Episode 1000575391982

0:55 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

1:04 Adam I'm Adam Corolla. It's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew Bord, certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Yeah, oh yeah. Ben Stein coming in tonight, the great Ben Stein, and of course, win Ben Stein's money.

1:22 Drew Did you talk to our buddy Bobcat Goldthwait today at all?

1:24 Adam Yes, I did.

1:25 Drew And what was his excuse?

1:26 Adam He forgot.

1:29 Drew Oh, good times.

1:29 Adam He got confused.

1:31 Drew About?

1:34 Adam I don't know.

1:34 Drew Forgetting?

1:35 Adam I talked to Bobcat at Jimmy's show yesterday about four or five in the afternoon, and I said, are you coming in tonight? And he said, yeah, either me or Jimmy's coming in tonight, or both of us, and I said, well, I'll see you then. And he forgot.

1:51 Drew I think sometimes when he does too much of that voice, he starts acting like that guy.

1:57 Adam Everyone's turning on Bobcat.

1:59 Drew No, no.

1:59 Adam He's good people at Bobcat.

2:01 Drew Absolutely, I'm disappointed we didn't see him last night.

2:03 Adam All right, well, we'll see him soon. No, and then he said, am I coming in tonight? And I said, no. Nope, that ship sailed, buddy. We got Ben Stein coming in from Win Jimmy Kimmel's Money, and he's also a judge on Star Search. And let me say this, I judged on Star Search. I did a little guest appearance.

2:24 Drew It seems like Ben was asked back.

2:26 Adam No, Ben accepted the gig.

2:29 Drew I see.

2:29 Adam He does it full time. I was offered the gig. Here's the deal. There's a lot of stuff in this business where they talk about this and that's gonna ruin your career.

2:37 Drew This is one of those things?

2:39 Adam This is one of those things, because you'll perpetually be a judge. But let me tell you what being a judge means. And let me tell you, this sounds like a bad career to anybody we're listening to. And it is listening to us. The show is live. The Star Search.

2:53 Drew Live, live.

2:53 Adam Live, live.

2:54 Drew To sit down, cameras go on.

2:55 Adam One hour long. Starts at, I don't know, six in the evening out here. Maybe seven in the evening. Goes for one hour. And I don't care if Arsenio Hall is lynched, catches on fire, is raped with a mop handle. It's still over in an hour. Still over. All these things, by the way, I would give a high score for if I was judging.

3:15 Drew If you saw that happen? Yeah.

3:16 Adam Okay. Now, here's what you do. You sit there and you just put a puss on while some nine-year-old black chick sings her ass off right for you, to you, or some other kid is tap dancing, or there's some acrobatic team from China or something. They're going nuts. And then at the end, and they tell you before, you only got about two seconds. That's all you got to do. So they get to you and you go, uh, it was good, it wasn't great, I give it a four. Remember, it starts applauding, right? Hour goes by in the blink of an eye because everyone's just dancing their ass off in front of you.

3:48 Drew You speak four times.

3:48 Adam You speak four times for a combined total of 17 and a half seconds. And at the end of it, a guy gives you $10,000 and says, can you please come back and do more? And a gift basket, the windbreaker and a candle. And you go, I don't know if I want to ruin my career. You may not have to get 10 grand a day for work in an hour, and it's not just an hour. It's an hour and 20 minutes because you got to get the makeup on. And I get my own trailer and everything. I mean, hell.

4:18 Drew Where does it film?

4:20 Adam Films up the street. Films at the Hollywood Center Studio where we used to do Loveline and the Man Show.

4:26 Drew Where you know every security guard, every parking lot.

4:28 Adam Drive on, park in my own space. You know what I mean? Yeah. We should all have our careers ruined that way, by the way. And this is the only business, by the way, where people go like, sure, you'll be rich for not working, but you'll be ruined. Your career will be ruined. Like, is there any other career where someone is going to give you 10 grand for about an hour's worth of work and offer that gig to you, where you just sit there and get pampered, have someone put makeup on you and get you a perrier, and they give you 10 grand. It's like, yeah, you're ruined, buddy. Ruined? That's my kind of ruining. That's the gig I want. I want to judge. I want to judge. I'm going to talk to Ben about doing that. All right.

5:07 Drew Wait, but you turned it down.

5:10 Adam I turned it down because I was doing the ABC thing, but soon. Here's the thing about judge, too. I look at judging as a nice hammock under a shady tree that's waiting for me. Sure. Just waiting. I like the ride out.

5:21 Drew You climb in at any time.

5:22 Adam Climb in somewhere in my 40s and lean back and just spend 20 years judging. Eventually, put on a ton of weight, start wearing a turtleneck and one of those fat guy Dom DeLuise hats and grow a big beard.

5:34 Drew I start laughing at everything.

5:36 Adam I laugh when I clean everything because I'm really high in prescription mats.

5:40 Drew Or you could be Orson Bean. You could become just very erudite, wear white button down shirts.

5:44 Adam Yes, I'll start speaking with an affect, like an English affect and wear a dickie or possibly an ascot and a Navy blazer. Either way, I'll still have the fat guy hat though because it will be like a signature thing. I'll start doing a thing where I'll start carrying a cane or something. Something that's sort of some affectation that I carry around. I'm going to work on this Drew and then I'm just going to coast through life. Here's the thing too, once you establish yourself as one of those guys, one of those old game show guys from the 70s, you can wear the same outfit every day. No one says anything. You have to. It becomes like a bad superhero outfit.

6:21 Drew It's your uniform.

6:22 Adam It's your uniform.

6:25 Drew Family Guy did something tonight that was one of your bits. I don't know what it was. All right.

6:29 Adam Elliot? You're 18?

6:32 Caller Yes, I am.

6:32 Adam What's up?

6:33 Caller Well, I just want to say I've been a fan of the show for a while. I've been listening to the tune of Five Years.

6:39 Adam Worked to the tune of it.

6:41 Caller Yes, I did. All right. So my question is, I would like to...

6:45 Adam Hold on. I just thought of one of the... You know, I got that big long list of things that I want to do before I die. Having my hands registered as weapons, diving into a body of water with a knife in my mouth, that kind of stuff, having a cape removed from me. You know the one more thing I decided today? I want somebody in my group, after I greet a group of reporters and say, hello, yes, yes, I'm good, I'm good. And then they all start shouting questions.

7:14 Drew Tell me no more questions.

7:15 Adam Yes. Somebody yells, thank you. Thank you. No more questions. No more questions. As I walk away. I don't say no more questions. Someone in my entourage yells no more questions as I walk away. I'm going to work on that, too. Maybe the same guy removes my cake. Elliot?

7:29 Caller Yeah.

7:30 Adam Sorry. Go ahead, Ben.

7:30 Caller It's all good. I want to know if there have been any recent developments with the male birth control and if you guys think if there was, if people would really take it.

7:39 Drew What made you ask this question?

7:41 Caller Well I'm doing a speech on this in my communications class. I'm going to Cal State Long Beach.

7:46 Drew I strangely did a piece on this for CNN tonight. Yeah. There was this new study out of Australia where they proved the contraceptive efficacy over a couple of years of a combination shot of progesterone and little testosterone pellets like, like a.

8:02 Adam Boring bit.

8:03 Drew That they put under the skin of the man and say they get enough testosterone and they shut them down with the progesterone. And this.

8:09 Adam Wait a minute. They used the progesterone.

8:11 Drew The progesterone shuts the pituitary.

8:13 Adam The progesterone is the female.

8:15 Drew It's a female hormone that has.

8:17 Adam But it's not, it's not estrogen.

8:19 Drew It's progesterone.

8:20 Adam Okay, but let me, let's get something straight. Testosterone male hormone.

8:25 Drew Yep.

8:25 Adam Estrogen female hormone.

8:27 Drew Progesterone female hormone.

8:28 Adam Progesterone female. Does male have a second hormone?

8:32 Drew We have adrenal hormones that have androgenic activity.

8:35 Adam But they have two big ones.

8:36 Drew DHEA.

8:37 Adam They have estrogen and progesterone.

8:39 Drew We have one big one.

8:40 Adam We have one big one.

8:40 Drew Yes.

8:41 Adam We have one medium one. Medium to small one. Okay, go ahead. So they give you the progesterone to shut down the sperm. Right.

8:49 Drew But that also shuts the testosterone down.

8:51 Adam Right.

8:51 Drew So they give you testosterone back.

8:53 Adam But doesn't the testosterone?

8:55 Drew Restimulate the sperm production.

8:57 Adam Yes.

8:57 Drew No, it probably even suppresses it more.

8:59 Adam Really?

9:01 Drew The thing and this particular, the idea is ultimately there will be a shot that a guy takes every three or four months. And in this particular pill, it actually increased their sex drive. Yeah. So we're thinking, so my...

9:11 Adam Well, it increased it because they...

9:13 Drew They were overshooting probably in the amount they were given them.

9:15 Adam No. I mean, because they were on the birth control, it was like a car or a movie or something that was going to get returned. They did the work. They wanted to use it. When I rent porn, I beat off twice as much because it costs money.

9:29 Drew Probably, actually, it's just too much testosterone.

9:32 Adam So if I beat off once, the one time cost me six bucks, but I beat off like 70 times, it's like three cents apiece.

9:38 Drew That's nice. You see what I'm saying? You're a genius at math.

9:41 Adam Oh yeah.

9:43 Drew But I bring that up because that seemed to motivate the guys to use it, although, I got to admit, what I think I brought up is I've been working with Trojan for a while to try to get them to find ways to get guys to use condoms and practice safe sex. It's almost impossible, A, to get guys to cooperate with that. B, get a guy into a doctor every three months. What in the world is that going to happen? That's the other part.

10:02 Adam And then C, guys are just going to be taking band-aids and cutting them into weird shapes and sticking them on their arms and eating a pez in front of a chick on. Oh yeah baby, you're safe with me.

10:14 Drew That concerns me too. However, we could raise a new generation to be used to this kind of thing and to be more responsible. We've certainly put the burden squarely on women. To the extent where it's kind of shocking, because I was reading the side effects and going, no, no, no, guys never do this, and I thought, think about what the women put up with these pills.

10:31 Adam I know.

10:32 Drew They're not going to gain weight, they're moody, they're periods all over the place.

10:34 Adam Here's the ironic thing. The only guys you're going to get to take those pills are the gays who don't need them. Do you know what I'm saying?

10:41 Drew I think I do.

10:41 Adam A gay guy would be very sympathetic and do that. A straight guy doesn't want to do that.

10:45 Drew Responsible.

10:47 Adam Sympathetically responsible.

10:48 Drew It's like with recycling.

10:49 Adam Right. Gays recycle. Let's face it.

10:54 Drew Good times.

10:54 Mm-hmm.

10:55 Adam You ready to keep rolling here?

10:56 Drew Yeah.

10:56 Uh-huh.

10:57 Adam One day I'll tell you the group that doesn't recycle the most.

11:00 Drew Who?

11:00 Adam I can't say. It's too racist. It starts with an M. Right now it's with an N.

11:07 Drew You are.

11:08 Adam I can't do it. I can't do it. I work with them all day.

11:12 Drew It's an accent.

11:12 Adam I beg them to do it. Yeah. And that's all I'm going to say. If I beg them, they can't do it. Tyler?

11:18 Yep.

11:19 Adam You're 18?

11:21 Caller What's up? Well, I'm dating a girl who I'm best friends with her brother.

11:28 Adam All right. I'm annoyed. The connection's bad. Tyler's bad. The phone's cutting out. Tyler, hang on until I get more patience. Bill?

11:37 Caller Yeah.

11:38 Adam You're 17?

11:39 Caller Mm-hmm.

11:39 Adam What's up?

11:41 Caller Well, I'm kind of...

11:44 Adam This is my new policy. Jason?

11:47 Caller Yeah, how's it going?

11:48 Adam Good. You're 21. What's your question?

11:51 Caller My question is for Dr. Drew. I just want to say long time listener, first time caller. I'm kind of going bald on top of my head here, and I want to know the actual long term effects of Rogaine, if there's any side effects that that might have on my actual hair if I stop using it.

12:06 Drew If you stop using it, the hair will probably fall out again.

12:09 Caller Does that mean if I start using it, I have to use it for the rest of my life?

12:13 Drew You have to keep using it. Yeah, Propecia is the only thing you can do.

12:15 Adam Well, wait a minute. But stopping using the Rogaine doesn't make your hair fall out, it just goes back to where you were.

12:22 Drew Yeah, it's not as though it instantly falls out the day you stop using the Rogaine.

12:26 Adam No, but I mean it's not like the Rogaine even had anything to do with it.

12:29 Drew Right.

12:30 Caller Right. Okay, now, so you think Propecia is a better alternative now, or is there any herbal remedies that I could use?

12:38 Adam They say to use the Rogaine and the Propecia in concert with each other.

12:43 Drew If you really want to get some effect. Believe me, look, if there were easy, natural ways to do it, people would know about it, right? It would not be a secret.

12:52 Adam Yeah, Propecia and Rogaine, evidently, is the thing to do, and they're probably, they're making pretty good strides in the transplant program.

13:01 Drew Yep.

13:01 Adam I think.

13:02 Drew Yep, they are.

13:03 Adam And it's one of those things where everyone pictures hair plugs as hair plugs. It's also one of those things where you don't know if a guy had a good job or not, and I would bet you that many celebrities who you don't know, I mean, listen, if you got a couple of bucks to spend on it and you can afford to take a month off and go to Arizona and convalesce over there and nobody knows, you're good.

13:25 Caller Yeah, I mean, it's not really relevant to see it right now, but I can tell that it's starting to become a problem, and I wanted to know if there was going to be any preventive measures I could actually do.

13:36 Drew But now's the time to use the Rogaine and use it regularly, and that's exactly the kind of balling that it does a good job on, so.

13:42 Adam I wonder, what do you think is around the corner from a technological standpoint, Drew?

13:47 Drew Another, just a stronger version of the same thing, basically, with no side effects.

13:52 Adam Mm-hmm. Then I was thinking about a couple things we seem to be ahead of, a couple things we seem to be behind on. Like getting rid of rats and roaches and bugs and stuff.

14:04 Drew Behind?

14:05 Adam Yeah, seems like, and hair stuff for men. You know, guys, I mean, I know it sounds cliché, but we have been on the moon for thirty-something years now. The whole hair thing, just starting to get a handle on it. Starting to get a handle on it. And there's stuff that just seems like taller orders that we're done with, you know?

14:24 Drew Think about this, though. Think how big a deal the hair loss thing was in the 70s, when the hair was everything. Everyone shaves their head.

14:32 Adam Well, everyone shaves their head because no one's really found a good, no one's figured a good thing out, though.

14:37 Drew But if you're losing your hair today, it's just, pfft. So why?

14:40 Adam Well, I know, but like I said, I think a lot of it was just based on people not being able to do anything about it. I'm just saying, here's the other thing I want. You know the sonic things that are supposed to get rid of rats and roaches and bugs?

14:53 Drew Want them to work?

14:53 Adam I want them to work. Yeah. I mean, you see the drawing on the box, like when you're in that, when you're on the plane and you're looking at the Sky Mall pamphlet and you're looking in there and the gopher's like holding his ears and running for your neighbor's yard, like sprinting. Crazy. Anderson, make the cartoon running sound, because that's that crazy can with the corn in it. That's the sound it's making when in the rat.

15:20 Drew The can with the corn in it?

15:22 Adam I don't know what it is. No, there's another one that has a cra- it's a crazier sound than that. It sounds like a drum with a corn in it. You got that Anderson?

15:31 Drew Sorry. He's looking.

15:32 Adam No.

15:33 Drew Get the paddles.

15:33 Adam Okay, the paddles. The point is, we can't work that out. Do you know what I mean? That'd be awesome. You plug a few of those in the house. Spiders, roaches, ants, everything's just running the other way.

15:45 Drew I like when they just turn upside down.

15:47 Adam Yeah.

15:47 Drew That's the picture I like.

15:48 Adam And this big X is for eyes. I didn't know how the X for eyes thing worked, but. All right, let's keep on keeping on here, Drew. John?

15:58 John, yeah.

16:03 Adam What's- we got a guy from Boston in the background? Yeah.

16:08 Drew He doesn't care.

16:09 That's cool, though.

16:12 Adam Who's the guy in the background?

16:16 Drew Oh, well, that's good.

16:19 Adam Hey, man, remember, we didn't talk to the screeners, but ironically, we're sort of looking out for it. We were talking to producer AM before we went on the air tonight. And I was saying, I don't care what kind of questions we get, I'm just tired of jackoffs calling this show. Listen, screeners, listen to me for a second. If there's 19 guys in the background and you got some jackoffs screaming and it's noisy or the line is bad or the guy, there's a good five second count in between him answering the question you asked and the next word that comes out of his mouth, don't take the call. I don't care what the question is. I don't care if he's pregnant and on fire and about to give birth to an ass baby. I don't want to talk to him.

16:58 Drew An ass baby?

16:59 Adam I don't want to talk to anyone where there's a whole bunch of crap going on in the background where the guy's drunk, where the guy's cussing, where the guy can't form a sentence. I don't want any more of these. Drew, I'll be the caller.

17:09 Drew Yeah.

17:09 Adam Go ahead. You start.

17:11 Drew Adam, I can't tell all of these. He's from North Carolina.

17:15 Adam Hello?

17:15 Drew What's up, Adam? What's your question?

17:18 Adam Loveline?

17:19 Drew Yeah. Hey, what's your question?

17:21 Adam I got a question for Drew.

17:22 Drew Whatever. What's the question?

17:24 Adam Drew? Mm-hmm. I'm 17.

17:29 Drew This is where I put you on hold.

17:30 Adam Yeah.

17:31 Drew Boom.

17:31 Adam Don't want that guy, screeners. They got to be fast. They got to put it together. We got to move here. I got a new policy.

17:38 Drew Move your ass.

17:39 Adam Shake your ass. Shake your ass. Tori?

17:46 I'm a first-time caller. I just want to know, like, why I'm a sex fiend.

17:50 Adam Yeah. This is what I'm talking about.

17:54 14.

17:55 Drew 14.

17:56 I'm really horny.

17:59 I've had sex about 150 times.

18:02 Drew 14.

18:03 Adam 150 times.

18:04 147.

18:06 Drew Oh, I beg your pardon.

18:07 Adam How many different guys?

18:08 Three.

18:09 Adam Three?

18:10 Drew How old were you when it all started?

18:13 Adam Cool.

18:13 Drew How old was that guy?

18:15 He was only 13.

18:17 Adam Wow. And were you ever molested, raped, abused?

18:21 No, actually I wasn't. I had a pretty good life.

18:25 Adam Pretty good. Where's your dad?

18:27 Actually, I'm living with him right now.

18:29 Where's your mom?

18:31 In California.

18:32 Drew Why is she not in your life? How old were you when that happened?

18:39 About four.

18:40 Drew And why didn't you live with her?

18:46 She thought she wasn't going to be responsible enough.

18:49 Drew Does that make for a good life? A mother that abandons her kids?

18:54 Well, I have a stepmom.

18:56 Drew How's she?

18:57 Right now. She's still sort of my stepmom. They haven't got a divorce yet.

19:04 Drew So he's leaving this woman too. How is she?

19:07 She's really good. I consider her my actual mom because she's raised me most of my life.

19:14 Drew Which is great. However, the bond you had with your first mother, the separation, has a huge impact on you.

19:22 Adam Now, normally young girls who are sort of acting out have issues with dad, but it's probably worse what went on with your mom, truth be told. So do you want to slow it down a little bit, Tori? Well, you could just keep your legs together and not do it so much.

19:44 Drew How about seeing a therapist or seeing somebody that's, you know, it's obviously starting to bother you and eventually it will bother you a lot. You're looking for solutions, you're solving problems from your past by means that are ultimately not going to work for very long. And do you have any history of bipolar illness in the family, manic depression?

20:06 No. Well, my brother, yeah, he went through a depression time because like he was really connected to our mom and he was like nine years old when they separated. And so he got like anxiety, I don't know.

20:20 Drew What was up with her that she left? What was her problem?

20:23 They just always got sighs and drugs.

20:26 Drugs, she was a drug addict.

20:27 Adam I'm not able to take care of you means I'm just more into drugs than I am into your kids. That's what that is. Alright, so that's a horrible thing to happen to a four-year-old with mommy.

20:40 Drew Do you do drugs?

20:41 Actually, I've only tried pot two times but I never really got high.

20:48 Adam Alright, so be careful. You have a boyfriend right now?

20:50 Yeah.

20:52 Drew How come you have two other guys?

20:54 Adam No, that was before. How old is your boyfriend now? That son of a bitch. You guys using protection?

21:04 Yeah.

21:05 Drew What are you using?

21:06 Condoms, and my friend went to play in the parent home for me. She's fifteen now, and she got me all this stuff.

21:16 Drew What?

21:17 Birth control and stuff.

21:19 Drew You're taking somebody else's birth control?

21:21 Well, because I can't go in without my parents knowing.

21:25 Drew Why?

21:25 I don't know, I just heard it.

21:27 Drew I believe you can at fourteen.

21:29 Adam Check it out. I don't think they're going to call or do anything.

21:32 Drew I believe at fourteen you can. But look, you're taking somebody else's medicine. What pill are you taking?

21:36 Um, oh crap, I haven't taken it for a while.

21:41 Drew You haven't seen it for a while, so you're not taking it?

21:45 All right.

21:46 Drew Oh, Tori.

21:47 Adam Tori.

21:47 Yeah.

21:49 Adam A little therapy would be nice, but certainly just slowing down on the sex would be better. So it feels like you're trying to fill some sort of hole, pardon the graphic pun, that has no bottom on it.

22:05 Drew That's what that is.

22:07 Adam And just feels good, but it does feel good when the dirt is being shoveled in. It's just you have to constantly shovel. Eventually it back wears out because you're on it. Jesus Christ. God knows what I would have done if I had that chance.

22:20 Drew Hopefully you're out of a vagina.

22:23 Adam Yeah.

22:24 Drew It would have been like, I see a picture of you in that reconstruction manual. Not because you were switched over. Just to repair what you did to it.

22:33 Adam Yeah, I mean, I was depressed and miserable and had a crappy childhood and crappy family and all that stuff when I was young too. But if chicks started knocking on my door, like, you know, if I was 11, 12, 13 years old and it was like a knock on the door on some hot 15 year old chick who wanted to party. Yeah. And then, you know, then her friend wanted to party too. And as I got older, 12, 13, 14, it's like more parties, more chicks, more attention.

23:01 Drew It'll be even more satisfying that because the guy would make it. He would say anything you wanted and make you feel wanted and loved.

23:08 Adam You think I'm beautiful? You like my Brillo head? Really? Wine coolers. Thank you. What do I owe you?

23:15 Drew You pay such attention.

23:16 Adam On the house.

23:16 Drew No one's ever paid attention like this.

23:18 Adam You're going to buy me a 40 ounce beer? That's great. All right. You got a moped? Well, let's go.

23:24 Drew You'd be a celebrity.

23:26 Adam That's what that is. Now.

23:30 Drew Cervical celebrity.

23:32 Adam That wasn't the case at all. Meanwhile, my wife was listening to the show last night for some inexplicable reason when Kimmel was on here talking about me cramping in the shower. It was great. She hit me with that before I left today.

23:50 What did she say?

23:52 Adam Is it true? Bobcat brought it up too. Is it true you cramped in the shower and mashed it down with your heel? And you know, I like my, here's how you can tell when I'm lying, when I give one of these answers. I don't know about that.

24:13 Drew That's not even lying. That's you temporizing. That's my heel.

24:18 That's what that is.

24:21 Adam My heel?

24:22 Drew I thought you'd answer. No, my toes.

24:25 Adam It's the kind of lie that they do when they bust the guy at the transmission shop for once in a while, 2020, or Dateline sends some elderly couple in a motor home that's all rigged up with cameras into some podunk town to have their transmission fluid replaced. They get footage of the guy whacking it with a claw into the hammer. And then John Stossel goes in there two days later and goes, is it true you fixed this car? And the guy shows him the receipt and he goes, I'd like to show you something. And they open that little clam shell monitor and the guy watches video of him taking a hammer to the old guy's transmission. And then he looks up and he looks down and he just goes, I don't know about that. That just always means there's really no response. They never give in. They should give in. They never do. It's just, I don't know about that. Sort of like the dog from Did she mention the Duke? Davy and Goliath.

25:25 I don't know Davy.

25:27 Drew Did she mention the Duke? You left to welcome her home?

25:30 Adam She did. She brought that up to her. Next thing out of her mouth. That's why my Delaya Flush is going to work great for the guys who like to talk. For the man on the go. On the putt. Likes to talk on the phone and Duke at the same time. Ben Stein coming in here in just a couple of few. He's doing Jimmy Kimmel's show tonight. I wonder how they booked him. That's a good booking. Anderson. Take a quick break. We'll be right back. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Ben Stein gonna be in here in just a couple of few.

26:19 Drew They've been put a very kind comment on my book, you know. I know my book is sitting there waiting to be read by you, and you've read the cover several times.

26:26 Adam Let me see, I got Drew's book right here. It says, this book does not suck. Nice. That's quite a compliment. Ben is going to be in here. He's got a book to plug. You can buy Ben's book and Drew's book. I'm proud to say I've almost never read a book. That's what keeps me so sharp. That's how I keep my edge, Drew. I do appreciate or I'm always amused how stupid people think I'm stupid because I never went to college and never read a book. I guarantee I'm smarter in all you put together. Thank you. If we're on an island somewhere, you would want me on that island with you.

27:10 Drew Yes, sir.

27:11 Adam Thank you, Drew. I'd build us a lean-to.

27:14 Drew Think about the two of us being there.

27:16 Adam I can crap about anywhere.

27:18 Drew And big.

27:19 Adam And big.

27:19 Drew As I found out last night.

27:20 Adam We can lash them together.

27:21 Drew But make a raft.

27:23 Adam Make a S-Rap.

27:24 Drew Get off this damn island.

27:25 Adam That's right.

27:26 Drew But I could take care of your medical needs. You could build a house.

27:30 Adam Drew, we could start a family. We could try, at least. We got to get on an island. Jenny.

27:40 Drew Yeah?

27:41 Adam And Drew, you don't need no TV set with me. I never stopped talking.

27:44 Drew Yeah, oh yeah. Yes, I've had a few tastes of that.

27:48 Adam Go ahead, Jenny. What's up?

27:50 Oh, am I on?

27:51 Drew On an airplane, if we're together on a plane.

27:57 I actually had a question. I know it's going to sound really stupid. But I heard, OK, I had this friend who said that this one girl, I know it's like through the grapevine, said that she had gotten pregnant by one guy. And then she got pregnant by two guys. Is that actually possible for a human female to actually get pregnant by two different guys?

28:21 Adam At the same time?

28:23 No. Like, OK, first she got pregnant by one guy, and then she said, oh yeah, I'm pregnant. And then she goes have sex with another guy, and then she somehow has another baby. And so that's they say.

28:36 Adam When I said at the same time, I didn't mean both dorks were in her simultaneously. I meant she's somehow carrying two? I'm not sure what her question is.

28:46 Drew Let's keep going.

28:47 Adam But let me just do this. Obviously you can get pregnant by two different people if it's nine months apart or so. So that she's not asking. She's asking, could you have twins in 1B?

29:00 Drew Yeah, but the way she's asking it, it sounds like I'm three months pregnant and then I'll start another pregnancy three months into this one.

29:06 Adam Jenny?

29:06 Drew How did she know she was pregnant in the first place?

29:09 Apparently, she went to a doctor and said that she was pregnant.

29:14 Adam Ask us your question again.

29:16 Okay. Can you be pregnant by two different guys, have twins?

29:21 Adam Have twins. That's what I said. Well, one is one guy's baby and the other is the other guy's baby.

29:26 Yeah.

29:27 Adam No.

29:27 Is that possible for a human?

29:29 Drew I guess there is a technical possibility if it just happened that there were two eggs released and you had sex with two guys within two days of one another.

29:39 Really?

29:39 Drew But you wouldn't know you were pregnant. You'd get pregnant simultaneously with both, but I've never heard of such a thing.

29:46 See, that's what I was saying.

29:48 Well, that's not possible.

29:50 Drew Once you are pregnant, there are no more eggs released. That's it. That's it. That's it. It's over.

29:59 See, that's what I was saying.

30:00 And he goes, oh no, oh no.

30:02 Adam And I thought, what do you care? What do you care?

30:05 Because I heard that cats can get pregnant by other, female cats can be pregnant by more than one male cat.

30:14 Adam That's true. And alligators lay eggs and bury them on the banks of the Mississippi.

30:20 Oh, great.

30:22 Adam All right. So what do you want? You heard that?

30:25 Drew You heard that?

30:26 Adam That's what I heard.

30:28 Drew You heard that a woman could bury her eggs and give birth to them?

30:30 Adam No, I just heard an alligator.

30:31 Drew A man like you would come by and rain some semen on the eggs?

30:34 Adam Just heard that's what alligators do and didn't in any way correlate that to human beings.

30:39 Drew Of course.

30:39 Adam Just like you shouldn't have done that with cats. But let me ask you this, Jenny.

30:43 What?

30:45 Adam Junior college or food industry? Oh, great.

30:48 You're saying I'm stupid.

30:49 Adam No, I'm just curious. Hold on a second. Shocking! I am shocked! Alright, junior college and waitress. What do you do? Do you have a part-time job?

31:06 I have a full-time job.

31:08 Adam Full-time job.

31:09 Drew What do you do? What do you do for work? No sort of amazement that Adam picked both those things out of the blue?

31:24 Adam It's nothing more gratifying than this show. No more gratifying thing than talking to stupid people.

31:31 Drew Wow.

31:31 Adam Let me explain something about stupid people. Stupid people are not impressed unless they watch magic. Because when stupid people watch magic, they believe that that's actually happening, actually sawing people in half and stuff. When you talk to a person who you've never spoken to before, the only thing on the screen is it says she's from Visalia and she wanted to know if two people could get pregnant once. It says nothing about what she does.

31:55 Drew By the way, I don't think of Visalia as a place having a junior college or a restaurant for that matter.

32:00 Adam No. No. Everyone in Visalia has a sack lunch.

32:03 Drew That's, yeah.

32:05 Adam If they want to eat, you have to go across the border.

32:07 Drew The river, yeah.

32:08 Adam You have to go across the river. Here's the point. Here's the point. I just said junior college and food service, basically that way for life.

32:14 Drew You re-described her life without knowing her and she didn't...

32:17 Adam This does not...

32:18 Drew Didn't find that to be interesting. Not even interesting. Let alone amazed, but not interesting.

32:22 Adam But that's what...

32:23 Drew That was Ben Stein and now there he goes.

32:24 Adam And he's late. Here's the thing. When you're stupid, you're like a kid in that you think people should know what's going on with you.

32:32 Drew It's a grandiosity, yeah.

32:33 Adam It's stupidity meets grandiosity. Yeah, it's what kids... When a nine-year-old comes home, he starts talking about Tommy. He doesn't say, my friend from school, Tommy. He just says, Tommy says, Tommy says, and then you say who? Here comes Ben Stein, everybody. He's got a suit. I'm guessing he's wearing a pair of Vans.

32:49 Ben Stein Yeah, they're Simples.

32:50 Adam What do you got?

32:51 Ben Stein They're Simples. What are Simples? Simples are very wonderful, lightweight, very comfortable shoes.

32:57 Adam He's getting on his mic.

32:59 Ben Stein Shoes.

32:59 Adam They are. Yeah. Let me see those things. I'm doing well. I'm sorry to make such a thing about shoes. Oh, I always thought those were Vans.

33:06 Ben Stein No.

33:06 Adam See, Ben is smart. Ben is doing exactly what I was talking about doing minus the Dom DeLauise fat guy hat, which is I said that this judging is something I want to get into later in life, that this is like a hammock.

33:20 Drew You didn't say later in life. You said any time now.

33:22 Adam No, down the road. Down the road. This is not too far down the road. I said this, you being a judge on Star Search, better than anything. I say it's like a hammock under a shady tree that's just on a hillside that I'm moving towards slowly.

33:36 Ben Stein It is a very good job. I don't think I've ever had a better job.

33:40 Adam Nothing easier, right?

33:41 Ben Stein It's extremely easy.

33:43 Adam Yeah.

33:43 Ben Stein It's wonderful.

33:44 Adam It's the greatest gig in the world because you get paid to talk.

33:48 Drew But you don't talk.

33:49 Adam But the producer tells you short on time, he's going to have to keep it real short. You've got about five seconds. Right.

33:54 Ben Stein Sometimes you just hold up your fingers.

33:57 Adam It's like if you were hired as a painter, but the guy said, look, we're going to pay for a full day, but we don't got a lot of paints. We're just going to dab on just a little by the door and then no more.

34:08 Ben Stein Well, even when they do have plenty of time, you're usually not supposed to talk for more than 10 seconds or rather 20 seconds. So it's fabulous.

34:16 Adam Yeah. And you get a whole bunch of money and then you just go home and it's live. So it's real time. There's no starting and stopping. And we got technical problems and we'd like to see you try that one again. We think we get a little more energy out of the next day.

34:29 Ben Stein It's fabulous. The only problem is we don't know it's been renewed, but we don't know for how many and it may only be renewed for a few. And that wouldn't be good. We made 40 last year and that was a miracle. That was just a gift from God.

34:42 Adam And that's a ton. I mean, that is a huge order in TV.

34:45 Ben Stein It's huge.

34:46 Adam Yeah. What do you do when no one does 40 of anything?

34:48 Ben Stein It was an incredible gift from God. It was as if I had won a fairly good size gift in the lottery. It was. It was fabulous.

34:58 Adam Yeah, but your whole life's been a little bit of a gift, right?

35:01 Ben Stein It's been very much of a gift. It's been a tremendous gift. I'm glad you said that. I want to tell you something. I was straightening up my office the other day, and I came upon your tape of when you were on Letterman. And I remember that tape vividly, but it was even better than I had remembered it. It was when you were talking about how your boss, when you were working construction... Teacher. No, your boss said, run. Don't just walk. Run.

35:25 Adam That's right. He told me to go to his truck and hit the level. And as I walked, I took two steps and he yelled, run.

35:31 Ben Stein And I thought to myself, wow, is that a great summation of what it means to be humiliated in life and what it means to get revenge on the whole situation in life that does that to you. It was a fabulous...

35:44 Drew To talk about that one, Letterman, afterwards. He did that to his teachers, too, from high school.

35:48 Adam I went on... When I did Letterman, I had a list of people who needed to kiss my ass because I had arrived.

35:56 Ben Stein Right, but that one was the best one.

35:57 Adam Thank you. They're all real people. My boss from McDonald's and Mr. Gregory, who failed me from Driver's Ed, and many other people I can't even remember by now. But God bless you, Ben Stein, for watching that.

36:12 Ben Stein It's a very, very nice piece of tape.

36:14 Adam Well, thank you.

36:15 Ben Stein You're welcome.

36:16 Adam For that, I'm going to plug the book.

36:18 Ben Stein Well, God bless you.

36:19 Adam How to Ruin Your Life.

36:20 Ben Stein Your love life.

36:21 Adam I'm sorry. Your love life.

36:23 Drew And how to ruin your life. That's still for sale.

36:24 Ben Stein No, that's still very much for sale.

36:26 Adam Oh yeah, that's right.

36:27 Ben Stein Yeah, how to ruin your love life. And the next one is how to ruin your financial life.

36:31 Adam Really? So it's a trilogy.

36:34 Ben Stein They're actually going to be, I hope, even more than that.

36:36 Adam Well, the book is out. It is selling well. You can visit Ben on his website and find out about the book and where to get it and anything you need to know about Ben at www.benstein.com. Ben will be on Jimmy Kimmel Live this evening. How did that go?

36:56 Ben Stein It went fine. It went very well. We had a Bobcat Goldthwait as the co-host. You know him quite well, I'm sure. He has the most unbelievably gorgeous wife.

37:06 Adam Yes. Yes, he does.

37:07 Ben Stein Staggeringly good-looking.

37:08 Adam It makes you angry.

37:09 Ben Stein It's not even a...

37:12 Drew She was 11 when they met.

37:13 Adam It makes you angry.

37:14 Ben Stein How is that... I mean, how did that happen? You have great insights into life. How does that happen?

37:19 Adam I'll tell you how...

37:20 Ben Stein You both have great insights into life.

37:21 Adam I'll tell you how it happened. I hope Bob's not listening. His wife, Nikki Cox, is a spectacular looking woman. And Bob is... Well, Bob's Bob. That's basically...

37:34 Ben Stein A very nice guy.

37:35 Adam A very nice guy.

37:36 Ben Stein He's not Arnold Schwarzenegger.

37:37 Adam No, he is not, which we'll talk about in a second. But I think what happened was, is Bob got onto that show where he played the sock puppet, or the voice of the sock puppet, and she was the lead on it.

37:51 Drew Right.

37:51 Ben Stein Oh, yeah.

37:51 Adam And he got her when she was green. See, this happens every once in a while. The guy shows up when, you know, it's like there's a guy who's dating Anna Nicole Smith when she's still working at the chicken joint. This is the diamond in the rough. Here's what happens with women.

38:08 Ben Stein That's sort of what happened with my man and my wife.

38:11 Adam Women take, if a woman grows up in a semi-humbling environment, even if she's smoking hot at 16 or 17, it doesn't fully sink in until 19, 20, 21. There's a little, there's a little, a couple of years in there where this low self-esteem is still surpassing whatever cocaine, money, and sexual advances society is throwing at. If you can get them there, then Bobcat can trade up and really score.

38:42 Ben Stein Well, he scored unbelievably, mind-blowingly.

38:47 Adam And let me say this about Nikki Cox as well, not only a spectacular beauty, but a humble, friendly, outgoing, sweet woman.

38:54 Drew You met her the first time in Hollywood Squares, remember that?

38:56 Ben Stein She was awesome, yeah, awesomely beautiful and awesomely friendly. She used to be on the same set where we used to make Win Ben Stein's money, but I just couldn't get over her.

39:03 Adam And also Bobcat, I will say, is not the loudmouth buffoon he appears to be on television programs and in an occasional movie, he's really a thoughtful, interesting, talented guy. So I think she's probably attracted to that. But I agree, I still want to kill Bob.

39:22 Ben Stein Yeah, yeah, that's a, you got it in a nutshell.

39:24 Adam Alright, so Drew, we ready to take some calls?

39:28 Drew No.

39:28 Adam Oh no, we gotta take a break. Alright, Ben Stein is here. How to Ruin Your Love Life is the name of the new book. We'll talk to him. Now, Ben, for those of you who don't know it, was a political, a speechwriter for, you know, many years for Nixon and Ford, and probably knows more about politics and the inner workings of politics than anyone we're ever going to have on this show, that's for goddamn sure. So I want to talk to him about what he thinks about the whole California gubernatorial race and all that kind of stuff when we come back. Everybody, it's the Loveline, I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, turn that down, Anderson. Can't think here. Phone number. He always passive, aggressively, turns it all the way off when I tell him to turn it down. I take that as an FU thank you. Ben Stein here tonight. Marilyn Manson here tomorrow night, same two guys. I don't know why we need them both. Sarah Silverman, again, the same person as Ben, Marilyn Manson gonna be in Thursday night talking about School of Rock, which I hear is very, very good. Ben has a book out. It's called How to Ruin Your Love Life. And if Ben wrote it, it's gotta be good.

40:48 Ben Stein Well, thank you.

40:49 Adam Let's talk politics for just one moment because it's perfect timing having you on tonight and getting your insights on the California gubernatorial race. So first off, what do you think about Schwarzenegger versus Gray Davis or Bustamante? Who do you like? Why do you like them?

41:08 Ben Stein Well, first of all, I voted for McClintock.

41:11 Adam I like McClintock, too.

41:12 Ben Stein I think McClintock was a straight shooter. He was an honest guy. He isn't rich. He isn't glamorous. He's just a hardworking civil servant. And he's true to his principles. I like that about him.

41:21 Adam Yes. I was impressed by him during the debate. He didn't just spout out some platitudes. He seemed to actually know the topics.

41:28 Ben Stein He's a smart guy and he's been toiling in the vineyard a long time. But I think you're a psychiatrist, psychologist, psychiatrist, actually. You would know this. People have a hard time distinguishing between a fictitious character and a real character. In movies, Arnold is the ultimate problem solver. He solves the problem of saving the human race.

41:48 Drew Yes.

41:49 Ben Stein Over and over and over again. And I think people are confused and I think he really can solve all the problems of California in some kind of violent but brief way. In some kind of mysterious way, he will solve the problems.

42:02 Drew Do you think though that most of what was motivating what happened tonight was a repudiation of politicians? I think they would have put Mickey Mouse in. You know what I mean? They were just anybody is not a politician.

42:14 Ben Stein It has something to do with that. It has something to do with the fact that Gray Davis is a particularly charmless individual. And as somebody said, he has negative personal charisma.

42:24 Adam Well, when you take a look at him and Bustamante, it's like, I don't know if either one of those guys got a date in high school or college.

42:32 Ben Stein Well, they're pathetic, although Gray Davis' wife is actually very attractive. I've never seen Bustamante's wife.

42:38 Adam Yeah, but look at Bobcat's wife.

42:40 Ben Stein I know. Let's get back to that.

42:42 Drew He should be governor, right?

42:42 Ben Stein Let's get back to that.

42:43 Adam We've got to make him governor and then assassinate him. And then come in and pick up the pieces. Okay, Nicky, you need a shoulder to cry on? That's great, baby.

42:52 Ben Stein People think Arnold is going to be a problem solver, I think. But there's no way he can really solve all of California's problems. But in movies, he solves even more difficult problems. He just defeats whole armies of androids.

43:06 Adam Well, let's talk about this because I, as you, although you may not admit this, think the average person who's just... The average schmoe walking around is pretty stupid. Probably voting may be too much responsibility for the average idiot who calls this show, for instance. A lot of dumb people walking around. And we're constantly doing this thing where it's get out and vote, get out and vote. We've got to get more people to get out and vote. But do we really need to get more stupid people to get out and vote on anything? Do you know what I'm saying?

43:36 Ben Stein Well, that is a big problem that the founders of this country face. And they made a decision that only people who had land or property can vote.

43:44 Adam Yes, yes.

43:44 Ben Stein They reason that if you had land or property, you must have some ability and some education.

43:49 Adam And something at stake, perhaps.

43:50 Ben Stein Yeah, something at stake. Well, that was the law in almost all countries.

43:54 Adam Good.

43:54 Ben Stein That allowed voting.

43:55 Adam Let's get back to that.

43:56 Ben Stein Well, I think you ought to write something about that. That would not make you as popular as you'd like to be, but you're already very, very popular.

44:03 Adam I just mean getting, like, for instance, if somebody asked me to vote on something I didn't know about, I would feel like it was irresponsible for me to cast a vote for it. Do you know what I'm saying?

44:16 Ben Stein Yeah, but that is done. Look at the proposition in California.

44:18 Adam I know. That's my point.

44:20 Ben Stein There's sometimes 10 or 12 propositions that you know nothing about, and you're asked to vote on them, and you decide to vote.

44:26 Adam If I was watching, I enjoy the show Survivor, and each week they vote to see who gets thrown off the island. There's many reasons why they vote somebody off, but oftentimes it's because they're not pulling their weight. But it wouldn't be fair to take someone who's never seen Survivor and say cast a vote to see who gets thrown off the island. You'd end up just voting for the taller, better looking one, or the fat guy you'd cast a vote to get tossed off the island. You know what I mean? It wouldn't be fair. You shouldn't be voting. You don't know. You haven't seen it. I'm sort of this way with the propositions and the politicians, which is if you don't know it, you shouldn't be voting.

45:02 Ben Stein Well, you have a beef then with the people who abolish the property requirements. In some countries there used to be an education requirement. There was a literacy requirement. There was a poll tax.

45:13 Adam Makes sense.

45:13 Ben Stein There was a lot of... A poll tax, people thought was a very good idea, because if you didn't pay the poll tax, how committed could you be to the issues and voting on it? But then it was held that that was racially discriminatory, because so many non-whites didn't pay or couldn't afford to pay poll tax.

45:28 Adam I agree with Ben Stein. Let's get back to the racist pride that this country was in some years ago.

45:34 Ben Stein Well, I didn't say that was a good idea. I just said that's what was happening.

45:37 Adam No, very clearly. Here, here. So, Schwarzenegger, you okay with him? Or you don't think anything is going to change?

45:44 Ben Stein I don't think he's going to be able to change that much, because, for example, he said the very first thing he did when he got into office is going to be to repeal the new increased car taxes. Right. Can he do that? He can do it, sure. I think he can do it. But if he does that, then he's going to be missing several hundred million or a billion dollars that he needs to balance the budget. So where's that going to come from? Then he's going to have to figure out a way to get it from somewhere for that.

46:07 Adam Right.

46:08 Ben Stein So, it's not, he can't just magically make problems of addition and subtraction go away. I mean, he's terribly capable, and he has very smart people around him, but there is something called arithmetic, which is immutable.

46:20 Adam Well, I'll tell you what I would do. I would trim the fat and send a message to the fat cats in Sacramento.

46:26 Ben Stein That's very funny.

46:27 Caller That's what I would do.

46:28 Adam That's very, very funny. That's all I would ever say. I'm going to send a message to the fat cats in Sacramento.

46:34 Drew Send one tonight by voting.

46:35 Adam We're going to take ourselves a little break. Ben Stein in studio tonight, and we'll be right back after this. Hey, buddy, it's the Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, Ben Stein, the great Ben Stein in studio tonight. How to Ruin Your Love Life, name of his latest book, and Marilyn Manson in here tomorrow night, and then Sarah Silverman. All right, so, let's, and by the way, if you want to find out anything about Ben or the book or where you can get it, you just go to www.benstein.com. All right, let's press forward and speak to Brooke, who's 21, Brooke. What's up?

47:40 I have a question for Drew, and I was just wondering what I have for increasing my hormone level. And the reason why I ask is because I have no sexual desire, never really horny, and it actually runs in my mom's side of the family.

47:57 Drew Well, how did that conversation go down?

47:59 Adam Yeah. How did that go?

48:01 What do you mean?

48:03 Adam Well, how'd you figure that out? Did you have that discussion with your mom?

48:07 I talked to her. My mom's sister, my aunt, actually was on shots, like once a month, and she would have a tab under her tongue. Basically, she was like taking testosterone to boost her hormone levels.

48:21 Adam To kickstart her sexually?

48:26 She actually has a hormonal imbalance. Like, they take blood tests and, you know, it's proven, and so they would give her like, testosterone shots.

48:33 Adam It's ironic that you can't say hormonal without first saying whore, but yet, she was closed off sexually.

48:41 Drew Fascinating.

48:42 Adam It is. It's very deep.

48:43 Drew It's very deep.

48:44 Ben Stein Actually, many whores are closed off sexually.

48:46 Adam Yeah, but the vagina is open for business, so it's like, I don't need to know that the guy's cooking me food is happy about it or not. I just need to know I get my plate of hands. You know what I'm saying, Ben? That's why I'm going to make a great governor one day.

49:02 Drew Brooke, so you've never been interested in sex? All right. Are you on any medication? Do you menstruate normally?

49:15 Caller Yeah.

49:17 Drew Do you have excessive body hair or anything like that? Are you overweight? Were you ever sexually abused?

49:24 Caller By, like, my family?

49:26 Drew By anybody.

49:27 Caller Well, I've been sexually, like, pushed.

49:32 Adam Still a virgin? Who pushed you sexually? Bobcat. You like to see young ones.

49:38 Drew She's too old.

49:39 Adam That's true. What? Who? Your boyfriend?

49:42 Caller My next boyfriend.

49:43 Drew Were you traumatized in any way growing up? Did you lose somebody?

49:47 Caller No. I mean, I think that has traumatized me sexually in one way.

49:51 Adam Yeah, you brought up the sexually push thing a couple of times and I wonder how you define that and what it meant to you.

49:58 Drew Yeah.

49:59 Caller Well, I think that's one reason why I don't really have as much of a sexual...

50:08 Drew How old were you when that happened? How old were you when you were sort of traumatized that way? I think you liked this one.

50:16 Adam All right, well what happened?

50:17 Caller I was just dating him and we didn't have sex or anything, but just oral or stuff like that.

50:25 Drew Just to make girls into boys and boys into girls. Excuse me. Sorry.

50:29 Adam Drew, I'm not going to say... I'm no longer... Now that you're celebrating your 20th year on the radio, I'm no longer going to explain what you're talking about. I'm going to leave that up to you. When you do horrible radio and have conversations off the air and show pictures to guests out of textbooks of guys with their ding-a-lings cut off, I'm not going to explain it. I'm going to leave that up to you.

50:50 Drew Thank you. So, Brooke, we're not quite sure what this is, but your belief...

50:55 Adam She's angry. Yeah. And again, I still... You still haven't defined sexually pushed. You went out with a guy when you were 18. He wanted to do things you didn't want to do, and he did what? He forced you to do them? What?

51:09 Ben Stein I didn't say that. But she's already said that her mother has the same problem, and she doesn't... And your mother, presumably... I mean, have you discovered that her mother was sexually pushed? Maybe it really is that.

51:21 Drew It's a bizarre conversation there with Mom, but this business of the aunt taking sublingual testosterone and stuff, that does not sound... There really are no blood tests for what she's talking about, because it's not a normal range.

51:30 Adam Brooke's angry. It sums up with Brooke.

51:32 Drew Psychologically, yeah.

51:33 Adam Yes. What's wrong with her?

51:34 Drew I don't know, but this is not a biological process.

51:38 Adam Why are you angry?

51:40 Caller I'm not that I'm angry. I'm just sexually frustrated, I guess, in a way that I don't get it.

51:46 Adam But I asked you what happened with the sexually pushed thing four times, and you never answered.

51:54 Caller I told him that he wanted oral or fingering or hand job, and I did it in a way to get out of sex, because he was pushing me into losing my virginity, and I didn't want to. So the only way out of that was to offer something else, which I never even wanted to do anyway.

52:13 Adam Yeah, but did he know you didn't want to do it?

52:15 Caller Yeah.

52:16 Adam You told him, no, I don't want to give you oral sex?

52:20 Caller Yeah.

52:20 Adam And he forced you to do it?

52:22 Caller More or less, he was giving oral to me, and I did not want him there. And I told him that, but...

52:28 Adam Lesser crime, by the way. Juries are less sympathetic to that. All right, but Brooke, where's your dad? You live with your parents? Everyone's in love? No one's an alcoholic? No. No sexual, no weird uncles? No physical abuse? All right.

52:51 Drew Forget your idea that there's going to be some blood test that they can magically restore all this with. That's probably not going to be the case.

52:56 Adam Yeah.

52:56 Drew You're menstruating normally. You don't have any manifestations of a real true hormonal problem. Worth getting checked, but doubtful that's going to have a significant resolution that way.

53:04 Adam Also, I really do, and I know this sounds horrible, but everything I say is horrible. He's going down on her, for Christ's sake. By the way, who's the victim? You ever gone down? Ben, you've gone down on a woman lately? It's a mess. It is a train wreck down there. Who is the victim, I ask you, Your Honor. Your Honor, I submit. Examine. Bailiff, get the lights. I got a whole slideshow here. Do you know what that is? No, that is not Mt. Krakatoa from a helicopter, that's an enlarged vulva, Your Honor. All right. But look, she's, Brooke is angry, but I get the feeling that she never really conveyed it to the guy. She just looked at herself as being victimized by a guy who was a 17, 18 year old guy who was moving forward sexually as guys too. There's something going on with her, some anger. My spidey sense was tingling. All right, Corey? Listen, I'll tell you something about you women. You don't realize, we like going down on you because you like it and because we think it leads to something, but in and of itself we don't like it. I mean, separated completely from all contacts. It was not a good thing. Do you know what I mean? I mean, you getting a back rub does not need a contact. You know, it just, it feels good. There's fingers on your back, your muscles are sore. You going down on a chick is not a good thing unless, like put it this way, here's how you know it's not a good thing. Aha. Here's how I discovered it.

54:34 Drew Your honor.

54:34 Adam Your honor. Drew, you would take a neck rub from a 700 pound syphilis ridden polio victim troll with a horn growing out of her back, with a dorsal fin, right? Right? Who had leprosy if it was dry. Yeah, you would take that and enjoy it just the same as a model. You really would. You'd close your eyes. You'd do it. If you were going down on that same girl, it would be a totally different situation than you, let's say, going down on Nicky Cox, Bobcat's wife. Would it not?

55:07 Drew Different situation, yeah.

55:08 Adam Different situation. Why? It's a vagina. You're going down on it. No. Different situation.

55:14 Drew Ben isn't used to these frank talks. They're humiliating him.

55:16 Adam No, Ben loves this stuff.

55:18 Ben Stein I'm loving it.

55:18 Adam Thank you, Ben.

55:20 Drew We know we won.

55:21 Adam Oh, we're going to one? Let's talk to Cori, who's 24. Cori? What's up?

55:34 Caller New England Journal of Medicine.

55:36 Drew We speculate that was possible. What she was saying, though, is that her friend was pregnant and then a couple months later had another man impregnate her with a second pregnancy.

55:46 Adam No, that's not what she was saying.

55:48 Drew Yes, it was. No, it wasn't.

55:50 Adam That's what you surmised and I said, no, early.

55:53 Drew I said, how did you know you got pregnant? She went to a doctor, I said I was pregnant, and then she had another pregnancy.

56:00 Adam No, she said twins. She wanted to know if it could be, we'll play the thing back. But still you said twins.

56:06 Drew And then I went to twins and we talked about the possibility of twins.

56:08 Adam Yeah, but she said cats could do it.

56:09 Drew But I'd never heard of it. So Cory is saying that she's seen a reported case.

56:13 Adam I love it when people cite animals that are completely different, cats, they got four legs, they got a tongue like sandpaper, they live until eight and a half years old, they're covered in fur.

56:28 Ben Stein How old are they?

56:29 Fourteen, fifteen.

56:30 Adam By the way, I was just testing you Ben, and you're not doing well. You're not doing well with the cat age thing. That one, I want to find out.

56:39 Ben Stein Well, cats do live to be fourteen and fifteen.

56:41 Adam I'm just saying when a man pipes up and knows how long cats live, that's a bad sign for a man. That's not a good sign.

56:48 Ben Stein We have four cats. We love cats.

56:52 Adam Alright.

56:52 Ben Stein Although one of the cats when he's angry pees on the furniture.

56:57 Adam Is there anything more pungent than petting a cat here?

56:59 Ben Stein No, there's nothing. And I wanted to return the cat to its source, but my wife would not let me. She said it would break her heart.

57:09 Adam Yeah, but there really should be some sort of mafia to get rid of unwanted pets for males.

57:15 Drew By the way, speaking of having sent the guys to the moon, can't we take care of stopping the cats from peeing everywhere? Or get rid of the smell, at least?

57:24 Adam I really don't know what we can do with them. A diaper, a dart, I don't know what we can do.

57:29 Ben Stein It rarely happens. When it does happen, it's very notable.

57:32 Adam Here's my plan. I just thought of this, so often, men love pets as much as women, but we don't look at all of them as our children.

57:41 Ben Stein Well, my dog looks more than, my son might be listening, but I look at my dog as very, very important.

57:47 Adam Maybe, possibly more than Tommy or son.

57:50 Ben Stein I'm not going to say, no, he's not more important than Tommy. She's not more important than Tommy. But equal. She's a close, close right after Tommy.

57:56 Drew Tommy inspired these books.

57:57 Ben Stein She's close right after Tommy. How to ruin your love.

57:59 Adam Okay, but here's the point, you love your dog very much. There's a cat you could do without that's in your house. And I think we've all experienced that one time or another. The thing sheds, the thing nips at you, it whizzes all over the place, it's blind in one eye, it's deaf, and the woman treats it as if it's a retarded child who she can never part with. I would like to start a service where we sort of quietly got rid of these. You know what I'm saying? The cat ran away. You know what I mean? We got rid of the cat.

58:30 Ben Stein I could never do that.

58:31 Adam No, you wouldn't talk about it on the air. You wouldn't talk about it on the air. But quietly, off the air, and possibly in the deep recesses, the dark recesses of your mind.

58:40 Ben Stein I thought of letting the cat escape.

58:42 Adam Yeah, that's what I mean. I mean have somebody take care of the cat. Make service. You see what I'm saying?

58:48 Drew I'm reading the back page of Ben's new book, How to Ruin Your Love Life, and I think you would agree with his point of view. I'm going to read you a couple sentences, right? The truth is that your love object is incredibly, unbelievably lucky to have you in his life just for this unworthy soul to be associated with you is such a grand honor that you don't really need to pay any further attention to his or her desires.

59:08 Adam Yeah, that's true.

59:09 Ben Stein Well, that's one of the rules of the book.

59:10 Drew That's how to rule life.

59:11 Ben Stein Only your feelings count. Your lover's feelings don't count because even though she has feelings, you can't feel her feelings, so how important can they be?

59:21 Drew And she's lucky to have you.

59:22 Ben Stein Yeah, she's incredibly lucky to have you, so she shouldn't really ask for anything else.

59:25 Adam Yeah, if someone burns her with a cigarette, you don't feel the pain.

59:28 Ben Stein Right, exactly. Well, but another thing, one of the things that rules for women is you can say any mean thing you want, and if your boyfriend reproaches you for saying it, say, aren't I allowed to express my feelings? Right. Because obviously, you can't say no, you can't express your feelings, so you can say you're a total loser and my last boyfriend was a hundred times better than you because that's just her feelings.

59:52 Adam I don't know. I talked to my guy friends about it once and I realized their only complaint, their only beef with their wife or girlfriend or any woman in their life is not a beef they have with the woman. Their only beef is the constant beefs the women have with them.

1:00:12 Ben Stein That's part of it. That's part of it.

1:00:14 Adam You talk to everybody and you're like, what's your big beef with your wife? My big beef is all her beef is with me.

1:00:20 Ben Stein Well, that's why, by the way, I'll say two things very quickly. My wife is close to perfect because she never starts arguments about anything at all, ever. Almost never. She's almost a perfect personality.

1:00:32 Drew Because Ben's too busy arguing.

1:00:35 Ben Stein Second thing is one of the other rules in this book is start arguments about everything. There's nothing too small to argue over. That's it. And especially with people you love, there's nothing too small to argue over.

1:00:46 Adam Those are words to live by from Ben Stein. I mean, every guy I know, all they want to do is be left alone. Drew, you never have a beef about your wife. You don't have any problems. I never sit my wife down and explain to her what she starts to do. You need to do more of this, you need to do less of that, you need to start becoming this kind of person. All I ever say is, leave me alone. Stop riding me.

1:01:08 Ben Stein Well, that's one of the major rules of life. It's almost impossible to leave your spouse too much alone. You can't. I know. But, women do like to change, man, and that's another humble rule. Marry somebody who's got a lot of problems and believe you can change them.

1:01:24 Adam Yeah, that's what Drew's wife did.

1:01:27 Drew You're busy.

1:01:28 Adam Brandon?

1:01:29 Hey.

1:01:30 Adam You're 23?

1:01:31 Caller Yes.

1:01:31 Adam You read Drew's book? I did.

1:01:33 Caller I loved it.

1:01:35 Adam What's up?

1:01:36 Caller My question is, pretty much everybody in my family, my aunts, uncles, grandparents, they all have an addictive personality, my alcohol, marijuana, smoking. My dad, both of my parents used to do hard drugs. My dad stopped doing that, stopped smoking weed, but my mom still drinks and smokes marijuana and all this stuff. I asked my dad to read the book, but I'm trying to get some suggestions on how I can get my mom to read it.

1:02:17 Drew Are your parents together?

1:02:19 Caller Yes.

1:02:20 Drew Could your dad recommend it to her?

1:02:22 Caller He's afraid. She's pretty good. She's pretty smart, but she gets pretty bad mood swings.

1:02:31 Adam The book is not, I married an addict or anything.

1:02:37 Drew How do you know? You've never read it.

1:02:38 Adam I've seen the cover. It's part fiction. It's called Cracked. You could just give it to her and recommend it as a good entertaining book. You don't have to, you know, it's not a manual for life per se or it doesn't have to be presented that way.

1:02:55 Ben Stein I guess you could say mom would really mean a lot to me if you read this book.

1:03:00 Drew Yeah. Listen, you're all very enabling. You're all tiptoeing around afraid to confront her with what she's doing and the consequences of her disease. You could, you could say something very simple like, you know, I heard this book, I read it. There's some stuff in there that sort of reminded me of what's going on with you. It worries me. Would you want to be interested in reading this and maybe, maybe it'll help you. Yeah. I know it's scary to do that because it's cracking the shell of this sort of denial that she's got.

1:03:27 Adam What is her interest besides drugs?

1:03:29 Caller Well, I mean, you know, she goes to work, she comes home, smokes, you know, smokes out a little bit.

1:03:37 Drew Is she interested in anything else besides drugs?

1:03:39 Caller Watches, oprah, soap operas, and you know, hang that in her room.

1:03:43 Adam Soap operas. And she doesn't have any hobbies, cooking, sewing.

1:03:47 What kind of work does she get home from where she, where she, watches?

1:03:51 Caller No, you know, it's, I think it's, you know, it's, she needs it, I mean, my grandparents on her side, they drink about a liter of hard alcohol a day.

1:04:01 Drew Yeah, well, that's the gene, you know, it's underway.

1:04:04 Adam Right, exactly. All right, now hold on a second. What kind of work does she do?

1:04:08 Caller She, she works in education.

1:04:12 Drew Teacher?

1:04:14 Caller Yeah.

1:04:14 Adam She's a teacher?

1:04:15 Caller Yeah, but, I mean, it's...

1:04:18 Adam No, no, wait a minute. I don't know, now I'm starting to think bogus.

1:04:21 Caller No, no, it's not, but, it's, I mean, but she's a good person. I mean, she does, she does her job well.

1:04:31 Adam Just give her the book and tell her to read it and stop enabling her and start putting... You need to go to Al-Anon. But C, but this, but that, but nothing.

1:04:41 Drew Yeah, or maybe yourself read the book, Brandon. I'm hearing you say some things that suggest you didn't get the basic messages such as things like a person, addictive personality and you're sort of surprised that everybody's using your family.

1:04:50 Adam I'm just getting a weird vibe off Brandon. Brandon? Stop enabling your mom. Are you still living at home?

1:04:57 Caller No, no, I've been out for a long time.

1:05:00 Adam Tell your dad to grow some balls and give her the book. That's it. I'm certainly laying the law down with people and I do actually, people, here's the thing, women, pets, kids, they all enjoy a little tug on the chain every once in a while. I think people are like, I love you so I'm going to let you run all over me. You need to set some guidelines. It's up to the men in society. Otherwise you end up like Gray Davis and California's your bitch and it kicks your ass.

1:05:25 Ben Stein The truly addictive personality you can't do much with unless the person really wants to change.

1:05:32 Adam True, but at least you don't have to be a party to it.

1:05:36 Drew And you can create circumstances that motivate them.

1:05:39 Ben Stein The truly addictive personality has to hit the bottom before he or she wants to change.

1:05:45 Adam There's a certain percentage of those people that are going to die. And never get well. And you have to find out who you're dealing with. You have to be able to find out what the truth is. And I think it's a large, alarmingly large group of people. I don't think it's an overwhelming majority of the addicts who are going to die.

1:06:07 Drew You don't think it's a large majority?

1:06:09 Adam No, I don't think it's a majority. I think it's too many. I think it's a large group, but I don't think it's more than 50%.

1:06:16 Drew The bottom can be induced. If you all got together in your family and said, Hey, we've had enough of this crap, we're going to not be a part of your life. If this continues, that's a bottom for some people. For others, they've got to lose everything before they're willing to change.

1:06:27 Adam We'll take a quick break. Ben Stein is here. We'll be right back. Let's get back. Yeah, Dr. Drew and the Hissy, everybody. Ben Stein is here as well. How to Ruin Your Love Life is the name of his latest offering.

1:07:12 Drew The Hizzle for Chizzle.

1:07:13 Adam Everything that comes out of Ben's mind.

1:07:16 Drew Bye.

1:07:16 Adam Ben Stein, into his mouth and into society is golden, spun gold. Even his jewels should be collected, kept as a keepsake. So you know the book is going to be good. It is out, and you can just go to www.benstein.com if you want to find out where to get it or anything about it. Okay, where is we? Amazon, Amazon is a place to go. And Marilyn Manson in here tomorrow night, and there is Silverman in here Thursday night.

1:07:46 Drew?

1:07:47 Drew I like this chapter about be sure you marry somebody who is always unhappy.

1:07:51 Ben Stein Yes, and think you can make him happy.

1:07:54 Oh yeah.

1:07:55 Drew Just work at it.

1:07:56 Ben Stein And don't let your lover believe that he or she is valued just from self, but only for what he or she can do for you.

1:08:02 Adam Well let's examine that for just one second. Who do you know in your life who is really truly changed? A couple of people, not many. I mean, yeah, whose personality is different than it was?

1:08:15 Ben Stein Mine.

1:08:15 Adam Yours?

1:08:16 Ben Stein Yeah, well I used to be a really really heavy drug user.

1:08:18 Adam Really?

1:08:19 Ben Stein Yeah, and I changed largely from going to 12-step meetings.

1:08:23 Adam Really?

1:08:23 Ben Stein Yeah, really.

1:08:25 Adam I had no idea. Well, now you do. What was your, what year are we talking about? What years?

1:08:32 Ben Stein Started in about 1966 and went on until about 1988.

1:08:36 Adam What drugs?

1:08:38 Ben Stein Well, marijuana, Sheesh, Demerol, Dilaudid.

1:08:42 Adam I don't count any of those as drugs, by the way, but keep going.

1:08:44 Ben Stein You don't count Dilaudid as a drug?

1:08:46 Adam Keep going. Keep going. That's a personal thing.

1:08:48 Ben Stein You do not know Dilaudid if you don't count as a drug.

1:08:51 Adam Drew, that's heavy, right?

1:08:54 Ben Stein Yeah.

1:08:54 Adam So prescription stuff, marijuana.

1:08:56 Ben Stein Tolan.

1:08:57 Adam What about booze?

1:08:59 Ben Stein No, I used booze, but it didn't do much for me unless I used it in conjunction with pills.

1:09:04 Adam I did notice from the weed though in those clear eye spots, his eyes were pretty bloodshot. And then the clear eyes, that's the clear eyes connection. What about coke? Yeah.

1:09:14 Ben Stein I loved coke, but coke was self-limiting because you can only stay up at night listening to the effing coke bird and dawn comes and hating yourself and thinking you're the worst loser in the world for a certain amount of time and then you have to stop.

1:09:28 Adam Well, that was my whole thing with coke and or speed where people would be up for two or three nights straight and want to go out and get an eight ball. My thing was like, don't you want to have a couple shots of Nyquil and put your head on a pillow? I mean, are you enjoying this?

1:09:44 Ben Stein There's nothing worse than being high on cocaine. If you want to get paranoid and crazy, just take a really nice car and drive down to Compton and sit in a 7-Eleven in Compton in a shiny new BMW or Mercedes if you want to feel paranoid and crazy.

1:10:01 Adam Yeah. And I would argue that being high on speed is worse than being high on coke.

1:10:09 Ben Stein When the speed wears off, you feel guaranteed suicidal. It's the worst.

1:10:14 Drew Well, the interesting thing also about these two drugs is that they both cause paranoia because of the depletions of the chemicals in the brain. And in the case of speed, the paranoia is always, it's slow to develop and it's always focused on important relationships, family, friends, neighbors, co-workers. And the cocaine paranoia comes on very rapidly over three days, is extremely intense and always focused on uniformed officers.

1:10:36 Ben Stein Really?

1:10:36 Drew Always.

1:10:37 Adam So, I wonder why.

1:10:39 Drew But no, no, no matter what the environment is, the same focus applies in terms of where the brain is.

1:10:46 Adam So, Ben, did plenty of drugs, got involved with 12-step programs and a different person. Is your personality different?

1:10:54 Ben Stein Yeah, I am a much calmer person.

1:10:56 Adam Really?

1:10:56 Ben Stein I really am. I mean, my wife is here. You could ask her. I used to argue all the time and criticize. I still criticize a lot, but nowhere near as much.

1:11:04 Adam You had more energy. You were more eager for the fray.

1:11:07 Ben Stein Right. I'm not eager for it at all.

1:11:09 Adam Yeah. I know, because you're waiting to die like we are.

1:11:12 Ben Stein No, I just don't want to use up my energy.

1:11:14 Adam You're vacationing in Idaho. You're staring a trout in a pond. You're hoping you fall in and die. Yes. The name of his next book is I'm Dead. There's going to be four or five pages and then you'll just see scribble and a line going off the page and the other 400 pages will be blank.

1:11:33 Ben Stein You're totally wrong. I'm much happier now that I'm a polymer.

1:11:34 Adam You want to die. Don't argue with me. You'd like it.

1:11:38 Ben Stein Well, I told you I don't like to argue.

1:11:40 Adam Lisa?

1:11:41 Yes.

1:11:42 Adam You're 30?

1:11:43 Caller Yes, I am.

1:11:44 Adam What's up?

1:11:45 Caller A lot.

1:11:47 Adam All right. Well, tell us the big stuff.

1:11:50 Caller Okay, the big stuff. My main question is, when can somebody conceive?

1:11:55 Drew What do you mean, when?

1:11:58 Caller When? Like, how many days after the first day of the last period or...

1:12:03 Adam About the middle.

1:12:05 Drew About the middle, about 18 days.

1:12:07 Caller Okay.

1:12:09 Drew It's within 24 hours of the ovulation, and you can get an ovulation kit and try to document when you've ovulated, that sort of thing.

1:12:16 Adam Why? What are you planning on doing?

1:12:20 Caller In a very different way.

1:12:26 Adam Yeah, I'm reading the screen now. Your husband's in jail and you snuck some semen out.

1:12:33 Caller Well, actually, I did it there in the prison, in the visiting room.

1:12:37 Drew Had sex with him?

1:12:38 Caller No, well, yeah, no. He had his specimen...

1:12:42 Adam Hold on a second. Let's just do a quick Loveline reenactment. Actually we did it in there, right in the visiting room.

1:12:48 Drew You had sex with him?

1:12:48 Adam Well, yeah. No, yeah. Yeah, no. Yes, but no. Lisa?

1:12:55 Caller Yeah.

1:12:56 Adam Go ahead. Do you really have to... I'm sickened by the idea of you having kids. Sickened, nauseated by it.

1:13:05 Caller He had...

1:13:06 Adam That's my morning sickness. You guys get morning sickness. I get taxpayer sickness.

1:13:13 Caller He had something like that.

1:13:14 Drew I hear speed on Lisa, too.

1:13:15 Adam Yeah. You got a problem with speed?

1:13:17 Caller Am I on speed?

1:13:18 Drew Have you a history of speed?

1:13:20 Caller Yeah, I do.

1:13:20 Drew Yeah, I can just hear it.

1:13:21 Adam Why do we always... Why does it always sound... How come... What is the sound? It's sort of...

1:13:26 Caller How do you guys know this?

1:13:27 Adam I'll tell you what it is. It's... Here's what it is. It's rushed speech. And this is not that you're high now. This is not that you're high now.

1:13:35 Drew Right.

1:13:36 Adam It's rushed speech meets two packs a day of cool cigarettes, meets sort of spent too much time in the sun, kind of sunblasted, kind of work. Life has pummeled you a little bit. It's like life is like an ocean and the sea is always rough and it's just... You're just up against the rocks.

1:13:56 There's been your whole life against the rocks.

1:13:57 Caller You don't even know how close you are.

1:14:00 Drew Well, we do.

1:14:01 Adam Oh, no.

1:14:01 Drew We do.

1:14:02 Adam I just said it.

1:14:04 Drew So, why would you want to have kids?

1:14:05 Adam Did you smoke Koolz?

1:14:07 Caller No, I didn't. I don't like menthol. All right.

1:14:10 Adam But you smoked... You're a big smoker, right?

1:14:12 Caller No, not really.

1:14:13 Adam But a smoker.

1:14:14 Caller His pack last me about a week. Anyway.

1:14:18 Adam All right. So, now your hubby's in the joint for what? Speed?

1:14:23 Caller Actually... Yeah, you could say that. He had never really experimented with drugs and got high for a period of time and it made him do stupid things. He made bad decisions and, yeah.

1:14:38 Adam What'd he do? He hurt somebody? Rob a bank? What'd he do?

1:14:41 Caller No, he didn't hurt anybody. He was a felon. They're trying to get him a felon in possession of a firearm, career criminal, 15 to life.

1:14:49 Ben Stein Why?

1:14:49 Adam What did he do?

1:14:50 Drew What did he do?

1:14:52 Caller What did he do?

1:14:54 Ben Stein What made him a felon?

1:14:55 Caller Well, he already's done 15 years. He robbed banks and normal crops.

1:15:01 Drew Okay.

1:15:02 Ben Stein Didn't he rob a bank?

1:15:03 Drew By the way, no impression of Adams pulling Robbie Banks out of the air. That was interesting. Yeah.

1:15:12 Caller And you know, this is another story. But he is in... I don't know. Anyway, never mind. That'll be another story.

1:15:18 Adam Look, there's no doubt that he's good people.

1:15:22 Caller No, he really is.

1:15:24 Adam If your mom was Jewish, she'd blow her head off with a shotgun.

1:15:27 Caller Oh, she'd probably blow my head off with a shotgun, and she's not Jewish, if she knew what I was doing right now.

1:15:31 Adam No, if she was Jewish, she'd blow her head off with a shotgun.

1:15:33 Caller Oh, she probably would do it now, too. Both of our heads.

1:15:36 Adam No, Jewish wouldn't blow your... Oh, just shut up.

1:15:38 Don't...

1:15:40 Adam Don't tell me about the Jews.

1:15:42 Caller No, you ready for the story?

1:15:43 Adam No. You went and visited... First off, do you have any kids?

1:15:50 Caller Yes, I do.

1:15:50 Adam Oh, I know you do. That's the beauty. Here's the beauty of you. You already have a couple of kids. You've screwed up horribly, I'm sure. And you're smuggling jizz out of the clink. So you can crank out some more retards that I can pay for. With a speed-soaked mom. Steady diet of secondhand smoke and Ozzy Osbourne music. Crib lined with bad rust-colored shag carpet. How many kids do you have, screwball?

1:16:23 Caller How many do you think I have?

1:16:24 Drew Three.

1:16:25 Adam Three sounds about right.

1:16:26 Caller Wrong. Wrong.

1:16:28 Drew I hope it's not more. I hope it's not more.

1:16:31 Adam How many do you have?

1:16:32 Caller How many do I have?

1:16:34 Adam Yes.

1:16:35 Drew Two.

1:16:35 Adam Two.

1:16:36 Drew We're away. I'm pregnant with one.

1:16:38 Adam You just spit the third into your vagina, right?

1:16:41 Caller I'm getting ready, yeah, I'm hoping. Yeah.

1:16:44 Adam Yeah. Oh, God willing. God willing.

1:16:48 Caller God would be willing, yes.

1:16:49 Adam Yeah. So, now how old are the two kids you have?

1:16:53 Caller Well, do you want to guess?

1:16:54 Ben Stein Seventeen.

1:16:55 Adam Just tell me how old they are.

1:16:56 Caller No, they're seven and nine.

1:16:58 Adam Seven and nine.

1:16:59 Ben Stein And are they... Well, wait, I thought he was in jail for fifteen years.

1:17:02 Caller They're not his kids.

1:17:03 Drew Of course not.

1:17:04 Caller My kids.

1:17:04 Adam Of course not.

1:17:05 Caller Their real father passed away.

1:17:06 Drew Of heroin.

1:17:08 Caller Oh, shut up.

1:17:10 Adam What happened?

1:17:13 Caller What did you just say?

1:17:14 Adam What did the first guy pass away from?

1:17:16 Caller What did you say?

1:17:17 Adam He said heroin.

1:17:18 Caller Oh, my God.

1:17:20 Adam I know. I feel bad too.

1:17:23 Drew Humans are very predictable.

1:17:26 Adam What happened to the first husband?

1:17:29 Caller Heroin. He got a staph infection from his IVU.

1:17:32 Drew Look at you guys. Lisa, humans are highly predictable. And it's predictable what you're going to do to this third child. How about not doing that? How about just stopping it right there?

1:17:46 Caller You're not going to do it. You're going to do it. I really want to know what you think I should do.

1:17:51 Adam You should jump up and down on a trampoline until this semen falls out of you.

1:17:56 Caller Well, if I jumped up and down and set it on my little D's, it would blacken my eyes.

1:18:01 Yeah.

1:18:02 Drew Alright.

1:18:03 Adam Hey, listen, Lisa.

1:18:04 Caller What?

1:18:05 Adam Yeah. Okay. Let's just sum things up. I'm going to be very quick. Now start listening to me. A couple of things. You're not that smart.

1:18:12 Caller I know I'm not.

1:18:12 Adam As a matter of fact, you're stupid. And here's what you've got to do when you're stupid. You have to listen to smart people and shut up.

1:18:18 Caller And who's smart?

1:18:19 Adam I'm smart.

1:18:21 Drew Ben's smart.

1:18:22 Adam Listen, a raccoon is smart compared to you. So shut up.

1:18:25 Caller Yeah, you know where you can go, buddy.

1:18:27 Adam Just listen. You're already effed up your kids enough. Now don't have a third. Please. Please.

1:18:34 Caller And who died and made you God? I want to talk to the other guy.

1:18:37 Adam God died made me God.

1:18:39 Drew Oh, shut up.

1:18:40 Adam A lot of people don't know that.

1:18:41 Drew Nietzsche said that, didn't he?

1:18:42 Adam Nietzsche told me that. He said to tell you that.

1:18:44 Caller You know what? I could tell you where to go, but I won't.

1:18:48 Adam Your delight. I enjoy a nice verbal sparring with a young minx like yourself.

1:18:54 Drew Lisa, look into some recovery.

1:18:56 Adam Get into recovery.

1:18:59 Drew Call an NA. Go to an NA meeting. Good. Beautiful. You're in residential treatment right now?

1:19:06 Ben Stein She's in residential rehab right now.

1:19:08 Drew Did you talk to your sponsor about this idea of getting pregnant?

1:19:11 Caller No, I didn't. Before you guys hang up on me and cut me off, I have to say something to my husband because he's listening to me now.

1:19:20 Adam No, no, you do not. I want to know how it is that you retrieve the semen.

1:19:28 Caller He prepared it and put it in a finger of a glove and tied a knot in it. When you go to visit somebody in the prison, you can give them a hug and a kiss. And he had it in his mouth. I gave him a kiss, put it in my mouth, went to the bathroom, and I had a baby, you know, medicine sucker, like an eye dropper, a turkey baser kind of thing, and I went to the bathroom and I sucked it up. I threw it in me and I hoofed it. I hoofed it.

1:20:02 Adam I have no idea.

1:20:06 Caller I mean, really, swallowed it. You know. Yeah.

1:20:11 Adam All right. You put it up in you. Now, when does your husband get out of jail?

1:20:15 Caller You don't want to know that.

1:20:17 Adam I do want to know that.

1:20:19 Caller Well, I am hoping soon, but it is not looking too good right now.

1:20:24 Adam I know you're hoping later on tonight, but in force, the courts go, he's got another 17 years, right?

1:20:30 Caller What was that?

1:20:32 Adam When is he getting out?

1:20:33 Caller Probably, his lawyer says he's going to have to do probably 15.

1:20:40 Adam I know. So, what? The kid's bar mitzvah. He'll already be bar mitzvahed. I'm assuming you're Jewish couple or bat mitzvahed before your husband gets out of it. Oh, this is not going to work.

1:20:55 Drew Lisa, I'm glad you're residential. Just follow direction. Don't rely on your brain for anything. Take direction, ask questions. Don't do anything that you think is the right thing to do until you check it through with somebody else.

1:21:08 Adam All right. Let me tell you when I'm in charge. This is another thing Schwarzenegger could get to work on. First order of business. When I start hearing about these convicts cranking out kids from the joint, getting married, having conjugal visits, the idea that Randall Tex Watkins has, I actually think of Randall Tex Cobbett. Tex Watkins of the Manson family has himself a couple of kids from inside the joint.

1:21:41 Ben Stein How did he do that?

1:21:42 Adam Well, first you get a pussy Democratic governor and you get a bunch of bleeding hearts and then you get the pussy ACLU homo lawyers in there just going to bat for everybody and they start crying. Well, just because he stabbed a pregnant chick several thousand times doesn't mean he doesn't have rights and so he gets married and once he gets married in prison well then as a married man he's entitled to conjugal visits and he knocks her up from inside the joint.

1:22:10 Ben Stein That's incredible.

1:22:11 Drew Oh, there's a lot of that.

1:22:11 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:22:12 Ben Stein That's incredible.

1:22:13 Adam Yeah.

1:22:14 Ben Stein That's a good thing.

1:22:15 Adam Ted Bundy has a 20 year old daughter that he cranked out from inside the joint.

1:22:19 Ben Stein That's incredible.

1:22:20 Adam Yeah, that's great. Let's just say you're one of the family members of the deceased and Ted Bundy went to work on your 14 year old with a set of pliers before he raped her and eventually killed her. And he's in prison screwing?

1:22:34 Ben Stein That's incredible.

1:22:35 Adam Because he's got rights?

1:22:36 Ben Stein That's incredible.

1:22:37 Adam These are the pussy ACLU homos. This is the kind of work they do. This is what they do. This is their plan. Of course it's incredible. It's unthinkable, but this is what goes on. And this is how it works. Yes, Ted Bundy has a kid from inside the joint. Before he was put down, he got down, and Tex Watkins has kids too.

1:22:57 Drew And Lisa's got three kids.

1:22:59 Adam And Lisa has kids, and there's nobody that can say anything about it because we don't have the right. We don't have the right. Ted Bundy has the right to take pliers to teenagers and brutally kill them and destroy families. But he has rights. Really? He's got rights? How many people you got to kill before you lose your right to hump from inside the joint?

1:23:19 Drew Or, just how about having screwed up people and having screwed up kids is something that disturbs us more than anything.

1:23:23 Adam Pussy retard, pussy ACLU pussies trying to destroy this world. They don't believe that there's evil. That's the problem. They don't think there's evil. There's just people that are misunderstood and they need guidance and they need love and they need direction. They don't believe in evil. There's no evil terrorists. There's no evil serial killers. No one is evil. They're misunderstood and besides, society makes these people anyway. It's not their fault.

1:23:47 Ben Stein After all, I'm only society's child.

1:23:50 Adam That's right and let me tell you one other thing about those homos over at the ACLU. The other thing they did is recently someone decided, hey, maybe it would be a good idea to get some DNA samples from all the guys that are on death row so that we could match up some of these unsolved murders that are on the books because guys that are on death row, a lot of them are career criminals and most of them, if they're in there for one murder, there's many other murders they're involved with that are on the books, they're unsolved and they could have manpower that are going to try to, basically you're trying to catch a guy who's already in the joint, essentially, this happens all the time when they start investigating these murders, they find out the guys in jail on another charge are already serving a life sentence in Kentucky for something that went on in California. So here's the deal, these guys are on death row, we get a DNA sample of these guys, we match it up to stuff on the books and we start cleaning off some of the books, give a little closure to some of the families of these victims, by the way, ACLU steps in, oh no, no, can't do it, it's against their rights. Now, they can voluntarily submit to a sample of DNA, but you certainly can't force a guy who's locked up 23 hours a day and you're about to kill to do anything that's against his rights. And my argument is, we've already stripped this guy of his rights, he's living in a concrete block, you know what I mean? We're going to kill him. Let's take some DNA and if we want his DNA, we'll take it. That's it. Pussies. Yeah, and imagine fighting tooth and nail for this and winning by the way. Yeah, good times.

1:25:21 Ben Stein It's amazing.

1:25:21 Adam You're doing the Lord's work, Lord's work. We've got to take a break.

1:25:25 Ben Stein I'll say goodbye to you now.

1:25:26 Drew We're only on for 10 more minutes.

1:25:27 Ben Stein Oh really?

1:25:28 Adam Yeah, don't be. I know I depress you.

1:25:29 Drew No, 12, but we'll actually tend to 12.

1:25:31 Ben Stein Okay, I'm sorry.

1:25:31 Adam Don't be depressed.

1:25:32 Ben Stein Okay, I'm very depressed.

1:25:34 Adam Oh, that's alright. We're going to get you back.

1:25:36 Ben Stein We're going to get probably even something worse now.

1:25:39 Adam No, it's all good. It's all good.

1:25:41 Drew Well, happy calls then.

1:25:41 Adam You still don't want to die?

1:25:42 Ben Stein I am happy in my life.

1:25:46 Adam He thinks he's happy. Ben Stein here. We'll take a break. We'll be back after this. Hey everybody, it's Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew, Ben Stein in studio tonight.

1:25:59 Ben Stein You know what I think of whenever you say Dr. Drew is, Dr. Dre, are you a real doctor, man? I mean, like, can you prescribe drugs and something? I tell you what.

1:26:10 Drew I realize, Adam, can you score for me?

1:26:12 Ben Stein Yeah, can you? Because I'll share them with you if you can.

1:26:15 Adam I gotta get, you know what, I gotta try a Quaalude. I've never tried a Quaalude.

1:26:20 Ben Stein They're wonderful.

1:26:21 Adam That's what I hear.

1:26:21 Ben Stein They're absolutely wonderful. They're the best sleeping builder ever was.

1:26:25 Adam Really?

1:26:25 Ben Stein They should not have made them illegal.

1:26:27 Adam Really? You like Quaaludes? I like, and call me old-fashioned, but I like to get into a few Valium every once in a while.

1:26:33 Ben Stein Well, Valium are not illegal at all. They're extremely illegal.

1:26:36 Adam That's what I'm saying. I'd like Drew to score.

1:26:39 Ben Stein Well, you must have a doctor. You could just go to him and ask him to be a prescriber, because I...

1:26:43 Adam I try to... Hold on, Drew, what are you...

1:26:45 Ben Stein Sorry.

1:26:46 Adam You're allergic to prescription med conversations? Drew doesn't, Drew's no good. But I got Dr. Marcel, who's a plastic surgeon, and he basically, he'd give you like pharma sutical great coke to like a teenager if he offered a hand chop and some jewelry. You know what I mean? That's the beauty of plastic surgeons. They're kind of doctors. They're part pimp. They're part doctor. It's unclear what they are. So, and then there's Dr. Bruce. It just, you know, he's basically, he's my monkey. That's all. All right. So I don't need you, Drew. Liz? You're 19?

1:27:25 Caller What's up?

1:27:29 Well, let's see, okay, I was listening and somebody was talking about their mom who was an addict or whatever, and you referred to it as her disease. I don't know, and I've got like 60 days clean or something right now, and I'm going through NA, but it's kind of difficult for me to really grasp that idea. I don't know.

1:27:56 Drew Basically, I'm talking about an abnormality of your brain function. That's the easiest way to think of it. Your brain is changed and changed permanently as a result of the relationship with the chemical, and it has a natural history to it, and it has a treatment.

1:28:10 Adam Well, be that as it may, you got 60-something days sobriety. Good for you. Keep going. Don't analyze it too much. Talk to your sponsor. Stick with your program. Yeah. All right. Let's see if we can power through a few calls that have been on hold for a million years. This guy has been on hold for 90 minutes. I feel bad. Christina?

1:28:29 Drew Sleeping.

1:28:30 Adam Hello? Christina, you're 19. What's up? Hey.

1:28:35 Caller I have a question about birth control. I'm on orthotrycyclin low and I totally was an idiot and skipped two days. And then on the third day when I went to go take my pill, I noticed what day it was on and there you go. I took three of them at once and then yesterday I took it the regular time. Today I got my period and I was really nauseous and so I was, well, A, I was wondering if the nauseousness was related to taking the pills at once.

1:29:04 Drew It could be, but usually it's right away after you took them. Have you been having sex this whole time?

1:29:11 Caller My boyfriend, that's a whole different story. We haven't been having sex.

1:29:15 Adam Really?

1:29:16 Drew Was that a yes or a no?

1:29:17 Adam No, the answer is no, but what's wrong with him?

1:29:21 Caller Well, we've been living in Portland for a happy year and it took him a while to find a job and he finally has a job and we just have really different schedules. And then even before that, there was just a lot of issues there and we weren't sleeping together very much.

1:29:37 Adam Maybe it's time for you guys to break up.

1:29:41 Caller Well, we're actually, you're going to love this, we're living together.

1:29:45 Drew I know. We figured that. We figured that.

1:29:47 Adam I know, but this is never going to work. Why don't you break up? You're 19, how old is he?

1:29:51 Caller You're going to love this too. 24.

1:29:53 Adam 24?

1:29:54 Drew That's all right.

1:29:54 Adam How long have you guys been together?

1:29:56 Caller We've been together for about a year now.

1:30:00 Drew It's time.

1:30:00 Adam He's not meant, he's not the one for you.

1:30:02 Drew It's not working. You're forcing it. It's not working. Anyway, usually the three pills, yes, it would cause nausea, but it's usually right around the time you take them. This is now two days later, your regular period, you can expect that for a while and you could get pregnant during this cycle. So you definitely want to wait to start your next cycle of pills before you have sex.

1:30:18 Adam All right. Again, let's...

1:30:19 Drew And the nausea now, three days later, makes you worry that it is pregnancy, but you say you're not having sex.

1:30:24 Adam John, who's 25, you've been on hold for 57 minutes. What's up? You want to date a girl pal who used to date your buddy?

1:30:31 Drew Yeah.

1:30:32 Caller Yeah, they're both my friends.

1:30:34 Adam Yeah. Does she like you?

1:30:36 Caller Yeah, I believe so.

1:30:38 Adam Why did she use to date your buddy? Did he drop her or did she drop him?

1:30:42 Caller He dropped her recently. She moved to another, they live in like two hours away from each other.

1:30:47 Adam Well, listen, if he dropped her, then it's okay. If she broke his heart, it's not okay. Okay. As far as your buddy goes.

1:30:55 Drew He dropped her.

1:30:56 Adam Here's what I'm saying. Let's use...

1:30:58 Drew But she's not into John anyway.

1:30:59 Adam I know, but let's use me and Ben and Nicky Cox as an example. If I was dating Nicky Cox and very much in love with Nicky Cox, as of course any sane man would be, and she dumped me, as any sane girl would, and Ben started seeing, and Ben and I were maybe even closer than we are now, which I don't think is even hypothetically possible, but let's say we were just somehow sewed together and our organs, major arteries were fused together and we actually needed each other's blood to live, which is the only way we could get closer, but the point is, is I would be angry at him if Nicky dumped me and I was heartbroken over her. If I dumped Nicky and decided to move on...

1:31:39 Drew You might be relieved if Ben still swooped in. I would be relieved.

1:31:43 Adam And actually it would mean I was gay if I dumped Nicky Cox.

1:31:45 Drew Of course.

1:31:46 Adam Where are you going?

1:31:46 Ben Stein You'd certainly be insane.

1:31:48 Adam It's sane and gay, gay and insane.

1:31:51 Drew You'd probably be dumping Nicky for a ban and that could create a problem.

1:31:54 Adam Right. Okay, but the point is, is it makes a big difference who dropped who in any of these scenarios. And yes, I'm not so sure she's in love with John either. I know Drew's suspicions on that and he's right about that just like he's right about junkies. All right, we'll take a quick break. Ben Stein, Ben Stein's going. He's tired. He's bored. He's got a book. He's miserable.

1:32:15 Drew It's late for him.

1:32:16 Adam It's late for Ben. Ben, God bless you. Come back anytime.

1:32:19 Ben Stein Thank you. This was very, very, very interesting and incredibly funny. I don't think I've ever heard a funnier conversation than your conversation with the woman whose husband is in prison.

1:32:28 Adam Thank you. I'll plug the book while you're on the road.

1:32:31 Ben Stein Thank you.

1:32:31 Adam We'll be back after this. Well, that's it. Marilyn Manson coming in tomorrow night. Sarah Silverman Thursday. Want to thank Ben Stein. How to Ruin Your Love Life. Name of the book, and just a little piece of business to take care of. Ben, if you're in the car and you're listening, you wanted an answer. Tex Watson, former Manson family member, and killer, incarcerated for life, has had four kids.

1:33:03 Drew Four in prison, all four in prison.

1:33:06 Adam All in the joint, four kids. That's your taxpayers' money, hard at work, ACLU homeless. Keep it up.

1:33:12 Drew One of the other women that was in the... Thank you.

1:33:13 Adam True, your mic's not on. Ted Bundy has at least one kid from in the joint, and sweet dreams. So until next time, the sound crawler for Dr. Drew, say mahalo.

1:33:23 Caller Well, actually, I did it there in the prison. In the visiting room.

1:33:26 Drew Has sex with him?

1:33:28 Caller No. Well, yeah. No.

1:33:33 This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gould. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Tuesday, October 7, 2003