Episode 1000574454437

0:54 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content.

0:58 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised.

1:00 Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:04 Adam That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1- Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Bill Bellamy is in the studio tonight.

1:14 Bill Bellamy You know what? I feel like a part of the family. We've come a long way, guys. We've come a long way together, man. You've solved all my problems. Thank you very much.

1:22 Drew Really?

1:25 Adam It's been quite some time since Bill's been in here.

1:27 Drew It's been like three months, almost nine weeks.

1:31 Adam He's got something to plug. I know how it works.

1:33 Bill Bellamy Yeah, I'm actually this weekend. I'm performing down in Braya, brand new club. Improvs off the hook. It's going to be a wonderful weekend.

1:42 Adam Wait a minute. There was no Braya improv before this.

1:45 Bill Bellamy It was, but it was small. You know, it was kind of tiny or whatever. They went and expanded and, you know, put it in a new building and things like that.

1:53 Adam Let me say this. I was thinking about this before I took my nap tonight. I often it's my time of reflection.

2:00 I know.

2:01 Adam Wait a minute. It's time I beat off. I reflect later after I get up from the nap. That's right. That's my order.

2:07 Drew About how you feel guilty and right. Never do that again.

2:10 Adam Oh, no, that's after that.

2:12 Drew Yeah.

2:12 Adam But I was thinking about Bill Bellamy and I was thinking, this guy is a legitimate celebrity who you can go watch to stand up in the flesh. It's not like some of our other, you know, it's not like a Jeff Ross. God bless him. I love Jeff Ross.

2:25 Drew Right.

2:26 Adam But come on, he's Jeff Ross. You know, we know a lot of these guys. They're not actual. They're comedians. They're not celebrities.

2:33 Bill Bellamy Right.

2:34 Adam And Bill Bellamy, celebrity.

2:36 That's the point.

2:38 Bill Bellamy I don't know how I did it. I don't know how I did it.

2:40 Adam I don't know why you did it.

2:41 Bill Bellamy I don't know why. I mean, you know what?

2:43 Adam Why are you doing it? You're a big celebrity. You don't need. He doesn't need to do this. That's what I'm saying.

2:48 Bill Bellamy The thing about it is, yes, are you right? I don't really need to be doing a stand up. But when I came in his business and I started out, nobody knew my name. No, nothing. I was just grinding it out. New York being a stand up comic. And this is my thing. It's sort of like my nirvana. You know what I'm saying? When I'm on stage, like I always write, I always write, even if I'm doing a TV show or whatever.

3:08 Drew This is Adam. When you talk like that, I don't hear like Charlie Brown's teacher. And the idea of A, work, B, standing in front of people and producing an entertaining experience. Adam, I know it's a stretch for you. Some people actually enjoy that.

3:22 Bill Bellamy I love it. I mean, if I didn't like it, I wouldn't do it. And I love to, you know, get out there and meet the fans, the people that, you know, come to my website, that, you know, come to me on the street or people that grew up with me on MTV. You know what I'm saying?

3:35 Adam And are you one of those guys who got started when you're like 11 or something? Like you're doing stand up. You knew you want to do stand up when you're 14. Good. Don't you hate those guys?

3:45 Bill Bellamy Sometimes I wish I knew, like, I was like, man, I could have been doing my dream earlier, but I guess everything happens at the right time, you know, prepared me for whatever. But sometimes I'm like, how did you know you want to be an actor at eight?

3:57 Adam Yeah, I hate any. But I don't like anyone who knew what they were going to be, even if it's an, you know, could be an attorney, I knew I was going to be a postman. I don't care if it's if it's crackhead. You know, in the eighth grade, I'm angry at you. I don't like you. You don't like that. Your head should be spinning around. You should like I thought I was going to be a pirate astronaut. What? I was in the ninth grade.

4:18 Bill Bellamy Yeah, man.

4:19 Adam Yeah, I didn't know I was a pro football player. I'm going to be a pro football player slash pirate astronaut. Like, I was still in high school when I thought that I was in eighth grade.

4:28 Bill Bellamy I thought I was going to be a lawyer or something. I was thinking I would want to be a lawyer. I wanted to be a basketball, NBA basketball player. I wanted to be an architect. I wanted to I wanted to be able to like to draw my own home when I was little. I was like, oh, well, be so cool. Like, if I could just just draw a building and like then somebody would make it. Oh, that'd be my building. Didn't happen. Way to go, B.

4:54 Adam White guys never do that. I never go like, I'm going to build my own building. You know what I'm saying?

5:02 Bill Bellamy Come on, man, you can say that. I'm sure you have some way out dreams, man.

5:06 Adam I know, but I never shout my initials at the end of them.

5:08 Bill Bellamy Oh, you didn't?

5:09 Adam I never was.

5:11 Bill Bellamy You ever see like Trump Plaza, like when I was a kid, right? And I'm like, damn, he got his own building, Trump Tower. I mean, how do you get your name like Bellamy's Tower?

5:22 Adam Bellamy is a good name for that kind of...

5:25 Bill Bellamy You know Bellamy Apartments, man. It might be like Bellamy Projects.

5:30 Drew I mean, at least it sounds like a nice part of town.

5:33 Bill Bellamy Where do you live?

5:34 Drew We live in Bellamy.

5:35 Adam He's from Bellamy Heights, man.

5:36 Drew He came up height.

5:38 Adam He started boxing out of Bellamy Heights. He came up through the mean streets. He found his way into a boy's home over in Bellamy Heights. Bellamy Heights could be bad. So anyway, you can see Bellamy over there.

5:52 Bill Bellamy From Bellamy Heights.

5:53 Adam At the Brea Improv and that is Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. That is starting this Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Let's see. Two shows on Friday and two shows on Saturday. And for what it's worth, I miss Fastlane.

6:08 Bill Bellamy Yes.

6:09 Adam I like that show.

6:10 Bill Bellamy Man, let me tell you, there are a lot of disappointed people out there. I thought that Fox was very, very courageous in trying to do a show like that for TV. Just when we get the show right.

6:21 Adam Right.

6:22 Bill Bellamy Just when we figured out what characters are doing what and you know, whatever is this and Tiffany's doing that and Peter's doing that. Cut. Well. Just like that.

6:32 Adam You know what, I was thinking about it and I was thinking it had to be a really expensive show to make.

6:37 Bill Bellamy That was really the problem we had because.

6:39 Adam It's like making a movie. Have you ever seen the show, Drew? It's a crazy stunt, shot on a film, locations everywhere. I mean, it had to be made. It seemed like it was like making a medium. Yeah, Tiffany.

6:52 Bill Bellamy I charged them a lot.

6:53 Adam It's like making a medium budget film every week.

6:55 Bill Bellamy In eight days. And truly, that's what it was. I mean, we couldn't consistently get the numbers that we wanted or that the network wanted because it would be like one week we do fabulous, right? The second week we do decent. Third week we do fabulous. And then the fourth week would be like nobody would watch. So then they stopped us for baseball. Just as the momentum is going good. They stopped us for baseball for like five weeks. How do you find Fastlane?

7:23 Adam You can't find it.

7:24 Bill Bellamy You know, you're looking at Joe Millionaire.

7:26 Adam No. And also when you think about what it costs to produce Joe Millionaire as opposed to Fastlane.

7:32 Bill Bellamy And he ain't really a millionaire.

7:33 Adam No.

7:34 Bill Bellamy He's broke. He gets paid a hundred dollars and he gets to screw up about, what, how many women he had on that show? About 20?

7:39 Adam He screwed about 20.

7:41 Bill Bellamy They need to let a brother beat Joe Millionaire.

7:44 Adam Yeah, you're right.

7:46 Bill Bellamy Or at least the Bachelor.

7:48 Adam Yeah, the Bachelor could do it.

7:49 Bill Bellamy And it should, if you don't do a brother on The Bachelor, they should at least do like at least two black girls. Because the first one's gone on the first day.

7:57 Adam How about just doing one called Taboo, and it's the black dude and it's all white blonde shit? Yeah.

8:04 Bill Bellamy Yeah.

8:05 Adam That is something for everybody.

8:06 Bill Bellamy That should be the OJ. That show would be called the OJ.

8:10 Adam Just a bunch of lily white blonde hair kids and one guy.

8:13 Bill Bellamy I mean like so lily white too, like Becky.

8:16 Adam Yeah.

8:17 Bill Bellamy Susie.

8:18 Adam And the guy.

8:19 Bill Bellamy Aaron.

8:19 Adam The guy, he's not Bill Bellamy. I'm sorry. But it's the dude who plays.

8:24 Bill Bellamy Like a real crazy 50 Cent.

8:26 Adam You know the Reebok commercials?

8:31 Bill Bellamy Tate.

8:31 Adam Tate, the office linebacker. Terry Tate. Yeah, it's that dude.

8:34 Bill Bellamy It's got to be him. That would be hysterical.

8:36 Adam Right.

8:37 Bill Bellamy And he's got to pound him out. Like in between commercials, all you hear is, I told you I was a linebacker.

8:45 Adam And then you're like, coming up this week, a very special episode. Tate doesn't rape anyone. Turns out he blew out a knee raping last week. Right.

8:57 Bill Bellamy So now he's talking.

8:58 Adam It's very special, but it's a special episode. I would watch that, Drew.

9:01 Drew I have no doubt you would.

9:02 Adam I would get ratings.

9:03 I would be right on top of that.

9:05 Drew Right after.

9:06 Bill Bellamy How do you work with this great eye for the queer guy? How do you work with this guy?

9:09 He gets paid.

9:10 Adam He gets paid the same as me, which I find ridiculous. Imagine, imagine getting paid the same.

9:16 Bill Bellamy How? He went to school, man. You didn't go to school. You've been crazy your whole life.

9:22 Adam I didn't go to school, but I say, who makes more? You or Seinfeld? And then he shuts up. That's right. That's what I'm saying.

9:30 Bill Bellamy But you're saying you're Jerry Seinfeld's status and you're getting like Gary Coleman benefits. It's not right.

9:37 Adam Yeah, not even Coleman benefits.

9:39 Drew Taking some calls.

9:40 Adam All right. I'm saying I'm the comedian.

9:42 Bill Bellamy You the man.

9:43 Adam This Dr. Drew.

9:43 Bill Bellamy So you're saying you're Kobe. You're Kobe. And he's Derek Fisher.

9:48 Adam No, I'm saying I'm Kobe and he's the chick from the work at the hotel. That's what I'm saying. Now hold still and shut up. Well, is he guilty? Let's talk about.

10:02 Bill Bellamy Oh, my God. No, I say innocent.

10:05 Adam I say innocent. I hope he's innocent.

10:07 Bill Bellamy I hope he is, too. I don't want to see anybody catch a flat like that. You know, I mean, I'm hoping that he will be rectified, that the girl doesn't go through too much, but I doubt it. I think it's going to be somebody's going to take it. Take a fall, right? They're going to probably, you know, I don't know, somebody's character is going to get assassinated.

10:25 Drew I'm a rapist.

10:26 Adam Drew, please. We're talking about Kobe.

10:28 Drew Oh, sorry, sorry.

10:29 Adam This, yeah, this is going to be, it's going to be big.

10:31 Bill Bellamy It's going to be ugly.

10:32 Adam And I'll tell you, all, and all Kobe can hope for, and I know it's going to sound horrible, but I was thinking the other day about how 9-11 got a few people out of trouble, not the people involved with 9-11, but Ellen DeGeneres, and not Ellen DeGeneres.

10:48 Bill Bellamy Gary, the guy who, Gary Conde got it.

10:52 Adam Gary Conde.

10:52 Bill Bellamy He was so excited.

10:53 Adam All it was, you know, all the talk was Gary Conde, and what's her name, Shondra Levy, and he killed her, and he had her killed, and you never heard about it again. What's her name, the female comedian was boozing and feeling up 9-year-olds and everything. She was like arraigned on that day, you know what I mean? All this stuff just went away, so all I'm saying. I'm not, I'm not.

11:15 Bill Bellamy Not bad though, let's not, let's not.

11:17 Adam Don't keep your fingers crossed, but if you're Lakers fan, no. I'm just saying it's gonna take something like that and the timing's gonna have to be just good enough and that's the only way he's getting out unscathed. Otherwise it's a, it's getting months.

11:31 Bill Bellamy What is she like? Did you ever see the movie Final Destination?

11:34 Adam Yeah.

11:34 Bill Bellamy Well there was a scene when the girl walks off the curb and then like the bus is like BAAAHHHHH. What if that happened to her? You think people would be mad?

11:41 Adam Well you mean people would think she, she had a contract put out on her? Because they had this dude.

11:47 Bill Bellamy That's what I heard.

11:48 Adam Who was gonna kill her.

11:48 Bill Bellamy What?

11:49 Adam Yeah. Did you hear about this Drew?

11:50 Bill Bellamy He wanted to kill the girl, did you? It was in the news.

11:52 Adam He offered to do it.

11:53 Bill Bellamy Offered for three million.

11:54 Adam It was like this said he had connections to like the Aryan Brotherhood or something.

11:59 Bill Bellamy Who did he, who was gonna pay him though? I heard you was gonna pay him.

12:04 Drew Who turned him in?

12:04 Adam I don't know.

12:07 Bill Bellamy I heard you was gonna give him 1.5.

12:08 Adam I said I was in for a taste but didn't say I was gonna pay the whole god damn thing. Drew you remember that?

12:12 Drew You said that I know what you're talking about.

12:15 Adam He's in trouble. We'll keep our fingers crossed for COVID.

12:19 Bill Bellamy I've never seen a Dr. Sole Bang. He must have some weed in the cup.

12:23 Adam He doesn't have a care in the world. He gets paid the same as me. I bust my hump hair every night. He just sits back, collects his check and goes home in his BMW.

12:31 Bill Bellamy He went to med school man. I'm telling you that's worth it all man. He went to med school. That's a hard feat man.

12:37 Adam Yeah.

12:38 Drew Thank you.

12:40 Adam His dad paid for it. Had a step mom kicking me out of the garage for Christ's sake. Couldn't even be in the garage. Wasn't even attached to the house. Couldn't be in the garage.

12:50 Drew Hi Kira. Hi. He's had a lot.

12:52 Adam I was there today.

12:53 Drew Imagine if you hadn't had therapy. He's got 15 years under his belt.

12:57 Bill Bellamy Oklahoma. What's up?

12:59 Adam Kira.

13:00 Bill Bellamy Yes.

13:01 Adam You're 24. What's up?

13:03 Caller Pretty much. I started dating my boyfriend about three months ago. Or actually six months ago but about three months ago he started stimulating me with his fingers and pretty much he hits my G spot and it makes it when I come I can like squirt him across the room like past his head.

13:25 Bill Bellamy Wow.

13:26 Caller Yeah.

13:28 Drew Bill, you like that?

13:28 Bill Bellamy Yeah, that was hot because she said she can squirt clear across the room. I just saw a stream.

13:34 Drew Is it a spray or a stream?

13:35 Bill Bellamy Is it a spray or a stream? Is it a stream? That's a good question.

13:38 Caller I guess it's kind of, I don't know.

13:43 Drew You don't see it.

13:43 Bill Bellamy Does it feel good though? Is it like a good thing?

13:46 Caller Oh yeah, definitely.

13:47 Drew A stream might be urine, right?

13:50 Caller Well, but it doesn't smell like urine or like taste like it. He says it doesn't taste like urine.

13:56 Adam Doesn't taste like urine.

13:57 Bill Bellamy So you just, he's standing against the wall and you shoot it in his mouth.

14:02 Adam It's like a seltzer bottle.

14:05 Drew So is there a question?

14:06 Bill Bellamy What's your question? Because you're doing fine right now.

14:08 Caller Oh yeah, definitely. My question is just pretty much for Dr. Drew, where does it come from and how does female orgasm work?

14:15 Drew I was thinking about the family guy tonight. They had a sex education class which was vagina junction. What's your question?

14:21 Adam Oh yeah, I saw that one. That was a good one. So where does it go, Drew?

14:25 Drew It either comes from the bladder, in which case it is female orgasmic incontinence, or it comes from the think, and actually there's some debate about this, but there's a multiplicity of glands in that area, the Bartholomew's gland, the Skeen's gland, and there's lots of opportunity for stuff to be produced. And so there's just a discharge with a very strong contraction where it's all sort of released.

14:44 Adam What if you did something to the actual opening that it came out of? I'm not talking about the vagina, but I'm talking about, I mean it comes out like a sieve.

14:55 Bill Bellamy It only comes out during an orgasm?

14:57 Drew Yeah.

14:59 Bill Bellamy Why doesn't every woman do it? Because you know, it's just like you don't see that that often. They call them squirters.

15:04 Drew Yeah. I don't know.

15:05 Bill Bellamy I think everyone should squirt. Yeah, but.

15:08 Adam Well, we just got all, do you hear that?

15:11 Drew We're on a few second delay now. We can't in our head. We can't hear a damn thing.

15:14 Adam Well, listen, I'm taking my headphones off.

15:16 It'll be better.

15:17 Adam Hey, I don't know if anyone's into that. Are you into that, Bill?

15:20 Bill Bellamy Yeah, I think that squirting is really fabulous. It's at first, though, it feels weird because the first time it ever happened to me, I was kind of thrown off.

15:29 Well, hold on.

15:30 Adam That was a dude.

15:31 Bill Bellamy No. This was a girl and it was a little crazy because you don't know.

15:36 Drew Was she peeing?

15:37 No.

15:37 Bill Bellamy It was just like she said. It was like, you know, right during the orgasm.

15:43 Adam Where were you?

15:44 I mean, were you on top or was your head down there?

15:47 Bill Bellamy No, no, no. I think I was on the bottom. Yeah, I was on the bottom.

15:50 Adam That's good.

15:51 Bill Bellamy That's what it is.

15:51 Adam But you weren't performing all the sex.

15:53 Bill Bellamy Oh, no, that would just be crazy. You just need to shampoo on the spot.

15:58 Yeah.

15:58 Adam See, that could happen.

15:59 Yeah.

16:00 Bill Bellamy Dr. Drew, have you ever experienced a squirter before?

16:04 Drew Well, some I've missed in my life.

16:05 Bill Bellamy It just constantly jerks off. Okay. Adam, have you ever experienced a squirter?

16:09 Adam No, no. But I've never been with someone who had an orgasm. I'm really, I don't know that women can have orgasms. I'm always suspicious when I hear about it.

16:19 Bill Bellamy I think you might be, I think you might be a little quick on the draw there, buddy.

16:23 Adam No, no.

16:24 Drew No, he's the ninja.

16:24 Adam I take a long time. They just don't know, they don't know I'm in them.

16:28 Bill Bellamy They just think, they still, you know, they don't feel nothing, but you tearing it up, smoke everywhere.

16:36 Adam In my mind.

16:36 Bill Bellamy In your mind, you're killing it.

16:37 Adam Yeah, I'm killing it.

16:39 Bill Bellamy I love you like a fat kid.

16:40 Adam Yeah, it's like beating someone up who's asleep and they don't wake up. You know what I mean? You think you're kicking ass.

16:45 Caller You ain't doing nothing.

16:47 Adam Yeah, but I've given a few via the oral sex, but never, maybe I have. But you know, it's weird. I don't like like once in a while you'll tell the chick like, like she'll be like, I can't have one if you're in me. I can only have one if I'm rubbing on myself or rubbing on me. And you go like, why don't you rub on yourself while I'm in you? And they go, OK, I'll try that. And they go, no, no, no, no, not working. And you're like, what?

17:12 Drew Why?

17:12 Adam Why wouldn't that work? I mean, yeah.

17:14 Drew You got your penis.

17:15 Adam You got my penis. This little one. You got your hand. It's like they're like, no, it's too much, too much, too much.

17:22 Yeah.

17:22 Bill Bellamy They can't. Maybe they can't focus.

17:24 Adam No guy has ever said too much.

17:26 Right.

17:26 Drew That is again one of the biological differences between men and women. There's no equivalent for that in the male.

17:31 Bill Bellamy We don't have that problem.

17:32 Adam Like, no guy, no guy.

17:33 Drew There's no perceptual experience like that.

17:36 Adam No guy ever, no guy ever was like banging some chick doggy style, had another chick licking on his neck and another chick licking his nipple and went, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. That's too much. I'm being overwhelmed.

17:49 Bill Bellamy I think that's a straight cardiac arrest right there.

17:52 Adam Let's all just step back.

17:53 Bill Bellamy Can you just back up off me?

17:55 Adam We need some, we need some cuddling for a minute here. No, that guy's like, who's got some coke? Now we got to do some coke. That's what guys are like. Chicks are like, chicks get like, you go, you know, get the vibrator out. Let me get going. Oh, no, too much.

18:12 Bill Bellamy I think the ladies need to work that out.

18:14 Adam We should all come together.

18:15 Bill Bellamy We should all mentally get stimulated.

18:16 They should figure that out.

18:18 Drew Really, they should figure it out amongst themselves, but they don't talk about it. Yeah. And there's no sort of language for them or forum for them to talk about it realistically.

18:26 Bill Bellamy Wow.

18:27 Drew It's all supposed to be like, their thing is if you're not like a 17 year old male, then you're flawed. So shut up. Don't talk about it. There you go.

18:33 Adam Vianna?

18:34 Viani.

18:36 Bill Bellamy Sorry.

18:37 Adam What's up? You're 25.

18:39 Caller I'm 25 and I have this situation where I am constantly needing and wanting sex 24 hours a day. And I've always been like this. It's not like where it's something where it just automatically happens. It's happened since I was like nine years old.

18:58 Drew That suggests something special happened when you were like six.

19:01 Caller I'm really horny on the time. All the time.

19:06 Bill Bellamy Always horny?

19:07 Adam Anything happened to you? You get molested or your dad leave you or do something weird to you or something?

19:13 Drew No.

19:13 Caller You know, I've gone to counseling for it because I am actually divorced and my ex-husband couldn't keep up with me and he used to take like those horrible pills to try and keep up with me but it didn't work and now the boyfriend I have, he's always sore and says that, you know, I mean he's keeping up pretty good.

19:32 Adam How many times a week are you good for?

19:37 Caller I'm at least three or four times a day. It's in the morning, it's at night, I wake up and I'll go at it.

19:45 Are you not wrong?

19:46 Bill Bellamy You're not wrong?

19:47 Caller You know what, I am wrong and that's one thing I was going to talk to you guys about because I'm at the point where I am wrong but you know what, it's a wrong word. I'm like, I kind of like it.

19:58 Drew Yeah, I think something happened.

20:00 Adam Something seems weird here. We're not missing anything?

20:03 Caller No, and you know what, I've gone to counselors, I've gone to psychologists actually and I've been to I don't know how many because like even I was…

20:12 Adam Alright, Drew, what about…

20:14 Drew Let me ask you a question. You grew up with your biological parents?

20:18 Caller Yes, they're both married still. I have a normal family. My father is an attorney and actually I'm well stable and I've gone to college and…

20:28 Drew And you have relationships that are stable?

20:30 Caller Yeah, I was married for seven and a half years. He was psycho though because he was in the Marine Corps and I thought marriage is one thing and you stay married forever and…

20:39 Adam Yeah, but you scrambled his brain with poon tang.

20:42 Drew Maybe.

20:43 Adam He couldn't see straight anymore.

20:45 Drew And your dad was… No one ever hit you growing up?

20:52 Caller He was always gone like on boat and stuff. I mean when he was gone…

20:56 Adam Your husband.

20:56 Drew Let me ask you again. Growing up, no one ever hit you?

21:00 Caller No.

21:01 Drew No.

21:02 Caller I mean I would get to pain because we got in trouble. My father was a strict military guy.

21:07 Drew Okay. And would he hit you with an object?

21:10 Caller A belt.

21:11 Drew Okay. That is physical abuse and that is one of the sources for sexual compulsion like this.

21:18 Caller So that's why I like it rough and my hair pulled and maybe…

21:21 Drew That's where that comes from. Correct. That's where that comes from. Wow.

21:27 Bill Bellamy How do you make that correlation? I don't get it.

21:29 Drew That's why we knew to ask those questions. That's where that comes from.

21:32 Bill Bellamy When you get beat like that and stuff like that…

21:34 Caller Well, it wasn't beat and it wasn't constantly because life was always like that.

21:38 Drew What happens when a child is made to feel powerless and particularly feels pain, it actually prunes out some of the cells in the brain. So in order to feel arousal again, you have to have a very high level of arousal in order to even feel sexual again because that part of the brain doesn't exist. It also walls off parts of the brain that you need to communicate with to have a stable and sort of integrated experience in a relationship.

22:01 Caller Whoa.

22:02 Drew But wait a minute. And so she chooses a guy who's abusive. That's the Marine guy that she chose.

22:06 Caller True.

22:07 Drew That was abusive. And what becomes, makes powerlessness in childhood becomes attraction after puberty. So things that made her feel powerless now become very alluring. And that's where it all comes from.

22:17 Bill Bellamy See, that's why he gets the money. See that? You would have never said that.

22:21 Drew No, he would. He knows it.

22:22 Bill Bellamy No, he don't know that. He would have said, spank her ass some more.

22:25 Caller Especially the Marine Corps guy was such, he didn't have a spine and he couldn't strap his balls on. So he never, he wasn't like that.

22:34 Adam You are angry, baby doll. What are you so angry? I mean, I understand you're angry. It sounds like you just hated your dad and now you're angry at old man.

22:42 Caller No, I love my dad.

22:43 Drew See, she doesn't know that.

22:44 Adam What do you mean? Your dad doesn't sound like a great guy. First of all, he's an attorney. He has to be a bad guy.

22:49 Caller No.

22:49 Adam All attorneys are evil, just like all doctors are spineless.

22:54 Caller Right, Drew? Yeah.

22:55 Adam Wines and pee with them all over the state.

22:58 Caller He went for a law firm where there were the big law firm, the Philips & Associates out here and he didn't like the way they were treating people and they were like money hungry so he went on his own because he thought he could help.

23:10 Adam What about the part where he was beating you with a belt?

23:13 Caller When I was young, I mean he wasn't beating, he wasn't like sitting there just like threatening.

23:20 Adam Well, some people this happens to when they don't turn out like you and then other people do, but you happen to be one of the people that turned out like you.

23:27 Drew Because of it.

23:28 Adam It's quite a coincidence.

23:29 Bill Bellamy I have a question. If you're raw, right, and you know that's sort of like uncomfortable.

23:34 Drew But she likes the pain. Pain is part of the experience of arousing for her.

23:37 Bill Bellamy Why can't you just give yourself a day of rest, you know, let your body heal so you can enjoy it should be an enjoyable thing. But Dr. saying that it's more of a, the pain is more.

23:47 Adam It's like saying if you're high on speed and you're freaked out and you haven't slept for three days, why are you going out to score more? You know what I mean?

23:55 Drew Same thing. All right.

23:57 Adam So listen, Vianney.

23:58 Drew You may also have some bipolar stuff going on too.

24:00 Adam You got some issues. You're going to have to work on this because you're not going to correct this problem by finding a super horny guy who'll bang you five times a day.

24:08 Drew Or denying that it exists. You know, people are trained to man.

24:11 Caller How many counselors do I need to go to for them to all tell me that I'm okay, that I'm just...

24:16 Drew Go to one that... First of all, see a psychiatrist and see one who has experience with sexual compulsions.

24:23 Adam You got a vibrator?

24:25 Drew You have?

24:26 Adam I do.

24:26 Drew Wait a minute. You saw somebody with... No, no.

24:28 Adam She has a vibrator.

24:29 Drew I understand.

24:30 Adam Both. She has a vibrator and a shrink who specializes in sexual compulsions. That's where she got the vibrator.

24:36 Drew Vianney, I'm going to recommend a name to you, Patrick Carnes.

24:40 Adam She lives in Phoenix.

24:41 Drew He's in Arizona.

24:42 Adam Really?

24:42 Drew Yeah.

24:43 Adam What the hell kind of shrink goes to Arizona?

24:45 Drew That's where it is.

24:45 Bill Bellamy It's hot out there. That's where a lot of people hone in.

24:48 Adam The brains fry out there.

24:50 Bill Bellamy It's hot. 100 to 14 every day. You need to get some love on.

24:54 Drew Vianney, at The Meadows. Okay? The Meadows.

24:56 Adam Listen, Vianney.

24:57 Drew The Meadows, yes.

24:58 Adam How often do you use that vibrator?

25:01 Caller Not often anymore. Now that I have my boyfriend.

25:04 Adam You're going to wear him out like a Mexican wearing out a Harachi. Do you understand?

25:10 Drew More like a number two pencil.

25:11 Bill Bellamy You're going to ruin your relationships. You're going to ruin all your relationships.

25:14 Adam You can't. I mean like a number two pencil. Yeah, she's going to grind it down. Yeah. Thing just goes in. It's like a...

25:19 Bill Bellamy You can't do anything too much like that. That's like anything too much. Anything is bad.

25:24 Adam That's right. That's right.

25:25 Drew I'm not going to say bad, but it means something.

25:26 Adam I told Drew... That's what I said about the back door with Drew. I said, that's enough.

25:31 Drew That's what I said.

25:32 Adam That's enough. That's what I said.

25:36 Drew You said, finally.

25:37 Adam That's fine. That's enough. That's enough. Yeah. Listen, she... Now, look, I agree with Drew. We'd like to just say, oh man, this chick is hot, she is horny, but this chick has got problems. Serious issues.

25:48 Bill Bellamy I mean, that's a bit excessive.

25:51 Adam Bill Bellamy in studio tonight. You can see him down at the Abrea Improv and that's Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Two shows. Two big shows.

26:00 Bill Bellamy Two big ones.

26:01 Adam Two big shows.

26:02 Bill Bellamy On Friday, two big shows.

26:03 Adam On Friday and Saturday.

26:05 Bill Bellamy And Saturday, two big shows. Everything else is one. And I'll tell you what you want to do with a woman that wants that horny. You want that for a weekend. Like that's cool for a weekend. Like you guys go somewhere and you do it like that all weekend. That's hot.

26:18 Adam Yeah.

26:19 Bill Bellamy But come Monday, kill yourself.

26:21 Adam That's right.

26:21 Bill Bellamy This is done.

26:22 Adam You got to take a little Bactine bath and get a crab comb and really do some soul searching. Just a Bible and a crab comb. That's what I do on Monday. All right. We'll take ourselves a little break. We'll be right back.

26:34 Caller Hello, is this your radio?

26:42 Bill Bellamy As many as one in three Americans with HIV don't know it. To find a testing location near you, call toll-free 1-866-344-K-N-O-W.

27:08 Adam An arcade. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1.

27:13 Bill Bellamy Give us a call.

27:14 Adam Bill Bellamy.

27:15 Drew Despite of Bill going steady with us, he doesn't seem to know much about me, does he?

27:18 Adam Bill would be a great investigative journalist, because Bill's like, how long have you been doing the show, dog? Twenty years. Damn, twenty years! When did you start?

27:31 Let's see.

27:32 Bill Bellamy I didn't say I was a math major.

27:34 Adam 2003.

27:36 Bill Bellamy Mine is 20.

27:37 Eighty-three. That's a hard-hitting interview.

27:42 Bill Bellamy Like he was going to say, 63.

27:45 Adam I've been doing the show for one hundred years.

27:48 Damn!

27:49 Adam When did you start? Let's see. 1903. I don't know if he didn't, but I thought he just didn't believe you.

28:00 Bill Bellamy That's right. That's basically what I was saying.

28:03 Adam Like he was working at the door. Dr. Shapiro, you say you're 39. What year were you born, son?

28:11 Caller An 88.

28:14 Adam People do that on this show all the time. They try to pass themselves off at 22 and you're like, OK, when were you born? And they're like, uh, 90.

28:23 Bill Bellamy Let's see.

28:24 Adam I'm 89. Listen, here's how you know you're busted. If you got to do like a four second uh before you give the date, that means you're doing some math.

28:35 Bill Bellamy Yeah, you're doing wrong.

28:36 Adam And usually then get it wrong too. And I would say not within five years oftentimes. Here's the rule. If you're going to lie, lie in increments of ten. It just makes it easy if someone pops you. Like if you're 15, say you're 20, then you can go back and you can say I was born in 83. Or say you're 30 and go back and say you were born in 73. You know, it makes it easier. Don't pass yourself off as 37 and a half.

29:02 Bill Bellamy It's way too much math.

29:04 Adam Way too much math. You'll have yourself being born around World War I. All right, Bill Bellamy going to be at the La Brea, or I should say the Brea Improv, which is coming up this week, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, two big shows.

29:18 Bill Bellamy I think that's Orange County, isn't it?

29:20 Adam I'd say it is.

29:21 Bill Bellamy Orange County, yeah.

29:22 Adam No better place to see comedy performed than Orange County. To the OC. Yep. You go down to the OC. You see the BB and the OC. Yeah, Drew, you take it from AC.

29:32 Bill Bellamy I like that. I like how you doing it, Bill.

29:35 Adam I like it.

29:37 Drew Will?

29:38 Hey.

29:39 Adam You're 18. What's up?

29:40 Drew Yeah.

29:41 Oh, dude. Adam and you are a comedic genius.

29:45 Adam Thank you.

29:46 And Dr. Drew, I, you, I, words can't describe you, my friend. Words cannot describe you.

29:52 Adam 20 years.

29:54 Bill Bellamy All you gotta do is go to med school, man. You can do it, too.

29:57 Oh, I'm trying.

29:58 Caller I'm on my way. I'm on my way.

30:00 That's hot.

30:00 Adam What's up, Will?

30:01 Yeah, I'm 18 years old, and so school just started. I'm a freshman in college.

30:06 Drew It's pretty hot.

30:07 And so we had this little escape thing where we went to the mountains, you know, and one of my good friends from high school came with me. And so-

30:17 Drew You mean like a freshman retreat kind of thing?

30:19 Yeah, I kind of like that, yeah.

30:20 Drew So people from your new school took off and went to a camping trip.

30:25 Correct. All right. Yeah. So we're going up in the Santa Cruz mountains and, you know, we're all sitting on the campfire and stuff and we all had a few drinks in us. And-

30:38 Today, Junior!

30:40 So we had a few drinks in us and we go to bed and my best friend, we've been like platonic friends forever, and she's really hot. And I go to bed-

30:48 Drew Why she just been a friend?

30:51 And so she gives me a little wink and I'm like, dude, what's up? And she's like, I'd like-

31:00 Caller No, no, You get nothing, you get nothing.

31:09 Adam She gives me a little wink. What the hell are you talking about, you retard?

31:14 Caller She's a really hot chick.

31:16 Adam Hot chicks don't go camping, by the way. That's the only important one.

31:19 Drew Why was she just a friend?

31:20 Adam Yeah, please.

31:21 Drew And he was very unspecific about what this camper was.

31:23 Caller Gave me a little wink.

31:24 Bill Bellamy She's probably a cyclops.

31:26 Adam No, she didn't give him nothing, and he didn't get anything.

31:28 Drew It's just completely bogus.

31:31 Caller Sad.

31:31 Drew That wasn't even a good bogus.

31:33 Adam No, but I think it was good because I think Bill's stoned. I mean, not Bill, Will.

31:37 Drew No, no.

31:38 Bill Bellamy Will said he wasn't drinking.

31:39 Caller Come on.

31:40 Drew No.

31:40 Caller Come on.

31:40 Adam He's got to be stoned.

31:41 Caller Will.

31:43 Adam You got to be baked or drunk, right?

31:46 Caller I was a little baked.

31:47 Adam No, I mean right now. Right now.

31:50 Bill Bellamy Right this second, Will. What's your point? What's your question? What are you going to know? Forget it.

31:54 He doesn't get a question.

31:54 Drew He doesn't get a question.

31:56 Bill Bellamy It's all bogus.

31:56 It's all bogus.

31:58 Adam Wait, you're high. Are you high now?

32:01 Drew No.

32:01 Adam Okay.

32:02 Drew That's bad news.

32:03 Adam Yeah, because that means this is the way you are all the time. People do that all the time. They always argue. I'm not drunk. Oh, really? Then you're a retard. You should say you're drunk. Yeah. Yeah, because then that means this is just the way you are. That's right.

32:18 Bill Bellamy All day, every day.

32:19 Adam That's right. Unless, ironically, when you're drunk, maybe you're some sort of.

32:23 Drew By the way, I'd like to point out.

32:24 Adam Genius when you're drunk.

32:24 Drew That call has been on the screen each of the last three nights, and it's been on like 90 minutes at a time, and I've not taken it knowing it was a bad call. Really?

32:33 Bill Bellamy You just felt that.

32:33 Drew Tonight, I went, all right, we'll see what he's saying.

32:37 Adam Well, that's my only solace to know that these bogus callers who stay on hold for an hour, two hours at a time.

32:43 Bill Bellamy And have nothing to say.

32:44 Adam Malia? You're 19?

32:47 Bill Bellamy I am.

32:48 Adam What's up?

32:49 Caller Um, last year, I broke up with my ex because he cheated on me with a bunch of girls. And now I've met somebody new who I really like, and I can't seem to get past the trust with thinking that he's going to do the same thing.

33:05 Drew Well, given that you're attracted to him, I'd say that's a reasonable bet.

33:09 Adam Meaning you're attracted to the kind of guys who cheat, right?

33:12 Drew You're attracted to them.

33:13 Adam Well, has this happened before or just to one guy?

33:16 Caller No, it was just him.

33:18 Adam That was the only guy who's cheated on you?

33:19 Bill Bellamy Yes. Was he caught in the act or was it really a tragic...

33:24 Caller No, actually one of his girlfriends called our apartment.

33:28 Drew Your apartment. You were living with him? You're 19.

33:31 Caller Mm-hmm.

33:32 Drew How old was he?

33:33 Caller 33.

33:35 Adam That's great, Drew, please. And what happened? Did you answer the phone?

33:39 Caller Yeah, I answered the phone and...

33:40 Adam And what'd you do? Did you do that thing that chicks do where they get the information and they sit on it for a while and they go, somebody interesting called today, and you go, yeah, and you start hearing that music like it's a movie, start hearing that music. Say they were a friend of yours. Tell me some very interesting things about...

33:57 Caller I got all the details like most women would, and then I sat on it for a good five minutes. I threw all of his clothes out of the house and then I gave him two black eyes at work.

34:06 Bill Bellamy Oh, you went to work and just socked him?

34:07 Caller Yeah, in front of all of his coworkers.

34:10 Bill Bellamy Oh, my God. She has fast hands.

34:13 Drew How old is your new boyfriend? Thirty-six.

34:17 Adam Thirty-six. Now, was it one good pop in the nose that gave him the two black eyes or was it a quick left-right combo?

34:22 Caller No.

34:24 Caller I hit him pretty hard.

34:26 Adam Wow.

34:26 Caller I mean, he's six-six and I almost knocked him down, so.

34:29 Drew Answer the question.

34:30 Adam One good shot in the nose?

34:32 Caller I hit him twice.

34:33 Adam Oh, that's what I'm saying. Left-right?

34:35 Bill Bellamy How do you hit a man twice that fast he don't have a chance to block you?

34:39 Drew Maybe got one and then a few minutes later got another good one in the other side.

34:42 Adam And also, when you know you've been busted, like I had a girlfriend punch me out once and I was happy because this then gets you off of whatever it is she was punching you about.

34:52 Bill Bellamy So it's over.

34:53 Adam Well, it's not quite over, but she then is apologizing to you theoretically when you should be apologizing to her and all you got was a whack in the head. I mean, you'll get over that.

35:03 Drew Malia, those are violent persons.

35:05 Bill Bellamy I take it you were very, very hurt. You trusted this person a lot.

35:10 Adam Malia, what are you? What's your nationality? Italian, Mexican, Armenian. What do you got?

35:15 Caller No, I'm Native American and Scottish.

35:18 Caller Oh, cool.

35:19 Adam So you like to do a little drinking, do you? No.

35:22 Caller No?

35:22 Adam No. Really? No boozing? No. Just punching? Yeah. No. No, That's crazy.

35:45 Bill Bellamy That's premeditated. Right. You should have gone to jail for that.

36:00 Adam Yeah, that's premeditated. You should have killed them.

36:00 Bill Bellamy You not killed them, but you should have hit them the moment, the moment you call, because now you got time to think, how can I embarrass this guy? You're driving over there. I'm going to let them know.

36:02 Adam I mean, you could have just put all his clothes in the tub and poured bleach on them.

36:03 Drew That's right.

36:03 Adam I've heard of that. Are you violent? Are you a violent person? No. Oh, please.

36:08 Bill Bellamy Yeah, of course not. Now you come.

36:10 Adam Okay, so you don't have any weird problems here. Nobody was alcoholic in your family or violence or anything?

36:16 Caller Of course. My mother is an alcoholic, yes.

36:19 Drew Yeah, of course.

36:20 Adam All right. Is there violence in your family?

36:22 Caller No.

36:23 Drew Mom was never violent. Please. Come on. Of course she was kind of out of control.

36:25 Adam Somebody had to do something. Otherwise, it's just something up, right?

36:30 Caller My mother had issues with her relationship with her boyfriend.

36:35 Drew With a lot of fighting and violence.

36:37 Caller Yeah, they yelled a lot, but it was never...

36:39 Adam You had to be around a lot of chaos in order to live this kind of life. So, Malia, we don't trust the guy you would choose. That's our problem. You know, it's not that all guys cheat. It's that the guys you choose cheat.

36:51 Drew The ones you're attracted to, the ones you really are into. Those are the guys that are going to cheat.

36:56 Adam You like to dance. You like to mix it up. You like some chaos.

36:59 Drew Because of your chaos, because of the trauma, you got to learn not to go after guys you're super, super attracted to. You got to go to guys that are a little more boring.

37:05 Adam Find a guy that's a little more boring and he wants you.

37:07 Caller I'm not super... He's not one of the guys I'm like, Oh, okay.

37:11 Adam You're not super into it?

37:12 Drew Good, good, good.

37:13 Adam He won't cheat.

37:14 Bill Bellamy How do you go out with somebody that's like, okay?

37:17 Adam You got to drink.

37:18 Bill Bellamy Why would you do that?

37:19 Drew You have a choice. You can be into somebody that really makes you excited and be miserable. Or you can have a pleasant life, a real true intimacy with somebody.

37:27 Bill Bellamy So you're saying to me, I should date.

37:28 Drew Not you.

37:29 Bill Bellamy I'm just saying.

37:30 Drew No, no. You're not. You're a trauma survivor. That's for people that have real serious trauma histories. Whoa.

37:35 Adam See?

37:35 Bill Bellamy So when you date, you shouldn't have a lot of information in your head so that you could figure out what you're dealing with. You need some kind of... You need a questionnaire, basically, when you meet a new chick.

37:47 Adam I'll tell you what we need. You know, you see the quarterbacks in the NFL wearing those wristbands with all the little... Just got to tuck in. Like, you'd be like, how's your dad? What do you think your dad? That son of a bitch. I'll kill him if I ever see him again. Yeah, that's...

38:02 Drew See also an algorithm of a piece of father.

38:06 Adam She orders a Long Island iced tea and you guys are out for lunch and she just shotguns the thing. That's another wristband thing to check. She's a... Yeah, but that... But let me tell you, all this stuff adds up to great sex.

38:18 Bill Bellamy Oh, to sex is...

38:19 Drew Until you...

38:20 Adam But you got to pull out because you get pregnant and then you get married and then you're...

38:26 Drew You actually have a stable relationship, then no sex. Oh, yeah, that happens too. Shuts down.

38:30 Adam Yeah.

38:31 Bill Bellamy What? What'd you say? When you have what?

38:34 Drew If you have somebody like that who's super, super sexual, more often than not, when you actually establish a true intimacy, the sex completely shuts down.

38:41 Bill Bellamy Because they can't do it.

38:42 Drew They can't handle intimacy.

38:43 Adam And then when things start going smoothly for a little bit, they gotta stir it up. So they go nail one of your friends and somehow let you know about it. And then you go flying. Then you get the bleach jug out.

38:54 Bill Bellamy And you get to go push somebody and give them two blackouts.

38:56 Adam They're right in the middle of it. That's just where they like it.

38:59 Drew Good time.

39:00 Adam Let's take ourselves a little break.

39:02 Bill Bellamy That's a great weekend.

39:03 Adam Lessons with Bill Bellamy. Learning all about the ladies. Going to be the Brea Improv coming up Thursday, Friday and Saturday and Sunday, I should say. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

39:17 Caller Loveline. My hair. Loveline on 94.7 NRK.

39:38 Adam That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. What the hell was I going to say? I was thinking, yeah, Cheap Trick is in here tomorrow night. Never even seen those guys, never met them, but I've always dug their music, so they're coming in tomorrow night. We'll talk to them about that. Bill Bellamy in here tonight.

39:55 Bill Bellamy In the house.

39:56 Adam Bill is going to be at the Brea Improv, and that is coming up Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Let me tell you, can they go to your website if they want to find out some stuff about this?

40:07 Bill Bellamy Yeah, they can check out, like if you want to, I just left Miami. I have a lot of tour dates coming up. Check out my website, billbellamy.com, real easy. Check it out. It's right there. All the different shows, movies. I got a guest book if you want to go on and post some questions and stuff. I answer them and stuff like that, so it's pretty cool.

40:26 Adam Bill was telling me during the break that he will, in each and every question that comes on there, he'll have his assistant read those.

40:33 Bill Bellamy Yeah.

40:33 Drew To him? No, just read them.

40:35 Adam Give it to himself. But he has his assistant. Well, it's not really his assistant. It's just a guy.

40:41 Drew Assistant, yeah.

40:43 Adam AD works around the house a little, but he will have him read those things.

40:46 Bill Bellamy Right.

40:47 Adam To himself. And if he sees his lips moving, he'll tell him to close his mouth.

40:51 Bill Bellamy Just close his mouth.

40:54 Adam That's what Bill told me. Each and every one, though. Joe? You're 18? I am. Oh, and then he said he'll have him reply as me, but not to say that on the, oh, sorry. Alright, I screwed that part up. That's right. Joe?

41:10 Caller Yeah.

41:10 Adam What's up? You're 18.

41:12 Caller Yeah, I actually had a question. Oh, first of all, Adam, you're the god, dude. You're awesome.

41:19 Adam What about Bill Bellamy? He's what?

41:21 Caller Bill is sound, I haven't really heard of him, but dude, you're awesome.

41:24 Adam What the hell kind of compliment is that?

41:26 Bill Bellamy He said he never heard of me.

41:28 Adam You never heard of BB from B-Town?

41:32 Caller I heard the name.

41:33 Bill Bellamy You heard the name?

41:34 Caller B.

41:34 Adam Heights.

41:35 Caller He's 18.

41:36 Bill Bellamy He said he heard the name. We know he's heard it before.

41:38 Adam He's representing B. Heights.

41:41 Bill Bellamy How can we help you today?

41:43 Caller Yeah, I actually had a question about tattoos. I'm really looking in to get at least one, but I'm kind of wondering what the risk, like, you know, is there any chance of getting, you know, more like, for skin cancer and like that, and what's the risk taking it off? Is it really expensive, that kind of stuff?

42:01 Drew I don't know of any skin cancer risk. People always worry about the viral infectious diseases like Hep B and Hep C and HIV, which is, you know, if they use a disposable equipment, there's no real chance of that.

42:12 Adam I was thinking, you know what I was thinking about today? You know what looks good? Medium-sized guys don't look right with a tattoo. Super spindly skinny guys like Tommy Lee look good, and then huge buff guys look good. But medium-sized, I'm too medium for a tattoo. It wouldn't work right on me.

42:27 Bill Bellamy Yeah, I know what you mean.

42:28 Adam You're right. You gotta be Iggy Pop kind of skinny.

42:32 Bill Bellamy Yeah.

42:32 Adam Or you gotta be a big Howie Long size or something. But the medium dudes, it just doesn't work right.

42:40 Bill Bellamy What is the Hep thing? How do you get that? I never understood what Hepatitis B, C or D. I don't know.

42:47 Drew Hepatitis just means inflammation. There is. There is. It's a delta.

42:51 Adam I would have got that.

42:52 Drew It's just inflammation of the liver. That's Hepatitis.

42:55 Bill Bellamy It's basically what it is.

42:57 Drew That is what it is.

42:58 Bill Bellamy So why is it different levels of it?

42:59 Drew There's different viruses that cause it.

43:01 Bill Bellamy Of the liver.

43:02 Drew Of different inflammation.

43:03 Adam What's the worst one to have?

43:05 Drew Chronic C is one of the more serious ones right now.

43:07 Bill Bellamy What is the one that Pamela Anderson has?

43:10 Drew That's the one that causes cirrhosis and liver cancer.

43:12 Bill Bellamy So can you still have sex with somebody with Hepatitis C?

43:14 Drew You can. There's debate about whether it's sexually transmitted. I am convinced it is.

43:18 Bill Bellamy You're convinced it is. You wouldn't go without a condom without Hepatitis C. I don't know if I could have a Frisbee contest with somebody with Hepatitis C.

43:28 Drew That you can. I think I can do that? Yeah.

43:30 Adam I could get a BJ from Pam, couldn't I?

43:33 Drew Yeah, I'll let you have that. Anyway, Joe, the laser removal.

43:37 Adam She's going to be delighted.

43:38 Drew This is great news for us. Laser removal is expensive.

43:41 Adam Sweetie, great news.

43:42 Drew Multiple applications usually.

43:43 Adam Yeah, no.

43:44 Drew Different lasers.

43:44 Adam He wrote it down. I got it down.

43:45 Drew There are different colors, but most tattoos can be removed now with laser.

43:49 Bill Bellamy What is it?

43:50 Caller It's just terribly expensive.

43:52 Adam The laser?

43:53 Bill Bellamy Why would you want it to be removed? Because you think something's going to happen. You won't like it and you want to know if you've got an exit.

43:59 Caller Right. I mean, right now, I want to get one, like maybe a dragon or something. But, you know, my grandfather, three, I don't know if I really want to say, hey, kids, look at my tattoo, you know?

44:08 Adam Yeah. What's your nationality?

44:13 Caller White.

44:14 Adam White. All right. Don't go for any of that crappy Indian or Asian crap, though, as a white guy. There's nothing worse than that.

44:20 Caller I don't go for that.

44:22 Bill Bellamy Why don't you, you know, what you could do, though, just to test it out and see if you like it, won't you do like a henna one?

44:27 Caller Yeah.

44:29 Bill Bellamy Just so, just so, yeah, and it stays on for like three or four weeks, and then you see if you like it. Like, for me, I like tattoos also, but my taste changes all the time. So, like, I would have to get something that I could really lock into, and it's like, I don't know if I would like something forever.

44:42 Adam Yeah, like a test drive at Joe. Joe, get the henna tattoo.

44:47 Bill Bellamy Yeah, and they're pretty cool, too. You can get some really good ones. No, they're not too bad. I had one before.

44:53 Adam What was it? What was it?

44:55 Bill Bellamy I got it down. I had like a dragon. I had a dragon on one arm, and I did a shark or something. This guy did a shark. Like, once you get the tat, no one will ever question you.

45:07 Adam So, you could get a tattoo of a tattoo of a tattoo of a tattoo of a tattoo of a tattoo of a tattoo of a tattoo of a tattoo of a tattoo of a tattoo of a tattoo of a tattoo of a tattoo.

47:23 Bill Bellamy Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191.

47:26 Adam Oh, yeah, and we got more on the way. Bill is gonna be at the Brea Improv Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. That is this week, two shows on Friday and Saturday. You can go to www.billbellamy.com.

47:40 Bill Bellamy Check it out.

47:40 Adam If you wanna find out any information about where he's gonna be or what he's up to. Now, let's see, Crank Yankers, the Comedy Central show that we created is on tonight, by the way. It was on an hour ago. I had to do a great job of plugging it, I guess.

47:55 Bill Bellamy You don't have to, man. I'm sure people watch it. It's hysterical.

48:00 Adam I'm glad that Bill likes it. And Dr. Drew did a very special Crank Yankers episode with me.

48:07 Drew And I will dismiss myself during this hard period.

48:09 Adam He's very, he gets very embarrassed.

48:11 Bill Bellamy He gets nervous.

48:12 Adam He gets very nervous.

48:14 Drew I'm gonna give you a few minutes to hit fund your buddy.

48:17 Adam And. Yeah, but what now, what, what, why Drew is leaving is Bill has brought a little muscle with him.

48:24 Bill Bellamy Yeah, just in case we get offended, we're gonna have to.

48:27 Caller Very large.

48:28 Bill Bellamy Twist Dr. Drew up.

48:29 Caller Very large, man.

48:31 Bill Bellamy Into small pieces.

48:33 Drew There's a wives tale out there that black males have larger penises.

48:37 Caller All right.

48:38 Adam Please, Dr. Drew is now left now. This is a Crank Anchors call where we called somebody. What we did is we collected phone numbers on the air or off the air and then called them back saying we were making a best of tape. So let's.

48:54 Caller It better be good.

48:55 Adam Let's hear it. Hello?

48:56 Caller Is Bo in?

49:05 Caller All right.

49:06 Adam Bo, this is Adam Carolla.

49:08 Caller Hi.

49:09 Adam You know the show Loveline, right?

49:11 Caller Hell, yeah.

49:11 Adam Yeah, good. Are you in a room that's quiet where we can talk a little bit?

49:17 Why don't you wear a jack off?

49:19 Adam Yeah, go. Yeah, go wear a jack off. You there?

49:24 Drew We're in the barn. That's good.

49:26 Adam So Bo, what we're doing here is we're putting together a tape for MTV because we're trying to get the show back on the air. And we're going to have Drew kind of hip it up a little, be a little more urban, okay?

49:39 Drew Dr. Drew in the hissy.

49:41 Caller All right.

49:42 Adam So let's just take it like a regular Loveline call and we'll just start at the beginning. Bo, 18, you're on Loveline. What's your problem?

49:50 Caller Well, the problem is I have no sex life.

49:53 Drew But why don't you got no play, playa?

49:55 Caller I don't know.

49:56 Drew So you ain't hitting the skins. Motherfucker.

50:00 Caller Mm-hmm.

50:01 Drew You undoubtedly are looking to get the throbbing guzzle. You see I'm saying?

50:05 Caller Yeah, I feel ya.

50:06 Drew In the meantime, you're sitting in the hissy by yourself, thinking about a little Palooza action. In the meantime, your dong ain't doing shit. And hey, we heard when the call picked up, you got all those shorties running around there. You gotta get out there and get your bitch spunk drunk. You feeling me? You church, you feeling me? If you had a hissy, you would be out of the house. I'm telling you, nigga, that it would put you into the mode where you would have no problem to get that freaky shit going. 24-7 flowing semen here in your house in your hissy. For Chizzy.

50:37 Go with the flow, don't talk like that, just talk the way you want to.

50:40 Drew So I don't have to use all that freak who tore up the ass, Ariella Palooza, Muffio Tang, Throbbing Guzzle, Crap in the Ass, shit, right? Look, motherfucker, I'm telling you, don't be a player hater, because when you tap her in the ass, you ain't going to be interested in pistol robbing no more, and the digit is Dizzle, and in the hissy for Chizzy is going to be great on the QT for real.

51:03 Caller All right. All right.

51:05 Adam Peace out. Now that's Dr. Drew.

51:10 Bill Bellamy Now that is, for Dr. Drew, I gotta give it up. Because he threw a lot of things that didn't go together. But the effort was incredible. You can't be mad at Dr. Drew for that.

51:22 Caller No, you could.

51:24 Adam You could, but I can't be mad.

51:25 Bill Bellamy No, because it was a lot of like things that he just grabbed out the air and he tried to slam them together.

51:30 Caller It wasn't on the air. It wasn't off the air. I had it written on the marks a lot board.

51:36 Bill Bellamy He probably can't even say what. He didn't know what to say.

51:40 Drew The stuff that cut out was me going, I'm not going to say that.

51:43 Bill Bellamy I never really thought of Dr. Drew as a hip dude.

51:48 Adam Oh, yeah.

51:49 Bill Bellamy But I think that was very, very hip for him to go outside of his comfortable box.

51:54 Adam He's practically Dr. J.

51:58 Drew I still think we ought to do another one of those.

52:00 Adam Well, we'll work it out.

52:01 Bill Bellamy We'll work it out.

52:02 Adam I think you are right, Drew. You're good. We've got to get Bill Bellamy to make some calls this season, too.

52:07 Bill Bellamy Yeah, I'm going to get down with you guys. I've got a couple of characters that are hot.

52:11 Adam Yeah, tell us. Well, we'll talk off the air. But don't worry.

52:16 Bill Bellamy We'll figure it out.

52:17 Adam Michelle? You're 19?

52:19 Bill Bellamy What's up?

52:20 Caller Yes, I am.

52:21 Adam Yeah, and the good news is you get a puppet made after you.

52:24 Bill Bellamy Oh, that's hot.

52:25 Adam What's happening, Michelle? Oh, good.

52:30 Caller I am actually a lesbian, but I have been sleeping with a guy lately. He brought a girl over to my house last night and decided to bang her in the bedroom.

52:42 Drew Sounds like a great guy.

52:45 Caller Yeah, and so I was wondering if I should drop him or not.

52:48 Drew Yeah, yeah.

52:49 Adam Well, he doesn't think you're his girlfriend though, does he?

52:53 Caller No, he kind of thinks of it as kind of like a side relationship.

52:57 Adam Yeah, so that's why he did that.

52:58 Drew He was probably... He was thinking of you as a side relationship or this other girl as a side relationship?

53:02 Caller I was the side relationship. He started getting in with this girl, but she already has a boyfriend.

53:08 Drew So why have you led him to believe that this is just a friends with benefit kind of thing if indeed you have feelings for him?

53:15 Caller At the beginning, it was a friends with benefit kind of thing, but after a while, I started to develop feelings for him.

53:20 Drew Well, you should have told him. You got to tell him that.

53:24 Caller I did tell him that, but he just was like, well, at the first, you know, we decided this was going to be one of those things where we weren't going to get involved.

53:31 Adam I like what guys do that. Okay, listen.

53:33 Bill Bellamy He's winning.

53:33 Drew Well, he's like, well, in the contract here, it says you won't have feelings.

53:38 Bill Bellamy Yeah.

53:39 Caller Exactly.

53:40 Adam He's just having a good time. He's probably hoping you join in.

53:45 Bill Bellamy Yeah.

53:46 Caller Well, he started comparing me to her. He was saying, well, she's been with guys before.

53:50 Caller Maybe she gets better blow jobs.

53:53 Caller All right.

53:53 Bill Bellamy So do you think a lesbian could give better head than a straight girl?

53:58 Caller Um, do you think there's any?

54:00 Adam Well, I think the chewing tobacco is a hindrance sometimes. If they take that out, then I think they can perform.

54:06 Caller Yeah.

54:07 Adam No, I know you guys like the dip. Hey, Michelle, what's up with you? Why is your antenna so bent? You say you're a lesbian, you're falling in love with this guy. What's up?

54:18 Caller Well, I couldn't get any girls and so I kind of went for a guy because he was kind of into me.

54:24 Adam What's wrong? What's up with your self-esteem? Why can't you get any girls?

54:28 Caller I've been trying. I mean, all the girls that I like over at my school and stuff don't pay me any attention.

54:34 Adam You got to find dykes, though. I mean, you're going after straight chicks, right?

54:38 Caller No, I've been going to clubs and stuff. I just can't find anyone in my area, I guess, that likes me.

54:45 Bill Bellamy I never heard of girls like striking out. That's pretty hard, huh?

54:49 Adam It's kind of nice, actually.

54:50 Bill Bellamy Girls strike out and then they come back to us at the end, like, oh, can't do a girl fight with a dude.

54:56 Adam All right, you big gal, Michelle?

55:03 Bill Bellamy Oh, ain't nobody picking you up.

55:05 Adam What are you, what are you, 8 feet tall?

55:06 Bill Bellamy 210? Oh, you were on a 210. Are you driving on a 210 or you weigh 210 pounds?

55:15 Caller I weigh 210 pounds.

55:16 Bill Bellamy Oh, yeah, you better stay with that dude. Because I'm telling you, most lesbians, most lesbians, they want, they all into the beauty.

55:23 Adam Oh, really?

55:24 Bill Bellamy And it's usually one girl who's like, sort of like the dude, right?

55:27 Adam Yeah, that could be Michelle.

55:29 Bill Bellamy Yeah, she definitely a dude. She wear 210. Anyway. I am not. I know you're a chick, but you heavy as hell, but anyway, what I'm saying is, is that there's one girl who's sort of like the masculine of the two. And most lesbians that I've ever run across, they are really into girls that are like kind of sexy and kind of thing. Now, you could be a sexy big girl too. Don't trip. But I'm just saying if you 210, you may need to go to a big girl bar.

55:56 Adam And by the way, that's a radio 210. That's like being on the moon. You know what I mean? That's over the radio.

56:02 Bill Bellamy I mean, what's the difference between a 210 pound or a 300 pound dude and a 210 pound woman? You're really in a special category.

56:12 Adam That's right.

56:14 Bill Bellamy That's a lot of love, girl.

56:15 Adam Hey, Michelle. Michelle, you got to drop a couple pounds. It'll be easier to get laid.

56:20 Bill Bellamy If you get...

56:21 Caller I have been working on that.

56:22 Caller I've been going to the gym and stuff.

56:23 Bill Bellamy Get fine.

56:25 Adam That'll do it.

56:25 Bill Bellamy I don't have any medical training, but I can promise you get in shape, feel good about yourself and watch how many women start coming your way. It will change like that.

56:38 Adam And what's up with that in that you're a lesbian, you don't like dudes, but you get in a relationship and one of you plays the dude. You know what I mean?

56:45 Bill Bellamy Yeah, that's kind of crazy.

56:46 Adam Isn't that confusing? One of you is going to wear overalls, have a buzz cut and have the strap on and the other one's going to be looking like Judy Garland. What is that? You know what I mean?

56:58 Bill Bellamy I don't understand it, Doc.

56:59 Adam There's a chick. Why don't you get a chick? Why do you get a dude with a vagina? And some of these chicks are so butch, they're more dude-like than guys because they're working at it.

57:10 Bill Bellamy They're truckers. They're doing it hard. I never understand that at all. Like, girls say they want to be with a woman, but then their girlfriend just looks just like me.

57:22 Adam Not, no.

57:24 Bill Bellamy But you know what I'm saying?

57:25 Adam I mean, don't take that a bad way. Tough.

57:27 Bill Bellamy Tough. Like, just, I'll kill somebody over Felicia.

57:30 Adam We're talking butch.

57:32 Bill Bellamy Like, you would be a good looking lady if you shaved that goatee, you know. Don't look at me like that.

57:38 Adam I mean, you're an attractive man. Bill would be a nice, be a nice little starter kit for you, you know what I mean? Get you in.

57:55 Bill Bellamy Work him out.

57:56 Adam Not too hard on you.

57:56 Bill Bellamy No, I don't do that kind of stuff.

57:58 Adam No, it's a favor. It's a favor.

58:00 Bill Bellamy It's a favor.

58:00 Adam Yeah.

58:00 Bill Bellamy Hey listen, the girl, Michelle is definitely going to need to really feel good about herself too. Because if you know, it seems like she's got a lot of little problems there, Adam.

58:10 Adam Yeah, there's issues.

58:11 Bill Bellamy I mean, come on. She one day, Monday I'm a lesbian, next day I'm taking some ding-a-ding, ling-a-ling.

58:16 Adam No, and let me.

58:16 Drew A lot of women do that though. They're a little more fluid than men. The men go one way or the other. But women will go back and forth like that.

58:22 Adam But also, this is, this is, this is fat chick abuse. Where this is what a dude does where it's like, yeah, I'm going to bang my other girlfriend while you're sitting in the other room watching TV, you can hear me banging her.

58:32 Drew No.

58:32 Bill Bellamy You're eating a hoagie.

58:34 Adam Yeah.

58:35 Bill Bellamy You're sitting there eating a hoagie and I'm going to bang this cutie over here because we're friends. You said I could hit it once in a while. Right. Got to be more clear like Dr. Drew said.

58:44 Adam That's right. I'm just saying guys I think are abusive too. You know how they act with, here's how they treat fat chicks. They treat fat chicks like you treat a rental car. Who cares?

58:54 Bill Bellamy It ain't my car.

58:56 Adam I'm not going to drive it off a cliff, but I'll throw it in reverse while I'm still rolling forward. Who cares?

59:01 Drew I think sometimes.

59:02 Adam And I'll eat if I spill a little something.

59:05 Bill Bellamy In a bus soda.

59:06 Adam I'm not going to torch the car, but if I got to, if I catch a little bumper when I'm backing out of that spot, so be it.

59:13 Bill Bellamy So what is a rental?

59:14 Adam So be it.

59:14 Drew There's another part, sort of abuse the guys that we've never really talked about is that there's a certain subset of guys that will abuse a woman for having had sex with him. Yeah. Really? They're like so disappointed that they'll start, they'll become sort of abusive.

59:28 Adam They have to soil them somehow.

59:30 Drew Right.

59:31 Bill Bellamy Just run them into a wall.

59:32 Adam Yeah.

59:34 Bill Bellamy Like a rental car.

59:35 Adam Yeah, I like that, the rental car.

59:37 Bill Bellamy That's a nice reference. I can really relate to that, Adam.

59:39 Adam Thank you. Yeah, what's the number one rental car? You got the eating, for me it's putting it into different gears while I'm still moving and not actually stopping. I like that. That's my move. All right. Let's talk. You know what I mean? When you're backing out of your driveway in a rental car, you'll throw it into drive while you're still rolling backwards. Oh, yeah.

59:58 Bill Bellamy Of course.

59:59 Adam You would never do that in your car. You would never do that with a skinny hot car.

1:00:02 Bill Bellamy No.

1:00:03 Adam But that big fat rental car.

1:00:04 Bill Bellamy Oh, kill it.

1:00:05 Adam So be it.

1:00:06 Bill Bellamy That's right. Fart in it all day.

1:00:07 Adam Fart all day. Fridge fries all over the floor.

1:00:09 Bill Bellamy Turn the heater on.

1:00:10 Adam Roll the windows up. Fart away. Leave the keys in the ignition when you head into the store, too. Who cares? That's right. Slide across the hood like Starsky and Hutch. Yeah. All right. Big fat hood. All right. Where are we, Drew?

1:00:22 Drew Melissa.

1:00:23 Adam Melissa? You're 19? What's up?

1:00:26 Caller I'm 19. Mm-hmm. I was calling with a question about my boyfriend. We've been together for a year and about a month, and in this entire time, I've met his friend once. And he would go and see him a couple times a weekend, which is cool, but I was never, ever allowed to go.

1:00:52 Bill Bellamy To meet any of his friends?

1:00:55 Adam You think he's ashamed of you? Well, what do you think the problem is?

1:01:03 Caller I don't know.

1:01:03 Adam Well, maybe, okay, it's a couple things.

1:01:07 Drew How old is he?

1:01:08 Caller 19.

1:01:09 Drew And how long have you been dating?

1:01:10 Caller A little over a year.

1:01:12 Adam A couple things. Guys, okay, 19-year-old guys are very dangerous to be around your girlfriend because they either screw them or tell them something that you don't want them to know.

1:01:21 Drew Or just abuse you in some fashion.

1:01:23 Adam It's lose-lose.

1:01:23 Drew It's lose-lose.

1:01:25 Adam It's lose-lose. He could have had a girlfriend that did hit on one of his buddies or vice versa. Or he could just have some loud-mouth buddies like I got. Tell them about the time you crapped in the shower when you were drunk.

1:01:38 Bill Bellamy He could be ashamed of his friends, not just her.

1:01:41 Drew Or they could carry on as a group and do things that might not have occurred so well.

1:01:45 Adam Nothing in it for the guy.

1:01:47 Bill Bellamy Or it could be that sometimes when you're a guy, you don't bring your girl around your friends makes the relationship seem more serious and maybe he doesn't want to. Yeah, but you know, hey.

1:02:00 Adam What is that?

1:02:01 Bill Bellamy I have friends that don't take girls out only at night. They're vampires. Like you know, if it's a girl that you're not really comfortable with, that's just not up to par.

1:02:11 Drew Would you date that girl for a year though?

1:02:13 Bill Bellamy Yeah, because the booty is good. You do stuff like that. You work with it.

1:02:18 Drew There is that.

1:02:19 Adam Drew, you know about the Muffio Tang, right? Melissa? All right. So are you feeling like maybe he's not, I don't know, he's not proud of you or something? He's embarrassed by you?

1:02:32 Caller Well, I don't think it's that. I know I'm saying a lot of times, like I'll stay at his house and I'm pretty close to a lot of his family and I don't think it's an issue of him not being like proud of me or like I'm embarrassed.

1:02:47 Adam So what do you, what do you care?

1:02:49 Caller Do you care?

1:02:50 Caller I do care because back when we first got together, we decided if he was going to go to parties or hang out with his friends and there were like other girls around, I could go too. And if it was just a guy's night out, then the guys would go out and I wouldn't say anything. But, you know, they'd have to be careful.

1:03:08 Drew He's tilled the soil on this one.

1:03:10 Adam Do you do? Yeah. But do you think that in general, there's something up with this guy? Is he evasive when you ask him questions? Does he seem like kind of guy would cheat?

1:03:24 Drew Nineteen. They know cheaters at nineteen.

1:03:28 Adam What's he do? What does he do? In college. All right. Look, you can ask him to go hang out with his friends or be included, but most guys, I don't know.

1:03:42 Bill Bellamy Who wants to be that serious at nineteen, though? Like that powerful, serious? I mean, dating is one thing. I mean, come on.

1:03:49 Adam There's two dudes, though, at nineteen. There's the smart dude like this dude, which is, I don't want this woman anywhere near my friends. And then there's always that asshole buddy of yours who's like, Brings the girl every time. Tammy's coming. And you're going, oh, we're going to the donkey show. And they're like, she's cool.

1:04:03 Bill Bellamy She likes donkeys.

1:04:04 Adam I'm like, I can't beat off with it. She's coming with us. She's cool. And this is that one who wants to bring his chick camping and stuff like like five dudes and her whatever you do. He's got it. What is that instinct, by the way, where you just get it's like, well, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna kill you. We're gonna rape her. That's what we're doing. We'll bury you both up in the goddamn mountains. Can Tammy come? Tammy's cool. Well, they're always explaining how cool she is, but it's not about being cool. It's about having a representative from the other sex when you're out doing the man stuff. Yeah. Right.

1:04:36 Drew These guys are so insecure and so empty that they can't be without her. She's got to be there all the time.

1:04:41 Adam Wow. And that's just weird. It never works. And at 19, if you've got a bunch of friends, chances are three of them are better looking than you are. And the chick always gets hot for the one guy and the guy always gets hot for your chick because she's the only chick and that's all that. Ain't nothing in it. I don't know. To me, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. If he does his thing and you don't think he's cheating and you don't go around with them but you're having a good time with them, leave it alone. Let it be.

1:05:06 Bill Bellamy You're doing great.

1:05:07 Adam And listen, you women got to learn to leave stuff alone a lot of the time because what you got now is a seven and you'd like it to be a nine but it could drop down to a three. That's the thing. That's what... See, people got to do that. I've been thinking a lot about this, Drew. We were talking, when we were doing The Man Show, we had this director that he was a good solid seven and a half. Right. And I was telling one of my partners, he said, we got to get rid of this guy, we got to get a nine. I said, we could get rid of this guy and get a four. Were we going to get a nine? We might get lower than seven and a half. Pretty good. Ended up getting rid of the guy, went through five guys, they all sucked, never found the right guy, ended up hiring the guy back after about three months. The point is, seven and a half ain't bad.

1:05:54 Bill Bellamy It was peaking.

1:05:55 Drew Aint bad. Knowing your value in the market.

1:05:57 Adam Yeah.

1:05:57 Bill Bellamy Knowing your value, man. That's a good one, Adam. You pulled on and got your ass on that one. That's a good one.

1:06:01 Adam Yeah. Thank you.

1:06:03 Bill Bellamy That's right. We're out your ass.

1:06:05 Adam Speaking of pulling stuff out of my ass, let's go to the bathroom, Drew.

1:06:08 Drew We're breaking early for the pee.

1:06:09 Adam Break early. We're taking a little pee break tonight.

1:06:11 Drew It's a lost time.

1:06:12 Adam Bill Bellamy, in the hissy.

1:06:14 Bill Bellamy In the hissy for she'sy.

1:06:15 Adam Going to be down at the Brea Improv, that's this Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Two shows, two big shows, two big shows, two big shows, Friday and Saturday. Be there. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:06:54 Bill Bellamy L-O-V-E-Line.

1:06:56 Adam Is right here. That is Bill Bellamy.

1:06:59 Bill Bellamy I would love to be a doctor, man.

1:07:00 Drew I wish you could have seen what I just did, making your damn yellow lemon tea.

1:07:04 Bill Bellamy Just a short doctor tea.

1:07:05 Adam Thank you.

1:07:06 Drew The plastic piece of the spark that's hot water thing just broke off and sprayed all over the room and me and everything. Oh, yeah.

1:07:13 Adam Are you okay, my dear? Do you want me to rub some butter on that?

1:07:16 Drew You sure?

1:07:17 Bill Bellamy Suck it up, Drew.

1:07:18 Drew Some what?

1:07:18 Adam Some butter. Suck it up, Drew.

1:07:20 Bill Bellamy He's all burned. He's red.

1:07:22 Adam Yeah.

1:07:23 Bill Bellamy His hands are tender.

1:07:24 Drew But imagine me, I can't even screw in a light bulb. I'm trying to fix this thing on hot water spraying everywhere.

1:07:30 Adam Yeah, you aren't good with your hands. You shouldn't be working on people.

1:07:33 Drew I don't do certain procedures. I don't.

1:07:35 Adam You stay away, but you put a finger up somebody, right?

1:07:38 Drew Yeah, it doesn't take skill.

1:07:39 Adam Well, I think it does. I think it takes a soft hand.

1:07:43 Drew I got a feel. I got good.

1:07:46 Adam You know what's up there? Yeah, like what would you like if you felt like a golf ball? You know the difference between a golf ball and a light bulb. Like if you put your finger up there.

1:07:54 Drew I'm a great friend.

1:07:55 Adam Okay, because Bill's going to test you.

1:07:57 Bill Bellamy Hey, Dr. Drew, did you have to get that, what is that, exam when you get to a certain age?

1:08:03 Drew A prostate, yeah.

1:08:04 Bill Bellamy Yeah.

1:08:04 Drew In the colonoscopy.

1:08:05 Bill Bellamy But I mean, do you get it once a week or do you just get it that one year?

1:08:10 Adam You get it once a year.

1:08:11 Drew Is he proposing something to me?

1:08:12 Bill Bellamy No, I was just wondering because your boy said you like.

1:08:16 Adam Yeah, he said that.

1:08:17 Bill Bellamy Things in your butt. Like golf ball in the butt.

1:08:20 Caller We're just bonding during the break.

1:08:24 Bill Bellamy Dr. Drew was like, not like a golf ball in your butt.

1:08:28 Adam How about that? How often do you get the finger in your butt after 40?

1:08:32 Drew After 50, it's really important every year.

1:08:35 Adam Once a year? How about you do a thing where instead of the finger every year, they do the fist every 10 years? I just take it once every 10 years, but a good fist, it's going to be BOOM! It's going to be bad!

1:08:47 Bill Bellamy Oh yeah, you're going to holler.

1:08:48 Adam You're not going to feel it for another 10 years.

1:08:50 Bill Bellamy But you got 10 years before you see my fist again.

1:08:52 Drew I had a good time. I talked to a surgeon friend of mine tonight and said, nah, that hernia, we're going to have to open it up this time.

1:08:56 Adam Oh yeah, Drew got a hernia surgery about three, four months ago. How did you get it?

1:09:03 Bill Bellamy From lifting.

1:09:04 Caller So it's going back in.

1:09:05 Bill Bellamy Straining and crying over all them kids.

1:09:07 Adam Bad genes. It's going back in.

1:09:08 Bill Bellamy It's got a tendon stomach.

1:09:09 Adam Bill, how old are you?

1:09:11 Bill Bellamy 38.

1:09:12 Adam 38, you're going to get the finger in a couple years. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

1:09:16 Drew Well tonight if you want.

1:09:17 Adam You get it tonight. You get it tonight.

1:09:20 Bill Bellamy But Dr. Drew stick his finger in everybody, but I don't want my butt stuck up.

1:09:23 Adam Yeah.

1:09:24 Bill Bellamy About 10 years.

1:09:25 Adam They're all special.

1:09:26 Bill Bellamy He said at 50.

1:09:27 Adam No, no, we got to get the first one at 40, don't you?

1:09:30 Drew Yeah, that's a good idea at 40.

1:09:31 Adam Really? Because I got one at like 38.

1:09:34 Drew Yeah.

1:09:35 Adam You know what was funny? The guy was putting his finger up my ass.

1:09:38 Drew I beg your pardon.

1:09:40 Adam It wasn't you, it was some other doctor. I think he was a doctor. And he said he was smoking.

1:09:46 Bill Bellamy He had a jacket on.

1:09:47 Adam He was smoking, he was wearing a leather members only jacket. All right, so he's putting his finger up my ass. And Rice, he's putting it up, he goes, you know the routine, I'm sure you've had this before. And I was like, no, no, no, I haven't. You're busted.

1:10:02 Bill Bellamy What if you fart on him? Busted my chair. Is that bad, is that bad like?

1:10:05 Adam No, it's considered a sign of respect.

1:10:10 Drew In this country, in other countries.

1:10:12 Adam In many cultures. All right, so Bill, you gotta get the finger in about two years.

1:10:15 Bill Bellamy Yeah, I guess so.

1:10:16 Adam Okay, that's all right.

1:10:17 Bill Bellamy The fist in 10.

1:10:19 Adam Fist, but then you don't need it again until you're 60.

1:10:22 Bill Bellamy He's stupid, man, he's crazy as hell. How do you work with this guy?

1:10:26 Adam He gets, why, we split the money, are you kidding? And I don't look at it as us getting paid the same, I look at you as taking half of my money. You understand? There's a difference. Jake?

1:10:37 Caller Yes.

1:10:38 Adam You're 24?

1:10:39 Bill Bellamy What's up, Jake?

1:10:41 Drew What up?

1:10:42 Caller I tried shrooms about two months ago and I wanted to know like what are the side effects, you know, it was great, it was like 10 times better than weed but, I don't know.

1:10:52 Drew Yeah, there's not much good information about that. Because it is a hallucinogenic, we expect to see some brain injury from it. That seems to be a common feature of drugs that cause hallucinations as their primary effect. But to my, nobody does it enough. Nobody does it enough, I suspect, is why we don't see much measurable or sort of easily identifiable damage from it.

1:11:13 Adam Yeah.

1:11:14 Drew On the other hand, ecstasy, we see problems all the time. Acid all the time. Yeah.

1:11:20 Adam I have this theory about the brother man not taking shrooms, am I right, Bill?

1:11:23 Bill Bellamy Yeah.

1:11:24 Adam Staying into that.

1:11:25 Bill Bellamy We don't really do the shrooms big.

1:11:27 Adam I mean, Jimi Hendrix is like the last black guy to take shrooms.

1:11:30 Bill Bellamy I mean, a lot of people do shrooms though, because they think that it's totally natural, comes right out the ground situation.

1:11:36 Drew There are hallucinogenic mushrooms that will give you these amazing high in South America, and then you'll drop dead.

1:11:42 Bill Bellamy Are you serious?

1:11:43 Drew Very natural, very natural.

1:11:45 Bill Bellamy And you will drop dead.

1:11:47 Drew These plants have these chemicals on them, so you will not come back and eat them again. It's to protect the plant.

1:11:54 Caller Yeah.

1:11:54 Drew That's what nature put that there for.

1:11:56 Caller That's why it's natural. Yeah.

1:11:58 Bill Bellamy How do you figure out that a shroom will get you out? Man, that smokes everything that's around.

1:12:01 Drew It says something about humans, doesn't it? Or how about squeezing a frog's eyeballs and licking the juice that comes out? That's also hallucinogenic.

1:12:08 Adam Yeah.

1:12:08 Drew The Sonoran frog. People figured that out.

1:12:11 Adam Just eating lobsters and stuff, though. It's all a mess. I don't know how anything worked out. I really don't.

1:12:17 Bill Bellamy I always think about stuff like that. Like, who's the first man said, let's crack that lobster open?

1:12:22 Adam Yeah, the shrimp. Well, it was first. I think it was I think first the guy started smoking weed and then the eating really began.

1:12:28 Drew I see.

1:12:29 Adam They started eating everything. But yeah, shrooms. Shrooms are yummy. I've tried shrooms a couple of times.

1:12:36 Drew I had a couple of times. Yeah, maybe you do it again recently.

1:12:39 Adam No, it's been a long time.

1:12:40 Drew I only know about the Lee Press on the old time.

1:12:42 Adam Yeah, I got high on mushrooms when I was 19 and I was watching a commercial for those Lee Press on nails. And when you're high on mushrooms, you're like a newborn. But you like your eyes are open like saucers. What's going on with society, man? Why do men kill each other? What is going on? Why can't we do love? And I saw a commercial for those Lee Press on nails, you know, and I was like, the female of the species sticks long red plastic things to the ends of her fingers so she can be more attractive to the male species.

1:13:22 Bill Bellamy What is up?

1:13:23 Adam What is going on? How does this work? Why are they sticking plastic to the end of their fingers, man?

1:13:29 Bill Bellamy Press on nails.

1:13:30 Adam Press on nails. If you get high on mushrooms, it'll seem like a really weird idea. Like, here's the deal. You stick that plastic to the end of your fingers? I'll come f you. I got to see blood red pieces of plastic like claws sticking in it.

1:13:45 Bill Bellamy Break them off in my back.

1:13:47 Adam Then I saw a monster truck commercial. Big trucks were mashing small trucks and the crowd was cheering. I was like, we're insane.

1:13:55 Caller We're all nuts.

1:13:57 Adam We're going nuts because a truck is beating up another truck. Then my buddy Ray came in. He was all high on coke and he freaked me out. And that was it. There was bad times after that.

1:14:09 Drew What did he say? You're high on mushrooms, dude. You're high.

1:14:11 Caller Yeah, that was it.

1:14:12 Adam And he picked my buddy up, the wheeze, and he started throwing him around. And I was scared he was going to hurt him. And I got really sad.

1:14:20 Drew You already sad for the little trucks, too.

1:14:23 Adam I felt bad for the little trucks. I felt bad for the nails that were being pressed on.

1:14:26 Bill Bellamy All the girls with the little short nails like they work on cars.

1:14:29 Adam Let me tell you, there's a lot of stuff that goes on in society that you don't think twice about because your head would explode. You know, just as simple as a woman putting on lipstick, painting her face up, essentially, with makeup before she leaves the house. All the weird rituals, all the things we do, all the stuff we do to each other, all these rituals of life. And you can't stop and think about it because you'd never leave the house or your mind would be so steeped in that thought, you'd never get anything done. But when you get high on mushrooms, it's like shaking your head like an Etch A Sketch and there's nothing there anymore. And you just sit there with your eyes popping wide open and you're watching, you know, Survivor, you're watching Fear Factor, you're watching Temptation Island, you're seeing a Lee Prescott.

1:15:16 Bill Bellamy Like you would sit there and you'd just be thinking like how my cell phone works.

1:15:20 Adam What's going on? Yeah. What's going on? I say something into this little thing the size of a secret box.

1:15:25 Bill Bellamy And my boys all the way in Kentucky.

1:15:27 Adam Boys in Kentucky?

1:15:28 Bill Bellamy Is this what I'm saying?

1:15:31 Caller Oh my God!

1:15:34 Bill Bellamy I'm taking a picture with my phone!

1:15:37 Adam Hold on. Now you see a commercial for OnStar. It's like, yeah, I'm locked out of my car. That's all right. We'll tell the satellite to hit the button and your car buttons will come up. You mean something that's 500,000 miles above us traveling at 76,000 miles an hour is going to open my car for me? No coat hanger? No nothing? You'll freak out. Your head will explode.

1:16:05 Bill Bellamy You got to sit down.

1:16:06 Adam That's why I can't do it anymore. Because I'd be freaking out. Yeah. I'd freak out that I had a radio show. You got a radio show? Wait a minute. You talking to this thing the size of a kielbasa and it goes all over the country? How does that work? I would go insane, Drew. I couldn't do it anymore.

1:16:23 Drew Instead of repeating the weather.

1:16:24 Adam I'd go insane. I would go insane.

1:16:25 Bill Bellamy At least he knows to stop.

1:16:27 Adam See, you can do it when you're 18 or 19 because then you just sit there and stare at your hand and you say, Oh man. I got a hand. I got to get a you-hoo in me, man. But when you get older and you start having bills and stuff and you have radio, building, you go nuts. Bill, don't do it. I won't, man. You'll go nuts.

1:16:45 Caller Five. Yeah.

1:16:47 Adam What's that? Where are we going? Five? I just got weird just thinking of you guys. Get that contact.

1:16:53 Drew I saw you going a little nutty there.

1:16:54 Adam Yeah, Bill, you go a little nutty. You'd be sitting around going, I was on MTV.

1:16:59 Caller How'd that happen?

1:17:00 Adam Was that me? What was that?

1:17:02 Caller Everyday.

1:17:02 Adam That's just a dream, man. Kidding me.

1:17:04 Caller You gotta be kidding me.

1:17:06 Adam You just sit there, you watch, you watch on any given Sunday, your head would explode.

1:17:11 Bill Bellamy Oh my God, the hits.

1:17:13 Adam Your head would explode. Jamie?

1:17:16 Caller Yeah.

1:17:17 Adam What's up?

1:17:18 Caller Hi.

1:17:19 Caller My question is, there's a talk show called Sex Talk that I had watched and it's an older lady and she said that if you have excessive anal sex that it can tear a hole in your lining and that you can get pregnant.

1:17:33 Drew This is why it's bizarre having this woman talk about sex when she's not a clinician and has not a single thread of real knowledge about medicine.

1:17:41 Adam What is she talking about?

1:17:42 Drew She's saying that she's talking about a rectovaginal fistula, which is basically a surgical emergency.

1:17:48 Adam You get that fistula once every 10 years.

1:17:49 Drew If you actually, first of all, to cause rectovaginal fistula is almost impossible. What you could do is tear the lining, cause an abscess and a fistula could form, but believe me you would know that. I mean, believe me. First of all, you'd have stool coming out of your vagina and you'd have inflammation. You'd be a mess. And so the idea that a tunnel would open up where you could get pregnant, it's totally absurd. This is crazy having that woman.

1:18:17 Adam Well, who's she talking about?

1:18:19 Bill Bellamy There's a talk show with this old woman. He's upset with this girl.

1:18:23 Drew Called Sex Talk and she gives all this medical information. She has no answer.

1:18:27 Adam On the radio?

1:18:28 Drew No, television.

1:18:29 Bill Bellamy On TV and she's not qualified, basically.

1:18:31 Adam Jamie?

1:18:31 Drew Yes.

1:18:32 Adam Alright, well this is why you have to listen to Dr. Drew. Right.

1:18:38 Drew You can do yourself lots of damage with anal sex, but that's not one of the things you can do.

1:18:42 Caller So you can't get pregnant from it?

1:18:44 Drew No, I mean, unless the sort of whatever comes out drips down, it drips, it goes north. Yeah, and it's pretty unlikely.

1:18:51 Bill Bellamy So do you like anal sex more than regular sex, or is it, what's going on?

1:18:55 Caller No, I'm just experimenting, but I want to make sure.

1:18:59 Drew You can cause fissures and fistula and tears and cause hemorrhoids, lots of good problems.

1:19:04 Bill Bellamy Is there any proper procedure for anal sex? Because people see you saying all these things, so people must be just getting jacked up.

1:19:11 Drew No, they can just do that just by, yeah, people do get jacked up.

1:19:14 Bill Bellamy Yeah, I mean, it sounds like it's a rough night.

1:19:16 Adam Yeah, well, you got to, let me ask you this, Drew. Is a guy more equipped for some anal sex, you know? You got a guy that's 200 pounds, he's got a nice sturdy male rectum, you know, not some little, you got some little Asian chicks coming in at 98 pounds.

1:19:34 Drew A lot of the stuff we saw were in men, a lot of the problems, but then men are-

1:19:37 Adam But that's repeated trauma.

1:19:38 Caller That's repeated trauma.

1:19:40 Drew Adam has never gotten over it.

1:19:41 Adam Pounding.

1:19:41 Drew Adam has been sort of sulking, just depressed, everything, since he found out that probably most homosexuals actually don't have anal sex.

1:19:49 Adam Yeah, I found that out, I found that out. Really? Yeah.

1:19:53 Bill Bellamy What do they do then?

1:19:55 Adam Oh, that's what they do. A lot of BJs. Yeah, not that much anal.

1:19:59 Drew It's actually a minority do they have.

1:20:03 Bill Bellamy So, do a lot of women have anal sex these days, you think? Is it coming up?

1:20:07 Drew In my last three, four years, a lot of guys obsess a lot about that.

1:20:11 Adam Oh, it's on the rise, though.

1:20:12 Drew It seems that we come back again this year, you know. But look, every year it wasn't that big a deal.

1:20:18 Adam Everything is, the bar has been raised completely. Like, you know, most chicks, before they get out of high school, have experimented with another chick these days. And most chicks who are in a relationship more in a couple of years have, or even just a consistent relationship, are engaging in this. I mean, people are just threesomes.

1:20:37 Bill Bellamy Trying everything.

1:20:38 Adam Yeah, I mean, anal sex threesomes and lesbian experimentation, up what, tenfold over the last fifteen years?

1:20:47 Drew I think it came up, that stuff really hit the ground running about five years ago, and it's waxed and waned since, and I think last year, I think after 9-11, a lot of that went away. And now it's suddenly coming back again. Anyway, so we're going to talk to one that could have orgasm only with anal sex. Remember that a couple of nights ago, in fact.

1:21:19 Adam That's right.

1:21:20 Drew We were so bewildered by it.

1:21:21 Adam Felchelina, I remember her. Alright, let's take ourselves a break. This mushroom thing screwed me up.

1:21:27 Drew Yeah, you were kind of screwed up by it. He got emotional.

1:21:30 Caller He got emotional.

1:21:32 Adam I'll tell you, we'll question things.

1:21:34 Drew For you, for your brain, that's tough.

1:21:36 Adam I would freak myself out.

1:21:40 Drew You'd go to, people live in the same room with a smoke detector chirping.

1:21:44 Adam Yeah, we have these people. You know what I would do? I would stare at my flat screen TV and I would slowly walk around to the back of it and then look at the front of it again and then go, this thing's as thick as a credit card. What's going on? What's going on? And it's coming off a satellite! I would go insane, Drew. Alright, let's do some mushrooms during the break. I'm telling him we'll freak out. Bill Bellamy. He's crazy.

1:22:10 Drew Come back and recite the weather.

1:22:11 Adam Bill Bellamy here, everybody. Gonna be at the Bray Improv Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Two big shows Friday and Saturday. We'll take a break. We'll be right back.

1:22:21 Caller Dude, you got issues. 1-800-LOVE-191. Loveline on 94.7 NRK.

1:22:42 Drew See, I'm trying to get Bill to buy my book.

1:22:47 Bill Bellamy Where is your book?

1:22:47 Drew It's called Cracked. I want everybody to read it. It's a good book.

1:22:50 Bill Bellamy Where? At Barnes and Noble?

1:22:52 Drew Amazon, anywhere.

1:22:52 Bill Bellamy I will get down.

1:22:54 Adam Bill Bellamy is in the studio tonight, going to be at the Brea Improv Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Two big shows.

1:23:01 Bill Bellamy Two big ones.

1:23:02 Adam Friday and Saturday. All right, where was we? Cheap Trick in here tomorrow night, and it's back to The Phones We Go. We'll speak to Christy, who's 19. Christy?

1:23:13 Caller Yeah, hi.

1:23:14 Adam What's up?

1:23:15 Caller I was wondering if my girlfriend goes and has sex with a guy, and then comes back and has sex with me, is there a chance that I can get pregnant from that?

1:23:27 Adam Is there a chance that she can transport?

1:23:30 Drew You mean like moments later? Yeah.

1:23:32 Caller Well, not like moments later, but within like a few hours or something. I mean, I'm just looking at whether I need to get on birth control or not, if she starts doing it.

1:23:41 Adam A lot of retarded pregnancy hypotheticals coming out tonight. Yeah. So what if, but Drew, you say that the semen, that the sperm lasts inside the woman for like...

1:23:51 Drew In the tubes.

1:23:52 Adam In the tubes for like two, three days? Yeah.

1:23:54 Drew Three days.

1:23:55 Adam Three days. What if she had sex with a guy, the guy got off in her, then they got a vibrator or dildo, and they're working it around back and forth, and one of the crafty sperm, I think this is how my mom, I'm pretty sure this is how my mom, I'm pretty sure, she may just be talking, but I'm pretty sure this is what she said, that one of the crafty sperm, the Corolla sperm, sticks to the double header and goes in.

1:24:25 Drew Into the fomite. The fomite.

1:24:26 Adam Yeah, then the fomite, that's the object, right? Could that happen?

1:24:30 Drew Yeah, could happen.

1:24:30 Adam What if it's up in the tubes?

1:24:32 Drew No, tubes, it wouldn't be up here. It's inside the body.

1:24:34 Adam They don't make a dildo that gets up in the tubes?

1:24:37 Drew I know you love this stuff. Vagina, Adam, not inside the body.

1:24:40 Adam See, I don't understand this part. There's inside the body and then there's outside the body, but there's inside the body that's outside the body that I don't understand. Like the vagina's not inside the body.

1:24:51 Drew It communicates with the outside.

1:24:52 Adam You see what I'm saying?

1:24:54 Bill Bellamy Technically I know what he's saying, but it sounds crazy. So how about this, when the sperm goes up outside the body, but it's in the vagina, but it's outside the body, when the girl really actually gets pregnant, it's inside the body, in the tube.

1:25:11 Drew And that's where it lies for a couple of days.

1:25:13 Bill Bellamy And then it descends to the uterus.

1:25:14 Adam Well, what's Christy, what are you doing? You're letting your girlfriend just have sex with guys?

1:25:20 Caller Well, she's bisexual and she's kind of just coming out into all this and I'm just trying to help her and be supportive and everything like that and I don't mind.

1:25:30 Drew Hey, Christy, no, no, you've got something way more on your hands than you realize. It's not just because she's coming out. It's because she has a lot of confusion and a lot of chaos in her and she's-

1:25:41 Caller Well, I know that, which is why I'm trying to be like supportive and everything and I can't-

1:25:45 Drew You know how you're supportive of somebody that's got chaos? You help them contain it. You say, cut it out.

1:25:50 Adam Yeah, you got to set boundaries.

1:25:51 Drew You set boundaries. That's how you help somebody who's chaotic. You don't go, hey, go, enjoy whatever you like. That's great.

1:25:56 Adam Great.

1:25:57 Drew That's how you make it worse.

1:25:58 Adam What's the guy doing? What do you mean the guy's coming out?

1:26:01 Caller Well, it's just, it's kind of hypothetical. We're making our relationship like an open relationship, and she's looking at going and being with a guy since she already has me.

1:26:10 Adam Do you get to have sex with the guys too?

1:26:13 Caller No, I'm just, I'm just a lesbian.

1:26:15 Adam You're just a lesbian. Is she just a lowly lesbian?

1:26:18 Bill Bellamy Just a lesbian.

1:26:18 Adam I'd like to give you a raise.

1:26:20 Bill Bellamy Are you 210 pounds?

1:26:22 Caller I'm sorry, what?

1:26:23 Bill Bellamy How much do you weigh?

1:26:26 Caller 138, I think, last time I weighed.

1:26:29 Bill Bellamy Okay, that's cool, because we had a lesbian that was 210 and nobody wanted her either. But you're fine, you're 138, you're in a good category, you're alright.

1:26:37 Adam Considered a flyweight by the Butch Lesbian standard, by the way. She would have to fight a fly or junior flyweight. Yeah, that's it.

1:26:44 Caller I wanted to say something about the caller that called in before, because you're saying, you know, how you didn't understand how girls, they say they want to be with girls, but they go and they be with someone who looks like a guy.

1:26:55 Bill Bellamy Right.

1:26:56 Caller Well, see, that's where it's like guys are so visual and girls are like more emotional. And you get things from girls that you just can't get from a guy. So it's like the outside appearance isn't what counts. But whereas a guy looking at two lesbians are going to go, oh, well, one's a butch.

1:27:13 Adam You're making our argument, which is if appearances don't count, why is it so important that one of them look like a truck driver?

1:27:20 Caller Well, it's not important.

1:27:22 Adam No, it is, or it wouldn't happen. It wouldn't happen so often.

1:27:25 Caller It's not. Well, it's like a standard generalization that the guy is going to look more masculine in a hetero relationship. But it happens both ways. You could have like totally asexual looking guys and like a butched out girl. My girlfriend and I are both like, well, I've been called a lipstick lesbian and she's definitely a femme.

1:27:44 Adam Christy, were you clubbed with a vibrator? It seems like it just seems like you're thinking clearly. I just a picture of being like whacked overhead with a vibrator.

1:27:56 Bill Bellamy I thought that girls who are lesbian have very honest and kind of like under, you know, more mature relationships. But it seems as though you guys are having as much problems as heterosexual people. You guys are like experimenting, doing all these different things that make the normal dynamic relationship even harder.

1:28:17 Caller There's a lot of communication there, which is what makes it easier.

1:28:22 Adam Let me tell you what's going on. Christie's calling from San Francisco. She's all up in her head. We communicate, we have open channels, we have discussions. I'm letting her explore sexuality. You got a screwed up person who's acting out and you're just being a party to it and you're up in your head.

1:28:39 Drew You're enabling. You got to put an end to it. You can't have intimacy when there's that kind of chaos and that sort of distraction. You can't.

1:28:46 Adam This reminds me of those screwed up hippie parents who's like the eight year old is expressing himself, who are we to intervene. No, no. He's the kid. You're the dad.

1:28:58 Caller Step in.

1:28:59 Adam Straighten him out.

1:29:00 Drew For Christi's sake, she's the kind of sane person. Her girlfriend's the not sane person.

1:29:04 Caller Right.

1:29:05 Adam She's just rationalizing everything. Matt?

1:29:07 Caller Yeah.

1:29:08 Adam You're 17? What's up?

1:29:10 Caller All right. Well, first of all, my girlfriend was supposed to start her period around the 23rd of September, right? So we go and we're both, we're both virgins and we decide that we're going to have sex. So I go in the bathroom and go to put the condom on. And when I put the condom on, I was kind of, you know, in the heat of the moment, wasn't really thinking about my head. So when I put the condom on, I put it on upside down and I realized it was upside down. So I flipped it and I, you know, I rolled it on and I kind of had a little pre-cone. So I took a, I took the towel and I went.

1:29:44 Adam Check out one of her mom's face towels with the rose embroidered on it.

1:29:48 Caller He had it.

1:29:48 Bill Bellamy Put a little pre-cone on that.

1:29:50 Adam Still has the initials of her father passed away. Yes, go ahead.

1:29:55 Caller So I wiped off the tip, right?

1:29:56 Caller And then I.

1:29:58 Adam Sure.

1:29:59 Caller And when we started to have sex, I really didn't get it, my head, like, you know, all the way in because it hurt too bad and we stopped. And now she, when she was supposed to have her period around the 23rd, she still hasn't had her period. And so she's like a week late. And I'm wondering if, if that could be it or just because I heard that.

1:30:17 Drew How long ago did you have sex? What date?

1:30:20 Caller On the 23rd?

1:30:22 Drew You had the date, you had sex the day she was supposed to have her period.

1:30:24 Adam Well, she didn't have sex. He tried to get in, but he couldn't do it because she was too freaked out.

1:30:29 Bill Bellamy But he cleaned it off with the trusty bathroom towel.

1:30:32 Adam Maybe, maybe she wiped down with the towel, the same towel after that.

1:30:37 Drew If this child, if you have a child, we want, we want to be notified because this is the Messiah. This is it.

1:30:43 Adam This will be the Messiah.

1:30:44 Caller But I mean, I'm just saying, I've heard that like people that have sex for the first time, it throws off their period.

1:30:49 Drew Yes it can. And being anxious about your period coming can make your period not come.

1:30:53 Adam Yeah, that happened to me once. Okay, Matt, you're fine. Alright. I appreciate it. Were you at her folks house?

1:30:59 Caller No, actually my parents were in Florida and we were in my bed.

1:31:02 Adam In your house. Yeah. I always wonder, Drew, I always think about this. What side, like, you guys ever do is you go to a bathroom. You know where it is? Like, if you go in a dressing room and you go into the bathroom and they got the towels hanging in there and you wash your face, you wash your hands, you start reaching for the towel and you think, no, no, no, I'm not going to get the outside part. I'm going for the inside. I'm going to fold it back. I'll use the back side. I'll use the inside. Then you think, wait a minute, every jackass who comes in here is doing this or wiping themselves off with the part I'm wiping my face with. Now I go back to the inside, I go back to the outside and I think, no, no, that part's getting used too much. What part of the towel do we need to use? You know what I'm saying?

1:31:37 Drew This is why you're going to become the poster child for why not to do mushrooms.

1:31:40 Adam Yeah. See, I wouldn't freak out staring at that towel.

1:31:43 Bill Bellamy That towel was...

1:31:45 Drew No, I don't, never occurred to me which side of the towel to use.

1:31:48 Adam Oh, and let me tell you, this whole, that whole mushroom thing, that was way before any terrorism, any blowing up airplanes or any of that crazy Hezbollah crap or all this kind of, now, that would be it now. That would be it. I would now, I would think I would be sitting on a dirty bomb. I would hear it ticking under my bed. I mean, now, you can't do that. No, you know you gotta do.

1:32:12 Drew Bill Bellamy, Bray, Bray and Brom.

1:32:14 Adam You gotta get all, you know.

1:32:15 Bill Bellamy You need no mushrooms.

1:32:16 Adam No, you can't go that direction. You know what you gotta do.

1:32:18 Bill Bellamy I don't even want you to have mushrooms in your soup.

1:32:20 Adam You go the booze direction now where you just, you put a few boozes down and before you know it you're in front of the mirror, you gotta prom, your shirt's off, you're talking, you got a prom with this, you want some of this, you want some, come on, come on towel heads, bring it on.

1:32:35 Bill Bellamy Bring it.

1:32:35 Caller Bring it. Bring it.

1:32:36 Adam Bring that dirty bomb. Yeah, I didn't think you were bringing it. You know what I'm saying? No, not the right. That's what you do. That's why booze is good. That's good. Yeah, mushrooms. Please don't bring it. Don't bring it.

1:32:49 Caller Yeah.

1:32:50 Adam And you're not even sure if you're alive to kill. You see what I'm saying? You're questioning that.

1:32:54 Drew Where's Bill this weekend?

1:32:55 Caller Bill?

1:32:55 Drew Bill Bellamy.

1:32:56 Caller Me and Bill.

1:32:58 Adam We're going to Santa Cruz. We're going to do some shrooms.

1:33:00 Drew Thursday.

1:33:01 Caller I got a VW van.

1:33:02 Drew Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, right?

1:33:03 Adam I rented a VW van. It's just going to be me and Bill.

1:33:06 Bill Bellamy And shrooms.

1:33:07 Adam And shrooms.

1:33:07 Bill Bellamy The whole back of it is just going to be shrooms.

1:33:11 Adam That's it.

1:33:11 Bill Bellamy That's all.

1:33:11 Adam Just me and Bill.

1:33:12 Bill Bellamy Back in the day.

1:33:13 Drew All right.

1:33:13 Adam We'll be back after this.

1:33:14 Caller All right, guys.

1:33:16 Drew Bottom line.

1:33:16 Caller Here's the deal. Looking to hook up.

1:33:18 Caller Sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

1:33:20 Caller One call is all you need to make. Call the Dateline, the Dateline, 877-889-DATE. Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:33:31 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191. Loveline on 947NRK is brought to you by Car Toys.

1:33:57 Adam Well, that's the show. Where did the time go? Two hours.

1:34:00 Bill Bellamy I had a good time.

1:34:01 Adam Come and gone.

1:34:03 Drew We sort of toured the human experience with you tonight. We really just got deep, fellas. A lot of territories.

1:34:10 Bill Bellamy We had some great callers call in, give us some good tips. We realized that fat lesbians don't get as much play as to really, you know, It was a long, long been a theory of mine.

1:34:23 Adam We took a field trip without ever getting on a bus. That's who you're dealing with. That's the mushroom stalking.

1:34:29 Caller That's old shrooms coming back.

1:34:31 Drew Rectovaginal fistulas can form, but they're not magic tunnels.

1:34:35 Bill Bellamy A fistula sounds like something you don't ever want to see.

1:34:38 Adam Every ten years, I give you the fistula. Do you want the finger every once every? It's a two for one, you know? Alright, here's the deal. Bill Bellamy at the Abrea Improv, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. A big celebrity. You're going to see a big celebrity doing comedy. Alright, thanks Bill.

1:34:57 Bill Bellamy Alright man, you guys keep kicking their ass man.

1:34:58 Adam And until next time, it's Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, Mahalo.

1:35:02 Bill Bellamy Are you driving on the 210 or you weigh 210 pounds?

1:35:05 Caller I weigh 210 pounds.

1:35:06 Bill Bellamy Oh yeah, you better stay with that dude.

1:35:12 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

Episode Feedback

Tuesday, September 30, 2003