Episode 1000604442417

1:10 Voiceover Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191, Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Ethan Zohn is here tonight from Survivor, my favorite show, yes, Drew?

1:16 Drew It is your favorite show, other than Family Guy and Simpsons and...

1:19 Adam Hmm, I don't watch that much Simpsons.

1:21 Ethan Zohn Other than Family Guy back.

1:22 Adam Yes, yes, they are and I'm excited about that too. No, I watch this old house classic, the old one, and Survivor, and it's absolutely, and I was watching American Idol last night and I just thought, I don't get it, I don't, it's Survivor, you know, and then I was looking at the paper today and it was like top 10 shows, American Idol, and then American Idol again, and I, you know, I don't wanna be one of these guys who just harps on stuff because it's popular, because Survivor's very popular, has been for five years, and I've always said that I love Survivor, it's a good show, I don't care what it does, it's like, you know, if it does well in the ratings or not, it's a real good show, but- American Idol, like just sort of mediocre talent and mediocre looking people with sort of mediocre charisma, singing mediocre songs in front of, you know, We have Simon and the rest of the sort of blowhards there. It doesn't feel like anything.

2:21 Drew It isn't, but it plays with the very nature of why we, or what we are attracted to in Celebrity. I could do that too. If I don't, I could cut down everybody else that gets there.

2:32 Adam I could just go down to Dimples if I want to see sort of 150-pound chicks sing Donna Summer songs in a way that's only good after a few beers. I don't get it, but Survivor, I get. I love this show.

2:47 Ethan Zohn I don't really get it, I don't know. I can't understand how you get it.

2:49 Adam I think I've seen every one of them.

2:51 Ethan Zohn Really?

2:52 Adam Pretty sure, pretty sure. And I know Ethan won the Africa one, which is to me was the stickiest of all the Survivors. The only, I mean, the only redeeming value of the show in terms of the only thing that doesn't make me want to stand up and scratch myself feverishly is the fact that people get in and out of the water all the time and it's a it's a baptism of sort. But the Africa one, they were just out there on the scorched earth.

3:18 Ethan Zohn I mean, just the surface of the sun.

3:20 Adam It just dust bowl and just that feeling like, you know, feeling when, here's the feeling, you work out, but you can't hit the shower. And then you dry off sort of driving home and you know, everything's kind of, your face is itchy or whatever. You can't shave. You got those weird dust lines around the creases of your eyes and that kind of stuff. Wasn't that painful?

3:41 Ethan Zohn It was horrible. I mean, Africa, I mean, I think environmentally, Africa was the worst out of all of them. As you said, we were sitting, I mean, we just wasted away out there. No water.

3:49 Adam The water source was just a mud pit.

3:52 Ethan Zohn And it was filled with elephant dung. I wish it was just mud. Because we shared our water with every animal in the entire Lake Savannah. Elephants, giraffes, bamboo, bamboo.

4:01 Adam How do they prevent- A couple of Puerto Ricans, that too. Oh yes, Drew. Oh yes, oh yes, as a doctor, you know, the disease.

4:09 Drew I understand how they prevent you from getting ill.

4:12 Ethan Zohn Yeah, I mean, well, we had quite a few shots before we went. But I don't know, I mean, we boiled the water for five minutes before we drank it.

4:20 Drew They gave you fire?

4:22 Ethan Zohn Yes, after the, we didn't have fire for three days. But then after the first tribal council.

4:27 Adam Yeah, the new one, they didn't get fire.

4:29 Ethan Zohn Yeah.

4:29 Adam And you know, my wife was sitting there in her Hello Kitty jammies explaining to me how she'd get that fire started. Ha ha ha ha. As, look, you can't get a bag of goddamn groceries up the stairs, you can't water the potted plants, but you're gonna start firing a rainstorm on the island? Please. But see, this is my mistake. You should not talk to your wife. You shouldn't answer. You just nod. Drew's learned this, yes?

4:54 Ethan Zohn Are you guys allowed to talk during Survivor? Or do you have quiet time during Survivor?

4:57 Adam Well, I have to tell the shut up about Boston Rob every once in a while, because he's so dreamy, really. And I guess you could break, you could take the camps and break them into Ethan and Boston Rob camps. And then maybe a couple of Colby stragglers, but like Producer Anne, she's an Ethan. She's an Ethan camp. Yeah.

5:19 Drew Where is?

5:21 Adam She sounded off about that. Yeah. Boston Rob, disgusted by Boston Rob. Where's my wife, Boston Rob?

5:27 Drew And Adam's in Boston Rob, too, pretty much.

5:29 Adam No, but I'll tell you what happened is when they had to build the camps, that's where I said, okay, yeah, he claims to be a carpenter, let's see what he does, but he did build a nice camp.

5:40 Ethan Zohn Did you see what Rupert did?

5:41 Adam Yeah, Rupert.

5:41 Ethan Zohn The bomb shelter in the beach.

5:42 Adam He just dug a huge clam hole in the beach and it was about three feet deep and he hit like an old pirate's anchor or something. And then it started torrentially raining the next night and they were sleeping in two foot of water underneath there. But I noticed that, and especially, I noticed with the Kobe, that people are not as humble as they were the first time around. There really was a, hey, just glad to be here. The first, obviously the first time, this is Survivor All-Star. People are coming back with a little attitude. Like someone like Kobe, the thing that was all the ladies loved about him is he was attractive guy, but he had this sort of, oh, shucks, I'm just glad to be here kind of thing. Now, all of a sudden, everyone's got some game.

6:26 Drew Ethan must have been around when Susan revealed that she was an abuse survivor.

6:30 Adam Yes, at least according to us. Yeah, when she flipped out on Jeff.

6:33 Ethan Zohn Started spitting on death probes. That was horrible.

6:35 Adam Yeah, that was freaky.

6:37 Drew It just means that she was abused when she was growing up. That's all that means.

6:39 Adam Yeah, that's what we gathered because-

6:42 Drew 100%.

6:42 Adam Yeah, because she started spinning out over a situation where at the time you didn't-

6:49 Ethan Zohn I mean, I didn't see it firsthand. I mean, obviously-

6:51 Drew You saw it on the cut.

6:53 Ethan Zohn I mean, it wasn't appropriate what Richard did, but I mean, you got a lot of time and you get in your own head out there, that's for sure.

6:59 Adam She was on the log taunting him, like yelling at him, come on, bring it on. You got a big nude homo there, yelling, bring it on, on the other side of the log. Well, eventually, it's gonna show up. And then he gives her a little pepe taunt. I've done that before.

7:13 Ethan Zohn Little shakes.

7:15 Drew That was too dark there, though.

7:16 Adam All right.

7:17 Drew That's true, Drew.

7:18 Adam What's that, Drew?

7:19 Drew Let me, again, speaking of taunting, get on this Girl Next Door promotion.

7:23 Adam All right, but sell it, would you? Yeah, every time you have to read something, you power through it.

7:27 Drew Well, I'm not going to, dad.

7:28 Adam And you broke into French last night.

7:30 Drew I know, that was really a mistake.

7:31 Adam What did you say last night in French?

7:32 Drew I said now in French.

7:33 Adam What was it?

7:34 Drew Mante-na.

7:35 Adam They got that many syllables in now? Who knows frogs needs eight syllables in now? They gotta narrow down now. You know what I mean?

7:44 Drew And so about this promotion?

7:45 Adam Yeah, hurry.

7:46 Drew So it's-

7:47 Adam But have fun with it and take your time and sell it for change.

7:50 Drew I think there's a couple things. First of all, our listeners ashamed us last night by not signing on and getting enough of these passes to go see this movie. It was shameful, shameful display. So it's at girl next door, girl next door tickets, girl next door tickets at earthlink.net. I think that's part of the problem.

8:10 Adam Well, there's 172 letters in that goddamn address.

8:14 Drew Girl next door tickets at earthlink.net. You log onto that site, you get your free tickets to go see a free screening at the Arclight in Hollywood. And Anne, what is the date and time of the, Anne. Oh my gosh.

8:26 Adam She's changing her pansies because Ethan came in.

8:28 Drew What is the date and time of the screening? Date and time of the screening? Get in here.

8:32 Adam I've said this many times, Drew, about screenings. You know, a man knows when it's time to show up for a screening. We don't need a date and a time.

8:40 Drew What is the date and time of the screening?

8:42 Ethan Zohn April 7th, 7 p.m.

8:43 Drew April 7th at 7 p.m.

8:45 Ethan Zohn That'll be on the invitation.

8:45 Drew It'll be on the invitation, but it's April 7th, 7 p.m. You can make it come free, get a pair of tickets. And everyone else who gets on the air, who's 17 years of age or older, will get a pair of tickets sent to them to be able to go wherever you live to see this movie.

8:58 Adam Fantastic.

8:58 Drew The girl next door starring Alicia Cuthbert.

9:01 Ethan Zohn Is that the one where there's a point?

9:02 Adam Yeah, it's a good movie. I saw it. It's nice. It's kind of risky business for today's 17 year old. Gonna be a lot of masturbating to that Cuthbert. I don't even know how to say her name, but I don't think you do the th. I think it's the cut and do it like that Cuthbert. Yeah? Yeah, she's much hotter than her name. All right. It sounds like a, like you got back from the dentist.

9:30 Drew No, she sounds like some sort of-

9:31 Adam Yeah, she'll be there.

9:32 Ethan Zohn At the premiere?

9:32 Adam Yeah, she'll be there.

9:35 Drew This is the special show.

9:36 Adam Yeah, this is for our loser listeners is to show up and save $8. But that Arclight, that's an amazing facility. Get that nice caramel popcorn there. Let me tell you what I like to do with the popcorn, Ethan.

9:49 Ethan Zohn I like to hear it.

9:50 Adam I get the caramel popcorn and then I get the regular popcorn and I do a little double dip, you know, a little salt and sweet, you know what I'm saying?

9:57 Ethan Zohn Do you ever throw some M&M's in there or Raisinettes?

9:59 Adam When I'm feeling extra naughty.

10:01 Ethan Zohn I bet.

10:01 Adam Yeah, sometimes when I take a mead day. Yeah.

10:04 Drew This film opens April 9th.

10:06 Adam All right, should we have another gay culinary exchange or should we take some calls? Favorite show, Survivor, eight o'clock Thursday nights. Back to its original time. And last week was the compilation, Best Of, which is, it's fine. It gets people caught up who haven't seen every second of every episode. But I even do the Survivor dance at the beginning of the show. Yo, I'm up there, baby. I'm in my towel. I'm in just, I'm doing my thing in front of the TV.

10:37 Ethan Zohn Do you have any buffs? Do you wear buffs often?

10:40 Adam I was, we're talking to Jeff about the buffs, which is they do make a big deal about the buffs. You can get your buff. How do you find your buff? Where do you wear your buff? And I've thought to myself, don't need the Survivor buff. And secondly, I would probably see a wings mug before I saw Survivor buff. I just, I never saw one on the street. It's an immensely popular show with a lukewarm product that's trying to push. It should have been like Survivor Flint or the Compass or the Leatherman or the Bowie Knife or something with a, you know, we could magnifying glass, we could start a fire with or something. The buff just doesn't, I don't know. It didn't capture my imagination.

11:23 Ethan Zohn I understand that.

11:25 Adam And I don't like these native tribe names. I don't like the Sambuca tribe and all this kind of stuff. I want tribes with good American names like Turbo Max and Nitro.

11:38 Ethan Zohn Extreme Survivor.

11:39 Adam Extreme Nitro and stuff like that.

11:40 Drew Like American Gladiator type names.

11:42 Adam Yeah, American Gladiator names are like car part names. I don't like all, here's what it means.

11:47 Ethan Zohn But we're opening America to cultures.

11:49 Adam We don't need that.

11:50 Ethan Zohn Different cultures.

11:50 Adam We need to start building a fence. That's our thing. That's our thing. And then start the burning. Ready to move forward here? Can't? I beg of you. I like Survivor. What can I say? You're 16, Kat. What's up?

12:06 Caller I've been thinking about getting my clip pierced. But I heard that after two years, you lose all sensation.

12:13 Drew It can happen. It's not after two years.

12:15 Adam Two years is a pretty good run.

12:16 Drew It can usually go a lot shorter.

12:18 Caller Really? Would I be able to like get it pierced and then take it out after a little while?

12:23 Adam No.

12:24 Drew You can only take pierces out, but sometimes people have permanent excessive irritability or numbness, there's all kinds of little funky things.

12:32 Ethan Zohn Why not start with like a nipple or something?

12:34 Drew Yeah.

12:34 Caller I already had my nipple pierced.

12:36 Drew Yeah. What's up with Kat? Come on.

12:37 Adam Something. Hey, Kat.

12:39 Caller Yeah.

12:40 Adam When are you talking about hood piercing or clitoris piercing?

12:45 Caller The clit.

12:48 Adam That's pretty aggressive.

12:50 Caller Would it be different if I just got the hood pierced? Would it irritate it as much?

12:56 Adam I don't have a vagina. I have not quite a penis, but I wouldn't call it a vagina. Do you know what I'm saying? So I couldn't tell you for sure. All I can tell you is that you're 16, you're wanting to put holes in your parts, and we suspect trauma. What's up? Where's your dad? What's going on? How come I can't hear her?

13:15 Caller My dad's downstairs.

13:17 Adam Uh-huh. So he's in hell. He died. He was biker.

13:26 Drew What happened to your mom?

13:27 Caller What?

13:28 Drew What happened to your mom?

13:30 Caller Yeesh.

13:31 Drew That might be enough out there.

13:32 Adam How old were you when this happened?

13:33 Caller I was nine.

13:36 Adam That is, and did she fight the illness for a while?

13:39 Caller Yeah.

13:41 Adam Yeah, that's gotta be devastating. And I don't know a worse age, you know, for mom to get sick at seven and a half and die at nine kind of thing is really, you're old enough to know what's going on, but it's not like you're off at college.

13:54 Drew Were things okay with her even when she was around?

13:56 Caller She was sick my whole life, basically.

14:01 Drew Was she tough to deal with because of that?

14:05 Caller I didn't really know her, so.

14:08 Drew So you never had a relationship with her, really, huh?

14:10 Caller No.

14:11 Adam Oh, why? Was she, she wasn't around? She was in the hospital?

14:14 Caller She was in and out of the hospital a lot.

14:16 Adam For nine years and you never, you never had any contact with your mom?

14:20 Caller Well, she started being sick when I was like, oh, around five, I think, but I don't remember anything from before.

14:26 Adam Well, five isn't your whole life. That's less than half before she died.

14:31 Drew As your memory goes, it's, she's been sick your whole life.

14:34 Caller Right.

14:35 Adam All right. Well, that's, that's pretty traumatic. And your dad, I mean, it must've been tough on him. I mean, this was his general, just a shadow cast over the family.

14:42 Drew Right?

14:43 Caller Yeah.

14:44 Drew Has he been okay to you? But has he been okay to you?

14:47 Caller Yeah, he's been, he's dated other women.

14:50 Drew No, no, but when this was all going on.

14:53 Caller I really don't remember a lot from it because I was little and-

14:56 Adam Yeah. What's your dad do for a living?

15:00 Caller He works with computers at a hospital.

15:02 Adam Ah-ha. I don't know. All right, Kat, there's something going on with you and your piercings.

15:08 Drew And it may be just the trauma you've been through.

15:10 Adam Yeah, you've been traumatized. How about some therapy?

15:14 Caller I do see a therapist.

15:16 Adam All right.

15:16 Caller But I don't see how piercings is a traumatic sign.

15:20 Adam It's a way to sort of act out on yourself.

15:24 Drew You know, you've been through the mill and you're gonna take that on yourself less as a way of sort of announcing to other people that you won't let that do that to them. Yeah. Them do that to you rather.

15:35 Adam It's F'd up. I wish as a society we could look, anytime sane people say, when a group of sane people say, well, why would you go ahead and do fill in the blank? That means the person that wants to do it is F'd up. I wish as a society, we could stop labeling that idiot as an individual and start labeling them as a retard. And then they could get some help or at least we could beat them in a submission. You know what I mean? There's way too much of that. Look, you want to put a hole in your most private of parts, you're F'd up. There's a problem there. It should be looked into. Or you're just gonna keep poking holes in yourself.

16:11 Drew We're not gonna judge you for being F'd up, but we're gonna be anger with you for not being willing to come to terms with it other than by acting out these strange ways.

16:18 Adam And I don't appreciate being exposed to you being F'd up. I can't stand looking at the guys with all the nipple rings and stuff. I don't like to see a guy's nipples in the first place, even though I'm a man who likes some nipple play. I've expressed that to Drew on a number of occasions. He doesn't seem to take it in the spirit of which it was intended.

16:37 Drew Anderson, you get him a replay last night of something that he didn't need to hear a second time and you won't get me the vomit sound.

16:42 Adam I have sensitive nipples. I'm not gonna lie about it. He killed himself after last night.

16:50 Drew I can see why.

16:51 Adam We have Ken. But the point is, Ethan, I have, you know, I have nipples. I enjoy, it's an erogenous zone on me, Drew. Is there something dirty about that?

17:02 Drew Yes, there is, there is.

17:03 Adam The point, I like the, you know, I like the lick and a touch to nipple. But here's my point. I'm not pounding holes in them and then walking around.

17:14 Drew Announcing it to everybody.

17:15 Adam Yeah, like Lex on Survivor. I can't stop. I can't stop.

17:18 Ethan Zohn Do they seek attention? Do they want, what's?

17:20 Drew Well, it's various things. What we know is that it's a pattern. And if people do that, not necessarily, they're sort of within the realm of current style, like nose and lip and stuff like that. But then there's doing the genitals and, you know, having giant hoops in it. Things that are difficult to look at and or so aggressively, or aggressive acting out against your own body, that means something. And it means abuse. So it means trauma.

17:45 Adam All right, let's rock and roll. John?

17:49 Caller Yeah.

17:50 Adam You're 24?

17:51 Caller Yes, sir. How you doing?

17:53 Adam Good. Obviously, I know this sounds sort of morbid, but they should market the survivor buffs to cancer patients. Yeah. That's how they should do it. You got cancer? Here's your answer. Oh, wait a minute, Drew. Write that down. We got survivor buffs. Enjoy your last days on this earth, stylishly. Look, I'm not saying it's gonna go exactly like that, but I'm just saying that could be a potential audience. That is a buff audience. That's a buff buying group. Yes, Drew?

18:22 Drew I think it'd be cool if it was an issue when you come in the hospital. Sort of like, we're gonna survive, we're gonna make this.

18:29 Adam Oh, survivor, yeah, yeah.

18:31 Ethan Zohn If you stay over seven days in the hospital, you get one for free.

18:33 Adam Right, but the Grim Reaper votes you all. Guy the Sickle shows up, bring the torch up. Oh, you don't have the torch, you just got that rolling IV bag. All right, that'll do. Bring that. I'm just gonna go ahead and crimp that off. That's good times, Drew. You see what we can do? We can laugh. Yeah, we're talking to Gina. Gina. Oh, did I hang up on somebody?

18:55 Drew Yeah, you hung up on John.

18:56 Adam No. Oh, no, sorry about that.

18:58 What are you gonna do?

18:59 Adam What are you gonna do?

18:59 Drew John lost 102 pounds on the Adkins diet. He had questions about it.

19:03 Adam Well, John should call back. I said, are we talking to Gina? I don't know. Gina.

19:08 Yes.

19:08 Adam You're 24? I hung up on John to speak to you, so this better be good.

19:14 Caller It is very good. I just had a baby six months ago, and I'm two months pregnant now. Yeah. And I wanna know how it's going to affect my health and the health of the baby I'm carrying now.

19:32 Adam Should've tied that survivor buff in front of her vagina, Drew. We're like a dentist. Dental dams, yeah, to stop the penis. Yeah. Look at Ethan with dropping the dental dam bomb. It's good and nice. It means he's been around the block a couple of times. He knows about the dental dam. I mean, he's got some lesbian friends, or he's done some traveling. We'll get to the bottom of it during the commercial.

19:55 Drew Gina, what do you mean, affect the health of the child?

19:58 Caller I mean, I have the cerclage, and also I have to have a cesarean section.

20:05 Drew Because you had one previous. You had a cerclage on the first one and a cesarean on the first one. That's where you cut out all the pictures of your friends from high school.

20:14 Adam What is that?

20:16 Drew Last pregnancy, you had a C-section and a cerclage. Is that right? I'll have to get to it in a second. Let me just straighten this out.

20:21 Adam Try to work the buff into it if you can.

20:23 Drew Buff would work for a cerclage. It's perfect, it's a sling. And so of course, you're gonna need the same thing in this procedure, right?

20:31 Mm-hmm.

20:32 Drew Okay, and what's your question?

20:35 Caller I just want to know, is it going to, am I going to have to have a different cerclage, would you know, or is it going to be more traumatic on me this time?

20:48 Adam Hold on a second. Are you doing a lot of drugs?

20:50 Caller No, I'm nervous.

20:52 Adam Okay, hold on. Cerclage, it says friends forever, and it shows pictures.

20:57 Drew I need the anatomy book.

20:59 Adam I don't want to look at that book.

21:01 Drew It's where they literally sew up the cervix so the baby doesn't drop out of it. When do they do that? When people have cervical incompetence, which usually is second trimester, spontaneous abortions, miscarriages.

21:15 Adam I mean, you could lose a kid like a truck losing a tire going down the highway, right?

21:20 Drew Yeah, it's more like they just kind of fall out.

21:22 Adam But then they could get run out.

21:24 Drew Yeah, yeah, that's like a tire. Yeah, yeah, if you're driving fast.

21:26 Ethan Zohn When we talk in fallout, I mean, be walking down the street.

21:28 Drew That's a miscarriage. That's a miscarriage, so they may sew this off, so this little thing may be stuck up here.

21:33 Adam How do they know that it's spastic or it's not operating properly?

21:37 Drew I'm not an obstetrician, so I'm not sure. Maybe it starts to dilate, or maybe she's had a couple of failures mid pregnancy before.

21:44 Adam So it starts dilating too early in the run, and they're scared, so they get up there and sew it up. And of course, then they can't pee for five or six months. Yes? No? To me, the urine comes out of all this stuff. It's just, it all just comes falling out of the same hole. Right, Drew?

22:03 Drew Yeah, absolutely.

22:04 Adam Can't urinate with a tampon in, right?

22:06 Drew Of course not.

22:06 Adam Of course not. That made perfect sense to me up until about 18 months ago.

22:10 Drew When you got married.

22:11 Adam All right, please. Gina?

22:15 Drew All right, so Gina, and then of course, sometimes they will give you another, an attempt at a vaginal delivery when you had a C-section, but this recently, I think they would just do another C-section.

22:24 Adam Why are you pregnant? Hey, hold on, quiet down. Why are you pregnant again so fast?

22:30 Ethan Zohn Same guy?

22:30 Caller That's a good question.

22:32 Adam Yeah, same guy?

22:33 Caller What have you been doing?

22:36 Drew Well, the good question is, what have you been using for birth control?

22:38 Caller Well, at first we were using the patch, and then we tried natural family planning.

22:47 Drew That does not work.

22:47 Adam Yeah.

22:48 Drew You're living proof of that.

22:50 Adam Natural family planning?

22:51 Drew That means timing it.

22:52 Adam Oh, just the rhythm, right?

22:54 Drew Yeah, that doesn't work. Hey, did you have a couple of second trimester failures?

22:58 Caller My first child, he was born at 24 weeks.

23:01 Drew Yeah. Oh boy, is he okay?

23:04 Caller Oh yeah, he's very healthy, very healthy, a little boy now.

23:07 Drew And then they did a circlage the next procedure?

23:09 Caller Yeah.

23:10 Drew All right.

23:11 Caller Didn't have a chance to do it with the first one, so.

23:15 Adam All right, baby. Easy with the humping. I imagine, are you being penetrated right now? Oh no, I mentioned just never not having a penis in you.

23:25 Drew She wears, yeah, she wears one.

23:26 Adam Just imagine it's like nonstop penetration.

23:29 Drew What's some Roger March's famous line?

23:32 Adam You wouldn't join a vagina that would have you as a member?

23:36 Drew Even I love cigars, but once in a while I take it out of my mouth.

23:39 Adam Oh yeah. Oh, that grouch, y'all. Ethan Zohn is here from Survivor, my favorite TV show. Thursday nights on CBS, eight o'clock. I'm going to be doing the Survivor dance about 22 hours from now, Drew. Ho, hey, ho, hey, ho, ho, and I'm up there, man, ho.

24:00 Ethan Zohn You know, this song this year is a combination of every song from the show.

24:04 Adam I see, I go to a place where, you know, I don't, you know, see, I sit here and I judge, but when I'm up and I'm into my tribal thing, I'm like some sort of a shaman who's high on peyote. I'm just, I'm dancing around with my pal.

24:16 Drew Indeed you are.

24:17 Adam It's, it's magical, Drew. Use magic, sensitive nipples to the wind.

24:22 Drew It's great. It's great.

24:23 Adam It's great.

24:24 Drew I'm just getting an image. Oh yeah.

24:28 Adam Yeah, it's great. You should see me.

24:29 Drew Can we please cue up the vandal sound?

24:32 Adam Just cue it up.

24:33 Ethan Zohn He doesn't have access to that.

24:35 Adam Yeah. Oh, and we watch you see who the Tylenol pushed to the, pushed to the pain guy. You know, I always like when they do that too. When they go, after the ball game or something, they go, Gillette in the edge to victory goes to, you know, they try to work at a close shave, because the Gillette close shave of the night goes to, they do that sort of thing. The Tylenol pushing through the pain, but they should have given it to Jeff Probst for getting his lunch handed to him by Sue, just screaming at him. He's just standing there like an idiot in shorts. He didn't know what was going on. She teed off on him. He should have got the Tylenol play through the pain. I mean, we saw the abridged version of it, right?

25:17 Ethan Zohn I mean, that went on for a while.

25:19 Drew Well, in a way, you know, you put the mentally ill in these horribly stressful situations and there you go.

25:24 Adam You're calling Ethan? No, all that energy, what we're talking about with Sue freaking out on Jeff was that's the victim. That's the victim stuff. And that's like when you're in front of somebody in the market and they start crying and they're looking at you and they're screaming, and tears are pouring down over a thing of dinty more stew. And you think, well, what's the big deal? Like every time you say to yourself, and you spend your whole life going, what's the big deal? I don't understand. All I did was honk at the guy and he started to, or all I did was this, or I cut in front. That's what that is. That's not necessarily raped by uncle, but you're not getting what the situation is. The situation with Hatch was almost nothing. That was a two and everyone got a 10. All right, let's take a little breakthrough. I get one of those buffs on me. All right, Ethan here from Survivor. We'll be right back.

26:17 Caller Loveline. To find a testing location near you, call toll-free 1-866-344-K-N-O-W. Hey there, buddy.

26:35 Adam That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Ethan Zohn is here from Survivor. You know, better as Ethan from Survivor. Just got voted off. Very exciting. My favorite show. I did not, I don't like to see The Perennials go. It's a very interesting game in that there are folks like Colby got voted off, Ethan got voted off. Some of the strong dominant types will get voted off. And then there'll just be some sort of 40 something year old mousy chick that just flies right under the radar for like two months. It's incredible.

27:11 Ethan Zohn But do you value that way of playing the game? Do you think that's a good way? I mean, if you look now, if you look at the people left now. Yeah. Everyone, there's only three people left that have been in the final four. The rest have never made the final four.

27:23 Adam Oh really? And the rest, what is there, nine?

27:26 Ethan Zohn There's 10 left. 10 other people?

27:27 Drew Did you vote prominent people off? No. People that could challenge you?

27:32 Ethan Zohn I played the opposite. I tried to stick with them because I felt we could protect each other.

27:38 Adam It's sort of like a golf tournament where Tiger Woods gets knocked out early and then there's three guys who you never heard of or sort of playing for the cup. And it's sort of, in one way, it makes it exciting because it's like, wow, who wants to see Tiger Woods win again? On the other hand, I don't know these guys' names and they're not exactly captivating the nation. And Survivor is really interesting because you would just think, well, Survivor, the strongest survive, you're going to get the biggest buffest sort of ex-Marine type of guy who's going to win the whole thing every time. I mean, just going in, I would have thought that you would not think that a post-menopausal housewife from Idaho could hang in much longer than a lot of the guys. But the reason they do is because they don't pose a threat. They can have their alliances. They can sort of fly under the radar. Like you don't even really notice they're there. It's an interesting dynamic that the women and that the weaker links end up hanging around. Sometimes a strong person will drag a weak person in, just like when they put a few goats on the ship so they can slaughter them at sea. They drag them along with them. They're going to bleed them at some point, and then somehow the goat gets loose and stabs them in the ass on the 17th week, Drew. Do you understand?

28:58 Drew Exactly what I was thinking. It's the very image I had.

29:02 Ethan Zohn It's always the goat.

29:03 Adam It's the goat that gets loose and stabs you in the ass.

29:06 Drew Chupacabra got loose on the boat.

29:07 Adam Chupacabra. That's right.

29:10 Drew All right.

29:11 Adam So where are we, Drew?

29:12 Drew We're going to play a little Germany or Florida.

29:13 Adam Germany or Florida. This game is huge. I'm sure when you guys were on that island in Panama, you were probably past the time of playing Germany or Florida. Kara? It's a theme song. Hey.

29:30 Caller In February of 1994, a PDF.

29:33 Adam Kara talks like she has six retainers in her mouth.

29:36 Caller I'm from the valley.

29:38 Adam No kidding. I'm from North Hollywood. You can't get any flatter or more valley than that.

29:43 Caller My best friend lives in North Hollywood near the Thai temple.

29:47 Adam She should kill herself. See? That's it. That's what it says. Welcome to North Hollywood. Now, kill yourself.

29:56 Caller In February of 1994, a pediatric orthopedic was detained by authorities pending further investigation of charges of fondling young boys who were his patients. According to the authorities, one mother complained that in the course of 35 office visits, her son made for foot problems the boy was giving, was given 35 globlis rectal exams. Another said her son received a rectal exam before surgery on an ingrown toe nail. The orthopedist's attorney said the charges reflect differences in the interpretation of the way he practices medicine. Everyone has a different way they practice medicine.

30:32 Ethan Zohn Drew, so it's not normal to get a rectal exam before?

30:35 Drew I don't care how you practice it, that's not part of a foot exam.

30:38 Adam Really, the rectal?

30:39 Drew Not part.

30:40 Adam Really? How about them taking my underpants to operate on my hand? That's part, that's a healthy part of a hand surgery? Give me your underpants?

30:49 Drew Yeah, nor have I ever had a rectal exam being done without a glove.

30:53 Ethan Zohn All right.

30:55 Adam To me, that's, I don't know, one hand it's like this guy's a horrible pedophile, on the other hand, wow, what a doctor. No glove. You know what I mean?

31:03 Drew It's a commitment.

31:04 Adam Yeah. All right. This is tough. It smacks of Florida because everything evil smacks of Florida, but the pedophile seems like something that could really go nuts in Germany.

31:13 Drew Especially with the back door.

31:15 Adam And I don't know if they allow people with advanced degrees in Florida. I know they can practice outside of Florida. I'm not sure if people with more than a GED are actually let onto Florida soil.

31:26 Ethan Zohn I mean, 35 visits in Florida is a lot of visits. You know, Germany seems like you could do that.

31:31 Drew No, Germany can't because they're too busy. Because you can't get access.

31:36 Adam I'm going, I'm going to Germany. You're going to Florida.

31:41 Drew Drew goes Florida.

31:42 Adam Well, she did correct something. I heard her stumble over an officer. She sort of say officer and then she said authorities.

31:47 Caller And I don't know if she thought that officer authority, Adam, you're putting words in my mouth.

31:52 Adam Well, what did you say?

31:54 Caller I'm kind of dyslexic.

31:56 Adam Well, it's all this retainers are putting pressure on your brain.

32:01 Drew I'm going to Florida.

32:02 Ethan Zohn Ethan, I'm going to go. I'm going to go Florida.

32:05 Drew All right.

32:06 Adam What's the answer?

32:11 Ethan Zohn Score.

32:12 Caller I just want to say, I think you're really incredibly sexy.

32:18 Adam Yeah. I'm like the ugly Ethan. I think if somebody, if you had a blind date and I was the guy you're going on the blind date with and you talked me up enough, you would expect Ethan.

32:31 Drew But then you get Adam.

32:32 Adam Then you get me.

32:33 Ethan Zohn Have you ever grown up a throw?

32:34 Drew Ethan says something interesting about the health care in Germany.

32:36 Adam I could grow the throw out.

32:37 Drew People have a grave misconception. When you have universal health care, you can get it, but you got a wait line and you're limited your access because it's just not enough to go around. You just can't do that.

32:45 Adam They have that in Germany?

32:46 Drew You don't get to go wherever you want, wherever you want. No way. Like Canada, you have to come here to get your health care. That's true.

32:53 Adam That is true. There are all these other countries. I got these blowhards like my mom always sitting around. It's always first off. In Canada, they believe that you should, why don't you haul your fat ass up north then, honey? By the way, you should get out of North Hollywood then. But you love Canada, hit Canada, by the way. All you people that they're in Canada. But then why does everyone from around the world have to fly out to New York, Chicago or LA to get something fixed? You know what I'm saying? I didn't work for it. I got to fly into Mexico and get a gallbladder removed?

33:26 Drew I did work for Canadian Healthcare for a while because they had a contract with us because they can't meet the needs of their countries. They have to come down here and use our infrastructure. And then after doing it for a year, actually it's almost two years, they went, oh, sorry, new law. We're not going to pay our bill. Oh, really? Yep, new law.

33:41 Adam So it's Canucks owe you a few bucks.

33:43 Drew Yeah, that's it. Ten, we'll maybe give you 10 cents on the dollar if you agree. And we're not sure when we pay that.

33:49 Adam And the 10 cents not going to be one of yours.

33:51 Drew Two years of work.

33:52 Adam I have a picture of a guy and a horse and a queen and a Gordie Howe. So they owe you money, the Canadians do? I'll get it out of them.

34:01 Drew I'll shake that country like a piggy bank. What do you think of the liberal radio network?

34:05 Adam Oh, well, listen, if Janine Garofalo is going to be on, it's going to be funny because she's a funny, funny gal. I don't know. I mean, here, let me just say this about all that stuff, which is I don't think that people get into politics as much. I think people use it as an excuse. Howard Stern has a huge audience. He's very liberal about certain things. He's very Republican-oriented in other matters. It's like on one hand, he wants to say whatever he wants and not worry about the FCC. On the other hand, he's the first guy who wants to go over there and bomb Iraq. It's hard to categorize the guy. But one thing you can say about him is that he's talented and that he's funny.

34:51 Drew Entertaining.

34:51 Adam And entertaining. And I think often times when things fail like this liberal, whatever, which will probably fail in the short period of time, they'll say, well, America just wasn't ready for, no, America is ready for something funny and that wasn't funny or provocative and that wasn't provocative. That's what America is ready for. It's so easy and so convenient when people do it. Well, America's not ready.

35:16 Drew It was so funny too. In the interview in the New York Times, they were saying, well, liberals are such much nicer, compassionate human beings. I thought, wait a minute. I don't care which extreme you're in, if you're extreme left or extreme right, not nice. Not nice. Not interested in people, not interested at all. Interested in ideology, interested in being angry. Well, both extremes.

35:37 Adam Here's the thing. I come from a liberal environment and I always thought they were, because you think they're nicer because they're the ones who are anti-war, but they're the ones that are throwing paint on chicks with fur and they're very aggressive. That way. And you know, hey, I got Jesus in Hippo Flop. That's my art project. You guys got to pay for it by the way. Yeah, that's it. They're angry. All right, everyone's angry. Here's all I'm saying. How come liberals can't be funny and the right wing can be funny or provocative? Or how come? No, I'm not saying how come they can't. I'm not saying. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. Why are there so many successful sort of Rush Limbaugh types or Dennis Prager, whoever you name it. Bill O'Reilly types. And where is the left wing versions of that? How come they don't do well? They come on and they get spit out and they're off the air in no time. And I'll tell you why. It has to do with taking stands and making judgments. And the whole thing about the left wing ideology is we can't judge. We cannot judge. Look, what those people do in Iraq, what the Taliban does, what the government does, that's their culture. It's up to them to decide what to do with their own culture. It's their own, we cannot judge. For good or for bad, this is their angle. We can't judge. Well, when you can't judge, it doesn't make for very provocative listening. You know, you have to judge. Unfortunately, if you're sort of riding the fence and saying, well, everyone's entitled to their opinion and I can't tell you what to do and you can't tell me what to do, eh, this ends up being like oatmeal with no brown sugar. Yeah, why do you need a microphone to tell everyone to do what they're gonna do without you? You know what I'm saying? And I don't believe necessarily that the, you know, Rush Limbaugh believes in everything he says. He just says it like he means it. It gets people's eye-er up and next thing you know, you got ratings. All right. Now, during the break, I'm going to, I'm going to burn a cross on the lawn. Yes, yes, Drew.

37:35 Drew For ratings?

37:36 Adam No, because I believe 100% it's the right thing to do. No, I like radio. I like, I like when radio guys do this. This is like, I like when they go, Bob, listen, listen, hey, when I say, I say the masseuse, prostitute, you go see this person, you strip naked, they only oil you up, put their hands all over their body. Call me now, 1-800-L-8-1-9-1. If you think that this is not out and out prostitutes, give me a call, 1-800-1-9-1. They just stir things up. You know, half the crap they say they don't believe in.

38:08 Drew Anyway, it takes full, it exploits that fully. Phil Henry.

38:12 Adam Oh, Phil Henry.

38:13 Drew It takes full advantage of that.

38:14 Adam That's why he's a genius. All right, Drew, now that we've plugged every goddamn radio show but our own, is there some other, something on some Santa Monica Junior College stage you want to plug that's on at this time?

38:24 Drew We can plug the Girl Next Door Tickets at earthling.net so people... So we wouldn't have to embarrass. It is our show. It's our show. Our film, or what do they call it?

38:33 Adam I'll tell you what to do. I'll tell you what to do. Grab a pad and pencil or, in our listeners' case, a crayon.

38:40 Drew Or just a tree bark or charcoal.

38:43 Adam And a hunting knife you use to stab the prostitute with. And when we come back, Drew is gonna give you a...

38:49 Drew If we remember.

38:50 Adam A web address, if we remember, that has more letters in it than the Greek alphabet. Yes, Drew? How many does the Greek alphabet have?

38:59 Drew I don't know.

39:00 Adam Okay. All that college, huh? Look, Ethan over here knows.

39:03 Drew Where'd you go to college?

39:05 Ethan Zohn Vassar College.

39:06 Adam Vassar, not bad.

39:07 Drew Girl school.

39:08 Adam Oh yeah. And he's smart.

39:11 Ethan Zohn Used to be a girl school. 60-40 now.

39:13 Adam Smart.

39:13 Ethan Zohn That's smart.

39:14 Adam That was smart. Yeah. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hey everybody, it's Love Line. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1- Ethan is here from Survivor, my favorite TV show on Tomorrow Night, Drew. Cannot wait, gonna do my dance. But you know what? It will be with Head Hung Low, because Ethan was voted off. And a very troubling name.

40:04 Ethan Zohn Now I have time to see that movie you're talking about.

40:06 Adam That's right, what is that, Drew?

40:08 Drew You were gonna mention all these letters.

40:10 Adam Ah, yes, girl next door tickets at earthlink.net. I saw this movie. If you like going out of your house, you're gonna like this movie.

40:22 Drew You go to the Arc Light for free.

40:24 Go to the Arc Light for free.

40:25 Adam And let me tell you something about the Arc Light, Kitty. This is not the drive-in in the Impala with your dad breaking wind up on the front vinyl seat there. You know what I mean?

40:36 Drew April 7th, 7 p.m.

40:37 Adam That's right. You just go to girlnextdoorticketsatearthlink.net and you get yourself signed up for some free tickets there. Yes, Drew? You go see its movie. It's a good movie. I saw it already. Yeah, I could see things early. I get them all the way.

40:54 Drew Private screening.

40:54 Adam Yeah. I actually saw the 2004 Summer Olympics already. Yeah, they were good. We did all right. Good. America did pretty good. I don't want to spoil it for you guys.

41:06 Ethan Zohn I was a security over there.

41:08 Drew We can't even talk about it, can we?

41:10 Adam There was, well, I can't talk about it, but we did lose. We lost a bobsledding team, which shouldn't have been there during the summer anyway. And well, it's an important lesson. I think they learned. But Greece was a nice place, pretty good weather. And former Soviet Union did pretty good in boxing. And I don't want to give too much away. Cuba did pretty good in boxing in the heavyweight division. America, we did pretty good too. I won't give you a medal total because I don't want to ruin it for you guys.

41:38 Drew The weightlifting, clean and jerk, weightlifting, good.

41:39 Adam Clean and jerk, they did very well at that. And it was good. I'll tell you about the pentathlon, the cathalon.

41:48 Ethan Zohn Any new sports this year?

41:49 Adam They did some exhibition sports, I think, this year. I think, what do they have for the summer? They got rodeo clowning, where you actually jump out of the barrel in suspenders with the long cutoffs on. And by the way, rodeo clown. You know, like there's certain jobs that you get a little more poon tang than you deserve and are a little less dangerous and a little less thrilling than people make it out to be. And I will say firemen for this matter. Firemen, the chicks love firemen, society loves firemen. And it's great, but it's really for guys who just like hanging out with other guys and only working eight months, eight days out of the month. All right, they get paid pretty good. And yeah, there's danger involved, but not every day. Rodeo clowning. Every day. Every day. And it's gotta be the hairiest gig in the world because there's some, you know, 2,500 pound Brahma bull with a sheep shank knot on its nutsack, which is making it go insane, by the way, which I never even knew about. And your job is to dress up like you're in a Lucy skit and jump in front of it and get its attention. I mean, just being out in the rodeo ring would be enough. Just hiding in the barrel would be enough, but jumping out like, hey, hey Brahma bull, over here, look at me in the bright colors and the PF flyers.

43:11 Drew And by the way, the barrels have been used since 1840. We can't do something a little more safe, a little more modern.

43:17 Ethan Zohn And they train to do this. They go to school.

43:19 Adam They go to rodeo clown college. I'd be in there in a shark cage. They have to lower me in a shark cage.

43:25 Drew Think about clowns. I was reading about a patient with Asperger's syndrome. It was sort of an autistic-like thing. They think maybe Einstein had Asperger's. And they were saying that Asperger's have pathological fear of clowns. It's like they can't make sense of it. It's like just this scary, weird thing.

43:41 Adam So imagine you get a Brahma Bull with Asperger's syndrome.

43:44 Drew With a nut sack tied off.

43:46 Adam Yeah. Yeah. That's a hairy gig. Just getting thrown like a rag doll by these huge bees. And again, doesn't translate into one ounce of Puntang.

43:55 Ethan Zohn Nothing.

43:56 Adam Just death.

43:57 Drew I know. That's how you measure all human endeavor.

43:58 Adam You know how they take...

43:59 Ethan Zohn Maybe they're lady clowns out there too that they can hook up.

44:01 Adam They don't have... And if they are, they're bull dykes.

44:04 Drew Austin?

44:05 Adam Speaking of bulls. And let me tell you this, Drew. You know how they take their makeup off each night? With tears.

44:11 With tears. With tears.

44:15 Drew Let's all just think about that. Austin, what's going on?

44:19 Um, can you guys hear me?

44:20 Drew Yeah, you're 16.

44:22 Caller Yeah, um, yeah, sometimes, uh, when I'm masturbating, I'll get like these spots in my scrotum. And it's like really shiny spots.

44:34 Adam Mm-hmm.

44:34 Drew Yeah, are you sexually active?

44:36 Caller No.

44:37 Adam Shiny spots?

44:38 Drew Just irritation, just inflammation.

44:40 Adam Just put them in a rock tumbler? Slow down.

44:42 Drew It's where your things rub. It's on the scrotum, right?

44:44 Adam Yeah. How do you, uh, what are you even doing with your scrotum when you're beating off?

44:51 Drew It's just like jock itch and irritation from rubbing, that sort of thing, chafing.

44:54 Ethan Zohn Gold buns.

44:56 Adam Are you in a, are you in a weird position?

44:59 Drew No. No, no, I just think he's, it just happens to be examining his nuts at that time, so.

45:03 Adam Oh, I see. Yeah, like women do the breast exam in the shower.

45:07 Drew Guys say it's brutal exam.

45:08 Ethan Zohn It's always there. Right.

45:09 Drew For women, it's a sexual act?

45:11 Adam Yeah. I haven't gone, uh, no, but I have not gone at my sack in quite some time. I think I'm maturing.

45:17 Drew It's nothing, Austin, somebody should look at it just to be sure, but just some over-the-counter cortisone cream. Maybe you ought to tell Austin your theory about rape.

45:24 Adam Who, me?

45:24 Drew Yeah. And it being not a sexual crime. It's just any other kind of crime.

45:29 Adam True, we are leapfrogging.

45:31 Drew No, because he was talking about how, I was asking where their breast exam, he was masturbating and did a scrotal exam, and I was wondering where the breast exam had a similar sort of sexual nature to it.

45:42 Adam Well, rape, and I'll tell this to Ethan too, it is not a crime, it's not a sexual crime. It's a violent, it's a violent crime. It's a crime of violence.

45:56 Drew Just like law, like a bank bet.

45:57 Adam Where you come, you come though, but it's violent up until the point where you, but do not mistake it with a sexual crime.

46:06 Drew No.

46:07 Adam This is a violent, violent crime, which you do, you come.

46:12 Drew You ejaculate.

46:12 Adam You come, you ejaculate at the end. At the end, or that's how you know when you're done. Okay, that's the point. It is no different than a physical assault. That if I jumped into a liquor store, jumped over the counter, pistol whip, the servant behind the counter, and then came, it would not, Drew, would you listen to me? It would not be any, no different than if some guy was just walking out to his car at night, you know, out front of a bar. And I just came sailing out over the hood and just start smashing his head against the parking block and came, it would be no different than that. Do you understand? It is not sexual. It is a violent crime where you come. Yes, you ejaculate.

47:01 Drew Like every violent crime.

47:02 Adam Like every, and don't think our boys over in Iraq aren't ejac, it's war, that's all I'm saying.

47:10 Ethan Zohn So everything is rape.

47:11 Adam Everything is rape, that's my point.

47:13 Drew Or nothing.

47:14 Adam Or it's nothing, or it's nothing. All right, Ethan is here from Survivor. Speaking of rape, he got tossed off that island much sooner than he needed to, Drew, much sooner.

47:23 Ethan Zohn Ejaculated.

47:24 Drew Well, you ejaculated on. The crime was committed against you. Not sexual, not sexual.

47:29 Adam We're gonna take a little break. We'll be right back.

47:32 Alright guys, here's the deal. Looking to hook up?

47:34 Drew Call the Dateline.

47:35 Sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

47:37 Drew Call the Dateline.

47:38 One call is all you need to make.

47:39 Drew Call the Dateline.

47:40 Caller 1-877-889-DATE.

48:16 Adam Hey everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Ethan Zohn is here tonight. Yeah. I feel like I know Ethan.

48:25 Drew Ethan and I spent a weekend in Pittsburgh together.

48:27 Caller Really?

48:28 Adam Oh, yeah.

48:29 Drew In the day.

48:30 Adam Yeah?

48:31 Caller Yeah.

48:32 Drew No violent crimes. Yeah, yeah. Except, no violent crimes.

48:37 Adam All right, all right. Ethan, of course, you know, from Survivor Africa, where he won.

48:42 Ethan Zohn Yeah.

48:43 Adam Forgot about that. You know, I've been thinking about, you know, now that everyone's an All-Star, trying to sort out the ones who won from the ones that made it to week number five. And, yeah, Ethan's a big winner. Now, what, now you see.

48:59 Ethan Zohn The last of the winners on the All-Star.

49:00 Adam Oh, really, yeah. Nice. Yeah, so it's like you're the next number one loser.

49:04 Ethan Zohn Exactly.

49:05 Adam That's the way I look at my life.

49:06 Drew Number one losing winner.

49:07 Ethan Zohn Exactly.

49:08 Adam That's what I'm saying, yeah. You got a million dollars.

49:12 Ethan Zohn Yeah.

49:13 Drew Yeah.

49:13 Adam I know everyone talks about, no one wants to talk about what they do with their money. Ethan being, you're Jewish, right?

49:19 Ethan Zohn Yes, I am.

49:20 Adam All right, so you kept it. You didn't go out and do a Coke binge and buy yourself a set of pewter swizzle sticks or something and then get a nice ride and put big screen TV in it or something. No, not the Jews. They're very crafty that way, Drew. They craft their money. They're smart. They think about their kid's college and stuff like that. They invest. But the million dollars, does it end up coming in the form of one check?

49:47 Ethan Zohn One check, like two commas. Really? It's all there.

49:51 Adam Wow. So you physically get to see the check that says one million dollars with your name on it.

49:57 Ethan Zohn Yeah, definitely.

49:57 Adam Wow.

49:58 Ethan Zohn It's pretty cool.

49:59 Adam And then you got to pay the taxes on it, right?

50:02 Ethan Zohn I just took it to one of those checks cash books.

50:04 Adam You just hammered. They got 150 grand. They take their 15% for it. Standing in line behind a bunch of El Salvadorian guys. And right next door to the pawn shop to get his guitar out. So, one million dollars. And do you just, how's it work? Do you just immediately pay the taxes on that? Does somebody tell you what it is? Does the government do it?

50:28 Ethan Zohn No expense.

50:29 Adam I mean, you just, you can't write off, like chapstick and a loin cloth or something?

50:35 Ethan Zohn I incorporated myself. Right. I made a business out of myself with a little bit of a tax break. Right. I actually, I started a charity with my million dollars. Smart, that's right.

50:43 Drew With the million?

50:44 Adam Shield Charity, bury the money. Keep the, yeah.

50:47 Ethan Zohn 401c3.

50:48 Drew In the Bahamas, yes.

50:49 Adam Right, offshore. Smart, smart. So with the million dollars, what did the government want out of that?

50:57 Ethan Zohn In New York City, it's pretty steep. And it was something around between 43 and 46%.

51:05 Adam Right, so.

51:06 Drew Getting close to California.

51:07 Adam Yeah. So here's the whole thing, kiddies. Go ahead and just whack everything in half, pretty much. I mean, now I don't know what it would have been if you were in Vegas, for instance.

51:19 Drew It would have been 38%, something like that.

51:21 Adam They don't have.

51:22 Drew No state taxes.

51:23 Adam State taxes, so it would have been in the 30s or something. I think people are under the misinterpretation that you tax like 30%. No, you win a million dollars. Just go ahead and whack that in half.

51:35 Ethan Zohn I tried to claim it in Africa, but it didn't work. Oh, that would have been great.

51:39 Adam You could have bought a tribe to war on your behalf, like a violent coup, take over the US government. Oh, so basically you walk away with $572,000 or whatever it is. Not bad for a few months work, but again, a million dollars ain't a million dollars. Two million dollars is a million dollars. And good times there. There you go. Now here's my whole thing. This is all I want. To me, Ethan has paid his debt to society. Single man, right?

52:13 Ethan Zohn Yeah. Well, I have a girlfriend.

52:14 Adam You have a girlfriend, but you have no children.

52:16 Ethan Zohn No, no.

52:17 Adam No dependents. Yeah, you're not on the dole. You're not on welfare. You're not taxing anything. You're not taxing any system. You don't have eight illegitimate kids that are all being taken care of and well-being. He's doing nothing. He's just a single guy. Basically, he's just banging his way through New York. That's all he's done. He paid 500 grand. Let's leave him alone. He's done.

52:39 Drew For how long?

52:41 Adam Six months.

52:42 Drew Or can we give him his own cop?

52:44 Adam Oh, that's what I want. I want my own garbage man.

52:46 Drew Garbage man.

52:47 Adam Yeah, let's leave him.

52:48 Ethan Zohn He paid a million.

52:48 Adam And here's the whole thing. This is what I don't like.

52:51 Ethan Zohn This free parking I'd be happy with.

52:52 Adam Yeah, you should get a little something. Like here's the thing. When you go into a casino, this is what I have to yell at my mom all the time. Cause she's always like, well, you think it's fair that you should give, ba-ba. Look, look, here's the deal. I pay in one year what you've paid in 50 years. How come I don't get a little more? Like here's the deal. You go to a casino, you see some schlump playing the nickel slots. You think he gets his room comped? No. You see the high roller in there. He's got hundreds of thousands of dollars of chips in front of him that he's parting with. He gets the comped room. It's just good business. They don't give it to him cause they feel sorry for him. It's a business. It's how they do it. You want to play the nickel slots? You don't get anything. You get a watered down Tom Collins. That's it. You get a couple of hookers and a penthouse if you're going to part with a few hundred thousand dollars. Why can't we have that? And by the way, as I've screamed at my mom too, when we were talking about this, about wanting my own garbage man, because I paid a million dollars in taxes last year, whatever the hell it was. Here's my own thing. She's like, well, why should you? Here's what I say, you want to pay a million honey and get your own garbage man? No, I didn't think so. And quiet down, pass the lentil stew, horrible. All right, am I right? You should be done or get your own garbage man. Yeah, for sure. Like when you get a parking ticket, you should be able to go, paid 500 grand. Don't need to pay the 3650. That's right, thank you. Amber?

54:19 Drew You're 16?

54:21 Adam What's happening?

54:22 Okay, wow, I had a boyfriend about a year and a half ago and he cheated on me constantly while having sex with my friends and stuff.

54:33 Drew How old was he?

54:34 At the time I was 15 and he was 18. And then, well, now that the boyfriend that I have right now, I'm 16 and he's 21.

54:43 Drew Oh, much better, get an older one that's better.

54:45 Smart. That's because I don't look my age.

54:49 Drew No, I'm being facetious.

54:50 Uh-huh.

54:51 Drew I'm not being serious.

54:53 Adam Oh, you don't look your age, but you are a nine-year-old.

54:56 Drew Yeah, you are.

54:57 Adam Maybe a little less than your age.

54:59 Oh, just like the whole point is that I don't trust him. And I met him online or.

55:06 Drew We don't trust him either. So there you go. You shouldn't trust him. There's certain situations you shouldn't trust people.

55:12 Yeah, and then like, I totally trusted him though. Like everything was going great. And then I was online one day, I stayed home from school and I was online and I acted like I was somebody else. I had a different screen name and everything. And he started talking to me and telling me that he was gonna give me his number and everything.

55:30 Drew There you go. There, that's it. That's who you're dealing with. That's who that guy is.

55:33 Adam What a shock.

55:34 Drew By the way.

55:35 Adam Where do you think he met this guy? Yoga class, by the way, he met him online. That's what he does.

55:39 Drew And by the way, a good measure, a good sort of yardstick for not trusting someone is when there are a criminal. And a 21 year old, a 16 year old, it's criminal.

55:50 Adam Yes. Unless you're in Hawaii or four other states, which makes things very confusing for us when we travel. Yes, Drew?

55:57 Drew For you.

55:58 Adam Yes. Amber?

55:59 Drew Because you commit violent crimes.

56:01 Adam Yeah. Well.

56:02 Drew Same thing. Same thing.

56:03 Adam Same thing. Amber, okay, you're right. Look, where's your dad? Who's not supervising you? That is a shock. Where is your dad? What happened to him?

56:16 Caller I was really small.

56:21 Adam Shocking.

56:23 Drew It's just, that's the pattern.

56:24 Adam Of course he did. So that's who you hook up with. It's great that you're attracted. That's just people in general, the human conditions. You're attracted to really the horrible, venomous, abusive people. Only if you had that in your life already. Fantastic. All right, so Amber, break up with this guy.

56:45 Drew All right, well what are you calling about then?

56:48 Adam Well listen, leave us alone then, but here's the thing. Please do not get pregnant, goofball. All right, that's all I care about then. All right, look, here's the thing everybody. I'm into cutting my losses as a society. Look, you guys can get your hearts broken, you might get beat up, you might get a venereal disease, but if you don't get pregnant, I'm still gonna look at it as a small victory for society.

57:12 Drew Well at least the next generation won't be continuing to be victimized.

57:15 Adam Maybe next time Ethan wins survivor, he gets to keep 550 grand. See what I'm saying? Keep inching toward 700 grand. All right, it's a good time.

57:27 Drew See the problem here is you're heartless. The deal is you're heartless. You don't care for other people, that's why you don't wanna pay your taxes.

57:32 Adam It's like I'm, I gotta motivate people, that's all.

57:35 Drew That's heartless, how dare you?

57:37 Adam Yeah, communism's really worked out. Look at all the communist countries. See the, all those people dying each year on inner tubes trying to get to Cuba. Wait a minute, they're not going toward Cuba, they're coming here. Gee, what does that say? Hmm, well, the weather's so horrible over there in Cuba, you know, beaches polluted. No, they're trying to get here. Isn't that about all you need to know? And when are we gonna bomb Cuba? Are we done with Cuba? We just go kill Cuba. Let's just go, look, we've had an ass full of you. Fidel, whatever, look, we're just gonna clean you out. You're done, it didn't work. You guys, here's the thing about Cuba. You guys put your money on the wrong goddamn horse. That's all there is. That's all there is.

58:19 Drew What, on a sick guy?

58:21 Adam Yeah, no, they, yes, Cubans took a, yes, a sick guy and let them run their country, but then Fidel Castro put his money on the wrong horse. He bet on Russia. And you know what? Your horse lost. Now let's take our horse and bomb your horse. That's it. So let's get Cuba. Let's go, let's get the mob back in Cuba. Those people haven't seen a new car in 55 years. Let's get the mob back there. Get a casino. Ethan's living in New York. Just, you know, just, what was it? Two hour plane flight or something. How long is it gonna take to get from there? You'll be hanging in Havana, smoking some cars, a prostitute, gambling, violent crimes, violent crime, leaving a trail, literally a trail of violence back to the hotel room. You know what I'm saying, Drew? I'd like to go to Cuba.

59:08 Drew It's great, it's beautiful.

59:09 Adam Drew's been to Cuba, yes.

59:11 Drew Beautiful.

59:12 Adam You had an audience with Fidel. He's just like an old man who-

59:15 Doesn't look old at all.

59:17 Adam He just, yeah, but when you have a full beard and you wear that Gomer Pyle cap at 35-

59:22 Drew And the little Gomer Pyle jumper with the grenade belt.

59:26 Adam Really, the grenade belt?

59:27 Ethan Zohn Yeah, yeah.

59:28 Drew It's crazy.

59:29 Adam Someone's gotta pull the pin on one of those things. Can't get rid of this guy? He just sat there and told baseball stories first, three hours.

59:38 Drew Three hours. And was angry when people said that, you know, we got to the center.

59:42 Adam I gotta go number two again.

59:44 Drew He made no sense, he was derailed. It really is not a well man.

59:47 Adam Yeah, that's all right. That's all right. He's doing a great job. His little experiment worked, yes?

59:53 Drew Of course.

59:54 Adam We can't judge. We can't judge. Just because they're killing themselves trying to get to this country, it's all the same. We have a horrible country. Raquel?

1:00:02 Caller Hi, I have a question for Dr. Drew.

1:00:05 Adam What's up, baby doll?

1:00:06 Caller Anytime after I orgasm and I go pee, like it burns really bad.

1:00:12 Drew That's when you masturbate or just during sex?

1:00:14 Caller Well, either one I've noticed, like either time.

1:00:17 Drew Do you try to pee immediately after orgasm?

1:00:21 Caller No, it's just like, I use the bathroom afterwards and it like burns.

1:00:24 Drew How long afterwards?

1:00:25 Caller Well, like just when I have to go like maybe five minutes afterwards or later on.

1:00:31 Drew Could you wait longer?

1:00:32 Caller Yeah, I've waited longer and it just hurts.

1:00:35 Drew It still burns.

1:00:36 Caller Yeah.

1:00:37 Adam Irritation or venereal disease, Drew?

1:00:41 Drew Germany or Florida? What Adam is alluding to is that your urethra is either spasming or irritated and flamed in some way and sexually transmitted diseases. Yeah, you should be checked, but I don't think that's actually what's happening. I think you're probably sort of mechanically irritating the area. Are you putting things inside?

1:01:04 Adam You're having sex, right? Oh, this is masturbation.

1:01:10 Drew Try doing it without putting something inside. See if you feel the same thing.

1:01:13 Caller Okay.

1:01:14 Drew Okay, you may not.

1:01:16 Caller All right.

1:01:16 Adam I experimented with not putting something inside once and it paid dividends.

1:01:20 Drew Did it? You still had an orgasm without something erecting?

1:01:23 Adam Mm-hmm. Yeah, remember those glasses you thought you'd lost in Meerschmeck? Turns out I found them.

1:01:32 Drew Are they still keister? Are they?

1:01:34 Adam A part of them because the arm broke off.

1:01:36 Ethan Zohn So they weren't in the case.

1:01:38 Drew I can arrange a new temple. Yeah.

1:01:41 Adam Yeah. They were Duke Focald, they call them. Yeah. Are you okay? Is everything good? Were you abused? You sound like a mess.

1:01:54 Ethan Zohn All right, baby.

1:01:56 Adam Take a nap, huh? They say kids aren't getting enough sleep, Drew.

1:02:01 Drew Yeah, I did a CNN thing about that.

1:02:02 Adam You did? But did anyone say it's because they're just playing Xbox and watching porn on the internet and eating junk food? It's not like they're out in the fields or anything.

1:02:11 Drew About half of kids had a television in their room. 20% of babies had a TV in their room.

1:02:16 Adam Really?

1:02:16 Drew 20% of babies. And that was thought to be one of the major contributing factors. The kids with the TV in their room slept less well, had more difficulty going to sleep, that sort of thing.

1:02:25 Adam Really?

1:02:26 Drew Isn't that crazy?

1:02:27 Adam Yeah. Well, what is it?

1:02:29 Drew What is what?

1:02:29 Ethan Zohn I had a TV in my room.

1:02:30 Adam You did?

1:02:31 Drew See, look at this mess. It's a mess.

1:02:33 Adam Son of a bitch. You had a TV in your room when you were a kid? For a while.

1:02:39 Drew It was awful.

1:02:40 Ethan Zohn Small one. I mean, if that had any consolation.

1:02:42 Adam Well, it probably helped. Yeah.

1:02:45 Drew Drew. Yeah.

1:02:46 Adam What do you got there?

1:02:47 Drew There's this promotion.

1:02:47 Adam When did you have a TV in your room?

1:02:50 Drew For a while, like from, it seemed like seven to ten, something like that.

1:02:55 Adam I had a piece of sheet metal, I had a piece of foil put up, I could see my own reflection in it sometimes.

1:03:00 Drew Mine was almost like that.

1:03:01 Adam That was extravagant. Yeah. But you have the zenith with the metal thing, you have to bang the crap out of it.

1:03:06 Drew And it had that sound that you don't even hear today, that sheet metal.

1:03:11 Adam Makes a buzzing sound.

1:03:12 Drew Buzzing and all that stuff. It had a little dial on the side. Yeah.

1:03:16 Adam And it sounds, people, kids today, they don't realize that, like, like, like your TV sound more like a space heater when it got a little out of whack, started buzzing.

1:03:25 Drew But when you pounded it, it sounded like, you know, your school locker. That's what it sounded like.

1:03:30 Adam Yeah, that's what ours sounded like. You guys don't realize that a lot of the exercise we got was beating the crap out of our appliances. Like, you could go at stuff, toaster ovens, TV sets, you could punch and pump stuff, slamming stuff. You used to beat the crap out of the phone a lot, remember a lot of phone violence? Now everything's got a chip in it. It goes to hell. Like, you can't take a flat screen TV and just start socking it. You'll destroy it. My TV is like, it responded to violence. Like, forget about the violence on TV. This violence that was on TV, it was on top of the TV.

1:04:05 Drew Every TV.

1:04:05 Adam I was physically violent on it.

1:04:07 Drew It hit a vertical hole problem.

1:04:09 Adam On TV. You get it, Drew?

1:04:11 Drew On the TV.

1:04:12 Adam On the TV. Not in on TV, on, pow.

1:04:16 Drew But they all would flip. They'd have that vertical problem.

1:04:19 Adam Yeah.

1:04:19 Drew And then you'd pow, boom, it would shape right up.

1:04:22 Ethan Zohn Yeah, I know that.

1:04:24 Adam What kind of invention was this that a sock from a 13-year-old would straighten it out for 10 minutes? And it was like, who's going to kick the ass out of the TV? I'll do it. Get up. By the time you got there, you're pissed, too. It's like you'd been watching the...

1:04:40 Ethan Zohn It's haunting you.

1:04:41 Adam Yeah. You'd been watching the Christmas special spin for too long, and so now you've got to have a steam pow.

1:04:45 Drew But now that you had a special rap for it, you knew exactly that... It was like...

1:04:50 Adam You were like Fonzie.

1:04:51 Drew It was like, toom. Particular rap. Right. Anyway.

1:04:55 Adam You know another thing I like, too, is how the guys... And this is a real white trash move, but this would happen, too, where if the knob busted off and that knob, the channel, busted off, and they would always bust off because it was the same thing, that there was a metal, there was like a metal prong, that the prong, the metal was a half axle, it was like a half moon, it was a half, half, half round, is what we call it in Carbondale, and it came out, and it was a plastic knob that went on to it. And eventually, the plastic would snap, the little skirt that went over the thing would bust off, and then you were on needle nose plier patrol from that point on. But evidently, there was no such thing as a replacement knob. You could not fix a knob, you could not buy another knob. You could buy another knob, it would come with a new set around it, and then you'd take your 29 cent knob. So that was it. There was pliers, and the pliers sat on top of the TV set, and for the next six years, you would switch channels using the needle nose pliers. What is that? Would that happen today? So you'd get a knob, you'd get on the internet, and you'd just get a knob, or you'd get a new set, or you'd just throw the thing out.

1:06:01 Drew And, by the way, that was again the 70s, everything that took full form.

1:06:08 Adam Now we're doomed to ten years of channel locks.

1:06:11 Drew And by the way, part of the reason that the thing always came apart was the television always had an on and off button that pulled out and pushed in, and you couldn't use the volume unless you pulled it out.

1:06:21 Adam Were they ever just effing with us in the 70s? Were they not?

1:06:24 Drew Yes.

1:06:24 Adam Everyone was just effing with us.

1:06:25 Ethan Zohn The first remote control is that it clicked with the sound.

1:06:28 Adam Yes, it's those things you use to train dolphins. Throw some herring at the set and click it.

1:06:34 Drew That's what we're talking about.

1:06:35 Adam Well, it's good times.

1:06:36 Drew Hey, good times. We're having a promotion. For all the calls tonight, for 17 years or older, they'll get on the air. They will be sent two tickets to The Girl Next Door starring Alicia Cumberb.

1:06:45 Adam Fantastic film.

1:06:46 Drew Yeah, Adam's side.

1:06:47 Adam Alicia's going to be in here, by the way. She says, smoking hot.

1:06:51 Drew You'll be able to see it in your town, so whatever it's being played aired in your town. And for those of you in the LA area, anyone, not necessarily those of you that get on the air tonight, anyone that has a computer, go to earthlink.net. The website is girlnextdoortickets, girlnextdoorticketsatearthlink.net. And you just get passes to go to the Arclight on April 7th.

1:07:13 Adam Fantastic.

1:07:14 Ethan Zohn Doesn't get better than that.

1:07:17 Drew And we had a shameful response last night by our listeners.

1:07:20 Adam So let's get focused, let's get focused, stoners. And these kids got computers today, you know. We had one, but you had to work with the pliers and beat the ass out of it. All right, who decided, by the way, that the first ten years of computers, they had to be like an eerie flesh color? It's creepy seeing, especially since computers were eventually, every sci-fi move I had, the computer eventually took over the planet and killed you. Did it have to have an eerie, sort of weird peachy flesh color to it? How about just a nice brushed aluminum or silver color or maybe like anthracite or something?

1:08:00 Drew Here's another weird thing about the computer. I was to explain this to my son. When the computer, the idea of the home computer came around or the computer in your house stuff, we never imagined it doing anything other than computation. It was going to be like a big calculator.

1:08:14 Adam You're going to be done with your math homework in no time with this baby.

1:08:16 Drew Word processing. You're going to be like, what? Informate. No. Just a big compute. It computed.

1:08:23 Ethan Zohn Right.

1:08:23 Drew Computer. That's what it did. It computed.

1:08:25 Ethan Zohn Right.

1:08:26 Adam Now, it's nothing but bizarre stump porn. That's all it does is bring bizarre macabre porn into your home.

1:08:34 Drew And the trailer for Pornhub.

1:08:35 Ethan Zohn What do you think of the new.xxx thing? Are you a fan of that?

1:08:38 Adam What? I didn't know what that is.

1:08:39 Ethan Zohn Oh, they're creating a new domain just for porn sites. Oh, really?.xxx.

1:08:45 Adam I should be getting a call from my agent soon. They're going to have me do this. It's non-ID, but you will be doing some voiceover work for.xxx company. All right. Ethan Zohn is here now. We'll take a quick break. Survivor, best show on TV, everybody. Besides Crank Yankers, oh yeah, Crank Yankers, Drew. That's my show. That's a great show. If you love puppets and you love comedy, you got to love that Crank Yankers. All right. Let's take a little break. We'll be right back.

1:09:11 Loveline, we'll be right back.

1:09:26 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Ethan's got a few things other than Survivor up his sleeve that we have not discussed.

1:09:40 Drew He's got something, a prop he's brought.

1:09:42 Adam He's got invention. He's got invention, which I was, see here's-

1:09:46 Ethan Zohn You'd appreciate it.

1:09:47 Adam Well, I'll tell you, I sold the man short because producer Ann said he wants to plug the Grassroots Soccer, which is where they cause it. Everyone knows Ethan's very much involved with soccer. Then he's got an invention. I was like, was it a new cleat or is it some sort of training ball? Was it a ball with a tennis? She's like, no, it's got nothing to do with soccer. I thought, wow, I like that. He's got invention. That's like when a fat comedian gets up there and doesn't talk about being fat. I like that guy even if he's not funny. So even as this invention sucks, the fact that it's nothing to do with soccer is very compelling to me. Yeah. Well, what is it?

1:10:27 Ethan Zohn What do you got? It's the easy crunch ball and this will revolutionize your cereal eating experience.

1:10:31 Adam Really? Because, yeah, I'll tell you, let me tell you the problem with cereal and me, Drew.

1:10:35 Drew Mush.

1:10:36 Adam It turns to mush almost immediately. And to the point.

1:10:40 Ethan Zohn What you see here is your cereal ball. It's a classic style developed, the split level developed in the 1970s. What you have here is your cereal.

1:10:47 Drew Take that out of that pitch. The 70s.

1:10:50 Ethan Zohn Well, we're talking about the 70s earlier, full circle. Right.

1:10:53 Adam Right. So yeah, because here's the thing. When you you pour the cereal, then you pour the milk and it's a race against the clock. And, you know, the worst thing hamps like the phone will ring and you'll be, uh, come on, I got to get off. I got the cereals going. The clock started.

1:11:06 Drew OK, so how does this work? Where's the milk and where's the crunch go?

1:11:09 Ethan Zohn Basically, it's a swimming pool with a shallow and a deep end. Cereal goes up in the shallow and milk goes in the deep end. When you're ready for a little extra crunch, you just tap the cereal over the deep end.

1:11:19 Adam Uh-huh.

1:11:19 Ethan Zohn Now, this is just the prototype.

1:11:20 Adam Sure.

1:11:21 Ethan Zohn I have the other version here, which is a little more.

1:11:25 Adam The non-prototype version of it?

1:11:27 Drew No, the arts, arts and crafts version.

1:11:29 Ethan Zohn The arts and crafts version of it, yeah.

1:11:31 Adam Wow.

1:11:32 Ethan Zohn What you can see here.

1:11:33 Adam The drawings of it. Wow, it's beautiful.

1:11:35 Ethan Zohn It's got a little slide down there. It's a 3% gradient down here. So the milk does get caught up top in the shallow and it'll slip down into the deep end.

1:11:44 Adam Wow, and that's a stoner size bowl too.

1:11:46 Ethan Zohn This is, yeah.

1:11:47 Adam Yeah, nonetheless, there's nothing wrong with that. Here's the thing about that.

1:11:50 Ethan Zohn You can really see the mechanics.

1:11:51 Adam Here's the thing about the cereal bowl is you end up filling it up three or four times and milk gets screwed up. What do we got here, Drew?

1:11:57 Drew There's a little ramp going down the side here and as we put the, what does this remind you of?

1:12:01 Adam It, what is this remind you of?

1:12:03 Ethan Zohn Something from your childhood.

1:12:04 Drew With the little ramps going down here and then the fluid goes here. And then here's the island up here, a little pond.

1:12:09 Adam Gilligan's Island? Oh, it's a turtle.

1:12:11 Drew Every child of the 6th had one of these.

1:12:14 Adam Yeah.

1:12:14 Drew Turtle.

1:12:15 Adam Ask me if I had one, Drew.

1:12:16 Drew You'd ever accept Adam. Adam had nothing.

1:12:18 Ethan Zohn And sea monkeys.

1:12:20 Drew You know the turtles. You'd get these, they probably have the mold out there because there were a gajillion of these out in the 60s and 70s.

1:12:26 Adam I had a ball of foil.

1:12:27 Drew You'd put your turtles, they used to sell little turtles. And the turtle would have a swimming pool and an island, they'd be able to palm tree.

1:12:35 Adam And you know what?

1:12:36 Ethan Zohn And it's good for soup and chowder too. You know, you keep your crackers up here and your soup and chowder down.

1:12:39 Adam That's nice. That's nice. To me, I like a dedicated bowl. I don't like to eat cereal out of the bowl I ate the minestrone out of the night before. You know what I'm saying, Drew? Dedicated bowl. Just a cereal bowl. You got a soup bowl. You got the bowl your mom uses to give you the haircuts. Salad bowl. That's a good idea.

1:13:00 Drew This is a Zohn bowl.

1:13:02 Ethan Zohn I mean.

1:13:02 Adam And I, you know, I'll tell you, first off, it's a long, long overdue. Because man has been plagued by the cereal going south dilemma since cereal was invented. Possibly before that.

1:13:14 Drew Ethan's got a catchy enough name. It's just got a punchy syllable. Just call it the Zohn.

1:13:20 Ethan Zohn Well, the easy, the whole Ethan Zohn, easy crunch bowl.

1:13:22 Adam Easy crunch bowl. And now how much would something like that retail for?

1:13:26 Ethan Zohn Six for $19.95.

1:13:28 Adam Oh, you get six of that?

1:13:29 Drew So different sizes and things?

1:13:31 Ethan Zohn Well, this isn't the real size, but yeah. And they are, they will be stackable. This one isn't, but yeah.

1:13:38 Adam Nice. And Ethan was telling me, and they don't usually do this when they sell kitchen products, horrible time cleaning it up. Horrible, horrible. I like this one commercial where they went, look, this product is so good that easy cleanup? No, not gonna try to sell. I'm not gonna lie to you. You're gonna spend the better part of three hours trying to get to this thing. And you have to have fingers like an Asian woman in order to get to some of the crevices in this baby. But that's how good a product it is. We're gonna rape you on the price. You're gonna spend all night cleaning it up. That's how confident we are in this product. Yeah, that's good.

1:14:18 Ethan Zohn Well, thanks.

1:14:20 Adam I will, sign me up.

1:14:21 Ethan Zohn I will, I will.

1:14:22 Adam And if you need some sort of spokesperson.

1:14:24 Ethan Zohn You can do it.

1:14:25 Adam When I'm done doing the XXX domain thing, I'll, hi, I'm Adam Carolla. Anybody, you know, and I'll do one of those bad TV commercial non-sequiturs. You know, I work late nights and then slide into whatever, before people can do the math. See, that's why I need, yeah.

1:14:42 Ethan Zohn No, you could do your show and eat cereal cause you wouldn't, you don't have to worry about getting soggy. You know, keep your cereal up here, do a whole segment, come back and then it's still crunchy.

1:14:49 Adam Right, you could, with a conventional bowl, and which by the way, have not made any improvements on the conventional bowl and what? Several million years, Drew?

1:14:59 Drew Oh, yes, yes, when they're, yes.

1:15:01 Adam Long before, I mean, I'm using the same bowl Christ used, right, Moses before him?

1:15:05 Drew Well before any of those guys, yes.

1:15:07 Adam And the same bowl?

1:15:08 Drew Same bowl.

1:15:09 Adam Same technology?

1:15:10 Drew Maybe originally on a rock, but yeah.

1:15:12 Adam It has not changed. I bet theirs would handle the microwave better than mine.

1:15:16 Drew Yo, yes.

1:15:17 Adam Oh, yes. What about this, microwave safe?

1:15:20 Ethan Zohn Oh, yeah. Dishwasher safe, unbreakable, it's all the muscle without the tussle.

1:15:24 Adam Wow, wow, wow. That's gonna be another one of my honesty campaigns. This is like, look, you will spend all night cleaning this device, and if you put it in the dishwasher, it will explode and take the house with it. You understand? It might take the nail a little bit, but it is that good a product. So no tussle with the muscle.

1:15:46 Ethan Zohn No, yeah, we're gonna put the crunch back in brunch.

1:15:49 Adam Oh, man, that is awesome. That is a great idea. And you know what, Drew, when I heard that it was a no-soggy bowl, I thought, how does this work? Compressors, conveyor belts, are they harnessing the power of the sun? No, very simple. Just a shelf up top. You put them in the milky, just throw the kiddies in the pool when you're ready to go.

1:16:11 Drew If you wanted to, somebody can make like a couple other layers, you know, because Adam would like to put pie mix, marshmallows and Count Chocula.

1:16:19 Adam Yeah, I like to cook up my own Lucky Charms. I don't buy Lucky Charms. I make, I buy the ingredients to Lucky Charms. I buy the blue diamonds and the red hearts and the coloring and stuff. And I actually, because I'm thrifty. Much like the Scottish are with the, much like the leprechaun on the box. He's thrifty. That's me. I make my own Lucky Charms and I save about $8 a metric ton. Really? Uh-huh. Make my own. You can do that with Count Chocula, Captain Crunchy, make your own. All right, ready to move forward here? Fantastic, by the way, Tickled Pink. Mary?

1:16:58 Hi.

1:16:59 Adam What's happening?

1:17:02 Well, I'm wondering if it's possible to get rid of a fetish.

1:17:07 Drew What do you mean by fetish?

1:17:09 Because basically, I mean, I'm not lying. I swear to Christ that since I was five years old, I've been fantasizing about just gaining weight and I've gone online, it's the whole like BBW thing and the feeders. A big beautiful woman. It's like pornography for heavy people. And some people get off on the idea of getting someone else to gain weight and then people like me get off on the thought of actually getting bigger.

1:17:52 Adam I mean, a lot of women have a lot of feelings and probably some sexual involved with the eating and that, the part of getting bigger or the process. And by the way, are you a cereal gal?

1:18:05 Not really. I really hate breakfast foods in general.

1:18:08 Adam All righty.

1:18:09 Ethan Zohn Well, you can use it for.

1:18:10 Adam Our audience never ever disappoints. We have the one Lord ass in Chicago doesn't eat a bowl of goddamn cereal.

1:18:16 Ethan Zohn But you know, what you can do is you can keep your ice cream up top and your steaming hot apple pie down here. You don't want to give it the big chill.

1:18:21 Adam Smart, yeah. Smart, scoop at a time. True. Is there, is there a human being? Is there a human being that doesn't like cereal by the way? I've never met a person because here's the thing. You may not like this cereal. You may not like Grape Nuts, but surely you like Frosted Flakes.

1:18:38 Drew I want to hear more about that.

1:18:39 Adam I've tried on one person that doesn't like cereal and she's got an eating fetish.

1:18:43 Drew She just got to say F you with whatever he's saying.

1:18:44 Adam Oh, screw you.

1:18:45 Ethan Zohn I want to hear the eating disorder.

1:18:47 Drew That's what I'm trying to sort out here.

1:18:48 Adam I can't believe our callers.

1:18:50 Drew It's more of what's called a paraphilia, which is a sexual thing, a perversion. As she's saying, fetish.

1:18:57 Adam How much do you weigh?

1:18:58 Ethan Zohn Turns her on to eat.

1:18:58 Adam Now that I hate you.

1:19:00 I'm 225 right now.

1:19:02 Drew But you actually like the getting heavy part, the growing part.

1:19:06 I personally, I don't want to get to, me personally, I don't want to get to a truly unhealthy weight, but there's all these stories about just-

1:19:14 Adam Look, you're 225.

1:19:16 Drew I'm curious, stories about what?

1:19:18 About just the feeding and you just, I mean, it goes from anything from just, you know, the sexual fantasy of feeding the woman to getting actually immobilized. That's how far it goes. And that's the spectrum. And there's all these meetings for like to get together. Who cares?

1:19:40 Drew What are you talking about? It's very strange.

1:19:42 Adam Yeah, we've talked about this before.

1:19:43 Drew Not like this. How come you don't eat cereal?

1:19:46 Ethan Zohn Big men? Or is it big women?

1:19:48 Five different web rings.

1:19:51 Drew Adam, this is not into heavy people. This is about making people, getting people to grow.

1:19:57 Yeah. And I mean, I remember being five years old and actually getting off to thinking about that.

1:20:05 Drew About what exactly though?

1:20:06 I didn't know what that was at the time. Well, about gaining weight.

1:20:10 Drew Was it filling up or gaining weight?

1:20:12 Gaining weight.

1:20:13 Adam Did you eat cereal when you were a kid? Every kid loves cereal.

1:20:18 I do like special K with the strawberries.

1:20:21 Drew Are they?

1:20:21 Adam All right, all right, all right. Okay, that's... Okay, you could do that with the two-story salad bowl. I mean, a soup bowl, the cereal bowl, the Zahn...

1:20:32 Ethan Zohn The easy crunch bowl.

1:20:33 Adam The easy crunch bowl.

1:20:35 And there's like over 30 different patents for different types of cereal bowls to keep your cereal from getting soggy. That's one of the random things that are lost in the...

1:20:44 Adam Yeah, well, I'll tell you something, baby doll. The 31st is the best. Everyone at the Pantone office knows.

1:20:50 Ethan Zohn I've never seen it out there.

1:20:51 Adam Lucky number 31, Ethan Scott.

1:20:53 Ethan Zohn I do have it.

1:20:54 Adam All right, all right. So, Alok, here's the thing. Let me say a couple of things. This is interesting. Especially if I actually don't like cereal.

1:21:02 Caller And it's a lot more widespread than...

1:21:04 Adam Sweeping the nation. Everyone loves fat checks. It's great.

1:21:07 Drew No, it's not about the being fat.

1:21:09 Adam No, I know. But it's also, that is an element of it, is being...

1:21:12 Drew Are they, is it about fat, too? Or is it about some...

1:21:15 Caller Yeah.

1:21:16 Drew It's about the overall...

1:21:17 Adam Yeah, stop making it more than what it is.

1:21:20 Drew I'm just curious, is it?

1:21:21 Caller No, it's not just the feeding aspect. It's actually about...

1:21:25 Adam Yeah, it's having...

1:21:26 Ethan Zohn The feeling in your clothes.

1:21:27 Adam One of these... Yeah, one of the tons of funds has a coronary and squashes you and you need to find you underneath a rotting...

1:21:36 Caller If you go online and just type in to a search engine, just BBW or...

1:21:42 Adam Oh, look, hold on a second. Are you saying that we would... We would not be shocked by anything. There's enough a-holes out there to keep every search engine searching for the rest of time. But now look, here's the thing. I want to tell you a couple of things, Mary. Number one, just because it's gone on as long as you can remember, doesn't mean it's a good thing. Like people do that where they go like, no, I was this way when I was five. All right, that just means you were effed up longer than most. It doesn't really mean anything. So it didn't happen last week. You've been effed up for 20 years.

1:22:16 Drew Well, she's saying it was right, but it wasn't a purely mature sexual thing. It was some sort of weird early thing. Right, all right.

1:22:22 Adam Number two, feel free to extricate yourself from this horrible life of yo-yoing. By the way, what kind of guys?

1:22:30 Caller I cannot get off unless I fantasize about this, no matter who I'm with.

1:22:35 Adam All right, well, you can fantasize about anything you want. I mean, Drew fantasizes about killing prostitutes. Does it mean he kills them all the time?

1:22:44 Drew Is there anything about your early childhood that we should know?

1:22:47 Caller Nothing with my early childhood. I mean, I'll admit my mother was an alcoholic, but that didn't come into play until after I was 10.

1:22:55 Adam Why not? She didn't start twinking until then?

1:22:58 Caller Well, I had both my parents in the house and she was able to control it and I never noticed anything.

1:23:07 Adam Right, but you still had, still alcoholic mom.

1:23:10 Caller Yeah, so I mean, I know I got a lot of issues.

1:23:13 Adam All right, so listen, Mary, how about this? And okay, it's your fantasy and you use it to have an orgasm, fine, but it doesn't mean you should immerse yourself in this lifestyle.

1:23:24 Caller That's what I'm trying not to do. I'm trying to stay just at one weight and possibly lose as much as I can, but every time I start thinking about that, then it all goes back into this and that's what I need to think about.

1:23:38 Adam Okay, well, once you think of, is there any way to get rid of the fetish? Think about some therapy.

1:23:42 Drew Yeah, and certainly not by trying to will it away yourself. I think it's a treatment issue.

1:23:47 Adam Stay away from that computer.

1:23:48 Caller Well, there's like five different clubs that meet like every other week.

1:23:55 Adam I know, stop doing it, though. I know, look, there's a lot of people that do heroin. Oh, Drew, there's so many, you don't understand. They do it all the time.

1:24:04 Drew They'll come deliver the goods right at your doorstep.

1:24:06 Adam Yeah, okay, don't do it.

1:24:06 Ethan Zohn It's a heroin club.

1:24:07 Adam Yeah.

1:24:08 Caller But if I was to get it like completely immersed in therapy, can you get rid of a fetish?

1:24:14 Drew You can control it. Yeah, diminish its importance.

1:24:17 Adam Yeah, that's what it is. It's really, a lot of therapy is just about getting you not to do stuff you want to do rather than- Everyone thinks you go there to get motivators or go get you to do, I'm gonna get that college degree, I'm gonna- Nah, stop beating off using your mom's panties. That's what not to do. Really. Isn't about 80% of therapy is what not to do, Drew? Thank you.

1:24:40 Drew All right.

1:24:41 Adam Ethan, salad bowl's on. He's got that cereal bowl. I'll tell you.

1:24:47 Drew It'd be good for salad too. I don't think things swim in the dressing sometimes. Or a vegetable dip.

1:24:52 Ethan Zohn Don't drown your food.

1:24:53 Adam Let's focus on Hefty Mary Buzzkill over here. First, the only fat chick in Chicago is not into cereal. Number one, not into it. How about some nice cereal? Don't like breakfast. Okay, number one. Number two, has to inform Ethan that there's over 30 patents on soggy-less cereal bowls.

1:25:15 Drew Thanks, Mary.

1:25:16 Ethan Zohn Like I haven't looked.

1:25:16 Adam Yeah, what a sweet pea you are. Isn't she angry? Oh, yeah.

1:25:22 Ethan Zohn But they're not stackable.

1:25:23 Adam Yeah, they're not stackable and-

1:25:26 Drew They're not on Ethan's name, I guess.

1:25:27 Adam They were not on Survivor. They don't have that-

1:25:31 Ethan Zohn Or Loveline.

1:25:31 Adam $570,000 seed money that he's filtering to the offshore account. That's right. And look at the Matinee Idol good looks. You know what inventors look like? Fat balding guys, like asexual guys with thick glasses.

1:25:46 Ethan Zohn Yeah, you can probably Google BBW.

1:25:47 Drew You can have a kosher version.

1:25:49 Ethan Zohn Oh, definitely.

1:25:50 Adam Bring the juice in, smart. There you go.

1:25:52 Ethan Zohn Little matzah Brian there.

1:25:53 Adam They're gonna haggle. And that's not a stereotype, it's just the truth, Drew. All right, we're gonna-

1:25:58 Drew Just saying.

1:25:59 Adam Just saying. All right, let's take a break. I'm gonna yell at Drew about this Mary during the break, too.

1:26:05 Drew It just was a weird, interesting twist on an old-

1:26:08 Adam I know, but I can't believe that she knew about- All I do is watch the History Channel. I never saw any patents for- I keep saying Salad Bowl, but it's cereal bowl. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:26:36 Caller Hey, everybody.

1:26:37 Adam It's Loveline. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-777. We don't need people. We don't need your stinking calls. We don't need your charity people. We got Ethan here from Survivor. Just freshly booted off the island. One to million in Africa. Speaking of Africa, it's got this organization called Grassroots Soccer. How does this work?

1:27:04 Ethan Zohn Well, basically what we do is we train the professional soccer players in a particular country about HIV and AIDS. Then they go into the schools and teach the youth about AIDS prevention. Simple concept.

1:27:14 Adam Smart.

1:27:15 Ethan Zohn But no one's doing it. It's like imagine taking Michael Jordan, stick him in the middle of Harlem and teach kids about drugs. Right. Same concept. A little positive role model thing.

1:27:23 Adam Yeah. Whose idea was this?

1:27:26 Ethan Zohn It's my idea.

1:27:26 Adam I'll tell you. This guy's the Thomas Edison of our time. He really is. I mean, if it's not figuring out ways to keep your cereal dry, it's free on a way to keep Africa AIDS free.

1:27:38 Ethan Zohn Trying.

1:27:39 Adam Yeah. Yeah, those folks-

1:27:41 Ethan Zohn Trying to combine the two.

1:27:42 Adam Maybe it'll help in the AIDS department over there.

1:27:44 Ethan Zohn Yeah.

1:27:45 Adam I'm not sure what goes on over there, but did they not use condoms? What's going on in Africa? What's the big problem?

1:27:53 Ethan Zohn That's probably one of the biggest problems. Yeah, no condoms and miseducation and just the culture. It's ingrained in the culture to be promiscuous, I guess.

1:28:03 Adam It is.

1:28:04 Ethan Zohn Yeah, it is. I mean, right now there's basically there's children and there's grandparents. There's no one in between. So many AIDS orphans.

1:28:10 Adam Really?

1:28:11 Ethan Zohn Oh yeah.

1:28:13 Adam Let me ask you this. After seeing the first guy in your village go down with AIDS and someone giving you the condom speech, how many guys you gonna hump after that? I mean, I know it's a different culture, maybe more primitive, we cannot judge. We cannot judge. But, you know, when you're just sort of, this isn't, we're not asking you guys to put a satellite up, we're just asking you to put the goddamn condom over the Johnson. What's the main obstacle to this?

1:28:44 Ethan Zohn I mean, if you're in a rural area and you're about to have sex, you're not gonna, and you don't have economy, you're not gonna get up and walk four miles to the corner store. You know, that's a problem. Right. But, you know, money, they don't have money to get condoms. Granted, they give them out for free, but, you know, if you don't have them.

1:28:59 Adam So is it, is it, is it, is it A, there's a lot of, you know, old habits die hard, but B, it's so spread out that you, it's hard to get information, everybody. It's hard to reach all the outposts.

1:29:13 Ethan Zohn A little bit, yeah.

1:29:13 Drew Do they understand what this is?

1:29:15 Ethan Zohn Yeah, I mean, it's, actually, it's very fascinating because they, a lot of the children that we teach, they do know the facts. They know, you know, what the AIDS virus is, they know how it's spread, but the actual understanding of it is not there. And they can regurgitate the facts, but they don't have an understanding of what it means. It's just, it's fascinating, actually.

1:29:32 Adam And, and do they, are they not sort of aware of their own, how sort of frail human life can be? I mean, do they think they're invincible, like most 18 year olds?

1:29:45 Ethan Zohn But they do think they have no hope. They think it's, I'm going to get it. You know, so there's no point trying not to get it. That's why we go in there and like, you know, we provide them with the right information and let them make the choice to leave a healthy lifestyle. But we give them the sense, you know, the self-efficacy to make these decisions. Like they can live a healthy lifestyle. They can live life without, you know, HIV free.

1:30:07 Drew Did they have stable families before all this hit?

1:30:09 Ethan Zohn Not really.

1:30:10 Drew No, no.

1:30:10 Adam That is a fantastic idea, getting the soccer stars.

1:30:15 Ethan Zohn Excuse me?

1:30:15 Drew The men didn't stay in the families?

1:30:18 Ethan Zohn Not so much. I mean, if a man passes away, you know, his brother will come and take over the family and get to sleep with the wife and the whole bit.

1:30:25 Adam Well, good times. I mean, you know.

1:30:26 Ethan Zohn Yeah, oh yeah.

1:30:27 Adam Then again, we cannot judge.

1:30:29 Ethan Zohn One of the common ways to cure yourself of age is to have sex with a virgin.

1:30:32 Adam Oh yeah. Cannot judge. We can't judge.

1:30:36 Ethan Zohn That's the important thing.

1:30:39 Adam Cannot judge. Every culture is the same. Kate? You're 18? I believe, if I was a virgin and I was running around Africa, I would put an M-80 up me. Just to get rid of that, I would get rid of that hymen, lickety split. You know what I'm saying? Start wearing stripper shoes, those big high stripper shoes. Big loose site ones. Yeah, I would not let anyone think I was a virgin. Kate?

1:31:09 Caller Yeah.

1:31:10 Adam You're 18? What's happening?

1:31:14 Caller Well, basically I was in a 11 month relationship that I got out of about six months ago. And right now I'm just trying to make sense about what happened in there. I've always been uncomfortable with engaging in sexual activity. He was my first year as boyfriend. Always had a little sex drive. He forced me into a whole bunch of sexual activity. I'm pretty sure I'm well, we fought about it a lot. It got to the point where he would make me talk before I would go home. I'd be in his car and I couldn't get him until I did something. I've been in a relationship for 11 months. I'm out of it. I'm with a new guy now going on two months. He is really understanding. We've talked a lot about what happened. He came out of a good relationship where he lost his virginity to a girl.

1:32:07 Adam Now, so what? What's the question?

1:32:09 Caller So I'm wondering, would that what happened in the last relationship be considered sexual abuse?

1:32:17 Drew And I mean, it's a very abusive relationship, not specifically sexual abuse, because that really implies a childhood sexual abuse. But you having sort of chosen that guy and tolerated that abuse does suggest that you've been taken advantage of or exploited at some other time in your life.

1:32:34 Caller But I don't understand because I had a good childhood.

1:32:37 Adam All right, well, look, it could have been a bad choice. It happens. You make a bad choice. Things sort of creep up on you before you know they're out of hand. But then you know you're healthy because you put an end to it. You got out of there.

1:32:48 Drew And that's it. And you should be able then to have normal intimacy going forward. If you can't, or if you get a post-traumatic stress reaction from this, that means that there was something that happened before. You just don't know what it was.

1:32:58 Adam I like the gas grass or ass guys. Nobody rides for free. I like those guys who drive the cars like, look, sweetie, before you get out of the car, I'm going to need a little something. And I mean, this baby doesn't fuel itself.

1:33:08 Drew Good times.

1:33:10 Adam That's Nova. It only gets to 15 miles a gallon. I have no idea. I'm going to mash the board. Let's take a break, Drew.

1:33:17 Caller Here we go.

1:33:18 Adam That's why he gets the big bucks. Yep. We'll be right back.

1:33:22 Caller All right, guys, bottom line, here's the deal.

1:33:24 Caller Looking to hook up?

1:33:25 Caller Sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:33:27 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:33:29 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:33:30 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:33:36 Caller Love Line with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:33:42 Caller We'll be right back.

1:34:06 Ethan Zohn Classic Alternate.

1:34:18 Adam All right, Drew, quit pouting. We get to go home now. Yeah. I do all the dancing around here, but at the end of the night, who's tired?

1:34:28 Drew Both of us.

1:34:29 Adam Drew. No, I could do another five hours of radio. And I intend on it. I'm gonna do overnights here.

1:34:34 Drew All right.

1:34:35 Adam All right, I'm gonna just stay here until Kevin and Bean show up at 4.45 in the morning. Ethan Zohn, everybody. God love that survivor.

1:34:43 Drew Thanks.

1:34:43 Adam God love soccer and the salad bowls and all things that Ethan stands for. And I want to thank Diamond Limo for dragging Ethan and his very inventive mind out here tonight. Always a pleasure, Ethan. We'll talk soon. And Mazel Tov on the inventions and the great work you're doing abroad. Until next time, this is Adam Crawford, Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:35:10 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Wednesday, March 31, 2004