Thursday, August 19, 2004

0:11🔗 Voiceover Loveline may contain sexually oriented content. Listener discretion is advised.

0:22🔗 Voiceover This is Loveline.

0:25🔗 Adam With Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla.

0:31🔗 Drew We're hearing a 10-second delay here in our head.

0:34🔗 Adam Turn something down, Chris. Phone number, 1-800-L-V-E-1-9-1, Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Addiction Medicine Specialist. No, we've not fixed the problem. Matthew Lillard is here tonight. Always good to see him.

0:49🔗 Matthew Lillard Word.

0:49🔗 Adam Without a Paddle, name of the new movie. Now it's fixed.

0:53🔗 Matthew Lillard Now it's good.

0:54🔗 Adam Seth Green and Dax in here a couple of weeks ago, giving a plug.

0:57🔗 Matthew Lillard They're very funny guys, those guys.

0:59🔗 Adam There you go, Chris. Engineer Chris, I get the feeling, picks up the phone and talks to nobody when he screws up something on his board.

1:06🔗 Drew Makes him look like he's doing something.

1:08🔗 Matthew Lillard Good job, Chris.

1:08🔗 Adam It's smart, though. All right, buddy. We're good now. Yeah. Matthew Lillard. Good to see you, buddy.

1:14🔗 Matthew Lillard How's it going, fellas? I just came from your buddy, Kimmel Street.

1:16🔗 Adam Oh, Jimmy Kimmel.

1:17🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah.

1:17🔗 Adam Yeah, how'd that go?

1:19🔗 Matthew Lillard I thought I was terrible.

1:20🔗 Adam No.

1:20🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, honestly, I think I just fell short. Really?

1:24🔗 Adam But here's the thing.

1:26🔗 Drew You're just sitting there talking.

1:27🔗 Adam You're an actor.

1:27🔗 Matthew Lillard Here, can I just say I'm trying to be a movie star now. It's a new thing. I thought I'd try to be like this handsome leading guy. And I was so self-deprecating that halfway through, I was like self-conscious. I'm like, I have to be stronger and stop beating myself up in front of the entire world.

1:42🔗 Adam Yeah. Yeah.

1:43🔗 Matthew Lillard And I didn't do it. I was just, I don't know if my story was that funny. Well, you want to be funny, and it wasn't, I don't know.

1:50🔗 Adam But here's the thing. You're nice looking. You look good with your shirt off.

1:55🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, and the shirt off.

1:56🔗 Adam You're tall. You're in many, many big movies. You're a movie star. And you don't really have to be that funny or that engaging. You have to not be an a-hole, number one.

2:07🔗 Matthew Lillard Right, which I'm not.

2:08🔗 Drew Here's what sets you out from all the other movie stars.

2:11🔗 Adam No, here's what you need to do. As a celebrity, you need, I mean, as a leading.

2:15🔗 Matthew Lillard These are the rules?

2:16🔗 Adam Yeah, as a leading man type. You need to not.

2:18🔗 Matthew Lillard This is a new realm for me. I was the best friend for a long time.

2:21🔗 Adam I know, but you're moving into leading man type. But here's all that's required of you on these TV talk shows, is not be an a-hole and not be too high. Too high. Too half-dub. Yeah.

2:34🔗 Matthew Lillard You know, I did have a cocktail or two. I will admit to you right now, Drew, I've had a cocktail. Does that mean I have a problem?

2:39🔗 Adam I said two. Yes, and in Drew's mind, yes.

2:42🔗 Drew In my mind, it's T-W-O, but in yours, it's T-O-O.

2:45🔗 Adam That's right. You have a camp of Robitussin. You have a problem, according to Dr. Drew. But my point is.

2:50🔗 Matthew Lillard Do you ever have a cocktail on a Saturday night? Do you ever, like, you do?

2:54🔗 Drew I don't get ripped, but no, yeah.

2:55🔗 Matthew Lillard When was the last time you were just hammered when you were housed? Oh, probably college.

3:00🔗 Adam Yeah. College?

3:03🔗 Drew Really?

3:03🔗 Matthew Lillard Come on.

3:04🔗 Drew I don't like it.

3:05🔗 Matthew Lillard What are you going to do when the boys start drinking? They're going to drink.

3:08🔗 Drew Yeah.

3:09🔗 Adam Drew's young sons are here tonight.

3:13🔗 Matthew Lillard Oh, see, look, Drew doesn't want to get into it.

3:15🔗 Adam Here's the whole thing.

3:16🔗 Matthew Lillard We're still on the rules.

3:18🔗 Adam Yeah. Oh, I want to say this about Drew. First off, we've been out a couple of nights, and drank some red wine. You know, got a little buzz going. Drew's only vomited from booze how many times in your life?

3:29🔗 Drew Half times, whatever.

3:30🔗 Adam Six times? Have you vomited six times from booze? Oh, OK, good, because I'm into the 80s. But I thought you were like two or three.

3:38🔗 Drew No, I was in college.

3:39🔗 Adam That's how I can tell if I want to hang out with someone. How many times have you vomited, and I'm counting making yourself vomit because the bed is spinning from booze. Nothing better.

3:48🔗 Matthew Lillard I mean, literally, it just makes the whole next week better.

3:52🔗 Adam You know what my big move is? My big move is over hydrating myself before I go to bed.

3:58🔗 Drew There's a big volume of vomit then.

4:01🔗 Adam Dr. Drew's voice is ringing in my ear when I'm loaded, which is like 430 in the morning. It's like, OK, I've been drinking all night. I got to drink like a quart and a half of tap water. I got to get some vitamins in me, potassium, aminamide, and all that kind of stuff, drink water, and I'm like chug, chug, chug.

4:21🔗 Drew I do not say that to somebody who's going to vomit.

4:23🔗 Adam And then I lie down on the bed, and then I vomit because I drank a gallon of water. Yeah. All right.

4:28🔗 Matthew Lillard But you feel better in the morning.

4:30🔗 Adam I do.

4:31🔗 Matthew Lillard A couple Advil?

4:31🔗 Adam Yeah.

4:32🔗 Matthew Lillard Here's the trick. You're drinking all night. You wake up. The first time you have to go to the bathroom are like 5 in the morning because you've been drinking. And then you drink the water before you go to bed. At that stop, four Advil.

4:45🔗 Adam Four Advil.

4:45🔗 Matthew Lillard Good. You're good to go.

4:47🔗 Adam Four Advil.

4:47🔗 Matthew Lillard Four Advil. You wake up at nine o'clock in your bingo.

4:51🔗 Adam What are your tips if you're loaded and you're going to bed?

4:55🔗 Matthew Lillard Don't drive.

4:55🔗 Adam You're going to be hungover. You already are.

4:57🔗 Drew Well, Adam, my favorite piece of advice, I know you share this one too, is don't drink too much.

5:01🔗 Adam Oh, come on. Let me say this. Let me say this because I'm going to strangle the pussies to give those every year, every year. And then we're going to talk about Without a Paddle. But every year around New Year's, coming up next on the Channel 9 News tips for not getting hung over this year. And then you come back and it's the same tip every time, which is drink a ton of water. Like for every, for every alcohol drink you drink, drink a glass of water.

5:27🔗 Drew You know what that makes you do?

5:28🔗 Adam Pee.

5:30🔗 Drew That's a glass of alcohol you're not going to drink now. You've filled yourself up.

5:33🔗 Adam And then it's like, and then they give you this one. And as always, don't overdo it. Oh, so if I just drink a half glass of champagne, that's your tip? Your hangover tip is don't get drunk? Are you high?

5:45🔗 Matthew Lillard Ridiculous.

5:45🔗 Adam That's not a tip.

5:47🔗 Matthew Lillard Ridiculous.

5:48🔗 Adam Yeah, it's like, oh, you want some tips on how to improve your mileage in your automobile?

5:52🔗 Matthew Lillard Don't drive.

5:52🔗 Adam Don't drive! Yeah, are you kidding? Walk to work. Take a dog sled. That's not a tip! A tip is having me drink a ton like I normally do and not getting hung over.

6:05🔗 Matthew Lillard Not doing the behavior.

6:06🔗 Drew You know the reality?

6:07🔗 Matthew Lillard The recipe. The recipe for happiness the next day.

6:10🔗 Drew There is no recipe. There is! The reality is there is nothing you can do. It's alcohol withdrawal.

6:15🔗 Adam What can help? Is it withdrawal?

6:17🔗 Drew It's withdrawal, yeah.

6:18🔗 Adam It's not dehydration?

6:19🔗 Drew No.

6:20🔗 Adam It's withdrawal.

6:20🔗 Drew There's a toxic effect of alcohol with some of the vomiting from direct intoxicating effects, but you feel the next day is withdrawal.

6:27🔗 Adam You want it.

6:28🔗 Drew That's it. You don't want it. Your body is just in withdrawal.

6:30🔗 Adam Well, your body needs it. Does your body need it? How about a hair from the dog that bit you?

6:34🔗 Drew How about a cocktail? That intensifies withdrawal, so it makes it worse the next few hours later.

6:38🔗 Adam Well, I'm not worried about noon. I'm worried about 10 a.m., brother. How about a Bloody Mary? The best recipe.

6:44🔗 Matthew Lillard Come on. You know you're going to get fired up after the Bloody Mary.

6:48🔗 Adam Does the Bloody Mary take the edge off?

6:50🔗 Drew It could.

6:51🔗 Adam All right. I'm going to have one. Chris, get me a Bloody Mary.

6:54🔗 Drew Then by about 4p, you'll have a seizure. That's good.

6:57🔗 Adam But me? I'm a heavyweight. Matthew Lillard here, everyone, Without a Paddle, coming out on the 20th, this Friday. Tomorrow.

7:04🔗 Matthew Lillard Tomorrow.

7:05🔗 Adam Now, this movie, because we had Seth and Dax Shepard in here, must have been two weeks ago. Yeah, they were great. I thought for some reason, usually when someone comes in and plugs the movie, the movie then comes out the next day, like will be the case with you tomorrow. So I thought it was out, and then I thought, oh no, Matthew's coming in here, I haven't heard. This movie came and went, I thought for a split second, yes, I haven't heard, but it's coming out tomorrow.

7:31🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, we've been on the road. Yeah, we did a month tour around the United States, yeah. It's great actually.

7:37🔗 Drew Promoting it or having releases and stuff?

7:38🔗 Matthew Lillard Promoting it. Paramount really believes in the movie. We collectively love the movie, and so we went to San Francisco, Philadelphia, Toronto, down to Atlanta, back up to New York, so we did this huge tour and trying to get people out to go see the movie. So they came, we were back in LA and they did the show, and I was in Dallas, I think.

7:59🔗 Adam Is it, if you would liken it to a genre of movie, what would you liken it to?

8:05🔗 Matthew Lillard You know, it's kind of like a Stand By Me, kind of like Romancing the Stone. So a bunch of guys go on this...

8:10🔗 Drew Meets Vacation.

8:11🔗 Matthew Lillard Meets Vacation. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Yeah? No, it's about these three guys that go in the backwoods. One of their buddies dies in the early frames of the movie, and they come back to be pallbearers from their, you know, they're all these high school friends, and they go on this event, they find this treasure map to what they think is the lost treasure of DB. Cooper, who is a guy that jumped out of a plane in the 70s with all his money over Oregon. So they go into the backwoods of Oregon trying to find this lost treasure, and all hell breaks loose.

8:39🔗 Adam Yeah, people who don't know this story, and I guarantee nobody listening to this show knows this story, and I will bet you...

8:45🔗 Drew Never heard of it.

8:46🔗 Matthew Lillard You don't know DB.

8:47🔗 Adam Cooper? Drew?

8:48🔗 Drew Don't know him.

8:49🔗 Matthew Lillard Come on.

8:49🔗 Adam Drew's an idiot.

8:50🔗 Matthew Lillard Do you know DB. Cooper?

8:51🔗 Adam Of course I know DB. Cooper. I guarantee engineer Chris doesn't know DB.

8:55🔗 Matthew Lillard Wait, wait. Chris, do you have, seriously, do you know who Burt Reynolds is?

9:00🔗 Adam Listen, he thinks he's on K-Earth.

9:03🔗 Matthew Lillard K-Earth where?

9:04🔗 Arrow.

9:05🔗 Matthew Lillard Listen, do you know who Burt Reynolds is?

9:07🔗 Adam Yes.

9:09🔗 Matthew Lillard Name one movie.

9:10🔗 Drew One movie?

9:12🔗 I don't know, but he did a lot of stuff.

9:13🔗 Matthew Lillard Oh, good. That's fantastic.

9:15🔗 Drew Smoke of the Man. Boogie Night. So what?

9:17🔗 Adam Let me tell you about DB. Cooper, by the way. And you probably know the story, Matthew, so you stop me if I'm wrong. But I'm just telling it so Drew knows I'm not just jumping on. This guy, and it's going to sound familiar to you eventually, Drew. This guy jumped out of a commercial jet, a flight. He basically, in the 70s, mid 70s, probably, early, 74, 75, somewhere in there, he hijacked the plane, essentially, landed, told them to bring a whole bunch of money on board. But they put a whole bunch of money on board, he took back off again, flying over Northwest, jumped out of the plane with the suitcase and the money in a parachute.

9:57🔗 Matthew Lillard In the middle of winter, never seen again.

9:59🔗 Adam Middle of the winter, jumped out of a commercial flight. It wasn't flying a Cessna.

10:04🔗 Drew How high was he?

10:05🔗 Matthew Lillard Like 30,000 feet.

10:07🔗 Drew So he disintegrated.

10:08🔗 Adam No, I don't know if he was 30,000 feet. I don't know if he had to pilot, bring it down to 12,000 feet, whatever it was.

10:15🔗 Drew 600 miles an hour, though.

10:16🔗 Adam Well, no. No, but they can slow those planes down, fly 200 miles an hour, something like that. And he jumped out. And they never found him. I don't know if they ever found his parachute.

10:27🔗 Matthew Lillard No, they never. I mean, they found like 10 years ago, they found money floating in the ocean that they linked the serial numbers back to DB. Cooper.

10:35🔗 Adam Oh, really? By the way, it's like one of these things where, all right, the guy's a maniac, the guy's a criminal. But how many guys parachute out of a 767? Do you know what I'm saying?

10:49🔗 Drew It means he doesn't know what it means.

10:50🔗 Matthew Lillard By the way, it's never been done before. It's never been done again. Not a good idea.

10:55🔗 Adam And people don't see, now, nobody said, oh, we heard a thud when he hit the wing.

10:59🔗 Drew The tail, yeah.

11:00🔗 Adam It was nothing like that. It was just he jumped out and we could never find him over this, you know, vast forest land.

11:05🔗 Matthew Lillard But maybe in the movie, Without a Paddle.

11:07🔗 Adam Maybe they do. Maybe we do.

11:09🔗 Matthew Lillard And maybe we found something more.

11:11🔗 Adam Yeah.

11:11🔗 Matthew Lillard Maybe we find ourselves.

11:13🔗 Adam Maybe they find love.

11:14🔗 Drew They do, indeed.

11:14🔗 Adam I saw a commercial where they were all naked jumping on each other.

11:16🔗 Matthew Lillard That does not mean we're in love. It just means we're getting warm.

11:19🔗 Adam Chris, punch up DB. Cooper. See if you can find about the guy. All right, buddy. Drew, what's up with you? Come on, buddy.

11:24🔗 Drew I didn't know that one.

11:25🔗 Adam Yeah. Never heard of Doug Henning doesn't know DB. Cooper. What's going on, buddy?

11:28🔗 Matthew Lillard You don't know who Doug Henning is?

11:30🔗 Drew I do now.

11:31🔗 Adam Yeah, because I yelled at him for three years. Samantha?

11:36🔗 Yeah, I'm here.

11:37🔗 Adam You there, baby doll?

11:38🔗 Yeah.

11:38🔗 Adam Seventeen. What's up?

11:41🔗 I had a question about getting an abortion. My cousin got two of them.

11:47🔗 Adam Speaking of comedy, Without a Paddle tomorrow, Friday night, everybody.

11:51🔗 Matthew Lillard Awesome.

11:51🔗 Adam Get that abortion. And then go see Without a Paddle.

11:56🔗 Matthew Lillard Oh, God. That's terrible.

11:58🔗 Adam See Without a Paddle, then you get the abortion.

12:00🔗 Drew Samantha, go ahead.

12:02🔗 She got two abortions, and she doesn't use birth control anymore because she said that she really doesn't have a chance of getting pregnant at all.

12:09🔗 Drew That's incorrect. Incorrect. Now, unless they took her uterus or ovaries out when they did one of her abortions.

12:14🔗 Adam She probably made that announcement after the first abortion, too.

12:17🔗 Drew Exactly. Totally ridiculous.

12:22🔗 Okay. That's all I was wondering.

12:23🔗 Matthew Lillard It sounds like she never used birth control.

12:27🔗 Well, she went on and off it because she was gaining weight from it, and then she stopped taking it, and then she was gaining weight.

12:33🔗 Drew She's got problems.

12:34🔗 Adam How old is she?

12:35🔗 She's 19 now.

12:37🔗 Adam All right.

12:37🔗 No, she just turned 20 like a month ago.

12:39🔗 Adam Uh-huh.

12:40🔗 Drew She's ready to have children now.

12:41🔗 Adam All right.

12:42🔗 Drew Of course. But by her standards.

12:43🔗 Adam Tell her to get it together, would you?

12:46🔗 I've been trying. All right.

12:48🔗 Adam Well, listen. Here's the thing with loser family members. You know, try to lead them toward the light, but if they ain't going to go, move on. Just cut them loose. You know what I mean? Here's the thing, everybody. You got to hold up your end of the bargain. You got to be a good friend. You got to be a good brother. You got to be a good cousin. You got to be a good father. If you're not going to hold it up, screw you.

13:08🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, it's family, though. You can't just...

13:09🔗 Adam Oh, yeah?

13:11🔗 Drew Oh, you've never...

13:13🔗 Matthew Lillard Listen.

13:13🔗 Drew You've never heard Adam talk about his family.

13:15🔗 Matthew Lillard I have all kinds of family things.

13:18🔗 Adam Wait a minute. I think we remember a little bit about this.

13:21🔗 Matthew Lillard We have...

13:21🔗 Adam Yeah. Cut them loose. Help them out a little.

13:24🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, but you can't... I mean, listen. You have to step up as best you can. You have to fight the good fight. You have to fight the good fight. You can't just turn your back.

13:34🔗 Drew Right.

13:35🔗 Adam But here's the thing.

13:36🔗 Drew You have to realize you may not be able to change them.

13:38🔗 Matthew Lillard Yes.

13:39🔗 Adam Yeah.

13:39🔗 Matthew Lillard But you have to stand... I mean, I think you have to... Well, I think you have to keep the hand reached out.

13:44🔗 Drew Well, really, only when they're looking for help. In other words, when they're willing to go in a good direction. Rock bottom.

13:50🔗 Matthew Lillard After rock bottom.

13:51🔗 Drew Yeah, when they're going down, that's when you pull the hand back. Go, hey, you want to go that direction? Fine. I'm not having a part of that. If you want some help, you ready to get out of there, call on me.

13:59🔗 Matthew Lillard Right.

13:59🔗 Adam Speaking of help, let's hop back to the phone to see what we can do for the kids.

14:03🔗 Drew Adam, great segue.

14:04🔗 Adam Will? You're 21?

14:08🔗 Caller Yeah, I'm 21.

14:09🔗 Adam All right. You're calling from Riverside, so there's already a problem. What's your question today?

14:18🔗 Caller My girlfriend wants to have a threesome, but...

14:20🔗 Drew Why can't they tell a bogus call to pick the phone up?

14:22🔗 Adam Your girlfriend wants to have a threesome.

14:25🔗 Drew Yeah.

14:28🔗 Caller I'm kind of skeptical. Just do it. All right.

14:32🔗 Adam We're going to label this bogus, bogus, and bogus.

14:36🔗 Drew No, I'm serious.

14:37🔗 Caller I don't know if I want to have a threesome or not.

14:38🔗 Drew All right. Don't.

14:39🔗 Adam Don't do it, then.

14:40🔗 Drew Don't do it. It's going to screw up your relationship. Guaranteed.

14:43🔗 Caller How is it going to screw up my relationship?

14:48🔗 Adam Believe me, it will.

14:49🔗 Drew There are feelings that emerge for whatever reason because of these intimacies.

15:01🔗 Matthew Lillard Whether it's you feeling jealous or she, whatever.

15:04🔗 Drew There are people that do these things.

15:06🔗 Adam We answer bogus calls oftentimes because theoretically there are other people who are on the threshold of a threesome.

15:14🔗 Matthew Lillard You're so good. Altruistic.

15:16🔗 Adam We never stop caring.

15:17🔗 Matthew Lillard So brave.

15:19🔗 Adam Here's Drew's original point. Oh, here's a better point, screw Drew's point. But here's the other thing. If you got a girl who really wants a threesome, she's looking to sabotage. She's chaotic and looking to stir things up and screw up the relationship, whether she knows it or not.

15:35🔗 Drew Or she's an addict. There's some chaos here.

15:38🔗 Adam But here's another good point. So you're 21, so she's 19. This thing ain't going to make it another four months if she's on the war path anyway looking to make things chaotic. She's trying to shake up that snow globe. Screw it. Get in with her and her friend. Have a good time. Get a head full of memories.

15:55🔗 Matthew Lillard You remember it forever. God bless it.

15:57🔗 Adam Yeah. And then pow. Move on. Don't get anyone pregnant.

16:00🔗 Matthew Lillard It's not your wife. You don't have two kids at home.

16:02🔗 Adam No. Not yet.

16:04🔗 Matthew Lillard See what happens.

16:05🔗 Drew Sorry, man is a little defensive about this three something.

16:08🔗 Adam I mean, it's a celebrity. What do you think was going on on the road for the last month?

16:14🔗 Drew I saw the three of them on the film.

16:15🔗 Matthew Lillard I'm sure my wife right now is listening going, Oh, my God.

16:19🔗 Adam Because I know it's he trail. First off, that Seth Green is a he's a puss out here. You're is this how can you know I I will tell you he is he is ladies, ladies, they love him. He's like a koala. It's like a Jewish koala.

16:35🔗 Matthew Lillard I swear to God, I've never seen a man more powerful in a club than him.

16:40🔗 Adam I know, I'll tell you why Seth Green does it because he's cute. And here's the thing, we we keep we're watching too many Disney cartoons. We think women went big, tall strapping guys that look like Mark Gastineau or something.

16:54🔗 Matthew Lillard I'm right here.

16:55🔗 Adam Yeah. Look at that. Look at the guns on Matthew. The point is, is they don't mind that. But they like the little cuddly cute guys, too, because they don't pose a threat. You sleep with Seth Green, no one really cares. You tell your friends, I met Seth Green at a club, took him home, banged the bejesus out of him. He continued the tour. The next day, I'm never going to see him again. Your friend go, oh, that's nice.

17:18🔗 Drew I was thinking about how women-

17:19🔗 Adam You do it with Matthew Lillard, you're a whore.

17:21🔗 Drew I was thinking about how women work tonight.

17:22🔗 Adam Stinking whore.

17:23🔗 Drew I saw DeLovelly, the movie.

17:24🔗 Adam You did?

17:25🔗 Drew Yeah, I saw it tonight. And Cole Porter's wife, Cole Porter's just flaked-

17:31🔗 Adam Movies about-

17:32🔗 Drew About Cole Porter.

17:33🔗 Adam Right.

17:33🔗 Drew Who is flagrantly gay his whole life.

17:35🔗 Adam Right.

17:35🔗 Drew And she sort of has an arrangement with him, basically. They have sort of a marriage.

17:40🔗 Matthew Lillard He's a beer lover in New Jersey.

17:41🔗 Adam Hold on, hold on. Hold on. Engineer Chris, Cole Porter? No? You've heard of him?

17:45🔗 Drew Yeah. Name a song?

17:47🔗 Caller Well, I don't know the songs, but he's jazz.

17:50🔗 Adam All right. You're good. You find DB. Cooper on there? Yes. All right. Don't talk.

17:56🔗 Drew But her first husband was a guy that beat the crap out of her, alcoholic beat the crap out of her. Second is a gay guy that she can't have a relationship with.

18:02🔗 Adam Right.

18:02🔗 Drew And she keeps trying to geographically alter his life. Every time he gets going with a bunch of gay guys, she moves into another city and figures out finally he'll focus on her.

18:11🔗 Adam Right.

18:12🔗 Drew She goes from the completely enmeshed, chaotic, abusive relationship to the unavailable, impossible intimacy.

18:19🔗 Adam Right.

18:19🔗 Drew It's interesting.

18:20🔗 Matthew Lillard When you saw Alien vs Predator, did you take apart those relationships?

18:24🔗 Drew Absolutely.

18:25🔗 Matthew Lillard You're like, what's happening with that woman?

18:27🔗 Drew Like, if you had Alien's mom, I mean, you know.

18:32🔗 Adam In Act 3, the Predator entered a shame spiral from which he never recovered. I remember Drew saying for Adam that.

18:39🔗 Drew I told you, shame-based. Completely shame-based. His dad used to beat him.

18:42🔗 Adam Obviously, he was a product of abuse, otherwise he would not come to this planet and hunt human prey. And he left. The ultimate prey, by the way. Humans. The ultimate prey. Naked dude running from you? That's the ultimate prey? That's a good dude, throw some fecal matter?

18:57🔗 Matthew Lillard You saw the movie?

18:57🔗 Adam Just throw crap at you? No, I haven't seen it yet. I'm looking forward to it.

19:00🔗 Matthew Lillard Not yet.

19:01🔗 Drew But by the way, one of the reasons I saw The Lovely Tonight is I'm seeing Without a Paddle tomorrow. My kids are completely in the house.

19:08🔗 Adam Yeah. Retarded high five. What's up with you?

19:13🔗 Drew Hey, mind your own business.

19:15🔗 Adam You're giving the old man high five. Come on, give him a good high five.

19:18🔗 Matthew Lillard By the way, screw you. He's taking his kids to see the movie. I'm going too.

19:22🔗 Adam I'm going with him.

19:22🔗 Matthew Lillard Yes! Yeah. Hey, real quick though. Seth Green, pound for pound, the funniest guy in this business.

19:31🔗 Adam He is funny.

19:32🔗 Matthew Lillard I mean, Dax is hysterical. I mean, two of them are the most talented people I've ever worked with.

19:35🔗 Adam Yes. Seth is one of these guys that normally you have guys on the show and you're like, all right, he's a big time actor, but he can't do what we do. Seth Green comes on the show and it's like, all right, he could do this if he wanted to. If he wanted to take a huge pay cut and not get the chicks anymore, he could come in and do this. Is there anything worse than having a guy come in and realizing that he could kind of do your job, whatever your job is? I feel bad for teamsters. Every guy who gets behind the wheel of a car could replace them. Like, hey, can you eat? Can you eat, chain smoke and drive an automatic? Yes, then you can do my job. All right, I'm going to get my ass kicked when we leave. All right, what are we doing, Drew?

20:16🔗 Drew Let's go. We're taking a break.

20:17🔗 Adam Germany or Florida? We're taking a break. Germany? Germany or Florida? This game is sweeping the nation. Matthew Lillard here tonight from the new movie Without a Paddle. It is coming out tomorrow. That is Friday the 20th. All over the goddamn place. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

20:39🔗 Drew Love Line is brought to you by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration.

20:43🔗 Adam Law enforcement is cracking down from coast to coast.

20:46🔗 Drew No matter where you are, if you drive under the influence, you will be arrested.

20:49🔗 You drink and drive, you lose.

21:05🔗 Adam That thing's way off, as usual. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew with Real Bad Instincts. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Matthew Lillard is here tonight, just looking for next week. Jenna Jamison.

21:20🔗 Matthew Lillard Jenna Jamison.

21:21🔗 Adam I broke her in this business, Drew. I made her what she is today.

21:24🔗 Drew I remember when you hauled her in here and said, this is the one.

21:26🔗 Adam This is the future of masturbation. For you. Oh, yes.

21:32🔗 Matthew Lillard Come on, you don't really, I mean.

21:33🔗 Adam She's what's happening in masturbation today.

21:36🔗 Matthew Lillard No, dude, there's nothing worse than porn that's like that.

21:39🔗 Adam No, that's right.

21:40🔗 Matthew Lillard I mean, you, I mean, come on.

21:42🔗 Adam No.

21:43🔗 Matthew Lillard That's like fake women, fake this, fake blah, blah, blah.

21:46🔗 Drew You know what, you hit it exactly right, Matthew. Adam is not into any of that. That's why he has a bunker filled with it and spends.

21:53🔗 Adam Bunker. Since when is a basement a bunker?

21:57🔗 Drew A Quonset hut?

21:59🔗 Adam Since when is a fortified basement a bunker?

22:01🔗 Drew Okay, he has a huge room filled with huge.

22:05🔗 Adam Since when is a basement with four foot of steel reinforced concrete around it and air tight three inch stick case hardened door, a bunker.

22:14🔗 Drew And a bank vault door that has a.

22:16🔗 Adam That's an airlock in it. Since when is that a bunker?

22:19🔗 Drew An electronic scanning device, retinal scans.

22:23🔗 Adam I thought I saw in a bond, but I thought it was a beauty.

22:25🔗 Matthew Lillard Three years worth of supplies and.

22:27🔗 Drew No, no.

22:28🔗 Matthew Lillard Fresh water.

22:29🔗 Drew No, just porn.

22:30🔗 Adam Oh, but Drew, I do have stuff to live off of down there in case I.

22:33🔗 Drew You were going to buy it, you told me. You were going to put something like that in there.

22:37🔗 Adam Look, I'm with Matthew. What Matthew is saying, and I hope he's not saying there's something wrong with porn in general.

22:41🔗 Matthew Lillard No, bad porn.

22:43🔗 Adam He doesn't like the shaved hoo-ha. And the crazy tattoos. And the hood piercings.

22:50🔗 Matthew Lillard Don't get me wrong, I do like a tattoo.

22:52🔗 Adam What about the hood piercings? You know what I mean?

22:56🔗 Drew I like that.

22:57🔗 Matthew Lillard It's a little funky. I hate when a hate is fake.

23:00🔗 Drew He's talking about plastic enhancement.

23:02🔗 Matthew Lillard No, it's not even like fake boobs, but like the fake orgasm and the fake dude and the fake chick and the fakes. I mean, I like.

23:10🔗 Adam What do you want?

23:12🔗 Matthew Lillard I like the real stuff. Yeah, not the hair-ness. No, I don't like the hair-ness. I don't mind the hair-ness.

23:19🔗 Adam It's not that bad.

23:20🔗 Matthew Lillard I will say, I like hair.

23:22🔗 Adam Okay.

23:23🔗 Matthew Lillard I'm a big fan of the hair. I like the real amateur. I like a woman that looks like a real woman. I don't like a woman that looks completely huge.

23:39🔗 Adam Manufactured. Right.

23:41🔗 Matthew Lillard Breasts, skinny. I like a little woman with a little life on her.

23:45🔗 Adam So you don't like skinny with a huge, fake breast?

23:49🔗 Matthew Lillard I think that has a place in this world.

23:52🔗 Adam Yes, it does. In my heart.

23:53🔗 Matthew Lillard It was great from like age 16 to 20.

23:56🔗 Adam Matt, it's time for you to leave.

23:57🔗 Matthew Lillard Now we're going to brawl.

23:59🔗 Adam You got to leave.

24:00🔗 Matthew Lillard Come on.

24:01🔗 Adam We got to throw down.

24:02🔗 Matthew Lillard Seriously, it's like looking at Playboy. Do you like looking at Playboy still?

24:04🔗 Adam Well, I'll tell you what's going on with Playboy, which I've just looked at recently. The chicks are getting too shaved down there and they're like tats and piercings and stuff. I do believe we all like our era that we grew up with and ultimately, I'm wondering if guys that are 16, 17, 18 now, 30 years from now will go, oh, why couldn't I just have an old fashion chick with a hood piercing and a nice dragon tat and some fake boobs? You know what I mean? Maybe that's what they look at.

24:39🔗 Drew It's emblazoned in your psyche.

24:40🔗 Matthew Lillard I mean, is there a woman under the age of 25 that doesn't have that tattoo at the now of her ass?

24:45🔗 Adam Right. And my feeling is, I don't like it when they get a little evil. There's a weird evil porn side where the chicks are aggressive and they got a lot of piercings and they wear too much black and they spit on the guy's dork and give him that game face when they're giving him the handy, come on, Drew, let me put it on your hand, you want it, don't you? They're like, I'm going to break this thing off and F my girlfriend with it. It's like, easy, baby, it's called making love, you understand?

25:15🔗 Drew Hey, Ann, love. You're checking my boy, my son's leave, please?

25:19🔗 Adam Check, check.

25:20🔗 Matthew Lillard Sorry, fellas.

25:21🔗 Adam That's disgusting.

25:22🔗 Matthew Lillard Listen, don't listen, that's terrible.

25:23🔗 Adam They're fine.

25:24🔗 Matthew Lillard There's 15 year olds out there going, how do I get a hold of some of that stuff?

25:28🔗 Adam Yeah, yeah, I don't like evil. I don't like the evil side of porn and it's taking a turn for the edgy, it's like Japanese anime or something. The chicks are too skinny, they're too pointy, there's too many piercings. The tats, it's too aggressive. Too aggressive.

25:41🔗 Matthew Lillard Do you like any of that bondage S&M stuff?

25:44🔗 Adam No.

25:44🔗 Matthew Lillard Not your thing.

25:45🔗 Adam Not my bag.

25:45🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, not my thing.

25:46🔗 Adam Drew's all over it, but not me.

25:48🔗 Drew What?

25:49🔗 Adam What were you thinking of, Drew?

25:50🔗 Drew I'm bringing up a question here that's crazy.

25:52🔗 Adam Just agree with us.

25:53🔗 Drew Yes.

25:54🔗 Adam Okay, see Drew's into the bondage.

25:55🔗 Matthew Lillard By the way, can I just say, the next woman, maybe the hottest woman in rock and roll right now.

25:59🔗 Adam The Black Eyed Peas chick?

26:00🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, I think she's dope.

26:01🔗 Adam She's coming in, and by the way, Lisa Loeb, who I like as well, is coming in next week as well. Speaking of not edgy, but sort of cute, and kind of sexy secretary with the glasses kind of vibe, Lisa Loeb. Yeah, sure. You could get into that.

26:18🔗 Matthew Lillard Sure.

26:19🔗 Adam You'd throw her one just to say you did, right?

26:22🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, sure.

26:23🔗 Drew Just as she could say.

26:24🔗 Matthew Lillard In the fantasy world, I would sure do that.

26:27🔗 Adam Yeah, no, you're a happily married man.

26:29🔗 Matthew Lillard Happily married, but outside of the marriage, yeah, I would do that.

26:32🔗 Adam See, I'm not sure if it works quite the same with chicks. Because the Loeb-Lillard would be almost a kind of cool push on the tell your friends category.

26:42🔗 Drew You know what I mean?

26:43🔗 Adam Oh, I see, yeah, yeah. The what?

26:45🔗 Drew Who gets more out of it?

26:46🔗 Adam More mileage. If Matthew Lillard nails Lisa Loeb, he gets to tell Seth Green, hey, guess who? Of course, Seth probably got her the week before. But the point is, and she didn't even know it, oh, yeah, he'll get on you in your sleep.

27:00🔗 Matthew Lillard Steady.

27:00🔗 Adam He's like a mite. Steady. He's like one of them bed mites.

27:04🔗 Matthew Lillard Stop.

27:05🔗 Adam You don't know when they're on you. They've done their business and have gone. Get away from me. The point is, Matthew Lillard gets Lisa Loeb, he gets to tell his buddies he got Lisa Loeb. That's good. She gets to tell her friends she got Matthew Lillard. It's a little bit of a push.

27:20🔗 Matthew Lillard No, she, I've.

27:22🔗 Adam Who wins?

27:23🔗 Matthew Lillard Well, her friends would be like this, who?

27:26🔗 Adam No.

27:26🔗 Matthew Lillard Yes.

27:27🔗 Adam No, they know.

27:28🔗 Matthew Lillard Then she would say Shaggy, and I would say, and she would say, yes, the Shag-sure gave me the Nine Inches of Limb.

27:35🔗 Adam There'd always be the one confused friend who's like, you got on with a dog? No, Scoobies. Oh, Cheryl, just go get some more Cosmopolitan for the table. All right. Now that we've solved that hypothetical, let's go, let's break it down. It's time to play Germany or Florida. Here's how the game works. The all bizarre stories either come out of Germany or Florida. People call in, they tell us the bizarre story and then we guess, is it Germany or Florida? Jessica?

28:03🔗 Caller Yep.

28:03🔗 Adam You're 17?

28:04🔗 Caller Mm-hmm.

28:05🔗 Adam What's up?

28:06🔗 Caller I found this really weird story and it's really kind of itchy. A 28-year-old woman in a sick way of getting back at her ex for cheating on her took his two Labradors and put them in black trash bags and threw them in his swimming pool. They died, of course, you know. Well, no charges were pressed because they got back together. That's not right.

28:34🔗 Drew All right.

28:35🔗 Adam It's Florida. The trash bag, the swimming pool, it all smells like Florida. The lab's a little Germany, but I'm going-

28:41🔗 Drew Not a Weimaranter.

28:43🔗 Adam All right. I'm going Florida. Yeah.

28:44🔗 Matthew Lillard Just the word trash.

28:46🔗 Adam You're going Florida?

28:47🔗 Drew Listen, this guy was with this crazy woman in the first place. I mean, the fact that she did what she did isn't because she was briefly crazy. She was already crazy.

28:56🔗 Adam By the way, do you have to press charges for something like that? Don't you just get in a certain amount of trouble anyway?

29:01🔗 Drew For animal protection.

29:02🔗 Adam What if you just kill this son? Oh, he didn't press charges.

29:06🔗 Drew Crime of passion.

29:06🔗 Adam Okay. We're going Florida.

29:09🔗 Caller You guys are correct.

29:12🔗 Adam Thank you, Jessica.

29:13🔗 Drew Can you explain?

29:14🔗 Matthew Lillard Yes.

29:14🔗 Caller I have to disagree. I don't think that Seth Green's cute at all. I think you're really hot and he's not.

29:23🔗 Matthew Lillard I will say he's got... There's nothing worse than being in... Because we spent six weeks in underwear in this movie. And I'm a normal guy. I struggle with a little love handle action. I'm from the Midwest. I like steak and pasta. There's nothing wrong with having a little chunk on your body. That Seth Green is a shinny man with nothing but muscles and 12 packs. And he's in that little tidy whitey piece of action. And I'll tell you, he may be pasty, but ladies, he's all of 2% body fat.

29:51🔗 Adam And the thing about it, too, is, you know, he's a small man in stature, but the camera doesn't really show that adequately. He just looks like he's in good shape and you're not.

30:00🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, and by the way, he's got those doughy eyes. I'm wrong. I think you're wrong. I think he's much better looking than I am.

30:06🔗 Adam Well, here's the thing. If you're out with Matthew Lillard and Seth Green, you're covered. If you like this kind of guy or you like that kind of guy, it just depends what your taste is. You're covered. You know what I'm saying, Drew? Jessica?

30:20🔗 Drew For schnitzel.

30:21🔗 Yeah.

30:21🔗 Adam You're 24.

30:23🔗 Caller Yes, I am.

30:24🔗 Adam What's up?

30:25🔗 Caller Well, I just want to say I've listened to you guys all through college. I can't listen to you anymore where I'm at, but you guys help me through a lot of stuff in my life. Thanks. Anyway, I am looking to relocate to California and I have a pretty good job right now. I've had it since college and I don't know how to go about asking for them to relocate me because I have not done the greatest job where I'm at right now, but my boss keeps me around. I think he's kind of attracted to me. I'm just afraid that if I do ask, he's going to be like, well, if you don't want to work for me anymore, then screw you.

31:08🔗 Adam Hold on. Hold on. Are you hot? You're all right. You know you're hot. You're 24. You know you're hot. And your boss is how old?

31:19🔗 Caller He is 40.

31:21🔗 Adam And do you think he'd ever try to make a move on you or he just likes having a good looking girl around?

31:26🔗 Caller Well, he's tried to make a move, but he's kind of left it up to me. Like we had this convention in Vegas last year and he walked me to my room and stuff and kind of hung around and that kind of thing and he was kind of seeing it.

31:44🔗 Drew Men really behave like canines at a certain point, they just kind of pace outside the room.

31:48🔗 Adam Is he married?

31:49🔗 Caller Yeah, he's married. He has kids. I mean, I'm attracted to him, but I wouldn't want to, you know, pursue anything.

31:56🔗 Drew You're healthy. Fine.

31:57🔗 Matthew Lillard Where do you live? You sound like you're from, like you're talking like you're from this different planet. Where are you at?

32:03🔗 Caller Well, I'm on my cell phone, but I'm in Kansas, so.

32:05🔗 Matthew Lillard Kansas?

32:06🔗 Caller Yeah.

32:07🔗 Drew All right. So technically, you're close.

32:09🔗 Adam You guys have a good relationship. You're not a model employee, but if you look like a model, you don't have to be a model employee. Write that down. Would you write that down?

32:23🔗 Drew Done and done. Hey Jessica, I don't understand what you're saying. If you want to relocate, what do you care? Relocate within this company?

32:32🔗 Caller Yeah, exactly, because it's a good position.

32:36🔗 Drew And you're afraid if you go to your boss and say, I'm relocating, he'll somehow not give you a referral?

32:42🔗 Caller Not that he wouldn't give me a referral. Well, yeah, basically, because he wants me to stay in his area.

32:48🔗 Drew No, look, why don't you get the job first?

32:50🔗 Adam You can't get the job first. He's got to help her.

32:53🔗 Matthew Lillard He's got to kick her up the ladder or down the ladder.

32:54🔗 Adam All right, hold on. I know everyone's going to get mad, but one BJ. You know the beauty of guys, I swear to God, it stopped me if I'm wrong, but if she came up, she wore a mini skirt on Monday and just went in there and said, look, I'm going to give you the best BJ you ever had. It's only going to be one. And then I'm hitting the bricks. I'm going to Los Angeles. I'm going to need a hell of a referral from you. I mean, I'm talking about a touchdown, not a field goal. I'm going to need something good. I'm going to need to see it written and make sure the guy get it. And I'm going to give you a hell of a BJ. By the way, you got eight minutes. If nothing happens, I'm pulling my mouth and heading to LA. Is there a guy in the world? I mean, like this guy?

33:41🔗 Drew No.

33:42🔗 Adam Is this guy not going to do that?

33:43🔗 Drew He's not going to do it.

33:43🔗 Adam He should do it then, yeah?

33:44🔗 Drew He's not going to do it.

33:45🔗 Adam No?

33:46🔗 Drew He's going to imagine the video cameras and things. He's going to go to jail. I mean, all she has to do is say, hey, I like doing this company.

33:53🔗 Adam No, he would do it. He already tried in Vegas.

33:55🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, but Vegas is Vegas. I mean, that's why he wouldn't do that under normal circumstances.

34:00🔗 Adam Oh, I bet he would.

34:01🔗 Matthew Lillard Come on.

34:01🔗 Adam Jessica? Do you think he would go for my plan?

34:09🔗 Caller He's pretty kind of...

34:10🔗 Drew What kind of business is this?

34:12🔗 Caller It's a retail kind of business.

34:16🔗 Adam You just tell him to give you the referral. You're moving to Los Angeles.

34:20🔗 Drew He can't discriminate against you merely because of his...

34:23🔗 Adam He can't discriminate. She's a crappy employee.

34:26🔗 Caller Well, I'm not crappy. I've just not done as well as I thought I would have.

34:30🔗 Drew In terms of sales, what does that mean? You're late to work. You take advantage of things. What does that mean?

34:34🔗 Adam Well, he thought she was going to nail her in Vegas, but he didn't, so he's disappointed in her performance.

34:38🔗 Caller I'm young, and I'm female, and they expect... I did really well right off the bat, out of school and everything, and now I haven't done as well in the last year.

34:49🔗 Matthew Lillard Why don't you just take off and go to California and see what happens? Screw the job. You can go find another job.

34:57🔗 Adam Just go tell him you're moving to LA and you need the referral. That's it.

35:03🔗 Drew I imagine there are people out there just outraged by the situation, listening to the show, because it's discriminatory. She is worried that he's going to take some sort of vengeance upon her for leaving.

35:17🔗 Adam No, that's not what I'm hearing.

35:19🔗 Drew She's also concerned he's going to be honest about her lack of performance. That's how she skates by now, is by his being attracted and overlooking that. There's also, she said, a concern that he was going to somehow really take advantage of her weaknesses.

35:32🔗 Adam I don't think that's... Is that what you're saying, Jessica? Do you think there's going to be a vengeance side of this or a payback side?

35:37🔗 Caller Possibly, because whenever I get evaluated, compared to other managers in my region, I don't get evaluated as harshly as I think I should. And I would be...

35:48🔗 Adam I know, but that's not what you call... That's not vengeance. Right, but that's what... I'm asking, do you think he's actually going to try to punish you or is he just going to go, look, you're leaving and let's be honest, I'm going to have a hard time recommending you when your performance isn't that great?

36:03🔗 Caller Right. He pats me on the head now and now that I want to move on from this area, he's going to be different about...

36:10🔗 Matthew Lillard See?

36:13🔗 Adam I can't know. Well, first off.

36:16🔗 Drew One is he's going to be honest.

36:17🔗 Adam How good is he going to be at her goddamn job when she can't answer her effing question for the three times I've posed it to her? Listen, here's all I want to know. Is there... I almost used the word punitive, but then that...

36:29🔗 Matthew Lillard Good word....

36:30🔗 Adam to make things more confusing. Quarter word. Are you scared he's just going to be honest and say you're not that good at what you do or do you think he's going to be spiteful, like say, I'm going to punish you a little bit?

36:42🔗 Caller I think he's just going to be honest and...

36:44🔗 Drew All right. Well, there you go.

36:45🔗 Adam Drew, do you ever get tired of being wrong?

36:46🔗 Drew Well, and once she's clear about what her position is, that's fine.

36:49🔗 Adam I know, but you can't listen to the words. You've got to get the feeling, man. Let me touch. Feel? Let's make a chain. Touch Matthew.

36:56🔗 Matthew Lillard I'm in. I'm in.

36:58🔗 Drew Do you feel the electricity? You feel it? All right. I broke the chain.

37:09🔗 Adam I wanted to do it.

37:10🔗 Matthew Lillard Are you going to hold hands or not hold hands?

37:12🔗 Adam This guy was in Seth Green for four months and then went out to Idaho.

37:16🔗 Drew It's freaking me out a little bit here.

37:17🔗 Adam All right. Let's go.

37:18🔗 Drew Forgive me.

37:19🔗 Adam Drew's kids are here. He's trying to set an example for him.

37:22🔗 Matthew Lillard You're not homophobic.

37:23🔗 Adam No. He loves it.

37:24🔗 Matthew Lillard Non-homophobic dude out here.

37:26🔗 Adam Matthew Lillard in studio tonight. We'll take ourselves a quick break. Drew settle in now, buddy. Drew got charged up. He's wound up. Where are your kids? Playing video games? Go see where they are.

37:38🔗 Drew This is the first time I've held hands in the show for them.

37:40🔗 Matthew Lillard It felt good though, didn't it?

37:42🔗 Adam Come on.

37:42🔗 Matthew Lillard Let's get warm, pal. Kumbaya. You got kids. I get kids. Let's kiss and cuddle.

37:50🔗 Adam There you go. Without a paddle, everybody. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-1-9-1. Lisa Loeb in next week. Jenna Jamison as well in the Black Eyed Peas. Matthew Lillard here tonight. Speaking of Black Eyed Peas, Matthew had his manservant bring him some dinner.

38:37🔗 Matthew Lillard That was Paulie. Paulie's been driving me around for the last month.

38:40🔗 Adam He had him bring some Cuban food, solid. I'll tell you, plantains, onions, rice, the beans.

38:47🔗 Matthew Lillard You can fry anything and it tastes good. You can fry your own fish, ladies and gentlemen, at home. Just deep fry it and eat it. Eat it and it's yummy.

38:54🔗 Adam Yeah. I once put tempura on a golf ball that a cow had passed. And it was delicious. If you eat it now, you fry anything, it's good. You put tempura on something. Oh. Tempura. Drew, give me your glasses. I'll dip them in tempura sauce, fry them up. Me and Matthew will be in S7.

39:14🔗 Matthew Lillard You know that guy that ate the plane? Tempura.

39:17🔗 Adam Tempura.

39:17🔗 Matthew Lillard Dipped that whole thing?

39:19🔗 Adam You really could eat a steam roller. You could eat anything.

39:23🔗 Matthew Lillard That was great. Paulie, thank you.

39:25🔗 Adam You know that?

39:26🔗 Drew Steam roller.

39:27🔗 Adam Yeah. You know the only thing you couldn't eat dipped in tempura, the only thing you still couldn't stomach through?

39:34🔗 Matthew Lillard Penis.

39:35🔗 Adam Penis. That's right. I still couldn't do that.

39:38🔗 Matthew Lillard Couldn't do that.

39:39🔗 Adam But I would get many bites in before I realized what it was.

39:43🔗 Matthew Lillard If you had the dipping sauce. The dipping sauce.

39:47🔗 Adam And then when you pass the penis, it's like you got it in the backside, too.

39:50🔗 Matthew Lillard Oh, boy.

39:50🔗 Adam You know what I'm saying? It's like you gave oral and anal. Oh, day later. Well, I'm just saying, do the math. You know what I'm saying? That's the problem with eating penis. You do the oral and the anal. You know, that's the big drawback.

40:05🔗 Matthew Lillard His kids are here.

40:06🔗 Adam All right, your kids are here, Drew. Let's go. Here we go. Let's focus now.

40:11🔗 Matthew Lillard Chewy, tastes like chicken.

40:12🔗 Adam Without a Paddle, name of the new movie. It is out tomorrow.

40:15🔗 Matthew Lillard Big movie.

40:16🔗 Adam Huge.

40:17🔗 Matthew Lillard Drew's whole clan is going.

40:19🔗 Drew We're seeing it.

40:19🔗 Adam Drew's going, there's no other comedies out, is there?

40:22🔗 Matthew Lillard Why do you want to see it? What has led you?

40:24🔗 Drew I think it looks, I like all you guys, and I'm going to see it. It looks funny. But my kids are completely preoccupied about it. They, in fact, in fact, if you want to sort of take the pulse of the young people, they were like concerned that we probably wouldn't be able to get in. It's going to be such a buzz in. They're like, well, it's going to be too busy.

40:40🔗 Caller Oh, great.

40:42🔗 Adam Drew, Drew's kid, really, they really do sort of represent America. One of them said he laughed so hard his ascot came off. He laughed his ascot off. He said he laughed his ascot off and then said how droll he was to the other child. The other one noted is Ry Witt. It's appreciated. What school they go to, Drew?

41:06🔗 Drew Little Lord Fauntleroy's school for albino hemophiliacs.

41:10🔗 Adam That's right. That's where Drew graduated. Drew, do you want to try a clean run on that one?

41:15🔗 Drew Little Lord Fauntleroy's school for albino hemophiliacs.

41:20🔗 Adam Yeah. Kate? You're 21? What's up?

41:26🔗 Caller My boyfriend just won't, I mean, he'll get it up but it just won't stay up and he'll just explode way sooner than I wanted him to.

41:35🔗 Matthew Lillard That happens.

41:36🔗 Drew Well, it has to go down after that.

41:39🔗 Adam She did not go to the Little Lord Fauntleroy's school for albino hemophiliacs.

41:42🔗 Drew No, she went to some fine finishing school in the world.

41:44🔗 Adam I'm guessing Geneva.

41:45🔗 Drew Yeah.

41:46🔗 Adam All right. So his penis explodes before-

41:48🔗 Drew Kate, Lausanne or Geneva, seriously?

41:50🔗 Adam Yeah. Where'd you go to finishing school?

41:56🔗 Drew How long does he go for?

41:58🔗 Caller Like, well, he goes for like, you know, five minutes. And then he ordered some pills offline. And then he went like 10 minutes.

42:07🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, but then he came right back, right? Isn't that the whole trick of the pill?

42:10🔗 Drew You mean do a second time?

42:12🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, you just go for hours.

42:13🔗 Caller Yeah, after like, you know, half an hour and then another 10 minutes. And then-

42:17🔗 Matthew Lillard All right. 10 minutes, I would count yourself lucky.

42:20🔗 Drew Here's 10 minutes.

42:22🔗 Caller Well, the last boyfriend went for like three or four hours.

42:26🔗 Matthew Lillard He was bored.

42:26🔗 Drew Yeah, that's not good.

42:28🔗 Adam Have you shared that with your new man?

42:30🔗 Caller Have I shared that? Yes, I think he knows that he doesn't last long enough.

42:35🔗 Adam No, have you shared the information about the old boyfriend?

42:37🔗 Matthew Lillard About the four hours.

42:41🔗 Adam No. Okay. I don't know what's going on with you, Kate. You sound a little white trashy. Am I right?

42:47🔗 Drew Angry.

42:47🔗 Caller I'm not white.

42:48🔗 Adam A little angry. Oh, you're not?

42:50🔗 Caller No.

42:51🔗 Adam I think we can make you honorary white trash just based on your behavior more than the color of your skin.

42:56🔗 Caller Because I want a guy to last longer.

42:59🔗 Adam You sound angry and kind of stupid, but what is your nationality? Okay. What's your nationality?

43:07🔗 Caller I'm Mexican.

43:11🔗 Adam And what's the other half of you?

43:13🔗 Caller White.

43:14🔗 Adam Well, that's the trash part. Now, nurse usually means crazy, by the way. Yes. Did you have to take care of every caretaker at home? Dad, alcoholic or something? I work at a hospital.

43:27🔗 Drew No, no. He means as a child.

43:28🔗 Adam As a child. Is somebody sick or somebody a drug addict?

43:33🔗 Drew In your family. You weren't a caretaker in your family system of origin.

43:35🔗 Matthew Lillard No.

43:36🔗 Drew And there was no alcoholism or drug addiction?

43:38🔗 Caller No.

43:39🔗 Adam Your dad hung out?

43:41🔗 Caller No. It's a very good family.

43:44🔗 Adam Where's your dad?

43:45🔗 Caller My dad?

43:46🔗 Adam Yeah.

43:46🔗 Caller Did I sleep at home?

43:48🔗 Adam Oh, so your parents were together the whole time you were a kid?

43:54🔗 Drew She said no, yeah.

43:55🔗 Adam She was just used to saying no. I got her on a no roll.

43:57🔗 Drew Yeah.

43:58🔗 Adam All right. Well, look, here's the thing. Does a guy give you oral sex?

44:04🔗 Drew Oh, she's not one of those.

44:05🔗 Adam You don't like the oral sex?

44:06🔗 Caller No. It's just not enough.

44:08🔗 Matthew Lillard It's not doing it. It's not fixing the problem.

44:11🔗 Adam Does he at least try to do a good job with the oral sex?

44:16🔗 Caller He does a good job.

44:17🔗 Drew She's the multi-gasmic type.

44:19🔗 Adam You need the penetration, right?

44:21🔗 Matthew Lillard You need it long. Well, I don't understand the viagra. Doesn't the viagra work?

44:25🔗 Drew Why doesn't he get some viagra? Kate?

44:30🔗 Adam Kate?

44:31🔗 Drew Why doesn't he get viagra or Cialis or Levitra?

44:33🔗 Adam I don't know.

44:35🔗 Caller He got the free pills online and they didn't seem to work.

44:38🔗 Drew Kate, first of all, you are not an RN. There's no way. You're not an RN. You're practically retarded. I don't think you're an LVN. So, if you don't understand what the medicine he's taking, you're a nurse's aide or something, right? Are you a nurse's aide, Kate, or not? Huh? You're a nurse's aide. Yeah. Listen. Have him get one of the nitric oxide medications, the Levitra, Cialis, or Viagra. If it's important for you that he have a sustained erection after your orgasms, that's how you work that out. If that's critical for you. Otherwise, this is just his biology and you can't change that.

45:17🔗 Adam I don't know if the phone is cutting in or out or Kate's cutting in and out.

45:20🔗 Drew Her brain is cutting in and out.

45:23🔗 Matthew Lillard Is it?

45:23🔗 Adam She's an EMP?

45:24🔗 Matthew Lillard She doesn't believe it. You're saying that- It's biological. She's an EMP.

45:29🔗 Drew Yeah.

45:30🔗 Matthew Lillard It's biological. You can't control how long you hang in there.

45:33🔗 Drew Guys, you can control it. You can sort of learn, but basically he's not going from 10 minutes to three hours. Never. That's not going to happen. He can go a second time. It can go from 10 minutes maybe to 20 minutes, but she wants to set the tempo. He's going to have to adjust his biology.

45:50🔗 Adam I got such a weird vibe off of Kate. There's something wrong with her and I can't put my finger on it.

45:56🔗 Matthew Lillard I thought she was fine. I think it could have been you calling her white trash. Maybe she didn't like that.

46:00🔗 Adam My spidey sense was tingling the second she got on the line. Drew, right? There's something wrong with her and I can't figure it out, but she's angry. I know that.

46:08🔗 Drew It's a trauma thing.

46:09🔗 Matthew Lillard Her boyfriends are dead.

46:10🔗 Adam Somebody did something to her.

46:11🔗 Drew As soon as Adam becomes abusive to somebody that has been a trauma victim, he immediately abuses.

46:16🔗 Adam That's right.

46:17🔗 Drew That's how you can tell.

46:18🔗 Adam Awesome.

46:19🔗 Matthew Lillard So all of you out there looking for help, please call in. Hang out with Adam.

46:22🔗 Adam Matthew Lillard in tonight. Without a Paddle, name of the new joint. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

46:30🔗 Matthew Lillard Here's the deal. You're looking to hook up?

46:32🔗 Sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

46:33🔗 Matthew Lillard One call is all you need to make.

46:35🔗 Drew Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE.

46:50🔗 Matthew Lillard Hour brought to you in part by AXE. Experience the AXE Effect. How old are you in 71? 50?

47:15🔗 Adam Hello, hey everybody, it's the Loveline. Wow, Matthew Lillard digging into Dr. Drew. Sharing some of his plantain with the young Drews. Drews brought his boys in.

47:28🔗 Matthew Lillard Handsome fellows, you're going to have a handful there in high school. Those fellows are good looking boys.

47:32🔗 Adam Good looking.

47:33🔗 Drew Good times.

47:33🔗 Adam And big feet. Means they're going to be big. Big, good looking boys. Let's hope Drew doesn't get my personality disorder with all his crazy demands. Let me tell you something, Drew, it pertains to love and kids. You love something, set it free. If it comes back, then you yell at it. I don't know how the rest goes. But the point is, don't put too much pressure on the kids.

47:58🔗 Drew I hear you.

47:59🔗 Adam You know what I'm saying?

48:00🔗 Drew Yeah.

48:00🔗 Adam Look at me. I grew wild like Ivy.

48:03🔗 Drew And like I said to you once, you almost punched me. It was like, imagine what you could have done if somebody actually developed you.

48:10🔗 Adam Imagine what I could have done. Secret agent, gymnast, what do you think?

48:14🔗 Drew Man of mystery.

48:16🔗 Adam Please. Look, first off, I'm literally a millionaire. What you need to do, what you need to focus on is how much money you'd be making if I didn't come on to this show, instead of my potential. What would have been? Yeah, I'll tell you what would have been. You wouldn't have been driving a Daihatsu charade in here tonight. Those two kids duct taped to the roof instead of your BMW. Matt? Yes, sir. Oh, sorry, wrong man. You know, I'm going to work as a consultant to companies when they try to come up with bad names for things. We're going to call our car the charade. Slow down. Slow down, folks. Yeah, I know it's a beautiful flower in your land. Here it just means someone is trying to pull the wool over someone's eyes. No, no. No, we're not going to have it. I'll just call it something else where you got it. Call it a charade where you got it, and here you call it the turbo thrush. You know what I mean? Yes?

49:10🔗 Drew Perfect.

49:11🔗 Adam You ready to rock?

49:11🔗 Drew Yeah.

49:12🔗 Adam Matthew Lillard in here tonight, by the way, Without a Paddle, name of the new movie, coming out in about an hour.

49:18🔗 Drew Yeah.

49:19🔗 Adam Because it's going to be tomorrow.

49:20🔗 Drew Is there going to be a midnight showing somewhere?

49:21🔗 Matthew Lillard I don't think so.

49:22🔗 Adam Oh.

49:23🔗 Matthew Lillard We're a little bit of the underdogs of the summer. I don't think anyone expects us to do huge business, but I think we're really going to fire it up this weekend.

49:32🔗 Adam What other comedies are out right now?

49:34🔗 Matthew Lillard Not a lot of comedies are out right now. Harold and Kumar came out, and that's now kind of gone, and then Open Water comes out tomorrow and Exorcist comes out tomorrow.

49:45🔗 Adam Wait a minute. Open Water has been out for a few weeks.

49:47🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah. Limited release is going big.

49:51🔗 Drew What does that mean?

49:51🔗 Matthew Lillard It's the shark movie.

49:52🔗 Drew Oh, yeah.

49:53🔗 Adam But that's not a comedy by any stretch of the imagination.

49:55🔗 Matthew Lillard No, no, no. I think that's our market right now.

49:57🔗 Adam And then you got your Alien vs. Predator. And you got your new Tom Cruise flick and all that stuff.

50:05🔗 Drew The Lovely Zone.

50:06🔗 Adam The Lovely.

50:07🔗 Matthew Lillard I will say that if you're going to see one movie this year, it should be Without a Paddle. If you're going to see two movies, that Garden State's kind of charming little movie. Garden State, the Zach Braff and...

50:17🔗 Adam Not just seeing the ads for it.

50:19🔗 Matthew Lillard Paramount's now turning in their graves, promoting another movie. But it's a great little movie.

50:24🔗 Adam They don't really work that if you can only see one movie this year, Angle, like they used to about eight years ago, because I think they figured out, well, who's going to stop you from seeing more than one movie? Right. It doesn't really make sense, or you're on that fixed income. I can see either one nighttime showing or two matinees, but that's it for the year and no popcorn. All right. Let's talk to Matt, who's 24. Matt? What's happening? You keep throwing me off.

50:51🔗 Caller There's too many math on the show. Well, first of all, thanks for taking my call.

50:56🔗 Caller Matthew Lillard, I wanted to say I love you and SLC Punk.

51:00🔗 Caller Yeah. I just wanted to ask, you three guys are all married. I'm getting married in 22 days. I want to know what's your advice for somebody getting married? Everybody says it's pretty hard.

51:15🔗 Adam Yeah. How's your bitch?

51:21🔗 Caller I'll reach through this phone and.

51:23🔗 Adam Are they? No. I mean, no one. I mean, that bad is good, you know what I mean?

51:28🔗 Caller She's a good woman.

51:29🔗 Adam She's good? Here's the whole thing. No one really talks about this too much. They talk about these tips for marriage and stuff. If you're a reasonable person and a good person and an easy person to hang with, you're a good roommate kind of thing and she's a reasonable and easy person to hang with. Now, Drew, I know you're making the face. Well, you're painting the ass and so is your wife. That's the problem.

51:52🔗 Drew It works great.

51:52🔗 Adam It works great. But I'm just saying, you're maintenance like a Bugatti. You're crazy. If you're a nice Camry like Matthew Lillard over here and Ace Corolla, it's easy going.

52:05🔗 Drew The reason I'm saying that sometimes it can be hidden aggression and things like that and the easy going types.

52:11🔗 Adam Well, then you're not truly easy going.

52:15🔗 Drew It's hard for people to understand that sometimes. I think the thing to do, A, don't get married in your early 20s because the data on that is bad. That's the fact. How old are you now? Marriages from the 20s do not last.

52:26🔗 Adam He's 24. I was calling from Kansas.

52:29🔗 Matthew Lillard But I do think it's a regional thing. In California, it's much different in Michigan.

52:33🔗 Drew I'm not saying you can't have a good marriage in your 20s. I'm just saying that you want to stack the cards in your favor, that's something you can do. Next thing you do, you look at each other's scripts. What kind of family system do you come from? Chaos, broken? Just know that unless you've had treatment, you're going to recreate what you lived through in your family system, no matter how hard you try not to, or you're going to go so far the other direction that you're going to create pathology on that side of the spectrum. So you have to really look at these things carefully and consider whether or not somebody, maybe some premarital counseling, that kind of thing.

53:02🔗 Adam Matt?

53:03🔗 Drew Yeah?

53:03🔗 Adam Does she love her daddy?

53:06🔗 Caller Actually, her father died when she was 13.

53:09🔗 Drew That could be good.

53:09🔗 Adam Could be good. It could be what we call mitzvah.

53:12🔗 Drew Did she say thank God? Hold on.

53:15🔗 Adam Is there anyone, or a worse doctor? Father passed away at 13. OK, now we got something. That's something to work with.

53:21🔗 Drew That's the upside.

53:22🔗 Adam Fantastic.

53:22🔗 Drew That's the upside.

53:24🔗 Adam All right. All right, so that sounded good. One for one. What else?

53:27🔗 Drew When this show receives the abuse of alcoholic dad, not getting a dead dad is a better thing.

53:31🔗 Adam Well, did she love her dad?

53:34🔗 Caller Yes, she did.

53:35🔗 Adam And how did he pass away? What happened?

53:38🔗 Caller He got cancer.

53:39🔗 Caller All right.

53:40🔗 Adam So that's traumatizing. But it's not going to...

53:45🔗 Drew At 13, it's pretty good. You're good.

53:47🔗 Adam You just dodged a bullet there. Yeah, if it happened at 9, that's a bitch. 13 is right on the cusp, though.

53:54🔗 Caller She had some big issues with her mom after all of that.

53:57🔗 Caller And she got some counseling for that.

53:59🔗 Adam What did her mom do? Start dating too fast or something?

54:03🔗 Caller No, her mom just kind of never dealt with the grief in front of her.

54:07🔗 Caller And my fiance found it real hard to deal with the grief.

54:10🔗 Drew Yeah, that's all good. That all sounds very open by the way.

54:14🔗 Adam She loved her dad. And what about you? You're cool with your mom? Yeah, my parents are both still married. Now, you guys will be aiding together and waiting to die.

54:27🔗 Matthew Lillard There's a whole theory that the first year can be tough. Do you guys live together now?

54:34🔗 Drew Here's another thing that people don't factor into. Are you, and this is going to sound very vague. I'm not sure I can articulate in a way that's fair. But are you really into each other? I mean, are you just sort of, OK, this is good. This is comfortable. Or do we have some passion here?

54:50🔗 Caller I'd say there's a fair amount of passion. We've been dating for five years.

54:56🔗 Adam True. Why? What are you getting at?

54:58🔗 Drew Because the passion is a dangerous thing, right? It's really the unhealthy piece is what creates the passion. But you'll want to have enough of that because it's renewing. And somebody who has comes from a good family system and who has parents been together and stuff, that can be important to have that.

55:15🔗 Adam Important to have the passion.

55:16🔗 Drew A little bit of it, yeah.

55:17🔗 Adam Why from a good family?

55:18🔗 Drew Because if you feel a lot of passion from a bad family, that's dragging you into the bad stuff.

55:24🔗 Matthew Lillard Right.

55:24🔗 Adam Right. That's bad passion.

55:26🔗 Drew Right.

55:26🔗 Matthew Lillard It's just anger.

55:27🔗 Adam It's like cholesterol.

55:28🔗 Matthew Lillard It's energy. No, it's attraction.

55:29🔗 Drew It's attraction to trauma. When we're traumatized, things we didn't like in our childhood, we find attractive in our adult life. They're arousing. We're into it. We're drawn to it, like a moth to a flame.

55:40🔗 Adam Yeah.

55:41🔗 Matthew Lillard So if I like getting spanked.

55:43🔗 Drew That's because you were spanked whenever. You didn't like it.

55:46🔗 Adam Yeah.

55:46🔗 Matthew Lillard There you have it.

55:48🔗 Adam That's healthy.

55:49🔗 Matthew Lillard I like a little paddle every now and then.

55:51🔗 Adam That's you know you're alive.

55:53🔗 Matthew Lillard Kumbaya, I'm in. I'm down.

55:56🔗 Adam All right, Drew, don't get too cathartic with the crazy passion part.

55:59🔗 Drew Matthew scared me.

56:00🔗 Adam No, he's fine.

56:01🔗 Matthew Lillard Can we hold hands again?

56:02🔗 Drew No, not now.

56:03🔗 Matthew Lillard One real quick hold.

56:04🔗 Adam No more hanging with Drew's kids, by the way. Glenis? Glenis? You're 19? Is it Glenis?

56:15🔗 Caller Glenis.

56:17🔗 Adam All right, what's up?

56:20🔗 Caller Actually, two days ago, me and my fiancee were fooling around. And he was fingering me, and as I was coming, there was this fluid that came out of me. And I'm not sure what that is and if that's normal or.

56:38🔗 Drew Female ejaculation, that's normal.

56:40🔗 Caller Yes. OK.

56:41🔗 Adam Normal.

56:42🔗 Drew Good times. Phew, she's ready to go.

56:45🔗 Adam Well, what did you think the problem was? You think it was urine?

56:47🔗 Drew Spray a leak?

56:48🔗 Caller Yeah, at first. I wasn't really sure.

56:52🔗 Adam All right, well, you're cool now, though, right?

56:55🔗 Caller Yeah, I guess so.

56:57🔗 Matthew Lillard Did it feel good?

56:59🔗 Caller Yeah.

56:59🔗 Matthew Lillard It's all good.

57:01🔗 Drew Adam, when are we going to get that class going for Americans, that sort of life 101, or I'm a human 101? I think that's what I want to call it. When we talk about basic psychology and basic meaningful physiology of physical functions, death and dying, you know, disease, just a little bit of life.

57:19🔗 Matthew Lillard A little info?

57:20🔗 Adam Yeah, a little info. Look, how to fill out a job application, how to balance a checkbook.

57:26🔗 Drew I'm a human 101.

57:27🔗 Adam Just a little stuff like that.

57:28🔗 Matthew Lillard If that's a guy, if something comes out of a guy and he's orgasming, he's like, I don't care. A midget can come out of a dude and he'll be like, I'm fine. I just came.

57:37🔗 Adam Something came out. I'm done.

57:38🔗 Matthew Lillard Perfect.

57:39🔗 Adam Yeah. And let me say this about life 101. You know, one of my tips, one of my first tips, when you put the cup of noodles in the microwave, don't go 20 seconds, don't go 30 seconds, don't go one minute. Instead of 30 seconds, go 33 seconds. You don't have to pick your finger up and put it on the zero. You see what I'm saying?

57:59🔗 Drew These sorts of efficiencies.

58:00🔗 Adam 20.

58:01🔗 Drew Boom, boom.

58:01🔗 Adam Boom, boom. Boom, boom. Do you hear me?

58:04🔗 Drew That's efficient.

58:05🔗 Adam Instead of 45 seconds, 44. Boom, boom. Here's the problem. People randomly decided, well, I'll put it in for a minute, or I'll put it in for a minute and a half, or two minutes. But it's no better than a minute's no better than a minute and 11 seconds. See what I'm saying? Boom, boom, boom. That's three.

58:28🔗 Matthew Lillard Pow. The beginning of the week, you set the microwave for an hour, and you just put things in, and you hit start, and you take them out when you need to.

58:35🔗 Adam Ah. Ah.

58:37🔗 Matthew Lillard How about that?

58:37🔗 Adam I'll tell you what's wrong with that.

58:39🔗 Drew You can't walk away from it.

58:40🔗 Adam You forget. You walk away. It happens once in a while when you hook up with a rogue microwave, like at work. And you're just putting your cup of whatever, you're warming something up, and you're trying to hit 30 seconds. But for some reason, it pops up three minutes, and you do that thing where you go, oh, all right, well, three minutes. I'll just come back in 40 seconds and grab it. And then two and a half minutes later, you smell something burning. Well, you're talking in the hall of some A-Hall, whose name you can't remember. Right? 33 instead of 30. Boom, boom. And what does a minute and 11 seconds sound like, Drew? Boom, boom, boom.

59:13🔗 Matthew Lillard Boom.

59:14🔗 Adam Yeah, what's more, boom, boom, boom? Boom.

59:17🔗 Matthew Lillard And then you have to hit the start. Boom, ba-boom, pop. Pop.

59:22🔗 Adam That's it. Paige? Yeah, hold on a second. I know, because I went to high school, I went to junior high, took these ridiculous cooking classes and sewing classes and horticulture. Drew, if you saw, if you could be like the ghost of education past or future and just float above me and see me in my ceramics class for 16 hours a day, you would be vomiting. You would be like projectile vomiting.

59:49🔗 Matthew Lillard Useless.

59:50🔗 Adam I couldn't find goddamn New York on the map, and not the map that didn't have states written on it. I mean, the one that said New York, I couldn't find New York on the map when I left high school. It never took geography, never any Latin or anything like that. Never anything, cooking, sewing, horticulture, ceramics.

1:00:10🔗 Matthew Lillard Metal, metal shop, metal shop. You make shanks on the side.

1:00:15🔗 Adam Warehousing.

1:00:15🔗 Drew How far would it have been just to expose you to some material, just expose you to it?

1:00:20🔗 Adam Never heard a lick of classical music or any exposed to any classic literature. Then we didn't read Moby Dick, and there was nothing even close to that. It was just sit there and warehouse the tards. That's all it was. There was a sign, we slapped on the way in. You know when Notre Dame football team hits the field, says play like champions or something, they whack them. Ours was warehouse the tards, and everyone who came in, boom, bam, every student just slapped them.

1:00:49🔗 Matthew Lillard They hit their head, bam, hit their head, bam, hit their head.

1:00:52🔗 Adam The doorway was only five, nine. Pow, warehouse the tards. It was big plaque. I think it must have been from the 30s. Yeah. All right. Let's keep going, Drew. You're making me depressed now. Here we go. Think what I could have done. Think what my potential could have been, Drew.

1:01:07🔗 Drew How dare you? How dare you?

1:01:09🔗 Adam Paige? You're 23? I'd like to sue. I'd like to sue my counselors. I'd like to sue everyone involved in my education. You know, you've got some. I'm going to sue my parents, and then I'm suing the LA Unified School District.

1:01:21🔗 Drew I think the LA Unified should be responsible for what they've done.

1:01:24🔗 Adam And here's what my lawyer's going to do. He's going to put up a big map of the United States, and he's going to go, find Florida. And I'm going to go right in the middle of the country, poke my finger, just right in like those square cities and states in the middle of the country, he's going, no, no, sweetie, it's by the ocean. And then I'm going up to Canada. That's where I'm going. I'm going way past Canada, going into like the Bering Straits and stuff. And they're going to be, no, no, it sticks out. And then I'm going to Italy, because it's going to be a world one. And then I say, arrest my case. And there's no judge in the land that wouldn't award me millions of dollars.

1:01:59🔗 Drew All right.

1:02:00🔗 Adam You ready to rock?

1:02:00🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:02:01🔗 Adam Paige?

1:02:02🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:02:03🔗 Adam Paige, you're 23.

1:02:04🔗 Caller Yep.

1:02:05🔗 Caller I've been married for three years.

1:02:07🔗 Adam And then you know what the next one's going to be? I don't know how I'm going to work out. He's going to go, I'm pregnant and I'm leaving him. What is the prime meridian? And my head will explode. Just guts and brain matter everywhere.

1:02:18🔗 Drew Tropic of cancer.

1:02:21🔗 Adam And then that's it. We'll collect the money. I mean, I mean, I'm my next to kin. Paige?

1:02:27🔗 Caller Yep.

1:02:28🔗 Adam Sorry. Go ahead. 23.

1:02:29🔗 Drew You've been married three years.

1:02:31🔗 Caller I just recently split with my husband. We were trying to have a baby about five months ago and I was getting sick a lot and so I was going to the doctor quite frequently.

1:02:44🔗 Drew What were you getting sick with?

1:02:49🔗 Caller Just colds a lot and flu, stuff like that. Anyway, I was going to the doctor a lot and I got tested positive for HIV. I confronted my husband and he admitted cheating on me with one of the strippers at his bachelor party. I made him go to the doctor and he tested positive also. So I was kind of wondering what I could do.

1:03:14🔗 Drew So what are you doing for HIV now?

1:03:18🔗 Caller They're putting me on some medication. I don't remember the name of it as of right now because I've only been on it for a couple weeks.

1:03:24🔗 Drew Well why don't you grab the bottle and tell me what it is?

1:03:26🔗 Caller Hold on one sec.

1:03:28🔗 Adam Drew just wants to make sure it's not bogus.

1:03:30🔗 Matthew Lillard But isn't it almost statistically impossible, not impossible, but very hard for a man to get HIV from a woman?

1:03:41🔗 Adam God I hope so.

1:03:42🔗 Drew It's difficult but it's not impossible.

1:03:48🔗 Matthew Lillard When I hooked up with my wife, she made me go get tested. And I said, wow, I was a little dirty then. And my doctor looked at me and said, wait, have you ever done any of these drugs? No. And he said, have you ever had gay sex? I said, just once in college.

1:04:02🔗 Adam Seth Green doesn't count.

1:04:03🔗 Matthew Lillard But that doesn't count with Seth. And I said, no, of course not. And he said, there's no reason to take the test.

1:04:09🔗 Adam Oh no, haven't you seen the commercials? Anybody can get it. We all have the same chance whether we live in the Hades and just stand at the end of glory holes or you're just a 22 year old white guy who's from Salt Lake City and engages nothing but heterosexual sex. We all, it's the same. It's equal. It's equal. We're all in greater danger as anybody else. I don't know why they got to ram that stuff up everyone's ass. That's why. And by the way, it's not discriminating to say that sickle cell attacks black people and doesn't really attack white people. That's what the disease does. The disease works with-

1:04:46🔗 Drew PASACs. It's Jewish people.

1:04:47🔗 Adam It does? That's it. And those curly things that hang off where the sideburns are? Does it pass? Something. The point is, there's certain things that focus on certain groups all the time.

1:04:58🔗 Drew Genetically, absolutely.

1:04:59🔗 Adam Genetically. And yes, if you're doing intravenous drugs and you're engaging in homosexual behavior without protection, you have a much greater risk. I don't know. Why do you have to do it? It's all the same. Have you? Well, I've never been with anyone and my partner's a virgin. It doesn't matter. You have to put a condom on because we're all, why do you have to drag everyone in? What is that? It's a super weird liberal faggity thing. What is that?

1:05:22🔗 Drew Well, I think it was when the epidemic was going.

1:05:25🔗 Adam That's stupid.

1:05:26🔗 Drew Well, people didn't know how far it was going to go.

1:05:27🔗 Adam Oh, those faggity actors with all their crap. Just shut up. And look, oh, wait, you might want to do a rant on this, Drew. Paige? Paige?

1:05:37🔗 Drew Yeah, she magically took off.

1:05:39🔗 Adam Well, she went and got her medication. Hold on a second. Paige?

1:05:44🔗 Matthew Lillard Can I say the worst thing about getting tested? They do that swab. That is the most painful thing.

1:05:53🔗 Adam Really?

1:05:54🔗 Matthew Lillard Scrape. You call it scrape. I call it acid in my urethra.

1:05:57🔗 Drew Oh, that swab.

1:05:58🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, that thing.

1:05:59🔗 Adam That's not HIV.

1:06:01🔗 Drew That's chlamydia.

1:06:02🔗 Matthew Lillard No, but you get the whole test. You do the whole barrage. You do the whole...

1:06:06🔗 Adam Well, you, you, you do the whole barrage.

1:06:08🔗 Drew Your wife insisted you do the whole barrage.

1:06:10🔗 Matthew Lillard Well, she's a smart woman.

1:06:11🔗 Adam I like that, though. It's like when you buy a new house. You have the guy come through with the flashlight.

1:06:15🔗 Matthew Lillard Mold testing.

1:06:16🔗 Adam Yeah, he comes back. It's like, uh, Lillard's not fit to be inhabited.

1:06:23🔗 Matthew Lillard Ask for less than the asking price.

1:06:25🔗 Adam I'm going to yell at tape his underpants. I don't want anyone going in there. Counter. Yeah, we have to have a hazmat team go in there and clean things out first. He's got asbestos in his urine. He's a mess. All right. I don't know where Paige is. Paige?

1:06:39🔗 Drew She took off.

1:06:40🔗 Adam But how does she take off? Doesn't she have to hang up or something? Or is it just her? She's just still sitting there.

1:06:45🔗 Drew She may be going online and looking for antiretroviral masks.

1:06:48🔗 Adam How come we don't hear anything? Then she's supposed to put the phone down?

1:06:54🔗 Matthew Lillard Bounce.

1:06:54🔗 Adam I'm putting her back on hold. But I got to go on a quick rant here about this HIV thing, which I was yelling at Drew about on the ride home the other night.

1:07:02🔗 Matthew Lillard You guys ride in together?

1:07:04🔗 Drew We don't talk enough when we're here. So on the way home, we got to talk.

1:07:08🔗 Adam The evil, divisive rants spill out into the parking lot and then go onto the freeway, too, because I'm fired up. Look, here's the whole thing. Oh, God, I hate everybody. We're just talking about how HIV is something you live with now, whereas you died 10 years ago. And it just used to be a death sentence immediately. Drew, when you first started hearing about this...

1:07:32🔗 Drew When I was in training, I would routinely be telling people they had three months to live. When they came in with their pneumocystis granuli pneumonia and they were first being diagnosed, we'd say you have three months.

1:07:41🔗 Adam Right.

1:07:41🔗 Matthew Lillard Was it true? I mean, was that...

1:07:42🔗 Drew Absolutely.

1:07:43🔗 Matthew Lillard Really?

1:07:44🔗 Drew Absolutely. Now it's, hey, you're going to live with this the rest of your life, like diabetes.

1:07:48🔗 Matthew Lillard No, come on. It's that under control.

1:07:51🔗 Drew Absolutely. Magic Johnson? Does he look...

1:07:55🔗 Matthew Lillard No, but you know that there's a guy out there that gets away with it, but you don't think...

1:08:00🔗 Drew No, HIV is a chronic disease now. It used to be a month, on the order of months, death sentence. Now it's a chronic illness.

1:08:07🔗 Adam Right.

1:08:08🔗 Drew Absolutely. I didn't know that.

1:08:09🔗 Adam I had no idea.

1:08:10🔗 Drew It is one of the most miraculous stories in the history of medicine that within a few years of a disorder appearing, its epidemiology worked out, the causative agent isolated, and very effective treatments.

1:08:22🔗 Adam But Drew, I thought the man wasn't doing anything.

1:08:25🔗 Drew The man created it, and it's all a product. In fact, the medication is making HIV disease, making AIDS.

1:08:34🔗 Adam Is this now these medications, these holistic medications, or are they produced by huge drug companies?

1:08:41🔗 Drew These drug companies are doing billions of dollars of research.

1:08:43🔗 Adam So listen, here's the point. This country never gets tired of complaining about the man, oh, the big drug companies, oh, the big drug companies. They're saving your goddamn lives, okay? I don't care what they charge. You're alive. I don't care what they do. They're a business. All they ever, everyone did was whine, oh, we're not getting research, we're not getting proper funding, or the drug companies aren't, shut your pie hole. We got rid of your crappy disease. Please. And how about some thanks for the man? How about all you bleeding heart whining wussies that did nothing but complain about what the man isn't doing and the drug companies and the Republicans and the administration and how it was gay, bad, you know, how about a little thanks now?

1:09:24🔗 Drew They cured it. It took 6,000 years to identify and figure out how to treat and cure syphilis. 6,000 years.

1:09:30🔗 Adam That's right.

1:09:30🔗 Drew It took 20 years for HIV.

1:09:32🔗 Adam That's right.

1:09:33🔗 Drew It's amazing.

1:09:33🔗 Matthew Lillard By the way, it's still not available worldwide. I mean, Africa still has...

1:09:38🔗 Adam They have troubles.

1:09:39🔗 Matthew Lillard It's ridiculous. Make it available.

1:09:41🔗 Adam We've refocused on the man now. Okay, so you've cleaned it up in this country. Your work is not done. Now, go help another continent that can't stop effing themselves without condoms. Well, jeez, we don't have that. Aha! More discrimination from the man. Please. Go kiss up John's ass. Go kiss Pfizer's ass. Go tell him you apologize for all the crappy things you said about him and then thank them for saving your life and all your artsy friends. And then go to Africa and go help him. And shut up. Please. I can't stand that. It's always a big conspiracy and it's discrimination and if these guys weren't gay and the man's not doing this, well, it's under control now, isn't it? It's been a blink of an eye, relatively. The blink of an eye.

1:10:27🔗 Drew Unprecedented.

1:10:28🔗 Adam Unprecedented. And now it's in Africa and we got to do something about that. Go ahead. All you guys that were complaining, get on a plane. Go to your beloved Africa.

1:10:35🔗 Matthew Lillard Why should they do something about cancer?

1:10:37🔗 Adam Yeah, why not, Drew?

1:10:38🔗 Drew I mean, that's too many different kinds. It's hundreds of different diseases. Each cancer is a completely different disease.

1:10:44🔗 Adam And, by the way, if we weren't putting all the time and research into AIDS over the last 15 years, maybe we could have made a move on something like cancer, which takes a lot more people. But no, we had to go all work on the disease de jure. It got very popular, that disease.

1:10:59🔗 Matthew Lillard That disease got very popular. Yeah, HIV became the thing, you know, AIDS walks, so everyone's like marching and organizing behind this disease. What we need to do is get the cancer a PR campaign.

1:11:12🔗 Drew Cancer is hundreds of different diseases.

1:11:13🔗 Adam Here's the thing, we got so caught, here's where we got caught up in. We got so caught up in second hand smoke and HIV that we didn't have enough to put into cancer because, you know, first rate killer is second hand smoke and then the handful of people that died of HIV, oh, please.

1:11:31🔗 Drew People argue that the smoking and second hand smoke campaign is an attempt at dealing with cancer.

1:11:36🔗 Adam Alright.

1:11:36🔗 Drew Alright. Yeah, second hand smoke, second hand smoke became first rate kill.

1:11:43🔗 Adam Right.

1:11:44🔗 Matthew Lillard Second hand smoke.

1:11:44🔗 Adam Not Rob Reiner. He said it killed 54,000 people last year. So you guys got to work it out.

1:11:48🔗 Drew Wait, maybe not.

1:11:49🔗 Adam Maybe you can meet in the middle. Maybe they're willing to lie down to like 25.

1:11:53🔗 Drew I love Cartman's copy.

1:11:55🔗 Adam I don't know. I'm jagging. But look, all you pussies who never stopped complaining, go to Africa. They got AIDS problem over there. Go over there and help. Go do something. Get on your plane and go help. Stop your whining and go help. Alright? Or shut up! Idiots. Let's take a quick break. Matthew Lillard is here. I just want to thank.

1:12:15🔗 Matthew Lillard Why are you looking at him in the eyes, by the way? As he screams at Dr. Drew, he looks him in the eyes and screams at Drew. This has happened every night?

1:12:24🔗 Drew Every kiss would be with somebody.

1:12:25🔗 Adam I'm just saying thank the man. Start kissing the man's ass. Start thanking the man.

1:12:30🔗 Drew Thank you, man.

1:12:30🔗 Adam Because you guys didn't come up with the cure. The man did. Don't forget that.

1:12:34🔗 Drew They can always buy the medicine.

1:12:36🔗 Adam The yoga and all that. No, you didn't come up with ass. The man did. Go thank him. Thank you. We'll take a quick break. We'll be back. Loveline.

1:12:48🔗 Drew My hair. Loveline is brought to you by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Law enforcement is cracking down from coast to coast. No matter where you are, if you drive under the influence, you will be arrested. You drink and drive, you lose.

1:13:16🔗 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam Carolla, that is Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191, Matthew Lillard is here. Summer Catch is coming out on DVD.

1:13:30🔗 Drew Stop!

1:13:31🔗 Matthew Lillard Scooby-Doo 2 is coming out on DVD.

1:13:35🔗 Drew I like Scooby-Doo 2.

1:13:36🔗 Matthew Lillard You didn't like it?

1:13:37🔗 Drew I did like it.

1:13:38🔗 Matthew Lillard Oh, you did? It's actually a much better movie than the first movie.

1:13:40🔗 Drew I agree with you. It was really good.

1:13:42🔗 Adam I even think that...

1:13:45🔗 Drew It was a good film.

1:13:45🔗 Matthew Lillard Bad release. I think Warner Brothers dropped the ball in the release. Who cares?

1:13:50🔗 Adam I think Roper Ebert liked it. One of them was saying how much they liked it.

1:13:59🔗 Matthew Lillard It's a great movie. It's a great movie for kids, great movie for families.

1:14:02🔗 Drew No, it had an interesting story.

1:14:04🔗 Matthew Lillard Actually, I thought it was really good.

1:14:05🔗 Adam I got to kiss a little actor ass I've done with Matthew before. But everyone gets caught up in these, the guy's struggling with his sexuality, he doesn't have the use of his arm, and he has a bad accent. To me, the tallest order is playing somebody that people are familiar with. Like becoming shaggy, while not Oscar worthy, is something we couldn't do.

1:14:31🔗 Drew You actually at one point went on a last year Oscars, went on a long jag about it being Oscar worthy. You remember that?

1:14:38🔗 Adam No.

1:14:39🔗 Matthew Lillard Corolla, hug me.

1:14:41🔗 Adam Here's what I said though. I did say, if you took, what I was saying.

1:14:47🔗 Drew You didn't say give him an Oscar. You said, this is a tall order. And if you consider what an Oscar should be.

1:14:53🔗 Adam It sounds ridiculous. But if someone said, look, you got to play an alcoholic cop, I'd be like, fine. If they said, you've got to play a speed racer, I'd be like, I can't do it. That's not going to work.

1:15:06🔗 Matthew Lillard The hardest thing about that movie is the dog. I mean, the fact that there's nothing there was the toughest thing. I mean, the impression is one thing.

1:15:13🔗 Drew There was no guy in a suit or anything? No.

1:15:16🔗 Matthew Lillard Well, I mean, there was a point where in the first movie, we had a little person. What's the PC term? Not midget.

1:15:23🔗 Adam Shrimp.

1:15:24🔗 Matthew Lillard We had a vertically challenged guy, Chris Kershanks, who would dress up in a dog suit for crowd scenes. He'd dress up in a dog suit, a Scooby outfit, and attach a wagon to him, and he'd walk around behind me so that people could see where Scooby Doo was walking, which was a very bizarre thing because I'd take off running and I'm tall and I'm a fast mammal, and he's a slow mammal, and I'd come booking around the corner like, he's a lynx, and then all of a sudden, out comes Chris Kershanks in his little wagon tipping over 10 seconds behind me.

1:15:56🔗 Adam By the way, it must have been a great conversation he had with his agent. Chris, baby, how are you, baby doll? Love you. Look, got a gig. No, no, no, I don't know. I don't know what's going on with the Under the Rainbow Three, but just listen to me, baby doll. Scooby-Doo, know I'm loving? Beautiful. I'm going to get you 10 weeks work. Union scale is going to be great. Getting a dog outfit, getting the red flyer, getting the radar flyer. Lillard's going to be dragging you around. He's fast, so you got to hang. And I think we can get you a bump, because it's going to be dangerous. Yeah, that's awesome.

1:16:32🔗 Matthew Lillard Actually, you know, I talked about Seth Green, and I just want to take two seconds. It drives me crazy that Dax Shepard from Punk to MTV's Punk is now the hottest kid in Hollywood. This kid right now, big movie star.

1:16:45🔗 Adam Just ask him.

1:16:46🔗 Matthew Lillard No, well, he is, though. He's taking off right now.

1:16:49🔗 Adam He is.

1:16:50🔗 Matthew Lillard And a very talented guy. I love him, and I couldn't be happier.

1:16:52🔗 Adam Oh, you want to give some props to Dax?

1:16:55🔗 Matthew Lillard I mean, I could be happy, but I'd like to break his knees and slow him down a little, because in one movie, he's kind of rocketed past me.

1:17:01🔗 Adam Well, that's the thing, too, is you've got to watch out, because you're not going to be competing with the Seth Greens of the world, but the Dax Shepards of the world. You guys might get called into this.

1:17:11🔗 Matthew Lillard Oh, we just did. Mike Judge movie.

1:17:13🔗 Adam Uncomfortable.

1:17:14🔗 Matthew Lillard Between Dax and I, I guess, who won that war.

1:17:16🔗 Adam You.

1:17:17🔗 Matthew Lillard No. Oh, unfortunately.

1:17:19🔗 Adam Wow.

1:17:20🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, Dax Shepard. Big star. You heard it here first, big, big fricking star.

1:17:26🔗 Adam Yeah, and a nice guy came in here and sat down with us, what is it, two weeks ago now, Drew?

1:17:33🔗 Drew No, dyslexic anthropologist.

1:17:35🔗 Adam He won't be back on the show again, though, if he's going to be a big star. So let's hope he just stays. Keep it at B level.

1:17:40🔗 Drew Medium star, yeah.

1:17:41🔗 Adam High B, B plus. You get to the A.

1:17:43🔗 Matthew Lillard Oh, wow. I should never do this show again.

1:17:45🔗 Drew No, no, you and Seth, you and Seth, you and Seth are way up.

1:17:49🔗 Adam You're keeping it real. You're keeping it real.

1:17:51🔗 Drew Word.

1:17:52🔗 Adam Evan?

1:17:53🔗 Caller Yo. Give some praise for Dr. Drew. You are the man. Mr. Corolla, I go through the left turn red lights all the time.

1:18:02🔗 Adam Yes, thank you.

1:18:04🔗 Caller And Mr. Matthew Lillard, I bow down to your greatness as an actor. I loved SLC Punk. That's one of my favorite movies of all time.

1:18:15🔗 Adam Big cult classic. Everyone loves that movie.

1:18:18🔗 Drew Let me stop for a second, Evan. Do they have left turn arrows, red arrows in Boise?

1:18:23🔗 Caller Yes, they do. I just got off work, and it's about 1230 here, and I'm just about to drive through one right now. It's my routine.

1:18:36🔗 Adam Good, good man.

1:18:37🔗 Caller I constantly go through it.

1:18:38🔗 Adam Yeah, taking the streets back.

1:18:40🔗 Matthew Lillard Fifth of gin, blow the red lights.

1:18:42🔗 Adam Hold on, just one second. Let me just make sure everyone's up to speed here. And Matthew, I'd like you to do this as a celebrity. Your driving influences many other motorists.

1:18:52🔗 Matthew Lillard Of course.

1:18:53🔗 Adam Here's the deal. Somehow somebody decided we needed all these left turn arrows in Los Angeles, and they've been popping up probably at about five an intersection, you know, probably per week over the last like five years, all over the place. I don't mind the idea, you're trying to alleviate traffic more than two cars can turn left. The problem is, is they turn red at the end and the signal is still green. So you got a red arrow, you got people waiting, and oftentimes it's in the middle of the night. If you leave the studio and head out into Culver City, you get caught at one of those arrows. There are no cars coming. Your light is green, there's nothing going on. A week ago, you could have made the turn because the arrow wasn't there. Now you're sitting there waiting for the signal to cycle around. Here's my point. Why must we sit in the middle of the night with no traffic coming and a green light and not turn left? Why is that illegal to turn left? And here's my point. Just do it. Let's just turn left. Should we all just sit there? Is really we're going to let the state do this to us? Just sit there for no reason? If somebody you're just walking down the sidewalk and someone said, stop, it's dangerous to walk forward. And you said, but there's nothing in front of me. And they go, well, yeah, but at noon, there's things that are in front of you. The manhole covers open at noon. Yeah, I know. But it's one in the morning and it's not covered up now. No, you stay. You wait. Yeah, but nothing's... Wait, I'll give you a ticket. I mean, that's what it is. It's for another time. It is not that time. And they won't put them on timers, by the way. God forbid they have technology. Oh, they put the cameras up. They got the cameras up at the intersection and they got it worked out. So if you drive through a split second late, you get a ticket and a goddamn mail three days later. That technology they got. They don't have the timer part on the arrows. They can't do it. It sees no difference on a Sunday at four in the morning than it does at rush hour in the middle of the week. Really? We can't work that whole timer thing out? Nothing? Not technology wise?

1:21:02🔗 Matthew Lillard We cured AIDS for God's sake.

1:21:04🔗 Adam We cured AIDS. We did. The man did. Now, how come the man can't work the timer out on the arrow? Damn man. Here's the point. I want everyone to drive through these arrows. That's all I do. That's all I do. That's all I do. I'm telling you something. Now I'm on my feet, Drew, because I'm fired up. Let me tell you how crazy I am with these arrows. I not only drive through the arrow when I'm first in line, but if another car is waiting, a stooge, a lemming, a whipping boy, a puss is waiting, waiting so the man can tell them when it's okay to turn left, even though there's no traffic coming the other direction. But when a stooge is waiting and I'm coming up, I don't slide in behind him, I turn left in front of him from the other lane. And let me tell you a new record I set the other day. In Burbank, oh, you call it Burbank, but what do I call it, Drew?

1:21:58🔗 Drew Rape Bank.

1:21:59🔗 Adam Rape Bank, because all they do is write chicken ass tickets over there and rape the good citizens who are stupid enough to live in that town. All they do is rape, oh, jaywalking, there's nobody I know who hasn't gotten a jaywalking ticket in that dump. But the point is, is I drove by two banks of cars waiting for the arrow. Oh, yes, there's a place, double lane of stooges waiting for the arrow. And they went back like eight cars deep on both sides, just a whole parking lot of stooges waiting to turn left, big A, left in front of both of them, two lanes worth of left. And people are like, are you kidding, you're going to get killed. How am I going to get killed, there's no cars coming. How come you don't get killed at the other intersections? What about the intersections with no red arrow, are you going to get killed? You sit there and you go, I see no cars coming, I'm going to turn left. You're going to kill yourself, you will kill, really? You're going to kill, we've brainwashed, what's happened to this country?

1:23:08🔗 Matthew Lillard You've got to have the green light though, if you don't have the green light, you could get killed.

1:23:12🔗 Adam Oh yeah, you've got to have the green light.

1:23:13🔗 Matthew Lillard You've got to have the green.

1:23:14🔗 Adam You've got to have the green. Oh, this is all predicated on the green.

1:23:17🔗 Matthew Lillard You've got to, yeah, you've got to have the green.

1:23:19🔗 Adam It is green, it is green, but is.

1:23:22🔗 Matthew Lillard Blast away.

1:23:23🔗 Adam Is, God is my witness, I turned by two banks of pussies sitting there. Two of them, and often times do one, and then there's a one-two thing, oh, you know, because Burbank's filming. Give me a ticket. Give me a ticket, you pussies.

1:23:36🔗 Drew Do you know, I, the reason I'm not chiming in is I'm a beaten, beaten citizen.

1:23:41🔗 Adam Drew got a ticket.

1:23:42🔗 Drew Two tickets. Two?

1:23:44🔗 Matthew Lillard Photos?

1:23:45🔗 Drew No. One was in a trap, man, which I tried to fight, they told me to go to hell. Two tickets.

1:23:51🔗 Matthew Lillard Did you tell them who you were? Yeah.

1:23:52🔗 Drew I just got a letter from DMV saying I forgot a third taking a license.

1:23:55🔗 Adam Oh yeah.

1:23:56🔗 Drew So you're advising these people in ways that they should be aware of it.

1:23:59🔗 Adam Do it, you pussies.

1:24:01🔗 Drew That they are hardcore in this state is ridiculous.

1:24:04🔗 Adam Do it. Stop letting a man rape you. Do it. Don't let the man tell you what to do. Sitting there like a lemming weight to get hit by a drunk driver.

1:24:14🔗 Matthew Lillard Revolution now.

1:24:15🔗 Adam If we all do it, we'll all get away with it. It's safety in numbers, my children.

1:24:21🔗 Matthew Lillard Swing low.

1:24:23🔗 Adam That's right.

1:24:24🔗 Caller Free our people.

1:24:28🔗 Drew I need to clarify something. I'm looking at calls coming up here of people going, how dare you say the HIV is difficult to get for men? Let's be super clear about it. It is more difficult for a man to catch HIV during intercourse, vaginal intercourse, than for him to give it to a woman. As your doctor pointed out to you, Matthew, if you're not in a risk category, we basically don't test.

1:24:52🔗 Adam Oh, but we're all equal.

1:24:54🔗 Drew Because if you're not at risk of behavior, you're not going to have the virus.

1:24:57🔗 Matthew Lillard And women are a different thing. Women are a receptacle.

1:25:00🔗 Drew They're a receptacle, so there's a higher risk of transmission, but even them, although women of color are the most rapidly increasing population, we're going from 3 to 30. The numbers are still very small.

1:25:13🔗 Adam Now, when he was bringing drugs and guns into the people of color's neighborhood, he also brought the HIV.

1:25:20🔗 Drew And it's still almost exclusively in risk population.

1:25:23🔗 Matthew Lillard And you know.

1:25:23🔗 Drew People sleeping with.

1:25:24🔗 Matthew Lillard And guys know. And you know.

1:25:26🔗 Drew Sleeping with IV drug users. Sleeping with men who have sex with men. That's the population.

1:25:30🔗 Adam Everyone has an equal chance, please. How dare you? Evan?

1:25:34🔗 Caller Yeah. Well, here's the hypocrisy of it. The light I drove through, the very next two lights left turned the yield green.

1:25:43🔗 Adam Oh, yeah.

1:25:45🔗 Drew That's good. That's what you want.

1:25:46🔗 Adam That's good. But we don't have that. We don't have that kind of technology. And by the way, all we do is talk about get this city moving, please. We don't have that. They have Boise, for Christ's sake. There's three pickup trucks and all of Boise. And one guy to drive them. Evan, God bless you for driving through those red arrows. Is that it, Evan?

1:26:04🔗 Caller I have a question for Mr. Lillard.

1:26:07🔗 Adam Sorry, we're out of time. Go.

1:26:09🔗 Caller What do you plan on working on next?

1:26:12🔗 Matthew Lillard You know, Without a Paddle opens tomorrow. I'm hoping everyone motivates to see that. You know what the thing is? They think, by the way, we're the underdogs of the summer. Yeah. The only reason I'm the lead guy in this movie, the only reason I get to go on this movie is because they didn't want to pay anyone any money. The paramount was like, oh, we'll give them a shot because we're not going to give this movie a shot. And I think that this movie, hopefully, people will get out and see it and it will kill this weekend and it will teach them all that Seth Rie, Matthew Miller, Dax Shepard, big stars. Wicker Park, that has a big star in it. Josh Hartnett, that dreamy heartthrob from Pearl Harbor is in that film. It's me and him and two women. It's a remake of a French film called The Apartment. That comes out in September. That's actually a really good movie. And then I'm doing the 24-hour plays in New York on Broadway in September, early September, which is they take six writers and six directors and 24 actors and they get together at 10 o'clock on Sunday. And the writers write plays all through the night. They turn the plays in at 7 in the morning. At 7, between 7 and 8, the directors fight over the plays and they choose their plays. So basically, everyone shows up and the writers write plays for the actors that are involved. And the actors involved are Sam Rockwell and myself and a film with Seymour Hoffman. Like really great people, Marissa Tomei, Brooke Shields.

1:27:35🔗 Adam This is one of those artsy things, not for the money.

1:27:37🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, very arty.

1:27:39🔗 Adam Hold on a second. I want to talk a little more about that because it is interesting how that works. We got to take a quick break though. Drew, I think I got some gas. I'm going to let it go in the bathroom if you come join me. Excellent. Take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Guess how many Terrific Sense Acts Theodorant Body Spray comes in? No, it's more. No, more.

1:28:05🔗 Drew Nine.

1:28:06🔗 Adam No, seven. Anyway, seven's enough, right?

1:28:10🔗 Drew Seven's great.

1:28:30🔗 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. Matthew Lillard is in Tonight, Without a Paddle, Name of the Movie, Out Tomorrow. Dax Shepard in that, Seth Green in that. All right, Drew. Quick home improvement question. Liz? What's going on there? 19?

1:28:49🔗 Caller Got a problem? My door during the summer, like, sticks for some reason. Like, during the winter, it opens and starts just fine and like perfect. And then during the summer, I don't know what happens, but it like sticks really bad.

1:28:58🔗 Adam Yeah, well, you're calling from Georgia. Believe it or not, it's drier in the winter. And so something's swelling up.

1:29:06🔗 Caller So what can I do to like fix it?

1:29:08🔗 Drew Could it be the heat expanding it, too? Or is it cold in the winter?

1:29:10🔗 Adam No. It's either moisture or not. I don't think the temperature really doesn't have much effect.

1:29:18🔗 Drew Where does it stick, can you tell?

1:29:20🔗 Caller Well, I thought it was like the hinges or something.

1:29:22🔗 Caller So I put WD-40 on it, but it didn't work whatsoever. It's like the wood, like right where it closes.

1:29:28🔗 Adam Yeah, it's on the strike side of the jam. You got to figure out where it's grabbing. Okay. All right, here's the point. Just overall door technique, everybody. Don't just start sanding stuff down and filing stuff down and planing stuff down. No, because you're moving something that did fit at one point and you're taking something away from it. What you need to do is make it work, not start taking something off it. You know what I mean? If I had this peg that went into this hole and it didn't line up, don't start shaving the peg, get it to line up. See what I'm saying?

1:30:05🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, but it's not changing. The door is not changing. I'm not saying sand down seven inches. Sand the paint off of it.

1:30:14🔗 Adam That'll fit fine. It's not a fix though. It's not the reason it's sticking because it worked for 20 years.

1:30:18🔗 Matthew Lillard Yeah, but you can't change the climate. You can't change the humidity. You can't change the door.

1:30:26🔗 Adam You can, but the door has to want to change. Am I right, Drew?

1:30:30🔗 Drew I just like the fact that you're a carpenter. People can tell you how to do carpentry. It makes me feel good as a doctor.

1:30:35🔗 Adam Matthew doesn't know I'm a carpenter.

1:30:38🔗 Matthew Lillard What are you supposed to do then?

1:30:40🔗 Adam First off, I'm a fantastic carpenter.

1:30:42🔗 Matthew Lillard Move away from Georgia.

1:30:43🔗 Adam How dare you? All right, first thing you should do is make sure all the screws are tied on the hinge side, that it's not loose, it's not sagging, that it's not doing something like that. And so once you cinch that up, because that could be a problem there, just get a Phillips head screwdriver and tighten down all those wood screws. And if you get one that's a spinner or something like that, take a little piece of popsicle stick or something wooden, jam it in the hole where the screw is with a little glue, and then when it dries, just bust it off and put the screw back in. It gives you something to bite to. So suck all that part up tight. And then secondly, I would work on trying to move the jam around a little. Find the part where it's tight, put a little finish nail in there, drive the nail in, and then just put a block of wood on it, whack it with the hammer a little, and get the jam. Not the door. Don't change the door. Get the jam to move around. See if you can do that. If you can't do that, then eventually start moving it. You can also physically bend the hinges by putting a block on the hinge and whacking it with a hammer or putting like a crescent wrench on it and tweaking it and sucking the door. Move the door around. Don't take stuff off the door. Move the jam around. Don't take stuff off the jam. That's the key.

1:31:49🔗 Matthew Lillard I stand corrected.

1:31:50🔗 Adam Who knew? Danica?

1:31:54🔗 Caller Yes.

1:31:55🔗 Adam Year 24?

1:31:58🔗 Drew What's up?

1:31:58🔗 Adam Yeah. What's happening?

1:32:00🔗 Caller I've been in a relationship with this guy for a couple of years and we have an 11-month-old child.

1:32:09🔗 Matthew Lillard It's not bad.

1:32:12🔗 Caller It's been a violent relationship at the time when the baby-

1:32:15🔗 Matthew Lillard It's bad.

1:32:16🔗 Adam All right.

1:32:17🔗 Drew It's Loveline. Yeah.

1:32:18🔗 Matthew Lillard Hello?

1:32:19🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:32:20🔗 Matthew Lillard Violent?

1:32:21🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:32:21🔗 Caller You guys are getting me confused.

1:32:23🔗 Adam All right. Keep talking.

1:32:25🔗 Caller Okay. Anyways, the baby is 11 months. When he was first born, he went on- He went on just-

1:32:37🔗 Adam All right. Here's the problem. The problem is we got 20 seconds left in the show.

1:32:41🔗 Drew She can't track quickly enough.

1:32:43🔗 Adam She's distracted. She's got a kid. What night? It's Thursday night.

1:32:46🔗 Drew Sunday night. Get her number.

1:32:47🔗 Adam Sunday night. Yeah. Look, if a guy's getting violent, here's all I want you guys to do. Your life is effed up and destroyed already. Don't screw up the kid's life. Please. Please. And all that, oh, the kid never sees anything. Oh, we're violent in the next room. Oh, no. Look, I'm cooking up a little meth, but I'm a great mom. They know everything.

1:33:07🔗 Matthew Lillard I've been here five times. Every single time I'm on the show, you have to say that.

1:33:11🔗 Adam I do.

1:33:11🔗 Matthew Lillard Why don't people listen?

1:33:15🔗 Adam If they did, I'll tell you what. I'd be out of a job. I'll tell you what. We've got to take a quick break. Matthew, you're in front of your night. We'll be right back.

1:33:24🔗 Caller Bottom line, here's the deal.

1:33:26🔗 Caller Looking to hook up. Sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

1:33:29🔗 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:33:30🔗 Drew Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE.

1:33:43🔗 Matthew Lillard We'll be right back.

1:33:45🔗 Caller This hour brought to you in part by Axe.

1:33:47🔗 Matthew Lillard Experience the Axe Effect.

1:34:05🔗 Adam Hey, everybody, that's the show, that's the week. I want to thank some people that deserve to be thanked. First, phone screener Brian for doing a fantabulous job all week long. Who's our engineer over there? What happened? Dave, big Dave. Dave, doing a wonderful job over there, filling the very big, big sandals of engineer Anderson and doing a fine job all week. I want to thank engineer Chris out here at the Mother Station, K-Rock, and junior, junior, producer Lorne for doing a fantabulous job, and of course, producer Ann for booking big name acts like Matthew Lillard, who can be found in Without a Paddle coming out tomorrow. That's Friday the 20th. And next week, oh my God, Lisa Loeb, Jenna Jamieson, Black Eyed Peas. Who don't we have on this show, Drew? So until next time, this is Adam Crawford, Dr. Drew saying, mahalo. This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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