Sunday, August 8, 2004

0:55🔗 Guest See Hey, have you ever done the show before, Dax? Dax? Have you ever done the show before? All I can tell you...

1:02🔗 Guest Judging on what's been happening since we got here, I mean, never do it again.

1:05🔗 Guest Like, the questions that you get... Like, literally, every time I come here, I'm always reminded by just how intensely...

1:14🔗 Guest I love talking about coitus, so this is my show.

1:16🔗 Guest I don't know, but one time we were on the show, and I had this girl call up, and she said...

1:20🔗 Guest Hey, is Ann in there, guys?

1:21🔗 Guest I'm hoping you can help me. Yeah, it's really just looking for, like, some advice. She could have been dark skinned.

1:36🔗 Guest And what are you supposed to do in that situation? Don't get fancy. Slow and steady wins the race.

1:43🔗 Voiceover 40 seconds.

1:46🔗 Guest Are we on already?

1:50🔗 Adam No, we got 40.

1:52🔗 Guest We got eternity. We got 45 seconds.

1:56🔗 Drew I might go grab a quick shave and a light little bath.

2:03🔗 Adam 20 seconds.

2:11🔗 I just say the big boys.

2:15🔗 Adam That's its own thing.

2:16🔗 Guest Well, I'm from Michigan, which is littered with Big Boys.

2:20🔗 Adam Yeah, I could do with a Big Boys burger.

2:22🔗 Guest I had a Slim Jim.

2:31🔗 Drew Yeah, it's got a ham.

2:34🔗 What is the point of content?

2:36🔗 Guest Cretion roll grilled. Yummy sandwich.

2:40🔗 Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised. Listener discretion is advised.

2:44🔗 Listener discretion is advised.

2:49🔗 With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

2:52🔗 Adam Hey, everybody. It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. On his feet tonight running the board. Yes, Drew? Turn your mic on.

3:06🔗 Guest He's doing a spectacular job.

3:08🔗 Guest This is really a crack outfit.

3:10🔗 Adam Hot yourself up.

3:11🔗 Guest And by crack, I mean you're all smoking crack.

3:12🔗 Guest We're in the proverbial crap storm right now. We're right in the eye of the storm.

3:16🔗 Adam Those voices you hear, by the way, are Seth Green and Dax Shepard, both in the new movie Without a Paddle. Yes, Drew?

3:24🔗 Guest He knows how to clap, but he can't get the mic on.

3:28🔗 Adam Drew, we don't need you anyway, really.

3:29🔗 Guest I have an anthropology degree from UCLA. That should cut it.

3:33🔗 Guest And I've been dating for over 15 years.

3:35🔗 Adam Yeah, and I've picked up all I need to pick up.

3:38🔗 Guest And I've had addictions.

3:44🔗 Guest You guys can listen to me eat some Cheetos.

3:46🔗 Adam Chris, where were you, by the way, when the show started?

3:48🔗 Drew Testing, one, two.

3:50🔗 Adam You're running two boards?

3:51🔗 Guest Yeah, that one over there.

3:52🔗 Adam Okay.

3:53🔗 Drew Go over there.

3:53🔗 Adam Go over there. Shoo.

3:55🔗 Drew Hey, Drew, just make sure the levels are good.

3:57🔗 Adam That's all I ask. How's those levels, Drew?

3:59🔗 Drew How do they sound to you? Testing everybody.

4:01🔗 Adam You always sound bad.

4:02🔗 Drew Test. Testing.

4:04🔗 Adam Everything's good.

4:05🔗 Drew See what happens when you have three board ops? Too much Adam. Too much Adam. Good.

4:09🔗 Adam Now that the mic works, shut up, Drew. That's enough. Let's talk about a couple of things first. The Family Guy. Back in full swing. Can you believe that, man? We're very excited about it.

4:20🔗 Guest We just went to Montreal and did like staged readings of Wish Upon a Weinstein. Really? And just the fan support is enormous.

4:26🔗 Adam Get that.

4:27🔗 Guest Seth Green has worked nonstop since he began in the business.

4:32🔗 Adam That's Seth reading his bio is Chris from the Family Guy. We might get into that later, too.

4:39🔗 Guest We're going to do like a whole other two seasons.

4:41🔗 Guest Did you do that on the last time you were here?

4:43🔗 Adam It probably was. I think I may have forced him to do that.

4:46🔗 Guest Dax Shepard is one of the greatest, most cool, good performer, and I like his ass, because it makes dirty.

4:57🔗 Guest The best part of that voice is it comes with the cutest face I've ever seen Seth make.

5:02🔗 Drew You look so adorable.

5:03🔗 Guest That's why I don't like to be filmed.

5:05🔗 Adam It's hard for Seth not to look cute, though.

5:10🔗 Guest This took a turn.

5:12🔗 Guest Let's confront the pink elephant in the room. How gorgeous you are.

5:16🔗 Adam I was watching The Italian Job just the other day. Let me tell you something about good movies. You should see them again a year later. And then you gotta...

5:27🔗 Guest It's a good habit to get into.

5:28🔗 Adam Yeah, just give it a... You know what? A movie that you enjoyed a year ago but haven't seen, especially if you see a lot of movies in the movie Stone like I do, you don't remember it all. People always talk about like, well, you get drunk, you get high, you get stoned, you go to concerts, you go to movies. Drew punching a whole new mic tonight, yeah.

5:46🔗 Drew It's had a nice kind of play to it too, it's like a bag.

5:50🔗 Guest It sounds like you got a boner.

5:51🔗 Adam All I'm saying is people make a big deal about you getting high and forgetting stuff. But what about forgetting good movies that you get to enjoy again?

6:00🔗 Drew See, there's no liability there. That film was actually a film, sort of like a block from my house.

6:05🔗 Guest Oh yeah, I heard you in Pasadena. Not to out you and make people stalk you, but I'm just saying, he lives on 1829 Grove.

6:11🔗 I wonder if that address exists and someone's going to knock on your door, I love you.

6:17🔗 Guest Yeah, the back door code is pyramid.

6:22🔗 Adam Pyramid. All right, let's plug away on the new movie, by the way, which, well, a couple things. First, Burt Reynolds is in this.

6:31🔗 Drew New Burt or old Burt? Both Burt. New Burt.

6:34🔗 Adam There's only one.

6:35🔗 Guest The exceptional Burt.

6:37🔗 Drew Doesn't do his old self anymore? Doesn't come around as...

6:39🔗 Adam Well, I mean, is it like a reprisal of deliverance or something or send up or something? It really isn't.

6:45🔗 Guest I mean, people are making that comparison because there's guys in a canoe, but this is a ballad.

6:49🔗 Guest There's also some cars in the movie, but no one's calling it Smoky and the Bandit.

6:52🔗 Adam Well, I'm...

6:53🔗 Drew Tom DeLuise come in?

6:54🔗 Guest Yeah, he's been cooked us all dinner and he's wearing a great suit.

6:57🔗 Adam No, what I'm... Turn Seth up, by the way, what I'm asking, smart asses, is that not does Bert... Not is the movie deliverance, but does Bert Reynolds do like any kind of homage?

7:08🔗 Guest No, he plays like this old mountain guy who lives in the woods and gives us clothes.

7:13🔗 Adam Where'd you film it? In Canada?

7:14🔗 Guest New Zealand.

7:16🔗 Adam New Zealand.

7:16🔗 Guest You bet, bud.

7:17🔗 Adam How was that?

7:18🔗 Guest It was terrific.

7:19🔗 Guest Why New Zealand?

7:20🔗 Guest We were in the most pristine backwood... Like we literally had the helicopter to work.

7:25🔗 Guest It was the time of year. They couldn't film it because we were filming between October and December and it was too cold.

7:29🔗 Guest Too cold. Which they lured us there saying, well, it's our summer, which is a lie. I don't know what they teach you in science. It was still 45 degrees there.

7:39🔗 Guest But it looked like summer.

7:40🔗 Adam And you had to get the water and stuff.

7:41🔗 Guest It looks like summer. Oh my God, yeah. The rivers were full because they had just melted, so the water was like 36 degrees.

7:49🔗 Adam But it was spectacular, right?

7:51🔗 Guest Beautiful to look at, horrible to swim in.

7:53🔗 Guest Great on the eyes, horrible on the body.

7:54🔗 Adam And just freezing.

7:56🔗 Guest And we spend like 60% of the movie soaking wet and another 40% in our underwear, so we all caught a cold.

8:03🔗 Adam When I was a stand-in on the movie Judgment Night.

8:08🔗 Drew Your cinematic drama.

8:09🔗 One wrong turn equals.

8:11🔗 Adam Judgment Night.

8:13🔗 The Nightmare of a Lifetime starring Dennis Leary for three boys who need.

8:17🔗 Adam I like when they explain what they thought they were going to do. They thought they were going to a ball game. But what happened?

8:24🔗 Let's just take this turn. The freeway is too crowded. I don't know where we are, man.

8:28🔗 Adam I always like that, too. Guy's been living in Chicago for 37 years. They get off one ramp halfway to Wrigley and they're like, We're in Uganda. Where are we?

8:39🔗 Guest I thought that about the movie Grand Canyon having not been to LA yet and seeing the movie in Detroit and going, Man, if you'd make a wrong turn out there in LA or if you take the wrong route home from the Lakers game, Oh, yeah. It's as good as dead and you better pray Danny Glover's around the corner.

8:54🔗 Adam Yeah. And what happens is a whole bunch of guys with the tattoo teardrops come up and want to know what you're doing in their neighborhood.

9:02🔗 Guest They're a dime a dozen out there.

9:04🔗 Adam They're the Mexican guardian angels.

9:06🔗 Guest Seriously, I've gone around and purchased a dozen guys with teardrops for a dime. I've seen it happen.

9:11🔗 Adam Yeah. So while I was standing in on that movie and doing a phenomenal job. You'll see my name on the rap shirt. About that name, 347. They print it on the shirts at the rap party. The guys would sit in a hot tub because when you're wet and you can't change your clothes, you just sit in a hot tub.

9:31🔗 Guest Yeah, it was a medical requirement. We had a medic on set because we were in the water for a good 15, 25 minutes at a time and you just literally get chilled to the point that you can't, you just can't feel anything.

9:43🔗 Guest The funny thing about the hot tub is though is that we changed locations almost every day so it had to be mobile so it was literally in the back of this U-Haul truck which was so weird to be sitting in a hot tub in a square aluminum box with the door shut.

9:56🔗 Guest We had the most exceptional view.

9:58🔗 Drew It was like low from the hot tub.

9:59🔗 Guest Yeah, because they'd park it right on a cliffside.

10:01🔗 Guest Yeah, half in a box van but then there'd be this beautiful landscape.

10:06🔗 Adam I could imagine just locals walking by going, that is the most luxurious steak bed truck I've ever seen. I mean, I've seen them with gun racks but rarely a hot tub.

10:16🔗 Guest Lucky for us, it was a closed set.

10:17🔗 Drew Of course, the way they were thinking, they were thinking, oh, those Hollywood stars, they have to have their hot tubs brought in with them.

10:24🔗 Guest We insisted on a lot of star treatment out there too.

10:26🔗 Adam Well, did they have any, couldn't they put a little wetsuit or something underneath your clothes, in certain situations you could, but not a lot of them.

10:34🔗 Guest We're wearing like t-shirts and we're wearing our underwear and a lot of scenes.

10:37🔗 Adam We want to see nipple.

10:39🔗 Guest You might not want to, but for sure you're going to.

10:41🔗 Adam Just call it for what it is. Scrooge and nipple, let's face it, I paid nine bucks.

10:44🔗 Guest You don't hire Seth Green for his acting ability, it's eye candy time.

10:49🔗 Adam Make that Chris face and give me some elbow room. Yeah. All right, Drew?

10:54🔗 Drew Let's go.

10:54🔗 Adam You ready to rock?

10:55🔗 Drew You're on your own there.

10:56🔗 Guest Are we going to start the show? That wasn't on, was it?

10:58🔗 Adam We're hopping to the phones.

10:59🔗 Drew Break it down.

11:00🔗 Adam Well, I'll do what I always do when you travel.

11:02🔗 Drew You start at one.

11:03🔗 Adam No. I start at the call that you last left the sticker on from Thursday and assume that's good enough. So that's going to be line two. Brittany? You're 17? What's happening, baby doll?

11:21🔗 Caller Well, I've been getting these really big cramps in my left side, I guess in my pelvic area.

11:26🔗 Adam I'm out.

11:27🔗 Caller And it's making my thigh go numb.

11:28🔗 Drew Making your thigh go numb, so it's the pain that goes down your leg.

11:32🔗 Caller Well, like just the top part, like the surface of my leg on the top front part.

11:37🔗 Drew Well, there's two possibilities. One is that, well, there's a couple possibilities, really, but one is that maybe this is actually a back problem and it's just radiating to the abdominal area.

11:46🔗 Guest Like a sciatic kind of situation.

11:47🔗 Drew Like a sciatic type of thing. Or there's something called the round ligament that supports your uterus that can become inflamed and hurt.

11:54🔗 Adam I blew mine out in high school, actually.

11:57🔗 Drew Oh, I brought you a prolapsed vagina.

11:59🔗 Adam Yeah, I'd like to see a picture of that. Four year free ride in Nebraska.

12:02🔗 Drew No, no.

12:03🔗 Adam Seriously.

12:04🔗 Guest What's a prolapsed vagina?

12:07🔗 Drew Under my, under my, under my, under my, like an expert vagina? Under that, that communication from LA Municipal, the one that says guilty on it, that I brought to show you Adam.

12:15🔗 Adam Fantastic.

12:16🔗 Drew I'd like to see the, there we go, no, that's repaired, that's repaired. That's the repair. Open up the prolapse. There's the prolapse. Oh my God, let me see.

12:24🔗 Adam Please explain what that is, Drew. Please explain. What the hell? Do it into the microphone. I don't want to see, I don't want to see that. I don't want to see that. I have trouble.

12:34🔗 Guest It literally looks, the vagina looks like it's sticking its tongue out at us. Or like this vagina just ate some bad sushi and spitting it out.

12:42🔗 Adam Oh.

12:45🔗 Drew No, no, of course.

12:45🔗 Guest We're not suggesting that you have a prolapse.

12:47🔗 Guest Although I definitely appreciate your expertise.

12:49🔗 Drew The round ligament made me remember that I brought this in for Adam because he wondered what a prolapse vagina was.

12:54🔗 Adam No, I did not.

12:55🔗 Drew In this particular case of the Mingle Journal, it was a 46-year-old with two children. That's all it took to do this to her. So if people had criticized the caesarean section, the one way to protect yourself against this is have a caesarean section.

13:05🔗 Guest I do criticize caesarean section.

13:07🔗 Drew Well, this is what's in your future.

13:09🔗 Guest Well, not my future, but somebody's future.

13:11🔗 Adam Did you get any of the literature Dax dropped off before the show about the c-section?

13:17🔗 Guest I think it's overused. I think we go there too quick, Drew.

13:19🔗 Drew This is why, though. This is why.

13:21🔗 Guest Come on. Give me a one in a what? A one in 10,000.

13:25🔗 Drew Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

13:26🔗 Adam Yeah.

13:27🔗 Guest Yeah. I mean, I got a picture of a guy that got struck by lightning at home that scared the bejesus out of you.

13:32🔗 Drew Eleven?

13:33🔗 Adam Yeah. Listen, Dax, you're already smarter than Drew.

13:36🔗 Guest Right?

13:37🔗 Drew Eleven percent.

13:38🔗 Guest Of what? You are completely lying. Eleven percent of women get.

13:43🔗 Adam Of women in their 80s who have triplets.

13:45🔗 Drew New England Journal.

13:46🔗 Guest Who changed their tampon with a garden shovel.

13:51🔗 Drew Listen, first of all, what happens to people medically is hidden from society. You guys don't even know what happens to people.

13:55🔗 Adam Plus, you celebrity guys with your 19-year-old, if their fake IDs are really 14, you're swinging around town with, how dare you?

14:02🔗 Drew That's all I do.

14:04🔗 Guest I only go after prolapsed vaginas.

14:06🔗 Drew Let me quote it.

14:06🔗 Guest That is my first question before I even ask the age.

14:09🔗 Drew Eleven percent risk of undergoing surgery for incontinence, prolapse or both by the age of 80.

14:15🔗 Guest Well, right. But you just named three things that stand an eleven percent chance to have, not necessarily specifically prolapsed.

14:22🔗 Drew But two of those three were prolapsed.

14:24🔗 Guest But even if they're prolapsed, what's the third?

14:25🔗 Drew Incontinence, which is usually from a descension of coming towards the floor.

14:29🔗 Adam Listen, by 80 you should have...

14:31🔗 Drew What do they pull it back up?

14:32🔗 Guest You should be wearing diapers.

14:33🔗 Adam You should hope your vagina falls off by 75.

14:36🔗 Guest If I can say what it looks like, because people can't see it, it looks like someone wrote a pogo stick for 39 months straight.

14:45🔗 Drew So the pain in the leg could be a couple of different things. There's also a nerve that comes out by your sort of inguinal area where your leg joins your body. You know, the inguinal area. There's pressure on that can sometimes cause pain going up and going down to the legs. All right. Go see a doctor.

15:00🔗 Guest But I have a question. Did you think this was sex related? This is my first time on the show, but aren't these primarily like sex questions? So did you think this was related to some kind of...

15:07🔗 Guest This is a forum where young people can speak their minds and get questions in an anonymous fashion.

15:12🔗 Adam That's right. Thank you.

15:13🔗 Guest Without having to visit a family doctor.

15:14🔗 Guest So it's like Playboy Forum. It could be anything. It could be like shoes, what shoes to wear after labor day.

15:20🔗 Adam Here's the thing. Many years ago, the show was salacious sex and titillating sex questions. It's really just turned into a series of my rants against parking enforcement and kids that are trying to kill themselves. It's really taken a turn for the depressing. Yes?

15:35🔗 Drew To the extent that it is really inclusive of just rants and mostly it's been left turns, red lights.

15:42🔗 Guest The occasional veering off course.

15:44🔗 Drew Yes, people that drive too slowly in the fast lane.

15:47🔗 Adam Yeah, you're speaking metaphorically, Drew is literally speaking about driving.

15:52🔗 Guest Adam, you have a carrot top mug.

15:54🔗 Adam Oh, what are you talking about? You're looking at me right in the eye. It's like, I don't look like Carrot Top.

15:58🔗 Guest No, not your face.

15:59🔗 Adam You're speaking metaphorically.

16:00🔗 Guest There's just a punch. You hear the sound of a punch.

16:03🔗 Adam He told me I look like Carrot Top. I was holding a mug that says Carrot Top on it. Yeah, I forgot about that. All right. Let's keep going. Aaron?

16:14🔗 Yes.

16:14🔗 Adam You're 23?

16:16🔗 Caller Yes, I am.

16:16🔗 Adam What's up?

16:19🔗 Caller I've been in long-distance relationships with my wife and prior to us getting married for quite a few years, and we've almost been married a year now, and I work here downtown LA, and we live up in Bakersfield, and I'm away from her, you know, three or four nights a week.

16:35🔗 Adam Why? Because of your work?

16:37🔗 Caller Yes, yes, because of work. I work 13-hour days.

16:40🔗 Drew And why would she want to move out of Bakersfield to come down and join him? Oh my gosh. She's got Bakersfield to cling to.

16:47🔗 Adam Shangri-La.

16:47🔗 Drew Absolutely.

16:48🔗 Adam Streets paved with gold. Pine ripen fruit coming from every sewer grate.

16:56🔗 Guest It's a honeymoon, a honeymooner's paradise.

16:59🔗 Adam It really is. My folks went there.

17:03🔗 Guest The thing about Bakersfield, they always tell you if you go there, realize we're the only city that you could cut off from the rest of the world. We have our own oil. We have a petroleum refinery here. They tell you all the things that could make them inclusive.

17:14🔗 Adam They cook their own math.

17:15🔗 Guest I challenge them to wall up the city. Go for it.

17:19🔗 Adam All right, Aaron, sorry about Dax and his attack on Bakersfield. So, anyway, you only see your wife a few nights a week.

17:33🔗 Caller What can marriage counseling do for us? I mean, you know, we're happy when we're together, but there's a lot of times where the arguments come out short-tempered.

17:41🔗 Guest I'm pretty sure that marriage counseling can split you guys up in a hurry.

17:44🔗 Drew Yeah, here's the deal. You're describing a very stressful situation. You should do the best you can to reduce the stress and get the relationship together and give it what it needs, which is time and nurturance, like any other relationship.

17:58🔗 Adam Well, it can't be around.

17:59🔗 Drew And if it's impossible, I'm not sure that therapy can do much for that. You've got to find a way to spend more time together.

18:05🔗 Adam She wants you to go to therapy, right?

18:06🔗 Caller Well, no, she hasn't mentioned it. I mean, it's just, I mean, we communicate well with one another, but the feelings for myself being away from her, I mean, it just drives me nuts.

18:16🔗 Adam Well, do you have kids?

18:18🔗 Caller Yes, we do. We have a year-and-a-half-old daughter.

18:21🔗 Guest But you said you've been married for a year?

18:24🔗 Caller Yes.

18:25🔗 Adam And you guys, you got a house in Bakersfield?

18:28🔗 Caller Yes, I own a new home.

18:29🔗 Guest You guys need to spend more time together. That's the key to it.

18:32🔗 Drew How come you can't move down here?

18:34🔗 Caller We can't afford it. I mean, I make good money, and she's a registered nurse, but the cost of living down here is nuts. Registered nurse.

18:41🔗 Guest How would you feel about moving into Seth's home? He has an extra room, and I think...

18:45🔗 Guest I've got kind of a flop house for wayward couples that are trying to work on their relations.

18:50🔗 Guest Long-distance lovers.

18:51🔗 Adam Yeah. They mend, and then he sends them back out. Hey, Aaron? How about this? I know this sounds wacky, but no one will buy this, but how about you talk to her like if you're commuting for an hour and all that stuff? How about you get on the horn and talk to her? You know, wives... We never really bring this up, but if you pick up the cell phone and do that, not calling to make sure and take the garbage out because the truck's coming in the morning, just thinking of you kind of stuff.

19:23🔗 Drew I'm surprised that you even came up with that one. They eat it up.

19:25🔗 Adam I know. I'm working on a device that'll do it for me.

19:29🔗 Guest I'm going to disagree with that because I'll lay in bed with my girlfriend and talk for five hours straight. I love talking to my girlfriend, but I can't talk to her for seven minutes on a phone without literally wanting to put a bounty on her. I can't stand talking on the phone.

19:43🔗 Adam I can't either.

19:44🔗 Guest Because you have a rapport in person. Because she's not getting the BJ.

19:52🔗 Adam Really five hours, you and the girl in bed.

19:54🔗 Guest Oh my god. Really?

19:56🔗 Drew Yes.

19:56🔗 Guest I've actually accepted two bounties, though, from him. I've wanted her for a good period of time, tracked her all across North Carolina.

20:02🔗 Guest But Seth has witnessed.

20:04🔗 Adam Well, no, there's nothing to talk about with women on the phone.

20:08🔗 Drew I wonder if on the phone what she's doing is, what are you doing? What are you up to? Why aren't you calling? It gets on you through the phone as opposed to being a chance to connect.

20:15🔗 Guest Dax has one of the coolest girls in the world. She's not much for chasing after.

20:21🔗 Drew So she doesn't pound on you in some way?

20:23🔗 Guest No, it's just one of those things where it's like, so what's going on? It's like, oh, not much. I'm doing this. And it's like, what are we doing? I'm not with you right now.

20:30🔗 Drew Why are we?

20:31🔗 Guest It's not like they just invented the phone and we're getting a bang out of the gimmick of it.

20:36🔗 Adam No, it's the same thing that's in it for you for like flowers or something. You just drop them off. They like it and you get a little payback on the weekend. That's all. You just do that thinking of you, baby, and then you hang up.

20:48🔗 Guest But this guy, it sounds like his problem is just not being able to spend enough time with his wife and his kid. That's the key.

20:55🔗 Adam By the way, this is one of those things that happens when you're 23 and you've got a job and you want a house and blah, blah, blah. You weather the storm and you make some money and then people move.

21:04🔗 Drew But be that as it may, what 23-year-old male really understands what a relationship needs?

21:09🔗 Adam No.

21:09🔗 Drew No, not one.

21:10🔗 Adam No. All right. Well, I don't know if we gave Aaron an answer or not.

21:15🔗 Drew The answer is he must prioritize that relationship the way he has his job and find it.

21:19🔗 Guest Yeah, it might be more important to live in a box and be happy than make the good money in overtime.

21:24🔗 Adam All right. Something says anal.

21:27🔗 Guest That's got my number written all over it.

21:29🔗 Guest Nothing says love in like a little anal.

21:31🔗 Adam Tom? Tom from Arizona, 20.

21:36🔗 All right.

21:40🔗 Adam Let's see. Cheated on a girlfriend with call girl. Sounds good.

21:48🔗 Caller Hey, how's it going, guys?

21:49🔗 Adam What's happening? Do you go by JG?

21:52🔗 Caller It's the night caller. This is JG. Colin from Mesa, Arizona.

21:57🔗 Adam And you got busted for cheating with a call girl?

22:01🔗 Caller No, I didn't get busted. My girlfriend went away for a while and basically, you know, I just, you know, I needed to have sex. So I went out and got a call girl and unfortunately, you know, I didn't use a condom and my girlfriend came back.

22:16🔗 Drew What are you thinking?

22:16🔗 Guest This is a series of brilliant mistakes.

22:19🔗 Caller Yeah, yeah, trust me, I know.

22:21🔗 Adam You had intercourse with no condom or just a BJ?

22:28🔗 Caller Yeah.

22:28🔗 Adam If you change up halfway, they'll charge you twice, by the way. Fill that out the hard way. And then they want to charge you.

22:35🔗 Guest What are you worried about? You were probably her first.

22:39🔗 Adam Yeah. Did you pop her cherry?

22:43🔗 You were probably her first.

22:46🔗 Adam Yeah, she was probably, like, I can picture her, like, smoking one of those more cigarettes and saying.

22:49🔗 Guest I guess I'm more concerned about the girl whose job it is to have sex with strangers who didn't insist on the protection.

22:55🔗 Adam Well, see, that's, let's talk about this because that's where it really gets scary, which is if she didn't insist on some protection.

23:03🔗 Drew Who else did she not insist?

23:04🔗 Guest Yeah, she didn't make an exception for it.

23:07🔗 Drew To me, that nothing says drug addict like that. I agree with you. That's adding to the risk.

23:14🔗 Guest Did you guys do drugs together?

23:15🔗 Caller No, no, no, I don't do drugs or anything like that.

23:18🔗 Guest But were you drunk when you called her?

23:19🔗 Caller No, no.

23:20🔗 Adam You did it sober.

23:23🔗 Guest You did this sober?

23:23🔗 Drew Dax, how dare you? This is a culture. Drinking and using a call girl? How dare you?

23:28🔗 Caller I really screwed up. Actually, I even screwed up even more than that because my girlfriend came back recently and, you know, we had sex and most of the time we used a condom as well and then just one time at least we didn't and even though I was, you know, tested for HIV a couple weeks back and I know that, you know, testing usually you got to do it every three, you know, up to three months or.

23:49🔗 Drew Why were you tested?

23:50🔗 Adam Well, because he.

23:52🔗 Caller Yeah, exactly.

23:55🔗 Adam Hold on a second. There's a slightly bogus quality to this call.

24:00🔗 Drew That's why I was going down the HIV. The timing didn't sync up for me.

24:05🔗 Guest Why are you questioning this?

24:06🔗 Guest You get a lot of fake calls on the show.

24:08🔗 Adam He's not a stupid guy that just sort of doing these crazy things.

24:13🔗 Guest Well, the fact that he wasn't drunk is what made me go.

24:15🔗 Adam Yeah. And I lost respect for him too when I found out it was night time and he wasn't loaded.

24:20🔗 Guest Well, if a guy prefaces a story by saying I was wasted, then I'll believe anything that happened following it, you know.

24:26🔗 Drew He's not wasted. He's a guy that religiously.

24:29🔗 Guest He uses condoms with his own, his own girlfriend.

24:31🔗 Drew Fistitiously uses it with his own girlfriend and not after he's been with the call girl. That's the one time he leaves it out. In what world?

24:39🔗 Caller Here's the situation.

24:40🔗 Adam This sounds too dumb to be true.

24:41🔗 Caller No, look, I'm serious. I've got a really legitimate question here. What I wanted to ask is, Drew or whoever would know is, look, in what ways can, if I were HIV positive right now, could I transmit this to my girlfriend?

24:55🔗 Guest Well, probably by having sex without condoms, that's a good start.

24:58🔗 Drew Well, yeah, you can. That's actually, there's, in the initial HIV infection, there's actually quite a burst of viral activity. Oh, really? And then it goes down again. So it's actually during the acute HIV infection, people are highly contagious.

25:09🔗 Adam Better to have sex with somebody with the HIV a year later than...

25:12🔗 Drew No, better to have it like eight months later than five years later, untreated, than four months later. It goes like this. It goes quickly up, down, and then slowly up again.

25:25🔗 Adam Here's my question.

25:26🔗 Caller Here's my question. I was tested a couple of weeks back and I came up negative, but I know that we could show up anytime between...

25:32🔗 Drew You had an antibody test or you had a direct RNA test?

25:35🔗 Caller I had a blood test. I don't know what...

25:36🔗 Drew Why don't you go get the test...

25:38🔗 Adam Get the porn test.

25:39🔗 Drew Yeah, the porn test, the one where they actually test for the virus. Go ahead and get that. That's available now. You got to test for the antibody, and that's what takes a while to come back, to come up.

25:50🔗 Guest I have a real suggestion for you, which is A, stop having unprotected sex with them strangers.

25:56🔗 Guest But I understand what you're saying. You've already done this. Now, what's... Yeah, the damage is done. Fortunately for you and unfortunately for her.

26:05🔗 Adam Here's what's going to help you sleep, because we're all very politically correct about this, but even if you did have HIV, there'd probably be a 1% chance you gave it to her on the one encounter.

26:18🔗 Guest Well, no, but his odds of catching it from the call girl are less than his odds of giving it to his girl. That's correct. As the giver.

26:26🔗 Adam Right. So here's the deal. Your chances of getting it from the call girl are very slim and then...

26:32🔗 Drew Not very slim, but slim.

26:33🔗 Adam Very, I would say, well, under 5%, yeah, well under 5%, I would say, and then your chance of giving it to your girl are...

26:42🔗 Drew Now it's very slim.

26:42🔗 Adam Now it's very slim and between the two of them, I'm sure it didn't happen. Could it happen? Yes.

26:48🔗 Drew And, by the way, as he brought out, he's not had the acute infection yet, and so if you have not had the acute infection, you may not be producing virus yet. So it might have been soon enough that he would not have passed it along.

26:57🔗 Adam Here's the thing, too. There are times when you gotta wear the condom and times when you don't. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you do. No, I'm just saying, like, when you don't wear the condom, it's not with the call girl who doesn't require the condom from any of her suitors.

27:13🔗 Drew That's not the time.

27:14🔗 Adam You want to not wear a condom when you, like, slip a senior or a roofie and, you know.

27:20🔗 Drew When you do that.

27:21🔗 Adam When I do that. When I go in one of my senior-

27:23🔗 Guest You really want to get a stranger that you're date-raping pregnant. You shouldn't wear a condom.

27:26🔗 Adam When I'm going in one of my senior roofie benders, that's when you don't wear the condom because it's safe. All right, let's take a little break. Drew, how you doing over there?

27:35🔗 Drew I'm doing great over here.

27:36🔗 Adam Seth Green here tonight.

27:37🔗 Guest I'm giving terrible advice tonight.

27:39🔗 Adam No, no, you're fine. Dax Shepard here.

27:42🔗 Guest I mean, that's my plan.

27:44🔗 Adam Oh, without a paddle, name of the new movie coming out?

27:46🔗 Guest August 18th.

27:47🔗 Adam On the 18th. That is not this Friday, the next Friday?

27:51🔗 Guest No, not this Wednesday, but next Wednesday.

27:52🔗 Adam Oh, Wednesday.

27:53🔗 Guest Week from Wednesday.

27:54🔗 Adam Oh, yeah, movies coming out on Wednesdays these days.

27:56🔗 Guest Oh, that happens now.

27:57🔗 Adam It does, yeah.

27:58🔗 Caller I like Wednesday openings.

27:59🔗 Adam Oh, Wednesday?

28:00🔗 Guest I love going to the cinema on Wednesday.

28:01🔗 Caller Pads out the weekend for the week.

28:03🔗 Catch it before the rush.

28:04🔗 Adam We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hurry.

28:37🔗 Are we ready? One, go.

28:42🔗 Adam Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. That is Dr. Drew over there. Dax Shepard is here tonight, as well as Seth Green. Without a Paddle, name of the new movie. Out one week from this Wednesday on the 18th of August. You can also see Dax on, oh, on Punk'd.

29:04🔗 Guest Yeah, he used to be able to.

29:05🔗 Adam He used to be able to. That's done?

29:07🔗 Guest You're over with? Not for the show, but yeah.

29:09🔗 Guest Dax became obscenely famous after the first season of Punk'd and could not punk anybody.

29:13🔗 Adam Oh, really? People would recognize you. Yeah. You always wonder about that, but it never seems to really happen. But I guess it did in this case.

29:22🔗 Guest It really did.

29:24🔗 Adam Yeah. It was awkward. We used to, like when we did the Man Show, we had the Man Show Boy, and he'd go out and screw with people. And he was fairly famous. But LA's filled with enough crazy nationalities that don't watch even English television, English speaking TV, that you can at least get crazy foreigners.

29:42🔗 Guest But this was all celebrities.

29:44🔗 Adam Oh, you can't get celebrities, no way.

29:45🔗 Guest And the viewership on that show, we were getting like $3 million on the first run, and then it'd air five more times during the week and pick up $1.5 million, $2 million. So by the end of it, it was like a legitimate network show with the ratings.

29:59🔗 Adam You could, and you could never get a celebrity.

30:01🔗 Guest I mean, in real life, I crashed my motorcycle. I didn't crash it, I was hit. And when I skid to a stop and I was bloody, this girl goes, oh my god, you're Dax. Is this a punk? I was like, horrible. I go, yeah, I just ate crap going 50 down the street. And I'm all bloodied up for.

30:19🔗 Adam What kind of motorcycle you got?

30:21🔗 Guest Ultra Classic Electroglide. The old man.

30:25🔗 Adam That's a really big bicycle. Wow, that thing falls over, you can't get it up.

30:31🔗 Guest This is true.

30:31🔗 Adam Let me say this, by the way, I haven't gotten into this for a while, one of my favorite rants, but I saw the guy earlier today. It's the guy who buys the cop bike at police auction, and then wears the cop helmet, too. Like, hello, at a certain point, you are, wait, can I see your shield? Like, you are impersonating an officer at a certain point. Are you not?

30:55🔗 Guest And if you like being a cop that much, you can become a cop at a weekend seminar at a Ramada now. I mean, they need people. It's not like you can't become a cop.

31:03🔗 Adam I'm just saying, the guy who does this, I'd sooner hang out with a group of white supremacist pedophile, pedophiles than hang out with this boss. I can't stand these guys. Yeah, no, the white supremacist pedophile. I know, they're good for some air hockey and stuff.

31:21🔗 No, great barbecues.

31:23🔗 Adam They can cook.

31:24🔗 Guest Oh, yeah.

31:24🔗 Adam Yeah, they're mesquite guys.

31:26🔗 Guest They really are. Well, they do a lot of the salt rubs too. They'll rub that meat down.

31:29🔗 Adam The winters can get pretty cold in Idaho.

31:32🔗 Guest They have a hot dance party mixer in the winter season.

31:35🔗 Adam Yeah, you're right. I probably shouldn't have used them as examples of good guys, because when they throw a keger, yeah, they throw a good keger.

31:42🔗 Guest You see those documentaries and that is the funny thing about those groups. There's only so many protests they can do or go out on the streets so many times and then it's just a lot of boredom. It's like them hanging up at the compound. They've made all the flyers, they've made all the t-shirts, they've said every race was slurred.

31:58🔗 Guest We're gonna wait for the entries to roll in now.

32:00🔗 Adam Now we got nothing left to do but tap the keg and put the pig in the ground.

32:04🔗 We have officially started the revolution.

32:06🔗 Adam Now let's eat.

32:07🔗 Guest Y'all wanna beat up my girlfriend?

32:09🔗 Adam Yeah, I guess they can barbecue. I'd say that's the one thing you'd have to say about those militia groups is they really can barbecue.

32:16🔗 Guest They can throw a block party like it's business.

32:19🔗 Adam Yeah, whereas the Jews, you know, not great. Not the spit in the open pit, yeah. No, you're right. Ironically, the one thing that the black man and the white supremacists probably shares their love of barbecue, and yet they can't find common ground even on that.

32:36🔗 Guest Well, that's how I'm gonna bridge the gap. I have a whole coalition set up too. It's called Barbecue Unite.

32:43🔗 Adam That's right. The sauce can't tell what color you are.

32:48🔗 Guest And everyone's invited to wear a purple frock.

32:51🔗 Adam So we don't know what color you are. Wow, wow.

32:55🔗 Guest And gloves.

32:55🔗 Adam That's heavy.

32:56🔗 Guest Gloves are very crucial.

32:57🔗 Adam Well, they're more of an oven mitt, actually. They do offer certain degree of protection too. It's not all about anonymity.

33:03🔗 Guest We've united no less than 13 people. Four of whom blind.

33:09🔗 Adam It does strike me that you could, this is when I spent some time with refrigerator Perry. He only spoke about putting a pig in the ground, actually had a pig that he was gonna pick up and all that stuff.

33:21🔗 Guest I swear to God, I went to a barbecue my buddy's dad had out in the middle of Nowhere, Michigan and they not only had a pig on a spit, but they had stuffed four chickens in the pig's ass on the spit. So it was like chickens being cooked inside of a pig. It was the best chicken I've ever had. I wanted them to stick the pig, I wanted them to stick the pig then in a cow's ass and just have every known edible meat on one spit.

33:48🔗 Adam Trying to get the chicken to fly up the pig's ass is one of the most difficult parts of that whole process, Drew. But yeah, I really do mean this. The militia guys, the supremacists and the people that oftentimes they have the most hatred for all share a love of the outdoors and barbecue and they should really find some common ground over the spit and really come together. And you know what? I'm willing if you want me to do a PSA.

34:14🔗 Guest Well, I'm glad you brought that up.

34:16🔗 Adam I know some guy does silk screening. We get the t-shirts going.

34:20🔗 Guest Well, I got a buddy who's a crop duster. If you could help me make the sign that's gonna fly behind it.

34:25🔗 Guest I actually have somebody that works in banners and bumper stickers.

34:28🔗 Adam I can do that. Yeah, and this guy specializes in rainbow tape.

34:31🔗 Guest We're in the same boat as the supremacists. We've got all the legwork done and nothing to do now.

34:34🔗 Guest Let's sit back and tap the keg, gentlemen. Amy, to wait for the Revolution to roll in.

34:39🔗 Adam 24. Amy.

34:40🔗 Guest Hi.

34:40🔗 Adam All right, hold on a second. All I'm gonna say is, we came full circle from the cop bike here, which is, if you do buy the police surplus bike at the cop auction, the Moto Guzzi with the black and white or the Kawasaki 1000 or whatever the hell it is, whatever that is, you must wear an orange full face helmet.

35:03🔗 Guest You somehow live in Mad Max world where the cops drive Moto Guzzi's. Whatever. It's like they're going on Cafe Racers, going 190 down to English countryside.

35:12🔗 Adam How dare you? That used to be a cop bike out here, the Moto Guzzi or Guzzi or Guzzi.

35:18🔗 Guest No, it's the Kawasaki.

35:20🔗 Adam And the Moto, Drew, get on the computer.

35:22🔗 Guest I'll tell you you're right in that, and there's a movie, I think it's a Hal Ashby movie, famous movie where the guys got a Moto Guzzi, but we're talking the 60s.

35:31🔗 Adam I'm telling you, the LAPD had some of those at some point. Look it up there, Drew. And by the way, yeah, the Japanese bike versus the Harley, it's like one's 10 grand, the other's 20 grand, the guy was telling me. All right.

35:46🔗 Guest Now they drive the BMW.

35:48🔗 Adam Amy?

35:49🔗 Caller Hello?

35:50🔗 Adam What's happening?

35:52🔗 Caller All right, I have kind of a two part question. First of all, I need to know if what I'm seeing on my little girl is normal. And second of all, I want you guys to tell me if I'm just, I don't know, breaking out.

36:07🔗 Guest Is it the mark of the beast underneath her hairline?

36:10🔗 Guest Are you literally talking about your child or is that a euphemism for your part?

36:13🔗 Caller No, literally talking about my child. Okay, I have a two year old little girl, almost two.

36:17🔗 Adam So your vagina's only two?

36:20🔗 Caller What?

36:20🔗 Adam All right, keep going. I'm confused now. Go ahead.

36:24🔗 Caller I have a two year old girl. And I have a few times found that she's very red and swollen in the labia in her genital areas. And I haven't been concerned too much, but kind of wondered and kind of tried to get her cleaned up and it goes away. Anyway, I'm married. My husband works days, I work nights.

36:51🔗 Drew Why do you not have health insurance?

36:54🔗 Caller What?

36:54🔗 Drew You don't have health insurance?

36:55🔗 Caller We do have health insurance.

36:57🔗 Adam Well, maybe she's freaked out.

36:59🔗 Caller I am freaked out. I'm really freaked out. And I don't want to accuse my husband.

37:03🔗 Adam We're gonna ask you a question and then this will be.

37:05🔗 Guest You didn't see that count going there from a mile away.

37:08🔗 Adam Drew was looking up mono-goods.

37:09🔗 Drew I was looking, with 1970, I've got a mono-goods.

37:12🔗 Guest He's got Ducatis, he's got Ducatis in Memphis.

37:15🔗 Adam Thank you, thank you, Dax.

37:16🔗 Drew 1970.

37:17🔗 Adam I can crash a bike, but I don't know anything about it.

37:19🔗 Guest I know everything about it.

37:21🔗 Adam Well, I just told you, LAPD mono-goods.

37:22🔗 Guest But you don't know a lot about two-year-old labia, so let's let the professional handle it.

37:26🔗 Adam Yeah. Here's the question we need to ask. And this is going to be- The Mormon? That's one. I knew that was coming. Thank you, Drew. And the other one we need to ask is, were you ever molested?

37:38🔗 Guest I was going to ask that.

37:39🔗 Adam No. And your dad never did anything bad?

37:41🔗 Caller No.

37:42🔗 Adam And you love him?

37:43🔗 Caller My dad actually died of a heart attack when I was four. And then I have a stepfather who my mom married about a year later, and he's been a great guy.

37:51🔗 Adam Okay. Well, good. Then your husband is probably not molesting your child.

37:57🔗 Drew But she might have some other medical problem. I'm not quite sure what you're describing. I was trying to picture what you're describing.

38:03🔗 Guest Maybe she just got into your lipstick.

38:04🔗 Caller Well, for example, what got me freaked out today is she had to pee, and I'm potty training her. And she told me that she had to pee, and I said, well, let's go. And she said, no. And she said, owie, and grabbed down there. And then she laid down on the floor. And I said, what is wrong with you? And I picked her up and I said, come on, let's go potty. And she said, no, no, owie.

38:23🔗 Drew Well, maybe she has a yeast infection, or maybe she's got a urinary tract infection. Absolutely, yeah, you can.

38:29🔗 Caller Yeah, see, I don't even know if she's normal with little girls.

38:32🔗 Drew They can have disorders of undetected congenital problems of the urogenital tract. Things need to be checked out. Come on, take her in, OK?

38:39🔗 Adam Just take her in.

38:40🔗 Guest Get her 20 ounces of cranberry juice, though.

38:42🔗 Drew In the meantime.

38:43🔗 Adam Yeah.

38:43🔗 Caller All right. So you think it's all right, then, with my husband? I hate to think that, but I just can't think.

38:47🔗 Guest We've never met him.

38:49🔗 Adam Here's the thing that's a.

38:50🔗 Guest What's his name? I can usually tell by the name.

38:53🔗 Guest Well, I'm great in jury selection. Give me some information.

38:56🔗 Adam What's he do to? What's his name? What's his first?

39:00🔗 Guest That's on the fence.

39:01🔗 Adam Yeah, that's fancy.

39:02🔗 Guest Britney Spears is marrying a guy named Kevin, and he is completely questionable.

39:05🔗 Adam Yeah, acceptable names. Seth is acceptable. Adam is nice. Joel.

39:12🔗 Guest Dax.

39:12🔗 Adam Rarely. Horrible.

39:14🔗 Guest You ever have a babysitter named Dax?

39:16🔗 Guest Or Bernie. It's always questionable.

39:19🔗 Adam And what does he do? Does he work with metal?

39:22🔗 Guest He's a chemist.

39:23🔗 Adam Oh, chemist. All right, he's fine. He's fine. That's fine.

39:28🔗 Guest I was going to go the other way on that. I'm like, anyone that would like to spend time in a laboratory with penis-shaped graduated cylinders and beakers and.

39:38🔗 Adam We would. We'd be great jurors.

39:41🔗 Guest Or armchair scientists just, well, that sounds horrible.

39:46🔗 Adam What's the defendant's name? His name is Shake Allah. Guilty. Guilty. Next. No, we're not accusing him. This is tax evasion. Doesn't matter. Next. Who's next?

39:58🔗 Guest I don't need to know how to spell his last name. It's G-U-I-L-T-Y.

40:03🔗 Adam Next case is Brad, but he goes by Bradley. No, he's fine. Keep moving.

40:08🔗 Guest I don't care if he lives in an affluent neighborhood. From now on, he lives in the hole. You understand?

40:14🔗 Adam Yeah. We call it, yeah, it's a gut instinct trial. Yeah, you got to follow your gut. Drew, what'd you find out about the Moto Guzzi?

40:21🔗 Drew I got a picture of her for you.

40:22🔗 Guest So the verdict is that she should take her kid to the doctor.

40:25🔗 Adam She should take her kid to the doctor and any of these pussies out there who buys the cop auction bike and then the two-tone black and white helmet needs to just floor it into a stucco wall and kill yourself.

40:37🔗 Guest Kill yourself.

40:38🔗 Adam Please, you pussies.

40:39🔗 Guest Before he announces.

40:40🔗 Adam Who are you kidding?

40:41🔗 Guest Before he announces the verdict here, I want to be clear that I'm just saying that not since the 60s, do you realize that that's what I'm claiming?

40:49🔗 Adam No, I know, but I'm saying it might go into the 70s.

40:52🔗 Guest Chippies, the chips. I mean, John and Punch drove Kawasaki's.

40:56🔗 Adam That's true. That's true, but that was CHP, and also that was 76, 77. We're not talking 71, 72. All right, can we alienate ourselves any further from our 14-year-old audience?

41:10🔗 Drew Take a break. You guys can go ahead and look at the picture.

41:12🔗 Guest There's six motorbike enthusiasts that are literally. Finally, they just pulled their pants down.

41:18🔗 Adam Yeah, the guy's been waiting nine long years for us to talk about the Moto Guzzi.

41:22🔗 Guest I know that if I just sit patiently.

41:24🔗 Guest Say it again, Moto Guzzi.

41:26🔗 Adam We will take ourselves a little bit of a break, and we'll be right back after this.

41:39🔗 Caller Martin Kalander, the Olympics in Athens are coming August 13th to the networks of NBC.

42:15🔗 Adam Hey everybody, it's Love Line, I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew over there, keeping it real, back at the board.

42:22🔗 Drew In the hissy.

42:24🔗 Adam Drew has not been behind the Loveline board in many, many a year on there.

42:29🔗 Drew Things have changed. If you had a hissy, you would be out of the house.

42:35🔗 Adam Yeah. Dax Shepard is here tonight, as well as Seth Green from Without a Battle.

42:40🔗 Guest What was it you said on that? You were like, you've got to keep her spunk drunk 24-7.

42:45🔗 Adam Oh, let's just hear it. Come on, Anderson.

42:47🔗 Drew You got to get out there and get your bitch spunk drunk. Look, mother fucker, I'm telling you, don't be a player hater, because when you tap her in the ass, you ain't going to be interested in pistol rubbing no more, and the digit is Dizzle, and in the hissy for chizzy, you're going to be great on the QT for real.

43:08🔗 Guest And you know what, it's sound advice. It really is.

43:12🔗 Drew I'm telling you, nigger, that it would put you into the mode where you would have no problem to get that freaky shit going. 24-7 flowing semen here in your house. In your hissy, for chizzy. I'm not sure with the end goal of ICP.

43:24🔗 Adam It's all, it's in context, Drew. They call themselves that.

43:28🔗 Drew I know that. It was making, being fun with, and David Ambrose said I could do it. And Dr. Drew in the hissy.

43:35🔗 Adam Yeah, well, Dag, he speaks for all people of color.

43:40🔗 Drew I have to check with him.

43:41🔗 Adam Well, that's cool. Yeah, he's our main man, by the way.

43:44🔗 Drew I was so not expecting that.

43:46🔗 Guest I just wasn't expecting it. Like the first time I saw that bit, I had no idea that that's where it was going. It really took me by surprise and just made me laugh a lot.

43:53🔗 Adam Seth Green, by the way, can be seen on Crank Yankers is, well, new season, Tuesdays at 10.30 on Comedy Central.

44:02🔗 Drew And the Family Guy.

44:04🔗 Adam And Family Guy coming. When is the Family Guy, the new season?

44:07🔗 Guest I don't know, sometime between January and March, they're gonna put it off. We've already recorded, like, six new shows.

44:11🔗 Drew I begged Alex Borstein and Mila to get me a voice on that show.

44:16🔗 Guest I'm sure it wouldn't be hard. You should call up Maverick. Call up Southwick Farland.

44:20🔗 Adam Yeah, let me just do a little recreation of the Mila Kunis, Dr. Drew family guy discussion. Mila, you gotta get me on that show. What show, and who are you? Family Guy, huh? I do that? I gotta talk to my agent. Drew begging 19-year-old celebrities.

44:38🔗 Drew I love the family guy.

44:40🔗 Guest She is one of the cutest, sweetest girls in existence.

44:43🔗 Adam Put Drew on that show, please, and shut him up. And even if it's just a throwaway show.

44:48🔗 Drew Absolutely. Absolutely, just something I can show my kids.

44:51🔗 Adam All right, let's see. Irwin, molested as a kid. Family history of bipolar. Mom and boyfriend died on same night.

45:01🔗 Guest So we're gonna keep the upbeat right here.

45:03🔗 Adam Sounds upbeat, yeah. Heather?

45:05🔗 Guest Yes.

45:05🔗 Adam Your mother and your boyfriend died on the same night?

45:09🔗 Guest Yes.

45:12🔗 Adam Were they together in the same car or is just a horrible coincidence?

45:17🔗 Guest The night that my mom died, I went home because I lived with my boyfriend.

45:24🔗 Adam And so you found him?

45:26🔗 Guest Yeah.

45:27🔗 Adam And that had nothing to do with your mom. That was just a completely separate incident.

45:33🔗 Guest Yeah, it was completely different.

45:35🔗 Guest How long ago was that?

45:36🔗 Guest It was completely separate.

45:38🔗 Drew How long ago?

45:38🔗 Guest How long ago?

45:39🔗 Guest It was in April.

45:41🔗 Adam Whoa.

45:41🔗 Drew What'd your mom die from?

45:43🔗 Guest She died from cancer.

45:44🔗 Drew So that was sort of an anticipated death, right?

45:47🔗 Guest Yeah.

45:47🔗 Adam But not the boyfriend. Was the boyfriend depressed?

45:53🔗 Guest Evidently.

45:54🔗 Drew So he had never complained of depression?

45:55🔗 Guest Did he leave a note?

45:57🔗 Guest The only thing he ever said, anything about death was that he couldn't live without me.

46:05🔗 Guest Were you threatening to leave him?

46:07🔗 Guest No.

46:08🔗 Drew Was he on medication or doing drugs or something? I can't hear.

46:14🔗 Adam Phone lines cutting out again.

46:15🔗 Drew Try that. What was that?

46:17🔗 Guest No, no, he wasn't doing anything.

46:19🔗 Adam All right, so he just killed himself for no reason. I mean, obviously he was depressed.

46:25🔗 Guest We had an argument that night.

46:29🔗 Drew Something's missing from this story.

46:30🔗 Adam Was there some revelation or something?

46:35🔗 Guest I was mad at him because he wasn't home when I got home.

46:39🔗 Drew Can you tell us something about his history? I mean, is his history of mental health problems or?

46:45🔗 Guest He had tried to kill himself a few times before.

46:48🔗 Drew That would be depression, okay? You can put that in there for us.

46:51🔗 Adam All right. So, have you got any counseling or anything, Heather? Well, do you have a question for us?

47:01🔗 Guest I do. How can I help myself be fair to somebody that I'm in a relationship with?

47:09🔗 Adam Are you in a new relationship?

47:11🔗 Guest Yes.

47:11🔗 Drew What do you do? What do you mean be fair? How are you not being fair?

47:15🔗 Guest Because I feel that I keep comparing everybody that I talk to or that I'm interested in or that I'm dating to him and he's not here anymore.

47:27🔗 Guest But that's the practical experience that you have.

47:29🔗 Guest That would happen even if he hadn't killed himself and you guys just broke up.

47:32🔗 Drew Absolutely. And you'll get over that. Minimum of six months to get over something like that.

47:37🔗 Guest I feel like it's not giving the person I'm with a fair chance, though.

47:41🔗 Adam Well, maybe you're intentionally doing this to keep this new person at arm's length.

47:46🔗 Drew Absolutely, and the only person you're not giving a fair chance to is yourself to mourn the loss of these people. Give yourself that space. Wow, that's heavy.

47:54🔗 Adam Wow, let me write that down.

47:55🔗 Drew You got it.

47:56🔗 Adam Yeah, Heather, stay in therapy, and when you notice yourself bringing up the hanging guy, don't do it. I mean, you just have to sort of keep an eye on yourself.

48:06🔗 Drew What I know about her, though, is that she needs to be a caretaker. Right?

48:10🔗 Guest I will say, though, my one experience in life where I broke up with a girl and there was absolutely no closure, that's the only girl that continues to, like, could potentially rattle me because you can go, well, it didn't play out. Something drastic happened immediately and then there was no closure. And so you didn't go through the horrible time and then finally it got fed up and then left the person. So you could, I could see where she would go, oh, well, it was perfect and it was taken from me. But it probably wasn't perfect and there is no such thing as perfect, unfortunately.

48:40🔗 Adam So, right, Dax's interpretation of closure is anal though.

48:47🔗 Drew I knew what he meant.

48:47🔗 Guest Now that's my interpretation of introduction.

48:51🔗 Drew We got a break.

48:51🔗 Adam Big celebrity. We'll take ourselves a little break. Dax Shepard, Seth Green here tonight without a paddle and we'll be right back after this.

48:59🔗 Guest All right guys, bottom line, here's the deal.

49:01🔗 Guest Looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

49:04🔗 Caller One call is all you need to make.

49:06🔗 Guest Call the dateline.

49:07🔗 Guest 877-889-DATE.

49:13🔗 Caller Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

49:15🔗 Caller 1-800-12-1-9-1.

49:25🔗 Guest Hey, the LG just put out a 72 inch screen.

49:31🔗 Guest Really?

49:42🔗 Adam That's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Seth Green is here tonight as well as Dax Shepard from Without a Paddle. Boy, we just had a real heady conversation about plasma screens.

49:58🔗 Guest That's how we lightened up the atmosphere of the guy.

50:00🔗 Guest Don't compare answers.

50:02🔗 Drew Don't work on those during the mic strides.

50:04🔗 Guest You know what's weird is there's already, and I'm going to out you right now, Dr. Drew is doing this survey about celebrities because no one's really probably, I assume, had access to them to do a study.

50:14🔗 Drew That's what you figure it is, yeah.

50:17🔗 Guest So Dr. Drew is now, Seth and I, not that I am legitimately a celebrity, but we'll be 199 and 200 in this survey, and I had filled out half of mine and looked over at Seth's, who had filled out half of his, and you could have photocopied it.

50:28🔗 Adam Oh really, same answer.

50:29🔗 Guest I bet you're going to find some patterns here.

50:31🔗 Drew Interesting, that's what we're looking for.

50:34🔗 Guest I'm a little confused because some of the questions spell out three different things. They're not worth it.

50:39🔗 Adam Here's the thing, you just fill them out and pretend that you don't care.

50:42🔗 Guest They tried to save space, the question would be like, I like to eat breakfast. Eggs, bacon, potatoes and pancakes. And you're like, well, yes, I like to eat breakfast. Yes, I like eggs, I like bacon. I don't like potatoes, but you have an all in one question. That's just going to be my first kind of...

50:58🔗 Guest I really enjoy American Idol and I think Clay Aiken got the shaft.

51:02🔗 Guest I do like American Idol, but I don't...

51:05🔗 Adam All right, there we go. Drew, see what this test do? Make everyone loopy. Heidi, you're 26?

51:15🔗 Guest Right in my wheelhouse.

51:16🔗 Adam You consider yourself a sex addict?

51:19🔗 Guest I think so.

51:20🔗 Guest What's that based on?

51:22🔗 Guest What's it based on? The fact that I meet people, I have sex with them, and then I want nothing to do with them afterwards.

51:31🔗 Guest But like, common clinical sexual addiction is based on other things.

51:35🔗 Adam By that criteria, you could be a producer.

51:40🔗 Drew But how many guys were talking about here?

51:43🔗 Guest In the last couple years, I would say about at least 40.

51:46🔗 Guest What's your phone number?

51:50🔗 Drew All I know so far is that you don't like intimacy and that you have a high sex drive.

51:56🔗 Guest Do you feel lousy after it?

51:59🔗 Guest I don't necessarily feel lousy. The problem is I do want a relationship. It's just I don't find anybody that is willing to deal with the fact that I am sexually aggressive. I am very upset.

52:11🔗 Guest I'm gonna guess that that stems from the fact that you have sex with them before you get to know them.

52:15🔗 Adam Sexually aggressive usually just means 200 pounds plus. Yes? Big gal?

52:21🔗 Guest Well, very close.

52:23🔗 Adam Right. You're six foot?

52:27🔗 Drew Yeah. That can scare a guy who's got a couple drinks in him.

52:30🔗 Guest I'm a really nice guy. He's six foot five and looking for a sweet girl with a high sex drive who desperately wants to be understood. I'm not kidding.

52:39🔗 Adam It's actually Seth on Dax's shoulders with a long trench coat and a boner.

52:43🔗 Guest That would put us well over ten feet.

52:46🔗 Guest I swear he had two fetuses. We'd be the perfect match because you could actually have two at once all the time.

52:52🔗 Adam Hold on. What happened to that gag where the kids got on each other's shoulders and did the trench coat and tried to get into the club or whatever?

52:58🔗 Guest We did it in one of the Austin Powers movies. Oh, we did?

53:02🔗 Adam All right. Well, that's what happened to it. Well, then what about souffle humor where the souffle we cracked down. All right. Heidi.

53:09🔗 Drew But Heidi, listen. The sexual aggression is guys just aren't really attracted to you. You're into you and they don't know how to deal with that. If guys are into you and you're being sexually aggressive, it's fine. Guys are fine with that.

53:21🔗 Adam Plus, you're formidable.

53:22🔗 Drew Yeah. But let's talk about it.

53:24🔗 Guest As much as I want every girl in the world to be like Heidi, the sad fact is, and my girlfriend and I were just talking about it, I've never dated someone that I nailed right off the bat. It just hasn't happened. Yeah.

53:34🔗 Adam Well, I don't...

53:35🔗 Guest I want that to be the case because I want to meet you in a bar and I want you to give it up within 15 seconds. But the sad truth is we probably won't date.

53:43🔗 Adam I don't think Heidi, by the way, even wants to date. Or do you? You want a long-term thing?

53:50🔗 Guest But I think that's an easy way to...

53:52🔗 Adam Yeah, I mean...

53:53🔗 Guest That kind of claim is an easy thing to say.

53:54🔗 Adam She says she wants it, but she's not approaching her life that way.

53:58🔗 Drew Let's take a sort of snapshot of your history here. Are you an addict? Am I an addict? You have never been addicted to any chemical? And were you sexually abused growing up?

54:08🔗 Caller She said God no.

54:10🔗 Drew You were sexually abused. So really, it would be more in the realm of sexual compulsion we talk about here.

54:15🔗 Adam Who abused you?

54:15🔗 Guest My grandfather. Ew.

54:18🔗 Drew From what age to what age?

54:19🔗 Guest From the time I was four until the time I was nine.

54:24🔗 Adam Yeah. Is he dead?

54:25🔗 Guest You're exacting a lot of control over yourself and your own physical domain by acting out with other people.

54:31🔗 Drew Right. What they do is just reenact the trauma over and over again compulsively.

54:35🔗 Adam Listen, and again, a plea for all grandparents who want to molest to kill themselves. Just kill yourself. You're close. You got one foot in the grave as it is. You smell. You got that dandruff thing going on in the sport coats. Just put a bullet in your head, grandpa. Please would you? Can you believe that? And not only do you get molested, you get it by an old guy. You know what I mean? It's lose, lose.

54:57🔗 Drew Yeah, but it's your grandfather.

54:58🔗 Adam Man, it's your grandpa.

55:00🔗 Guest And it's only gonna increase now that there's Viagra.

55:02🔗 Drew This is something Seth and I were talking about. The basic covenant between the generations has been just completely dissolved. Big people take care of little people. One generation takes care of the next. That covenant's just gone.

55:14🔗 Guest Yeah, that's really every person for themselves.

55:16🔗 Adam Hey, Heidi. How about you start with a whole bunch of therapy?

55:21🔗 Drew Yeah.

55:22🔗 Adam Can you do that?

55:23🔗 Guest I've already gone through therapy.

55:26🔗 Adam Yeah. I don't think you can go through therapy if your grandfather has had you for five years. I think you can just be in therapy.

55:34🔗 Drew Not only that. Not only that.

55:36🔗 Adam It's like a hamster wheel of therapy.

55:38🔗 Guest But finding a really good counselor that you connect with is a tricky thing, too. You can try and solve the same problems with three or four different people and find only one person that you can actually make any progress with.

55:48🔗 Drew That's true. And the success in therapy would not include this kind of behavior. So whatever you did, it didn't work. You didn't finish it. You didn't continue. Whatever. And it's time to get back to it a little bit.

56:00🔗 Adam And secondly, you can stop whatever it is you're doing that you don't like. I mean, can you stop acting out?

56:06🔗 Drew And just look for a relationship. This obviously is not the way to do it.

56:09🔗 Adam Yeah. All right.

56:11🔗 Guest There's obviously something wrong with the plan because you called.

56:15🔗 Adam Well here's the thing, too, Heidi, too. And don't sabotage your chance at a good relationship by bringing up the millions of partners you've had in the last three weeks before you met the guy. You will do it under the guise of truthfulness, but the reality is you're going to be pushing the guy away. Just, you know, take a nice shower in a loofah and find some nice fresh-faced kid and don't tell them about it. Tell them you're a virgin. Or you can do that Hyman reconstruction. Yeah, Drew?

56:43🔗 Drew Yeah, why not?

56:45🔗 Adam You meet a nice guy at our black and white barbecue that we're working on. Me and Dax. Everyone wears purple hoods.

56:52🔗 Guest Yeah, it's going to be great.

56:53🔗 Guest It is going to be a hell of a cookout.

56:54🔗 Guest Purple party.

56:55🔗 Adam That's right. Right. And the only skin color we focus on is the color of the chicken on the barbecue, not burning it. That's the only skin color.

57:06🔗 Guest The only skin color is pink, medium pink.

57:08🔗 Adam That's right.

57:09🔗 Guest Well done.

57:10🔗 Adam That's right.

57:11🔗 Guest That's the only colors we know.

57:12🔗 Adam I like it, by the way. I don't know why this just got me thinking on this, but remember I used to scream about whenever a wardrobe put me in a suit or something, it was always too tight, and then the wardrobe guy would always go, oh, that designer, yeah, they make them really small. Like, they're 40 too long. It's like everyone else is 40 regular. I'm like, well, you can't do that. Or you should know. But they do this at restaurants where you go, I'll have it medium rare, and they go, our medium rare. What do you mean your medium rare? Just make it like everyone's medium rare, you idiots.

57:44🔗 Guest This just happened to Seth and I in Chicago literally last week. They go, well, our medium rare is actually very rare. What gives you license to completely throw the lexicon out and start from scratch?

58:00🔗 Adam It's like you pulling into a gas station and I'm going, you should know our gallon is really only about three quarters of a gallon.

58:07🔗 Guest Our premium is 93 octane and our regular is 86.

58:10🔗 Drew Well, why the hell are three by fours, three sixths, whatever they are, three and two thirds.

58:17🔗 Adam Listen Norm, first off, there's no three by fours.

58:19🔗 Drew Or whatever, four by fours.

58:20🔗 Adam There's two by fours.

58:21🔗 Drew Whatever, they're not two by fours.

58:24🔗 Adam Two by four is an inch and a half by three and a half because that's the way the lumber industry makes their money.

58:29🔗 Drew It's not two by fours though.

58:30🔗 Adam All right, but I agree with that. It used to be a two by four, but here's the whole thing.

58:34🔗 Drew You go-

58:35🔗 Guest What the hell are you guys talking about?

58:37🔗 Adam Okay, first off, they're spread out 16 on center. No, here's the thing. A two by four has made its way down to an inch and a half by three and a half.

58:46🔗 Drew They're not even two by fours anymore.

58:47🔗 Adam They're not two by fours. All right, but the point is, and here's my point, Drew. If I go to Home Depot and buy a two by four, it is the same dimension as it is at Terry Lumber's, it is at Osh's, it is at Lowe's.

58:58🔗 Drew Let me try a different thing.

59:00🔗 Adam Once you establish what a 44 long is or what rare is or what medium rare is, whatever you want to call it, if it's universal, we're fine.

59:07🔗 Guest We're fine.

59:08🔗 Adam I don't like these people with our version of it. Like I would decide.

59:11🔗 Drew Here's where the horse emerges from the barn is this name spelling, Amy, A-I-M-E-E, and that's where it goes.

59:18🔗 Guest This whole clothing thing though, we know where it all started and it's because The Gap was like, you know what's a great way to get women to buy clothes is an eight can come in here and put on a six and they're going to buy it because every girl wants to be a six. It's like my girlfriend, perfect body, obsessed with what she weighs, right? I always say, why do you weigh yourself? If you look good, you look good. Wouldn't you rather be 260 and have Nicole Kidman's body than 110 and look like Carney Wilson?

59:44🔗 Adam That's right.

59:44🔗 Guest You know?

59:45🔗 Adam Except that's impossible.

59:46🔗 Guest That is not true.

59:48🔗 Adam You know, you're right. You're right. If they're on a different planet or something.

59:52🔗 Guest But they'd be happy wearing a size six even though they know damn well they're a 10 plus. And they'll go shopping there knowing they're lying to themselves just to say I wear a six. And now you have girls that really wear like negative 25. Like Kate Hudson wears a negative 25.

1:00:08🔗 Adam Let me just say when me and Dax are in charge, medium rare is going to be medium rare, 44 long is going to be god damn 44 long. And the black and white barbecue with the purple robes and hoods every weekend. Absolutely. Every weekend, uniting the country through standardization of sizes and the black and white barbecue.

1:00:29🔗 Guest Yes. Mesquite will be mesquite by God. And if you go against it, you're going to have black and white men against you.

1:00:35🔗 Adam And medium rare will be medium rare. Nicole?

1:00:40🔗 Guest Hi, Nicky.

1:00:40🔗 Adam You're 17? What's up?

1:00:43🔗 Guest Who's cuter?

1:00:44🔗 What was that?

1:00:46🔗 Guest Who's cuter?

1:00:48🔗 Guest Mighty Mouse or Speedy Gonzales?

1:00:51🔗 Guest Definitely Mighty Mouse.

1:00:53🔗 Guest That's just because he's got the superhero outfit.

1:00:54🔗 Adam Yeah, he wore his underpants. Go ahead. Didn't Mighty Mouse sing opera too or something? Shut up. Please.

1:01:03🔗 Guest Here I come to sing a song.

1:01:07🔗 Adam Let me just say this real quick before we get to your question. About mice. I've had an ass full of them in our culture and cartoons and stuff.

1:01:14🔗 Guest Anytime you talk about an ass full of mice, you're approaching a different subject.

1:01:19🔗 Adam All I'm saying is mice are basically bred to be bait and to be just sort of exterminated, eaten by owls and fed to snakes. Do we have to make a bunch of cartoons and stuff about them at the Mighty? Just shut up with them.

1:01:30🔗 Guest It is the prototypical underdog.

1:01:32🔗 Adam I'm done with them. Nicole?

1:01:34🔗 Guest Oh, that was a good answer, Seth.

1:01:35🔗 Guest Thanks, buddy.

1:01:37🔗 Adam Nicole? Hello? Sorry. Go ahead, baby dog.

1:01:40🔗 Guest I have a problem like I don't have orgasms and I don't get turned on.

1:01:46🔗 Guest You're 17.

1:01:47🔗 Adam That's good.

1:01:48🔗 Drew Yeah, you're 17. That's normal.

1:01:50🔗 Adam Yeah. That's fine.

1:01:52🔗 Guest It's fine. Yeah.

1:01:53🔗 Drew So most...

1:01:55🔗 Guest Can I take a guess at something? Do you have... Are you light haired? Do you have light hair?

1:02:05🔗 Guest Well, have you been in any committed relationship?

1:02:07🔗 Guest Testosterone levels affect that drastically.

1:02:09🔗 Adam You can come to the barbecue if you're blonde or...

1:02:10🔗 Guest No, no. But if you're hairier, if you have more testosterone, women with more testosterone have orgasms easier. And she could just be a very fair Norwegian girl.

1:02:20🔗 Guest But wait a second. Have you dated a lot of guys? Have you had a lot of opportunity to have orgasms?

1:02:26🔗 Guest The thing is, I live with my current boyfriend and we've been together for a year.

1:02:30🔗 Guest Do you masturbate and give yourself an orgasm?

1:02:34🔗 Guest Yeah, I went to the doctor and she said to try Vibrator and I tried that and that didn't even work.

1:02:39🔗 Drew Hang on.

1:02:39🔗 Guest You're 17 and you're living with your boyfriend?

1:02:41🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:02:41🔗 Caller What was that?

1:02:43🔗 Guest Yes.

1:02:43🔗 Guest I'm pretty sure you heard me. You're 17 and you're living with your boyfriend?

1:02:46🔗 Guest Yeah. Oh, I'm emancipated.

1:02:49🔗 Drew Why emancipated? What happened at home?

1:02:50🔗 Adam Something with a vibrator.

1:02:52🔗 Guest I just don't like my sister.

1:02:53🔗 Caller Nothing for my parents.

1:02:54🔗 Guest I just don't like my sister.

1:02:56🔗 Drew Did she abuse you or something? Did she physically abuse you or something?

1:03:01🔗 Guest She's bipolar and I can't handle that.

1:03:03🔗 Guest And she lives with your parents?

1:03:05🔗 Guest Yeah.

1:03:05🔗 Guest And your parents are okay with you moving out of the house because you and your sister don't get along?

1:03:09🔗 Guest Well, yeah, because I had an attorney and I showed a great deal of responsibility.

1:03:15🔗 Adam An attorney?

1:03:16🔗 Guest You know, when I was 17, I showed a great deal of responsibility, too, but...

1:03:20🔗 Adam Wow.

1:03:21🔗 Drew That's a pretty heavy, traumatic family situation, but all right, be that as it may.

1:03:25🔗 Adam And by the way, how about the doctor? I would gloss it over the doctor who recommended the vibrator.

1:03:31🔗 Drew That's kind of... Listen.

1:03:32🔗 Guest That's good. I applaud that doctor.

1:03:34🔗 Drew Well done, doc. 17. Not nearly enough is made about the developmental process of the female. The fact is that many women and nearly most have difficulty having orgasm until their early 20s. That's part of the biological development. It's not a psychological process. As you see, with all the encouragement in the world, it still just doesn't work yet. And that's very, very common.

1:03:56🔗 Guest You hit 25, it's going to be a non-stop party.

1:03:57🔗 Drew It'll start working. And then after that, most women never have an orgasm with intercourse.

1:04:02🔗 Adam All right, Dax, stop eating.

1:04:03🔗 Guest Oh, Jesus. Was I doing that?

1:04:05🔗 Adam That was you. Hey, uh, uh, Nicole? Okay. Is our phone screwing up again?

1:04:12🔗 Drew Yeah, it is.

1:04:12🔗 Adam Fantastic. All right.

1:04:13🔗 Guest But I want to know how old Nicole's boyfriend is. I'm a little bit suspicious of him.

1:04:18🔗 Adam Nicole?

1:04:19🔗 Guest Yeah?

1:04:19🔗 Guest How old's your boyfriend?

1:04:21🔗 Guest Um, he's 19.

1:04:24🔗 Adam And you're living together and you're working and he's working?

1:04:27🔗 Guest Yeah, I work for an insurance company and he works for Napa. You know what?

1:04:31🔗 Guest Just be patient. Like, take time to really explore yourself and get comfortable with yourself. You've been through a lot.

1:04:36🔗 Adam Yeah. Your boyfriend works for NASA?

1:04:39🔗 Guest No, Napa Auto.

1:04:41🔗 Adam Oh, Napa.

1:04:42🔗 Guest Napa.

1:04:42🔗 Adam Big difference.

1:04:45🔗 Drew How dare I think you're NASA?

1:04:47🔗 Guest Yeah, he's an RC builder over at JPL.

1:04:50🔗 Adam It's funny. It's like, all of a sudden, you go from the mechanical drafting board and him wearing some glasses and sleeves rolled up to a guy behind the counter with a goober, with the flap of his hat turned up.

1:05:01🔗 Guest Banging on the greasiest keyboard you ever saw. Every time I get an auto part, I'm like, how oily can one computer keyboard get and still function?

1:05:10🔗 Guest At the point where they're covering them in Saran wrap, just as a precaution, then changing out the wrap.

1:05:15🔗 Adam You know what's a nice loser move is not only working, you know, fixing your own car, but doing it on a city street. Like you got an apartment and you can't do it. Like the landlord has found a little too much tranny fluid in the driveway and has forbid you from coming in. So you actually work in the parking lot.

1:05:33🔗 Guest I saw a guy change the transmission in a Sears parking lot.

1:05:36🔗 Adam I love that.

1:05:37🔗 Guest Yeah, I do too. I wanted to give the guy a hand.

1:05:39🔗 Adam I like the ideas they're doing. These guys, you pull up in front of an auto parts place, there's guys doing full engine rebuilds in the parking lot.

1:05:47🔗 Guest Some guys have just pushed it into that lot, got the parts, and they're only leaving that parking lot.

1:05:54🔗 Drew It's done.

1:05:54🔗 Guest They've got to get that celluloid in there.

1:05:56🔗 Adam The block's coming back from the machine shop around noon, so we're going to drop it in with this cherry picker.

1:06:02🔗 Drew A three-angle valve job.

1:06:03🔗 Guest It's going to be about 625 horse when I leave here.

1:06:08🔗 Guest I wish I knew what you were talking about.

1:06:11🔗 Adam Well, he knows Moto Guzzi and Solenoid. He knows them all. All right. Yeah, that is a white trash move right there.

1:06:19🔗 Guest I'd actually like someone to call in with an automotive question because I don't know anything about relationships or sex.

1:06:25🔗 Adam You know about automotive?

1:06:26🔗 Drew Adam will ask you.

1:06:27🔗 Adam I'll ask you a question. You want to like a stump or do you want to call in with them?

1:06:33🔗 Guest Do we answer your question?

1:06:33🔗 Guest We tell her to be patient.

1:06:36🔗 Adam You want American or you want a foreign car?

1:06:38🔗 Guest I'd like to go American.

1:06:39🔗 Adam You want American?

1:06:40🔗 Guest Yeah.

1:06:40🔗 Adam Do you want like a like a like a stumper or what do you want?

1:06:44🔗 Guest Now I don't know a stumper. I don't want to look like a fool.

1:06:47🔗 Adam What's a slave cylinder do?

1:06:49🔗 Guest A slave cylinder. I'm going to say that's in the brakes. I blew it.

1:06:54🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:06:55🔗 Guest I did. What's a slave cylinder?

1:06:56🔗 Adam Hydraulic clutch.

1:06:58🔗 Guest Hydraulic clutch.

1:06:59🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:07:00🔗 Guest You're right.

1:07:01🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:07:01🔗 Guest I knew that at some level and I just blew it.

1:07:03🔗 Adam I just like that word.

1:07:04🔗 Guest I think slave cylinder is the other nickname for Britney Spears' fiance.

1:07:08🔗 Adam It's also going to be the name of the barbecue, too, if we're thrown. Drew?

1:07:13🔗 Guest My dad's going to punch me in the mouth for getting that wrong, by the way.

1:07:15🔗 Adam Did your dad work? Did your dad have cars and you'd go tool on him with him?

1:07:20🔗 Guest Yeah, he did. I mean, actually, he's not the gear head. I was a gear head, but he really thinks of me as a gear head. When he finds out that I dropped the ball on that, I think all of his love for me is going to be gone.

1:07:32🔗 Adam A lot of the older Hot Rods had the hydraulic clutches, so maybe that was it.

1:07:35🔗 Drew Hey, Adam, your dad thinks of you as a gear head, doesn't he? Oh, he doesn't think of you.

1:07:39🔗 Adam Yeah, that's right.

1:07:40🔗 Guest I have a complaint.

1:07:42🔗 Drew This is during the break. Adam freaks out.

1:07:44🔗 Adam Drew? Caller Drew?

1:07:46🔗 Yeah.

1:07:47🔗 Adam What's up? You're 18.

1:07:49🔗 Caller I'm 18. And, well, here goes. I've been friends with this girl for about two years now.

1:07:55🔗 Guest Don't do it.

1:07:56🔗 Adam Yeah?

1:07:57🔗 Caller Don't do it.

1:07:58🔗 Adam Yeah, I agree with Seth.

1:08:00🔗 Guest Watch Pretty in Pink over and over again.

1:08:03🔗 Adam What'd you do?

1:08:03🔗 Guest Watch some kind of wonderful, it doesn't work, dude.

1:08:06🔗 Adam You told her you loved her?

1:08:08🔗 Caller Yeah, I did.

1:08:09🔗 Adam And what'd she say?

1:08:11🔗 Caller She was just like really freaked out about it. She was like, oh my god, you know, I decided we were friends and blah, blah, blah. You know, she was like, you know, she was really surprised by it, I guess.

1:08:20🔗 Drew What's your question? What's your question?

1:08:21🔗 Guest How long have you guys been friends?

1:08:23🔗 Caller Two years? My question is like, what should I do now? Because...

1:08:26🔗 Drew It doesn't matter.

1:08:27🔗 Adam Well...

1:08:28🔗 Drew She's not Indian.

1:08:29🔗 Adam Right. But let me explain something, Drew. First off, there's a silver lining. You're 18, she's 18. In about 22 years, when she has four kids, a prolapsed vagina and a couple of bad marriages under her belt, some stretch marks, she's put a little weight on, you can have her if you stay in school. If you get that good gig and you've just made partner at the firm, you can have her. And actually, you can have her for one night probably in a little vengeance sex. But you have to bide your time. It's 15, 20 years away from now.

1:09:05🔗 Guest But in all seriousness, that's an awful predicament to be in because you're really good friends with somebody, you find yourself developing a crush on them because you get to appreciate them in their private moments.

1:09:13🔗 Drew No, no, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no. He's had this for a while. Nice, but he liked her from the beginning.

1:09:16🔗 Adam That's why he became friends with her.

1:09:18🔗 Guest I know. And he settled for the friendship, which was the full move to make in the first place because any time you put yourself in the position of, oh, I'll be a friend and sneaking through the back door, it does not work.

1:09:28🔗 Guest I'm going to disagree. I'm going to disagree. One of my most landmark love affairs was one I patiently waited out for about a year.

1:09:35🔗 Drew But did she know you were into her? Yeah. That's different. This guy led her to believe that this was her friend. And also, they're always shocked when the guy suddenly comes on with the full romance. They're like, what? I thought we were friends. Listen, if you're 18 to 22 and you have a male friend, he's into you. Unless you're into him, then he's not into you.

1:09:54🔗 Guest Or you're a step brother. And advice for the guys, if you think a girl is hot right off the bat, even when you're becoming friends with her, relentlessly flirt, pursue from the beginning. That way there's no misunderstanding and no like, I can't believe this comes out of nowhere. You're like, I've been telling you this from the get go.

1:10:09🔗 Adam Also, Dax is strapping, you know?

1:10:12🔗 Guest You think so, Adam?

1:10:14🔗 Guest Dax is, what are you, 6'2?

1:10:15🔗 Guest I'm 6'2, but I'm not the handiest of us guys.

1:10:18🔗 Guest Good looking, easy on the eyes.

1:10:20🔗 Guest Luckily, I've got an award-winning personality, so.

1:10:23🔗 Adam Call her Drew.

1:10:25🔗 Guest And a gravity defunding.

1:10:26🔗 Guest Literally, the trophy is on my credenza.

1:10:30🔗 Adam Drew, so you told her your feelings. She was freaked out, and now she's avoiding you?

1:10:38🔗 Guest It's roofie time.

1:10:39🔗 Adam All right, here's the whole thing. You don't really admit this to yourself because you're still under the same BS, flying under the same BS flag you've been flying for two years, which is you were, I thought we were friends, I can't believe you're, now you're still in love with her.

1:10:55🔗 Guest I'm also gonna say she knew. I'm also gonna go on a limb and say she knew. You know, you can feel it, it's in the air. When someone likes you, it's so palpable, and it grosses you out if you don't have those feelings. I don't think she didn't know.

1:11:06🔗 Guest There's a great thing that girls do, which is an enormous, they just deceive the hell out of themselves about things like that.

1:11:14🔗 Adam Yeah, well, they choose not to know it.

1:11:17🔗 Guest Right, I'm saying that she's not shocked. She must know on a certain level.

1:11:20🔗 Adam I don't think it's ever a huge surprise when the guy comes up. But, yes.

1:11:24🔗 Caller The reason why it's older is because, you know, I've been telling my friend, you know, well, my best friend this, you know, that I really liked her and stuff, and come to find out, like, a week ago, he slept with her, so. I'm kinda, you know, like, a stab in the back from him.

1:11:39🔗 Adam Sure.

1:11:40🔗 Guest This call should be more about your best friend and what an ass he is than the girl.

1:11:45🔗 Adam So anyway, caller Drew, every one of us has been through this. It's only worked for one of us, and even he had to put in a year, and in 17 or 18 year old years, a year.

1:11:57🔗 Guest Well, it was nine years of my life. It was 11th grade to 12th grade. It felt like a decade had passed.

1:12:03🔗 Adam Right, that's the point.

1:12:05🔗 Guest That was 5% of my life at that time.

1:12:08🔗 Guest I could think. You'll have many best friends who are girls. In your life. And you'll have many girls who you hook up with. It's difficult to make the two the same.

1:12:17🔗 Adam Yeah, just move forward and pounce upon first sight.

1:12:21🔗 Guest You know what the ironic twist is, is that after you've been going out for four or five years, all you are is best friends anyway. So she might as well just pump them for a couple years and they'll pick up right where they left off. I mean, who's getting to?

1:12:33🔗 Adam Dax is right.

1:12:34🔗 Guest You're basically living with your best friend after a while.

1:12:37🔗 Guest We'll set her straight.

1:12:38🔗 Adam Yeah, no, that's what happens. The relationship becomes like, I'm gonna put my penis through this hole on the plywood and watch porno while you put on a greased up oven mitt and give me a little hand action.

1:12:48🔗 Guest The hot and heavy. For anyone with the illusion that the hot and heavy is going over three years, I mean, yeah.

1:12:53🔗 Adam No, you don't do that tongue kissing anymore. It becomes gross. It's like watching your parents do it.

1:12:57🔗 Guest If someone tells me that like, oh, you were away for a week, you guys must have really went at it. I go, that's disgusting. You're talking about my best friend.

1:13:04🔗 Adam All right, Dax is now starting to freak me out because Drew is a man of exquisite passion.

1:13:11🔗 Drew You're gay.

1:13:12🔗 Adam Thank you, Drew. All right, let's take a little break here. Seth Green is here tonight, Dax Shepard here tonight from Without a Paddle coming out on the 18th. That is one week from this Wednesday and we'll be right back after this.

1:13:39🔗 Guest No. I'm sexually abused Seth and it was a blast.

1:13:42🔗 Guest It was a blast.

1:13:46🔗 Drew He's just signing autographs, is that all right?

1:13:50🔗 Guest No.

1:13:50🔗 Guest Two, one, go.

1:13:51🔗 Adam Hey everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Seth Green is here.

1:13:59🔗 Drew What's up, y'all?

1:14:00🔗 Adam Dax, quiet, Drew. I'm not done introducing the guest. Dax Shepard. Sorry, Adam. Thank you. Dax Shepard is also here tonight. What it is. What it is. Without a paddle is the name. And Dax Shepard just struck me as the world's greatest astronaut name. Dax Shepard.

1:14:18🔗 Guest Well, there is the famous Shepard astronaut, so it's not a far leap.

1:14:21🔗 Drew But Dax has even a more masculine.

1:14:23🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:14:24🔗 Guest That's the astronaut for the new millennium, y'all.

1:14:29🔗 Adam Dax, what's, is it short for something?

1:14:31🔗 Guest There was a best-selling book in the 70s called The Adventures by Harold Robbins, and my parents were reading the book when they were pregnant with me, and the lead character's name was Dax.

1:14:40🔗 Drew Trooper Doxand.

1:14:42🔗 Guest No, but.

1:14:43🔗 Adam Wow, so they just write a book and they...

1:14:45🔗 Guest Yeah, he was a Spanish revolutionary as to late every girl he met. And yeah, it was a real smutty.

1:14:53🔗 Adam It's a good thing they weren't reading like Charlotte's Web. Be shrewd like.

1:14:57🔗 Guest Well, believe me, in Michigan, I don't know that there could have been a worse name. Charlotte might have been about the equivalent.

1:15:03🔗 Adam Oh, Dax, yeah, but now it's cool.

1:15:05🔗 Guest Well, now people accuse me of having made it up for this line of work.

1:15:08🔗 Adam That's the other thing. Now you have to deal with that.

1:15:12🔗 Guest It's funny, when people are confronted with something new, they refuse to believe that that could just possibly be.

1:15:19🔗 Adam You hear a name like Dax and you assume, and the guy's in show business and he's on MTV or was on MTV.

1:15:25🔗 Guest But if you make that assumption about me, you're basically also making the assumption that I'm an ass.

1:15:29🔗 Adam Yeah, yeah.

1:15:29🔗 Guest No, we're doing that. Because if you think, oh, this guy made up this name Dax, then you must think I'm a real jerk too.

1:15:34🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:15:35🔗 Guest Right? Because if you told me, Dr. Drew, you said, my name's Lightning Bolt, I'd be like, A, you made it up, B, what kind of idiot makes up a name?

1:15:42🔗 Adam But that, by the way, but that's why we make the assumption it makes us feel better about us.

1:15:48🔗 Guest Right.

1:15:49🔗 I see you're a handsome man.

1:15:50🔗 But he's only 20 years old.

1:15:55🔗 Drew Could also, who gave you that name? Who, you know what I mean? Maybe it's a nickname or something.

1:15:59🔗 Guest Oh, that's true, but my nickname's Grunt.

1:16:03🔗 Adam Really?

1:16:03🔗 Guest Well, from when I was a kid, I was deaf until I was two years old. Really? Yes.

1:16:08🔗 Adam Deaf until two?

1:16:09🔗 Guest Yes. This is a true story. You could even call my mom to confirm this, but I had an earache. She took me to the doctor. Doctor looked at my ears and said, you know, Dax is deaf. And my mom said, Dax isn't deaf. Dax, touch your nose. So I touched my nose and then he said, okay, he turned me so I couldn't see her and said, now tell him to touch his nose. So she says, Dax, touch your nose. I do nothing. I had scar tissue over both ear drums and was deaf. And so I couldn't talk. I had like 25% hearing in one ear. So I would grunt. I would try to talk. And then I had a surgery and they took away the scar tissue. And then I was talking like a month later. Everything was fine.

1:16:45🔗 Adam Were you like reading your mom's lips?

1:16:47🔗 Guest Yeah, yeah. You learned to read lips just as quickly as you would learn to, you know.

1:16:52🔗 Adam Yeah? Hey, tell me what I'm saying right now.

1:16:56🔗 Guest Olive oil?

1:16:59🔗 Adam We're gonna need some.

1:17:00🔗 I love that you whisper it there.

1:17:01🔗 Caller You go, you go, you go, I'm so into you. It's ridiculous. Watch my lips move. I hope you can hear what I'm saying. I hope you can read between the lines.

1:17:11🔗 Guest I want you in the studio.

1:17:13🔗 Caller I don't care who watches.

1:17:14🔗 Adam I think I need your girlfriend to wait out in the car too. I don't need that.

1:17:17🔗 Guest She'll document with Photograph.

1:17:19🔗 Adam Oh, she will.

1:17:20🔗 Guest She's quick with a camera.

1:17:22🔗 Adam Elisa, Elisa, Elissama, what's up, baby doll?

1:17:27🔗 I'm 15 and I have a question about if you have an alcoholic parent, what can you do as their child to help them?

1:17:37🔗 Guest Well, I have intimate experience with this.

1:17:39🔗 Drew You want to talk about it?

1:17:40🔗 Adam Well, hold on.

1:17:42🔗 Guest Let's out our folks.

1:17:45🔗 Adam I want Dax to read my lips again. Al-anon. Did you read it, what'd I say?

1:17:49🔗 Guest Yeah, that was good. Did you get it?

1:17:51🔗 Adam Are you parents alcoholics? Yours, Dax?

1:17:56🔗 Guest I have a parent. That's a recovering alcoholic.

1:17:59🔗 Adam Did you do any Al-anon stuff?

1:18:00🔗 Guest It's alkene. I did, and I found it. Well, yeah, I did.

1:18:07🔗 Adam All right.

1:18:07🔗 Guest But I enjoyed going to AA more because I'd rather be the guy that was causing all the problems and the people dealing with the problems.

1:18:15🔗 Adam All right, hey, Alyssa? Is it Alyssa or Alyssa?

1:18:19🔗 Drew Alyssa.

1:18:20🔗 Adam That's another one we gotta straighten out, too. Is, how about something like allotine?

1:18:26🔗 Drew But see, she's focused on curing the mom and not helping herself. And that's one of the mistakes that people have when they're involved with alcoholic addicts. Really, all you can do is take care of yourself. And the fact is, in my experience, that when these important relationships in the alcoholic's life begin taking care of themselves, they stop engaging in the dance with the alcoholic. They stop putting up with the BS. And that actually wakes the alcoholic up very often. It gets them willing to get better. There's nothing you can do to make her better. You can certainly put her on notice that it's significantly affecting your life, refer her in the right direction, get her to go into AA if possible, get her to an addictionologist. But all you can do for yourself is go to Allatee and Androgynotherapy.

1:19:06🔗 Guest I think the most important thing for you to recognize is that it's not a judgment on how much that person loves you. That, oh, they don't love me enough to quit. Because they don't love themselves enough not to quit. They're miserable. Anyone who's suffered from it hates it more than you could possibly hate it, and they can't stop it for themselves. So you should never feel like it's any judgment on their loving you or not loving you.

1:19:33🔗 Adam That is. Take care of yourself, all right? Have a good time.

1:19:37🔗 Guest It really sucks to deal with that when you're 15.

1:19:39🔗 Drew Yeah, but you shouldn't have to be a parent at 15.

1:19:41🔗 Guest No, but so many people are.

1:19:44🔗 Adam Yeah, and saving your parents or healing your parents, you should just work on getting away from them. Really, that's what you need to focus on. And then retribution, which is the stage I'm at now. Now it's payback time. Oh yeah, it's a bitch. Pixie? You're 18?

1:20:00🔗 Guest Uh-huh.

1:20:01🔗 Guest Is that a nickname, Pixie?

1:20:04🔗 Adam Wow, you gotta get together with Dax.

1:20:06🔗 Guest Do they read that famous book?

1:20:08🔗 Adam This is Dax and Pixie Shepard.

1:20:11🔗 Guest Dax and Pixie. Daxie and Pix Shepard. Would you like to date me? Is that an option, Pixie?

1:20:19🔗 Caller I really don't know.

1:20:22🔗 Guest Oh boy, I've just been exposed as a nobody.

1:20:24🔗 Adam Go ahead, Pixie. You gotta get in another motorcycle accident, build your confidence up. Go ahead, Pixie.

1:20:32🔗 Guest Okay, I've been dating this guy for about a month, right? Every time we mess around, I can't get his penis fully hard. I mean, I'll do strip teases, I'll do everything.

1:20:45🔗 Guest Is it really large? Because sometimes that has an effect. If a guy has a really, really large penis, it won't get fully large.

1:20:50🔗 Drew Is he on medication?

1:20:52🔗 Guest It's what?

1:20:53🔗 Guest No, it's eight inches long. I love it, she knows exactly. It's eight inches.

1:20:58🔗 Guest He's there. Is he on Prozac?

1:21:01🔗 Caller He's not on any medication.

1:21:03🔗 Guest No, he's not on anything.

1:21:05🔗 Guest How about Propecia? Does he have thin hair? Or is he on testosterone inhibitor?

1:21:09🔗 Guest He's, I don't know.

1:21:11🔗 Guest Is he into dudes?

1:21:13🔗 Guest I don't think he is. I mean, him and his friend that, they're living together, they're pretty homophobic. I mean.

1:21:19🔗 Adam That's a good sign.

1:21:21🔗 Guest That's the big flag right there.

1:21:22🔗 Drew I think he does protest us too much.

1:21:24🔗 Adam It's true. You hook these guys up to the tumescence monitor and show them some gay erotica. It's always the homophobes that set the thing off the charts. I've been busted a few times with that.

1:21:36🔗 Guest Obviously, there's times where it is fully erect because you've measured it. What's the percentage?

1:21:43🔗 Guest It won't be fully erect, but usually when I do measure, it's about eight inches.

1:21:48🔗 Guest That's a pretty good size whining this gentleman's got.

1:21:50🔗 Adam Not fully erect. And again, because there's confusion, you measure the penis, Drew, from where?

1:21:57🔗 Drew From behind the anus.

1:21:58🔗 Adam Center, center.

1:21:59🔗 Caller Top of the butt crack.

1:22:00🔗 Adam Center of the anus to just past the tip.

1:22:04🔗 Guest No, then you're measuring your perineum. That's not fair.

1:22:07🔗 Adam Center of the anus to just past the head.

1:22:09🔗 Guest Then I've got 15 inches because I've got a six inch perineum.

1:22:15🔗 Adam It's just past, so you can go just.

1:22:17🔗 Caller I've got the biggest perineum this radio station's ever witnessed. I've got the John Holmes of perineums. I'm the John. You could land an airplane on my perineum. I hope you like playing soccer on my perineum because there's room for all your friends. And John Travolta actually landed his jet on the runway that I call my perineum.

1:22:36🔗 Adam I believe that.

1:22:36🔗 Caller I tried to tour the Grand Canyon, but my perineum would not fit in its parameters. I've stored enough heat and food for the winter just inside my perineum.

1:22:49🔗 Guest It didn't even make any sense.

1:22:50🔗 Adam Hey, you want to see that whole perineum, actually, perineum riff.

1:22:56🔗 Guest Is it perineum?

1:22:57🔗 Adam I was going to stop you on the fourth one.

1:23:00🔗 Guest Listen, you say tomato, I say perineum. That's right.

1:23:05🔗 Adam I'm just going to let him roll with it.

1:23:07🔗 Guest Wait, now here's the question. So you're just not getting them completely hard?

1:23:13🔗 Guest No, and I'm actually doing a lot of things.

1:23:17🔗 Guest But what do you consider completely hard enough to break something?

1:23:20🔗 Adam It's just not, it's not functional.

1:23:23🔗 Guest Is that what it is, it's not functional?

1:23:25🔗 Guest Exactly, and I've never had an orgasm with him. And I'm like, okay, give me something to work with, you know, because I really, it's just like I'm pleasing him.

1:23:35🔗 Adam Yeah, yeah, and what, does he give you oral sex?

1:23:38🔗 Guest He does, but he'll stop, like, he'll go and then every, like, you know, two to three minutes, he'll stop and he'll just finger me.

1:23:46🔗 Guest That's because he's afraid to ejaculate.

1:23:49🔗 Adam Well, but he's not without an erection.

1:23:52🔗 Guest No erection.

1:23:56🔗 Adam All right, here's the thing, this doesn't sound like much of a relationship. You trying to...

1:24:01🔗 Guest We're casually dating.

1:24:03🔗 Guest Well, I do want to say, though, if you're at the month marker and he doesn't have, you know, you might want to...

1:24:09🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:24:09🔗 Guest Reconcern.

1:24:10🔗 Guest Yeah, I mean, because I've actually looked at his penis several times while he's giving me head and it won't be erect.

1:24:17🔗 Guest But that's not uncommon.

1:24:19🔗 Guest And I mean, even when he's, like, playing with my breast or something, I mean, they're just out there, so, I mean.

1:24:27🔗 Adam All right, listen, Pixie, let me explain something real quick.

1:24:30🔗 Guest I'm erect and I'm not even with you.

1:24:32🔗 Guest Just you describing your breast is doing a lot for all of us.

1:24:35🔗 Adam You are somebody who bases your sole worth on this planet to how seductive you can be to a man. So hooking you up with a guy that can't get a boner is like having a vegan work at a Black Angus restaurant. It's a retarded connection. It's unfortunate that you base your entire being on how many guys you can give a boner to in a weekend.

1:25:00🔗 Guest But that's- And you're soliciting the approval of a guy who spends a lot of time living with another dude talking about how gay they're not while they slap each other on the ass with their half-harmed wangs.

1:25:09🔗 Adam So go find a guy. That's right. That's right, all you guys with big wangs. That's right. Oh my goodness. You're like a huge shotgun with no bullets in it. You know what I mean? Whereas I got the derringer in my sock. But it's deadly, it's deadly, man. But at close range, you gotta be real close.

1:25:28🔗 Guest But honestly, Pixie, if you fell out of an airplane, you'd wish you had my perineum on your back.

1:25:32🔗 Adam That's right.

1:25:33🔗 Guest Because it'd slow you down.

1:25:34🔗 Adam That's right, perineum.

1:25:35🔗 Guest You could fan it out and use it as a makeshift parachute.

1:25:39🔗 Guest I actually did that in New Zealand. We got really close.

1:25:42🔗 Guest Well, remember I just laid on my stomach and you guys rode it like a slip and slide for a few hours?

1:25:48🔗 Adam They use Dax's perineum, by the way. You know at the ballpark when it rains and they gotta get the diamond? That's what they use, it's perineum.

1:25:57🔗 Guest Yeah, just fan it out. No pun intended of the ballpark.

1:26:02🔗 Adam It says, if you look at it, it says Brewer's on it if you can see it. Well, it's unfurled.

1:26:08🔗 Guest Posted a lot of advertisement on Dax's perineum.

1:26:10🔗 Guest Sometimes if I'm driving real fast down a hill, my brakes get hot, I'll just let some of it out the window. Yeah, it'll be like a sock, yeah, slow em right down.

1:26:19🔗 Adam All right, should we take a break or? We can take a break.

1:26:21🔗 Drew I'd like to take that pixie call. Yeah, we need a break. That pixie call confused me, I don't think we.

1:26:25🔗 Guest I think she was just bragging about what a hot sex pot she is.

1:26:28🔗 Adam She's screwed, she's screwy.

1:26:29🔗 Guest How old was she?

1:26:30🔗 Guest She was like, I do strip teases and everything and sometimes when he's giving me.

1:26:35🔗 Drew No, the advice not to base her whole worth and focus of her life on the male is appropriate advice. Get on with your life.

1:26:42🔗 Guest That was pretty hard hitting, Drew, though, because Adam, because I kind of wanted it to keep going and I applaud you.

1:26:48🔗 Drew For taking it off the sex track.

1:26:50🔗 Guest Yeah, because I fell into it. She was getting exactly what she wanted from me. I wanted to know where she was at.

1:26:55🔗 Adam Well, don't get me wrong. I wanted to get with some chicks. I'm saying dike it up every once in a while. I wasn't saying stop the sexuality. I was saying it turns a guy on if he sees you going down on a chick. I hope that wasn't Miss Interpreter.

1:27:06🔗 Drew Oh, no, don't worry.

1:27:07🔗 Adam That came across?

1:27:08🔗 Drew Yeah, of course.

1:27:08🔗 Adam All right, let's take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:27:16🔗 I'll tell you between the surveying the autographs, they should have brought a stenographer or something.

1:27:35🔗 Adam Stenographer. Yeah, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam Drew. Keep that down. Seth Green is here. I almost said Seth McFarlane. Dax Shepard here tonight without a paddle. Name of the new joint coming out Wednesday.

1:27:52🔗 Guest Hoppin Wednesday, August 18th, y'all, it's gonna blow up the streets for sis.

1:27:57🔗 Caller I hope you're not afraid to laugh too. You might urinate in your pants in the theater because it could happen. I hope you're looking forward to getting so turned on you punch your friend next to you in the face and then spill a bunch of popcorn on him because you're having such a good time.

1:28:10🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:28:11🔗 Caller I hope you don't hate driving home or reliving all the funny moments in this movie because it's gonna happen. And by the way, I hope you don't get distracted driving, remembering great moments because you're gonna wind up in a terrible bender on the freeway. I hope you like wrapping your Honda around a telephone pole on the way home from movies. I hope you've got driver's insurance and AAA service because you're gonna blow out all four of your tires just in the momentum and the inertia of the powerful, powerful picture. I hope you like taking a date to a movie and losing her to the three boys on the screen because that might happen. I hope you like losing your virginity on a first date because you're gonna be so inspired after this movie.

1:28:46🔗 Adam Yeah. And by the way, let me just go call, let me join in first. You could be...

1:28:51🔗 Guest You blew me out of the water on that round by the way.

1:28:53🔗 Adam You could be on Dax's perineum while you're driving home from...

1:28:55🔗 Caller I hope you like watching movies broadcast on my perineum. I will be putting a fresh coat of white paint on said perineum for outdoor screenings.

1:29:08🔗 Guest I gotta tell you, in all honesty, Dax and I worked with Matt Liller for three months and Steve Burrow, the director, and it was literally that every day. Like every day we just had a blast.

1:29:17🔗 Guest It was like they gave four eight-year-olds a bunch of money and sent them to New Zealand.

1:29:22🔗 Guest And somehow we made an actually like a pretty cohesive movie that's really funny and sweet.

1:29:26🔗 Adam What was the budget by the way?

1:29:29🔗 Guest It was about $28 million.

1:29:31🔗 Guest Yeah, a lot of that was travel and effects. Wow. And insurance, I'm sure.

1:29:36🔗 Guest Well, and then Bart the Bear. He ate up most of the budget.

1:29:39🔗 Guest Is that a real deal? He had to travel like nine different countries to get to New Zealand.

1:29:43🔗 Adam Bart the Bear has been in a few movies.

1:29:44🔗 Guest This is actually Bart Jr., the original Bart.

1:29:47🔗 Guest He's been well underground.

1:29:49🔗 Adam Oh, I see. Because, yeah, Bart, I was going to say Bart the Bear would be getting pretty old.

1:29:53🔗 Guest But he travels with an entourage. There's like six coyotes, three cougars.

1:29:57🔗 Guest All with sunglasses and lots of blanks.

1:29:59🔗 Guest I feel like that's a Paul F. Tompkins joke. Have you ever heard? Does he have a routine about Bart the Bear?

1:30:03🔗 Guest Does he? He's a funny comic though.

1:30:08🔗 Adam Yeah? You're 15? Your mom's a stripper?

1:30:14🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:30:14🔗 Adam And your dad's an alcoholic?

1:30:16🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:30:17🔗 Guest Sounds like you won the lottery.

1:30:19🔗 Adam And you want to know who to live with?

1:30:20🔗 Guest Where's my bourbon?

1:30:22🔗 Caller They said that I can choose, but I mean-

1:30:24🔗 Drew Who said you could choose? Who said that?

1:30:26🔗 Caller Oh, my parents.

1:30:28🔗 Drew Are they splitting up?

1:30:30🔗 Adam I'm saving a little while. I'm saving five. I'm a fanny pack wearing guy.

1:30:35🔗 Caller What? What'd you say?

1:30:38🔗 Adam So they're separated? And your mom is a What? What'd you say? So they're separated?

1:30:44🔗 Guest Yeah.

1:30:46🔗 Caller And I, well, the reason they're separated is because she got pregnant with another man and she lives with him right now and I really don't like him.

1:30:53🔗 Guest I'd stay away from the dude who knocked up your mom at all costs. Yeah.

1:30:56🔗 Drew How bad an alcoholic? How bad?

1:30:59🔗 Guest I mean, Hemingway was an alcoholic. I'd live with him.

1:31:01🔗 Drew How bad?

1:31:01🔗 Guest Pachowski was an alcoholic.

1:31:03🔗 Drew How bad was alcoholism, your dad?

1:31:04🔗 Caller Well, it's pretty bad.

1:31:07🔗 Drew Is he abusive when he's drinking?

1:31:10🔗 Caller No, but it's hard to deal with. My brother moved to go live with my mom, so I feel kind of alone here and stuff.

1:31:21🔗 Adam How old's your brother? I'm going to start clearing a cot for him now.

1:31:28🔗 Drew What's your stripper mom's new boyfriend do for a living?

1:31:32🔗 Caller They're both lawyers, my mom and him. Well, my mom was going to become a lawyer, but yeah.

1:31:39🔗 Drew Yeah, she's just working her way through school.

1:31:43🔗 Adam I was going to be a pirate astronaut myself. I just got sidetracked with construction. I'm going to get back to it though. Melanie? Just for kicks. You know your mom's stripper name?

1:31:55🔗 Guest No.

1:31:56🔗 Adam No, you don't?

1:31:57🔗 Guest No.

1:31:57🔗 Adam You got to get into that.

1:31:58🔗 Drew How long has she been stripping?

1:32:00🔗 Caller Um, like, the past, like, three years.

1:32:04🔗 Adam Three years?

1:32:05🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:32:05🔗 Adam Got into it late. I guess, you know, you've passed the bar a couple times.

1:32:10🔗 Guest Well, you're what? You're 15?

1:32:12🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:32:12🔗 Guest So the mom's got to be at least 22, I mean, 32, right?

1:32:17🔗 Caller Yeah. She had me when she was really young. She grew up in Guatemala.

1:32:22🔗 Guest Oh, the plot thickens. Guatemala.

1:32:24🔗 Adam Well, listen, Melanie. Yeah? Okay, let me just give you the broad strokes here. We agree better alcoholic dad than stripper mom. You cannot be the caretaker to these two idiots. And here's the other thing, too. You need to, if your dad's going to drink, your dad's going to drink. You can go to Al-Anon or Alekine or something like that. And then secondly, you just get involved with stuff at school. And please, don't get pregnant at 15 and a half like your crazy mom.

1:32:54🔗 Drew Don't be responsible for their craziness.

1:32:56🔗 Adam It's, it's, you know, do you have a grandparent?

1:32:59🔗 Caller Yeah, they live in Rolling Hills, but it's, I think you should be rolling Hills bound, baby.

1:33:05🔗 Adam How about that?

1:33:06🔗 Caller Really old.

1:33:08🔗 Guest Well, old, old safe environment.

1:33:10🔗 Adam But at least they don't wear pasties if they do. It's, you know, it's underneath the appropriate sweater.

1:33:16🔗 Drew Is this your mom's parents or your dad's? Yeah, that might be a better place.

1:33:21🔗 Guest And odds are, let me tell you what might happen because the dad may have some issues because his parents were that great. They may be all hell bent on redoing their, you know, how they screwed up with your dad and be great to you.

1:33:38🔗 Drew All right, well, there you go.

1:33:39🔗 Adam Hey, listen, Melanie, just please.

1:33:41🔗 Guest Rolling Hills, let's do it.

1:33:42🔗 Adam I'm giving this advice to everybody with horrible parents. Please understand that they're horrible people and that you shouldn't do anything they've done. I mean, here's the whole thing.

1:33:52🔗 Drew But probably you should be responsible for them.

1:33:53🔗 Adam But both, it's like, you know, her mom got pregnant at 16, so Melanie's gonna get pregnant at 16. Her dad was an alcoholic, so she might get into alcohol or drugs. Like, here's the thing, understand what F-ups your horrible parents are and then just do the opposite. Use them as a negative template.

1:34:09🔗 Guest And I think that's the single strangest thing about getting older and seeing people like your cohort starting to raise children and realizing, oh yeah, these idiots I went to school with are now having kids. You never become more qualified to do so. It's the same realization of like, wow, when I was in elementary school, my teachers were 26 years old. They were partying, they were human beings. You know, like they had crushes on each other. That realization that, wow, these kids that were all dysfunctional are now having.

1:34:38🔗 Guest There's that weird moment where you get older and you recognize that your parents are just people and they have the same fallibility that anybody else has and they're not superheroes. And you can find a great way to forgive them for being human but take your life into your own hands. Because clearly, they're not looking out for you.

1:34:55🔗 Adam And you know, what you're talking about Dax is people that are 25 and went to junior college for two years before they transferred to a four year school. We're talking about 16 year olds who are cooking up math and stuff and being parents.

1:35:07🔗 Guest Well, I'm not saying they didn't rip lines in the teacher's lounge at Spring Mills Elementary. I think they may have.

1:35:13🔗 Adam All right, let's take a break on that positive note. Well, another, how much paperwork has gone back and forth?

1:35:22🔗 Guest Lost, I feel like I'm giving a deposition.

1:35:24🔗 Drew Dax says, need a stenographer.

1:35:25🔗 Adam Are they guests on a show or are they buying your condo?

1:35:28🔗 Guest I'm actually doing both on my own. It's a great condo, it's got lots of natural light.

1:35:33🔗 Adam We'll take a quick break, we'll be right back.

1:35:35🔗 Guest All right guys, bottom line, here's the deal.

1:35:37🔗 Caller Looking to hook up, sick of wasting time with the wrong person.

1:35:41🔗 Caller One call is all you need to make.

1:35:42🔗 Caller Call the Dateline.

1:35:43🔗 Guest 877-889-DATE.

1:35:49🔗 Caller Love Lines with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:35:51🔗 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:35:57🔗 Caller This hour brought you apart by Axe. Experience the Axe Effect.

1:36:01🔗 Guest I wouldn't understand me. I'm a loner, daddy.

1:36:06🔗 Caller A rebel.

1:36:07🔗 Adam Hey everybody. Well, that's the show. Where does the time go? Dax, Seth, I'll tell you. Entertaining, energetic, involved guest. You two come back together separately anytime you like.

1:36:21🔗 Guest That'd be fun.

1:36:22🔗 Adam God bless to both of you.

1:36:23🔗 Guest Really, you could split us up and get double the show.

1:36:26🔗 Adam That's what I'm thinking. Or you guys come back together and we do a four hour show. Without a Paddles, the name of the new movie, out one week from this Wednesday on the 18th.

1:36:36🔗 Caller I hope you like getting your socks blown off.

1:36:39🔗 Guest Hope you like getting your bell rung.

1:36:42🔗 Caller Hope you got insurance on your door because it's going to be ripped off the hinges.

1:36:45🔗 Guest I don't know when the last time your clock was cleaned out.

1:36:48🔗 Adam We will take ourselves a little break and we'll be right back. Oh, no, we're going for good. Yeah, that's Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying, mahalo.

1:36:59🔗 Caller I hope you got driver's insurance and AAA service because you're going to blow out all four of your tires just in the momentum and the inertia of the powerful, powerful picture.

1:37:08🔗 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or the station. The producer for Loveline is Aningold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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