Episode 1000606346354

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

1:00 Voiceover Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:02 Adam Hey everybody, it's Loveline! That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LLV-E-191.

1:10 Drew Oh, you're back. Do you have jeans on?

1:12 Adam Let a little gas go. No, I can't light anything. I'm wearing it.

1:15 Drew It's been at least three years since you've done that. Maybe four.

1:18 Adam Since I've lit a fart?

1:19 Drew Chris has never seen that. You've heard it, but you've never seen it.

1:23 Adam Have you ever seen anyone light a fart, Chris? No, you know, I like it, uh... This is, for me, it's like doing magic at a retarded children's hospital when I light a fart in front of somebody who's never seen it before. The look of awe and wonderment.

1:39 Drew Oh, yeah.

1:43 Adam Would have been good. Would have been great, but I can't do it in the man-made fibers. Man-made fibers.

1:50 Drew They melt? Get them fire?

1:52 Adam Oh, yeah. Yeah. I will... No, no, my... They'll be sealed shut permanently if these Dacron Puma sweats go up. You gotta do it in denim. I have a theory that denim was actually made... Originally, they say it was for minors. The jeans, the Levi jeans. I think it was for guys who lit farts. It's that good. It has all the protective qualities of an oven mittens, but yet, air passes through it like just the drapes in a douche commercial.

2:23 Drew Not just air, but methane.

2:25 Adam The point is, is it doesn't stop any of the fart at all. For anything, it just fans it out a little, but it's really like wearing one of those volcano suits. You know, the ones that look like tinfoil. The ones that the guys who fight fires at the airport wear.

2:43 Drew Yes, yes, or the oil rigs and stuff.

2:44 Adam Yeah, yeah. So that's good. So I will not try it in the sweats.

2:49 You're gonna be a prop trial.

2:51 Adam It is a, I will prop trial. I'll drop trial. I'll drop trial. You can't listen. No, I can't. You might explode. No, yes, I will. I got my ass looks like a, you know the head of a troll doll down there. Yeah. It's a lot of hair. I will go up like a Roman candle. Yeah, it used to be orange, now it's brown. So here's my point, there'll be no fart lighting, but it is a beast for the senses when I like those farts. And when I yell get the lights and it gets dark and you see nothing and then pow, the flame. And as you pan around a room, like I said, the flame, it lights up the faces of the happy on.

3:31 Drew You're just frustrating, Chris.

3:33 Adam It's gonna be big. I'm gonna start wearing jeans. All right? David Tell, the world's funniest stand up comedian is coming on tonight. How do I know? Because he called and said he was gonna be late.

3:44 Drew That's good. Did you talk to him?

3:47 Adam No, I did not. He called Junior, Junior producer, Lauren. Well, I don't see anything on the screen, so I may have to just filibuster for another five minutes or so. You ready to rock here, Drew? All right, so David Tell from Insomniac is coming in here. Also from Crank Anchors, a little show called Crank Anchors. He's coming in in just a couple of few, and we'll speak to Ryan, who's 17. Ryan?

4:26 Hey. How's it going, guys?

4:28 Adam Good, buddy. What's happening?

4:30 Caller Man, I've been listening to you guys for such a long time, and anybody who doesn't believe in Jesus Christ is ought to believe in you guys, because you guys are the answer to all of our life's problems.

4:42 Adam Thank you. Thank you.

4:44 Drew Not exactly their intention, but go ahead.

4:47 Adam Go ahead.

4:48 Caller Well, my girlfriend right now is 14, and I'm 17, I'll be 18 in October this year.

4:56 Adam But you're a virgin, right?

4:58 Caller No.

4:59 Adam No?

5:00 Caller No. Actually, that's where this comes in. When I turn 18, we've been sleeping together for the last year or so, and I don't know what kind of legal troubles I can get in, how I can avoid those legal troubles.

5:20 Drew You're turning 18, I don't think appreciably changes the legal trouble.

5:25 Adam It doesn't?

5:26 Drew I don't think so.

5:28 Adam Why?

5:28 Drew He's more than three years older.

5:30 Adam Well, okay, but still, I mean, by the way, once you're not a minor, once you're an adult, is there a difference between being 57 and 18? I mean, I suppose in the eyes of the judge, he'd be disgusted at a 57-year-old having sex with a 16-year-old, whereas he wouldn't with an 18-year-old. But in the eyes of the law, is there really any appreciable difference? As I've said many hundreds of zillions of times, can we just go ahead and get the age of consent uniform around the country, just call it 18 or 17, or as I've actually pushed for, 13? Can we just decide on a number instead of having it go all over the map, being like five years' difference between Hawaii and California?

6:15 Drew Well, that's the strange thing, California, where if you're within three years of the person, you're okay.

6:20 Caller Yeah.

6:21 Drew Yeah, you're more than three years older?

6:25 Adam Well, maybe you being 18 and she being 14, maybe that should be the end of the road here. I mean, you being a senior in high school and her being in the ninth or tenth grade?

6:40 Caller I really don't know. I don't want to end up with her just because I'm turning 18.

6:44 Drew How's your relationship with her parents?

6:47 Caller It's her relationship or my relationship.

6:51 I'm on good terms with her mom.

6:52 Caller Her mom loves me, but her dad is... Her dad just about hates me.

6:58 Drew Because that's usually where you get in trouble with these situations. One of the parents pushes things.

7:03 Caller Well, her dad is scared to go to court. He wouldn't go to court to get legal custody of her.

7:09 Adam Never on daughter. Well, hold on. What grade is she in that's going to settle it?

7:13 Drew Ninth.

7:14 Adam Ninth. And you're senior?

7:15 Caller Well, she got held back. I'm actually a junior.

7:19 Drew Did you get held back too?

7:21 Caller No. All right.

7:22 Adam Why did she get held back?

7:25 Caller Just messing around.

7:27 Adam Okay.

7:28 Caller Hold on.

7:29 Adam Let me explain what you have to... I'm a product at LA. Unified School District. To be held back, you have to defecate on three teachers and try to kill the four.

7:40 Drew As I said, homicide must be held.

7:41 Adam You have to... Here's the only way you can be held back. You have to not show up at all. You never enroll.

7:47 Drew Right.

7:48 Adam That's it.

7:49 Drew Even then.

7:49 Adam I just sat there winding up the propeller on my beanie for five years and they never... They moved me right along. As a matter of fact, it was like, let's get them out of here.

7:58 Drew Well, I think that's their plan.

7:59 Adam That was... Hey, Corolla, you want to graduate next year? Geez, I'm only in the ninth grade. We'll get you out. What do I do?

8:08 Drew Bring those library books back.

8:09 Adam I'm 14. Drop off We the People and then go get yourself a job carpet clean. What do you say? Sound good? Here's your diploma. All right. They need to break up.

8:20 Drew I was thinking about you today and your lack of value in education. That is mind-boggling to me.

8:24 Adam Yes. Well, look at me. Literally a millionaire.

8:28 Drew I know.

8:28 Adam Arguably a genius. With no education.

8:31 Drew I know, if you worked out, but imagine what you could accomplish with an education and be...

8:35 Adam Hold on, what does that mean? Imagine what I could have accomplished with an education. Who knows? I'd be some more fiend addict who was tortured. And, by the way, there's nothing worse than making like 40 grand a year and having a master's degree. You know, you feel tortured. See, for me, it's all gravy. Like, if you're a Corolla, all you got to do is make 35k a year and you're making much more than you should. I feel sorry for these poor saps who have nine years of college and all they have to show for is like 41 grand a year at some crappy library job or some dead-end gig somewhere. They constantly feel like they're not, they're underachievers. I feel like an overachiever just by having a job.

9:20 Drew I understand.

9:21 Adam Just imagine where I could have been.

9:23 Drew No, what you could have done.

9:24 Adam What would I know that I don't know now? I'm the one who knows everything on this show. How dare you?

9:31 Drew You have instincts about things, wouldn't you?

9:33 Adam Yes, I have instincts. I know what everyone's talking about.

9:36 Drew Right.

9:37 Adam But...

9:37 Drew That's instincts. But if you actually had knowledge, you actually could read and do calculus and study physics...

9:43 Adam I know what... I can build a house. I can tell a joke. I can kick an ass. I'm a Renaissance man, Drew. Please. How dare you? You hear this, Chris? When I'm not lighting farts, I'm swinging a hammer. I'm not swinging a hammer. I'm punching with a boxing glove and I'm not punching. I'm telling a joke. I'm fixing a car. What can't I do? That's the real question. And let me say this to you, Drew. Let me tell you some of all these pussies. All this time spent in college, they can't change a tire on their car.

10:13 Drew That's for sure.

10:14 Adam Now what about that skill? Do you hear what I'm saying?

10:17 Drew Okay.

10:23 Adam Thalila? I knew, I told you, I could have been one of the great pirate astronauts.

10:29 Drew Absolutely. That's what you wanted to do.

10:32 Adam Buzz Blackbeard. Would that be a great pirate astronaut name? Who are you? Buzz Blackbeard. Thalila? You're seventeen? What's up?

10:47 I'm a little embarrassed about this, but here goes. Whenever I seem to masturbate, it doesn't like, I'm expecting something more than what I'm getting. I'm wondering if I'm like doing it wrong, if there's like a certain way to do it.

11:05 Drew For the most part, up to about age 22, 24, most women don't, most of them, not all, but most don't find much pleasure in this masturbation.

11:14 Adam Do you have an orgasm?

11:16 No.

11:16 Adam No.

11:17 Drew Well, then, they're almost, that's most of them.

11:19 Adam Yeah, but she's saying, when I masturbate, I'm expecting more than I'm getting. Well, if you're not getting an orgasm, you're falling.

11:28 Drew Yeah, but again, women are different. Women are very different that way. The whole experience.

11:32 Adam I wonder what book Drew read that in in college.

11:33 Drew The whole experience doesn't make sense. It's just like, oh, so what? It just doesn't, doesn't click in. It's like, ah, whatever. Well, no, but what I'm saying is they have no interest, interest in connection, for instance, between arousal and desire.

11:46 Adam Yeah.

11:47 Drew They just kind of get aroused, but has to have sort of an emotional component to it.

11:50 Adam Well, well, look, here's, here's what I'm saying. If she's not having an orgasm, she's obviously falling short of what the stated mission was when she began diddling herself.

12:02 Drew Well, women have no, many women, again, they're all very different, but most of them have no drive to orgasm. So they, they, they, they might find pleasure just in the arousal, but she's in the arousal.

12:11 Adam I don't, I'm not exactly sure. Most women who masturbate are heading toward an orgasm or attempting an orgasm. And if they had an orgasm, I think they would be satisfied with it. And Delilah. First off, if you masturbate, like if I masturbated and I didn't have an orgasm, that's just a pull my crank off. Like I just be like hour number five of me tugging on myself. You would find me collapse.

12:39 Drew A man had a driver.

12:40 Adam A ring of mortise would set in.

12:42 Drew And I'd strive to do that.

12:44 Adam Paramex would be prying my fingers like pipe cleaners off my door. Just what happened? Well, his electrolytes fell through the basement. He lost. He depleted of all fluids and he dried up and fell over.

13:01 Drew There you go.

13:04 Adam It's the way he would have wanted to go.

13:05 Drew Hypokalemic arrhythmia.

13:07 Adam He died doing what he loved. We've talked about that in a while, but there was do that when the guy goes extreme backpacking and then he freezes out in the Sierras or the guy goes with the parachuting essence. He died doing what he loved. Really? How much do you think he loved it when the chute didn't open?

13:28 Drew How much do you figure that was in his plan too?

13:30 Adam The dying part? Not a big part of the plan. He died doing what he loved. To me it's like, if it kills you, check it off the list of things I love. Number one should not be on that list. Backpacking? Used to love it. Tell it killed me. Now it's no longer one of the things I love. Speaking of things I love, and this is good radio, Dave Attell is here everybody.

13:55 Dave Attell Hey what's up? I'm sorry I'm late.

13:57 Adam That's alright. You know him from Insomniac.

14:01 Dave Attell How you doing?

14:02 Adam His many, many, many, many stand-up appearances. I saw Dave in San Francisco must have been four years ago. Three years ago. And I never go out and watch stand-up. I never go out and watch. Drew, what do I say about stand-up?

14:17 Drew I hate all comedians.

14:20 Adam Didn't we work the beats out on this one? No, I said I appreciate the art form. I could never do it. That's what I'm intimidated by. And therefore, I don't go out and watch it. Now, I went out and watched Dave. Me and Jimmy went to see our friend Jordan. And he was opening for Dave. Or maybe the middle act. Point is, David Attell, one hour of amazing hilarity. I mean, I laughed my ass off.

14:42 Dave Attell Thank you, Adam. What about our recent experience there in New York at the Comedy Central Bar Mitzvah thing?

14:50 Adam We had a lovely time at the 13-year Comedy Central Bar Mitzvah bash in New York that I hosted and Dave performed on a couple of weeks back. And I think it airs in a couple of few weeks. Nothing like hosting a four-hour show.

15:07 Dave Attell Well, you know the motto at Comedy Central. Thirteen years, thirteen laughs.

15:13 Adam Yeah, 13-hour special. And you know, it's something I should have known. Remember, we used to do, you wouldn't do them, but I would go do those, I'd go down to Bakersfield and do one of those band jam things. And it's great because the first band you bring out, say, hey, you know them from Loveline, you know them from The Man Show, it's Adam Carolla. By the time you're bringing out the remaining members of Mahogany Rush, band number 27, people are pissed to see you back out on the stage for the 27th time in the same evening. That's why, like in Oscars, Billy Crystal goes out, does his thing, and then goes away for a while, lets other people come in that they're happy to see him. And then when he pops up again, 20 minutes later, they're happy to see him again.

15:58 Drew You mentioned around 27 the way the Jaeger-Meister bottles came flying at you.

16:03 Adam Yeah, the mini Jaeger Meister bottle from 150 yards back just goes sailing over your head into the drum kit of Third Eye Blind while you're standing there talking to the festival crowd. And you know, it's that weird thing where it's like in your head really quickly, you think, well, I could have killed me. But then your mouth just says, I hear, you know, it doesn't move forward. Dave, what's happening, buddy?

16:27 Dave Attell Nothing. Like I said, I just got back from Japan. I didn't say it, but I'm kind of, you know, whatever it is, jet lagged or whatever.

16:34 Adam What are we doing in Japan?

16:36 Dave Attell We doing an insomniac thing? And this might be up your alley. They had a thing that we saw there. It's called the... I forget the Japanese name, but it's a Rite of Spring. It's a... Yeah, the penis thing for fertility and safe sex. They carry around a gigantic phallus through the streets.

16:56 Adam Is that in Tokyo that they do that?

16:59 Dave Attell Outside. I guess it's near Osaka. It's quite a thing. People go there and it's like all penis all the time and they carry them through the streets. It's like the Stanley Cup, you know, these guys just carrying it around, drinking with it, kissing it, hugging it, taking pictures with it.

17:14 Adam It's a bizarre culture over there. Drew and I have tried to figure it out many times, which is on one hand, it's really, you know, oh, the guy got a B on his calculus, finally kills himself. You know, it's very reverent. There's lots of guys bowing to wearing ties. That's a shame and tie. And the next thing you know, they're grinding up otter gizzard and eating that so they get a boner and they're like eating sushi off a virgin and they're cutting out bear pancreas and grinding up rhino tusks and horns and it's like, it shows what happens, I think, when you button people down a little bit too much. Next thing you know, you got the Penis Festival in Osaka.

17:52 Dave Attell Well, we went to a, I guess what we call the porn station. It's a 24-hour cable porn channel. And it's kind of like a CNN of porn, 24 hours all porn all the time. And the guy told me that there's like a culture of shame there, that they're ashamed to show their bodies. And that's why I like they have this weird thing with pubic hair over there. Do you know that they're not allowed to show pubic hair? In their pornographic material. But you're allowed to defecate on a woman. I don't get it. It's a weird double standard.

18:21 Adam And by the way, this is going to sound marginally racist, but is there a hot Japanese porn star? I know there's Minka, the number one Asian big Korean queen. Yeah. Well, she's Korean, but the porn magazines make it seem like she's Japanese, because it's easier to sort of get your mind around when you're beating off a Korean. What parallel? What are we talking about?

18:41 Dave Attell Usually, they're a mix, like an admiration, some kind of...

18:44 Adam Yeah. And it's like Ron Jeremy pulled out his Mooshu Pork and gave her another shot. You know, the point is, is all the Japanese references work, whereas the Korean stuff, right? She's got a nice kimchi garden in her shorts or something.

19:00 Drew The Mooshu Pork is Chinese food.

19:04 Adam I think they make her Chinese. They make her Chinese.

19:07 Drew We know Mount Fuji is Japanese.

19:08 Adam Well, she's in Mount Fuji. Yeah, okay.

19:11 Drew Screw it all up.

19:12 Adam Well, that's the other thing, too. A good porn connoisseur does not know the difference between Chinese and Japanese. Let me tell you, all the years I barely know is... As I'm finding out tonight. Yeah. All the years I've worked...

19:24 Drew That was the conversation at the beginning of the show? Shut up.

19:28 Adam All the people I worked construction with had no idea. They were just Asians or... They never actually knew the difference between Chinese or Japanese. Yes.

19:39 Dave Attell Well, the real thing hard to tell, but they like this from bar hopping around in Roppongi, which is kind of like the bar area, is the Japanese transsexuals, the trannies. Because you really can't tell, because they do have an androgynous look, and when you're drunk, everyone looks like Lou Diamond Phillips, so it's very hard to just sort things out over there.

20:02 Adam See, I'm trying to think of a culture that works. All the dark skinned cultures, there's going to be tranny problems. You know what I mean? You go to Minnesota, you don't have a problem with transsexuals. You don't get a 350-pound ice fisherman named Leon confused with a hot nubile young chick. But you go to Brazil, you could get burned. Badly. Badly. Badly. Very hot.

20:26 Drew Is there a story there?

20:28 Adam Badly. Very badly burned. No, but just, when the entire country is 137 pounds and 5, 8 and a half and has the same skin tone and sort of modestly breast, there's really, it's going to be tough. And you're boozing?

20:48 Dave Attell Yeah, I was just there too.

20:50 Adam Yeah.

20:50 Dave Attell That's a wild, that's a wild, it is. It's a sex town. I mean, it's a wash with whores. Every guy that comes down there is looking for action. And these things happen, you know?

21:00 Adam Sure, sure.

21:01 Dave Attell So what if you come back and you bang, you know, you bang the train.

21:03 Adam Hey, it's nobody's fault.

21:05 Dave Attell Right, it's carnival. It's nobody's fault.

21:06 Adam It doesn't make you a bad guy.

21:08 Dave Attell It doesn't.

21:08 Adam It does not make you a bad guy. So you today. Let me ask this. I was arguing with this, with Kimmel the other day, which is, I said, a place like Sweden probably has the hottest chicks, but if you're just going for average, you go to South America. You see what I mean? Like, if somebody said, look, you just got to go out in the street and grab a chick, I'll give you ten seconds, you go to Rio. You'll be able to find something suitable to hump very quickly. Whereas Sweden has the hottest chicks, I think, but you got to sort through. You got to get through a lot of efforts to get to the one hot chick. What is the best-looking nation, you think? Do we have... We're like, not...

21:57 Drew The reality is that mixes are probably the best.

21:59 Dave Attell Yeah, it depends on what you look like.

22:01 Adam The highest average, just like, you know, not fat, not a mess, you know.

22:06 Drew You know, somebody was telling me a Czechoslovakia.

22:09 Adam Oh, really?

22:10 Dave Attell Yeah.

22:10 Adam Got to get out that way.

22:11 Drew That's what I've heard. That's just unbelievable.

22:13 Dave Attell That's the best tip.

22:14 Adam What about Rio?

22:15 Dave Attell Rio, I agree with you. They have that Jessica Alba thing going on there. Everybody's some kind of mix, and they have that weird kind of party. There's no stigma to sexuality. It seems down there. Only, you know, here we have a lot of baggage with it. But, uh, Sweden, don't you think it's kind of like an old look? You know, isn't it kind of like a, you know, Farrah Foss?

22:34 Drew Farrah Foss or the mid-70s?

22:35 Dave Attell Yeah, I think now more of the, you know, Vince Diesel kind of many races together into Beautiful.

22:41 Adam Yeah, I'm with you. It's just, what's her name, the playmate of the year from a few years ago?

22:49 Drew Dorothy...

22:50 Adam No, not Dorothy Strand, the one that comes in here from a few years back.

22:53 Drew Victoria Silvstedt.

22:53 Adam Victoria Silvstedt. Yeah, you see her and you'll get back back on with Sweden.

22:58 Dave Attell I heard that Iceland was even better.

22:59 Adam Oh, really?

23:00 Dave Attell Yeah, they're the hottest.

23:01 Adam Well, that's our next stop. We go to Checklist Slovakia, then we go by Rio. I guess they're out in the same place. There's a break over. All right, here we go. Oh, come on. Yeah. You're 18? All right, I don't need to talk to Julio. Oh, time to play Germany or Florida. We'll get back to you in a second, Julio. This is a game that is sweeping the country. I'm sure you've heard of it, Dave. It's called Germany or Florida. All bizarre stories of crime and incest and all the occult and the macabre, they all come from either Germany or Florida. We hear the story and then we have to guess. Germany or Florida? Go ahead, Paul.

23:44 Caller Things are sick and twisted from too much sun and Nazis.

23:46 Sex, women, death, fetishes, both of them have got these.

23:50 Caller Guaranteed not the Borya, Germany or Florida.

23:53 Adam Thank you, Paul. Go ahead.

23:54 Caller All right, hey, um, I got to ask you a couple German or Florida's. A man was arrested on charges of killing his neighbor's 17-year-old dog by place kicking it like a football. The man, 23, was charged with cruelty to animals and vandalism Tuesday in the death of a miniature Yorkshire Terrier. He was freed on bail later. The owner said he was in his house when he saw one of the three men holding the dog like a football and then saw the man kick the animal. The owner said the dog flew through the air in a high arch, hit the pavement, rolled under a parked car. The dog was apparently dead when it hit the ground and there were three men laughing.

24:30 Dave Attell What kind of dog was it?

24:34 Adam Yorkshire Terrier.

24:36 Drew Old people, Yorkshires.

24:38 Adam He should kick like a football.

24:41 Drew That's a point. He would hold a rugby ball or a soccer ball. No place kicking in those four.

24:48 Adam That's what I'm saying.

24:49 Drew American football.

24:51 Adam So what do you think? They rested Lucy too.

24:55 Dave Attell Hitler was a big dog lover. We're going Florida?

25:01 Adam Florida.

25:03 Caller Oh boy, it's Germany.

25:07 Adam Really?

25:07 Dave Attell What part of Germany?

25:10 Adam I like that. Here's the whole thing. We've got to take a little break. I don't like people being cruel to animals, but I'm okay with it. I don't go nuts about it.

25:25 Drew That was pretty over the top.

25:26 Adam Over the top, a dog is 17. It's really like taking a 125-year-old and place-kicking him. If you think of it that way, it's not so bad. Do you know what I'm saying? I like pets, but not as much as I like a lot of stuff. I just think people go nuts for animals. I mean, they're okay.

25:48 You know what I'm saying?

25:50 Adam Have a good time.

25:51 Dave Attell Yeah, but a Yorkshire tour, that can't even put up a fight.

25:55 Adam I'm not saying it's a good thing, but if he got some height on it, it's at least an interesting thing.

26:02 Drew Yeah, but still.

26:04 Adam David Attell is here tonight from Insomniac on Comedy Central. Runs Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday at 9 o'clock and all over the place. And it's got a little DVD out now too with Volume 1 and Volume 2. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

26:23 Hey, everybody, it's Loveline.

26:28 Adam I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Alicia Kupbert is going to be in here tomorrow night. She's the star of The Girl Next Door. She's hot. She has a cleft in her chin. I don't think it makes me gay that I like a woman with a cleft in her chin. Although it's a very masculine feature. It looks nice on a woman. I'm trying to think of what else looks good on a chick that looks good on a guy. But that cleft in the chin is a nice look on a woman. Yes? Not gay. Dave Attell is here tonight. Dave is, well, you know him from Insomniac on Comedy Central. Also going to be doing some live appearances. And that's really where Dave shines. He's great on Insomniac. But if you want to see the Dave Attell that other comedians, the Neil at the garment of, at the hem of his garment. You understand that? And he's a short man, so it's hard to really get down that low. You actually have to go into like a mechanic's pit. That's the ones where they change the oil if you want to get down to Dave's, if you want to get down to the hem. Yeah. Got it? April 9th in Bakersfield. Holy Christ. That's going to be a disaster.

27:38 Drew The Fox Theater.

27:39 Adam Bakersfield. Not a great place.

27:41 Dave Attell Come on, NASCAR.

27:42 Adam April 10th at the Gora Hills Canyon Club. And like I said, I've seen Dave perform and it is nothing short of spectacular.

27:52 Dave Attell You know, Adam, you talk about the cleft chin. Is that what it is?

27:56 Adam Mm-hmm.

27:56 Dave Attell But nobody, it seems like the one thing that a lot of people have that has never really come on to beauty status, the lazy eye. You know? You know, occasional scars sometimes is erotic.

28:10 Adam It can work on a guy. And it's funny how somebody decided a mole was, well, it's a pre-cancerous mole on the cheek. Well, that's hot. I can masturbate to that. Mm-hmm. I could turn into cancer in 40 years or so.

28:22 Dave Attell But a wandering lazy eye.

28:24 Adam Yeah. Yeah.

28:25 Dave Attell Although... To be avoided.

28:27 Adam Once in a while, if there's a smoking hot chick who has a flaw...

28:31 Dave Attell Yeah.

28:32 Adam It doesn't look good, but it's like she's a factory second. She's like a dishwasher that you couldn't afford, but there's a dent in the side of it, and now maybe you could pick it up.

28:41 Dave Attell Like getting a suit in the Philippines. It looks right.

28:44 Adam Right. Or like a Porsche that's been salvaged. Uh-huh. Like this one went into the swamp. It's not quite right, but it's still a Porsche. So once in a while, you do see the smoking hot chick with a weird wandering eye, and you think, well, maybe... Maybe, just maybe, she's flawed enough to be interested. Or maybe her eye doesn't see me.

29:02 Dave Attell That took her down from Fred Durst to you.

29:09 Adam Go ahead, there, Drew. What do you got?

29:10 Drew I saw the girl next door promotion. We will continue to issue two passes to everyone over 17 who gets on the air tonight to see the show out near them. It opens April 9th starring Alicia Kupfer, who we'll have here tomorrow night.

29:21 Adam Yes, and she is hot. She's got that wandering eye. And the clap. Yvonne? You're 16? All right.

29:32 Caller What's up?

29:33 Okay, this is my problem.

29:38 Caller I'm 16, right? Hello? Okay, so I'm wondering, like, if you think that's too young to have, um, sex, like, if you think it could be, yeah?

29:49 Adam Not for our callers, but for everyone else, yeah. Who are you thinking of having sex with?

29:59 Caller This guy, well, I don't know how to put this, but like, I really want to, right? But I really don't.

30:03 Drew Why do you want to?

30:05 Adam By the way, hold on, that's an ex- that's an exclusive domain of women. I really want to, but I really don't. Like, you never hear a guy go, like, I really want this chick, but I really don't want her, I really want this job, but I really don't. Like, that's such chick talk there. This is why, this is, this makes it so difficult.

30:24 Drew What it means to me is they don't really want to.

30:28 Adam Yeah, unless I'm the dude they're talking about, in which case it means she does want to.

30:32 Drew What she wants is to keep the guy. That's what she wants, is what it means to her.

30:36 Oh, I'm sorry, that's not true.

30:38 Dave Attell She has urges.

30:40 Caller It's because, like, okay, when I think of being really in love, like, it seems like you have to become part of that person, right, physically? Hello?

30:50 Adam For, like, ten minutes, then you gotta eat. You become one and then you get off.

30:57 Drew This is what I call a liver fantasy.

30:59 Caller You know.

31:00 Drew So why do you want, well, listen, why do you want to have sex? Try to articulate that. So you have a desire to have an intercourse because you have that urge, a natural desire.

31:10 Caller Yeah. And also because I don't want to be in love so badly. And there's, like, the thought.

31:22 Drew No.

31:39 Caller Yeah, I'm trying to figure out if I should like try again to ask me again and say...

31:43 Adam Wait a minute, hold on a second. I'm just saying, you know he's going to ask you out...

31:47 Drew He already did...

31:48 Adam .again, hopefully. He's resilient. And you know you're attracted to him, so why don't you just go out with him, say yes, and go out with him? And begin a dating relationship. No.

32:04 Caller I should keep my virginity.

32:06 Drew For a while.

32:07 Adam Yeah.

32:07 Drew So you're sure you've got a relationship?

32:08 Adam Over and under on her virginity is noon tomorrow, by the way.

32:12 Drew As I said, tied all in with your desire to have sex is this desire to have a relationship and be in love. Trust me, this guy's desire is to have sex only. And he may, and he may... It is true. And he may walk away...

32:26 Caller But weren't you in love when you were younger and just wanted to be with a girl?

32:28 Dave Attell You weren't?

32:29 Adam He was in love with about 30 candy stripers at once when he was in the USC.

32:33 Drew The fact is though you first have to establish the relationship. If you think it's, that if he has sex with you, that somehow he's going to have the same experience and the same motivations as you, that's wrong. It's not going to be true.

32:44 Adam She's going to explode with passion this one.

32:47 Dave Attell What's your name, Miss?

32:48 Adam She's uh... What's in the cave out there, Yvonne?

32:51 Dave Attell Yvonne, listen, this is not an episode of the OC all right? This is the real world.

32:54 Adam That's right, relax.

32:55 Dave Attell It's not going to be love and slo-mo and you know, all that kind of stuff. It's going to be like, have you ever been to the zoo? Like two chimps going at it. So, honey, don't get too...

33:07 Caller Have you ever heard of regae glaceus?

33:10 Adam Yes. And by the way, this could be... This is one of those chicks that kind of could freak out. It's like your hand slips down her panties and she goes... And it's like, you're thinking, I'm glad she likes it, but there's a point to which she should like it. Now, once they pass that, it becomes creepy.

33:32 Drew Because it's not real. It's just some sort of weird fantasy.

33:34 Adam It is whatever it is. Yeah, maybe it isn't real, but whatever it is, it freaks you out. So, like, you want to keep going, but on the other hand...

33:42 Drew You don't want to keep going because you know you're not that.

33:46 Adam No.

33:46 Drew You're not the Prince Charming that she seems to be imagining you to be. You're some guy stropping around.

33:51 Adam I'm just talking about the crazy chick when you touch her.

33:53 Dave Attell Is this wrong to ask, but, Alicia, how far have you gone with a boy?

34:00 Adam Wait a minute, that's Yvonne. Alicia's coming in tonight. But I'll ask her what face she's gotten to.

34:04 Dave Attell Sorry.

34:05 Caller Yvonne's given to any base ever. I'm scared to hold hands.

34:08 Dave Attell So then there you go. You got to build up to it.

34:10 Adam All right, just take it slow. It's okay to kiss the guy. Kiss the guy. All right. Hold him.

34:17 Drew Fantastic.

34:17 Dave Attell Touch him. That's it.

34:18 Adam That's right.

34:19 Dave Attell Don't give him the whole store.

34:22 Adam Give him something to work toward. Eric? Hey, what's up? You're 17? Yeah.

34:28 Drew Eric, before you go on, one more word of advice to Yvonne. Say no. Not going to be interpreted as a good thing by these guys.

34:35 Adam What do you mean?

34:35 Drew You know what I mean? I'll have to make him play a game or pursue a big thing. No, no, no. Cut it out.

34:41 Adam Oh, you mean he already asked her out and she said no?

34:44 Drew That was a bad move. Hopefully, he'll be resilient as Adam said and he'll be back.

34:49 Adam I'm trying to think. I'll open it to Dave and Drew. Have you ever asked a girl out for a second time that shut you down?

34:55 Drew No.

34:56 Adam Now, no, me neither. Dave, have you?

35:00 Dave Attell No, but then stalking kicks in, so there you go.

35:03 Adam Right. It's always that. Dave will often stalk initially and then move on to asking out.

35:09 Dave Attell Well, then it seems like we have a lot more in common. I know what she does every day at 3.15.

35:12 Adam He knows her schedule. She's been masturbating to her diary feverishly when she stole from her apartment. But here's the thing, too. Now, you can ask your girl out, go out for a few dates. Then she says no fifth date. Then you'll try to talk her into it. But if you don't even get the first one off, you're not going to ask again. 17.

35:35 Caller First of all, love you, Adam. If I was gay, I'd have wet dreams about you, but nah.

35:40 Adam You know, no one judges in Dream World, by the way. You do what you want to me.

35:45 Caller First of all, I have an impression for you, Adam. You might love it.

35:50 Adam I might love it, and Drew may turn into a centaur.

35:56 Caller Here it goes. What the hell was that?

35:59 Adam Wait a minute. The phone dropped down. Go ahead.

36:02 Caller What the hell was that?

36:04 Adam Okay. Who was that?

36:06 Caller Peter. Peter Griffin.

36:08 Adam Oh, it was Peter Griffin from The Family Guy.

36:09 Caller What?

36:10 Adam Yeah. That was a great impression, but it's always bad when the person has to ask who the impression was.

36:16 Drew This was long ago. We need orientation.

36:18 Adam Okay. So, Eric, hang on. Drew decided we don't want to talk to you. That's the way I'm going to say it now when I hang up on people, all right? Just a question for Dave over here. John?

36:30 Yeah.

36:31 Adam 17?

36:32 Dave Attell Hey, what's up, man?

36:32 How are you doing? Big fan. As often as I can. I wanted to know how you started as a stand-up comedian, or as a comedian.

36:44 Adam Who's this, Mitch Hedberg?

36:46 Dave Attell Well, what's your name? I'm sorry, I keep getting the names wrong. I'm not used to this kind of calling. You know what? Yeah, do you have an iPod?

36:57 Adam It was sketched. You write the person's name down.

37:05 Dave Attell John, I started pretty much like 80% of the other comics, which is they tried doing other things. Yeah, exactly. We weren't good at anything else and we just started doing open mics and the years passed, the alcohol kicks in, bitterness shows up and next thing you know you're sitting here on a call-in show. But yeah, I went to college, I did all that kind of stuff and I started in New York and I've been doing it about 17 years. Are you interested in being a comic? Really?

37:32 Adam You got any jokes for us? No, I'm not.

37:35 Drew Judging by John, I think you would say he'd need to be a comic or an auctioneer. Just that quality of voice.

37:39 Dave Attell Yeah, it's the gift for GAM. Well, John, where do you live? San Jose, so go to your local club on open mic night and just try it out, man. That's all you can really do if you're interested in serious.

37:54 One more question for Dr. Drew. Yeah, I heard like earlier a long time ago there was a guest that said something about like injecting booze so you don't have to drink it.

38:07 Drew Yeah, it was Nicky Six.

38:09 Adam Yeah, most of the Motley Crue's main line Jack Daniels.

38:15 Caller Like, what's bad about that?

38:18 Drew It should kill you. That's bad about it.

38:20 Adam That's bad about it.

38:21 Drew You're putting non-sterile substance directly into your vein. It will stick to your heart valves, cause abscesses, it's bad times.

38:28 Adam John, write that one down. You can open with that one.

38:31 Dave Attell John, you're already thinking like a comic. What's wrong with being an alcoholic who injects alcohol?

38:35 Drew Are you a drug addict?

38:37 Caller No, no, no. Pepper Richa. Thank you.

38:45 Drew Thanks.

38:48 Adam The open mic is a great experience for the guy, the bitter comic, who yells at all the people. He's like, look, at two and a half minutes, I hit you with the flashlight beam, that means wrap it up. And that doesn't mean wrap it up, but a long winded tail. That means wrap it up with a joke. And then sometimes they get in a commentary, and it'd be nice to say something funny. You know, like, they'll even, like, give me a little, it wouldn't call it constructive criticism, I just call it plain criticism. It's just like, and don't, and once in a while they do that, and nobody wants to hear about wow, the guy's constructing my entire act, but they'll do it, they'll go, we'll shoot the light on it, we hit you with the flashlight, you got 30 seconds, wrap it up. You don't wrap it up, we'll shut the mic. You don't wrap it up, after we shut the mic, we'll attack you with the mic stamp. That doesn't work, we'll put an M-80 up your ass and blow you up in front of the crowd. This is great, this sounds like fun, I'm glad I invited my friends out, this is going to be great. Alright, so you got the number, you'll be 147, it's 5.30 now, you'll be going on at 7.30, but Thursday, today's Tuesday, so you've got about 55 hours for you have to do anything, but you can't leave the club. Oh, it's good times this, open mics. And then, there's nobody in the audience except for other comedians who are waiting to get on. Because who the hell goes to a comedy club at 6.45 in the evening? Now later on, at 10 o'clock, the place will be filled up with people who want to see comedy, but no one goes to see the open mics, so there's just a bunch of jealous, bitter, vindictive comics out there who would be god damn if they're going to laugh at anything you say. Alright, it's a good business though. David, that's it, right? You did, yeah. David Attell here tonight. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

40:53 Caller There, buddy, it's Loveline.

40:54 Adam Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dave Attell, the world's funniest stand-up is here tonight. No, that is true.

41:03 Caller All right, it's true.

41:06 Adam I, as a handful of guys I like, I like Mitch Hanford.

41:09 Dave Attell Yeah, I just work with him.

41:11 Adam Yeah, he's great. I think he got a little screwed up on drugs or something, but...

41:15 Dave Attell Yeah, he had some, you know, that's one of the pitfalls of comedy, of course, is the, you know, self-destructiveness. It's very hard to avoid the alcohol and of course drug use. Later on, coke, when you can afford it.

41:28 Adam Yeah, when you can afford it. And by the way, I've said this to Drew, I gotta get into coke because really, when I was doing coke, an eight ball was like 350 bucks. And these kids call and they're like, yeah, I scored an eight ball, it's like $80. And I'm like, I gotta get into it now because now I make so much more money than I did before and coke is so cheap. You understand, it's like, it'd be like, you know.

41:53 Dave Attell But now you're too busy to do hardcore drugs, you know.

41:55 Adam I think you can always find time.

41:57 Dave Attell No, I don't know, I think that like for myself, that's the one thing that keeps me from being a total drug addict, which is I got something to do tomorrow early. Right. Whereas in years past, it'd be like, I can kill three days, do you have any kind of hallucinogenic drug? Right. I have time for acid or something.

42:16 Adam It is true, you are asking college students to do drugs by giving them like three and a half months off. Everyone needs a Monday rolling around, a sort of sober reminder to get up, the alarm's going to go off, you got to get going. When you say, look, it's late May, we'll see you middle of September, let's do the mushrooms. You are sort of, they shouldn't have that much time off, Drew.

42:40 Caller I'm with you.

42:42 Adam They should do like every third day or something or fourth day and just do it that way. What do you think of all around that year-round school?

42:48 Drew I get summer school with my kids.

42:49 Dave Attell Unless they have to help with the planting and harvesting.

42:51 Drew It's like a plantation.

42:53 Adam Julio.

42:57 Drew Yeah.

42:58 Adam Speaking of harvesting, what's up there, Julio?

43:00 Caller I have a question. I've been seeing this girl for about two years. And the thing about it is, it's my brother's wife. I've been sleeping with my brother's wife for about two years.

43:17 How old is she?

43:19 Caller She's 25.

43:27 Adam Yeah, that's what I'm saying. How old is your brother?

43:30 Caller My brother's like 30.

43:31 Drew He's like 30. He's like 30. You know how old your brother is?

43:38 Adam He's like 30. Do you have nieces and nephews?

43:41 Caller I have one nephew.

43:44 Adam You getting him too, or? Is he waiting for him to ripen just a little bit?

43:49 Caller Yeah.

43:50 Adam And this has been going on for two years? Since you were 16?

43:57 Caller Yeah.

43:59 Adam Well.

44:00 Caller It started when I was working with them. I worked with them and that's how it started.

44:04 Adam And you guys have worked and it worked.

44:05 Drew What kind of work are you doing?

44:06 Adam Oh, we're gonna guess.

44:08 Caller We worked at a retirement center.

44:11 Adam Retirement center.

44:11 Drew What were you doing there?

44:12 Adam He was in charge of Jella.

44:16 Caller I was a dietary aide and she was a prep cook.

44:20 Adam Let me explain dietary aide. You see that sack of potatoes here? Why don't you get them down? Dietary aide.

44:27 Drew So let's hear a little more about it.

44:28 Adam Hey, one of the geezers vomited. Why don't you get that there?

44:32 Dietary aide.

44:34 Drew Is she a drug addict, Julio? Alcoholic? Why would a 23-year-old be having sex with a 16-year-old, especially a family member?

44:46 Adam All right. Okay, hold on a second. Stop asking Julio questions. He's got to focus on time. What do you think of this whole Atkins thing, by the way, Julio?

44:56 Caller What do you mean?

44:58 Adam Healthy? Healthy or should we just, moderation mixed with exercise?

45:03 Drew The South Beach.

45:10 Adam Anyway, you've been having sex with her since 16. How often do you have sex with her?

45:17 Caller I don't know, but I mean, almost every day.

45:21 Drew At work?

45:21 Caller It's like, no, I quit my job, like a year and a half ago. She comes over almost every day to my house.

45:30 Adam Almost every day.

45:31 Drew Your house, you live by yourself?

45:33 Caller No, I live with my parents.

45:35 Drew Where are your parents when she comes over?

45:38 Caller What?

45:38 Adam Their work.

45:39 Drew Where are your parents when she comes over?

45:40 Caller Actually, well, they both come over and we just sneak away.

45:45 Adam They both come over?

45:48 Caller They're my brother's wife. I mean, they're always over here.

45:51 Dave Attell So when your brother's in the other room, you quickly have sex with her, like a threes company?

45:55 Caller Yeah, like a little quickie. I mean, it all depends.

46:00 Adam No. Well, wait a minute, I kind of believe it. Now, what do you use for protection? What if you get her pregnant?

46:05 Caller You know what, she'd been pregnant, like, well, I don't know, five, six times for me. And she did have surgery, so she does have a strong uterus.

46:16 Adam Oh, I'd like to find a chick with a trick uterus.

46:20 Dave Attell And her dietary knowledge. What more do you need?

46:22 Adam Shut up, shut up.

46:23 Dave Attell Can't you get more fiber and build up the uteri?

46:27 Adam Well, Julio's her man. What do you think of that Atkins?

46:30 Drew I don't think he could have thought that one up.

46:32 Adam Oh, Julio?

46:34 Drew No.

46:34 Adam Julio's been putting hoagies in blenders for the last two years. He doesn't know anything. He's deaf.

46:40 Drew All right, we gotta take a break.

46:41 Adam We gotta take a break with Julio.

46:42 Drew We gotta get back to Julio.

46:43 Adam No, because we have struck a Patered. A vein of crap that we're gonna turn into gold.

46:51 Drew I don't know about gold.

46:52 Adam Dave Attell here. Julio, hang tight. We'll get to the bottom of this after this.

46:57 Alright guys, here's the deal.

46:59 Caller You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

47:02 Caller One call is all you need to make.

47:04 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:05 877-889-DATE.

47:07 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:47 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Alicia Cutbert is gonna be in here tomorrow night, the hottie with the cleft in her chin, from The Girl Next Door. Dave Attell in tonight from Comedy Central's Insomniac, and one of the hottest stand-up comedians working today. Well, I don't know if you wanna call him hot, but funniest.

48:09 Dave Attell I do the job.

48:10 Adam He does the job, he gets the job done. And how you can put together an hour worth of material is beyond me. Just remember it. I mean, how does that work? How much does the set vary from night to night?

48:28 Dave Attell Well, I like to keep it loose, but it seems that I just, whatever it was, last fall or whatever, I was on tour with Lewis Black, and he's a great comic. You might know him from The Daily Show. He's very political and emotional and everything, and he had a really great act. I think he's doing an HBO hour, should be out sometime in the next couple months. So you can really see what an hour looks like of standup. And for me, I'm more of a joke teller, you know, like one joke at a time, and that's how you kind of build an hour. You just get jokes, and if they have to do it the same thing, then you try and connect them into a bit, or a hunk, or a chunk, whatever you call it. And before you know it, you got to, you know, hour stuff.

49:10 Adam How many jokes do you think you tell? Do you have any idea?

49:14 Dave Attell How many are good?

49:15 Adam Well, no, I know that answer, but in an hour, do you tell 33 jokes? How many, you know, and I know you don't quantify it that way, but do you have a ballpark estimate?

49:29 Dave Attell I don't know, I guess it would be coming up on 100, because my stuff is pretty short, you know, I try and get to it quickly. That's kind of a New York thing, where you get to the punchline, because people are usually screaming, you suck, and you get off, so you try and get to the funny as quick as you can. Out here, people are a little bit more laid back, you have more time, but I'd say around 100, you know, around 100 jokes, give or take a, you know, midget thing here and there.

49:52 Adam Drew, you're in your life, what are you up to?

49:57 Drew 22, 23 jokes? We're up in the 20s, yeah.

50:00 Adam Yeah, Drew, so it's been a lifetime.

50:02 Drew They weren't funny, though.

50:04 Dave Attell No, they're ironic.

50:06 Adam Yeah, but you're a doctor, so it's funny.

50:08 Drew Sorry, you lowered the bar for me.

50:10 Adam Yeah, it's like when these retired ball players go up into the booth and-

50:14 Drew It's more like the Special Olympics, really.

50:15 Adam The funniest guy. They should have, oh, they should have stand-up for the Special Olympics.

50:21 Dave Attell Wow, that'd be great.

50:22 Adam Yeah, it'd be like, what's-her-name's friend on Facts of Life. Yeah, Blair. Yeah, Blair's friend, she had that retarded friend that told jokes. You don't see much of that anymore, but it's always funny.

50:36 Dave Attell Well, occasionally you'll catch a comic with like a palsied hand or just some kind of weird oddity where you see that humor has been how they've handled it and how the rest of us awkwardly have to kind of deal with it, but it tracks all types.

50:51 Adam Yeah, well, it takes all kinds. Yeah, there's no doubt about that.

50:55 Drew A lot of lazy-eyed guys.

50:56 Adam Yeah. Julio, back to the saga known as Julio.

51:01 Drew You've been dating, you've been sleeping daily with your brother's wife, pregnant multiple times, yet she's had a spontaneous abortion or miscarriage.

51:09 Adam Spastic uterus. Kid never made it.

51:11 Drew Incompetent cervix, they call it.

51:13 Adam Mm-hmm.

51:13 Drew And you're continuing to carry on this way with this nutball.

51:24 Adam You'd leave her? Well, it's hard to leave people that are married, if you don't think about it.

51:30 Caller Well, I'm in love with her. I know, I know, I know, yeah. But...

51:35 Drew Why don't you sacrifice that for the sort of well-being of your entire family? Stop doing this.

51:41 Adam It does kind of make you wonder what kind of gal she might be and secondly, what kind of mother she may be to her child.

51:48 Drew How old's the nephew?

51:53 Dave Attell Do you hate your brother, I mean, to do that to your brother?

51:56 Caller You know what?

51:57 Dave Attell Did he not let you play with stuff or something and now you need to be with everything he has?

52:01 Caller No, it wasn't like that.

52:03 Caller I just got the years on by. I mean, I used to like when I was small and I don't know how many years he got with her and I mean, I hated him for that.

52:12 Dave Attell Oh, you was with her before they got married or?

52:15 Caller No, no, I wasn't. I wanted to, I was really small and I wanted her but I never got her and I hated him for getting her.

52:23 Adam I see. Dave, by the way, Dave's like almost every guy I talk to behind a counter.

52:28 Caller Julio, you mean?

52:29 Adam I mean, Julio, sorry, Dave.

52:30 Dave Attell But there's a bit of Dave in here.

52:31 Adam Yeah, well, the attitude is Dave but the vocabulary is more Julio, like I never know what they're talking about. Okay, so what's the answer? Stop it.

52:39 Drew Stop it.

52:40 Adam Can you please stop it?

52:41 Drew Absolutely Julio, stop it but.

52:42 Adam And this is gonna blow up and I'm just from, I may be jumping to conclusions but Julio seems like he comes from the kind of family that if the brother found out, he would stab him with a sprinkler key moments after he found out. Gun play on the lawn.

52:57 Drew And Julio only starts to make sense to me if he's got sort of a psychotic process about him, like if he hears voices and things. It just doesn't, he's not really connected.

53:05 Adam Yeah, I think the most dangerous voice Julio could hear would be his own at this point. If he heard someone else's, it would probably be a help. Julio? Okay, so we're asking you to stop because this thing's gonna blow up. You will get popped.

53:22 Drew Do you have any other medical problems, Julio?

53:24 Caller No, I don't.

53:25 Drew You ever been in a hospital for any reason?

53:28 Caller No, I just broke my knee, but that was it.

53:30 Drew Yeah, no mental hospital stuff.

53:34 Adam It doesn't mean he didn't need it.

53:35 Dave Attell What would you think if you were in your brother's place and you just found out your brother was banging your wife for how long?

53:41 Drew Two years.

53:42 Dave Attell Two years?

53:43 Caller What would you do?

53:45 Dave Attell What would you think if he came to you and said that? He'd be more than pissed off. You'd hate him.

53:55 Drew And if he does find out, putting something together, did he do something to you when you were growing up?

54:00 Adam Not sexually? Is that what you're saying, Drew? No. Let's not listen, Kreskin. Who cares?

54:07 Drew Because of what kind of guy would marry that kind of woman? And what kind of situation would create Julio's hatred for his brother?

54:14 Adam Listen, I'm just, I'm gonna send her incompetent uterus a windbreaker. Because I really, that's the hero of the whole story. If there's any light at the end of the Julio tunnel, it's her incompetent uterus. Yes, Drew?

54:29 Drew Absolutely.

54:30 Adam Because otherwise, they'd have 30 kids and no one would know it. And by the way, well, let's see, DNA. No, they'd have to be twins for the DNA to match up. They could do a DNA test. But the kid would all look like the brother, obviously, who comes from the same place Julio does. All right, let's just stop it. And if she does, if he does ever find out, don't say two years, say 18 months. Softens the blow just a little bit. Eric?

54:56 Caller Yeah, sorry about that, wasting your time, guys. I'll answer my question.

55:00 Adam Go ahead.

55:01 Caller I have a girlfriend and she's a little loose for my taste and we haven't done nothing and she says she hasn't done nothing or she doesn't masturbate. And she goes, oh, it's my gynecologist. He does like these tests for one of them where he has a little plastic thing and he puts it in there and opens it up and takes wipes or something like that.

55:17 Drew Yeah, it's called a pelvic exam, Eric. That's what every woman gets.

55:20 Adam Eric wasn't born yesterday, come on.

55:23 Drew Yeah.

55:24 Caller So that would happen for young girls.

55:28 Drew Every woman gets that every year.

55:31 Adam What are you getting at, Eric?

55:32 Caller No, but like, I don't know, can a gynecologist make some girl that loose? Like my hands are pretty big and I can almost fit my whole fist in there.

55:39 Adam No way. Shut up. Bogus. All right, listen, put your fist in your mouth, would you? But don't do it slowly. Have it get a running start at your mouth before it goes in, all right? Yes. Well, open your mouth wide enough, you'll be fine.

55:58 Dave Attell So.

55:59 Adam All right, listen, he's a jackass.

56:01 Dave Attell I don't get it. So he's upset that she's bogus.

56:04 Adam That's a bogus call. But we do have plenty of stupid guys who think that the woman is cheating or not a virgin because she's not tight enough down there.

56:14 Dave Attell Oh, for his taste.

56:15 Drew For his taste, exactly. Right, which is ridiculous. Right, right.

56:18 Dave Attell That wouldn't be Michael Jackson's taste, right? Not that tight.

56:22 Drew No, different type, different area.

56:24 Adam Mandy?

56:26 Dave Attell Hello.

56:27 Adam Mandy, you're 18. What's up?

56:32 Caller Okay, I was going out with this guy for like a year and we got into the rough sex thing. And we got into ex-sixiation, where he choked me. Now, we broke up. Now I'm with this new guy and I can't orgasm unless I'm choked.

56:52 Adam Mm-hmm. And you don't want to tell him to do it?

56:56 Caller Well, I've talked to him about it, but he doesn't feel comfortable doing it because he feels that he can hurt me.

57:01 Drew You don't believe that he can?

57:04 Caller Well, I mean, I know that he can, but I know my limits also.

57:09 Adam Yeah.

57:09 Drew What are your limits? Yeah, how do you know what your limits are when you're unconscious? Well, she has a...

57:17 Caller It's just almost to that point, and then it's...

57:20 Adam See, they have a safe word. It's, it's... That's a safe word.

57:25 Drew You understand, part of the problem is that the blood supply to the brain gets cut off when you hold the carotids down and you can go out and be dead in seconds.

57:33 Adam You a real doctor? Just a love doctor.

57:35 Drew Right there. Right, Mandy? That's how people die. People die of this. I've seen many patients die of this.

57:43 Adam Yes.

57:43 Drew Many, many.

57:45 Caller Okay, so how do I get out of not doing it anymore then?

57:49 Drew Just focus on other means of being close and having... Were you abused or something? Is that in your past?

57:55 Caller No.

57:56 Drew Nothing? You have no, no one hit you? He just stumbled. Did they, did they hit you with an object?

58:05 Caller No.

58:06 Drew And did they do this often?

58:09 Caller Only when I was bad.

58:10 Drew Did they do this often?

58:14 Caller No, I wasn't, I wasn't a bad kid. I went to private school and they spanked us.

58:20 Adam Ah ha.

58:20 Caller They spanked you at school?

58:22 Caller With, you know, those paddles.

58:26 Adam She's 18.

58:27 Caller I mean, this is...

58:29 Drew She's only 78, I expect her to be like 78 or something.

58:32 Adam She went to private school in 2001, you know?

58:36 Caller No, it was more like kindergarten through like third grade.

58:39 Drew That's incredible.

58:41 Adam Still, that was like 1996.

58:43 Drew That's against the law.

58:44 Caller No, it's not because the parents signed a waiver.

58:47 Drew It's against the law, Mandy. Waiver or not, you can't do that. In fact, I was thinking the other day, you know how...

58:52 Adam My dad used to ask for that waiver and then say, no, man, I'm just growing up.

58:56 Drew It's interesting how kids, physical abuse has such a profound effect on kids' development and how parents go, well, I do that with my kids. It's just discipline, all this kind of crap. Then I think to myself, really, would you walk down the street and you smack a kid who just a little out of line? You smack somebody else's kid or some kid who's standing in line, you smack them, that's okay? No, only your own kids. It's so bizarre. It's so ridiculous. So Mandy, yes, that's where some of this need for the high arousal comes from.

59:22 Adam But here's the thing, and tell me what you think of this. I feel like she's 18. The last guy she was with was the Boston Strangler. And if she keeps going down this road pretty soon, she's gonna be hanging in a clown outfit. She needs to, now you've come to a crossroads. You were the steady guy who doesn't wanna choke the life out of you while he's banging the bejesus out of you. How about you just go down his path and not get choked?

59:53 Caller But it's, I don't get anything out of it.

59:56 Adam You get nothing?

59:57 Caller There's a point right now where I don't even wanna have sex with him because I don't get anything out of it.

1:00:02 Adam What about oral sex?

1:00:04 Caller I don't, I don't get off on oral sex.

1:00:07 Dave Attell How about anal?

1:00:09 Caller I've never tried that.

1:00:10 Dave Attell Oh, so you'll be choked to death but you won't take the trip up the Hershey. Well, there we go, it's rough sex play. Okay, but you're allowed to be strangled. Now come on already.

1:00:20 Adam That's a tall order is a 69 strangling. You ever do that Drew? I have to use my feet to strangle the woman.

1:00:28 Dave Attell That's like a James Bond.

1:00:29 Adam 69 strangling.

1:00:31 Drew Well, no, you take it. You take a noose and you.

1:00:34 Adam I do that. Mandy, there's something screwed up about you, baby doll.

1:00:41 Drew Really? Very, very seriously, Mandy.

1:00:43 Adam And here's what we're asking. Here's what we're asking. We're asking all of you to do this. Instead of being screwed up and saying, hey, but that's my thing, how about saying, hey, you're screwed up.

1:00:54 Drew Better do something about it.

1:00:55 Adam Maybe there's an opportunity to stop this. I mean, like anything, like if you're doing heroin, it's not, hey, that's my thing. No, you're a junkie and you should probably quit.

1:01:03 Drew That's right.

1:01:03 Adam If you wanna aff five-year-old boys, it's not, hey, that's my thing. No, you better stop.

1:01:09 Drew And the same is true with this before you expire, which could happen easily.

1:01:13 Adam Right.

1:01:14 Drew You need to, any fetish, for that matter, really is just primarily to create profound levels of arousal because you've had those arousal systems burned out or unwired by the extreme abuse or the misfortune experiences in childhood and also to distance yourself from the other person. You notice how you're seeing, she's so angry and demeaning and the guy, because God forbid, he's trying to be intimate with you.

1:01:36 Adam And then think about the poor guy, too. He kills you. And then it's that scene from a movie where it's like, should I call the cops? They'll never believe me. I got a couple of priors. I got a barrier in a shallow grave, you know? Then the cops come sniffing around and they find your scarf on the nightstand. And they always suspect. The next thing you know, they end up digging. Now the guy's doing hard time. And then what happens in court is, your parents have to show up because they want this guy put away forever. And then the details start coming out. She told me that unless I was finger blasting her and strangling her, that she, and then the parents just are tearing up. And it's like, she begged me to do it to her. She wanted me to call her a slut and flog her with my penis. Your mom is now broken down into tears. Your dad's got a shotgun in his mouth.

1:02:28 Dave Attell And who is the only winner? Ed Harris. He gets to play your dad in the movie.

1:02:32 Adam Yeah, when they do the movie.

1:02:33 Dave Attell So if you want to give Ed Harris work, then you just keep it going, girl.

1:02:35 Adam That's right. That's right. Bill, that's how Ed gets his work, bro. And Jeremy Piven will get work, too. Not because of the type, not because of the brand. It's just he's in every other movie.

1:02:50 Caller So there's a 50, 50, 50 shot.

1:02:52 Adam He's going to be in this production, too. Bill.

1:02:55 Yeah.

1:02:56 Adam You're 23.

1:02:57 Caller I got a question for David.

1:02:59 Adam Here he is.

1:03:01 Caller Yeah, you did a bit a while ago about you rode around, I think, was with Miami Sheriff SWAT team.

1:03:09 Dave Attell Yes, sir.

1:03:10 Caller And you guys were shooting groundhogs.

1:03:13 Dave Attell Nutria. That's what they call them.

1:03:15 Adam Oh, Nutria.

1:03:16 Drew Is it for rats?

1:03:17 Dave Attell They're a rat out of South America that have been brought to the States and they're in the South. Yeah, Louisiana.

1:03:24 Adam Yeah.

1:03:24 Dave Attell They get into the hole, you know, screwing stuff up.

1:03:28 Caller Did you guys catch any flak for that?

1:03:31 Dave Attell No, you know what? We did that before this whole 9-11 thing and we got some stuff from PETA, I guess, because we did actually shoot rats. So if that's what you're saying for flak, but I don't really care. I mean, it's something the police do.

1:03:44 Adam So the Nutria.

1:03:46 Drew They pay them for it.

1:03:48 Adam Yeah, they pay them like a bucket head or something.

1:03:50 Dave Attell Well, what they did originally was set poison like for rats, like in New York City in the subways, they'll throw down some poison, but dogs and cats were eating it and whatever native of animals. So they said this is the best way to take it out. And it was cool that they let us hang with them.

1:04:07 Adam And the thing about the Nutria, by the way, which is just a creepy name because it seems it sounds like a diet shake. But I had the entire Nutria discussion with two guys last night at dinner. I guess the guy, and Dave probably knows more than I do, but he stopped me if I'm wrong. But I think the Tabasco guy brought Nutria in around, I don't know, the early 19-somethings to he was going to harvest their fur and make coats or whatever out of them. And then a big typhoon or something blew through, hurricane blew through, knocked over all the cages and all the Nutria got loose and then just started multiplying out in the wilderness. And now you got this species that I don't know where it's from, but I know it's not Holland. It's always from Africa or South America. Yeah, South America, Africa, by the way, is that all we need to know about those two continents, by the way? All the evil vermin come from there, the bees, everything's bad that comes out, it all gets over here. Yeah, everything's a killer over there, by the way, it's like Florida, like everything is big and mean and venomous and stuff like, like you got a snake that comes from California. That's fine. That's just a garden snake. You get one that comes from Africa or South America, it'll kill your family.

1:05:29 Drew It'll spit stuff at you, it kills you.

1:05:30 Adam Yeah, it shoots in the eye, blinds you, then it rakes you, then it kills you.

1:05:34 Drew Was it about south of the equator that makes all that happen, you know what I mean?

1:05:38 Dave Attell Stuff gets like big and mean.

1:05:39 Drew Yeah, but why not? It's just the same distance, just one south, one north, what difference does it make?

1:05:44 Adam I don't know. I believe God had a plan that had to do with the equator or he wouldn't have invented the equator.

1:05:50 Dave Attell And it makes you feel like the cougar, which is a big thing, you know, like, oh, the cougar is going to tell you, at least it doesn't crawl up your urethra and, you know, right, get into your brain and make you go insane, you know?

1:06:01 Adam Right. Everything is just big and scary and evil. And they get over here on some cargo ship or some entrepreneur brings them over and then they breed them. And then the next, you know, we got a bunch of slack jaw guys just shooting at them. But you could spend a worse night than going out and shooting at Nutria.

1:06:18 Dave Attell It was fun. I really did feel like I was doing something.

1:06:21 Adam Did they respond to the light or how do you?

1:06:24 Dave Attell They have a guy. What they do is you get on the back of a flatbed truck and they use, I guess, 22s and it's the SWAT team. So they know how to shoot, you know, and they're using like a low powered, you know, I guess weapon. So it's not going to go everywhere. Yeah, it's not going to go ricocheting around. And they go around through the levies and the dikes and they they do like one man mans the flashlight and the other guys the shooter. So it's cool seeing the whole, you know, you know, take them out kind of thing.

1:06:47 Adam And how big are they? They look like big rats or what they look like?

1:06:51 Dave Attell Yeah, they're probably like 40, 50 pounds. And they might carry leprosy.

1:06:56 Adam 40, 50 pounds?

1:06:58 Dave Attell Yeah, they're big. They're huge. Yeah, they eat, I guess they're, what is it? They eat everything.

1:07:04 Adam Omnivores.

1:07:05 Dave Attell Omnivores. So they, you know, they eat everything. They're garbage, you know. Yeah, they stink.

1:07:12 Adam Wow. Drew, great radio, by the way. Yay? Yay, big? No, smaller.

1:07:15 Caller Yay? Yeah, yeah.

1:07:17 Adam True. Does anyone know what yay is?

1:07:18 Drew I would have just, just I'll describe it to them if they like to hear.

1:07:21 Adam Drew is, when he says yay.

1:07:23 Drew It's like three feet across.

1:07:25 Caller Yeah.

1:07:25 Adam Yeah, he's, that's a little less, but a medium sized dog. Yes?

1:07:29 Caller Yeah.

1:07:29 Adam Yay. Okay.

1:07:30 Dave Attell But I don't think we could do it now because of the whole terror and, you know, everything is security.

1:07:35 Adam We need the SWAT team.

1:07:36 Dave Attell You need the SWAT team watching the airports.

1:07:38 Adam It's got to be bad yet because you got a hostage situation in town and these guys are all drinking at the bar.

1:07:44 Drew Maybe the Nutrients solve our terrorist problems.

1:07:48 Adam Yeah.

1:07:48 Dave Attell Couple of flatbeds with the.

1:07:50 Adam You know what we need to do?

1:07:51 Drew Dump some Nutri over there.

1:07:51 Adam If you do with some of these countries is start exporting some of our crappy things over there. You know what I mean? Let them.

1:07:58 Dave Attell I'm for that.

1:07:58 Adam Because I swear to you, I think everything that's bad that's on this soil was brought in from somewhere. And so here are the choices, Africa, Mexico, South America, it's all anything. Here's what we had before this, butterflies. That's all we had, hummingbirds and butterflies, the bald eagles. We had kittens. They never even matured to full cats. We had kittens, hummingbirds and butterflies and yes, bald eagles. That's all we had. And then the scorpions and the roaches and the venomous snakes and the nutria, they all came in from other countries. This is why we need that fence I've been talking about for a long time. All right, David, not our David, this David, David, you're 17.

1:08:38 Caller Yeah. Yeah, I'm 17.

1:08:41 Drew Oh, man, are you high?

1:08:42 Adam What is it? It's it's it's night of the hessier.

1:08:45 Drew Yeah.

1:08:46 Adam What's the matter? You smoke a lot of weed?

1:08:48 Caller No, a lot of people pass it off that I smoke a lot of weed. But I don't smoke weed.

1:08:54 Drew You had a head injury?

1:08:56 Caller No.

1:08:59 Adam Well, it's time to either start smoking weed or hit yourself in the head with something or go ahead and speak up. Put it together, buddy. What's going on?

1:09:08 Caller Well, like I've been dating Joe for six months. Now we're going on a seventh month. And the thing is, like, I've liked her for about two, three years. I've known her since I was a sophomore. We both kind of have the same going on with each other. And like, the thing is that, like, she kind of screwed me over. So we didn't date. And now we're dating now. Like, the thing is, like, we both are like after each other. I mean, we both like each other. We both love each other.

1:09:33 Drew We both have the same thing. What's your question?

1:09:36 Caller The thing is that, like, I mean, she was like, okay, we were having sex and stuff. And all of a sudden, she just, like, put a wall there. And she just, like, stopped it. And she was like, no more sex. And I was like, why? And the thing is, it's questioning me. Because, like, the thing is, she still wants to... It's weird. Because, like, she still gives me head. And she, like, still wants to do sexual things. And then she says that she doesn't. And all of a sudden, she does. And then now she won't have sex. And, like, every time...

1:10:03 Adam Hold on a second. How come the more boring you are, the more backstory we get? You know, they're really exciting people. They don't want to talk about their three tours in NAMM. They just want to get to the question. These guys, the Hescher High Schoolers, we've got to get the whole backstory about how they met when they were 13. She... Her stopping sex...

1:10:22 Drew Has nothing to do with him.

1:10:24 Adam Here's what it could mean. It possibly means that she's seeing somebody else. Sometimes they'll do that.

1:10:30 Drew Yeah, it's possible. More than that, it just means she's ambivalent about being sexually active.

1:10:35 Adam David?

1:10:36 Caller But the thing is that, like, she doesn't... It's hard. Because, like, she's really active with me, but she doesn't have sex with me. All right.

1:10:45 Dave Attell But she has, though.

1:10:46 Adam She has.

1:10:47 Caller Yeah, she's had sex with me. Like, for the longest time, we had sex, like, for two months straight.

1:10:51 Drew Has she made any attempt to explain to you why she's doing this?

1:10:55 Caller Well, like, the thing is, like, she says that she doesn't want any sexual contact with me. And then the thing is that...

1:11:00 Dave Attell She wants to be a friend now.

1:11:00 Drew Why, David, why?

1:11:02 Caller Because, I don't know. And then, like, all of a sudden, now she's wanting to give me head, and then, like, she has these weird, like, kinky sex things, but she doesn't want to have sex. And she says to me that...

1:11:12 Drew Yeah? Have you asked her why she's doing this?

1:11:14 Caller Yeah. And then she says something to me, but then she goes completely to the opposite of what you're saying.

1:11:19 Adam David? Hey, David, hold on. Let me give you a tip. David. Yeah? Forget about your last year of high school. You go right to junior college. Yeah. I want you to actually just drop out and go to junior college now. Why? Well, let's forego your senior year. Like, here's what I'm saying. A great athlete at the college, at the collegiate level, he'll go right into the pros. David is that for junior college.

1:11:40 Drew Yes.

1:11:41 Adam He is a phenom.

1:11:42 Drew Yes.

1:11:43 Adam He needs to leave high school early because he's just wasting his time there. Go straight to junior college.

1:11:48 Drew He's a poster child for junior college experiences.

1:11:50 Adam That's right. He's like LeBron James of Stupid.

1:11:53 Drew Either that or he's deaf. He actually can't hear. David.

1:11:58 Caller Yeah?

1:11:59 Drew When she tells you what her reason is for stopping sexual contact, what does she say?

1:12:06 Caller Nothing. That's exactly what she says. She just says, I just don't want to have to. And she's like, there's no, there's nothing. That's it. She just says, that's it.

1:12:15 Adam This isn't a good sign. Here's the deal. She's going to have to tell you or you're going to have to break up. And I wonder if she even thinks you're her boyfriend. She may just think you guys are dating.

1:12:26 Caller Well, the thing is, I just don't understand. It's really frustrating because, like...

1:12:30 Adam Yeah, I know. Okay. And by the way, for all we know, Dave is talking to a mop with a sweater. You know, we don't know. Dave could have been talking to, like, a trash can with lipstick and a mop wig on it the whole time and thinks he has a relationship going. Yeah. We'll never know. Okay. So here's the thing. This is not a good sign. She's pulling back for one reason or another.

1:12:54 Drew You deserve an explanation. If she won't give you one, you must break up.

1:12:57 Adam Fine. And, Dave, like I said, at junior college, you're going to meet all sorts of hot women in their 40s.

1:13:03 Dave Attell Especially if you have a car.

1:13:05 Adam Chains smoking. Who are still, by the way, junior college, even though there will be women in their 40s, still impressed if a guy has his own ride.

1:13:12 Dave Attell Yeah.

1:13:13 Adam Yeah. Let's take a little break. Dave Attell is here tonight from Insomniac Comedy Central every single night of the week. Take a quick break. We'll be right back. Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Alicia Cutbert, or maybe Alicia Cutbert.

1:13:50 Drew We'll find out tomorrow.

1:13:51 Adam It's gonna be in here tomorrow night. Hot cleft-chinned lassie from the girl next door. Tomorrow night, she'll be in here. Very hot, petite, but I like that. Yes, Dave?

1:14:05 Dave Attell Well, how petite are we talking about? About three feet tall?

1:14:10 Adam Three feet. Sporty though.

1:14:12 Dave Attell Yeah, it's so deceiving on TV.

1:14:14 Adam Yeah, I-

1:14:15 Drew It's like you're the snow globe, Adam.

1:14:16 Adam I like, that was my plan, whereas I actually once in a while put my semi-wrecked penis onto a snow globe that'll have a small town on it, and I'll smash into it as if it's being crushed by a giant penis, which is mine. It's sort of like that thing where you can hold your hand up in front of an airplane that's hundreds of miles away, and it looks like, yeah, I'm covering it by my hand, you know? It's a feeling of satisfaction only a man could have. Only a mature man like myself. All right, Dave Attell here tonight from Insomniac. The show is a runaway hit on Comedy Central. Well, listen, it's doing well.

1:14:54 Dave Attell It is.

1:14:55 Adam It absolutely is.

1:14:57 Dave Attell It fills a need there.

1:14:59 Adam It absolutely does, and it was a very, it was a very good idea for a show in the sense that it took somebody and it, you know what happens a lot, and I'm sure Dave will back me up on this, guys are successful stand-up comedians and they're great, and then they take them and they put them on network and they're trying to mash them into some sort of sitcom. And then it's like, what happened? That guy used to be funny. Well, it's like, he can't do what he's doing. All of a sudden he's got a wife and kids and a kooky neighbor and a mother-in-law he doesn't get along with and it's in trouble. Dave, they gave him a camera crew and a bottle of rye and they just sent him to Louisiana. And that was it.

1:15:39 Dave Attell And that's so true, especially with these sitcoms. You know, they always come out and it's these these comics who were in the clubs. They were kind of edgy. They just, you know, like had something to say. And then they put them in the sitcom and it's it's just, you know, a single father doing the best he can. And where's the whoring? Where's the out of control drinking?

1:15:57 Adam The precocious black five year old who wants to get dad laid by setting him up with her preschool with his preschool teacher. I always like that. I love the premise of the six year old that once is trying to set up single dad. I didn't know my dad had a penis until I was 30. Like I wasn't worried about my single dad. My dad was single when I was, you know, ten years old. I wasn't like, I got to get dad laid. I was like, I got to get dad to buy me a big wheel. I don't care what else he does. I love that's like, she is fun. And the kid tricks the teacher into coming home and then tricks dad into coming home and then sets up a romantic evening for them.

1:16:37 Drew What happened to the Mrs. Livingston character though?

1:16:39 Dave Attell Right.

1:16:40 Adam Oh, Mrs. Eddie's father, Mr. Eddie's father?

1:16:43 Drew Yeah. Mrs. Livingston was a key character in all of those.

1:16:46 Adam She was a hot Asian chick.

1:16:48 Dave Attell What was the connection there? Did they meet?

1:16:49 Drew She's a housekeeper.

1:16:50 Dave Attell I know, but did he like meet her somewhere overseas?

1:16:53 Adam He bought her.

1:16:54 Dave Attell He bought her in a game of Marjan?

1:16:57 Caller He won her.

1:16:59 Dave Attell Celebrity Marjan?

1:17:00 Adam He won her in a Pai Gow tournament in Bangkok and actually smuggled her back stateside. And now she's basically an indentured servant.

1:17:09 Drew To the son.

1:17:10 Adam Yeah, Mr. Eddie's father, I like that. All right, let's get back to the phones. Let's see. This is bad already. Maria?

1:17:22 Caller Yes.

1:17:23 Adam You're 26?

1:17:24 Caller Yes.

1:17:25 Adam Oh, you sound like you've had more years than 26 under your belt.

1:17:30 I'm sorry?

1:17:31 Adam Have you had some hard living? Yeah, you've been like into speed or alcoholic. What happened, you got raped?

1:17:40 No, none of that. I mean, I don't do drugs. I've never really done drugs. The first time I ever smoked weed was when I was 25.

1:17:49 Adam Wow, all right, well, it's time to start with the drugs. So what's your question?

1:17:53 My question is that I've been dating this guy for the past, I'm sorry, since January. And at first, our sex life was fine. He just turned 23, I'm 26 years old. And all of a sudden, like now, he can't get it hard. We do foreplay and everything, and all of a sudden, when it's time for us to actually have sex, he can't get it hard. And I have no idea. And I mean, he smokes out a lot, and some of my friends say, oh, maybe because he smokes out a lot.

1:18:22 Drew That absolutely can do it. Is he on your medication?

1:18:26 No, not that I know of. I mean, he does a lot, like he takes, he takes not medication, but he takes like things to make him like, because he works out a lot. So he wants to build muscle, so he takes a lot of those, whatever they're called.

1:18:41 Drew Steroids?

1:18:42 Caller Not steroids, not at all, but he takes supplements.

1:18:46 Adam All right, hold on a second. Drew, I'm picturing the guy in the Tiger Stripe, purple workout parachute pants. Leather fanny pack. Maybe a hat on backwards. And not a real baseball hat either, one of those like weird wimpy ones with the cloth thing that you can cinch up the freebies. Oh yeah. Doesn't feel right, get the cardboard bill. I don't like that. Maria.

1:19:13 Caller Yes.

1:19:14 Adam I don't trust this guy. I don't trust guys that work out. I don't mind guys who exercise. I don't like guys who work out.

1:19:21 Caller I mean, he tells me that he's really into me and I ask him bluntly, I'm like, if you're not like, if you're not into me, let me know. I'm your girlfriend, like, let me know. And if there's something I could do to like, you know, make it hard, like, let me know and I'll do it. And he's like, no, I think if he goes, I'm really into you, I think you're really hot, blah, blah, blah. You have a pretty body and why wouldn't I be into you?

1:19:46 Adam Well, he smokes a lot of weed. Smokes a lot of weed. He's on a lot of substances.

1:19:51 Drew Yeah, the most common reason for a male is some biological process. And at his age group, it would be a pharmacological problem, either a substance use like pot or speed or supplements of various types or maybe some ephedra in there or God knows what, some sort of stimulant that's making it. And don't be surprised if he's actually doing steroids and that can definitely cause this problem.

1:20:11 Adam You know, be a good ploy. I think I'm gonna try this. Not being able to get it up for like three or four outings. You know what I'm saying? Then the chick gets on the ropes. Like what, he's not attracted to me? What am I doing wrong?

1:20:25 Drew I'm getting really far for it.

1:20:26 Adam Maybe I'm not doing enough. What can I do? First off, you get that 45 minute BJ. Another thing too, that sort of sympathy BJ. It's going to be hard to keep flaccid during that period. But if I can pull that off, next stop, anal town. You know what I mean? Like, cause now you're doing, see now the chicken's on the ropes and it's like, maybe I should invite one of my friends into the bedroom. Maybe I'm not doing enough. We should, I should start experimenting. And then whatever you get onto, if you could wake your penis up, you'd be right. Then that would be part of the, that would be on the menu. That would not be a special. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to do this.

1:21:04 Dave Attell Dave, I'm with it. Drew, Drew, whatever.

1:21:07 All right.

1:21:08 Adam Chris, no, I mean, get me a coffee. No, come on, buddy. I love you. Danielle. You're 18? Says your dad shot himself? Oh, that's bad. And you found the body?

1:21:27 Caller Yeah.

1:21:28 Adam That's worse. And that was one month ago?

1:21:38 Drew What happened? Where'd you find him?

1:21:40 Caller What?

1:21:41 Adam What happened?

1:21:43 Caller Well, my mom left him and then he shot himself.

1:21:48 Adam By the way, Dave's gonna be out Bakersfield at the... Yeah, it's gonna be great. Yeah, it's gonna be down at the Fox Theater on April 9th and then Gora Hills at Cannon Club. So your dad shot himself?

1:22:03 Caller Yeah.

1:22:04 Adam Danielle?

1:22:05 Caller Yes. And I just wanna ask Dr. Drew, like what I should be feeling because it seems like, I don't know, my mom's really coming down on me thinking I should be like freaking out and stuff, but I just kind of feel numb.

1:22:20 Drew Well, the numbness is a protection, right? It's a way of protecting yourself from overwhelming feelings. The problem is inside you, there's still something going on. You just aren't able to sort of connect up with it. And there will be a consequence for that, for not going through the normal process of grieving. You'll have panic attacks or depression or some sort of reaction within the next six months or so. So it does become important for you to do some, at least some grieving work with somebody or a group because it needs to surface. It's natural, it's normal, and it needs to happen. It's also normal to protect yourself too, so you don't want to force yourself into things. But you want to make sure you don't have a disturbed grieving process where nothing happens to you.

1:23:05 Adam Well, and was your dad depressed? Was he a drug addict? What was up?

1:23:11 Caller Well, he had had a couple of back surgeries, so he was on like opiates for a couple of years of his life, especially those last ones.

1:23:19 Drew So he was an opiate addict, okay. Was he an alcoholic before that?

1:23:22 Caller Oh no, he never drank.

1:23:25 Adam You know, this is a horrible situation. I don't understand why you would do this. I understand why you would kill yourself, but why you do it in a place where your family, when your family members may discover you.

1:23:36 Drew Where was it?

1:23:38 Caller Well, they lived in Tampa and he shot himself there. My mom had moved out and I was worried about him because he called me and was like, you know, tell me about like his will, what he wanted to happen and that he loved me. So I immediately, as soon as I could, I drove up to Tampa from Miami and he had locked himself in his bedroom. And so I just, I took the door knob off of his fridge.

1:24:08 Adam Yeah, horrible. All right, so you gotta get some, line's horrible so I'm gonna put it on hold, but you gotta get some therapy.

1:24:14 Drew Yeah, some help.

1:24:16 Dave Attell Talk it out.

1:24:17 Adam If I kill myself, well, you know, well, nitruses, I mean, carbon monoxide, but you know, what if you did this? Do you think you could do this? I mean, it sounds kind of involved, but if you were gonna shoot yourself and you didn't want anyone to find you, you go out in like a rowboat and you go out in the ocean, you tie like a center block around your ankle and you gotta time it where you shoot yourself and throw the block overboard, you know, like simultaneously, but if you could work that out.

1:24:47 Dave Attell Well, in Japan, when people, you know, because it's such a very polite society, before they jump in front of the bullet train, I guess they take off their shoes. So people, you know, walking on the subway track, whatever, like a pair of shoes there, that means someone had jumped.

1:25:03 Caller Right.

1:25:03 Dave Attell So they can start the, you know, search for the body.

1:25:06 Caller Oh, really?

1:25:07 Adam I thought it was a giant penis they used to kill themselves.

1:25:10 Dave Attell No, that's when they let their hair down.

1:25:13 Adam Jumping in front of a bullet train. And here's the other thing about the Japanese too, when they kill themselves, they do it, but they fall on a sword. They jump in front of a bullet train. Yeah, they're not that, you know, for me, I'm like one of those OD guys, you know what I mean?

1:25:26 Drew Pussy.

1:25:27 Adam Yeah, I'm pussy. Like my whole thing is, first off, I'm gonna see if I can masturbate to death. You know, that's my first attempt is just see if I can just jack myself.

1:25:36 Drew And you've been trying that one off a long time now.

1:25:38 Adam I've been at that.

1:25:39 Drew It's been a slow death.

1:25:40 Adam It's been a slow death.

1:25:41 Dave Attell Well, one of the things we did on my show, which is not relevant to anything outside of the Nutri, is we hung out with a guy who does crime scene cleanup and 80% of his cleanups are suicides. And it's usually some hotel or a house somewhere where something like this poor girl's dad, you know, just decided to end it all. And then after the CSI guys get in there or whatever, the forensic team, then they call in like a regular cleaning crew and they have to clean the walls. And it's a really messy thing. That's why I think suicide is kind of a angry reaction. It's kind of like, it's very aggressive and it's not really an act of love. It's an act of just hate, unexpressed hate of the world or people you love or something.

1:26:24 Adam The crime scene, Rosie, would be a good guy to know. She's the bounty woman, I think. The point is, this would be a good guy to know if you're gonna kill somebody.

1:26:36 Dave Attell Yeah, he's like a cleaner.

1:26:37 Adam Because I watch all these forensic shows and the guys kill people in their basement, they paint over it with epoxy-based paint and the dog still smells the blood underneath the epoxy paint. Mm-hmm. This is crazy.

1:26:51 Dave Attell That's why you have to get the dog in on it.

1:26:53 Adam That'd be great. Yeah, you pay off.

1:26:56 Dave Attell Sounds like a job for Ed Harris.

1:26:57 Adam Yeah, yeah. You like that bone marrow? Okay, no, you're listening.

1:27:02 Dave Attell Great.

1:27:02 Adam Oh, yeah, I got a frisbee, but first we talk. Let me tell you something. You're not gonna get that fake tennis ball pump with me. When I move my arm, that tennis ball goes sailing and you'll go get it. I'm not that kind of guy. I don't believe in that.

1:27:15 Dave Attell Give them a better deal.

1:27:16 Adam So let's talk. Also, I got a friend who's moving some heroin through the airport. You got anybody who's working the airport? Great. Miami? Fantastic. What are their names? King?

1:27:26 Caller OK, let me write that down.

1:27:28 Adam David Tell is here tonight. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. David Tell is here tonight.

1:28:05 Dave Attell Just got locked out.

1:28:06 Adam Insomniac, you're cool. You didn't miss anything. Insomniac's on Comedy Central, nine o'clock on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. And Drew's gotta do a quick promotion over here.

1:28:17 Drew That's right, the girl next door, the, the, the, the girl next door again. All callers 17 years of age and older who get on the air tonight will win a pair of tickets to see The Girl Next Door starring Alicia Cuthbert that Burt opens on Friday.

1:28:27 Adam Yeah, it's probably Alicia. I don't know.

1:28:31 Drew Yeah, probably.

1:28:32 Adam She'll be in tomorrow night. She's a midget, she's got a cleft. It's gonna be great. Now she's really, she's really hot because I'll tell you what's a nice combo. Nice combo on a woman. Drew, as a man of extreme passion and she's a blonde so you can get down with this is you want a little meat on the thigh and ass but you don't want it to be wide. It's like, if it was clay, you would take the same amount and sort of push it in instead of flatten it out. You know what I'm saying?

1:29:02 Drew Women need, I've said that they need to move towards cylinder.

1:29:06 Adam Yeah.

1:29:06 Drew Not flat, right?

1:29:07 Adam You're fleshy cylinder, right, Doc?

1:29:11 Drew I'll drop trowel, I'll drop trowel, I'll drop trowel, Dave, I'll drop trowel, I'll drop trowel, I'll drop trowel, I'll drop trowel, I'll drop trowel, I'll drop trowel, I'll drop trowel.

1:29:20 Adam Watch how well we break into a small market morning radio.

1:29:24 Dave Attell Got very, very tense in here.

1:29:27 Adam It did. But yes, cylinder.

1:29:29 Drew Right, not flat, but cylinder.

1:29:30 Dave Attell Are you talking about the buttock?

1:29:32 Drew Just the whole sort of shape should be more towards, women don't know that.

1:29:36 Adam Yeah, women, here's the whole thing. Women try to get as skinny as they possibly can, and then they pack themselves, or I shouldn't say pack themselves, but they pry on these very tight jeans, and when they're very skinny, and they're wearing very tight jeans, their ass just looks sort of, it looks like someone cut a big novelty magnet out of cardboard, you know, and just put it down, and it's like, there's nothing to it. Guys like a little meat, they don't like the width part, they like the girth.

1:30:04 Dave Attell Yeah.

1:30:05 Drew They like symmetry, right?

1:30:06 Adam Yeah.

1:30:06 Dave Attell The apple bottom.

1:30:07 Adam Yeah, yeah, and Alicia has that. She got, it's not wide and hippy, but it's there, it's not scrawny, you know what I'm saying? I think women think the guys like Paris Hilton, like that sort of scrawny, lanky, bony kind of thing. They like it. We don't really like that. There's nothing wrong with it. It's better than being fat, but we ain't really into that.

1:30:31 Drew Our genes, our brains are triggered to look for things that will be associated with fertility.

1:30:37 Adam No, really.

1:30:38 Drew She looks kind of heroin chic.

1:30:40 Adam Right, yeah.

1:30:42 Dave Attell It's hard to tell in that tape, though, you know.

1:30:44 Adam I know. I know. The night vision.

1:30:48 Dave Attell She's hot, though. Please.

1:30:50 Adam All right. Sonia?

1:30:52 Yeah.

1:30:52 Adam You're 19?

1:30:53 Caller Yes.

1:30:54 Adam Yeah. You got a fiance that looks at porno?

1:30:57 Caller Yeah, no, you know, I don't really know if I should accept this or...

1:31:00 Dave Attell Well, this is for problems, honey.

1:31:07 Adam Here's the whole thing. Asking a guy never to look at porno again, especially when the guy's probably 21 is a very unrealistic request. On the other hand, if he's telling you to move out of the way, he's looking at some German stump porn, that's a bad, bad sign. So which is it? Is he discreet about it?

1:31:30 Caller He's not, he's as discreet as he can be, but I think he should be more. I just don't like finding, you know, these websites on my computer, you know?

1:31:41 Drew Do you go looking through the history?

1:31:43 Caller No, well, well I go, usually scroll down to go to my, you know, little links and I'll find out that he typed something there. You know, if I didn't see it, I wouldn't have a problem.

1:31:57 Dave Attell What kind of porn is he into?

1:31:58 Caller Just, you know.

1:32:01 Dave Attell Girl on girl hot action.

1:32:03 Caller Yeah, it's just girl stuff, you know.

1:32:07 Adam You know what it would be?

1:32:07 Dave Attell Doc.

1:32:08 Adam You know what would be really, really bad, your fiancee to find like stupid chicks, dumb chicks, bonehead chicks. You know this guy.

1:32:15 Dave Attell Not mygirlfriend.com.

1:32:16 Adam Just really turned on by stupid women. When are we getting married, baby? I can't wait.

1:32:21 Dave Attell What if he was into like Albanian Fisherwomen?

1:32:23 Adam Yeah.

1:32:24 Dave Attell Like a big babushka and hairy pits, just thick camp.

1:32:31 Adam You're 19. Don't get married for a while.

1:32:33 Drew Long while.

1:32:34 Adam Give it 15 years.

1:32:35 Drew 10 years.

1:32:35 Adam 12. All right, 12 and a half.

1:32:38 Drew 12, 12.

1:32:38 Dave Attell Do you watch porn, too? Do you ever watch it with them?

1:32:42 Adam All right, well, loosen up, baby. You're 19. Quit busting this nuts. They're so tight. And by the way, women, who are you kidding with that? It's not that you, whatever. It's how I found out. It's the fact that you didn't tell me. It's not that you're banging my best friend. It's that I had to find out through Marjorie. And so I was like, no, no, no, stop doing that. Just say, I don't like what you're doing. It's not that I don't look for it, but.

1:33:04 Dave Attell See, that's how we could find Ben Laden. If we handed him a couple of porn spank mags and just send some women out to they'd find him immediately. What's this? Oh, it's Ben Laden.

1:33:13 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. All right, everybody, that's the show. I want to thank David Attell for coming in here tonight.

1:34:08 Dave Attell Thanks, guys, thanks for having me.

1:34:10 Adam And our pleasure, Insomniac, is Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, Comedy Central, nine o'clock. We'll take a little extended break. Alicia Kupbert in here tomorrow night from The Girl Next Door. And until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

1:34:29 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Wednesday, April 7, 2004