1:20🔗
Voiceover
Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew is in Pittsburgh tonight. Why? Because somebody dropped a nickel. Come on, Drew, you said it too fast. You got to pace it out. Eric Balfour is here tonight. Eric. You know, from many, many, many movies. Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Can't Hardly Wait, American Sweethearts, but now from Sex, Love and Secrets on UPN Tuesday nights. Nine o'clock. Eric, I don't think I've, when's the last time I was here when you were here? Let's see, October 2003.
2:00🔗
Drew
That sounds, you know, if you say so. It's, you know, it's already, tomorrow is in Australia. So good morning.
2:05🔗
Drew
I don't, I think it was when we were, when we were actually promo-ing for Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
2:19🔗
Drew
I sort of got myself into a funky, comfortable position here. I've got my feet up on the chairs.
2:32🔗
Adam
I had to get out. I was slumming it. Eric, but there I always pass. I think you drive a cool vintage car, am I right?
2:39🔗
Drew
I used to. I used to have that Barracuda. What happened? It went back to my friend. I sold it back to him.
2:45🔗
Adam
Here's the thing about being cool. It takes a little work like I've realized. If you want to drive that bitch in 60s cruiser.
3:07🔗
Adam
Yeah, that kind of cool. Yeah, I want to just say that when you want, like I always think about those guys that have like that rockabilly look and they have to put a lot of.
3:17🔗
Adam
Have to put a lot of butchers wax in their hair and they have to put the boots on and they can never just throw on sweatpants and go down to the store and they drive the vintage car but the problem is is the car, yeah, doesn't have power steering and it's got front brakes and no air and it's got to warm up for 10 minutes every morning.
3:36🔗
Adam
They're that cool. Yeah, I just thought, you don't look cool in the Honda but the Honda's got an airbag and it's ready to go as soon as you turn the key.
3:43🔗
Drew
Yeah, it's like the Prius. You know, the Prius isn't the coolest thing in the world. But because it's not cool, it's kind of cool.
3:50🔗
Adam
But the Prius at least now is making a statement like that. You know, what's cool about the Prius is the Prius is, is rich guys and poor guys drive it and they're both cool in it because you're doing your thing for the environment.
4:05🔗
Drew
But my favorite thing about the Prius drivers are the ones who drive the Prius and then still throw their cigarette butts out the window.
4:11🔗
They're really super cool.
4:13🔗
Adam
I just, I'll tell you, there's something I don't understand and I'm going to pitch my my environmental plan again. One is, is the Prius gets 50 miles to the gallon, basically, which is fine, but so did the Honda CRX from 1986 and so did the GIO Metro in 1989 or whatever the hell it was. So first off, the fact that we had a handful of cars that got 50 miles to the gallon 15 to 20 years ago, you'd think, well, the benchmark would be 100 miles to the gallon, somehow that ain't happening. Number one, but here's my plan, and tell me if you're down with this. Freeways, freeways are too crowded, sky is too polluted, everything's a mess, everything's gridlocked or all fall apart, gas is going through the roof. Here's what I want. I say, and they're always telling everyone, we have to give people incentives, get them out of their cars, get them onto the bus, get them into carpools, blah, blah, blah. No one does it.
5:14🔗
Fine.
5:16🔗
Okay.
5:17🔗
Adam
If you want to drive, it's ten bucks a gallon. Now, the actual cost of gas, three bucks a gallon. The extra seven bucks, it's going to the monorail. It's going to vouchers for poor people. It's going to vans that will come to your house and pick you up and take you vanpool to work, whatever. Now, here's the deal. If you still really want to drive, ten bucks a gallon. But all the other monies going in the subway, going in the buses, going in the subsidies, we will incentivize people to leave their cars at home.
5:45🔗
Drew
Okay, here's my one glitch. The one glitch. For instance, people in New Orleans, Katrina happens. They say get out of town. Get out, get out, get out. All those people who didn't have cars, who the government kept saying, we warned you, get out.
6:09🔗
Eric Balfour
Well, here's the glitch. The glitch is what happens during those few years when the infrastructure is being built.
6:14🔗
Adam
Well, we don't even need the infrastructure anymore because the freeways, which were like prisons, made to house 2,000 inmates. We now have 5,000 inmates in these prisons. Go back to 1,500 inmates. You see?
6:31🔗
Eric Balfour
Before that stuff is up and running, how are you going to get to work if you can't afford 10 bucks a gallon?
6:35🔗
Adam
Here's the deal, Drew. It all begins with buses and van pools and that stuff. Nice new clean buses, nice vans and all that. Put everyone on it. Now, here's the deal, too. How do we escape when the dirty bomb lands? Well, first off, let Darwin do his job for a change.
6:52🔗
Adam
Let Darwin roll up his sleeves and really get to work around here. I want to do some weeding and not so much seeding. But here's the thing. We know...
7:01🔗
Adam
We know, yes, the people that aren't driving the van... If we gotta evacuate, the van's gotta go to the houses of the people that are on their van list.
7:10🔗
Adam
That's how it works. So, nice new vans that run off of hydrogen or run off of propane or natural gas or something. Seven bucks off of every gallon. Ten bucks a gallon, I tell ya. Seven bucks. Now, what's everyone do? No more escalates with the spinners anymore. If you want to drive, you are going to pay the price to drive.
7:34🔗
Drew
Do you know anybody with spinners on their car? I don't actually know anybody who has, I see them on the street, but I don't actually know anybody who drives them.
7:40🔗
Adam
I don't know anyone who actually has spinners, but I don't run with that crowd. I know Drew does, so I don't want to offend any of Drew's buddies.
7:48🔗
Adam
A friend of mine said eventually one of those spinners is going to come off, is going to kill somebody, and that'll be the end of spinners.
7:57🔗
Drew
That's the thing, that's the fun part about our show. It's about that whole other side of the city over in East Hollywood like Silver Lake. We don't have to deal with any of that. It's all about, you know, it's that, you know, well it's the scene kids, I guess, a little bit.
8:19🔗
Adam
Also, I have this retarded thing where I think I discovered her because I remember, I saw Starship Troopers.
8:26🔗
Eric Balfour
I just saw that tonight and I thought of that in fact. I saw Starship Troopers. Oh my god, this is where Adam fell in love with her.
8:32🔗
Adam
I was like, eight years ago, I was like, this chick is smoking hot. And everyone's like, who? Denise Richards, she's piping. And everyone's like, who? And then later on, they're all like, oh, Denise is hot. I'm like, ho ho, hello, I discovered her.
8:45🔗
Drew
Well, wait, could you see Denise's breasts in Starship Troopers? Or was that the other girl in the movie? She was on the screen and was like, oh, sorry.
8:59🔗
Adam
Yeah, it's a good movie. And I felt I laid claim to Denise Richards, the way you would lay claim like when you're in junior high to your month on the Playboy calendar.
9:14🔗
Drew
And she's like three months out of having a kid, man. And she looks amazing. Another kid? She and Charlie had another kid.
9:33🔗
Drew
Well, no, no, no, no, no. I don't think that wasn't that that wasn't the lineage of information. I think they they got pregnant and then things happened and, you know, whatever. But, you know, the one of the.
9:46🔗
It can't be Sheen.
9:48🔗
Drew
I got to tell you, he's. I mean, you were you. You know, John Cryer was our neighbor, too. Sure. But in his way, his ex-wife was.
9:58🔗
I don't even know her name.
9:59🔗
Adam
You know what? It is. You know, Drew, you know, Kathy Griffin and her husband broke up. What? Yes. When? John.
10:13🔗
Adam
They broke up. They broke up like two days ago. All I'm saying is, is these Hollywood. You know what it is? People are impulsive in Hollywood, which is, I think if you're from the Midwest and you're a substitute school teacher and he works for the DWP, they, you threaten to break up like several times a month, but you never do it.
10:35🔗
Drew
I gotta tell you a story about John Cryer's wife, but first, Charlie Sheen is awesome. He's an awesome guy.
10:42🔗
Adam
I know he's an awesome guy if you're a guy. Well, yeah, but if you married him, you'd be miserable.
10:51🔗
Drew
I'm not married to him, but you know what? I hear, Denise tells me, because they're still friends, they have the kids and they're still friends. He helps her run her lines for the show and he'll play me in our scenes with her. So I'm waiting to actually go and hear him do me in the scenes. I can't wait to see the, so, you know, do you need a haircut?
11:11🔗
Do you need a trim?
11:17🔗
Adam
Crazy guys who are horrible in relationships are always great guys for other guys to hang out with.
11:25🔗
Adam
Yeah, now hold on. Yeah, Drew. Now look at Drew. Horrible guy to hang out with. Yeah, boring.
11:31🔗
Adam
Boring, like pee whipped to the ninth degree. I mean, you don't want to hang out with Drew. No guy wants to hang out with Drew. But that's just a point.
11:45🔗
Eric Balfour
I was just saying that people that have addictions and things often are very entertaining to be around.
11:52🔗
Drew
Well, they're entertaining for the first hour until they start having withdrawals or jonesing or puking or sweating.
11:57🔗
Eric Balfour
But we, in fact, some of our most sociopathic patients in my program where I treat these people, our nurses will say, I love it, he's great, he's so much fun. And we think, oh Christ, here we go. Because it's a sign of sociopathy.
12:12🔗
Drew
So Cryer's wife, the first time I met her was at the laundry, the dry cleaners down the street over at Holly Hills.
12:20🔗
Adam
She was on our show, by the way, Drew. Sorry for cutting you off. She's a pretty blonde who was on...
12:35🔗
Drew
So I'd seen her in the neighborhood and she drives by me. She's driving the Mini Cooper that has the British flag on it, which immediately is a symbol of just nuttiness at the back.
12:44🔗
Drew
So she's driving by me on my street and she gives me this funny look as I'm standing in front of my house getting my mail. So I see her a couple of weeks later at the dry cleaner. She goes, do you live in my neighborhood? I go, yeah, I saw you the other day. She's like, I'm married to John. I'm like, all right, I see him driving by. He's a really nice guy. She's like, yeah, so funny. I saw you on the street in front of that house. I thought you were a male prostitute. Oh, I'm like, what? I'm like, why would that be your first assumption? She's like, well, you were just standing in front of it. I'm like, so you see someone standing in front of a house in a neighborhood in your first instinct? Oh, well, he's definitely a hooker.
13:30🔗
Drew
Just to share it with me, because I don't know if she thought I was going to maybe be like, well, you know, I'm not working right now, you know, 250 an hour.
13:39🔗
Adam
He he is the nicest guy in the world. He's a sweetheart. So it must be her. That's all I'm saying. But they had a newborn. And it's so it's weird because you live next. I lived across the street from them. And they're like, I said, they're walking the dog. They're pushing the newborn around. And the next thing you know, it's like, they're gone.
13:57🔗
I just gave him a blowjob.
14:00🔗
I tell you.
14:09🔗
Eric Balfour
No, no, no. Before you go to calls. It's the last chance tonight to win the iPod Nano. And the last time I have to read this. So each night, okay, tonight, you have to listen for Corn Twisted Transistor. The song is Twisted Transistor by Corn. As a bumper music, when you hear us come out of commercial, first person to say iPod Nano gets through on the Loveline and talks to the Loveline screener. You win, you'll also get a gift certificate from iTunes for 10 free downloads. You've got to be 18 years of old, of age or older. Wow, I'm tired today.
14:43🔗
Adam
You know who's excited this promotion is ending? iPod. They're the most excited that this is coming to an end. Sarah, you're 19?
15:14🔗
Well, hold still.
15:35🔗
Adam
Oh, look, I can cure this. Okay, hold on. I'm putting you on hold. I haven't told this story in a while. I used to wet the bed.
15:44🔗
Adam
Well, no, this is before I even had a problem with alcohol. Oh. Maybe now. Different story. But this is before the problem. I used to wet the bed and I wet the bed. I stopped for a while and then I started again when I was like eleven or something. And no one really seemed to care. But once every so often when I would go to sleep over at my grandparents' house, my grandpa didn't want me up the sofa. So he put a bucket by the side of the bed or by the side of the sofa. And I would go to bed at like nine o'clock, nine thirty at night and he would go in and watch Charo on The Tonight Show. And that would end at eleven, you know, twelve thirty, one o'clock. And when he would go to bed, he would pass me on the sofa, he'd wake me up and he'd say whiz in the bucket. And now for me, I went to bed about nine, nine thirties, so it's about the three, four hour mark. I would take a good long whiz into that bucket and then set it down and go back to sleep and I never wet the bed. Why? Because I got up in the middle of the night and took a whiz.
16:47🔗
Drew
So basically you need to have dreams of Charo going, no baby, take a piece, go come on, come on, you got to take a piece in the bucket, you got to love it, take a piece, come on baby.
16:55🔗
Eric Balfour
And if you remember Adam, I brought in some literature, a medical article that said that those behavioral interventions such as having timers and that kind of thing are as effective as anything else.
17:05🔗
Adam
Well people are taking pills, people are going to see therapies, people are having sheets that shock them. Here is how you do it everybody.
17:17🔗
Adam
That ain't gonna hurt. The other thing you need to do is go to any supermarket, any store and get yourself one of those little digital timers, just 10 bucks, they put them in kitchens, you can press the hour, you can press the minute, just tick tick tick and hit set and you got it for two hours, three hours or whatever. So if you're sarin, you're going to bed at midnight, hit your little timer for three hours. It'll go off at three in the morning. When it goes off, you get up and take a leak and then go back to sleep again. The next night, you could do it for four hours, but if you wake up wet, set it back.
17:51🔗
Drew
And if all else fails, I would suggest just get a catheter. The pills, I mean, get off the pills.
18:01🔗
Eric Balfour
Well, no, you become permanently dependent on them when you take it out. You can't hold your urine. You get infections. You get your kidney.
18:19🔗
Adam
Oh, OK. Now, no, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Now, how can the timer not work? How long did you set the timer for?
18:27🔗
Caller
And like every three hours, like you were saying, like I would go to sleep even if I went to bed, like even midnight, I would wake up at three o'clock.
18:39🔗
Eric Balfour
I mean, I would do it every hour. Wait, now, wait a minute. Do you have mechanical problems?
18:47🔗
Eric Balfour
But are you, do you have any other physiological problems? I mean, do you have a spinal injury or something, or spinal, you know, spina bifida or something?
19:42🔗
Adam
Drew, don't talk over the part where she says how old he goddamn was. Would you please? You were 11.
19:54🔗
Adam
So he's an adult and you were 11. So he's an animal. And now I'm sure he's got a few kids with your sister. Perfect. Perfect. I'm going to I'm going to get some coordinates and call in an airstrike so we can stop the nest.
20:10🔗
Drew
Sarah, before before you even worry about the bedwetting, man, you got to go deal with this. Go handle this and get some help with this, because that's a big issue. That's a big deal.
20:19🔗
Eric Balfour
But again, her dad's got to be a piece of work, too, given that sis decided to marry this a-hole.
20:40🔗
All right, all right.
20:41🔗
Adam
Sarah, here's, let me tell you. Use, try my timer plan again and try it this time, would you? Get some therapy and don't have any kids.
20:51🔗
Please?
21:00🔗
Adam
Okay. All right. All right. Listen, I, you know, here's my feeling and I'm, I'm a little tough in the love department, but I want guys like this just sort of destroyed because it's like, it's like he is taking a dump in the well that we're all trying to drink out of and I want him stopped. Like he is going to molest this chick, screw her up. She's going to hook up with an abusive guy. She's going to get pregnant. Their kid's going to get screwed up. Imagine what this guy is doing to his young kids, what he's exposing them to.
21:31🔗
Drew
It amazes me that they actually can, they can, you know, have punishments they think are feasible for these things like five years, seven years, like that's going to fix a creature like this.
21:43🔗
Adam
And the same thing you'd get for selling some tabs of acid at a Grateful Dead concert, you get for banging an 11-year-old.
22:02🔗
Pedophile. Yeah, all right.
22:05🔗
Adam
Eric, just please dig on this. I know you're a pretty decent-sized player in this community, and I know you know some pretty heavy hitters, too. Now, dig this.
22:14🔗
Adam
This could be a TV show. The year is 2031. What do we do with the pedophiles? You know, we can't have them killed, but all they do is get out and repeat their horrible crimes against society. We put them on an island. Pedophile.
22:34🔗
Adam
No, no, no. It's not a reality show. It's a drama. It's an hour-long drama. That'd be good, too.
22:53🔗
Adam
Me and Eric could think of the name of it eventually. You, Drew, under the head of you and everyone in your family and gave you seven months, you come up with zero. But Michelle will get on the island or that something escape. It was a good move. OK, here's my point. We have an island and every pedophile from the world, around the world, ends up at this island. And our whole thing is like, we're not going to kill you. But look, there will be no children for you guys to apply your trade. And you can just, you know, have your hierarchy and whatever. Until until a plane filled with Cub Scouts crashes on its way back from a jamboree.
23:36🔗
Adam
I like this is South Park information that now there is a group of Cub Scouts who must use their training.
23:45🔗
Drew
So it's Lord of the Flies. Lord of the Flies, because you got to have a tag for it. Lord of the Flies meets the movie with Brad Pitt and Michael and Michael Patchett. Meet Lost. Well, Meet Lost.
23:56🔗
Adam
Meet Lost in that movie. We're going to find out the name of now. Now there's the one kid that could never get his merit badge for whatever, skinning a rabbit or starting a fire. That's at the end. That's what it comes down to. He has to start that fire. Yeah. Now I see you as the head of the pedophile. No, I see you as, you know who you are?
24:32🔗
Adam
But agreed to go on this trip with your dad. And your dad's telling you about discipline and about honor. And you've kind of turned your back on it. But after the plane crash, your father dies. And you have to take over as the leader of the troops.
25:00🔗
Huge, huge.
25:04🔗
Adam
There's a volcano that's going to go off. You're being chased by these things. The predators. These horrible predators.
25:10🔗
Drew
And then there's that scene with the weakest kid. The one who couldn't run as fast as everybody.
25:27🔗
Adam
There's an element of warriors in it too, because the pedophiles have broken off into their own gangs and cults.
25:35🔗
Drew
And they, you know, they're a little gay anyway, so they have like baseball uniforms or...
25:43🔗
Eric Balfour
Given that Michael Nairn's going to make a cartoon out of this, what's my role in this?
25:53🔗
Adam
You know, you are the... I'll tell you who you're the voice of. You're the narrative. You're the voice inside Eric's head of his dead father who tells him to lead, who tells him to be strong, who gives up and revolt.
26:05🔗
Eric Balfour
No, no, it's like Lion King where I'm up in the sky and he talks to me. I'm the star.
26:13🔗
Yes.
26:22🔗
Adam
No, hold on. You still hold on. You deliver that one like the iPod commercial. Let's go, buddy.
26:27🔗
Drew
Give me some clean tape. It'll work too because we got one of these narratives on our show and it's like the omnipotent voice sort of commenting on society and relationships and it works really well. It's going to be...
26:41🔗
Eric Balfour
Yes, here it is. Here it is. Yes, like the Desperate Housewife, the guy that tells the story at the beginning. It'll be my voice because I'm a ghost. I'm ever-present. I'm there everywhere. I'm watching this happen. I went and talk about setting the scene and just when they thought things were safe, my dear son, I worry about him constantly.
27:04🔗
Eric Balfour
Then, no, no, no. But when I'm talking to the audience, I'm kind and gentle. But when I talk to you, I mean...
27:14🔗
Drew
Yes. You should come and get some practice. You should come and do some of the narrative on our show. You could come talk about love and sex and see what's going on.
27:28🔗
Eric Balfour
Wait a minute. Give me a theme. Give me something. About what? So let's remember who you are.
27:33🔗
Adam
Yeah. Come on, Drew. Come up with them yourself. You went to college for 70 years. You can't come up with three things.
27:43🔗
Adam
True. I'm done doing the thinking on this show. Now come up with three good ones and come up with them now. Go.
28:13🔗
Eric Balfour
All right. Dax, remember who you are. What's your last name? What's your last name? What's your last name?
28:21🔗
Eric Balfour
Oh, McClintock. Dax, remember who you are. You are a McClintock. You're from Proud Stock. You know what's right. You know what you need to do. OK, Dax.
28:34🔗
Tighten it up and really hit Tuesdays at 9 o'clock on UP.
28:39🔗
Eric Balfour
Dax, remember who you are. You come from the proud McClintock stock. Remember. Is that good?
28:48🔗
Drew
I think you should add one more. I think you need one more. You should do it with an accent. Let's just get three.
28:57🔗
It's one to twelve, it's eleven thirty.
29:00🔗
Adam
Drew, give me three wild lines. Give me three runs, three different runs. Just wild like run, run. You know what I mean?
29:07🔗
Three wilds and we'll go to bright.
29:12🔗
Dax, run!
29:19🔗
Adam
All right, that's very good. Dax McClintock in studio tonight. Here's a little project called Pedophile. It's coming out this Friday Nationwide. We'll take a quick break. Be right back after this. Boring bit.
29:34🔗
Loveline's phone number is 1-800-LOVE-191. Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew. We'll be right back.
29:49🔗
Adam
What's happening, everybody? It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew in Pittsburgh. Why? Because somebody dropped a nickel.
29:58🔗
Eric Balfour
That's right. I was thinking off the air here that you guys were advocating, you and Adam were advocating that girl get up every hour and pee, but that DDAVP was working for her. It's a hormone with no side effects. Why don't let her, what's the difference between her having disturbed sleep all night and not feeling good and taking a medicine that makes her not pee?
30:22🔗
Adam
That's number one. Number two, I feel like in terms of the message she's sending herself, especially someone who is victimized in the past, that she should be proactive. She should say, I can take care of this. I can solve this. I don't have to take a pill. I can take care of it. Let me do a quick plug.
30:44🔗
Adam
Yes. Thank you. Truer words were never spoken. Eric Balfour is here tonight. Sex, Love and Secrets on UPN Tuesday Nights, 9 o'clock with the smoking hot Denise Richards as well. And the now new narrative voice of Dr. Drew, who plays Dax McClintock's father.
31:19🔗
Adam
You spent so much time, which you didn't need, but you used to magnify the sun's light to start a signal fire.
31:28🔗
Adam
Now here's the other thing too. You spent so much time rebelling against your father, but after he passed, you realized you guys had a lot, a lot, a lot. You guys shared a lot in common.
31:51🔗
Drew
Oh yeah. Of course. Digging the little, building the fire, and then digging the little patch in the dirt, and then laying holes.
32:01🔗
Adam
Wow. The movie's done, by the way. It's already in the can. It's gonna be at Sundance in a few weeks.
32:25🔗
Drew
I figured it out. I thought she was gonna be a native. No, no, she's not a native to the island.
32:35🔗
Adam
It's good. It's solid. Oh, don't worry. We'll get her in something light. Don't worry. Here it is, though. Are you ready? She is an Eagle Scout that's accompanying the Scout troop with her, who looks like a nerdy guy. Is it for an exchange student? We find out she's a woman. Whoa. We think she's a 17-year-old Norwegian boy for the first half of the movie.
33:00🔗
Adam
At a certain point, find out she had to pose as a boy in order to make the trip, in order to be an Eagle Scout, because we don't let women become Eagle Scouts. We find that in the bathing scene at the lake.
33:16🔗
Wow. Wow.
33:29🔗
I'm here.
33:39🔗
Oh, well, my fantasy is that, I don't know, I can't get turned on by any guys or girls, but I have sex with kitchen appliances.
33:52🔗
Anything basically that could penetrate me.
34:15🔗
Drew
Now, what does it, for you more, something hard and like metal or something more soft and like a like a sponge or like one of the, you know, the sponge that have the soap inside the stick of it?
34:28🔗
Basically, I've been using like kitchen utensils, like, you know, that you like mix stuff up with, like from the like you bake with stuff like that.
34:42🔗
Adam
Can we ever get any good specific information out? Yes. Basically. And here's the thing. When you hear the sentence start with basically be prepared to be let down.
34:53🔗
Adam
Not necessarily. It just went. When you think about it, when you say to somebody, when you say to somebody, look, I want specific details. Tell me what you use on yourself. Well, basically to might as well stop right there because you're never going to get what you want out of it. Yes. Things that you mix things up with.
35:13🔗
Drew
But I want to name it. Give us a specific time and date. What was the last time and what did you use?
35:18🔗
Right. The last time was a wisp about two hours ago.
35:23🔗
What's a wisp?
35:25🔗
It's a wisk.
35:28🔗
Yeah.
35:35🔗
No, actually insert it, twist it.
35:38🔗
Eric Balfour
No, here's the deal. Here's the deal. Now, did somebody, did somebody when you were very, very young do some weird insertions on you?
35:46🔗
No.
35:53🔗
That's just like my, that's what gets me off.
35:58🔗
Eric Balfour
Listen, you know, Adam, you know how people work, that's traumatizing stuff in childhood becomes what's sexual in young adulthood.
36:03🔗
Adam
And then they keep going back to it. So let me just try to get to the bottom of this. Where's your dad?
36:11🔗
He died in a car accident.
36:46🔗
Adam
So now you have these horrible mixed feelings because you know what? There's a part of you that probably wished your dad was gone. Yes, many times when you're hearing these horrible arguments he's had with your mom going through the paper thin doors of the Grampy apartment. What did dad do? What did dad do to you?
37:09🔗
Drew
Something's going on because it's a strange lineage though. I mean, I get that there's something going on in the past, but to go from that to then...
37:33🔗
Family member?
37:38🔗
Okay.
38:00🔗
Adam
She's definitely depressed. Her dad died. Dax. Her dad. That's the voice of her dad. Take the blender out of your crotch. OK. Her father died. Her dad was an alcoholic. No sexual abuse, no physical abuse.
38:49🔗
How are they?
39:03🔗
Eric Balfour
All right. Listen, you were molested. You don't remember it. I'm declaring this. I'm declaring that's what happened to you. Somebody did something weird to you. I virtually guarantee it. That's what this is.
39:19🔗
Adam
First off, hold on a second. I'm not a, nor I'm not a religious man. I'm normally an atheist, but thank you, God Almighty, that you put this guy in the ground. It is so awesome that your dad is dead. I feel that in my deepest hearts of hearts. Everyone does that thing where every life is sacred. No, you molest your two sons. You go out drinking and driving. You get put in the ground. Awesome. That's exactly the way the world should be. It would have been great if Hitler was killed with a pencil when he was five. Through the eye socket. It would have been awesome. Awesome.
39:57🔗
Adam
Or at least after he molested him had been killed. That's right. Right. Here's the whole thing. All this stuff is great. So I'm glad your dad is dead. And Tiffany, we now know he did something to you. We thought he did something to you for the first, what felt like 45 minutes of this phone call. We now know he did. Tiffany, you're a mess. You're depressed and you're a mess. Now, here's the deal. You are going to have a horrible life. Horrible unless you help yourself. And you, pouting around and shoving. You are gonna have to A, not get pregnant. Please do not get pregnant. A, B, C, and D, do not get pregnant. Also, I think you need, I know you don't have any money. I know, I think you need to get in like a 12-step program. I think she needs to throw herself on Al-Anon or Alateen.
41:02🔗
Adam
Now you have to help yourself like everyone else who got abused and calls a show. Unfortunately, your mom's not there for you. Your dad, thank Christ, is in the ground. And now you're smart, you're independent, you're 18, you're an adult. It's time to take care of yourself.
41:24🔗
Adam
Go to Alateen. Just go somewhere and talk to a whole bunch of other people that have gone through exactly what you've gone through. Some worse, by the way. All right. Do we have to take a break? Where are we? Oh, I think it's break time. Eric Balfour is here tonight. Sex, Love, and Secrets. Name his show. 9 p.m. UPN. Tuesday Nights. Denise Richards also in that. Also, she plays the young Wee below, who's gonna be a pedophile starring Eric as well. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.
41:59🔗
Caller
Adam and Dr. Drew will be right back on Loveline in just a minute or two. Call 1-800-LOVE-191.
42:12🔗
Adam
Yeah, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam Carolla. That's Dr. Drew. Calling from Pittsburgh tonight. Why? Because someone dropped a nickel. Eric Balfour is our guest tonight. Sex, Love and Secrets is the name of his show, UPN. Nine o'clock, Tuesday nights. I'll give a little plug on my show too. Too late with Adam Carolla on Comedy Central. Every night on midnight. And got my TLC show coming up this Tuesday, 10 o'clock.
42:50🔗
Adam
Oh, you do. Yes. OK. I'm going to the UCLA game. Yes, we can. But Drew, you must drink a beer. Do you understand?
43:05🔗
Adam
I'm doing none of that LA crap. I'm doing the coin toss at the UCLA game on Saturday and they're playing, I don't know, Oregon or something. Yeah.
43:17🔗
Adam
I'll figure out. Washington. Washington. So that'll be awesome. Drew lives right by the word as well. Yes, we'll work that out, Drew.
43:27🔗
Eric Balfour
Before you do, before you do, again, last chance to get the iPod Nano when we play the song Twisted Transistor by Korn in our bumper music out of commercial. Be the first person to get through on Loveline and say iPod Nano to the screener. You'll win the Nano and a gift certificate from iTunes for 10 free downloads. You got to be 18 years of age or older.
44:16🔗
Caller
Yeah, I got a little Germany or Florida. It's a show that I read now. Okay, a family admiring the view from a fairground fairsville at the local fair got more than they bargained for when a porn shoot suddenly began inside their cabin, authorities said on Friday. I'm sorry?
44:37🔗
Caller
Yes, at the local fair and they got more than they bargained for when a porn shoot suddenly began inside their cabin.
44:54🔗
Caller
Wow. It goes on to say, having settled down to Joy, having settled down to Joy, a leisurely spin wheel, the fair patrons were quite unprepared for the arrival of two men toting cameras and a woman who started to use a vibrator.
45:22🔗
Adam
You mean one of those big ones like they have in England where multiple people climb into the thing?
45:29🔗
Adam
Like they don't have in Florida, yeah. So if it's a ferris wheel and there was a cabin in the ferris wheel, it must have taken place in Germany.
45:36🔗
Eric Balfour
And if they had something that was closed, they wouldn't call it a cabin in Florida.
45:48🔗
Adam
All right. So, William, this took place in the same on the ferris wheel. This porn movie.
46:12🔗
Adam
They don't call ferris wheel seats cabins in the United States. Yeah, they're ass holders.
46:20🔗
Adam
Eric Balfour here tonight. Sex, Love and Secrets, UPN, Tuesday Nights, nine o'clock, Denise Richards also in there. Don't don't forget, I discovered her. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. This is Dr. Drew. He's in Pittsburgh. Well, you know why. Eric Balfour's here tonight. Sex, Love, and Secrets on UPN Tuesday nights. Nine o'clock, Denise Richards in that as well. Premiered, oh, just yesterday.
47:51🔗
Drew
He has a right. He discovered her. She would be, I think she would be honored to finally.
47:57🔗
Drew
That's okay. She, you know, she's, she's, you know, she's a midwesterner. She's polite that way.
48:09🔗
Adam
I'm gonna find out what she does. Oh, by the way, that movie we're talking about with Ray Liotta about an hour ago was called No Escape, 1994, an island movie, Prisoners on an Island. Yes. I like when they do those radical things, but it's not too far in the future. It's like the years, 2019, New York City's been turned into a maximum security prison.
48:35🔗
Drew
And cars are flying already, finally. Right. Finally. Yeah. They haven't figured out pollution, but cars are flying.
48:41🔗
Adam
Yeah. I would really like to go back and take a look at so many of those movies that were made in the 70s, where it did that things like, the year, 1989. Man, it's colonized Mars. You know, it's like, what?
49:01🔗
Adam
Well, here's the whole thing, Drew and I always discuss is, when you were making movies in the 70s and the 80s, the year 2000 didn't seem like 12 years away. It seemed like 2012 years away. That was the whole thing. You're making a movie in 1989 and you're like, the year is 2002. Men and women have become one to create an androgynous form. It's like, hello, that's 13 years from now.
49:33🔗
Eric Balfour
The other thing, though, is there was a profound narcissism back then where no one was ever going to get old, time was never going to pass, and if time did pass, it would be into this glorious, bizarre future.
50:05🔗
Eric Balfour
About a year and a half ago, I was raped and nobody believed me, and all my best friends turned on me and stuff. And now I kind of want it to happen again, but to be able to have proof of it so everybody can act like they actually care.
50:29🔗
Adam
Something happened. But here's that part I never get, which I always think is BS. You know, I was raped. No one believes me. All my friends turned on me.
50:40🔗
Adam
Yeah, you say to your friends, I think I was raped and like a liar. Forget you. And they leave. And that how it works.
50:49🔗
Adam
No, that's it. Well, that's that's how you feel. Every time you are in contact with somebody.
50:55🔗
Eric Balfour
Well, actually, to me, they acted like, you know, oh, we love you and we'll go to the cops with you. But then they told my boyfriend at the time that they were there supposedly. And they knew I was lying and that I just cheated on him.
51:11🔗
Eric Balfour
Tell us the story. Me and a couple of my friends were out kind of in the country and I needed a ride home. And this guy said that he would give me a ride or his friend would give me a ride. And so we went.
51:28🔗
Eric Balfour
Some of my boyfriend's friends and my best friend's boyfriend's friends. Like, I didn't really know him that well, but.
51:48🔗
Eric Balfour
Let me put it all together here. Indeed, she was raped, but she was sexually abused growing up. And Adam, you know how victims behave when they are. They lay themselves out there for victimizers, put themselves in situations where it doesn't. It seems like they're encouraging the victimization, but they become great victims. So I would predict that in this situation.
52:08🔗
Drew
It's a condition of apathy, when you're in an apathetic state and you're feeling like you're constantly in effect of everything else going on around you, you allow that.
52:17🔗
Eric Balfour
Well, no, they actually seek it out. They actually, first of all, they wear signs on them that says victimize me, and victimizers can sense it.
52:26🔗
Adam
Yes, but let's not jump the gun just yet. Make sure. Were you abused in the past? Yeah. All right, well, there it is. This is, by the way, my sort of Kobe Bryant theory, which is, okay, let's just go over the beats just so everyone can understand it and doesn't think we're just being cruel or piling on. When you get sexually abused when you're younger, as a woman, guys do their own thing. They just become predators later on, or they go gay to one or the other. Not usually both, but anyway. Women then end up getting victimized again and again and again. Now they put themselves in dangerous situations with people who are capable of this. They're attracted to it like a moth to the flame. Not that the flame is good for the moth, but still get a powerful attraction. Usually you start scratching beneath the surface and it's like, well, what do you mean you were raped in the middle of a party? Well, we were in it. Well, why didn't you just yell for help or kick the guy off you? I froze. I told him to stop.
53:32🔗
Eric Balfour
Which is in fact the case that people who have been sexually abused as children get what's called a freeze response. It's a death feigning behavior, primitive death feigning behavior that now becomes ingrained in them. So when they're in these situations, they do freeze.
53:48🔗
Adam
Yes, it is. And so what ends up happening is the guy, in the guy's mind, he didn't rape anybody. He got drunk with some chick and they went at it. In her mind, every physical contact goes away, goes down, is rape. Some of it is rape, some of it isn't rape, and then some of it is just that weird gray area.
54:12🔗
Eric Balfour
No, she was raped. She was raped. But also then she feels victimized by her friends, victimized by her parents. Everyone's victimizing her all the time. That's the feeling.
54:21🔗
Drew
Have you done anything to try to kind of take responsibility for what you're going to do to help yourself now?
54:43🔗
Eric Balfour
Yeah. Well, I don't know if he ever actually went to jail. I know he was on America's Most Wanted, though.
54:57🔗
Eric Balfour
Well, he did it to my friend and her sister and all of her sister's friends. And I guess tapes were found of him doing it to the other girls.
55:17🔗
Drew
The reason your parents don't want to believe that it happened is because it's hard for them to know that they couldn't.
55:24🔗
Eric Balfour
No, no. The reason is, here's the reason. I'm going to play car neck again to fill the rest of this in. Her mom was sexually abused and the fact that she let her child go into that situation and that happened to her daughter is too overwhelming to go near.
56:02🔗
Drew
Oh my God. Megan, there's definitely people out there who can help you and you can definitely do something to help yourself with this situation. It's not hopeless.
56:09🔗
Eric Balfour
So put it in context though, Megan, your mom can't acknowledge this. She's incapable of it. It's too overwhelming for her. You're not going to be able to look to your parents to get what you need.
56:25🔗
Eric Balfour
Right. Of course. And then the other thing is your friends, they're 19 or whatever. There's no way they can understand what's going on here. You can't expect them to put this in the context either. Get professional help, Megan. It's the only thing you can do for yourself right now.
56:59🔗
Drew
Yeah, Megan, don't pass on what happened to you to that kid. Go get some help. Get better somehow. There's people who can help you.
57:06🔗
Adam
Okay, would you give the kid up for adoption? It's too late. Let somebody three months. Let somebody say and raise the kid. Huh?
57:34🔗
Adam
Okay, let me just go on a minor jag here. If I want to put an addition on top of my garage, I have to go down to City Hall and suck off every single guy who has a dork. And when I'm done topping off with semen, then I can pull out my checkbook and write a check for about five grand. And then if they grace me with their appearance three months later, a guy with a tape measure on his belt is going to come by every other day and tell me every goddamn thing I can do at my own house before, you know, he's going to tell me whether the foundation is ready to go. He's going to tell me when I can put the stucco paper on it. He's going to tell me how the scratch coat is going. He's going to tell me how the brown coat is going. I'm going to have to wait for him before I put the drywall mud on because he has to inspect the nailing on the drywall. That takes permits, that takes work, that takes money, and not just anybody can just go around and start building on their house willy-nilly. But if you're 17 and you're victim of abuse, and you're hooked on drugs, and you have an a-hole abusive boyfriend, you can crap out a kid and do, hey, you know what? Do your best raising him. And don't worry. Society will jump in and pick up the tab later on when the kid goes AWOL.
58:51🔗
Drew
Would you ever have thought that Keanu Reeves would have had one of the most prolific statements of all time from that movie Parenthood? Remember, any A-hole can get a fishing, you know, can, you know, you have to get a license to go fishing, a license to drive a bus, but any A-hole can have a kid.
59:06🔗
Adam
Well, he didn't write it, so I figured it might come out of it. But no, he didn't sing it. Yeah.
59:15🔗
Adam
It is so goddamn pathetic that people like Megan and Anne, here's the scary part, too, has a son.
59:23🔗
Adam
Now, the problem is, if he has a daughter, well, that's just one more stripper to bachelor party. That's fine. It's one more victim. But the son, he can do damage.
59:31🔗
Drew
He can be a predator. Is it true? Drew might actually know this better than Keanu. Yeah, exactly.
59:38🔗
Drew
But is it true that every woman who is pregnant, if want to, if she gave up that child for adoption before it was born, it would be adopted into a family? And is that true that every child in America is so absolutely absolutely?
59:55🔗
Drew
OK, I wasn't sure because I heard that statement and that sounded, you know, sounded pretty incredible to me. So you're saying every mother who was pregnant and says, when the baby's born, I'm going to give it up for adoption. Every one of those children find the home.
1:00:07🔗
Eric Balfour
Listen, people are going by the hundreds of thousands to China because there aren't enough here.
1:00:14🔗
Adam
And here's here. Here's the thing, too. And you mean everyone is currently pregnant now or just everyone who was thinking about everyone was thinking about it?
1:00:31🔗
Adam
No problem. All right. No problem. White kid. He goes in the first round. Yeah, that's how it goes. Yeah, she could give this kid up and go in seconds, even at three months. Who cares? And also, here's the deal. It's 17, not allowed to buy liquor, not allowed to vote, not allowed to enlist in the armed services. You're 17. You're a minor. You understand?
1:01:05🔗
Adam
Point is, is there's a whole bunch of stuff you cannot do because you're not an adult yet, but you can rear a child. You can raise a kid. That's not abuse.
1:01:18🔗
Adam
Oh, my God. No child left behind. What the F does that even mean, these retarded platitudes that these pussy politicians crap out? They mean nothing. Nobody says anything. You want to cure whatever ill's this society? Let's get the Megans of the world on Norplant. Let's find them. Let's get to them. Let's put something in their arm and let's not let them get pregnant because they're unhealthy. They're unfit. They can't raise a healthy child because they're not healthy. Please. You know what, Drew? Here's the deal. When you're on Accutane, when you're on Accutane, they put you on birth control.
1:01:58🔗
Adam
They make a huge deal out of it. Why? Because if you're on Accutane and you get pregnant, you will give birth to a defective child. If you were molested and ritualistically abused your whole life, you are going to give birth to a defective child. Believe you me.
1:02:13🔗
Eric Balfour
If you haven't gotten help, if you haven't gotten help and dealt with it. You're going to find a victimizing partner to defectify your child. Right.
1:02:21🔗
Adam
Right. Nobody wants to talk about it. Nobody gets the correlation. Nobody has done this math. And as far as I'm concerned, shouldn't politicians be focusing on this? Why do we just focus on the aftermath? Oh, we'll build more prisons. Oh, we'll have more detox centers. Oh, we'll have more this. We'll build more that.
1:02:43🔗
Adam
Well, what I mean is more prisons, more money allocated for these people that are of need, more money for services and job training, or more whatever. We need money to correct the problems that affect society, but not the steady supply of people who need it.
1:03:02🔗
Drew
Right. Well, it's never an issue of fixing the problem before it happens. It's always a question of damage control.
1:03:11🔗
Adam
Right. That's all it is. Let's wait till the levy breaks and then we'll come in. Let's not fortify the levy before the storm hits.
1:03:23🔗
Adam
Damn fat cats. Let me tell you something. When I'm in charge, I'm going to send a message to the fat cats in Washington.
1:03:28🔗
Drew
Dude, let's get Warren Beatty to run for governor. Let's get Warren Beatty and then we get him in the office.
1:03:36🔗
Adam
He's not banging a 14 year old. He is going to be awesome. Awesome. Yeah, here's my plan. I want to grow huge facial hair. I want a guy with huge beard, huge beard.
1:03:50🔗
Adam
Burnside, General Burnside. All I'm going to do is every time I do a speech, I'm just going to yell, I'm going to send a fat cat. I'm going to send a message to the fat cats in Washington. Everyone's just going to cheer and that'll be it. I'll never tell anyone what I'm going to do other than send a message to these people. And I spin it this way too. A vote for me is a message sent to the fat cats in Washington that we're not going to take it anymore. And everyone just erupts. Huge beard. No one even knows.
1:04:23🔗
Adam
No one knows if I'm Republican or Democrat. They don't know where I'm from. Adi? O-D-B? 29?
1:04:32🔗
Hello?
1:04:36🔗
Oh, my name is OT.
1:04:39🔗
Yes. I have a question and I've never been sexually abused or anything like that. But I have we've been together for 12 years. And when I blow him and I love to do it every night.
1:04:59🔗
Love it. I love to follow his stuff.
1:05:03🔗
OK, because. OK.
1:05:05🔗
Drew
You know, just so you know, it's two men sitting in a room alone together. This really isn't doing it for us. But go on.
1:05:12🔗
OK. After I do it, he doesn't want to kiss me. Is there a problem with me or him?
1:05:26🔗
Yes. I've been just doesn't what the hell is going on?
1:05:29🔗
Drew
Because, you know, he doesn't want his own sperm coming back in his mouth. It's as simple as that. Go have a have a little cup of mouthwash next to the bed. Rinse your mouth and you'll be just fine. Ask him if that's OK. It'll solve all your problems.
1:05:44🔗
What's the big deal?
1:05:47🔗
Go brush next to the.
1:06:05🔗
Drew
How come? How come when I wipe my ass with my hand, nobody will shake it? Why is that? Explain this to me, brother.
1:06:12🔗
Adam
Odie, I really feel like if my dog could talk before, you know, a huge laundry list of, you know, things, things that you didn't want me to do anymore, at the top of the list would be masturbating in front of it. But but it would sound like Odie.
1:06:44🔗
Caller
And that's what I was I was talking about. You guys talk about so much rape and this and that.
1:07:46🔗
Drew
Could you imagine? While she's still got it in her mouth, she's going, Kiffry, no, taste it. Don't you want to taste it?
1:07:56🔗
Drew
Have you ever had a girl do that to you? I had one try once. I had one. She had it. And she like I was on my back and she tried to put it in my mouth.
1:08:14🔗
Drew
Yeah. I was she thought it was so funny. I'm like, you know what? It's going to be really funny when I when I have you on your toothbrush.
1:08:21🔗
Adam
The other you know, the other thing too is, is it's not that we don't want to kiss you because there's some of our seed in your mouth.
1:08:30🔗
Adam
No, that's part of it. The other part is, is I don't like smooching after the orgasm. I'm done. I'm done with the smooching part.
1:08:50🔗
Adam
Not not sexually abused, but sort of angry that we're talking about it and angry in general.
1:09:00🔗
Adam
She was physically abused, right, Drew? Yeah, she was angry and she needs her man's seed every night. Something.
1:09:22🔗
Drew
Let's take ourselves a little break. She like beats the back of her throat with it and her tonsils are raw. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:09:38🔗
Adam
Really? Love Line will be right back. Yeah, Loveline, everybody. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Eric Balfour is here tonight. He's got himself a little show on UPN. Sorry. Tuesday night, it's nine o'clock. Sex, Love and Secrets. We have a phone call to take. Dr. Drew is in Pittsburgh tonight. Also, I think that may have been our iPod song.
1:10:26🔗
Drew
I didn't hear Jonathan Davies' voice, so I don't know for sure, but it sure sounded like corn.
1:10:29🔗
Adam
I think I heard a bagpipe. Here's why the bagpipes are a great instrument to play. Nobody knows you're playing it badly.
1:10:42🔗
Adam
If you play the piano or you play the violin, people know immediately when you suck. But if you play the bagpipes, no one really knows if you suck and everyone's scared to say anything.
1:10:57🔗
Adam
Yeah, rise up and fight with Mel Gibson. 1-800-LOVE-191 is the phone number. Franklin is 18. He's been on hold for 70 minutes.
1:11:10🔗
Caller
It's not much. It's so cool to finally talk to you guys and listen to you all the time.
1:11:15🔗
Caller
Well, for the past two weeks, or about a week or so, maybe two, but every time I masturbate or something and I come into orgasm, it feels like nothing is really going on at all, but I still ejaculate and there can be tons, there can be little, but I don't get the intensity, I don't get anything really like it's an orgasm at all.
1:11:40🔗
Caller
No, and that's kind of, I have been on antidepressants before and that totally sucked, it made me depressed because I couldn't get off.
1:11:56🔗
Caller
About a week and a half or two weeks ago is when I noticed, so I don't think it started before then.
1:12:04🔗
Caller
Maybe, it's been a while between each session because I'm moving or pretty stressed out with the work.
1:12:15🔗
Adam
Moving? I could have my foot caught in a bear trap when I was 18 and still squeeze average three a day. Low on fluids.
1:12:23🔗
Drew
Yeah, that is weird because I was going to say, my first thing to you was, well, maybe you're just doing too much and you're bored, but you're not doing it that often.
1:12:31🔗
Caller
Well, I mean, I tried again last night and that was the last time, but before then it was probably like three or four days.
1:12:44🔗
Caller
What I'm saying is when I do, it doesn't feel, you know, sometimes when you wait, it feels great. You get a huge orgasm, huge load, all that stuff, but this time...
1:13:06🔗
Eric Balfour
Here's the deal. It may just be that he has been depressed and very anxious and his sex drive is down, testosterone circulating levels can drop and some guys can be very sensitive to this. It may also be that you're getting some illness or something. I mean, if this goes on in a couple of weeks, I would definitely see a medical doctor just to make sure. I mean, if you've got hypothyroidism or something, not even anything very, very serious, but it could affect this kind of thing.
1:13:30🔗
Adam
I had to give a sperm sample on a weekend. Another one? No, no, same one, Sunday. Sperm sample on Sunday, by the way, which is, you know, my people say it.
1:13:45🔗
Adam
There's this part where you have to check off in the box, like last time you ejaculated, and I was like, so I just, I thought, oh my Christ, I must have beat off last night or the night before. So I was just, I wrote a week. You know, I just wrote, I physically wrote week in there cause I had no idea. And then when I pulled into the nurses station, she was like, it says a week, is that seven days? And I'm like, well yeah, why, why, yeah, why, why? What is this, some kind of interrogation? What is this, Abu Graib over here? What's going on? I just thought I was trying to get my wife pregnant. Is that a crime? Maybe I protested too much.
1:14:25🔗
Adam
Yeah. And by the way, when I say week, I don't count the eight minutes ago when I was beating off the broom closet over there. Hearing you goddamn chatty cathedrals talk about what's going on over the weekend and, you know, a desperate housewives for the love of Christ. Jesus Christ, could there be some decorum at these places? I've done this two times now and each time I've heard these fat nurses just in the nursing, it just sounds like this. He did not say that. He did? Oh my God. Oh my God. Judy, if he... Shelly, come here. Shelly, did you? I'm like, come on. Shelly, did you? Judy said, no, she said it. Come here. Would you please come here? He doesn't know. Well, he doesn't know what he's got. I'll tell you, he will. He will when he loses it. I'll tell you that. He won't know. But no, you have to send him out. I'm like, would you? Could you see? Shut up for 10 seconds.
1:15:21🔗
Adam
Oh, my God. It was it was as if I raped myself. It was that unsatisfying. You know, the thing the thing about these, the thing about these places, these fertility places, they weren't built to be fertility places. They could have been a dentist office or an architect's office. Or they just decide it's not like a sound studio or something. It's like, yeah, here's the B, here's the J room right over here. Well, the J room is two feet from the nurses station. It's got a hollow corridor and it's been undercut four inches because they had shag in there.
1:15:56🔗
Adam
Right. It's like, oh, you hear people talking and yapping. And where's that? And then once while your name will pop, is he in there?
1:16:06🔗
Adam
So when you expect, OK, you added 10 minutes. You want to go for 20? You want to keep talking, baby. Keep talking.
1:16:16🔗
Adam
Well, I'll tell you about the I'll tell you about the porn. First off, there's nothing but chicks that work there. They should really be staffed with like 18 year old dudes. Hey, buddy, have at it. I'm going next. Why are you trying to get your old lady? No, no, I'm just on my break.
1:16:33🔗
Adam
There's a pile of porn, but the thing is, is you have to keep a stiff upper lip because they're like, would you like to see some? And you're like, no, no, no, I got it. I got it. You know what it's like? It's like when you fall down and you trip in the supermarket and some guy's like, hey, you need some help? No, no, no, I'm good.
1:16:53🔗
Adam
You're like, you're so humiliated that you're going to get adrenaline is going to get you back on your feet.
1:17:03🔗
Adam
So I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. I don't need any porn. There's a weird little sofa there with like a sheet on it and stuff. Yeah. Well, thank God I've trained myself to go stand in up.
1:17:17🔗
Adam
I use my shirt. So here's the funny thing. So I thought, I thought, well, I thought, look, I told her I didn't want any porn, but I might as well take a quick look and see what they got in the cupboard, you know, as long as I'm here. And there's another aspect of it is, is I would like this brought into almost every professional setting, like the dentist office, the hairdresser, the optometrist. Would you like to see some porn? Thank you. Thank you. Yes, I would like to see some porn.
1:17:48🔗
Adam
If I was at the Jiffy Lube and I was waiting 20 minutes with the car, and the guys would be like, some porn, Mr. Corolla?
1:17:57🔗
Adam
So, I open the cupboard to see what porn selection they have. And they got everything. They got weird sort of soft core stuff, and they got some hard core stuff. But then I come across the movie Pretty Woman, and I think, wow, well, maybe the guy is a big Julia Roberts fan, or maybe you got some guy who is like a born again Christian, who is in here who doesn't want to look at pornography, but still needs to get going. Then I come across the movie Jerry Maguire, and now I'm messed up because I'm thinking, what the hell is going on with this Jerry Maguire? Why is it with the porn? Is somebody beating off the Jerry Maguire, or it's just, they just keep all the movies in here, and what else is going on that they need Jerry Maguire in here? And I don't like it mixed with my porn.
1:18:45🔗
Drew
Well, I understand, and I'm sure there probably are some, you know, homosexual men who come in, and you know, Cuba Gooding in those football uniforms, right? I just, or Richard Gere in the bathtub when she's like massaging his nipples. And he had that, and remember he had those weird, like he didn't really have hair on his chest, but he had the weird hairs around his nipples?
1:19:10🔗
Drew
Yeah, I was terrified as a kid that one day I'd have like weird little hairy nipples growing up.
1:19:19🔗
Adam
So I took care of my business minus the porn. And then afterward I opened it to take a second look. And then I felt like I was bitten by my own snake because I saw busty natural euro babes. And I was like, whoa, I could have used that. I could have used that. I should have just stole it.
1:19:39🔗
Drew
What does it take to steal porn from a fertility clinic? Who is that guy? Who is that guy?
1:19:49🔗
Adam
This is what you get for yapping it up in the nursing station while I'm trying to take care of business. Keep talking, honey. I'll be here all day.
1:19:57🔗
Adam
Yeah, I'm gonna come out in 45 minutes. Are you done? No, I need some Gatorade. You guys want to keep talking?
1:20:06🔗
Adam
Keep talking. All right, we'll take a little break. Eric Balfour is here tonight. Sex, Love, and Secrets, name of his show, Tuesday Nights, UPN, 9 o'clock. Drew out in Pittsburgh, PA, and we'll be right back after this.
1:20:35🔗
Adam
Yeah, Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew in Pittsburgh, PA tonight. What is it, three hours difference over there, Drew?
1:20:43🔗
Eric Balfour
Three hours later, yeah. It's been a long day. Hey, you're gonna come by our house before you go to the game on Saturday.
1:21:01🔗
Adam
I will pick you up before I go to the UCLA game, but here's the deal. Well, you, you may be walking home because we're going to watch the game. We're going to drink some beers. You might hook up with some coeds or something. You know what I mean? Party in the limo. All right, Drew, I'll pick you up. But you're in, buddy. You're in.
1:21:35🔗
Adam
Yes. Yes. That limo is going to be like a Cheech and Chong's van. You understand? You don't want the kids in there.
1:21:43🔗
Adam
Yes. Eric Balfour is here tonight. Sex of Love and Secrets is the name of his show. Tuesday nights, 9 p.m. UPN. All right. So where are we? Oh, we have the winner of the iPod Nano. That's Trent 22. And I'm guessing his last name isn't Burbank. But I bet he's from Burbank.
1:22:10🔗
Drew
There's fires in Chatsworth that are taking over the valley. And then another one came up in Burbank.
1:22:24🔗
Adam
Yeah. I saw your wife and your family in the pool with all your belongings. I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to ruin your night. I'm going to know you're a professional.
1:22:53🔗
Adam
It's not that windy, but it was well over 100 everywhere in the Southern California area. I mean, in the city, in the valley, it was over 100, and it's smoke everywhere.
1:23:07🔗
Eric Balfour
Well, you've been putting spells on Burbank for some time. Don't you feel bad now?
1:23:11🔗
Adam
Well, I just wanted them to stop riding chicken ass jaywalking tickets over there. I didn't want the entire city to burn down. But I think it's just the foothills and all that.
1:23:20🔗
Drew
Burbank's the only town you can get pulled over for not having mud flaps on your car. I speak from experience.
1:23:26🔗
Drew
I couldn't believe it. The guy wrote me a ticket for not having mud flaps on my truck.
1:23:30🔗
Adam
One day, I am going to assemble a huge group. They do this on like 2020 and 48 hours every once in a while. You find out the people that were victims of this guy, this pedophile, the serial rapist or whatever. But nobody knows that everyone was being victimized. One day, I will get together the victims of the Burbank PD. And there will not be people that were beaten by the Burbank PD or falsely accused of anything. It will be people that have gotten chicken ass tickets. There will be some guy and his voice. He's too ashamed to speak of it. So we've altered his voice and we put sunglasses on him. He's going to talk about the time he got a jaywalking ticket.
1:24:27🔗
Adam
That's the one I got most recently. I had a buddy who got a jaywalking ticket in Burbank on a side street. Crossing on a side street? I got a jaywalking ticket in Burbank crossing at a crosswalk on a light that was green that was going my way. The guy said it was flashing when I was walking across it.
1:24:52🔗
Drew
I mean, I mean, God, God bless that you and I can, you know, we flip them off and laugh. But there's there are people out there going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If I get this, I don't I don't feed my children tonight.
1:25:02🔗
Adam
Yes. Yes. Burbank. I am telling you, Burbank needs a huge bronze monument of a Burbank citizen just bent over spreading its cheeks and a traffic cop just cornholing the bejesus out of them. That should be right in front of the airport because that's what happens in Burbank. Or as I like to call it, Rape Bank. I've changed the name of it. No mud flaps. That's awesome. That's a nice twist because I've heard all the chicken SJ walking ones and I've heard the illegal tint ones and I've heard the no front license plate ones but the mud flap one.
1:25:46🔗
Drew
I was 16 years old and I was driving a Ford Bronco II that had like, you know, it had like a four or five inch lift on it.
1:26:04🔗
Adam
We've all lost somebody to Jay walking on a side street or getting hit by some mud off a 16 year old Bronco.
1:26:10🔗
Drew
Drew's dead. He was killed by flying mud from a Bronco II. What happened? Wait, the mud killed him? No, no, no, no, no. It was an accident? No, no, no. This mud tracked Drew down and sawed him out. The mud killed Drew. The mud murdered Drew.
1:26:29🔗
Adam
Ashley. I know when I got to go to the Burbank airport, I drive through Hollywood and then when I hit Burbank, I get out of my car and I push it the last couple of miles. Now I've actually worked out a harness where I can drag the car. It's better. It's like one of the strongman competitions. I'm in front of the car.
1:26:46🔗
Drew
Make sure you put your hazards on. They'll take you to for that. Now you can't push a vehicle without your hazards on, sir. Ashley?
1:26:59🔗
Caller
I was in a car accident in June. And the guys hit me and I was pretty injured and sore for a couple of weeks. And I had a good sex drive before then. But afterwards, it's kind of like my boyfriend has to push me for it now.
1:27:30🔗
Adam
We'll do the now math, by the way, on the date. But we do need when the accident did happen. So what happened with the accident?
1:27:39🔗
Caller
We were turning onto the freeway and a group of sixteen-year-olds hit my car and told it.
1:27:52🔗
Caller
He got a concussion and was in the hospital for a day. And I was wearing my seatbelt and only got a couple of bruising. But I, I...
1:28:02🔗
Eric Balfour
Why was this so, well, this sounds like it was kind of traumatic for you. What happened? I mean, what, what did, this sounds...
1:28:21🔗
Eric Balfour
Well, here's the deal. Relatively minor trauma can trigger a reaction, really bring on the post-traumatic stress disorder. If you already have sort of PTSD features, really relatively minor things can have a profound effect.
1:28:38🔗
Eric Balfour
This just re-stimulated something. Panic attack, sleep disturbances, nightmares, mood disturbance, and lack of sex drive would be very consistent with all that.
1:28:50🔗
Caller
I was made fun of in elementary school, and we had a lawsuit over it when I was like eight years old.
1:29:00🔗
Caller
About my weight when I was little. I'm fine now with my weight and everything, but...
1:29:23🔗
Adam
She's calling from San Francisco where that kind of stuff probably goes on regularly. Imagine how much we would have been sued when we were in junior high. So, you were heavy, a kid made fun of you, and there's a lawsuit against the school or against the kid, or...
1:29:38🔗
Caller
Against the school, yeah. Like, I was beat up by the boys and made fun of by the girls, and it was like this whole big issue.
1:29:50🔗
Caller
It got worse than that, but I don't want to get into too much detail because I'm trying to say anonymous here, but...
1:30:14🔗
Adam
Hold on, I got a plan. I am going to fatten my kid up, send him to school in San Francisco, have a couple bullies kick him around, sue, and then not worry about saving for college.
1:30:28🔗
Adam
It's a chunk? Wow, Ashley, this is my plan. That's incredible. But now you're not overweight.
1:31:00🔗
Caller
One owns a business and I don't want my friends to know I'm calling so if they hear this they'll know but my dad has a good job.
1:31:30🔗
Eric Balfour
Well, in any event, something has happened as a result of this car accident. Maybe go back to the psychology you were seeing way back when.
1:31:36🔗
Adam
Yeah. Because here's the thing with this post-traumatic stress stuff is it becomes like an old injury where you have something that never quite healed right and then you get into a car accident and all of a sudden it didn't look like too bad an accident but because your back was so bad from this horrible motorcycle accident you had 10 years earlier, you're jacked up. This is this it's this version of that emotionally. Right. Wow.
1:32:13🔗
Adam
Yeah. Well, we're out of time. But here's the deal. You're not damaged goods. You can be in relationships. Yeah, I don't, you know.
1:32:26🔗
Adam
All right, Kira. All right, baby. But don't take it personally. I don't want you to slide into that shame spiral.
1:33:06🔗
Adam
Yeah, I want to thank Eric Belfer for coming out here tonight. Sex, Love, and Secrets, name of the show. Tuesday nights, nine o'clock, UPN, and you can watch.
1:33:21🔗
Eric Balfour
And we'll see you at the Rose Bowl. I'll see you Saturday morning. We'll see you at the Rose Bowl Saturday.
1:33:30🔗
Adam
Work it out, buddy. All right, I want to thank, oh, man, junior producer Lauren and producer Anne and Lauren and I mean, Michelle and Anderson and Patricia and Curtis and Vic and Nick and Mark and Tykin.
1:33:48🔗
Adam
Cubby and Nicole. So until next time, Sam Crawford, Dr. Drew saying mahalo. All right, you're all picky up, but you're in, buddy. You're in.
1:34:03🔗
Caller
This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.