Episode 1000607983103

0:52 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

1:00 Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:03 Voiceover Hey everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. And tonight, I'd like to welcome to the show from Saturday Night Live, Tina Fey, and formerly of Saturday Night Live, Tim Meadows. Tim's been on the show before. Thank you. It's a delight, and Tina, we've not had the chance to meet yet, but I'm a big fan.

1:27 Guest Oh, thank you, I'm a big fan of yours.

1:29 Drew No. She studied up for sure.

1:35 Adam Wow, well, you know, I studied up on Tina, too, because I was watching a Dateline Friday night.

1:41 That was great.

1:42 Adam And I saw a lovely piece on her, went back to her old high school, sat in the cafeteria. Hard-hitting. She is, you know, I'll tell you.

1:55 Drew I beg your pardon.

1:56 Excuse me.

1:57 Adam Yeah.

1:57 Drew She straightened me out on that one.

1:59 Adam Yeah, she said Upper Darby, and she's toward the upper part, ironically, of the wall of fame.

2:04 Guest I'm not on it yet.

2:05 Adam Oh, well, they sort of panned to it as if you were gonna be there, but then you didn't seem to be there.

2:11 Guest I didn't get on it yet.

2:12 Adam Well, you will be after tonight's radio show. And Tim, I don't know if you've made the wall of fame at whatever school you want to.

2:19 The wall of shame, Pershing High.

2:20 Adam Pershing High.

2:22 No, I haven't made it yet.

2:23 Adam All right, and I'm not sure, by the way, Drew, do you guys, what do you guys got? Well, your school puts out senators. I mean, you're nothing. You're on some-

2:32 Drew I'm a disgrace.

2:32 Adam Inside of a trash can lid somewhere, like the basket of disgrace. There's where Dr. Drew and C. Everett Coop are. They're losers. They didn't even become vice president. Drew went to a very, very stringent prep school in which everyone went to Ivy League colleges and so forth. Tina, so I love- Okay, let me say a couple of things first off. And Drew, I'm not just kissing SNL ass here.

2:58 Drew He's not only kissing SLS.

3:01 Adam Right.

3:01 Drew Yeah, in addition to kissing SLS, you actually mean what you're saying.

3:04 Adam But let me say, what's wrong with kissing ass?

3:06 Drew Nothing. It's a form of affection.

3:10 Adam When we used to do the man show, I'd walk up the stairs and some intern be standing and say, hey, Adam, looking good, boss. Lost some weight. And I'd walk up the stairs. I'd get to the top and Jimmy'd say, you know, he's just kissing your ass. I'd say, good.

3:20 Drew Come on, raise.

3:22 Adam I like that. It's even more better than if he just, yeah, it's like faking an orgasm.

3:27 Drew Thank you.

3:28 Adam This woman cares. Okay, so the show. Yeah, a lot of people have a thing with Saturday Night Live. It's like, oh, it could be better. All they do is think, I mean, it's been this way for 20 years. Since the original players. And I gotta say a couple of things. First off, you go back and watch the originals. It's hit and miss at best. A lot of legends, a lot of great work. But what sticks in your mind is the, you know, the Blues Brothers and the Coneheads. Go just watch a typical one where Buck Henry's hosting and see what you see.

3:59 Guest See the other 58 minutes.

4:00 Adam See the other 58 minutes of the show. Number one. Number two, it is exquisitely difficult to put on a sketch show, hour, hour and a half long show. Week in and week out with no, you know, when you go see a play or something's been rehearsed, it's been taken on the road, every nuance has been found. Just to throw something up, see if it sticks every week is a tall order. And the news, always my favorite part. I must say.

4:27 Drew And the ladies' man.

4:28 Adam Yeah, oh, and the ladies' man. Well, Tim's included in the SNL ass kissing umbrella.

4:36 Thank you very much. I felt some of that over here too. I appreciate it. Yeah. And I agree, I think it's, I mean, it's a hard show to do, you know, and to be consistently funny is, you know, it's a challenge, you know.

4:47 Adam Well, I've, we've talked about, my partners have talked about doing a sketch comedy show before, and I'm like, don't bother, because sketch comedy is a nine or a 10 on the difficulty level, but people look at it as a four. So why bother with that? It's like some incredible, it's like if you're an ice skater, would you put the move in your routine that was almost impossible to pull off, but the judges didn't think much of it? No, you want to do an improvisational one. You want to do, whose line is it anyway? Where you just sit up there and basically warm over the same crap you did at the Groundlings 10 years ago, and everyone goes, oh my God, I could never do that. I could never do that.

5:27 Guest I could never rhyme corn and porn in a song.

5:31 In a country you'd never do.

5:34 Adam Right, and one that, albeit it's improvisational, but you have many of the parameters worked out well in advance, so you only have to put the mortar between the improvisational bricks through. You don't have to build a whole goddamn barbecue.

5:50 Drew You're deer here. I was thinking about the guys from Whose Line Is It Anyway we've had in here, though, that you've been kissing their asses.

5:58 Caller No more difficult art form.

6:00 Adam No more difficult art form than improvisational time.

6:04 Drew I was just trying to remember their name.

6:08 Adam Well, we've had them all over the years. Mean Girls is coming out. Yes, that's the movie we're here to plug.

6:13 Drew Although, Lorne Michaels will be calling in later. We are not to mention SNL ever again. Now it's all about Mean Girls from now on. Mean Girls, the movie we're here to promote.

6:21 Adam Yes, the 30th. April 30th. April 30th. I've seen, I saw snippets of it on the interview. I saw with Tina over the weekend on Friday night and it looked fantabulous. I also saw a clip of it on Leno, I believe. Maybe Thursday night.

6:39 Guest Yeah, yeah, Thursday night.

6:41 Adam This close to stalking you, baby. So it looks good, but tell us about it.

6:52 Guest Well, it's a comedy. It's basically a comedy about girls in high school and all the ways that they mess with each other and try to destroy each other's lives and.

7:01 Drew The stuff like that happened to you in high school? Did you see it happen to your friends?

7:03 Guest I mean, I was sort of guilty of it in high school. I was pretty, like I had zero luck with guys in high school and I was really bitter about it and really jealous. And so if I liked a guy and he liked some other girl, I was just viciously mean about that girl and would talk about her behind her back all the time.

7:20 Drew And now, wait a minute, we gotta examine that.

7:21 Adam We've talked about this a few times actually.

7:23 Drew This is a uniquely human female characteristic.

7:25 Guest Yeah, this is a female thing.

7:26 Drew What is that? I'll tell you what. They've studied this in other primate systems. They have. And female chimpanzees behave precisely the same way. In fact, they will gather the group together and literally turn their back on the one that they've shunning. They have a shunning behavior.

7:42 Guest Yeah, that's what it is.

7:43 Drew It's shunning.

7:44 Guest It's monkey behavior.

7:46 Drew Well, it's nice, isn't it?

7:47 Guest Yeah.

7:47 Adam Yeah, I don't know what guys do, but it's more equivalent to the need of the nuts than it is the actual clandestine operation.

7:56 Drew It's either in some sort of athletic jousting, or you can go kick their ass, try to kill them. Right. One or the other. Right.

8:03 Adam Where so women are much more- I think women look at women as the competition, whereas men don't really look at other men as the competition.

8:15 Drew Unless there's certain barriers of the men crossed, they've now crossed into something inappropriate.

8:21 Adam Right.

8:21 Drew You're a best friend, and all of a sudden I found out you did something. But they don't think about men as competition.

8:25 Adam No, but I mean men look at women as sort of the trophy, and if it was a race, they'd be trying to get to the trophy, whereas if women were racing, they'd be looking to their left and to their right. Trying to trip them up before they get to the trophy. Right. I don't know which is better and which is worse.

8:43 Drew Just different.

8:44 Adam Just different? They can't be worse?

8:46 Drew Yeah, I guess they could.

8:47 Adam All right.

8:48 Drew Well, this movie's about how worse they can be.

8:50 Adam Yes.

8:50 Drew Do you like Lindsay Lohan?

8:51 Guest Yeah, I love Lindsay Lohan. Are you asking that?

8:53 Adam Oh, well, we all do. Well, look at her. What do I? I despise her. Look at that nubile, shapely body and those tight jeans. Yuck! Get her out of my face before I vomit. Yeah, she's a pig. I don't know. I like her. Why not? Do you like her?

9:12 Drew I just think she's great.

9:13 Adam Well, Drew, you see all the movies, right?

9:15 Drew Yeah, because my kid, my kid, I love 11-year-old triplets.

9:18 Guest Triplets. Holy mother.

9:20 Adam Good-looking. Show her. Show her to you.

9:21 Guest You got pictures?

9:22 Adam Tina, do you have any kids?

9:23 Guest No, not yet.

9:23 Adam You're too busy being funny to have kids, right?

9:25 Guest That's what I'm telling my parents.

9:26 Adam Look at those kids. Beautiful.

9:30 There's three of them.

9:31 You got any pictures of your boys?

9:32 They're amazing.

9:32 Tina, you got pictures?

9:34 How old are your boys? Two boys.

9:36 Guest This is good radio. We're looking at pictures.

9:38 Yeah, they're curly hair, but I don't get it over there.

9:40 Adam That's nice. They can both date Drew's daughter. That would be a real taboo thing.

9:44 Yeah. There's a picture of Julian going through luggage for you in the radio land.

9:51 Adam Wow. Crazy hair on those too. Beautiful. All right.

9:59 Drew All right.

10:00 Adam You ready to move forward? Let's talk to...

10:04 Drew Anyways, I can see all these films because my kids, my daughter particularly goes all this stuff. Like What a Girl Wants and...

10:10 Adam Is your daughter, but guys have the capacity to see a movie five, six times.

10:15 Drew Yeah, she does that too. Not quite with the same directed intention that the boys do. The boys like, we saw Hellboy on Friday and they were going back on Saturday. It's like going on a rollercoaster. You gotta go several times. Girl will see it over the year or several times.

10:29 Adam It's good to lay that groundwork for when they get porn later. Like I've been watching, you know, Sex Boat and Taboo 2 for 47 years. I'm well into the thousands of watching.

10:42 Drew Think of the money saved that you didn't have to buy all the... You don't need new porn every month.

10:48 Adam No, I don't. But I treat myself anyway.

10:50 You still don't know the plot of the movie.

10:53 Guest You only know the first 10 minutes of the movie.

10:56 Drew No, he goes directly to his favorite spot. He fast-forwards through, finds the spot he likes and clicks on it.

11:02 Adam I had this argument with guys before. I don't know if Tina can weigh in or not.

11:05 Drew Tina can't quite grasp this. It's like 10 minutes into the plot. No, Adam's like, plot?

11:13 Adam Maybe Tina's husband gets to watch. Do you mind if your husband watches a little porn now and again?

11:19 Guest No, I don't. Actually, I would probably be more likely to watch it than he would.

11:26 Adam That's good. When you trick him that way. If you don't like it.

11:32 Drew Don't blow his cover.

11:34 Adam It's cool. Tim. I'm against it. Let me ask you this. If I rent a porn, I got to watch the whole porn before I beat off to make sure that I'm not missing something like someone I went to high school with or something isn't at the end.

11:50 Drew Then you mark the spots you want and then you go back to the right one.

11:54 Adam I don't say mark because it sounds weird. No, I know. I know my head. Like I know, OK, this scene on the boat. That's great.

12:00 I got to get back to that one.

12:02 Adam You don't have to power all the way through. You don't have to watch the whole thing, see if there's something you're missing, someone who's better, someone you may have known before. No, no, me neither.

12:11 It's been a while too.

12:13 Adam Yeah, me neither.

12:14 I don't know what you're talking about.

12:15 Adam Me neither, me neither.

12:17 I remember we watched them with friends, like you ever sit in a room with a bunch of guys like in college? That's the most uncomfortable sort of like, you know, you sort of look around and it's like, well, I think I'm going to go eat or something.

12:32 Adam Yeah, it can get uncomfortable. Yes, Drew? Well, here's the thing, too, though. I don't know, you know, Tim, Drew, you know, me, we're all somewhere in the same age group, which is it's not like everyone had a VCR and a stack of porn in their room. It was like if you're lucky, you knew someone who had one that was sort of in the den. And if you wanted to watch it, well, so did eight other guys. And it was sort of a novelty.

12:56 Drew I remember my junior or senior year of college, they had a public viewing of Deep Throat.

13:03 Adam Really?

13:04 Drew Because it was such so novelty and literally 400 students showed up to watch this thing on a little on a Betamax, you know, little TV in the psychology department's lecture hall.

13:14 Adam Really? Did you go?

13:15 Drew Yeah.

13:15 Adam Yeah. Yeah. How did you hang in?

13:18 Drew I didn't watch that much. It was not a most not the most desirable experience.

13:23 Adam But you went home and of course. Thank you.

13:25 But he holds up the story. Every year. Today it still rings true.

13:30 Adam Clitoris where her uvula would be or something, right?

13:33 Drew Genius. Genius. Triumph. Such a commentary. A puckish satire of contemporary mores.

13:40 Just like the Titanic of porn.

13:44 Adam You're 25. What's up?

13:45 Caller Hey Adam, Dr. Drew, Tim and Tina. How are you? How's it going? I'm hearing a lot of great buzz about me and girls. I'm hearing the heathers of the 21st century. Wow. Very excited to see it. I got a couple of F&L questions for you, Tina, if that's okay. First of all, Janet Jackson on a couple of weeks ago, she was on Letterman and very hesitant to talk about anything about the incident. And on Starry Life, she seemed to be able to joke about it a little bit. Was it tough to write for her? Was she restrictive at all?

14:16 Guest No, she was really cool. She, you know, she let us try anything we wanted to read through and then we kind of figured out what would be best for the actual show from there. But obviously she was she was fine joking about her her wardrobe malfunction and stuff.

14:31 Caller Yeah.

14:31 Adam Hey, Keith. Yeah, that's enough. It reminds me of something that I just got to talk. I just use I use our callers like post-its. They say milk. But I'll go to the market and then get some other stuff, too. You know, if people come on the show that are a little tight lipped on, you know, when they're sitting across from Letterman or Kimmel or Leno or something like that. But then they come on the show and they sort of openly mock themselves. And I'm wondering, do you think they feel like they're playing a character in a play almost, even if it has their name on it?

15:06 Drew Yeah, maybe.

15:07 Guest Maybe it's because, you know, because it's rehearsed for a couple days, they get they get to they feel like they're in control of it more than like a talk show.

15:14 Drew You don't know how it's going to come out because some of the stuff like, you know, no, there'd be no follow on to I'm sorry.

15:19 Adam Yeah, right. Yeah, as you know, I saw her on Letterman and Letterman was, you know, asking the kind of questions you'd ask if she was on your show. And she was pretty tight lipped about it. And then and I've seen this with a lot of celebrities immediately come on the show and start poking fun at themselves and or making fun of other celebrities like, you know, they're they're playing Courtney Love. You know, I normally this is sort of a town where you'd be scared that Courtney Love would then, you know, hit you El Cabong style with a guitar, you know, for making fun of her. You know, if anyone's going to bring back the El Cabong, it would be Courtney. I think it would be Courtney, right? You got to go acoustic if you're going to El Cabong. It doesn't work with electric guitar. You need you need you need something to crack over someone's head.

16:06 Drew She's a Lone Ranger band across her eyes. All right.

16:10 Adam Let's talk to Kelsey, who's 21. Kelsey.

16:13 Hello.

16:14 Adam What's happening, baby doll?

16:16 I'm having some problems.

16:22 Drew Hello.

16:22 Adam Yeah, we're here.

16:25 I'm having some problems. When I have intercourse, I don't have any vaginal wetness at all.

16:31 Drew Do you want a medication?

16:34 Birth control, that's it.

16:35 Drew Which birth control?

16:37 Orthotrycycline.

16:39 Drew You know that will do that sometimes. It's more common. That's not the pill that usually does that, but I have had patients complain about that from that pill. So you may want to talk to your doctor about changing to something a little different.

16:52 My significant other just thinks I'm not having an orgasm. I have an orgasm, but I don't have any wetness.

16:58 Drew Usually, in my experience, that's been from the progesterone in the pills that does that. You are having an orgasm?

17:06 Yes, I am.

17:08 Adam Really?

17:08 Why?

17:09 Adam Why are you shaking your head?

17:10 Drew It sounds funny. There would be no arousal. But again, the dryness can be a lack of estrogen.

17:14 Adam You're as bad as her fiancee is, Drew.

17:17 Drew Pretty bad, huh?

17:17 Adam Hey, Kelsey?

17:19 Yeah.

17:19 Adam Does he not believe you?

17:21 What?

17:22 Caller He doesn't believe me.

17:23 You know, he just thinks that when a woman has an orgasm, there should be a puddle underneath her.

17:29 Drew No, no, no.

17:31 Adam Yeah, that was his last gout. I'm sure.

17:34 Drew Sorry, Kelsey.

17:35 Guest What about some, like, astroglide?

17:37 Drew Right, something to compensate for that. Exactly. I think it's not so much you're getting pain or irritation or intercourse.

17:43 Um, it kind of, when I have an orgasm, I kind of do have like a little discomfort in the beginning.

17:47 Drew All right, so you might as well just use some lubricant and tell your boyfriend to shut up. He might not even need to change the pill. It was not bothering you.

17:55 Adam You make noise and stuff, though? So, I mean, he's got something to hang his hat on, right? You do something, right?

18:03 So, it's not abnormal. It does happen, then.

18:06 Drew It happens for you. Yes, you're fine.

18:09 Thank you.

18:11 Adam Use that lube. I wonder how lube consumption is doing in this country.

18:16 Drew Why?

18:16 Adam I don't know. I just started thinking about it. Lube is up. There's got to be some sort of shareholders meeting over KY or something where they point to a graph.

18:27 Drew Well, Tina mentioned astragly. That's the first time you've had somebody that mentioned a brand name.

18:31 Guest Well, it's a good brand.

18:33 Drew See?

18:33 Adam Yeah.

18:33 Drew So astragly must be making a move.

18:35 Adam Yeah. They run the commercial every once in a while when they talk about feminine lubrication.

18:40 Guest They have that KY warming commercial.

18:44 Adam Oh, yeah.

18:46 Drew Trojan has a warming condom now, too.

18:49 Guest They have a vibrating condom. Somebody. No, not Trojan. Somebody.

18:54 Adam You know, does the KY warming thing. They use the guy, Pat Morita, Mr. Miyagi. He does that thing. And it's like he laid his hands on your vagina. It would be great when it just Hassan. I like the idea. I like the idea of the warming lube, even if it wasn't, you know, used in a sexual way. Just a little chafing on the elbows.

19:15 Hurt yourself playing tennis?

19:17 Adam Give me that lube.

19:22 All right.

19:23 Adam Here I use some of that in my hair, didn't I once?

19:27 Drew Astroglide.

19:28 Adam Astroglide.

19:28 Drew Yeah, we were to college and he mentioned that he had nothing to put in his hair.

19:32 Adam My hair was getting a little nappy.

19:33 Drew So he reached in the closet, there was some astroglide, just put it in.

19:38 Adam Here's my theory. Almost everything is just... Don't encourage it, Tina. any... by the way, anything you shove up your ass, you can put on your head. If you can put it up your ass, you can eat it. If you can put it up your ass, you can ram it into your eye repeatedly in a sharp stick and it will be fine.

19:55 Drew Not necessarily in the eye, but you can put it in your mouth.

19:57 Adam I'm telling you, if you can put it in your ass, you can rub it in your baby's eye and it will be fine.

20:01 Caller Can you put stool in your eye?

20:02 Drew No.

20:04 Adam Alright. Well, hold on.

20:08 Drew I didn't say have you. I said, could you? Is it a good thing to do?

20:13 Adam Touche, Drew. But, there's no company producing stool.

20:17 Drew Yes, Touche.

20:18 Adam Yes, yes.

20:19 Drew Yet. Adam Corolla's new stool.

20:21 Adam Synthesized stool.

20:22 Drew I think it would just be Duke by Adam Carolla.

20:25 Adam Yeah.

20:26 Guest Alright.

20:28 Adam We could find some use for it.

20:30 Drew For Duke?

20:31 Adam Well, I'm saying we come up with a synthesized stool and then let the consumer figure out what to do with it.

20:36 Guest What they want to snare it on.

20:37 Adam Let's not do it the other way where we come up with the product and then, you know, they come up with the need.

20:42 Drew It's Duke by Adam Carolla. The ultimate democratic solution.

20:45 Adam Right. I'd imagine be used in, you know, fraternity hazing, some things like that. You got neighbors on your nerves. Just broke up with a girlfriend, you know, where cars park, you know, that kind of stuff.

20:57 Guest You want to mess with the neighbor, but you don't want, you know, DNA testing to come back to the problem.

21:01 Adam Yeah, because stool, take it from me. Chalk full of DNA.

21:08 Guest That's corn. Not DNA.

21:13 Adam Mike?

21:14 Yes, sir.

21:15 Adam You're 16?

21:16 Caller Yes, sir. First off, Adam, man, you should run for governor in California. You know that?

21:21 Adam All right. All right. I'll do that.

21:24 Caller And Dr, how are you? And tonight's guest? Hello?

21:29 Adam That's Tina Fey and Tim Meadows, by the way.

21:31 Caller Yeah. Yeah, thanks. I forgot her name.

21:33 Drew These mean girls. What's up?

21:34 Caller Oh, really? Um, yeah. So my parents found a smoke pot or my mom did, actually. She found my pipe in my pocket. And, you know, they both smoke pipes themselves. So. And my dad, he's not like, you know, totally anti-smoking. But he's just like, I know you're going to do it. So just be responsible. My mom is just totally, you know, don't do this. I'm kicking you out of my house. And so my dad and mom are divorced. So my dad. My dad asked me to move in with them. And do you think I should do this or?

22:09 Drew I think I'll stay with your mom and listen to her.

22:11 Caller What? You think I should?

22:12 Adam Yeah. Well, here's the thing, Mike.

22:15 Caller How old is he?

22:16 Adam He's 16.

22:17 Caller Oh, yeah.

22:18 Drew There's a million things to tell Mike, but you go ahead.

22:20 Adam Well, it's not a popular opinion, but smart people can do drugs up to a point. If you're mediocre in the brains department or even low, if you do drugs, you're going to be unemployable. No one really talks about this. I put Mike on hold so I don't offend him, but Go ahead, Governor. Here's the thing. If you're a super intelligent guy or gal, you can dabble in drugs a little bit. You can experiment. You can even smoke weed on a semi-regular basis and still have a regular job and make lots of money and go to college. You can do well. You won't do as well as you would have done if you didn't do the drugs, but you get knocked down from sort of super genius to just above average. If you're hovering somewhere around, not really able to complete high school or get a job, and then start doing copious amounts of drugs, you'll just be like, retarded. You will slide down. I mean, it numbs you a certain percent. Now, eventually, you know, you'll have liver problems and you'll be whatever. You'll be out in the street and you'll kill yourself. But I'm just talking about in the short term, we don't really talk about this that much. It's just like drugs are bad, pot's bad, don't do this, don't do that.

23:23 Drew Just don't dumb down.

23:24 Adam A guy like Mike needs to use all of, you know, he needs to feel like he just hopped out of a cold shower in order to take a test or fill out a job application. If he's sort of, and we all know those guys that are, there's comics who can just get baked and stoned and high, whatever, and then walk out on stage and be a genius for an hour. Mike is not that guy.

23:47 Drew And eventually that House of Cards falls too. And the thing about the pod under the age of 18 is there is some data that suggests it can interrupt development, emotional development. And if you are prone to addiction, Mike, you'll be profoundly addicted for some people.

24:01 Caller Well, first of all, Adam, I go to school and beg Thomas every day and I don't make bad grades.

24:08 Drew But here's the deal. So you are addicted. And that's the deal, Mike. And it is an interruption of the normal developmental process. It's something you're going to be doing every day from now on. It will have great difficulty stopping. It's responsible for about one out of five admissions to chemical dependency units today in the United States. It is a very, very addictive drug. For some people, you're one of those people and you're starting at a young enough age where it's going to have real consequences.

24:31 Adam Well, you go to school baked every day and your parents both smoke out. So maybe you are one of those people.

24:35 Drew But intellectually is not so much my concern. It is really more about emotional development. And I see all addiction is what I call a bid for affect regulation, but to control and regulate feelings. And once you get going with it, it's bad. It's tough to stop. So good luck.

24:48 Adam Hey, Mike. Yeah. All right. So I'm not sure what your plans are for the future, but I would really encourage you to ease off on the weed. And listen, I'm not uptight. I'll smoke weed if someone gives me weed. I'm done with the... Well, now I got to do it with like someone. I got to... Here's the thing. I got to do it with a cool person.

25:10 Drew Like you get anxious, you freak out?

25:12 Adam Yeah, I don't want to do it with someone who's less cool than I am. Otherwise, it's no fun.

25:15 Drew I see.

25:16 Adam I want someone to be cooler, you know? Like Snoop Dogg.

25:19 Drew He's done it with Snoop too many times.

25:22 Adam Oh, my God. Man, it's like I smoke a lot of weed.

25:25 Drew He's back at it. I thought Bishop Don Juan cured him.

25:30 Guest He claimed to not do it anymore.

25:33 Adam Chill and crusted chalice, sure. He's his spiritual advisor.

25:36 Drew His pimp, the big pimp? I beg your pardon.

25:38 Adam I'm sorry.

25:38 Drew It's Bishop Don Juan, his spiritual advisor.

25:41 Adam I have been to the bishop's house, or should I say apartment, which is not very far from here. And not many guys own a Cadillac and a Rolls Royce and live in an apartment. What the bishop does. I mean, I've walked into this guy's, I walked into this guy's apartment and it was like a scene. It was like that scene from Animal House where the guy comes into the Black Road house. He's like, Otis, my man! And I just keep walking in, howdy fellas! And like 19 gang bangers and just a haze of smoke all playing video games and eating Popeye. All just sitting there and they all just sort of looked up at me very slowly and simultaneously. It was a good time. I've leafed through the bishop's closet. Seemed some of his outfits. He's good people. Good people. All right, good times. Tina Fey is here. Jimmy the Bishop Meadows is here tonight. We're talking about Mean Girls and we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

26:45 Hello, is this your radio? As many as one in three Americans with HIV don't know it. To find a testing location near you, call toll free 1-866-344-K-N-O-W.

27:11 Adam Hey, everybody, it's the Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Tina Fey and Tim Meadows here tonight from Saturday Night Live. At least you remember, Timmy, from Saturday Night Live. Now you know them from Mean Girls, which is coming out this, well, let's see, it's a week from, when the hell is this? The 30th.

27:34 Guest Like two weeks.

27:34 Adam Is that a Friday? Yeah. So it's a week from this coming Friday.

27:38 Drew Where'd you guys film it?

27:39 Guest We filmed it in Toronto, but it's supposed to be Evanston, Illinois.

27:44 Adam Everybody going to Toronto. And you filmed it at a regular high school, right?

27:48 Guest Yeah. We filmed it at a couple of different high schools.

27:50 Drew Yeah. Were you up there during the blackout?

27:52 Guest No, we were down there after, up there after the blackout.

27:55 Adam Drew, were you there during the blackout? Oh, well, Drew, Drew was shooting his movie with the Olsen twins where he plays their father. Which is coming out May 7th. I saw the billboard today.

28:08 Guest May 1st. No, May 7th, yeah, yeah.

28:11 Drew But we were up there in the middle of all that and that city just broke down. I mean, it was unbelievable. The airport was a nightmare.

28:19 Guest I was lucky because I was actually, I would have been in Manhattan, but I was out on Fire Island where you have almost nothing anyway. So we barely noticed.

28:27 Adam Drew, that one shot you had at the Olsen twins was during the blackout. That window is now shut in painted clothes.

28:34 Drew That was it.

28:35 Adam I told you, I hope you're still kicking yourself.

28:37 Drew I know, it's tough. There's no way they could have called for help.

28:40 Adam There's all kinds of looting that goes on during the blackouts and not all just TV sets and stereo equipment. There's Hyman living.

28:46 Drew No, it was actually me and Darrell Hammond.

28:47 Adam Tim knows what I'm saying.

28:48 Caller Not a court in the land.

28:52 Drew Darrell Hammond's in this film too. And he and I were wandering around the streets of Toronto looking for water. Cause you couldn't even get water.

29:00 Adam Darrell Hammond, I love him on Saturday Night Live. Troubled soul though, deeply troubled soul. Darrell came on this show and was talking to us about the time he got locked up in the Jamaica for carrying drugs on a cruise ship or something. And the Disney cruise liner left him behind.

29:18 Drew And... You spent a weeks there or something, right?

29:22 Adam Spent quite some time in what you would call like, it wasn't really a cell. It was more like a Burmese tiger trap or something. Yeah, it was sort of like Papillon, yeah. And the thing about it is and as we learned from Darrell, is it really wasn't a guy telling a story about the time they broke down when they were going skiing in college and had to spend the night in the car or something. It was a guy talking about Vietnam. I mean, he wasn't laughing at all, at all.

29:52 Caller That's why I worked with him for four years.

29:56 Guest I never heard that one.

29:57 Drew Really? He told it once and he sort of let it go by. He and I were talking, like, did you hear that? What was it? So when he came back, he gave us the whole thing. And yeah, it was the Mekong Delta.

30:09 Adam Tina, bring it up next time you see him, but do it after the show. Because if you do it before the show, he's just going to be giving a thousand yard stare into the camera while he's trying to do Bill Clinton. Actually fun just to bring it up before he walks out. Right before he walks out in front of the camera. Ten seconds. Uh, Iris. You're 25, what's up?

30:32 Caller Hi, I just want to say, Tina, I am such a huge fan of yours. I absolutely think that you're wonderful. My boyfriend's next to me laughing at me, so. But I just want to say that you're wonderful. So I called originally just to, I guess, kiss your butt and say how much of a big fan I am of yours. And he convinced me to go ahead and ask a love-related question. Pardon me. Okay. My question is, last night we went to a swingers bar.

31:04 Drew And Paso.

31:05 Caller And I don't know why I just, I'm not the jealous type. And it wasn't, I don't know. I'm just, I guess my question is, he's just a very quiet guy. And this is the way I am. I'm more of a singer, I'm more like, oh God, I use my real name. So, you know, it's just, I'm more, I guess, actually open-minded if you can say. And he's not. And I feel kind of uncomfortable letting him into, I guess if you can say my world, you know. But he seemed fine with it.

31:37 But when I saw him-

31:38 Adam Your world of flabby, out of shape people and bad, rust-colored shag, that world? Because that's the swinger's world. Yeah. Bad decor and worse people.

31:49 Drew He'll enter into a few threesomes and then be gone.

31:52 Caller I was looking for the ladies man in there.

31:54 Drew No, he'll be good for a few swings and then get off the set.

32:00 Adam Well, wait a second. Is this your boyfriend?

32:04 Caller I guess my ex-boyfriend. We broke up about a month ago, but we're still on and off together.

32:10 Drew Well, the reason it's ex is because of the way you conduct yourself.

32:14 Adam Yeah, but here's the thing. It's unfair to label yourself as just free-minded or open or I'm not uptight. I guess he's uptight. No, you're screwed up and he's marginally healthier than you are.

32:28 Drew Right. You have to have chaos. Yes, you were sexually abused or something.

32:34 Adam Yeah.

32:34 Caller My father?

32:36 Adam Yes.

32:36 Caller My father right now, he is in Arizona.

32:39 Drew Right now.

32:40 Adam Where was he when you were growing up?

32:42 Caller Pardon me?

32:43 Adam Was he around when you were growing up?

32:45 Caller Yeah, uh-huh.

32:46 Adam He was?

32:47 Caller OK.

32:48 Adam Now, any physical abuse?

32:54 Caller But he's around. He's doing fine.

32:58 Drew Iris, wait a minute. A stroke, and he must be 50, 55 years old?

33:03 Caller He's 47.

33:04 Drew 47 to have a stroke mean he must be a drug addict or something. That's just way out of normal realm. There's something going on with him. Either he's got chronic medical illness or is it? Yeah, he's a drug addict. I mean, 47 years old don't have strokes. Unless he's a drug addict.

33:21 Guest What are you saying about John McCain's words?

33:24 Drew Iris, your dad's a drug addict.

33:27 Adam There's more here.

33:29 Drew Yeah, there's a lot here, Iris. And this is why you're not just uptight. You need that chaos. You have poor boundaries. You're not clear on your sexual identity. And you bring that all into your relationships. And you're wondering why your relationships don't work. Well, this is why. Yeah.

33:43 Caller No, I've noticed that. I mean, I can, I don't think any people tell me because of that, you know what I mean? I can, I, once you hear it a lot of times, that, you know, I listen to Loveline a lot and you guys obviously tell the girls, you know what, there's your father around and this and that. And once he says it, say like, well, then you know there's a problem. So I can acknowledge that, you know what, my father was around when I was growing up, but he's always been drugged. So I know, I know I, I guess I kind of have a dependency towards my ex-boyfriend or I guess the guy that I'm with.

34:11 Adam No, you have difficulty with intimacy. You grew up with a dad who wasn't present because he was high on drugs. And so you sabotage whatever relationship you get in.

34:20 Caller He was around, he wasn't high with me. No, my father was never high with me.

34:23 Drew Iris, Iris, Iris, wait a minute. You, I don't want to sort of railroad you, but you really don't understand what's going on here at all. I suggest you go to some Al-Anon meetings, you get an Al-Anon sponsor, you work the steps, get out of your head a little bit, realize that when you have a severely addicted father, it will impact on your ability to sustain intimacy, that a mom that would choose a severely addicted father says volumes about her situation and the situation she grew up with. The fact that you now can't have intimacy, you swing, you're not uptight, is in fact chaos and poor boundaries and sexual identity issues. All that needs to be sorted out. Just take care of yourself, don't just-

35:01 Adam Unless you're hot, in which case.

35:03 Caller It's all right.

35:04 Adam Yeah, I mean, that's just nature, baby.

35:07 Caller Swing, baby.

35:08 Adam Hey, Iris, one other quick thing. You have any kids?

35:11 Caller Uh-huh.

35:12 Caller What happened to her?

35:14 Adam You have any kids?

35:15 Caller Yes, I have a little boy.

35:16 Adam All right, that's enough now.

35:18 Drew See, that's the real- Stop it.

35:20 Adam You're screwing the kid up. The kid's gonna be more screwed up than you were. You hear me? All right, just stop it, just stop it. Stop acting out, mommy. And listen, I don't mind if they have girls. They just become strippers and do porn and stuff. These are the guys putting the shiv in you while you're at the ATM.

35:39 Drew How frustrating, though, is it? They say, oh, I'm just not uptight. It's like, that's so much BS. Why our culture takes that as an excuse, an answer to why people behave the way they do?

35:51 Adam As culture that we live in is not really interested in the truth as it pertains to psychology at all. And it's so much easier just to call her a free spirit than it is to call her damaged emotionally. She's clearly damaged. And look, Drew and I, I'm an atheist who pees in the sink, really, even if done number two in the shower once. I gotta be honest with you.

36:14 Drew Oh, you told me you pushed it down with your face.

36:16 Adam Ah, come on, Drew, come on, come on. Don't humiliate me. Why do you humiliate me in front of, but the point is, is I like think of myself as a free fecal spirit, you know what I mean? I'm not uptight and I wish people could just swing, you know, but they can't. That's the thing.

36:32 Drew Well, they can, but it means something.

36:34 Adam Yes, I wish she could have come from a great parent, a great family that was together and they were very nurturing and they supported her swinging and her and her boyfriend have been swinging for 20 years with much love and success, but it never works that way. And there's always some kid somewhere who's getting screwed up by a mommy who instead of calling herself a mess and going to some Alan on is calling herself a free spirit and continue, I mean, by the way, if you're a free spirit, why ever stop doing whatever you're doing? You don't need to go in any meetings or talk to anybody and lie down on a sofa if you're a free spirit.

37:08 Drew It's everybody else's problem.

37:09 Adam Yeah, we're all uptight. You're just free. We can't handle how free you are, man. Let's, I'm gonna go do a number two. Do we have a shower here?

37:18 Drew Yeah, we do actually.

37:19 Adam Oh, do we?

37:20 Drew Yeah, yeah.

37:21 Adam Oh really?

37:21 Drew You're scaring me though.

37:22 Adam All right, well, we got Tina Fey here and Tim Meadows from Mean Girls, which is coming out Friday, April 30th. We'll take a quick break and we'll be right back. Loveline.

37:36 Drew Beg.

37:52 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Tina Fey's here tonight. Tim Meadows here tonight. Had a round night. The Darkness, Night After That, Pennywise. Then Colby from Survivor's gonna be in here.

38:08 Caller Yeah, I'm not gonna miss that one.

38:10 Adam I love Survivor, by the way. I really do. I know everyone else likes it, but I like that show, too. I can't help it. Drew doesn't like it.

38:18 Drew No, no, no, I didn't say like it.

38:19 Adam I just, no, no, I'll tell Colby when it comes here. Mean Girls is the name of the movie. It is coming out on the 30th of April. That would be Friday after this Friday. All right, let's see. Back to the phones we go.

38:35 Caller I play Mr. Duvall in the movie.

38:37 Guest Tim plays the principal.

38:38 Adam Tim is in the movie, that's why.

38:40 Caller I had to look at the press kid just to make sure. Yeah, am I in this movie still?

38:44 Adam I saw him pick it up. Yeah, I threw it and then Tim went and fetched it.

38:48 Drew My kids will go, Friday night they'll be seeing this, for sure. I mean, my daughter saw the preview on television and was like, okay, when does this thing start?

38:56 Guest Yeah.

38:57 Drew So, it's a big cast.

39:01 Adam Yeah. Oh, a lot of good looking people in it, by the way.

39:03 Drew Adam is a couple, there's a cast member here called Kissing Girls.

39:06 Guest Yeah. You know, we actually, we had like a lot of weird trouble with the MPAA to get to PG-13 because even though it's girls, we weren't allowed to make any reference to them masturbating or like, we had a thing where some girls, he said like, is your cherry popped? And we're like, no, absolutely not.

39:22 Adam Is it, has it tightened up? You think since Janet Jackson and whatever the debacle of the last few months?

39:29 Guest I think it has. This is my first time dealing with the movie stuff, but everybody's nervous, yeah.

39:35 Adam When are we gonna, by the way, and Drew, I'm sure you have a valid question, but just try to forget it. The, and look, when are we gonna stop focusing on the language and the chicks making out and start focusing on people? Yeah, well, no, no, I'm not talking about, well, yeah, violence. Although violence, it's almost unrealistic to say focus on violence because that's all, I mean, we're living right, we're in the vortex of it, but here's what I would like people to focus on. Fear factor. When they're noshing down on the yak chode and floating in a sauce of otter semen, and this guy's chugging a bucket of, just chugging chum and then bringing the bile back up and the cameraman is getting down on one knee, because when people throw up, they turn their back to you, so the camera guy's got to run around and get it. And it's a weekly occurrence. And to me, sort of repugnant is that trumps everything. You know what I mean? I mean, it's one thing to be sort of like offended by an idea or maybe a word or even a picture. It's another thing to sort of have to block it from literally like holding your hands up.

40:47 Guest Yeah, it's like, you know, 30 minutes of people going like, huh, huh. Like, why would you ask that? People retching for 22 minutes.

40:55 Adam Well, I don't know. I don't understand how it got under everyone's radar. Like somehow, well, we got to take a look at nudity and we got to take a look at language and we got to take, we'll use one eye to look at the violence but somehow you eating, literally eating animal penis and then yacking it back up somehow made it under everyone's radar. Like, well, that's just acceptable human. That's natural human behavior.

41:22 Drew Just thrill seeking. That's adventuresome.

41:25 Adam Yeah, you just eating maggot ridden fish carcasses and then throwing up and having it come out of your nose. That's fine. And by the way, that's good for prime time. That's great for prime time. That's all we got. That's at 8.15 in the evening is when we can watch the guy bring up the otter semen out of his nose.

41:46 Drew Nice.

41:47 Adam That I look, go look at the list of the stuff they eat.

41:50 Drew And Tina has a good impression of that too.

41:55 Caller You should call PETA or something and get them in on this. You know, the animal rights people.

42:04 Adam They're so busy throwing ink on chicks with fur. They don't get to the otter semen, those poor otters being milked mercilessly.

42:14 Drew About this film, I did not realize it was based on Queen B's and wannabes. You ought to make more of that, at least somehow. I don't know how, because my wife, that's a great book and was highly publicized and well thought of. And the idea that those same principles be sort of communicated through this.

42:29 Adam Well, if you'd watch Dateline.

42:30 Drew I know, if I'd watched it.

42:32 Adam Yes. Well, they showed it. I think they would've enjoyed it.

42:35 Guest Yeah, I mean, I was talking about it all day and the author Rosalind Wiseman was sort of with us at the junket today.

42:40 Drew That is.

42:42 Adam True.

42:42 Guest Yeah, it's a whole new thing, right?

42:44 Drew That is very cool, yeah.

42:44 Adam That's a book, right?

42:45 Drew It's a book about the sociology of young women's behavior and it's awfully accurate.

42:50 Guest Yeah, I think it is.

42:52 Adam Anyway, Joe Rogan is eating. No, I'm just saying, and here's the other goddamn thing they do. They put it on the commercial, which you can't avoid. It's one thing where people go, well, look, just don't watch the show. If it's not your cup of tea, then don't watch the show. And I'm fine. I subscribe to that theory and I tell people that with this show almost every day, including my family. But when they run it during the promo, you're watching the evening news and pow, there's the guy eating the maggot laden trout. It's hard to avoid it. And it's always when I'm eating and it's always about 730 at night, they show the thing. I'm sitting in front of the TV, eating at dinner. Ironically, I eat maggot laden order.

43:37 Caller That's what bothers you.

43:38 Adam That's what bothers me because it's hitting too close to home. I'm just saying, listen, you pussies over at the FCC, as long as you're going to go after everybody over what's coming out of their mouth or whether girls make out or not or talk about Heimans or not, let's at least focus on people heaving. I mean, there was an episode.

43:56 Drew All right, no, I'm fired up.

43:58 Adam I'm fired up.

43:59 Drew I got something to say about the movie. These guys are leaving.

44:00 Adam Oh, that's a great movie. Now listen.

44:02 Drew I appreciate the pre-G13 though because I'm going to be able to take 11 and 12 year olds to it who we need to learn this stuff as they sort of get into that age.

44:10 Adam All right, let me say this. Okay, yes. Go see the movie.

44:13 Drew Now everyone listen to Adam.

44:14 Adam Now everyone listen to me. Now Joe Rogan. Here's the next. Now here's what's discussing. They saw an episode of Survivor, again, my favorite show. They had this episode where part of the group challenge was they hung a side of beef, a bloody, rare, just huge sort of animal carcass. It must have been 200 pounds off a chain. They had two of them. The idea was to see how much flesh could be pulled off of this carcass by each five group team and then they would weigh it to see who won. So they were pulling this thing off and they're spitting it like into a bucket and whichever got the most off in five minutes won. Well, people's mouths and faces, it was like a piting contest, except for it was blood. And there was a point where the gristle and the flesh were getting caught in people's teeth and the other team members having to pull it out of their mouth as if we did some sort of French gristle exchange or something. Then later on somebody was heaving and they moved the camera around to make sure they got the person heaving. Well, later on in the episode, one of the girls was taking a shower and there was a sort of wicker kind of facade or screen that was up so you couldn't quite see her, but a little bit of her ass crack poked in between this sort of wicker facade and they tiled out just that little two inches of ass crack. But all the noshing on the beast and all the making out with the gristle and all the heaving, zero problem with that. Just a big fat zero. And I just, can we get some atheists involved here in the government at some point, at some time so we can at least have some sort of normal yardstick to measure sanity? Because if you just get these religious pussies, who knows what's up and what's down with these people? Who knows what's good and what's bad? Who knows what's right and wrong? They're looking at some phone book from 2,000 years ago. I mean, they don't know what the hell's going on. Let's get some right thinking, normal thinking, just high IQ atheists to get in there and make some normal, sensible decisions. Can we do this?

46:12 Drew It's just a philosopher warriors, huh?

46:13 Adam It's just a philosopher, just someone with a brain.

46:16 Drew Somebody pursuing the truth as opposed to someone who knows the truth.

46:19 Adam Thank you. Thank you, Drew.

46:21 Drew There you go. All right.

46:23 Adam Mean girls.

46:23 Drew So, we gotta go. You guys are leaving.

46:28 Adam We can't take any calls. Drew got up on his high horse about the PG-13 thing.

46:33 Drew You guys wanna stay for one more segment? I should take calls in that segment.

46:35 Caller Sure.

46:36 Drew Really?

46:36 Caller Definitely.

46:37 Drew Really? I don't have to.

46:38 Adam Drew, they said yes.

46:39 Drew All right, yes, all right, yes.

46:40 Adam All right, I apologize for my partner. Tina Fey is here, Tim Meadows is here tonight. Mean girls, name of the movie. Coming out on the 30th of April. We'll take a quick break and we'll be right back with one more segment after this.

46:55 Caller All right, guys, here's the deal. Looking to hook up?

46:57 Caller Call the Dateline.

46:58 Caller Sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

47:00 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:01 Caller One call is all you need to make.

47:02 Caller Call the Dateline. 1-877-889.

47:07 Adam Date.

47:07 Caller You know what I'm saying, I'm dead?

47:48 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Tina Fey is here tonight along with Tim Meadows. Hi. Mean Girls, name of the movie. Tina, have you been doing the news? I think it said here four seasons on-

48:05 Guest Yeah, four seasons, yeah.

48:08 Adam Which I was surprised by because I always think of you as the new news person. But then I was thinking, well, Norm MacDonald did it for a while and Colin Quinn probably did for two seasons or one season?

48:21 Guest He did it for like a season and a half.

48:23 Adam That's a bad sign when they get into fractions, by the way.

48:26 Guest Well, because he came in the middle, you know, when Norm left in the middle of the year.

48:29 Caller It is a bad sign because Norm was fired.

48:31 Guest Yeah, Norm was unjustly fired. Yeah.

48:33 Adam What did Norm do it for?

48:35 Guest A couple years, right?

48:37 Caller Yeah, I think maybe three years, something like that.

48:41 Adam I know Norm is insane in everything. He's always nice to me.

48:45 Caller He's a great guy.

48:49 Adam He's really funny. I know he likes to drink and gamble, and he's nuts and everything, but he's always nice when I see him. I always thought he was really funny on the news, but evidently he rubbed some folks the wrong way. Yes, Drew?

49:05 Drew That's it?

49:06 Adam Drew Wright making a note to himself.

49:08 Drew Myself, yeah.

49:08 Adam Drew, remember mental notes? Yeah, make one of them.

49:11 Drew I make them on the paper.

49:13 Adam No, do the mental one. Ready? Go.

49:16 Drew Done.

49:19 Adam Now scratch out this one. You want to look at it one more time?

49:23 Drew Yeah.

49:23 Adam Mental note? No, no. Give it a beat. Mental note?

49:26 Drew Yeah.

49:27 Adam No, no. Mental note? Done. Because when I go mental and you go, yeah, it seems like you didn't do the mental note. I have no real way of checking. You know what I'm saying?

49:38 Drew That's what I'm talking about.

49:39 Adam James? You're 19? What's up?

49:45 Caller I was wondering why when I jack off, my cut is just dribbled to the side.

49:53 Caller I'll take this one, Dr. Drew. No, I don't know.

49:56 Drew No, please.

49:57 Caller Well, I think maybe you've been masturbating too much.

50:00 Drew Or maybe that's just him. Tina likes that answer. She loves that answer, Tim.

50:06 Caller You see, when you masturbate more than four times a day, you usually run out of semen.

50:13 Drew The pressure is down. The pressure is down. Well, in Adam's case, it's hard to hear what happens. Dust, but in Adam's case, even so.

50:18 Adam Cloud. Oh, and then ghosts.

50:20 Drew Ghosts.

50:22 Adam And they do that thing where they go, they actually go through the camera with their open mouth, you know, and then out the chimney.

50:30 Caller Who are you going to call?

50:32 Adam Sorry, buddy. So it just dribbles out.

50:36 Drew Yeah.

50:37 Adam Yeah. And what if you went, let's say, 15 minutes without beating off? Now, what?

50:45 Drew Now, that's it.

50:47 Adam Wow, that was a wrestling move.

50:49 Caller I also have premature ejaculation, too.

50:53 Drew That kind of runs against our theory here a little bit. Yeah.

50:56 Caller Good male theory. I know what theory you're talking about.

50:59 Adam That's bad and bad, though. That's like a very, that's like a Ford Fiesta getting horrible gas mileage, like no performance, super small and, and just a five miles to a gound, like the worst of all worlds. You know what I mean?

51:16 Drew Although not to say that the lack of pressure on the ejaculate means a damn thing.

51:20 Caller It doesn't mean a thing.

51:22 Adam No, but, you know, there, there are times, I mean, you can adjust it a little bit. You know what I'm saying?

51:29 Drew I beg your pardon?

51:30 Adam Well, let me, let me, let me be candid here, Drew. Mental note, take a mental note of this. If there's a situation where, like, you have some foreplay and that foreplay has been going on for a long time. I mean, okay, here's what I'm saying. There's that, there's that, there's, okay, let's just, let's just speak in terms of masturbation.

51:49 Drew Let's just.

51:50 Adam Okay. There's that, I'm going to peel one off in the shower, I'm running late for work. Almost, almost like sort of a compulsory jack off, like I just got to get this out of the way. I got to get to work. I may not be home for another eight or nine hours. Let's, let's, I don't want to have to do it in the car. Let's just do it here. But I'm running late. There's that one.

52:11 Caller This is you talking to your hand.

52:12 Adam Right. And then there's, and then there's, it's all right, then there's, I got all the time in the world. I'm going to, I got a, you know, I got a little, I got a little spectra vision here. If I, if I get off in the first eight minutes, this movie is going to cost like $400 an hour. You know what I mean? Math wise. If I, the more I can watch the movie, the cheaper it's really going to be. It's already 13 bucks. You see what I mean?

52:37 Drew If you watch it over three minutes, he's not getting his money's worth.

52:39 Right. Right. Right.

52:40 Adam There's that. That is a different kind of ejaculation. Oftentimes. Do you see what I'm saying?

52:47 Drew Yes.

52:47 Adam There's a little more gusto behind it. It's had the buildup. Do you see what I'm saying?

52:52 Drew Yes. Here's the reality is that you will build volume and intensity if you draw it out longer.

53:00 Adam Oh, will you? Okay.

53:01 Drew The more stimulation you have, the more sort of semen accumulates.

53:04 Adam Really?

53:05 Caller I learned this when we were trying to have kids.

53:07 Adam Oh, you did? Yeah. So the more stimulation, the more the semen comes in to play.

53:13 Drew Yeah. To a point. Did you have to do any fertility work?

53:17 Adam I just jacking off.

53:18 Drew Yeah.

53:19 Caller Me personally, no.

53:22 Drew Because we had that lovely experience of being handed the cup and lined up with my buddies and produce.

53:27 Caller No. This was more of just, you know, let's take time in between.

53:32 Drew Figure out how to do it optimally.

53:33 Caller Yes. So that when I, you know, my boys were ready, they were ready and it was a lot of them.

53:38 Adam We were having a laugh about this the other day, me and Drew, about talking about how different men and women are, which is when Drew was doing his fertility campaign, he would just swing by the fertility office on the way to work, right?

53:51 Drew Right.

53:52 Adam They'd hand you a magazine and a Dixie Riddle cup, ironically, and give you something to do in there. And a video, by the way, a video, really.

54:03 Drew The room, video room. And the room was right across from the lab with the Asian ladies stood waiting for you to hand them their cup and with a line of guys standing from the doorway.

54:14 Guest Just the thought of the Asian ladies waiting to take the cup might have been enough to get it done.

54:18 Adam Yeah. And the idea, and to me, when you're beating off and you got a line of guys, it's like you're on a pay phone and there's a guy standing there.

54:25 Drew Absolutely. It's work. Everybody's going to work.

54:27 Right.

54:27 Drew All right.

54:28 Adam So the point is you just go in there, you sort of mechanically take care of business, give them the sample and go to the office.

54:33 Right?

54:34 Adam And I was saying, a female, this would never work with a female. I mean, you never say, look, here, you know, here you go, here's a, here's a, I don't know what magazine chicks would look at with a beat off to, they wouldn't have anything first of any. Here's a bearer magazine. These are a husky man who are covered with hair.

54:52 Here you go.

54:53 Adam It's a well lit room. Hurry it up now, sweetie. We got another group coming in here in just a moment. Like girls be like, I need a candle, I need a bath, I'm all wrong in my head.

55:01 I'm not right.

55:02 Adam What time is it? It's 845 in the morning. I'm anxious. What's going on?

55:07 Guest Sometimes it is that thing of like, you know, how long does it take? It takes however long you have.

55:11 Adam Oh, really?

55:12 Guest If you have an hour, take an hour. If you're alone in the house for five minutes, it can take five minutes.

55:16 Adam But a woman, if there was some equivalent to this, it would be a take home kit. You would not tell women to line up down at the clinic and rub one out on their way to work. It wouldn't work for them. They'd be like, I'm not in the right space. I could go home and do it.

55:33 Guest You just gave me a business idea.

55:38 Adam Yeah, I'm just saying, I'm not putting women down. I'm just saying there's a difference between men and women now, where men are sort of mechanical.

55:45 Drew The other thing is though, men, it's all 100% the same production, so to speak. For women, each one's different.

55:51 Adam It would vary.

55:52 Drew It would be very different, which each needs would be. Right.

55:55 Adam All right, so where the hell was this guy?

55:57 Drew We're done with James. Come on.

55:58 Adam We are?

55:58 Drew Yeah. He's fine.

56:00 Adam Screw James.

56:01 Drew Screw James.

56:03 Adam Well, let me just see one thing. James?

56:05 Caller Yeah.

56:06 Adam Do you have a girlfriend?

56:09 Caller Oh, I had a girlfriend, but I just broke up with her in like a month ago.

56:13 Adam Okay. Because she was going to dump you?

56:15 Caller No, I dumped her.

56:17 Adam Okay.

56:18 Drew Is your nose congested like that all the time? Do you have deviated septum or are you just sick right now?

56:24 Adam All right. All right. You're fine, buddy. You're 19. You'll work it out.

56:28 Drew I see. I told you.

56:30 What was that?

56:31 Drew Yes.

56:31 Adam What do you say?

56:32 Drew I just yelled something at it.

56:33 Oh, really?

56:34 Drew Yeah.

56:34 Adam But it was unclear.

56:36 OK.

56:37 He wasn't very good.

56:39 Adam Brian. Well, he's calling from Arkansas. Brian.

56:46 Yeah.

56:47 Adam You're 18?

56:48 Caller Yes, sir.

56:49 Adam Sorry for disturbing you. Fully half the calls we take on this show are like we kicked in the front door and we're shining a flashlight and while they're in bed.

56:58 Drew We need a new policy. Then when we get that.

57:02 Adam Hang up on him.

57:02 Drew Just hold.

57:04 Adam I like screwing with people, though.

57:08 Yeah.

57:09 Adam Yeah. Well, Brian's been on hold for 90 minutes, Drew. What's up, Brian?

57:15 I was asking about my fiance. I knew her since kindergarten and ever since seventh grade, she moved and my best friend found her for me.

57:27 Drew Found her for you?

57:29 Yeah, he never did tell me where she lived until like last year. So we got together last year, April 27th and-

57:37 Adam Wait a minute. Hold on a second there. He found her for you, but didn't tell you where she lived?

57:43 Caller I don't know.

57:45 I don't know what was going on, but I think he like forgot, you know, to tell me or let me know. But she always told me that I never did ask of where she was moving to.

57:56 Drew Brian, you live at home with your parents?

57:58 Right now, but I'm about to get an apartment next month.

58:01 Adam I thought you were going to say possums, by the way. You have parents? You have actually human parents or it's a family possum? Are you upside down right now?

58:09 Drew Did you finish work?

58:10 No, I'm at work right now. I'm like, I'm tired.

58:12 Drew What kind of work do you do?

58:14 I'm at work. It's not really a lot of work. I'm a security guard. I just look around and make sure cars don't get stolen.

58:21 Drew Did you finish high school?

58:23 Yes, sir. All right. All right.

58:26 Adam So, Brian, you're going to marry this gal?

58:29 I was hoping so, but I was asking about what should I do about her problem. It's like bipolar and so sometimes when she don't take her medicine for it, she tends to get really mad and slaps me around.

58:43 Drew Well, A, domestic violence is a serious issue and her striking you is not okay.

58:48 Adam But it's funny when it's perpetrated on a dude. Especially when he works at security. It makes it ironic.

58:54 Drew It's ironic. B, irritability, while a hallmark of depression, is also a hallmark of mania. And so she has probably pretty severe bipolar illness. And here's the deal. She has to take her medicines. It's a biological disorder. It has a treatment. It's effective. She has to take her medicine. That's all there is to it.

59:13 Adam But look.

59:13 Drew If she doesn't, then it means there may be a character problem here to a personality disorder. And I'm not sure you should be with somebody that's bipolar and characterologically disturbed. That could be a problem.

59:23 Adam Well, by the way, a guy like yourself living in Arkansas, working security, working the graveyard shift, you shouldn't be tied down. I mean, I see you, you know, French Riviera, wearing a, you know, white dinner jacket, banging supermodels, letting it all ride on a couple on the spin of the roulette wheel. Yeah, wearing like a black silk eye patch, smoking those fancy European cigarettes.

59:51 Caller Waiting for James Bond to walk in.

59:52 Adam That's right. That's right. Challenging him to something.

59:56 Caller That's your future.

59:57 Adam Yeah. Brian?

59:59 Mm-hmm.

1:00:01 Adam Here's the thing. She's 17, right?

1:00:04 Caller Right.

1:00:05 Adam You're 18. Can you not get married for some time? Can you please do that?

1:00:08 Caller Like about 10 years or so?

1:00:09 Drew Just give it some time.

1:00:11 Caller I don't have to get married.

1:00:13 Drew There you go. Well, that's good.

1:00:14 Caller Sometimes I think that she's not really the right one.

1:00:18 Drew Yeah, she's just not... Or maybe you're not ready or she's not ready. It may not be so much the right one as much as the timing.

1:00:23 Adam Yeah, she may not be Mrs. Yokel.

1:00:26 Caller All right. But tell her to come see Mean Girls.

1:00:29 Drew Yeah, April 30th. That's right.

1:00:30 Adam Tell her to take her meds before she goes there. We don't want her talking in the theater.

1:00:34 Drew You know, I saw Alamo the other night on Friday night.

1:00:38 Adam You did?

1:00:38 Drew It was good. It was good. It was quite good. Billy Bob, unbelievable.

1:00:42 Adam Thornton.

1:00:42 Drew Yeah, really.

1:00:44 Adam He's a good actor.

1:00:45 Drew Yeah, memorable.

1:00:46 Adam As effed up a guy as he is, he is a really fantastic actor.

1:00:50 Drew Unmemorable. And I thought of this because behind me was somebody talking to the screen the entire film.

1:00:56 Adam Hold on a second.

1:00:57 Caller I'll hold your ear.

1:00:58 Drew I won't.

1:00:59 Caller I'll ask. Hold on a second. Was he an African?

1:01:02 Adam Oh, was he?

1:01:05 Caller Oh, please.

1:01:06 Caller Chinese guy.

1:01:07 Adam Oh, that was uncomfortable.

1:01:10 Caller Wow.

1:01:10 Caller Why did you jump to that?

1:01:11 Adam I don't know where I got that. Maybe we should go to break.

1:01:16 Guest It's really awkward.

1:01:17 Adam Do we have someone to play?

1:01:22 Drew Strangely enough, no.

1:01:23 Adam No.

1:01:23 Drew Really? It was, I think he was a sort of a Johnny Quest villain.

1:01:31 Adam Oh, you mean nationality. Yeah. Bizarre nationality.

1:01:33 Drew But with a Hispanic kind of a.

1:01:34 Adam Hard to put a finger on it. So he was rooting for.

1:01:40 Drew For Mexico. That's true.

1:01:43 Adam Came to the right movie.

1:01:44 Drew That's right.

1:01:44 Guest I went to see Dawn of the Dead down in like Burbs where my parents live and like a late show of Dawn of the Dead and a kid behind me threw up five times.

1:01:53 Drew Wow.

1:01:54 Guest And it was such it didn't even smell bad because it was such pure booze throw up that it smelled like just rum punch.

1:02:02 Adam Really?

1:02:03 Guest And the woman next to me of African American persuasion was like, you need to take your friend home. You need to be a friend. And they were like, shut up. And they stayed the whole movie.

1:02:13 Drew It's strange that that smell just just to me, I just immediately evoke a frat party.

1:02:17 Adam Yeah.

1:02:18 Drew I'm in college again. That's it.

1:02:20 Adam Yeah. If you can, I'm trying to think there are better things to bring up and worse. I mean, when it comes to heaving and, you know, like malt liquor, like Mickey's big mouth and stuff, that's that's bad times. But just just like Hawaiian punch with Everclear, not too bad. That's pretty. Especially as you get to the third and fourth upchuck, it gets a purity level that really you could just lap it up and get buzzed yourself. I mean, it's really not that bad at that point. So the Alamo good.

1:02:49 Drew A, I was shocked that it had as much bad press as it did. But I guess there's really somebody in the business world trying to stir it up for Disney, it seemed to me. And then B, Billy Bob Thornton, a truly memorable performance. I mean, it's it'll stay with me.

1:03:02 Adam I had a song, we're not going to help anybody tonight. Let me just say like, I'm not sure how the I'm not a religious man, but I do believe in the great magnet, you know, and the source, the force. I don't know what it is. I was punished this weekend. The last handful of times me and my master cylinder wife attempted to see a movie. It's not worked out for one reason or another. This time it's because I was I was good. I physically went to the ArcLight last night to see the new crazy chick who was married to Billy Bob, Angelina Jolie. Yeah, her new movie. Taking live. Yeah, I got good reviews. I like her. I was going to go see that movie. ArcLight does this thing where they show this movie at this time and then that movie at that time. And they told us the wrong time for this one. So it was it was this it was like the Neovartalos new movie, which I wasn't wasn't planning on on seeing. And then there was obviously. And by the way, I don't know what it is about life. But once you get on that, like, hey, we're screwed roll. It just snowballed. Like then you're driving all over town. You know, you're calling other movie theaters. Nothing is showing at the time.

1:04:17 Drew You want to catch your losses.

1:04:19 Adam Yeah, it's like it's like somebody. I wish someone had taught me this early in life, which is this isn't working. It's not working out. Go home. Don't don't keep pushing because you're going to get carjacked. Your wife's going to get raped and abducted. Eventually, that's where this is going. If you like, if you want to keep going down this path or you can just go home, open a bottle of red wine and pop that pay-per-view. But zero anyway, went went to the went to the theaters, you know, 28 movies. And I didn't want to see any of them and then went home and watched a pay-per-view.

1:04:49 Drew But when Mean Girls comes out.

1:04:50 Adam Well, if only Mean Girls and I said to my wife, it's coming out in a couple of weeks. We could hang. And she was like, you know, if you're telling me 10 days, we could stay. But if we're talking about, you know, 14, 17 days, no, I got to get to work. So we actually went back. And when is that when is the good stuff going to when is that thing going to come on where you can order any movie off of the satellite? You know, they've been kind of talking about this sort of sort of waving it around in front of us, like like what you do with the dog at the park where you take the tennis ball and you do the pump fake and the dog starts running and then turn around like what the F. What about these movies where you could just ring up whatever movie ever wanted?

1:05:31 Drew Eventually, there's a bunch of business problems.

1:05:34 Adam Yeah, it's always like Dickie Roberts, a child star, times 28. And then that's it. Some foreign language documentary. And now I'm out of freedom. Oh, and some sort of some sort of spirit fighting for my soccer.

1:05:48 Guest My husband's watched Eight-Legged Freaks like 15 times.

1:05:51 Drew Oh, really likes that one.

1:05:53 Adam No, he doesn't.

1:05:53 Guest He likes to fall asleep to it.

1:05:55 Adam Oh, does he? That's the other thing, too. If you have TiVo and you get one of these movies and you're cheap like I am, you have to keep it, even if it's a crappy movie. It's like, I paid $2.99 for this baby. Oh, sure, it sucked. But it's on the TiVo now. Maybe I could sell it to somebody. Let's let's take a call, Drew. What do you say? I got to help the kids. Adrienne. You're 18.

1:06:20 Caller I am 18.

1:06:21 Adam What's up?

1:06:24 Caller Basically, I was with a guy about a year ago. And after we'd been together for five months, it was more than a year ago. But after we'd been together for about five months, I got pregnant. And when I was about seven and a half, eight months pregnant, we broke up. And he wasn't there for the delivery. He wasn't there for anything. But we'd already decided that we're going to put the baby up for adoption because neither of us was ready and it wasn't part of the baby.

1:06:53 Drew Adrienne, we need to build a statue in your honor.

1:06:56 Adam Yeah, that's good.

1:06:57 Drew It's very, very wise. And what a great sacrifice on behalf of the child.

1:07:04 Caller It was a hard decision to make, but I think that we made the right one.

1:07:08 Drew Absolutely. Absolutely. Do you have one of those open adoptions or?

1:07:13 Caller Yes.

1:07:14 Drew So how are things going for the kid? Adam hates those, by the way.

1:07:16 Adam But I don't like open adoptions. But I don't like open houses or open marriages. Yeah, I don't like anything that's open.

1:07:24 Caller She's doing really good. She's the family that we chose because we got to choose the family. He's a doctor. So I think that we chose like the right family. They've been married for 20 years and they just couldn't have a baby. So I think we chose the right family.

1:07:45 Drew But they live in Portland too?

1:07:48 Caller No, they don't. They actually live in Seattle.

1:07:52 Adam And so with the open adoption, you can come around and see your child and confuse the child? Or how's that work?

1:07:59 Drew More than she gets reports, regular pictures.

1:08:02 Caller I know where she is, but I don't think that it's right for me to be around.

1:08:08 Adam Good.

1:08:08 Drew Strangely enough, Adrienne is the one caller we've had in last five years who probably would have been okay for her to keep the child.

1:08:14 Adam Well, it's ironic.

1:08:14 Drew Ironic.

1:08:15 Adam Yeah, the ones that are-

1:08:16 Drew Yeah, the good sense to do all this, but you still made a better choice on behalf of the child. So what's your question, Adrienne?

1:08:22 Caller Well, the guy that I'm in a new relationship now, and my ex-boyfriend who I had the baby with, he's back around now. And? And he's kind of just come out of nowhere and he wants us to start talking and being friends and start dating again. And I've kind of put the relationship that I'm in on hold. And it's just because, I mean, I'm attached to him because I had a child with him, you know, but I don't know if that's the only reason or if I still have feelings for him.

1:08:54 Adam We may have to cancel plans on that statue, by the way. No, you're into this guy because he's a bad boy, and the guy you're with now is a little boring. I mean, he treats you right, and it's what you've always said you've wanted. But when you do get it for a few months, you miss the dangerous guy. I mean, you're 18, you know, you may not grow out of that for a while.

1:09:13 Drew And the fact that he left at a critical time speaks volumes about his lack of genuine capacity to care for you.

1:09:22 Adam He may be an okay guy, but when push comes to shove, you having a kid together, as bizarre as this may sound, shouldn't create much of a bond if he cut out in the first trimester. And then you gave in fact, away to the opposite of a bond.

1:09:37 Drew It should be. It should be a sacri. It's something that puts a wedge between you that you can never forgive.

1:09:43 Caller Is the new guy in a new guy is sort of hanging out, you know, with you while you go through all this trouble, too.

1:09:50 Drew It seems like, you know, maybe it's more about the new guy. You're not being that into the new guy, but we wouldn't be.

1:09:55 Caller No, I'm very into the new guy. I'm very into him. I'm we have a great friendship. We've been friends.

1:10:01 Caller Oh, Adrian, it's done.

1:10:05 Drew Yeah. I mean, you might be ready for that kind of relationship just yet.

1:10:08 Adam So let's just think about it with the new guy is a nice guy. Good guy.

1:10:13 Caller He's like my cousin.

1:10:13 Adam Yeah.

1:10:14 Caller Like hanging out with him.

1:10:15 Adam Yeah. He's not he's not an exciting guy.

1:10:18 Drew And friend and it's kind of a healthy relationship. Maybe something you will be ready for someday. But we're sensing you're not quite ready for it right now.

1:10:25 Caller Well, I'm only 18.

1:10:27 Adam And where's your dad?

1:10:29 Caller My my dad is at home.

1:10:32 Drew There you go.

1:10:33 Adam And he said he said he's at home or is it the home?

1:10:38 Drew He's at home with your mom.

1:10:39 Caller He's at home with my mom.

1:10:41 Adam And do you like the dangerous guys? I'm just getting that vibe from you. I mean, every 18 year old chick likes the dangerous guy.

1:10:48 Caller I don't know if I like dangerous guys. I've I've always been attracted to older guys.

1:10:52 Guest But is he a lot older than you?

1:10:56 Caller Sorry.

1:10:57 Guest Is the guy that you had the baby with a lot older than you?

1:11:02 Drew How old is he?

1:11:03 Caller He was 24.

1:11:05 Adam Then you were 17.

1:11:08 Drew Yeah, he's an ass.

1:11:09 Adam Yeah, he's a criminal slash. He's a criminal slash asshole. He's a crass hole.

1:11:17 Drew Are you a criminal asshole?

1:11:18 Adam Got to be hot.

1:11:19 Caller Yeah, she's got to be.

1:11:20 Adam Hey, Adrian, please, please don't repay guys like this with sex who knock you up. By the way, having sex with minors when they're in their mid 20s, get someone pregnant, cut out, then they come back. I mean, please, everybody, start punishing people that deserve it. All right, that is it. I mean, not it for us, but for Tina and Tim, it is it because they hung out longer than they needed to, quite frankly.

1:11:46 Guest Because we care about people.

1:11:47 Adam Yeah, they wanted to help. God bless them. So we'll give them another plug. Mean Girls coming out on Friday, not this Friday, the next one, the 30th, everybody. Thanks for coming on. Thanks for having us. Come back anytime you like and we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:12:05 Caller Dude, you got issues.

1:12:31 Adam Dr. Drew, we got a Germany or Florida coming up. I want to thank Tina Fey and Tim Meadows for coming in here today. And we got Germany, Florida. We got someone over here who's mad at me, and we got this big fat guy, Drew.

1:12:44 Drew We've talked to him in a while.

1:12:46 Adam Let's get rid of the person who's mad at me real fast. Beth?

1:12:49 Yeah.

1:12:50 Adam 21, go ahead.

1:12:51 Um, yeah, I just had to comment more than a question. First of all, I think you guys are totally entertaining, but Adam, I gotta ask, why do you talk so much in the whole show?

1:13:00 Adam Well, sometimes I try not to, and then the show seems to drag.

1:13:04 Well, but the thing is, sometimes you'll get the question out of somebody, and then you go, it's like this super exciting question from somebody you really wanna know what, like, the rest of it is, and then you go, hold on a minute.

1:13:15 Adam What show are you listening to? Hold on, this super exciting question from someone you really wanna talk to?

1:13:22 Yeah, like, sometimes you'll ask the question, they'll tell their question, they wanna know, like, you know, help me out, whatever, and then you go, okay, wait, that reminds me, I was driving on Sepulveda today, and you go off on a tangent, and it's just kinda like, well, I wanna hear what the guy was gonna say.

1:13:37 Adam Well, I wanna hear what they're gonna say, too, except for the super exciting part. I think that's the part, I think that's the part I have difficulty with in your assertion.

1:13:47 Why do you have difficulty with that?

1:13:49 Adam Because while I will give you the fact that somebody who, you know, got pregnant at 14 and gave up their son and then was reunited with them at 28 and all that stuff sounds great, when you really hear them say it, it's rarely delivered in a coherent and exciting fashion. Drew, would you back me up?

1:14:14 Drew She's a great person.

1:14:15 You can't imagine that somebody that's had a tragic life is gonna be like, hey, listen to this great story I got, you know, you kinda gotta take it for what it's worth, right?

1:14:22 Adam No, yeah, they don't have to be upbeat or peppy about it. They just have to move in a sort of linear fashion and get from point A to point B to point C and not sort of drag, and that's where our callers have difficulty.

1:14:39 I don't know, but I'm sure you've heard, you kinda have one of those voices that sometimes you just kinda like get to the end of it, right? Have you ever heard that before?

1:14:48 Adam No.

1:14:49 Yeah?

1:14:49 Adam Not really. Well, look, here's the thing.

1:14:51 Caller Mom?

1:14:53 Adam Here's the, you're talking about, you're talking about my nasally voice?

1:14:56 Caller No, but it's funny. I like it and I appreciate it. But sometimes when you're talking for like an hour.

1:15:02 Adam Yeah. Well, listen, I really, okay, hold on a second, Drew. Stop me if I'm wrong. I don't really like talking that much.

1:15:09 Drew That's true.

1:15:10 Adam I really wouldn't. If I thought this show could move along in a cadence that was acceptable, I would gladly hang back. I got ideas, I got stories, I got things I like to say, but I'm perfectly willing to hang back and let things.

1:15:26 Drew Just behave the way you do in real life.

1:15:28 Adam Yeah, I don't talk that much in real life. Look, engineer Chris, what, I said three words to you in the six months I've been here?

1:15:35 Drew Did I talk your ear off? All the time. How about Nicole, who broadcasts the next studio down? She thinks you hate her because you've never said one word to her. You pass her every night.

1:15:45 Adam I say something to her.

1:15:46 Drew Yeah, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, how you doing? Indian, yeah, hey.

1:15:50 Adam Yeah, hey. Oh, how's it going? There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not a huge talker, but watch, well, I'll try it. We'll see if we can get someone who's compelling and see if it does. All right, so I'm willing to try it your way, Beth.

1:16:07 Caller Don't call it Loveline anymore.

1:16:09 Adam We'll see if we can get people that will put sentences together and provide the kind of entertainment.

1:16:15 Drew You sound like you're the sort of the front person for a group of people who have been sitting around chatting about something.

1:16:22 Caller Wait, what?

1:16:23 Drew You sound like you're vocalizing something that you've been discussing with somebody else. You know what I mean?

1:16:28 Caller Oh, no, no, this isn't just me.

1:16:29 Drew It's just you, all right.

1:16:30 Caller I'm just driving with my boyfriend and we were listening to it. And it was just a random comment I made, so I'm like, hey, I'll call him and tell him.

1:16:38 Adam All right, thanks anyway. I just told her I was gonna implement her policy.

1:16:44 Drew She wants you to continue doing it, but change the name of the show to The Adam Show. See, that was her suggestion.

1:16:53 Adam Look, hold on a second. Whatever it is I do on the show is not gonna please everybody. I'm well aware of that. And here's the good news. I don't care. I really don't. I don't see any email. I don't talk to anybody. I don't think anyone listens to this show. And I really, Drew, I don't know how many discussions we've had about this show outside of this show, but have you ever heard me say, gee, I wonder what people thought about this or I'm concerned about that, or I need to start doing this or that?

1:17:22 Drew Never.

1:17:23 Adam But be honest.

1:17:24 Drew Never.

1:17:25 Adam Okay. When the show's over, what do I talk about?

1:17:27 Drew Your house, your mom and your grandmother.

1:17:30 Adam Thank you.

1:17:31 Drew And sometimes your dad.

1:17:32 Adam Which is not to say I don't care about the show. I just do it the best I can.

1:17:35 Drew And sometimes your sister.

1:17:36 Adam That's it.

1:17:37 Drew And sometimes people's driving.

1:17:38 Adam All right, you ever see me look at an email, read a letter?

1:17:41 Drew Never.

1:17:42 Adam Ever?

1:17:45 Drew Occasionally, and we'll put a couple down here. I'll go, hey, look at this. And you won't.

1:17:49 Adam There you go. All right, so in nine years, how many emails do you think I've looked at?

1:17:53 Drew Maybe one.

1:17:55 Adam Letters read?

1:17:56 Drew Zero.

1:17:56 Adam Thank you. Sean?

1:18:00 Caller Hey, what's going on?

1:18:01 Adam You're 17. What's the problem?

1:18:04 Caller Well, before I get to my question, I just wanted to say, Adam, you are freaking hilarious and that girl needs to shut her mouth.

1:18:10 Adam Thanks, baby doll. But I'm going to try a sort of a laissez-faire approach.

1:18:14 Drew A Beth approach.

1:18:16 Caller Well, I don't know. Like, I don't know if you remember this, but a while back you were goofing on some PSAs and the one where they're singing Amazing Grace. I think Dag was in on the show and you guys were just rolling on the floor. I was dying. You guys were goofing on kids getting shot and singing.

1:18:36 Drew Right, right, right. What's your question tonight?

1:18:39 Caller I'm severely overweight and I've done tons of diets and I just can't, I can't get.

1:18:46 Drew What are you coming in at?

1:18:48 Caller 6'1 and just under 350. I think I'm 341.

1:18:52 Drew What's the lowest weight you've gotten to?

1:18:54 Caller Huh?

1:18:55 Drew What's the lowest weight you've gotten to?

1:18:58 Caller I did the Atkins and I got down to 270 and then I came off of it and I just rebounded severely.

1:19:09 Adam Are your parents big?

1:19:10 Caller My mom is, my dad's a toothpick, but he's not around very much.

1:19:15 Adam Oh, he's split?

1:19:18 Caller Huh?

1:19:18 Adam Is he black? Your dad?

1:19:22 Caller No.

1:19:23 Adam OK. Drew wrote something down and handed it to you. No, no. And he split?

1:19:28 Caller Yeah.

1:19:28 Adam Is it because your mom ballooned up and he's a toothpick or?

1:19:33 Caller Yeah, well, she's been big, like, ever since I can remember.

1:19:39 Adam Well, look, any guy who's 17 and 350 pounds has a genetic predisposition to weight gain.

1:19:44 Drew Yeah, for the most part. And, uh...

1:19:47 Adam No, no. Now, you know what? Straight on.

1:19:49 Drew Well, or there's abuse survivors that will do this sometimes, but, uh...

1:19:53 Caller Uh-oh.

1:19:54 Drew Yeah? You don't know what?

1:19:57 Caller I've been, like, trying this diet, like, where I've been taking that hydroxy cut stuff.

1:20:03 Drew Yeah.

1:20:03 Caller And, like, I wake up in the morning and, uh, I'll drink a V8 and I'll take a couple hydroxy cuts and then, uh, in the afternoon I'll eat, like, a very small lunch and take a couple more and I drink, like, a ton of water.

1:20:16 Adam What's a hydroxy cut?

1:20:19 Caller Yeah. It's like a metabolism boost, appetite, and presence.

1:20:24 Drew It's got to have something not good in it, because that's the only thing that will have...

1:20:27 Caller Well, it says it's ephedra-free, so...

1:20:29 Drew Yeah, but there are things like ephedra out there that are not so great for you. But listen, the fact... have you worked with a dietitian?

1:20:35 Caller Um, yeah, and, like, they gave me, like, like, a diet that was, like, almost impossible to follow.

1:20:42 Drew Alright, and have you tried exercising?

1:20:44 Caller Yeah, I, uh, I do, like, a cardio workout.

1:20:47 Drew Alright, here's the deal. So Sean, if you've worked with a dietitian, if you diligently applied yourself and you're exercising and you still can't lose weight, that is the time to really look into, uh, obesity surgery, bariatric surgeries. There are procedures that can be done now that are very effective, that are done through a scope, they don't even have to open you up necessarily. That is designed for people like you. There are people, it's pretty clear now, the people that are in the sort of weight range you're talking about and people that have what Adam is calling genetic predisposition, something has to be done to reverse that genetic potentiality in that surgery. And that's the only thing that has sustained weight loss associated with it.

1:21:23 Adam Well, there you go, Beth. That was my semi-hands-off approach to call it. I'm done with that. Let me ask you this, Drew. Is there always been a certain percentage of society that was obese?

1:21:40 Drew Yes.

1:21:42 Adam I mean, I don't know how you could tell. I guess you see portraits and things like that from days of Yorn. If you were Henry VIII, they would probably even trim you up a little.

1:21:55 Drew I know. In the old days, obesity was considered a sign of success.

1:22:00 Adam Well, yeah, but that was being filled out. Was obesity?

1:22:07 Drew Absolutely. There's a guy named Mr. Pickwick in some of the Charles Dickens. I think it was Charles Dickens' tale, but the guy was hugely obese. He was looked at as the corpulent, successful, wealthy guy.

1:22:20 Adam Well, there was never the large ass popper. I mean, it was always the successful head, sort of captain of industry guy that was big and fat.

1:22:28 Drew Women were considered sort of desirable too.

1:22:30 Adam Yeah. Bad times back then. By the way, big gal, you mix that with no showers. You got a little trouble downstairs. You know what I'm saying?

1:22:44 Drew I'm listening.

1:22:48 Adam By the way, no waxing, no showers, and 250 pounds, fellas. Yeah.

1:22:54 Drew Good times.

1:22:54 Adam You got to put some spices on that hammer, so don't go bad. You know what I mean?

1:23:00 Drew Well, most days, it wasn't oral sex considered a sin or something.

1:23:03 Adam I sure hope it was. I would have been leading that crusade if they weren't. But here's the thing. There's always, when you're fat, and I mean that fat at 17, that is the way you are, and it doesn't do society any good really. There's two things society wants to do when you're fat. They want to A, make fun of you.

1:23:23 Drew Make it your problem, yeah.

1:23:25 Adam B, make fun of you. Actually, A through G make fun of you, and then a G through Z sell you stuff, whether they be ideas, books, protein shakes. So society, it's really, there's no interest for society to say, look, that's just the way you are. It's a genetic thing. That's the way you're cut. It's like attacking somebody who has a big nose or male pattern baldness and stuff. And we still do that, even realizing that there's nothing they can do about it. But really, fat people, and I do believe that they are getting the brunt of all the political correctness that is going on in this society.

1:24:06 Drew All the political correctness gets converted over to ostracism.

1:24:11 Adam Here's the deal. There's no more Polak jokes. Now, there's fat jokes. And there's no more black jokes. There's no more Mexican jokes. God knows that people are still funny. There's no more good Asian jokes. There's no more good, that we cannot make fun of people anymore, you know, religion wise or ethnicity wise. So the one, the last bastion of attack, the last target for our arrows are fat people.

1:24:37 Drew And they're going to take it all.

1:24:38 Adam And if you watch television or listen to the radio or whatever, that's fine. I mean, that's where they go. I mean, if you substitute fat guy for black guy or fat guy for Jewish guy or fat guy for Asian guy, or whatever it is, and you take those same barbs and steer it toward those people, there would be, there would be outrage. I mean, the station would be flooded with letters. No, you know, Jimmy Kimmel couldn't do his late night show and make fun of Star Jones being black. He could make fun of Star Jones being fat. See what I'm saying? I'm not saying she deserves to be made fun of because she's black, but the idea that it's okay to make fun of her because she's fat, somehow that's okay. And the only way that can remain okay is if we decide to brought it on themselves. Essentially, because then it makes it easier. Oh, look at you, you slob, have some respect.

1:25:32 Drew Stop being those McDonald's. Stop the fast food. If you just cut out the fast food, you'd be fine. If you cut out the fast food, you hear all this chivalrous out there. If you cut this out, you got that.

1:25:40 Adam It's more like have some discipline, have some self-respect, have some dignity. Look, super skinny guys, by the way. The super skinny guys do anything to say super skinny unless they're doing mounds of heroin. I mean, think about the guys that are sort of wiry. Look at Dr. Bruce. Dr. Bruce makes a Ichabod Crane look fat, look like veruca salt. Is that the fat one?

1:26:07 Drew Augustus glue.

1:26:08 Adam Augustus glue. I mean, he has his Adam's apple as Adam's apple. I mean, this guy, I swear to Christ, he is a bean pole, Dr. Bruce. Now, Dr. Bruce is the only adult male I know who takes 16 sugars in his coffee. Not three, 16.

1:26:32 Drew And we put whipped cream on it if we had it.

1:26:34 Adam If, yes. Absolutely. Now, he eats like an idiot. I mean, he eats like a stoned five-year-old. Do you understand?

1:26:44 Drew Yeah, and he's a bean pole.

1:26:46 Adam And he's a bean pole. Do we need to know what his secret is?

1:26:49 Drew Well, maybe you ought to suggest to him he put out some videos.

1:26:52 Adam Yeah, he needs to come out with a book.

1:26:54 Drew Book, videos.

1:26:55 Adam It's called Under 20 Packets in Your Coffee. You make that...

1:26:59 Drew Well, then you get the fat guy. You get Phil telling other people how to be thin.

1:27:02 Adam Dr. Phil?

1:27:03 Drew Yeah.

1:27:04 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:27:04 Drew Well, he's...

1:27:05 Adam Well, he knows...

1:27:06 Drew .thin.

1:27:06 Adam And now look, here's the thing, everybody. Stop eating so much. Start exercising a lot. Obviously, you're going to move in the right direction. You ain't never going to be Dr. Beanpole. You're just not. And like I said, if you got his metabolism, you can be a 45-year-old man who puts 16 packets of sugar in his coffee. That's it. Thank you very much. Let's take ourselves a little break. We'll be right back. Loveline.

1:27:39 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:27:58 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. I saw Producer Anne in the, well, she was out front when I walked up this evening, and she said, did you miss me? And then I said, where'd you go? And she said, oh, great, you didn't even know I was gone for the last week? And I said, well, I knew that junior. Junior. Junior, junior, junior. Chris, could you help me out with some of these junior skates? Just say junior. Would you please? So I can take a breath there. I got to rest here.

1:28:45 Caller Junior.

1:28:46 Adam A few, a few.

1:28:47 Caller Junior, junior, junior, junior.

1:28:50 Adam OK, I'm good. I'm rested. I'm rested. Junior, junior, junior, junior. Lauren was here during the week, but I didn't know. I thought she was just I don't know what was going on.

1:29:01 Drew It was a weird way to because I was gone. Part of it stuff.

1:29:03 Adam All right. That's my problem. I think that's the problem everyone has with me. I don't know what's going on. I don't notice anything.

1:29:11 Drew Unless unless somebody's tapping their fingers, say fly farts on the wall, then you're all over it. Yeah.

1:29:17 Adam All right.

1:29:18 Drew Listen, what is that?

1:29:18 Adam Am I my own business? Yeah. Am I my own business? Yeah. I got fish to fry. Big fish to fry. Megan?

1:29:26 Caller Yeah.

1:29:26 Adam You're 18? Your, let's see, hurts when your boyfriend gives you a little finger tap.

1:29:34 Caller He tries to finger me. It really hurts.

1:29:36 Caller And then when we try other positions besides missionary, it hurts. And I don't know if this is normal or what's going on.

1:29:44 Adam Well, let's see.

1:29:46 Drew Is that right at the point of penetration or when he's- Is it right at the point of penetration or when he's in there?

1:29:52 Caller Yeah.

1:29:54 Drew Right at the start? But not in the missionary. Are you able to relax more when you're in the missionary? Well, there you go.

1:30:05 Adam Yeah.

1:30:06 Caller Well, I'm able to relax in other positions as well, but it hurts.

1:30:10 Adam Well, let's let's talk about this for a second. Any any problems you ever molested or abused or anything?

1:30:15 Caller No.

1:30:16 Adam No.

1:30:17 Caller You're healthy.

1:30:18 Adam You love your parents.

1:30:20 Caller Yes.

1:30:20 Adam You're not, you know, born-again Christian or shaker or something. You don't think this is wrong?

1:30:26 Caller No.

1:30:27 Adam All right. How about trying a little lubrication?

1:30:31 Drew All right. Or why bother with those other positions and those things you don't like? You don't have to do that.

1:30:37 Adam You got your one.

1:30:39 Caller I didn't know if something could be wrong down there or what.

1:30:43 Drew Certainly, if you're sexually active, you've got to start getting pelvic exams, right? Well, you haven't had one, huh? Yeah, you got to do that.

1:30:50 Adam Get that pelvic exam. Tell them Dr. Drew sent you.

1:30:55 Drew All right. I sure will.

1:30:58 Adam I like that. I missed that part of advertising.

1:31:01 Drew Tell them Loveline sent you.

1:31:02 Adam Tell them Loveline sent you. And I like when you get a certain percentage off.

1:31:06 Drew Get a parking coupon.

1:31:08 Adam Yeah. Sing the jingle and get 20% off your first set of bloopers or whatever. I always say.

1:31:15 Drew You know what? Yeah, I'm remembering now I actually did that. There's like bring a 7-Up can to Magic Mountain circa about 1982.

1:31:23 Adam I remember the campaign.

1:31:24 Drew Brought the can and the guy at the booth looked at me the way the guys at the gas station behind the bulletproof catalog looked at me like, what's this? Who's this retard with the 7-Up can?

1:31:34 Adam I know.

1:31:35 Drew And he goes, this is just what it costs to get in here. Get the can out of here.

1:31:38 Adam Yeah, I know. And that's my suspicion is like you bring up Loveline, you get 20% off your first purchase of two tires or more. I always just think that just means it's 20% off of all that stuff.

1:31:49 Drew Absolutely.

1:31:50 Adam No one ever mentions any of this stuff. And you feel like an a-hole if you do.

1:31:53 Drew When you do, yeah.

1:31:53 Adam And by the way, is it a great precedent to set that you should have your customers and making a-holes of themselves in order to get a few bucks off? How about just coming on in? You know why? Because it's dealing days. Oh, yes, it's dealing days. They got to move. They're overstocked. They order too much.

1:32:13 Drew They stack them deep. They sell them cheap.

1:32:16 Adam I like the ones where the guy's cut in the commercial telling you that his boss doesn't know what went wrong. Here's the deal. Sales assistant for Browning Ford says, he's ordered too much inventory. If the boss finds out, he'll have his head. Really? Maybe he shouldn't cut a commercial.

1:32:34 Drew Maybe he should announce it publicly.

1:32:37 Adam Yeah, it seems like the boss may catch wind of it if you advertise enough on the radio. Yeah, I like that. So, no reasonable offer refused. I like that one. And I like this one. I like the one that really says, here's what I do. And it's an opposite math kind of thing. It's like, nobody pays more for your trade-in. Nobody has better prices on used cars. Well, it's gotta be one or the other. Yeah. Here's the deal. Blue Book on that car you're trading in, Drew. Blue Book, $19,000. I'll tell you what, we're gonna give you $26,000, and we're gonna turn around and sell it for $17,000. That's how we run our business. We actually, we spend more on trade-ins than when they go out the door. And we give them a 50-point safety check.

1:33:19 Drew They're fair.

1:33:20 Adam That's right.

1:33:21 Drew We're good guys.

1:33:21 Adam We pay top dollar for your trade-in, but we let them go cheap. Here's what I want. Look, let's be honest with you. You people are never gonna get what you think your trade-in is worth, but we pass along. You know what I mean?

1:33:33 Drew There you go.

1:33:33 Adam We lowball your ass, but then we sell them cheap. So if you wanna use car, this is the place to come. All right, stack them deep, sell them cheap. We'll be right back.

1:33:44 Caller All right guys, bottom line, here's the deal. Looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person. One call's all you need to make.

1:33:51 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:33:52 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:33:58 Caller Love Line with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:34:00 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:34:04 Caller You're gonna be right back.

1:34:31 Adam It's always good when they go by fast.

1:34:34 Drew Yeah.

1:34:35 Adam That means it went well. Or we didn't care.

1:34:37 Drew In spite of death.

1:34:38 Adam Yeah, yeah. She had some critiques.

1:34:41 Drew We're open.

1:34:42 Adam I wanna thank Tim Meadows and Tina Fey for coming in here and being delights and tell everyone to go out and see evil girls.

1:34:52 Drew Mean girls.

1:34:53 Adam Yeah, mean girls. One week from this Friday, 30th of April. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:35:04 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, April 18, 2004