Episode 1000603085104

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content.

0:58 Voiceover And listener discretion is advised.

1:00 Voiceover Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:07 Adam Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1.

1:09 Dr. Drew, forward service.

1:10 Adam Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew, Ford Certified Physician, Dixon Medicine Specialist. I park in the handicap parking on a nightly basis here at the radio station. Unacceptable. Feels good. I gotta say.

1:24 Drew A little civil disobedience. Yeah, yeah, feels good.

1:29 Adam Plus there's, you know, we have 11 handicap parking spaces and only two regular ones and one of them's on the roof and the other one's down at KLOS, which is six, seven intersections down. So I just park, it's 10 at night. I give the phone number out and all that stuff. I did that. If I didn't do it tonight, I did last night, right?

1:49 Drew And I'll do it tomorrow night. You'll do it later tonight.

1:51 Adam We're good. We're good. Pulled up, we have a friend who's confined to a wheelchair and he comes to visit us. Well, he's more of an acquaintance, but Drew invites him to see the show every once in a while. Yes, Drew? How do you do that?

2:07 Drew He calls my people.

2:08 Adam He does.

2:08 Drew Yeah.

2:09 Adam And invites himself out. Yeah. And we invite him out. Anyway, pulled up and pulled up next to a van and actually had a handicap person in it.

2:20 Drew And you were embarrassed and ashamed and confused?

2:22 Adam I was. I was shamed. I was shamed. I was like, what's going on?

2:27 Drew And outraged.

2:31 Adam Yeah. I really didn't know what was going on because I have a string of a handicap parking that I was on a roll with my handicap parking.

2:40 Drew Oh, you actually weren't able to put... There weren't enough spaces for you?

2:44 Adam No, and then...

2:44 Drew Then you felt guilty.

2:45 Adam Okay, but then I could have parked in the handicap parking, but then I thought...

2:49 Drew Eight more handicapped people show up, right?

2:52 Adam I don't need a pox put on me by the guy driving the van. You see what I'm saying?

2:58 Drew And be fair. I mean, 14 more handicapped people could be in pursuit.

3:02 Adam You never know when that bus is pulling up. And I'm just saying, and even though we're on private property, I'm sure we could get the $400 ticket.

3:11 Drew Well, let's set the stage. People haven't set the scene in their own mind yet. We broadcast from a radio studio. It's a separate building surrounded by an eight-foot fence, a driveway you must drive through, an electric gate that opens.

3:25 Adam There's no doubt we could get a ticket.

3:27 Drew And in there is the, inside the compound are the parking places. Yes.

3:31 Adam No, I think-

3:32 Drew Yes, we could. Oh, yes.

3:33 Adam If somebody stenciled the wheelchair guy on your living room and you sat on it, you could probably get a $400 ticket.

3:40 Drew Just paint it blue.

3:42 Adam So anyway, I pulled around. I thought I better move. I, like I said, I was, I didn't want to get the stink eye from the guy who was driving the van. I drove around and I parked in another handicapped space, but it was, at least it was further away. And I thought, this is a way scene. And what I'm doing here is I'm saving some face cause I'm not backing away from the handicap, but I'm moving to the other handicapped spot.

4:03 Drew You're actually doing what adults do.

4:05 Adam Yeah.

4:05 Drew Which is let's give somebody that needs the space, the space and the move on.

4:09 Adam Parking in the handicap for me is a lot like whizzing in the sink. It's a certain, first off, it's a, it's an F you to the man or at least my wife. And secondly, it's, it's, it's liberating. I feel like, like I'm creative. I'm James Dean. I'm a wild man. What, what might I do next? Whizzing in the sink, parking in the handicap zone. This guy's a maniac. Hey, hey, hey, I'm the kind of guy. I'll take aluminum can, throw it right in with the regular garbage. Oh, whoa, you live by your own rules. That's right. I play by my own rules.

4:47 Drew Adam, Chris seems to be in a particularly good mood tonight. He's laughing at all your jokes.

4:51 Adam Yeah, I don't know what's up.

4:52 Drew It couldn't be the jokes are funny. He's laughing at all of them.

4:55 Adam I think this kid finally slid in a ass kiss mode. Been waiting six months for Chris to slide in a ass kiss mode. Remember where Chris, our engineer Chris was at? Well, maybe he got laid or something.

5:07 Drew Ah, okay.

5:07 Adam You got, you got a gal? No, fresh born?

5:11 Drew No.

5:12 Adam No, no.

5:13 Drew Get that mic when you talk to us.

5:14 Adam Chris. And we have engineer Chris out here at the K-Rock Studio. And of course the, the anchor man, engineer Anderson, the guy who just dropped the bong cart.

5:25 Drew Chris is the first guy that's actually been locked in a room with us every night.

5:29 Adam Yeah.

5:29 Drew You know Anderson at least was in a control booth somewhere and now he's safely removed from us.

5:34 Adam Chris had to warm up to us though.

5:36 It's going well.

5:37 Adam It's going well. It's not bad, right?

5:40 Drew Have you now picked up any cues, any clues about how to succeed in radio?

5:45 Adam Yeah.

5:46 Drink lots of coffee and talk about cars.

5:48 Drew Cars. Cars.

5:50 Adam Well last, it's marginally more flattering than the last one. Mercy, last time we talked to Chris on the air, when I found out he wanted to be on On Air personality, I said, well, what have you learned from kneeling at the ham of the master? You know what I mean?

6:07 Drew Yeah, locked in a room with him while he does his work.

6:09 Adam Locked in a room with the master for two hours a night. And Chris said, don't look on the computer.

6:18 Drew Don't prepare.

6:18 Adam Don't prepare.

6:19 Drew Don't prepare.

6:20 Adam Do not prepare.

6:21 Drew And say whatever you want.

6:22 Adam And say whatever you want. All right, buddy.

6:27 Drew Oh my goodness.

6:28 Adam As long as you're learning. Oh, always. Because they ain't paying you enough not to learn something.

6:33 Drew But no girlfriend. Every day.

6:34 Adam No girl?

6:34 Drew We gotta work on that for him, Adam. Come on.

6:37 Adam Well, maybe if there's a nice gal calling from the Los Angeles.

6:42 Drew Alhambra. Rosemead. Temple City.

6:45 Adam Looking for a guy in the eight to $11 range. She's still living at home.

6:50 Drew Thank you.

6:51 Adam Well, I'm just saying, you, my friend, you find a woman and that gives you the confidence to get up into the $12 range and tell your mom that'll be the last time you'll be doing my laundry because I'm moving out.

7:07 Drew Susie's doing it now.

7:08 Adam Yeah. You're living at home, right?

7:10 Drew Yes.

7:10 Adam All right. You know, a lot of guys don't mind, you know what I think? I think our parents were smart. They were like, our parents, us living at home was like living in a really crappy, like for me it was living at a horrible motel that I just couldn't wait to check out of. You know what I mean? Like the surly guy at the desk, the maid that was shooting me, the stink eye, the roaches in the sink. It was like, my parents did such a wonderful job of crafting such like a whore, like if it was an amusement park, it would have been called a depressing land. And I couldn't wait to get out of there. Even the, you know, the one bedroom, sharing the futon with the three guys, still, oh god, this is utopia compared to what I'm from. I think a lot of, I, and I talk to people that they do this. Their mom's cooking, their mom's cleaning. They gotta worry about the beating off. That's the tough part. Because, you know, because when you're, you're like 28 and you're living at home and, you know, Chris, how old are you?

8:12 Caller 27.

8:13 Adam 27. 27. All right, 27, no girlfriend.

8:18 Caller You didn't think I looked 27 on.

8:19 Adam No, you look, you look young. But you know why? Because you got almost no mileage on you. Because you're living at home. Yeah. Mom's serving up the Hungry Man dinners, he's doing the laundry.

8:30 Caller Yeah. I can make those myself.

8:32 Adam Kids never seen sunlight. Point is, here's the problem. Here's where the problem comes in. You're 27, you got a stack of porn, now you're living at home.

8:43 Drew Yeah, but that's more mom's problem than Chris's problem. Yeah. Mom's not one to run into that at the wrong time, believe me.

8:49 Adam Really?

8:49 Drew Really?

8:49 Adam Huh.

8:51 Drew When she wants to snoop around, it's apparent- Stumble into that in action?

8:55 Adam Well, that's what I would be doing. Like every time I came down the hall to your bedroom, I would be like, well, here I come, walking down the lonely hall, gonna see my best son, and I'm gonna knock on his door, and then I'm gonna close my eyes, and I'm gonna enter, and then count to 10, and open my eyes, and that's what I would be doing. I'd probably set up some cans or something that I would just knock over, just to let you know I was coming. Yeah, your mom doesn't need to see that, that would break her heart. Is she a religious woman? No, she's cool with that. And is she a good cook?

9:38 Drew What's her favorite dish?

9:39 Adam Well, she's Italian. She's Italian?

9:41 Yeah.

9:41 Drew What's she known for? My dad's Mexican. What's she known for?

9:46 Spaghetti.

9:48 Drew Exotic. Exotica.

9:49 Adam All right, but she, and does she want you out of the house?

9:53 Drew Do you have other siblings?

9:55 Caller I don't even have enough money to get out of the house, so.

9:58 Drew Doesn't matter.

9:59 Adam I don't think my parents factored that in. But do they want you to say like, get, look, this engineering gig where you get-

10:07 Drew No, I pay rent. You pay rent?

10:10 Adam Oh, really?

10:10 Drew How dare they? I'm mad.

10:12 Adam What are they charging you? Two. Two hundred? Yeah. And what do you got? You got a bathroom in your room?

10:18 No, no.

10:18 Adam No, you got it?

10:19 Drew Share it with my brother.

10:21 Yeah.

10:21 He's 45? How old is he?

10:23 Drew How many siblings do you have? He's 22.

10:25 Adam Okay, let me explain. Okay, let me explain something.

10:27 Drew He works at Starbucks.

10:28 Adam Chris is getting- Engineer Chris is getting-

10:30 Drew The one in Alhambra?

10:32 Caller No, he works at the one in Pasadena.

10:33 Adam Drew drives 70 miles for a free cup of coffee, by the way, because it's like $3. Okay, here- Here's what I'm saying. Really? You're gonna play that card?

10:47 Drew I go there all the time, I do.

10:48 Adam Hey, you know, it's his, oh, he's not working. That's always the uncomfortable one when you're trying to get something free and the guy's not there. Stu's not here. Cause see, he usually takes care of me. Like when you're trying to get something free, even though the guy's day off. All right, here's the thing. You got, you're 27. Right, right. Four more years, if you can hold out, your parents will be living with you. At this point, you're living with your parents.

11:15 Drew You'll be taking care of them.

11:16 Adam Yeah, and you see, here's the work. Right now, it's a liability with the chicks. Cause what are you doing? You're living at home. What, 27, you're living at home?

11:24 Drew But I want to get out. I know.

11:26 Adam Don't talk, don't talk. I'm working a plan out for you. If you can hold out until you're like 31, then it's like this. Where are you living? I got, I got my parents living with me. Oh, that's sweet. You make up a little something for your mom. She's got a joint problem. She needs help.

11:48 Drew Little dementia. Little dementia. You know, and with the same money, we all live in the same roof because she needs around the clock care.

11:53 Adam And so we provide that for her.

11:55 Drew I'm not sure she gets their care.

11:57 Adam Right. So I'm saying if you can just, if you can get into your early thirties and still be at home, they're with you. That's how it works.

12:04 Drew Yeah.

12:06 Adam It's just a couple more years.

12:08 Drew Try to get rid of your brother.

12:10 Adam He's going to be trouble. Cause you won't be able to explain him away. Yeah. You see what I'm saying?

12:15 Drew Unless he goes to nursing school.

12:16 Adam You gotta encourage him to get out of the house.

12:19 Drew He's trying.

12:20 Adam It's tough though.

12:20 Drew We're both trying.

12:21 Adam Cause you're five years older. So it's hard to play that.

12:23 Drew But Chris, you're looking at the radio to get you out of the house.

12:25 Adam Yeah.

12:26 Drew That is a scary crap shoot.

12:27 Adam Yeah. Yeah. You, but see, you got a dream. Your brother, he's just a loafer.

12:33 Drew He's got Starbucks.

12:34 Adam Yeah. He's got nothing. We can get him out of the house. All right. And then you start playing that. I'm taking care of my parents' car. And it's good when you bring the chicks over, if you could get your dad to walk with a limp or something. Oh, my dad's out already. Oh, he's out?

12:46 Drew What?

12:46 Adam They're divorced. Oh, divorced? Oh, this is gonna work.

12:49 Drew Where's he living?

12:50 Adam He lives in Norovia. This is gonna work like a charm then with the mom. You gotta get her a limp. All right. Let's talk to Monique. Monique, you're 17? Uh-huh. What's happening, baby doll?

13:10 Drew So why are you having it?

13:14 Adam I don't know.

13:16 Drew Now, wait a minute. Speak up, please. I'm not meaning to be facetious or to attack you for this, but I mean quite honestly. If you get nothing out of it, it sounds like you're kind of depressed and not really happy with this whole situation. No, well, I've only had like about six times.

13:32 Adam Hold on. Drew, would you shut up for a second? People can't hear her. Is it your phone line? Are you speaking softly? Are you worried about your folks hearing you or folk?

13:41 I don't want nobody to hear me.

13:43 All right, wait.

13:45 Adam Unfortunately, that's a catch-22 because-

13:47 Drew That's exactly what's happening. Nobody's hearing you.

13:49 Adam Mission accomplished. So you have to speak up.

13:53 All right.

13:54 Drew Now, my question was, why not just stop having sex if it's something that does nothing for you?

14:00 Because I want to.

14:02 Drew But why do you, I just, I really want somebody to give me an answer to this. Why continue? Why want to do something that gives, does nothing for you? And what is it that's missing now?

14:18 I don't know. Well, I don't know. That's why I wanna know why.

14:22 Drew Well, what's your sense of what's missing? You're just not getting stimulated or you just don't love this guy? No, what's possible is that- No, no, no.

14:34 Adam Well, wait a minute, hold on a second. Who's the condom tougher on, sensation-wise? The guy?

14:41 Drew Think about it. The guys are the ones always saying, no, I can't wear a condom, I don't like how it feels. Always the guy.

14:45 Adam I know, but-

14:46 Drew Girls can play a little bit, but they-

14:47 Adam I know, but the women have much more to lose by a guy not wearing a condom.

14:51 Drew Yeah, but a woman will not say, I feel nothing because of a condom.

14:53 Adam Well, if you think about it, and I, you know, look, maybe I'm just going to extremes or make a point here, but whether it's a, whether it's one mil, one micron of latex or solid latex that's entering you, you know what I'm saying? I mean, it's like you take the penis, you put a hundredth of an inch of latex around it. It might as well just be pure latex.

15:26 Drew Which, let's think about that. Let's follow this logic the way you're reasoning even further. And they don't seem to be bothered by the solid latex. In fact, that works for some of them. While a guy, if he's going to use a latex product, he must be immobile. He can't wrap around him or it doesn't work. You see my logic? If a guy is going to use a latex vagina or something, it's got to be stationary and he moves within it. He can't just stay around him. So a guy, while a woman, doesn't matter where the solid latex or latex wrap, it's all the same.

16:01 Adam I'm just trying to play an angle. I'm not that impressed with it.

16:03 Drew I liked it. You proved my point.

16:07 Adam I don't need your sympathy, Drew.

16:09 Drew No, it's good.

16:09 Adam Monique? How old's your boyfriend? All right. Well, do you love him?

16:21 Drew No, he's the only guy I've been with.

16:22 Adam He still didn't say the word love.

16:28 Drew And everyone in Bakersfield is clinically depressed and therefore can experience no pleasure. I'm not sure what you're talking about.

16:35 Adam I'm not sure what you're talking about. I'm not sure what you're talking about.

16:44 Drew It's like the Baker Show, isn't it? It's an ironic name, isn't it?

16:48 Adam It's a horrible, horrible place to make a home.

16:51 It's not that bad.

16:52 Adam Yeah, it's horrible. I can't drive through that dump fast enough. Once in a while, I'm forced to drive through Baker. I gotta roll up the windows and speak.

17:00 Well, then what is it then?

17:03 Drew I'm making the case that maybe you're not ready to have sex yet.

17:07 Adam And you don't say you're in love with the guy.

17:08 Drew Yeah, and the other.

17:09 I've only known him for a couple of months.

17:12 Drew Our anatomist is saying that maybe this isn't the right guy.

17:15 Adam 17 year old girls who are having sex with guys they've known for a couple of months can very easily be in love with them.

17:21 Well, I told him that.

17:25 Adam You told him you're in love with him? He doesn't, but he didn't say he loves you? Oh, okay.

17:33 Drew You're angry.

17:33 Adam Yeah. Listen. Listen, ladies, you tell the guy you love him and he says, yeah, I like you too. Feel free to move on.

17:42 Drew Yeah.

17:43 Adam That's fine. She's freaked out. She's not relaxed.

17:47 Drew There's multiple reasons that isn't working.

17:48 Adam Fine. So be it. Keep that condom on.

17:50 Drew Don't get pregnant. Yes, yes.

17:52 Adam Sam?

17:54 Drew Sam? Yeah?

17:57 Adam Call her who goes by the name of Sam? That's you? You're 17? Good.

18:05 Drew Sam, you got to speak up too. We can't hear you.

18:07 Adam Now listen, I've had an asshole with Sam already. No. Sam will be good?

18:13 Drew That's what they say.

18:15 Adam Anderson just gave the kiss of death to Sam. What's up?

18:23 All right, well, my girlfriend has these memories of our past lives. And she says that I cheated on her in the, let's say, late 70s.

18:46 Drew Uh-huh.

18:47 Well, right now, she's telling me about how she's like looking at other dudes and I want to know if that would come from some sort of resentment.

18:56 Adam From what decade?

18:58 What?

18:59 Adam She's looking at dudes from this era or is she going into the future and looking at like George Jetson?

19:04 Drew Or behind. Middle ages or something.

19:07 Adam Yeah. She's gone back to the Bronze Age?

19:14 Are you guys just going to make fun of me?

19:16 Drew Touche. Well, here, Sam, your girlfriend has got psychiatric problems and why you are caving into all that, I don't know, but if she's having visions, that's a sign that she needs some help.

19:31 Adam He's full of crap. No one has a logical discussion. No one has a reasonable discourse with their girlfriend who accused them of going back 30 years and cheating on them. What do you mean cheating? We were a couple in the 70s.

19:48 Drew By the way, never underestimate the length to which a desperate male will go for a woman that he's attracted to.

19:55 Adam This bogus call.

19:56 Drew It may be, but I'm just saying, that's why you can entertain a call like that. Because guys will go, I mean, they'll put up with a lot of stuff.

20:04 Adam Let me say this about the future, a couple of things. First off, I haven't talked about this in a while. Everyone's wearing a jumpsuit in the future, by the way.

20:17 Drew And no doors.

20:18 Adam There's no doors. Well, they're the aperture style. They really look like a dog's rectum. It's really what all of us look like. Hinges, outlawed. Now, here's the whole thing. And if you're going into the future and a lot of these movies are like year 2028. Okay. Hinges?

20:39 Drew Still around.

20:39 Adam How many years Hinge has been around?

20:41 Drew Thousands.

20:42 Adam Thousands. Probably made out of leather and crudely banged together onto some thatched hut door, right? But thousands of years. You think they're going to go somewhere in the next 11 years? Same argument with denim. There's no denim in the future. Right. Nobody wears jeans. There's no denim jackets. There's no denim jeans, no denim shirts, no denim anything. Let me tell you, denim has been around since like 1841. You think it's going somewhere in the next 14 to 16 years? We're all just going to jump into gray jumpsuits? Retards.

21:21 Drew And it's always some super material, some space-age material, a synthetic material that will keep us warm and cold and warm.

21:30 Adam Somehow we're going to get incredibly pragmatic in the future. No one will have any sense of style whatsoever. Although the ladies still seem to wear a lot of eyeshadow and do their hair up, but they're all going to be content to wear the same gray jumpsuit. Right. Like chicks would ever wear the same outfit. They get pissed at their friend for wearing the same sweater out to dinner. You think they're all going to jump in the same. It's always a charcoal gray jumpsuit too. Zips up. Very practical. OK. So there's no hinges. There's denim. No denim. And we've outlawed denim. And everyone's just in the same jumpsuit. The doors make a weird noise every time you open them and close them. Yeah. And some suggest there's some sort of airlock going on every every you go you go from you go from the head to the living room to the dining room, get the bands going, going into the next round.

22:24 Drew But it seems like we've sort of given up on predicting the future, I think.

22:28 Adam Well, here's what happened. We entered 2000.

22:31 Drew Yeah.

22:32 Adam See, this was the big deal. All these years of moviemaking, all the stuff that was made in the 80s and even the early early 90s, but late 70s, 80s would be like, by the year 2001, man will no longer travel using airplanes or trains or automobiles, but his particles will be broken down and then reassembled. Hey, it's 1998. We've barely got a car that runs.

23:02 Drew It takes us 11 years to get a new drug on the market.

23:04 Adam But by the year 2001, Herb, that's 26 months from now. You think that was a big thing. It's like 2000, 2000, even though it was 1988, it was still like 2000, wasn't 12 years away. It was a thousand and 12 years away. That's a big deal. So it's like the year 2003, man, oh, whoa, whoa, we're going to be colonizing the moon and Mars. We will have destroyed our planet. There will be no, we will not recover. People here will be living underground. We'll have like a bubble over it. Nobody driving a car anymore. There's no such thing as a minivan or a station wagon. All this is going to happen in the next nine years.

23:51 Drew Perfect.

23:51 Adam Perfect.

23:52 Drew All right.

23:53 Adam Oh, and by the way, I don't know, we're talking about the future now, but let's talk about the past. We always have a good laugh about this because everybody in their past life, when they have the regression therapy and stuff, nobility.

24:05 Drew Yeah.

24:06 Adam You think no serfs, nobody's swabbing out the toilet back then. Everybody was nobility. Every guy was a knight. Every chick was a queen. That's how it works.

24:16 Drew And by the way, if you look, let's take even the last 500, 300 years, there'll probably be on the order of a few thousand, maybe tens of thousands of nobility, millions and millions and millions of serfs and peasants and millions and millions and millions. The probability is if we went back, that's who everyone would be.

24:36 Adam You're lucky you're making shoes. You're probably a prostitute who got some sort of venereal disease and died of syphilis at 22.

24:46 Drew And by the way, the vast majority didn't make it out of childhood. What happened to all those? No one's ever that.

24:55 Adam You never return as a sickly five-year-old and then die six months later.

24:59 Drew That is the vast majority of humans that have walked the planet.

25:02 Adam Yeah. Everyone was a very proud knight.

25:05 Drew Or at least an infantryman in the Dugan's army.

25:10 Adam More likely more of a Joan of Arc type. With the ladies come back and the guys come back as Sir Lancelot. And it's always like I said, do the math. There's only so many positions. We'll put it this way. What was it like back then? How many Joan of Arc's were there?

25:26 Drew But that's the point. If you added up the people that died in childhood, the women that died in childbirth and the people who were peasants, it leaves about 1% in the more interesting category.

25:35 Adam So look, you didn't have a past life. If you did, you were a bum. Maybe a hobo or you just died in infancy. Thank you, Drew. All right. There's a happy thought to go out on. Chris, engineer Chris lived at home in his past life.

25:51 Drew Yeah. Well, he's, you know, yeah, he's good. He's good at it. What are you going to do?

25:55 Adam Keeping a streak alive. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Fun number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew Borg certified zizmizh. Tomorrow night, we got Burt McCracken from The Used. Some of you remember him as Kelly Osborn's girlfriend.

26:38 Drew Boyfriend.

26:39 Adam Oh yeah. Speaking of The Used.

26:42 Drew And Benji.

26:43 Adam I think she outweighed him at the time.

26:46 Drew Yeah, he's not a big man.

26:48 Adam No, and at the time, she was a larger gal. So, I will shift genders.

26:52 Drew I see.

26:53 Adam Whoever weighs more is the dude. You know what I'm saying?

26:56 Drew I hear you.

26:57 Adam Like, here's what I'm saying. Like, if you saw a couple of bears in the wilderness, and one of them was a big bear, and the other was a little bear, you say, look at the papa bear and the mama bear. You wouldn't check their genitalia.

27:08 Drew Yeah, not necessarily.

27:10 Adam I was doing that with Kelly and Burt.

27:12 Drew I gotcha.

27:13 Adam Yeah, and Benji from Good Charlottes coming in here. They're coming in together tomorrow night.

27:18 Drew I slept until 8.30 this morning. As opposed to my usual 6.30. I feel 1,000% better. It's amazing, it's amazing.

27:26 Adam I have that thing. I go to bed about two and change. I usually go to about nine, but I have to start taking a whiz about 8.40.

27:36 Drew You make it that far with all that we do here, drink.

27:38 Adam Well, sometimes I take a whiz, and maybe, and I don't remember, but I have to start whizzing pretty good about 8.30, but I don't really have to get out of bed until about nine. So I just lie there sort of rolling around on sort of a half-inflated penis, mostly urine in it, not so much blood, thinking, well, this is great, because really I'm miserable. But I'm too tired to get up. I wish, again, my invention, the mattress with the hole in it, done. I mean, first off, if you sleep on your belly and you get a boner, like I do at night, the boner drops right into the hole. I'm talking about a hole the size of one of those 32-ounce 7-Eleven cups. Circumference-wise, okay, how about this? Let me say this, Drew. Now, quiet down and listen for a second. Let me say this. Because I'm always reinventing the mousetrap. And here's where people walk away. They say, ah, good enough, good enough as is. But not the ace man. The ace man is thinking. Here's what I'm saying. For 150 years, the bike seat never changed. Never changed. And then some guy figured out, what the hell? What do we need? It should be open in the center.

28:54 Caller Get a little air in there.

28:55 Adam Those nice high-end 10-speed or mountain bike seats. Now, it's open there. You don't have, you're not sitting on your sack. You still get the same support. You get the ventilation. It's lighter. Okay, 170 years. And somebody figured out six years ago and made a nice improvement, right? Right.

29:12 Drew So you're gonna do that with the bed.

29:13 Adam The mattress.

29:14 Drew The mattress.

29:14 Adam The mattress. You sleep in the same place. Why not have a hole in the middle of it? Penis drops right down into the hole. You put a little hopper underneath there if you gotta relieve yourself. Sometimes you get a little drip. Condom rolls off. Occasionally you gotta vomit. You can't make it to the bathroom. Pow, you yak right into the mattress.

29:37 Drew It would be convenient.

29:38 Adam All right, I'm gonna try this. And I would yoke it out a little. I wouldn't just make it round. I would make it sort of like a crevasse. Make it about, make it about three, make it about four, about four inches wide. It really be like a, it'd be like a turret, like what they would fire arrows out of a medieval castle and you know, but they're like a slit. Well, yeah, I would do it. I would have it about four inches wide.

30:04 Drew Would you have water be able to run through it? Little flushing type system?

30:08 Adam Well, that would be an extra.

30:10 Caller Extra, yeah.

30:11 Adam But that it would be adaptable for that. And it would be about three, four inches wide. Probably be, how long would it have to be? Foot?

30:19 Drew Foot, yeah.

30:19 Adam 10 inches.

30:20 Drew Eight inches maybe. And listen, I have water running all the time so you get the pleasure of those running water sounds.

30:24 Adam Yeah.

30:26 Drew A little Zen garden there.

30:27 Adam Imagine the utopia you'd be living in, just lying there going, hey, I got a whiz. Hey, I'm in bed. Hey, it's freezing. I got the comforter pump. I'm whizzing. No problem.

30:37 Drew Plus the sound of the water help you get it going.

30:39 Adam How liberating would that be? You'd feel like a genius. And Drew, you'd be getting up, schlepping into the bathroom, turning the light on, knocking stuff over.

30:49 Drew I lose an hour of sleep every night, just lying, waiting till I can't handle it.

30:53 Adam I gotta take a whiz. Yeah, just whiz away. Now whiz away. And maybe it's got a little suction device down there, too, for the long nights. Wife's on the period. You need to take the edge off. You're having a little trouble sleeping. Flick it onto a fellatio. You know what I'm saying? All right, I'm just saying. I'll tell you, Drew, I know you got the kids. And something I was thinking about, too, regarding sleeping is you gotta sleep on your back. You gotta flip those kids over. Because I just flew in from New York six hours each way. You're on the chair. All right, the chair reclines. But if you sleep on your face like I do, you ain't sleeping.

31:35 Drew You mean you gotta get them used to sleeping on their back right away.

31:37 Adam What do you hope you have if you sleep on your back? You know what I'm saying? All you who have kids and they're in the crib and they're on their belly, flip them over. Get them used to that. And here's the other thing too. First off, better for your back. Secondly, if something ever happens, you always gotta go to your back. You bust your arm. Anything happens.

31:57 Drew Need a surgery.

31:58 Adam Yes, surgery, anything. Immediately pow, you're on your back. And if you sleep on your face, you're screwed. Because you're just lying there staring at the ceiling.

32:05 Drew You need your deviated septum repaired, though, so you can tolerate sleeping on your back.

32:10 Adam Oh, it's harder for me to sleep on my back. I can't breathe for a while. That's true. You know, I start snoring when I sleep on my back. Yeah. Wife elbows me. She says, you're snoring. And I said, no, I didn't. I said, that's how I know I'm asleep. Thanks. Put some goddamn earplugs in.

32:33 Barbara.

32:34 Adam Focus on who's paying them a mortgage around here. Barbara?

32:38 Yes.

32:39 Adam You're 26?

32:42 Caller Adam?

32:43 Adam Yeah.

32:44 Caller Hi, Adam.

32:44 Adam What's happened, Barbz? What's going on?

32:50 Caller Well, something terrible and devastating happened to me recently this past week. I was using my boyfriend's computer at his house. And I accidentally discovered some gay porn.

33:06 Adam Gay porn on the computer?

33:10 Caller It was under his, my recent documents. So it was something that he had recently seen, you know, on the computer when you start and you hit documents.

33:21 Drew So he actually, what?

33:23 Caller And I just accidentally clicked on it and then boom, it was gay porn. It was like two men having sex. I didn't almost throw up.

33:31 Adam It was, it is disgusting.

33:34 He's bisexual.

33:36 Caller I mean, I don't have, I don't have problems with gays, but.

33:39 Adam No, I don't either. But when you see a picture of them and what they do, it'll turn you around.

33:46 Caller I have to see on my boyfriend's computer.

33:48 Drew Now he actually had to have downloaded this, right?

33:53 Adam Well, is it possible that one of his buddies sent it to him on a goof or something like that?

33:59 Caller No, but why would he save it? He only, he has to save it to be on his computer. All right.

34:05 Adam Here's the only thing I'm going to say. She's Vietnamese.

34:10 Caller I am not Vietnamese.

34:12 Drew What is your accent from?

34:13 Caller Chinese.

34:14 Drew Chinese.

34:15 Adam Oh, Chinese. You see, that's all the same to us.

34:19 Drew Stop it, Adam.

34:19 Adam I never knew. I didn't know the difference between Chinese and Japanese until I was like 33.

34:24 Drew 33. All right.

34:25 Adam You're Chinese? What's his nationality beside gay? He's a white guy. Well, most white guys are gay. That's the first thing you should know.

34:35 Caller Oh.

34:37 Adam Very sad.

34:38 Caller But you and Dr. Drew are not.

34:40 Adam Well, one of us is. And I ain't gonna say which one, but he wears glasses. Here's the point. I would give, I would say to him, what's up? And he, if he's very casual about it, doesn't bat an eye and says, yeah, Larry sent that to me and I saved it to send ahead to Stu because it's kind of a goof. Then that's, then, then, then. Let it go. Then let it go. But if he starts fidgeting and looking down and saying, what's the big deal? What we doing snooping? That's a bad and a weird sign because here's the thing. And Drew and I have discussed this multiple times. And it sounds sort of, I don't know, bigoted or something. But the reality is straight guys should not be able to tolerate visually acts of homosexuality. We are repulsed by it. Doesn't mean I don't have gay friends. I don't. No, I have a couple of gay friends. I got no problem with them. I love the gays. But when you see a picture of a guy penetrating another guy, it should make you want to bring up bile.

35:49 I just wanted to see the wet pink stick.

35:52 Adam It is repugnant to straight guys. I mean, it's one of those, you know, I'm not squeamish, but I have to put my hand up if there's any gay porn like that.

36:02 Drew What is that?

36:04 Adam I don't know, but I take it as a good sign. I mean, when you're a straight guy and you see another guy giving it to another guy, whether it's oral or from behind, that hand has to go up.

36:15 Drew You always talk about moving along the aisles at the porn shop.

36:19 Adam Oh, train wreck.

36:21 Drew And what happens?

36:22 Adam I'm gonna sue him.

36:23 Drew If what? Well, you're in the big jugs category.

36:25 Adam I go from the big jugs category, then you start sliding into the gay porn section, but you don't know it. You don't know it.

36:31 Drew Until?

36:31 Adam You've entered the brown abyss of gay porn until it's too late. You've processed it. It's like taking the swig out of the milk that's gone bad. It's too late. It's already in the mouth. But why does she have to read the date?

36:46 Drew Is it that there's such an aversive reaction, guys?

36:49 Adam I don't know.

36:50 Drew And people go, oh, you're just frightened. You're not a man. It's not a fear reaction.

36:54 Adam No.

36:56 Drew It's a disgust.

36:57 Adam No, and it's really got, here's the whole thing. Said it many times, wish I was gay. Got no problem with the gays.

37:04 Drew You'd be great.

37:04 Adam You'd be great. Love the gays.

37:05 Drew And I wish you could stop bothering me about having that kind of relationship. I've told you, I'm not open for it.

37:11 Adam If you would just have a couple of wine coolers and stop judging, maybe we could get somewhere.

37:16 Drew Judge not, lest you be.

37:18 Adam Here's my point. Let's think about the gays. What do I, first off, they're not polluting the planet with their horrible children. You know what I mean? We got a bunch of, you know, 17 year old gang bangers crapping out kids to the point where we can't support them. You know, there's, no, they don't have kids. That's number one. Number two, all they do is pay taxes for other people's kids to go to school and go to the library and drive on the roads and everything. Meanwhile, they rarely tax the system.

37:49 Drew Right.

37:51 Adam They recycle like hell.

37:53 Drew They usually are very productive.

37:55 Adam Totally productive. The car's always got a fresh coat of Carnauba wax on them. The lawn of the house looks like someone took tweezers and one of those nasal snippers, one of those nasal hair snippers to it, have finally manicured their homes. They look like country clubs. You don't see the gay guy with the El Camino up on blocks and the sofa rotting out on the porch. Oh no, sirree bop. No, the gay guy takes care of the house, takes care of the community, very civically minded, not violent. No, no, don't worry about the gay guy putting a knife in you at the ATM and doesn't pollute the world with the crappy kids and recycles and is very, cares about the environment, civically minded.

38:41 Drew Very creative.

38:41 Adam No problem with that and leaves all the chicks for me. So, I got no problem with the gays, but when you see them cornholing, you want to vomit.

38:50 Drew No, but I wonder if Barbara has had any suspicions about her boyfriend, you think?

38:54 Adam She may have, but you talk so much now, we got to take a commercial break. We'll get back, we'll ask her.

39:01 Drew All right.

39:03 Adam Barbara? Yes. Has he ever led you to believe, does he drink, yes, does he drink a lot of diet soda?

39:12 Caller He doesn't drink soda that much at all.

39:15 Adam What's he drink besides semen?

39:17 Caller He drink mainly water and he drinks a lot of coffee.

39:20 Adam A lot of coffee.

39:22 Drew That's a good sign.

39:23 Adam Just regular coffee or like non-fat lattes?

39:27 Caller No, regular coffee.

39:29 Drew Has he been, have you been concerned that he had a sexual orientation different than what you expected?

39:34 Caller I have before because he trimmed his body hair and he trimmed his armpit.

39:42 Drew He trimmed, metrosexual, could be metrosexual.

39:45 Adam And you don't care, you never asked him to do it.

39:47 Drew How old is he?

39:49 Adam What kind of bathing suit does he wear?

39:52 Caller I have never seen him in bathing suits.

39:55 Adam Aha, what kind of car does he drive?

40:04 Convertible?

40:05 Caller Yes, it's convertible.

40:13 Adam Oh, it's not, are you sitting down? It's not a good thing.

40:16 Drew All right, we will have to keep going, Barbara. You're right, Barbara, hold on, we'll get back to you.

40:19 Adam The Mitsubishi, the...

40:20 Drew Good question, I thought the Eclipse, he had it sealed. And then...

40:23 Adam Eclipse convertible.

40:24 Drew The rag top, oh, that's it, but I thought Eclipse first, I thought that's... I didn't know it came in a convertible.

40:31 Adam Oh yeah.

40:32 Drew Oh boy.

40:33 Adam Game man turn, get any car in a convertible. Get an armored car, take a hacksaw, take the roof right off. Pote Mobile, turn that in a convertible. All right, let's take a break, Drew. We'll be back. Hey, everybody. Loveline, madam, that's Dr. Drew over there. Drew, I want to check some temperatures around the Southland real quick.

41:14 Drew Can we save it for the lightning hour?

41:17 Adam Well, we are going to have a lightning round, but I just want to let folks know that La Pointe is checking in at 63.

41:24 Drew Oh, good.

41:25 Adam And La Mirada, 63. Ventura County, 63. Carson Banning, area 67. San Fernando?

41:33 Drew 75?

41:34 Adam 63. El Cohn, 63. Van Nuys, 63. Rosita, 63 degrees. Linwood, 63. Northridge, Chatsworth, Norco, 63. Sherman Oaks, 63 degrees. Pasadena, 63. Your hometown, Drew, checking in, checking in, checking in. 63.

41:50 Drew Heard you have to watch out for tail lights.

41:52 Adam Yeah, watch out, slow and go. And Sheffield Hills, Panorama, 63, 63 degrees. All right, we're gonna keep you posted on that.

41:58 Drew Good time.

41:59 Adam If anything changes, we'll get back with you.

42:01 Drew So Barbara.

42:02 Adam Yeah.

42:03 Drew She was concerned about her boyfriend who's 41 because he shaves his body hair.

42:07 Adam Found some gay porn.

42:08 Drew Found gay porn on his recent documents.

42:10 Adam And he drives a convertible eclipse. Right. So Barbara, why don't you just confront him. Confront him about what you found. And here's what you need to say to him. Okay. You need to say, listen, homo. No, you need to say, whatever you are is cool with me. But I wanna know. And you should want me to know. And we should wanna move accordingly.

42:33 Drew And when he says, you freak out and cry and scream. But listen, has he ever been married?

42:39 Caller No, I have never.

42:41 Drew Him? And what happened with that marriage?

42:48 Caller He was married nine years.

42:51 Drew What happened with the marriage?

42:57 Caller I broke it up.

42:59 Adam Oh, so he, he, did you work with him?

43:03 Caller He started dating me and he started the divorcing paper like two months after.

43:09 Drew You're Mormon? How did you guys start?

43:12 Adam They must have worked together.

43:13 Drew Minka?

43:14 Caller I'm sorry?

43:15 Drew How did you guys meet?

43:16 Caller We used to work together.

43:19 Adam Oh, wow. Who saw that one coming? All right, go ahead and ask him.

43:24 Drew That does not sound like somebody with sexual orientation problems.

43:29 Adam Yeah, because if you're with your sort of beard of a wife. I mean, let's put it this way. You're with your beard of a wife. You guys have been together for nine years. You got a couple of kids. Your whole plan is I'll keep a little status quo going on. Meanwhile, I'm going to San Francisco on business for the third time this month. Right. I'm hanging out in a bath house by the glory hole.

43:47 Drew Right. However-

43:48 Adam No, no, I'm talking about me.

43:49 Drew That's what you do?

43:50 Adam I'm talking about me. That's got nothing to do with this call.

43:52 Drew I understand. But it could be a guy with a lot of chaos. It could be a really troubled guy.

43:58 Adam Yeah. All right.

43:59 Drew That's how I-

44:00 Adam Confront him. All right, it's time to play a little game we call Germany or Florida. You give us the wacky question or read us the wacky statement. Could be a crime. Could be a suicide.

44:14 Drew Brian, get on with it.

44:16 Caller Things are sick and twisted from too much sun and Nazis, sex, meth and death fetishes. Both of them have got these.

44:22 Caller Guaranteed not the Borya, Germany or Florida.

44:25 Adam Yeah. That's our song. Oh man. All right, Brian.

44:31 Yeah.

44:31 Adam All right, Germany or Florida, go ahead.

44:34 Caller All right.

44:35 A teacher is charged with two accounts of civil animal cruelty when she beat the class pets, which were two small, like baby rabbits, sickly baby rabbits in front of her, like whole student class with a shovel.

44:53 Adam So she was killing the rabbits because they were sickly.

44:59 Yeah, she beat them with a shovel in front of her class.

45:01 Caller Right.

45:02 Drew The story doesn't hang together, right?

45:03 Adam It's not hanging together, but what the thing is, is the rabbits were sick or diseased and needed to be put down.

45:10 Drew Right.

45:10 Adam And she did it with the shovel. Sounds like Germany to me. Yeah. You have to say Germany.

45:17 Drew Germany.

45:17 Adam You can't just say yes.

45:18 Drew Germany.

45:19 Adam Do you understand the question?

45:20 Drew Germany.

45:21 Adam Germany.

45:21 Caller So you're all going for Germany?

45:24 Adam Yes, we are.

45:24 Oh, I'm sorry, it was Florida.

45:26 Adam Oh! Smart. Thanks for calling, Brian. We're gonna send you out of Windbreaker. How's that song go again, Anderson?

45:35 Caller Things are sick and twisted from too much sun and Nazis. Sex, meth and death fetishes, both of them have got these.

45:41 Caller Guaranteed not to bore you, Germany or Florida.

45:46 Adam That's the best we could do. All right, let's...

45:50 Drew Let's have a break.

45:51 Adam No, not yet. Allie?

45:53 Caller Yeah?

45:54 Adam You're 18?

45:55 Caller Yes.

45:56 Adam What's going on?

45:59 Caller Well, me and my boyfriend, we've been going out for two years. And lately, every time we're having sex, it starts to smell really bad down there.

46:10 Adam Are you a Mormon?

46:12 Caller No, I'm not.

46:13 Adam No, I'm not a Mormon.

46:13 Caller I am not in any religion.

46:15 100%.

46:16 Adam I know. And when Anderson drops that, or your Mormon drop of Drew's in there, we're 100% on the answering. No one gets confused. Or yes. Or sometimes yes.

46:28 Caller The last girl just ignored it. That's why I had to play it again.

46:31 Adam I see. Anderson's got to think of ways to entertain himself. All right, so.

46:38 Drew We got to talk to Allie after the break.

46:39 Adam We do. All right. You calling in from the Ukaipa area, Allie? Yeah. You guys are checking in at 63.

46:49 Drew Palm Springs.

46:50 Adam 63.

46:52 Drew Palm Desert.

46:52 Adam 63. Greater Desert. 63. Big Bear. 63. Take a quick break. Get some more weather reports and we'll get to Allie in her vagina after this.

47:04 Caller All right, guys.

47:05 Caller Bottom line, here's the deal.

47:08 Caller Sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

47:10 Caller One call is all you need to make. Call the Dateline.

47:12 877-889-DATE.

47:18 Caller Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

47:20 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

47:51 Adam That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Bert McCracken from The Used, Benji from Good Charlotte, in here tomorrow night. It's gonna be a pain in my ass.

48:04 Drew Why?

48:05 Adam You know.

48:06 Drew Rock stars.

48:08 Adam Yeah. They both been in before, right? Nice guys. Well, Benji comes in a lot.

48:14 Drew Yeah.

48:16 Adam Yeah, you gotta work a little more. I see. I gotta ask them questions.

48:20 Drew That's bad. Bad times.

48:23 Adam You know what I mean?

48:24 Drew Yes.

48:26 Adam I may have to show up before the show starts.

48:27 Drew No, no, please. Don't go that far.

48:30 Adam Well, I do like to get here before it actually starts, but this may be-

48:34 Drew Be fair, your goal is to get here as it actually starts.

48:38 Adam Right.

48:38 Drew Yeah. So don't put yourself out.

48:40 Adam Can't always time it right though. Tonight.

48:43 Drew You're way early.

48:44 Adam Tonight, I got here like 14 minutes early.

48:46 Drew No, he's like four minutes early.

48:48 Adam No, no, I got here. You were in the other room with Stryker. I got here like 14 minutes early. So I'm going to be splitting at 11.45.

48:55 Drew That's cool.

48:56 Adam If that's-

48:58 Drew Check the weather and the traffic before you go.

48:59 Adam I got my two hour kind of thing.

49:02 Drew I get it.

49:03 Adam So you understand how that works? It slides forward.

49:06 Drew That's right.

49:07 Adam I might be splitting like mid call somewhere in the last break. All right.

49:11 Drew All right.

49:12 Adam Allie?

49:13 Caller Yeah.

49:13 Adam So you got a little stinky down there?

49:16 Caller Yeah, I do. It's really weird. Cause I went to the doctor and they said it was perfectly fine.

49:21 Drew It's a new problem though. You've never smelled like this before.

49:24 Caller No, I don't.

49:27 Drew No, she doesn't. You've never have smelled like this before.

49:30 Caller No, I never have.

49:31 Adam Sounds like a great, like a Dionne Warwick song. I mean, it's a very, I know I'll never smell like this before, but I try. You know what I mean?

49:44 Drew Yeah, it's perfect.

49:45 Adam I love that song.

49:47 Drew And has he been sexually active with other people before?

49:49 Caller One other person, but that was years ago.

49:56 Drew Well, there's still years.

49:57 Adam How old is he?

49:59 Caller He's 18.

50:00 Drew How many years ago could it have been?

50:02 Caller Well, we've been going out for two years, so.

50:05 Adam All right. All right, now what about the fact that the vagina is like a smelly snow globe that just gets shaken up? You know what I mean? It gets all agitated down there and it releases everything. You know what it's like? It's like take an old pillow and just smack your hand on it a couple of times. All of a sudden you smell grandpa's hair. You know what I mean?

50:27 Drew Yeah, there's that possibility. And there's also a possibility that maybe he's harbored something for a while, like Trichomonas or Gardnarella or these things. And it might not be a bad idea for your doctor or whoever's treating you to try some antibiotic creams, just to see. Yeah, just takes a Metrogel cream.

50:43 Adam But also doesn't it stir it up for lack of a better term?

50:49 Drew I agree with you. No, no, yes.

50:50 Adam I mean, just first off, just, you know, blood rushing to it. I mean, I don't know what blood rushing to something does, but it creates heat, you know, and then there's perspiration.

50:59 Drew The whole purpose of it was to mark the partner. They're supposed to be a special funk.

51:04 Adam Really?

51:04 Drew Yeah.

51:06 Adam So the gals would know?

51:08 Drew To stay away.

51:09 Adam To stay away from me because that's what my thing smelled like?

51:12 Drew Because you got her funk on it.

51:14 Adam Really?

51:14 Drew Although knowing the way human females operate, it probably would be like honey for bees.

51:19 Adam Yeah, they'd want to just cover the paint over their funk with their new funk. Oh my. That's my new thing. Jeff? 26?

51:34 Caller Yeah.

51:35 Adam Calling from Salt Lake City, you know, that begs the question, Drew.

51:42 Caller Go ahead, Drew, do it yourself.

51:43 Caller Are you Mormon? Yes, I am.

51:46 Adam All right. Well, Anderson, why can't you do it?

51:49 Caller Because I wasn't prepared at all.

51:51 Adam All right, buddy.

51:51 Caller My back was to the board.

51:53 Drew But I did a pretty good invitation, didn't I?

51:57 Adam You're like 90 percent of you.

52:01 Drew Are you Mormon? Are you Mormon?

52:04 Adam Yes. All right.

52:08 Drew We'll get him.

52:09 Adam We've got him. Go ahead.

52:14 Drew OK.

52:14 Caller Am I on? So what did you want? Do you want me to explain the situation or?

52:21 Drew Please. Please do.

52:22 Adam Yeah. First, we just got to get just a little bit of information. The history, like your religion, you're Mormon. Yes, I am. And once we can once we check that box off, we can we can move forward. Drew, your headphones weren't were your headphones up? I already asked. I asked him about his religion.

52:44 Drew Really? Yeah, I didn't hear the answer. Oh, he answered.

52:49 Caller Yes. Oh, even as you know, we can't because I don't want I like the 100 percent thing.

52:53 Drew All right.

52:54 Caller We're just wasting our luck here.

52:56 Adam Don't worry about whose luck we're pushing.

52:59 Drew Jeff, what's what's happening? Tell us.

53:01 Caller Well, my wife and I, we got married four and a half years ago. A month before we got married, she was going through a lot of stress planning for the wedding. We both were virgins and she was worried because she had two sexually active friends who were telling her that sex was horrible and she wasn't going to like it, which was stupid because they were doing it and they loved it, but they convinced her that it wasn't good. She got on birth control and Accutane exactly a month before we got married and the next day there was just no sexual response whatsoever. She had no, she had no feelings. She just cannot bring herself to be turned on by me, but it's only associated with me.

53:46 Adam Well hold on now. Well wait a minute, now are you guys married now? Now you're married.

53:52 Caller Yes.

53:52 Adam And how long have you been married?

53:54 Caller Four and a half years.

53:56 Drew And you associate her shutdown with going on Accutane and the birth control pill?

54:02 Caller That's what I assumed. We saw a marriage counselor and she said that it was probably all of the stress and that stuff involved and she didn't want to be on birth control. But she also, she was worried that she might have zits on her wedding day and wanted to be on Accutane.

54:20 The doctor went around the birth control without, yeah, we dropped all that right after.

54:24 Drew So in spite of being off the medicines, she still has no sex drive?

54:29 Caller None whatsoever, but just for me.

54:31 Drew So she has a sex drive, but she can't be aroused by you?

54:34 Caller Yes.

54:35 Drew Is she in love with you?

54:37 Caller She is. We've, right now, we've been seeing a marriage counselor or a psychiatrist, the psychiatrist suggested separation.

54:46 Drew Why?

54:46 Caller Possibly divorce.

54:47 Drew Why?

54:47 Caller He said it would take the stress off of her mind, there would be no pressure.

54:52 She wouldn't be expected to perform.

54:55 Adam There's something very, very, very, something missing here.

54:57 Drew Yeah, something missing.

54:58 Adam Let me talk to him, Drew.

55:00 Drew Well, first of all, psychiatrists, therapists have no business telling you what to do. And nor were they under, in a million years, say, break up so you don't feel the stress of the possibility of sexual encounter.

55:12 Adam Unless she was saying, like, I never loved him, I don't love him, I could, you know.

55:17 Drew Yeah. Just one question. Does your wife see the psychiatrist by herself or do you always see it in couple sessions?

55:23 Caller We went together for the first couple of sessions and then she started going by herself.

55:29 Drew And is this her report about what the psychiatrist says she's supposed to do?

55:33 Caller The psychiatrist said separate for a couple of months.

55:36 Drew But is this her report of that or did you hear the psychiatrist, did those words come out of the psychiatrist's mouth in your presence?

55:42 Caller Oh, that was her report of what he said.

55:43 Drew That did not happen.

55:44 Adam I tried that.

55:45 Drew That did not happen.

55:46 Adam I did that too. I came back to my wife. Yeah. He wants me to receive copious amounts of fellatio from strangers. Really? That's what he said. He said he wouldn't repeat it if you asked him, so don't bother.

56:02 Drew That sort of distortion from caretakers is a bad sign. That is a personality disorder.

56:08 Adam Well, hold on a second. Let me talk to Drew in the privacy of our own crap room here. Is she disto- Okay, now, we can assume that the caregiver, the psychiatrist or psychologist didn't say before-

56:24 Drew They said nothing like that. They said nothing like that.

56:26 Adam Well, no, but they can say things like, well, why did you marry him in the first place?

56:32 Drew No, no, what they can say is, well, what are you going to do?

56:35 Adam That's why they get the big bucks. But here's the point. Maybe she wants out. Maybe she's not distorting it.

56:42 Drew Yeah, maybe she's not telling him the whole story.

56:44 Adam Maybe she's intentionally distorting it to say, look, this guy's got a degree hanging on the wall and he thinks we shouldn't be together. Yes. So maybe we should listen.

56:54 Drew But if she were saying that as sort of a volitional thing, it means she's kind of up to something and she shouldn't get married in the first place. It's a sinister thing.

57:03 Adam It's unclear.

57:04 Drew If she's doing it as a result of distortion, it means she can't have relationships and she can't be intimate. She's an abuse survivor and she needs to hang in and work on it.

57:12 Adam They've been married for four years plus. Are they ever having sex? Are they ever?

57:19 Drew Have they ever?

57:20 Jeff?

57:21 Caller Yeah.

57:22 Adam Have you guys ever had sex?

57:24 Caller We had a pretty weak sex life for the first three years and then we haven't.

57:29 We went a year without.

57:32 Adam So let me ask some. Let me ask some.

57:35 Caller She had an affair a year ago and since then we've had none.

57:39 Adam Well now we're inching closer to the truth. When why did she have an affair, did she tell you and how did you find out or did she tell you and you know, did she let you find out or did you find out on your own?

57:55 Caller I will actually I joined the military and I was in basic training and I came home and that's when she told me it was while I was gone.

58:01 Drew And was it because she didn't want to feel what was the excuse they use? I don't want to.

58:06 Adam I don't hide anything.

58:08 Drew Yes. I don't you need to know. I can't hide.

58:10 Adam Look, Jeff, I'm sorry to say this, but this is sounding like there's a bicycle built for two and one person is pedaling and the other person's got their legs up on the bars and you're the one who's pedaling. And her thing is like, look, this ain't costing me anything. I ain't burning calories. I don't care, but I'm getting sort of bored. Eventually you're going to tire, aren't you? And I can just get off. This is sort of like I want to divorce. I'm really not going to initiate the divorce. I'll just do everything to get you to divorce me. I'll tell you the shrink said to get divorced. I'll have an affair. I'll stop having sex with you. And eventually aren't you going to get tired of pedaling this two person bicycle? Well, Jeff isn't getting tired. And you should maybe be tired by now, Jeff.

58:58 Drew Also that kind of codependency is usually someone who needs to care take, which means again that the reason she's not pedaling is not just that she wants out, but she can't tolerate intimacy.

59:08 Adam Yes.

59:09 Drew And was she an abuse survivor, Jeff?

59:12 Caller Was she abused? No.

59:13 Drew Huh?

59:14 Adam He doesn't.

59:14 Caller No, she was spoiled.

59:16 Drew What does that mean?

59:18 Caller She grew up with a lot of money. Everything she wanted.

59:22 Drew Is she doing drugs or alcohol or anything?

59:25 Adam I don't know. I'm not sure why you two decided to get married in the first place.

59:30 Drew You're a Mormon?

59:31 Adam Didn't even.

59:32 Yes.

59:33 Adam Okay, you are.

59:34 Drew Okay.

59:36 Adam Okay, here's the thing, Jeff, do you have any children or would that be impossible?

59:41 Caller We do have a daughter.

59:43 Drew Oh my God.

59:44 Caller He was quite a surprise too.

59:48 Adam Okay, so I think what you need to do, here's what you need to do, Jeff. Drew, stop me if you disagree. But first you gotta wake up. Drew thinks better with his eyes closed, his mouth hanging open and Drew coming out. You need to say, I'm going to the shrink with you, we're going to tend together. You need to sit down with that shrink and say, look, I need to know where we're at. We have a daughter. I don't want to get divorced, but we're not having sex, you had an affair, it doesn't feel like you're in love with me, I'm prepared to hear the truth, whatever it is, and then whatever she says, that's what she's feeling and that's what you need to act on.

1:00:28 Drew And... And the therapist or psychiatrist has got to...

1:00:31 Adam Help facilitate that.

1:00:33 Drew You got to be making sure you're hearing the whole story.

1:00:36 Adam But Jeff, when you say, look, do you love me or not? And she goes, well, that means no.

1:00:46 Drew And if you go, do you want to stay in this thing or not? Do you want to work this out?

1:00:50 Adam Well, that means no, too, unless you're getting affirmative answers like, yes, I do, yes, I love you.

1:00:58 Drew It's more complicated than that, though, because I'm feeling this woman is very disturbed.

1:01:02 Adam I do, too.

1:01:02 Drew And that being the case, you know, he's got to decide, is he in for this long haul or not?

1:01:08 Adam No, they're the fair thing. I mean, they're practically newlyweds.

1:01:14 Drew Chaos.

1:01:16 Adam What are you saying? Chaos?

1:01:17 Drew Chaos. Are you Mormon?

1:01:19 Adam I think it's role play. I want to talk to Nicky over here.

1:01:26 Drew Nicky?

1:01:27 Caller Yes?

1:01:28 Adam 20?

1:01:29 Caller Yes.

1:01:30 Adam What's up?

1:01:31 Caller I have kind of two questions that go along with the, my second one goes along with the first one. My first question is, is how healthy are fetishes? Like is it, is it healthy to have a relationship that will end in marriage and you know, is it healthy to keep that going after you're married or you know, is it like a fun? The fetish?

1:01:56 Drew Once they start, they ain't stopping. So you can't stop it after you get married.

1:02:03 Adam Would you?

1:02:03 Caller Would you have them?

1:02:04 Adam Well, look, first off, it just sort of depends.

1:02:08 Drew Yeah. For one thing, it's a fetish generally is a sign that you have trouble being intimate, but it's kind of like it's basically it's like you're blanky. It's like a transitional object. It's like a way of blanky.

1:02:22 Adam Like you're huggy boogie.

1:02:24 Drew You're huggy boogie. It's a way of feeling comfortable when you feel in situations make you feel overwhelmed way of focusing that anxiety so you can function sexually. It's not a good sign. It's a means you have some something's going on. But if it lets you function and doesn't interfere with intimacy too much, whatever. But most of the time it gets in the way of intimacy and it means something that makes it difficult for you to have intimacy.

1:02:47 Adam Right. But now what about the fetish? I'm going to liken it to any other addictive substance in that it's a glass of wine after work and that's it. But it never, but it doesn't spin out. It doesn't gather momentum. Then it's the same as the guy who drinks a glass of wine and never turns into the full fledge alcoholic. Probably better that he didn't do it, but he does it and he's fine. He's holding this job.

1:03:15 Drew And by the way, he's with somebody who can't be terribly intimate too, but they kind of it works for them.

1:03:19 Adam Right. It gets a little freaky when the kids four comes into the bedroom and daddy's wearing the leather hood with the zipper where the mouth was. And an enema bag full, heaping enema bag strapped to him. And he's got the gimp ball around his mouth.

1:03:39 Drew That's the zipper where the mouth is.

1:03:42 Adam That's the gimp mask. What are you guys into?

1:03:45 Caller Well, it's nothing that severe. We've just started role playing and spanking, tying up, he's 15 years older than I am. And I guess he's been into it. He started having sex when he was 18. So he's been into it since then. And I've never really asked him why. I never really was into it before. I have no problem with it.

1:04:14 Drew Is there anything else you want to tell us about his experimentation in the past?

1:04:19 Caller Like what?

1:04:20 Drew You tell me. You're begging for something.

1:04:24 Adam Hold on a second. She said you're looking for something. I hear a guy. Let me just float this. When I hear those guys are like into a little bondage, a little S&M, I think bi, too. I can always go the dude route.

1:04:41 Drew That's what I was going to write that down. I was going to write that down right there.

1:04:44 Adam You don't need it. You got a microphone right in front of you.

1:04:46 Drew Well, I was going to.

1:04:46 Adam Oh, you wrote gay. But here's the thing. I don't know why. There's something. Well, because, see, like whenever you go, well, first of all, when you see the gay parade.

1:04:58 Drew Yeah. It's a lot of that stuff.

1:05:00 Adam A lot of the bondage.

1:05:01 Drew Yeah.

1:05:02 Adam Hey, guys, don't worry. Your respect is coming. It's just around the corner, all you gays, with the nipple clamps dragging your gimp partner down the street, who's wearing the Doc Martens and the thong studded thong back. Don't worry. You'll get that. You'll get that respect you so richly deserve. It's just around the corner, Drew Society, just this close to embracing the guy with the with the handlebar mustache and the studded butt crack strap going out there being dragged by the nipple. Yeah. Just it's coming, gays. It's right around the corner. If we could only loosen up a little bit.

1:05:37 Drew Relax.

1:05:39 Adam Here's my point. The gay guys are into the bondage stuff a little bit.

1:05:44 Drew Yeah.

1:05:44 Adam They like that. They like the leatherware. And whenever I hear about a guy who's in the bondage scene a little bit, I just think gay.

1:05:51 Drew It makes you think it.

1:05:52 Adam Because when I think straight guy, straight guy, you know what he like? You know what our fetish is? We like doing it.

1:05:59 Drew Whatever.

1:05:59 Adam We like some jugs and some ass and a little rough tray, little ass slapping.

1:06:06 Drew Anything that gets in the way of the female form is a distraction.

1:06:09 Adam Other things are straight. Like here's the fetish we're into. Big jugs, a second chick. You know what I'm saying? Like, hey, can I watch you two get it on for a minute before I come in and polish you off? Like that kind of stuff. Right.

1:06:21 Drew That's a straight guy. But listen, there's something about Nikki that just made me think that too.

1:06:26 Adam Nikki?

1:06:26 Drew And the 35 year old with the 20 year old.

1:06:29 Adam Nikki? Was he ever bi?

1:06:32 Drew How do we know that? I don't.

1:06:34 Adam Oh, hold on a second. I want the entire listening public to kiss both our asses right now because it's really the screen says 35 year old guy, 20 year old chick, and she's pregnant, right?

1:06:46 Drew We didn't talk about it.

1:06:46 Adam We didn't talk about that, but it says she's pregnant. They like the role play and that's about it.

1:06:52 Drew Normal fetish. That's it.

1:06:53 Adam She's probably from Kansas City, Kansas City, 34 year old guy and pregnant.

1:06:57 Drew We came up with bisexual.

1:06:59 Adam Smelled, smelled bi to me. All right.

1:07:03 Drew But there's something about Nicky too that, that, that keep coming in.

1:07:05 Adam Yeah. I don't know what, what we're responding to Nicky. You got a little fag hag in you?

1:07:10 Caller Me? No.

1:07:12 Adam All right. Now do you trust this guy because he is or was bi? Does that mean he can pop back?

1:07:20 Caller He hasn't been since before he was my age.

1:07:24 Adam So he was bi when he was 17, 18?

1:07:28 Drew No, he was gay then.

1:07:31 Adam I mean that. Right. But that's just, he was sexually abused?

1:07:35 Caller I don't know. I've never really asked him.

1:07:38 Adam You don't want to know.

1:07:39 Caller Yeah, I really don't.

1:07:40 Drew You can pretty much count on that.

1:07:41 Caller I know his family pretty well though, but it's, you know, they're not very open.

1:07:48 Adam Okay. Yeah. Okay. So here's the thing. You're going to have a kid with this guy.

1:07:52 Drew Mm-hmm.

1:07:52 Adam And you're going to marry him?

1:07:53 Drew Mm-hmm.

1:07:54 Adam And he has a regular job and everything? Okay. Fine.

1:07:58 Drew Yeah.

1:07:58 Adam Have a little fun.

1:08:00 Drew Just don't, don't, you're going to, this is going to spin a bit. It's going to, there's going to be all sorts of other things that spin out of this. Keep it contained. Keep it right here. Don't let it spin.

1:08:10 Adam And here's the other thing too. He's 35. He's not 23.

1:08:14 Drew I know.

1:08:14 Adam You know, if he was 23, he'd have a good 10 years of acting out ahead of him. Maybe he's.

1:08:19 Drew Yeah. No, it's absolutely. It's way safer at 35 and less of an issue. I mean, he. Whatever. It's good times.

1:08:26 Adam Hey, hey, hey. He looks.

1:08:27 Drew Takes all kinds.

1:08:28 Adam I don't judge. Anyone who listens to the show knows. That's not my place. I say live and let live. We're going to take a quick break. When we come back, we'll speak to Mark on four different meds for panic attacks. I think they're messing him up.

1:08:47 Drew How about four?

1:08:51 Adam Girlfriend was tight first time they did it. Now she's loose. Second time. Cheating? Perhaps. After this.

1:09:02 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:09:19 Adam Hey, everybody, Loveline, and Adam, that's Dr. Drew.

1:10:05 And about a year and a half ago, I had to drop out of college just because I couldn't sit through my classes and would make guttural noises when I was having panic attacks. And it's just too disruptive for me and for the other students.

1:10:18 Adam And when you make guttural noises when you're having a panic attack, what does that sound like?

1:10:24 It's a grunting sound like, sort of like I'm choking for air.

1:10:33 Adam And I just blew a little gas over Drew's direction. Yeah, Chris likes a nice fart.

1:10:40 I have been on medication since about 15, usually just an SSRI and taking a benzo as needed. At college, the psychiatrist put me on Selexa and Klonopin long term. When I left college, I saw a new psychiatrist who kind of added a lot more to that regimen, which I've been on now for about a year or so.

1:11:06 Drew What are you taking?

1:11:07 I'm taking Paxil at 20 milligrams, Ativan at 2 milligrams a day, Klonopin at...

1:11:13 Drew 2 milligrams once a day?

1:11:15 What's that?

1:11:16 Drew 1 milligram twice a day?

1:11:19 No, 4 times throughout the day I take 0.5 milligrams.

1:11:22 Drew Okay, keep going.

1:11:23 And Klonopin at 0.75 milligrams, I take 0.25 milligrams 3 times a day. And then in the evening, I take 50 milligrams of Seroquel, which is officially classified as an antipsychotic, but at the level I'm taking it, it's supposedly therapeutic for OCD.

1:11:40 Drew What else?

1:11:41 That's it, the Paxil.

1:11:42 Drew Okay, and what's your question?

1:11:44 Basically just, I'm worried about staying on the medication just because I'm worried about the problems that the Benzos can cause as far as memory loss. And I'm also very terrified of going down on the medication just because at the time I started it, things became more stable in my life. And I sort of associate this current regimen of medication with the stability in my life. And I know that going down on Benzos can cause it.

1:12:10 Drew What do you mean by stable? What does stable mean?

1:12:13 Basically my parents have become much more understanding of anxiety. They don't respond with anger to the anxiety anymore. I've been living at home instead of going to college for the last year and a half. So I've had a much more stress-free environment.

1:12:25 Adam I can imagine Mark's Duke smells like Robitussin.

1:12:29 What's that?

1:12:30 Drew B12, yeah.

1:12:30 Adam Yeah. Does your bowel movements smell like a medicine cabinet? Drew told me to say that. Hey Mark, well let me say a couple things. First off, sorry for your panic attacks. Secondly, you're clearly an intelligent guy.

1:12:47 Yeah, though it's probably a problem is that I'm overly intelligent. I was going to William & Mary, which is a pretty stressful college, a pretty prestigious college. Yeah.

1:12:58 Adam Here's the problem. Let me tell you the problem with being smart in this side. It does not translate into one ounce of Poon Tang, number one, not one ounce, not one ounce. Actually, hurts you a little bit in the Poon Tang department.

1:13:13 Caller It's a little hard for me to hear you. You want one ounce of what?

1:13:15 Adam No, don't take that. Mark thinks he's getting on some more meds. Listen, all I'm saying is, your smart guy and Drew, who's had a panic attack or two in his day, might have some insights to this. But it sounds like he's seeing his doctors and doing whatever regiment they put in front of him.

1:13:38 Drew There's a couple of suggestions I would make. I need a little bit more information first. Is there alcoholism or addiction in your family anywhere?

1:13:47 Caller On my dad's side, there is alcoholism. I have been extremely careful as far as I've not had a sip of alcohol since I've been on the medication.

1:13:58 Drew Is he a dad and alcoholer?

1:14:00 Caller No.

1:14:01 Drew Okay. Because that's obviously the one risk with benzodiazepine is that you get addicted to them. But it doesn't sound like you are, frankly. And they are reasonable interventions for a bad panic disorder. But you want to be on them as short as you can. And I would have as a goal tapering off of them.

1:14:15 Caller Syracuil, hang on.

1:14:17 Adam All right, quiet down.

1:14:19 Drew Hang on. Syracuil, on the other hand, can be used in much higher doses with great efficacy with what you've got. I mean, you could be taking 2, 3, or 400 milligrams a day of that to help with some of these, the agitation, the stream of panic, and the sleep problems. It sounds like that's more the direction you ought to be going is off the benzos, up on the Syracuil. And then get in some individual psychotherapy, because much of this panic comes from the self-deficiencies.

1:14:44 Adam All right, Drew. What about exercise?

1:14:50 Drew Yep, all good. He needs to re-engage in life. He's going to be very dependent on his parents. Your life should be beginning, not now, not ending with this dependency. In order for you to make that separation though, again, you're going to need a therapeutic process.

1:15:04 Adam How about a therapist? How about jogging four miles every morning, doing a hundred pushups? How about listening to some classical music?

1:15:11 Drew Absolutely.

1:15:12 Adam Always good for your head.

1:15:13 Drew Off the bends, up the circle.

1:15:14 Adam I got Germany or Florida over here, Drew. I got to get back on this horse, because I've been firing about 50% on these lately. Sam? Yeah. You're 18? Well, stay tuned for the Germany or Florida theme song first. All right.

1:15:36 Drew I think Anderson's now getting past so aggressively. He's not gonna play it just because you want it to play.

1:15:40 Adam No, I don't think he's in the room.

1:15:44 Drew Anderson's gone. Except that was Anderson.

1:15:48 Adam Was that Anderson?

1:15:49 Caller Things are sick and twisted from too much sun and Nazis, sex, meth and death fetishes, both of them have got these.

1:15:55 Caller Guaranteed not the Borya, Germany or Florida.

1:15:58 Adam Yeah, there it is. So go ahead with your Germany or Florida, Sam.

1:16:04 Caller Okay, for the past decade, children age 11 and older have attended a week-long clothing-free summer camp run by an organization that promotes nude recreation. A prominent country official read in a nationally distributed newspaper about the incident and asked, what the hell's wrong with you parents? A spokesman replied, kids are natural nudists. It's so cute to see naked babies and toddlers. But as we mature, somehow that is no longer seem as a wholesome, healthy thing.

1:16:38 Drew Having these a-holes watch the young children and think it's a lovely thing is the problem here.

1:16:45 Adam Yeah, all right.

1:16:47 Drew Florida.

1:16:47 Adam Hey Florida, I'm going Germany.

1:16:49 Drew All right, split.

1:16:50 Caller It was actually Lando Lake, Florida.

1:16:54 Adam Man, thanks buddy. Oh, for two tonight, Drew's brought his-

1:16:58 Drew He brought Florida here for somehow.

1:17:00 Adam Florida's a nudist, a good nudist place, but you know, the Germans are into that stuff too.

1:17:05 Drew Oh, I know, but the pedophilic quality to it. Germans just into the weird macabre. This had a purpose. This was a, here's the Americans. Americans believe their own BS.

1:17:16 Adam Yeah.

1:17:17 Drew The Germans don't BS. They're just weird. This is like, oh, isn't it lovely and natural? It's like, oh, give me a stop.

1:17:25 Adam Yeah, Americans, that's that same, we're talking about the toxins building up in your colon and it's natural to be.

1:17:33 Drew We do crazy things and then we justify it with total BS. We buy it.

1:17:37 Adam Right.

1:17:39 Drew Cannot judge.

1:17:39 Adam We cannot, we cannot because everything's the same. John?

1:17:43 Caller Yeah.

1:17:44 Adam You're 18?

1:17:45 Drew Yep.

1:17:46 Adam Your girlfriend was tight the first time you had sex with her?

1:17:48 Caller Yeah.

1:17:49 Adam And now she's loose?

1:17:51 Well, yeah, pretty much, yeah.

1:17:54 Adam You may have yoked her out?

1:17:55 Caller Why?

1:17:57 Adam They call it yoking.

1:17:59 Drew Just fine yoking. For those of us that aren't mechanically inclined.

1:18:03 Adam I would call, once in a while, sometimes you take a drill bit and you just drill a hole in something. And sometimes you take the drill bit, you drop it in and then you move it around in like an oval shape, you know what I mean? You're yoking it out. So we call it yoked out. That's what we always call it.

1:18:20 Drew That's the type of John's girlfriend, huh?

1:18:22 Adam Yeah. Did you move the drill bit around or did you just drop it in?

1:18:26 We moved it all around.

1:18:27 Drew There you go.

1:18:30 Adam So what do you think? She may be cheating on you?

1:18:32 Yeah, I'm kind of suspecting yet.

1:18:34 Adam Guaranteed.

1:18:37 Drew John, look, that is ridiculous. Women, when they're tighter, it's because they're nervous. Now that she's probably relaxed, you're getting her normal tone.

1:18:48 Adam How she is with the other dates. What, how long has it been? You had sex for the first time and then when was the second time?

1:18:57 Caller Well, we had sex like a long time. We've been for about four or five months now.

1:19:01 And like two weeks ago, we had it. It was good. And then like a week ago, it was a lot different.

1:19:10 Adam John, what are you, you're heading toward junior college. You're actually in junior college or you may be past it. You may be into doing something involving metal.

1:19:20 I'm just working full time. I have saving up for college and stuff.

1:19:24 Drew Doing what?

1:19:25 Caller Working full time.

1:19:26 Drew Doing what?

1:19:27 Working on a casino.

1:19:29 Adam On a casino.

1:19:30 Caller Yeah.

1:19:31 Adam What are you doing?

1:19:33 Caller Just basically public relations, greeting, promotions.

1:19:38 Drew Everything. For a casino. We think you're like construction.

1:19:41 Adam You're doing roofing.

1:19:42 Drew Yeah.

1:19:42 Caller No.

1:19:44 Adam You're working for the casino.

1:19:45 Caller Yeah.

1:19:46 Drew Are you Indian? North Carolina Indian?

1:19:49 Adam No. And public relations. It means you're handing out tiporellas at the door or something, right? Well, your girlfriend's not cheating. John sounds like such a delight. Aren't 18-year-old guys the best?

1:20:13 Drew Dynamic. Dynamic is the word that came just jumped into my mind.

1:20:15 Adam I hate guys. Working at the, it's in Fresno. Oh, they got Indian gaming over there?

1:20:23 Drew They must.

1:20:24 Adam Yeah. Let's not, let me just reiterate something to the kids that are listening. Gambling, wrong. It is wrong. Unless you're playing the lottery.

1:20:35 Drew Horses.

1:20:36 Adam The horses or-

1:20:38 Drew Football, oh, no, no, wait, that's very wrong.

1:20:40 Adam That's wrong. But dogs, no problems there. And then Black Jack's wrong, but Pie Gow and Texas Hold'em, that's fine.

1:20:51 Drew In tournaments.

1:20:52 Adam It all just makes perfect sense. It all makes perfect sense.

1:20:57 Drew Not arbitrary.

1:20:58 Adam No, it's the government, but they're stupid. Jesus Christ.

1:21:02 Drew We do the same thing with drugs and alcohol, by the way. It's the same kind of crazy logic or non-logic.

1:21:09 Adam I understand that. But at least, I don't know, to me that has more of a downside. Although being addicted to gambling is a horrible thing and it ruins arguably as many lives as drugs, although probably not quite as many.

1:21:28 Drew Yeah, but it's not clear that making certain things legal and certain things illegal do a damn thing.

1:21:33 Adam Right.

1:21:34 Drew Prohibition, generally not a great strategy.

1:21:38 Adam I'm just insulted by the constant lottery commercials that are played when you're really just taking money out of poor ethnics, really.

1:21:47 Drew Yeah, but we're gonna support the schools.

1:21:48 Adam Yeah, you're doing a great job. The schools out here, oh my goodness. They are a wonderland of education. Yeah.

1:21:58 Drew And those that infrastructure. Oh my God. Sparkly.

1:22:01 Adam That's the whole thing. I mean, you know, the lottery is just for a bunch of toothless retards using their, you know, government cheese money to go down in their house, coating slippers and drop five bucks on a dream. And by the way, I don't like the message that the lottery sends. The government should not be sponsoring a, hey, here's your ticket out of the hell known as your life. The government's message should be, look, join in, work hard, don't F up, pay your taxes. And you know what? You can have pretty damn good life. Not here's your shot out of this S house known as your life. That's what it's saying. The people that buy lottery tickets are saying, I don't think I'm gonna do it on my own. I think if I'm gonna get lucky, otherwise I'm gonna be cooking off this hot plate, living in the Roach Motel for the rest of my life. And the idea that the government gladly sells lottery tickets to people that should be putting that money toward their children or more importantly, dental care for themselves is really, it's reprehensible. It's sort of despicable. I mean, I'm sure they've done profiles on what the average lottery buyer looks like here, especially in the Los Angeles area. And these are guys that are living under the poverty level. And have less than a 10th grade education and are making minimum wage if they're working at all.

1:23:36 Drew Lightning round?

1:23:37 Adam Nah, I'm too angry at the government now. They really, is that what we want our guys doing? And basically saying, listen, thank you. The only way we're gonna be, hey, hey, you wanna support our school, don't you?

1:23:50 Drew Give us beer nuts over here.

1:23:51 Adam Yeah, Drew, you wanna eat while I'm on a rant?

1:23:53 Drew I do, I do, I wanna sit and enjoy.

1:23:55 Adam What kind of message is this too? Hey, you don't want our schools to go to hell in a basket. How about we work a society where we sort of focus on the schools and maybe prioritize a little? It's not just welfare.

1:24:05 Drew More music.

1:24:05 Adam Hey, if some of you get off your ass and buy a few lottery tickets, maybe we can get the kids to gymnasium. If not, we'll have to cancel all the afterschool programs.

1:24:13 Drew Oh well.

1:24:14 Caller Yeah, how about that?

1:24:16 Adam All right, Drew, now you eating has got me off my roll.

1:24:19 Drew Oh, I'm sorry.

1:24:20 Adam I don't like you sitting there eating while I waste my precious breath.

1:24:24 Drew It's so enjoyable though.

1:24:25 Adam You can't hear correctly when you're chewing.

1:24:27 Caller Bring food every night, Drew. Just chew on down, yeah.

1:24:32 Drew Sorry, Louis.

1:24:33 Adam Drew, you're not against the lottery?

1:24:35 Drew Very much.

1:24:36 Adam It is despicable, is it not?

1:24:38 Drew I was enjoying your rant, I really was.

1:24:40 Adam Oh, you were?

1:24:40 Drew I wanted to sit and eat and enjoy.

1:24:43 Adam Have a couple more nuts.

1:24:44 Drew Thank you, thank you.

1:24:45 Adam I'm gonna fire myself back up again.

1:24:47 Drew Listen, think of the person that's buying the lottery ticket. What should the message that guy be receiving and what should he be doing with that money?

1:24:56 Adam Wash your goddamn feet and get to work. Here's another dream that ain't gonna come true, but don't worry, maybe next week, maybe next week. Hey, and keep using that wonderful logic of yours. We take your birth date, your mom's birth date, and the first two letters of your cat that you got drunk and slept on and suffocated the other night. Check the phone, convert those into numbers, and then play those. I like the strategy, by the way. It's a superstitious strategy.

1:25:28 Drew I'm the primitive man.

1:25:29 Adam Yes, you get primitive idiots doing this.

1:25:32 Caller I saw a homeless guy buy $5 worth of chains just yesterday at 7-Eleven.

1:25:37 Adam Of course, I'm always standing behind one of these smelly tards that's in their slippers trying to buy a goddamn lottery ticket. It's really, not only does it just sort of congest the convenience stores, because you got these idiots standing in front of you, it always takes a long time too, because the guy's giving them the numbers. Well, by the way, the guy buys the lottery ticket, speaks some English, not a whole lot. Whoever's behind the counter at the 7-Eleven speaks no English.

1:26:05 Drew And not the language of the homeless.

1:26:07 Adam Yeah, and between the two of them, it's like, it's really like two guys from two different countries, drunk, trying to give directions to the embassy. It's just, I'm just standing behind me, like, look, how about I leave my wallet here, just go back and get a pack of smokes, or I want to get a six or a beer. Can I just leave the $20? I know you guys, he's pointing and grunting at the scratchers. Jesus Christ, stupid commercials. And by the way, how come the stupid commercials just got a bunch of like, stupid commercials, always the white guy in his 50s who's driving his nice pickup truck into the office. No, no, that ain't who's buying the tickets, you pussies. It's homeless people, idiots. You're just preying on them. I don't know how many millions they spend each year. Most of it is panhandled or just in the form of government checks that get hammered and then spent back into the school system.

1:27:13 Drew School fees come to that money.

1:27:14 Adam Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're always out of money. And the school's always a dump and there's nothing we can do about it. And a lovely message to the kids too. Anyway, have your retarded parents drop a few more bucks on some lottery tickets. Maybe we could buy you some pencils. Laughing time is over. All right, I'm gonna take a break. We'll be back. Loveline. We'll be right back. That's Dr. Drew. Oh, no. Blah. Nah, I don't got any lightning around in me. I'm too disgusted with this city. Drew got me more angry during the commercial break telling me about the lottery and the commercials. Why do they have commercials? They really need commercials? Don't the idiots who buy those tickets, the retards, the unemployable, the vagrants who buy those lottery tickets, don't they know about it? We gotta remind them, hey loser, sober up and get your disease riddled ass off your crappy worked in sofa and drag your sorry sack out to the liquor store and stand in front of me and smell up the lobby. We gotta have commercials. How about we just let the people buy the tickets who wanna buy the tickets. We gotta entice them. Let's get going. Hey, here's something. Here's a nice addictive behavior. Hey, hey, Drew, let me ask you this. They have a cigarette commercials on television? Evil. Yeah, can't have one.

1:29:04 Drew Right.

1:29:05 Adam Why? Why?

1:29:06 Drew Because it contributes to addictive behaviors.

1:29:08 Adam They're bad.

1:29:09 Drew Damaging behaviors.

1:29:10 Adam Damaging. That's not good.

1:29:12 Drew Wait a minute. Cambling's a bad thing too.

1:29:17 Adam What? What?

1:29:19 Drew What?

1:29:20 Adam State runs these lottery, lotto commercials up to Wazoo, but they make cigarette ads. Oh, that's illegal.

1:29:27 Drew Well, that's bad. That's bad.

1:29:28 Adam That's bad. Yeah. Okay. Idiots.

1:29:31 Caller It makes it harder to buy smoke, so you gotta wait in line.

1:29:34 Adam It is true. The lottery is like an anti-smoking campaign because you have to stand behind really stinky people. Jason?

1:29:42 Yeah.

1:29:43 Adam You're 20? What's up?

1:29:46 Caller Basically, I went to the doctor today because I noticed the last two times I'm masturbated, there was like blood in my semen. And so I went to the doctor and he basically did like a urine analysis and like a checkup. I didn't find anything wrong. But like he said, it was something like some males get it, like some anemia type of thing. Basically, like where blood gets in your semen, and they don't really have an explanation for it, but it's not that bad.

1:30:20 Adam Drew, remember when you had that scare about the blood in your semen and then it turned out to be the other dude's semen?

1:30:27 Drew Yeah, it was quite a relief.

1:30:29 Adam Yeah, real sigh of relief.

1:30:30 Drew Jason, where are we going with this?

1:30:31 Caller Well, basically like you seem kind of hokey. So I was wearing like basically Drew, what you knew about it. Also he said that I could go ahead and just keep being like sexual and stuff.

1:30:42 Drew About blood. Your question is what does blood in the semen mean?

1:30:46 Adam Well, yes.

1:30:47 Drew Okay. 99% of the time it means nothing. So your doctor's absolutely right. There can occasionally mean something. It's worth getting a blood count. It's worth them checking your testes and worth them maybe doing your analysis, these sorts of things. But that's just kind of fishing around for trouble. The vast majority of the time it means absolutely nothing.

1:31:06 Adam All right. Real fast like, huh?

1:31:09 Drew What happened to the actual question that we see up there?

1:31:12 Adam Ah, who cares? Ashley, I don't read those things. You're 18?

1:31:16 Caller Yes, I am.

1:31:17 Adam Your 26 year old boyfriend's got Epididymidus? Epididymidus?

1:31:24 Caller Yes, Epididymidus. Right. I've been seeing this guy for two years and he has a live-in girlfriend who is 27. And she is monogamous with him and he is my one and only sex partner.

1:31:41 Drew This is all getting very confusing to me. So he's having affairs with you.

1:31:45 Adam What is that epididymitis?

1:31:46 Drew Epididymosis is inflammation of the epididymus.

1:31:49 Adam How about that?

1:31:50 Drew The top of the sac.

1:31:53 Caller And...

1:31:54 Adam What are you doing with this guy? He's got a live-in girlfriend?

1:31:57 Caller Well, he's really good. I like him.

1:32:01 Adam So whatever. Yeah. Ashley, you need therapy.

1:32:03 Drew He's got epididymitis from all the screwing he's doing.

1:32:06 Adam Yeah. He's banging you. He's banging her. He's probably got screwing the pooch. Oh, you did?

1:32:12 Caller Yes, but I'm wondering, should I get, should I get checked for chlamydia or for anything else? And is it all right to have sex with him after two weeks? He's been on antibiotics and I'm-

1:32:28 Drew Yes, yes, you should be checked. Yes, it's okay. After you've been checked, it's okay. After two weeks, have sex with him. Epididymitis usually is not, it's not actually usually even infectious. It's just inflammatory, but antibiotics are usually part of the treatments.

1:32:42 Adam Now, why don't you get some therapy? You're screwed up. I can hear it. Don't apologize to me, but you got problems. Like one of those, I don't know, like a fat chick in a Wicca. What's going on?

1:33:01 Caller No, I'm just a university student working at Disneyland and.

1:33:05 Adam No, no, big ass, mad at dad. What is it?

1:33:11 Caller No, not too bad.

1:33:12 Caller I'm all right, I'm all right.

1:33:15 Adam No, no, no matter how many times you repeat that, you got serious problems. I guarantee you. Get into therapy and stop being so goddamn smug. All right, take a quick break, we'll be right back.

1:33:26 Caller Alright guys, here's the deal. You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

1:33:32 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:33:33 Drew Call the Dateline.

1:33:34 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:33:37 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:33:59 Adam Well that's the show. Thanks for listening everybody.

1:34:02 Drew Once again, all social ill is cured.

1:34:04 Adam That's right. We took care of a lot of business tonight, Drew. Got a lot of syllables out there in the space. Tomorrow night, we're gonna have, no, and we're not having Benji now from Good Charlotte, right?

1:34:15 Drew Right, it's gonna be Joel. Benji's stuck in another country, they said.

1:34:19 Adam John from Goldfinger, I haven't seen him in a million years, and Burt McCracken is coming in from the US. So lots of bands, lots of faces. All right, so until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

1:34:42 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Wednesday, March 24, 2004