Episode 1000581070796

0:52 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience.

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content. Listener discretion is advised.

1:00 Voiceover Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:05 Voiceover I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Drew.

1:14 Drew Yeah.

1:15 Adam I noticed the front license plate's still on your vehicle.

1:18 Drew Yeah, yeah, but I don't run red lights.

1:20 Adam I told you to take that off. It looks crappy.

1:23 Drew Oh, really? I don't remember you saying that, so.

1:27 Adam I told you, it looks better with it off, and if you run the red light, they have the cameras out here. You don't get the ticket. Everyone should do that. Just take the front license plate off.

1:36 Drew Smart.

1:37 Adam You're never gonna do it. What's wrong with you? Can you not do that?

1:41 Drew No, I'll do it. I did it in my other car.

1:42 Adam You did it. You actually used a screwdriver?

1:44 Drew Yeah, yeah. I had to put them.

1:45 Adam You didn't take it down to the shop or anything?

1:47 Drew I'd like to rather do that.

1:49 Adam You just done, you did it. All right, I take that license plate off. All right. And everybody, listen, when it's clear and they got that red light arrow, drive through it. That's my other thing I want everyone to do. You know, if it's clear, you just drive through it. I've done it about a thousand times. If I get a ticket tonight for driving through an arrow, I'm way ahead of the game.

2:11 Drew Right.

2:12 Adam Huge, I started this policy. I suggest you all do the same. About, it's about two, three years ago, I just said, I'm not going to sit at these signals anymore. I look around and make sure.

2:21 Drew No other city on earth has this problem. It's just those of us that drive through Culver City. Oh, no.

2:27 Adam They're starting to spring up around Los Angeles. Oh yeah. No, I drive through them everywhere. Culver City is the best because Culver City.

2:34 Drew The template.

2:35 Adam Culver City, it's on Washington Boulevard and you can actually see the earth curve and the horizon before you see any goddamn headlights come in the other direction. But you're just sitting there at 12, waiting to get car jacked.

2:47 Drew Oil tankers come over the horizon.

2:49 Adam Just staring out in the Pacific. You can see 30, 40 miles on a clear night. You're looking out in the Pacific and see the tankers coming into the ports of call in the Long Beach. And you're just sitting there at the red arrow while the signal's green, just waiting to get rear ended by a drunk. So anyway, just drive through it. Just drive through it. Everyone just drive through it. And listen, cops, leave the guy alone if he drives through it and there's no one around.

3:16 Drew Some cities like Pasadena have a smart policy, which is a yield on green.

3:21 Adam Yeah, just look, here's all I'm just saying. I'm just saying a little organized boycott here.

3:26 Caller Just everybody start-

3:27 Drew Civil disobedience.

3:28 Adam Civil disobedience. And everyone's like, oh, you're telling people, all right, yeah, tell that to Rosa Parks.

3:35 Drew Speaking of-

3:36 Adam The law was the blacks get in the back of the bus, but not Rosa Parks. She got up, she sat up front. All right, is that a bad, but the law, wait a minute, the law, what about the law?

3:48 Drew Law must have been right.

3:49 Adam Law must have been right. No, obviously the law was wrong. And same with these red arrows in the middle of the night. Well, the signal screen, just drive through them. Everyone, please drive through them.

3:57 Drew Right or wrong, what do you think about the Michael Jackson thing?

4:03 Adam It's so surreal, it's hard to even digest. Do you know what I'm saying?

4:09 Drew You know what's weird though is how many pieces of the puzzle we've been handed over the years and just sort of ignored.

4:13 Adam Yeah. Well, people are-

4:15 Drew He was an opiate addict and detox at a London hospital. Cured? The only opiate addict in history to be cured?

4:21 Adam People are stupid and then Liz Taylor. Here's the problem. Look, people, we can't help but listen to people who are lying all the time. They look, they're very earnest. They look in the camera and they go, I love children. I would never put a harm, raise a hand to a child. And it's like, oh, and we go, oh, okay. Well, I see. Well, he did the interview. And what'd he say? Well, he said he loved kids and he would never do anything to harm a child. And that's it. Well, disturbed people are able to do this, by the way. I mean, if you or I killed somebody, we'd have a little difficulty sleeping that night. There's others that would look forward to killing the following morning. That's what makes you disturbed. Do you know what I'm saying?

5:04 Drew Yes, that's right.

5:05 Adam I don't believe he's harming any, I don't believe he thinks he's harming people.

5:08 Drew Oh no, he just loves them. They're wonderful.

5:10 Adam That's why, well, look at, I mean, when you love, you love your wife, right? You give her a good finger blast every once in a while.

5:16 Drew Once in a while.

5:17 Adam That's my point. You love her. Oh yeah. You wouldn't want anything to happen to her.

5:21 Drew I know.

5:21 Adam But you give her a finger blast.

5:23 Drew That's part of the deal.

5:24 Adam I know. I think that's the way Michael looks at the males, six to 13. I just think, and in his-

5:33 Drew He's an addict. He's never had plastic surgery. Never, ever. I mean, that's bizarre that we even just, I mean-

5:39 Adam Yeah, I know. And, you know, there's a guy that walks around with 70 pounds of kabuki makeup on. And, you know, it's not just, okay, it's one thing you gotta zit, you pop a little base over it so it doesn't bark at anybody when you're walking down the street. It's another thing to put on lipstick, eyeliner, and rouge before you leave the house. I mean, the guys, you know, I wouldn't be surprised if, you know, syphilis had been eating his brain for the last 15 years or more.

6:08 Drew And we just found out about it, you mean?

6:10 Adam Yeah.

6:11 Drew Yeah, yeah.

6:11 Adam Yeah, I mean, if somebody said, you know, if somebody, if he died tomorrow and we did an autopsy and someone said, my God, this guy had a brain disease, a syphilis, and this thing, as best we can tell, he contracted it during the bad tour in 1983 when he was in Kuala Lumpur. And for the last 20 or 22 years, it's been slowly eroding the cerebellum. You'd be going, yeah, it's all starting to come together now. You wouldn't, you just took a pizza cutter, took the guy's skull open, saw half his brain had been eaten away by some parasites, some earwig crawled in his wig, crawled in his ear.

6:55 Drew But instead we're getting the similar story, which is the physical abuse, the sexual behaviors around him when he was a kid, and it's all coming together.

7:02 Adam You know, I was thinking about Joe Jackson, his dad, with those crazy Agnes Morehead eyebrows that have been drawn in with the Sharpie and that. I love that. And by the way, listen, fellas, with that, him and Ike Turner, the only two guys that ever had that mustache, and they both ended up beating the crap out of people. Here's the thing, Hitler mustache looks better on you than that. Like, hey, if you put two guys in a room, one guy has the Hitler mustache, the other guy has that wafer-thin, pencil-thin, upper-lip mustache. It's like, one of these guys is gonna be in charge of your investment portfolio. Give me Hitler. I'll take Hitler. And one of these guys you're gonna have lunch with, Hitler. One of these guys is gonna bang your scissor. Hitler. One of these guys is gonna play bass in your band. Pencil-thin mustache guy. Ooh, you see, that's the twist. You don't want Hitler on the bass. You do want the pencil-thin mustache guy because he can play. He can swing and axe this guy. But then as soon as the band breaks up, you're done. Run. You just have a guy sitting there looking like sort of a cross between Little Richard and the Joker, which is just sort of crazed. And by the way, you want to know what people are thinking. Look into their eyes. People always do that. The eyes are a window to the soul. No, they're really just a window to your brain. Right. They're right there. It's just like the front window of a house. Just go peek through it and see what kind of condition it's in. Right.

8:28 Drew It actually is the peripheral manifestation of your central nervous system. It's the only part of your central nervous system that makes it out.

8:35 Adam Yeah. You see it. Yeah. It's not the window to the soul, it's to the brain. You're just looking right at the person. The brain's a half inch behind the eyes and that's what's going on.

8:43 Drew Directly attached.

8:44 Adam If you look at Joe Jackson and you just see those eyes and you see that weird thing with that cat woman eyebrow he's got drawn in with a Sharpie. It's, holy Christ. All right.

8:56 Drew There we go.

8:56 Adam Hey, but good times.

8:57 Drew Yeah, it is good.

8:58 Adam And let me tell you this, Drew. It proves my theory.

9:01 Drew It takes all kinds.

9:02 Adam That it, oh yeah.

9:04 Was that what you were gonna say?

9:06 Adam That's good, Drew. You're learning. Carrie.

9:09 Hey, how are you all doing tonight?

9:12 Adam Good. You're 17? Would you agree with Drew and I when we say takes all kinds?

9:19 Caller Yeah.

9:21 Adam Go ahead.

9:22 Caller My question is for Dr. Drew, but you can comment in too, because I love your comebacks. Dr. Drew, I am 17, and my boyfriend and I have been having sex for a little over five months now. Five months. I've had sex before him, but when I started with him, while I was on top, I feel like I'm having an orgasm, because I've never had that feeling before, but no fluids come out. And I was curious to know if you could have an orgasm without fluids coming out of you.

9:56 Drew Yeah, the fluid thing is sort of a rare thing.

9:59 Caller Oh, okay, because I mean, I feel it, but I've always been told that fluids have to come out.

10:04 Drew No, no, no. Who told you that?

10:05 Adam Well, I'm from Louisville, so it's like a hound dog or something that told her. Who, like an old miner? Who told you that? Goofy friends, right?

10:15 Caller Yeah, pretty much.

10:16 Adam They don't know, let me tell you something. Chicks don't know anything when they're 30. Imagine what they know when they're 15.

10:22 Drew And the fluid, even those women that do have the talent of being able to have an emission, they typically don't do it every time. It's sort of an unusual thing, even when they're-

10:31 Caller I mean, like every time we have sex, and like I said, I'm on top, it's every time. It's just like that feeling. And I mean, I know that's what it is, but then I don't have seen you fooling me.

10:45 Adam Yeah, you gotta go. That was about, that would have been about, we could have gone five rounds with Carrie. You just explained to her that now rarely happens, that fluid comes out. I know because when I'm on top, I feel the orgasm, but no fluids come out of me. Yeah, I know. It's very rare that a woman would, because my friends told me they would, because when I'm on top, I feel electric shock sensation in my pouch area. I like that part too.

11:14 Drew She was a huge enthusiast, a good caller.

11:16 Adam Sweet as honey, sweet as honey. I just like the process of having to ring an ID out of someone's head. That one turn of the bar rag they got for a brain is not gonna do it. It's a multiple ringing. You say, what kind of batteries does this thing take? Takes AA. Really? Because I thought it took C cells. Now it's second ring time. Nope, AA. AA, hmm, because I already bought the C cells. Now we're going on another ring.

11:47 Drew I like that. You know a lot of those.

11:48 Adam You really gotta ring it out.

11:49 Drew A lot of us too is the coming around to reality. Their version of reality is being challenged and they gotta come around to the real one. It takes a bunch of rings, a bunch of twists.

11:59 Adam All right, well we gave her three and a half. Jerry? You're 22?

12:04 Caller Yes, I just came out to some of my friends only but I was living in Vegas at the time with my gay brother and it was a lot easier then for coming out and like I had a lot of gay people to hang out with. But now I'm living back home with my parents and I don't know where to go.

12:21 Drew Why, what happened?

12:24 Caller I didn't know what I wanted to do with my major and I was getting into like drugs out there and stuff so I came back.

12:30 Drew Did you go to UNLV or something?

12:32 Caller Yes.

12:33 Drew From Chicago?

12:33 Caller Mm-hmm.

12:34 Drew Isn't that an interesting migration?

12:37 Adam What was your gay brother doing there? Was he dancing or something?

12:41 Caller No, he's a leadership development coordinator at UNLV.

12:44 Drew Oh, so he works there and that's how you got sort of brought down?

12:49 Caller Yeah, my parents actually for some reason sent me there after I already had a drug problem at ASU, so I don't know what.

12:55 Drew Well, it's a little bit of a step.

12:57 Adam Don't be pissed at your parents. At least they're paying for your college.

13:00 Drew No, but you say, you don't go to the hot climates when you've got a drug problem.

13:04 Adam You know, no. ASU, UNLV, Vegas, as soon as you get 10 feet off the strip, it's just a weird, depressing, effed up dump. Yeah. It's just the most depressing, weird, weird trash can of a place. The whole place just looks, it's just, it's just a burnt, sun scorched earth and just weird cinder block buildings. I got to go tomorrow morning, so I'm too fired up, but what a crap hole that dump is. It's depressing. Hey, but good times. So, now you're back in Chicago?

13:36 Drew Here's what you got to do. First of all, you got to get your recovery going, right? Well, no, no, you got to go to some meetings. You got to get a 12-step meeting, get a sponsor, get going, A. B, you need, and preferably gay meetings too, because there are those in most major urban centers, develop a network of friends who have come out and who are gay and who can support you. And if the time is right, come out to your parents. Otherwise, if you feel that they're going to react horribly to it, why, why do that?

14:04 Adam The gays are all into those Amyl Poppers, Drew. That's their drug. And they're spunk drunk.

14:12 Drew Homosexuality?

14:13 Caller Yes, because I know that Adam always has it.

14:14 Adam The girls aren't spunk drunk, but the guys are spunk drunk. They gotta get off the spunk. They gotta go to SA.

14:20 Drew What, you gotta get out there and get your bitch spunk drunk.

14:25 Adam That's what I'm saying.

14:26 Drew That's what I'm talking about. Jerry, what were you asking about the genetics?

14:30 Caller Yeah, cause I know that Adam, I've heard you guys say before that you think it's like environmental, like it's something that-

14:37 Drew No, there's a clearly a spectrum and clearly both. Some people it's exclusively environmental and some people it's exclusively genetic. Most people it is the relationship between the environment and the genetic position.

14:48 Adam Well, there's three types. There's the one, God just made you gay. There's the crazy mom or dad made you gay. And then there's sexual abuse, gay. Which one are you? I did?

15:05 Yeah.

15:05 Adam All right, well, he's got a plan for you. And your brother's gay too.

15:11 Yeah.

15:11 Adam Do you have a super uppity domineering mom?

15:15 Yes, totally.

15:18 Drew Why did you pick that category when Adam-

15:20 Adam Well, but that doesn't do it to the chicks so much. That did it to your brother.

15:25 Drew I did to that category though.

15:27 Adam Your mom is like, she's a real anal A type that dominates every conversation and knows more than everyone.

15:36 Caller Yeah.

15:36 Drew Anybody have an eating disorder besides you?

15:39 Caller No. My sister is adopted, so we're both gay, so I kind of feel bad for my parents.

15:47 Adam Do you have an eating disorder?

15:49 Caller No, I don't.

15:51 Adam All right, trick question. All right there, baby doll. We'll go to the meetings, getting all that stuff and good times.

15:57 Drew Yeah, don't worry about your parents right now. Really don't. You're an adult.

16:01 Adam When did your brother come out?

16:04 Caller He just came out this last month.

16:08 Drew How'd they react?

16:09 Caller Terrible.

16:10 Drew Yeah.

16:12 Adam Let your mom catch her breath and then hit it with her.

16:15 Drew That's part of the reason she's impulsed to do this, compulsed.

16:18 Adam Yeah, yeah.

16:19 Drew Gotta get mom.

16:20 Adam It's payback time. Yeah, of course. It's always payback time. Listen, parents, it will be payback time. I mean, you sit there and just run your kids ragged and then they pay you back. That's all. And your worst, whatever your worst nightmare is. I mean, if you're a racist, kid ends up dating someone out of the culture. And if you're a homophobe, they'll go gay for you.

16:48 Drew I was thinking about Michael Jackson and I started thinking also about Elvis and how much BS we buy about him. He was probably an awful guy. He was probably racist and he was violent, shot things and beat up his wife.

17:00 Adam Oh yeah, well, okay, a couple of things. Like Elvis-

17:04 Drew And now, by the way, his daughter's married to Michael. Imagine he wakes up today and wakes up to that. What would he do?

17:14 Adam Probably get something to eat if we woke up now. Cause it's been- It's been a good 25 years. But Elvis, I mean, Elvis' idea of a good time was getting like 14 year old chicks to like wrestle in their panties and stuff. You know what I'm saying? And by the way, unchecked, this is what happens to guys in their sexuality. I mean, it'll spin in outer space.

17:38 Drew And by the way, that's all we know about. So that's the stuff that's reported.

17:42 Adam Yeah, I mean, yeah, God knows what went on other than that. But I'm just saying, leave a guy alone, let him do whatever he wants to do, whenever he wants to do it, with whoever he wants to do, regardless of the age. And there's gonna be trouble. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. They have a little difficulty governing themselves and... Drew whacking the mic with his coffee mug. Drew, how is it that you whacked the mic? When do you whack the mic? You whack the mic...

18:10 Drew One and a half times a night.

18:12 Adam I was gonna say, being fairly generous, but it's not quite two.

18:16 Drew No, I've learned... It's not quite two.

18:17 Adam I'll give you eight times...

18:18 Drew I've learned to hide it from you. Because it happens...

18:22 Adam You go out of town and punch the mic?

18:23 Drew No, I've learned to kind of, you know, sort of...

18:26 Adam No.

18:26 Drew Catch myself as it's happening.

18:27 Adam You hit the mic eight and a half times a week.

18:31 Drew Oh, yeah.

18:32 Adam And the other night, he whacked it with his glasses, which he's now actually using tools. He's using the mug and his glasses. He used to just have the quiet dignity to punch it with his hand, but now he's breaking out the heavy artillery. But here's the thing, how do you do that so often?

18:46 Drew You know how it wouldn't, if we had one, do you get those setups where they have the ear, the microphone attached to the earpiece?

18:51 Adam Oh no, if we do that, you're gonna start walking around.

18:54 Drew Yeah.

18:54 Adam You're gonna leave.

18:55 Drew Yeah.

18:55 You're gonna be going to the bathroom.

18:57 Adam You're gonna be going to the vending machine.

18:58 Drew But I won't hit the mics. Cause it's the, it's the, it's the here.

19:02 Adam How come I never punched a mic?

19:03 Drew This isn't your hot zone, whatever. I do.

19:06 Adam Maybe it's because I'm aware there's a mic that's in front of me and I shouldn't hit it. Are you uncoordinated?

19:14 Drew Yeah.

19:14 Adam You are?

19:15 Drew Oh yeah.

19:16 Adam Really?

19:16 Drew Like flippers for hands, basically.

19:18 Adam Really? You ever just like give your wife a black guy when you're trying to hand her the TV remote or something? Just, just flail it, just a whacker. I mean, you could hurt somebody. I better be quiet. You play the piano like Liberace, I don't understand.

19:32 Drew Fumbling around there. It's 47 years of training. What are you talking about?

19:36 Adam I'm trying to think. How do you sharpen that, Drew? What do you do with like rock, paper, scissor, that hand flap thing or something? Gary, I just don't want you to take your own eye out. You're going to take like a fountain pen and stab it into your ear. You're going to say they're going to find you. What happened to Drew? He was signing some important documents and he stabbed himself in the eye with a fountain pen.

19:58 Drew That has something to do with, I have very long arms. It may not be obvious, but they're crazy long.

20:03 Adam They're not longer than mine.

20:05 Drew You have crazy long arms, too.

20:06 Adam I know, but I don't punch the mic, so.

20:08 Drew I do.

20:14 Adam I know, but I'm just saying, my arms are longer than yours and I don't punch the mic, so it can't be the long arms.

20:20 Drew Yeah, but still.

20:21 Adam All right, that's what you gotta answer with. Gary? Hi. You're 20? What's up?

20:28 Caller I have a question. Last night, I had sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Your caller actually asked me if I had sex before. I was a virgin up until the last night. And my- Hold on, hold on.

20:38 Drew Slow down.

20:39 Adam Slow down. Our phone screener?

20:41 Caller Yeah, he asked me if I had sex before. And I said I had had sex before, but that was just last night, it was the first time. Anyway, we didn't have a condom, but I didn't want her to get pregnant, so we used Saran Wrap.

20:52 Adam Yeah.

20:53 Caller And I just wanted to know if she can get injured from that, or if that's gonna work against STEs, or-

20:57 Adam No, it keeps your spunk fresh. That's about all it's good for. You really put and losing weight off your joint if you want to sweat your joint down.

21:07 Drew Yeah, whatever happened to that?

21:08 Adam Yeah, sweat it off. Sweat that weight off.

21:10 Caller So that's not gonna work at all?

21:12 Drew No, it's not gonna work.

21:13 Caller Even against pregnancy?

21:15 Drew Well.

21:15 Adam What do you mean even against?

21:17 Drew I can't tell you it's not gonna work at all, okay? There is some barrier to that, but it's not gonna stay on. I wanna know how you keep it on, how you make sure that's not, it's impossible.

21:27 Adam First off, first, we found a guy cheaper than your dad, Drew.

21:31 Drew Right, I was gonna say, what is the problem with getting a free condom? You had a free condom at Planned Parenthood?

21:38 Adam Oh, what about the gas to go down to Planned Parenthood? So what did you do? You got the boner first, then you wrapped your penis in saran wrap?

21:51 Caller And then I just wrapped it and tied it in at the end.

21:53 Drew Tied it.

21:53 Adam How'd you tie it at the end?

21:55 Caller With a rubber band.

21:57 Adam No. Really?

21:59 Caller Yeah.

22:00 Adam Hold on a second.

22:01 Drew That would hurt her, I'd imagine too. Imagine on the crinkly edges and stuff.

22:04 Adam No, that's pretty smooth.

22:05 Drew This, by the way, didn't happen.

22:06 Adam I don't think it happened either.

22:09 Drew Although I've heard of stuff like this.

22:10 Adam But you know what? I don't remember hearing this call in the nine years I've been here.

22:14 Drew Well, I'll tell you what it came up. Yeah, the word has come up. It has come up a few times over the years and usually comes up in the reference to being able to give oral sex to a woman, put the saran wrap on top.

22:23 Caller Is that a satisfactory barrier?

22:25 Drew And it is, actually. It does have some effect. But in terms of not allowing spillage of spunk, as it were, got that on a loop, Anderson? I don't see how it could possibly work effectively. And condoms are everywhere. What's the big deal? Well, it couldn't get them in there everywhere.

22:40 Adam It couldn't hurt, though.

22:42 Oh, it could hurt her.

22:43 Drew It could tear the lining.

22:45 Adam Well, I just mean, if someone gave you a length of saran wrap, and it works pretty good when it gets that static cling thing going, and you wrapped your dong pretty good, and then you just, you know, had a couple inches at the end that you sort of folded over and then snapped a rubber band sort of right at the neck of the head of your wanker.

23:06 Drew That's why I'm hedging, that's why I'm not, you know, displaying outrage. It's like I can't completely condemn, just don't do it. It's not a good thing. It's not effective. Get a condom. They're everywhere. It's ridiculous. Use the condom properly. How the hell are we going to teach you to use a saran wrap properly?

23:21 Adam Spunk MacGyver. This week on Spunk MacGyver, Spunk uses an inner tube over his joint to bang a native on a desert island. Hey, do you know what's going on this week on Hack?

23:39 Drew No.

23:40 Adam This week on Hack, in order to catch an arsonist, Hack is going to have to become a rapist.

23:49 Caller A rapist.

23:52 Adam Anderson, do you have that?

23:54 Drew That's all I got.

23:56 Adam Oh, really? You don't have the beginning part?

23:58 Caller I don't think so.

24:01 Adam Hey Anderson, Anderson, I know they don't pay you that much, but can you, if he does do something like, you know, in the future when those sorts of things happen, can you record those?

24:10 Yeah, I can do that.

24:12 Adam Alright.

24:13 I kept the rapist part.

24:14 Caller I thought that was good.

24:15 Drew Anderson, you were up late last night.

24:16 Caller Yeah, I don't feel so good.

24:18 Drew What's the matter?

24:19 Caller A little sick.

24:20 Drew Maybe I can hear it, dude.

24:21 I think I'm just hungover.

24:22 Caller Hungover.

24:23 Drew That's what I'm picking up.

24:24 Adam I got the shakes.

24:26 Caller I got a drink after, you know, the show.

24:28 Adam Yeah.

24:29 Drew It's not me, is it, dude?

24:31 Caller No, dude, it's not you.

24:32 Adam You're good. I got a drink, too. So I mean, I got a drink and Anderson's got a drink. It's got to be you, Drew. I mean, driving us both to drink it.

24:42 Drew Imagine that.

24:44 Adam Chris, what was really funny when that other guy did that voiceover, though?

24:47 Drew Too late. We got to take a break.

24:49 Adam Now hold on. Wait a second. I don't want to talk to him. I just want to finish up with Gary. Gary.

24:54 Caller Yeah.

24:55 Adam Please just tell us you're full of crap.

24:57 Caller Well, no, because my friend told me it worked because my mason judge.

25:01 Caller Idiot.

25:05 Adam Gary, you're spaz on top of nerd, on top of tard, on top of wuss with a side of pussy.

25:12 Caller Hey, screw Gary.

25:13 Caller I got something.

25:15 Caller In order to reach these kids, Hack will have to become a rapist.

25:23 Caller It's Mark D.

25:23 Adam Ray's.

25:24 Caller I'll put in this as forever. Yeah.

25:27 Adam See if you can find the one where Hack has to catch a...

25:32 Drew Become a rapist to catch a rapist.

25:34 Adam No, no. I'll explain the joke to you. I will take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hello. Rob Schneider in here tomorrow night. I should say Sunday night. Good Charlotte in here next week. Blink 182. Ron Livingston from Many a Good Movie, including Office Space. That's a famous and a big movie. And saw him on Jimmy Kimmel. I think I saw him on there last night. Maybe it was night before. Anyway, good guy. Looking forward to meeting him. And all that kind of stuff. Alright, so let's talk to... Kristen is 21. Kristen?

26:36 Caller Yes.

26:37 Adam What's up?

26:38 Caller Hey. I had a question. You know I used to be a 300 pounder. And now I'm a 175 pounder. And honestly, like, I really just want to, you know, go out there and get my screw on, so to speak. And I'm a little insecure about my body. And I...

27:03 Drew And before you weren't insecure?

27:05 Caller Well, I was, but I knew I was fat. You know what I mean? Like, that was pretty much it. I knew I was fat. Everybody knew I was fat. Whatever.

27:13 Adam It's an interesting thing, which is you weren't in the race. You didn't have to compete. You were just sitting in the stands. Now you're out on the track and you're slow.

27:28 Caller Yes.

27:28 Adam That laugh ain't going to speed up the sex ending either.

27:31 Drew Well, my.

27:32 Adam Maybe. I gotta go. Got a second one on the way out. Sorry about the cat.

27:43 Drew I just wonder if that's a ruse, this worry about her body is a ruse for just avoiding intimacy as as being of weight can sometimes be.

27:50 Adam Well, sometimes people pack on the pounds so people leave them alone physically and they don't have to deal with it emotionally too. Barrier.

27:59 Drew Sure.

28:00 Caller Right. Right.

28:02 Adam Did you do you feel like you put the weight on for a reason?

28:06 Caller I mean, it's a really unhealthy kid. Like I was never really brought up to exercise and I overate all the time, always really depressed and.

28:14 Drew Why? Why were you why were you depressed?

28:16 Caller Just, you know, like family issues. My my my parents got divorced and my dad had been cheating on my mom and he's he's a he's a captain for Continental Airlines and.

28:30 Drew Well, that explains everything right there.

28:33 Caller Exactly. Exactly. Airline pilot nailed it right there. Like mom.

28:36 Drew No, I know a lot of good airline pilots.

28:40 Adam Yeah. I mean, you know, a long haul trucker was hooked on speed. I mean, it gives an airline pilot. Sounds like a decent.

28:47 Drew Was he an alcoholic? Was he abusive in some way?

28:50 Caller His parents were alcoholics. I just don't think my dad ever knew how to be a dad.

28:55 Adam So look, here's the thing. She had a dad that was literally gone quite a bit. And when he was there, he's probably emotionally gone. And they cheated on mom and she got a lot of weird issues about that. And she got depressed, got the weight on. She is.

29:13 Drew She's got the genetic hand down there.

29:15 Adam All right. So now it's time to join the living.

29:19 Caller Pretty much. Yeah, that's exactly.

29:21 Drew And you still aren't looking for a relationship. You just want to have sex.

29:23 Caller Yeah, pretty much. I'm not looking for a relationship because I'm 21. And I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. So it's like, why jump into that?

29:30 Adam Well, look, you're never ready for a relationship.

29:33 Caller I know, but I know that I still have a lot of time together.

29:42 Adam You know what? Kristen strikes me as one of these chicks who yells at the guy, give me head, and freaks the guy out.

29:48 Drew Right. Right. Absolutely.

29:51 Adam You know, once in a while the chick calls head, calls it head on them, and it's weird.

29:55 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

30:01 Adam You mind if I smoke while you're giving me head?

30:05 Caller She'd be like, just grab, grab the ears.

30:11 Adam Got some energy too.

30:12 Drew Yeah. There you go. It takes all kinds.

30:15 Adam It does. Hey, Kristen. First off, no using the S word on the radio. That's the beauty of you.

30:29 Sorry. Inappropriate.

30:31 Adam You scare me now. Don't talk too fast. The MF or the N word. Who knows what could come flying out of you, baby.

30:39 No kidding. No kidding.

30:40 Adam Yeah. She's losing.

30:42 Caller I'm a big ball of inappropriateness.

30:45 Drew And maybe some pot.

30:46 Adam Smoke a lot of weed too.

30:48 Are you psychic?

30:50 Drew We know it.

30:52 Adam We know it.

30:54 Drew We hear it. You know what this is? This is like a bipolar weed user. That's why.

31:01 Adam Usually, here's the thing. We didn't say weed in the first few minutes we talked to you because that weed doesn't hit you with that kind of energy. You're bipolar and do the weed. Now the weed laugh doesn't lie.

31:13 Drew You got the weed laugh.

31:22 Caller Woo! I'm happy you guys are getting to chuckle out of it.

31:25 Caller You've been laughing harder than.

31:32 Caller Dale is telling you what this is.

31:34 Drew Alright, listen.

31:35 Caller Are you diagnosing me? Do I need to see a doctor? I've always thought I've had problems. People are always like, no.

31:41 Adam Don't listen to those people.

31:44 Drew Especially if you're smoking pot all the time. This impulsive sexuality and stuff, you may be happier getting leveled out a bit. Level that mood out a bit. God bless. Takes all kinds.

31:59 Adam It really does. Oh, man.

32:02 Drew Lord have mercy.

32:03 Adam Can I keep my penis far away from that? Jesse?

32:10 Drew Jesse?

32:12 Adam Oh, Jesse's been on hold for 60 minutes. Jesse?

32:16 Hello?

32:17 Adam You're 13. What's up, champ?

32:19 Caller Hi. I was just wondering what an orgasm was.

32:23 Adam Uh, it's when you... It's a Japanese-bent paper into swans and other animals.

32:31 Drew into swans and other animals.

32:35 Adam Oh. You don't know? Jesse? Jesse?

32:41 Drew Biggest stop-over came.

32:43 Adam He's home-schooled. You're gonna find out a couple of months. In the middle of the night. It'll come like a thief in the night. Steal the semen from your sack. All right.

32:55 Caller Oh, that home-schooling.

32:56 Adam I don't know, Drew. I hear people defending home-schooling all the time.

33:01 Drew Yeah. I don't know.

33:03 Adam I don't know either. It just seems weird to me. And by the way, as a parent, don't you want your kid to F out of the house? Get up in the morning.

33:12 Drew I want them to be socially competent.

33:15 Adam Yeah.

33:15 Drew And that takes a lot of experiences.

33:18 Adam Yeah. Like put it this way, we're going to have a whole generation of home-schoolers we're going to have to deal with, and I don't want to hang with them. Do you know what I mean? And from a parenting standpoint, I don't know, it's just kind of...

33:34 Drew Although I've met some great kids that are home-schooling. I have.

33:36 Adam You know, once in a while one pops up, but just in general, you just got to go take your lumps. Or deal with not taking your lumps. Or avoid taking your lumps. Or just get the hell out there. It's a good feeling. You have to have some autonomy and some independence.

33:51 Drew Well, right, and that's the sort of message giving these kids is you can't handle the real world, so I'm going to take care of it for you.

33:57 Adam Well, especially when they go to school and some bully calls them fat so they go home and it's like, alright, well, there'll be no more of that. Now we just lock the door, draw the drapes, and take a look at the Duquesne projector. We got a show filmed. What the hell do you do? And look, no one even needs school for the learning part anymore. You just watch the History Channel, you're fine. You watch Discovery Channel, you learn everything. You just sit on that computer, you learn everything you need to know. You absolutely do. Everything I've learned, I've learned outside of school. This is just warehousing. Krista?

34:30 Yeah.

34:31 Adam You're 19?

34:35 Caller I haven't been with anyone for about two years now. And I am gay, but I've also been with men. But my question is, I was abused as a child and throughout my...

34:50 Drew I was going to say, Krista, what happens very often with abuse history is that people will go through periods of hypersexuality and then periods of deprivation. And those periods of deprivation are often sometimes as rewarding as the hypersexual. None of it is real, none of it is what you're really looking for. It's all sort of a way to try to control overwhelming feeling states. But yeah, you'll tend to fluctuate in this bipolar mode between supersexual and compulsively sexual and then compulsively abstinent and depriving.

35:20 Adam Oh wait, I just put on hold because their phone cut out again and now it's back up. Yeah, Krista. Okay, but what's the question?

35:29 Caller Well, I want to know, is there any way I can get over it? Because honestly, I mean, I want to be able to have a relationship with somebody and right now, I can't do it.

35:40 Adam What was the abuse?

35:41 Caller Several reasons. I had a lot of self-esteem issues.

35:46 Drew What kind of abuse did you suffer?

35:48 Sexual abuse.

35:50 Drew Who did it?

35:55 Caller My mom's friend's son, he did that. But what they did was made me feel bad.

36:03 Adam Well, look, how about some therapy, Krista?

36:05 Caller Well, I've gone to therapy. I've actually been diagnosed with several different things and they don't know what they're talking about.

36:10 Adam Well, then you're screwed.

36:13 Drew How is it that professionals who are heavily trained in these areas don't know what they're talking about?

36:16 Caller I don't know. It seems to me that they're just trying to do, I don't know, because they give me medication and tell me to be on my way. And I don't like medication. It hasn't done anything for me.

36:28 Adam Well, look, Krista, here's the thing. You don't need to go, I keep belching up garlic, sorry about that.

36:34 Drew Did they diagnose you with PTSD?

36:38 Caller My last diagnosis was actually OCD.

36:41 Adam Here's what I want to say to all the Kristas of the world. And I don't know if Drew agrees with me on not being a doctor, but here are your choices when you're F'd up. You can contain yourself by getting up early, going to work, having goals, exercising, and not doing anything harmful to yourself or anybody else, and conducting yourself the way you should in any relationship, whether it's social or interpersonal or a sexual relationship. If you do all that, fine. You don't need to shrink.

37:12 Drew Right.

37:12 Adam If you can contain yourself.

37:14 Drew But if you have symptoms.

37:15 Adam But if you have symptoms and you can't control them, then you need to. I mean, I guess it's the same as a medical doctor, which is, hey, if you're not having any shortness of breath and you're not sweating profusely and you feel good and you have no trouble getting out of bed in the morning and you're healthy, then you don't need to go to the doctor.

37:33 Drew That's right.

37:33 Adam But you got a big lesion bust out on your forehead. Now you got to head in. So it sounds like something busted out on Chris's forehead. That's all I'm saying. And if you've been where Chris has been, you need therapy. And where's the goddamn bullet train? Where is the goddamn bullet train?

37:52 Drew Never comment.

37:53 Adam Where is it? Where is it? I got to fly that F in Southwest Airlines.

37:57 Drew Oh, tomorrow.

37:58 Adam Tomorrow morning.

37:59 Drew Oh, you're not doing that again.

38:00 Adam Yo, out to Vegas. Where is the bullet train?

38:06 Drew I was at the airport at six o'clock on Monday morning, and there was a line down the street in front of the Southwest Terminal.

38:13 Adam Where's our bullet train? Oh, look, I have it at my bar. Can you be the only goddamn airline that doesn't reserve a seat two months in advance? What's the strategy?

38:27 Caller Let me just say this.

38:28 Adam Please, somebody give me an answer to this. You tell me how much it's going to cost to get my ass from Burbank to Vegas and back. Make a number. $200, $300, $250, whatever it is. Then I pay you that amount. Set them out. If I don't show up, I don't show up. Then an empty seat goes to Burbank and Vegas and back and that's it.

38:52 Caller You got my $250.

38:56 Adam We can't agree on that. We can't agree on that. I got to pay you in advance and hustle my ass over there so you don't get my goddamn seat away? What the effing strategy is that?

39:08 Caller Just what's it going to take? Just you set them out and that's it.

39:12 Adam I'll pay you and then let me then treat me like a human being.

39:16 Caller Give me a seat.

39:17 Adam Oh, you're in the C category. Oh, oh, hell broke loose because I was listening to my headphones and, you know, I had my C carry my my C boarding pass and mistakenly walked into the B and had to be stopped and pulled out of line. Even though, you know, I didn't I'm not going there for a funeral. I didn't have some cousin kick off. I didn't OD last night and I'm hopping on a plane. I've been going to Vegas with that godawful Southwest for two months.

39:45 Caller I can't buy the ticket two months in advance and just get an F in seat.

39:49 Adam Oh, I swear to Christ. Doesn't anyone go to and there are decent airline that goes there and who's got a bullet train? Where's my bullet train? They've been building that goddamn bullet trains that have been in high school. No, they haven't. Then where is everything? What goes on in this state? How come we don't have anything? Why does everything suck in this state? How come I got a garbage man who won't pick up anything and no bullet train anywhere? No mass transportation. The side of the freeway looks like hell. Why is everything hell in this city?

40:20 Drew But you got good meter maids.

40:21 Caller Laughing time is over.

40:22 Adam Jesus Christ. It's the only goddamn efficiency in this whole F in city of these meter maids. Why doesn't anything work? Why doesn't anything look nice? How come there's nothing decent? Every park is just one big pile of Mexicans in a heap of dirt. What the hell is going on? Jesus F in Christ. I want my bullet train.

40:45 Caller Tomorrow. It will be there.

40:46 Adam All right. I got to hustle. I got to leave for the airport now. So South West doesn't give away the ticket I bought four months ago.

40:52 Caller Jesus Christ.

40:53 Drew Head out to DeVore. That train will be waiting for you out there.

40:56 Adam We'll be back.

41:01 Caller So get your problems ready.

41:06 Drew Loveline.

41:07 Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. Let's go.

41:12 Adam Let's go. Hey, everybody. It's Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Where's my bullet train? Where is it? Shane?

41:36 Yeah.

41:37 Adam You're 25?

41:38 Caller Yeah. I made your cranberry sauce.

41:41 Adam Oh, really? Now I'm in a better mood.

41:44 Caller You know, I always bought the canned stuff. I never even knew you could make that.

41:48 Adam That's what I'm talking about. That's why I'm on the radio.

41:53 Caller I didn't even know they sold the real cranberries, you know. I heard it, I saw them, so I grabbed them.

41:59 Adam There's some kind of weird government plot to not let people find out that there are such things as whole cranberries, that they come in sacks, and that nothing is easier.

42:10 Caller It's almost like-

42:11 Adam Listen, that making my, and you stop me if I'm wrong, Shane, but back me up if I'm right. That making fresh cranberry sauce is the same amount of work as making a bowl of oatmeal.

42:25 Caller Oh yeah.

42:25 Adam Well, yes.

42:26 Caller Or ramen, I guess.

42:27 Drew Top ramen. Ramen.

42:28 Adam Yeah, you boil water, you put in an ingredient, you stir a little, and that's it.

42:34 Drew It's almost like we had a campaign of the anti-culture culture for a while. We like things processed. We like things canned.

42:41 Caller We like things pressed out, but vacant.

42:43 Adam We didn't do it with anything but the cranberry sauce.

42:46 Drew Look at our architecture from 50 to 75.

42:49 Adam When I started bringing, I brought that stuff, I brought that stuff with me a couple of years ago to my Aunt Pat's house, short hair in the fanny pack. And I said, she opened that can. I said, no, no, thank you. I pulled my own Tupperware out. She gave me the stink eye. Tell you something, I got some dignity. Shane? Yeah. So it was delightful, right?

43:10 Caller It was good. The only thing that I liked about the canned stuff is that consistency, like how it's so.

43:16 Drew The jelly.

43:17 Adam Yeah, right.

43:18 Drew Yeah, you like the jelly. We'll pull out some jam then, or jelly.

43:21 Caller Right, no, but it doesn't compare. I mean, that stuff's great. So I almost felt weird making it before Thanksgiving, but I ate some of those things. I guess I ate a cup of sugar too, but.

43:32 Adam Yeah, but listen, let me say this. First off, okay, it's one sack of cranberries, one cup of sugar, one cup of water. But you don't have to put a whole cup of sugar in. As a matter of fact, if you like it a little bit more tart, you can start with two-thirds of a cup of sugar. That's more of about right, because they always tell you, it's always a little too sweet and a little too salty and a little too whatever. We start a little lighter. If you want to sprinkle a little more sugar, stir a little more sugar and it's no problem. It's easily done. But start with two-thirds, maybe three-quarters a thing of sugar. You're not going to miss it. And it has a little bit of a tart flavor to it. All right, let's talk to, hey, Mazel Tov, though, Shane. Katie? You're 19?

44:15 Caller Yes. I was just wondering, I actually took a pregnancy test recently, too, actually, about a week apart, and I smoke marijuana on a daily basis. I was wondering if that could have anything to do with the outcome of the test, which was negative both times.

44:33 Drew Not that I'm aware of. I don't believe so.

44:36 Caller Is there anything else I could, I mean, anything that I can eat or anything?

44:42 Caller Some people will call it on the package.

44:44 Drew The E.P.T.s and tests out there, they call themselves the foolproof test. It can't be adulterated.

44:51 Adam Why? You think you're pregnant?

44:53 Caller I don't, but I've never been this late before. I'm probably, I'm usually through at the end of the month. So I'm about three, three and a half weeks late now.

45:02 Drew Well, that happens all the time.

45:04 Adam It does. Well, she's 19 too, pretty young.

45:07 Drew All the time. Are you on any kind of birth control?

45:10 Caller No, none whatsoever.

45:12 Drew Well, you've lost a little much of weight. Are you very physically active?

45:16 Caller Yeah. My job is very physical.

45:20 Adam What do you do?

45:21 Caller Rodeo clown? I ship books, contractor licensing books. I lift like 40 pound boxes all day and I do all kinds of heavy lifting.

45:34 Caller Smokes pot all the time.

45:35 Drew Yeah. There are many other reasons to be late for your period other than pregnancy. I would go ahead and retest yourself, but it's unlikely.

45:42 Caller Should I visit the doctor if it comes up negative again?

45:44 Drew It could be ovarian cysts. It could be a lot of different things, none of which are serious, or at least most of which are not serious.

45:50 Caller All right.

45:51 Drew Okay.

45:51 Caller Thank you, Dr. Drew.

45:53 Adam Good times. Good times. I took that contractor's license test once. Yeah. I failed the racist part and the ass crack part.

46:05 Drew You're no good at either of those things.

46:07 Adam I'm pretty racist, but not not as racist as they would like.

46:10 Drew I'm too hairy to see the ass crack.

46:14 Adam I think they have a minimal is two and a half inches. I had like two and three eights, two and seven sixteens. I just, I just got burned. Yeah, it's tough. It's tough.

46:24 Caller But it takes all kinds.

46:25 Adam Yeah. The template doesn't lie. I mean, once they drop the ass crack depth thing in there, it just doesn't lie.

46:30 Drew There you go.

46:30 Adam All right. I took it like a man. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

46:36 Caller Here it is.

46:36 Caller Bottom line, it sucks being single today.

46:39 Caller Tons of lame people and no decent prospect.

46:41 Caller Call the Dateline.

46:42 Call the Dateline. Call the Dateline.

46:44 Caller 1-877-889-DATE. Loveline will be right back. So get your problems ready. Ready.

47:18 Adam Yeah, oh yeah, that's Dr. Drew over there. Rob Schneider coming in here, Bobby Schneider, good kid, good kid, good kid is older than me, good kid. Coming in Sunday, Good Charlotte.

47:32 Drew Hey, when Good Charlotte get here, don't say, hey, come back every night if you want.

47:36 Adam Oh yeah, they will. They want to come back every night. Oh, they did come back.

47:39 Drew Yeah.

47:40 Adam Two nights in a row, Good Charlotte.

47:42 Drew Actually, I really liked that.

47:42 Adam Blink 182 going to be in the Hisi on Tuesday, then Ron Livingston's coming in here, and then Thanksgiving off. Oh, thank holy Christ. We got that Thanksgiving off. I love that Thanksgiving. So let me tell you something. Once you become literally a millionaire, literally, literally a millionaire, everybody, I'm literally a millionaire, and you have a super cheap family, it doesn't get you any crap anyway, and the Christmas just becomes a pain in the ass, and it all, holidays get judged by what you can eat. You see what I'm saying? As I can't, as the only one in the Corolla family who's literally a millionaire, there's nothing, Christmas is no good. It's just about disappointing others. Do you see what I'm saying?

48:31 Drew Why don't you crack it out for your family someday at the party house? Just get a caterer and do it up for them.

48:36 Adam No.

48:36 Drew No.

48:37 Adam They don't deserve it.

48:38 Drew That's true.

48:39 Adam I got to pay them back by not paying them back.

48:42 Drew I understand.

48:43 Adam You understand?

48:43 Drew It's payback.

48:44 Adam It's payback. Yeah. But here's the point. I'm not getting anything for Christmas. No one gets anything, anybody, my family. My wife just gets me something that someone else told her to get me.

48:53 Drew Let's not get each other anything.

48:55 Adam No, no. We're not getting anything.

48:56 Drew Please, thank you.

48:56 Adam Okay. Really? No, we don't get anything for each other. But here's what I'm saying. Thanksgiving, no pressure, no gifts. All you do is focus on eating and football.

49:07 Drew Nobody gives gifts on Thanksgiving. That's all anybody does is, I don't know if you're aware of this because all your holidays don't include gifts, but no one gives gifts on Thanksgiving. Everyone focuses on football and pie.

49:16 Adam I know, Jack. Yes, that's what I'm saying. That's why I'm saying I like Thanksgiving.

49:20 Caller Okay, got it, got it.

49:22 Adam It's all the chow of Christmas, none of the pressure.

49:25 Drew I see, I see.

49:26 Adam See what I'm saying?

49:27 Drew Yeah, I got it. None of the disappointment.

49:30 Adam I'm not disappointed. Other people are disappointed. Your wife's gonna be disappointed.

49:37 Drew On Thanksgiving?

49:38 Adam No, on Christmas.

49:39 Drew Oh, she doesn't get certain things.

49:41 Adam The kids, they're all gonna be disappointed, all gonna be looking at you. I don't know when somebody decided that we didn't need stuff. Do you know what I'm saying?

49:50 Drew Yeah.

49:52 Adam I don't know how I painted myself into that crappy corner with everyone I know, but that whole, don't worry about Adam, which is fine. Don't worry about me. Drew, you're the same way, right? Don't worry about you. But here's the other edge of that don't worry about me sort. I don't have to worry about you so much.

50:07 Drew Only if you're in the Geneva Convention with one another.

50:10 Adam Yeah, you and I are fine.

50:11 Drew We're fine. But Anne, Anne, watch out.

50:14 Adam We gotta get her a salad bowl. Didn't we get her a salad bowl one year? Why'd we get her a salad bowl?

50:20 Drew It's her birthday.

50:21 Adam What'd she want a salad bowl for?

50:23 Drew She's very happy with it though. Just keep doing it.

50:27 Adam Sure it's still in her car.

50:29 Drew Eva?

50:30 Caller Hi.

50:32 Adam You're 22? What's up?

50:35 Caller I have a question for Dr. Drew. I just went in for my first ever pap smear, the whole breast exam, everything like that. Yeah.

50:46 Drew Come on.

50:49 Caller Oh, yeah. Well, my doctor said I came out, they tested me for everything. I came out clean and everything, except he was doing the breast exam and everything said he found a lump in my breast. He wanted me to come back two days after my period.

51:08 Drew Right.

51:09 Caller I was just wondering why that is.

51:11 Drew Your breast can get cystic around the time of your period and it's tender. It's not a big deal. I'm sure it'll be gone. I'm sure it's just a plain old cyst. But it's a very, I'm glad your doctor's being very, very careful and watching carefully. It's good.

51:25 Adam What's up with you, Eva? Where are you from? Where are you from? Where are you from? You sound...

51:34 Drew Latin American.

51:35 Adam You sound, it's hard, you almost sound like you have an accent, but it just could be affect.

51:40 Caller Oh, no, I'm from United States my whole life.

51:45 Drew I really get Latin American, don't you?

51:47 Adam Well, it's just, there's a little bit of a staccato.

51:49 Drew Yeah, yeah.

51:49 Adam What are you doing? You going to junior college?

51:54 Caller No, I work full time.

51:56 Adam Where do you work?

51:57 Caller I am a bartender and I'm a massage therapist.

52:01 Adam Oh, massage therapist. That means you're crazy. Yeah, all massage therapists are nuts. I don't know what that is either.

52:12 Caller How that works.

52:13 Adam No, yeah, you are. But that's both, that's a good gig. Yeah.

52:17 Drew Both good gigs.

52:18 Adam Both good gigs.

52:19 Drew If you're a guy.

52:20 Adam Yeah. I swear I'm not.

52:22 Drew Imagine if you had those when you were 22.

52:30 Adam Both, both, I just, I just love the, I just love that tip. I just can't get over that massage tip that, yeah, the old lady's got to go down to Burke Williams, get a 45 minute massage. What's that gonna cost me? That's 110. And then a $30 tip. Why the $30 tip? Well, they make their money off the tips. Well, why don't they just whack up the 110 bucks they made for the 45 minutes? Yeah, the ownership keeps that. Once the ownership should give them some of that. No, no, they make their money off tips. That's great, Drew. I just want to do, I want to start a business. I want to start a huge business, a huge big warehouse business where everyone just gets, I don't pay anybody.

53:15 Drew They're gonna tip.

53:15 Adam Oh, you want your bags? You gotta tip the guy. It's all tipping. I don't pay. Even though I charge 110 bucks an hour, I don't pay. They tip. That's how they make their... I just think that's a ruse that's perpetrated by the massage therapist. I think they get 20 bucks an hour. I mean, look, they're charging 110 bucks for 15 minutes. They don't get 25 bucks out of that. They don't get 20%.

53:42 Drew Of course they do. But they don't make their money. Tip comes, the tip is tax-free. Really, it's a government scam, really, you're a dada.

53:51 Adam Right?

53:53 Caller I'm just saying.

53:54 Adam If the guy's giving a massage and he gets 30 bucks out of the 100 bucks, he just made 30 bucks an hour. That's fine with me.

54:01 Caller I don't need to tip him for another 30 bucks.

54:03 Drew He just made 90 bucks an hour.

54:05 Adam I know that's how they make their money. All right, all right. I know I just sound like an old prick, but I'm just saying, it always drives me nuts. Guy goes out, you run a guy around a hardware store, cutting up the lengths of chain for you in glass. He hands it to you, you give him nothing. So Homo walks in your back for 10 minutes, you gotta give him 30 bucks.

54:26 Drew Breast cysts are very, very common. They're smooth. The doctor would have felt something different if it was a tumor. They can get more pronounced in around the time of the period. So he's doing being very, very compulsive to check you out, make sure it's nothing. If you feel something again, he will get an ultrasound or possibly even a mammogram.

54:39 Adam Come on, Drew, let's try to stay on the topic of tipping and lesucist.

54:43 Drew Got it.

54:44 Adam Rachel?

54:45 Yes.

54:45 Adam Yes. You're 23?

54:47 Caller Yes.

54:48 Adam What's the matter?

54:50 Caller I may be pregnant for the third time and I've had, well, no, not for the third, be for the sixth time. Yeah.

54:59 Drew Sixth time?

55:00 Caller Sixth time.

55:01 Drew What's going on, Rachel?

55:03 Adam You've learned your lesson, that's the important part.

55:06 Caller I've had two children and I've had three abortions. The reason is because I was with my ex-husband for, since I was 15.

55:15 Drew Oh, that explains it.

55:16 Caller Yeah.

55:16 Drew Yeah, you got that, Adam? She's been with her husband since 15. That's why five pregnancies.

55:20 Adam I see, you had sex.

55:22 Caller Mm-hmm.

55:23 Caller Okay.

55:23 Caller That's why the pregnancy. But now, I'm not with my ex-husband anymore.

55:29 Caller Right.

55:29 Caller And so now I'm maybe pregnant. Sure. Not with, well, it wouldn't be his, but it'd be somebody.

55:38 Drew Our question, of course, is why not some contraceptive, for Christ's sake?

55:45 Caller Because, I don't know.

55:47 Adam Ah, you're a lesson. Rachel, you're stupid.

55:50 Caller Yeah, I know.

55:51 Adam That's all right. And not everyone's a genius. And by the way, this whole like, well, everybody's smart and every, no, they're stupid people. That's how you know, that's how they're smart people. They're short people. That's how there's tall people. That's not, everyone, everyone's not six, eight. They got some five, there's some five tours out there.

56:08 Drew Yeah, but there's one thing to be able to solve the Schrodinger equation, it's another to be able to just take care of one's hygiene and basic health needs.

56:14 Adam Yeah. Schrodinger equation. Is he a basketball player? Hey, Rachel? All right, so you're dumb. But that's all right.

56:23 Caller No, I guess my question is.

56:24 Adam Doesn't mean you can't be a half-decent mom.

56:27 Caller No, not at all. Actually, there's all kinds of different things going on in my life right now. And that, because I'm afraid that another abortion would hurt me chemically and balance me.

56:42 Drew You mean make you fertile, infertile rather?

56:45 Caller Yes.

56:46 Drew That wouldn't be such a bad thing.

56:49 Caller Not really. The depression part.

56:54 Drew Did you have depressions after your previous abortions?

56:56 Caller After my previous one, I got really, really bad.

57:00 Drew That is a piece of the biology that no one highlights, that women after an abortion, even early in the pregnancy, can have an extreme letdown. Your body is in a different state when it's pregnant, and when you go from pregnant to non-pregnant, there can be a real depressive syndrome. And people want to believe it's psychological. Well, of course, there are psychological aspects to it, which is, you know, I killed somebody, maybe I didn't, am I ambivalent, am I a good woman? But more than that, and very little made of this, there's a significant biological shift. I almost hit it, see, I hid that one from you.

57:30 Adam I don't know if you hid that one or not, I heard it.

57:32 Drew Tapped it and hit.

57:33 Adam Wasn't looking at you. Go ahead.

57:36 Drew Yeah, so, yeah.

57:37 Adam Yeah, yeah, of course. Your body's going into spitting out of baby mode, and then all of a sudden it's out.

57:42 Drew Yeah, even early in the pregnancy, people don't make much of that. So Rachel, if you do decide to have abortion, you can A, make sure that you're followed very carefully by someone with expertise in treating postpartum depression. The other option is to have the child and give it up for adoption.

57:57 Caller Yeah, I know that with my with my last baby, I had I was planning on doing that, but I couldn't do it because I had carried it.

58:04 Adam And yeah, I mean, how about how about we give your kids a break and have them raised by Cigar Store, India, a carved wooden Indian so we can have some real parenting instead of your screwball parenting. Hey, hey, come on.

58:21 Caller That's not cool.

58:22 Adam Please, you're screwing your kids up. Get your ass together. Where's their biological dad?

58:29 Caller Well, he's off in a rehab somewhere.

58:32 Adam All right. Really?

58:34 Caller That's why I'm... Actually, wait a minute. The one right now or...

58:38 Drew Yeah, all right, the one right now. Give us the one right now.

58:41 Caller He is at work right now.

58:44 Adam All right, wait, do you do speed?

58:47 Caller No, I'm just really nervous right now.

58:48 Drew I don't get attic from her.

58:50 Adam He's at work. Where's he work?

58:51 Drew I get co-dependent.

58:52 Adam By the way, it's a bad thing when you work and it's 1130, wait a minute, where it work?

58:59 Caller Like you said, scratch that.

59:01 Drew It's a bad thing. No, no, no, reinforce that.

59:03 Adam Yeah, it means the career is not going as good as it could.

59:05 Drew Bad thing.

59:06 Adam Yeah. You don't see Kimmel and Leno sitting behind these mics, do you? Hell no.

59:13 Drew One of you is so irritable and yelling about fast trains and Southwest Airlines.

59:17 Adam Well, the bullet train. Here we go.

59:21 Drew Take line one.

59:23 Adam Okay, so what? Getting an abortion. No, those kids.

59:27 Drew Follow carefully.

59:28 Adam Tag those kids and follow them around. Nikki? You're 29? What's happening?

59:36 Caller I'm wondering if there is such a thing as a seasonal depression.

59:40 Drew Oh, absolutely. It's called seasonal affective disorder and it's due to the lack of the diminished light exposure during the shorter hours of winter.

59:48 Adam For me, it's when football season ends.

59:50 Drew Adam gets a profound depression at the conclusion of the Super Bowl, immediately following.

59:55 Caller Oh, I see.

59:56 Adam Sometimes in the third quarter, depending on how much I bet.

59:59 Drew There are actually light therapies out there for people that have documented a seasonal affective disorder where you sit in front of a light of a certain frequency, for a certain intensity and take light therapies. It actually works.

1:00:12 Adam You can grow a pot on your head too.

1:00:14 Drew And the other thing, what?

1:00:15 Caller Does this affect someone as young as possibly like five and up?

1:00:20 Drew If somebody is having, what's happening?

1:00:22 Caller Well, my daughter is eight and for the last two years, last year it wasn't so bad, this year it's getting worse. Towards the evening, it seems like it happens after the summer ends, the fall has begun. Around bedtime, sometimes early at six o'clock in the evening, she'll start saying that she's got this bad feeling and she'll get real depressed acting and she'll cry and she's just real, it's really strange and I'm wondering where it came from and what I can do for it.

1:00:53 Drew It's not uncommon for people to start to feel sort of dread as night approaches and having to deal with another day and get to sleep and get anxiety.

1:01:00 Adam Does she not like her school or where she's going the following morning?

1:01:03 Caller You know what, she doesn't like her new school, we just moved to Long Beach. And she was doing this before at the school that she loved. So I don't.

1:01:12 Adam And she was, and so even though the following day she was going to go to a place she liked, she was having dread that evening?

1:01:19 Caller Yeah, yeah.

1:01:19 Adam Is she having bad, is she having bad dreams?

1:01:22 Caller Not that she remembers. If she's having a nightmare.

1:01:25 Drew No trauma in the middle of the night? Anybody getting hauled out of bed or No. earthquakes or anything?

1:01:29 Caller No.

1:01:31 Drew Never in her life, there's never been a serious something go down.

1:01:34 Caller I don't think so.

1:01:36 Drew And has she ever been exposed to any trauma of any type? Do you aware of at any point?

1:01:42 Caller No, not that I can think of.

1:01:44 Drew Everybody's together, dad's around.

1:01:47 Caller Well, dad wasn't around for a while. We were divorced, but he's living with us again.

1:01:51 Drew Well, what happened when the divorce occurred?

1:01:54 Caller This was three years ago.

1:01:55 Drew When she was five, when this all started, and what happened?

1:02:01 Caller Alcoholic, you know, usual story.

1:02:03 Drew Nikki, that's not a usual story, that is trauma. And that's what you're dealing with here.

1:02:07 Adam Usual story. Usual story on this show.

1:02:10 Caller Yeah, well, you know.

1:02:12 Drew Nikki, no, you know nothing. You've got these major issues, major interpersonal and mental health issues in your family system, and it of course manifests in your child. Why don't you get the child some help? Actually, I don't believe seasonal affective disorder has been described in children. I don't know for a fact that it has not. But clearly, your husband's alcoholism, and God knows what went down when he was drinking, and what he might have done to her.

1:02:36 Adam Yeah, well, what, at least what she may have been exposed to. Right. Why is he back?

1:02:44 Caller He's getting his life back together. He's going to school, getting a job, doing the things that he should have done a long time ago.

1:02:50 Adam You guys back together? Or is he just crashing on the sofa?

1:02:53 Caller No, we're back together. He's living here and he goes to school. And I just graduated from college. We're just trying to build the life that we thought was supposed to be there all along.

1:03:04 Drew Get your daughter evaluated. So this earlier the interventions, the better. You always want to try to intervene by eight if you can. And if you let this go undelt with, you're going to be sorry in the long run. It's going to have a long term impact on her.

1:03:17 Adam And then some kids are nutty, what are you going to do?

1:03:20 Drew Yeah, this has every reason to.

1:03:22 Adam Yeah, some people have a little stronger constitution than others. Don't worry, she'll land on her feet or she won't. I'm really starting to think, I'm just starting to think that people just, they just head off on some trajectory when they're five years old and that's about it.

1:03:36 Drew No, you can change it.

1:03:37 Caller Yeah, you can.

1:03:39 Adam Landon?

1:03:40 Caller Hey, Adam and Drew, hey.

1:03:42 Adam You're 17, what's happening, brother man?

1:03:44 Caller Well, first I just like to say, I called the show about two years ago and you guys helped me out a lot and so now I have another question for you guys.

1:03:54 Adam Sure.

1:03:55 Caller Um, what's up is, I'm a virgin, I haven't really done much at all with a girl, really anything, but um, something came up last weekend where this girl I know, she asked if I wanted to just have casual sex, no strings attached and I thought like, sure, every guy's dream, but uh, now I'm having like second thoughts, like this is my virginity, I'm not sure what I want to do, I'm just, um. You're pansy.

1:04:23 Adam You're virginity.

1:04:24 Drew Rather a guy taking it.

1:04:26 Caller Well like, I don't know, I've always kind of been more like sensitive and feminine.

1:04:31 Drew Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

1:04:34 Caller Then, I don't know.

1:04:36 Adam Uh, maybe you like the fellas.

1:04:38 Caller No, I definitely am not. No? I'm sure that.

1:04:43 Adam You're doing a lot of beating off? What are you thinking about?

1:04:49 Caller Just girls, usually.

1:04:51 Drew Do we look at magazines or something? Porn?

1:04:54 Caller Usually online, yeah.

1:04:55 Adam Online?

1:04:56 Caller Online.

1:04:56 Adam What's your bag? Like the big chucks?

1:04:59 Caller Um, just anything. Just like the usual normal...

1:05:04 Adam Really? Not dialed in, huh? I'm surprised that guys don't dial their balls in a little bit.

1:05:11 Drew Their specific taste.

1:05:13 Adam You just sit there and sort of catch catch can. No.

1:05:17 Drew That's your breath, for god's sake.

1:05:18 Adam I eat a lot of garlic.

1:05:21 Drew Dial it in.

1:05:22 Adam You just sit there and hope some good porn lands in your lap. I mean, it's a weird thing. Like, what do you do when you when you like you're on the computers like generic porn? Like, you know, big jugs, big natural juicy hooters, black, you know, black and white, you know, taboo, lesbo, whatever. You just like nude. Is that that's what it is?

1:05:50 Drew I guess that's what he does.

1:05:52 Adam Oh, man. I couldn't hang with this guy. Landon? Yes. We couldn't hang.

1:05:58 Drew He's from Florida.

1:06:01 Adam Oh, we couldn't hang.

1:06:03 Drew Landon, here's the deal. If you don't want to do this with this one girl, that's fine.

1:06:06 Adam What does she look like?

1:06:08 Caller She's pretty attractive.

1:06:09 Adam I'm pretty attractive. You're attracted to her.

1:06:14 Drew Yeah.

1:06:14 Caller No.

1:06:15 Drew And no medical problems?

1:06:17 Caller Well, I was born with a birth defect.

1:06:22 Drew What kind?

1:06:23 Caller Stuttering? Cleft palate? What?

1:06:26 Drew What kind?

1:06:27 Caller I was born with one ear. It's called, I think, Golden Horse Syndrome.

1:06:33 Drew But no development of the other ear. Just not just the outside, the pinup, but the actual ear itself is gone.

1:06:38 Caller Well, it has, like just the skin sort of grew over it, so it's just my right ear isn't there.

1:06:44 Drew The outside of it?

1:06:45 Caller The outside of it.

1:06:46 Drew But the hearing apparatus is there?

1:06:48 Caller Well, I can't hear out of it either, so I don't think I have an outer or middle ear, but I have an inner ear there.

1:06:54 Adam So is your equilibrium isn't screwed up?

1:06:57 Caller My equilibrium is screwed up. I usually can't localize sounds and I can only hear out of the left side.

1:07:02 Adam I think Drew has that. He makes him punch the mic.

1:07:05 Drew Cerebellum problem.

1:07:07 Adam Alright, so listen, Landon, two things. First off, you gotta grow your hair long so no one knows.

1:07:15 Caller I have a fake prosthetic ear. I just got it made by the chief of disguise of the CIA. So it looks almost like a normal ear.

1:07:25 Drew Do you glue it on, like stick it on?

1:07:27 Caller I have clips on the side of my head. It clips on really tightly.

1:07:31 Drew Interesting.

1:07:33 Adam We got to keep talking. This is interesting stuff. Get about your hymen. Although maybe you could have one of those installed. Put that in my wife. You get yourself a wife. You get the chief of the CIA. So we got a lot of stuff to talk about. First off, if some chick finds out that your ear is missing, you don't tell them it was some sort of problem you were born with. You tell them you lost it in a knife fight. Or you didn't pay off a bookie.

1:08:02 Drew It was a mafia thing.

1:08:03 Adam Afghanistan.

1:08:04 Drew You were there.

1:08:06 Adam And what they would do is the Afghanistan rebels there, they would collect the ears as trophies. And after a fire fight, where your whole battalion was taken out, and you were overrun by these Afghani rebels, you cover yourself in blood and body parts. Shush up. Yeah, no, quiet. You cover yourself in blood and body parts as your only chance of... Don't worry, you mow down 70 or 80 or them, but you cover yourself in blood and body parts as the only way you could survive. And when they came to claim your ear, it took all the fortitude you had not to cry out as they were cutting it off with a bowie knife.

1:08:51 Drew Pretending to be dead with all the rest of your troop who were dead.

1:08:54 Adam You were dead, but you couldn't so much You couldn't so much as squint as the guy was slowly gnawing off your ear with his gun, with his bayonet.

1:09:04 Drew Good times.

1:09:05 Caller Yeah, now that takes fortitude.

1:09:06 Drew And that was number one. Number two? How does he know the director of the CIA?

1:09:09 Adam Yeah, how did that work?

1:09:11 Caller Well, sort of like, he isn't the director now, but he was the chief of disguise he used to be, and now he sort of works on, at his own business, sort of making prosthetic eyes, noses, faces, ears.

1:09:26 Drew That, to me, really sounds like something out of a fantasy movie.

1:09:30 Adam Would you call him a master of disguise? Not one of these guys you hear about is just sort of mediocre at disguise, or mid-level disguise guy. He'd be a master?

1:09:43 Caller I guess.

1:09:44 Adam Okay. And so they made you an ear, and I guess the ear they made you must have just been molded off of your good ear, right?

1:09:52 Caller Yes.

1:09:53 Adam Yeah. And then the way they... And it's made out of silicone?

1:10:01 Drew Latex probably.

1:10:02 Adam Latex, silicone, or what?

1:10:03 Caller Yeah, the second one, silicone.

1:10:06 Adam Silicone.

1:10:07 Caller Made out of that, and I have this gold bar on the side of my head that the ear clips onto.

1:10:13 Adam They gave you an implant? Yes. And it's just pure gold? And it's into the bone?

1:10:21 Caller Yes, yes.

1:10:23 Adam Hold on a second. Drew, who's the doctor?

1:10:25 Drew Into the bone.

1:10:26 Adam Drew's like, I did it, baby.

1:10:28 Drew No, I said, Louis said latex and silicone.

1:10:30 Adam What did I say?

1:10:31 Drew Silicone.

1:10:32 Adam And what did you say?

1:10:33 Drew Latex and silicone.

1:10:34 Adam And what did he say?

1:10:35 Drew Silicone, he knows. I'm sure he has latex on it, too.

1:10:37 Adam He said silicone. And then I said, you tapped the gold bar into your bone, and Drew shook his head feverishly, no, and he said yes. What else do I know that Drew doesn't know?

1:10:49 Drew They screw that into your bone?

1:10:51 Caller Yes.

1:10:52 Drew You're sure of that?

1:10:53 Caller I used to have three clips or rods that they put into my bone, but then it rejected one, so now I only have two. But I'm positive that...

1:11:03 Adam Yeah, they couldn't just let it float on the skin. It wouldn't stay. They got to tap it in.

1:11:07 Caller Yeah.

1:11:09 Adam And so they tap it in, and then you snap the ear on.

1:11:12 Caller Yes.

1:11:13 Adam Oh, my God. You'd be great at parties. Landon, come here. Come here. Do that Shakespeare thing where you do that romance and they lend me ears. Do that one. Do that soliloquy.

1:11:26 Caller That's just great.

1:11:26 Adam Come here. Oh, it's awesome. Okay, listen. You need to have sex with this girl.

1:11:33 Caller I guess.

1:11:36 Adam Just have sex with her.

1:11:38 Caller You sure?

1:11:39 Adam We got to use a condom.

1:11:40 Caller Oh, yeah, of course.

1:11:42 Adam And look, maybe you like her.

1:11:44 Caller Well, she made it explicit that she doesn't want to have any kind of relationship. She's not at that point right now that like it would just be a little weird for Landon.

1:11:53 Adam Oh, you do like her.

1:11:55 Yeah.

1:11:55 Caller Like, I'm afraid I'm going to get too much.

1:11:58 Drew Okay.

1:11:58 Adam She gonna break your heart.

1:11:59 All right.

1:12:00 Adam Don't have sex with her. Let her blow you.

1:12:02 Drew Have a relationship, though. Find somebody. Maybe this one. Maybe convince this one. She'll be intrigued, by the way, if you go, no, I can't do it without having a relationship with you. I've got to get to know you first. She'll hate it and then she'll be intrigued. Yeah.

1:12:14 Caller Then she'll be ready. Yeah. Yeah.

1:12:17 Adam All right. And you can date her. And then if she she breaks your heart, you can, you can Show that ear down her throat. No, no, no. You'd be like Van Gogh.

1:12:30 Drew Send her the ear.

1:12:30 Adam You snap the ear off. Put it in the mail.

1:12:34 Caller Give her the return return bottle up, give her a give her Van Gogh.

1:12:40 Adam All right. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Oh yeah! Oh yeah, I love Lion, that's right. Bobby Schneider in here on Sunday. Dear, dear friend, you know, Ms. Rob Schneider, he's he's I don't know what he's plugging. I just got Deuce Bigelow 2 he's working on.

1:13:13 Drew Is it coming out now?

1:13:15 Adam I don't know. I haven't seen anything on it. Good Charlotte is going to be in here on Monday. Dear, dear friends, Good Charlotte. Dear, dear friends, Blink 182 on Tuesday and Ron Livingston from The Cooler coming out. All right. You ready to rock here, Drew? Let's go.

1:13:34 Caller Yeah.

1:13:35 Adam You're 19?

1:13:36 Caller Yeah.

1:13:37 Adam What's up?

1:13:39 Caller Okay. I went to Planned Parenthood a couple, like a month and a half ago, two months ago, and you know, I just wait for like a regular checkup and they called me back and told me that I had something called HPV.

1:13:53 Drew Warts.

1:13:54 Caller Warts.

1:13:55 Drew Right. They're like half of the other 19 year olds in Sacramento. It's a common thing.

1:14:01 Caller Well, how like, are they removable, do they go away? Like what?

1:14:07 Drew No. They're a certain percentage of the wart virus will put you at increased risk for cervical cancer and so you have to be screened more carefully and they have to do, they will do various little procedures on the cervix if they find abnormal cells, the little colposcopy and may have to do more advanced procedures to remove abnormal cells if they're there. And all you gotta do is stay on top of this. Make sure that you're seen very, very regularly and so these things are, as they pop up, as they crop up, are taken away. And if there are any visible warts, they should be removed as well as that sort of increases the concentration of the virus. But as I said, a certain percentage of these will persist and those are the ones that will put you at increased risk of cervical cancer and a certain percentage also will spontaneously go away on their own, takes about five years. The problem, though, is you're always contagious with this and you have to be very careful.

1:14:55 Adam They take all kinds. That's all good.

1:15:02 Drew Dorothy, is that you? Nicole.

1:15:08 Adam What's happening, Mamacita?

1:15:10 Caller Sorry about that.

1:15:14 Adam Yeah.

1:15:14 Drew I should say.

1:15:15 Adam Home from Riverside.

1:15:18 Caller My fiance, when I first met him, his penis kind of curved to the left just a little bit. If you put it on a clock, it was between the 11 and the 12.

1:15:30 Adam Oh, hold on a second. I like the idea that you used the clock because most chicks don't know the clock thing. It always drives me nuts. Chicks will never use the clock for direction, but it's good.

1:15:44 Drew Is that a gradual curve to the left, or is there an abrupt curve at the tip?

1:15:48 Caller Well, now there's an abrupt curve. It's bad now. Between the 9 and the 10 now.

1:15:55 Drew And it's just right in the middle of the shaft? It heads over or towards the tip?

1:16:00 Caller It's an easy curve.

1:16:02 Drew An easy curve, yeah.

1:16:04 Caller It's not just at the tip, but it completely does the whole thing.

1:16:11 Adam So it went from 11.30 to about 9.30? Wow, it's heading into prime time, Drew.

1:16:18 Drew Are you aware of him having had any trauma to the penis?

1:16:24 Caller Not that we know of.

1:16:26 Adam Turn your radio. He never slammed it in a cab door or anything like that? Uh-uh.

1:16:39 Drew So this is an acquired Peyronie's type syndrome. Sometimes vitamin E will help.

1:16:43 Adam How old is he?

1:16:44 Caller He's 21.

1:16:47 Drew 800 units a day of vitamin E will be helpful. And sometimes these things have to be surgically.

1:16:51 Adam Drew, when your dork makes its move, when does it make its move? It's still making its move between 17 and 21 or something, right?

1:17:01 Drew It's growing.

1:17:03 Adam Oh, that's a lot of garlic on that one.

1:17:05 Drew Jesus God. Oh my God.

1:17:07 Adam That's all right. There's a little coffee in there too.

1:17:09 Drew Oh, nice.

1:17:10 Adam Yeah. And I ate some dookie. So listen, now I'm just saying she knew what? Two years ago and it didn't have much curve. And he was like 19 and still there's some movement. Oh, come on, buddy. I don't know. Why is it Belch worse than a fart?

1:17:27 Drew Because it can include the very distinct vomit smell.

1:17:31 Adam Is that what it is?

1:17:32 Drew And if it's a hefty brew down there, it's vomit plus.

1:17:36 Adam I just think it's more of a novelty, like the fart worm was used to.

1:17:41 Drew No, that's just that's a putrid smell. That's the bacteria smell. The vomit is that horrible, horrible.

1:17:47 Adam Yeah, I know. I just once in a while, some guy will Belch and blow it in your face. And it's just it's worse than the fart. I don't know why.

1:17:57 Drew Fart is methane. It's a specific thing.

1:18:00 Adam And I feel like it's it's it's been processed.

1:18:03 Drew Yeah, it's methane.

1:18:04 Caller This is this is this is today's this is today's sink.

1:18:08 Drew Yeah, it's visceral.

1:18:09 Adam The fart is like, yeah, it's yesterday's. That's yesterday's funk. This is today's funk. I mean, this is recent funk.

1:18:16 Caller This is new.

1:18:17 Drew This is human secretion funk as opposed to bacterial produced gas funk.

1:18:22 Adam Yeah.

1:18:22 Drew What's coming out your ass is bacterial split methane.

1:18:25 Adam Yeah. And there's something about them blowing it in your face, whereas the gas sort of permeates up through the air. But this gets blown right in your face.

1:18:35 Drew And vomit smell begets vomit feeling.

1:18:37 Adam Oh, right. Yeah. Anderson's hungover. He doesn't want to hear any more vomit talker. He may heave on the board.

1:18:45 Drew Right.

1:18:47 Adam Yeah. So where the hell?

1:18:48 Drew Oh, vitamin E. Vitamin E, 800 units a day. And be careful not to traumatize it. Maybe he's beating off that direction or something weird.

1:18:58 Adam No.

1:18:58 Drew And that's sometimes will correct.

1:19:00 Adam Kat? Yeah. Yeah. And he's got to go see a urologist, right?

1:19:06 Drew Dr. Alter.

1:19:07 Adam Dr. Alter straightened that.

1:19:08 Drew I'm going to pull out his book in a minute and see if we recognize anything different.

1:19:11 Adam Okay. Kat?

1:19:12 Caller Yeah.

1:19:13 Adam 19 has a typical Hispanic family thinks mom is pressuring boyfriend to propose.

1:19:21 Caller Yes.

1:19:22 Drew You don't think so?

1:19:24 Caller Well, I'm pretty sure because my sister is getting married, you know, she has four kids though and she's been with her boyfriend for seven years and, you know, and I'm 19 and I don't want to live the Hispanic life, you know, getting knocked up, getting forced into marriage and, you know, all that crap. So I listen to the AmeriCorps. I'm leaving in October for a year and my mom thinks that if my boyfriend proposes to me that I'll stay.

1:19:50 Drew Well, if she proposes, you don't have to say yes.

1:19:53 Caller You know, I love him to death and I'll say yes, I'm not going to stay, but I'm going to have to be engaged for a long time. But it just drives me nuts that she's doing this, you know, and, you know, I found a receipt to a jewelry store in his car and I know, yeah, I know he bought his mom some diamond earrings for Christmas. But then like, I want to look at it. He's like, don't worry about that. I'm like, well, you know, you already told me how much the earrings are, so just let me look at it. He's like, no, don't worry about it.

1:20:22 Caller I'm like, great.

1:20:24 Adam All right. Hey, did you have a Chris, what is that thing called when the Mexican chicks have their bat mitzvah? What?

1:20:32 Drew Quinceañera.

1:20:32 Adam Quinceañera. I got to write that down. I got, I swear to Christ, I got one of those going on in my house on Saturday.

1:20:38 Drew Well, somebody's. Yeah.

1:20:40 Caller No, I didn't want to do that.

1:20:42 Adam I didn't do that. I had a big ass party instead.

1:20:47 Drew That's what a quinceañera is anyway. Yeah.

1:20:49 Caller What do you think of everything?

1:20:50 Adam Did you just get paddled for two hours and drink blood?

1:20:59 Drew Hey, I'm reading Dr. Altsch's book here and it's saying for the penile curvature, if there's sexual dysfunction and pain, that's when you do the surgery.

1:21:07 Adam The, okay, so she doesn't, okay, first thing, well, first off, you've not followed the traditional Spanish route because you're 19 and you don't have three kids. So already you've bucked the system right there. Just don't get married. Take it slow. Do whatever you want. That's all. Right. If you don't agree culturally with something that your parents are into, fine. Just go ahead and you're 19. But here's the, here's the other thing too. This goes for everybody, which is you can't live there and take their money and eat their food and do all that stuff. Right. You want to, you want to not be told what to do. You can't put your hand out. Right. It's, it's like you don't want your boss to tell you what to do. Don't get paid. Don't put your hand out or quit. Otherwise, as long as somebody's paying you and that's a form of payment, you eating the food and living in the house and all that kind of stuff, then they're going to feel like they have the right to tell you what to do. And I agree with them. And when don't you feel that way, Drew? It's like, what's so different about your kids at 12 than 19? Really? If you're paying for their education, you're paying for their food and their car and their insurance and everything, of course, you got to tell them what to do. Yes. So let me tell you something. I got this quinceañera thing going on at my house on Saturday. Holy Christ. A hundred Mexicans at the house.

1:22:27 Drew They friends of yours?

1:22:28 Adam Well, as Waldo.

1:22:30 Drew OK, say no more.

1:22:31 Adam Although as Waldo is Nicaraguan, but I guess they have that over there in Nicaragua, too. Any other Latin cultures? I'm asking Chris, because he's he's as close as we got, you know, we got over there, Chris.

1:22:43 Caller No, I don't know.

1:22:45 Adam Shut the mic off.

1:22:46 Caller OK, thanks.

1:22:48 Adam You don't have to turn the mic on. Sweet.

1:22:50 Caller Turn the mic on.

1:22:51 Adam All right.

1:22:53 Caller So I'm just going to say that for four days, I'm guessing.

1:22:56 Adam I'm guessing it was a Nicaraguan, El Salvadorian or Mexico, wherever you are, you get that quinceañera thing. That's when the 15 year old Latin chick becomes a 13 year old Jewish chick. Right. Oh, boy. So he's having the thing at my house because he lives in an apartment. But naturally, he's doing it on the weekend that I'm going out of town and he has a little language barrier. So he's like, how do I turn the stereo on? I'm like, oh, Christ, you got to push around and then outdoor and then don't do that. And he's like, he doesn't understand anything. So it's tonight. I'm watching the last 10 minutes of Survivor. I'm arguing with my wife because she's like, you know, I love about women. Women are like, hey, relax. Watch the rest of the thing. And I'm like, I got to pack. I got to get my crap ready. I got to get a list together of the stuff that the guy's got to do tomorrow because I got to leave at nine. And they're like, yeah, but Survivor's on. See, must be nice. Right. So I'm on the package. There's a ringing on the gate. There's a buzz. But the thing is, who the hell is that? What time is it? 845. So I look out the front door. There's this Waldo with his entire family. He's got his mother-in-law. He's got his eight kids. There's 11 people on my stairs. It's like, well, what? And now there's no discussion with his Waldo. The last discussion was, look, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Don't worry. Don't worry. You got the house on Saturday. Whatever booze is over there, feel free to drink it up. I'll have someone come over there and show you how to do the stereo. He's got the old ladies, got the wives, got the mother-in-law. They're all standing on the stairs. Hey, Adam, hey. What are you doing? So I want to talk about the...

1:24:39 Drew Did you bring the remote control with him?

1:24:41 Adam The whole family's with him. I said, listen, Ozzy, I got to go to work. I'm packing. It's like, what, we're not going to sit down with the family and rap about the quinceañeras thing? I'm like, no, I'll talk to you tomorrow. So I felt bad, I was like, I don't know. Well, no, I don't feel. What the hell is he coming on? He's got his mother-in-law and stuff.

1:25:05 Caller He's got his whole family.

1:25:07 Adam He's in from like Nicaragua.

1:25:08 Drew You feel bad that you don't feel bad?

1:25:09 Adam I got a goddamn mariachi band on my steps.

1:25:11 Caller It's nine o'clock at night.

1:25:12 Adam I'm getting ready to go to work.

1:25:13 Caller I didn't.

1:25:18 Adam And you know, and then you know what people do. Let me tell you what people do to you. You know, they're like, so you're letting this guy in a hundred of his family and friends and people you don't even know. Just take over your house. Yeah. And you're not going to be there. No. Why are you doing that? I don't know. Aren't you worried that he's? You know what I mean? It's a luck. I'm doing it. So shut up.

1:25:44 Drew You know, the guy for years, he's Billy builds your house. He'll fix up whatever he screws up here. Yeah.

1:25:49 Adam So hack though.

1:25:51 Drew You'll make him redo it.

1:25:52 Adam So anyway, I'm having the Kinsley Ayres over at the Corolla house to be a hundred. Put on a sombrero and come over. That'll be Saturday and I'll be in Vegas.

1:26:01 Drew Good times.

1:26:01 Adam All right.

1:26:07 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:26:26 Adam Hey, yo, it's Loveline. Let's hop to the phones. Rob Schneider here on Sunday. Nicole.

1:26:39 Caller Yeah.

1:26:40 Adam You're 18.

1:26:41 Caller I am.

1:26:43 Adam What's up?

1:26:45 Caller Well, my girlfriend lives in Arkansas, and I live in Idaho.

1:26:49 Adam Perfect.

1:26:50 Drew How did you meet her? You're a lesbian. Oh, boy.

1:26:55 Caller And I've known her for two years.

1:26:59 Adam Hold on, hold on a second. Hold on. I don't know that much. I didn't take geography or anything, but isn't Arkansas in Idaho?

1:27:09 Drew No, other way around.

1:27:10 Adam Idaho's in Arkansas? I just want to get that clear. Go ahead, Nicole. How far away is Idaho from Arkansas? Oh, it's a pretty good haul, yeah? Idaho's over by the Canadian border there, and Arkansas's sort of the middle of the country.

1:27:26 Drew Southern.

1:27:27 Adam Southern middle?

1:27:28 Drew Southern, East Middle.

1:27:30 Adam Southern, East Middle, Eastern, Southern Middle? Wow, that's a haul.

1:27:35 Caller Yeah, and I recently went down there to Sear, and I spent over $2,500 because the car broke down and whatnot, and I never got to Sear.

1:27:44 Adam Have you ever seen her? I never got to Sear. How many miles is it from Idaho to Arkansas?

1:27:50 Caller It's a good 2,300.

1:27:52 Drew Yeah, I was gonna say 1,800.

1:27:53 Adam Wow.

1:27:54 Drew That's two thirds the way across the country.

1:27:56 Adam Holy Christ, yeah, that's a long haul.

1:27:59 Drew Where in Idaho are you, Coeur d'Alene or something?

1:28:01 Caller Napa.

1:28:03 Adam You drove out there, what'd you drive, just because it'll be funny?

1:28:07 Caller I drove my friend's Cabriolet Volkswagen.

1:28:12 Adam Drove a convertible out there? What year, is it an older one?

1:28:17 Caller Ninety-three, I think.

1:28:19 Adam We got a ten-year-old convertible VW, probably had 110,000 miles on it, and it blew a water pump or something like that.

1:28:26 Drew Have you ever met your girlfriend?

1:28:28 Caller I haven't.

1:28:30 Adam What broke on the car on the way out there?

1:28:33 Drew Did you pick up on it?

1:28:34 Adam I did, but I just want to know what broke.

1:28:36 Caller It's something to do with the computer system that feeds gas into the engine, I have no idea.

1:28:43 Adam Hey, hey, hey, hey, listen, fuel injection, Nicole?

1:28:47 Caller Yeah.

1:28:48 Adam If you want to be a good lesbian, you start learning something about cars, all right?

1:28:52 Caller Well, no, it wasn't the fuel injection, that was the computer part.

1:28:57 Adam Yeah, well, control the fuel injection. All right, I'm just saying, you better start learning about chainsaws, snowmobiles and automobiles. You want to be a good lesbo. And from Idaho, you understand?

1:29:09 Caller Well, I'm not from Idaho.

1:29:11 Adam Well, you're living in Idaho.

1:29:13 Caller Unfortunately, yeah.

1:29:14 Adam Yeah.

1:29:15 Drew So how is it that you call somebody your girlfriend whom you've never met?

1:29:19 Caller I've known her for two years. I've talked to her on the phone and I've loved her to death.

1:29:24 Adam Sure. I mean, you guys are thick as thieves.

1:29:28 Caller She's partying.

1:29:30 Adam Well, you drove out, so you drive out to Arkansas and she's not there.

1:29:36 Caller Not there.

1:29:38 Adam And?

1:29:38 Drew She wasn't there?

1:29:40 Caller Well, she was there, but she had family member die, so she left town and she wasn't there, so.

1:29:48 Drew She was avoiding you.

1:29:49 Caller She may be a guy for all we know.

1:29:52 Adam Didn't she know you were coming out?

1:29:55 Caller Yes, she knew I was there.

1:29:56 Drew This could be like Jimmy and Tony.

1:29:58 Adam How many days did it take you to drive out there?

1:30:00 Caller It took me two days and I stayed in Little Rock and I took three other days to go see her because her town is three hours from Little Rock.

1:30:11 Adam And then you went down there and she was gone?

1:30:15 Caller Yeah.

1:30:16 Drew No, she wasn't gone. She was avoiding you.

1:30:18 Adam She was avoiding you.

1:30:23 Drew This isn't your girlfriend.

1:30:23 Adam This is not your girlfriend. This is a fantasy.

1:30:25 Drew This is somebody who's taking advantage of you in some way.

1:30:29 Adam Okay. It was your idea to come out there, wasn't it?

1:30:33 Drew Yeah.

1:30:37 Adam Okay, and if you didn't call her for a week, would she call you? She would.

1:30:42 Drew She's getting a joke. Is it a joke to her?

1:30:44 Adam Yeah, this is a joke. Nicole, you find yourself someone in Idaho. You can do better than this. This is a fantasy.

1:30:53 Caller Well, my friend from New Jersey is actually moving here because she wants to be with me and she thinks the same thing.

1:31:02 Drew Have you met your friend from New Jersey? Nope.

1:31:06 Adam All right, you got a lot of friends you haven't met. Listen, it's better that you don't meet them because all they want to do is borrow money and throw their quinceañeras parties at your houses. Okay, listen, Nicole, I don't know what's gone wrong in your life, but you're only 18 years old.

1:31:23 Drew Are you housebound for some reason?

1:31:25 Caller I just moved into a place with my friend and moved out of my parents' house when I was 18 because we had our differences.

1:31:33 Adam Sure.

1:31:33 Drew But you're not disabled or something?

1:31:36 Caller No.

1:31:37 Adam Are you working?

1:31:39 Caller Not right now, no.

1:31:39 Adam All right, can you get a job?

1:31:42 Caller Yeah.

1:31:43 Adam Okay. All right, Nicole, you're 18, you're all right. You just get a job and just think in terms of reality. All right, baby doll.

1:31:51 Caller I was just wondering if she does move here because my friend from New Jersey says she's gonna come here and she'll be here in two weeks. Should I leave Amber to be with her?

1:32:02 Adam Yeah.

1:32:02 Caller Your girlfriend Arkansas, it's not your girlfriend.

1:32:05 Adam It's gonna break her heart, but you gotta cut her loose.

1:32:08 Caller My fantasy.

1:32:09 Drew Yeah, your fantasy's done.

1:32:11 Adam Should I leave her? I never met her.

1:32:13 Drew Never met either of them.

1:32:15 Adam All right, yeah, I wanna know if I should leave the, one girl lives 2,300 miles away or I've never met before.

1:32:22 Drew And who avoided me when I tried to meet her.

1:32:23 Adam Because I'd like to hook up with another chick that lives 1,800 miles away that I've never met.

1:32:29 Drew And by the way, the one in Arkansas is a 57 year old dude with a rodeo clad outfit or something.

1:32:35 Adam Yeah, and wait a minute, I'm trying to picture the land. Is New Jersey closer to Idaho than?

1:32:40 Drew No, it's further.

1:32:41 Adam It's further, because it's further east, right? But can't you head down the Canadian border? What do you run into over there?

1:32:47 Drew Let's just take a break, we'll talk about it.

1:32:49 Adam All right, we'll be back.

1:33:23 Drew Easy.

1:33:24 Adam 100 miles from Idaho. So, yeah, good times.

1:33:28 Drew Yeah.

1:33:30 Adam All right, I wanna thank-

1:33:31 Drew Her friends coming out.

1:33:32 Adam I wanna thank Junior, Junior. No, Junior, Junior- Junior producer, Lauren. I wanna thank Senior, Senior, Senior, Senior Producer, Ann. A lot of good bookings, Ann and Lauren have put together. Cypress Hill and Linkin Park, and Ann on Pink, yeah, last night. I wanna thank engineer Chris over here for giving me one of his M&Ms, even if I didn't ask. And he didn't offer. And I wanna thank Brian and Tara, don't call me Tara, goddammit, who's on her last legs over here, moving to greener pastures in just a week or so. And of course, the magic fingered one, the Liberace of the Potentiometers, Drew. Engineer Anderson. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo.

1:34:31 Drew And no medical problems.

1:34:33 Caller Well, I was born with a birth defect.

1:34:43 Caller The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Thursday, November 20, 2003