Episode 1000585911794

0:52 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

1:00 Voiceover Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:05 Adam That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Oh yeah, I brought some gifts tonight, Drew.

1:17 Drew Yeah, he brought this car magazine for me to look at.

1:20 Adam Yeah, Drew loves cars. Yeah, nothing better.

1:25 Drew What's with your other friends? I mean, your other, yeah.

1:29 Adam Let me tell you the thing about guys. Some guys are interested in mechanical stuff, heterosexual guys. No, some guys are interested in how stuff works. To me, there's no greater artistic achievement than a beautiful car. There just isn't because, okay, a beautiful painting is beautiful, a beautiful piece of sculpture is beautiful, but this stuff has 7,000 parts that all come together.

1:58 Drew I'm gonna expose something about myself, a little self-disclosure here. And you tell me if this is a little male piece of myself, you tell me you don't feel the same way.

2:05 Adam You like to blow a guy every once in a while. Once in a while.

2:09 Drew I would say once in a while. No, it's not that. It's a, there's something about the appreciation of the female form and the appreciation of these cars. It's similar. It's a similar, it evokes a similar something.

2:22 Adam There's a similar, you know what I mean? There's a visceral reaction.

2:25 Drew Yeah, it's something, yeah. You can't, if you are a passionate person, you can't.

2:29 Adam You can't stop looking at a beautiful female. You can't stop looking at a beautiful car the same way. And you want it. And you want to get inside. Yeah, yes, inside. That's where you need to be.

2:41 Drew And drive.

2:42 Adam Yeah, I don't know what it is about guys, and it seems like I know quite a few of them that have almost zero interest in automobiles.

2:49 Drew But I bet you that that other piece isn't there either. I bet you.

2:52 Adam That's the thing, though, Drew. That's the thing. Drew is a man of exquisite, extreme, unstoppable passion, unbridled passion. His passion, if it was a well, it would have no bottom on it. It would just continually, it would go to China. And then his passion would fall into China. Because that's where you go if you go through the earth. You land in China. But here's the thing. These other guys I know, and these are all the guys I work with, all these Hollywood guys, not interested in cars. They're more interested in like the Lord of the Rings than they are in cars. But they are men who enjoy women quite a bit. And I know you can't make that connection.

3:34 Drew They like kind of being around them and socialize, it's in partying with. You know what I mean? It's a different thing.

3:41 Adam They like to hump them and slap them and finish on them. Just like you. Now I know the connection you're making and I wish that that was true, but it's not.

3:53 Drew It's not true.

3:55 Adam There's no connection there. I know. I just think the less interest in cars, the more interest you have in dudes as a guy. Or your interest in cars and interest in women are parallel. Medium interest in cars, medium interest in women.

4:08 Drew That's what I think.

4:09 Adam Little interest in cars.

4:10 Drew That's what I think.

4:11 Adam Not that way.

4:12 Drew No.

4:12 Adam It isn't. These guys are passionate men as well. They just don't like cars. They just don't. It's a beard. I don't know. It's a beard. Listen, don't get me started. Anyway, where are we, Drew?

4:26 Drew Talking about the holidays. Yeah, you have presents.

4:28 Adam Did you bring presents?

4:30 Drew We agree.

4:30 Adam I know, not you.

4:33 Drew I brought some last time.

4:33 Adam Oh yeah. I wish I could get this agreement. Well, I actually do have this agreement going with my family except for we didn't agree on it. It just happens. As soon as I got a job, they stopped buying me presents. But I brought presents for the little people.

4:46 Drew Chris got something?

4:46 Adam Tomorrow, yeah. I got money for Chris. I just said, look, let's not beat around the bush. You know, everyone with these gift certificates and then there's this other stuff too where it's like, hey, American Express is coming out with a gift certificate. They run the commercial for American Express. It's like, hey, you ever get a gift certificate for a place you don't wanna go to? Well, now American Express has gift certificates that are honored at multiple places. Yeah, how about cash at a certain point? It's basically what it is. You just give the guy a hundred bucks. Really? Hey, here's this gift certificate. You can use it anywhere, Drew, at almost any time. It expires in six months. How about just firing some cash over at a certain point? Of course.

5:26 Drew Well, here's why. It's thought to be less thoughtful. And I learned something this year about gift giving. When I had sort of a breakthrough, I realized I went out and bought some good gifts this year and I thought, oh, and she's gonna be so appreciative that I thought it out and did it. It doesn't matter what I bought. It's that I spent the time thinking about her and doing it. And I thought, she's gonna buy this ass anyway. But the fact that I went out and bought it and thought about it, makes all the difference in the world.

5:50 Adam That's all women. Oh, that's why women, that's why they get paid less than guys, they're not practical at all.

5:54 Drew They don't really care what it is. We're just in having. We're just in having. Not interested in money, it's fine. We wanna have money, it's fine. Having, fine. We're not interested in somebody spending time thinking about us having. We just wanna have.

6:05 Adam Right. I, buddy of mine dropped like 5,400 bucks on a ring today and I just, I saw him moments after he did it and he just, he just looked like he had that thousand yard Vietnam vet stare.

6:18 Drew You know, traumatized.

6:19 Adam Senior platoon would go down.

6:20 Drew Yeah.

6:21 Adam Yeah, just, he's just staring into space and I was like, hey, what happened? He's like, oh man, he's like, yeah. He's just staring off into space, clearly traumatized. All right. You ready to rock? Yeah.

6:37 Drew Why don't you get the gifts out now?

6:39 Adam No.

6:39 Drew No.

6:39 Adam I gotta get them together. I gotta work them down. Hey Anderson, are you coming over this way?

6:46 Drew How am I supposed to do that? He's everything tonight.

6:48 Adam I don't mean, no, I don't mean right now. I just mean, I don't know.

6:51 Drew I believe, I left something for you in Ann's office.

6:53 Adam Some phase of the game.

6:54 Yeah, like after the show, I might have to.

6:56 Adam Why don't you send Lauren over?

6:58 Drew With your gifts? Yeah, and a screen.

7:00 I've been screening all week and I've had a headache.

7:01 Drew I hate, I hate hearing them.

7:02 Adam I'll send her over. Now she can just carry them. She doesn't have to keister the thing like a heroin mule, does she?

7:09 No.

7:09 Adam Cause I got you a carton of cigarettes.

7:11 You're the man. All right, nine packs?

7:14 Adam However, how many are in a carton?

7:16 Well, 10, but last year I got nine.

7:19 Adam Oh really?

7:19 Drew Oh, Native American spirit.

7:21 Adam Oh, don't ruin it, Drew.

7:23 Why'd you get?

7:24 Drew They're wrapped so nicely.

7:25 Adam Why'd you get nine last year?

7:27 Cause you apparently took one.

7:28 Adam Oh really?

7:29 Oh yeah, they're just like empty. They're like loose in a bag.

7:32 Adam No, how dare you pilot. At least you and Anderson does. Maybe we'll just keep these. I'll give them out to somebody. No, there's kids out there who don't have organic cigarettes to smoke.

7:45 Drew Is he gonna get money too?

7:46 Adam Get rid of that stuff, put that stuff down.

7:48 Drew But thank you, thank you Adam for not getting me a gift. I really, I appreciate that. That is thoughtful, that is tough. I wish we had that, I want that agreement codified and then I wanna include many of my other friends in that agreement.

7:59 Adam I couldn't agree more. Let's see, listen, you start hanging around with the Corollas, you won't never worry about getting gifts again. All right, all right, let's get rocking here and talk to Nicole, who's 14.

8:10 Nicole? Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.

8:14 There we are.

8:14 Adam All right, Nicole?

8:16 Yeah.

8:17 Adam What's up?

8:19 I'm 14 and just recently me and my boyfriend tried to have sex, like he couldn't get it in. Like, I guess I was like too tight or something, I don't know. And I'm just wondering, is that normal?

8:30 Drew Yeah, for a 14-year-old, yes. It's you're too nervous, you're not ready. Don't do that. It's your body, you're sort of reacting. Were you abused or anything earlier? Or was there anything you need to tell us?

8:40 No, I just like really, really wanna have sex really bad.

8:43 Really? Why?

8:46 Drew Well, your body, your brain says yes, your body says no.

8:48 Adam Let me ask your, your dad may say no too. Let me ask you something if he's around. Is he around?

8:55 No, he died when I was five.

8:57 Adam Oh. What happened?

8:59 Kidney failure. He was only born with one kidney.

9:03 Adam Drew, how many do I have?

9:04 Drew Two.

9:08 Adam Really?

9:09 Drew It was smart of him to have kids then.

9:10 Adam You figured out it's a pretty good run. Yeah, well yeah, but you know, I don't know. This guy have a late, was he deaf?

9:17 Oh, why?

9:18 Drew Because the kidney and the ear was developed at the same time.

9:22 Adam Yeah. Like I said, what is it with the doc? He's not supposed to lift L2. Yeah. I'm gonna make these proclamations. Hey, Nicole. How old is your boyfriend? How long have you been going out with him? Are your friends having sex?

9:40 Um, no, they're just messing around right now.

9:44 Drew Is he able to have an erection? Does he lose his erection or anything? No, what are you using for birth control? What are you using for birth control?

9:53 Adam Some bazooka bubble gum. Why is it, let me ask, let me say this, and you tell me if I'm right or wrong. At 14, aren't you supposed to just want to do about what your friends are doing? You know what I mean? If the friends are all going, oh, you haven't had sex yet? Then you want to have sex. If the friends are saying, oh, this girl had sex, she's a slut, then you're not supposed to want to have sex, right?

10:17 Well, I haven't told my friends because it's like, I want to do it, you know?

10:19 Drew Unless you've been traumatized.

10:21 Adam Yeah.

10:22 Drew Or if you're an alcoholic in evolution.

10:25 Adam All right. What happened after your father passed away? Do you have a stepfather?

10:29 I did, but my mom divorced him a couple years ago.

10:33 Drew Did he do anything to you?

10:35 No.

10:36 Drew Was he an ass?

10:37 Adam Abusive?

10:39 Caller No.

10:41 Adam You a big fan of his, you love him, you're gonna miss him?

10:45 Caller Really? But, like, I guess he just had to leave or something, I don't know.

10:50 Adam All right, Miss Personality, listen, we're gonna let you go. We recommend that you don't have sex for a little while. But do whatever you want. But just listen, don't get pregnant. That's all we care about.

11:02 Drew If the condom fails, morning after pill. All right?

11:06 Adam All right, listen, look, we've talked about 1,000 times. We never met anybody, any girl at least, that was glad she lost her virginity when she did. They'd all like to add a couple years to whatever that time was.

11:20 Drew Especially, especially pre 16, 17.

11:22 Adam Let's talk about 14, yeah. Now here's the thing too, when you have a girl and their dad dies and she's two and she's seen what she's seen, I don't know, maybe she's older at 14 than a lot of people are.

11:36 Drew We would love to believe that as a culture. How about the guys are taught to sort of look at girls like that as in trouble and that they should help them by not engaging? I know it's hard.

11:46 Adam Oh, no way.

11:47 Drew It's tough.

11:50 Adam Yeah. But it's a good time. I'll tell you that right now.

11:52 Drew It takes all kinds too.

11:54 Adam Did I tell you my neighbor came by?

11:55 Drew Ooh, what, give you a Christmas or a Hanukkah gift?

11:59 Adam No, you know, Hanukkah, yeah. You know what I want for the new year? Here's what I want. It's not that I want people to leave other people alone and stop being so goddamn intrusive. I want everyone else to start shutting them down, start abusing them.

12:12 Drew You've been saying that you had that policy going a couple of years ago, you're bringing it back.

12:15 Adam Yeah, I had a nice uncomfortable situation with her. I have this neighbor who's the queen of all koozes. She's this 60-year-old Israeli. I don't know what she is. She's one of those, well, I'll euphemistically call one of the pushier cultures out there, somewhere in the Middle East with the, no, that is not, started by wanting me to paint her fence one day because she said I got something on it and it was just rust dripping down the side. There's been water's been coming down my street for about a week. I was well aware of it. Some kind of water leak up the street from mine following the curve of the house.

12:54 Drew Not you though.

12:54 Adam Had nothing to do with me. Oh Christ, I come home a couple nights ago. No, no, I don't, there's a ring on my buzzer like eight o'clock at night. I'm sitting in there in my towel, hanging down my towel, wife's out, I'm watching TV, just wearing a towel, ringing on the buzzer. Yeah, who is it? Adam, Adam, it's me.

13:14 Drew She has an accent too.

13:15 Adam Oh yeah, horrible accent. Yeah, yeah.

13:18 Drew She came all the way up the stairs.

13:19 Adam Oh hell yeah. What do you need? The water, you see the water is coming from your house? No, no it's not. Now it's coming from the, no, I show you. That's the other thing too, like what is that impulse?

13:33 Drew Yeah, when you say it's not, yeah, yeah, I do it.

13:35 Adam That impulse, no, no, I show you. It's not, it's coming from the street. No, no, come here, no, come on, let me in the show. Hold on, let me get my shoes on, you know, I could get dressed now. She's hobbling up the stairs with her flashlight. We're walking around the back of the, no, no, look at this. Yeah, yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh. Walk all the way around the house. Look over the wall, yeah, see? There it is. This is not from your, it's not from your, no, it's not. By the way, if I'm 1,000 times smarter than you, don't you think I know these kinds of things? Don't you think I noticed the stuff? Don't you think I would know if I had no water pressure or my water or my meter was spinning around like in those airplane movies when the plane's plummeting for the ground and the altimeter's just spinning around? Yeah, now, I would know this, and it's not. It's coming from the street, called the DWP. Well, let me show you what is happening at the by. Oh, no, no, no, come on, come on. Listen, I've seen it. It's coming. Oh, come on, no.

14:40 Drew Like you're gonna take responsibility if you see it.

14:43 Adam Listen, I've seen what's going on on the street. I know what's going on. The water's going around and it's coming down. It's going by my house. It's going by your house. No, come on, I show you. I show you, come on, come on. It's like the steam's coming out of my mouth. It's 830 at night. It's Friday night. I'm hobbling down the stairs. I see it now, yeah. So yes, this is coming. Yeah, yeah, is it? Yeah, okay, fine. I look, call the DWP. I don't know, what is your water? The water mains in front. It's fine, the pressure's, okay, fine. Come home last night.

15:15 Drew Oh no, what?

15:16 Adam Seven o'clock at night.

15:17 Drew It's not over with that?

15:18 Adam Oh, you're kidding. Come home at like seven o'clock. This is about three or four days ago. And I come home last night. It's about seven o'clock. There she is out front with the flashlight. Now she's got the poor DWP guy. Oh, and the DWP guy. Now, I always feel like pulling whoever's over their side. Like one time she was trying to sell her house and there was this perky little realtor over there who was over there. She's putting up balloons and stuff. I walked over there. She's like, hi, wait. I said, she selling the house? No, she's not. No, she's great. Is she a great lady? Yeah, she's a bitch. No, she's not. She's great. You know, the realtors have that smile pasted onto their face. No, it's good. I said, listen, you're going to waste a thousand Sundays over here and then at the end of the day, you're not going to do anything. And that's it. You're driving around with the cars with the stakes and the signs and the balloons. And every Sunday you're going to, you get nothing. And she's like, no, she's great. All right, let's see. She's still there. Six months later. Oh no, that was, yeah. That was four years ago. Four years ago. Yeah, house still there. Of course, realtors spent 72 Sundays in a row doing nothing. And listen, I just want these people out and here's what I want. We're never going to get these people to shut up.

16:24 Drew Yeah. Until somebody shuts them, tells them.

16:27 Adam It's not like we can talk to these people because these people aren't sane. You understand?

16:32 Drew Right.

16:33 Adam It's not like someone's going to talk to them. Someone says, go, shut up, get in the house and shut up. Just get out of my face. So last night I come pulling up, she's out front with the DWP guy and I'm like, oh, holy Christ, I'm trying to crawl out through the goddamn exhaust pipe of the car. No. She's running this guy ragged, and he's running all over the place. And I open the car door, start scrambling, like Vietnam style on my elbows, up to the stairs. Adam, Adam, I'm coming in, look at this. Hey, it is, oh, Jesus mother effer. He says it is coming from your air conditioner.

17:12 Drew Oh my God.

17:13 Adam He doesn't say that. No, look, I show him, we have to look. No, listen, now the DWP guy stand there. Yeah, it's coming from up the hill, so we should, she says that we could, we should, no, no, no, listen to me. It's not coming from my house, it's coming from, yeah, I know, but I've looked all over and I can't find it and I just gotta go up there. I said, listen to me, it's not coming from my house. And no, it's just the air condition. Okay, be quiet, don't, no. So, okay, so I go, and that's not from my house. That's it, I go up the house, I get in there. As soon as my ass hits the sofa, there's the, it's raining, naturally, it's raining down. I put my head out the window, there's the DWP, a tall guy, so I can see his head sort of poking up over the fence. What do you want? I gotta come up and check that. Yeah, you gotta check, you gotta check or that cow has made you check. She was standing by the window. But I couldn't see her head. Oh no. And here's the thing with me, once I get pissed, I'm pissed, I'm yelling down the stairs. I'm like, get, okay. She comes up. I got like a fountain in the back of my house. It dried up for like 20 years. It is the van. No, it's not. He's right now. I said, look, go look around. I'm going in the house. Just do what you gotta do. I'm going in the house. Course 10 minutes later, on the back door.

18:38 Caller Look, did the, shut up.

18:41 Adam Bitch.

18:42 Drew Was there anything?

18:43 Adam No, there's nothing. And the guy goes and she's tugging on, you know, he's saying, well, we're gonna have to send a crew back. Well, what did you check? And I'm just thinking this poor guy was about to put a gun in his mouth, you know, because he doesn't know. He's gotta be nice. And I'm just thinking, look, here's what we need to do with these people. We need to contain them. You understand? It's our job because they'll run rough shot over everyone they know. They'll be buzzing you. They'll be calling you. They'll be coming over. They'll be making demands.

19:11 Drew It's the same person that's suing everybody.

19:13 Adam It's the same person that's suing everybody.

19:14 Drew It needs to be contained. Not rights protected.

19:17 Adam Right, no, contained. Yes, we don't need to protect these people. They're not goddamn California condors.

19:24 Drew That's right.

19:25 Adam Jesus Christ.

19:26 Drew And they're happier when they're contained, by the way.

19:28 Adam I don't give a ass what they are when they are. My whole feeling is they deserve the worst we have to offer. The worst. And be prepared. They're gonna think you're a horrible person. She's gonna think she's living next to an evil, mean prima donna. F her. Jesus Christ.

19:47 Drew I've got one next door, too.

19:49 Adam Oh, listen. Can we start a goddamn neighborhood of pain in the ass people and they can all just live together? We'll call it pain in the assville. And all you crazy koozes and complainers and all you sea suckers and all you people who go on walks up the street and then act like when someone drives by in their car like some maniac just escaped from the mental institution, has commandeered a van, you know, oh my god, all you people, all you heinous, horrible people just all live in the same crap-filled neighborhood and see what it feels like living next door to an A-hole. Jesus Christ. Nothing but pains in the goddamn ass. That's some other guy at the other house coming up the hill today, one that's thinking I dumped a bunch of stuff, complaining we dumped stuff in front of his house, which we never did. The cops like came over and stuff. Oh my god. Oh, that hell is wrong. That Adam's cops show up once because phone lines got crossed and neighbors, I called the cops and said that because of, I just, what's wrong with it? Here's what I say, my whole life I've never called the cops. Whole goddamn life I've never called the cops. What's wrong with you people? Just start putting bullets in your own head. Leave the same people alone. Jesus Christ.

21:06 Drew And leave the police alone.

21:07 Adam Throw a goddamn New Year's Eve party two years ago. Cops showed up three times. One time they showed up at 9.45. Merry Christmas. Jesus Christ. Don't get me started Anderson. I'm fired up, but Anderson, surely you can agree with me on this. Let's get all the a-holes and put them in the same group and let them all drive each other insane, calling the cops on each other, complaining, Trumping stuff up.

21:31 Drew A healthier way to deal with them. Containing is good, but just ignoring. Good bullet in the head. I thought that's why you lived up there.

21:37 Adam What's that?

21:38 I thought that's why you lived up there.

21:39 I didn't think people would be like that up there.

21:41 Adam No, this coos. No, listen, you can't ignore them when they're calling the cops. You can't ignore them when you're walking up your stairs and they're costing you with the guy from the DWP, telling them stories about where it's coming from. You can't do it.

21:57 Drew Did you straighten her out at the end?

21:58 Adam I just tell her, get out of here.

22:00 Did she really give you a gift?

22:01 Caller Who? Gift?

22:02 Adam No, she didn't give me anything. And listen, I don't care if she's, I hope she's listening so she can leave me the hell alone. Jesus Christ, what's wrong with everybody? Please have some goddamn dignity. All right, Drew, where are we doing?

22:17 Drew We're going to break. We're doing a radio show. Radio show.

22:21 Adam I take some calls.

22:22 Drew We were on the phone, I thought for a second, I realized we were doing a radio show.

22:24 Adam We're going to take some calls.

22:25 Drew Yeah, but after the break.

22:27 Adam All right, after this.

22:28 Hello, this is your radio.

22:47 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew.

22:49 Drew Does it feel good, Adam, to hand out gifts your wife purchased?

22:53 Adam No, I purchased them.

22:54 Drew Mm-hmm. No.

22:55 Adam My assistant did.

22:56 Drew It was what I'm talking about.

22:58 Adam Well, I told her to.

22:59 Drew It's good, it's good.

23:00 Adam Told her what to get.

23:01 Drew That's good.

23:02 Adam Let me tell you, everybody, people, you know, they go like, oh, you have an assistant, everybody wants it, it's so easy to do that. Everyone does that. Oh, your assistant, let me tell you something, my assistant, she's just a tool in the hands of a sculptor. She's a chisel and a mallet in the hands of the sculptor. She don't know what to buy. She can be spending my money and getting stuff. I gotta tell her, get this person that, get that person this. Get yourself something too. You know, it was sweet. I was like, let's give my assistant 400 bucks. I'm gonna give her. Now, let me tell you something. That ain't that much in the assistant realm. But I've only had her for a couple of months and I don't ask her to do very much. We don't hang too often. But here's the thing. So I had, she was leaving, I was leaving, I saw her last Friday. I was gonna give her 400 bucks, had 400 bucks cash and this card thing for her. And so I was like, all right, well, I had 20 bucks left for me and my wallet. And she's like, okay, well, you gotta reimburse me though, because I had to buy a bunch of stuff and I didn't buy it on a credit card and it came to like three hundred and seventy two dollars. And I'm like, oh, because I just went and maxed out my ATM with your 400. I think I got 20 on me. So I was like, okay, so here's the three seventy two. And then your bonus is now down to a twenty six dollars down, but I don't have any more money and I can't get out of ATM. So when you get back in town, I'll catch you. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You won't forget. I won't forget. Jessica. You're 19. What's up?

24:45 Caller Um, I'm dating this guy that's in the army and he was shot in Iraq. And actually, I just met him. So I didn't know that he was shot until I went down there to look and down there to look. Well, you know, to have oral sex with him. And he was shot there and it's like hard for him to stay wrecked.

25:13 Adam He was shot in the penis.

25:17 Caller Like near it. Not like it wasn't blown off or anything. Just near it was shot.

25:22 Drew Did you see the bullet wound?

25:23 Caller Yeah.

25:25 Adam Where? Hold on a second. By the way, the other story is like he was shot down there. And then when I went down to perform oral, that's when I saw he got shot in the penis.

25:38 Drew Yeah. You would get really confused to ask her what he did in Iraq. What he did for the army.

25:41 Adam He got shot in the heel. Yeah. Jessica. Yeah. What did he do in the army?

25:49 Caller He was a scout.

25:51 Adam Oh, really? Nice. I was a wee below in the army. And where was he shot?

25:58 Caller Like he was shot twice. He was shot in the leg, in the left leg, in the artery. And I knew about that one, but then when, like, we were going to have oral effects.

26:08 Adam Please tell me where he was shot.

26:10 Caller Yeah.

26:11 Adam Where? Where? Please.

26:12 Caller Like near his area, in the pelvis.

26:16 Drew In the abdomen?

26:17 Caller No, lower.

26:19 Drew In the hip?

26:20 Caller No, like near his area.

26:24 Drew Lower abdomen?

26:25 Adam In the pubic region? Just in the lower abdomen?

26:32 Drew Did he have to have an operation for that? Did he perfect any bowel or anything?

26:37 Did he what?

26:38 Drew Did he have any bowel? You won't know. Any bowel need to be repaired or anything like that?

26:42 Caller I have no idea.

26:44 Drew So you don't know what the injuries were that he suffered?

26:46 Adam By the way, just saying the guy got shot in the waist, I think, would about cover it.

26:50 Drew The pelvis, yeah.

26:52 Adam Saying it's near his thingy, it's near his thingy. It sounds like it's off to the side.

27:00 Caller I mean. I don't know, because I love sex and it's hard for him to stay erect.

27:05 Drew Is he on medication?

27:06 Adam Because he got shot near the thingy.

27:08 Drew What medication is he on?

27:10 Caller I have no idea, like painkillers.

27:12 Drew All right, well, that's why he can't stay erect.

27:15 Caller Oh.

27:15 Drew That has nothing to do with the shot, the gunshot.

27:17 Adam Who shot him?

27:19 Caller An Iraqi.

27:20 Adam Yeah, there you go.

27:22 Caller He was shot near Baghdad.

27:23 Adam I thought it was a Swede. And near Baghdad. Near Baghdad, all right, but he's OK now.

27:29 Caller Yeah, he's fine.

27:30 Drew Yeah, the painkillers, though, not a great sign. Shouldn't be on painkillers more than a couple weeks after the surgery.

27:36 Adam Well, he got shot twice. How long ago did this happen?

27:39 Caller He was shot in March.

27:41 Drew You see what I'm saying?

27:42 Caller But he came back in August. How'd you meet him?

27:46 Drew How'd you meet him?

27:47 Caller Through friends.

27:48 Through friends.

27:49 Adam What's he doing now? Can he, can he, is he, get around okay?

27:53 Caller He had to go back to Fort Benning where he's stationed.

27:56 Adam Uh-huh.

27:58 Caller But he's down here for Christmas right now.

28:00 Adam Yeah, get down.

28:01 Caller So that's when the...

28:03 Drew I'm gonna skip his pain meds. That's why he's having trouble.

28:05 Caller Oh, okay.

28:07 Adam All right, baby. You nurse him back to health.

28:09 Caller I am going to. I promise.

28:11 Yeah.

28:14 Adam You're doing your part for the country.

28:16 Caller Oh, I am.

28:21 Adam It's like Ruth Buzzi blowing you.

28:26 Drew I know it's a, Carol, what, Worley? Joanne Worley.

28:29 Adam Yeah, Joanne Worley. Oh my God. Yeah, Phyllis Stiller. Holy Christ. All right, well, good times. And listen, everybody, really, if the guy was shot in the waist area, please, just say it, don't start laughing until he was shot. It's going to be humiliating for the poor guy. I was just assuming he took one right in the urethra.

28:52 Drew Yeah, I got the testy knocked off or something, or mangled, something disfiguring.

28:55 Adam Yeah, it sounds like he was just sort of shot around the waistline, off to the side. Diana? You're 20?

29:03 Drew It's amazing, hang on a second, Diana, you know, the kinds of fire that was cruising around in Iraq, you wouldn't think the caliber of stuff you get shot with, you get shot twice, just kind of having our operation be okay. You'd think it'd tear your waist off, you know what I mean?

29:17 Adam Yeah, well, I do know.

29:18 Drew That's small caliber stuff, right?

29:21 Adam Well, there was a, I don't know, I mean, they're firing AK-47s, I guess. I don't know what the caliber of them are, but I know there was a certain, there was a plan at a certain point, which was to injure and, you know, get the casualties. And what I'm saying is, is get the injuries rather than the deaths out of the battlefield.

29:42 Drew So the press gets better?

29:44 Adam No, no, just smaller caliber, more bullets in the air, injuring people and getting them out of the game. I see. See what I'm saying? If you think about it, you know, you're firing a musket ball and you're killing a guy, but you'd rather fire a thousand bullets and hit a bunch of guys in the shoulder and just get them, get people carting them out, spending resources on them, dragging them around, getting them out. If you think about it. Diana?

30:12 Caller Hi.

30:12 Drew She's there, she's there. Diana?

30:14 Caller First off, I wanted to say thank you because I called about a month ago and I asked how I could get my boyfriend to go down on me more often and your advice didn't really help because you told me that he was stupid and I should leave him and that whole bunch of other stuff, but when I told him that I called you guys, ever since then, he goes down on me all the time.

30:36 Adam Yeah.

30:37 Drew So here's the intervention, just calling the show.

30:40 Caller That after he does, I get itchy.

30:42 Mm-hmm.

30:43 Drew Maybe he had herpes, that's why he didn't want to go down.

30:47 Adam Maybe he had crabs in his beard.

30:49 Caller No. He doesn't have a beard. But it's just like, I don't-

30:56 Adam Who cares? I don't like her. Screw you. I don't need to talk to you.

31:03 Drew She's a Corolla neighbor in training?

31:05 Adam Eh, I just had an asshole on her.

31:08 Drew Yeah, listen, there's nothing much we can say anyway, which is you got a pelvic exam, you need to get cultured, you need to be examined, you need to see if there's some infection there, it may just be, who knows what, some reaction to somebody's, it could be allergic reaction inside his mouth.

31:22 Adam I got no answer.

31:23 Drew No.

31:24 Adam But if you take a guy, if you take that skin down there, which has got to be supple on a lady, you take a guy, especially if he's got some whiskers on his chin, I don't mean a beard, but I just mean, you know, and shaved immediately. Before that, you get him jostling around down there for half an hour, you're going to get some irritation.

31:42 Drew You touch that or you get a yeast infection.

31:45 Adam Butterfly lands on the coos. Pow. Thank you. I don't know why I just hadn't asked. I just tired of Diana. Not tired. You guys, hell, I want to thank you for helping me, but I didn't take your advice. And then they start making these noises where you start saying stuff like, well, maybe. Well, it could be pot. I don't know why I just don't. There's some people I don't want to talk to. Dave? Dave? Hello. Phone's cutting out a lot tonight. You notice that?

32:18 Drew It's this week.

32:19 Adam Yeah, but tonight, long.

32:21 Drew Yeah, long pauses.

32:21 Long.

32:22 Drew There he is.

32:23 Hello?

32:23 Adam Dave, you're 27. Good, what's up?

32:26 Caller Well, first I want to start off by saying I have one of the exact same a-hole neighbors.

32:30 Yeah.

32:31 Caller And I cannot handle it.

32:33 Adam Can't we just put them together so they can sort of, here's what it is, like one a-hole can pollute like a seven block area.

32:41 Caller Right.

32:41 Adam You know what I mean? Can't these, these people need to know what it's like to live next to them.

32:47 Caller Oh man.

32:48 Adam That's the ultimate punishment. Let them experience them for a while. Yeah.

32:56 Drew You need sort of a daisy chain too, of each one being slightly worse than the other.

33:00 Adam Yeah.

33:00 Drew So.

33:01 Adam As you get deeper in the neighborhood. Yeah. You let them experience throwing a New Year's party with a bunch of people in black tie and having the cops show up at 9.45, which meant they were called about 9.10. Bunch of people, not even drunk, DJ not even playing yet, just entering. It wasn't a dinner party. People are showing up at nine. People walking in in tuxedos and evening gowns and the cops are showing up.

33:28 Drew Are you having a New Year's party this year?

33:29 Adam No. But.

33:31 Caller My neighbor's called the cops on me for having my truck blocking their driveway. I don't even own a truck.

33:36 Adam Yeah. Yeah. I love that. I just, I love these, these sea suckers who look at the cops as their sort of personal force. I'm just gonna call. And by the way, they call the cops later on the same night. They showed up later on the same night.

33:50 Caller Oh yeah, I wouldn't even call the cops anyway. Just want to ask them and say, is this your truck, can you move it?

33:55 Adam Yeah, listen, listen, here's all I want and how come nobody ever talks about this? I want to keep track of people that call the cops for what I would consider frivolous things. By the way, isn't that as big an infraction as going 68 miles an hour in a 65 zone?

34:16 Drew Well listen, they were, remember they were gonna get rid of police calls for shop alarms because there's so many false alarms.

34:23 Adam Right, false alarms so the cops will no longer respond to your shop because there's too many false alarms going on.

34:29 Drew Same idea.

34:29 Adam How about the jack-off neighbor who's calling the cops because the car's parked in front of, I had the cops show up at the house because the phone lines got crossed when I was working on something. I had the cops show up at nine o'clock for New Year's celebration. How about they investigate these things and it's easy. If it's considered frivolous, you're paying. And the next time before you pick up the phone, you old hag, you'll think for a second because it might cost you 375 bucks. And by the way, or more, I don't know what it costs to have two cops and a cruiser come over to your house. You know what I mean?

35:04 Drew That philosophy or that procedure is what needs to be in place for all things. Basically is you need to be responsible for what you do. You sue somebody, it's frivolous, you pay. You call the cops frivolously, they decide that, you pay. That's the only way to change people's behavior.

35:22 Adam Thank you.

35:24 Drew No, they'll, no, no, no. No, no, they'll understand when you fool.

35:29 Adam Hold on, speaking of stupid, Dave.

35:33 Drew Whatever.

35:33 Adam Thank you for your retarded counterpoint, but listen, stupid people don't do things that cost them 375 bucks a pop if they got burnt last time. I don't care how stupid you are, if you pick up the phone and call the cops on your neighbor who's throwing a calm party and the cops show up and find nothing wrong and charge you 375 bucks, I don't care how dumb you are, you're not gonna pick up the phone next time.

35:58 Drew What feels dumb is you can't reason with them.

36:00 Adam Right.

36:00 Drew And that's what feels dumb, but you shouldn't reason because you're right, you can't.

36:04 Adam No, but they understand the financial part.

36:06 Drew They understand Behave Mod.

36:07 Adam I got no problem with that. And you know, the posties out there would argue, well, if you institute things like that, then people will be reluctant to pick up the phone and call the cut.

36:20 Drew And Adam, it's a slippery slope. It's a slippery slope.

36:22 Adam Yeah, they see somebody being murdered with a chainsaw in the front line.

36:24 Drew No, they wouldn't call him.

36:25 Adam No, they're scared. It could cost them $375.

36:28 Drew Slippery slope, slippery slope. Let's go to Bray.

36:31 Adam I was thinking of talking to Dave, but I'm not, the phone seems to be cutting in and out.

36:35 Drew It's hard to talk to him.

36:36 Adam And then when we do get to him.

36:37 Drew He's so enthusiastic, so let's get a talk to him.

36:40 Adam Well, who's he talking to? Is he talking to us?

36:42 Caller Yeah.

36:42 Adam Dave?

36:43 Caller Yeah.

36:44 Adam All right.

36:44 Caller So I yelled the dog, the dog came running in.

36:48 Adam What's up?

36:50 Caller Oh, nothing. When I have sex with my girlfriend, I can get her off, but I cannot get off. It doesn't seem, how long it takes, I just can't seem to get off.

37:00 Drew During intercourse?

37:01 Caller Yes.

37:02 Drew How about oral sex?

37:03 Caller It works then.

37:05 Drew No problem then.

37:06 Adam So for you, for you it works, you mean?

37:09 Caller Right. Right, okay.

37:12 Adam Yeah.

37:13 Drew It's a rare breed but.

37:14 Caller Past girlfriends I've been able to get off.

37:15 Adam Oh I mean, yeah. What's that?

37:17 Caller My past girlfriends I've always been able to get off and everything, it's been, I mean I don't understand it.

37:22 Drew Well help us, what is it about this one?

37:25 Caller Nothing, everything is great, I mean it's great sex.

37:28 Drew Is there anything about you, are you on medication, you doing drugs, anything else going on now that might make you different?

37:36 Caller Not different, I smoke a little weed, you know, I smoke with other girls too.

37:42 Drew That will, but that catches as a cumulative effect, that will catch up with you.

37:45 Adam How much is a little Dave, because you can't spare too many brain cells.

37:50 Caller Depends on how much is a lot.

37:52 Drew Two bowls a day?

37:53 Caller Probably like four bowls.

37:56 Adam Yeah, hey Dave, four a day. Dave listen to me buddy.

38:00 Caller It's just at night though, you know, lying down.

38:02 Drew Oh, then it doesn't matter and then I take it all back. Just at night, the brain is completely free of any toxic activity, anything damaging the brain.

38:09 Adam Well, you got your nighttime brain. That's not the good one.

38:12 Drew That's a different brain.

38:12 Adam That's your junker. That's like your parts car.

38:14 Drew Yeah, of course.

38:15 Adam Yeah, it's like that old truck you use just going to parts run. The real brain is in the garage with a cover on it.

38:19 Drew That's right.

38:20 Adam Okay, let me make this, and listen, listen, everybody. I've never spoken to any of you before in my life, so I have nothing against or for any of you, but here's the deal. Dave is a little bit scattered, talking to him is like playing a handball against the curtains a little bit, and he's not totally gone, but he is a guy who a couple more years of the four four loads a night, and it's going to be difficult to communicate with Dave. Yeah.

38:49 Drew And he will not be getting any boners.

38:51 Adam And he may not be getting any boners. And I know everyone is like, no, you don't know, or that's me, or you don't know me, or whatever. No, I don't know you. That's the point. That's the point. That's why this is pure.

39:00 Drew That's why it can be objective.

39:01 Adam It is the best. Dave, the pod ain't helping you. So you may want to reel it in a little. Go to the booze, like me. That makes you sharp. We'll take a quick break.

39:11 Drew Loose anyway.

39:12 Adam We'll be right back. Phone number for Loveline. 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, I'm Adam Carolla. That is Dr. Drew.

39:40 Drew We burned Anderson's ears there in a little flurry of anger.

39:43 Adam Yeah, yeah. Where do you get, oh, well, I was gonna say to Anderson, where do you get neighbors? I got a lot of neighbors. Yeah.

39:52 Drew Yeah, they're all your age.

39:54 Adam Yeah. Yeah, they what? Crazy Indian neighbors. Oh, really? Crazy Mexican neighbors. Yeah. I like the Mexicans, though. Here's the thing about the Mexicans. They keep to themselves. They got kids that don't. All right. Well, the kids don't. But the Mexicans, they keep to themselves. Once a year they get completely blasted. You find them on your lawn. But that's once a year. The rest of the time, they're quiet. They keep to themselves. Is that the 5th of May? That's what I like. Yeah. Cinco de Mayo. You find them on your lawn. But that's it. The rest of the time, that's what I like. I like a nice, quiet culture. The Mexicans are that way. The Japanese are that way. Yeah, they're in there getting drunk. They don't got time for you.

40:35 Caller Hey, Lauren just showed up and she gave me your gifts.

40:37 Thank you very much, Corolla.

40:39 Adam Oh, no thank you, buddy.

40:40 Caller If I didn't know any better, I think you're trying to kill me. A bottle of booze and a carton of smokes.

40:46 Adam Nothing wrong with that. It's a little holiday tradition.

40:49 And Jordan, thank you very much too. I was writing you a formal email before everything hits a fan over here. It's all good. Thank you very much. I can use all that stuff. Our pleasure.

40:58 Adam What'd you get him?

40:59 He doesn't know.

41:00 Adam Oh, he doesn't know. His wife did it.

41:02 Drew Yeah.

41:03 Adam Yeah. That is, it is tough when you, I actually did know what everybody got.

41:07 Drew And then I just completely like, Yeah. I just told, I just wrapped them like, okay, now what?

41:12 Adam I just told my assistant, look, go out. She read me about a thousand names. And I was like, I can get to get them a bottle of wine, get them a gift certificate, get them this. And then you run into, you run into the person like, thank you so much. It was so thoughtful. And you're like, oh, I hope you liked it or them or those. And they're like, yeah, it's great. And then you can tell in the middle of it, they start figuring out that someone else must've done it in your name.

41:39 Drew But it's not, it's not even when you did it.

41:41 Adam Oh, even if, yeah, even when you did do it, you forget about it. Yeah, let me tell you, let me tell you a cool thing to do.

41:46 Drew I can't remember what I got my kids now. What's a cool thing to do?

41:49 Adam Throw a Christmas party where everyone brings all the gifts over to your house and then opens them up for everybody. You'll get a bunch of stuff left behind. Stuff gets left, stuff gets forgotten about.

41:59 Drew You mean do like a one person exchange kind of thing?

42:01 Adam Yeah, everybody do that. You want to hear, all right, we got to move on, but let me just tell you this. You know, once in a while, I like to think back about the past, you know, that's how we keep it real. That's how I appreciate it.

42:12 Drew So we're having a retrospective on the year, talking about the important moments of 2003.

42:17 Adam I was thinking back-

42:18 Drew 2003 was not a great year, really. Was it good for you?

42:20 Adam That's not what I'm talking about. That was decent.

42:22 Drew It just sort of came and went.

42:25 Adam I was thinking about the Corollas and what the exquisite losers they are and were.

42:30 Drew And- Something you think and speak of often.

42:31 Adam Oh, have I brought that up? And I was thinking about Christmas time and how we used to go to-

42:37 Drew The tree. The bow of a tree.

42:40 Adam Oh, no, well there was the year that my mom cut down a branch from a pine tree and leaned it against the wall as the Christmas tree because it's too big a loser to get a Christmas tree. But that's, by the way, that's a notch down. That's a step down from Charlie Brown.

42:58 Drew Yeah.

42:58 Adam Charlie Brown had a wimpy tree, but he had a tree.

43:00 Drew Yeah.

43:01 Adam This was a branch. It was flat. A branch from a pine tree? Flat. You just lean it.

43:07 Drew With foil that you actually strip yourself with a pair of scissors.

43:10 Adam I kill myself. All right, here's the point. We would go over to these step aunt or uncle's houses from Hungary, God knows the chick was an alcoholic the guy was like a probation officer used to yell at everybody was a great, great and horrible scene. The grownups would have a grab bag was a big grab. Everyone would bring a gift of a certain amount. Everyone would get in a circle, draw names. It was a big excitement of the night, right? Grab bag gifts with the Corolla and the family. My dad one year drew the great, you know, we draw a number. It was your turn. You'd grab it.

43:45 Caller You'd shake it. You'd look around.

43:46 Adam Shrimp Devaner as a gift. Shrimp, Shrimp Devaner.

43:52 Drew That sounds like something Corolla's frequently would use too. Forget the fact that it's just an elegant gift. Elegant.

43:58 Adam I didn't know you could eat shrimp. I thought it was in my thirties. Shrimp Devaner is a thing. Basically it has the equivalent value of one side of a corn cob prick.

44:11 Drew Yeah.

44:12 Adam You know what I mean?

44:13 Drew Corn cob holder.

44:14 Adam Yeah, those corn handles, same material, same value as one. It's a little plastic shrimp on a weird hook thing to pull the veins out of shrimp. It had to cost somebody like $1.29 or something. If they got that gift in a grab bag, you understand I would dive across the table and stab the person with it in the neck.

44:39 Drew I heard the stories about the Corollas for many, many years now, but I have only in the last couple of months begun to appreciate the spectacular creativity with which they acted out their bizarre deprivation. It is tantalizing, Adam.

44:54 Adam We didn't buy this, you understand. This is the group we swung with. Now, no, Lord knows my dad. Oh, now my dad probably splurged and bought something like a palm comb. One of those things you get to see at the barber shop on the display, you know, you put it in your palm. It's like a brush. Yeah, he probably splurged for something like that. And one of our other cheap family members went ahead and got to Shrimp D'Veiner. These are 40 something year old adults.

45:24 Caller Can you believe that?

45:26 Adam Oh, Jennifer? You're 24? What's up, baby doll?

45:34 Caller I wanna know if it's possible to be pregnant even though I've had urine test come up negative.

45:40 Drew Not likely, not likely. How long was, with Polycystic Ovarian Disease?

45:47 Caller For years.

45:48 Drew How likely, how far into the pregnancy are you allegedly?

45:51 Caller I would think I was like two to three months.

45:54 Drew No.

45:55 Caller That's not regular, I wanna know.

45:57 Drew No, you're not pregnant. That's it.

45:59 Caller My doctor like laughed at me, so I didn't know.

46:02 Adam That's good.

46:02 Drew That's why he laughed at you.

46:03 Adam You can use the Shrimp D'Veiner for an abortion too.

46:06 Drew Yeah, you have to reach, you have to reach with the Shrimp D'Veiner.

46:10 Adam It's about an inch and a quarter long.

46:12 Drew Or a shell at three bucks for an attachment, which would never happen.

46:15 Caller No.

46:16 Caller Ooh.

46:17 Adam What's the matter, baby? Are you nutty?

46:19 Caller No, not at all.

46:21 Adam You doing okay?

46:23 Caller Yeah. I just, my doctor laughed at me, so it made me uncomfortable and.

46:28 Adam He didn't laugh at you.

46:31 Drew He was laughing with you.

46:32 Adam He was laughing with you, because you laugh when you get nervous.

46:34 Caller Yeah.

46:34 Caller All right, baby.

46:36 Adam You have yourself a good Christmas. Good times. We gotta take a little break here. Shrimp DeVayner, Drew.

46:43 Drew Yeah, yeah. I'm feeling nauseated.

46:45 Adam 44-year-old people getting into a Shrimp DeVayner.

46:47 Drew Hideous.

46:47 Adam All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

46:50 Alright guys, here's the deal. You're looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

46:55 Caller One call is all you need to make.

46:57 Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE.

47:00 Caller Call the Dateline.

47:28 Adam Hey everybody, it's Love Line. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. All right, you ready to rock here, Drew?

47:38 Drew No, I'm reading.

47:40 Adam I brought some car literature in, and Drew's got a nice big boner over the whole thing. We're going to the car show this year.

47:46 Drew Yeah.

47:47 Adam Yeah. Look out, buddy. Nothing like that car show. Nothing like that car show. Get to walk around, go to all the boos, see all the little kids sitting in the car while you're waiting in line. Nothing worse than you're looking at a car you're thinking about buying, and there's six people in front of you all under the age of 14, or camped in the car making the car running noise. And you're thinking, I'm thinking about partying with 45 grand to buy this car, and there's kids sitting in there.

48:20 Drew Yeah, but in your mind, you're thinking the same thing as that kid.

48:22 Adam I'm thinking, errrr! Yeah, I am, but I think get your ass out of the car. You ain't buying it. That's right, Drew. All right, and I always like the salespeople, too. How many horsepower is this car have? Oh, it's Pepe. Yeah, but how many horsepower? Let me check on that. Is this a, it comes in a straight, a four and a V6? I'm gonna need to check on that. What's the difference between the S and the LE model? Okay, let me check on that, too. What's your name? I'm gonna need to check on that. I'll get back on you. What's the last, you circumcised? I'm gonna need, let me get back. Give me a second. Let me go, let's see if our manager's here. I'm gonna check on that. I got some, let me pull some literature on my pre-PS. I'll check on that. What's your mom's name? Let me check on that. What's the last time you beat off? Let me go back. I'm gonna check on that. It's always funny when other people manning. Let me check on that. I do like the chicks who stand on the spinning thing.

49:18 Drew We didn't see many of those last time.

49:19 Adam Oh yeah, they don't do, well, they don't, we go on the preview night, so they don't have enough of that. Yeah, that's a starter button.

49:27 No.

49:27 Adam Yeah.

49:28 Oh my God.

49:29 Adam Drew's got a boner. Look at him. Look at him, he loves those. He's looking at Aston Martins, everybody.

49:37 Drew Nellie? Oh my God.

49:40 Adam Hey, you're 27.

49:42 Caller Yep, I have a quick question for you guys. Recently I just found out my fiance has a fetish regarding diapers. Is that something I need to be concerned about?

49:53 Drew I'm not sure, you'd like this to be a quick question, but I'm not sure this is gonna be a quick one.

49:56 Adam This is what you call, now it's what I call a deal breaker. Yeah.

50:04 Drew How's the guy's functioning in the relationship otherwise?

50:06 Adam That's great.

50:08 Drew Hold on. He's great.

50:12 Caller Yeah.

50:12 Drew What's he do for a living?

50:14 Caller He works on machines.

50:17 Drew Works on machines.

50:18 Adam What kind of machines?

50:19 Caller Fixing them. Production machines.

50:22 Drew Like heavy machinery.

50:23 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

50:27 Adam What, now how does the diaper fetish manifest itself?

50:31 Caller He just brought it up and told me. It's something he's embarrassed about. I mean, he's not proud of it.

50:35 Drew Yeah, well, all fetishes make people feel ashamed.

50:38 Adam Well, I know, because it all involves like having a lollipop put up your ass. And it's, you know, there was like, my fetish is saving animals. No, so I want to know how it manifests itself, meaning what does he need to do with it? And how does that involve you and your relationship? And why does this goddamn phone cut off every 35 seconds?

51:05 Caller Honest, I'm trying to think how it got brought up.

51:06 Drew All right, now what does he want you to do?

51:09 Caller Well, I mean, he's, I mean, he has some of the like plastic outside diapers and stuff. And one time he asked me to put it on. He's like, would you wear this?

51:18 Drew He wants you to wear it. Well, that's interesting. Usually it's the guy putting it on.

51:23 Adam And here's the thing, by the way, when the fetish gets, when people go, look, I gotta come clean about something. I want to be honest with you. The only reason they do that is to try to get you into the diaper.

51:35 Drew Right. Otherwise, if they didn't need you, They wouldn't, yeah.

51:38 Adam They just keep going underground.

51:40 Drew Right, right.

51:41 Caller Yeah.

51:42 Adam So he wants you to put a diaper on?

51:44 Caller Well, just the plastic outside part. It's not that that's any better, but.

51:49 Adam Well, it's marginal.

51:51 Drew The cloth is a little nicer, come on.

51:53 Adam Okay, well, here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's what I'm saying. I'm putting Nellie on hold for Sam because the phone's cutting in and out to try me nuts. This is why I have to tell personal stories all night, every night. But here's what I want to say, Drew.

52:06 Caller Yeah.

52:08 Adam Okay, so maybe it's not a deal breaker in the sense that, well, this is what goes on in the bedroom behind closed doors. First off, aren't you sitting at dinner with this guy when you guys are out and he's having a, you know, we're going out to dinner with the boss and his wife. The idea that you're just thinking about the diaper each time you're sitting across the table from this guy. You know what I'm saying? Just thinking, this guy, I know he's thinking about the diaper now and the boss is saying, you know, Johnson over here is a good, solid man. We're thinking about moving him up to assembly. And of course that means a substantial, you're just thinking diaper, diaper, diaper. You're picturing him like crapping on some, on the sports page and then crying and masturbating, you know? I mean, like, isn't that just, isn't it just weird just to know something weird about somebody?

52:53 Drew Yeah, it is. And as we know, well, it doesn't exist as an isolated phenomenon.

52:58 Adam No.

52:58 Drew It's a piece of him that is isolated from the rest, but it's still a piece of him.

53:04 Adam And it's like, look, the guys at work never have to worry about it because they're not effing him. But if you're effing this guy, eventually it's gonna start getting woven into the fabric, which is possibly a huggie blanket.

53:18 Drew Yeah, it also suggests some trauma history. Yeah.

53:23 Adam Okay, so here's the question. What do you do? You don't dump the guy straight away, but do you keep it in check?

53:28 Drew Yes. You don't let it spiral out of control, or as Adam said, it will be the sports page and crapping and masturbating.

53:35 Adam Nellie? So, so far, he wants you to put the rubber diaper part on and do what?

53:44 Caller I never put it on, so I don't know, you know?

53:47 Drew Good, good impulse. But what does he suggest that you do? Just put it on?

53:51 Caller Yeah, and then also we've talked about like maybe getting rid of the diapers.

53:57 Drew Getting rid? No, no.

54:00 Caller What?

54:01 Adam Yeah, she's throwing the diapers away.

54:03 Drew Like ceremonially and then being done with the fetish?

54:06 Caller Well, not ceremonially, just pitching them. And he doesn't argue about it anymore.

54:12 Drew Wait, wait, I understand. You've not used them or put them on yet. No. What's there to pitch?

54:18 Caller Well, they're just sitting in the house. I mean, if we get rid of them, then they can't be used.

54:26 Drew Yeah, but then this will surface in some other weird way, believe me.

54:29 Adam Okay, here's the question for you, Drew. Okay, we all know that you can never really heal these kinds of wounds or fetishes.

54:39 Drew You can. Not heal.

54:42 Adam You can keep them in check and you can work with them like you work with a disease.

54:48 Drew Yeah, they can integrate into the rest of the person and be sort of diminished in their intensity and power.

54:53 Adam Yes, you can treat it like you treat a diet.

54:57 Drew It's more like you treat a bad ankle or something. You learn to rehabilitate it. Eventually you're running on a bad ankle, okay? But you gotta watch.

55:05 Adam No, I'm saying diet. I'm saying you're always gonna want to eat a nice greasy piece of pizza, but you realize because of your heart condition, you just can't. Once in a blue moon, maybe, but you just can't do it. And it's a constant visual that you keep. Every time you leave the house, you're like, I want this. No, I'm not gonna do it. That's what you can do with therapy. Now you want to just get drunk and watch cable 40 hours a day. You'll eventually slide into this. Just like you'll order that pizza at four in the morning. All right, so if he wants to do this and he wants to stay on a little program with Nellie, then so be it. But should she toss him a Duke Bone on his birthday?

55:47 Drew Duke Biscuit.

55:48 Adam Or Christmas is coming up.

55:53 Drew It's kind of like asking an alcoholic to do it.

55:55 Adam Yeah, okay, go ahead and have a shot.

55:57 Drew Yeah, no, it doesn't work.

55:58 Adam All right.

55:58 Drew And he really ought to think it's a sign that he would benefit from some therapy and the relationship would probably be more intimate if he would do that.

56:05 Caller All right.

56:07 Drew Nellie's from Boston. That doesn't fit for me at all.

56:10 Caller I mean, we've been together for like three years and this has only come up like once.

56:13 Drew All right, hopefully it won't be a big deal. Is he otherwise okay? Is he working as he works normally? No mood problems, no alcohol or drug use?

56:22 Adam All right, I think you're gonna be the gatekeeper here.

56:25 Drew And he's in, are you both living in Boston?

56:26 Adam Yeah. You're gonna be the diaper gatekeeper.

56:29 Drew That's not a Bostonian move.

56:31 Adam The diaper thing? No, he must have, it's a very Floridian transplant.

56:37 Caller No, he's from here.

56:38 Adam Mm-hmm, I knew it. All right, should we take a look at Florida?

56:43 Drew He's not from Boston. He's from Western Massachusetts.

56:46 Adam Oh, he's not from Boston.

56:50 Caller Yeah.

56:51 Adam Where's he from?

56:52 Caller He's from a suburb of Boston.

56:54 Drew Which one? Weymouth?

56:58 Caller Yeah.

56:58 Drew That's not too far out.

57:00 Adam All right, Drew knows. Thanks, baby doll. All right, let's, should we do Germany or Florida? You want to?

57:06 Drew Need a break. There's Dickie.

57:07 Adam A little Dickie for you. And Germany or Florida is going to be tough tonight because the phone lines aren't coming through too good. Anthony?

57:13 Yeah.

57:14 Adam All right, you're 15.

57:15 Caller Yeah.

57:16 Adam You got Germany or Florida for us?

57:18 Caller Yeah, okay. There's a girl walking home late one night from work and it's really dark. There's no cars around, nobody around. And about halfway home, this guy comes up behind her and grabs her and starts trying to rape her. And he gets his pants undone. And somewhere in the struggle, she gets her head down by his crotch and she bites off his testicles.

57:39 Drew Testicles, not penis, but testicles.

57:41 Caller Yeah, his testicles.

57:42 Drew Germany.

57:43 Caller Yeah, okay.

57:45 Drew Yes, thank you, thank you, Anthony. Germany?

57:48 Caller Yeah, it was Germany.

57:50 Drew All right, buddy. Thank you, thank you. Let him finish, though. All right, so keep going. By the way, if that reasoning is in Florida, they would put the penis off.

57:57 Caller Right. You want me to finish?

58:00 Drew Yeah, please.

58:01 Caller Okay, well, he falls on the ground and starts screaming and moaning, and she runs away. She goes to the police station and she walks up to the front desk and she puts his testicles on the counter and says the guy just tried to rape her and those were his testicles. And then she leaves. About an hour later, they get a call from the hospital about a guy with a similar injury. And so after they get them stitched up and everything, they arrest him.

58:26 Adam Mm-hmm, Florida. Wait a minute.

58:28 Drew Arrest him.

58:29 Yeah, they arrest him.

58:31 Drew Also Germany, because in this country, she would have gotten arrested.

58:33 Adam Right. All right, so Germany and Drew's one for one.

58:38 Yeah.

58:38 Adam Thanks. Thanks, buddy, boy.

58:41 Drew By the way, good strategy for young ladies, that you can rip the testicles off rather easily. And you can bite them off. Go ahead, if a guy's trying to rip you, just yank him off.

58:49 Adam Hey, Anthony.

58:50 Caller Yeah.

58:50 Adam What's Santa gonna bring you this year?

58:53 Caller I have no idea.

58:55 Adam You didn't ask for anything?

58:56 Caller No, I got everything I want already. I got one of my Christmas presents early.

59:00 Adam What'd you get?

59:03 Drew PlayStation 2.

59:04 Adam Oh, PlayStation 2. He got it early.

59:07 Drew When Adam and I were growing up, there was never anybody who said, I've got everything I want. That didn't exist.

59:12 Adam No, I didn't know any of those people.

59:13 Drew No, I didn't either, it just didn't exist.

59:15 Adam Yeah, I got a BS5. It was just a piece of dried bull crap. And it was just, I'd kick it around the yard.

59:23 Drew What stick?

59:24 Adam At number five, it's not stamped in it. All right, and that's it. So you got the PlayStation, what else?

59:30 Caller Well, there's really, I want games for the PlayStation, but right now I got four games that I've already wanted, so I'm pretty much set.

59:38 Drew What's the one you like the best?

59:41 Caller Probably Grand Theft Auto Vice City.

59:43 Drew Yeah, of course.

59:44 Adam You see how many school-age girls you can rape while stealing. Here's what it is.

59:51 Drew And run over.

59:51 Adam Yeah, the beginning of the game starts with you pistol-whipping a handicap elderly, a handicap person. Then you steal the car and you see how many of her granddaughters you can rape. And then there's bonus points for more pistol-whipping of the elderly.

1:00:07 Drew Listen, I, my boys rented a video, a PS2 game tonight at Blockbuster, and it was a WWF game. And it is, and there are female wrestlers and male wrestlers and they can fight out together and they beat the F out of each other. I mean, it's, it's violent.

1:00:24 Adam Violent, yes.

1:00:25 Drew I mean worse than Grand Theft Auto.

1:00:27 Adam Oh really?

1:00:29 Drew And I'm thinking to myself, okay, now let me think, this is going to make 12 year olds beat up chicks? No, it's not.

1:00:36 Adam Well, not your kids. Maybe if you're on the cusp.

1:00:39 Drew That's right. If you got to have that energy going, otherwise they're just laughing at it. It's like farcical to them.

1:00:44 Adam Yeah, yeah. And you got to be a little bit stupid too.

1:00:48 Drew I mean, if you have the trauma and you got the energy and you transferred from torturing small animals, then this is a good thing. Then that bad thing, it creates that energy.

1:00:58 Adam But let's not overlook this. People think you become stupid when you're an adult. There's plenty of stupid nine year olds. They're just not sharp. Kids are all over the place. It's absolutely amazing. I mean, there's plenty of eight year old kids.

1:01:15 Drew I mean, the range of their intellectual.

1:01:16 Adam Yeah, it has nothing to do with.

1:01:18 Drew Well, it's about mental, intellectual and genetic endowments.

1:01:20 Adam But it has nothing to do with that. Drew, you like to throw everything in the laps of the school board. There's 10 year olds who could play this game and think it was a good idea to do that to a lady. And then there's ones who realize it's way out of the realm of reality and they would never do it. And some of them are just dumb. I mean, that's it. Plain and simple. And you know, bad family, poor education, all that helps. But stupid is stupid. Smart is smart too. I met my, I was hanging out with my little, I don't know what he is.

1:01:52 Caller Nephew?

1:01:53 Adam No, not my nephew, but like cousin, my cousin's kid. That makes him a third cousin to me or something like that. Kid's like two. So it's literally, it's like two, maybe it's two and a half, just walking around. How are you doing? I think his name is Ben. How you doing, Ben? Fine. Hey, Ben, you want to taste some of my pie? Okay. You want a ham, some pie? Did you like that, Ben? Yes. You want some more? No, thank you. You know, it's like talking to a little person. My nephew's like six, like, hey-

1:02:22 Drew Talking to Stewie.

1:02:23 Adam Hey, Casper, how you doing, huh? Wait a minute, get out of here. It's like, he'll just kick you in the shin and walk away. It doesn't even look at you, you know?

1:02:29 Drew You know, one of the smartest kids that looks like five, six, one could have ever encountered was-

1:02:34 Adam Asian kid.

1:02:34 Drew No.

1:02:35 Adam They're smart.

1:02:35 Drew You know, what's her name from Taxi that wrote the diet books, was on our show a year ago.

1:02:38 Adam Mary Lou Henner.

1:02:39 Drew Mary Lou Henner's child is a genius.

1:02:41 Adam Yeah, there are certain kids, they're like-

1:02:43 Drew She's like, you could have a discussion with them about Kierkegaard, I mean, it's bizarre.

1:02:46 Adam I don't know who that is.

1:02:47 Drew That's what I'm saying.

1:02:48 Adam They're like miniature people. Yeah. And then there are other, like, as I was saying, most three-year-olds, you talk to them, they just look at you, you know? And you go, you want some pie? And they just look at you, you know? And then they just get up and walk away. Now, if you got something they want, if you're holding something they want to play with, that's a different story, or they want to wrestle, they want something. But if they don't want something from you, you don't exist, for the most part. Then they're the kids who, like, they're lucid.

1:03:14 Drew Well, I was talking, she's at six months, he has full sentences. And we should go to the park, baby, their baby's, like, you know, barely able to turn over, and mom's going, how old is this child?

1:03:23 Adam Yeah, they're smart.

1:03:24 Drew Yeah, I have six now, eight months.

1:03:25 Adam Yeah, my little cousin from the third power, whatever, the kid's talking, he's answering, he's lucid, he's polite, you know, he's like two years old. It just happens. Then there's the two-year-old kids that don't even know someone's talking. There you go. What, is that, are they a product of the school system? No, they're just one smart and the other stupid. Feasy. I don't know why he's big problem with that. We don't have to punish the stupid kid, but he's stupid.

1:03:54 Drew You're being a little bit simplistic, because there are many other things that come to bear on what a kid's intellectual function is at a certain age.

1:03:59 Adam Stupid.

1:04:02 Caller Yeah.

1:04:02 Adam You're 23?

1:04:03 Drew Speaking of.

1:04:04 Caller Yeah. Can you hear me?

1:04:06 Drew Oh yeah.

1:04:06 Adam Yeah, what's happening?

1:04:08 Caller Dr. Drew, I'd like to ask you a question. When I'm getting off with my boyfriend, I think about other guys.

1:04:16 Drew You're gay.

1:04:16 Adam Yeah, please, please.

1:04:18 Caller I am. I hope so. Don't be rude.

1:04:21 Drew No, I just hope so.

1:04:23 Caller I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Anyway, so when we get off, I think about other guys that typically are younger.

1:04:31 Drew Drew, you get it. How young?

1:04:35 Caller Maybe like 18, 19.

1:04:38 Adam How old's your boyfriend? How old's your boyfriend?

1:04:40 Caller 25.

1:04:41 Adam 25.

1:04:42 Drew Yeah, 23.

1:04:43 Caller So my question essentially is, this is the beginning of the relationship. I mean, I don't know what you would consider beginning, but we're in our second month of dating. So I guess my question is, is this in the realm of normality or?

1:04:55 Drew Yes. Well, have you ever had a close relationship before?

1:04:59 Caller One that I felt was on the verge of being healthy. Not really, but.

1:05:03 Drew And you think, so you really never had a relationship. You just had sort of short liaisons kind of thing. Yeah. And this one, you want it to be a relationship. You're really getting heavy, strong feelings for this guy. Yes. And so you're worried that you're thinking about other people. Now, this is your brain freaking out about being intimate and trying to pull you away from it in some way.

1:05:27 Adam Plus it's the male brain.

1:05:29 Drew It's a male brain. But if you had any sexual abuse.

1:05:33 Caller Well, that was the second question actually I wanted to ask you. I've never been sexually abused, but I go to have a counselor, I have a therapist and my therapist said something kind of interesting to me recently in one of our sessions. She said that you can be sexually abused without actually physically being touched or sexually abused.

1:05:54 Drew Yeah, you can see sexual things. You can see pornography.

1:05:57 Caller You can see this. Right, right. That was around, yeah, my dad crossed a couple of boundaries with that when I was younger.

1:06:02 Drew And that freaks kids out. It changes their brain wiring a bit. But usually not, well, what I was getting at with you was not about your sexual orientation so much as whether or not you're a sexual compulsive. Because you said, you know, I can't have relationships. I've had lots of guys, but they've not been relationships. And now here I am in a relationship, but I want to, I'm compulsively thinking about other guys. So, you know, there might be some sexual addiction here or sexual compulsivity. And, you know, you're seeing therapists, you're hanging onto this relationship. Just, just relax. It'll be all right.

1:06:31 Adam But good times. And listen, don't question yourself all the time. That's an impulse. You have it, you do it. You stay in the relationship.

1:06:39 Drew I just agree a little bit because this, he is going to have a tendency to sabotage the relationships. He has to question himself.

1:06:44 Adam No, no. But I understand that. And I'm saying.

1:06:48 Drew Don't be anxious about it.

1:06:49 Adam No, what I'm saying is, is don't say.

1:06:51 Drew Stinks in here. Jesus Christ.

1:06:52 Adam I farted five minutes ago.

1:06:54 Drew I'm talking about, oh.

1:06:56 Adam It's been a full two minutes.

1:06:57 Drew It's like my ass is getting over here.

1:06:59 Adam It's almost two minutes. Almost, oh please.

1:07:01 Drew Yeah, it's bad.

1:07:02 Adam Please.

1:07:03 Drew So anyway, tell him.

1:07:04 Adam All right, here's what I'm saying.

1:07:07 Drew The catalogs are coming in real handy.

1:07:09 Adam Trish using them like he's landing an F-14 on a carrier deck. Flapping around, like whack, come on, give me those. Those are mine. These are collector's items. Okay, now listen. Here's what I'm saying. He is gonna do one of these things where he starts questioning his feelings and sabotaging simultaneously where he says, I'm thinking about other guys. Why am I thinking? Maybe I'm not that into this guy. I'm thinking about other guys. Something's wrong with me or something's wrong with him or something's wrong with us. And therefore you start spinning out with this thing.

1:07:44 Drew On the other hand, if he didn't evaluate his thoughts, he might act on them.

1:07:48 Caller Yeah, evaluate them, but don't let them control you.

1:07:51 Adam I saw my shrink.

1:07:53 Drew Do you see your therapist anymore?

1:07:55 Adam I saw my shrink today and it was like, I needed another shrink to talk about my shrink because I just think about, people don't let you do what you wanna do. They don't let you, whether it's your neighbor or your shrink, people don't know where you're going. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you're out in the street talking to your neighbor and you're saying, well, I know it's not coming from my place. So I gotta head up and make a few phone calls and they go, well, I'll go up with you and check it out. You know, these people in life that just everywhere you go, they seem to figure out what it is you're going for.

1:08:27 Drew If they're supposed to follow you.

1:08:28 Adam Oh, they're supposed to do it, but this is different. This is a little bit different, which is my shrink said, hey, I'm not going to be around next week or the week after. I can't remember which one. I can't remember if it was New Year's or Christmas. I didn't write it down, naturally. And then I thought to myself, you shouldn't tell people, by the way, you're going to be not meeting with them. Like, if you meet with someone every Tuesday, you shouldn't tell them, I'm not going to be able to meet with you the Tuesday after the next Tuesday, because it goes down in your mind a few days later is, are we getting together this Tuesday or is that the second Tuesday? You should tell them on that Tuesday that you tell them on the one closest to it. Hey, a week from now, not going to be here, not two weeks from now, because you'll anyway, not anyone's fault. But it went down in my mind is, yeah, I guess he said Christmas. All right, so we're not getting together this week, this morning. So I'm sitting at home and the phone rings at like about five minutes for I'm usually go and see him. And he's like, yeah, Adam, listen, it's me. I'm I'm running a little bit late. I'm not in the office today. I just want I'm glad I caught you. I said, oh, well, I thought I thought we weren't seeing each other. And no, no, that's the following week. I said, oh, all right. Well, I'm at home and, you know, I'm in my sweatpants and you're over there in Sherman Oaks and you're running late. And it's what time is it? Well, it's the time we normally it's raining outside. Guess just wasn't just wasn't meant to be for today. Well, I'd like to see you. Oh, Christ, really? That's it. I don't think I've ever done that to anybody, by the way.

1:10:06 Drew What was it he wanted to see?

1:10:07 Adam Nothing. He was just heading in and, you know, I thought you were alcohol or cigarettes.

1:10:11 Drew No relationship or your masturbation or?

1:10:15 Adam No, I doesn't know anything about that.

1:10:17 Drew No. Oh, yes. No, no, he's waiting for praying and praying for the day when that will all emerge. And he had a hint, a hunch that today might be the day. What's his name? Oh, I like to make a call. Shout out to him.

1:10:31 Adam Yeah.

1:10:31 Drew Hey, it's got masturbates to my drinks, too much, smokes too much, cigarettes, too much cigarettes.

1:10:36 Adam Ask me how many cigarettes I smoked today.

1:10:38 Drew Three zero zero. So you'll smoke a pack tonight. You're like my guy, the pot smoker. Three an hour ago, only smoked four bowls after dark. Yeah. Yeah. You have your daytime lungs in the garage. Your nighttime lungs are out.

1:10:50 Adam I'm going to smoke a cigarette till 1230 at night.

1:10:52 Drew That's what I'm saying.

1:10:54 Adam Different heart, lung, a glass of wine and smoke a cigarette. Nothing wrong with that. True.

1:10:58 Drew Nothing wrong with that. But a bottle of wine and a carton of cigarettes.

1:11:02 Caller Keeping it real.

1:11:03 Drew Very real.

1:11:04 Adam It's just that my boys over there in WW2, smoked a cigarette or two, non-filtered as well and drank a glass of wine or two.

1:11:11 Drew That's true. The greatest generation.

1:11:13 Adam Yeah. What do you want them drinking? Drinking like a Pepsi free and eating in a Vito pack or something? No. Take a quick break. We'll be right back. Loveline.

1:11:25 Caller Loveline is brought to you by Trojan, America's most trusted condom for over 80 years.

1:11:35 Adam Hey, yo, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Come on, Drew, let's get some calls. I'm about to walk.

1:11:43 Drew Let's get to it.

1:11:44 Adam You ready?

1:11:45 Drew Yeah. It's our last 30 minutes of the year.

1:11:47 Adam Yeah, let's rock. Mitch?

1:11:48 Drew Oh, wait a minute. It reminds me of a story.

1:11:52 Adam Mitch, you're 19. What's up?

1:11:53 Caller All right, hey, Adam and Drew, what's up?

1:11:56 Mitch. Hey, Mitch.

1:11:57 Caller All right, well, I met this girl, I really liked, about a month ago. And for the past two weeks, you know, we started to like, you know, make out, stuff like that. And just last Friday night, we were going at it pretty hardcore and, you know, we ended up having sex. But I'd say about five minutes into it, you know, she takes my hand and she like, she puts it over her mouth, right? And she tells me to keep it there, you know, cause it turns her on, you know, so I just keep it there. You know, I'm just like, you know, okay, you know, whatever, I'll just keep it there. It turns you on. So, you know, I kept it there. And after we were done, she told me.

1:12:31 Drew Something's wrong with this story.

1:12:35 Adam Really?

1:12:36 Drew Yeah.

1:12:37 Adam I was thinking about answering Mark.

1:12:39 Drew I know, I could tell you weren't thinking, listen, the cadence is all wrong, the way it's, it's just, it's.

1:12:43 Adam He's in heroin?

1:12:44 Drew Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

1:12:45 Adam What's his problem?

1:12:45 Drew Let's go back, because I was expecting a mason jar in between Merge from.

1:12:50 Adam Oops.

1:12:51 Let's see what our conversation is.

1:12:52 Adam And his name is Mitch.

1:12:54 Caller Yeah.

1:12:54 Adam All right, keep going, Mitch.

1:12:56 Caller All right, anyways, after we were done, she told me how she fantasized about me and Rape and what not and how she wants to be tied up next time we do it. And it would turn her on. Like if we're one of those black masks, you see like, I don't know, I guess you see them in movies and stuff, like Robert Tarnham, like when they're robbing banks. Yeah. But I guess my question is, are these just like normal fantasies or is this some type of inner issue, you know? Like, was she raped or might she have been molested or?

1:13:29 All right, all right, hold on.

1:13:32 Adam Mitch, hold on a second now.

1:13:33 Drew All right, it's very early in a relationship for somebody to come forward with something like that.

1:13:37 Adam Oh, it was two weeks ago?

1:13:38 Drew Yeah, well, no, first time they're getting heavy. She immediately comes out with, I need you to rape me.

1:13:43 Adam Sounds bogus.

1:13:44 Drew Yeah, oh yeah.

1:13:45 Yeah, all right.

1:13:46 Adam Mitch, we don't believe you.

1:13:48 Caller Really?

1:13:49 Adam Yeah.

1:13:49 Caller Why's that?

1:13:51 Adam Well, now we really don't believe you. I believed you for a second, but now, it's just a...

1:13:58 Drew It doesn't, it's not how people work.

1:14:00 Adam Not fitting for us. God bless Drew. And here's the thing, too. Listen, first off, all you can kiss are hairy asses. Do you understand that we know?

1:14:15 Caller Mitch is an idiot, too, because I have his phone number.

1:14:18 Drew Oh, good times.

1:14:20 Caller I called him back from last night.

1:14:23 Adam Yeah, because here's the thing. Now, here's what got me, because I was only listening with one ear.

1:14:28 Drew I could tell.

1:14:28 Adam I was listening to some of these car catalogs. But here's what goes on. Yes, this is, what Mitch did is Mitch was smart to the extent that he took a common thing, which is girls that were abused.

1:14:42 Drew Wanting to be overpowered.

1:14:43 Adam Wanting to be overpowered and simulate rape and that kind of stuff. It's a very easy thing. It's like you go into a mechanic and you're saying, it doesn't idle right. It's starting, the guy's going, it's the thermostat. You lay it out to him and it's something he knows. Now here's why they didn't work on us. Drew happened to be listening because he cares. You caught Drew during a rare moment when he's listening to you guys. And he understood and as soon as he alerted me to it, I agree with him, which is you don't bring this up on the first date.

1:15:12 Drew First time they're getting on.

1:15:13 Adam First time you start, she's like, I like to be raped.

1:15:15 Drew No, no, no.

1:15:16 Adam That you wait on.

1:15:18 Drew Especially 19 year old chicks. The thing about our culture again is they don't accept how humans actually are. They want them to be all kinds of things that the movies say they should be. How they are is quite different. So people can't be bogus. They can't do bogus things.

1:15:33 Adam Plus Mitch then gave us every single tidbit of information.

1:15:36 Drew That we didn't need.

1:15:37 Adam That we didn't need and then kept saying, so was she, he never stopped talking.

1:15:42 Drew Yeah, yeah.

1:15:43 Adam He was gonna fill in every gap with a little bit of Mitch Mortar.

1:15:48 Drew Yeah, the meter was wrong. The delivery was wrong. Sorry.

1:15:51 Adam Sorry, horrible actor Mitch, right? And here's the thing by the way, everybody, because everyone asks us all the time, oh man, you must get so many bogus calls. Now we know the bogus calls. And here's the thing, it's not the content of the call. It's not the question. It's who's delivering the question.

1:16:08 Drew How they deliver it in the detail. The detail about it is the question.

1:16:11 Adam Mitch had a normal question that didn't really, it wasn't outrageous and it's one that we've heard many times and there was nothing outrageous about his question. And by the way, all you tards out there that are trying to do a bogus call, it's really easy to fool a doctor if you say, I was playing hoop and I twisted my ankle and it's swollen. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, of course, it's an easy way to fool him if you're talking to the guy on the phone. I don't understand what's in it for you. I mean, the idea of a bogus call is see how outrageous a call you can come up with and then see if you can sell it to us. Don't just get on the air and say, yeah, I was with a girl. I think maybe she was abused and she wants me to put my hand over her mouth. There's nothing to it. Hey, Chris, you can't talk so loud. Chris, who called you? Well, tell Lauren to get off the phone. Chris is like angry, she's yelling at her on the phone. What room? You think you're at home? You can put your head under the desk when you talk to Lauren. What the hell does she want? Yeah. Listen, that's a junior, junior. There aren't enough juniors.

1:17:30 Caller You just added three more juniors.

1:17:32 Adam There's not enough juniors in the world. I would have to take away Ken Griffey, juniors, junior. I would have to take away all the juniors out there. Junior Sayow, all, all the, all, Junior Walker and the All Stars. I have to steal all their, Carl's Jr. I've stick all their juniors to use them up on Lawrence. She couldn't have called in three and a half minutes when we're during a commercial break to talk to you. She called the studio while we're on the air. I'll tell you, I think I'm convinced she was been sent over from another radio show to sabotage this one. Who's our competition? We got competition out here in Los Angeles. Somebody, maybe Kiss, maybe Star sent her over. Still saboteur. Ryan? Loving you buddy, you're 14. What's going on?

1:18:19 Caller Yeah. All right.

1:18:22 Adam Yeah.

1:18:22 Caller I have like these kind of like zits on the underside of my penis and I'm kind of freaking out about them. I don't know what they are.

1:18:29 Adam Have you had sex?

1:18:31 Caller No.

1:18:31 Adam No, all right. Virgin? Yeah. Cool.

1:18:34 Drew There's zits. You can get, on the side of the penis did he say?

1:18:38 Adam Underside.

1:18:38 Drew Underside the penis though. Yeah, between the nuts and the penis that little infected the follicle can form. Hot towels, hot compresses.

1:18:46 Adam Hot compresses. Brittany?

1:18:48 Caller Yeah.

1:18:48 Adam You're 17.

1:18:49 Caller Uh-huh.

1:18:50 Adam What's up?

1:18:52 Caller I just wanted to know if it was normal how I masturbate.

1:18:56 Adam Yes, it is.

1:18:56 Drew How do you do it?

1:18:57 Adam You use a frozen ferret, right?

1:19:01 Caller No, I use an electrical toothbrush.

1:19:04 Drew Oh, because you heard about it on this show.

1:19:09 Adam Yeah, I did that once with electric toothbrush.

1:19:12 Caller Now, I heard about it from my friend because I don't know, I'm too afraid to go into like a porno shop to get a dildo. And I'm not 18, so I don't know if I can get it or not.

1:19:24 Adam Right. Now, is it a old school electric toothbrush? Because one of these sonic ones.

1:19:30 Caller No, I don't use it. I don't use it with my, oh, my teeth. I mean, I have my own toothbrush, but I use that.

1:19:36 Drew No, that's not the question. That's not the question. She's 17.

1:19:39 Adam Loveline reenactment.

1:19:40 Drew Was it one of the old school electric toothbrushes?

1:19:43 Adam Well, I don't use it on my teeth.

1:19:49 Drew Yeah.

1:19:50 Adam See, when you reenact it, it becomes more clear.

1:19:53 Drew Macabre, yes.

1:19:54 Adam It becomes clear that the question's not answered. Hey, Brittany. Is it one of these old school toothbrushes?

1:20:01 Caller It's an electrical one that you put, you buy in the store. I don't know what you're saying.

1:20:07 Drew There are sonic toothbrushes that sort of vibrate.

1:20:10 Adam There's older ones that just sort of vibrate, and then there's ones that move in a rotary action.

1:20:17 Caller It just vibrates.

1:20:18 Drew It goes, well, I don't think they have the ones you're thinking of anymore.

1:20:21 Caller It like spins and makes a vibrating feel.

1:20:25 Caller Yes, the spinning one.

1:20:25 Adam It spins.

1:20:26 Drew That's the back and forth one.

1:20:27 Adam No, no, it spins.

1:20:31 Caller It's like a circle bristle.

1:20:32 Caller Yeah.

1:20:32 Drew Yeah, they don't actually spin. They're going like this.

1:20:35 Adam Whatever it is, it's a new one.

1:20:36 Drew It's a, yeah.

1:20:39 Adam And what do you do? You don't use the brush part. You use the backside.

1:20:43 Drew Do you put it in you?

1:20:44 Caller Yeah.

1:20:46 Adam Yeah. And then her kid brother puts it in him, but it's his mouth. And now if your folks like found it, like on your nightstand or something, it's like, oh, I'm so proud of this young girl. Talk about oral hygiene.

1:20:59 Caller No, they haven't found it.

1:21:01 Adam They haven't found it. Cause you know, here, let me explain masturbation, everybody.

1:21:07 Drew Please.

1:21:08 Adam You get lazy. You get cocky. You get sloppy. You get caught. Do you understand?

1:21:16 Drew Yeah.

1:21:17 Adam You understand what goes on?

1:21:18 Drew So here's the role of the Corolla checklist. Barrel bolt on the door.

1:21:23 Adam Barrel bolt on the door. Don't, don't get, don't assume. That's when disaster strikes. You understand? You think your dad's out of the, no, you check. You check, you double check. And then don't, here's how you get popped. You wanna know how you get popped? Here's how you get popped. And this is for all masturbation. You put the dirty movie in the VCR, you watch it, you beat off. When you're done. If you look, no. You look at the VCR and you say, I will take that movie out. Let me just go mop down. I'm gonna take a shower. I'm gonna get my, fix myself. The old lady, the old man, the parents, whatever. They're not gonna be home for a few hours. I got plenty of time. I'll just take care of this and then I'll get that. No, you do it now. That's where you get popped because you get up, next thing you know, you're in the shower and you hear the front door slam. Now you gotta get to the VCR. That's why you gotta...

1:22:24 Drew Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:22:28 Adam All right, so Brittany, that's fine. That's good times and you don't get any gingivitis in your vulva. So what is old school electric vibrate, electric toothbrushes? It's electric.

1:22:43 Drew I don't use it in my mouth.

1:22:44 Adam Is it one of those old ones? I don't use it in my mouth. Yeah, but is it like the older variety kind or is it the new sonic kind? You buy it at the store. Really?

1:22:55 Drew I don't know, just the kind you buy at the store.

1:22:58 Adam You're putting it in you now.

1:23:02 Caller Take a look at it, all right.

1:23:03 Adam All right, Lauren, get ready. Start dialing that phone because we're going to take ourselves a break and we'll be right back after this. Everybody. Yeah, Drew can't rap because he was on the computer looking for something. Come on, Cousy and Chousy, Drew.

1:23:34 Yeah? Yeah.

1:23:37 Adam Here we go, Drew. Looking good, buddy. Looking mighty good. Hi Bucky, where are we going? I'm a love triangle.

1:24:15 Caller Hey, did Lauren get in the building?

1:24:16 Adam I think she's trapped outside. Yeah, that's intentional. Hold on a second, Dare. Yeah, Lauren is trying to get in the building. I'm not sure if she got in. She was hanging out.

1:24:31 Drew Anderson said she needs to be let in though. No, Nicole, get her in.

1:24:34 Caller I'm sorry to bring this up on air.

1:24:35 Drew She'd been calling me and I can't answer the phone.

1:24:38 Adam She'll land on her feet. She's fine.

1:24:40 Drew Nicole's recording something in the next studio, right?

1:24:42 Adam Show's gonna be over in 14 minutes. We'll go get her. Christ.

1:24:46 Drew Yeah. What's the matter, Anderson?

1:24:49 Adam Anderson is doing double duty because he's screening calls, he's engineering. He's really, he's doing the work of three men. When normally he just does the work of one raccoon.

1:25:00 Drew Mm-hmm.

1:25:01 Caller Yeah, go talk to Dare. You can see what I've been putting up with all night.

1:25:04 Adam Dare.

1:25:05 Drew Dare.

1:25:06 Adam Yeah, Dare.

1:25:08 Adam.

1:25:08 Adam Yeah, you're 19?

1:25:10 Caller Yeah.

1:25:11 Adam What's up? Oh, calling from someone.

1:25:13 Caller Who? So, I have a problem with a female friend of mine when I moved up here. She's a real cool girl and her father passed away this year. And...

1:25:26 Adam Yeah, what happened? Motorcycle exploded?

1:25:29 Caller No, he died of lung cancer at the age of old age. And...

1:25:35 Drew At the age of old age?

1:25:36 Adam Mm-hmm.

1:25:37 Caller Yeah, she had a parents...

1:25:38 Adam Hold on, Dare, what are you doing in Sunland? What went wrong? Something went wrong.

1:25:46 Caller Nothing, man, just...

1:25:49 Adam Yeah.

1:25:50 Drew If nothing's gone wrong, there's nothing to get together.

1:25:54 Caller Yeah, it's okay.

1:25:56 Adam Yeah, people do that, all right. It's like, what happened? No, man, nothing. I'm just rehabbing and trying to get it together and get my feet back on it. And it's like, saw something happen, right? We had to put Young Dare on hold because he dared to use the F word on there.

1:26:12 Drew And then I think Old Anderson dared to eliminate Dare.

1:26:15 Adam Oh, that was Anderson? Yeah. That'll still be it. Let me tell you, Sondland doesn't disappoint. You don't get anyone with like a thick British accent calling from Sondland at top of the morning to you don't get any of that. You just get guys with the old lady. It's a promise. What happened? I was fixing my chopper frame and I was using too much acetylene and not enough argon and the torch blew up and a woman lady was pregnant. Part of the tank lodged in there. The kid was born with a valve gauge in his head.

1:26:50 Caller We love him though.

1:26:54 Drew Take two.

1:26:55 Adam You want to go two?

1:26:55 Caller Yeah.

1:26:56 Adam Who is two? I don't even know the name of two.

1:26:59 Caller I know.

1:27:00 Drew It's better than the other one. Here, put this in. Put this in.

1:27:02 Adam Screw two. Oh, Len? Len?

1:27:06 Drew Len?

1:27:08 Adam You're, this is us.

1:27:10 Is this Adam?

1:27:11 Adam Yes, it is. Hey, Len.

1:27:14 I have a question about addiction. I take heroin. I take heroin. I'm addicted to heroin. And there's a new drug out called Suboxone.

1:27:26 Drew Yeah, don't get strung out on that. I'm now regularly treating people strung out on that drug.

1:27:33 Adam Suboxone?

1:27:34 Drew Yeah, it's buprenorphine, basically.

1:27:39 And they say it's like methadone.

1:27:41 Drew It's like methadone, that's right.

1:27:42 I wanted to see what you thought about it.

1:27:45 Drew It's just like it's getting strung out on something else. If you're really serious about getting well, you go on a program, you stay there for six months. Lynn, Lynn, it's not, this is the great, great fallacy about addiction. Stopping, listen, stopping using, detoxing, getting off the drug. No, that is easy. Listen, listen. Why do I talk?

1:28:15 Adam Well, why do you talk?

1:28:16 Drew I don't know. I expect people to listen, it's insanity. Going back to the same behavior, expecting a different outcome.

1:28:24 Adam Okay, let me ask you something that Lynn can listen. What? Listen, we don't need our callers interrupting our fun conversations every night. This new Sebastian drug...

1:28:33 Drew It's buprenorphine, buprenax, it comes in various different forms.

1:28:36 Adam Would you rather have your people strung out on what?

1:28:41 Drew I'd rather have them on heroin myself.

1:28:44 Adam Methadone? What would you rather have?

1:28:46 Drew Well, methadone.

1:28:47 Adam Methadone or the Sebastian?

1:28:49 Drew Methadone.

1:28:50 Adam You'd rather have them on that? Yeah. Really? Methadone's been around for 20 years, right?

1:28:54 Drew Yeah, because methadone, you really, if you've decided somebody needs to spend methadone, you're saying they can't be treated. You're going to make them chronically addicted to something, put them on replacement therapy and that's it. You're going to suppress some of the behavioral stuff, some of the craziness is going to settle down and they're just going to be chronically ill. With buprenax and all these drugs, you're saying, well, we're going to take you off. We're going to get you off. We're going to slowly tape you. No. You get strung out on something that's just about as hard to get off as methadone.

1:29:19 Adam No one. No one can can beat this Rubik's Cube of heroin addiction.

1:29:25 Caller What do you mean?

1:29:26 Adam I just mean they can't come up with a drug that works that way.

1:29:30 Drew No, because it is a it's a chronic disease state and it takes about six months of very difficult work to get better.

1:29:37 Adam Len.

1:29:45 Drew Don't worry, you are you are you've been you've been using since you were nine. You are going to need.

1:29:53 I take Xanax. And I smoke and I drink alcohol. I'm afraid my body's going to freak out and give me a heart attack or something like that.

1:30:00 Drew You're going to have withdrawal and it's going to be intense. Yeah, you're going to be not normal for quite some time.

1:30:05 There are things. I'm going to have them from sobering up.

1:30:08 Drew Len, there are there are things that can be given to you to compensate for that to keep things stable.

1:30:15 Adam I'm clutching my heart in preparation. Do you have any kids?

1:30:18 No, I don't. No? I'm not that stupid.

1:30:22 Adam That's my girl. That's my girl.

1:30:25 I'm really afraid of going through a job. But I don't want to go through a job.

1:30:32 Adam What are you doing? What are you doing for money?

1:30:35 Well, uh... Pardon?

1:30:38 Drew Prostituting?

1:30:41 Caller Stripping? You know, I have a boyfriend, and I'm an independent contractor, too. I do mail processing once in a while, but I have a boyfriend.

1:30:52 Drew Prostitution?

1:30:52 Caller Mail processing?

1:30:54 Caller My boyfriend supports me. Mail processing? I'm supported by my boyfriend.

1:31:00 Adam Processing mails isn't giving three guys a hand job at a bachelor party.

1:31:04 Drew If you don't get treated, and Lynn may be a methadone candidate, Lynn's the kind of person you might say, all right, let's call it a lie. But if you don't do something, you're... high probability you're not going to see 30.

1:31:18 Adam Well, what's so great about 30? And again, when Drew says you're not going to see 30, you skip 30 and go to 31. Yes, Drew?

1:31:25 Drew That's what I mean.

1:31:26 Caller Okay.

1:31:27 Adam And then you live life normally.

1:31:29 Drew You might not see 40 either.

1:31:31 Caller Right.

1:31:32 Adam Hugo.

1:31:33 Caller Uh-huh.

1:31:34 Adam Of GoGo.

1:31:34 Caller Uh-huh. What?

1:31:36 Caller I don't know your ADHD.

1:31:41 Adam What's going on in the background, Hugo? Turn a fan on. It's middle of winter.

1:31:54 Caller It's raining.

1:31:56 Adam I'm getting too much feedback. Real fast. Linda?

1:32:00 Yeah?

1:32:04 Adam You're lucky the word dildo is on your call. What's up? What's up, baby doll?

1:32:11 Well, um, I've, I tried masturbating, but it's like, it doesn't work on me.

1:32:19 Drew Right. That's true of a lot of women your age.

1:32:21 Adam You're fine. You're 21. Uh, how about the water? How about the bathtub?

1:32:27 Caller The bath, uh, I don't have a bathtub. I, we do have like a shower head and try that handheld one.

1:32:34 Adam Use it.

1:32:35 Drew Try it.

1:32:35 Adam Use it. And Felice Navidad. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Well, that's the show. We're gonna take a little holiday break. So you'll be hearing some best ofs. But don't worry, you stoners, you've forgotten all about the original shows, and now it's the best of the best. And you know it's good, because Engineer Anderson put it together with his loving, loving hands when he was drunk and stoned.

1:33:28 Drew So we're gonna say, I don't get high. Happy new, when he was drunk, drunk. Happy New Year to everybody, and have a great holiday season. We'll be back for another fantabulous, as Mr. Corolla would say, year.

1:33:41 Adam Yes, we'll be looking forward to that. I want to thank producer Anne and junior producer Lauren and engineer Chris and phone screener Brian and even Tara, don't call me Tara, God damn it, for being around seven eighths of the year. And of course, the magic finger one, engineer Anderson. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo. Down there to look.

1:34:03 Caller Well, you know. In the hip? No, like near his area.

1:34:13 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Tuesday, December 23, 2003