them with, I deserve or here's what I think. Just say, we both have great love for this person. You like to be involved with decision making now.

41:08 Dr. Bruce I just want to tell her one thing.

41:09 Adam What?

41:10 Dr. Bruce That she needs to... I just was wondering if she looked into head injury resources because there are associations that deal just with head injury.

41:19 Adam Okay, we'll do that. We need to take a break. But look in, she hears you.

41:24 Dr. Bruce Okay, and the social worker is your best friend. You need to team up with the social worker. The social worker is bilingual.

41:29 Adam All right, we're going to take ourselves a... Oh, they're all bilingual. But it's usually that. I think they speak German and English mostly. I'll look at them out here in LA. We'll take a quick break. Dr. Bruce fell in for Dr. Drew. We'll be right back. 1-800-LOVE-191. Hey, buddy, it's Adam.

41:51 Dr. Bruce And I'm Dr. Drew.

41:52 Adam Here to talk about Axe Deodorant Body Spray.

41:54 Dr. Bruce Yes, sir.

41:55 Adam You spray that on, you give Stink the Axe. Hey, everybody, Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew, who's filming Ice Castles 2 in Boston. He's chasing his daughter's Olympic dreams over there. She's doing some ice skating. He's taking a little vacation. Dr. Bruce, the very capable Dr. Bruce, is filling in board certified and all that good stuff. It's a quick home improvement call and a question, although we never really actually begged on the show for nine years for a home improvement question and they're always ridiculous. They're never actual home improvement questions, but Shanna may surprise us. It's Shanna. You spell Shanna, S-H-A-N-A?

42:51 No, actually I don't. I spell it S-H-A-I-N-A.

42:54 Adam Oh, okay. They were missing the I. What's happening? Baby doll.

43:00 So Adam, I have this computer or more and it's a ready to assemble kind of thing and I stained it with China red. But I was retarded when I started it and I didn't know that you're supposed to wipe off the stain. And so I have this part that's all goopy. And I'm wondering if I took a rotary sander to it, if it would totally ruin the wood.

43:26 Adam Yeah. Well, here's the thing. You say rotary, but what you really mean is random orbital.

43:34 Caller Oh, really?

43:35 Adam Yeah. Rotary would really eat into it and leave a lot of deep grooves and swirl marks, you know, like a deep sander. I have random orbital sanders, which seem like a rotary sander. And maybe they even call, maybe some people will call them rotary sanders.

43:50 Caller It's a little disk sander. It's not like...

43:52 Adam It's a disk sander, but it's random and orbital rather than just orbital. And meaning it doesn't dig in. It's not like a car buffer. It's one of the best tools to be invented in the last 10 years. Yeah, that wouldn't hurt. You could also just take like a medium grade steel wool and some paint thinner, some lacquer thinner and just go at it.

44:17 Caller Well, it's water based, so I don't think I can put any thinner on it.

44:22 Caller Yeah, you can do that.

44:24 Caller Yeah.

44:24 Adam Just get some steel wool and a little lacquer thinner.

44:28 Dr. Bruce It sounds like she left it on for so long that it probably couldn't be created deeper.

44:32 Adam Yeah, it's dry, but you want to lighten it up.

44:35 Caller Yeah, I just want to get it off of there so I can redo it.

44:38 Adam All right, here's the thing. You bought the thing. It's a computer stand. You bought it at like IKEA or something or one of these nude furniture places. Here's the thing. I'm sure it has a thin, a very thin veneer of oak or ash or...

44:54 Caller I think it... Well, some of it's alder and some of it's beech.

44:59 Adam Oh, she knows her wood. Yeah, it's alder. Yeah, the alder is probably the solid part, but I guarantee the larger panels...

45:08 Caller The facade is alder and then the rest is beech.

45:11 Adam I guarantee the beech or the solid panels are very thin veneer. And if you sand them, you risk cutting into that veneer. That veneer sometimes is like a 32nd of an inch thick or 6th of an inch thick.

45:22 Caller Right, that's what I'm worried about. But it's actually... I think this part should be pretty thick because it's the sides. It's like the main...

45:31 Adam Yeah. Okay, it can also just be edge banding, which is again very thin. You'd be, everyone, you'd be surprised that what you think is solid wood is not solid wood. In fact, it's particle board or plywood or multiply or something like that with a very thin. And when I say thin, I mean like almost paper thin veneer of the actual hard wood over the top of it. And if you start sanding into it, you immediately cut through that veneer and get into the particle board. It looks like fried hell. That's why I'm saying stay away. Plus, the ladies shouldn't be handling the hand tools and less or the power tools and less.

46:10 Caller Yes, Shayna, I have some experience.

46:12 Adam Are you lesbian, though? No, you don't have any experience.

46:15 Caller You say you have experience. I'm holding my daughter in my arms.

46:16 Adam All right. So you don't have any experience going down on a woman.

46:19 Dr. Bruce How does she know the wood so well? That's amazing.

46:21 Adam Yeah, I don't know how she knows the wood so well.

46:22 Dr. Bruce Do you build guitars or what?

46:23 Caller I used to work in a home improvement store.

46:27 Adam And what happened? They threw you out for speaking English?

46:32 I live in Oregon.

46:34 Adam It's different than that.

46:35 Caller We're all white.

46:36 Adam I see. Hit the Home Depot out here. I see how they treat you.

46:39 Caller They work at the Taco Bell.

46:40 Adam They're good people. Okay. Here's the point. Here's the point. Get the paint thinner, get the lacquer thinner, get the steel wool and go at it. If it doesn't work, call me back. We'll talk about sanding. Dr. Bruce, in the hissy tonight. Looking good, buddy. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

47:01 Caller All right, guys.

47:02 Adam Bottom line.

47:03 Caller Here's the deal.

47:04 Caller Looking to hook up.

47:05 Caller Sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

47:07 Caller One call is all you need to make.

47:08 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:09 Caller 877-889-DATE.

47:15 Caller Loveline, with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

47:17 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191. We'll be right back.

47:23 Dr. Bruce This hour brought to you in part by AXE.

47:25 Experience the Axe Effect.

47:41 Adam That's Dr. Bruce, filling in for Dr. Drew, everybody. Dr. Drew is in Boston. Hey, Anderson, maybe before the night's over, we hear a little Dr. Drew boogie and or shuffle.

48:00 Caller Yeah, since we can't play that one anymore.

48:03 Adam Why not?

48:04 Caller Because, and I made a new one as well, but there's too many A-holes in it, unless I go through and clean it up, which I should probably do sometime, but we're not supposed to say that word anymore.

48:13 Adam Ask.

48:13 Caller Hey!

48:16 Adam All right, safe harbor, buddy.

48:18 Dr. Bruce This is a medical show.

48:19 Adam That's right.

48:19 Dr. Bruce That is another term for the rectum.

48:22 Adam All right, Dr. Bruce in for Dr. Drew, board certified, yada, yada, yada, yada. Let me say this, got an appointment at the Hollywood DMV tomorrow to get the license renewed. And by the way, I know I've been complaining a lot about the city of Hollywood. You want to talk about Dawn of the Dead, pull into the Hollywood DMV. You won't even know where you are. You'll have no, I guarantee if I blindfolded you and just drove you into the Hollywood DMV and just took the blindfold off and you couldn't see any signs in English or anything, you would have no idea what country you were in. You wouldn't know what part of the world you were in. Just a crazy hodgepodge of screwy nationalities and everyone just bumping into each other in one big long line and a whole bunch of fat people chewing gum, giving you the stink eye behind the counter. Like, it is crazy. But please, every people, do yourselves a favor. Swing by the Hollywood DMV and see if you can see anything you recognize.

49:19 Dr. Bruce That's what's wonderful about America, the melting pot.

49:22 Adam Yeah, it is good times over there.

49:26 Caller Hey, Corolla.

49:27 Adam Yeah.

49:27 Caller Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

49:29 Adam Getting your license renewed?

49:30 Caller Exact same thing. Yeah, once every five years. What are the chances?

49:33 Adam Hollywood DMV?

49:34 Caller Negative, no.

49:36 Adam Oh, yeah.

49:37 Caller I picked a 1,000 oaks one.

49:38 Adam I'll tell you what the chances are. The chances aren't as slim as you think because this is my third try. The first two times I went in there, I looked around, I got so depressed, I just turned around and left.

49:47 Caller You gotta do it online. I have somebody do it for you.

49:50 Adam Nah, I got an assistant, but she's busy.

49:53 Caller At least make the appointment online, it was cake.

49:55 Adam Yeah, she made the appointment for me and I'm gonna go down there and you gotta take the picture.

50:00 Caller And 15 questions, good luck.

50:02 Adam And 15 questions, really?

50:04 Caller I think so.

50:05 Adam Oh, really? You gotta take the, but you don't, I don't have to take the written test, do I?

50:09 Caller Yeah, you gotta take the written.

50:10 Adam Oh, you do?

50:12 Caller It's like 15 or 25 questions.

50:14 Adam Oh, you better study. Better bone up. Yeah, I used to teach traffic school. I've been a lot of that and it'll come back to me.

50:21 Caller My favorite one, they have like the left turning arrow and it's circled and crossed out and they ask you what it means. That's my favorite one.

50:28 Adam Yeah, well, I have now driven through 3,200 red left turn arrows, by the way, when the signal is green. When the light's green and the arrow says red and everyone's just camped there like retards, I actually pull around them and turn left in front of them. I will not sit for any of those red arrows and I urge everyone within the sound of my voice to ignore those red left turn arrows. When it's safe to turn left and when the light is green and just act like a human being. Do you know what I'm saying? Everyone drive through them. That's all I do is drive through them. There's nothing more liberating. I drive through the left red arrows and I drive through the occasional right arrow too. And just drive through them. If you can make it, go ahead and make it. There's no problem with it. The signal's green. It's green just like it is in the signal behind it and the signal in front of it. Just go ahead and do it. Everyone, please do it. Now here's the thing. You gotta make sure no cars are coming just like you do when you turn left normally in a signal that doesn't have an arrow. But ignore the arrow. It's awesome. It's liberating. You stop, you look around for cops. I don't even stop anymore. I just blow through it. And if I get a ticket tonight, I'll still be way ahead of the game. Just drive through them. Just drive through them. Everybody drive through them.

51:50 Dr. Bruce How long does it take to get road rage in LA? I took driver's ed in New York City and it was much less harrowing and experience than being an experienced driver in LA.

51:59 Adam Now LA is, LA's gotta be the worst place to drive in the world. It's more congested and there's more cops handing out more chicken ass tickets than any place in the United States. And there's more ridiculous left turn arrows where you just sit there at Culver City, where the studio is. You just sit there and wait to be carjacked or T-boned the whole evening. Meanwhile, you look, the street is so straight and so long, actually the earth's starting to curve. You see the horizon in front of you before you see headlights coming. But now you're gonna just sit there like a retard waiting for the signal to cycle again. Turn, everybody just turn, just do it, just go. You don't have the balls. I do it every single time, every single time, every time. And everyone should do it too. Here's what you do, you stop, you look around, you don't see any cops, you turn, that's it. That's exactly how you do it. And I've done it so many thousands of times now that I'm so far ahead of the game that if I ever get a ticket, I don't even care. And still I've saved hours and days of sitting there waiting for the stupid signal to cycle like an idiot. Come on, people, we're not lemmings. Do your thing, get off your lazy ass and do it. Hey, they told Rosa Parks to get to the back of the bus. What did she do? Did she do it because the man told her to do it? No, she didn't. You do the same with the left arrow. And if we all do it, they'll never be able to enforce the rule. So just do it.

53:27 Dr. Bruce You'll get a call from the FCC tomorrow.

53:29 Adam It's all I do. That's all I do. Any cop, go ahead, write me a ticket. It's all I do. That's all. I'll go out in my car and look for arrows just to turn left through them. I'm that scary a guy. I'm that much of a badass, Bruce. I'm that, I'm like Jesse James, I'm an outlaw.

53:45 Dr. Bruce You are, that's true.

53:46 Adam Yeah, except for, instead of a car, I got a horse. And instead of a six-shooter, I got a six-string. Now wait a minute, that's the Bon Jovi, that's Bon Jovi, that's right.

53:56 Dr. Bruce What's that little miniature car that?

53:59 Adam Just, that's all I do is drive through left turns. Just drive through red arrows, that's all I do. Maggie, you're 16? Yeah. Your dad was verbally abusive?

54:15 Caller First of all, my boyfriend just left and told me that he'd be angry if I didn't say that you're his god.

54:21 Adam Oh, thank you. And he could make me happy if he drove through some of those red left turn arrows.

54:26 Caller He does, all the time.

54:28 Adam Good, I don't wanna get sued. Here's the thing, you gotta make sure there's no cars coming, just like you do at every other intersection. And then here's what you do. Here's a fun little game. Hold your hand up. All right, here's what I wanna do. Hold your hand up and block the arrow out. Just hold your hand up, or put the sun visor down. Put it in front of the arrow.

54:49 Dr. Bruce Now, you can't see it.

54:51 Adam Now you can't see it. Now what do you see? Well, you see a green light and you see no oncoming traffic. So what do you do?

54:56 Dr. Bruce You go.

54:57 Adam That's what you do. Put a little piece of tape on your windshield right where that arrow lines up and just block it out. That's it. And then you just drive like an adult. You just turn like a mature adult who knows the laws and can figure it out. And by the way, if we can't be trusted, what's to stop us from just pointing our car toward a brick wall and flooring it?

55:18 Dr. Bruce The morons with the cell phones are what worry me.

55:22 Adam Maggie? Yeah? Good. God bless your boyfriend.

55:25 Dr. Bruce What's he do for a living? I'm just curious.

55:27 Adam Your dad or boyfriend?

55:28 Dr. Bruce Boyfriend. The one that you're his god.

55:30 Caller He's 17, so he's a box jockey.

55:33 Adam Yeah, doesn't do anything.

55:35 Caller Yeah, he lifts boxes off of one shelf and mails them, puts them on different shelves.

55:40 Dr. Bruce Okay, so what about your dad?

55:43 Caller He's a lawyer.

55:44 Dr. Bruce No, no, no. Really? What's...

55:47 Adam And your dad's verbally abusive?

55:49 Caller Yeah, he's, like, he doesn't, I don't know if he's called verbally abusive, he's just really scary when he's angry.

55:57 Adam Some guys have that, they got that going.

56:01 Caller He, like, turns colors and he screams and he throws things, that's not right.

56:04 Adam Well, try not to piss him off.

56:07 Caller I try.

56:08 Dr. Bruce Has he ever hit you or thrown something at you?

56:11 Caller He throws things at me, but he has very bad aim.

56:13 Dr. Bruce And when did that start? How old were you when you first?

56:16 Caller I don't know, like, probably when my mom left, around eight. Like, she didn't leave, she divorced him. She was like, oh, by the way.

56:25 Adam Are you living with him, then? Split custody. All right, Maggie, you're going to high school?

56:33 Caller Mm-hmm.

56:35 Adam You're gonna head off to- Pardon me?

56:39 Caller Yeah, high school.

56:40 Adam It's secondary?

56:41 Dr. Bruce Post-secondary.

56:42 Adam What is that?

56:43 Caller College in the school.

56:44 Adam Is that high school? What is post-secondary?

56:47 Caller I don't know.

56:48 Dr. Bruce What is it? Maggie's gone.

56:51 Adam No, she's not gone. The phone line's crap in and out. Maggie.

56:54 Caller Yeah?

56:55 Adam What's post-secondary?

56:57 Caller It's taking college classes while you're in high school.

57:00 Adam Take college classes in high school.

57:02 Caller All right.

57:03 Adam Here's college prep. Okay, here's the thing. It's hard to talk your parents out of stuff. One thing you can't do is dance with them. They start yelling at you, you start yelling back. That's not gonna work. I mean, if they start tugging one direction, don't start tugging the other direction. Here's your goal, especially when you're 15 plus in terms of age. You have an A-hole parent. Your job is to lay low, stay out of their crosshairs and get your grades up and go far away to some college one day, and then have a lesbian relationship and freak them out.

57:40 Dr. Bruce That's what's gonna happen.

57:41 Adam It brings shame and dishonor to the family.

57:42 Dr. Bruce But listening to Maggie, she's got sort of a timid voice and what she's describing is she has a verbally abusive parent and whether the abuse is physical or verbal, once you have your boundaries violated, then what tends to happen? People like this tend to be gravitating towards men that have the same traits or else they are so fearful of men that they are afraid of intimacy. So knowing and even knowing that isn't gonna avoid those things from happening. So it's really important to engage with a very good therapist and do short-term goal-oriented therapy, six months or so.

58:14 Adam All right, well, if you can see a therapist at the old Jewish doctor joke went with the enema, couldn't hoist kind of thing. But if you can't find your way to therapy, you get involved with school and you get involved with the volleyball team and the band and that thing. And then when you come home, you tell your dad you love him and you go to your room and you watch TV and you study. And that's all, you're not gonna change a guy. I'm sorry.

58:39 Dr. Bruce Absolutely, you're not gonna change a guy. But a lot of kids ask the question, well, how do I know if I've been abused? If it's not physical, then they feel that, well, he just yells at me, just throws stuff, he never hits me. But when you have that feeling of fear and you start to have your adrenaline going off and you have that emotional arousal with it, that does portend, that sets you up for problems with relationships, with whatever, if it's a-

59:05 Adam I knew I could kick my dad's ass when I was nine. How old were you when you knew you could beat your dad up or can you?

59:12 Dr. Bruce Still not sure?

59:13 Adam He's a fireman, right?

59:15 Dr. Bruce He was in the New York Fire Department 40 years.

59:17 Adam All right, yeah.

59:18 Dr. Bruce You know a lot of those guys that went down in the building.

59:21 Adam My dad, I knew I could kick his scrawny ass when I was about nine, eight and a half or nine.

59:27 Dr. Bruce Your dad's such a gentleman.

59:30 Adam Marcus of Queensbury. Katie? You're 21?

59:37 Caller Yeah.

59:38 Adam What's up?

59:40 Caller Well, I have no interest in having sex with my boyfriend at all. We haven't had sex in the past three months. He's always wanting to have sex with me, but I'm just never in the mood at all.

59:54 Adam Mm-hmm. Any, are you angry at him for any reason?

59:58 No, not at all.

59:59 Caller He's like a really nice guy, but we've been dating for a year now, so.

1:00:03 Adam Nice guy.

1:00:05 Caller Yeah, and I always have dreams about like having sex with other guys, and he's like never in them.

1:00:11 Adam Do you want, do you think you want a bad boy, and maybe this guy's a little too good and he's not floating your boat?

1:00:19 He is a really good guy.

1:00:21 Caller Like the guy I did before was like a real bad guy.

1:00:26 Adam No, but I don't mean, I don't mean, you know, pedophile, axe-murder, I just mean.

1:00:31 Caller No, no, not that.

1:00:32 Adam I mean a little bit of a rebel. Well, let's face it, 21-year-old chicks like a guy with a little edge, that's why Dr. Bruce got zero in the punting department.

1:00:42 Dr. Bruce How old's your boyfriend?

1:00:43 Adam And continues not to be a big draw. Okay, and he's a nice guy, and you hang out, and I'm sorry for cutting you off, but I have to.

1:00:52 Dr. Bruce Me? How far into the relationship did you start having sex?

1:00:56 Adam I'm sorry for cutting you off. I'm sorry for cutting you off. But you know, here's what happens. They get hooked up with a troublemaker. The troublemaker's not a criminal, but he ends up cheating on him, or he doesn't treat him as well as he could, or whatever. They break up with the guy and they say, I want a nice guy, I want a good guy. I want a guy who's gonna treat me right. They do find that guy, and they start getting bored because there's no excitement, there's no allure in it, and then they get turned off sexually, and they shut down, and they start looking at the guy as a friend or a family member.

1:01:26 Dr. Bruce Well, that's one dynamic, but the other dynamic is if two people are attracted physically, they get into a sexual relationship before they've established intimacy, then one of them's gonna get tired of the sex. It's usually the woman.

1:01:38 Adam Oh, how dare you.

1:01:40 Dr. Bruce I bet.

1:01:41 Adam By the way, it's not usually the woman, it's usually the guy. Well, I mean, when you have sex on the first date or the second date, it's the guy who is done at week number six.

1:01:51 Dr. Bruce Not usually the woman. I bet Katie and her boyfriend started having sex early on in the relationship.

1:01:56 Adam You bet nothing. What about it, Katie?

1:01:59 Caller Well, when we first started dating, well, we've been dating for a year, but when we first started, we had sex every other day. And now the past, I wanna say, six months, it's been like, we've probably had sex like maybe three, four times.

1:02:15 Adam How soon after you started dating him did you have sex?

1:02:21 Caller Like, right away.

1:02:25 Dr. Bruce So one of the things that can happen.

1:02:27 Adam No, but that is a classic question. You should be stressed of your degree and slapped with a glove.

1:02:32 Dr. Bruce Once you start having sex in a relationship, then you turn a switch in the brain and you tend to focus on the sexual part of your partner.

1:02:41 Adam She's not 14.

1:02:42 Dr. Bruce No, it doesn't matter.

1:02:43 Adam No, she shut down to him, goofball.

1:02:46 Dr. Bruce It doesn't matter who shut down to who.

1:02:48 Adam She looks at the guy.

1:02:49 Dr. Bruce She's not interested in him anymore.

1:02:50 Adam You agree with that. She's not interested. Not because they got it on in the second date. She's not interested in the guy because she's young woman and he's a nice guy and he's a little clingy.

1:03:02 Caller Well, we've been friends for like five years.

1:03:05 Adam Yes, and he was always into you.

1:03:09 Caller Yeah, and I always ended up breaking up with him when we dated in the past.

1:03:12 Adam Right. All right, and he gets clingy and that is like... You know what clingy does to a woman? It's like taking liquid nitrogen and dumping it into the vagina. It flash freezes it. You get a vagin-sicle out of that. It actually freezes it and you could hit it with a ball peen hammer and the vagina would shatter. You have to pick the pieces off of the ground. It flash freezes the vagina. Do you understand me?

1:03:45 Dr. Bruce It's a very concrete example of very ice.

1:03:48 Adam When the guys get clingy, it is dumping liquid nitrogen into the vagina.

1:03:53 Dr. Bruce If they hadn't started having sex-

1:03:55 Adam Literally, literally dumping liquid nitrogen into the vagina.

1:04:00 Dr. Bruce Can you apologize for interrupting me multiple times? So all I'm saying is if they hadn't started having sex so early on, she would have figured out she wasn't so attracted to him. Wouldn't have had sex and they would have been over a long time.

1:04:11 Adam Shut up with your stupid Christian values. Go shoot some Botox into some fat Beverly Hills broad with your Christian values. How dare you barge into my studio, retarded moral compass.

1:04:24 Dr. Bruce You're a concrete thinker. You're not paying attention to the abstract nature of my observations, but that's okay.

1:04:29 Adam Listen, I talk to the kids and the kids respect me. How dare you? The boxers in the metal world, here's the point. It's not because they had to start having sex early. This guy has always been hovering around. This guy, you know what he's like? He's like one of those pilot fish that hang around the shark when they're feeding, looking for little scraps and morsels. He's always dug her. He's always been around. She gets hooked up with the bad boy, gets her heart broken, goes to the convenient relationship with his him, but then gets bored again and goes back to the bad boy. She's just not into this guy like he's into her. It has nothing to do with how soon they became intimate. It has everything to do with her not being into him and never really. Now, some people are sort of weak, and women oftentimes do this, which is some relationship, even if it's not the one they want, is good, is better than no relationship. And that's what she's doing. You shouldn't do that. You take advantage of people. You can hurt them. This guy's gonna be hurt when she dumps him. She should dump him. You're not having sex with him, not because your sex life or your libido is whatever. You're not into him. That's why you're not having sex with him. Break up with him.

1:05:42 Dr. Bruce Right, I agree. But I'm not saying from a moral standpoint they shouldn't have had sex. I'm saying when people, if she had spent three months just dating the guy, she would have realized I'm not even attracted to this guy.

1:05:52 Adam All right, she would have never had that sex with him. Okay, it doesn't matter. She's not into him, and she's not having sex with him anyway. So dump him, would you please? It's sad, I know, because he's a sweet guy.

1:06:06 Dr. Bruce Do you want to have a kid and then dump him?

1:06:09 Adam Yeah. You gotta nip it before it gets any further. Okay. You're not doing him any favors. Hopefully, he's listening to the show and is already OD'd.

1:06:21 Dr. Bruce A year into dating somebody and you're not attracted to him and you're hesitant about breaking it off, you want to have somebody that, you know, you have a lifetime of attraction to him.

1:06:32 Adam You should hear violins every time they walk into the room.

1:06:35 Dr. Bruce Or the Halloween chorus.

1:06:36 Adam Yeah. When I hear Bruce walk in, I hear a tuba. That's what I hear when Bruce walks in.

1:06:46 Dr. Bruce Nothing to do with your bodily functions.

1:06:48 Adam Maybe that was me. Sarah? You're 17? 17? What's up, baby doll?

1:06:58 Caller I'm just like absolutely terrified of the dark, like completely.

1:07:06 Adam You got that little girl voice, which always makes me nervous.

1:07:08 You pansy.

1:07:12 Caller Well, I wasn't molested or anything like that. I highly doubt that. Okay.

1:07:18 Adam And you're just plain old scared of the dark.

1:07:22 Caller Yeah, and I don't know why that would be or like how I would deal with it.

1:07:27 Adam Well, what do you do when you go to bed at night?

1:07:31 Caller I just go to bed. It's more like being outside.

1:07:33 Adam Oh, outside when it's dark.

1:07:36 Caller Yeah. Like even for like short periods of time, like if I'm getting out of my car, like to go inside, I'll run up to the door because like I just have this feeling there's something like lurking around in the background.

1:07:52 Dr. Bruce Yeah. How do you tell normal from abnormal in a situation like this? Are you wondering if you're in the far end of normal or are you convinced you have a very abnormal response?

1:08:03 Caller What do you mean?

1:08:04 Dr. Bruce Well, what's your basic question? I mean, people have, there's some people that have much more of a fear of the dark or being alone at night or things like that. The way you start to tell, is this really something I need to get therapy for or deal with or change? Do you start having physical symptoms? Do you start sweating or does your heart race or do you?

1:08:27 Adam Let me ask you this, and by the way, some people are just a little more skittish than others. It's almost like breeds of dogs. Some dogs fall asleep on the porch, a car backfires, they don't even lift their head up. Other dogs are a little more skittish. So there's a certain degree of that with people. Some people just have a, it's almost like their blood's a little slicker, a little thicker, and moves a little more slowly.

1:08:52 Dr. Bruce Right, but if you're seeing patients, you ask yourself, how do you know the difference between somebody that has a real phobia and somebody that just has an sort of...

1:08:57 Adam Well, let's ask. So you were never traumatized in any way?

1:09:01 Caller I don't think so.

1:09:05 Adam Did you grow up fearful? Like, I grew up with my dad, wasn't in the house most of the time. The house was like dark and kind of weird and set back. It was like a scary house to live in. Plus, I knew my fat, lazy mom wasn't going to do anything if the hillside strangler decided to make me his next victim. I knew she'd just lock herself in a room and I'd have to fend for myself. So it freaked me out. Were you in a situation where you thought, growing up, like, where you thought you were vulnerable?

1:09:42 Caller Like, they're not home most of the time. And so I've been home alone by myself, like, when it's dark. And I live in a, like, place where there's lots of trees and it's, like, in the middle of nowhere.

1:09:54 Dr. Bruce All right, Sarah, have you thought about getting help for this? Is it something that's really, really bothered you to the point where, wow, I really need to change this kind of fear that I have?

1:10:03 Caller Like, I want to change that. I don't want to be, like, racing inside.

1:10:11 Adam All right, well, there's a couple things you can do. One is just not doing it. I mean, you can just train yourself out of this stuff. If you really don't want to run up to your front door after you get out of your car, then tomorrow night, don't do it. I know that sounds overly simplistic, but it doesn't seem like she has a seriously deep-rooted prom, it's not like she's a survivor of, you know, some post-traumatic stress disorder. She wasn't raped while jogging in Central Park or anything. You don't have any, you know, real powerful emotional mandate that's making you run for the door. You want to stop? Okay, don't do it. Or jog halfway and stop. And each time get a little bit closer to your car and eventually crawl to the front door.

1:10:54 Dr. Bruce Right.

1:10:54 Adam Let's slow it down.

1:10:55 Dr. Bruce Yeah, well, you know, patients that come in with proms.

1:10:58 Adam Or go get some therapy.

1:11:00 Dr. Bruce Fears, well, the question is, is a fear or a, you know, if it's a fetish, is something that you're doing or something that you need to have a certain response causing you to change your activities of daily living, causing you to be late to appointments, to prevent abnormal relationship with someone of the same or opposite sex. Those are the kind of questions you start to ask. Some people just need to be reassured that, you know, what you have is not abnormal, it's just extreme.

1:11:26 Adam 17 year old girl, not that abnormal.

1:11:29 Dr. Bruce No, but she might want to talk to a therapist and just go over the differences between real phobias, disorders, what exactly is...

1:11:37 Adam Yeah, what about fear of being bored on the radio? All right, buddy. Dr. Bruce here tonight, filling in for Dr. Drew, although no one can fill those big offers. We'll take ourselves a little break.

1:11:51 Dr. Bruce We'll be right back. Loveline.

1:11:56 Adam You know Drew, smelling good is more than a smell. It's an attitude.

1:12:01 Dr. Bruce That's true, Adam.

1:12:02 Adam It is?

1:12:03 Caller I know how to get that attitude too.

1:12:05 Adam How? That's Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew. Dr. Bruce, board certified. He knows, he's a very better doctor than Drew is. He really is. Drew's, you know, he's all teeth and hair product. I don't even know if he's really a doctor. Oh yeah. I'll tell you something, I really mean it. I've known Dr. Drew for nine years. We argue on occasion, and oftentimes even about medical stuff. And I'm right more than half the time with the guy. Now, Bruce, on the other hand, is a much better physician.

1:13:00 Dr. Bruce Mm-hmm.

1:13:01 Adam Board certified, does the emergency medicine. Here's my point. You go down on your motorcycle, you want Dr. Bruce there, not Dr. Drew there. Although, if you're doing anything else, but suffering severe head trauma, you want Dr. Drew there.

1:13:17 Dr. Bruce That's right.

1:13:18 Adam Socially, I mean, Drew, you know, if you got to travel, Drew's your man.

1:13:22 Dr. Bruce So thanks for the mixed compliment there.

1:13:25 Adam All right, buddy. Let's talk to Jamie, who's 21. Jamie?

1:13:30 Caller Adam, I love you.

1:13:32 Adam Thank you. Thank you very much.

1:13:34 Dr. Bruce Any abuse in the past?

1:13:37 Adam So good to talk to you.

1:13:42 Caller My first was, well, I hope you don't mind, phone screener Brian kind of gave me some advice, but he said, you're the expert on female grooming. First of all, most importantly, what do you prefer? And then what is normal and what is like a total turnoff?

1:13:59 Adam All right, I have gotten into this argument with many a man. I think they misunderstand me, but here's the way I feel. And Bruce, chime in only if you agree, as usual, as per our agreement for the show. So first off, we'll go from mild to wild. Yeah, that's good radio. The shaved clean is creepy, I find. And I don't trust, here's the thing about the shaved clean crew. I don't trust that guy who's into that shaved clean look. It's a little creepy. It's like the guy who's got the video of the, oh, this guy, yeah, we got the Shiite Muslim chop and the guy's head off. I got the video, you wanna watch? It's always like, no, I don't wanna watch that. It's weird, it's unattractive. It's marginally disturbing and I got enough crap floating around my head. And by the way, just to go off topic a little, all these recent slew of videos of innocent people having their heads ritualistically cut off by these delightful Middle Eastern fellas. And again, we can't judge, it's a wonderful culture. It's a wonderful culture.

1:15:09 Dr. Bruce It's not reflective of the culture, by the way.

1:15:10 Adam No, it's not, no, it's a wonderful, it's an exquisite group. It's not the people. No, it is not the people.

1:15:15 Dr. Bruce But you have all the people. All the religious extremists are in the same boat. I don't care if they're Muslim or Christian or Jewish or whatever.

1:15:22 Adam Some people protest, others cut heads off, we can't judge.

1:15:26 Dr. Bruce Awesome, my best friends are Muslim.

1:15:29 Adam It's a beautiful, exquisite, wonderful religion where occasionally there's some heads being lopped off. But again, we cannot judge. You go into crowded squares, you blow yourself up. Cannot judge, impossible to judge. How can you judge? Every culture is exactly the same. No one better than the other. Some blow themselves up, no judgment. Some perform genital mutilation, no judging, cannot judge. Some, they don't let their women show themselves in public and they can flog them openly, no judgment. They're all beautiful. It's amazing, it's amazing, it's better. It's better than Judaism, it really is. It's better than Christianity. We can't judge and if we did, we would think it was better. It's fantastic. Anyway, the point is beautiful, wonderful people cannot judge. I don't wanna see the tapes of some of the wonderful folks lopping off the heads of some of the other folks. Maybe the folks that are getting their heads cut off could judge, maybe for just that split second as the machete is going through the trachea. Maybe at that point they can judge, but they're the only people who can. Only if you're getting head cut off by one of the people of this religion could you judge. We cannot judge.

1:16:37 Dr. Bruce In that culture, they're thinking back to when the Christians were cleansing the world of Muslims.

1:16:43 Adam Can't judge.

1:16:43 Dr. Bruce It's the crazy people. They're crazy people out there.

1:16:47 Adam They're wonderful, and everyone's the same. Nobody's different.

1:16:50 Dr. Bruce How did we go from pubics shaving pubes to-

1:16:53 Adam Not gonna judge. I see the people with the shaved pubes and the guys are into that, and I think that's creepy, because a 55-year-old chick could look like she was 11 if you shaved the pubes, and I think it's weird. Now, Bruce is probably into it. God knows.

1:17:08 Dr. Bruce Only with its laser hair removed.

1:17:09 Adam God knows he's into it. So, now, where do we go from shaved clean? We go to that just very fine, sort of porn star landing strip.

1:17:17 Dr. Bruce The Brazilian.

1:17:19 Adam Yeah, the Brazilian cut, which is decent, but still looks a little manufactured and has a little porn star to it. What I find the most attractive, and this is what I think we all respond to in nature, which is, I wanna see something that's well-groomed, but doesn't scream I've had a bick taken to me or shears taken to me. This is what we respond to. It's like plastic surgery. What's the best plastic surgery? Well, when you can't tell there's been plastic surgery. You know what I mean? I mean, when you have nice breasts, but they don't look huge and fake, when you've had your nose done, but it doesn't look like you're some whack pot on MTV trying to become Barbie or something like that. Do you know what I'm saying?

1:18:06 Dr. Bruce Right.

1:18:07 Adam I would say the same with the pubic hair. Make it look like if you were drawing a naked woman, that's what you would draw in. Little something, nicely quaffed, but don't have it scream, I've been working on this area. I mean, yes, Bruce.

1:18:27 Dr. Bruce Well, all I notice is that people say men and women both are dealing with their genitals as if this were the nose on their face, so to speak, because plastic surgical procedures or whatever kind of procedure, they're trying to make their genitals look good as if they were walking around naked. I mean, vaginal reconstruction and penile enhancement. You turn on the TV and they're selling, who knows what, to make things longer and fatter. Fatter, fatter or whatever. What's going on?

1:18:56 Adam No, I listen. I don't, here's, okay, let me explain what's going on. All right, so Jamie, it should look like, it should, there was a time in, for me, this is my personal face, there was a time when, somewhere in the later 70s, early 80s, where there was grooming going on, but it wasn't extreme and it looked like God just gave him a great, dealt him a great vaginal hand. That's what you want. It's just like, here's what I mean. It's like a guy who gets a nice haircut. You don't wanna see the stubble and the razor burn on the back of the guy's neck. It should just look like the hair stops. Do you see what I'm saying? And you could imagine it just grows that way. When the reality is the barber cleaned up the back of your neck. We just don't need to know about it. Exactly. All right, what's going on with the obsession with the genital enlargement, enhancement, and reconstruction and all that kind of stuff? We've run out of... Here's what's going on as a society. We've got too much time, we got too much money, we got too much food. It used to be that we were so busy trying to hunt and get some food. It was all about getting food. This is why animals don't spend time grooming their genitals. They're so busy trying to eat. That's all they can think of. All they can think of is eating and effing. And there was a time we're so worried about either eating ourselves or getting eaten by something else or getting killed in some way that it just, it's all we could think about. Now, food is cheap, everything is exquisitely cheap, everything's exquisitely easy. I mean, imagine we're living in a time where you can fly JetBlue from Long Beach to New York for 99 bucks, where you can, you wanna meet, you wanna get a date, get on the internet, find yourself a woman. You wanna see some, who's your favorite pop star? You wanna see her having sex? Get on the internet, Pam Anderson, Paris Hilton, go ahead and pop her in there. Oh yeah, there she is, give an oral. Fantastic, everything, it's too easy, it's too fast, it's too gratifying, and when that happens, you turn your, you focus your sights on your genitalia. You just start going nuts.

1:21:07 Dr. Bruce It's a moral decline, though, don't you think?

1:21:09 Adam But that's what happens. Right, okay. You spend way too much, you have no, you have no, there's no threat that's posed to you anymore. This is why, by the way, 9-11 crops up, again, can't judge, wonderful people that portrayed that. Wonderful folks, all cultures are the same. 9-11 crops up, people forget about their genitalia for 10 minutes.

1:21:29 Dr. Bruce Right.

1:21:30 Adam And oh my God, it's all about the fear of being killed, the terrorist attack, the devastation, the tears, the trauma, and then the dust settles and they clear the wreckage and they bury the bodies and now it's back to the genitalia. And then eventually another tragedy happens or war breaks out and we focus on, we lift our heads up, we stop looking at our genitalia for a while and then we get back down to it.

1:21:52 Dr. Bruce But I wonder, is pornography influence some of these trends or is it just everything falls to the same common denominator that you're talking about?

1:22:01 Adam I think it's like when the, well, the devil makes work for idle hands. You give people too many channels, too much internet, too much food, too cheap, too easy. Everything's too easy. Everything's effortless. And you start monkeying with your junk.

1:22:19 Dr. Bruce Slippery slope.

1:22:20 Adam It's a very slippery slope. Yes, it is. Indeed. And again, another culture we can't judge. Well, I think you used a racial term there. Yeah, he said slippery slope. That's a derogatory term for Ace.

1:22:42 Dr. Bruce It is?

1:22:43 Adam Oh yeah. Ding-dong-de. And there'll be no judging. Not on this show.

1:22:50 Dr. Bruce Okay, I thought it was a skiing term.

1:22:52 Adam Jessica? You're 25.

1:22:56 Caller Yes, and for another couple of months I will be.

1:22:59 Adam What's happening, baby doll?

1:23:00 Caller Well, I've been in a relationship for about nine months and I see my boyfriend on and off throughout the month because he works up north. And I absolutely adore him to death. Great looking guy. I've been listening to you guys for about half the evening. We have a great relationship and have sex until about two, three months into it. The problem is I get bored in the middle of it.

1:23:23 Adam Hold on, hold on, hold on a second. Speaking of getting bored in the middle, we got to take ourselves a little bit of a break because it's that time again. Yes?

1:23:32 Caller Yes.

1:23:32 Dr. Bruce Time flies. Yeah.

1:23:33 Adam Yeah.

1:23:33 Dr. Bruce Break time.

1:23:34 Adam Well, you didn't show up till halfway and had a show. That's why it's going by so fast. Jessica is losing interest halfway into the the boinkus. We will take a little break and I guarantee we'll solve her problem after this. Bruce, fillin in for Dr. Drew, board certified and all that good stuff. Jessica.

1:24:12 Caller Yes.

1:24:12 Adam All right, you've been dating your guy for nine months, halfway into it. Now, you don't see him all that much because he's out of town.

1:24:21 Caller I see him a couple times a month because he works a lot.

1:24:23 Adam Couple times a month, and then you have sex, and halfway into it, you start getting bored.

1:24:29 Caller Yeah, it's like, I'll start off, I'm good going, hot, heavy. Everything's nice and lubed, and then halfway through, it's like, errrr.

1:24:39 Adam Yeah, it's like when they put the brakes on the train, sparks flying out, metal on metal.

1:24:45 Caller And I catch myself thinking about other things, not other guys in my head, but like, hmm, you know what, this needs to be done, that needs to be done, and.

1:24:52 Adam Yeah, yeah, that's probably a bad sign, especially since, you know, it'd be one thing if you lived with each other, but you're seeing the guy a couple times a month, and even then, you get distracted, it's probably not a great sign.

1:25:06 Dr. Bruce Should we ask how long they were dating before they started having sex?

1:25:08 Adam No, we shouldn't, you idiot. Okay, so Jessica, how about oral sex? How do you like that?

1:25:15 Caller I love it when I get it.

1:25:18 Adam No, he doesn't do it all the time?

1:25:19 Caller It's just getting him into it, but I don't think he was ever really trained really well. And I get off very easily with oral sex, but straight penetration, it's been working.

1:25:33 Adam So maybe you would enjoy that and maybe you should express that to him.

1:25:39 Dr. Bruce Yeah, how often do you guys talk when you're not seeing each other?

1:25:42 Caller About every other day.

1:25:43 Dr. Bruce Are you like best friends?

1:25:45 Caller We're really close. We've been actually, we were friends. We were actually acquaintances for a couple of years. And then when I came back, I was actually in the Navy, came back, we started seeing each other and hooking up.

1:26:00 Dr. Bruce Have you been honest with him about what's happening or are you sort of faking it?

1:26:03 Caller Yeah, I kind of fake it because I don't, I tried, I found men's personalities are very fragile when it comes to faking.

1:26:12 Adam All right, now here's the thing. You're doing one of these things, this is what constantly happens with women. They're like, I have to fake it because his ego couldn't take it if I didn't fake it. So they start faking it. Meanwhile, they're resenting the guy the whole time they're faking it and getting further and further away from any kind of intimacy or chance of actually having a legitimate non-acted orgasm. The other thing is, is they're, yeah, they're getting angry, they're resenting the guy. The guy doesn't want to change anything because it's like, oh, she has an orgasm every time. He doesn't have a clue. You can't, here's what I mean. And this happens in any, every relationship. You have to tell the person what you want from them, whether it's in the bedroom or in the car or in the kitchen. Tell them what you want. You can't secretly hope they can read your mind and then seethe and resent them when they're not. She doesn't have an orgasm. She doesn't really like intercourse that much. It's not her thing, but she does like oral sex. Ask him for oral sex. And rather than communicating with him, Yeah, she fakes it and resents him.

1:27:16 Dr. Bruce She'll eventually have a fear, dump him.

1:27:18 Adam Tell him you want oral sex. And if he doesn't do it right, then go ahead and give him a little coaching. You know, she said no one ever taught him. Well, maybe it's time he goes to school.

1:27:30 Dr. Bruce Right.

1:27:31 Adam Powerful, powerful stuff. Very powerful stuff. Mike? You're 19.

1:27:37 Caller Yeah, well, that is kind of embarrassing. Tonight at like 10.30, I was mass reading in my room. And my mom walked in and she saw me mass reading, but she turned around and she was like, I didn't see anything, I didn't see anything. And ran out and I don't know if there's anything I can say or do to clean things up with her, you know?

1:27:58 Adam Yeah, what were you doing? I mean, did you have the computer fired up or?

1:28:05 Caller Yeah, the whole deal. I was watching a porn on my computer and I had the headphones in, which is why I didn't hear a knock and I jumped up and it pulled the jack out of the headphones and the porn music came on and she could hear it going and stuff.

1:28:18 Adam Wow, we doing beating off, sitting at your chair?

1:28:22 Caller Yeah.

1:28:23 Adam Sweet.

1:28:24 Caller How do you beat off?

1:28:25 Dr. Bruce Well, that could be a long answer.

1:28:28 Adam I'm like a chameleon, by the way. I mean, I can beat off in the chair, in the shower, you know, riding a bike.

1:28:35 Caller Yeah, well, I can do all those things too, but I mean, chairs are the most comfortable.

1:28:39 Adam Your chair, okay, and-

1:28:40 Caller I hear the master beating out, by the way.

1:28:42 Adam Yeah, thank you. And you know, here's the thing. Well, first off, your mom's more uncomfortable than you are. Here's the-

1:28:48 Dr. Bruce I think he's more uncomfortable than his mom.

1:28:50 Adam His mom ran out saying, I didn't see anything. Believe me, she's good and freaked out. Well, okay, here's the point. You don't need to broach it either.

1:28:57 Dr. Bruce No, exactly.

1:28:57 Adam Your mom knows 19-year-old son's beat off, and this is why it's time to move out of the house. And here's the other thing. I mean, engineer Chris is 27 and lives at home. His mom catches him beating off of, between nine and 26 times a week. She literally, truly catches him beating off of four, an average of four.

1:29:17 Dr. Bruce Yeah, she's used to it now.

1:29:18 Adam Four or five times a day. Yeah, here's the thing I never really thought about. Now, when you were growing up, Bruce, you didn't have the internet.

1:29:27 Dr. Bruce No.

1:29:27 Adam We didn't have, I didn't have, there's no VCRs or porn. I mean, nothing in your room. As you know, my retard dad had a beta max player. Well, by the way, you're saying, what is a beta player? Yeah, exactly. What is a beta player? They got phased out in three years. He's such an idiot. Anyway, he got one at Radio Shack. Probably, no, I'd probably already moved out of the house by the time that idiot got it. But the point is, is if you got popped, you were under your covers with your lights off in your room and you're looking, yeah, you're looking at the bra section of the Sears catalog or you're like me, you're staring at a raft box with a chick in a bikini floating. That's abuse by the way, floating in a raft. Okay, now you got the TV fired up, you got a porno in, you're popped. I mean, you're bust, you're cold busted. There's really not much you can do about that. You know what I'm saying? Right. So whilst we did not have good Jack material, at least we had our dignity.

1:30:31 Dr. Bruce That's right.

1:30:32 Adam Very important.

1:30:34 Dr. Bruce But his comment was, how do I clean this mess up? So he is feeling like there's something, it's almost like he did something bad, his mom caught him. His mom knows guys do this, he should just ignore it. She's not going to be as freaked out as he probably is right now if he just ignores it. That would be my advice. Put a lock on the door.

1:30:56 Adam Tell him it was your first time. You do what Chris does, you make that pyramid of beer cans in the hallway door. So if you hear a comment, did you hear all the beer cans fall over?

1:31:04 Dr. Bruce Do you really need the sound for a porno?

1:31:08 Adam Yeah, your mistake was putting those headphones on too, brother. No, I've learned to beat off and essentially in space. You know what I mean? You hear nothing. The beating of your own heart and hand. That's the only thing I hear. Because the sound part, you can get popped easily. You don't hear people coming down the hall. The other thing is, a lot of guys are into the audible part of the porn. For me, not a big factor. It helps. I don't mind it. It might add five, 10% to the experience, but a lot of guys are really into it. And watching a silent porn is like eating a dietetic ice cream or something. It's just nothing there. Ah.

1:31:55 Dr. Bruce Well, doctors of course don't do things like that. But of course it helps me to advise my patients getting advice from you on masturbatory activities.

1:32:04 Adam That's right. All right. Let's take a little break. What do you say? Yes?

1:32:08 Dr. Bruce And when we come back, Uncle molested her as a baby.

1:32:11 Adam Fantastic. All after this.

1:32:14 Caller Alright guys, here's the deal.

1:32:15 Caller You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:32:19 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:32:20 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:32:21 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:32:24 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:32:50 Adam Yeah, yeah, poor Amber over here got molested by uncle as a baby. I don't even know how you know you're molested as a baby. Unfortunately, we're about out of time in the phone.

1:33:04 Caller Is it already powered down?

1:33:06 Dr. Bruce Amber, you need to see a good gynecologist. I've had kids, I've had babies come in with gonorrhea six weeks old in the ER, so. Terrible, terrible things.

1:33:15 Adam Oh, well, unfortunately, we can't judge. So if you want to have sex with a four-month-old, again, everyone's the same, everyone's perfect. We're all God's creatures. And we have to.

1:33:26 Dr. Bruce I hope there's a God to extract a horrible, horrible.

1:33:29 Adam Can't judge, hey, especially if that's part of your culture. It's all the same. All right, Dr. Bruce, a yeoman's job of filling in for Dr. Drew.

1:33:40 Dr. Bruce Thank you.

1:33:40 Adam Yeah, soon you'll lose that Dr. Spaz moniker. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Bruce. Saying mahalo.

1:33:50 Caller And you be off. This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Tuesday, June 22, 2004