Tuesday, November 16, 2004

0:57🔗 Voiceover Online is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised.

1:20🔗 Voiceover Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Diction Medicine Specialist.

1:30🔗 Drew Oh, no. Not this early in the show.

1:33🔗 Adam Get it on.

1:33🔗 Drew No traffic and weather, please.

1:36🔗 Adam It may be coming later in the night.

1:37🔗 Drew Yeah, later's good.

1:37🔗 Adam Ranchero Countdown. What else we got, Drew? What do you got?

1:41🔗 Drew I got calls.

1:42🔗 Adam You got calls, babe. That's what you've contributed.

1:44🔗 Drew You know, speaking of Ranchero, I did a LA TV tonight, Latin TV.

1:48🔗 Adam Latin TV.

1:49🔗 Drew Yeah, I'm so inspired by the Ranchero music that I... And Chris, you're inspiring to me too. And I just gotta dig in.

1:55🔗 Adam How was LA TV?

1:56🔗 Drew It's excellent. It's a good program.

1:57🔗 Adam What do you do? What do you do?

2:03🔗 Drew You dig in? It's just sort of a, it's sort of a... Mm-hmm. TRL type show. Really? They have interviews and stuff.

2:10🔗 Adam Lots of big cans?

2:11🔗 Drew No.

2:12🔗 Adam Big jugs, big asses.

2:13🔗 Drew Everyone chasing everyone around. No, no, boom.

10:46🔗 Adam Four, it's equivalent to four days underneath the house. For 15 minutes.

10:50🔗 Drew And you wouldn't blink.

10:51🔗 No, no.

10:52🔗 Adam Boom.

10:53🔗 Drew Yeah, power.

10:53🔗 Adam Do it.

10:53🔗 Done.

10:54🔗 Adam Yeah.

10:56🔗 Drew But women are more interested in turning.

10:59🔗 Adam Yeah, I'm just saying, picture this guy, this guy's out, bussing his hump, getting eight, nine, 10 bucks an hour. Boom, right to the hook.

11:06🔗 Drew But again, men and women, same. Same. It's just, it's society that's made them the same.

11:10🔗 Adam That's right, right, the man, the man, the man, the man.

11:14🔗 Drew Men would crawl their belly through ass for five days to get five minutes with the woman they wanted.

11:19🔗 Adam Yeah, maybe a cocktail. That's right. Yeah. Jennifer?

11:24🔗 Yes.

11:25🔗 Adam 19?

11:26🔗 Yes.

11:27🔗 Adam What's up, hold on. Chris, what'd you find, buddy?

11:29🔗 Yeah, it's 10 p.m. Eastern and Pacific with Celebrity Blackjack on the Game Show Network. And it has your picture on here.

11:36🔗 Drew Tonight?

11:36🔗 Huh?

11:37🔗 Drew Tonight?

11:38🔗 That's my picture on it. Tuesday's 10 p.m. Eastern and Pacific. That's good.

11:42🔗 Adam Eastern and Pacific. All right. Well, that's me. Well, I should have set my Tiva.

11:47🔗 No.

11:47🔗 Adam I guess I'm gonna miss it.

11:48🔗 Drew Be serious.

11:50🔗 Adam All right. How dare you, Drew? I would go home and watch me.

11:52🔗 Drew You would not.

11:53🔗 Adam I would watch it if my Tiva did.

11:55🔗 Drew You'd watch the robots fighting before you'd watch that.

11:57🔗 Adam Oh, love them battle bots. Miss those battle bots. Jennifer?

12:02🔗 Yes.

12:03🔗 Adam 19?

12:04🔗 Yes.

12:04🔗 Adam All right, go ahead.

12:07🔗 Well, me and my boyfriend have been together for going on three years, just over two and a half years. And we've been discussing having a faith film, but my friends tell me that I shouldn't do it and that it's gonna ruin our relationship.

12:20🔗 Drew How did that discussion begin? Was this his idea?

12:23🔗 Actually, it was mine.

12:25🔗 Drew And was it bringing in another girl?

12:27🔗 Yes.

12:28🔗 Drew And why do you wanna do that? What's that gonna do for you?

12:31🔗 I don't know. I've always kind of been attracted to other girls.

12:35🔗 Adam Yeah.

12:36🔗 This is, this is-

12:37🔗 Drew Well, I'm not sure what this is yet because they've been together three years. Three years.

12:42🔗 Adam And she would like, okay-

12:43🔗 Drew And she's thinking about it sanely.

12:44🔗 Adam She would like to-

12:46🔗 Drew Stir it up.

12:46🔗 Adam Experiment with another woman. Now, I'm not saying stir it up per se, but maybe subconsciously she would, but consciously she would, feels like she'd, okay, let me say this. Everyone thinks they're gonna have some sort of revelation. This is the life. This is my revelation in life. There are no revelations. Thank you. You think you're, oh, if I could just look my biological dad in the eye and confront him. All the pain would magically go away.

13:16🔗 Drew No, no, oh.

13:17🔗 Adam If I could just.

13:18🔗 Drew The perpetrator. If I could kick the ass of the perpetrator that abused me when I was five.

13:21🔗 Adam Yeah, if I could get vengeance. No way. If I could get back at that person. Everything from winning the lottery to the velvety, smooth touch of another woman's tongue on the coos.

13:34🔗 Drew Well, that.

13:36🔗 Adam Okay, point is it's not gonna change anything. You're not missing anything. And here's what it's gonna feel like, by the way. Exactly what you thought it would feel like. That's what everything feels like. That's my other right of way.

13:48🔗 Drew But in a way, Adam, if I take your logic out a little further, don't go to strip clubs anymore because it looks and feels like-

13:52🔗 Adam How dare you? How dare you? That was nothing short of an attack.

13:59🔗 Drew It was meant that way, sir.

14:01🔗 Adam Guy say good day to you. Good day! Jennifer?

14:06🔗 Drew Okay. What just happened?

14:10🔗 Adam Here's what just happened. If it will destabilize things.

14:15🔗 Drew Yeah, so mess up your relationship.

14:16🔗 Adam On the other hand, you guys have been together since you were 16.

14:18🔗 Drew Yeah, you may want the relationship to end. This may be so that impulse.

14:21🔗 Adam No, we may want it to end. It should end.

14:23🔗 Drew But we should have examined her past. Did you ever have sexual abuse or the things that could sort of stir up your compass a little bit? You were sexually abused. Was it by a woman or a man?

14:37🔗 My father.

14:38🔗 Drew Your father, okay, so this is gonna make you have great difficulty being intimate with a man. It's gonna sort of drive you towards women if you, you know, men have been brutalizing you since you were eight years old. How's your present boyfriend? Is he a good guy?

14:52🔗 He's always treating me good.

14:53🔗 He's never hit me, never, you know, dying.

14:56🔗 Drew Maybe that's a little bit boring for you.

14:58🔗 Adam Let's define college.

14:59🔗 Yeah, I do get bored with him, yeah.

15:00🔗 Drew Okay, that's a horrible, horrible impulse. Unfortunately, the need for the drama and the arousal is from the sexual abuse.

15:11🔗 Adam What kind of college is he in?

15:13🔗 He's in a university. He's in Towson University.

15:18🔗 Adam Ooh, never heard of it.

15:20🔗 It's in Maryland, it's in Maryland.

15:22🔗 Adam Okay, all right, well, look, the boredom is yes, it's a remnant of the past.

15:27🔗 Drew It's a good thing. The fact this is a boring relationship means it's the one you should be in and stick with.

15:31🔗 Adam Since you were abused, you can't have the threesome now because now you're acting out. Thank you.

15:36🔗 Drew Yeah, it's not just experimenting with a woman, it's an acting out.

15:38🔗 Adam Thank you. Ashley? You're 18.

15:42🔗 Caller Yep.

15:43🔗 Adam Welcome to the program. What can we do you for?

15:46🔗 Caller Well, I just wanna know why you guys are always ragging on kids that go to community college, why you think it's not a bad thing.

15:53🔗 Adam Well, wait, yeah, we have different reasons.

15:55🔗 Drew Yes, let me say that Adam-

15:57🔗 Adam Drew does it as a snob. No, Drew's a snob.

16:00🔗 Drew I'm a snob. But I happen to know that junior college or the community college is a whole different thing sort of east of the Mississippi. It's considered actually sort of a privilege. Okay, I'm just telling you. Don't care. And secondly, I've known lots of people who went to community college and then went to a good university.

16:16🔗 Adam Now, you know, two guys, you're counting-

16:18🔗 Drew And some of them I was in medical school with.

16:20🔗 Adam Never.

16:20🔗 Drew My wife did.

16:21🔗 Adam Well, medical school.

16:23🔗 Drew No, no, I'm just saying, she went to university after.

16:27🔗 Adam Didn't need to. All right, here's the point. I mean-

16:30🔗 Drew First, she got to learn metal school.

16:33🔗 Adam What do you want her to do in college? She didn't do anything.

16:36🔗 Drew It changes how your head works.

16:37🔗 Adam Oh, my God. I'd like to see her before college. Are you kidding? Head works. Look, just work hard, baby. Now, actually, are you listening? Here's what, okay, here's, I was explaining this to Drew while we were making a tinkle a couple nights back, which is here's why I don't like junior college. Because you have, and when I say you, and look, everyone can always pick an example. It's like everyone can find the guys on Death Row who's really innocent, but I'm not, I'm talking about the population of Death Row, not the one guy who actually is innocent. So don't give me the 1% that actually makes it through. And again, I discount Asians and folks from different countries who have to come here and sort of get started again. Junior college becomes the training wheels on their educational bike. They gotta get back on the road. Those people are fine. Here's the thing. You have your chance in high school to prove whether you're actually a decent student or not. You had four years to do something. You did nothing. Okay, at a certain point, that's your four years. Now, what you need to do when it turns out you weren't a good student, which turns out I wasn't, many people I knew weren't, what you need to do is to do something instead of this sort of purgatory, which is now high school, except we're not taking a role. And you can smoke in the quad. Now, you're perpetually in high school. And as a matter of fact, you should just keep going from 12th to 13th to 14th grade, because that's what it is. You need to now either get a job, join the military, join some branch of the Coast Guard or the Navy or something like that, or get some specialized training. Plumber, welder, ambulance driver, EMT, whatever it is, beauty school, you need to go for you.

18:21🔗 Drew Which is junior college by the way, is beauty school a sub-temp, the tax center?

18:25🔗 Adam You need to go into specific training.

18:26🔗 Drew Nursing, cosmetic.

18:27🔗 Adam Whatever, because you're not a student. Now you think you're gonna go right from high school to junior college and become a student? By the way, from your senior year when you were the world's crappiest student to the beginning of junior college, four months. Will you think you're different?

18:40🔗 Drew They have a revelation.

18:41🔗 Adam You put on six pounds and grew a 16th of an inch. You're just as dumb as you were eight months ago. You're probably the same age as you were four months back when you graduated. You're not gonna do anything.

18:52🔗 Drew No revelation?

18:53🔗 Adam No, no. You just sit there and spin your wheels and do nothing. Go to work, go do something. You're not a good student.

19:00🔗 Drew Anyway, Ashley, that's his point of view. So does that explain it?

19:05🔗 Caller It's really funny though, because I'm completely opposite of what Adam thinks.

19:09🔗 Adam Why didn't you go to college then?

19:11🔗 Caller I can't afford it.

19:12🔗 Drew Well, that's that piece. That's the...

19:14🔗 Adam Yeah, but if you're a good student, you can work it out. Get loans and grants and get everything. Well, what did you do in high school? What was your SAT?

19:23🔗 Caller I didn't take the SAT.

19:27🔗 Adam Hold on, scrape me off the floor, Drew. I'm floored.

19:30🔗 Drew I've never heard of a good student not taking an SAT.

19:33🔗 Caller Well, I haven't claimed to be a good student yet, but I didn't want to.

19:37🔗 Adam They always make their point. By the way, Drew took his first PSAT before he left his mom's womb. His dad actually balled it up and sent it up. You know when you go... No, you're at the car dealer, and they take the invoice over to the mechanic's bank. They used to do it at the bank too. That's what they did.

19:56🔗 Drew It's like the Incredibles. Oh no, it was Polar Express. It got a tube that the kids traveled through.

20:00🔗 Adam That's what Drew's dad did with Drew's mom.

20:03🔗 Drew Pneumatic tubes.

20:04🔗 Adam Just fired that pneumatic tube right up. They got the PSAT. Drew got a 1265, 1270, I believe. Your dad told me what he... He thought it was decent for a zygote but would have liked to seat it up around 1300. Drew's sister got a 1300. He couldn't figure out why Drew couldn't get that. He sent another one up there on the third trimester and Drew scored a little better although the math was off. He claims it was dark.

20:30🔗 Drew But I registered a second trimester.

20:32🔗 Adam That's right.

20:33🔗 Drew While playing a game.

20:34🔗 Adam Then when he came down, when he came out, before they cut the umbilical cord and wiped the smegma from his eye, they actually had him take his third.

20:42🔗 Drew That's smegma, it's meconium.

20:44🔗 Adam Meconium from his eye. That was on the test. He took his third PSAT. And so by the time he'd actually got to a senior year over at the Little Lord Fauntleroy School for albino hemophiliacs, he'd taken the PSATs 66 times.

21:02🔗 Drew Three times a year.

21:03🔗 Adam That's right. And that's why he got the big 1470 on the finished one.

21:09🔗 Drew I'm speaking at my old high school on Friday.

21:11🔗 Adam Fantastic. Nobody cares. Here's the point. Ashley turns out not a great student.

21:17🔗 Drew That's shocking.

21:18🔗 Adam Turns out she will be residing at the junior college for about five more years.

21:22🔗 Drew We shouldn't see it the way you see it though, how dare you?

21:24🔗 Adam That's part of what makes her dumb. Ashley?

21:27🔗 Caller Yeah?

21:28🔗 Adam Are you gonna transfer to a college?

21:30🔗 Caller Yeah.

21:31🔗 Adam When?

21:33🔗 Caller After I finish my two years. I'll graduate when I'm 20 and I'll have my bachelor's by the time I'm 22, hopefully.

21:43🔗 Adam Good.

21:44🔗 Drew Keep it up.

21:45🔗 Adam All right.

21:45🔗 Drew Keep going.

21:46🔗 Adam All right, baby doll. Thank you.

21:48🔗 Drew You gotta keep focused.

21:50🔗 Adam Did you hear the voice? And bachelor's 22? No.

21:54🔗 Drew Keep focused.

21:55🔗 Adam No, she'll be dancing in a bachelor party by the time she's 22, but she's not gonna have her bachelor's.

21:59🔗 Drew I believe somebody like that, if she were properly motivated, could be changed through education.

22:04🔗 Adam They're not properly motivated. Here's how you properly motivate a crappy student. You shove them out in the world. They realize work sucks for a couple of years and then they beg to get back to get something, to get a little more money. That's what you have to do. But they have to go out and go in the military or go have some crappy job. That's what it does. Other than that, it's just purgatory. It's just a holding tank. It's just an excuse. It's not good for them. It's not good for the dodo to just sit there in a cage. It's just a pen. It's just like, here, why don't you just put them in an ostrich pen and let them run around for five years? Same thing. Here's a pack of cigarettes. Here's a Slim Jim. Have fun with the other ostriches. Stick your head in the ground. Take a craps, sniff each other's behinds. Fantastic play, a little hacky sack, and maybe a little ultimate frisbee. Complain about the man. It's interesting. Yeah, and you do nothing. Or you end up like my mom. You get in the choir. Then you never get out. All right, I'm gonna take a break. Got someone with the baby voice. Hold on, Danielle? Ooh, what's happening?

23:10🔗 Caller My boyfriend is from Puerto Rico.

23:17🔗 Adam Three years? Yeah, is your dad a racist?

23:24🔗 Caller No, not that I know.

23:28🔗 Adam Would you please say more jello, please? And do it with zest? Verb. Do you have to change your voice into the crappy low voice to do, so you can ask all over my point? Do it with enthusiasm, more jello, please.

23:49🔗 Drew What? Crazy sips, did he drop something in?

23:53🔗 Adam I have no idea.

23:54🔗 Drew That was all her?

23:56🔗 Adam That was all her, being both sides of James Earl Jones and the Shirley Temple.

23:59🔗 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

24:00🔗 Adam Yes, that was both her. Whoa. Danielle. Your first one was bizarre and confusing. Your second one, I would label a six and a half. I'm looking for a nine. I'm looking for some energy, all right?

24:14🔗 Drew Not as James Earl Jones.

24:15🔗 Adam I'm gonna count you down to more jello, please, with a lot of energy and a lot of zest. You ready? Three, two, one, go.

24:27🔗 Drew Yeah, zest.

24:29🔗 Adam All right, hold on a second.

24:30🔗 Drew Verve.

24:31🔗 Adam Nice. That's a 17-year-old there, buddy. Well, engineer Chris is boner now. We'll take still say a little break. We'll be right back with Danielle after this.

24:48🔗 Caller Love Line is brought to you by the Sony Network Walkman player with up to 30 hours battery life. Sony, like no other.

25:02🔗 Adam There, buddy, it's Loveline and Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Gave Drew a nice sampling of the asparagus whiz in the bathroom.

25:15🔗 Drew It was not a sample, it was an assault. I think it was a payback for that little exchange we had earlier in the show.

25:21🔗 Adam Wow.

25:22🔗 Drew Yeah, wow, wow.

25:23🔗 Adam Powerful.

25:23🔗 Drew Wow.

25:24🔗 Adam I ate 13 large stocks of asparagus tonight for dinner, and the whiz just came out as if I was whizzing on a hot radiator. I mean, there was that much smell was coming up from it.

25:42🔗 Drew What is that with you? The difference between the hobo power between four stocks and 12 stocks for you, it's about 80, it's exponential.

25:52🔗 Adam It does.

25:53🔗 Drew It's not an additive, arithmetic thing.

25:55🔗 Adam Right. No, I don't know, you can put a few zeros in the hobo power department behind. We've not discussed the hobo power in a while. Let's make a note to explain hobo power tonight. All right?

26:07🔗 Drew Now?

26:08🔗 Adam Oh, now some Starbucks coming your way.

26:12🔗 Drew No. This will be the appropriate night to have this discussion.

26:15🔗 Adam Yeah, we gotta-

26:16🔗 Drew Don't actually vomit, okay?

26:17🔗 Adam Okay, we gotta finish talking to- Oh, and then, you know, this is another thing. I got bit by a lot of mosquitoes today. I bet you did. I probably got that West Nile thing. Where? All over my back.

26:29🔗 Drew No, that's gotta be a rash.

26:31🔗 Adam Why?

26:32🔗 Drew Let me see. Every day, a week does not go by that a patient doesn't come in and say, oh, heavily spider bites, flea bites.

26:38🔗 Adam Well, you listen, you deal with dodos. Okay, let me say this, too.

26:42🔗 Drew It's wintertime with mosquitoes.

26:44🔗 Adam No, no, let me explain. The spider bite thing, the poor spider, everyone, everything outside of a zit is a spider bite to people. I got a spider bite.

26:55🔗 Drew And by the way, eight times out of 10, it's shingles when they come in with that.

26:59🔗 Adam Really?

26:59🔗 Drew Absolutely.

27:00🔗 Adam Shingles?

27:01🔗 Drew Shingles.

27:01🔗 Adam Really? Just a spider bite? What they think is a spider bite?

27:05🔗 Drew No, no, it started as a spider bite. Now I've got this, then they describe it weird.

27:09🔗 Adam No, I'm just talking about one lump they call a spider. One calls everything a spider bite. It's almost generic.

27:13🔗 Drew And they invariably want to bring in the brown recluse. It's a brown recluse spider, right?

27:18🔗 Adam No, they don't. What, a crocodile hunter?

27:20🔗 Drew People bring weird spiders up all the time. It's never a spider bite, ever, ever, ever.

27:25🔗 Adam Okay, no, it's never. No, it's not. By the way, I had my goofball wife trying to talk me into a spider bite tonight. No, I smashed like eight mosquitoes in my house, mysteriously, mosquitoes, all over the inside of the house today. It's been hot. Santa Ana's been blowing. It's been hot outside.

27:42🔗 Drew You must have some still water out in the back there.

27:44🔗 Adam Something's going on, yeah. And there were mosquitoes in the house. And I took a little nap and I woke up with a bunch of mosquito bites all over and I felt raped. All right. All right, first off, I got some of them on my face.

27:57🔗 All right, just.

27:58🔗 Drew Did you take your medication lately?

28:00🔗 Adam No, I'm not taking my medic. Well, what do you count?

28:04🔗 Drew That's just your alcohol, your usual medicine.

28:06🔗 Adam Yeah, that's my medicine. All right, let's pull.

28:09🔗 Drew You can't take your jacket off first.

28:10🔗 Adam I'm just pulling up the back.

28:12🔗 Drew All right, let's go.

28:12🔗 Adam All right, well, just pull the back up for me then, would you?

28:18🔗 Drew Where are they? I don't know.

28:22🔗 Adam Yeah, yeah, where are they? Oh yeah, look at that. Hold on. I'm telling you, I got the West Nile. Drew, you're never right. You ever get tired of not being right?

28:35🔗 Drew No, it's hives. It's urticaria.

28:38🔗 Adam It's hives?

28:39🔗 Drew Yeah, it's called urticaria.

28:40🔗 Adam Okay, but let me, Drew, seriously, please listen to me. Is this the hives? Okay, it's gotta be.

28:48🔗 Drew That's pretty quick.

28:49🔗 Adam It's either ban or a ban called urticaria.

28:51🔗 Drew Do you have it anywhere else, in your legs or anything?

28:53🔗 Adam No.

28:53🔗 Drew You said your face or your neck.

28:54🔗 Adam No, no, no, I do, I did.

28:56🔗 Drew It's hives.

28:57🔗 Adam Okay, hold on a second. Hold on. Stop saying hives. Let me say this. Please listen. Everyone else is trying to talk me out of whatever I got. But first off, Drew, what's my batting average?

29:11🔗 Drew But let me tell you-

29:12🔗 Adam What's that batting average?

29:13🔗 Drew 100%. But let me just say what I'm seeing back there. Go ahead. It's probably 30 to 50.

29:19🔗 Adam 30 to 50?

29:20🔗 Drew Yes. They're little raised lumps.

29:22🔗 Adam 30 to 50?

29:23🔗 Drew If you count them, they're all over the place. And they're patches with red patches. I mean, it's called a wheel and flare reaction. Wheel and flares look like bug bites. But when they're distributed like that and they get up onto the face and neck, they turn typically around here, back to the tines. I mean, I'm good at carrying.

29:42🔗 Adam Whatever, I got eight, fine. Will I make it through the show?

29:45🔗 Drew Yes, no problem. Does it itch like crazy?

29:47🔗 Adam We'll strike her in here tomorrow because I'm not gonna be here. No, here, okay. Let me explain what's going on. I killed mosquitoes inside of my house.

29:57🔗 Drew I know, it's weird.

29:57🔗 Adam Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet. This afternoon, late this afternoon, early evening. Then I went up to take my nap. When I woke up about an hour later, this big scratching on the back and what have you, thought, okay, mosquitoes. And I looked at my back, saw four or five bites, what it looked like bites, raised skin, thought, okay, mosquito. Went back into the bedroom and started going on a little hunting expedition, found three mosquitoes in the bedroom and promptly killed them, mosquitoes in the bedroom.

30:30🔗 Drew That's weird.

30:31🔗 Adam Okay, so never saw mosquitoes in the house before, killed 10 mosquitoes in the house today and took a small nap. Only happened when I was asleep, by the way, when the mosquitoes would bite you. I was up all day, I was around all day. Happened in this one short window, pow. Nothing's changed in the house.

30:49🔗 Drew I've never heard of three mosquitoes giving 30 bites and perfect symmetric pattern in your bed.

30:54🔗 Adam That's interesting. Now I'm gonna have to take a look at that.

30:57🔗 Drew You gotta shine the light up, you can see the little bumps all over the place.

31:01🔗 Adam All right, all right, all right, you ready?

31:06🔗 Drew I hit the wrong one.

31:07🔗 Adam What are you doing?

31:08🔗 Drew You're all freaked out. It's through shives.

31:11🔗 Adam You're never right. Danielle. Danielle.

31:18🔗 Drew Here we go.

31:19🔗 Adam 17.

31:19🔗 Drew All right, so, how old is your boyfriend?

31:24🔗 Caller 17, he's a day older than me.

31:26🔗 Drew And he asked you to marry him. And what do you wanna do about that?

31:30🔗 Caller I have no idea, because I have few complications with it.

31:34🔗 Drew What are they?

31:36🔗 Caller Number one, his real family, like his real mom, is in Puerto Rico.

31:44🔗 Drew What's he doing here without his mom?

31:47🔗 Caller He, his mom sent him up here to live with his dad and his step-mom, so he wouldn't get shot or caught up in drugs or something.

31:56🔗 Drew Okay, which he had been caught up in when he was down there?

31:59🔗 Caller No, he, she wanted to make sure he didn't.

32:02🔗 Adam Well, how dare you? All cultures are exactly the same. There's just as much chance he's gonna get shot, caught up in drugs in the United States as there is in Puerto Rico.

32:09🔗 Caller His cousins, his cousins who live with them are into that.

32:13🔗 Adam Well, there's people out here that are into that. There's no difference.

32:17🔗 Drew That's your, we cannot judge.

32:18🔗 Adam Can't judge.

32:19🔗 Drew That is your number one.

32:20🔗 Adam Impossible to judge.

32:21🔗 Drew Your number one thing, what else you got?

32:26🔗 Caller He has a biting issue.

32:28🔗 Adam That's what I got. I got bit, bit by the hives, that is Anderson.

32:40🔗 Drew You're having sex with him? And he's biting you.

32:45🔗 Adam Where does he bite you?

32:51🔗 Drew Like big. Why are you with this guy? I love him.

32:55🔗 Caller Yeah.

32:56🔗 Adam Yeah, what's in it for you? You gotta, you gotta, you know, Puerto Rican with an oral fixation. You can't do better than that?

33:05🔗 Caller Yeah. I don't know what is wrong with him. He won't do it unless like, I read him first, but he holds my hand to where I can't move.

33:15🔗 Adam Oh, all right. Well, as long as he mobilizes you, that's fine.

33:18🔗 Caller And then, and then like, he'll bite me back, but he bites harder and I evidently booze easily.

33:27🔗 Drew I didn't hear the first, I didn't hear the first.

33:29🔗 Adam She sounds like she's sex because she says like, I booze easily. And she's, is it 17?

33:38🔗 Drew And I think about Marilyn Monroe. I saw a movie about her.

33:40🔗 Adam Oh my God.

33:41🔗 Drew You know she was an IV drug, she was an IV demoral addict?

33:45🔗 Adam Yeah. Marilyn Monroe was definitely sexually abused.

33:48🔗 Drew Sexually abused profoundly and oh, this movie went through all of it. It was just unbelievable.

33:54🔗 Caller How do you keep it hidden?

33:55🔗 Adam I'm gonna tell engineer Chris a joke that he's not gonna get. It's gonna be funny. It'll be funny, it's my favorite joke. All right, engineer Chris.

34:03🔗 Drew Yes.

34:04🔗 Adam Who was the last man to have sex with Marilyn Monroe? Thomas Noguchi.

34:14🔗 Drew What? That's good, that's a good one. But I'm not sure Noguchi was, isn't the time frame's off a little bit?

34:24🔗 Adam It's my favorite joke. He's the LA. County coroner.

34:26🔗 Drew But from circa 1978 though.

34:28🔗 Adam No, no, I think he may have been in there. Come on, don't screw with the joke. See if Noguchi was, when did she, 67, 68? Oh, no, no, wait a minute.

34:39🔗 Drew 65.

34:40🔗 Adam 65.

34:40🔗 Drew Well, Kennedy was still around. Must have been 62, 63.

34:43🔗 Adam Oh, yeah, that's right. Well, did she die after Kennedy? Before. Oh, because I think Kennedy killed him, right? Oh, so now we're talking about 62, or maybe the same time, it's like 63. Okay, find out when Thomas Noguchi was the Quincy of Los Angeles County. Danielle? This is gonna take about four hours, about it.

35:04🔗 Drew Don't marry this guy, A.

35:05🔗 Adam Yeah, what's wrong? Were you sexually abused?

35:11🔗 Drew No, something happened when you were like three.

35:13🔗 Adam Before that.

35:13🔗 Drew So when you were like three, four, what happened?

35:14🔗 Adam Yeah, somebody died, house fire, trailer fire.

35:18🔗 Caller House trailer fire?

35:20🔗 Drew No sexual abuse when you were real little?

35:23🔗 Caller No.

35:24🔗 Drew Physical abuse?

35:25🔗 Adam Physical abuse.

35:26🔗 Caller I had to watch my father beat the living crap out of my mother daily.

35:31🔗 Drew There you go, that'll do it.

35:33🔗 Adam Your dad's not a racist, huh?

35:37🔗 Drew We get the sense you'd want to get back at your dad.

35:39🔗 Adam Yeah, what does your dad do for a living?

35:42🔗 Caller He's a butcher, ironically.

35:44🔗 Adam He's a butcher, he's from Missouri, and he beats the crap out of your what? Your mom, but he's not racist.

35:53🔗 Drew Well, what is it about your...

35:54🔗 Adam Hard to imagine, those things all seem to go together.

35:57🔗 Drew Yeah, what is it about your boyfriend that your dad would hate? You don't speak to your dad?

36:06🔗 Adam You don't speak to your dad? Okay, that's lovely.

36:12🔗 Drew She managed to keep him around to traumatize the crap out of you, though. And that means that this kid, this seven-year-old, is probably a dad in the making.

36:20🔗 Adam My mom used to call my dad monkey nipples and I would vomit.

36:23🔗 Drew I'm vomiting just now.

36:32🔗 Adam Oh, my God. This is very sad. And who do you live with? Okay.

36:37🔗 Drew Were your parents addicts, alcoholics?

36:42🔗 Adam How did your mom die?

36:44🔗 Drew No, just my dad.

36:46🔗 Adam What? Breast cancer? All right. Very sad. So here's the deal, Danielle. You getting married at 17 is only gonna dig in deeper. I don't trust this guy.

36:59🔗 Drew You're gonna repeat the cycle. You will repeat the cycle.

37:01🔗 Adam And please don't get.

37:03🔗 Drew After college.

37:03🔗 Adam Okay, after college.

37:05🔗 Drew After graduate school.

37:06🔗 Adam By the way, if the idiots that called this show really meant they were gonna get married after college, you mean when you quit college, not when you've graduated college. Because you didn't graduate college, you get married in your 60s. Right. You're not gonna graduate.

37:20🔗 Drew Yeah.

37:21🔗 Adam Oh, if it was that way, be utopia. It's just when you get tired and stop going to college. Who's going to college? I was. Daniel. You were where? Junior college, right?

37:35🔗 Drew Arizona State from Missouri? So you go there now? You're going to go there? Yeah.

37:48🔗 Adam How are you going to do that?

37:50🔗 Caller I have a scholarship.

37:52🔗 Adam You have a scholarship to go to Arizona State?

37:54🔗 Caller Mm-hmm.

37:55🔗 Adam By the way, when you have a dream to go to a college, Arizona State, it's in the lower 25% academically. Lower than the lower 25%, wow. How did you get the scholarship? You're 17. Are you senior?

38:15🔗 Drew What kind of scholarship is this? Wait, wait. It does not compute.

38:21🔗 Adam Okay, nothing's adding up here.

38:22🔗 Drew Here's a scholarship. It's gonna be some sort of community thing to relocate so she can go live in Arizona.

38:29🔗 Adam She's in the, she is barely starting the 11th grade.

38:33🔗 Drew I know. It does not compute.

38:35🔗 Adam She won a scholarship to go to Arizona State? Is it her parent's dream or my dream? Tell us how the scholarship works.

38:46🔗 Caller It's also the state because of my mother dying. She was my sole supporter. And since I've had A's and B's my entire life, mostly A's, my, it's underneath social security. Also security.

39:06🔗 Drew Yes, you will get some funds to go to college. What does that have to do with Arizona State? I understand that these states tend to share these phenomena but not Arizona. So what does Arizona State have to do with this?

39:35🔗 Caller Yeah, that's the one that I originally picked.

39:38🔗 Adam All right, well. Mazatov, as they say in Missouri. Here's the thing, Danielle.

39:44🔗 Drew Only in Independence.

39:45🔗 Adam We love the idea of you going to Arizona State and pursuing your higher education.

39:51🔗 Drew Away from this guy. Right, away.

39:53🔗 Adam Good, do that on your own. You don't need this guy. I don't trust him. It's a good thing. I don't like him and your radar's off because all the abuse you've had and seen over the years. I feel bad, but you know what? You're on a good path. Don't get pregnant. Keep your grades up high. Take them PSATs and them ASATs and them AAASTs and go to Arizona State. Go far away to the desert.

40:17🔗 Drew That's good, perfect for her.

40:19🔗 Adam You got Thomas Noguchi there?

40:20🔗 Yeah, he's the corner of the stars.

40:22🔗 Drew Yeah, but what years?

40:24🔗 He was 1967.

40:26🔗 Adam Oh, it just missed him.

40:28🔗 Drew To like 88 or something, right?

40:29🔗 Adam He's been around for a while.

40:31🔗 He did celebrities including Marilyn Monroe.

40:34🔗 Adam What?

40:34🔗 I mean, he performed or oversaw autopsies.

40:38🔗 Adam Well, but yeah, see, Drew brings up a good point, which is I had my great Thomas Noguchi corner, you know, who's the last guy in the mix with Marilyn Monroe, a joke, favorite joke, on Thomas Noguchi. But if he came in at 60, I'm going to tell you something. He came in at 67.

40:56🔗 Drew Sort of working in the case.

40:58🔗 Adam No, no, no, possible. Marilyn Monroe died in 60, 63 or 62 or 63, whatever. Here's the thing. Noguchi must have worked as a coroner or junior coroner in the coroner's office and became the coroner.

41:11🔗 Caller He started in 1961, but then...

41:15🔗 Drew When did he stop?

41:17🔗 Caller I don't know.

41:18🔗 Adam Let me tell you something about engineer Chris. You ring him like a bar rag.

41:21🔗 Drew You get it.

41:22🔗 Adam You get it.

41:22🔗 Caller You get that drop out of him.

41:25🔗 Drew That's the point.

41:26🔗 Adam That's fine.

41:26🔗 Drew Yeah, reading is what we want.

41:27🔗 Adam It's fundamental. We'll take ourselves a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Hey, everybody. It's Adam.

41:40🔗 Drew And I'm Dr. Drew.

41:41🔗 Adam Here to talk about Axe Deodorant Body Spray.

41:44🔗 Drew Yes, sir.

41:45🔗 Adam You spray that on, you give stink the Axe. Hey, everybody. And I'm Adam. Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Gary Dorden is coming in here tomorrow night from CSI. I don't know which CSI, the CSI?

42:12🔗 Drew I guess.

42:13🔗 Adam All right, we're gonna figure that out tomorrow night. We should play a little Germany or Florida if anyone has one of those questions they can call on the show. Of course, we'll play a little little accordion countdown at some point. You ready to rock here, Drew?

42:27🔗 Drew There we go.

42:27🔗 Adam Speak to Claire. Oh, a lot of garlic coming out of here. Mm. No.

42:36🔗 Drew Just say.

42:39🔗 Adam Once in a while, I have to belch or something. There's have to be dead air each time.

42:43🔗 Drew Just give it a little, a little, a.

42:44🔗 Adam All right, but go ahead and say the, what if something happens and I get the hiccups or something? You're gonna have to talk.

42:50🔗 Drew Claire, what's going on? 28.

42:52🔗 Adam There we go.

42:53🔗 Drew Claire.

42:53🔗 Adam It would be that uncomfortable to stand. Claire. Claire.

42:58🔗 Drew Yeah, there you go. You're about to get hung up on. Go, ask your question now. Nope, that's it.

43:05🔗 Adam Well, we tried.

43:05🔗 Drew Two.

43:06🔗 Adam Leandra. Leandra, 15. What's up?

43:13🔗 Caller I tend to kind of narrow in on really abusive guys. Yeah, date them a lot. And really, it's kind of starting to scare my mom.

43:23🔗 Drew You're at 15?

43:24🔗 Yeah.

43:26🔗 Adam Where's your dad?

43:28🔗 Caller They're going through a really nasty divorce right now. He's actually my stepdad.

43:32🔗 Drew Where's your biological dad?

43:34🔗 Caller I don't know.

43:34🔗 Drew Okay, were you witnessing abuse from both these gentlemen?

43:40🔗 Caller I never really met my biological dad. He wasn't even there when I was born.

43:45🔗 Drew How about your stepdad? How's he been?

43:48🔗 Caller He was okay in the beginning. And then he started being a really, really a jerk to both me and my mom.

43:55🔗 Drew Well, there you go. There you go. That's your idea of somebody you love is an abuse of a hole.

44:00🔗 Adam Well, how long was he a jerk? When did he, how old were you when he became a jerk?

44:05🔗 Caller I guess like when he lost his job, I was about 11 or 12.

44:11🔗 Adam It's a little later.

44:12🔗 Drew Four years of acting out though, don't you? Yeah.

44:16🔗 Caller It started really late. So I was always used to him being really good to me and my brother, but.

44:21🔗 Adam It's pretty rough when things change that way.

44:23🔗 Drew Is it, do you feel abandoned by him?

44:26🔗 Caller No, not really. I never really got that much attached to him. I just didn't like him being really bad to my mom.

44:35🔗 Adam Mm-hmm. Is it verbally abusive or physically?

44:39🔗 Both. At first, it was really verbally a lot.

44:42🔗 Caller And then in the end, when they were starting to go through divorce, it got physical.

44:46🔗 Adam Let me ask this, Drew. I know it happens a lot. How do adults push other adults around that they're living under the roof with, especially men on women? Like, don't get me wrong, I hate my wife, but I could imagine smacking her. I wouldn't know what to do. I would no sooner smack her than I would smack engineer Chris if he didn't get me coffee or something.

45:11🔗 Drew I don't think it's more often than not. I mean, when people are on drugs or drinking, yes, they will haul off and belt each other. But more often than not, it's somebody's getting very aggressive and out of control and somebody sort of grabs the other person, try to contain them, and then you get some pushing and some swinging back and then up and back.

45:26🔗 Adam Is there a story behind this? No, not engaged in it. She got into the Chardonnay, got a little wild. Okay, here, I just.

45:35🔗 Drew But I can see that could happen to people.

45:37🔗 Adam I know what ends up happening. Here's what ends up happening, I think. There's booze on one side or the other.

45:42🔗 Drew Well, then it goes, yeah, then it goes.

45:44🔗 Adam Listen, I get drunk every night. Here's my point. I can't imagine fighting with a woman, you know, in the house. I mean, I could imagine, I could be so verbally abusive that they would wish I would just punch them and knock them out and stop with the horrible sarcasm and the abuse and the degradation and all that kind of stuff. Yes, they probably wish just a good shot in the belly and get it over with. But I could never imagine hitting a woman or pushing her or strangling her. It doesn't seem, I'm surprised that it's in so many guys' vocabulary. I don't think it's in your vocabulary. It's not a possibility.

46:27🔗 Drew But I think that it's like anything else when people spiral. You know what I mean? It gets away from them and all of a sudden they're pushing each other.

46:35🔗 Adam Does this not mean you want to talk about it?

46:36🔗 Drew No, I just don't think guys very often suck. I think that's sort of.

46:39🔗 Adam That's from the movies.

46:40🔗 Drew Yeah, well, that's drug and alcohol. They're drinking it, using it, then it happens. But I think more often than not, it just sort of, there's like a spiraling.

46:48🔗 Adam All right, it seems that way. Women actually have a worse temper. Women will actually sometimes come at the guy and the next thing you know, everyone's rolling around on the ground. But still the idea that you're a couple of people in your late 30s, early 40s, you're at the house and you're getting a pushing match.

47:06🔗 Drew I know, how dignified is that?

47:07🔗 Adam You're in the entry hall and the guys are strangling each other? It doesn't make sense. Okay, well what does? Leandra? Here's the deal. Whoever you're attracted to, they're the wrong guys. And it's because you grew up in a tough situation. We answer this question every single night. Here's what you need to do. If you're dating the wrong guys, stop dating for a little bit.

47:31🔗 Drew Take time off, get some good friends, spend some time taking care of yourself.

47:34🔗 Adam Recalibrate. If your scope is off, if your sights are off, if your crosshairs are off, quit firing bullets. Stop, recalibrate and then fix it on the target. Yes, Drew?

47:43🔗 Drew Boring guys.

47:44🔗 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

47:46🔗 Caller Here it is.

47:47🔗 Adam Bottom line, it sucks being single today.

47:49🔗 Caller Tons of lame people and no decent prospects.

47:52🔗 Caller Call the Dateline. Call the Dateline. 1-877-889-DATE. So get your problems ready. This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

48:34🔗 Adam The Loveline of Adam. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Still plenty of show to go. We got a Germany or Florida coming up. We have Aces, Ranchero, Mexican, According, Countdown coming up.

48:45🔗 Drew Lots of show. Huge.

48:47🔗 Adam We have to explain Hobo Power.

48:51🔗 Drew Inspiring.

48:52🔗 Adam Strong stuff. Makes you want to work. You want to hear the explanation for Hobo Power. We haven't discussed this in quite some time, which is many years ago, we decided that there should be a unit of measurement for stink because there is a unit for measurement for almost everything. Or I should just say everything. They have different measurements for when you're in the ocean and when you're on land and when you're in the sky.

49:21🔗 Drew Pressures and directions.

49:22🔗 Adam There's PSI. There's British thermal units, BTUs for heat. There's every kind of measurement. But there's no measurement for funk. There's no measurement for stink. And people go, oh man, this guy farted, it was rank. But what does that mean?

49:42🔗 Drew Give me a quantitative number. Tell me, give me a scale.

49:45🔗 Adam That way you know that when you open the old Chinese food that got left out in the fridge or that fish that got left in a cooler for a whole summer that you didn't know and you opened it up and it was all full of maggots. You know that it wasn't just funky. There's a number you can put to it. The same way you know that if a guy got electrocuted, there's a difference between 110 volts and 220 volts. You hear 110, you go, oh, that's smart. You hear 220, you say, oh my God. That's how we got to do it with hobo power. Hobo power is a measurement, a unit of state.

50:18🔗 Drew So when you say 85 hobo power, you're like, oh my God. How did you survive?

50:21🔗 Adam There is no.

50:21🔗 Drew 85, 85 is okay. Hundreds, hundreds are the ones that sound theoretic.

50:26🔗 Adam That's theoretic. Okay, so here's how it goes.

50:28🔗 Drew 85 is approaching death.

50:29🔗 Adam All right, let's see if we can break this down. What is just a garden variety fart that's got a little stink to it, but not too bad?

50:37🔗 Drew 10 hobo. A good robust.

50:40🔗 Adam Good robust part.

50:42🔗 Drew Yeah, a little of the bouquet, eight to 10.

50:44🔗 Adam Eight to 10 hobo. Okay, what is something rotting? You know, like summertime.

50:50🔗 Drew That could get up towards 40.

50:51🔗 Adam Fish, something flesh.

50:53🔗 Drew Because it can make you rash. It can make you rash.

50:54🔗 Adam It can make you rash.

50:55🔗 Drew Yeah, 50 is vomiting.

50:57🔗 Adam 50 is vomiting.

50:58🔗 Drew Yeah.

50:58🔗 Adam 100 is hypothetical.

51:01🔗 Drew I don't know what you're talking about. 100 doesn't exist. It's like absolute zero.

51:04🔗 Adam Yeah.

51:04🔗 Drew 100 hobo is just a theoretical.

51:06🔗 Adam Right, no one's ever been there.

51:07🔗 Drew It's like infinity.

51:08🔗 Adam No one's been there and lived to talk about it.

51:10🔗 Drew Well, I think above 85 and they may not make it through.

51:13🔗 Adam All right, so you would say, so what would, you've done gynecological exams on the homeless women in their 50s?

51:21🔗 Drew 70.

51:22🔗 Adam Oh, really? Haven't taken a shower in a number of months. Really? 65, 70.

51:28🔗 Drew It can physically knock you out of the room.

51:32🔗 Adam Really?

51:32🔗 Drew That's about a 65, 70.

51:33🔗 Adam Really?

51:35🔗 Drew And make you vomit.

51:37🔗 Adam Then there's a psychological component to it, because here's what I'm saying.

51:42🔗 Drew You have fear. Fear starts coming in above 60.

51:44🔗 Adam Here's what I'm saying. If you were sitting in a restaurant and somebody took the vagina of the homeless woman who hadn't showered many years that you examined.

51:56🔗 Drew Who left the tampon in for six months?

51:59🔗 Adam Oh, yes. And was waving it around your head.

52:05🔗 Drew The tampon or the vagina?

52:07🔗 Adam The vagina with the tampon. While you're at the restaurant, you might say, please listen, you might say, someone's getting an anchovy pizza or something like that.

52:17🔗 Drew By the same token, it might make you retch more easily, because you're sort of around food and eating and the smells may react more violently.

52:25🔗 Adam There has been times when I've mistook ass for something else.

52:31🔗 Drew For what?

52:32🔗 Adam No, just smells like, you know, certain things like at first will smell like something.

52:37🔗 Drew If you remember that pizza spill that you were cooking into the microwave last week, that could have easily been mistaken for ass. So it goes the other way too.

52:46🔗 Adam Okay, touche. So the point is, hobo power is a unit of stink.

52:52🔗 Drew Well, we can talk sensibly about it by giving it a numerical value.

52:57🔗 Adam Right, 50 is vomiting.

52:59🔗 Drew That pizza was on 42 hobo power.

53:00🔗 Adam You get to, well, I wouldn't put it in high. 38, 35. At 50, you're vomiting.

53:06🔗 Drew You're vomiting.

53:07🔗 Adam Okay, all right, and 100, you're dead.

53:10🔗 Drew The world comes to this, it black holes.

53:12🔗 Adam It implodes. It implodes, okay. All right, and at 110, engineer Chris graduates from junior college. So, it's actually a little bit further than world of blood. Here we go. Now, it's all gone. It's all gone according to plan. If your plan was never to graduate.

53:30🔗 Drew And so, you know, it's not a descriptive term. So, the 40 stock worth, 40 stock of asparagus worth of acidic urine was a good 30 hobo, I'd say. But it was not the same kind of food for the fish or the butt.

53:48🔗 Adam Yeah, here's the thing, too. You guys can't abuse the hobo power because if you just start labeling every fart of 50, then it loses all reason.

53:59🔗 Drew No, it has to reflect reality.

54:00🔗 Adam Thank you. All right.

54:02🔗 Drew You have to vomit.

54:04🔗 Adam All right, where are we going? Talking to Claire? I'm gonna do a Germany or Florida.

54:07🔗 Drew All right, go ahead.

54:08🔗 Adam Germany or Florida. Here we go, Max.

54:10🔗 Hey, how's it going, guys?

54:12🔗 Adam Time to play a little something we call Germany or Florida.

54:14🔗 All right.

54:16🔗 Okay, here's the story.

54:18🔗 A man was killing an unwanted litter of puppies with a handgun. When he placed the handgun down on the bench, The puppy shot him. The puppy stepped on it and shot him in the wrist.

54:30🔗 Adam This was one. I think it was Germany. It was, or maybe it wasn't. I think it was.

54:36🔗 Drew We heard it twice, I think, even.

54:38🔗 Adam They did this one on the Killborn show or whatever the hell they're calling it. I did a Germany or Florida on the Late Late Show.

54:46🔗 Drew This was the one.

54:46🔗 Adam This was one of them, yeah. So we had this one. Now, here's the beauty of us. I did the show. I can't remember what it was. You know why? Because I think the audience picked it and...

54:57🔗 Drew But we'd done it on the show the night before, this show, and my sense is Germany. That's why I'm vague about it.

55:03🔗 Adam The handgun part feels Florida. The killing puppies part feels Germany. I think we're going Germany.

55:10🔗 Adam struck down the perfect record. It's Florida.

55:16🔗 Adam Oh, all made even more insulting by the fact that I did this on national television three, four weeks ago.

55:21🔗 Drew The fact that it was such a prevalent story here would make you think US.

55:25🔗 Adam That's a good point. Although I know it seems prevalent. I only heard it because some PAs pulled it up over it. Keep calling it Killborn, the late late show.

55:36🔗 It was all over the news here too.

55:37🔗 Caller But you know what, since you got it right last time, it just cancels out.

55:39🔗 Adam All right, a broken even. Thank you, thank you Anderson.

55:45🔗 Drew Oh, Claire, the guy who did the Germany or Florida theme song is on there. Wanna just get a close up of the edition.

55:50🔗 Adam Theo. Hey, you're 27. You did the theme song for us? I did indeed.

55:55🔗 Caller I was actually disappointed that y'all didn't just play. You played it the last few nights and given us so many compliments. I've been feeling a warm.

56:00🔗 Drew Why don't you just sing it?

56:01🔗 Adam I enjoy it. I don't think it's amongst Anderson's favorites. And you don't push Anderson.

56:08🔗 Caller I think when you said deceptively good, that was my favorite description of what it was.

56:12🔗 Adam Well, here's why I call your Germany or Florida theme deceptively good, because it's not good, but yet you like it. So it's hard to argue with that. And when it comes to a song, you see, okay, here's what I'm saying.

56:26🔗 Drew You need to feel honored.

56:28🔗 Adam No, no, no, I gotta talk to you, Drew. You know, you can't say that about aircraft. Like, well, I really enjoy this aircraft, although it's not a good aircraft. That doesn't make sense. You can do it with stuff like, you can do it with like Hostess cupcakes and Twinkies and stuff, and McDonald's. You can do it with like fast food-

56:47🔗 Drew And some aesthetic things.

56:48🔗 Adam Yeah, you go like, I know that McDonald's is not a good burger. I just like it. Yeah, for what it is.

56:53🔗 Drew It has the aesthetic value.

56:54🔗 Adam Yeah, this is not a good song and not a good theme song, but it gets under your skin and there's something catchy about it, which arguably is better than it being good. Good doesn't necessarily catch on.

57:03🔗 Drew And I was looking forward to a live rendition.

57:06🔗 Adam Okay, Theo, what do you think? What do you think, buddy?

57:09🔗 Caller Things are sick and twisted from too much sun and Nazis, sex, meth, and death fetishes, both of them have got these, guaranteed not to bore ya Germany or Florida.

57:19🔗 Adam Yeah, buddy.

57:20🔗 Drew Here's what I like about Theo's rendition. By the time he gets to that last refrain, he's cracking his own ass up. You can feel the smile.

57:27🔗 Adam And he jumps right into it. There's none of that, well, it's pretty late over here in Virginia. I wasn't prepared. I didn't call. No, pow.

57:35🔗 Caller I have formal radio training. So I'm prepared for you.

57:38🔗 Adam You're a true pro. And Theo, what is it you said you did? I don't remember.

57:42🔗 Caller Well, I'm an amateur standup and I do writing. And now since I've talked to y'all last, I actually got a job in morning radio. I'm kind of a danger boy type guy.

57:51🔗 Adam Really? You go out on the streets and do stunts?

57:54🔗 Caller I go out and do all the dumb stunts I can get myself into.

57:57🔗 Adam I remember you can get, you know, let me say, hey Theo.

58:02🔗 Caller Yeah.

58:03🔗 Drew Yeah.

58:03🔗 Adam Thanks, buddy.

58:04🔗 Drew God bless you.

58:04🔗 Adam Thanks for contributing to the show.

58:06🔗 Caller Well, hey, I have a new song for Ace's According to the Stone.

58:09🔗 Adam You do.

58:09🔗 Drew Oh my God.

58:11🔗 Adam Wow. And you're going to sing it acapella again?

58:13🔗 Drew We got to play it as soon as he finishes the song, though. Can I give him some music for backup?

58:17🔗 Adam Do we have, we don't know what kind of song it is yet.

58:19🔗 Caller I could do the song and then y'all could just add some music to it. As you found something appropriate.

58:24🔗 Caller That means work for me.

58:26🔗 Adam That means Anderson may have to move his finger.

58:28🔗 Caller Hey, just to let you know, Theo, I don't dislike your song.

58:31🔗 Caller It's just hard to work it in because it's kind of longer.

58:33🔗 Caller That's all.

58:34🔗 Drew All right.

58:34🔗 Caller But I just got that last one and it's nice and smooth.

58:36🔗 Caller So I think I'll use it more.

58:38🔗 Adam Let's hear what you got.

58:39🔗 Drew I was humming it the other day.

58:40🔗 Adam A new Germany or Florida theme. Well, I was humming the Pete Ellis Dodge theme. It doesn't mean I like it.

58:46🔗 Drew This is a Germany, Florida theme. It's an Ace's Ranchero theme.

58:49🔗 Adam Oh, it is?

58:49🔗 Caller Yeah, Ace's accordion countdown.

58:51🔗 Adam Oh, all right.

58:53🔗 Caller I wanna cover all the games on the show.

58:55🔗 Adam Here we go. Well, let's hear it.

58:56🔗 Drew What other ones we have?

58:57🔗 Caller 14, nine, immediately two, whatcha, whatcha, whatcha, whatcha, whatcha gonna do? Mexican musicians breaking it down. Ace's accordion countdown.

59:10🔗 Adam Come on, Drew, clap it up. You know, I think the bar was set so high with the Germany or Florida, it was tough to get.

59:22🔗 Drew This one comes around though.

59:23🔗 Caller It's got potential.

59:27🔗 Adam You start off with a huh? And then by the end it's like, oh, okay.

59:31🔗 Caller A little Beastie Boys ask.

59:32🔗 Caller I didn't record it though, that's the problem.

59:34🔗 Adam All right, well Theo, you know what that means.

59:36🔗 Caller I gotta do it again.

59:37🔗 Adam I'm gonna have to do it again. Are you ready, Anderson?

59:40🔗 Caller Yeah, we're rolling.

59:41🔗 Adam All right, here we go.

59:43🔗 Caller 14, nine, immediately two. Whatcha, whatcha, whatcha, whatcha, whatcha gonna do? Mexican musicians breaking it down. Uneated accordion, countdown.

59:54🔗 Adam All right, see, I'll tell you what, that's gonna work as a placeholder until we find a decent song. No, that's awesome, buddy. I wish we had something. I wish we had-

1:00:04🔗 Drew Did you have to offer him in return?

1:00:05🔗 Adam I wish we had windbreakers or just paperweights or anything on this program that we could actually send out after 20 years.

1:00:12🔗 Caller Here's what you can do. If you end up making the cartoon with the chief thunder bear, then I can write the theme song for that.

1:00:20🔗 Adam All right, and whenever you're gonna be out in LA next year, come by and see us.

1:00:24🔗 Caller Oh, if I took you seriously on that, you'd see me soon.

1:00:26🔗 Adam Well, come on out. We'll treat you like a king.

1:00:29🔗 Caller All right, consider it done.

1:00:30🔗 Adam All right, deal. For about, we gotta move out to Virginia. We'll miss him in the air.

1:00:35🔗 Drew You'll let him sit in this booth here for two hours.

1:00:37🔗 Adam You can watch me get coffee in my sweatpants.

1:00:40🔗 Drew Slippers.

1:00:41🔗 Adam Slippers, and argue with Drew going down the hall, complaining about something that probably we're just talking about on the air. All right, where are we, Drew?

1:00:48🔗 Drew Here we go.

1:00:48🔗 Adam What's going on?

1:00:49🔗 Drew You wanna do, we have to play Ace's Ranchero now.

1:00:52🔗 Adam Well, it does seem like it's begging for it.

1:00:54🔗 Drew Nancy had something to add to the game.

1:00:56🔗 Adam All right. Nancy? What's up?

1:01:00🔗 Caller Oh, I found this great band that you guys might like and use for your Ace's recording countdown.

1:01:05🔗 Adam Oh, really?

1:01:05🔗 Caller Yeah, they're called the Gran Silencio, and they're not really completely ranchero music, but they add elements of like sky and rock and.

1:01:13🔗 Drew Wow, they're called what? What are they called?

1:01:16🔗 Caller Gran Silencio.

1:01:16🔗 Adam What, the big silence?

1:01:18🔗 Caller No, yeah, the great silence and Gran Silencio.

1:01:22🔗 Adam No, Gran, oh, Gran's not big, it's great.

1:01:28🔗 Caller And they have accordion, they have the trumpets and everything, but they add like everything to it.

1:01:33🔗 Drew Chris, get on that, find out.

1:01:34🔗 Adam Yeah, thank you, Nancy. That's not gonna work though. We need super traditional ranchero music.

1:01:39🔗 Drew Well, maybe this will be.

1:01:41🔗 Adam Drew, stop eating nuts. All right, Chris, do you have any ranchero music?

1:01:49🔗 Drew Or Anderson, he's got it, right?

1:01:50🔗 Adam Well, Anderson gets it off a different source and sometimes it's not always ready and it sounds crappier. It sounds better.

1:01:57🔗 Drew Better music, that's it. I really am about to trans-bord it.

1:02:00🔗 Adam I hear clinging to that. It's the same crappy music, whether Anderson plays it or Chris plays it.

1:02:04🔗 Caller Yesterday you liked Anderson's music, so.

1:02:07🔗 Adam That's stupid Drew.

1:02:10🔗 Drew How could you argue with that?

1:02:12🔗 Adam I'm going to argue with it when Chris use his crap up. We should actually have dueling Ranchero music. You really want to kill yourself. Let's try playing them. Can we play them simultaneously? That would be a fate worse than death.

1:02:26🔗 Caller I bet it would sound normal.

1:02:27🔗 Adam Really? It might just come around.

1:02:29🔗 Caller Well, they all sound like the exact same song.

1:02:31🔗 Adam So if you. Do you, how dare you make fun of Ranchero music, Anderson?

1:02:34🔗 Drew I am offended.

1:02:36🔗 Adam Let me explain something. You know when bands that are cover bands say, oh no, we're not a cover band, we're a tribute band. That's what this is. This is not to make fun. Yeah, this is not, we're not trying to make fun of Ranchero music. This is tribute to Ranchero music.

1:02:52🔗 Drew Tribute to the stuff that comes out of like horses' asses? No, Anderson. Anderson, Anderson. Gentlemen, please, this gotta hurt.

1:03:00🔗 Adam This is a whole brand of music. How would you like it if a guy with a giant guitar and a huge hat and a crazy vest that was too tight for him made fun of your music, your pressure?

1:03:13🔗 Drew Your film making.

1:03:13🔗 Adam Your radio head.

1:03:14🔗 Drew Your film making, too.

1:03:16🔗 Adam Your radio head, no. Yes, your highfalutin band.

1:03:20🔗 Caller I was just, exclusively Ranchero music.

1:03:22🔗 Adam I will say that Ranchero music is just as valid as classical jazz or any other form, and it's probably arguably influenced more performers.

1:03:33🔗 Drew Historically more relevant.

1:03:34🔗 Adam Thank you. Now, what do you got there, Chris?

1:03:37🔗 Drew Think of all the construction that's been inspired by that music.

1:03:40🔗 Adam This country was.

1:03:41🔗 Drew The city was built on it.

1:03:41🔗 Adam This country was built.

1:03:42🔗 Drew This city was built on it.

1:03:44🔗 Adam To the beat of Ranchero music. Yeah, all right, play a little there, Anderson, and we'll get Chris playing. We'll see how it sounds together, because they may cancel each other out. Now, by the way, this is what it sounds like when I get between the stucco guys who are working on one side of the house, and the guys who are doing the cinder block wall on the other side of the house. That's when you get that sweet spot right in the border where your right ear is hearing the ranch arm music out of the cinder block, guys. Your left ear is hearing after the stucco guy.

1:04:14🔗 Drew And what's your reaction?

1:04:15🔗 Adam Well, it doesn't sound worse, I can tell you that, which may not be a bad sign. Wow.

1:04:25🔗 Drew Sounded a little better.

1:04:26🔗 Adam It actually sounds a little better. How dare both of you. You're right, you're right, Drew.

1:04:31🔗 Drew I'm just saying.

1:04:31🔗 Adam It's an homage.

1:04:32🔗 Drew Just saying.

1:04:33🔗 Adam Please.

1:04:34🔗 Drew Claire, yeah, but still.

1:04:35🔗 Adam Claire.

1:04:35🔗 Hello.

1:04:36🔗 Drew Yes.

1:04:37🔗 Adam What's happening?

1:04:40🔗 Okay, I have a question for you. I have been married for going on seven years now to a man. And he's like the first real male relationship I've ever had.

1:04:54🔗 Drew What do you mean? What about the, explain yourself.

1:04:56🔗 Yeah, real. Let's see, my very first relationship, if you wanna call it a relationship, I was seven years old and it was with a girl for eight years.

1:05:05🔗 Drew Well, that's not a real, seven, you mean somebody was sexually abusing you when you were seven?

1:05:10🔗 No, I was with the girl. She was eight, I was seven. We were together having foreplay and oral sex together.

1:05:17🔗 Drew Yeah, Claire, that's a child sexually abusing you. Child on child sexual abuse is rather common. And when an adult gets their hands on a child-

1:05:25🔗 Adam How dare you, they were in love.

1:05:27🔗 Drew Yeah, when an adult gets their hands on a child, the child will then do those things to other children. That is a form of sexual abuse that you were being sort of subjected to.

1:05:35🔗 Adam How dare you undermine what they had.

1:05:37🔗 Drew I know, but that's what happens, Claire. So you were sexually abused. You were sexually abused by a peer for many, many years as a child. Ooh.

1:05:47🔗 Okay. And then my next relationship was also with a girl.

1:05:51🔗 Drew Of course, that's how it goes.

1:05:52🔗 And then she was killed by a drunk driver or else we would probably still be together to this day.

1:05:59🔗 Adam Now did the drunk driver just hit him in the car or did they actually just get out of the car and shoot him?

1:06:05🔗 No, he was driving a semi-truck and he was doing 85 miles an hour down a 30 mile per hour road, ran a red light and he bonked her truck and it killed her instantly. It actually decapitated her because of how hard he hit her.

1:06:20🔗 Adam Hold on one second. Oh, by the way, you don't have to do the decapitation math. What, was her head not attached very well? It just rolled off or? No, no, he was driving a semi, he was doing 85.

1:06:33🔗 Drew I think he said she was driving the semi. That's what I was trying to figure out.

1:06:36🔗 Adam No, no, she was in the intersection. He was going 85 and a 30.

1:06:40🔗 Drew With a semi 85 and a 30?

1:06:42🔗 Adam Well, 60, good enough.

1:06:44🔗 Drew 60 and a 30, good enough. Semi?

1:06:46🔗 Adam He ran a red light, he t-boned her and decapitated her. I'm just saying, wouldn't it be ironic if you were killed by a drunk driver who wasn't actually in their car? They broke your house drunk and they shot you.

1:06:59🔗 Drew It happens, I'm sure.

1:07:00🔗 Adam Take a long explanation every time you did it.

1:07:02🔗 Drew Killed by a drunk driver, but listen to the deal. 85 mile t-bone vaporizes your car.

1:07:08🔗 Adam That's right. All right, that's what happened. She was killed. All right, and Claire sounds kind of butch, kind of angry and it doesn't sound like a kind of gal who'd want to be with a guy. But she married a guy. Is she married to the guy or is she just with him? Are you married to this guy?

1:07:27🔗 Yes, I am married to this guy. He was my best friend before we got married.

1:07:31🔗 Adam Okay, why did you make the move over to Lads if you'd been with the Lasses all these years?

1:07:38🔗 I really don't know. I just completely fell head over heels for him. Really? And we went on one date, we both completely broke our rules on that one date and I moved in with him three days later. And we have been together ever since. And we have three children.

1:07:56🔗 Adam Drew's rules, Drew's first date rules is never buy lobster, always get a BJ. He actually wore it on a laminated wristband like quarterbacks wear in the NFL, it would check it. Surf and turf, hold on, hold on.

1:08:12🔗 Drew I actually had an audible for that.

1:08:14🔗 Adam Oh really, it would check off at the line. So Claire, and now you're thinking about women again.

1:08:20🔗 Oh, I've always been thinking about women and he knows that.

1:08:24🔗 Adam Oh, he knows it.

1:08:25🔗 He actually, we watch the movies together and we read the magazines together and stuff like that and he uses that with me during our sex.

1:08:38🔗 Adam He uses what with you?

1:08:39🔗 In order for me to have an orgasm, I have to think about women. If I think about him, it's gone.

1:08:45🔗 Adam There is him. Make sure you make that abundantly clear to him next time you guys are in the bedroom.

1:08:50🔗 Drew So what's your question?

1:08:52🔗 Adam I know, I know. No, no, please don't tell him that.

1:08:56🔗 Drew Please don't tell him.

1:08:58🔗 Adam Okay, we don't have to. Now you have two children.

1:09:01🔗 Yes.

1:09:02🔗 Adam And your family of origin, what's up? Alcohol? What's going on with that?

1:09:07🔗 Drew Abandonment.

1:09:08🔗 Oh my God, my dad left me when I was a year old because he was an alcoholic and a drug addict. And my mom left me when I was a year and a half because he was a serious drug addict.

1:09:20🔗 Adam You're a drug addict, abandoned.

1:09:25🔗 Abandoned, sexually abused by my mom's boyfriend.

1:09:27🔗 Drew Claire, you've had every possible disaster.

1:09:31🔗 Yeah.

1:09:32🔗 Drew Trauma, every trauma.

1:09:33🔗 If it happens, it would probably happen to me.

1:09:36🔗 Adam Yeah, all right, now here's the whole thing, Claire. Although we could tell most of these things happen to you, but it's the sound of your voice, you sound like you're relatively stable.

1:09:46🔗 Drew You're holding it together, yeah.

1:09:47🔗 Adam For someone who's been through what you've been through.

1:09:49🔗 Drew It's interesting, almost like that relationship with the girl kept her patched together for a while. Yeah. Having a relationship, even though I understand you conceived of it as something different than it was, it probably kept you pieced together a little bit.

1:10:02🔗 Adam Here's the whole thing.

1:10:03🔗 Caller I went through like four years of anger management and I've seen my 22 therapists. My doctor now even is trying to get me mentally stable because I'm bipolar.

1:10:14🔗 Drew You're a little manic right now.

1:10:15🔗 Adam All right, Claire, let me explain to you what the truth is. Are you ready? And please understand I'm a genius. You are always gonna have thoughts about going a different direction. You have a fantasy that if you're with a woman, somehow things would straighten itself out, you would feel better. You will never feel better. Because of your past, there'll always be a part of you that's a little uncomfortable in the current relationship you're in.

1:10:43🔗 Drew Uncomfortable in anything comfortable.

1:10:45🔗 Adam Thank you. You have two kids.

1:10:48🔗 Caller Yes.

1:10:49🔗 Adam This guy's a good guy.

1:10:50🔗 Caller He's wonderful.

1:10:53🔗 Adam Stop reading the Chick magazines. This whole, you know, your relationship satisfies your every need. Doesn't work that way. You end up getting in a relationship that works, but there's always a shortcoming in this department or that department. That's fine. You work at it. Good. You got a guy. Stay with him. Focus on your kids.

1:11:14🔗 Drew Simple, simple, simple.

1:11:15🔗 Adam Have your fantasies. Don't act them out. Focus on the kids. No more kids. Stay in therapy. Fine. Your impulse is gonna be to make trouble.

1:11:24🔗 Drew Don't listen to it.

1:11:25🔗 Adam You're stable. Don't move.

1:11:27🔗 Drew Get the meds stabilized. The bipolar, you can feel it push it through there, can't you?

1:11:31🔗 Adam Yes. Yes. And it'd be nice if someone put a bullet in your dad's head.

1:11:37🔗 Drew He's gone, right?

1:11:38🔗 Adam Well, someone's dead, but then the stepdad, whoever did the sexual abusing, really.

1:11:44🔗 Drew Don't you get a sense of that relationship with the little girl? See, she had kept her connected as a human being, you know, kept her sort of.

1:11:51🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:11:51🔗 Drew Yeah. As bad, as traumatizing as that can be. It worked for them somehow.

1:11:57🔗 Adam All right.

1:11:58🔗 Drew That's my sense, anyway. All right.

1:12:00🔗 Adam Let's, let's.

1:12:02🔗 Drew We gotta find out how the girl is. Wait, wait, do you mind?

1:12:05🔗 Adam No.

1:12:05🔗 Drew Please. Hey, Claire.

1:12:08🔗 Caller Yes?

1:12:09🔗 Drew What happened to the girl you were with when you were a child?

1:12:11🔗 Adam She didn't.

1:12:11🔗 Caller When I was a child.

1:12:13🔗 Drew What happened to her?

1:12:13🔗 Caller Her parents actually took her away and moved to out of the country, to Germany.

1:12:18🔗 Drew So you don't know anything out of the country? You don't know anything about her now?

1:12:22🔗 Caller No.

1:12:24🔗 Drew There you go, satisfying.

1:12:26🔗 Adam Yeah, never learn your lesson, do you?

1:12:29🔗 Drew Never will. You never learned your lesson about me never learning my lesson.

1:12:33🔗 Adam Oh, I've known it. I just, there's nothing I can do to physically restrain you.

1:12:37🔗 Drew I know, but you never learned your lesson.

1:12:38🔗 Adam No, I learned my lesson. I should come in here with a goddamn dart gun and put it in your neck.

1:12:44🔗 Drew Curare.

1:12:45🔗 Adam Curare, right in the neck. All right, we're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Hey, everybody, Loveline and Adam. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Gary Durden is gonna be in here tomorrow night from C-S-I Crime Scene Investigation. You know, there's really, and there's like JAG, and it's like, I don't even know what's a Attorney General or something. I don't even know what the JAG, I sit around once in a while, my head starts spinning with all that stuff.

1:13:43🔗 Drew No, don't do it.

1:13:44🔗 Adam We'll get to it. All right, what are we doing here?

1:13:47🔗 Drew We're talking about Eric.

1:13:48🔗 Adam I'm talking to Eric. Eric?

1:13:51🔗 Good evening.

1:13:52🔗 Adam You're 19.

1:13:54🔗 Caller Yeah, I was wondering what caused the crooked penis and how to cure it.

1:13:59🔗 Drew How crooked are we talking about here?

1:14:01🔗 Caller It's not real crooked, but it's noticeable.

1:14:05🔗 Drew Well, a certain amount of curve, normal, right?

1:14:07🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:14:08🔗 Caller Well, it leans, like, to the left, and it kind of leans so much that my girlfriend actually says something about it.

1:14:15🔗 Drew It hurts her?

1:14:18🔗 Caller No, it does not hurt her, but it just kind of, she makes fun of me, bro.

1:14:23🔗 Drew Is it sort of the hockey stick, or is it the banana curve?

1:14:26🔗 Caller Banana.

1:14:28🔗 Drew Well, this is something's gotten worse as you've gotten older?

1:14:31🔗 Caller Exactly, and I heard a couple theories about why it gets like that.

1:14:35🔗 Drew Oh, please, please tell us what your theories are.

1:14:37🔗 Caller Well, one, the major one that I heard was because of masturbation.

1:14:43🔗 Drew Anything else?

1:14:43🔗 Adam Anything else?

1:14:44🔗 Caller That's basically it.

1:14:46🔗 Drew Okay, but you can cause, if I traumatize you, you can cause some scarring, and if you're vigorously masturbating, I guess you could. But for the most part.

1:14:54🔗 Adam Like a slam in the cab door to get it to do that.

1:14:57🔗 Drew And then the scarring on one side does pull the penis to that side, and 800 units of vitamin E a day may help that. And short of that, or the only other option, really, is surgery, which I wouldn't recommend unless you're having functional problems, like you can't sustain erections, or your girlfriend's having severe, wife's having severe pain with any of that sort of thing.

1:15:16🔗 Adam Let me ask you a semi-retarded, possibly gay question. But it seems like the guys who get the stronger erections pull more.

1:15:27🔗 Drew You're gay.

1:15:27🔗 Adam Is there something to that?

1:15:28🔗 Drew You're gay.

1:15:28🔗 Adam Well, there's no doubt, since we're on this by gay, by the way.

1:15:32🔗 Drew The stronger erections.

1:15:34🔗 Adam Yeah, I've seen the porn movies, the guys with the bent penises look like that thing's, I mean, you know what it looks like? It's like there's walking a dog and then there's a dog's pulling you. That bent penis looks like the dog's going after something.

1:15:47🔗 Drew I wonder if that's just a function of the way it fits because of the scarring.

1:15:52🔗 Adam Maybe, but it always seems like the more, my boners got about, if my boner was a tire, it had about 28 pounds of pressure on it, where these boners are in the 50s. I mean, a lot of pressure. Yes? You know a move I like in the porn film where the guy's got a little too much, a little too much scepter to handle. And you know, the thing about the guys with the huge dorks, they don't stay rock hard all the time. It's just they can't afford it. There's only so much blood in their body and their brain needs some and, you know, eyes and joints and every other part needs them. So it's sort of in and out.

1:16:31🔗 Drew It's made of steel.

1:16:32🔗 Adam Yeah, and you know how they get it, they get it cracking sometimes. They just pull it out and they whack it a couple times on something like it was one of those light sticks, pow, and it gets going.

1:16:42🔗 Drew Nice.

1:16:42🔗 Adam You ever see that move?

1:16:43🔗 Drew No, I can't say I have.

1:16:45🔗 Adam Chris, you know what I'm talking about, right? That little snap? Sure, buddy. All right, where are we, Drew? What's going on? Heather? Let's talk to Heather. Heather's, Heather, 14.

1:16:57🔗 Yeah.

1:16:58🔗 Adam What's up?

1:17:00🔗 I'm 14, and I usually date people my own age. This guy that I like now that's 19, and like, I don't...

1:17:10🔗 Adam I like when they start talking in the porn movies.

1:17:13🔗 Drew You do?

1:17:13🔗 Adam The guy starts, I like when the guy just, he does the thing, he goes, I don't know, I want to say the word, but he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, lick the shlong. Yeah, you love it. You love that shlong. They take it, you know, they just keep talking about it.

1:17:27🔗 Drew That's gotta be a director going, you say this, say that. No human actually says that spontaneously.

1:17:32🔗 Adam Yeah, no guy ever says that. You don't want to risk it. By the way, you don't want to say anything.

1:17:37🔗 Drew What makes these people create programming, so to speak, where the people do things that humans don't ever do? Well, what's in it for them?

1:17:45🔗 Adam I see a Nick Cage movie. No one ever does that. Thank you. Drew, let me translate, Drew.

1:17:55🔗 Drew I can't argue with that.

1:17:56🔗 Adam Heather?

1:17:57🔗 Yeah?

1:17:58🔗 Adam You're 14?

1:17:59🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:17:59🔗 Adam All right, so what's going on?

1:18:01🔗 Drew You're dating a 19-year-old, and?

1:18:02🔗 Caller Well, I know that that's kind of illegal.

1:18:06🔗 Caller Mm-hmm.

1:18:08🔗 Drew Yep, if you're having sex with him, certainly it is. It's not illegal, but it's just creepy now. It's creepy, and he could be perceived as contributing to the delinquency of our lives.

1:18:21🔗 Adam He can. And what grade are you in at 14? Ninth grade.

1:18:28🔗 Drew And he's at his third year of junior college.

1:18:30🔗 Adam Well, he's not going to junior college.

1:18:32🔗 Drew Third year of welding.

1:18:33🔗 Adam Yes. What's he do? Work with metal?

1:18:37🔗 Caller No, he works at the Ram. The Ram?

1:18:39🔗 Adam He works at the Ram. He works at a gay bar. He cooks?

1:18:47🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:18:48🔗 Adam What's the Ram, by the way? Why would you think we would know the name of this restaurant? You don't know?

1:18:56🔗 Drew That's what I'm asking. How do you think we would sort of perceive what you said?

1:19:01🔗 Adam I don't mean to pick on you, but I'm interested in knowing the thinking. My whole thing is I hide in the high brush and study the elusive tart and I try to get their mating rituals and all that. Why would we know the name of the restaurant that this guy works in unless it's a large chain? Is it a chain?

1:19:20🔗 Caller People that live around where I live know what it is, so I don't know. Right.

1:19:25🔗 Drew Where do you think we live?

1:19:26🔗 Adam I think we're in the Tacoma area.

1:19:27🔗 Drew Where do you think we live?

1:19:28🔗 Adam Tacoma area?

1:19:29🔗 Caller I don't know.

1:19:31🔗 Adam Okay.

1:19:33🔗 Drew By the way, is that what you were thinking? We live where you live so we know what the Ram is?

1:19:35🔗 Caller Sure.

1:19:37🔗 Adam Okay. And even so, do you think most of the people who live in Tacoma know what the Ram is?

1:19:42🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:19:43🔗 Adam Really? It's a very popular restaurant?

1:19:46🔗 Caller Yeah, kind of.

1:19:50🔗 Adam So, the point is, he's a cook there.

1:19:53🔗 Drew By the way, I'd be curious to hear from any other Tacomaites about the Ram.

1:19:58🔗 Adam He's a cook there, right? Yeah. And what's their specialty? Mountain sheep?

1:20:05🔗 Caller What?

1:20:10🔗 Adam And he just sits back there and dips the fries all night, right?

1:20:14🔗 Caller Sure.

1:20:16🔗 Adam And how did you meet him?

1:20:18🔗 Caller My older sister.

1:20:20🔗 Adam Mm-mm. And where's your dad? Is your father around?

1:20:23🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:20:24🔗 Adam And does he approve of this or does he know?

1:20:27🔗 Caller He doesn't know.

1:20:29🔗 Drew Yeah, you can just leave it there, Heather. No more. No more. Bad things. These laws are in place to protect you. A 19-year-old that has sex with a 14-year-old is a bad guy. And when you're 19, you'll be able to see that. Now, it seems like very sort of appealing and almost validating. When you see the 19-year-old that is with the 14-year-old, when you're 19, you will retch.

1:20:53🔗 Adam Think how many points you get as a guy for being four or five years older.

1:20:59🔗 Drew Just being older.

1:20:59🔗 Adam Just being older. Meanwhile, to all other 19-year-olds, this guy is a tremendous loser.

1:21:03🔗 Drew Tremendous.

1:21:05🔗 Adam The bottom of the bottom. He's a slinging hash. At a place named after horned sheep.

1:21:11🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:21:12🔗 Adam He's driving a pile of ass. He's living at home. It's a disaster. He can get... Driving. Maybe he's driving a pile of ass. Yeah. If he's lucky. If he's driving anything at all. Or he has a really nice moped. He has his choice. The point is, he's a loser 10 times over. The only one he's a winner to is someone who's older than, because you're automatically a winner. You have a driver's license. You have a couple of dollars in your pocket. You have the keys to a piece of ass. You're so far ahead of this person. You know what it's sort of like? Here's what it's like. You know what it's like, Drew? The world's toughest guy, like Muhammad Ali or Jean-Claude Van Damme. When Jean-Claude Van Damme, no, nay, Stephen Seagal. When Stephen Seagal was 10, there wasn't a 15-year-old in his junior high that couldn't have kicked his ass.

1:22:06🔗 Drew Right. Yes.

1:22:08🔗 Adam Doesn't mean the guy's tougher or better or going to be better or anything. It's just, that's what that five years, that's what that does. There's not a 19-year-old that can't date a 14-year-old.

1:22:17🔗 Drew That's right.

1:22:17🔗 Adam No matter what a loser is. There's not a 15-year-old that couldn't have kicked a 10, 11-year-old Stephen Seagal's ass.

1:22:22🔗 Drew But this is the point. Only the bully, loser 15-year-olds would pick on a 10-year-old, and only the a-hole, total loser 19-year-old would date a 14-year-old.

1:22:31🔗 Adam I still say, as a 15-year-old, you should kick all 10-year-old ass just on the off chance that one of those guys might be heavyweight champion of the world one day. So you can say, oh yeah, I gave him a good beating in high school. You know what I'm saying?

1:22:45🔗 Drew They can't argue with you. Can't argue. Yeah.

1:22:51🔗 Adam No, no. Uh-huh.

1:22:56🔗 Caller Huh?

1:22:56🔗 Drew Uh-huh.

1:22:57🔗 Adam Uh-huh.

1:22:59🔗 Caller Very good.

1:23:00🔗 Adam Chris. Chris.

1:23:02🔗 Caller Uh-huh.

1:23:02🔗 Drew Just like Adam.

1:23:03🔗 Caller Uh-huh.

1:23:03🔗 Drew No, no. Uh-huh.

1:23:06🔗 Adam Okay, right? How cute, right? Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

1:23:09🔗 Drew There we go. You actually didn't do it good, Adam. One more.

1:23:16🔗 Adam By the way, how can I screw up the odds? It's mine. All right. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:23:28🔗 Caller Hello, this is your radio.

1:23:34🔗 Adam What are women most attracted to?

1:23:36🔗 Drew Confident guys.

1:23:37🔗 Adam That's right. You can't buy that confidence. At least you couldn't until now.

1:23:40🔗 Drew What do we got?

1:23:41🔗 Adam You got Axe deodorant body spray.

1:23:43🔗 Drew Oh my God.

1:23:44🔗 Adam Spray that on? It's like slathering on the confidence. I gotta tell you what, Drew. Look out, boy. We got some show planned tonight, boy. We got a lot of show. Mucho Gigante. It's a big, big, large, it's a much, much, large.

1:24:11🔗 Drew Why is that funny?

1:24:13🔗 Caller It's funny when you say it.

1:24:13🔗 Adam That's cool. Yeah.

1:24:16🔗 Drew How should I say it?

1:24:17🔗 Caller I don't even know.

1:24:18🔗 Drew By the way, Rondes éxitos en español.

1:24:21🔗 Adam Someone was saying grand earlier, they were talking about the grand, the mext silencio. And we kept saying big silence and she was saying no, something else silence. She was saying grand.

1:24:34🔗 Drew She said grande silencio. And then when she said the grand silence.

1:24:37🔗 Adam The grand ballroom and it is grand. And by the way, that's from the best of Huelhauser. That's why, by the way, this is what you get everybody, when this is communism. That's public television. That's what you get when there's no competition. You get Huelhauser on there for 44 years. So you cook the, now like your family has been making menudo for how many years? 105 years, Huel. 105 years. That's what I said, Huel. And where do you ship it out from? Well, we have a loading dock. A loading dock.

1:25:27🔗 Drew Is that what this is right here?

1:25:28🔗 Adam Now these trucks pulling up, yes, Huel, that's what we've, it's called a truck. We put the menudo into the truck. All right, okay, Huel, I'm gonna kill myself now, all right? 105 years gone.

1:25:43🔗 Drew Those of you at home, join me.

1:25:45🔗 Adam And now how long have you been at this location? 102, Huel. That's what happens. Don't get me wrong, he's a fixture around Los Angeles television, but.

1:25:57🔗 Drew That I have never seen, by the way.

1:25:59🔗 Adam Well, true. First off, didn't we decide on our phone conversation on a ride back from the calendar signing on Saturday that I'll decide what you've seen?

1:26:08🔗 Drew That's right, we did.

1:26:09🔗 Adam All right, Drew tried to tell me he hadn't seen something and I decided he had seen it. Eventually it was Eleanor.

1:26:14🔗 Drew This is one I have not seen. Because you've shown me footage of him and I had never.

1:26:19🔗 Adam What's the matter, don't you support public television?

1:26:22🔗 Drew Maybe I don't. Or maybe I would just stay away from it when I was growing up or something.

1:26:26🔗 Adam And where'd you grow up?

1:26:28🔗 Drew Los Angeles.

1:26:29🔗 Adam Los Angeles! Did you see what you're missing?

1:26:36🔗 Drew Hives.

1:26:41🔗 Adam Yeah. All right. Kelsey. Yeah, hello?

1:26:47🔗 Drew Just one second, Kelsey. I was wondering how many people could appreciate that reference given. We actually did that an hour ago. Now that people were actually listening an hour ago.

1:26:55🔗 Adam Well, engineer Chris was. He liked it.

1:26:57🔗 Drew Kelsey, what's up?

1:26:59🔗 Caller Yeah, basically I am calling because I have a really functional family. I'm very appreciative of them. No abuse or anything like that. But basically I have kind of a pattern of being drawn to gay guys. Getting really close to them. Even sort of, I was in a relationship with a gay guy.

1:27:22🔗 Drew Trying to convert them.

1:27:24🔗 Adam Oh, what does that mean? Were you having sex?

1:27:26🔗 Caller No, no, no, no sex. Actually, that's kind of the weird part. I'm hoping for some insight and maybe some advice on how to rectify all of this. Basically we were basically living together, I mean roommates, but a lot more. It was fulfilling all of my, all the needs that I have.

1:27:47🔗 Drew First of all, listen, hey Kelsey. First of all, the gay male is the superior version of the male. We've decided that.

1:27:55🔗 Adam Domestically, yeah.

1:27:56🔗 Drew I mean, we understand why you'd be attracted to the gay male. Yeah.

1:28:01🔗 Adam He recycles.

1:28:02🔗 Drew Right.

1:28:03🔗 Adam Ever hair out of place. Now skin beaming, like staring into a Klee-Glide, looking at the guy's face, always buffing, exfoliating. Gay guys shine.

1:28:12🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:28:13🔗 Adam I don't know, maybe it's the semen. There's the constant belting with the semen.

1:28:18🔗 Drew Now the only thing I've ever noticed with women that tend to rejuvenate the skin. To go for gay guys is, I've noticed this, this may not be you, but I've noticed a pattern that oftentimes they grew up with parents telling them that they wish they'd had a boy or that you were supposed to be a boy. Did you get anything like that?

1:28:36🔗 Caller No, nothing like that.

1:28:44🔗 Drew But no one ever said, we intended to have a boy, but then we had you and we're happy, but boy. Nothing like that.

1:28:52🔗 Adam No, parents did a version of that. They always said they wished they had a mute and liked the talking in the house.

1:29:00🔗 Drew They basically did have one, didn't they?

1:29:01🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:29:02🔗 Drew How could they have known the difference? Oh, they, yeah.

1:29:05🔗 Adam You can hear stuff through the door. Freak out.

1:29:09🔗 Drew Kelsey? Yes. So you get the one variable in all this is you. So it's something about what your attractions are built on.

1:29:16🔗 Caller I mean, I definitely think that part of it might just be the validation of it, you know? I mean, they were, I guess, specifically this last one, neither of us were dating other people and it felt like a relationship, but obviously there was part of it that wasn't fulfilled.

1:29:35🔗 Drew Are you fearful of sexuality?

1:29:40🔗 Caller I think that's probably fairly safe to say to a certain extent, I've never had sex.

1:29:46🔗 Drew See, that's what it kind of feels like to me, is that this is a safe way to be, but I have a sense that you kind of have fantasies about being swept away. Yeah, I get that, I got an image of that the moment she started talking.

1:30:04🔗 Adam Very, yeah.

1:30:06🔗 Drew And I get the sense that she needs, she's gonna need a guy that's very strong to take her away to, she has trouble feeling sexual unless a guy takes it over for her. And it's kind of hard to find that guy these days because guys are taught not to do that to him. And in the meantime, she plays it safe, plays it safe.

1:30:22🔗 Adam Handful of hair. Yeah, also, it's easy to sort of pick a fantasy boyfriend or profession or something in life that never really comes true and it sort of keeps you looking out over the horizon all the time. You never look down and see the S you're standing in. You're always looking over the horizon. It's just time to get more realistic. You're not effed up. Just be a little more realistic.

1:30:42🔗 Drew Be more open, more vulnerable. Go after these guys that might use some of your sense could sweep you away. Put it out there. You don't have to be. The guys will not sweep you away these days. You may find someone's capable of that, but you may have to initiate things. I know this spoils your fantasy, but that's reality.

1:30:58🔗 Adam Katrina, you're 18. You have a, by the way, sound like a delight.

1:31:02🔗 Drew Very happy girl.

1:31:03🔗 Adam You have a 36 year old boyfriend who wants to be.

1:31:08🔗 Drew No, are you serious, Katrina? No. It's a bogus, right? It's a bogus call, right?

1:31:14🔗 Adam What'd you think? All right. Listen, Katrina, we're gonna hang up on you because we hate you, okay? Okay, thank you. Please just go back and throw your horrible attitude at whatever horrible person tolerates you. I'm sure you're very attractive and they look past your personality. Also, I'm sorry for whatever a man did you at some point early on. Believe me, something happened. Doesn't have to be wholesale abuse, just somebody did something and Katrina, or Katarina's super angry. Okay, shush up. Kelsey?

1:31:52🔗 Caller Hello?

1:31:53🔗 Drew Another Kelsey.

1:31:54🔗 Adam Yes, another Kelsey. Boyfriend acts like a girl.

1:31:58🔗 Caller Okay, well not necessarily. He likes the girl in the relationship, I'd say. Yeah, like he's always starting drama that doesn't need to be there. Like, he's always been starting problems that, yeah, he's like a girl.

1:32:14🔗 Adam Okay, they're guys who do that. And what you need to do is not dance with them. They're gonna try to drum stuff up, which is a sort of invitation to their crap dance that they're throwing. Don't accept the invitation. Don't buy a bid to their s-covered prom.

1:32:31🔗 Drew There you go.

1:32:32🔗 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

1:32:35🔗 Caller Alright, guys.

1:32:36🔗 Caller Bottom line, here's the deal.

1:32:38🔗 Caller Sick of wasting time with the wrong person. One call is all you need to make.

1:32:42🔗 Drew Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE.

1:32:49🔗 Caller Loveline, with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:32:51🔗 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:32:59🔗 Caller Experience the Axe Effect.

1:33:13🔗 Adam Well that's the show. Feeling good about that one, Drew.

1:33:17🔗 Drew Yeah, I do too.

1:33:18🔗 Adam Feeling good, feeling good.

1:33:19🔗 Drew Exposed to the hobo power too. You exposed me to something.

1:33:23🔗 Adam Yeah, a lot of gas tonight, and urine, and belching. I don't know what else I could do, is I pop an eyeball out or something?

1:33:30🔗 Drew Rot one of your limbs.

1:33:32🔗 Adam You're gonna have one gangrene set in one of the limbs.

1:33:34🔗 Drew Well, these guys, they got the hives tonight.

1:33:42🔗 Adam Drew, seriously, look at my back before we leave. We'll do it off the air. I don't think I have hives. So until next time, is that? I said hives, didn't I? So until next time. Is that a Corolla or Dr. Drew saying mahalo?

1:33:57🔗 Caller Fourteen, nine, immediately, two. Whatcha, whatcha, whatcha, whatcha, whatcha gonna do? Mexican musicians breaking it down on Ito's Accordion. Countdown.

1:34:09🔗 Caller This has been Loveline. Opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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