0:57🔗
Voiceover
Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised.
1:20🔗
Adam
Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, but it's actually better than Loveline. It's the best of Loveline.
1:28🔗
Adam
Let me ask you this. Seriously, people think these best of shows are cop-out, but seriously, what would you rather do? See a crappy movie you've never seen before, which would be Loveline on a regular night, or see a movie you loved for a second time?
1:43🔗
Drew
Listen, with this, there's even a chance that you didn't see it, but heard it was great. Now's your chance.
1:52🔗
Adam
We were talking right before we went to break about profiling and how that's turned into a bad thing. I happen to like profiling. I like all forms of profiling.
2:04🔗
That's what science is. That's what science is. It's noticing certain phenomena are connected with other phenomena. I mean, that's science.
2:12🔗
Drew
And your brain makes patterns out of them, and you recognize the patterns when you see them.
2:15🔗
Absolutely.
2:16🔗
Adam
And it's all really, as an organism, it's one of our oldest instincts, you know what I mean? It's the profiling between the dog that's wagging its tail and looking friendly, and the dog that looks a little dicey and looks like it might take a piece out of your calf, you know what I mean? That's all you do. Now, does that mean this? Like, it's like, look, you see, first off, you know, there's this whole thing like, profiling has turned into sort of a bad word. I want people to profile. The FBI, they have profilers. When a kid gets abducted, they bring in the profiler. They all just don't start running in different directions. Random. Yeah, randomly. Well, it could be, it could be an Asian woman in her 80s. It could be an American Indian man. Could be an infant. Could be another infant that abducted the infant. No, they know it's a white guy. In the neighborhood. And they know he's in the neighborhood. And they know he had some relationship with the child. And they know he's between 34 and 46 years of age. And he has a family and he has a stable job and blah, blah, blah. They know all these things and that's where they begin looking. And the reason they look there is because 90 percent of the time it's true.
3:29🔗
Well, that's why we had 9-11 was because people were opposed to profile.
3:33🔗
Adam
Yes, and now the posties over at the ACLU are like suing Logan Airport because there's profile. And here's the part, here's all I want. I'm just tired of, there's always going to be the ACLU posties complaining about everything, wanting to get the cross off the crest, wanting to do all, you know, they don't want death row inmates to submit DNA samples. They're just, they're just lefty posties that are angry at their gay parents. I understand that. But here's the thing. Let's not cave in to the retarded pussy pressure. When they say, we're accusing you, airport security members of profiling, oh no, we weren't profiling, yeah we weren't profiling you. Shut up. Plus, keep your gay ass from blowing up next time it's on the plane, all right? So shut your pie hole and get back to hating your stepdad and we'll ask you to be in the basement. Would you? Let's take that rage and go ahead, you, yeah, why don't you hang out with your PETA buddies and take that rage as meant for your parents and just steer it at your parents and stop steering it at society. Let us do our job. You do your job, you go functue apartments in west LA, we'll take care of the terrorists. Okay, you wusses? Please.
4:47🔗
Caller
Well you know what they say, have you seen the little piggies, it's all political piggies, I mean it has to do with who has political power in the society, if people are courting the Arab American vote, they don't want to do profiling, if they're courting the African American vote, they don't want to do profiling, but profiling has real value, I mean it's, I think it's very, very silly not to use profiling, and it's not aimed at insulting any group, it's just aimed at preventing crime.
5:12🔗
Adam
Yeah, and by the way, you know, when it comes to, as the aforementioned child abduction, they don't go looking for Arab guys, they go looking for white guys in a certain age range. We earn that right to be profiled, unfortunately, by having almost exclusively white guys in this age range doing the abductions. That's all it is. You go ahead and do the lion's share of whatever kind of crime you're doing, and you get to the top of that crime's profile list. That's the way it works.
5:47🔗
Caller
Can I point out something about profiling and ethnicity? This is kind of interesting. At least I think it might not be. I was host of one of the inaugural balls. There were eight inaugural balls, and I was host to one of them.
6:01🔗
Caller
Well, if I'm host next time when Jeb Bush wins, or Mr. Giuliani wins, I will invite you.
6:18🔗
Caller
Yeah. What's his name? Sirvix or something like that? Kurt, Kurt, Kurchik or something. Right. I forget his name. Anyway, I went to this ball. Very, very lavish thing. Lots and lots of very, very rich people. People so rich that they make Adam and you look poor.
6:40🔗
Caller
These are billionaires. I mean, we were sitting in a part of the room where it's all billionaires.
6:47🔗
Caller
I was, all right, all right. So at this party, we notice almost no African Americans. Okay, that's fine. If you have to pay tickets, people are allowed to come. Nobody's discriminating against. We go to the party after that, that was called the Red, White and Blue Heroes Ball, which is all servicemen wounded and maimed in Iraq and Afghanistan. There there are a lot of African Americans, a lot of African Americans who fought and lost their legs or lost their eyesight or lost their ability to move. That's the only party I went to at the inauguration that had a lot of African Americans and that sort of broke my heart.
7:32🔗
Caller
No, it would be just nicer if there was some. What I find amazing is that black guys, especially ones who are like now in their 70s or 80s, went off to fight in World War II or Korea or Vietnam, when when they came back, they were very badly mistreated. I spend some Saturdays and Sundays over at the VA Hospital in Westwood.
7:54🔗
Caller
Yes. I go over there and I bring them presents and treats, and I bring pretty girls to meet them and so forth. And there are a lot of black guys there in that Veterans Hospital who came from small towns in Alabama or Georgia or Mississippi and fought in the Army and were wounded in the Army and still are carrying those wounds. And I think to myself, they left the segregated society and went off and fought for this country and lost their lives, lost their mobility, and it's pretty goddamn impressive. It really, really is. I mean, you really tear up when you see them. Yeah.
8:41🔗
Caller
You're 40. Okay. Pretty, pretty close. The, the, the, uh, when I was a child growing up in Washington, DC., not Mississippi, not Alabama, Washington, DC.
8:51🔗
Caller
Capital of the nation, as I like to say. In the Washington Post, big liberal newspaper, classified ads used to say, help wanted colored, help wanted white. Apartments colored, apartments white. Uh, residential neighborhoods, real estate for sale, colored real estate for sale white. That, they would say, they would say in the ads, if a house, if a neighborhood was restricted against Jews, it would say, convenient to churches. That meant Jews don't bother even looking at the house, you can't buy it. That was in Washington, DC when I was growing up. I'm not that old. It wasn't that long ago. I went to high school, to an elementary school and part of my time in junior high school, racially segregated by law. The society has changed completely. Completely. It's a miracle how it's changed.
9:39🔗
Caller
It was fairly tough. I mean, I lived in a fairly affluent neighborhood and so that part wasn't bad. But there were kids who would call me an effing Jew and we would have fights. And you know something interesting? Something you and it makes me think of you and Jimmy. This was in junior high in particular and I started lifting weights and got very, very strong and they stopped picking on me. I was about the strongest white guy in the class by ninth grade. Really? And they stopped picking on me. A very, very good lesson. But when I was in like eighth grade, I had a project for one of my classes, pick an occupation and write about why you'd like to be in that occupation. So my father was a super smart guy. I said to him, I think I'd like to work in advertising. Could you help me write a little paper about what it's like in Madison Avenue? He said, well, you're not going to work in advertising. The big agencies don't take Jews. Wow. Okay. So that was 1958. Now they're largely Jewish, largely Italian. I said, all right, well, then I said, I love cars. Maybe I could work at General Motors or Ford. My father was friends with the chairman of General Motors. I said, maybe I can work at General Motors. No, General Motors doesn't take Jews. Well, that was not that long ago. I said, all right, how about, I said, I like banks because it's real clean and neat and it's not dirty. There you go. No, no Jews in the banks. Commercial banks didn't take Jews. Wow. Some investment banks, commercial banks didn't take Jews. Okay, that's totally changed. It's all open to everyone now. It's a miracle now.
11:17🔗
Adam
Yeah, that's my point. And I know, look, things still exist, some obstacles. I'll tell you the biggest obstacle, really though, whatever color your skin is or whatever your religion is, being ugly, bigger obstacle than anything, being fat, bigger obstacle, and being poor.
11:41🔗
Adam
Yes, and just being, and they've done plenty of tests with this, just being flat out unattractive. I mean, I've said this many times. My friends, single ones, that is, and Ben, would date just about any ethnicity as long as it was a beautiful woman. Who they would not date is a fat chick. So you got a fat white chick versus a beautiful Nubian princess. They're going right after the black chick. They're going after the Asian chick. They're going after the Hispanic chick. They're going, whoever, just not the fat white chick.
12:14🔗
Caller
But let's now get down to it. Isn't that a form of profiling? Because is it not true that A, it's just basically unattractive to see somebody who's really grossly obese, but two, that there's something very often wrong with people in the head who are grossly obese. It's not just that they're grossly obese and that's not particularly attractive, but they don't tend to be quite right in the head. Right.
12:37🔗
Drew
Well, there is people that are trauma survivors sometimes literally push people away by filling a large space and keeping people at a distance.
12:50🔗
Drew
And there are genetic, there are genetic heritages. I mean, really what men are attracted to is health. That's symmetry and the skin coloration and hair. That's all about being attracted to those, collecting those genes. And so somebody who may have a genetic problem with weight would be less attractive to many men.
13:08🔗
Caller
Well, the symmetry part, I think, is amazing. I mean, if you see a woman who has regular, perfect symmetrical features, it is such an incredible turn on. I mean, I offer, because you showed me the picture of your wife before we went on the air. I've seen Adam's incredibly beautiful wife a number of times. My wife has perfectly symmetrical features. I mean, men love women with symmetrical features. There has to be something primal in the human brain saying they're going to give us better children.
13:49🔗
Caller
But apparently we still have large problems with housing discrimination according to our PSA that we play right now.
13:55🔗
Adam
Oh, yeah. This is our favorite PSA. Ben, you didn't think the housing discrimination still went on that goes on out there, but listen to this public service announcement they play on this show regularly. Play it, Anderson.
14:10🔗
Hello, may I help you?
14:11🔗
Best Of
Hello, can I ask you a few questions about the apartment you have on Park Street? What was your name?
14:15🔗
My name is Juan Hernandez.
14:17🔗
Oh, it's gone?
14:28🔗
May I help you?
14:29🔗
Best Of
Hi, my name is Tyrone Washington. I'm calling about the place to rent on Park Street.
14:34🔗
No longer available.
14:39🔗
Hello?
14:39🔗
Best Of
Yes, hello. My name is Graham Wellington. I'm calling about the apartment on Park Street.
14:44🔗
Is that still available?
14:51🔗
Adam
Yeah, it's illegal. Anyone who lives in Los Angeles knows Mexicans can't get a apartment.
14:57🔗
Caller
That's hilarious. I live in one of the, well, I mean, I'm sure it's very modest compared to your house, but I live in one of the very nicest parts of Beverly Hills. There's every kind of ethnicity imaginable in my neighborhood.
15:10🔗
Adam
Imagine a Mexican or black guy or an Indian trying to live an apartment here in Los Angeles.
15:14🔗
Impossible.
15:24🔗
Caller
I have a house out in Malibu. I mean, it's like a rainbow out there on my street. It's every every kind of color you can imagine.
15:30🔗
Drew
The point is that they're trying to rent a space. They're going to rent it to anybody as long as they're not going to destroy it. That's a luck.
15:36🔗
Adam
Here's the bottom line. There's a lot of people get a lot of mileage out of basically cultivating this racism thing, which exists, but not to the point that they'd like to make it seem.
15:50🔗
Adam
It's a business for them. Then they go ahead, I believe, and run this kind of crap, which just pisses off all the people that are depicted in it and makes them falsely think that we're living in a more racist environment than we actually are.
16:05🔗
Caller
I love your saying that because this was my main gripe against Al Gore in 2000, is when he was running, he was whipping up minorities and telling them they were being discriminated against. And when people would say to him, well, give us some concrete specific examples, he would say, oh, it's just in the air. It's so deeply ingrained. You don't need examples. It's just all over. It's in it's in the psyche of the white man. And if you can't see it and can't smell it and touch it, it's not there. It's just not happening. And compare whatever is there compared to what was there a generation or two generations ago is nil.
16:40🔗
Adam
And furthermore, hold on, you know, when Kerry gave his concession speech, he did that BS. But don't worry. By the way, I always like this part where you make your concession speech, you just got whooped and your speeches. Don't worry. I'm still on the job. It's like, look, buddy, you lost the game's over. How about hitting the showers and getting out of our face because we're tired of looking at your pie hole. And it's like, don't worry, I'm still on the job. What job, by the way, don't have it. You're out. Senator. Senator. But the point is, it's like as if he's running the country. And he's like, anywhere, there's a farmer that needs help anywhere. And then he does this whole thing. There's a mother who can't get welfare for anywhere. There's a person of color that wonders why they're being treated differently. It's like, really? You got to shake that whole racist snow globe up again, you old F. There's it's not going on. Yeah, it exists. It exists again, again, fat people, poor people, ugly people, short people. There's a form of sort of ism for just about everything. Let's face it, but go out, work hard, make some money, don't screw over anyone, and you'll be fine in the society we have built, by the way. Why do we have to keep whipping that horse?
17:53🔗
Caller
Because there's votes in it, and there's votes in stimulating people's paranoia. There are a lot of people who cannot take responsibility for their own failures in life and would like to blame somebody else for it or blame racism for it. I mean, you know, I am the father of a very, very sweet teenage child, and I hear him and his teenage friends talking all the time. It's very easy for them to place blame for things on their parents, place blame for things on the schools. It's not easy for them to accept blame for themselves. That is a, that's a teenager, and that's fine. I mean, he's a wonderful kid, and I love him. But for an adult, the age of Carrie to be doing that is ridiculous.
18:30🔗
Drew
The other thing I think, the generations coming up, your kids, your child's age, and my kid's age.
18:36🔗
Drew
They're 12, 13, yeah. But the idea of race, it's almost going away for them. They, well, no, seriously, no, no, no, listen.
18:45🔗
Drew
But listen, they describe, they don't say this is a that kind of person. They say, well, his skin's, he got kind of brown skin, and he's got kind of curly hair, no, no, Ben.
19:01🔗
Caller
Yeah, let them spend a weekend with Tommy Stein and his friends because they really, they notice people's ethnicity very, very easily.
19:08🔗
Adam
I do flashcards. I do flashcards with my nephews. That too. I'll give them a quick Mexican flash, black guy. I'll just keep flashing.
19:15🔗
Caller
But Tommy doesn't discriminate against them. I mean, he has friends of every ethnicity, but believe me, he notices their ethnicity. He especially notices people from Middle Eastern ethnicity and has very strong feelings about them. Profiling.
19:34🔗
Adam
Well, there you go. Let me just say one more thing before we get off this topic or whatever calls we might take tonight. The whole part where we have to sort of pay the price or make amends for what our forefathers did in terms of plantations and slaves and whatever. Japanese internment camps and all this kind of stuff. By the way, rounding up the Japanese, putting them somewhere for a couple of years and then letting them go. Not a great thing. Go on the Baton Death March. See which one you'd rather do.
20:07🔗
Adam
Yeah, there's another good one. The point is, I have two nephews, both born German. I mean, they're fathers from Germany. Should they be held responsible for what went on in World War II?
20:30🔗
Adam
My wife, both her parents were born in Italy. My family, one or two generations back, were born in Italy. We weren't here. We had no plantations, we had no slaves, we had no land. For Christ's sake, my dad doesn't even have any land. I'm the first guy who has any goddamned land in the Corolla family.
20:49🔗
Adam
Yes, and my wife's parents are from Italy. They're born in Italy. You know, our kid will not have much history on this soil. Just like my nephews. They're German, their fathers are from Germany. Should I blame them for what they did to the Jews?
21:04🔗
Adam
Yeah, I know. Let's just look. We weren't here. Most everyone, look around. Look around Los Angeles. These people weren't here. You know what I mean?
21:13🔗
Caller
They could be. But even if their ancestors were there, I mean, it's really just not, there's no sense in blaming a great-great-grandchild or great-great-granddaughter for something done by her ancestors, especially if it was perfectly legal at the time. I mean, slavery was a moral horror show, a horror show, but it was legal. So. Yeah.
21:35🔗
Adam
Now look, there's no sense in doing it, but I'm just saying good luck finding, go ask around, see if you can find one of your buddies who's great, great, great, whoever, raised tobacco in Kentucky. It's going to have.
21:48🔗
Adam
I can't do it all. Drew's family are all Pollocks. What's, you don't even know where they were.
21:55🔗
Adam
All right. Well, they're good. She should take, she should, she should take a good racial beating then. Leave me alone. Gabby?
22:04🔗
Yeah.
22:08🔗
Caller
I was, actually I have two questions. One was, I was wondering how Ben Stine got started on the whole acting thing from speech writing. And also, I'll get to the other one later.
22:21🔗
Caller
Okay. The first answer is, I came out here. I was a screenwriter and a novelist and a producer for a while. And I met a very wonderful man named Michael Chinich, who was a high executive in the casting world. He was a deputy head of production for Universal. He was my friend. He thought I was funny. He put me in a movie called The Wildlife, which was a sequel to Fast Times Ridgemont High. I had a small part, nobody noticed it. Then they put, then he went to work for John Hughes and John Hughes and he put me in Ferris Bueller. I ad-libbed those scenes in Ferris Bueller. They were a huge hit and a very successful movie. And I worked consistently after that.
23:05🔗
Caller
They wanted me to play a teacher. John, you said, I know you're a teacher at Pepperdine in real life. And would you just teach a class about something that's interesting to you? And he was smart enough to know that even it was my monotone voice, that even if I, it was interesting to me, it would come out sounding boring. So that I taught, did that little speech about the supply side economics and voodoo economics. And I, and when they, when the cast and crew applauded, when I was done, I thought, oh, cause they're so happy to have learned something about economics. And when my father saw it, he was a famous economist, he said, oh my God, you really explained that well. That must be why people like the scene. But anyway, so then I worked on The Wonder Years for three years and then we had the game show and then I concurrently had the talk show and then Star Search. And now I hardly do any acting, but I do a huge amount of public speaking and I love doing it.
23:59🔗
Adam
Yeah, but she couldn't come up with it. Gabby, did you come up with your second question? Ironic if someone named Gabby couldn't come up with their second question.
24:06🔗
Caller
Go ahead. It was actually for you. Back in the day when you would come on as a guest speaker, as Mr. Burcham on Kevin and Bean, you came on one day and you were talking about like all the world religions and you decided to come up with your own called Burchamism.
24:37🔗
Caller
And I just wanted to mention to Ben Stine that Ferris Bueller's Day Off is my favorite movie of all time, so you rule. You are a god in my mind.
24:52🔗
Drew
Oh, God, I drove through that today. Oh, Adam, I felt so bad for you. Yeah, well, all the Dell Lancashire from Sunland should sue my parents.
25:00🔗
Adam
All right, we need to take a break, Gabby. The great Ben Stein, the inspirational Ben Stein in studio tonight. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.
25:22🔗
Adam
Yeah, it is the best of Loveline. I'm Adam. That is Dr. Drew. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, no, I actually like these guys. I thought there were somebody else, but I got it now.
25:36🔗
Adam
Lost is one of the biggest shows on television. Great looking show too, but a fantastic show. Maggie Grace is the smoking hot blonde who's plays the sister.
25:49🔗
Adam
Of Ian Summerholder who's on the show and they're both on tonight. And I wonder if something's going on between these two.
25:57🔗
Adam
A little taboo love going on with these two. So everyone enjoy from Lost Ian Summerholder and Maggie Grace. Yeah, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. Well, that would be Dr. Drew, but he's helping out a listener. Ian Summerholder here tonight, Maggie Grace, both from Lost, Wednesday Nights, ABC. 8 p.m. Best new show on television. And no signs of slowing down. I don't know how far in advance you guys know. Do you what? I know you couldn't talk about it if you did know. But how much do they tell you about plot and not so much? That sort of thing.
26:39🔗
We have enough to go on, but not not so much that would overburden our performances in anyway.
26:43🔗
Adam
Do you have some local playa with booze and have you spill it all over the place? You know what I'm saying? I mean, if you knew, you could talk, right?
26:55🔗
Caller
They know that we're actors and by virtue of that, we would be compelled to tell people like you.
27:02🔗
Well, they tell me things, just not Ian.
27:05🔗
I mean, they're smart guys.
27:06🔗
Caller
You know what's really kind of interesting? I remember on the pilot and they do this sometimes as well. If Maggie needed to know, say A and B, but I didn't, but I needed to know K and F. They would tell us this, these two separate things.
27:18🔗
Really? I knew things about his character that he didn't know.
27:23🔗
But I actually figured them all out on my own.
27:26🔗
Adam
But is... I'm pretty sure of it. Do you think they know? How far in advance do you think the writer producers know?
27:33🔗
When they wrote the pilot, they had it brainstormed through, I think, season six.
27:37🔗
Obviously, just broad kind of story arcs.
27:45🔗
Adam
Right. Yeah. Obviously, they don't know every nuance, every twist, every turn. But in terms of the broad strokes and the big picture, they know. Sometimes I wonder, with a lot of shows, if they don't know what... Like, everyone's sitting around going, I wonder what's on the island. I wonder what it is. I wonder what's going on. And I sometimes think, well, maybe they don't know yet.
28:04🔗
Caller
Well, you know, we definitely don't know that much. And we're only a couple... We're about four episodes ahead of what's airing. Which is, I guess, a significant amount, but you want more. For every resolve, there are five more questions, and that sort of makes it crazy.
28:19🔗
Adam
So how many more do you have to do before... Are you still in season one? Because I'm getting the seasons broken up now.
28:28🔗
Beginning of April.
28:33🔗
Big two-hour finale.
28:38🔗
Adam
Take care of business? Let me smell your finger. That's disgusting, Drew. I can't believe you would hold it out to me. Come on, let's try to help the kids. Lily?
28:48🔗
Yeah?
28:51🔗
First, I'd like to say, Adam Corolla, Dr. Drew, I love you guys. You guys are like superheroes. Thank you.
29:09🔗
Adam
Oh, yeah. I haven't figured any of this stuff out yet. Drew, don't confuse everyone. Lily?
29:14🔗
Yeah?
29:17🔗
Okay. Well, I'm 17. I'm not a lesbian or anything, but for some reason, I'm like attracted to gay guys and like cross dressers. Because I live out in the Bay Area, and there's like tons of them, right?
29:29🔗
True place. For some reason, like their personalities, everything about them, like I'm attracted to them. I don't know. For some reason, I'm attracted to them, and it's really confusing.
29:39🔗
Drew
Gay males? Yeah. Well, gay males are a superior version of the male, would you say, generally? Yeah.
29:45🔗
Adam
The only part they're missing is the part where they're attracted to your genitalia. They vomit if they see you naked, but other than that, it's great. Good listeners into what you're into, lots of recycling. Those people recycle, you know? What utopia we would be living in if everyone was gay? No street crime, nothing but recycling, manicured lawns. You ever see that gay? You see the stretch of Boys Town on Santa Monica Boulevard there?
30:11🔗
That's so nice. It's beautiful.
30:12🔗
Adam
They're this close to carpeting the place. It's like, there's nothing. I swear to God, you throw a piece of gum on the ground, you're tackled by the gay patrol. Drew, you ever been tackled by the gay patrol? No, it's not good.
30:24🔗
I'm parking tickets.
30:26🔗
Adam
Here's what basically happened is Santa Monica runs from like East LA to the ocean, essentially, and there's one nice strip of it, and that's the gay park. There's three blocks of just pristine, I mean, the thing looks like some sort of five star resort. They're going to open like a driving range and a golf course.
30:46🔗
Caller
And what's so excruciating painful is that all the guys are as beautiful as the landscape.
30:51🔗
I mean, they're all beautiful.
30:52🔗
Adam
All they do is exfoliate. That's all they do. Gay guys shine. They shine. They just, they loofah, they scrub themselves down the bone.
31:07🔗
Caller
I do live in Los Angeles, and yes, I mean a lot of very attractive. Sorry, correction.
31:11🔗
Adam
Yeah, now you're in Hawaii. But when you are back home in Los Angeles, you see that beautiful man, shaved, tanned, six-pack abs.
31:20🔗
Caller
The grooming is stunning. And also, you know, you might find they're sometimes more sensitive to your needs.
31:25🔗
Well-read.
31:28🔗
Caller
But occasionally, you run into a guy you may think has every appearance of being gay and isn't, in fact, straight.
31:39🔗
Adam
Yeah, but then he turns out to be gay. And then it gets weird because he had sex with him. And it's like, oh, my God. You see what I'm saying?
31:48🔗
Adam
All right. Maybe this is happening. But this is an interesting point, which is as guys, we like lesbians, lipstick lesbians, but they don't really exist just in porn where they get two straight chicks, get them high and tell them to go at each other for 500 bucks. They're not truly lesbians. They're true lesbians. They're the chicks who work at the feed store, they work at the kennel, they work around animals.
32:11🔗
Adam
Yeah. Well, they're angry. They don't like you, but they're butch and they're stocky and they got that buzz cut and they're into black powder rifles and stuff like that and you don't need them. So it's not torture because you go, well, look at the hefty chick in the dungarees wearing the burlap shirt with the butch cut and no makeup. I don't need, I don't need any of that. That's not a waste, but you women, you see the guy who's 6'2, looking like Lucky Vanos, the scrub, winking, winking, with his cheeks are winking at you and he's recycling with his shirt off and you're like, no, I don't like recycling. Oh my God, this guy's, oh, he's got a puppy. Look at the puppy. They do, you know what they do? They're effing with women. Think about a guy, here's all I do. All I do is sit ups and walk a puppy down a pristine street. That's it with my shirt off and exfoliate. And I like read Oscar Wilde. I want nothing to do with you, honey. Think about it.
33:13🔗
Adam
All right. And you got time and you're crying and you want you want a little two seater and a smart cocktail. You know, you're taking a me day every couple of days, just going to the beach and reading some more. Right.
33:38🔗
Adam
And then here's the real tantalizing part. You're super hot. There's all these slobs that are going after you all the time. And this guy wants nothing to do with you. It's like he finds you grotesque.
33:50🔗
Not interesting.
33:58🔗
Adam
They don't say anything. But if you ever touch them in a sexual way, they would just project self on it.
34:26🔗
Drew
Yeah, that's what I'm saying again. Lily? Lily, here's the only thing I've noticed on the side what we've been discussing, which is that gay men can be just very...
34:36🔗
Drew
All right, hold on. Listen, Lily, aside from the fact that gay men are just appealing in many, many ways, the one thing that I have noticed, the only pattern I have seen with women that hang around with people that are transsexual or gay, and this may or may not be you, it's not been a strong pattern I've seen, but occasionally they are raised with the idea that they should have been the other sex. The dad's always going, I wish you had been a little boy, I wish you had been a little boy.
35:16🔗
Caller
No, it's just my mom was like, my mom's attracted to like gay people too and like transgender and stuff. Alright, alright.
35:37🔗
Caller
My dad, he left, or my mom left him when I was a baby. Why? I guess because my mom was, or my dad was abusive towards my mom.
35:46🔗
Adam
Anything that ends up in Mexico is always bad. Canada is a push. South of France means he started his own successful winery or something. That's alright, but if it ends in Mexico, that's a bad sign. Don't delve, Drew. Got it. Lily? Yeah? Here's what it means to me. It means you can't handle intimacy because any guy you're interested in doesn't really have the mathematical chance of being interested in you that way. It's a way of saving yourself. Your dad left, your dad broke your heart, your dad was a horrible guy. You're scared to get close and intimate with a guy, so you just go after guys that are either gay or they're other, you know, you're the close cousin of the one who goes after guys that are in prison. You can't handle an intimate relationship.
36:33🔗
Adam
Yeah. And they're guys who just date strippers. It's sort of the same thing, although their logic I understand. Lily?
36:47🔗
Drew
No, by the way, you may look into it, she may be just one relationship away from this going away.
36:59🔗
Drew
Just being open to the possibility of a relationship, that's all you gotta be. You gotta be willing to be close to somebody who's not unable to be close to you.
37:08🔗
Adam
And don't stand around with your arms folded. It means you're not available. In gay bars. In gay bars, yeah. Don't do that. Just go places where there's straight guys who like you and try not to be angry.
37:29🔗
Adam
Yeah. It's good on you. It's not good on Lily. Lily, get some regular nail polish. You're wearing black stuff or is there like a...
38:03🔗
Adam
I did say that I would and I agreed when my wife agreed with this, that if you were a virgin until you're 18, I could turn you out. Are you a virgin, Lily?
38:46🔗
Adam
You're Madison. Well, I like to take the edge off. So, you know, obviously I've been traveling.
39:07🔗
Drew
And how parents always talk, just reminded me how they talk about, well, we're gonna teach our kids how to drink responsibly. I think like, is there any of your illegal acts you want to teach your kids how to do responsibly?
39:16🔗
Drew
It's illegal. It's illegal. Wherever they do it, it's illegal. Okay, some other illegal acts we'd like to, you want to give them some responsible illegal measures. Speeding, pot, anything else?
39:25🔗
Adam
Yeah, they're cooking up a H. You don't want to get air in the syringe or anything, call it an embolism, right?
39:32🔗
Adam
Yeah, hit it with the gauze. All right, let's take ourselves a little break. Drew, don't freak your kids out, by the way. You're gonna give them an eating disorder. You know what I mean?
39:41🔗
What?
39:42🔗
Adam
The booze and the studying and everything. So let them be kids, you know what I mean? They're gonna have like a Mickey's Big Mouth at the park when they're 15 or 16. Come on, let them be kids.
39:54🔗
Drew
I'm so intense already, they pick up on that. I'm busy telling them to calm down. Oh, you are?
39:59🔗
Adam
Yeah, but you're gonna freak on them. What if you find a roach? What if you find a joint roach in like one of the map sacks at 15, 16?
40:17🔗
Drew
I get assistance. But then I think to myself, huh, what if that's the right thing to do or just start setting limits and boundaries everywhere, and help.
40:23🔗
Adam
Do you think it would freak them out if you got help? Why don't you help them? That's what you do.
40:43🔗
Adam
We don't talk. No, it would be weird. It's weird. I agree. But on the other hand, it's weird having some fat bald guy come in with a ponytail and start talking big calves and sandals, start talking about sobriety. Don't hire that low-hard sober guy. December 26, 1971, took my first sip of single malt scotch. I didn't care what it took at that point, beautiful family, loving kids.
41:09🔗
Adam
It all went up my nose. There's nothing more important to me than the truck. April 15, 1984, that's when the house caught on fire. Fell asleep with a tiparilla.
41:23🔗
Adam
Two years. But you know what? Tomorrow, tonight, later on tonight, I could go off at any time. I like that one. He's like, I've been sober for 126 years, but tomorrow, no guarantees. I got a pretty good feeling. You can't lift your arm anymore. I don't think you're going to be drinking.
41:51🔗
Drew
The blowhard narcissist convincing everyone of their sobriety. Not usually that sober. I can promise you this.
41:59🔗
Drew
All that massaging their sobriety may help keep them sober, but that's not true sobriety.
42:03🔗
Adam
I like when they do this one. It'd be easy for me to come up here and lie to you, but I'm not going to do it. Really? Could you please lie or just leave? Or how about you lie and leave? Leave and lie. All the way out to the parking lot. Just telling fables. Please go. You know the guy I like? I was thinking about today? The blowhard traffic school instructor. When you get in a car accident, there's two collisions. First one is car with the other car. The second collision. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's your head hitting the street.
42:33🔗
Yeah, yeah.
42:34🔗
Got it.
42:35🔗
Adam
You know the person that said the same goddamn story a million times? You just want to stop them in the middle and just do it. You want to hit them with a dart-dipping curare in their neck and just have them fall over. Yeah.
42:49🔗
Adam
People, you could drive without seat belts and you might make it to the store tomorrow, but I promise you that it will fall over. Ian Summerholder is here tonight along with Maggie Grace from Lost 8PM ABC, Wednesday Nights. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.
43:09🔗
Hello, this is your radio.
43:12🔗
Loveline will be ready.
43:32🔗
Adam
Hey, hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, fun number 1-800-W-N-N. All right, now, when we left off, we were going to speak with Theo. Now, Mira called up, wanted to know about taking the birth control. Drew's been on the internet.
43:47🔗
Adam
So, Mira's going to stand hold. We'll talk to Theo, who is the author and artist behind the fabulous-
43:58🔗
Adam
Well, you wrote the words down. Germany or Florida theme. Sing it live for us. I really do enjoy the original theme.
44:07🔗
Best Of
Things are sick and twisted from too much sun and Nazis. Sex, meth and death fetishes.
44:25🔗
Caller
I was like, oh, they must have really gotten tired of it at this point, so I have to come up with another one.
44:31🔗
Adam
La-dee-dah. Temporamental artist. All right, Theo, well, let's hear the new one. We'll see.
44:39🔗
Drew
Now we know we can bait Theo for new material. Whatever we just withhold his songs for a couple days, he'll show up with some new stuff.
44:45🔗
Best Of
You know, y'all can take my number whenever you're having a lull night or whatever. Just give me a call. I'm awake and I'm here. I never know, man.
44:57🔗
Caller
His phone is so horrible, though. I don't know if I'll ever use this to you. You have another here.
45:24🔗
Best Of
When it comes to FWBS, there's nothing they won't do. So ask away. It's time to play. Don't say I didn't warn you. It's Adam Corolla's favorite game. Germany or Florida.
45:41🔗
Adam
I just kind of want to try one more time. And this time, I want you to have fun with it.
45:59🔗
Best Of
It's time to play. Don't say I didn't mourn ya. It's Adam Corolla's favorite game. Germany or Florida.
46:09🔗
Drew
I realize. Da da da da da da da da da da da da da. It sounds like it should. You should sync it up to that.
46:19🔗
Drew
No, I would like him to work on the second one. The lyrics are great. Sync it up to a song. Okay. And I would, what? To this one?
46:32🔗
Drew
It's up to Theo, but I really think that Fractured Flickers, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, he's not gonna find that one.
46:48🔗
Hello?
46:51🔗
Hold on.
47:10🔗
Yes.
47:19🔗
Caller
Well, I guess that's a matter of opinion, but we have hot sex, so is that good enough?
47:24🔗
Adam
Hold on a second. Now they're bad. Now they're very unattractive. But that's all right. Hold on. We're going to talk to Jennifer about her lesbian relationship, and then we'll get back with Patricia. She's got a 17-year-old virgin boyfriend who won't have sex with her. She's 19. That's a twist. We'll be right back after this. It's the best of Loveline, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew.
48:19🔗
Adam
A guy we really enjoy from a little show called Arrested Development. Five Emmys, maybe you've heard of him. Will Arnett. There, buddy. It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Will Arnett is here tonight from Arrested Development. Sunday nights, 830. Fox. Five Emmys. Count them, Drew.
48:55🔗
Adam
The darling of the Emmys. I mean, certainly in the comedy department, I don't think anything did better than Arrested Development.
49:04🔗
Wow.
49:15🔗
Yeah.
49:21🔗
No, I don't. Sadly, I don't. They have not called me.
49:25🔗
Drew
The reason I was gonna ask is you brought this up and you told me I was wrong, and I am, of course, wrong. But there's somebody that sounds like you doing the OC. Yes.
49:34🔗
I like what he, I like to imitate that guy.
49:38🔗
Yeah. This week on an all new the OC. Because he kind of goes, oh, like he's like from Maryland.
49:48🔗
Adam
I do me a favor, do this one. Someone's killing this week on Vegas. Someone's killing show girls and Dan wants to know why.
49:59🔗
This week on an all new Vegas, someone is killing show girls and Dan wants to know why.
50:08🔗
Adam
Yeah. There you go. That was as much entertainer as I had from age 11 to 19. I was at just senior. I didn't even watch Vegas. I just watched them promo Vegas. And I was like, wow, this guy's got a car in his phone. And then I realized a car, I mean a phone in his car.
50:29🔗
That's the T-Bird?
50:33🔗
Did he have a phone? There were a couple of people had those phones.
50:36🔗
Adam
He had a phone in his car. I think I think Vegas was the first. And I was thinking, I was looking at my my life and I was thinking, Corolla, we barely have a toaster oven. Like it's a timeshare toaster. And we get it on Monday and Wednesday and Thursday. Yeah. No, we had to share. No. Well, we actually kept one toaster oven. Yeah.
50:55🔗
All right.
50:56🔗
Adam
So we'll and we'll also marry to Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live, by the way, who's super funny and very talented and good looking too. You know, you don't normally get the good looking and the funny and the funny. Yeah. But Amy Poehler is very attractive and and very talented.
51:14🔗
She got she got hugged last night by Bono. I don't know if anybody saw that.
51:20🔗
Well, I'm pissed. I mean, mm hmm.
51:28🔗
Adam
I had this great I I can't stand Bono, by the way, because he's always at some summit meeting or he's out here on the Capitol steps or he thinks he's running this country. He wants to know what's going on with this country. You know, so I thought first off, you're not from here, Bono or Bono or whatever you call yourself. There's a couple of things I think about. I think about you two. One is you got Bono and then you got the Edge and then you got Larry What's His Name. And I think how sad is it when you're Larry sandwiched in between the Edge and Bono and Bono on the Edge, and I'm Larry, you sound like an idiot, right? All right. But then I think I was thinking, look, go back to your crappy Ireland and get things straightened out over there. Don't worry about us. We're doing fine. No, no, he's over here doing his thing. And I thought, how would he like it if we did that to him? And then I thought, we sent Bob Seeger over to Ireland to straighten things out. And Bob just goes, hey Bono, yeah, I'm heading over to Ireland. I'm going to talk to the Congress or whatever you guys have on there.
52:26🔗
Adam
I'm going to get people together. I'm going to protest. I'm going to be angry about what's going on.
52:30🔗
But you know what? They ought to send the nudes with them, too.
52:40🔗
Adam
Ted is, see, here's the thing. You keep Ted. You keep Ted in your hip pocket because it's like, listen, if Bob Seeger's not working out, I will call Ted Nugent.
53:01🔗
Drew
It was huge. And I thought to myself, you know, if, first of all, the Major League Baseball has a long and rich history of things flying out of the stands and only built in battalions, the only guy I've ever seen fly into the stands.
53:12🔗
Drew
I mean, the reality is even if somebody shot with a crossbow out of the stands, they should like hail security and get the guy arrested. You don't jump into the stand.
53:29🔗
Adam
Yeah, I guess you're right. Yeah. I'm just saying, look, these athletes are like beaked up thoroughbreds. You know, they they know. I just mean, you ever see like a, you know, horse that pulls a plow? That's you, Drew.
53:52🔗
Adam
I'm just saying a bird could land on you and your fur would just do that. We wouldn't do it. These guys are like thoroughbreds. You try to get them into the gate, you know, their blood's coming out of their nostrils. And so there's veins coming out of the stuff. You agitate those guys, white or black, whatever they are, they're coming after you.
54:07🔗
Caller
That's their thing. And if they don't perform exactly like you want, then everybody freaks out like, well, what, you know. But you do have to ask the question, would Michael Jordan have done it like a great player? Would Larry Bird have done it? No.
54:25🔗
Caller
Yeah, he probably would have. Well, he would have hit a couple of women on the way and then he would have got to it.
54:30🔗
Adam
It's clearly wrong, but these guys, one of the things that makes athletes great is shutting everything off and sort of like reacting. It's sort of like the great boxers, you know, they're not looking around. They don't really even know where they are. They just tunnel vision on what's in front of them. And when these guys just react, their reaction time is 10 times faster than ours. They get hit with a beer. It's like, I'm killing. I don't think they even know where they are. And I'm not defending them.
55:03🔗
Adam
Well, look, here's all I'm saying. I'm not defending our test or whoever went into the stands. On the other hand, don't throw beer on somebody if you don't want to get your ass kicked. That's number one. I don't believe it's sort of like the zoo where there's a gorilla that could take your arms off, but there's a cage in between and we're going to torment it. No, there's just a small fence, so don't go torment them.
55:33🔗
Caller
And it really goes to the heart. I mean, without getting into it, I don't have the time for it, but it is, and it's going to sound so liberal, which is really all it means is free liberal, which is hilarious that it's become a four-letter word, but the idea that that sort of display on Friday night is really such a manifestation of where we're at. It really is. And if anybody thinks that it's not, then they're wrong, because the whole idea of my respect, you disrespected me and trash talk and all those things that are now such a big part of our vernacular, that are just ridiculous notions and they're all about pride and misdirected anger and all this sort of junk.
56:16🔗
Adam
Yeah, it's ridiculous, but on both sides, and then fans coming down to square off with it.
56:25🔗
Adam
Like that wouldn't have happened 20 years ago either. I mean, forget about the athlete going up there. I don't think the fan would have walked down and tried to square up with the guy.
56:36🔗
Adam
And there was a sort of there's there's no, you know, it's all it's like I always think about flying. Guys would have like an ascot and a blue blazer. Now I got a guy cut off sweats and a boner. One flip flop. That's what Southwest will get you. Guy's wearing a stocking.
57:01🔗
Adam
I'm not exposing myself to hundreds of people. Yeah, guy's just sitting there. He's wearing the, he's wearing the tank top. No pockets?
57:09🔗
Adam
Just carrying your ID around? Like, don't you, what do you do with your keys when you travel? Like, what is that?
57:23🔗
Adam
I don't mind a tank top, but the one where the bottom of the armpit goes down lower than your hip, that ain't a tank top. It's barely a poncho. Yeah, that's what Tyson wears into the ring. Just a towel with a hole in it. I don't need to be seeing stretch marks around your liver while I'm trying to eat my peanuts.
57:44🔗
Adam
Yeah, this is all, this is where it all started in airline travel, and then, and now it's moved its way to the arena. But yeah, no one's right, everyone's wrong. But all I'm saying is, if you're a guy who, you gotta understand too, these guys were the big men on campus. I mean, they don't have anybody come, no one came up to them when they were 17, 6'6, 265, yeah, and started to pick on them. No one ever told these guys, no, you're sitting there, all of a sudden, you get hit in the back of the head with a beer. You just turn around. That's it, it's game on, it's a switch that's thrown.
58:47🔗
Caller
My boyfriend is twice my age, and we've been dating for about six months, and we haven't done anything but kiss, and I was wondering if there's kind of a delicate way I could ask him why we're not having sex.
59:19🔗
Adam
What's going on with you? I like the herpes or gay part, which is gonna be a new show we're gonna try to work at.
59:25🔗
Adam
Here, do the VO for it, it's time to play Herpes. Your host, Adam Corolla, there we go. Ladies and gentlemen.
59:47🔗
Adam
We all know how the game is played. Yeah, that'd be a good game. You could be the announcer, you'd be my, my, my Rod, Rod, Rod Rowdy, Rowdy, Rod, Rod, Roddy, Rod. Who was the, who was the, who was the announcer? No, uh, oh no, the price is right for all those.
1:00:18🔗
Adam
All right, you're going to get a big fat check in the mail every week when this thing goes to syndication.
1:00:29🔗
Drew
And what's the nature of your relationship with your boyfriend? How did you meet him? That kind of thing?
1:01:00🔗
Drew
Or just saying, I've always thought when I had a boyfriend, it meant we were having sex.
1:01:12🔗
Adam
That's right. All right. So, Kitty, something's going on with your sexual satellite dish, too.
1:01:44🔗
Adam
That's a, part of this could be horrifying. I mean, your dad doing it to you is like sort of deeply disturbing, but your friend's dad is sort of frightening at the same time.
1:02:01🔗
Drew
Well, no, wait, Kitty, bring it up with your boyfriend. If there's something, you know, you know, you have a history of.
1:02:20🔗
What?
1:02:27🔗
He's not gay.
1:02:29🔗
Adam
Look, if he was on stage and didn't have a roll of duct tape on his belt and was working on something, he's actually in the play.
1:02:36🔗
No, no, no, he was in the crew.
1:02:52🔗
Drew
Yeah. I just got horrible. Imagine somebody that she was really attracted to. She's got all these issues with men, super attracted to this guy, guys want to have sex. What is up with this guy? All right. Let's just go and talk to him. We don't have enough information as you give you anything useful except to say you just need to talk with him. The fact that you won't talk with him is sort of bizarre. It's of course you would talk to him about something like this. You feel, go ahead and feel justified bringing it up.
1:03:28🔗
Caller
You know, I felt bad because I said Roddy Ryder Piper. I was completely on the wrong track. I thought you were talking about something else. So I looked it up for you, buddy.
1:03:46🔗
Adam
Must be made up. Although it doesn't. It's not good enough to be made up. Do you know what I mean?
1:03:54🔗
Adam
We'll have to go. We'll go find his grave. Chris, go to Rod Roddy's grave during the next commercial and and bury yourself. Now, go find out what's not here.
1:04:05🔗
Adam
I don't trust you. So take a piece of paper and a pencil and stencils the gravestone and then bring it back to me.
1:04:13🔗
Adam
All right. Or take a picture of it with your camera phone. But I want a current newspaper where the date is displayed next to it. All right.
1:04:28🔗
Caller
I wanted to know why my boyfriend would lose his erection while we're having sex. And it's only in certain positions also.
1:04:42🔗
Adam
Well, sometimes you get a little whiff of ass. And it's like, oh, man, it can be rough. You're like, oh, my God, I'm banging a human.
1:04:52🔗
Drew
But once again, doesn't that somewhat function based on who you're with? I mean, if it was somebody, you know, it was Claudia Schiffer, something like you like a little ass.
1:05:06🔗
Adam
Yeah. Oh, no. Claudia Schiffer. It's like the next morning, like, could you please crap on my waffle? Thank you. Thank you. OK. That's fantastic. That's it. That's all I guess. I guess I'll spread it out. You know, now it's just a waffle because the divots eat it up pretty good. But no, no, no, that's what you got. That's what you got.
1:05:26🔗
Caller
You know, they go for that. They go for that in Germany. Yeah, that was Germany. Yeah, they go for that.
1:05:35🔗
Drew
But that's the thing, the beauty of man is what I'm saying. I mean, man, like they have certain times they're very sensitive. Other times it's like they saw their arm off and they're like, whatever.
1:06:17🔗
Oh, God.
1:06:20🔗
Drew
Well, haven't you haven't you said to your friends when you're going to have to she's a waffle crapper.
1:06:31🔗
Adam
You see Quincy Jones with those two waffle crappers on his arm when he came to the awards. Oh, they were smoking.
1:06:39🔗
Caller
Oh, Mom and Dad, I can't wait till you meet her. I bring her home for Thanksgiving. She's a real waffle crapper.
1:06:48🔗
Adam
I met her at a sock hop in 1961. I said to my buddy, I said that is a waffle crapper. I could see it from across the gym.
1:06:57🔗
Caller
And sure enough, yeah, it's even good in German, waffle crapper, waffle crapping time is over.
1:07:10🔗
Adam
Yeah. Well, that's the whole thing. You marry her because she's a waffle crapper. And then, but then her personality starts coming through and she gets a little older and she gets a little long in the tooth and next thing you know, you got your secretary crapping on your waffle.
1:08:13🔗
Adam
Champion waffle crapper. Yeah. Legendary waffle crapper go-getter. Yeah, sure. Waffle crapper just sounds like, it sounds like a horrible German name.
1:08:30🔗
Adam
Also sounds like a like a World War II aircraft manufacturer. The Waffle Crapper Company. And later made coffee pots.
1:08:38🔗
Caller
I remember when I heard the Waffle Crapper coming over my village. They started to bomb us.
1:08:50🔗
Drew
The Waffle Crapper was a legion in the air force. It wasn't the plane. It was a group.
1:08:54🔗
Adam
They manufactured. They were sued for atrocities because they used slave labor. In their forging plants.
1:09:18🔗
Adam
Let's go. Will got us punchy. All right. Will Arnett in here from Arrested Development, 8.30 Sunday night. We'll take a quick break.
1:09:46🔗
Adam
Well, it is the best of Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. And next up, a dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear friend who I knew long before I got in the show business, believe it or not. Yeah, best lay I had in the 80s. Oh, really? Mm-hmm, Kathy Griffin. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-V-E-1-9-1. Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, disillusioned, disgruntled friend, disgusted, Kathy Griffin in studio tonight.
1:10:49🔗
Adam
I stood behind Drew. I spoke to him while he urinated. And by the way, don't ever turn your back on me, Drew.
1:11:12🔗
Adam
Then I took a half a step toward the toilet and saw that it was a day glow yellow, and then launched into a jag about what is going on with society and guys not flushing the toilet, and people can't flip the cap down on the ketchup container.
1:11:30🔗
Drew
Cause I was too busy listening to him. I was trying to get away from the fart. Well, it was the latrine. I used the latrine, not the toilet.
1:11:36🔗
Adam
Yeah, he used the urinal, and that has an automatic flusher, which is now served to confuse people, because I think they think everything's an automatic flusher. But here's all I'm saying. I see a lot of this now, where you walk into the kitchen, and the microwave door's open. The person didn't have the decency to shut it. The ketchup is all crusty, the mustard's all crusty, because they didn't flip the cap down on it.
1:12:02🔗
Adam
Everything is filled. You go to the bathroom, go to the airport or something. It's just urinal after urinal filled with urine. People don't have the dignity to flush it. What is it? Is it a big F for you and everyone? Have we become that?
1:12:12🔗
Best Of
Well, girls' restrooms are the worst, because girls have this crazy, ridiculous irrational fear that if you sit on a toilet seat, you're going to get hurt.
1:12:25🔗
Best Of
Every time I go to the public restroom, I have to stand there and clean it for like five minutes. They hover over it, right? Yeah, I don't hover. I sit right on it.
1:12:44🔗
Adam
No, I know, but I find it interesting that women's number one complaint with men at the home is having the seat down and getting wee wee on the seat. But if you go to the public place.
1:12:59🔗
Adam
Oh, well, speak for yourself. Pardon moi. So you then don't hover. You have to wipe off the yarn.
1:13:06🔗
Best Of
And I get a bunch of Kleenex and I wipe it all, wipe it down, and then I just sit down like a normal person. But I like to make a comment. No, I don't need that. I like to make a comment like some old lady will get out and then I'll look at the toilet seat and I'll splatter and I'll go, Oh, I guess I'll just clean up after your pee.
1:13:21🔗
Best Of
Oh, yeah. I've never once had a person acknowledge it. I've never had a woman say, I'm sorry or shut out.
1:13:28🔗
Drew
Oh, here at the airport, they have a nice thing where the toilet changes its own plastic thing.
1:13:35🔗
Adam
Not had the chance to test that out. I'm going to build up something nice and head to Chicago and see what I can get done. I like the people that make their own sort of MacGyver-esque makeshift ass gasket out of toilet paper and then just leave it there like some sort of off right here. Oh, should I use it or perhaps I should carefully flip it over and use the other side. Listen, you idiot. You made an ass gasket. You took a dump. Now flush it. Jesus Christ. Why don't you just come over and rub some fecal matter on my car rear view mirror while you're at it. You whizzed up the thing. Just flush it. Just flush. That's all. Put the cap back on the goddamn ketchup, shut the microwave and flush the effing toilet. That's all. All right.
1:14:18🔗
Adam
All right. No, I'm not saying even toothpaste. You know why? Because I'm talking workplace, other people. Well, you would do what you want at home, drive your spouse crazy, do whatever you want, drive your roommate nuts. But when you're out using the kitchen at the job or you're using the airport bathroom.
1:14:56🔗
Adam
Well, first off, I like to look at myself when I whiz and there's usually, you know, and I'm a multitasker. I will oftentimes shave and whiz in the sink.
1:15:15🔗
Best Of
What if your wife was going to like say, oh, I need to wash out this tank top before I wear it tonight. I'll just wash out in the sink real fast. Which is where you pee.
1:15:31🔗
Adam
Let me let me tell you this. I used to whiz in the sink before Drew told me urine was sterile. And now that I found out it's sterile, I don't even move my toothbrush.
1:15:53🔗
Best Of
I'm going to christen it granite. It's going to be a little drop. I'm going to go. He doesn't. He's very good.
1:16:26🔗
Best Of
All right. Driving down the street, nine-year-old kid on the side of the road at a trailer park, been over pants around his ankles, dog licking his butt.
1:16:55🔗
Adam
Thank you, Kevin. We'll send you out nothing. Here's a hypothetical I thought of today. Has a trailer.
1:17:03🔗
Adam
Has a trailer ever burnt down because a Menorah tipped over? Now think about it. Okay. Give yourself a few beats.
1:17:11🔗
Best Of
Cause at first you think no, and then you think, hmm, a lot of old Jews in Florida. They can't all be wealthy.
1:17:51🔗
Adam
I think they were trying to lure you in there because they found out you're half Jewish and they want to kill you.
1:18:01🔗
Adam
Yeah, come on down. Come on down. We want to hear what you have to say. And then they string you up. Oh, yes.
1:18:16🔗
Yeah, I'm here.
1:18:20🔗
Caller
Well, I have a question actually that, hey, Kathy, how's it going? Okay. I had a question for both of you guys. I just got out of college a little while ago. I'm really into writing and comedy. And I wanted to know just kind of like how you guys got that first initial step into the business.
1:18:37🔗
Best Of
We never get a question like this. It's always my father just gave it to me up the butt again and he's in the final stages of AIDS. This is a very lighthearted, I'm just thrilled.
1:18:56🔗
Best Of
I was in Chicago. I did my first commercial when I was 18 and I was in high school. And then I moved to Los Angeles and I joined the Groundlings. I did that for a long time and I guess-
1:19:07🔗
Best Of
Since I was five years old. Oh, and I would say pursue it as much as you love it, but you really have to love it. If you're like on the fence or not sure, sometimes you get discouraged, it's not for you. You have to love it at any cost.
1:19:33🔗
Best Of
Well, don't act like it's a really easy way to make money. Oh, comedy is an easy buck.
1:19:37🔗
Adam
No, it's not. But if you can do it, you might as well do it and get paid instead of swinging a hammer. You can yell that and work with a bunch of racists who call their children the kid. Sam?
1:19:51🔗
Caller
Yeah. Specifically, I do want to write. I've always been kind of into kind of the behind the scenes aspect rather than being on camera. But I really like to create a side.
1:20:02🔗
Adam
You need to, if you want to write, you need to write. You just write something every day. And get involved with some like, you know, improv troupe and write a bunch of sketches for them and do it that way. Have people do your material.
1:20:15🔗
Best Of
Isn't there stuff online you can just write and there's like websites where people just write stuff and...
1:20:21🔗
Adam
It also seems like a pretty good time. I know it wasn't that long ago, but when Kathy and I met, we probably met over at the Groundlings 15 years ago or so now, and there weren't that many outlets. Like, there was this whole thing where the cable was kind of just getting going. There wasn't all these reality shows. There certainly just, there wasn't 350 stations with 1,500 shows, 1,000 which you've never even heard of. It was just like, if you're funny, you're either sitcom material or you're not. And if you're not, well, have fun playing a cruise ship for the rest of your life. There's no place for you on TV. There was all this Bravo and TNN and Spike and Comedy Central. You know, think about what Comedy Central's offered. It's offered people who they wouldn't let on TV, guys like myself, maybe people like that. They've given a place for us to go. Some people that aren't necessarily...
1:21:22🔗
Adam
All right, so go to New York. Please don't come to LA. I don't want to get behind you at a red light when you're not turning right.
1:21:33🔗
Adam
Well thank you. It was easy. They just told me what to say. All right, you ready to rock? Anyway, no excuses. No quick fixes. You just do it because you like to do it and if it works out, it works out. In any business. Just focus and do it. Have we ever heard a shortcut in this business?
1:22:01🔗
Drew
But we hear the same thing from the musicians, talk to people who want to be musicians. We hear the same thing for every single creative endeavor. It's always about just, yeah, something you really got to do. You better just do it and do a lot of it and see what happens.
1:22:13🔗
Adam
All right. Let's take ourselves a little break. Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear friend, Kathy Griffin here. We'll take a break. Name of the new DVD, by the way, allegedly hot, hot, hot. The Gays Love It. We'll be right back after this.
1:23:09🔗
Adam
Yeah. You know, I was thinking... You know, it's nothing worse than... I remember being sick when I was a kid. Nothing worse than living in a dump and getting sick. Sitting around watching a bad black and white Zenith TV.
1:23:24🔗
Drew
Right. It makes the visual, the environment sort of reproduces how you're feeling. Or amplifies it, you know.
1:23:32🔗
Adam
Well, the whole thing is, is that if you live in a crappy house, your whole life is outside the house. Then you get locked out. Oh.
1:23:48🔗
Yeah.
1:24:03🔗
Drew
All right. I was reading an article recently that was strongly urging blood testing for diagnosis of herpes. And I thought, well, that's fine for herpes too, which is about 60% of the genital herpes. But what about that other 40% that's herpes type 1, which basically everyone has been exposed to. So if you test everybody to the antibody to that, everyone's going to look like they have that. So I don't know. I still think it's kind of a clinical diagnosis when someone gets sores in their genital what they've got.
1:24:30🔗
Adam
But people don't normally, I mean, you can spread herpes from the mouth down to the genitals.
1:24:47🔗
Adam
But not all types. Most of viruses that are on people's faces don't seem to be the ones that get to the-
1:24:56🔗
Adam
Crotch. But anyway, it's still doable. I mean, you're sort of both right in the sense that, in the sense that just because you got something on your lip doesn't mean it's going to land on the inside of her hip.
1:25:16🔗
Drew
But if you have something on your mouth or upper lip, wherever, you should not have oral sex because it could potentially transmit it.
1:25:35🔗
Caller
I'm like some ugly chick who like doesn't get guys. But with all my relationships, I've always like, you know, been pledging the guy or whatever, because I'm, I'm really, really, really scared for like, like I'm a virgin too. Like I'm just scared for guys to like go down on me or like put their hands down. I'm sick of this weird fear I have. Like I don't know why I have it.
1:26:44🔗
Adam
I just get mad at everyone at their immediate shutdown and denial of everything. It's like saxophone. What? No, no. That's music. That's not a saxophone.
1:27:02🔗
Adam
Because, you know, I call them supply. I don't call them air, but that's it. But I can groove to that band. I'm finally glad that someone else is into the supply.
1:27:13🔗
Adam
As much as I am. I didn't think they would reach down into the younger generations, but evidently they have.
1:27:25🔗
Drew
Jennifer, does anybody touch you down there conjure up any particular images or problems?
1:27:31🔗
Caller
No. I don't have any problems. I think maybe it's even self-conscious about it. I'm with a guy right now and I don't know what to do because I don't particularly even like going down on guys. I mean, whatever. It's cool. I'll give a guy a head, whatever. Sure.
1:27:51🔗
Drew
Well, you slow down a little bit. You may be just not prepared, not in the right situation, not in the right relationship and just don't feel obliged to have to do these things just because everyone's doing them.
1:28:09🔗
Drew
Okay, listen, Jennifer, I think it's a nice protective mechanism you have in place from perhaps preventing you from doing things you aren't ready to do yet. So just relax. Just listen to your- These are good instincts. These are not bad ones. Don't force yourself to do things you're not ready to do.
1:28:36🔗
Drew
There's an interesting thing out there where girls with low self-esteem are quick to have sex. Guys with high self-esteem have lots of sex.
1:28:44🔗
Caller
Whenever I listen to you guys talk to people, you always ask about their family life, and I have the best relationship with my parents. I have the best relationship with my dad. No one's ever done anything bad to me or anything.
1:28:59🔗
Drew
No. My point was she has high self-esteem. That's why she's not having sex. Girls with low self-esteem have a lot of sex.
1:29:05🔗
Drew
And the converse is true with males. Guys with high self-esteem, a lot of sex. Low self-esteem.
1:29:44🔗
Adam
No, no. He used to, anyway, he called me. He called me, left a long drunken message on my phone machine Saturday night, and he was laughing because he works at Union Construction. And he said, on the, he was like all, he was all loaded, and he said, on the Porta Pani, he said, he went in there, and it said, Mexican Space Shuttle. And he started laughing like a mad man.
1:30:23🔗
Adam
It's good. He was also the guy who informed me that, when he had the seat liners, you know, those, ask gaskets as they call them at the commercial buildings and in the airports and stuff at the toilets, he saw the sign that had an arrow pointing to it and said, free cowboy hats. I always liked that too. Mexican Space Shuttle.
1:30:48🔗
Adam
They called back. Here's the problem with the drunken guy phone calls. It's never one. You get the second message. Okay, dude, don't tell. You get that, okay, I'm drunk. I got about four of them, but I always enjoy them. Amber?
1:31:04🔗
Adam
Especially when you're dealing out that kind of top-notch entertainment. Yeah. What's up there, Amber?
1:31:10🔗
Caller
Well, I have trouble climaxing with intercourse, but with masturbation and oral sex. I was just wondering if there's anything wrong with me.
1:31:24🔗
Caller
Okay. I was also wondering if there's any kind of like, because I've seen like there's like creams at like sex shops to like increase it or like help it or whatever. I was kind of wondering if those actually work.
1:31:36🔗
Drew
You probably will feel something, but I don't think it would change your basic mechanism.
1:31:43🔗
Drew
But it's still going to be primarily this for you. It's going to be unusual for you to have orgasm.
1:31:55🔗
Drew
It's going to get, in about 10 years, get a little easier, and we might sort of get a little handle on it, so to speak. But it's going to basically be the same thing. This is most women do not have orgasm during intercourse. They only do it during oral sex.
1:32:10🔗
Adam
Lengthy, arduous, tedious oral sex. How long does it take you to have orgasm with the oral sex?
1:32:34🔗
Caller
Yeah, I mean, like I can achieve it when like masturbation and stuff, just like with intercourse, it doesn't happen.
1:32:46🔗
Adam
Man, I get TMJ. Oh, here's the thing, too. Amber's probably one of these chicks who probably squeezes one off every once in a while. And it's like, no, with the guy getting the oral, squeezes the one off in like nine minutes.
1:33:00🔗
Adam
So the guy's feeling pretty good about himself. But the next one comes at minute 41. You know, the next session, the guy's like, what's going on? I know we've passed the point where we had one last time.
1:33:12🔗
Drew
Randomly reinforced behaviors cannot be extinguished, meaning he'll go back to the well for that nine minutes.
1:33:18🔗
Adam
I know, but it starts to wreak havoc on your mind when you realize, Jesus Christ, I've just listened to seven Led Zeppelin songs and nothing.
1:33:30🔗
Adam
We're going to take a break. We'll be back. Well, that's the show. That's the week. Thank you all for tuning in. I want to give a little tip of the hat to those who made it possible. Number one on the list, Engineer Anderson.
1:34:19🔗
Adam
Yeah, that's... Well, actually, we'll listen to it, and if it comes out good, we'll know that Chris had a hand in it, because a man is synonymous with excellence.
1:34:27🔗
Adam
I'm gonna give Chris a little shout out anyway, Engineer Chris, for doing a... Actually, here's my shout out. Give me some coffee. All right. Engineer Chris, doing a great job all week long. I wanna thank Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior, Junior Producer, Lauren, and of course, Senior Producer, Ann, for doing a fantabulous job, and... Oh, Brian, for possibly screening some calls, so that where the hell was he? It was the best of. So, until next time, I'm Adam Crawford, Dr. Drew is saying, Mahala.
1:34:59🔗
Caller
This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed in this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold.