Episode 1000586520603

0:09 Thanks for!

1:01 Voiceover See time Is meant for an adult audience.

1:13 Adam Hey, everybody, Loveline, I'm Adam Carolla, that is Dr. Drew, Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist.

1:19 Drew You're here.

1:20 Adam And I'm not giving you the phone number because this is...

1:23 Drew I'm not here, here.

1:24 Adam Yeah, this is the best of tonight, which is not necessarily the best of this show.

1:30 Drew It's the best for us, though.

1:31 Adam Which still isn't that good.

1:32 Drew No, no, I mean, the best circumstance for us.

1:35 Adam No, this is the best of. Yeah, we're not here, though.

1:37 Drew That's right.

1:37 Adam Right. So we don't care. We're probably listening. I may be drunk.

1:42 Drew No, yes.

1:44 Adam Oh, yes. So enjoy the best of Loveline. Loveline. That's Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. You know, it's really 11 o'clock.

1:57 Drew I know it feels that way, doesn't it? Or 10 o'clock.

2:00 Adam No, I'm saying it's really 11 o'clock. I just thought I'd do it in an inflection that confused you.

2:08 Drew Success.

2:09 Adam Got to spring forward and fall back.

2:15 Drew I hate the spring forward part. I could use an extra hour every couple of days. You take one away, I'm effed.

2:22 Adam I know. I got up this morning at 10.30 in the morning and my wife lowered that hammer. You know, it's like it's really 11.30 and I thought, oh my God.

2:34 Drew Day's over.

2:35 Adam It's gone. But it's light. It's going to be light. It's going to be light forever. Hey, now, is this only going on on the West Coast, by the way? They doing this all over? What about like Arizona?

2:48 Drew Arizona doesn't do it. Arizona doesn't do it.

2:51 Adam Moving to Arizona. Samantha?

2:54 Drew What? Ooh, Samantha? What's going on?

3:09 Adam Harden your organs? Hurt your organs?

3:15 Drew Hurt in your organs, eh?

3:16 Adam Oh, will that be like, hurting your organs?

3:20 Drew The fluid he sticks in you could have infectious material in it, right? Like, AIDS and Hepatitis. That's how it hurts your organs. That's how it hurts your organs.

3:31 I have another question. Like, what else can I use for birth control because I can't take the birth control pill.

3:40 Drew Why can't you?

3:42 Because I have a whole bunch of autoimmune diseases and I can't take it because of my other medicine. What's your other medicine? I take Rilin and I take Neurontin and Prevacin and Conserta and Self-Sept and Celebrex and I'm not sure if I'm. What?

4:15 Drew Well, all she's mentioned other than aspirin basically is psychiatric medicine, so it doesn't sound like anything that should prevent you from taking the pill.

4:23 Adam Those are autoimmune?

4:24 Drew No, well, the aspirin, she might have some joint complaints. But what do they think? You just have a lot of joint pain, right?

4:31 I have arthritis, and I've got a disease called bichettes, and I like, that affects, like, I'm sorry, has a vascular.

4:40 Drew No, I know what bichettes is. Well, if you're on bichettes, though, you're on salicyclic acid, right? And Celebrex. You're on Dysalsic, and Celebrex.

4:50 Adam Are you having anal sex with the bichettes? His name's not Bichette?

4:58 Drew Yeah, not a great idea if you have bichettes, right? Because it is, part of bichettes is a gastrointestinal disease, right? Bichettes is a gastrointestinal disease, Samantha, that's part of it. Right. And so, putting...

5:17 Adam Hold on a second. I'm kind of torn on one hand. It's like, well, she's fifteen. She's in a weakened state. She's having this crazy anal sex. The other side of me thinks, well, she's getting her kicks in before the whole s-house comes down.

5:32 Drew No, I have to really question the bichette's diagnosis.

5:35 Adam Really? How would she know?

5:37 Drew I know she doesn't, but it sounds so psychiatric, this whole thing. Bichette's a very, unless it's overt and biopsy proven, it's a very vague illness.

5:47 Adam Samantha? Did you ever get abused? How long ago?

5:57 I was raped once and I was six and twice and I was 12.

6:00 Drew That would be abuse.

6:02 Adam Who raped you when you were six?

6:05 Drew Good times.

6:06 Adam How old is he?

6:10 Drew Five?

6:12 Yeah, he was six but three months younger.

6:16 Drew Oh my God. That means that things are really a mess in your home. Then listen, the whole Bichette thing again, I have to wonder. I really... Look, your big thing is psychiatric, right? That's mostly where your symptoms are. Well, you're on one medicine for Bichette and you're on about nine medicines for psychiatric conditions.

6:49 Adam you gave us seven medicines and six of them were...

6:52 Drew Two of them were from the Bichette, the Prevacid and the Celebrax.

7:00 Well, Neuron for my RSD and Topamax is for my headaches.

7:05 Adam Where do you get all this stuff?

9:54 I'm kind of disappointed that you had a showdown here tonight, and I kind of missed it.

9:57 Drew All right, here we go.

9:59 All right. Well, on the 31st of Halloween, Halloween night, one of my Juggalo homies had a Halloween party, and his father, this guy that his father worked with came and just dropped his stepdaughter off at this Halloween party. Me and his stepdaughter kind of like tried to hang out or whatever. We started talking and we almost hooked up, but we didn't because it was her first time and she was shy. Two hours later, I found out she was 13.

10:27 Drew And you're 18.

10:28 Caller Yeah, but I was 17 at the time. So I was like, thank God it didn't happen.

10:32 Adam Get the hell out of her butthole, man.

10:35 Drew That's how a Juggalo would approach you. Juggalo.

10:38 Adam Juggalo.

10:39 Caller But yeah, so it was like after the party was over, I gave her another one. I was just like, call me, not expecting her. Not actually expecting her to call me.

10:46 Drew Well, she's probably enamored, right? An older guy is into her.

10:49 Caller Right, right. So, come to find out, like she was trying to call me for a while and I just didn't know because like my phone had got cut off and then I had night school. So then we actually did start talking and we talked for a while. And then like I moved in in January for the whole month of February. I didn't have a phone and we started talking again.

11:10 Drew Yeah. What's the question, Ishan?

11:11 Caller All right. My question is, should I have kept it going after the fact because it's like now she's telling me that she like she's in love with me and that she has to tell her to call you.

11:22 Drew She's so good at returning your calls. Call you when she's 18.

11:26 Adam Yeah.

11:26 Drew That's it.

11:27 Adam Bad sign when you work in phone cutoff and night school. In the same sentence.

11:32 Drew Yeah.

11:33 Adam It means that things aren't going according to plan. But he's 18. I wasn't doing anything at 18.

11:40 Drew No doubt.

11:41 Adam I was doing less than nothing at 18. I was doing minus. So when I started doing stuff at 19, it didn't even register because I was just paying off what I didn't do when I was 18. Ishaam is fine. No dating her. She's 13. Sandra? You're 17? What's up?

12:07 Caller I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. We used to have sex quite often, but it seems to me now that lately he has been less into it.

12:18 Drew What does very often seem? What is less often? How often were you doing it before?

12:25 Caller Like, you know, like rabbits.

12:28 Drew Twice a day. And what are you doing now?

12:29 Caller Now it's like whenever possible, really.

12:33 Drew Which is how often? Let's say three times a week. And is he getting busy? Are there things to keep him from?

12:45 Adam Well, you said whenever possible.

12:46 Caller Yeah, the thing is, it's just like for example, he had spring break all week this week. And on Friday night at like 10 o'clock he was ready for bed. And he had spring break the whole week. He didn't do anything.

13:04 Drew How old is he?

13:06 Caller What?

13:06 Drew How old is he?

13:07 Caller 21.

13:07 Adam Well, maybe he, you know, banged so many drunken broads during spring break. Didn't have any left. That's probably what it was. You're worrying too much, baby.

13:19 Really?

13:22 Adam He'd been blown dry. You know what I'm saying? Are you hot? It's a good thing you're wearing your glasses and not your contacts tonight, though, huh?

13:43 What?

13:44 Adam Just use, wipe yourself off with Lycus' Fat Guy Shawl. Yeah.

13:52 Drew Yeah.

13:53 Adam You're hot, though, aren't you?

14:01 Drew Yeah, see, she says this is like, it sounds like a prank.

14:03 Adam I can't figure out why a man would not want to bone you all the time. Right, there we go.

14:08 Caller Why aren't you all over me all the time?

14:10 Adam I would be. That's right. But, but, but, after banging the bejesus out of you for a couple of years straight, Yeah. I would, there would be nights when I would be tired and I would go to bed.

14:25 Drew And he's sort of falling into a, let's call it a, a rhythm that is consistent with normal physiology. What you guys were doing before, not many guys could maintain very long. And already, you're already twice the average here. You're a thousand percent, wait...

14:43 Adam Thirty-two.

14:43 Drew Two hundred percent.

14:44 Adam But... Thirty-two double D? That's nice because that's a small back and a big cup. So it could come. They're big, yeah. How about the areola?

14:55 Caller The areola?

14:58 It's a good size.

15:00 Caller It's not like, like you know those porno ones where they're disc-sized or anything.

15:05 Adam Porno ones.

15:06 Caller They're healthy breasts.

15:08 Adam Healthy. Tight, tight ass?

15:13 Caller I work out.

15:14 Adam Yeah. I like 17 year olds working out like it makes a difference. Right? I work out.

15:20 It's like, yeah.

15:21 Caller No, I keep healthy.

15:23 Adam Look, he's fine. He's fine. This is about you being a little bit insecure. Yeah, you being a little insecure. You got to just relax a little. Now, if it starts really becoming a problem, then call us back.

15:38 Drew Four times a week is... What has been? You mean like two days in a row? With nothing, two weeks in a row?

15:52 Caller Where half the time he doesn't want to.

15:55 Adam Yeah, but you want to...

15:56 Drew Wait, let's interpret that. Two weeks in a row, where half the time. That means every other day he wants to.

16:00 Adam You want to do it every day, right? Yeah, I mean, you guys don't live together, do you? You see each other every day?

16:10 Caller Well, yeah, kind of.

16:12 Adam Well, listen, give the guy his space a little bit. I mean, here's what I'm saying. Ladies, when you don't want to do it with us, we don't all of a sudden feel fat or unattractive. We don't get into that.

16:30 Drew We just get angry.

16:31 Adam We get angry and then we go for the vengeance whack. Oh, yes. But we don't get into that stuff where she thinks I'm unattractive. No, you just get the feeling of like she don't want it.

16:42 Drew Or you're not into me anymore.

16:44 Adam Yeah, you don't get into that. You just get that I want some, she don't want none. There's none in the mood. And we don't wouldn't treat it any different than like if we said, look, let's go out to dinner. I want to go out and get a steak. I want to go out and get a steak. Then I, I don't want a steak. Let's go Mexican.

17:00 Drew Oh, how dare you?

17:01 Adam She doesn't like me anymore.

17:03 Drew Oh, I must be fat.

17:04 Adam She's not attracted. She thinks I'm fat.

17:09 Drew She's trying to send me a message.

17:10 Adam She's sending me a message via the Free Holy Pipeline. It's like, no, she just doesn't want that and guys understand that very clearly and women get freaked out.

17:21 Drew But four times a week he's still doing it. I like the way she said for the last two weeks he hasn't wanted it half the time. That means every other day they were, listen, he's settling into his rhythm and God knows with another one maybe his rhythm would have been one a week.

17:35 Adam Right.

17:35 Drew With her it's four times a week. That's fine. We're taking an early break. What are you doing?

17:38 Adam Now I'm just looking at the clock and I've got the smoke down and stuff. 32 double D though.

17:44 Did I not, did I peg that?

17:45 Adam That's great. Drew, Drew knew it. Kim?

17:48 Yeah?

17:49 Adam You're 21? What's up?

17:52 Caller I have a friend and like we have like a lot of the same friends. So I know like a lot of people that she's slept with and all these guys keep telling me that like she stinks down there and that she doesn't wash with soap. Like one of them has taken a shower with her before and like he said like she doesn't wash with soap.

18:09 Drew What does she use?

18:11 Caller I haven't.

18:11 She said that it stinks when she washes with soap is what he told me.

18:14 Adam Well, I mean when she puts the bar up there and then uses a rope to yank it out.

18:18 Drew You mean that?

18:19 Caller That's what I'm saying.

18:21 Drew You mean soap on her skin anywhere?

18:23 Caller No, like on her like cross. Right, exactly.

18:26 Drew Well, maybe it stings now because she has an infection and that's why she stinks.

18:30 Caller Right, and like some of the, I don't really know how to like tell her this and they tell me to tell her. They say like because I'm her friend that I should tell her, but I don't really know how to like bring that up to like, you know, your friend, you're like, hey, by the way, like, you know, you stink.

18:41 I really don't know how to go about saying that.

18:43 Adam Well, do you ever see her situations where she's undressed or anything like that?

18:50 Drew Or they talk about, you know, pap smears, going to the doctor, anything like that?

18:56 Caller I don't...

18:57 Drew So, really, what you want to do, what you really, ultimately, what you want to do is get her in for a pelvic exam. Because this is probably an infection. And so, you've got to sort of be talking about health care and health maintenance and, you know, cervical cancer and warts and all those good things and encourage her to get checked out.

19:13 Adam Yeah. And believe me, whenever you come at her with this, she's coming back at you with something.

19:19 Caller Oh, I know.

19:19 That's what I'm saying. Like, I don't know.

19:22 Caller But, I mean, oh, and you know what else? One of the guys that she was with actually told her that she's done it. And she still hasn't done anything about it.

19:30 Adam Well, how do you know?

19:31 Caller How do I know that he told her?

19:32 Adam How do you know she hasn't done anything about it?

19:34 Caller Because she still thinks. Because I keep hearing that she still thinks.

19:37 Adam Well, maybe she's working on it. How many of your friends get to plow your other friend?

19:42 Caller A lot of them.

19:43 Adam Well, I'd like to join the circle.

19:45 Drew Wow.

19:47 Adam By the way, hasn't the word spread around in these retards? Hey, listen.

19:53 Drew And by the way, that means all those guys are infected with this bacteria.

19:57 Adam Possibly.

19:57 Drew No, certainly.

19:58 Caller They know that she thinks and they keep sleeping with her.

20:01 Drew Wait, Kim, that means all the guys need antibiotics also.

20:08 Adam Well, maybe.

20:09 Drew Almost certainly. That's true. And that's why maybe she keeps getting a treat and these guys keep giving it back to her.

20:14 Adam How many guys are we talking about, Kim?

20:17 I'd say like 30. I mean, there are how many guys at one time?

20:21 Drew How many of your friends?

20:22 Adam Listen, how many at one time?

20:24 Caller Well, she's like, I know there's like, I don't know.

20:28 Drew She's got some, she needs some health maintenance.

20:30 Adam Kim, how old is she?

20:32 I think she's 21.

20:34 Adam Wait, is she a really good friend of yours? She seems like she's got some issues this year.

20:38 She's not like a really good friend of mine, but like I know her.

20:40 Adam Alright, you don't know her. Who cares? And butt out. She's not a good friend. She's not a really good friend, but I know her.

20:47 Drew She's seen her on the campus.

20:49 Adam What campus?

20:51 Drew Mt. SAC.

20:53 Adam Really?

20:55 Drew Check it out.

20:56 Adam Check it out. SAC?

20:58 Drew Ask.

20:58 Adam SAC always cracks me up.

20:59 Drew It's actually a good school.

21:01 Adam Yeah?

21:02 Yeah?

21:03 Adam What college? Do you go to college?

21:05 Um, yeah.

21:06 Adam What college?

21:07 Caller I'm not telling you.

21:09 Adam SAC?

21:10 What?

21:10 Adam Mt.

21:11 Mt. SAC?

21:12 Adam Yeah.

21:14 I go to Community College.

21:16 Adam You're junior college. Yeah.

21:18 Drew Which community college?

21:20 Um, I really would rather not say.

21:22 Adam Alright, but it's not Mt. SAC? No.

21:24 Drew It's right up there in that area. That's why I said that.

21:27 Adam She's a JC girl.

21:28 Drew That's the good JC out there. She doesn't go to the good one.

21:34 Adam But listen, ladies, stop fighting amongst each other. You don't have to tell this poor girl anything. She's not really friends with her. She shouldn't have to broach this topic. Should she, Drew?

21:45 Drew It'd be nice if she would. This woman needs some help.

21:49 Adam Yeah, but she already had one of the guys tell her she didn't do anything.

21:52 Drew I know, but in this dirty garden.

21:54 Adam This is where my crotch sniffing dogs would really come in handy.

21:57 Drew I wonder what all these folks are passing around amongst themselves.

22:00 Adam We're married. What do we care?

22:01 Drew I found out the beagle is the most sensitive nose amongst the canines.

22:05 Adam Really?

22:06 Drew It adds to the comedy, the whole thing too, doesn't it?

22:08 Adam Beagle sniffing the crotch.

22:09 Drew Yeah.

22:11 Adam Why do dogs smell their own ass if they're that sensitive?

22:14 Drew Because it's just like anything else.

22:16 Adam And it smells like a meatball sandwich to them or something. Well you know.

22:20 Drew I think their sensitivity of smell is so profound. That's what I'm saying. That horrible things come around the other side and ass starts smelling like lilacs, roses.

22:30 Adam Well, and you know what it is, you know what's interesting too, which is knowing what you're smelling makes it worse or better.

22:39 Drew No, ass smells like ass.

22:40 Adam No, no. Yes, yes. True is right. Ass smells like ass everybody. We'll be back. Hey, everybody. It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LEVE-191. Let's see. Let's get back the phones here. What do you say there, buddy?

22:58 Drew You.

22:59 Adam Bret and Butter.

22:59 Drew Don't drop child, Drew.

23:01 Adam Hey, this close to drop and try. Speaking of drop and try, I got a little sack smell going on.

23:06 Drew Yeah, I've never seen it with short pants on before.

23:09 Adam Well, you know what the kids are calling them? They're just calling them shorts now.

23:12 Drew No, I know, but I wanted to sort of communicate.

23:15 Adam I know you know them as knickers.

23:17 Drew Yeah, but they weren't knickers and they weren't a bathing suit.

23:20 Adam They weren't. Yeah, shorts.

23:21 Drew They're shorts and I've never seen shorts before.

23:23 Adam Well, I'll tell you what. I usually, my routine is...

23:28 Drew You're scaring me now with something.

23:31 Adam My routine is, it's unfair to call what I do working out. I exercise for about 20 minutes like a prisoner would.

23:42 Drew With a heavy bag?

23:44 Adam No, no. That's like down in my garage. My hands are too screwed up to do that too much anyway.

23:50 Drew I think you're doing that regularly.

23:52 Adam You're talking about boxing? Yeah. That's just once a week with a guy, other than I just skip a little rope in my litter room.

24:00 Drew That's what you do sometimes.

24:00 Adam Just break a sweat. I usually start my workout about my exercise, about 9.05. I skip rope like a maniac for about 20 minutes. Then I jump in the shower. I'm on the road by 9.34 and it only takes me 23 minutes to get here, so I've got plenty of time. But tonight ran a little long, didn't have time for the shower, so I just came over here. I notice I've got a little sacs in going.

24:30 Drew Oh, God. I haven't yet encountered it.

24:33 Adam I get that. I don't get the under the arm thing going, but I will get the sac thing going. I have noticed that.

24:38 Drew How many hobo power have you got going today? Just a couple?

24:42 Adam Boring bit. I've got about six, six and a half.

24:48 Drew Maybe I'll fight back tonight.

24:49 Adam Oh, no, Drew. Not with the gas. Jenny?

24:52 Yeah.

24:53 Adam You're 24?

24:54 Caller Yes.

24:54 Adam What's up?

24:57 Caller Well, let's see. I've been with my boyfriend for about 10 months, a little over 10 months. When we first got together, the sex was incredible and amazing and everything, but I had a pregnancy scare, and then I had another one, and then I was like, okay, well, I'm just going to get on birth control and hopefully that will get me over my funk because I was not wanting to have sex at all.

25:19 Drew For fear of pregnancy?

25:21 Caller Well, basically for the fear of pregnancy, but not only that, but I was just not feeling turned on anymore. I wasn't feeling it. I don't know. That's why I'm having problems.

25:35 Drew Did something else happen? Did you start birth control?

25:39 Caller No, I have not started birth control. The most recent episode where we tried to make love, it started out fine and everything, but within a minute and a half, I started to close up to the point where he couldn't even penetrate me anymore.

25:56 Drew Because you were so nervous.

25:58 Caller Yeah, well, nervous. I have been with him for 10 months.

26:00 Drew No, but as you said, anxious about the possibility of a pregnancy.

26:05 Adam You closed up around him like a dog or was he not in you yet?

26:12 Caller No, it got to the point where I told him to pull out because it was so painful and have me relax for a second, but then he couldn't even enter me anymore. And it has progressively become to that extreme over the past several months. And it's like the fear of that kind of stuff happening keeps me from wanting to have sex. But it's not that I don't feel sexually attractive. It's not that my boyfriend is sexually attractive.

26:42 Adam Did he ever get abused or anything?

26:44 Caller Maybe, no, never.

26:46 Drew This is what vaginismus is. It can be learned behavior that gets going and has to be unlearned. It's like fear of flying or other kinds of phobic reactions.

26:55 Adam How do we do it? Graduated, loose-sighted?

26:58 Drew Well, that's what some people advocate. I would hope that in this case you could just learn to ease into it. If your boyfriend is understanding and takes this slow and spends a few days working on this, you'll relax about it. But one of the things you need to do to be realistically reassured is to be on birth control. That's first-order business.

27:22 Caller The easy part would be, besides me just getting on birth control, would be for Henry as a condom. But he's Catholic. A lot of Catholics don't believe in birth control and that's become an issue with him. So that's kind of unfair that I'm the one that has to be on birth control.

27:40 Drew It's bizarre thinking. This story needs to be more...

27:42 Adam She's angry.

27:44 Drew Yeah.

27:44 Adam Because she said the easy way for us to do it would be for him to do this but he's not going to do this.

27:51 Drew Let's pick him apart for a second. Think about his psyche.

27:54 Adam What?

27:56 Drew Listen, I'm not going to collude with the devil but you, you go ahead because you're already cut of soil so you enjoy your relationship with the devil here.

28:04 Adam Plus, there's nothing in the good book that says anything about corn-holing and certainly we could do that. Hey Jenny? Yes? Yeah, hold on a second. You know what we do a lot of with religious folks on this show or whenever we talk about religion? We go, oh, this guy's a hypocrite and this guy's stupid because he says he doesn't want to do this but yet he does that. Most religions you've got to be half retarded to be into in the first place. Are we kidding? What kind of pie in the sky crap is this? You know what I mean? Of course you're an idiot basing your life on some old book, some old bearded Jews wrote a million years ago and you're looking up to the heavens every five seconds.

28:49 Drew You just remember humans need some of this.

28:51 Adam I know. They're stupid. That's why they need it. Go ahead. Hey Jenny? Yeah, they need it. You need the Easter Bunny when you're five.

29:01 Drew I think to really fill out our impression of Jenny, you need to see her. You know what I mean? Her voice sounds so reasonable.

29:07 Adam Yeah.

29:08 Drew I think we're missing something.

29:09 Adam What's up with this guy? We don't trust him now.

29:12 Caller Well, he's a great guy. He doesn't even try to attempt to turn me on or have sex with me or he really doesn't even mention it anymore because he knows I have a lot of hangups.

29:23 Drew What are your hangups?

29:24 Caller I just don't feel like having sex.

29:28 Adam That's not a lot of hangups. That's one big hangup that is caused from something else and you didn't give us any kind of answer there.

29:35 Caller Well, honestly, there was just a point in our relationship where I just did not feel like I wanted to have sex with him anymore.

29:48 Adam You're angry at this guy.

29:49 Drew You're done with him.

29:50 Adam You're done.

29:50 Drew You're done with this guy. Jenny, what are you talking about? He's supposed to be nice and a great guy. Maybe he is, but you're just not into him anymore.

29:56 Adam Yeah, you're not into this guy.

29:58 Caller Another thing that's been worrying me is that I've been having extreme fantasies and thinking a lot about other men.

30:07 Drew Why do you have to present the pie in the sky? Why don't you just be honest with yourself about how you're feeling? You should be into this guy, but you're not. Your body is telling you you're not, and you're not. It's fine. It's great.

30:17 Adam You want a bad boy.

30:18 Drew That's what being 24 is all about.

30:21 Adam You want a bad boy agnostic.

30:23 Caller We've talked about this. We haven't broken up over this, but we've talked about this. I told him that it's just not there for me anymore. Then we spent some time apart and stuff. Then we started hanging out again and no sex.

30:40 Drew You're just done, done, done. Listen to your body for God sakes.

30:44 Adam Your vagina is trying to kick this guy out.

30:47 Drew Yes.

30:47 Adam He's evicting his penis from your premises.

30:50 Drew To the curb, yes.

30:51 Adam Drew, get down with the curb talk. Blah. Jenny? You're 24? What's the problem, baby doll?

31:02 Caller Well, I just need some advice.

31:04 Caller I've been going to a strip club with some friends of mine for about a year and a half.

31:10 Caller I've become friends with a dancer at this club. She initiated an outside friendship.

31:16 Caller We've hung out a few times.

31:18 Adam She initiated it.

31:20 Caller I'm sorry, what?

31:21 Adam She initiated it.

31:23 Caller Yes, she did.

31:24 Adam How did she do that?

31:25 Caller Well, she just started asking me if we wanted to go out for dinner. We go see movies. The other day, she started being intimate with me and I backed off. I really like this girl, but I don't know if she's into this for money or if she really likes me.

31:47 Adam What do you mean, into it for money? How much money do you have?

31:51 Caller I'm pretty well off.

31:54 Caller I have a nice job.

31:56 Adam That means $9.50 an hour to one of our callers.

32:01 Caller Actually, I make $10 an hour.

32:03 Drew Yeah, but she makes hundreds an hour.

32:09 Adam $10 an hour is not well off. Our phone screeners laugh at $10 an hour. Maybe not. More coffee, by the way. $10 an hour, strippers aren't going after you like you're some fat Arab sultan or something that they're just going to try to soak for their money.

32:28 Drew This is for you and I with the low self-esteem. It's so hard to understand these people. I'm so attracted. You make them say, how? That's like the people that try out for American idols. Don't you hear how you sing? They're amazing.

32:45 Adam She sees me pull up in that 89 Ford Festiva and sees the keys jingling to the one-bedroom apartment off the interstate and she sees money, dollar signs in her eyes, Drew. Know what I'm saying? When she sees the generic Cheerios in the cupboard, that's when she goes for the jugular. 10 bucks an hour. She's trying to soak her for her money. This chick makes 10 bucks every 10 seconds when she's up on stage. For Christ's sake. Jessica.

33:15 Drew No, no.

33:15 Adam Oh, wrong one. Sorry. Jenny. I got the J's screwed up. Jenny? First off, what's wrong with you? You sound like half a man. You angry? Half a man. You just sound angry. Okay. Why can't you trust? She initiates wanting to hang out with you. You go out to some movies. You go out for some meals. Then she's attracted to you. She tries to put a move on you. You're wondering if she's just going after you for your money but you don't have any money?

33:52 Caller I didn't know what to expect.

33:55 Adam Who makes more money, you or her?

33:58 Caller Most likely her.

33:59 Adam Okay. So why is she going after you for your money when you don't really make any money?

34:02 Drew What's the move she's made on you?

34:05 Caller Well, she's touched me. She's tried kissing me.

34:10 Adam That's as far as it's gone. Okay. What's up with you, baby? You're a lesbian, right?

34:18 Caller I'm sorry, what?

34:19 Adam Are you a lesbian?

34:21 Caller Yes, I am.

34:22 Adam Are you okay? Were you ever abused?

34:25 Caller No, no abuse.

34:27 Caller My parents are divorced, but they get along and I've had a happy life so far.

34:34 Adam Boy, you sound like you've been through the wringer a couple of times.

34:44 Caller I did have a relationship with a dancer before and it was very, very bad.

34:51 Adam Back then you were making $8.75 an hour, but she went after you, right?

34:55 Drew By the way, people who have happy lives don't pick those kinds of people to be involved with.

35:01 Adam Well, anyway, Jenny, it just sounds like you're in a little bit of pain or you don't trust people or you don't like people or you're feeling uncomfortable in your own skin or something. All right. But anyway, look, if she likes you and you like her, then have a good time.

35:19 Drew What is the business of her seeking out strippers?

35:22 Adam I don't know. Jenny, there's something going on with you. There's something up. This chick's a stripper and she's probably and she's a lesbian or bisexual. She's probably got a little energy and she's going to be a little chaotic. So don't expect a long and smooth journey with her.

35:39 Drew Hey, mom, 7-O-1. Have a little of that.

35:42 Adam Well, all our girls are part lesbian.

35:44 Drew If you. I didn't know the morning DJs did a trip club.

36:05 Adam Yeah, same guy.

36:08 Drew But, Jenny, there's something really going on with you, Jenny. I don't know why. You're not going to tell us.

36:14 Adam Boy, I can hear something in her voice. Yeah. Yeah, but anyway.

36:17 Drew Want to dissect?

36:18 Adam No.

36:18 Drew No.

36:20 Adam She just sounds angry and sort of, she sounds like she's talking and grit in her teeth at the same time.

36:25 Drew Oh, yes.

36:26 Adam She's going to be soaked for ten dollars an hour. I can't help torturing myself. That's Jenny. I just want to see if that's before or after taxes. You realize Jenny is bringing home like 262.50 a week, right? Let's take ourselves a little break. What do you say there, Drew? Fair enough. Oxycontin snorter, huh? Good times. When we come back. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. That's Dr. Drew coughing into the mic. It's all right, buddy boy. Phone, I forget about that phone number. All right, you ready to rock here, Drew? Let's go. Let's go. Jamie?

37:23 Caller Yeah.

37:23 Adam You're 25?

37:24 Caller Yes.

37:25 Adam What's up?

37:26 Caller Well, I have a poem I thought you might like. I wrote it a couple of nights ago, and you were on a weed trip tonight, so I thought you might appreciate it.

37:35 Adam Oh, that's a last night show, but go ahead.

37:40 Drew Our affiliates have asked us not to point those things out. All right.

37:44 Adam She did it.

37:46 Drew Well, look.

37:46 Adam It's got to be. I know. Well, hold on a second. Turn the music down. Our affiliates don't want us to talk about a day delay. Nobody told me about that, by the way. So let's say our affiliates pointed that out to us, because I never heard anything about it, number one. Number two, it's confusing to the stoners who have been listening for the last 11 minutes and never heard me talk about weed.

38:06 Caller Well, that's true.

38:07 Adam Thank you. Go ahead.

38:09 Caller Weed, you make me oh so happy. My thoughts slow down and a smile finally replaces a frown. A single moment lasts forever, yet time wants it still never. It passes fast with no hesitation ever to leave behind or just forget the ones who can't stay clever. Those are the ones that give weed a bad name, play the game wrong, and make legalization take too damn long. I'm sorry.

38:31 Caller I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

38:31 Caller I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't be dumb.

38:44 Adam Are you done? I thought you finished and then you kind of tanked an addendum.

38:49 Drew Hey, Jamie, when you're writing odes of love to a cannabis...

38:54 Adam At 25.

38:55 Drew Not a good sign. You're going to have trouble putting this one down.

38:58 Adam Well, now it's one thing if you're 15 and you're in detention.

39:42 Caller I'm sorry.

39:43 Adam Junior college?

39:44 Caller No, actually, I'm a professional and I've been in sales for the last ten years.

39:49 Drew No college.

39:51 Caller I started in telemarketing when I was 16. I've been in it ever since. Right, well. Middle management, pay my own bills.

39:57 Drew No college.

39:58 Adam Right, no college. Are you doing okay, though? You're paying your own bills. You're not paying someone else's bills and then they're paying your bills?

40:05 Drew No.

40:05 Adam You're paying your own? You bet. That's big of you.

40:08 Drew And they're depressed.

40:09 Adam And what's going on? You have a man in your life? You do. Good guy?

40:15 Caller Oh, yeah.

40:17 Adam Two years. Any kids?

40:18 Caller No.

40:20 Adam Does he do a lot of drinking?

40:22 Caller No.

40:22 Adam What does he do? What does he do, though? Does he have a job?

40:26 Caller Oh, yeah, he lays carpet.

40:28 Adam Lays carpet. He's a professional, too.

40:31 Caller He does it for himself.

40:32 Drew He's got a kick that kicks him.

40:34 Caller We keep our money separate.

40:36 Drew What is that thing called?

40:37 Adam Yeah, it's one of those neat tackers. It's a stretcher. Yeah, you know what they're doing with those things? They put that tackless strip around the perimeter.

40:47 Drew Yeah, yeah, tackless.

40:48 Adam It's called tackless strip. You've never seen a strip with more tacks in it.

40:53 Drew What's that?

40:54 Adam It's like the strip is a piece of wood that's an eighth of an inch thick and it's a piece of wood and it's about an inch wide and it comes in like three foot lengths. It's called tackless strips and in that length, 4,000 tacks. 7,500 tacks in there. Tackless strip, everybody. It's called tackless strips because you no longer have to tack the carpet down. Still, could have done a better job.

41:16 Drew Probably just tack strips.

41:19 Adam That may have worked. That may have worked. Anyway, that thing they use with the knee stretches the carpet over the tackless strip. Anyway, Jamie sounds like she's right on target. She's doing good.

41:32 Caller Have fun. I'll talk to you all later.

41:33 Adam Hey, all right. Hey, how about a poem about laying carpet?

41:38 Caller A poem about laying carpet?

41:39 Adam Yeah.

41:41 Caller Well, just yesterday, my man Shane, he laid some carpet and brought home a new game. We sat down. We played it for a long time, you see, and this is the way he and me be. We spend our nights just in front of the TV and then after 10, we turn you on again. But that's all I had to say. Really, I must go now. It's time for me to lay down my head. You see, I'm stoned now.

42:01 Adam Freestyling, baby. Nice.

42:04 Caller Have fun.

42:05 Adam Are you called back anytime? Next time. Let me see if she can think of something that rhymes with linoleum. That's going to be tough. You got to admit, that was pretty good.

42:15 Drew That was very good.

42:17 Adam It's not like we rehearsed that either. I know. Angela, I like it when white guys rap and they go, every white guy raps does this. My name is Drew and I'm here to say, I like to be a doctor each and every day. You know, they start with that.

42:37 Caller Yeah.

42:40 Adam Yeah. Here we come, a truck in it. Bet you wonder where we've been. We're a team that can't be beat. Because we're funky on our feet.

42:57 Drew Angela. Hi, what's going on? Yeah.

43:01 Adam Yeah.

43:03 My boyfriend kind of, you know, won't go down on me.

43:08 Adam Hmm.

43:08 Drew What kind of boyfriend is that?

43:10 Adam Black one.

43:12 Drew Do you do that to your boyfriend? Yeah. You do it to him? Do you ever think about, this is sort of an aggressive move, but saying, hey, look, I'm going to do this to you if you want this to continue?

43:27 Adam No, no, no. Yeah.

43:28 Drew This won't go on any longer unless you reciprocate. What he likes needs to be reciprocated. If he wants to get what he likes, he needs to provide what he likes.

43:37 Caller Angela.

43:38 Drew See how that works?

43:38 Adam I'm not sure if she knows what reciprocate means.

43:43 Drew He was whispering to her.

43:45 Caller That's her.

43:46 Caller No, somebody was whispering to her.

43:48 Caller It's the little person.

43:52 Adam Oh, Kazoo?

43:53 Caller It's my little person.

43:55 Drew Oh, it's Kazoo. It is Kazoo.

43:57 Adam Who are you talking to?

43:58 Drew Does she call you Dum Dum?

44:00 Caller What?

44:00 Adam Who are you talking to?

44:02 Caller My little sister.

44:03 Adam Okay. What's she doing?

44:06 Caller She keeps... This sounds really stupid, but she keeps hitting me.

44:10 Drew Why don't we put her on the phone here?

44:12 Adam How old is she? Fifteen. She's got to sit around and hear about your oral sex problems.

44:18 Caller What?

44:18 Adam All right.

44:20 Caller And she's cool.

44:21 Adam Yeah, I know. How old is your boyfriend?

44:23 Caller Twenty-six.

44:25 Adam Twenty-six. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with him?

44:30 Caller Nothing.

44:31 Adam He's an a-hole. He's too old for you. All right.

44:37 Drew We can't concentrate on this.

44:40 Adam We have nothing but tards call this show. Almost exclusively, Drew.

44:44 Drew Your point?

44:45 Adam That's my point. You know the way... You know what? I say we declare... We make Tomorrow Night all Tard Night, and I bet we get nothing but geniuses call on the show. Nothing ever works out on the show. Whenever I make a declaration or I ask for a certain theme or topic to the show.

45:03 Drew Yes, yes.

45:04 Adam Tomorrow Night, Tard Night. We only want retarded questions. Do you hear me?

45:08 Drew Retarded questions or retarded people? Both.

45:11 Adam Michael?

45:12 Yeah?

45:13 Drew Well, here you go.

45:14 Adam There you go. You're 13. What's up?

45:17 Caller I got a man here that reached 50 hobo power.

45:21 Adam Oh, really?

45:22 Caller Yeah. Without rolling up the windows in the car or turning on the heat. Who puked?

45:27 Adam He broke wind and made 50 hobo power?

45:30 Caller I am not kidding you. I threw up.

45:32 Adam You threw up?

45:34 Caller Yes.

45:35 Adam Oh, boy. Now, where were you? Hold on, Adam.

45:38 Drew We need some detail.

45:39 Adam This is important.

45:40 Drew This is a breakthrough moment.

45:41 Adam Yeah. It's a watershed.

45:43 Drew Outside. Out of doors.

45:45 Caller He stuck his ass in my face and blew the most wicked thing you could ever imagine. It was like taking rotting cat poo and leaving it in 100 degree heat.

46:05 Adam Yeah, and you vomited immediately?

46:07 Caller Yes.

46:08 Drew How much time elapsed?

46:10 Caller How much time?

46:11 Adam From the time he broke wind to the time he vomited.

46:13 Drew We need to check the records here.

46:16 Caller Pretty damn quick. I'd say less than a second.

46:18 Drew What does it, a gagging?

46:20 Adam Spontaneous? Spontaneous vomiting? Did something come out of your mouth?

46:25 Caller Something came out of my mouth.

46:26 Drew All the contents of your stomach were represented?

46:29 Caller Yes, on the ground.

46:32 Adam Well, that's true, 50 Hobo Power.

46:34 Drew Yeah, that's by definition. Now, this is wonderful.

46:39 Adam Hobo Power is a unit of stink measurement we came up with some years ago, actually. What was it now, Drew?

46:48 Drew Was it that long ago?

46:49 Adam It was on the TV show. Hobo Power?

46:52 Drew Were we really talking about that there?

46:53 Adam Hell, yes.

46:55 Drew Oh, my God. I remember.

46:56 Adam Hobo Power was year one or two of the TV show. Really? Really.

47:01 Drew Oh, that's weird. I only said like two years ago.

47:04 Adam Hell, hell no.

47:07 Drew But I have a faint memory of talking about it on the television show. You're right.

47:10 Adam It's a unit of stink measurement. And the thought is that 50 Hobo Power is when somebody vomits. That's how you know what the stink is. Now, it could come from anything.

47:22 Drew Yeah, well, it's just a unit of smell, of stench.

47:26 Adam Right. It's like 50 horsepower could come from a car engine, a plane engine, or a boat engine. It doesn't matter. It's 50 horsepower, right? Yeah.

47:35 Drew 50 Hobo Power.

47:36 Adam You vomit, that's 50 Hobo Power.

47:37 Drew No, it's sort of most poetic when it's from the ass, would you say?

47:40 Adam Absolutely.

47:41 Drew I know that's what you're searching for.

47:43 Adam One would hope. We gotta take a break. That's disgusted Dr. Drew over there. Phone number 1-800-LLV-E-191. Let's get back to Lorenzo. Listen, Lorenzo. So anyway, Lorenzo took exception to my... We were talking at the beginning of the show where Michael Jackson, his young boy, seems to be a young Hispanic kid. And I was saying, I think it's a little easier to get away with that in the culture. You've got a better victim over there than you do a young Japanese kid or a young...

48:31 Drew More likely to have a victim with that darker skin.

48:34 Adam I mean, but... You're playing your odds. Here's my point. Here's what I'm saying. If I'm going to molest the ten-year-old, I pass by the Jew and the Japanese kid, the black kid, I go to the Mexican kid. I think I can pull it off with that kid. That's what I'm thinking.

48:49 Drew Maybe, I'm going to put a little turnspin on it, maybe you're just looking for a victim.

48:54 Adam No, I like the brown, I like the milky brown skin.

48:56 Drew And you're more likely to come across one of those first just playing the number.

48:59 Adam Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

49:04 Drew In Southern California, by the way. In Southern California.

49:07 Caller Listen to me just one second. The way that you put it, I remember this, I was telling you just now, you know, in the interview with Sura Coppola. You know, he asked me where I'm from, and I said from Peru. And before that, he was saying that you guys can recognize whether a person was abused or has something going on on her childhood through her voice. I don't know if you remember.

49:38 Drew Well, we can. We can, though.

49:39 Caller Okay. But now, when Sura Coppola, you know, he asked me where I'm from, I said I'm from Peru. And, you know, he started talking to me in Spanish, and, you know, just like a good time. And then, you know, he said, oh, you know, you can tell by his voice that, you know, he wasn't, you know, abused as a child. And then, Adam, you said, well, you know, he's from Peru, you know, on that country, it's normal. Okay. What I'm saying is, you know, I mean.

50:09 Drew It's normal for there to be sexual abuse in Peru.

50:11 Caller Adam, you are not an asshole, okay? You are my guy. You know, I really like you.

50:15 Drew Well, there's a way you got that part wrong. You got that part very, very wrong.

50:19 Adam So, David, I raise your point and as I make my living off of stereotyping, please don't get in the way, because one day I will stereotype against a group other than yours and you'll be happy that I stereotype.

50:31 Drew You always do. You see what I'm saying? You don't leave anybody out.

50:34 Adam No. Including my own family, for Christ's sake. You know, so I got ideas. I don't have time to research everything.

50:41 Drew Well, you were going to say.

50:42 Adam Thank you.

50:42 Drew You were going to tell some research you've done with the Garden Grove Police.

50:47 Adam I went out with the Garden Grove Police once and the guy told me he worked on, I'm not going to mention the officer's name, but he worked in the child services, whatever, with the molestation and the juvenile, whatever. And he said every single case he goes on is Latino. And that's probably most of the population of that group. So that's about 80 percent of it. It's not like he's working in Beverly Hills beat, but I had a talk with him and he said it's a little more popular in that culture and it stuck. That's all.

51:17 Drew I really think it's rural poor Mexico.

51:21 Adam Doesn't, yes.

51:22 Drew And a couple of generations ago where that got going.

51:24 Adam Listen, you're going to live at home until you're 25. You're going to get nailed by grandpa eventually. I mean that's the long and the short of it. Diana?

51:33 Caller Hello?

51:34 Adam You're 14? See what does S&M stand for? Knows what it means.

51:42 Caller My name is Brianna.

51:44 Drew What?

51:46 Caller My name is Brianna.

51:47 Drew Brianna, okay.

51:50 Adam Oh, it's not Brianna.

51:53 Drew It's not Diana like it says there.

51:55 Adam Right.

51:55 Drew Brianna.

51:57 Adam Which is like Brianna, but it's Brianna.

52:01 Drew Probably one and instead of two ands, right? Whatever.

52:06 Adam Well, no, no, I'm curious, do you spell your name the same as Brianna and pronounce it differently?

52:11 Caller Um, I spell it B-R-I-M-A.

52:17 Drew M-A? B-R-I-M-A.

52:19 Caller No, B-R-I-N, B-R-I-A-N-A.

52:24 Drew Like I said, one and instead of two.

52:26 Adam Oh, that's Brianna's two ands.

52:28 Drew Yeah.

52:28 Adam What the hell kind of name is Brianna?

52:32 Drew Uh-oh.

52:35 Adam Brianna?

52:37 Drew Now, we didn't hear it. It must be a...

52:39 Adam I'm going to need you to move a little closer to the smoke detector. Don't tell me you don't have one because I heard it.

52:44 Caller I don't have a smoke detector.

52:46 Adam Move closer to the one you don't have then.

52:49 Drew Look in the ceiling on the walls, you'll see a little round disc.

52:52 Caller I do not have a smoke detector.

52:54 Adam Okay, do me a favor.

52:56 Drew Be quiet for a second.

52:57 Adam Just be quiet. Hold the phone away from your mouth. Just hold it up into the air.

53:02 Drew Okay. We're usually at 38, aren't we? Yeah. This one, I think, must be around 50, because, uh... because we didn't need... what's she doing?

53:17 Caller I don't know.

53:18 Adam Brianna? You there?

53:23 Drew Hold on, hold on a second.

53:25 Adam I heard a smoke, I heard a thing.

53:26 Drew Oh, I definitely heard it.

53:28 Adam Well, how come we can't hear it?

53:30 Drew it's not going to be a normal periodicity, is it?

53:33 Adam No, they're all, they're all between 30 and 40 seconds.

53:36 Drew Did you just shut a door? Brianna? Did you just shut a door or something?

53:45 Adam Sounded like the door closed. Are you standing where you were standing?

53:48 Drew When you started talking to us. Go back to where you were when you were... just began the conversation. Are you there now? All right.

53:58 Adam What part of the house are you in? You're in the room. Is this where you were when you were talking to us when we were talking about the smoke alarm?

54:07 Caller Yes.

54:09 Caller But the TV was on then.

54:10 Caller It's off now.

54:12 Adam Maybe something came from the TV. Do you live in an apartment?

54:15 Caller No, a house.

54:16 Adam You live in a house. Is it a newer house?

54:21 Caller No.

54:23 Adam Yeah, but that could be 1993, right? How old do you think the house is?

54:28 Caller It was built about 40, 50 years ago.

54:34 Adam And no smoke detector in the house, huh?

54:37 Caller Nope. Well, in the house, yeah, of course, but not in my room.

54:42 Drew We'll go to the nearest one.

54:45 Caller I cannot leave my room at this.

54:47 Caller It's like 1 a.m.

54:51 Adam Where's the nearest one? In the hallway?

54:55 Caller I have no clue.

54:57 Adam Your parents not putting one in your room means they don't love you. My parents not only didn't have a smoke detector in my room, they kept oily rags and they let a hobo play with a Zippo lighter while I slice.

55:16 Drew It's made of toothpicks. Brianna Anderson, it was at a minute four. Let's see if you can find a tape of that for us.

55:22 Adam No, it wasn't at a minute four. It was at like 59.

55:25 Drew I'm not going to stop the whole show from there.

55:29 Adam Come on.

55:30 Caller I'll play one for you if you want to hear one.

55:31 Caller If it's that important to you.

55:33 Adam No, it's just driving.

55:34 Caller It drives us.

55:35 Adam Listen, we're like prisoners in the studio. We have to figure out ways to occupy ourselves. That's Anderson playing it. All right, so listen, Brianna, do you have a question? She wants to know what the S and the M stand for.

55:47 Drew Right? Sadism and masochism. Sadism and masochism.

55:56 Caller What's that?

55:57 Drew That's what S and M stands for.

56:00 Adam So sadism means you like to do stuff to people and the masochism part is like doing stuff to you, right?

56:06 Drew Right.

56:07 Caller Okay, and I just want to say I was listening and before when you were talking about the whole religion and stuff, I don't know what I'm talking about, forgiveness and all that, antism.

56:22 Drew Mm-hmm.

56:24 Caller Whatever.

56:25 Adam Okay, so we ran out of steam there. I wish you could go back. You know what I love about our callers is like you go, listen, I want you to go toward the smoke detector in the house. We don't have one. I know, please, you have to have one and we heard one. No, we don't. You don't? There's no smoke detector in the house? No. Then five minutes later, I know we heard a smoke there. Yeah, it's not my room. Was I that stupid at 14? Is it stupid meets combative?

57:00 Drew Yes. It's just too bad?

57:02 Adam It's just too bad?

57:03 Drew It's too bad, yes.

57:05 Adam Like I didn't say the smoke detector in your bedroom. I just said your house has no smoke. No, no smoke detector.

57:12 Drew Speaking of disguise, I got to talk about the newscast on Friday morning. I saw this 2020 episode about a guy getting amnesia. He was so clearly a trauma survivor with bipolar mania. They presented this story about this guy forgetting who his wife is. It's like a Gilligan's Island episode where he got hit with a coconut and now he's ginger. It's like, oh, oh, forget. People want to believe. No one consults about what happened. I was thinking to myself, you know what reminded me of is that song Ruby Tuesday? You don't have to lose your dreams, Adam. You lose your mind. Everyone knows somebody that's lost their mind because they stopped having dreams. Everybody. Never happened.

57:55 Adam Here's the whole thing. Whenever you watch a news, whenever you read an article, whenever you read the news, if it's ever about you, you know it's totally wrong. If anything ever read about yourself is just off. Right.

58:13 Drew In other words, if somebody is quoting you or giving a report about you, their story.

58:16 Adam If someone did a story on you, it would be wrong. So, now everything you see on TV that isn't you, assume that it's wrong. Assume that if that was you, it wouldn't be accurate and therefore it isn't.

58:30 Drew We've done the J. McGraw thing. Follow that.

58:33 Adam Drew doesn't like J. McGraw selling more books than me.

58:36 Drew No, I don't like that. I don't like that.

58:39 Adam He's going to write a book for teens on how to lose weight.

58:42 Drew I don't like that the press doesn't ask questions.

58:45 Adam They're just a bunch of ass kissers. Listen, this is the publicist. The publicist, if they hardball them, then they don't get them next time. It's just more publicist. Being. The publicist are just leeches on society. I'd like to kick all the publicists and all the attorneys and just pack them into one cannon and then pack it with ass and fire it into the ocean and just be done with it. It's a much better society. No publicist, no attorneys. What a utopia we'd be living in, Drew. This is just publicist crap. David, what's up?

59:30 Caller I had Florida or Germany for you, Adam.

59:34 Adam Raise our spirits. It's Germany or Florida, by the way.

59:38 Caller I had a quick question, like an actual Loveline question, real quick. Is it true that the term threesome and the term gangbang have two different meanings? Like a threesome has to be two girls and a guy and a gangbang has to be two guys and a girl?

59:56 Adam Whatever.

59:57 Drew Gangbang implies more men. Threesome could go either way.

1:00:02 Adam Gangbang implies multiple penises. Okay, let's break it down. We never broke this down before. Gangbang means more than one Johnson.

1:00:11 Drew Probably more than two.

1:00:13 Adam Probably more than two, yeah. If you thought you were going to take on a gang of two guys, you wouldn't really worry about it. Gang means three or more with the penis.

1:00:25 Drew What's not girls?

1:00:26 Adam One vagina. That's a gangbang. If you start including more vaginas, now you've got an orgy on your hands.

1:00:33 Drew That's right.

1:00:33 Adam Okay? Then a threesome can be of any mixture. Or the same. Although three guys going at it is technically, I guess, still a threesome, but the eyes have got.

1:00:46 Drew But if a guy brings it up, when a male brings it up to a girl, he's talking about two girls. Almost to that exception.

1:00:55 Adam Right.

1:00:56 Drew Germany or Florida? Make us happy.

1:01:00 Caller I guess I'm not supposed to sing where...

1:01:06 Adam That's Pink singing the theme. Go ahead.

1:01:10 Caller I guess it happened actually a while back. There was, I guess, some political turmoil going on and it became pretty intense. This one guy actually developed a pretty big hatred towards members of the Jewish race and everything. And it actually became legalizing the massive genocide of millions of Jewish people actually.

1:01:35 Drew Was that Florida or Germany? Yeah. Where did that happen? Germany or Florida?

1:01:44 Adam Most of our callers are stumped. Well, wait a minute. Now, this seems too obvious to be Germany.

1:01:50 Caller Come on.

1:01:51 Adam They wanted to legalize. What did he want to do? He wanted to legalize.

1:01:56 Caller The genocide of millions of Jews.

1:01:59 Drew Did he carry it out?

1:02:02 Caller Actually, I believe that World War I started over. Oh, okay.

1:02:06 Adam He's screwing around. Yes. I'm so naive. Well done.

1:02:09 Drew Thank you.

1:02:10 Adam Don't ever call again. I like that. Believe me, Kelly Osborne doesn't know who we're talking about.

1:02:17 Drew She's an expert in World War II.

1:02:18 Adam I only bring her up because I was announcing that women don't know anything about war, and she fought back feverishly, explaining that yes, we do. I do. I'm studying it in school. Who are the good guys and who are the bad guys? Oh, please. That's not fair. It's not fair.

1:02:40 Caller You are the weakest thing.

1:02:41 Adam Goodbye. It's like saying, I know everything about cars. It's like, okay, how many wheels on a car? Oh, that's an unfair question. No, that's not. It's the world's easiest question. I didn't ask you about the cam timing. I just asked you how many wheels on a regular car. Yeah, that's an unfair question.

1:03:01 Drew How dare you?

1:03:02 Adam Listen, and then she got mad at me for laughing at her. But my whole thing was just don't pipe up.

1:03:07 Drew Then we had a woman called who was an expert military expert.

1:03:09 Adam Didn't know anything either or knew something, but not that much. Here's all I'm saying. A lot of people piping up in this society about stuff they don't know. It's not like me. I know everything. I'm talking about the incest in Latino cultures. I know what I'm talking about. You see what I'm saying, Drew? I have data. Let's talk to... Now look, is this person's name Chevelle? Yeah. Chevelle? Is that your name? That's your real name?

1:03:37 Caller Yeah, after the car.

1:03:41 Adam That's a bad sign, boy. That's serious white trash right there. Your dad was... Yeah. Your dad was in the... he's in the Chevelles?

1:03:51 Drew He collects them? He thinks it was a travesty that they were discontinued?

1:03:55 Caller Oh, I don't know.

1:03:56 Drew I really don't know. Those types of things. He still complains.

1:03:59 Adam Oh, you don't know your dad?

1:04:01 Caller No. But I know I was conceived in the back of a Chevelle.

1:04:05 Drew Perfect.

1:04:06 Adam And... Yeah.

1:04:09 It's a good thing you worked...

1:04:10 Caller Yeah, white trash.

1:04:12 Adam You could have been in a Daihatsu charade or something. I mean, it could have been worse.

1:04:17 Drew And the Chevelle at 16 doesn't... And the Chevelle at every 25 years old.

1:04:22 Adam My dad is a Chevelle man. And let me say this once... Let me say to all you white trash idiots out there with your stupid white beaters and your bad mustaches, I watch these crappy... All I watch is car shows when I get home and I see these jackasses over there, Chevelle, all this. They love all that American muscle. Let me just tell you something about your beloved American muscle car. Straight axles in the back, drum brakes and leaf springs, pieces of junk. Junk. GT40? GT40 was a barely production car. They made seven of them. They just... They didn't even make them. How dare you? All that other stuff you guys get nostalgic about though, all those Corvettes, all those Mustangs. There's about three of them that are nice. The rest are junk. All that Chevelle, all that stuff, all that big box with the iron blocks and iron heads and 1950s technology, just junk, just pure junk. Please get over yourselves. Those cars suck. Thank you Chevelle, go ahead.

1:05:19 Caller Okay, well...

1:05:20 Adam I'm tired of all these idiots from Florida with their bad mustaches talking about Mustangs and cutting them in their pants. These cars are junk. Go get in one, go drive one. It's just junk. Thank you.

1:05:33 Caller All right, so...

1:05:34 Caller Now that you got that out...

1:05:36 Adam So, your dad named you Chevelle and then split?

1:05:38 Caller No, my mom named me Chevelle. My dad split before he even knew my mom. Well, as soon as he found out my mom was pregnant, he took off.

1:05:47 Drew All right, what's your question?

1:05:49 Caller Okay, well, I'm 16 and my best friend, her parents know that I've been going through a lot of family troubles. And they said about... because this happened about a year ago that things started getting really bad. And so they said that they would be willing to take me in as one of their kids, because they've only got two kids in any way. But my question is, if I go with them, if I live with them, then I would have to call social services in order to get it legally, like them as my legal parents. But if I do that, I would be taking chances of having my other little brothers and sisters taken away from my parents.

1:06:36 Drew Taken away to a place of safety.

1:06:38 Caller Yeah, I don't want them split up, like, not seeing each other.

1:06:42 Adam They'd rather have them together in hell than split apart in an environment?

1:06:46 Caller Well, no, because they are not treated the same as I am.

1:06:49 Adam They're gonna.

1:06:50 Drew Well, the social services don't rush in and take everybody away.

1:06:54 Adam How many brothers and sisters do you have? I have.

1:06:56 Caller I have two little brothers and a little sister.

1:07:02 Adam Criminal, criminal and stripper.

1:07:04 Drew That's what I hear. Is the stepdad the one that's mistreating you?

1:07:09 Caller Is what?

1:07:09 Drew The stepdad the one that's mistreating you?

1:07:13 Caller Well, it's kind of my stepdad. He's like an alcoholic. And my mom is just. My mom just doesn't like me. We constantly fight, like, all the time. And she's constantly saying how, like, she regretted having me and things like that. And she found out that I, you know, because I cut myself. And she found that out. And she grounded me for, like, a month for finding out about it.

1:07:39 Adam Now, how old is this little Pinta Vega? I know Pacer is a weight problem. We had to see it coming. Grab one of these tacos. Your other, they named after cars or?

1:07:55 Caller No, they're named after family members.

1:07:58 Adam Oh, they're named after other places they were conceived, like cot, lawn and haystack. Couch. Porch sofa. Come here and do your homework. Hey, here's the deal.

1:08:15 Drew Chevelle, get out of there. It's fine.

1:08:17 Adam Hey, Lounge Chair.

1:08:18 Drew The services we're all for, their job is to improve things. Go ahead, Chevelle.

1:08:24 Adam And baby, don't act out now. Don't get pregnant.

1:08:27 Caller I don't want to. I'm still a virgin.

1:08:29 I don't want to.

1:08:31 Adam Good. Look, here's what you all need to do. You all need to do the exact opposite of your parents. If you have crappy parents.

1:08:41 Caller Thank you.

1:08:43 Adam Yes. You need to remain a virgin for as long as you can, get good grades, get an education and have a fruitful and healthy life.

1:08:51 Caller Yeah.

1:08:52 Adam Thank you. We'll be back. Hey, yo, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. All right. Tina?

1:09:08 Caller Hi. My boyfriend is just about 32 and 33 here on Sunday. And we tried having sex tonight and he just can't keep an erection. And it's been kind of going on now for a little bit. And it just kind of hurts my feelings because...

1:09:25 Drew Hold on a second. You confused me a little bit. When did you first try to have sex?

1:09:27 Adam I think going on for a little bit.

1:09:29 Drew Yeah.

1:09:30 Caller Yeah. It's been going on for like maybe, I don't know, two, three months now.

1:09:34 Drew When did you first try to have sex with him?

1:09:37 Caller When did I try first having sex with him?

1:09:39 Adam Yeah.

1:09:40 Caller Oh, God. We had sex yesterday.

1:09:45 Drew Didn't she tell the story as though this was something that had just happened and then she said it had been going on for a while now?

1:09:51 Adam Yeah.

1:09:51 Drew That's my confusion.

1:09:52 Adam Well, stop being confused because I knew what she meant.

1:09:56 Drew What does she mean?

1:09:57 Adam Well, what she's doing is she's trying to soft sell it, like, oh my goodness, this happened and then this has been going on for some time. As you scratch beneath the surface, you realize there's maybe a little more here. And she's been having some feelings about it, like she's not feeling attractive. Tina?

1:10:15 Caller Yeah, that's totally true. All right. I mean, because I'm not unattractive. I mean, I'm not like, whoa, she's like really hot, but I'm like definitely pretty good looking for, I guess, what I am. What are you? I'm like half Asian, half Italian.

1:10:36 Adam Ooh. Baby, you don't have to apologize for that. We will not eat, but I like that. That's a good combo. Let me tell you something. The Asians, they need to be cut just a little bit.

1:10:50 Drew Cut down.

1:10:51 Adam You need to step on them.

1:10:52 Drew Cut a little baby powder.

1:10:54 Adam They need to be stepped on. Yeah, like when you got some pure cocaine and you step on it with a little baby laxative, you know what I'm saying? That's when you get the mixture. Just right. And that's you, Tina.

1:11:08 Drew Dang.

1:11:09 Adam Yeah, that's a good combo. That's that Eurasian.

1:11:13 Drew Yeah.

1:11:13 Caller Well, anyway, he used to smoke, I mean, not smoke, like snort crystal meth and he smokes a lot of cigarettes and he smokes pot. I don't smoke pot anymore because I get anxiety attacks from it. So I don't know if that's probably the reason why he's not.

1:11:32 Drew That's that's at least that is at least some of the reason. Certainly Crystal can do it. Probably still the old speed or something. The pot can do it. Cigarettes absolutely can progressively restrict the blood supply to the penis and have ultimately a profound effect on the blood supply.

1:11:47 Adam What's up with this guy? What's he do for a living?

1:11:51 Caller He is a parts runner which basically he gets like things from one company and he has to send it to another company.

1:11:59 Adam Does he physically drive it over there?

1:12:01 Caller Yes.

1:12:03 Adam Yeah. And listen, I love the way I love the way you describe things. He has to send it. Now, he doesn't he doesn't send it. He schleps it. He's handed it.

1:12:11 Drew And he gets in his car.

1:12:13 Adam He gets on his moped and he drives it across town like some sort of drunken mule. This guy's 33. I mean, this is this is serious loser behavior here.

1:12:26 Caller Yeah, he still lives at home with his parents.

1:12:28 Drew Yeah.

1:12:29 Caller Oh, my God. I know.

1:12:30 Caller It's really bad. I know. But I really like him.

1:12:33 Adam Sure. It's not the love.

1:12:35 Drew And he's an untreated addict, Tina. Untreated addict.

1:12:39 Adam What do you got going?

1:12:40 Drew What's wrong with you? We can't keep an erection.

1:12:43 Caller I don't know a lot, I guess.

1:12:45 Drew Evidently. Your dad was an alcoholic?

1:12:52 Caller He's different now. He loves you, Adam Carolla.

1:12:57 Drew All abusive guys like him.

1:12:58 Adam Is this the guy, the Italian one or the Asian one?

1:13:01 Caller He's Italian.

1:13:07 Drew Tina, he didn't drink when he used to be abusive to you?

1:13:10 Caller He used to drink, but I guess he would have started having high blood pressure.

1:13:17 Drew That's what I'm talking about. He's an alcoholic and in his disease he was abusive to you. So now you're very attracted to alcoholic addicts.

1:13:24 Adam All right. Look, this guy is a loser.

1:13:28 Caller Oh, I know.

1:13:30 Adam Now look, are you so scared to be on your own that you can't be without this guy for a few short months until you glom on to some other guy?

1:13:41 Caller No, I guess I can because I went from a relationship that was really good and I still really liked the guy that I dumped.

1:13:50 Drew You dumped him because he was available. It was a real relationship. You can't tolerate that.

1:13:55 Adam This guy is no good. You need a little therapy. What are you doing with your life?

1:13:59 Caller I work as a retail clerk at a company.

1:14:04 Drew At a company.

1:14:05 Adam Fine. Listen, it doesn't matter. You're 20. You've got 20 years before I'm going to screw with you. Plus, you're Asian. You've got potential.

1:14:15 Drew Gab Benetton?

1:14:15 Adam Yeah, I've got all those colors over there.

1:14:19 Drew What?

1:14:20 Caller I'm actually really stupid.

1:14:23 Adam No, no, no, no.

1:14:24 Drew That's not a cognitive thing, not an intellectual problem. It's an emotional problem.

1:14:28 Adam It helps, but no. This is just, your dad screwed you over. You're attracted to the wrong guys, and that's it. It's not about being stupid.

1:14:38 Drew How come people can't get the fact that attraction comes from trauma?

1:14:42 They just can't get it.

1:14:43 Drew They can't get their head around it. It's nowhere in our culture. No one teaches it.

1:14:48 Adam No.

1:14:49 Drew That's all right, Drew. It's kind of frustrating, isn't it?

1:14:53 Adam It is, but then I start drinking, and it all goes away. All the troubles, all my troubles melt away. Pour myself a nice glass of red wine.

1:15:04 Drew You're going to be like one of my... You are my Empire State Building. When it comes time to treat you, it's going to be...

1:15:10 Adam TiVo and booze.

1:15:12 Drew I mean, it's going to be a monumental project.

1:15:15 Adam Forget about the booze. You will work on that TiVo. It's about 70 hours of that each day. Yeah. No, I do. I go home, and I watch TV for about two hours, about an hour and 45 minutes when I come home at night. I watch about 180 hours of programming. I just watch like, I watch Modern Marvels on the building of the Golden Gate Bridge. It's an hour-long show. I watch it in 14 seconds. And then I switch on. I watch whole movies, watch everything. I watch movies on DVD. I watched Smoking the Bandit 2 the other night. It took about 11 minutes. Jerry Reed singing a song. Better fast forward through that.

1:16:02 Drew That's about the entire content.

1:16:04 Adam How dare you attack my Smoking the Bandit movies. Abraham? You're 18. Uh-oh, Bakersfield. Yeah, that's trouble.

1:16:16 Drew Thank you very much.

1:16:17 Adam You gotta think about getting out of there.

1:16:19 Drew We just played Bakersfield. I can't, somehow, is Abraham your real name?

1:16:24 Adam Yeah.

1:16:25 Drew Abraham and Bakersfield?

1:16:26 Adam They're gonna run you out of that town real soon.

1:16:28 Drew He just stopped by.

1:16:30 Adam Yeah, you're not long for that town. Alright, so what's up?

1:16:35 Caller I was just wondering how you and Drew get along outside of the show.

1:16:38 Drew Swimmingly.

1:16:40 Adam Yeah, well, let's put it this way. We talk on the cell phone on the ride home every night for 22 minutes.

1:16:48 Drew Because we don't do enough talking on the radio together.

1:16:52 Adam Yeah, I mean, you want to hear gay. Let me give you gay. We leave the radio station at 120... What do you think it is? 1202.5? At the latest. Yeah, you know, it's funny if we have to take a picture with somebody and get out of here at 1204. We're angry. Alright, so we leave here at about 1202.5, maybe 1203. Get in our cars, my phone rings, and then Drew and I speak until I get into my kitchen. Once I get in proximity to my TiVo, then of course I got my booze, my medicine, as I call it, and then my TiVo, and that's it. Now, Drew, I am, by the way, and let this be a lesson, everybody, I don't know what kind of lesson, but I got two partners. One is Jimmy and one is Drew, and I get along great with both of them and still like... I mean, you know, I go to Jimmy's every Sunday for eight hours and watch football. I really enjoy hanging out with them. I really enjoy hanging out with Drew. You don't have to hate the people that are around you. You can surround yourself with good people and enjoy yourself. Abraham, that's why you need to get out of Bakersfield. There ain't no Jimmy's or Drew's in Bakersfield.

1:18:10 Caller There's not.

1:18:11 Caller All right.

1:18:13 Drew Abraham's lighting up the highway there, getting out of town.

1:18:15 Caller All right, buddy.

1:18:16 Caller Do you guys ever get in arguments outside?

1:18:19 Have you ever done that before?

1:18:20 Drew No, our fights are on the air, almost without exception.

1:18:24 Adam We get in arguments. I'll tell you what we'll get in arguments about. Once in a while, Drew will try to undermine my authority when we're talking. Here's the thing. The way stuff traditionally gets done around here at Loveline is I threaten not to come in at a certain point. And Drew will always try to make it nice. Like when we wanted to move studios, Anderson said, could you push back your ultimatum date where you won't come in because I'm going to be on vacation. I can't do that. And Drew said, why can't you do that? And I said, because a date is a date. And that's when I stopped coming in, like I did with the security guard, by the way, trying to get a security guard for eight months. Cheap sons of bitches wouldn't get us one. Just walking out into a dark parking lot, walking out in the street every night. So eventually I just said, I'm not coming in after this date. Lo and behold, it's really it's great management, by the way, where you just have every time you want something, you have to threaten not to come in. Otherwise, you won't get it. But anyway, Drew was saying to an engineer, Anderson, no, let's push the date back. Come on, Adam. Blah, blah, blah. And that's what Drew does. He gets in the way.

1:19:33 Drew He doesn't like what you're doing. No, no, no, but he's watching.

1:19:37 Adam Listen, every three-toed sloth around here wouldn't move for anything.

1:19:43 Drew The whole Loveline team was sticking up for me, except for you.

1:19:46 Adam That's the team that's going to die in that dump known as Westwood One. That's the team that couldn't move the goddamn show for a year and a half.

1:19:54 Drew What do you mean, team? Anderson, don't personalize Anderson. What he's actually getting on to is actually a serious problem, which I'm very co-dependent.

1:20:05 Adam Very.

1:20:06 Drew I don't set limits well, and if I see somebody who needs something, I'm like, okay, let's help that guy. Therapy, therapy, therapy. Yes, sir. Well, I'd better use a bit.

1:20:13 Adam Drew's too good, but in the process of being too good, he's too bad.

1:20:17 Drew It undermines it. It's not right, and I don't even know I'm doing it. And that's where I think I have a sinister consciousness that's operating. I've got Stewie inside me operating the controls.

1:20:31 Adam Then I just start yelling at Drew, listen, if you're not going to do anything, just shut up.

1:20:35 Drew Which is fine.

1:20:36 Adam Yeah, see, there you go.

1:20:38 Drew You're better off with me just shutting up. You got stuff done.

1:20:40 Adam No, I mean, let's try that now. Ready, go. Okay, that's good. You know, I was thinking about the other day, someone was talking to me about, remember when your wife gave that crazy Asian guy my cell phone number so he could try to sell me knives? He called me Pan Pan. He called me Sunday morning at the nine o'clock. You know, once in a while, you start talking about a story that happened. And there's ones you waxing poetic about or nostalgic about or whatever. And then you start telling stories and you go, what the F was she thinking? What was that? She gave this guy who was barely a stranger to her. I mean, she knew the guy a little bit, but not too good. And this guy was the most obnoxious man ever born. And he wanted to sell Drew's wife some knives. So Drew's wife said, and he probably said, who else could I sell some knives to? And she said, how about Adam Carolla? And he said, fine. And she said, here's his cell phone number, which I now, while I was telling this story and getting outraged yesterday at the office, I was thinking, you know, I bet she went to Drew and Drew gave her that cell phone number. And then this son of a bitch called me on Sunday morning. It was like nine something and wanted to get together. And I was like, who is this? I don't know who this is. Oh, you don't know me. I just want to sell you some knives. And then I finally agreed to buy some cleavers off this a-hole. And the guy just turned out to be a sociopath. I was going to buy some cleavers off him for like a hundred and twenty bucks a piece. I was going to buy one for me and one for Jimmy. And then he got so bent out of shape about the fact that I wasn't buying the Pulponion set for eight grand. I finally told him to f off. And I wasn't going to buy his crappy cleavers. And then he went nuts. What an idiot that guy is. Jesus Christ. What the hell is your wife giving my cell phone number for? Do you realize how crazy out of bounds that is? Do you realize how far your wife has spun out into the stratosphere?

1:22:42 Drew How about the fact that I probably provided the number?

1:22:43 How about the fact that you gave her my number?

1:22:45 Drew You got to, Drew. Not just remember, that guy is bringing knives into your house.

1:22:49 Adam Yeah, okay. Let me say this. Let me say this, please.

1:22:52 Drew He was a high school student in my kid's high school. Going off to Brown, yes, yes. He now comes back every year and coaches my daughter in volleyball.

1:23:04 Adam Keep an eye on him because you're going to open a knife throwing act. Your daughter is going to be on a piece of spinning plywood while Pan Pan throws steak knives at her.

1:23:12 Drew That's just Pan now.

1:23:13 Adam That's just Pan. Jesus Christ, I hate him with a frying pan. It's driving me nuts. But anyway, here's my point, Drew. Your wife is a little nutty, fine. That's your thing. You dig it. Fine. That's good. I can see that. Everyone's got their own thing going on. That's fine. You, though, being the sane one of the two, have to realize you need a safe word for society. You know what I mean? Like, hey, my wife's a little nutty. She doesn't really have boundaries. She likes to just sort of steamroll. She does her own thing. Fine. That's her thing. You're attracted to it. And like I said, I can see that. But you're the one who has to slide in as the voice of reality when she starts wanting to get Pan Pan my cell phone numbers. You can sell me knives Sunday morning.

1:23:57 Drew I don't have good boundaries either. And that's the point.

1:23:59 Adam But no, no, no. But that's the, you're the sane one.

1:24:01 Drew I need that.

1:24:02 Adam You're the sane one of the group. That's where you guys start thinking.

1:24:05 Drew Both of us need a better boundary.

1:24:07 Adam Well, I don't blame her. Like with her, it's like, you know, animals skate from the zoo. You don't blame the animal. You got to build a bigger fence. Well, I mean, she does her thing. She does her thing. Do you know what I'm saying?

1:24:22 Drew No.

1:24:23 Adam She does her thing like the animal at the zoo does her thing. They do their thing. You're not going to stop her from doing her thing.

1:24:29 Drew You know, it hurts her very much when you talk about her like this.

1:24:32 Adam Well, someone should say something. She should hear this. She does her thing.

1:24:37 Drew What does that mean?

1:24:38 Adam I mean, she's got energy. She's going to do her thing. I don't, I don't look, and here's what I'm saying.

1:24:45 Drew You like lap dogs.

1:24:46 Adam No, no, no. Here's what I'm saying. I'm saying, I don't want to launch off into too big an attack. What I'm saying is, I appreciate your wife for the kind of person she is. She's fun to hang around with. She's got her good qualities. I can see why you're attracted to her, and I see all that stuff in her. I also see that she's set in her ways, for lack of a better term. Yes, we all should strive to be better, but I don't, I'm not going to put that kind of pressure on her. I look at her as she's her. That's her. She does what she does. We all know people that are this way, by the way. You love them, you hang out with them, but there's people that just do what they do. I'm putting your wife into that category.

1:25:27 Drew But that's my problem too, because I do what I do too.

1:25:29 Adam You do, but I think you have more potential for lateral movement, and at least should have more. I hold you to a slightly higher standard. That's what I'm saying. And for someone who's been through as much, read as much, and done as much as you, you should have a little light going off in your head when she's asking for my cell number, so Pan Pan can sell me a knife knife. Yes?

1:25:55 Drew Cleaver Cleaver.

1:25:56 Adam Alright. We're going to take a break, and we're going to take calls after this. It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Alex?

1:26:06 What's going on, Adam?

1:26:07 Adam 20.

1:26:08 I have a question for Dr. Drew. I heard about this product on sports radio. It's called TheraPen, and supposedly it makes your penis bigger.

1:26:20 Drew It must be true, then.

1:26:24 It has to be true. Actually, the reason why I'm curious about it is because they claim that it's been FDA-approved, and basically you do some exercises when your penis is not erect.

1:26:37 Drew We had a call last night about this.

1:26:38 Adam Yeah. Look, here's the thing. If you want to dangle a weight from the end of your dork, it will make it longer eventually.

1:26:47 Caller Well, actually, it's not a weight. It's an exercise that you do when...

1:26:52 Adam It's probably tugging off. Don't bother with any of this nonsense. Just please, everybody.

1:27:00 Drew The guy last night had a larger penis that wouldn't get hard if you were called. That was the call last night. So it's not necessarily good for you.

1:27:07 Adam Yeah.

1:27:07 Drew It wouldn't get completely too massive anyway.

1:27:10 Adam Speaking of blowhards, let's turn on some sports radio. Maybe we should get the ultimate pull of hard. The guys that have to start every send with, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm going to tell you the truth and I'll be honest with you. Peyton Manning is in the top five of NFL quarterbacks playing in this league right now. That's right. I said it. I'm honest with you. I'm opening phone lines. Oh, shut up. You ever tune in to these guys? What are they talking about?

1:27:38 Drew I don't know. I'm not one of the guys that could listen to sports talk very much.

1:27:44 Adam I always love it when... Well, first off, I love it when the guys refer to the team as we. I love it when the fans are we. And then I love the guys who call in and want to rearrange the lineup. When they go, yeah, we're feeling pretty good about our victory over Cleveland Monday night. I think if we took Isaac Bruce and moved him out into the flanker position and then started Warner, we could... You live at your mom's house and play with yourself most of the day and then the rest of the day spend playing electronic battleship. What do you mean, we?

1:28:26 Caller As soon as they lose, though, they always say, they.

1:28:28 Adam Yeah. Well, what happened with the Rams? What happened with your Rams?

1:28:32 Drew Well, they lost.

1:28:33 Adam They didn't execute. They didn't listen to what I said. And then they win. It's we again. And they just sit around talking about bizarre hypotheticals over and over and over again. And then the sports talk starts where the baseball season ended 10 minutes ago. They're always talking about... We may get Pedro Martinez during the offseason. It's all this offseason discussion they're having. The goddamn season is not going to start for three months. Really? Is anyone... Can anyone care about a season that has like 160-something games in it? Really? Pivotal game 28 out of the 168? 163 or 167 or whatever?

1:29:14 Drew Jesus Christ.

1:29:15 Adam Listen, everyone, just play the sports and watch some football on the Sundays. You don't have to call in the goddamn radio shows. Jason?

1:29:24 Yeah, this is Jason. Hey, how are you guys doing?

1:29:25 Adam Hey, you're 20. What's up?

1:29:27 Caller Um, all right, let me tell you the problem and then I'll ask you my question. Uh, the problem is, uh, it takes me anywhere from, uh, I'd say 30 minutes to an hour to, uh, to finish when I'm having sex.

1:29:38 Adam I'm going to be totally honest with you, Drew. I'm saying Jason's taking too long to come. There, I said it, okay? I'm going to be up front with our callers tonight. All right, I'm glad we got that. All right, thanks, Jason. Line one. So that went too. They got to punch everyone out and go everywhere every 10 seconds because they don't have anything to say. Joanne! Yeah, you're with the guys. Hey, let me be honest with you. Teacher stares at you. I'm going to be honest with you. That's out of line. Thanks, Joanne. Let's, uh, hop the line, uh, let's go to the hotline. Hey. Yeah, line three. You and your friend began boozing at age 14. I don't condone. Let me be honest with you. I'm going to be straight out front. I'm going to say this, Drew. I don't care what anyone says. Not, not appropriate for 14-year-olds to be alcoholics. There you go. You heard it. I said it. We're going to stand by it. I know I'm going to get flack for it. It's the other thing, too, this imaginary flack.

1:30:28 Drew Right.

1:30:29 Adam Yeah, because, uh...

1:30:30 Drew Because it's so important.

1:30:31 Adam Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're, uh, you're starting Ricky Williams in your fantasy football league. You're going to get a lot of flack.

1:30:41 Caller What the hell are you...

1:30:44 Adam How old are you guys?

1:30:45 Caller You're adult males.

1:30:46 Drew Are you not?

1:30:49 Adam Jason?

1:30:49 Caller Yeah.

1:30:51 Drew 45 minutes. Oh, yeah. Are you on medication?

1:30:55 Caller No, no, no. This isn't even... You know, this is just, uh, the beginning. The question is, uh, am I doing anything that could hurt the woman, like, in the long run?

1:31:04 Drew Yes, it's not going to...

1:31:05 Adam Yes, you can. You could blow a hole out of the back of her lower spine.

1:31:09 Drew It could irritate the heck out of things, and, uh, I guess it could predispose to... Well, certainly, you're an attraction of infections. And, uh, again, I need to ask some questions. Any medical problems?

1:31:18 Caller No, not at all.

1:31:19 Drew And how long does it take you when you're by yourself?

1:31:22 Caller Uh, probably, like, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. I mean, when I'm by myself, I mean, I don't just start out of nowhere. You know, I'm already pretty, uh, pretty excited. You know what I mean?

1:31:32 Drew When you're by yourself?

1:31:33 Caller Yeah, like, uh, I'd be, you know, watching some porn or something and getting excited till then I'd crack one off.

1:31:38 Adam Yeah, yeah. But, uh, 15 minutes ain't cracking one off. Yeah, that'd be long.

1:31:44 Caller I'd say somewhere around 10, isn't that what I...

1:31:46 Drew Okay, well, you need to apply the Corolla method.

1:31:48 Caller What was it?

1:31:48 Drew Tri-monarch Corolla method of, uh... That's it.

1:31:50 Caller Yeah...

1:31:51 Drew .of masturbation. If sex is good but it's not the real thing.

1:31:54 Adam Yeah, I...

1:31:55 Drew So bring around sex to the real thing.

1:31:56 Adam See if you can shave a few minutes off that masturbation.

1:32:00 Drew But then, whatever technique you use...

1:32:02 Adam Yeah, get in that position. All right, we'll take a break. We'll be back. That's it, the best of Loveline, which after all is better than Loveline, because it's the best. I want to thank everyone who made the show possible, and say, until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

1:32:32 This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

1:33:29 Drew Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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Wednesday, December 31, 2003