Episode 1000593870932

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

1:00 Caller Love Line with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:04 Adam Hey everybody, it's the Love Line. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LLV-E-191. Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Addiction Medicine Specialist.

1:13 Drew More home improvement stories with Adam Carolla.

1:15 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Dr. Drew and the hissy. Wow, what brings you to the show, buddy?

1:21 Drew I almost had to go to New York today, dude.

1:23 Adam Good times.

1:24 Yeah.

1:26 Adam A nice happy Presidents Day. Let me tell you something about this holiday as I was sitting with all the people that work around a table at noon. Mm-hmm. First off, if you're not working, shut your pie hole. The people that are working don't need to hear about what you're planning on doing today. Yeah. As my wife is all full of this. I'm going to sleep in, then maybe I'll go to the beach, am I taking a movie? That's great. You got all kinds of plans. That's everything. Have the decorum. Have the quiet dignity and the decency not to say anything to those of us who have to go to whatever our jobs are. Even though my job's not like really having a job, technically still had to go to work today. Okay, number one. Number two, let's just decide whether this is a holiday or not and either take it or don't take it.

2:16 Drew Thank you. The half holiday is a bad idea.

2:21 Adam It's confusing. It's a dangerous message to the kids. It's tough for those of us who have to work because now it's like not only going to work but someone just hit you in the knee with a bat.

2:31 Drew You're not sure what's open. You've accumulated a bunch of stuff, but you've also accumulated a bunch of things at your work when you were working that are incomplete now because nobody else was there. You needed to finish the jobs.

2:41 Adam Right. Always a little unclear what's open, what's not open. You know, the schools aren't open, the banks aren't open. What about the linoleum city? Is that going to be open?

2:52 Drew Probably.

2:53 Adam Probably. I went down to linoleum city, actually, today, by the way. This is a great name. By the way, I missed the part where people just put city behind whatever, plungers.

3:03 Drew Carpet city.

3:04 Adam Just whatever you were selling, pow, the word city just goes behind it. It's always a little disappointing when you show up, though.

3:11 Drew Not a city.

3:12 Adam Not quite. Not quite a city. But, yeah, a couple of acoustic panels coming off the ceiling and some poor guy waiting to die behind the counter trying to sell linoleum adhesive.

3:24 Drew My wife took in a film today because they had some time on it. So my kid's 51st dates for the second time and my wife loved it. I thought, okay, Susan, we're going to talk about you for two hours.

3:40 Adam Yeah. And then you get in the bullet in the head. For her own good. For her own good? Yeah, absolutely.

3:45 Drew Admittedly.

3:46 Adam Drew.

3:46 Drew I wouldn't do it if it were just for me. It's because I love her so much. It's because I love her so much. I know.

3:50 Adam You're a doctor. But please.

3:53 Drew The suffering is too much. It's too much.

3:55 Adam Yeah. Do no harm. But more harm by her walking the planet, loving that movie. All right. No, Rob Schneider. Dear, dear friend. Now here's the thing. All I'm saying is, and then somebody I was working with today had a good idea, which is if you're a Democrat and you voted Democrat and there's a Democratic president in the office, you get to celebrate the holiday. The holiday.

4:18 Caller That's good.

4:19 Adam If it's a Republican, you voted Republican. First off, getting people out to the polls.

4:24 Caller Motivating you.

4:25 Adam So here's the thing. Only the people that vote get the holiday and only your guy, I mean, you put your money on this horse, that horse got to come in.

4:35 Drew As usual, just go with what works. Motivate people, right? Self-interest, always motivate.

4:40 Adam What if you just told, I swear to Christ, I know it's pathetic, it would certainly work on me. If you just told people, look, you'll get a couple of these holidays off over the course of each year if you just go out and vote A, people vote B, they'd really work their strategy. And I really like the idea of the people gloating a little bit who get this day off because their guy is in office.

5:02 Drew It'll be fun.

5:02 Adam Yeah, and last, it'll keep moving around, it would have been Clinton, Clinton had a pretty good run. You would have got eight years off in a row if you were a Democrat.

5:10 Drew Good times.

5:11 Adam Now you got four.

5:11 Drew Might have converted some people over in the middle of the night.

5:14 Adam All right. That is, that's my plan. That's my President's Day plan. But I'm just saying, with any holiday, and the same with all the Jewish holidays, either we're all in or we're all out. It's torture for those of us who are going to work having, especially with the questions, are you taking, you guys aren't working, you're not doing, especially with this show. We rarely get any days off on this show. And it's always that, why are you guys, where are you going, going to work? Well, you don't have, yes, I do.

5:41 Drew We do that on weeknights, normally. What night is your show? It's a Friday through Sunday?

5:48 Adam That's my family. I figure, come on, come by the show, 730 Friday. Dad's show's not on Friday, nor is it on at 730. Anything else you want to miss out? What do you call me, Alan? Alan, I'd like to come by at 730 on Friday and do that show with Dr. Dre. Yeah, that's family. One last quick thing. I got a car. It's a black car. It's one of these Denali's. They gave it to me for a couple months to drive around. It's one of these show business things. It's got a little scrape on it, a little white paint on it. It's up on the fender. It's up on the bumper. I'll rub it out at my leisure. Listen all you J-offs that are coming by, everyone in the... What happened here?

6:37 Caller Shut up! Shut up!

6:41 Adam All of you, shut up! Is everybody... Really? What do you think happened? A rabbit rubbed its ass on the fender. I clipped something, you idiot! Jesus F! Does everybody have that... What is that impulse? Everybody! Oh, what happened here? What have I hit a leprechaun? What do you think?

7:02 Caller I hit something!

7:03 Caller What do you think happened?

7:08 Adam A commando paratrooper was falling out of the sky and clipped the thing. I hit a unicorn.

7:15 Drew Unicorn, yeah.

7:15 Adam What do you think, you effing retards? I hit something!

7:19 Drew Of course, they're pointing out...

7:20 Adam I feel stupid enough!

7:21 Yeah, yeah, they're pointing it out.

7:22 Adam What do you want to do? How about a nice knee in the groin? And by the way, is this something that's that foreign to you? What do you call that? What do you call that? A scrape? What is that? So, you're saying the process of a sheet metal automobile making contact with a cinder block wall leaves a mark. Interesting. And this is called what? Is this a vehicle?

7:46 Drew We'll have to study this.

7:47 Adam Let's study it. You know what I... Never seen a bumper that's been scraped on anything, you jackass! Shut up! God damn, I've had 80 people come up to me. Hey, what's going on? What is this? It's really... It's like a caveman looking into a mirror or something.

8:09 Drew But it's all your buddies.

8:09 Adam Oh my God, what is this?

8:11 Drew It's got to be those pseudo guys you work with, right?

8:13 Adam It's everybody. It's strangers, it's young and old, it's friends, it's enemies. It's really... it's like they're looking at the southern lights.

8:24 Drew Really?

8:25 Adam The northern lights?

8:25 Drew Northern lights.

8:26 Adam Yeah, it's like... Ah, mystery. And really, is there a real question as to what happened? Is there really a question? What do you think? And by the way, what's it look like? What's it smell like? Does it smell like something? Smell like... Does it smell like tapioca? What are you seeing? I made contact with something, you a-hole.

8:47 Drew Ah, a little flooring mishap today.

8:53 Adam No, it's all fine. I'm just saying, look, when I see a person with a dent in their car or a scrape on their bumper, I walk up, what happened here?

9:02 I think it's a retort.

9:05 Adam Please, would you back?

9:06 Drew I think it's a retort. I'll back you up. I'll back you up. They gotta be kidding.

9:09 Adam Jesus F, you shut up.

9:12 Drew No, they're not kidding.

9:13 Adam Look, I understand.

9:14 Drew But I mean, they're not kidding, but they're being retorting.

9:17 Adam No, I mean, look, I understand. If I'm standing in front of somebody's car...

9:20 Drew It's a kind way of saying, how'd you do that?

9:22 Adam That sucks. If I'm standing in front of you, if we're talking, I'm busting your balls, telling you what a bad driver you are, and you go, I'm a bad guy. What happened over here? That's one thing. This is sort of working into every third conversation we have, like what happened, and to act like you're seriously... Confused. Do you ever get any answer?

9:39 Drew No.

9:39 Adam Yeah, yeah, hit a gator, who, is there a celebrity, I, what?

9:45 Drew With white stuff comes off of him.

9:47 Adam Yeah, no, I hit something. Idiots. Oh, Jesus Christ. You know, things like, I don't want to have to go rub the thing out, I'll go rub the thing out. I wasn't going to do it.

10:03 Drew But now...

10:04 Adam I got to turn the car in in a month, I'll just do it the day before I got a whatever. Now, I have to do it to shut everyone up. Oh, what is this? Such a thing. I've never... A bumper making contact with a hole. Shut up! Tristan? Jackasses.

10:23 Drew Hey, what's up there?

10:26 Adam Mm-hmm.

10:27 Drew What's up?

10:28 Adam What's happening?

10:30 I have been with this guy and we've been together for a year and a half. And we both lost our virginity to each other at 18 and he's 70. And now I'm six months pregnant with his baby and he's always, like, on and off and on a couple. And I really don't like it anymore. I'm, like, kind of getting sick of being, like, back up, I guess.

10:57 Drew What does he plan to do with this child?

10:59 He wants to join the Navy so he can have the money to have, give the child a better life than we had.

11:06 Adam Ooh.

11:08 Drew Yeah.

11:08 Adam If you're going to give your child a better life than you had on $866 a month, you must have been raised in a coffee can by a homeless people.

11:19 Drew Ferrets. Raccoons.

11:21 Adam Yeah. I mean, what better life than you had?

11:23 Drew Ship monks.

11:24 Adam Join the Navy. Yeah.

11:25 Drew But that's what she's talking about. That's why you get that trauma voice here.

11:27 Adam You go to the joint, you get a better life than you had than you did in the Navy.

11:31 Drew They're going to elevate this child by him being absent but having some money.

11:36 Adam Well, what? Wait. What? Who brought you up? Like a toothless miner?

11:41 So, my mom and my stepdad, they were really great.

11:53 Drew But what?

11:54 He didn't. He was really poor.

11:57 Drew So, when you said you were going to give the child more than we had, you were talking the child.

12:08 Adam Six.

12:08 Drew And what's your plan with the pregnancy?

12:11 I'm going to go with it, have the baby and keep it, you know, because I have a lot of people supporting me, and then I have a daytime job.

12:19 Drew What's that? For kicks?

12:22 I have a job.

12:23 Drew What's your job? Starbucks. Good times. Chris gives that two thumbs up.

12:34 Adam How about, why, does Chris work at Starbucks?

12:37 Drew His brother works at Starbucks. Chris is hoping to work at Starbucks someday. Oh, really?

12:42 Adam You've got to start with a stepping stone place like Derwiner-Schnitzel or something and then work your way up. Okay. How about we tie a weather balloon and a battery operated fan to the kid and give him a real chance just after birth, like a weather balloon to the bassinet and one of those mini portable hand fans that takes a couple AA batteries, politicians can blow it on their face on hot days when they're campaigning in Louisiana. We'll just tape that on to the bassinet and send the kid, hopefully they'll get up to the jet stream.

13:19 Drew Yeah, just over to the St.Gerberle, she's calling from Palm Springs, but here's the deal. You're going to have this baby. He is going to be financially responsible for it, so it's good that he's trying to make some money to do so. It sounds like he's not going to be in his or her life. It doesn't sound like you're at a point in your life where having a child is the greatest idea and if you really want to give this child a fighting chance, how about giving it to a couple parents who are ready to raise a child and give it up for adoption?

13:43 Adam Yeah, because Tristan sounds cute and nice, but I would not want her watching my turtle over, like, a short weekend, like, if I was leaving Saturday morning.

13:57 Drew You're talking about a little, not the tortoise, but a little...

14:00 Adam Small turtle.

14:01 Drew If I was coming with the plastic bull with the palm tree in the middle...

14:04 Adam Palm tree. That's your natural habitat, a four and a half inch plastic palm tree is what the normal is.

14:09 Drew With a ramp and a palm tree.

14:10 Adam Yeah, they could sun themselves on the beach. Okay, if I was leaving for a short trip on Saturday at noon and then coming home Sunday evening and I'd already fed the turtle. Really didn't even have to drop it off, but I didn't want the cat getting to it. And I just set it down and don't look at it, don't touch it. I would call a couple times, how's the turtle? Put the turtle on. I don't trust you. You see what I'm saying? And then when she returned the turtle, I would lick my shirt tail and wipe it on the shell to make sure it wasn't a new turtle that had been painted up.

14:51 Drew Do you remember, this may be before your time, a few years older than you, the day, we used to go out to the Galley County Fair and stuff and they would sell turtles and lizards and chameleons on pins and the turtles would have painted shells and you'd put the live animal on your shirt. I don't remember how they had it stuck on there but like glued to the shell or something.

15:11 Adam Really? It was crazy stuff. Wow. Pre-Peta stuff.

15:16 Drew That's how weird we've been.

15:19 Adam I remember the turtle craze.

15:21 Drew The turtle you'd get them in a little bin, a little bowl. There was a while there where they were wearing them in pins or something or clothing.

15:29 Adam Turtles were popular for a while. What's not to love about turtles, it's really like having a hockey puck. It's like taking a hockey puck.

15:37 Drew Well, most of the time.

15:40 Adam Sometimes it moves, but not really. By the way, I don't know what the range of the hockey puck is going to be when it's just sitting inside a mason jar. Essentially, it's just like you've got a green hockey puck, you set it inside a jar, outside of one of those old 50s style.

15:54 Drew They used to paint their shells, little flowers on them.

15:57 Caller Oh, yes.

15:57 Drew What?

15:58 Caller Oh, yes.

15:59 Adam Did you have one? Did you get one?

16:01 Drew I remember having a normal one. I don't remember the painted stuff.

16:06 Adam Oh, we didn't get out to the fair too often. I don't even imagine that with the corollas.

16:09 Drew No, really?

16:10 Adam And then the swirl art and the caricatures, you on the skateboard with the hearts coming out of your heads.

16:17 Drew Oh, I saw many of you as a kid.

16:19 Adam T-shirts, that kind of stuff. That's for the Rockefeller. That's wild. That's not even way out. Don't even dream. Don't even dream of the swirl art.

16:29 Drew Spin art, spin art.

16:30 Adam Spin art, spin art. That's great. Oh, no, that's $2. That's the GMP of the United States. Angela?

16:41 Caller Hi, how are you guys?

16:42 Adam You're 23? Good. What's up?

16:45 Caller I have a question for Dr. Drew. Can you guys hear me okay?

16:49 Drew Yep, loud and clear.

16:52 Caller I just recently moved in with my brother who is 24. I moved in right before he got out of rehab. He's a heroin addict.

17:03 Drew Did you participate in the treatment?

17:07 Caller I, as far as what, visiting him and stuff?

17:10 Drew No, going to the family treatment.

17:13 Caller I wasn't really too much aware of him going to treatment and talking towards the end of it. I went to visit him a couple of times.

17:21 Drew No, visitation is nothing. It's actually participating in the therapeutic process.

17:27 Caller No.

17:27 Drew You didn't do that. Okay, got it.

17:28 All right.

17:29 Drew What's the question?

17:31 Caller He's been a heroin addict for about a year and a half now. The question I have is what are some signs of relapse? Because last night I have a feeling he may have relapsed, but I don't know how to go about it.

17:46 Adam Needle hanging out of his arm.

17:48 Drew There are several things you can look for. A. If you feel like he relapsed, he did. If he's not going to two or three meetings a day, he's going to relapse. Even during the President's Day, holiday. How long was he in treatment for?

18:03 Caller About a month.

18:06 Drew He should spend at least three months in a sober living. They need a lot of time from heroin. And coming right back to the home environment, that's of course not going to change anything.

18:16 Caller He does go to his NA meetings, and I do participate in that. He doesn't have a vehicle. I take him to his meetings, and he asks me to go with him.

18:28 Drew Well, you go to Al-Anon. Well, he should be calling his sponsor and getting a ride from the sponsor, and you should be going to Al-Anon, or Anarchanon, or something of that sort.

18:36 Caller Well, you're his sister? I'm new to all this.

18:40 Drew Yeah, well, you've got to find out if he doesn't have a sponsor, he's also in the NA.

18:44 Caller He has a sponsor.

18:45 Adam Why do you live with him?

18:46 Caller Basically to give him some kind of support.

18:51 Adam Hold on a second, basically always bad.

18:53 Drew Yeah, it's like right now.

18:55 Adam Yeah, ask me where I'm going to school. Where are you going to school? Right now.

19:01 Drew But why are you living with your mom right now?

19:04 Adam Did you have to work right now? It was good.

19:07 Drew No, because then you couldn't say right now, you'd say basically.

19:10 Adam Yeah, but that's not, no, no, you're crap, though. Yeah, basically, right now for work, school is bad and living for basically is bad, although she's trying to help her brother. Angela? So are you working? Yes, I am. Right now you're?

19:30 Drew Uh-oh. Where? Southern Florida.

19:39 Adam And by the way, just a quick, so it's University of Southern Florida?

19:43 Drew Yeah.

19:48 Adam That's a totally different direction. A quick cut, just okay, but she's right, but no, it's just a quickie for everybody, and it's going to be a real tall order. You know, if you're going to, you know, Duke or something, I mean, here's a point. Spell it out. Like the, you know, first off, a lot of these, like USC.

20:09 Drew Southern Carolina.

20:10 Adam That's right. Southern California. Some of them have, some of the letters have a few colleges, but I think if you go to smaller colleges that the rest of the country may or may not have heard of, say the whole thing. We run into this a lot. I know for you, it's, you know, it's your college, but you know, not everyone knows. Hey, Angela. You're a good woman for taking care of your brother, but I also wonder if it's a great idea for you to hang out and get immersed in that situation.

20:45 Drew Well, here's the deal. If you're going to be living with somebody who's early in recovery, you can only be a help if you're part of the solution, otherwise you remain part of the problem. By being part of the solution, you have to be engaged in some kind of therapeutic process yourself, like Al-Anon or something of that sort. You have to get your own sponsor. So in situations like this, as opposed to calling a radio show, you call your sponsor and go, now what should I be doing?

21:07 Adam Do you get your own sponsor when you're in Al-Anon or something?

21:10 Drew Yes, because when you're involved with an addict, you lose your sense of boundaries and you get spun by them. You need to be able to sound, that's why she called us, you need to sound off with somebody else and sort of try to figure out what you're feeling or not, and they're very good and very manipulative.

21:23 Adam Oh, yeah. I meant sponsors.

21:25 Drew No, no.

21:26 Adam I've never heard you talk about getting an Al-Anon sponsor.

21:30 Drew Al-Anon sponsor, yeah. No, you know what I say, is you need to work the steps in Al-Anon, and that's with a sponsor.

21:36 Adam I know. You just never hear about the sober person getting a sponsor. You hear about them going to Al-Anon or participating in the recovery, but you never hear about them actually getting their own sponsor. I guess you could do the math, and you always stop there, but I don't think the average person thinks about that. Patricia. Hey, Patricia. You're 18. What's up?

21:58 Caller Well, I kind of have a problem right now.

22:02 Right now?

22:03 Caller yeah, it came up maybe like a week ago. Actually, I've been a lesbian for a very long time, but I guess you could say I went back to men for a little bit, but it kind of gave me this problem. Well, I guess I had to manel sex, and I got a rash from it, and I've tried a lot of things, and I just recently got with a girl again, and we just don't know what to do.

22:30 Adam By the way, talk about diving back in heterosexuality.

22:34 Drew She kind of went back, but it kind of makes sense.

22:36 Adam You go back with a vengeance, my friend.

22:38 Drew It sounds like she was brutalized by men, turns to women. Go back to more brutality with men.

22:45 Adam Interesting. Because, I mean, like I said, it's one thing to be a lesbian and hook up with a guy, maybe a little oral and makeout session.

22:54 Drew No, no.

22:55 Adam Right back to the corn-holing depot. Pow! You're thinking, okay, I'm with you, Drew. Patricia? Were you ever abused by men?

23:08 Caller Earlier on in life.

23:11 Drew And so you go from one, see, that's often, not always, but sometimes what drives women and causes them to choose to be with a woman, I mean, why bother with these men? She found a way back in because she was attracted, but back to brutality, kind of the brutal guy again. But we're going to talk about this rash after the break, huh?

23:26 Adam Yeah, that's good radio, Drew. That's a tease. Plus, the goddamn thing keeps cutting out. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll get back with Patricia and the cornholing dilemma after this. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. Oh, a little plug for Cranky Anchors, which did very nicely last week, and it's coming on Tuesday nights, Comedy Central. Cranky Anchor. Just started the season, by the way, so I figured I'd give it a nice plug. 10.30, Comedy Central, Tuesday nights. All right, where is we here, Drew? We're gonna speak to Patricia, 18. She's a lesbian, but went back.

24:21 Drew Only attracted to the brutal guys.

24:22 Adam To the arms of a man, had a little anal sex.

24:27 Drew Imagine what that was like.

24:30 Adam And Drew probably hit the nail on the head when he said it was just with the, you know, guys brutalized her, got her over to the ladies in the first place. She went back with an a-hole and got an a-hole.

24:41 Drew No pun.

24:42 Adam Right. So Patricia. What happened to you growing up? Drew, please.

24:49 Caller What happened when I was growing up? Well, I got with a few men and they weren't, you know, the nicest people.

24:58 Drew No, we mean with your dad before that.

25:00 Caller With my father?

25:01 Drew Yeah.

25:01 Caller Oh, my father was an incredibly strict person.

25:04 Drew Yeah. Like by strict you mean physically abusive.

25:07 Caller That too, yeah.

25:08 Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

25:09 Caller He was a very rich man that, yeah, didn't take crap and stuff like that.

25:13 Drew Really? Yeah, but magically we knew he physically abused.

25:16 Adam How rich was he? Cause I am.

25:18 Caller Incredibly. Like very, very rich.

25:21 Adam Where'd he get all his money?

25:23 Caller He worked with his father.

25:26 Adam Hold on a second.

25:27 Drew Hey, wait, wait, you gotta get this.

25:28 Adam You gotta take this. Work with them. Okay, so now, well, I'm just gonna, you know, I'm asking the wrong questions. Denver, Patricia, what did his dad do?

25:41 Caller Um, I think he was an architect.

25:45 Adam So your dad was an architect?

25:48 Caller As well, yeah.

25:49 Adam Okay, you can go ahead and say he's an architect.

25:52 Drew So he was a developer? Your dad was a developer?

25:56 Caller Yes.

25:57 Drew Okay.

25:59 Adam Okay, it's all tooth extraction. What'd your dad do? He worked with his dad. You gotta get the whole set up first. He was a rich man. Incredibly. Incredibly rich man. Oh really, what did he do? Worked with his dad.

26:13 Oh, I gotta get into that.

26:17 Adam That's where the big bucks are. Yeah. I'm gonna major in working with my dad. I'm gonna help you, Drew, your kids in college? Work with their dad. Take that as a major.

26:26 Drew I'll see to it.

26:27 Adam Patricia. Uh-huh. Okay, so you don't like guys.

26:31 Drew Poor dad.

26:32 Adam How about some therapy?

26:34 Caller Well, I've been to therapy.

26:36 Adam Oh, but you're gonna need a lot. You need a lot.

26:39 Drew Long term. Long term. Okay, and this rash, is it there all the time or does it come and go?

26:45 Caller It's there all the time.

26:47 Drew Does it hurt?

26:47 Caller Yeah, a lot.

26:50 Drew And how long ago did you have your contact with your buddy?

26:54 Caller Probably like two weeks ago.

26:56 Drew No, no, I mean the girl, the guy. The guy? The guy, yeah.

27:00 Caller Like two weeks ago.

27:00 Drew All right, so this could be, this could easily be herpes. That's probably what this is.

27:06 Adam Sheesh, did you, and by the way, what's the echo? Is something wrong with her phone line in there?

27:11 Drew It's her phone, yeah.

27:12 Adam And by the way, whenever you say what's wrong with the echo and the person says echo, it ironically gets us in deeper. Yeah. So anyway.

27:21 Drew Patricia. You're a lesbian.

27:22 Adam Drew, please. Did you have fever? Did you have a breakout?

27:28 Drew No, she just has it now.

27:30 Adam Yeah, I know, but she didn't have her primary breakout, which I hear can be pretty powerful.

27:39 Drew No, she's having it right now, I think.

27:41 Adam She's not sick.

27:42 Drew You don't have to be sick. You don't have to be sick before.

27:44 Adam It helps.

27:45 Drew It does help.

27:46 Adam So listen, Patricia. Would you shut up, Drew? Do you have any other symptoms? I guess is what I'm saying.

27:53 Caller No, it's just the rash.

27:55 Adam Yeah.

27:55 Drew So you didn't feel achy or weak or anything in the days leading up to the rash breaking out? How come you haven't gotten this checked out?

28:04 Caller I just was hoping it'd go away.

28:06 Adam And here's the thing, too.

28:07 Drew No, that's not a good strategy with especially transmitted diseases, because the ones that go away can add to this.

28:11 Adam And in a rash, hold on. Let me add to this, though. You know, herpes, people normally don't call a rash. I mean, it looks like something.

28:20 Drew Yeah, but you can't see it.

28:22 Adam Oh, believe me. I see stuff. I've looked at my liver before.

28:26 Drew I understand, but you set up a fancy set of mirrors.

28:29 Adam That's how the Egyptians got light to the center of the mirror.

28:33 Not everybody has the genes with the light reflections.

28:35 Adam That's how they did it. They were, yeah. So have you looked?

28:39 Drew You got one of your mirrors. You just hold right by three inches from your nose and you're looking at your tush.

28:43 Adam Oh, buddy.

28:43 Drew Right?

28:44 Adam Shush up. Patricia?

28:46 Caller Yes?

28:47 Adam Have you seen it?

28:48 Caller Have I seen it?

28:49 Drew The rash.

28:50 Caller Yes.

28:51 Drew What does it look like?

28:52 Caller It's really, really red. It kind of looks like incredibly irritated and it's, I guess you could say a little puffy.

29:01 Drew Yeah.

29:03 Caller I don't know.

29:04 Drew All right.

29:05 Adam To the doctor.

29:05 Drew Yes, absolutely. Next caller! Absolutely. Oh, and it's got a little squeamish with that one.

29:11 Adam I just sleep last night, so I was making up for it tonight.

29:14 Drew Well, look, the herpes, again, you can feel kind of weak and achy and maybe even get a full flu syndrome leading up to it. Then you get the outbreak and anything that's painful and burns is herpes still proven otherwise. Rashes and symptoms that go away.

29:26 Adam Wait a minute, hold on. I need to cut you off, but here goes. Because I was talking about this with Dr. Ben or Dr. Jerry or whoever the hell was in here, whatever. And when you get the herpes, you get sick normally. I mean, I start talking, what percentage or whatever. He said, normally when you get your primary breakout, I mean, if you haven't had herpes before, let's put it this way, you will get sick.

29:50 Drew 50% of people with herpes do not know they have it. So to tell, to say that everybody gets a primary outbreak.

29:57 Adam I didn't believe you.

30:00 Drew The point being is that the classic primary outbreak is actually sort of uncommon. There's a classic syndrome, but it's usually people don't get it.

30:07 Adam But you get, okay, here's, I'm not a doctor. I got no idea what I'm talking about. All I know is I'm always right whenever I argue with you, especially when you're talking about this kind of stuff, which is I bet you more than 50% have other symptoms that accompany the rash.

30:22 Drew Yes.

30:22 Adam When they get their primary.

30:24 Drew Yes, I know you're talking about the primary.

30:25 Adam I mean, when they're introduced to it.

30:26 Drew That's what I'm saying. They usually get swollen lymph nodes in their leg.

30:29 Adam Usually.

30:29 Drew Usually, but this is in her rear, so those are not the lymph nodes that drain that area, so she wouldn't feel those lymph nodes.

30:35 Adam Right.

30:35 Drew Some people feel a little funky and weak, but they're young, they don't really notice it.

30:39 Adam Yeah.

30:39 Drew Some people get a full-blown flucid, some people get meningitis, 20% of hepatitis, excuse me, herpes too will get actually, oh, excuse me, actually get a meningitis with this.

30:47 Adam The chosen ones.

30:48 Drew Yeah, so it depends on whether you get one or two.

30:50 Adam What I'm saying is if, before labeling, and every time someone gets an Indian burn, you label it herpes, and I'm just saying, if you ask if they got any fever, they got anything, it's not a bad question.

31:02 Drew Not a bad question. Absolutely not a bad question. But let me, this is an important point to make here.

31:05 Adam Let's agree to disagree.

31:07 Drew That things that go away are usually bad times. In other words, if you have a...

31:11 Adam Flare up and go away.

31:12 Drew A painless rash that goes away, that could be syphilis. That ends up in your brain, it can eat your brain. A discharge and burning and pelvic pain that goes away can end up in your tubes and upscaling up your fertility. So to wait for things to go away when it comes to STD, sexually transmitted infections, worst idea possible.

31:30 Adam Well, I'm not suggesting that. She needs to go get herself looked at. Tim?

31:35 Yo.

31:36 Adam You're 25?

31:37 Caller Yes, sir.

31:38 Adam What's up?

31:39 Caller Well, I'm just not feeling up to par.

31:43 Adam What's the matter? Oh, a small penis? Yeah.

31:47 Caller I'm considering an operation or other means to increase.

31:52 Adam All right. Well, let me talk to you about some penis options. I'm putting them on hold because again, I'm getting some feedback. I don't know if that's going out over the air or not. Spoke to, no. Which shows, look, I always just wish everything that sounded horrible to me just sounded exactly the same way because I'm always just talking about, oh boy, that's horrible and then no one else hears it and I sound like a mad man is talking himself. But anyway, we're getting a little feedback, so I'll put Tim on hold. Dr. Alter, the guy who lops the penises off for living, and proud of it, talked to me extensively about penis enlargements on the air and here's a-

32:32 Drew Oh, not just as a consultation off the air.

32:34 Adam Yeah, how dare you? No. So here are the options. Here's what works and what doesn't work, so on and so on. The fat injections don't work. There's some other thing where they do a sort of pig in a blanket thing where they take like a strip of cells. And by the way, this is the stuff that's donated. You take a look at your driver's license and it's got the donor thing on there. Penis. Yeah, you think Timmy's gonna be able to see again. Like your thing is like, there's a nine-year-old orphan boy that had his eyes gouged out by his drunken stepfather and now, because you bought it on a moped, he's gonna get his corneas back. No. No, it's a Middle Eastern guy who's got tons and tons of old oil money who wants a dork that can be just a little bit fatter so you can bang your sister. That's where your cells are going. That's where your donor's going. But, how about a little heads up on that? And really, this is it? There's no, we can't make the, we can't decipher between the liver being donated to the poor girl who was born with this liver disorder and the guy who wants his dick fatter. It's all going to the same bank. Jesus Christ, and by the way, how about I put half of one of those donor snickers on me? Like, I'm having a good time.

33:50 Drew Let me select, yeah, select what we want to give.

33:52 Adam Yeah, nothing in the cosmetic range. How about that? How about I need to be living on in some guy's dork? You know what I mean? And who knows? I don't know, Drew, I don't have a crystal ball, okay? I might feel like I'm trapped inside this fat Arab guy's penis. Do you see what I mean? Yes. That's my soul.

34:11 Drew Yes.

34:12 Adam That was my only living part.

34:13 Drew It must be purgatory.

34:15 Adam The rest of me cremated.

34:17 Drew Ultimate purgatory.

34:18 Adam And scattered in my mom's backyard because they're too cheap to drive out to the ocean.

34:21 Drew But part of your penis lives on.

34:23 Adam But the only part that lives on is the penis is put inside the Arab guy who's got the old oil money, who's banging underage blondes, possibly family members of mine, okay? That's my legacy.

34:33 Drew Fabulous.

34:34 Adam Okay, I don't want this. Okay, that's the one option. They do the graft on something from dead people, make the penis a little bit fatter. The other one, the lengthening, the pumps don't really work.

34:45 Drew They cut the ligament.

34:46 Adam Snip the ligament, snip enough of it so they can pull it out a little bit, but then you gotta put weights on it.

34:53 Drew Fabulous.

34:53 Adam But it actually works.

34:54 Drew Well, they got an inch out of that?

34:57 Adam Well, unfortunately, it's relative because it's sort of like one of those things where it's like you get 5%, you get 7%, you get 10%, but if you got 4 inches, you only get half an inch. If you got 10 inches, you get an inch and a quarter. You know what I mean? It's unfair to the guys with the big penis. But on the other hand, when you got 4 inches, hey, maybe 13, 16ths is a, you know.

35:22 Drew And that's really it, those are the options.

35:24 Adam That's it, and when you cut that ligament, you gotta keep a weight on it. I mean, you gotta walk, you gotta go to the beach with that thing, and don't go in the water. That's how my cousin died.

35:33 Drew Here's my question for Tim.

35:35 Adam Still at the bottom of the bank. You try to go body serving, the 14 pound weight on a stork, he forgot to take it off before he went to water.

35:42 Drew But Tim, my question, Tim, is did you ever have a girlfriend?

35:45 Adam Tim?

35:46 Drew Tim?

35:46 Caller Yes.

35:47 Drew Have you ever had a relationship?

35:49 Caller Yes, a couple.

35:50 Caller The problem is I have to pull out every trick in the book to get her satisfied. I'm just not cutting it.

35:58 Drew No, Tim, no. See, we know better.

36:01 Adam Either we don't believe you, or you're just an idiot.

36:05 Caller I guess the small penis you fagged.

36:07 Drew What?

36:08 Caller Must be a confident thing, then, because I'm really just...

36:11 Drew That's right. That's the whole deal. The penis becomes a symbol for your worth. And if you're preoccupied about your penis, you need to work on your worth. Get your career going, get something going in the world, get something doing something meaningful that's important to you.

36:25 Adam Right.

36:25 Drew So the small penis won't matter anymore, because as you've heard us say a million times, many times most women do not have orgasm with intercourse. So whatever size it is ain't going to make a big difference that way.

36:35 Adam Well let's say this, let's talk about women for once.

36:38 Drew There are women for whom it makes a difference, and those he shouldn't date.

36:42 Adam Well don't worry, they won't be around for long. But here's the whole thing about women. We haven't talked about this in a while, which is a lot of people think, well women, oh they love cars, they love money, they love big house, they love all these things, all the trappings of the guy who's... No, they like the guy who has that...

37:03 Drew Achieves that, yeah.

37:04 Adam Who A, achieves that. They also like the swagger that the guy has who has that stuff. So here's the thing is, they don't, women don't dislike a guy with a small penis, they dislike a guy who walks around with his shoulders rolled over because he has a small penis.

37:21 Drew Right.

37:22 Adam So it's actually becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

37:26 Drew Absolutely. Absolutely.

37:28 Adam Drew, it sounds like you have a small dick when you agree that...

37:31 Drew No, that men do that. Absolutely. You know I don't. No.

37:36 Adam Drew is a man of exquisite passion who has the means to execute that passion on a woman.

37:45 It is grand.

37:49 Drew I prefer you say in.

37:50 Adam In a woman. Huel Hauser. Huel going to the Teresa factory. You know, it's so funny when Huel Hauser interviews people about their stuff, they actually start getting bored talking to them about it. It's like...

38:07 Drew They're like uncomfortable. Like, yeah, yeah, it's grand, yeah, yeah.

38:10 Adam And how long has your family been making these tortillas? Well, Huel, we started in 1877 when my gran... People are like... People run out of their own... They get bored of their own story talking to Huel. It's so boring. I just love Huel Hauser. Yeah, Huel, here's where we... This is shipping department. So this is where you ship the tortillas. Yeah, Huel will ship them out of this, thus the shipping department title. So, this is where they're shipping... We put them on a truck. A truck!

38:49 Caller Oh my god. Now, this is wonderful.

38:52 Adam Jesus Christ, I gotta get on a public television. Here's the whole thing. They don't have to be funny. They don't have to be interesting. You don't have to do anything. The government just pays you. That's right. And by the way, no competition. Government funding. Huel Hauser, everybody! That's what you get. Eight syllables an hour. It moves like a tree sloth through a Teresa family in San Fernando Valley. That's what you get, everybody. Alright. How to get on to that?

39:23 Drew I don't know. We have to take a break.

39:24 Adam We have to take a break. We will be right back. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Hey, Anderson, you got that PSA, the one with the discrimination in the apartment rental thing? I knew the second one. I was having a, all right, I'm gonna find that thing. I was having a nice laugh with Dr. Drew about this. We hear the national feed on this show, which is no local commercials, only public service announcements. If you listen to the show with any regularity, you know, most of them anger me talking about...

40:10 Drew I don't think anyone actually hears these, though, except you and I.

40:13 Adam I hope not, but...

40:13 Well, a lot of people do hear them.

40:16 Adam Hearing about the airplane turbulence and how it's a leading killer. The public service announcements, the PSAs are pretty important stuff. They tell you things like putting a seatbelt on when you're in an airplane, stuff you wouldn't hear anywhere else. They talk about important things like a laptop, computer theft at airports. A lot of it is airport related. And if you know our audience, you got a lot of 16, 17 year olds... A lot of them are business travelers. Many of them go privately, but some do fly commercially. And when the driver brings them by... A lot of them are in the air, probably ironically during that, or in a trailer.

40:58 Drew I can't, which was it?

41:00 Adam It's one or the other. Alright, so what's the other one that always drives me nuts? The...

41:05 Drew The basketball, the party one.

41:07 Adam Oh, that's a bad one. Yeah, one day we'll just... And by the way, this is where the power of public money is going. Just to put together these horribly wasteful public service announcements. I got nothing to do with anything. Here's one, here's a discrimination one. Do you have it Anderson?

41:21 Caller Yeah, you know what? I drove back from Portland this last weekend, and I listened to a lot of radio on the way down, and I heard this one on another station. So I felt good that we're not the only ones playing it.

41:30 Adam Yeah, it's a very important message.

41:33 Caller Hello, may I help you?

41:36 Caller Hello, can I ask you a few questions about the apartment you have on Park Street?

41:39 Caller What was your name?

41:40 My name is Juan Hernandez.

41:42 Caller Oh, it's gone? Hello, my name is Sanjay Kumar. I'm calling about the apartment on Park Street.

41:49 Caller It's not available, but I just now saw it in the paper.

41:52 Drew By the way, I'm already offended just with the camera.

41:55 Caller My name is Tyrone Washington. I'm calling about the place to rent on Park Street. It's not available. All right, that's enough.

42:02 Drew The point is, it's offensive.

42:03 Caller It's offensive. It's like apps. It's the same guy and it gets really funny right now.

42:09 Drew Yeah, it's funny.

42:11 Adam But let me just say this very quickly. When is the brown man going to get a fair shake in the apartment rental business? When are we going to get these guys into apartments? Drew, have you ever seen a Mexican apartment?

42:24 Drew Never.

42:24 Adam Doesn't exist.

42:25 Drew Not in Los Angeles, especially.

42:26 Adam Not in the LA area. I mean, I'll drive up and down Normandy, Western, around Willsha, nothing but the Von Trapp family. It's the Swedish bikini team, it's a bunch of blondes, a bunch of Scandinavian blue-eyed types and that.

42:41 Caller You'll never see any mixed ethnicity.

42:42 Drew That's because all they'll rent to is that.

42:44 Caller They won't rent to white, only to whitey.

42:46 Adam Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead Anderson.

42:49 Caller Yes.

42:49 Adam Hello.

42:50 Caller My name is Graham Wellington. I'm calling about the apartment for rent on Park Street.

42:54 Adam Is that still available?

42:56 Drew It is.

42:56 Adam Sorry, we don't rent to fags.

42:58 Drew Ed Thurston Howell.

43:00 Adam Housing discrimination. Yeah. Drive through LA. You can't, you name the ethnicity, you ain't going to find them in an apartment.

43:09 Drew They won't be renting to.

43:10 Adam They won't rent. They won't rent. Latino, Indian, Asian, none of them, Middle Eastern, Arab. It doesn't exist, it does not exist. They're exclusively in houses. But like I said, they don't even rent to a dark haired people. It's only blondes. Blond traps, yeah. Only blondes. Yeah, really? Or is this 70 unit building chock full of nothing but people that aren't white? And how do they? I don't know if they're being discriminated against. Don't get me wrong, the apartment sucks, but they're renting. Oh yeah. That's all we got.

43:42 Drew Shouldn't the message be something a little different?

43:45 Adam I don't know what the message is, but I'd like to get the guys who made the PSA and show them, I'll show them 700,000 apartments chock full of people who are nothing but brown skin. Yes, well, there's a point. That's a good point, though. It's an important point. It really, all it does is get people more pissed at whitey.

44:03 Caller Right. I got one queued up, though, that probably does make sense for a lot of our callers and listeners.

44:08 Adam All right, have we heard it?

44:10 Caller I'm sure you have. Maybe you haven't listened. Hello.

44:14 Adam Placement agency.

44:16 Caller Hi.

44:17 Drew Oh, I need a job, I guess.

44:20 Caller What field?

44:21 Adam Accounting, clerical, data processing?

44:24 Drew Neurosurgeon.

44:25 Adam Maybe something in the glamour industry. The glamour industry?

44:29 Caller This is our show.

44:30 Like the really, really movie star hot?

44:32 Caller Yeah, I know.

44:33 Adam But what area of the glamour industry? All right, that's an awful lot.

44:36 Drew Here's where it really goes.

44:37 Adam And by the way, who decided that every one of these things start with a goddamn phone call? Hello, I am Sun Jeep. I'm sorry. We don't rent to your kind. You have to live in a condo down in Malibu. Bye, my friend. Emma? Yeah. Yeah, you're not going to see any dark skin people in your apartment.

44:59 Drew Hi, Emma.

44:59 Adam Not around here. Not around here. Go ahead, Emma.

45:02 Drew 23. Yep.

45:07 Caller Oh, I'm a little nervous. Well, I'm just calling. I don't know. I'm in an awkward situation right now with my roommate. We've been best friends for about eight or nine years. And I don't know, we've had a few minor situations, but nothing like what we had the other evening.

45:33 Adam Are you drunk, baby doll?

45:35 Caller No, no, no, I'm not. I'm just a little nervous.

45:38 Drew Were you drunk when this all went down?

45:39 Caller Yeah.

45:42 Adam You not had a glass of wine or two tonight?

45:44 Caller Tonight? Oh, yeah, I had two.

45:46 Drew Yeah, we can hear it.

45:48 Caller Well, I had to just to call you, but I'm feeling really weird about this whole situation.

45:52 Adam What happened?

45:54 Caller Well, we went out and, you know, kind of partied in Seattle and stuff like that to relive. And I don't know, we came home by ourselves and I don't know, I don't really remember well. I remember a bit.

46:10 Adam Hold on a second. This is, by the way, this is a problem with people who have had a couple of cocktails. They're like our parents at a party. It's like your mom, Drew. I danced with the Ethan Brazil players back in the day. My mom has a half glass of champagne, thinks she's the life of the party. Now, you're you, you're out of your shell, you're just as boring, except for now, none of the cards are up. It's like it's all the crap that you're saving us from. Now, pal, it's out. This is it. Come on, Emma, pick it up. We're going to take a break. We're going to come back and I'll give a pep talk. Perfect. And give everyone a pep talk after this. Hey, everybody. Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. When we left off, we were speaking to Emma. Emma's 23. She got drunk and she is drunk. She's doing a fair amount of drinking. That's fine.

47:14 Drew Yeah, Emma's got the gene. You can smell it on her.

47:19 Adam Oh, really? I farted.

47:22 Drew That made it difficult for me to smell it on her, but yeah, I still did.

47:26 Adam She had sex with her roommate, best friend. Oh, female. Now the problem is she's had a couple glasses of wine and she's probably a cute chick. Cute chick. Here's the worst person to talk to on the radio. Cute chick, couple glasses of wine. Because I'll tell you, we started off, we both got into the, it's a beige Taurus. What did you do? Well, hold on, we went into town. All right. But then what's the problem? Well, we partied, you know, like girls do. Emma? Hey, baby doll. Yeah, you sobered up a little during the break. Well, all righty then.

48:13 Drew That's over the right up the clicky sound.

48:15 Adam Yeah, you hear that clicky sound.

48:18 Drew I wish I could hear God right into you.

48:19 Adam Stop the bed from spinning that clicky sound.

48:21 Caller There was no spinning, honey, not yet.

48:25 Adam Oh, see, that's cute. You're a hot chick, aren't you, Emma? Are you good looking? Shush, are you good looking?

48:37 Caller Well, a lot of people think so.

48:40 Adam And you believe them.

48:40 Caller Anyways, can you tell me how to deal with her? I mean, not deal with her, but I think that we need to...

48:49 Adam No, do we hear any speed? You do a lot of smoking, cigarettes?

48:52 Drew Did you used to do speed or something?

48:54 Caller I smoke cigarettes, yeah.

48:55 Drew Yeah, I hear that, but I hear a little speed mixed in there too.

48:58 Adam How about some speed?

48:59 Caller No, no, no.

49:00 Drew You never did that?

49:01 Caller No, not in years, years and years. That's what I'm talking about. Years and years.

49:07 Adam All right, so you have a female roommate.

49:09 Drew By the way, when you say you never do any speed, no, never. Well, not for years.

49:13 Caller Well, like, I tried it like eight years ago.

49:16 Adam All right, you tried it. It's fine. You're hot. You got a couple glasses of booze in you.

49:25 Drew Well, it's all, you know, the big picture here is alcoholism, that you get loaded and things happen as a consequence of being loaded. And that's the bigger problem that's evolving here. Now, I understand you've got an acute problem with your girlfriend, with your roommate, but the overriding sort of natural history here is the evolution of alcoholism.

49:45 Adam Don't bring the call down. So what do you guys do? Is she cute, too?

49:48 Caller Oh, she's so cute. I just love her. She's so cute. She's my best friend.

49:53 Adam She's your best friend.

49:55 Caller Best friend ever. And she's so cute.

49:57 Adam And your roommate.

49:58 Caller Yeah.

49:59 Adam And you guys went out, did a little part, and got loaded and came back and got it on?

50:03 Caller Yeah.

50:04 Adam And what did you do to each other?

50:06 Caller Well, oral and whatever, you know, the only things that girls can do.

50:11 Adam No toys? No toys?

50:14 Caller No toys. No, no, no. But everything else. But what does that matter?

50:21 Adam It's going to make a difference for me later.

50:22 Caller I'm sure you and your wife will enjoy that, Adam.

50:26 Drew I don't think your wife's going to be involved with it.

50:29 Caller Yeah, I know exactly. Doesn't she listen to your show?

50:33 Adam No. No.

50:37 Drew That's why I want to listen to the show.

50:38 Adam Yeah, Drew's wife listens to the show.

50:41 Drew We still need to talk more about her watching 50 Dates again and loving it.

50:44 Anyway, what about you?

50:45 Caller More about me, OK?

50:47 Adam Yeah, what about... Yeah, well, why'd you bring... OK. Anyway, you're the one who brought it up. I didn't bring my wife up.

50:54 Caller I just want to know how to talk to you about this and not make it...

50:58 Drew Emma's like, I'm not tracking. Well, here's the deal.

51:00 Adam Don't be drunk.

51:01 Drew Don't be drunk.

51:03 Adam And Emma, what do you need to talk to her about it for? Do you think you like her?

51:07 Caller Do you have a crush on her?

51:08 Caller No, no, no. It's not like that. But, like, I think that it's weird. We've known each other for, like, this long. You know what I mean? That would just be, like, just the same, just as awkward as it would be if I had a guy friend that I slept with after dinner for that long. That would be weird, except it's more weird.

51:28 Drew No, that would be what the guy...

51:30 Caller The reality is that would be what...

51:33 Drew But a guy friend...

51:34 Caller I'll put her on hold.

51:38 Drew A guy friend, the fact is, would be waiting nine years for that moment. That's why he was your friend.

51:43 Adam That would be... It would be just as weird if it was with a guy except for it's more weird because it's with a girl. Believe me, you gotta be hot. Otherwise, guys will just stab you. And by the way, guys will sit and have a whole dinner of this.

52:03 Drew We'll sit through it. No problem.

52:04 Adam I know my cat. I can tell when he's dreaming. Because I can see his paw moving. And I think he thinks he's a person. And it's like, oh, huh. If you're hot, it's like, oh, cat's dreaming. Interesting. And I read a book on cat dreams. And in the book, it says it must be cat's dream.

52:23 Drew Think of that social biofeedback.

52:27 Adam Interesting. And mittens, right? Oh, Mr. Mittens.

52:31 Caller I mean, they would of course be glad to believe that all that was fascinating because the guys would be giving the biofeedback.

52:37 Adam We can't animal. Of course animals dream.

52:39 Drew Do you have any other pets? Really? Interesting.

52:43 Adam Fascinating. A turtle.

52:46 Drew And the guy just wants to keep it going so he can just sit and look, right?

52:48 Adam He's trying to keep it going and start moving it toward the bedroom.

52:52 Drew But he just wants to sit and look and nod.

52:54 Adam If you could really see a sort of picture of it, it would be like, I mean, if it was the movie that was really playing out, it'd be like, and her going, and so I had the cat, the Claude, because in its dreams it would start moving. The guy would be pushing her toward the bedroom like slowly while she was talking, just hurting her toward the bedroom. Hurt her toward the bedroom. And then, because it would move its paws when it was asleep, I think it thought it was boxing or something. Just keep pushing toward the bedroom.

53:23 Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

53:25 Adam This is why we like oral, by the way. Just quiet down. It's quiet. Alright, Emma.

53:34 Caller Yes.

53:35 Adam I'm sorry.

53:36 Caller I'm glad you had fun with that little rant that you just went on there. That was very entertaining, really.

53:41 Adam Thanks, baby doll. Now listen to me. How many days have you seen your roommate since this episode of You Guys Going Down?

53:49 Caller I have not actually seen her to where I've talked to her. Like, we have crossed paths. The morning after it happened, like, I left and went to work. And like, we work opposite shifts. So, like, it has been just like a passing.

54:03 Adam Yeah. What kind of work do you do? So, listen, Emma, as long as you don't have a crush on her, and she doesn't have a crush on you, it's still a big deal. There'll be no weirdness.

54:23 Drew Yeah, but there's a boundary. Well, there's a boundary violation.

54:25 Adam There's a little weirdness, but here's the thing about it. If you both, and this goes the same with men and women and all that stuff, and it rarely happens, but if it does, if you get together with a good friend of yours, roommate, co-worker, whoever it is, if you hook up one night and both of you, and it happens once in a while, truly has no feeling for the other person. You're not a lesbian or you're not whatever. You just got drunk and you hooked up. It is not weird as long as both of you want the same thing. You know what it's like? It's as weird as quitting a job where the boss doesn't really want you to stay that badly. It's like, hey, Burt, this isn't working out. Yeah, I agree, Tom, a great guy. Okay, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

55:10 Drew And you had a relationship with Burt. You blew Burt. No, Burt's like, somebody you'll see again.

55:15 Adam Yeah, yeah, you both sort of agree that this is cool.

55:19 Drew This isn't working.

55:20 Adam This is fine. Now, it will get weird if you bring a boyfriend home, you bring a date home three nights from now and she starts getting weird just when you get off the sofa and it's pissed off.

55:30 Drew But it's a boundary violation, it's a big one and there are things, either aspects of that that are going to come to haunt you in your relationships in the future and other contexts and usually somebody's got alcoholism. That's what sort of sets this all up.

55:44 Adam Yeah, listen, I mean a 23-year-old out there doesn't get blasted once in a while and munch a little box. Are you ready to roll?

55:57 Drew Well, in Chris's case, it was a little...

56:00 Adam It was a little schlong.

56:00 Drew A little schlong.

56:02 Adam Well, not little. And not, you know, big. Nick?

56:08 Caller Yes?

56:09 Adam You're 22?

56:10 Caller I have a Germany or Florida.

56:13 Adam Germany or Florida. Time to play Germany or Florida. Go ahead.

56:16 Drew I could use this.

56:17 Caller Okay, there is a female porn star after her male counterpart injured her breast while trying to cut open her bra with a chainsaw.

56:27 Adam All right, hey, hold on a second because your line broke up a little there.

56:31 Drew Female porn star injured while the male counterpart tried to open her bra strap with a chainsaw?

56:40 Caller That's exactly correct.

56:42 Adam On stage or in a movie?

56:44 Caller It was a rehearsal for a movie.

56:47 Drew Rehearsal? That could not happen in this country.

56:50 Adam It couldn't.

56:52 Drew Not where it could hurt somebody, you know what I mean? It might happen in Florida.

56:56 Adam We're going Germany.

56:58 Drew You are correct.

56:59 Adam Yeah, that's how you play Germany or Florida. We're back, Drew.

57:03 Drew We're on a run, a roll.

57:06 Adam Listen, I'm not going to lie to you. We had a couple of bad outings.

57:09 Drew I think it was the guests that screwed us up. We had too many guests in a row. We've had a few nights by ourselves just getting into our own groove here.

57:16 Adam Let me say something, Drew. Excuses are like a-holes. Everyone's got one and they all stink. And I'm not going to sit here and make excuses, but if I was to say it, it was the lighting.

57:26 Drew Yeah.

57:27 Adam Lighting was a little warm.

57:28 Drew Yeah, that too.

57:28 Adam It was clicked up and it was a little warm in here. We had a little bad run, but like any true champion, we picked ourselves up off the camp, off the canvas, and we finished strong in the championship rounds. Those are the ones we're in now, by the way. Of course. Feeling good about us, Drew. Ben? Don't scare me. You're 18?

57:49 Caller Yeah.

57:50 Adam What's up?

57:51 Caller Well, I just kind of have a quick question. About six months ago, I was kind of driving around, driving home, actually, and I decided to, I decided to maybe, well, masturbate in the car.

58:08 Adam Mm-hmm. While driving home?

58:09 Caller Mm-hmm.

58:10 Adam Stick shift?

58:11 Caller Excuse me?

58:12 Adam Automatic or manual?

58:14 Caller Automatic.

58:16 Adam Smart.

58:17 Caller Just wondering if you've ever heard of that before, and if you have, um...

58:21 Adam Adam.

58:22 Drew This would be Adam's territory.

58:23 Adam Heard of it. Pioneered it.

58:26 Drew Did you pioneer it or just perfect it?

58:29 Adam I like to think both.

58:30 Drew Pioneered and perfected in one man. How about your friends?

58:35 Adam A fair amount of my friends have beaten off while behind the wheel.

58:39 Drew Didn't they have to hose their cars down regularly?

58:43 Adam One time there was some urination involved inside the car.

58:47 Drew Urination. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's...

58:50 Adam I picked my buddy up from his job at the... He worked at the fashion square mall at a kiosk with a cookie pretzel cart. Oh, it was big time because he got free root beer. Oh, yeah. And I was driving him home and my dad let me borrow his piece of S. And I was driving him home and he started whizzing on me while I was driving. Right. First one. While I was driving, my dad's... I picked the guy up from work.

59:23 Drew Chris is the one with the large bore.

59:25 Adam Big bore. Big bore.

59:27 Drew Big caliber.

59:28 Adam The difference between a 22 and a 44, really. And I was driving my dad's car and he was whizzing on me while I was driving my dad's car. And I don't mean on my leg. I mean I was ducking. I took my...

59:41 Drew What are friends for?

59:42 Adam I took a full root beer that I was drinking and they just came and I threw it on him. And he took another full root beer that he was drinking and he threw it on me.

59:50 Drew The car is in motion at this point.

59:51 Adam Oh, we're driving. Yeah, it's swerving all over the road. And now, here's the good news. And it's probably one of the only times this is a paid dividends. The Corollas do not believe in carpeted interiors, plastic floor mats. Not only no floor mats, but don't don't worry pretty little head about leather seating or velour or anything. Vinyl seats, vinyl floor, vinyl head. Literally just drove the car into a lake. Literally just hose the car out, put your hand over the radio and just get the hose in there. It's like a dune buggy.

1:00:29 Drew It's a good time.

1:00:30 Adam Yeah, there's a lot of urine and a lot of root beer in there.

1:00:33 Drew Let's give Ben a little pep talk here. He's feeling guilty for every match, but if A, the sort of safety issues, which Adam has Yeah.

1:00:42 Adam Well, listen, I got one off once, stick shift on a mountain road.

1:00:48 Drew Okay, Ben, you feel better now?

1:00:51 Caller I never really felt that bad about it. I actually really called up to do it, see if you guys had a name for it.

1:00:57 Adam Well, how far were you from your house?

1:01:01 Caller I'd say it was about two miles.

1:01:03 Adam I see. Now, here's the question is, why didn't you wait till you got home?

1:01:08 Caller Well, it kind of started about a quarter of the way home and it finished in my driveway.

1:01:16 Drew Were you, it sounds like it's not a real question.

1:01:18 Caller I got a name.

1:01:19 Adam Auto erotica.

1:01:20 Drew Yeah. That's good.

1:01:22 Adam Thanks, Drew. Normally, I'd just already skate past my brilliance.

1:01:26 Drew Yeah.

1:01:27 Adam Oh, okay.

1:01:28 Drew I had to come back to it. I didn't expect it to be anything. But then it was not a real question. And B, there are concerns about people that do it with intent to be seen. But then it's exhibitionism, and it can be a sign of an aggressive acting out. Yeah.

1:01:44 Adam Yeah, I think I might have two under my belt.

1:01:48 Drew Two in a car, ever?

1:01:49 Adam Maybe.

1:01:50 Drew Okay. Maybe three. The way you'd always talked about it, assuming it was something that you routinely kept going.

1:01:55 Adam No, it's happened. I'm just, you know, I'm proud to say these aren't, I'm not driving no pussy, automatic. It's sticked on.

1:02:03 Drew Yeah, sticked on a mountain road. That's good.

1:02:05 Adam One time. Malibu. Malibu, Rambla Pacifica area there. I mean, not, not, not driving through a canyon, windy.

1:02:13 Drew Lost verges.

1:02:14 Adam Off the cliff kind of. What happened? Tire blowout? I wish it had. Talking to the parents. Yeah, here's how we found them. Hey, pull the sheet up. Holy Christ, where's the sheet go?

1:02:29 Caller All right.

1:02:32 Drew Oh, God help us.

1:02:33 Caller Yeah?

1:02:35 Adam You're 21?

1:02:39 Caller I just want to know why these guys think that guys are only friends with girls because they want to get laid.

1:02:45 Caller Do you want to answer that?

1:02:50 Adam Dude, do I look like I want to answer that?

1:02:52 Drew No. Jen, that's because that's how men work. They're not only doing that, they may genuinely care about you, but the reason that whatever becomes a friendship is somebody's attracted and then somebody doesn't reciprocate. Now, if the guy is the guy that's attracted, he'll wait around and hear all about your boyfriends and what you've been doing, but when you break up, honest to God, he'll be like a lion waiting in the brush. He will pounce. It's a very different instinct than you have, which is as soon as a guy breaks up with a girl, fa, have nothing to do with him. No. The men like the gazelle with the broken leg at the back of the zebra, the broken leg at the back of the pack.

1:03:30 Adam Gazelle is fine.

1:03:31 Drew Gazelle is fine.

1:03:34 Caller And you know what? I have to have another question while...

1:03:36 Adam Wait a minute. Why do you ask this? Do you have a guy or...

1:03:39 Caller Because I just... I listen to you guys every night and I listen to Adam go on and on and on and I just think sometimes...

1:03:45 Caller How dare you?

1:03:46 Caller I know, but I have to say it...

1:03:48 Adam Well, well, well, well.

1:03:50 Caller Hold on.

1:03:50 Adam Hold on. Hold on a second. First off, I don't think I've even talked about this in six months.

1:03:56 Caller I hear that you guys always say guys are only friends with girls because they want to get them. Always.

1:04:00 Drew Well, it's a little it's a little less harsh.

1:04:03 Adam By the way, you're thinking of like us.

1:04:06 Caller Blah, blah.

1:04:09 Adam But it's not here.

1:04:11 Drew It's listen.

1:04:12 Caller No, no, no, no.

1:04:13 Adam Here's what we say. And this is what we have said for some time, which is when there's when there's a platonic friendship between a male and a female, one of the parties is harboring, which usually is usually interested, and that's what brought you together in the first place.

1:04:29 Drew And when it's a male, he'll wait and bide his time. And when you have when you are in need, that's when he will pounce. Doesn't mean he doesn't care a great deal about you. Doesn't mean the friendship is invalid. It's just men have different motivational priorities than you and you have to be.

1:04:44 Adam Okay, man. Here's the other thing, especially young guys. When guys get a little bit older, they lose their will to live.

1:04:49 Drew Yeah, they're back on the planet Earth again.

1:04:53 Adam Now, the other thing is, this is, by the way, this is the rule of thumb. If a guy aggressively pursues a friendship, if it's the kind of situation where you guys are working together and you don't have much to do with each other for six months, and then one day there's a company bowling thing and you guys get put on the same team and all of a sudden you start talking, it turns out you both love Stone Temple Pilots and there's a kind of thing. If it just sort of slowly bleeds into something, that's fine. It's the guy who's very eager to strike up the friendship, the pursuing. That is essentially pursuing a relationship. He's just not honest, ballsy enough, or you got a man, so he's not letting his true intentions be known. It's not to say that males and females can't be friends when things just sort of drift that way.

1:05:49 Drew They're part of a team at work or something.

1:05:51 Adam Yeah. We all have friends of just people we've worked with over the years and stuff, but it's when they're pursuing.

1:05:56 Drew Again, the team thing, that guy would not be sort of magically at the same restaurant with you and things like that.

1:06:03 Adam And also if you do break it down, there's many women I consider myself friends with that I've seen over the years, it functions, parties, weddings of mutual friends, that kind of stuff. But it ain't Friday night and we're not eating dinner together. I'm not asking if they want to take in a movie. I mean, it's not hanging out that way.

1:06:21 Drew It's that again, that motivation, that push in there.

1:06:24 Adam Right, right. So I think the caveat here is it's not enough necessarily that you two just be friends. It's that when you met, he was pushing for it. You know what I mean?

1:06:37 Drew Yeah.

1:06:37 Adam All right. Let's take a little break, Drew. Yeah.

1:06:41 Drew Good time.

1:06:41 Adam What about that? We'll be right back. I'm Adam. That's Dr. True. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. All right, let's hop back to the phones and start helping the kids.

1:07:16 Drew All right.

1:07:17 Adam All right. Oh, I forgot about, I wanted to do some of that coaching.

1:07:21 Drew It's all right, too late. Emma responded. I'm gonna try.

1:07:26 Adam I'm gonna try.

1:07:27 Drew 20 minutes ago, she responded.

1:07:28 Adam I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try, all right?

1:07:31 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:07:31 Adam Let's go, let's get some energy going.

1:07:33 Drew The reason is that your coaching is making me tired.

1:07:35 Adam I'm getting some energy going.

1:07:36 Drew All right, here we go.

1:07:38 Adam Let's break it down now, break it down. Let's grab a knee. Don't sit on your helmet, it's not a chair. I said one knee, just one knee. Let's go, let's get a hand in, let's break it down. Let's get going with Joe. Joe.

1:07:52 Drew Whoops. Oops.

1:07:53 Adam Hold on, Joe, I pushed the wrong button. Not a great start. Joe.

1:07:57 Caller Hello?

1:07:59 Adam 21, what's going on now, buddy?

1:08:04 Caller Oh, wow, wow. Actually, I have a couple questions.

1:08:07 Adam All right, buddy, break it down. Got some inquiries. Let's go now.

1:08:10 Caller All right, first of all, Dr. Drew, man, listen, I had a physical about eight months ago.

1:08:19 Adam Physical, less than a year.

1:08:24 Caller And the doctor said that I had jock itch because I have like this weird like.

1:08:29 Adam Balls on fire.

1:08:30 Caller Let's go now.

1:08:31 Adam Let's break it down now. Get a hand in.

1:08:34 Caller They're not on fire, but they just smell sometimes. You know what I mean?

1:08:39 Adam Sacatosis, chromiitis. Get a sack in now. Come on, everybody. Put a ball in. Let's go. Take a knee now.

1:08:48 Caller Helmet's not a chair.

1:08:49 Drew What's the question?

1:08:50 Caller I've treated it a couple times. It seems to just come right back. Like, I don't know where it's coming from.

1:09:01 Drew Is there actually a rash there? Something to see?

1:09:03 Caller Well, when I was really lifting weights, when I was playing football, I had a couple stretch marks in the area, but no rash. Puppin iron looking like a pregnant broad. No, just like in the inner thigh.

1:09:20 Drew If it is a recurrent... Jock itch or tinea cruris, it can be treated with a medicine called Di-flu-can. That tends to eradicate it more thoroughly than some of the creams. Di-flu-can. And then you gotta keep that area dry and wash your underwear frequently.

1:09:35 Adam That's right, keep it dry now. Keep the fan on the nats.

1:09:39 Drew What? It's a pill.

1:09:41 Caller Dry it up with baby powder?

1:09:44 Drew No, just with like a...

1:09:45 Adam Little talc, little ball powder.

1:09:47 Drew Nothing wrong with that. A handheld hairdryer, like really make it bone dry before you put your clothes on.

1:09:52 Adam Don't put it on high. Burn balls, done it myself.

1:09:57 Caller I just wanted to tell you that I'm definitely jacked off before while driving.

1:10:02 Drew Very proud, very proud of you.

1:10:06 Caller All right, Dr. Drew, one more thing. I don't know if I have, like I hear you talking about like sex addicts all the time on the show. My day doesn't even go properly unless I squeeze one off before I get my day started.

1:10:23 Adam Beaten off in the shower. Roommates don't know it, but they suspect.

1:10:27 Caller Oh my God, no, seriously though.

1:10:30 Drew If it's once a day and doesn't have consequences, I don't consider that addiction.

1:10:34 Adam That's just getting the sleep out of your packer.

1:10:39 Caller All right, all right, break it down now. Break it down.

1:10:44 Adam Yeah, geez, my second, still only half as much at a clap at the symphony the other day.

1:10:51 Drew Oh yeah, that's right.

1:10:53 Adam Oh, he's coming out. What'd he forget this time? He's coming out for the 28th time. Oh, he's bowing. He fixed his hair.

1:10:59 Drew Did you figure out what you saw yet or heard?

1:11:01 Adam No, no, what do you mean yet?

1:11:02 Drew I mean, I'm done. I heard somebody heard you and straightened you out.

1:11:08 Adam No, not my crowd. Krista? 16, Germany or Florida?

1:11:17 I have a Germany or Florida and it's, this man gets arrested at a car wash because he, at one of those, you drive your car in and he's stripping to get, to walk into it and the attendant looks out the window and sees him and calls the cops.

1:11:36 Drew You mean he, I'm confused.

1:11:38 Adam I know those car washes you drive your car into.

1:11:40 Drew He got undressed and rolled the window down so he could take a shower while he was getting a car wash?

1:11:44 No, he drove up in his car, got out, stripped, couldn't get, he stripped, couldn't get the machine to work because, and he was gonna walk in and take a shower in the electric car wash because he didn't have anywhere to live.

1:12:00 Adam All right, hold on, hold on one sec. Here's the problem. This is one of those coin-op car washes.

1:12:07 Drew Yes, right, I had to imagine, that's right. That's what I'm talking to. Filled with gas and then we're behind the gas station.

1:12:14 Adam And walked in. And walked in, right, because we got electric car wash and the kind you drive your car in.

1:12:20 Drew Yeah, we got the picture.

1:12:21 Adam Painting a vivid picture with using words. All right, Florida.

1:12:26 Drew Yeah, Florida. Germany.

1:12:30 Adam Germany.

1:12:30 Caller Yeah.

1:12:31 Drew Wow, stumped.

1:12:33 Caller Dr. Drew, I have a question.

1:12:35 Adam In a tailspin, not feeling good about ourselves.

1:12:39 Caller Um, I have, um, when I'm 16 and I'm a virgin, and when I think about having sex-

1:12:45 Caller Still got the hymen.

1:12:47 Adam Parents proud, God smiling.

1:12:49 Caller The idea of having sex just scares me unbelievably bad.

1:12:53 Adam Penises grow, especially the uncircumcised fellas.

1:12:58 Drew I think when you, it's just a way of protecting yourself from trouble, frankly. When you get a little bit older, when you're feeling more comfortable and more mature, it will start to make more sense.

1:13:07 Adam But don't wait too long, it gets weird.

1:13:10 Drew Well, 19 to 21, she'll start thinking a little more sensibly about stuff I bet. And plus, you get a relationship with somebody.

1:13:15 Adam 19 to 21, old maid where I'm from.

1:13:17 Drew You get in a relationship with somebody and it will be sort of less weird, less about the sex part, more about the relationship.

1:13:22 Caller Well, see, it's not that the idea of sex is weird. I mean, like the idea of being that close, being that involved with somebody.

1:13:33 Drew That intimate. Again, at 16, that's sort of a healthy impulse.

1:13:38 Caller 16.

1:13:40 Adam Every full-time job. Weird at 16.

1:13:44 Drew Yeah.

1:13:44 Caller Paying the dentist.

1:13:46 Drew Studying weird at 16.

1:13:47 Adam Weird at 16. Having kids. Weird at 16. Take care of your parents. Weird at 16. Everything weird at 16. Now get a hand in and break it down.

1:14:01 Drew Want to ask her if there's a...

1:14:04 Adam That helmet's not a chair. Grab a knee. Don't squat. Grab a knee. One knee.

1:14:11 Drew Here's my thing. When I was playing football in high school, I got very quiet when they were yelling at me. So I'm instinctively just getting silent again.

1:14:18 Adam Football's all... I just... Football, I played 10 years of football, and it's just that same thing. When I played, it was during politically incorrect times, like when you did. Like they'd get everyone lined up against the blocking sled, be like an eight man sled. The guy'd hold the ball, coach hold the ball down, like he was gonna snap it and he'd go, okay, now don't worry about the count. Just go on the ball. Watch the ball. Watch, going on ball movement. He'd be like, down, set, hut, hut, hut, hut. One guy would lurch forward before he moved. It's like, you can all do a lap now. And while you're doing that lap, you can thank Higgins Stoller. Because Higgins Stoller didn't think it was a good idea to watch your ball. Right here, you thank him when we play ball in the ring. You know what I'm saying? It really would turn everyone against everyone. I like that. And we're all going, this whole thing, we're all going down. One guy Fs up, we're all going down. Yeah, but yeah, there was that breakdown and then you grabbed a knee, you couldn't sit down. And if you sat on your helmet, it was a big deal.

1:15:28 Drew Well, the ultimate non-PC aspect of that was no fluids.

1:15:33 Adam No fluids.

1:15:33 Drew No water.

1:15:34 Adam No, you don't want to cramp up. No cramp up. Listen, I'm no scientist, but it's San Fernando Valley. It's 97 degrees. You're doing wind sprints.

1:15:43 Drew I remember stretching in those days. Maybe sort of a bizarre.

1:15:46 Adam Maybe a teaspoon of water.

1:15:47 Drew Stretching was sort of a hack hazard.

1:15:48 Adam Stretching was its own exercise. It wasn't stretching. Be like, all right, everybody, we don't want the injuries out there. We're gonna stretch those hamstrings out. All right, reach the sky, down on feet.

1:15:59 Caller And one, two, three, two, one, two, three, two.

1:16:02 Adam It's got a guy like yelling at you to stretch. It was really, you would literally stretch by throwing your hands up about as high as you can get. Then diving for your ankles and then throwing your hands back up. Everyone got a good stretch? I'm sweating. I don't know if I stretch anything out. I think I might have pulled something. Stretching. It's like aggressive stretching. Aggressive stretching. Who the hell? All right.

1:16:27 Drew Where are we going? Three.

1:16:32 Adam That's a stretch. Leo. You're circumcised? Calling from Fullerton.

1:16:41 Drew And what is your question?

1:16:42 Adam Leo circumcised Possible Jew.

1:16:51 I want to know if like there's this process called uncircumcising where it turns the packer back into an uncircumcised packer.

1:17:01 Adam Stretching the skin, using tape, pissed at parents.

1:17:06 Yeah.

1:17:07 Drew And why? Why would you want to do that?

1:17:11 Someone told me that I can do that for more sensitivity because I can go like for four hours in different positions and I can't go nowhere until I pull out and beat off.

1:17:22 Drew Well, that isn't going to change, so try to pull some skin over your head of your penis. That's not going to change. Are you on any medication?

1:17:30 Adam Four hours, wearing a hole in the back of the vagina.

1:17:35 Drew Are you on meds?

1:17:37 No, sir.

1:17:38 Drew Do you have any medical problems?

1:17:40 Nope.

1:17:41 Adam Punished by God, nothing to do with chemicals.

1:17:44 That's about it.

1:17:46 Drew What's that?

1:17:46 My penis is a little bent, but that's about it.

1:17:50 Drew Have you always been this way? Did Dr. Alter convince you of that, by the way?

1:17:59 Adam I guess I don't have to clap with every answer, right?

1:18:05 Drew Leo, have you always been this way?

1:18:08 I mean, I'm sorry if I'm using bad language or something, but if I use my hand, I'm there in three minutes.

1:18:16 Drew Well, what about getting yourself to the verge?

1:18:19 Adam Sex good, just not the real thing.

1:18:22 Drew Yeah, Adam, give him a little coaching, without the clapping. Because this has nothing to do with your skin thickness or surface sensitivity. This is an autonomic nervous system.

1:18:33 Adam Don't get caught up in this tangled way before skins. Here's what you need to do. You need to change the position you're beating off in. Uh-huh. To get used to... What position you beat off in?

1:18:48 Caller Um, I've heard the show before a few months ago, and you told this to another guy, the same exact thing. He couldn't get off while he was on top of a girl. And you told him to change positions, and I listened to it, and I tried it, and it still doesn't work.

1:19:05 Drew What exactly did you do?

1:19:07 Adam All right, what position do you jack off in?

1:19:11 Caller Um, on my hands, on knees, on my back, sideways, lying down on the floor.

1:19:18 Adam Three minutes, all different positions, no problem.

1:19:23 Drew Gay.

1:19:24 Caller Gay!

1:19:25 Adam And what about oral sex? How do you like that?

1:19:29 Caller Oh, I love it.

1:19:31 Adam God forsaken phone system. I know everyone at home could hear his answer. We can't. We seem like retards. That means my constant clamping. He loves it. Do you have an orgasm with oral sex?

1:19:46 Caller Oh, I'm sorry. Um, no.

1:19:49 Adam Still no. Still no, even though you love it. All right, do you have a girlfriend?

1:19:56 Caller No, I don't.

1:19:57 Adam Have you ever had one? I don't care.

1:19:59 Drew He has to work it out.

1:20:00 Adam Here's what you need to do.

1:20:01 Drew He needs to work it out relationship.

1:20:03 Adam You need to find your best and fastest beat off position. I here's what it'll be. Lie on your back and lock your legs out and sort of crap out that come. Do you know what I'm saying?

1:20:17 Drew Squeeze it out.

1:20:18 Adam Squeeze it out. Don't do it with a bent leg. Then when you're with a woman, do whatever you want. But when it's time to go, get her on top and squeeze that, squeeze that thing out. And get with one woman and work it out.

1:20:32 Drew Yes. Yes, for sure.

1:20:33 Adam If you bounce around, it's never going to work out.

1:20:35 Drew What is he masturbating leading up to and then finish off with his partner?

1:20:40 Adam He says he has to pull out. You can't because it resets eventually.

1:20:46 Drew It's three minutes to orgasm with his hand.

1:20:49 Adam I know, but it's a weird reset thing, which is if you beat off, you don't get seven-eighths of the way to orgasm and then stop like you're marking a book page and get back to it. You stop for 20 minutes. Now you're back to zero or whatever.

1:21:04 Drew Yeah, but if he's almost there, wouldn't the vagina come close to simulating that? No, no, I don't know.

1:21:11 Adam Tired of talking about vaginas. Anyone got a home improvement question? That's what we need to talk about.

1:21:20 Drew Let's take a break.

1:21:22 Adam Really? Give me one home improvement question when we come back.

1:21:25 Drew Anderson, can you see to that? Yeah.

1:21:29 Adam And no plumbing or electrical. I want a nice building one.

1:21:33 Drew Woodworking.

1:21:34 Adam No chicken ass thing about painting or roofing or something. I want a nice woodwork in question.

1:21:39 Caller Something Tim Allen related?

1:21:41 Adam Yeah, except for he's not.

1:21:43 Caller Hey, what happened to your car, Adam? I heard it got messed up.

1:21:48 Adam What happened? What happened here? What happened here? Jack off. You got punch in the mouth for asking too many questions. That's what happened here. Take a break. We'll be right back.

1:22:03 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:22:11 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline and Adam. Let's keep on keepin on. Quick home improvement question. John?

1:22:23 Caller Hello there.

1:22:25 Adam Hello, John, what's up?

1:22:26 Caller I need to do an improvement to my bedroom. All right. I'm thinking about hanging some sort of swing over the bed.

1:22:36 Adam All right, so you got a big... Imagine you have a big wife.

1:22:42 Caller No, she's not too big. I'm just looking for a little bit of difference in the, you know, we've done everything available from, you know, the kitchen, the bathroom, the closet, you know, I just need a little more variety.

1:22:53 Adam All right, well, what do you wanna do? You wanna put, what do you wanna hang? You wanna put hooks in your ceiling?

1:22:58 Caller Well, I was thinking about some sort of swing. You know, maybe there's got a rotary, something that would spin around. Uh-huh. So what kind of hardware would I need for that?

1:23:13 Adam Uh-huh, not exactly what I had in mind, but all right. Listen, here's the thing. You got, you got, phone's all scratched up. You gotta figure out what size your ceiling joists are. You gotta get up in an attic and put your head up there because if you're an old crappy house, you might have two by fours going up there and then you're gonna hold your big wife. You gotta get in some blocking at that point. You got something substantial up there, like a two by six or better, then you can start getting into screwing like a three eights, you know, by four inch, like big eye bolt in there. Here's a thing that a lot of people don't know, Drew. When you're putting like a wood screw into a piece of wood, and you're gonna pre-drill it, you know, if you've got like a fat, like a lag bolt, like something that's a quarter inch thick or five sixteens or three eights or half inch or something, you're screwing it into wood, the hole, as we call it, the pilot hole that you put in there, almost as big as the screw.

1:24:13 Caller Should be.

1:24:14 Adam Should be. Yeah, it's really weird. Like you'd think, all right, well, I got a half inch size, you know, screw that's going in, so I'm just gonna drill a little hole in there so I get plenty of bite. You wanna be able to get it in with a little hole.

1:24:24 Caller Oh, wow.

1:24:25 Adam You got a half inch bolt, drill the hole at three eighths. Still, still will be fighting it. Yeah, better way to go. I don't know what the hell happened to John. Did he fall off? Do we not hearing people that call the show anymore? I know everyone at home can hear it. It's really, it's a wonderful setup. Everybody at home can hear what the people are saying. We can't in the studio, so we just seem like idiots.

1:24:48 Drew What's gotta be extra weird is that we know when we can't hear, because the white noise changes in character and so we can tell the world's off.

1:24:56 Caller Right.

1:24:57 Adam John?

1:24:58 Caller Yes.

1:24:59 Adam All right, did you hear that?

1:25:00 Caller I did, I've got a pretty good harness and I'll just go get me a...

1:25:04 Adam No, no, no, no, listen.

1:25:06 Caller Eye bolt?

1:25:07 Adam Listen, do you have, yes, do you, here's a question though, do you have access to your attic?

1:25:13 Caller Yes, I do.

1:25:14 Adam You do, and what do you got running up there? What size choice, do you have any idea? You do have two by sixes.

1:25:21 Caller My wife's five, two, and 135.

1:25:24 Adam All right. Here's what you may want to do, too, is you may want to take like a four by four block and put it between a bay, you know, it's going to be like 14 and a half inch block and put it in between and then you could spread the load out a little bit. All right there, buddy, and have a good times.

1:25:43 Caller Thank you.

1:25:43 Adam All right.

1:25:45 Drew That's a non-question. It's like how to hang a picture.

1:25:49 Adam It was my fault for saying at the beginning that I wanted to be a substantial. Diane? You're 19. What's up? What's going on?

1:26:01 Drew Diane?

1:26:01 Adam Diane, how can we help?

1:26:02 Drew What's up?

1:26:04 Caller This is my question. Well, let me tell you a little bit. I had a boyfriend for six months and we just recently broke up three months ago. And we were trying to work it out for the first two months. You know, we were going back and forth talking and I found out that he had met another girl at a bar and he had ended up hooking up with her, just kissing her. And at that point, I didn't think we were going to be able to move on and work out a relationship.

1:26:34 Adam If he was kissing.

1:26:35 Caller I know. I know it doesn't seem. I mean, I just felt like…

1:26:38 Adam Well, how did you find out he was kissing her?

1:26:40 Caller I asked him. I asked him if he has been with anybody else and he just said that he admitted to me that he had kissed her.

1:26:47 Adam He's a truthful guy.

1:26:48 Caller Yeah. I'm sure that's the whole story. I'm sure that's every bit of it.

1:26:51 Adam Yeah. Let me…

1:26:53 Drew Want me to be Diane?

1:26:56 Adam Let me see how it works. When I cue you, I'm going to play his subconscious mind.

1:27:04 Caller All right.

1:27:05 Adam When I cue you with my finger, you say, I just kissed her.

1:27:08 Drew I say I just kissed her.

1:27:09 Adam You say I just kissed her. I'm going to play him. You'll be him too.

1:27:12 Drew I see.

1:27:13 Adam I see.

1:27:13 Drew I see.

1:27:13 Adam I see. I'll be the actual. I see.

1:27:15 Drew I'll be him.

1:27:15 Adam You'll be the...

1:27:16 Drew Who's Diane?

1:27:17 Adam I'll be Diane as well. Well, what did you do with this girl? Don't say finger blast. Don't say finger blast. Don't say finger blast. Don't say finger blast.

1:27:27 Drew Don't say finger blast. I just kissed her.

1:27:32 Adam See, that's how it works. Diane? So, anyway.

1:27:40 Caller So, once I found out that, I told them, you know, it was over. It's just there's no way it's going to work out. Sure. And…

1:27:48 Caller That's smart.

1:27:49 Caller So, I went on with my life and I, you know, I went out and had my mindset that I was just going to move on. And I went out with a coworker one night and we had a lot to drink and one thing led to another that night and we ended up sleeping together.

1:28:04 Drew I had no feeling. I love the coworker. The coworker who happened to be around.

1:28:09 Caller Yeah.

1:28:10 Drew Oh, baby.

1:28:10 Caller He had just broken up with his girlfriend and I had, you know, just found out about that. So, it was kind of… I don't know if that's, you know… I don't know, but we don't have any feelings for each other. And so, I regret it and I wish it didn't happen. And a couple weeks later, my ex called me and he wanted to work things out with me. And so, I said, you know what, let's go ahead and try it again. And just last weekend, I had found out, we had talked about what we had been doing and things like that. And I told him about the co-worker and he had told me that he tried to work it out with his ex-girlfriend. So, his ex-girlfriend of seven years and that kind of hurt me because…

1:28:54 Adam You're broken up, that's fine.

1:28:55 Drew This is not going to work. It's not going to work.

1:28:58 Adam Way too much drama. You got a lot of drama in you, baby doll. Man, do you got drama in you.

1:29:03 Drew Why?

1:29:04 Adam Yeah. What's the big deal? Why is so… what's so important about life?

1:29:09 Drew Well, no. What's with all the drama?

1:29:11 Adam What's the big deal?

1:29:12 Drew Where's all the chaos been in your life? How did you learn about chaos? We're hearing none of this, whatever she's saying. There you are. She wasn't talking. Where did you… Where was your life chaotic growing up?

1:29:31 Caller Well, I didn't ever know my dad.

1:29:34 Drew How come?

1:29:34 Caller I met my dad when I was 12.

1:29:36 Drew That's hysterical. That's hysterical. Go ahead.

1:29:40 Adam You didn't… You met your dad when you were how old? 12. 12. All right. That's a little weird. And what else?

1:29:51 Caller I don't know.

1:29:53 Adam She's not talking, guys.

1:29:54 Caller I feel like I grew up…

1:29:58 Adam Her not talking even makes it worse, because now we're just sitting here like idiots going over what she's saying.

1:30:03 Drew Yeah, we can tell it's turned off. The thing just goes… Can you hear it, Chris, when it goes off? You can't hear it.

1:30:08 Adam I'm done. That's it. I'm going back to cable.

1:30:12 Caller I'm done.

1:30:14 Adam Hey, it's… And by the way…

1:30:16 Drew Let's finish, Diane. Come on. We owe her the finish. By the way, let's finish, Diane. Diane. So what happened that was so catty growing up?

1:30:27 Caller I don't know.

1:30:29 Drew Other than your dad not being around, which obviously is traumatic enough.

1:30:32 Caller I mean, when I was 13, I became sexually active. And then I got involved with drugs and alcohol. All right.

1:30:39 Drew So you're an alcoholic.

1:30:40 Caller No, I'm not an alcoholic.

1:30:44 Adam Take a little nip at 13. No big deal. Diane, here's the thing. You're an attractive girl. I can tell. Every 19-year-old feels like, you can feel like Romeo and Juliet, like this is meant to be. This guy's some jack-off. You never gotta see him again. Years will go by, you'll never even think about him.

1:31:08 Drew She's also externalizing everything. Everything is a big drama, but that's all her internal drama is just acting.

1:31:14 Adam By the way, it's another one of those hot chick things, by the way.

1:31:17 Drew That was a good one, huh?

1:31:19 Adam Yeah, here's the thing about Drew when he punches the mic. These are. Well, normally he does grazing blows. Like this was a vicious overhand left. I mean, normally it's backhands. It's what you do. It's the kind of stuff you do when you're setting up the big cross.

1:31:39 Drew Tonight, got the big one.

1:31:40 Adam And it's really, he punches the mic like some parents whack their kids in the backseat of the car. The hand floats back. It's looking for a target. It's not made in a fist, but this, this was the widow maker. Yeah. This is like really trying to, really trying to hurt that mic. All right, Dan, I can say, get over it. Get over yourself a little bit. Just, you're 19. Have a little fun. Hang out with some girlfriends, by the way, not ones that hate you. Think of some nice chicks and have a laugh. Okay, we'll be back.

1:32:12 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up?

1:32:17 Caller Why can't I meet anybody? 877-889-DATE.

1:32:31 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:32:55 Adam All right, we'll get a hand in tomorrow night when we see you at the same time, same station. So until next time, it's Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:33:04 Caller I'm glad you had fun with that little, like, rant that you just went on there. That was very entertaining, really.

1:33:10 Adam Thanks, baby doll.

1:33:14 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Monday, February 16, 2004