Tuesday, December 2, 2003

1:19🔗 Adam Now, let's see, I got that one test one, two tests one, two. I don't know. Do your headphones work?

1:26🔗 No.

1:26🔗 They good?

1:27🔗 A little better, maybe.

1:28🔗 Adam Is it one? No, I think that's it.

1:29🔗 That's it.

1:29🔗 Adam That's both. They got to. There's some switch. I like the idea that their switch is like, give me a scenario where I would only want one year working in my headphones.

1:42🔗 Can't think of one.

1:43🔗 Adam Do you know what I mean?

1:45🔗 I can't think of one.

1:46🔗 Adam Thank you.

1:46🔗 My point is, why do they have that?

1:48🔗 Adam I guess so. I guess that's what I'm asking.

1:50🔗 All right.

1:51🔗 Adam Let's move forward with the show, Drew.

1:52🔗 Yes, please.

1:54🔗 Adam Phone number 1-800-L-E-E-1-9-1, Dr. Drew, I'm in a room. Phone number, Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Dick's Medicine Specialist. Kathy Griffin is our guest tonight.

2:06🔗 Yeah.

2:07🔗 Adam Listen, here's the whole thing about this show. No walking in. You got to walk. No. I'm yelling at somebody else. It was a run over from last night when producer Anne came in and out 22 times in the first six minutes of the show. I swear to Christ, we do the only radio show where people stand outside the door and wait for the light to come on before they come in. It's the only way it works. I got to set some kind of rule, which is if it's emergency, fine. Junior, producer, Lauren will sit around and take her coffee orders and then leave 30 seconds before the mics get hot and then come back with a handful of mugs right when the show's on. All that stuff drives me nuts.

2:51🔗 Caller I think this may have been an emergency. We're having electrical problems.

2:53🔗 Adam Fine. Then you're excused. It spilled over from last night. Kathy Griffin, you want to heat Drew up? You want him to be louder? We're having a little technical problems here. Drew, assert yourself.

3:06🔗 Caller One, two. I didn't know it's not hot.

3:08🔗 Adam Well, pick it up, buddy. Let's go.

3:10🔗 Caller Is that better, Anderson?

3:15🔗 Adam All right. Kathy Griffin, dear, dear friend, Kathy Griffin is going to be in here in a couple of few. She's magically late, as was Macy Gray last night. And then Joel from Good Charlotte didn't show up Sunday. David Allen Grier is canceled. I was just looking at the list of the last five or six guests we've had over here. But producer Anne's mad at the world, by the way. She can't stand standing out in the parking lot waiting for the Prima Donnas. Producer Anne has a horrible, horrible technique for greeting the guest, which is showing up 15 minutes before the show starts and waiting in the parking lot for them to show up, except for they show up at 20 after. And usually by the time Anne gets fed up and heads back inside, they show up about 10 minutes after that. And then she's got to go back out and get them.

4:00🔗 Caller What else could she do? I was thinking about that. What else do you do?

4:03🔗 Adam I don't know.

4:04🔗 Caller Make the intercom system work here?

4:06🔗 Adam I don't know. But we're going to have to work something out with that because I'm just looking at the guests and Ron Livingston showed up by Cracky and he was on time. And half of Blink 182 showed up on time.

4:19🔗 Caller Right. But Travis was late.

4:20🔗 Adam Joel from Good Charlotte didn't show up. Macy Gray was late. Kathy Griffin is late. We're we're we're batting about $1.75 over the last five shows.

4:28🔗 Caller What's with your buddy Dag? I don't like him anymore.

4:30🔗 Adam Dag?

4:31🔗 Caller He canceled twice on us.

4:32🔗 Adam Let me tell you something about Dag.

4:34🔗 Caller He's a Fairweather fan.

4:36🔗 Adam Let me tell you something. He's got that crappy sitcom. They gave him three or four more lines on it. He thinks he's King Midas now. Jesus Christ. Gave him like two paragraphs of extra dialogue each week. And all of a sudden he's a big man on campus. Screw Dag. That's right, Dag. You heard me talking. And he knows, you know, because I'm down with the homies. I'm not scared to speak their language. All right. So Kathy Griffin is going to be in here and she's going to be a plug and average Joe, which has its big finale next Monday. And let's get to the phones. We say they're interesting. Michelle. Hey, 17. What's up?

5:22🔗 Do I ask my question?

5:24🔗 Caller Yeah, that'd be good.

5:24🔗 Adam That's what we're talking about.

5:28🔗 Caller Me and my like for the past week, me and my boyfriend have been like having problems with like having sex and like, OK, for example, before and like before we get into it, he is not as hard as usual. And like while we're having sex, he can't like he like feels like he's about to come like sooner than usual. And I feel that like I'm loose and like I can't like feel it as much anymore or not like anymore just for the past week.

6:02🔗 Caller I'm confused.

6:02🔗 Adam Well, look, he's soft at the beginning at the beginning and then finish.

6:07🔗 Caller He's not completely soft.

6:09🔗 Caller He's just like not really hard, softer, softer the beginning, as we said, and his.

6:16🔗 Adam You know what I hate about our stupid callers is you can't get a goddamn word out of them at the top of the show. Hey, what's up? What's your problem?

6:22🔗 Caller Huh?

6:23🔗 Adam What's going on? And then when you say something, they cut you off. Which is it?

6:27🔗 Caller We're both.

6:28🔗 Adam It's like his penis. He's soft and he comes too fast.

6:32🔗 Caller That's weird.

6:32🔗 Adam Yeah, that is weird.

6:34🔗 Caller So he is coming too fast also. Michelle. No, no, for God's sakes, this is going to be let's just go home.

6:44🔗 Adam I think we should let's cut our losses. That's a bad show. We got out of the gates. Let me tell you something.

6:49🔗 Caller No, no, let's start over now.

6:51🔗 Adam Now, see, look, this is like a race and we got tripped up getting out of the block.

6:56🔗 Caller That's what I'm saying. Let's go back to let's get back into the cage.

6:58🔗 Adam You don't just start over. You pull up lame.

7:01🔗 Caller Yeah, you pull up lame. I talk to the referee.

7:05🔗 Adam I understand. The pack is is 400 meters ahead of us. We're never going to catch him. We just run best. Next race. Next race.

7:23🔗 Caller Love Line with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

7:27🔗 Adam Now, we got to start over again because I want to hear. Again, one year.

7:30🔗 Caller Start over. Start over.

7:31🔗 Adam Wait a minute.

7:31🔗 Caller Now, it's just back into two. It's back into two again. Start over, please. Anderson, that will not start over again.

7:36🔗 Adam James went and hit something. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Dr. Drew, Board Certified Physician, Addiction Medicine Specialist, Loveline.

7:57🔗 Caller Oh, man, and you want the temperatures outside?

7:59🔗 Adam The 63 degrees.

8:00🔗 Caller Yes, it is. How about that?

8:01🔗 Adam Look out for brake lights on the 405. All right. Kathy Griffin is our guest.

8:06🔗 Caller No, really? I'm looking forward to that.

8:08🔗 Adam You heard her?

8:08🔗 Yeah, I've heard of her.

8:10🔗 Adam Dear, dear friend.

8:11🔗 Caller Down to dear, dear friend?

8:13🔗 Adam Well, each minute she's late, I subtract the deer.

8:17🔗 Caller Wow.

8:17🔗 Adam She invited me to her Christmas party this weekend. You got invited as well?

8:22🔗 Caller Yeah.

8:22🔗 Adam She's at the.

8:23🔗 Caller You're going? We're going, yeah.

8:24🔗 Adam These are good times. Maybe we'll be late. What do you think of that?

8:28🔗 Caller Maybe we won't dress fancy the way she wants us to.

8:31🔗 Adam Kathy's making everyone dress up in a gown and a tuxedo. It gets really angry if you don't.

8:37🔗 Caller Oh, her invitation says.

8:39🔗 Adam Yeah. I find that intrusive. Here she is, everybody. Kathy Griffin. That's all right, baby doll. Sit down.

8:47🔗 Drew I heard you and comparing me to Macy Gray and David Allen career. And I don't want to be thought of as being late and rude like they are.

8:55🔗 Adam Yeah, they're bad people.

8:56🔗 Drew But I'm a little bad and I apologize profusely. I am definitely late. I was watching The Simple Life on TiVo and I couldn't hear myself away until I found out if Paris is going to be OK.

9:07🔗 Adam Well, as long as you're watching something on TiVo.

9:09🔗 Drew Oh, yeah.

9:11🔗 Adam We thought it was something like an accident or polio or something.

9:14🔗 Drew No, I was just watching TiVo.

9:15🔗 Adam All right. How was The Simple Life?

9:17🔗 Drew It was OK. But, you know, it's hard. Those girls are very aware of their own images.

9:21🔗 Adam Yeah.

9:22🔗 Drew You know, and also compared to the sex tape.

9:24🔗 Adam Yeah.

9:25🔗 Drew So she goes to a farm.

9:26🔗 Caller She saw the sex tape, too.

9:28🔗 Drew No, but I did see the Jessica Lynch rescue tape, but I hear it's totally the same. As you know, they're both in that green night vision. So it's same diff, but at least on The Simple Life, I hope she like bangs one of the sheep or we see something that can at least compare to the sex tape.

9:43🔗 Adam How long are they supposed to be on the farm?

9:46🔗 Drew I think it's five weeks.

9:48🔗 Adam I see.

9:48🔗 Drew Oh, and by the way, I did meet Nikki last week. Nikki Hilton, Nikki Hilton and I met and I spent some time talking to her. And she is not that smart, but she loves to talk about shoes.

10:04🔗 Adam Oh, well, that makes up for it.

10:06🔗 Drew She likes to talk about shoes and designer labels. And she has that brand new cell phone that Nokia makes. That's also like a radio or something. And she doesn't like it. She's going to go back to her flip phone. So those are the type of things you talk to Nikki about. Chanel shoes, which phone are you going to get? And she plays with her hair a lot.

10:25🔗 Adam I couldn't unless I was receiving oral from her, I couldn't tolerate her.

10:29🔗 Drew No, I would have to kill her. I think she has to be banging you or else you're out. Yeah, because there's no conversation or fun or.

10:37🔗 Adam Yeah.

10:38🔗 Caller Kathy, feel that way too about her.

10:40🔗 Drew Unless I'm banging her, I'm out of the room.

10:44🔗 Adam Last time Kathy was on here, she was talking about her free plastic surgery, which she did some trade out for something like that.

10:50🔗 Drew I traded out.

10:50🔗 Adam It's settled in nicely, by the way.

10:52🔗 Drew Well, I resent that Stryker said he liked the way I looked before. I really think I look almost exactly the same. It's not a major difference, right?

10:59🔗 Caller No, not major.

11:00🔗 Adam It's you only better.

11:00🔗 Drew I mean, you'd know me if you saw me on the street.

11:02🔗 Caller You saw me. I didn't quite know what he was talking about.

11:05🔗 Drew Yes.

11:06🔗 Adam Yeah.

11:06🔗 Caller Well, I think it's the idea he doesn't like. He doesn't like that you felt you had to do it.

11:11🔗 Drew And yet all guys like fake boobs. I think that's interesting. No, there's a little back left. And now the backlash is for what? Just all plastic surgery or what?

11:21🔗 Adam There's a backlash against the fake boobs.

11:23🔗 Drew I think.

11:24🔗 Adam Yes. Well, here's the whole thing.

11:26🔗 Drew That is my dream come true.

11:28🔗 Adam Oh, no, it's happening.

11:29🔗 Drew Really?

11:30🔗 Adam It's on. Yeah.

11:31🔗 Drew So mushy droopies are back.

11:33🔗 Adam They never went out of style at the Corolla house.

11:36🔗 Drew All right.

11:38🔗 Adam I'm a big areola man.

11:39🔗 Drew Can we can we cut to the chase right away? Are you guys both in for the Christmas party on Saturday?

11:43🔗 Adam Yes.

11:43🔗 Caller I've sent you. I responded.

11:45🔗 Drew You know, you know, Us Weekly is covering it.

11:47🔗 Adam I definitely got a trade out on a cake.

11:50🔗 Drew Look, Adam.

11:51🔗 Adam What? Seriously? I went to her wedding. She traded her wedding out.

11:55🔗 Drew People.

11:56🔗 Adam People did her wedding.

11:57🔗 Drew And ET. And ET did my wedding. Let me tell you something. Let's be honest. All right. Why do you think Brooke Shields had that kid? So in style would cover it. Who are we kidding? Drew, I can't believe you had kids for nothing.

12:08🔗 Adam Yeah, Drew.

12:09🔗 Drew I didn't know.

12:09🔗 Caller I didn't understand the gig. I don't know. Sad, isn't it?

12:14🔗 Drew Psychology today? Nobody covered the birth of your children. Well, that is really sad.

12:20🔗 Adam He could have really cashed in.

12:22🔗 Drew It could have been an Oprah, at least.

12:24🔗 Adam No.

12:25🔗 Drew Did you ever become suicidal or postpartum, like where you want to kill the kids?

12:29🔗 Caller No. No.

12:30🔗 Drew That's the key. You have to go on Oprah and say you wanted to kill those kids. You want to go in the crib one night and strangle them.

12:36🔗 Adam Yeah. Yeah. And then you do that thing where you found yourself standing in front of the crib with an iron skillet and then you dropped it and you woke up the next morning and that's when you knew you needed help. At some point, you got to know you needed help. Right.

12:49🔗 Drew And you get help from the Angel Network.

12:51🔗 Adam Right.

12:51🔗 Drew Yes.

12:52🔗 Caller Oh, nice.

12:53🔗 Adam So Kathy, what time is your party, by the way?

12:55🔗 Drew The party is five o'clock to nine o'clock.

12:57🔗 Caller It's early.

12:57🔗 Five to nine. Five to nine.

12:58🔗 Caller And then you've got Sarah Sillman.

12:59🔗 Drew And then Sarah Sillman's birthday party is at nine. So we worked it all out nicely. Wow. Now you know, boys, it's black tie.

13:04🔗 Adam Black tie.

13:05🔗 Caller Yeah.

13:05🔗 Adam That's what we hear.

13:06🔗 Caller Her invitation says, I'm not F-ing S-ing you.

13:08🔗 Drew That's right.

13:08🔗 Caller You must wear black.

13:09🔗 Drew Right. And you know, there's a charity tie-in where you have to bring an unwrapped toy for Toys for Tots. Not that it's a photo op. I really care about the kids. You know, the ones I like.

13:18🔗 Adam I like the ones where you bring the canned food. You just bring a dented can of garbanzo beans that you weren't going to eat anyway.

13:23🔗 Drew You have to bring a nice toy for needy children wherever. I don't know where they are. I haven't met anybody.

13:28🔗 Adam And no pre-wrapped. No, they can't be pre-wrapped.

13:31🔗 Drew And there's going to be two Marines there from Toys for Tots, which my gays are going to love. Because you know, Carson is coming from Queer Eye. And I found out today Shannon Elizabeth is going to come.

13:42🔗 Adam She's huge.

13:42🔗 Drew And Lauren Graham from the Gilmore Girls.

13:44🔗 Adam Big fan.

13:45🔗 Drew And these are all people that, not that I know necessarily.

13:48🔗 Adam Is Brooke going to be there?

13:49🔗 Drew Brooke may or may not come. She's actually wrapping a television movie that day. So she says if she gets out in time, she'll be there. But you know, she's a staple. Brooke is a staple at the parties. Cameron Mannheim, Andy Dick. So you can count on your regs.

14:01🔗 Adam What about what about Margaret Cho? She's going to corner me on the balcony and yes, she's not still sober, is she?

14:07🔗 Drew She's married, Adam.

14:09🔗 Adam To a chick.

14:10🔗 Drew No, really?

14:11🔗 Adam She's married to a dude.

14:13🔗 Drew She's not married in a same sex union to a chick. Oh, really? She married a dude.

14:16🔗 Adam Well, color me shocked.

14:18🔗 Drew Well, all right.

14:19🔗 Adam She's sober.

14:19🔗 Drew I believe she's sober. Yes.

14:21🔗 Adam She's off the sockie or whatever.

14:23🔗 Drew But you know, Andy is supposedly sober, too.

14:26🔗 Adam Andy's not sober.

14:27🔗 Drew I can't tell the difference.

14:28🔗 Adam No, he's not sober. Look at Drew. Look at the puss on Drew's face.

14:31🔗 Drew I just saw him last weekend and I was really I really went. I had my face close to his mouth because I wanted to smell the booze and I couldn't smell it.

14:37🔗 Adam I'll tell you what I smelled on him. The semen of a 13 year old.

14:40🔗 Drew Now, he is going to get it's true. You know what?

14:42🔗 Adam It's true.

14:43🔗 Drew He confronted me when I made jokes like that.

14:45🔗 Adam It's true.

14:46🔗 Drew Because they're true. And so I want him to confront you as well.

14:48🔗 Adam Good.

14:49🔗 Drew And you know, my parents will be there, Adam. And you know how much they love you.

14:52🔗 Adam I do like them.

14:53🔗 Drew They do. They live. I bought a Macondo in West Hollywood. They love living in the gay community. They feel it's cleaner.

14:59🔗 Adam Well, they know you're the queen. You're the queen of the gays.

15:03🔗 Drew They love the gays as well.

15:04🔗 Adam Yeah, that's our legion.

15:06🔗 Drew Guess what I meant last week. Your listeners are going to be so excited. Liza Minnelli. Oh, wow. Thank you.

15:13🔗 Adam How?

15:14🔗 Drew Are you green with envy?

15:15🔗 Adam Yeah. How'd you do that?

15:18🔗 Drew Because I was a presenter at The Big and 03.

15:20🔗 Adam Oh, yeah.

15:21🔗 Drew And I walked in and I see Liza Freak and Minnelli.

15:23🔗 Caller The Big What?

15:24🔗 Drew Adam, The Big and 03 Awards. Adam, how many times have you and I talked over the years saying, Oh my God, what would you do if you met Liza Minnelli? I know exactly.

15:34🔗 Adam Well, we, Kathy and I would do that Liza with a Z, not Lisa with an S song over the speakerphone to each other all the time.

15:44🔗 Caller Yes.

15:44🔗 Adam Wow, that's huge.

15:45🔗 Drew And you can't tell if she's on drugs or not, because she's kind of always the same. So I couldn't tell.

15:49🔗 Adam I cannot believe her relationship with David Guest did not work out. Boy, that is a shocker of the year.

15:56🔗 Drew I feel like that. What do I believe in at that point? Shocking.

15:59🔗 Caller You know what I mean? Such a tribute in front of God and everybody.

16:03🔗 Adam I guess a man with that much passion couldn't just confine himself to one woman. I think that may have been the problem.

16:11🔗 Drew Right. Plus he's at the salon getting his eyebrows tweezed. I mean sculpted. Sculpted.

16:16🔗 Adam Listen, should a guy look like Agnes Morehead?

16:19🔗 Drew No. No. Unless you're in a same sex union with Merv Griffin. Right. Then it's fine.

16:24🔗 Adam All right. Hey, Kathy Griffin's show Average Joe, which I saw commercials off the wazoo for tonight, is going to do the big two hour finale next Monday. And there's some twists in this road.

16:37🔗 Drew Oh, are there?

16:38🔗 Adam Oh, the average Joe thought was average. Turns out has a couple of bucks in the bank.

16:43🔗 Drew Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

16:45🔗 Adam And there's the hunky guy. And then was it tonight? What was it? Where's the one she pulled the mask on?

16:51🔗 Drew Yeah, they put her in a fat suit, which I confess, I didn't think would fool anyone. Those four guys who had been six inches away from her, sat there across from her in that fat suit, didn't know her.

17:02🔗 Caller Really?

17:02🔗 Adam She was in a fat suit. And then they were talking about her.

17:05🔗 Drew Yeah. You know, big, big, big, and all that stuff. Because she was playing her fat cousin. And so then the guys all met her fat cousin and then they went into a room. And then they were saying disgusting things about her and fat girls in general. Because, you know, they're all so gorgeous themselves.

17:21🔗 Adam Well, that's the beauty about being a guy. I like it when fat guys make fun of fat chicks. I like when a 400 pound dude makes fun of a 180 pound chick.

17:30🔗 Drew Yeah. Oh yeah, there's one guy in the show. He got the axe kind of early on, but he's a very extremely large guy, right? And he was saying that he could never go out with a girl if he couldn't put his hands around her waist. Now, this guy is at least 340 pounds, at least. And yet that's one of his rules for a lady. He's got to be able to put his hands around her waist.

17:47🔗 Adam It's really, it's the beauty of guys. Like I said, the beauty of guys is it's not a 210 pound guy making fun of a 190 pound girl. It's a 400 plus guy making fun of like a 155 girl.

18:01🔗 Caller That's man.

18:03🔗 Adam Yeah, it's a good deal when you're a guy. All right. But it's all evens out by us dying seven, eight years earlier.

18:10🔗 Drew Oh, thank God.

18:10🔗 Adam John?

18:12🔗 Oh, yeah, I'm here.

18:13🔗 Adam You're 20?

18:14🔗 Caller Yeah, I'm 20 years old.

18:16🔗 Adam What's up?

18:17🔗 Caller Well, so I'll give you the scenario. My partner, Kayla, her and I were.

18:26🔗 Adam Yeah, we got to drop her name.

18:27🔗 Caller Yeah, immediately.

18:30🔗 Drew But the odd thing is partners like their same sex, like maybe Kayla's a drag queen.

18:33🔗 Caller No, people don't use names.

18:35🔗 Adam And he was just stupid. Billy?

18:41🔗 Yeah.

18:42🔗 Adam You're 19?

18:43🔗 Caller Yeah.

18:43🔗 Adam Your gay lover has a 15 year old girlfriend.

18:47🔗 Caller Yeah.

18:48🔗 Caller And?

18:50🔗 Caller Well, I, he, I guess he'd say he's still in the closet or, I mean, he doesn't mind doing stuff with other guys as long as it's like nobody can find out.

19:08🔗 Caller Other guys in addition to you?

19:10🔗 Caller Well, he lost his virginity to a stepdad at, I think it was like 13 or 14.

19:17🔗 Caller Yeah. That wouldn't be losing one's virginity.

19:18🔗 Caller Yeah.

19:18🔗 Drew That would be kind of, you're kind of coloring it a little nicer than it was.

19:21🔗 Caller That would be sexual abuse and probably something. At the hands of a parent.

19:26🔗 Adam Did he lose his behind man?

19:29🔗 Caller Uh, I don't think that happened until later.

19:32🔗 Caller So Billy, so by definition, he's going to have some real serious problems in relationships.

19:36🔗 Caller Well, that's what, that was my question because every time he dates a girl, they seem to get younger and younger and younger.

19:44🔗 Caller Well, people who were sexually abused in their childhood will often be preoccupied with very young people and they tend to be sexual abusers themselves, but 60% of the time they can be. So it's a serious situation here you're dealing with.

19:57🔗 Caller I mean, should I, should I tell somebody?

20:02🔗 Caller Uh, if he 19, what do I do?

20:03🔗 Caller I mean, cause that's like when, when he's not with a female, everything is great with us.

20:10🔗 Adam Hey, Billy, Billy, Billy, hold on a second, you're 19 and you're gay? Cause, hold on a second, Billy sounds like he works at the mill from Little House on the Prairie, you know, like, like 150 years ago, he worked at a mill.

20:29🔗 Caller Yes, yeah.

20:29🔗 Adam He was sawing lumber.

20:31🔗 Caller No, I imagine him in a barn now, like putting a tractor away.

20:34🔗 Adam Yeah.

20:34🔗 Caller Right while he's talking to us.

20:36🔗 At a barn?

20:36🔗 Caller Barn.

20:37🔗 Oh, barn.

20:38🔗 Adam Yeah. That's more where a tractor would go. He doesn't sound like 19 and gay, does he? No.

20:43🔗 Caller But.

20:45🔗 Adam See, this is one of the gays that couldn't hang out with Kathy.

20:49🔗 Caller Cause he's real. He's what? Cause why?

20:51🔗 Drew He doesn't sound fabulous. He doesn't have an element of fabulousness.

20:55🔗 Caller Yeah.

20:56🔗 Caller I'm not very feminine.

20:58🔗 Adam No, but you're not fabulous either.

20:59🔗 Caller In Oklahoma, I mean, it's better, you're better off if less people know the better off you are.

21:06🔗 Caller Oh, fair enough.

21:06🔗 Drew I understand.

21:07🔗 Adam Makes sense. You're not celebrated like you are over here.

21:10🔗 Caller But it sounds like your boyfriend has got some very serious problems. And maybe the thing to do is get him to some treatment before he acts out on people in a way that becomes dangerous or really sinister.

21:24🔗 Caller I mean, it's just I just don't understand, because I mean, like, Billy, you're not you're 19.

21:29🔗 Caller You shouldn't understand. Just just here's the fact there's one of a parent sexually abused a child that screws everything up unless they have treatment.

21:36🔗 Adam This is a bogus element of this call, by the way, because it keeps saying, well, I don't understand what to do. Which always means bogus for me. Billy, what do you do for a living?

21:47🔗 Caller I go to school and I help out on the farm.

21:51🔗 Adam All right. What kind of stuff do you do on the farm?

21:56🔗 Caller We plow, plant.

22:00🔗 Caller All right. What do you grow?

22:02🔗 Caller Corn.

22:03🔗 Adam How long does it take from the time you put it in the ground to the time you can harvest it?

22:09🔗 Caller If you got good rain, not too hot.

22:12🔗 Adam All right. That's all I needed to hear. When I heard good rain, I knew what he was talking about because usually our line.

22:20🔗 Caller Andy's a little bored by it too. You don't know?

22:23🔗 Adam Do we have to go through this again?

22:24🔗 Drew We just got to walk you through it again.

22:26🔗 Adam I just got done explaining to another local host how this works. You know what's great too is you see the line, the people that are lying, they go like, how long does it take from time to put it in the ground to time you harvest it? Huh?

22:38🔗 Caller Yeah.

22:39🔗 Adam That's the time.

22:40🔗 Caller The last question. Time to harvest? Here's how to grow the...

22:44🔗 Adam Here's how it retards by time. Huh? And then a slow repeat of the last four words of the sentence. Time to harvest corn? That's how you do it. Meanwhile, it's like, my gears don't turn that fast, so if I can flap my mouth a little bit, I can get a couple extra revelations.

23:01🔗 Caller They'll blurt out some crazy number. Four weeks. No, no. But they'll not be able to... On the follow up, we'll give you this...

23:08🔗 Adam No. Sorry, Drew. They'll never do that because if they would, you'd go in with it.

23:12🔗 Caller Yeah, but then you go four weeks, really.

23:14🔗 Adam No, no. They can't do that. It's a slow repeat.

23:18🔗 Drew Adam, you're very disagreeable. You are not remembering your improv roots.

23:21🔗 Adam No.

23:22🔗 Drew Yes and.

23:23🔗 Adam Yes and. Yeah, I know.

23:25🔗 Drew But that doesn't... In the world of improv, you're a no-but.

23:29🔗 Adam Yeah. You want to be a yes and.

23:31🔗 Drew Yeah.

23:32🔗 Adam I just can't...

23:32🔗 Drew Do you guys ever do freeze tag together?

23:34🔗 Adam We should. We should do some freeze tag.

23:36🔗 Drew You do? Any trust exercises? Do you ever try to imagine making a giant ball out of foil to you?

23:41🔗 Caller He was always screaming at me about the not only that, but.

23:45🔗 Drew Oh.

23:45🔗 Adam No, but let me just explain something. The reason, and I try to do... Kathy and I met doing improv many, many.

23:52🔗 Drew Those are our roots. Improv and copy.

23:53🔗 Adam Many years ago. I think I've known Kathy for 15 years easily. And we met at the Grand Links many, many years ago. But and there's rules. And you shouldn't deny, like I just did to Drew over there. Except for they never do shout something out immediately. It's always a slow what and buying time thing. And that's why I had to shut you down, buddy. All right. Kathy Griffin here. Dear, dear friend, Kathy Griffin is here. We'll be going to her Christmas party come Saturday.

24:22🔗 Drew Can you please please go on my website, kathygriffin.net.

24:26🔗 Adam Really?

24:26🔗 Drew No one ever goes to my website. What for? There's a picture of me. Sounds like fun.

24:33🔗 Adam Yeah, for more than that, baby. You could come on the video. You should come. You should do one of those videos. You and Marilyn Manson.

24:45🔗 Drew A sex video. And it accidentally gets out.

24:48🔗 Adam Yeah.

24:49🔗 Drew Oh, no.

24:49🔗 Adam Yeah. Obviously it gets out. That's good.

24:53🔗 Drew But you have to act like it's an accident. You can't just do one and try to sell it. No. I have to. Once again, I'm back on Oprah. You're right. I'm crying. Maybe I talk to Regis and Kelly. I hold Kelly's hand. I say things like, I'm not that person that you see on the tape. Stuff like that.

25:07🔗 Adam I'll tell you, it's funny. Gina Lee Nolan's got one, a sex tape that's coming out in a couple of weeks, allegedly.

25:13🔗 Drew And who is she sleeping with?

25:14🔗 Adam It was her husband or something. The funny thing about these tapes is I'm always sort of like, this is an invasion of privacy and I'm against these scums who profit off this. And Gina Lee Nolan's coming out, oh, this is great. This is going to be great. I'm going to love.

25:27🔗 Caller That's the way you're going to watch?

25:28🔗 Adam I'm going to beat myself a river when I see that. I love her. She is hot.

25:33🔗 Caller Where is she from?

25:33🔗 Adam She's from Baywatch. She's hot. OK, but here's my point. You've got to come out with one of those.

25:39🔗 Drew But I have to have the appropriate partner.

25:40🔗 Adam I'm telling you. No, no, Chris. Who did I say?

25:45🔗 Drew You said Marilyn Manson.

25:46🔗 Adam Marilyn Manson. That's going to work. That'll be good. All right. Kathy Griffin here. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hello. Hey, everybody, it's Loveline and Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Dear, dear, dear friend, Kathy Griffin is in here tonight. Tori Amis in here tomorrow night. And look out.

26:17🔗 Drew I have a question. Now, I'm a huge fan of her music, but I can't stand to watch her perform because she's so bizarre with the piano and she's kind of sexual with her piano. And what is she like when you just talk to her? Is she normal or is she artsy?

26:30🔗 Adam She tried to, she humps my leg the whole time we talk about, she just rubs on it like a horny four-year-old.

26:35🔗 Caller Give us that angel dust.

26:36🔗 These are those gold dust moments.

26:39🔗 Drew Yeah, I believe she's in a very, pick up the pace on your on the radio.

26:43🔗 Adam Well, she had a quail in a bottle of absinthe, which is, do people still make quail?

26:49🔗 Drew Can you get a quail?

26:50🔗 Adam I'm dying to get a quail. People are like, you know, here's the whole thing about like quail. Is the people are like, hey, don't take quail. Those are bad. It's like it's like a six pack and a pill. Really? That sounds that sounds delightful to me.

27:04🔗 Drew Well, how come they were everywhere in the 70s and now you can't get a quail?

27:07🔗 Adam The man like Drew cut everyone off and now we can't get any.

27:10🔗 Drew Is it a designer drug or is it an actual prescription drug?

27:13🔗 Caller It's a prescription drug. I had an agenda. I want to get rid of that.

27:16🔗 Drew Congratulations.

27:17🔗 Adam So give me some Valium and some Ludes, would you? That's what I want. I want to just be able to say some day I took a handful of Ludes and I didn't care.

27:26🔗 Caller People there were a lot of people that really liked that drug. Addicts that missed that one.

27:31🔗 Drew And what is it? Is it a downer?

27:33🔗 Caller Yeah.

27:33🔗 Drew Yeah. So it gives you brain damage?

27:35🔗 Caller No.

27:36🔗 Adam One, one.

27:36🔗 Drew There's got to be something bad about it.

27:38🔗 Caller It's just profoundly abused and it's not nearly as bad.

27:40🔗 Adam It wasn't that addictive, was it?

27:41🔗 Caller Yeah.

27:41🔗 Adam Addicting, was it?

27:42🔗 Caller It was. It just didn't have a real good therapeutic use and it was very addictive.

27:45🔗 Adam What was it for? Anti-anxiety drug or something?

27:48🔗 Caller I think it was.

27:49🔗 Adam Like if you were going to fly and you were scared to fly, would you take a Kweylude?

27:53🔗 Caller One of the originals.

27:54🔗 Drew What is Rohipno really for?

27:56🔗 Adam It's for having sex with people that don't want you to have sex with them.

27:59🔗 Caller It's for sleep. You don't know what the hell went on.

28:01🔗 Drew It's for sleep. Doesn't it make you totally blacked out and you can't feel it?

28:04🔗 Caller That's what a sleep state is.

28:05🔗 Yeah.

28:05🔗 Drew But if you take a somnit, you know if somebody was raping you.

28:08🔗 Caller But if you take a Xanax, you take a Halcyon, people sometimes forget what's going on.

28:13🔗 Oh my God.

28:15🔗 Adam Ambient will erase.

28:16🔗 Drew Oh come on. I'll take an ambient on the plane. Nobody's raping me.

28:18🔗 Adam But ambient will shake your at you sketch just a little bit. You'll not really know what happened.

28:23🔗 Caller What would happen. Time will be compressed and stuff. It's more of that.

28:26🔗 Adam Drew, give me some of those, would you?

28:27🔗 Caller Which?

28:28🔗 Adam All those things you said.

28:30🔗 Drew They all sound good.

28:30🔗 Adam I don't want you to put them all. I want you to make a smoothie for me.

28:33🔗 Drew Adam, I'm going to be honest. If you I don't think you should take a real hip null and you should be near Andy Dick at my Christmas party. That's the one time you shouldn't be experimenting with anything.

28:42🔗 Adam Gang bang by Margaret Cho and Andy Dick at the party. Then I sue Kathy and I sue people and the Marine Corps. Us Weekly. Everyone is there. Everybody who is there. And here's what I say. I keep explaining to everyone it's not about the money. It's so this doesn't happen to another C-list celebrity. But by the way, I need 18 million dollars. All right. Kathy Griffin here. Average Joe, everybody. Monday Nights. The big finale is coming up this Monday.

29:14🔗 Drew And also, please visit Kathy Griffin dot net.

29:16🔗 Adam Please.

29:17🔗 Drew There's a lot of excitement.

29:18🔗 Adam There's a picture of her for Christ's sake.

29:20🔗 Drew I think it might have like upcoming appearances or something.

29:23🔗 Adam You get that you get that Marilyn Manson sex video released. You got some Kathy Griffin buzz, believe you me. You got some KGB. Oh, Kathy Griffin buzz.

29:36🔗 Drew Oh, yeah.

29:37🔗 Adam You tell your publicist tomorrow. We got to get a little KGB going.

29:40🔗 Drew That's right.

29:41🔗 Adam Two thousand.

29:41🔗 Drew Let's tear down the Iron Curtain, shall we?

29:44🔗 Adam Heather.

29:46🔗 Caller How are you guys doing?

29:47🔗 Adam Twenty two. What's up?

29:48🔗 Caller Hey, Kathy, I love you on the mall, by the way.

29:50🔗 Drew Thank you.

29:56🔗 Caller I have been having a little bit of anal bleeding and I know that, you know, if you have sex back there every once in a while, that might happen. But I'm also curious, you know, I drink a little bit after I get off work, if it might have anything to do with that as well.

30:10🔗 Caller Alcoholics get more hemorrhoids, but mostly when they're well on in their disease.

30:15🔗 Caller Yeah, I'm definitely not over the top.

30:18🔗 Caller And you may just be prone to hemorrhoids. That may just be you.

30:20🔗 Adam How do you know it's a hemorrhoid?

30:22🔗 Caller Well, that's the other problem is that 22 rectal bleeding really is pretty much always a hemorrhoid, unless there's some inflammation.

30:30🔗 Adam You've been getting nailed in the cornhole there. Yeah.

30:34🔗 Drew Are you spotting or is it like a geyser?

30:37🔗 Caller No, it's more than spotting.

30:39🔗 Caller More than spotting?

30:40🔗 Caller Yeah.

30:41🔗 Caller Well, more than spotting needs to be investigated.

30:43🔗 OK.

30:44🔗 Adam You know, if you do a little vigorous wiping, though, you'll get a little something down there, too. I know. That's how I know I'm clean.

30:50🔗 Oh, OK.

30:51🔗 Adam The brown goes away and the red starts. That's how I know I'm clean. That's how I know it's good for the drawers to come back up. That's a check.

30:59🔗 Caller No, 22-year-olds usually don't have cancer, polyps, the kinds of things we worry about in 40, 50, 60-year-olds.

31:03🔗 OK, but go get it checked out.

31:05🔗 Caller Yeah, something needs to be checked out.

31:06🔗 Adam Hey, Drew, what about this virtual colonoscopy that's going on?

31:10🔗 Caller Yeah, I just heard you say that. I cannot believe it's as effective as a Well, how does it work?... recognization. How does it work? It's a reconstruction. It's a three-dimensional reconstruction of the colon from CAT scans. As opposed to going in there inflating the colon and actually looking at the lining.

31:23🔗 Adam So they catch you from the side?

31:26🔗 Caller No.

31:26🔗 Adam I mean, they get it from the outside, from the outside, a CAT scan. There's no probing.

31:30🔗 Drew Do they put anything up your butt?

31:32🔗 Caller I don't think so. They may put some dye or something, but then nothing.

31:35🔗 Adam No.

31:36🔗 Caller In the dye, they might......like a scope.

31:38🔗 Adam Yeah.

31:39🔗 Caller Scopes aren't that bad.

31:40🔗 Adam How bad? You had the scope.

31:41🔗 Drew How many feet?

31:42🔗 Adam You said there's about six foot of scope.

31:43🔗 Caller Nine feet.

31:45🔗 Adam Nine feet. Let me explain something, everybody. The ceiling height in a house is eight foot. So add a foot to that. You're almost at NBA rim height. That's a lot of...

31:59🔗 Drew That's Kobe.

31:59🔗 Adam Let me tell you my policy. Nothing taller or longer than me goes up my ass. You see, if I'm six two, that's my cutoff. Because I don't want it coming out of the crown of my head. You know what I'm saying?

32:12🔗 Caller It's actually about six feet, but it actually goes in.

32:14🔗 Adam About six foot goes in? Yeah, and the guy leaves the other three foot is just on there for the big colons or how does that work?

32:20🔗 Caller Right, versus the shack in size.

32:22🔗 Adam Truck mounted unit or this guy got a mobile one?

32:25🔗 Drew Does it have a camera at the end of it?

32:26🔗 Caller It's fiber optics. You're looking through like it looks like a microscope. Yeah. Or you can now they put it up on TV screen. You just watch it.

32:33🔗 Drew My dad gets those all the time and he watches them.

32:34🔗 Caller Yeah.

32:35🔗 Drew He always wants to turn the monitor around. Yeah, he's into it.

32:38🔗 Adam Yeah, see, that's a weird one.

32:39🔗 Drew Yeah.

32:40🔗 Adam And if you fart, does the guy's hair move? Who's looking at it? That'd be funny.

32:43🔗 Drew Does a little brown bomb cloud come out like a cartoon?

32:46🔗 Adam All right, it's time to play Germany or Florida. Now, I don't know if Kathy knows this game. It's one of the hottest games on radio. We discovered it over at Jimmy Kimmel Live, but since he won't do it on his show, we'll do it on this show, which is all bizarre atrocities come either out of Germany or Florida.

33:05🔗 Drew Or to German tourists in Florida.

33:07🔗 Adam That happens on occasion, too. But that's usually just a straight killing or hijacking.

33:11🔗 Drew Yeah, shooting, right.

33:12🔗 Adam We're talking about teaching your dog to howl. You know, that kind of stuff. It's either Germany or Florida. OK, so here's our theme song, sung by Pink. And here's how it works. They say the thing we guess, Germany or Florida. We're about 96 percent easy. Nathan, hi there. What's the story?

33:35🔗 Caller OK, a 53 year old man was posing nude in front of his camera on top of a stone wall and then was found dead after falling 16 feet to the ground below. Germany or Florida?

33:48🔗 Drew Germany.

33:49🔗 Caller Florida.

33:50🔗 Adam Wow, this is tough. I know that in Florida, they do a lot of crazy things. I also know that they believe that the camera steals your soul.

33:58🔗 Caller That's true. Well, Germans believe that too, though.

33:59🔗 Adam No, Germans are smarter than that. Kathy says Germany. This feels German to me. The stone wall feels German to me. We're going Germany.

34:11🔗 Caller And Germany is correct.

34:12🔗 Adam That's how you play Germany or Florida, everybody.

34:21🔗 Drew When did Pink record that?

34:22🔗 Adam She did that about three weeks ago.

34:25🔗 Drew She was here last week?

34:26🔗 Adam Yeah, she was.

34:27🔗 Drew How was Pink? Was she cranky or in a good mood? Good.

34:29🔗 Adam Big laugher. Jovial.

34:32🔗 Caller She gets cranky?

34:33🔗 Drew She can be cranky.

34:34🔗 Adam Yeah. Well, she's a spark plug.

34:36🔗 Drew I had a very good experience with Pink one time. We did an MTV thing together and spent the day together and she was delightful. And then I saw her about a year or two later and she was much more famous and she was offended by something. She felt I was rude to her. Here's what it was. So it was backstage at Billboards. I can't remember if it was the year you and I did it together, but it was the year that I did a skit with Britney and Justin. And I was rehearsing with Britney and Justin, which is so much fun. But anyway, then Pink came up and she said hi to Britney and they hugged or something. And then later on, I found out through her publicist that she felt I was rude to her at that moment. And all I remembered was I was talking to Britney and Justin, then Pink came up and I said hello to her and she hugged Britney and then walked away. But then somebody from Billboards wanted me to call her and apologize. And then I heard a story that she was really furious in her room and wouldn't come out, which I think that part is a gay lie. And then someone actually put me on the phone with her publicist and I didn't want to apologize because I knew nothing weird happened. But I did see her then at The Tonight Show about a year later and I thought she was a little cold. Yeah.

35:44🔗 Adam It's hard to tell with this town and the faggity pariah publicists who seem to come.

35:50🔗 Drew You know the difference between a lie and a gay lie. Like there's regular straight people lie. Like straight people say, you know, my mom dated Elvis. So it's a straight lie. But gay lies have to have that element of fagginess. And it's something like I have a friend who works at a plastic surgeon's office in New York and they know that one day Cher came in and she's had so much faced work that her skull is poking out for her skin now. And then all the other gays in the room will go to the mat arguing with me that this is true. Like I'll be like, no, no, no, you can't. What do you mean? It's true. Her skull was actually poking out of her skin. It was so tight. Well, this is well, I think that would lead to infection. Now, Drew, you're a doctor.

36:32🔗 Caller You can't have a skull out your skin.

36:33🔗 Drew Thank you.

36:33🔗 Adam This is this is well, listen, gays are chicks with sacks. I mean, what do you mean?

36:39🔗 Drew Also, it's very popular for the gays to they like to make everyone gay. And one of my favorites is, girl, do not even act like you don't know that Miss George Bush is gay.

36:48🔗 Adam Yeah.

36:48🔗 Drew You know, there's a lot of that. Oh, please, girl, don't be naive. And believe you me, we have a gay president. Deal with it.

36:54🔗 Adam You know, it's like if you're gay, somehow, you know, if everyone's gay, but we're straight. We don't know everyone is straight. You know what I mean? I don't I don't know. It's like, oh, listen. Oh, no, please don't kid yourself. Charles Nelson Riley is as straight as an arrow. Please don't be naive, girl, boy, boy, girl, man, boy, girl, right. Yeah.

37:13🔗 Drew So I think the pink story had elements of gay lying to it. But also, I find her to be very moody and I can't always count on, you know, you can count on Brittany for a nice hug. You can count on Jessica Simpson for a nice kiss on the cheek. Pink, moody, moody.

37:27🔗 Adam Well, she's a tough chick.

37:29🔗 Drew Yeah.

37:29🔗 Adam And she doesn't.

37:30🔗 Drew Is she gay now or what? What's going on? I hear she's gay. I hear she's in the whole Linda Perry lesbian posse.

37:35🔗 Adam Oh, really?

37:36🔗 Drew Yeah.

37:36🔗 Adam I hear she's just sort of fluid.

37:38🔗 Caller Moves.

37:39🔗 Drew Yeah.

37:39🔗 Adam Yeah.

37:39🔗 Drew What is it?

37:40🔗 Caller Drew moves freely from one type to the next girl.

37:42🔗 Drew Don't even be starting.

37:44🔗 Caller Guys can't do that.

37:46🔗 Adam Girls can do that.

37:47🔗 Caller Guys don't do that.

37:47🔗 Adam That's the whole thing. The whole thing about being gay is the whole penis part is a deal breaker.

37:56🔗 Drew So you want Pink to be fluid because she's hot.

37:59🔗 Adam No.

37:59🔗 Drew Do you think Rosie O'Donnell is fluid or Billie Jean King?

38:01🔗 Caller No.

38:01🔗 Drew No. Exactly. Because they're not hot.

38:03🔗 Caller No.

38:03🔗 Drew But Pink, you're like, you know, maybe she's fluid.

38:06🔗 Caller Ellen's attractive. She's not fluid.

38:08🔗 Drew But guys don't want to sleep with Ellen. Guys want to sleep with Pink. But I'm telling you, either Pink's gay or she's not, but she's not fluid. If she's sleeping with girls, she's doing it to get good songs. Yeah. But of course, all guys want to think that Pink could go both ways. Like they have a shot at her, but it's kind of hot if she's sleeping with other girls.

38:26🔗 Adam I didn't get a vibe off her other than she has a few, it seems like she's had a few guys and had a few girls. And she didn't, we didn't talk to her about it. She was definitely attracted to me. I mean, that's not her.

38:39🔗 Drew Please, girl, don't be naive.

38:41🔗 Adam All right. Let's take ourselves a little break. The great Kathy Griffin is here tonight. Dear, dear, dear friend, Kathy Griffin, here tonight. Average Joe, big two hour season finale coming up this Monday on NBC. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. I'm Adam and that's Dr. Drew. Kathy Griffin in here tonight. Laurie Amis in here tomorrow night.

39:21🔗 Drew That's going to be very sensual. Very sensual, very mystical.

39:25🔗 Adam And people, people don't know it, but Drill backed me up. Tori and I, we're thick as thieves. We get along.

39:31🔗 Caller Like all the female guests on this show. What are you talking about?

39:32🔗 Adam We get along.

39:33🔗 Drew Do you talk outside the show?

39:34🔗 Adam She digs me. Me and Tori?

39:36🔗 Drew Yeah.

39:36🔗 Adam We talk without moving our mouths.

39:39🔗 Caller Communicate. Wait a minute.

39:40🔗 Adam What's that, Tori? Oh, she called you a bitch.

39:42🔗 Drew By the way, Adam, what's going on with the voicemail on your cell phone?

39:45🔗 Adam Yeah, I don't, I don't listen to that cell phone.

39:48🔗 Caller He doesn't listen to any voicemails anywhere.

39:50🔗 Drew What?

39:50🔗 Adam I do at home. Just not on the cell phone.

39:52🔗 Drew Grandpa, come on back to the future.

39:54🔗 Caller Don't do it. I never left a message for you.

39:56🔗 Drew So either you're, either you pick up or that's it?

39:58🔗 Caller That's it.

39:59🔗 Adam On the cell phone, yeah.

40:00🔗 Caller No. Adam.

40:02🔗 Drew Yeah, you never call me back.

40:07🔗 Adam There it is. Well, your assistant.

40:08🔗 Why don't you say this is Adam, take a shot.

40:10🔗 Adam You don't call your assistant, your assistant calls.

40:12🔗 Drew Well, I can't call myself with my fame.

40:14🔗 Adam Well, when I get that cold call, that steely cold call from the assistant, who, by the way, I know, hates Kathy's guts, anyone who works for Kathy's got to be miserable.

40:23🔗 Drew Especially the gays. They turn on me like you wouldn't believe.

40:25🔗 Adam She's tough on her health.

40:27🔗 Caller Now, the gays love you.

40:28🔗 Drew The gays love me, but then sometimes when I.

40:29🔗 Caller But you speak so disparagingly.

40:31🔗 Drew I occasionally get a bitter gay. They might start out fabulous and it's fun and then they get bitter. You know?

40:38🔗 Adam Yeah.

40:38🔗 Drew I've had the bitter gay.

40:40🔗 Adam Gays? You know what a gay is like? Let me tell you what a gay is. Gotta hit the mic with this mug. Like a gay is like a beautiful bird inside a cage. Looks beautiful, sings a beautiful song, puts your hand in, pow! It bites you right on the knuckle. That's what the gays are like. You can't trust them, Drew. They look great. They sing. They sing like canaries. But as soon as you put your finger into that cage, they go right after it.

41:05🔗 Drew Can you please not say that at the Christmas party, Adam? Because you are going to get pecked away like it's a scene from the perv. You're going to have to run out of that house. You're going to have blood streaming down your face.

41:14🔗 Caller It's a population that loves being referred to as the gays.

41:17🔗 Adam Does the house have an intercom? Because I may do one of those attention gays. Mike. Oh, no. Listen, when I'm in that tux, I'm going to look so goddamn dapper. That doesn't matter what I say to them.

41:30🔗 Drew Are you lifting the gays like you to be fit, Adam fit?

41:33🔗 Adam I got a hairy ass that keeps them away.

41:35🔗 Drew We actually are going to have a gay booth where gay people will measure your body fat.

41:40🔗 Adam Oh, really?

41:41🔗 Drew Yes. And if it's above seven percent, you are out.

41:43🔗 Adam Yeah. You don't get the bukkake treatment.

41:45🔗 Drew No. And you know those marines aren't going to stand a chance.

41:48🔗 Adam Let me say this. My hairy ass is to the gays what the garlic necklace.

41:54🔗 Drew Why can't the gays bend you over and shave it once and for all?

41:57🔗 Adam Because they have the picture burned into the gay mind.

42:00🔗 Drew Well, can't they send you to a salon? What about a day spa with you and Carson from Queer Eye?

42:06🔗 Adam Mike.

42:07🔗 Drew Yummy.

42:07🔗 Caller Hey, Mike.

42:09🔗 Adam You're 20. What's up?

42:10🔗 Caller Well, a few months ago, my sister died in the car crash. She had two children and they're living with us now. Me and my family.

42:18🔗 Adam Yeah. How old are the kids now?

42:20🔗 Caller They're 10 and 9.

42:21🔗 Adam 10 and 9. How old was your sister?

42:25🔗 Caller She was 27.

42:26🔗 Adam Yeesh. Well, she has pretty old kids, yeah. Are they devastated?

42:33🔗 Caller Well, you know, they aren't. I don't know how to say. I mean, you know, they've learned to go back to school and they're okay.

42:44🔗 Caller Parents love to look at the kids getting on with their life and go, look, they're fine, they're fine. They play like normal kids. It's a terrible, terrible thing for kids.

42:51🔗 Caller All right.

42:52🔗 Adam So, now you were good enough to take the kids in.

42:55🔗 Caller Yeah. Me and my sister, yeah. I moved back in with my parents when the kids came.

42:59🔗 Adam So you're living at home now?

43:01🔗 Caller Yeah.

43:01🔗 Caller So the three of you are taking care of the kids?

43:03🔗 Caller Yes.

43:04🔗 Caller Okay.

43:04🔗 Adam That's you, your mom and your dad who are still together?

43:07🔗 Caller Yeah.

43:09🔗 Caller Where's the dad?

43:12🔗 Caller Oh, her husband. He left a few years before she died and he hasn't been back since.

43:20🔗 Caller And no one knows where he is?

43:22🔗 Caller No.

43:23🔗 Caller Probably best. He'll show up.

43:24🔗 Adam So he never had any contact with the kids?

43:27🔗 Caller No. After the second one was born, he just left.

43:30🔗 Adam So he's been gone for nine years?

43:33🔗 Caller Yeah, we've never seen him.

43:35🔗 Adam Okay.

43:35🔗 Caller Good.

43:36🔗 Adam Yeah, good. But, geez, that's one-two punch for the kids. All right. So now, what's the question?

43:43🔗 Caller Well, the thing is, when I was eight years old, my parents told me there was no Santa Claus. And I know this sounds like a strange question, but I'm wondering when should the kids be told? Because I know in school the kids are probably going to be talking that there's no Santa Claus, but the kids believe in it.

44:00🔗 Adam The kids do believe in it.

44:02🔗 Caller They do not shatter, particularly this year.

44:04🔗 Adam Tell them Santa took Mommy.

44:06🔗 Caller Adam.

44:07🔗 Drew That's irresponsible.

44:08🔗 Caller If they come back to you and start saying, you lied, you misled us.

44:12🔗 Adam Oh, they're not going to do that.

44:13🔗 Caller Let me do that.

44:15🔗 Adam I'd show them the back of my hand. Adam. I'd get my assistant to beat the crap out of them.

44:19🔗 Caller There you go. The way to approach this is to start telling them that Santa is a spirit, it's a concept. We sort of let you believe it was a person, but it's the spirit of Christmas and go about it that way. We didn't lie, we just conceptualized it and distilled it into a person.

44:34🔗 Adam Yeah, it's like saying, look, you may not be able to see God, but he's up there looking after you. It's the same line of BS. You don't have to shake hands with a bearded guy with the Hiratchis.

44:47🔗 Caller Again, it's the spirit of giving.

44:49🔗 Adam Right.

44:50🔗 Caller They're wearing red suits and big buckles.

44:52🔗 Adam Yeah, the kids need to all, they should be believing in, you should be teaching them about Allah and God and whoever, what do the Jews got, what do they worship?

45:03🔗 Drew Yeah, they stick with God. They take it old school over Judaism.

45:06🔗 Adam Oh yeah, they're not into Jesus, but they like God.

45:08🔗 Drew Right. They think Jesus is just a prophet.

45:10🔗 Adam Right.

45:10🔗 Drew As opposed to your buddy Allah.

45:12🔗 Adam Right. Yeah. He's good people, that Allah. He's dynamite. He gets a bad rap here on earth, but up in heaven, he's dynamite.

45:21🔗 Caller Sucked up. All right.

45:23🔗 Adam So that's horrible, but go ahead and lie to the kids as much as possible.

45:28🔗 Caller Just allow them to have their fantasy.

45:30🔗 Adam But here's what I'm saying. What if you're agnostic or atheist and mama dies this way? Shouldn't you be saying, listen, don't worry. Her spirit is still here. She still loves you. She's still looking.

45:43🔗 Caller Absolutely.

45:44🔗 Adam There she is behind you. She dove down the drain. No, don't take it that far. But the point is, is blow a little smoke up the ass.

45:55🔗 Caller Yes, the idea is to make them feel good. All right. Allow them.

45:59🔗 Adam Oh, devastation. Kathy Griffin is here tonight, by the way, speaking of devastation.

46:04🔗 Caller Andy, living Syracuse.

46:06🔗 Adam Oh, it's freezing as hell.

46:07🔗 Drew The one three punch.

46:09🔗 Adam The, what the, yeah, Average Joe coming out, big, big, big wrap up this Monday coming up on NBC. Nine o'clock. We'll take a quick break. Go to kathygriffin.com, by the way.

46:22🔗 Drew Yeah. I couldn't afford.com. It's just dot net.

46:25🔗 Adam Dot net.

46:25🔗 Drew Yeah.

46:26🔗 Adam Yeah. And by the way, whoever bought my name for the.com thing, what, about 10 years ago, Drew? Have fun and choke on it, you fat ass.

46:33🔗 Drew That's how I feel. I can't even get my.com.

46:35🔗 Adam Yeah. But my guy has to pay for mine to be renewed every year.

46:38🔗 Drew My guy has gone bankrupt and they can't find him. And it's like in litigation now or something.

46:42🔗 Adam You took your name to Mexico with him? We'll be back.

46:46🔗 Alright guys, here's the deal. Look in the hookup, call the dateline. Stick a waist in time with the wrong person, call the dateline. One call is all you need to make. Call the dateline.

47:21🔗 Adam Phone number 1-800-DELLA-VE-191. Tori Amos is going to come in and talk about those gold dust moments, stardust days, fairies or something like that. Maybe she'll suckle a pig.

47:34🔗 Drew How can we never talk about fairies?

47:36🔗 Caller Here we are.

47:37🔗 Drew We never talk about-

47:37🔗 Adam We spent the first 20 minutes talking about fairies.

47:40🔗 Drew No, I don't mean my friends. Why don't we ever talk about spiritual things or mystical things? Who has a crystal with them? No? Any takers?

47:51🔗 Adam I keistered one because the doctor said it would stop my forehead from sweating.

47:54🔗 Drew What does keister mean?

47:56🔗 Adam Up the A.

47:57🔗 Drew Oh my God. You put a crystal up your ass? What does it come to? You're afraid of Margaret Cho at my Christmas party? You're putting crystals up your ass like there's no tomorrow?

48:07🔗 Adam She's the one who talked me into it.

48:09🔗 Drew Gosh.

48:10🔗 Adam Margaret Cho, did she write that movie where she got to have sex with everyone in the movie?

48:14🔗 Drew I don't know, but she does a concert movie like one a year.

48:17🔗 Adam She does a concert movie once a year?

48:19🔗 Drew She did one called The Notorious CHO. She did one, I forgot. But yeah, she does these concert movies.

48:26🔗 Adam Margaret Cho did a diabolical thing, which is she wrote a script, a movie script and put everyone in it that she wanted to screw around with, and had a sex scene or a make out scene in a script. I was one, obviously she wasn't, you know.

48:44🔗 Caller Really?

48:44🔗 Drew Have you ever heard of Woody Allen?

48:46🔗 Adam Woody Allen does it too.

48:47🔗 Drew Of course.

48:48🔗 Caller Does he really?

48:48🔗 Drew Well, of course.

48:50🔗 Adam He does.

48:50🔗 Drew You think Julia Lewis is going to kiss him otherwise?

48:53🔗 Adam Well, that's true.

48:54🔗 Drew Or Helen Hunt or whoever he's putting himself up against, like a crazy lunatic pedophile.

48:59🔗 Adam But Margaret Cho wants to rehearse. Just because he's banging his 11-year-old stepdaughter. Come on. You can't judge. You can't judge.

49:10🔗 Caller It's all good. It's just a cultural thing.

49:11🔗 Adam It's a different culture.

49:12🔗 Caller You can't judge those things.

49:13🔗 Adam New York is a different.

49:16🔗 Caller Different world. How dare you?

49:18🔗 Adam And I like when people do this. How dare you? The man's a genius. Right. Like I know he's effing his nine-year-old lay ocean son.

49:25🔗 Drew Hey, Kobe's a really good player. Kobe's an excellent basketball player.

49:28🔗 Adam Did you bring up the playoffs last year? Double, double, triple, double.

49:32🔗 Drew You know what I'd like to see? And Adam, I want you to be honest about this. Have you ever, because you do that whole like guys watching football together, ridiculousness.

49:39🔗 Adam Sure.

49:39🔗 Drew Have you guys ever been together? Like, let's say there's a group of minimum of, Drew, so tired.

49:44🔗 Caller I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

49:46🔗 Drew You know what that is?

49:46🔗 Caller That is a hurtful message to me.

49:48🔗 Caller It's Adam's voice.

49:50🔗 Drew But you're looking right at me.

49:52🔗 Caller I'm looking attentively.

49:53🔗 Adam Yawning. Your ears close when you yawn.

49:56🔗 Drew OK, so anyway, I'm listening, baby.

49:58🔗 Adam Go ahead.

49:59🔗 Drew Been with a group of guys and has any one of you ever had the balls to say, you know what, Kobe might have done it. I love that.

50:34🔗 Caller Well, maybe you know, the reality is, guys, the reality is that he was she was goofing around. He was cheating. She undoubtedly offered herself up. He doesn't understand what that means when trauma survivors do that. They're in the middle of something and all of a sudden she feels like she's being raped. She feels that way, even though.

50:51🔗 Drew Well, what about the story that it was like normal, you know, missionary? And then he flips around and she's like, no, no, I'm not into it. And then he just does it up her butt anyway. Ouch. Yeah, I would like you to all of you at home right now to picture Kobe sticking it up your butt right now and tell me you don't want to go to a precinct and report it.

51:08🔗 Adam Yeah.

51:08🔗 Drew OK, first of all, I'm having anal bleeding thinking about it. Yeah, just I am. I have a geyser and I'm putting my hand right here to stop the hemorrhaging from thinking of Kobe Bryant putting it up.

51:19🔗 Caller Well, that's anyone who knows.

51:21🔗 Adam Anyone who knows dry anal right knows pain. Especially if he figures penis has got to be just covered with the crux. You know what I mean? All that jock spray goes down there because they get the itch. They're passionate men. Here's the point. The brothers think he's innocent and the white guys are about three quarters on the guilt, but the big Lakers fan are more 50-50.

51:49🔗 Drew Every time he comes on to the court, everybody stands and cheers. Well, that's because they're going to do it if he's found guilty and goes to jail and comes back.

51:56🔗 Caller Correct.

51:56🔗 Adam Now, we're super retarded about that. We don't know, especially, like I said, when it happens to the brother man. But they think Idi Amin was a great guy. Anyone who's black does anything. Tyson, he's been railroaded.

52:07🔗 Drew The poor miss USA girl or whatever the hell that poor girl was.

52:11🔗 Adam Listen, you got to look after your own. Greg? What?

52:14🔗 Drew Well, I hope you're never a jury at my rape trial.

52:18🔗 Adam I want to be there just so I can hear the testimony.

52:20🔗 Drew Oh, you pig.

52:21🔗 Caller Yeah.

52:22🔗 Adam I believe it's going to be like the guy checks the meter, saying that she was asking for it.

52:28🔗 Caller 15. What's up?

52:29🔗 Caller Hello?

52:30🔗 Caller Hi, Greg.

52:30🔗 Caller Hey, how are you? Hey, what's going on?

52:32🔗 Adam What's happening?

52:33🔗 Caller I was calling up saying, hey, Adam and Drew, thanks for letting me on the show and stuff.

52:42🔗 Adam All right, Spicola. You're 15. For Christ's sake, you sound like you did three tours in NAMM. What's going on?

52:47🔗 Caller Nothing. I was calling up about three and a half, three and a half, four weeks ago. Me and four of my friends, we went out and we did mushrooms for the first time, no, for the second time. Well, we went out, we're hanging out at a school for a couple of hours, and we're walking back at about 3, 3.30 in the morning and a cop drives by, and he drives down the street and so we just start running. He turns around and me and all my other friends, they came and I was tripping out.

53:23🔗 Adam Hey, Ignatowski.

53:25🔗 Caller Three of my friends, they run up the street, and my best friend, his legs gave out, so I had to carry him up this hill and I had to hide him in the bush, and the cop was driving around, so we were hiding from him. So basically, what I was going to ask you about, I'm having these flashbacks, all my friends were all having these flashbacks, like if we think about it, hold on a second, first off.

53:45🔗 Drew He's a drug addict and he had a hero carrying his friend to safety.

53:48🔗 Caller Not bogus, not bogus.

53:49🔗 Adam Were the lights off in his living room and he was just stumbling around imagining this whole thing?

53:53🔗 Caller While he was talking to us? Listen, here's the deal, one of two things, listen, let me talk to him for a second.

53:59🔗 Adam Remind me to tell you guys a story about that, doing some shrooms and going back to my junior high at about midnight. Whoa.

54:06🔗 Drew You know what, maybe I'm going to call you Igkowsky.

54:08🔗 Adam Igkowsky?

54:09🔗 Drew What did you call this guy? Igkowsky.

54:12🔗 Caller From Taxi.

54:13🔗 Adam Come on baby, don't.

54:15🔗 Drew Sorry.

54:15🔗 Caller Greg? What was his first name?

54:16🔗 Adam Yeah. Jim.

54:17🔗 Caller Jim, yeah.

54:18🔗 Adam What's up there, Greg?

54:20🔗 Caller All right. Greg, listen, do you flash back on the sense that you have panic attacks when you think about the whole experience or flashbacks in that you get-

54:26🔗 Caller I just get really nervous and stuff.

54:28🔗 Caller Yeah. Well, here's the thing. When you've had a highly traumatizing experience, yes, you can be jittery and nervous and have panic attacks for weeks or even months afterwards. You throw in some mushroom which can actually, there's evidence to suspect that it would damage parts of the brain that might cause panic and anxiety chronically. That's a good recipe for some anxiety and panic. There's something called a post-looseningetic perceptual disorder where after hallucinogens like mushrooms, more commonly with LSD, you can kind of get locked into a dream-like state. Also associated with a great deal of anxiety, it becomes chronic.

54:57🔗 Adam I did mushrooms and went to my old junior high, Walter Reed Jr. High over there in North Hollywood and we hopped the fence or something.

55:08🔗 Caller And you were high.

55:09🔗 Adam Oh yeah. And like sat on the bench in the quad area where I, last time I was there was 12 years ago. I wasn't that old. I probably was like 21, 22 at the time. So last time I was there was about six years back or something where I sat during lunch.

55:25🔗 Caller That's a long six years though. That might have been 60 years.

55:27🔗 Adam Yeah. It's a big difference between the ninth grade and three years out of high school. And I just sat there high as a kite on mushrooms and sort of close my eyes and heard all the sounds of it. I was back in junior high. I mean, I didn't think I was there, but I was there. You know what I'm saying? It was weird. It was at night. And the last time I was there was, you know, Mr. Walters was coming down the stairs, blowing a whistle. And the lunch woman was in the cafeteria. So I was trying to bump food off my Jewish friends. Yeah, they always had good sandwiches to my Jewish friends.

55:58🔗 Drew They know a good sandwich. They always have.

55:59🔗 Adam They do. And they're not big eaters to Jews when they're young. Now, as they get older, they're really going to taste. Yeah, they're going to taste smart.

56:08🔗 Caller Mike? Yeah.

56:10🔗 Adam Twenty seven? You heard porn stars get colon cancer?

56:17🔗 Caller Yeah, well, I was on a website called XCalibur.

56:24🔗 Adam All right. Is it just Jack Off Night?

56:26🔗 Caller It is Jack Off Night, yeah.

56:28🔗 Adam Is every second caller just an idiot?

56:30🔗 Caller Do you want to see where the question is? Oh, it's a weird question.

56:33🔗 Drew What is it?

56:33🔗 Adam Why would he just give a, why would he blurt out a website?

56:36🔗 Drew Oh, you think he's like promoting?

56:37🔗 Caller Yeah, he's gone.

56:39🔗 Adam He's gone. You can't just say.

56:41🔗 Drew May I interject?

56:42🔗 Caller Well, yes.

56:43🔗 Drew All right.

56:43🔗 Caller Kathy, you need to go to? She wouldn't mention that website at least three times.

56:46🔗 Adam Her website?

56:47🔗 Drew kathygriffin.net. Yeah. No, what I wanted to interject was that last Thanksgiving, I went with my family to a beautiful resort, the St. Regis Monarch Beach in Dana Point, California, because I thought it was good for my family to just be-

57:02🔗 Adam You get the tray down?

57:02🔗 Drew A little tray down going.

57:03🔗 Adam That's shocking.

57:05🔗 Drew And so we went to the beautiful, gorgeous Thanksgiving buffet, so nobody has to cook and you're weighted on and it's very fancy and good food. So we walk in, I see this huge table. Who do I recognize? My buddy, Ron Jeremy. So Ron's there with all the other porn stars, and I thought it was so interesting that that's where the porn stars have Thanksgiving. Because they have money, so they can afford to go to the St. Regis, but they don't have families, nobody's cooking and they can't cook. They can't go home, nobody wants to cook. And there was Ron and all the girls and very elegant. And they were dressed slightly inappropriately, but they all behave pretty well.

57:38🔗 Adam Yeah, as a porn star can't go back to Indiana and have that trunk and stepdad who raped them at 12.

57:44🔗 Drew Yeah, right. They can't go see dad who raped him every day in junior high. They have to make new friends.

57:50🔗 Adam Right.

57:50🔗 Drew But they weren't at Denny's. They make a pretty good buck. They're over the kicking at the St. Regis.

57:54🔗 Adam Now, they're doing they do they're doing fine. As a matter of fact, you know, Missy or actually used her real name, but Christy Canyon.

58:04🔗 Caller Her name is Missy in real life.

58:05🔗 Drew Yeah.

58:06🔗 Adam She she swung by. She came by my house a few weeks back.

58:10🔗 Caller No.

58:11🔗 Adam I was just standing in front of my house, saw her and her husband drive by. They're heading over to his parents' house for Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur. Whatever it was. Some high holy Jewish day and swung by. And the thing that was funny is she's become she married this Jewish guy who was named Grant, who came in here. I think you met him when she came in.

58:35🔗 Caller I was away.

58:36🔗 Adam I knew the guy from junior high and she's become a Jewish housewife now. Kristi Canyon is still doing the porn. I think she travels around as a couple of signings and maybe a little show. But she's getting a little long in the tooth to actually be in front of the camera. Still looks good. But, you know, you have a shelf life as a porn star and she's she's up. She's at the outer limits of that. But she came by and she was like a New Jersey housewife. It's like, oh, my God, what are you doing here? And it was like, well, what are you going to do here? Some wrought iron would be beautiful. And I'm like, have just beaten off to you like four hours ago. And she's like, and she's walking and talking and saying, you know, I'd go with a nice chiffon here.

59:22🔗 Drew And this is very unusual seeing them out of context.

59:24🔗 Adam Yeah.

59:25🔗 Drew But I said to my husband when we because I don't think Matt ever met Ron Jeremy before, who's as you know, I'm sure you know, I'm very nice guy. And I said, this is I said, have you ever, you know, have you ever like jerked off to one of his movies? And he was like, Kathy, he does half of all porn. Like, there's no way anyone could ever have seen any number of porn movies without without having seen him. So he's the guy in 50 percent of porn movies.

59:48🔗 Adam Yeah.

59:49🔗 Drew Guy is doing 50 percent of all the movies.

59:51🔗 Adam Now, you're right. It's more like 70 percent. And you know, what is his hook?

59:56🔗 Drew Does he have a giant penis?

59:58🔗 Adam Yeah.

59:58🔗 Drew Yeah.

59:59🔗 Caller That. And then the hook is if that guy can do that.

1:00:02🔗 Adam He's an every man. He's an every man.

1:00:05🔗 Caller Every guy sees himself in that guy.

1:00:06🔗 Drew Right. You know, he's not attractive. And I'll say it right to his face. But he's profoundly unattractive, you know, a lot of those girls, after they do their scene, you know, they cry. There's a lot of like him consoling them and them saying things like, it wasn't supposed to be like this. Like, it can't be great to have your first porn be Ron Jeremy, who now looks like Jaime the Rabbi at this point. I'm not going to lie. So he's, you know, I mean.

1:00:31🔗 Adam Well, here's the thing about Ron Jeremy. Ron Jeremy used to be attractive.

1:00:37🔗 Drew Oh, come on.

1:00:43🔗 Adam Ron Jeremy explains that he was in playgirl. And he was like one of the first, like, I don't know, centerfolds or like playgirl.

1:00:48🔗 Drew But the playgirl guys aren't hot. There's a lot of, like, cop hair, mullets, mustaches.

1:00:52🔗 Adam I know, but here's the point. Ron Jeremy, 30 years ago, was an acceptable looking guy. Well, Ron Jeremy is probably in his early 50s. And Ron Jeremy's been in the business for like 30 years. So you got to keep in mind now, imagine the female equivalent to Ron Jeremy, some woman who's been working solid for 30 years. How good is she going to look and how excited are the young lads going to be?

1:01:18🔗 Drew I will say that.

1:01:19🔗 Adam That's true. That's true.

1:01:20🔗 Drew Because Ginger Lynn looks great. She's got to be 40, right?

1:01:23🔗 Adam Yes. And here's the thing about that, Ron. Ron is the break-in guy for a lot of the chicks, which has to be a baptism by fire. Because not only does he have a huge schvanz, but he's fat and covered with hair.

1:01:37🔗 Drew Can't he do anything, get a haircut or some gel or? No. Nobody will send him some products. Aveda, if you're listening, somebody could send him a nice gift bag.

1:01:46🔗 Adam Well, he should start trading out like you do. Get sponsors for his porn most. You're 25?

1:01:55🔗 Caller Uh-huh.

1:01:56🔗 Adam You last five minutes. You last five minutes.

1:02:05🔗 Caller Sometimes I get confused in what you're talking about.

1:02:08🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:02:08🔗 Caller So I'm having sex with my girlfriend.

1:02:11🔗 Adam Just one quick question. Why is it-

1:02:13🔗 Drew Even the call didn't last five seconds.

1:02:15🔗 Adam Why is it when we establish it's a confused hard night, does it have to go for the entire two hours? Do you know what I'm saying?

1:02:22🔗 Caller Why is it confusing to pick up the phone and encourage people to call?

1:02:27🔗 Adam I don't know, but all I know is, is once we establish that's the night it's going to be.

1:02:32🔗 Caller It's going.

1:02:32🔗 Adam Yes. Now, here's an interesting question, and we'll get to Josh in one second, but do you notice that- and I've learned this rhythm. It's a life rhythm thing. Once in a while, you'll do this. You'll go, you'll pick up your stapler. I got a staples paper. Out of staples. Where's the paper clips? Now, you can't find the paper clips that you usually have, and now it's game on. You see, now it's game on.

1:02:57🔗 Drew You can't find anything. Everything's lost.

1:02:59🔗 Adam You can't find anything. This mission is not going to be accomplished.

1:03:02🔗 Caller Metal devices to bring papers together cannot be handled today.

1:03:06🔗 Adam Yeah. It's probably downstairs. I'll go downstairs. I'll find that. Now it's sort of game on. You see what I'm saying?

1:03:12🔗 Caller Absolutely.

1:03:12🔗 Adam How do things have that rhythm? Now, oftentimes, things work out.

1:03:15🔗 Drew I just want to say this is clearly a Tori Amos conversation.

1:03:17🔗 Adam It is.

1:03:19🔗 Drew It'll be with the Mayan Convergence and the lining of the stars.

1:03:21🔗 Caller People will say that it's something to do with that. However, random events segregate non-randomly, right? So whenever there's something that happens in a series, it'll usually be a fairly long series before it ends.

1:03:32🔗 Adam Once in a while, you stumble into something and you go, obviously, this wasn't meant to be these papers coming together. And I can overcome this hurdle, but it's going to take me an hour to figure this out because everything's going to be out and stuff's going to be bent and I won't be able to find anything. And it almost has its own energy. Tonight is the night when everyone is getting confused. Yes. Josh. Yep. Go ahead, buddy. What's your question?

1:03:58🔗 Caller Okay. Well, this is the first time I've ever called in. I haven't even really watched or listened to your show a whole lot, but a friend told me about it.

1:04:06🔗 Drew Adam, can he even get to his question?

1:04:09🔗 Adam That's my question.

1:04:11🔗 Caller Does he have to give the-

1:04:12🔗 Adam I went back to him and I said, what's your question? And he had to explain that he wasn't a fan of the show.

1:04:19🔗 Caller That's the sign of TARD.

1:04:21🔗 Adam I just came back and I said, Josh, what's your question? And he said, well, now I don't listen to the show very much.

1:04:27🔗 Caller Not a fan. A friend told me about it.

1:04:29🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:04:30🔗 Adam Let's try it again. Josh?

1:04:33🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:04:34🔗 Caller Sorry about that.

1:04:35🔗 Caller I am a fan of the show. I just never heard of it before, but I'll get to the question.

1:04:41🔗 Caller Hold on.

1:04:41🔗 Adam Oh, that's his backhand at a compliment.

1:04:43🔗 Drew I like that he's a fan of something he's never heard of.

1:04:45🔗 Caller Did I hear some chirping in the background?

1:04:46🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:04:46🔗 Drew What does that mean, chirping?

1:04:47🔗 Caller Chirping. Chirping.

1:04:48🔗 Adam Could be a smoke detector. Josh.

1:04:51🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:04:52🔗 Adam How can you be a fan of something you've never heard of?

1:04:55🔗 Caller That's true. You make a good point.

1:04:58🔗 Caller He's covering it.

1:04:59🔗 Adam The valid points I make on a nightly basis if you'd listen to the goddamn show.

1:05:03🔗 Caller He gets points for effort though.

1:05:04🔗 Adam All right. What is your question?

1:05:07🔗 Caller I'm having a tough time making sure that my girl is getting what she wants. Like we have sex and we were going out for four or five minutes or so, and I'm done and I'm not sure if she's done.

1:05:26🔗 Drew She's not.

1:05:28🔗 Caller How about with oral sex? What happens then?

1:05:32🔗 Caller What do you mean? What happens?

1:05:34🔗 Drew For God's sake, you suck in bed. Get it together.

1:05:37🔗 Adam Do you give her oral sex? Uh-huh. It's Kathy Griffin. Have you ever heard of Kathy Griffin?

1:05:43🔗 Drew He's not a fan. The point is, you got to work harder, okay, lazy? How about a little elbow grease? How about a little pedal of the metal for the ladies?

1:05:51🔗 Caller That's true. That's right. I need to.

1:05:55🔗 Caller So you don't do oral sex with her?

1:05:57🔗 Caller I haven't. Not very often.

1:06:00🔗 Caller Most women do not have an orgasm with intercourse. None.

1:06:03🔗 Drew Thank you.

1:06:04🔗 Adam Less than none.

1:06:05🔗 Drew Thank you.

1:06:06🔗 Adam Thank you.

1:06:07🔗 Caller Do you understand that, Josh?

1:06:09🔗 Drew But in porn they do.

1:06:11🔗 Adam Give her the oral sex. Josh, why don't you give her the oral sex?

1:06:15🔗 Caller I don't know. I guess I just haven't been really used to it. I'm really kind of a guy who's like a germ freak. I guess what I need to do is just take some showers and get down to it.

1:06:30🔗 Drew Does she give you oral sex?

1:06:31🔗 Caller She does.

1:06:33🔗 Drew Oh, OK. But you're a germ freak. So you're comfortable receiving.

1:06:38🔗 Caller I know.

1:06:38🔗 Drew You're a bastard. You are disinvited to my Christmas party.

1:06:41🔗 Caller Oh, you know, I listened to the show earlier on and I was going to ask if I could come.

1:06:47🔗 Drew Not unless you're going to go down to me and I am filthy. You're going to be covered in germs. I got crabs flying out of me right now.

1:06:56🔗 Adam Yeah, good times.

1:07:00🔗 Drew I should have this job. I'm so much more appropriate for this than you, Drew.

1:07:03🔗 Adam And by the way, you're a germ freak. So I guess he says, I guess I could take a shower and then go down on her with his tongue sticking out. So he hits it with a water pick.

1:07:16🔗 Caller Oh, my God.

1:07:17🔗 Adam Listen, here's the thing, fellas, and Kathy, please back me up.

1:07:24🔗 Caller That's how they have orgasms.

1:07:26🔗 Adam Yes, they don't.

1:07:27🔗 Drew It's almost all we have.

1:07:28🔗 Adam Yes. And women, women, pretty much all we got. Women do not. They don't like to crow about how much they like it. And they're not used to telling guys, hey, here's what I like.

1:07:37🔗 Caller The problem is the culture teaches women that somehow they should magically be able to have orgasms every time they have intercourse. So all girls feel faulty like it's something wrong with them.

1:07:45🔗 Drew And also guys love to go, my last girlfriend did.

1:07:48🔗 Adam Right. Yeah, your last girlfriend faked it.

1:07:50🔗 Drew She faked it.

1:07:50🔗 Adam Right.

1:07:51🔗 Drew No, seriously, she did. And we always had them at the same time.

1:07:54🔗 Caller Yeah, but the strange thing about women, but there is a woman that will have orgasms during intercourse, almost instantly.

1:08:00🔗 Drew Well, it's not me.

1:08:01🔗 Caller I know that's rare. It's a rare woman.

1:08:02🔗 Drew When's her seminar?

1:08:03🔗 Caller But the women have this great range of their biology. It's just a different biological system. And some will have multiple during intercourse and not like oral sex, which is like 2%.

1:08:14🔗 Adam Well, listen, before we talk about this mythical woman.

1:08:16🔗 Drew Let me just say that if Adam and I haven't slept with them, they don't exist. Because Adam and I pretty much worked our way in the 90s. We pretty much worked our way through LA the Valley, Orange County.

1:08:26🔗 Adam That's good.

1:08:27🔗 Drew And we would meet a lot of the Tri-State and definitely meet for Chicago.

1:08:32🔗 Adam We would meet on a Friday night and map out the areas. Well, what we did is we had a grid and we would just work it in.

1:08:40🔗 Drew We called it Councilman. We made sure if anyone had a change of address, we knew about it.

1:08:44🔗 Adam It's the same technique they use when they're looking for like the Edmund Fitzgerald or some other boat that's been lost in the sea.

1:08:51🔗 Drew Or when the government wants to take a census.

1:08:53🔗 Adam Yeah, they go, we know it's within this several hundred square mile radius.

1:08:56🔗 Drew Homeless people, halfway houses.

1:08:58🔗 Adam We'll just traverse the area and make sure we cover it all. All right, Kathy, what is what? Give us three good tips for oral sex that our young male listeners need to know besides get down there and do it.

1:09:12🔗 Drew No, no, it's not about getting down there and doing it. First of all, you definitely have to kiss first. So like those guys that you say like, OK, let's make love and then boom, they're down there. That's a little weird.

1:09:21🔗 Adam No, no, I mean, do it. A lot of our guys just don't do it.

1:09:24🔗 Caller They don't know understanding anatomy.

1:09:25🔗 Adam Here it is. It's like, no, but their thing is like, well, she didn't ask for it. And I don't know if I'm not going to do it if she didn't ask for it. And therefore it never happened.

1:09:34🔗 Drew So first of all, you should just try it. So, I mean, when I say just do it, what I mean is you kiss and then maybe you work the kissing down there. And if she has some complete issue with it, she'll stop you around the stomach just like a guy. If some guy's got some rancid infection, he'll stop you at the stomach. Although believe me, it's got to be raging.

1:09:52🔗 Adam No, listen, I could have a bowl of clam dip coming out of my penis and I would still have you on it.

1:09:57🔗 Caller He will stop you if there's a vagina down there.

1:09:59🔗 Adam No, I'd be like, clean up, I'll me.

1:10:02🔗 Caller Okay, so then that's a totally fine.

1:10:04🔗 Drew So it's a lot of kissing to get down there. Then once you get down there, the important thing is it's got to be gentle and it has to be circles. Don't do the up scoop because that can be very painful. It almost feels like there's like a, I don't know, like almost like a pin down there or something. So it should be gentle circles.

1:10:24🔗 Adam Circles on the clitoris?

1:10:25🔗 Drew Yes, circles around the clitoris, gentle.

1:10:28🔗 Caller Guys, here's Charlie Brown's teacher right there.

1:10:31🔗 Drew What?

1:10:35🔗 Caller The idea of stimulation of genitalia causing pin-like sensation, guys, does not compute.

1:10:41🔗 Drew Very gentle. All right. So the tongue, the pressure of the tongue to the vagina should be soft and gentle. Not like in porn mags where they like do crazy stuff and they put like a buzz saw down there. Gentle circles and slow circles. And also there should be some asking, is this good? And also let the woman know it's OK to say, you know, little to the left, little to the right, all that stuff. Like a little traffic copying can save the guy a lot of time. Because sometimes the guy will be in just the wrong spot for like an hour.

1:11:15🔗 Caller Why would a woman let a guy do that?

1:11:16🔗 Drew Right. Because you're embarrassed. You're thinking, oh, is he going to feel bad if I correct him? So guys should say like, look, tell me, you know, tell me what I'm doing right and what you don't like. And then, oh, OK, good. We'll keep doing that. And what the woman says like, OK, that that keep doing that. Keep doing that. Don't all of a sudden shift to the left.

1:11:33🔗 Adam Right.

1:11:33🔗 Drew If she's you know, if she like accelerates her breathing, stick with that. Stick with what works and bail on what doesn't.

1:11:38🔗 Adam And let me say this. Would you would you agree or disagree with this, which is if you were giving someone a massage, you wouldn't be all over the place. You would be sort of rhythmic and circular and just the right amount of pressure. You wouldn't hop from the elbow to the shoulder to the thigh.

1:11:55🔗 Drew Right. And you wouldn't take like a cat and nine tails and beat them over the head with it. Gentle, you know, but you know, you can't think of it like a penis. I think guys think of the clitoris is like a mini penis. And they want it to be fast.

1:12:06🔗 Adam I think my penis is a large clitoris.

1:12:09🔗 Caller No, that's what we're going to break.

1:12:11🔗 Adam We got to take a break. One more last quick question. Do you hit it with the end of the tongue or you give it the meat of the tongue?

1:12:18🔗 Drew Meat of the tongue.

1:12:19🔗 Adam That's what I think. Don't make it into a point. Too pointy.

1:12:24🔗 Drew Yes.

1:12:25🔗 Adam What if you could roll your tongue up into a taco shell shape? Should you just suck it up like it's the ground beef in the shell?

1:12:31🔗 Drew No. No sucking.

1:12:32🔗 Adam All right. We'll take a quick break. Kathy Griffin's here. More tips after this.

1:12:46🔗 Caller Alternative San Francisco.

1:12:54🔗 Adam Loveline. That's Dr. Drew, Kathy Griffin here tonight, Tori Amos tomorrow night. Kathy's the host of Average Joe. Big two-hour finale coming up this coming Monday, nine o'clock NBC. As if we fall deeper and deeper in love each time we hang out, Kathy and I.

1:13:16🔗 Drew Right.

1:13:16🔗 Adam I just found out that she stays up to five every night watching TiVo. And I love that about her.

1:13:21🔗 Drew Yummy.

1:13:22🔗 Adam I said to Kathy, come by tomorrow. See the house. She said, all right.

1:13:26🔗 Drew No, I said I'm having lunch with someone at one.

1:13:27🔗 Adam I'm having lunch with someone at one.

1:13:29🔗 Drew Someone from Paradise Hotel, by the way.

1:13:30🔗 Adam Fine. Come by before that. Oh, please. I'm not going to drag myself out of bed.

1:13:33🔗 Drew I know. If I. OK, look, if I have to have lunch with someone at one, then I probably have to get up at noon. Right. Put a little like half-ass makeup on. Go over there. Little foundation. If I'm going to go to your house first, because you know I want to spend a good 20 minutes looking around the house. Then I got to get up. We're talking like 10, 20.

1:13:48🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:13:49🔗 Drew I just went to bed at five.

1:13:51🔗 Adam 10, 30.

1:13:52🔗 Drew How am I supposed to get my 10 hours?

1:13:53🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:13:56🔗 Drew No, I don't get 10 hours. I'm saying I wish.

1:13:59🔗 Adam But you go home every night. You watch at TiVo.

1:14:01🔗 Drew All night long.

1:14:02🔗 Adam Uh-huh. Do you drink wine?

1:14:04🔗 Drew Well, you know, Matt goes to bed early.

1:14:05🔗 Adam Because that could be us.

1:14:07🔗 Drew No. Matt goes to bed early.

1:14:09🔗 Adam My wife goes to bed early. I mean, we could make something happen here.

1:14:12🔗 Drew First of all, I really doubt that you and I watch the same shows on TiVo. I really, really doubt.

1:14:16🔗 Caller Adam wants us starting over. You make that one.

1:14:18🔗 Drew You don't.

1:14:18🔗 Adam No. I watch modern marvels. They're like gunpowder used in the right hands for mining and bridge building. But I watch modern marvels every night.

1:14:30🔗 Drew Welcome to the first mall. In 1942, someone had the idea to put stores together.

1:14:36🔗 Adam That's what I do.

1:14:37🔗 Drew I love that. Now, you know what I do love? I love Monster House. Although you know those houses fall apart in like two seconds.

1:14:45🔗 Adam They wanted me to host Monster House.

1:14:47🔗 Drew Oh, you should do it.

1:14:48🔗 Adam Well, it was before it was it was before they came out.

1:14:52🔗 Drew Right.

1:14:52🔗 Adam They didn't have any money or anything. But all right. So the point is, is do you drink wine?

1:14:58🔗 Drew No.

1:14:58🔗 Adam Because I drink wine.

1:15:00🔗 Drew I don't drink at all.

1:15:01🔗 Adam You just stamped a five silver.

1:15:03🔗 Drew No, I'm an eater. I'll pick it like some little candies or off some salty stuff. I'm an eater. I'm not. I don't drink.

1:15:09🔗 Adam You got to get your booze on because let me explain what happens. You start drinking that red wine when you get home and you doze off about two fifteen. You don't make it to five.

1:15:18🔗 Drew Oh, I'd kill to sleep to two fifteen. That would be heaven.

1:15:21🔗 Adam Well, don't you want to go to bed earlier?

1:15:23🔗 Drew I don't know. It's my me time. Is that why you do it?

1:15:27🔗 Adam Do you need nine hours of you every night? I get two hours of myself. I'm tired of myself already.

1:15:31🔗 Drew Well, my me time is me watching TV.

1:15:33🔗 Caller That's true.

1:15:34🔗 Drew I don't masturbate every night.

1:15:36🔗 Adam Really?

1:15:37🔗 Drew No.

1:15:37🔗 Adam Well, see, now you don't drink. You don't masturbate. All of a sudden, the honeymoon's over. I was going to come by with like a.

1:15:45🔗 Drew Are we going to have a circle jerk? I'm a girl, Adam. I don't have circle jerks.

1:15:48🔗 Adam I was going to come by with a honcho and a nice chablis.

1:15:51🔗 Drew What's a honcho?

1:15:52🔗 Adam That's a guy, a faggity magazine that you could look at. I was going to come by with a Colt Roundup and a Chardonnay and we were really going to dig in.

1:16:02🔗 Drew Are you going to watch Oprah with me at 105?

1:16:05🔗 Adam See, I can't watch it. I have to watch science shows. Shows have to do with. Here's what I think.

1:16:09🔗 Drew What's the great thinker over here?

1:16:11🔗 Adam I have to see either something being built or Hitler. Hitler has to be destroying lives.

1:16:16🔗 Drew I love the Hitler shows.

1:16:17🔗 Adam Never get tired of Hitler. Never get tired. And the thing I can't figure out about Hitler.

1:16:22🔗 Drew Why do we protect Barbie? That's what I could never figure out. We protected. We knew where Barbie was all those years and we didn't do anything. We knew Gearing was down in Brazil. We did nothing. Yeah.

1:16:31🔗 Caller Interesting.

1:16:32🔗 Drew Yeah. All right. We want information.

1:16:34🔗 Caller Speaking of modern marvels, here's Diana.

1:16:35🔗 Adam Oh, she has an orgasm.

1:16:37🔗 Caller Yes.

1:16:38🔗 Adam Diana.

1:16:40🔗 Caller Diana.

1:16:40🔗 Caller Diana, I beg your pardon.

1:16:45🔗 Caller No, I was listening to you guys and you guys were talking about the mystical woman who, you know, orgasms in like two minutes.

1:16:53🔗 These are those gold dust moments.

1:16:56🔗 Caller During intercourse.

1:16:57🔗 Caller Right. During intercourse. That's me.

1:17:02🔗 Drew Every time I'm here. Drew, do you set these up for me? Every time.

1:17:06🔗 Adam Rubbing your face in it.

1:17:07🔗 Caller And what, Diana? What else?

1:17:09🔗 Drew Man, this sucks.

1:17:10🔗 Caller No, it's not a good thing. I didn't.

1:17:14🔗 Caller Why?

1:17:14🔗 Adam Because she has a refractory period probably.

1:17:17🔗 Caller No. She had multiple orgasms.

1:17:18🔗 Caller Well, it's like I'm like the guy's just getting started and I'm done.

1:17:23🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:17:24🔗 Caller So it's like.

1:17:26🔗 Drew Like guys care.

1:17:27🔗 Caller So you don't have multiple orgasms.

1:17:28🔗 Adam No, but she, it's uncomfortable for her after that becomes too intense.

1:17:31🔗 Drew And then you get loomed up afterwards.

1:17:34🔗 Caller Yeah, but once I'm done, I'm done and I want to get off me.

1:17:38🔗 Drew It's time to go to Krispy Kreme. The fun's over. I understand.

1:17:41🔗 Adam It's uncomfortable if you keep going.

1:17:43🔗 Caller Do you, does oral sex a good thing for you or not?

1:17:46🔗 Caller No, I don't really care for it at all.

1:17:48🔗 Caller See, these women with orgasm with intercourse, they don't like oral sex. Really?

1:17:51🔗 Drew Isn't it going to take you longer to orgasm if you have oral sex?

1:17:54🔗 Caller They just don't like it. It doesn't feel right. It just doesn't feel comfortable to them.

1:17:57🔗 Adam Well, let Deanna answer for that. Does it, is it painful or uncomfortable or you just don't care for it, the oral sex?

1:18:03🔗 Caller It's, it's not painful. I just, I mean, it's, it's OK, but I don't prefer it. I mean, I'll. It's not comfortable.

1:18:14🔗 Adam It's just not into it.

1:18:15🔗 Caller Right. I mean, if a guy likes to do it, I'll let him do it because, you know, he's really into that.

1:18:20🔗 Adam I should give her the Nobel Peace Prize.

1:18:22🔗 Drew You know, this is really, there goes my whole case. I come here, I try to do good work. And now Deanna calls.

1:18:30🔗 Caller Well, that's the point about women.

1:18:31🔗 Drew Now, Josh is, remember Josh from before who didn't want to go down on a girl because girls are dirty and smell like fish? Well, this is all he needs to hear.

1:18:37🔗 Caller But you have to understand that this is the mystery about women and why women can't sort of get a union going because there's such diversity and why men can't understand them. Each one's different.

1:18:46🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:18:46🔗 Adam That's it. I'm never going down on another woman.

1:18:49🔗 Drew Oh, we got to unionize. Deanna made up my mind.

1:18:52🔗 Adam All right. And so let me ask this, you wonder she's 22. You wonder if the right guy went down on her. You wonder if Kathy Griffin went down on her.

1:19:07🔗 Drew I'm not. Hold on. I know you don't.

1:19:10🔗 Adam But you're not into that. But let's just say you could put your mouth on a man's body. You know what I'm saying?

1:19:18🔗 Drew My mouth on a man's body.

1:19:20🔗 Adam You know what you're doing.

1:19:21🔗 Drew My acumen. OK.

1:19:22🔗 Adam You know what you're doing.

1:19:23🔗 Drew Your skills. Oh, sure.

1:19:25🔗 Adam She's 22. She's 22. She's calling from Eugene. I got to believe that if Kathy, not Kathy, she's not a lesbian, but if Kathy went down on her, she would enjoy it.

1:19:35🔗 Drew I would make an ex a lesbian.

1:19:37🔗 Adam You see what I'm saying?

1:19:38🔗 Drew I know how it all works down there.

1:19:41🔗 Adam She's already said that she doesn't mind.

1:19:43🔗 Caller Ask her if she's ever had an orgasm with oral sex.

1:19:45🔗 Adam She hasn't.

1:19:46🔗 Caller Yeah, that's right.

1:19:47🔗 Adam I'm just saying she's with some drunken Yahoo. She just sets Mickey's big mouth down.

1:19:51🔗 Drew She should be with the five minute guy who's done in five minutes. Everybody's happy.

1:19:55🔗 Adam Right now.

1:19:55🔗 Caller That's right.

1:19:56🔗 Adam All right. Travis.

1:19:58🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:19:59🔗 Adam Germany or Florida?

1:20:03🔗 Caller First, I got to say a couple of things.

1:20:04🔗 Caller I want to thank you, Adam Carolla. You're probably the funniest man I've ever heard in my life.

1:20:08🔗 Adam Thank you, Travis. You're obviously a genie.

1:20:10🔗 Caller And Kathy, what you were saying about earlier about the crabs about that guy who won't go down and cancel a Christmas party. I personally would love to go down on you, but...

1:20:18🔗 Drew Oh, that's sweet.

1:20:19🔗 Caller Another time, another place, but...

1:20:21🔗 Drew That's what Christmas is all about, the holidays, getting...

1:20:24🔗 Adam You come there and in front of her parents, she'll hike her leg up onto the bar stool and you can just get busy.

1:20:29🔗 Drew My mom after a couple of wines, you know, anything, it's on.

1:20:33🔗 Adam She'll be arranging the ladyfingers on the serving tray, you'll just be looking away down there. All right, go ahead, Travis.

1:20:40🔗 Caller All right, but, okay, this female, she let her neighbor in, came over and-

1:20:48🔗 Adam This is Germany or Florida, by the way.

1:20:50🔗 Caller This is Germany or Florida. He started stabbing her. Her mom comes out of the back room, because she has a commotion, and he in return, since there's another person, starts stabbing her. He leaves the scene of the crime. Two days later, he goes into the station, and he admits to the crime.

1:21:12🔗 Adam That's it. That's not much. Yeah, now, here's the problem. This is why this is not a great Germany or Florida. This is pretty much just a violent crime that could have happened in any city in the world.

1:21:23🔗 Drew I'm going to go with Montana.

1:21:24🔗 Adam But I think we'll go Florida here, because I don't know what sets this, why we'd even hear about it if it was in Germany.

1:21:30🔗 Drew I'm going to go Florida, because I think I may have actually heard about this.

1:21:34🔗 Adam Really?

1:21:34🔗 Drew I follow the crime.

1:21:36🔗 Adam We'll go Florida.

1:21:37🔗 Drew Florida. It was Florida.

1:21:43🔗 Adam Kathy knows her shivs and the origins of them.

1:21:47🔗 Drew Did you watch the crime shows on Discovery?

1:21:49🔗 Adam I love all the forensic shows.

1:21:51🔗 Drew Oh, FBI files?

1:21:52🔗 Adam All that stuff. The HBO, I think it's HBO that has the forensic files one. The doctors are casually talking about all this stuff. Autopsy.

1:22:02🔗 Drew Yes, forensic files is Discovery.

1:22:04🔗 Adam Yeah, autopsies. Awesome. You know, it's always great when they just gloss over things, like they're talking to the pathologist and he's like, then the suspect, he kept the body, he kept it intact. He used it. He had kept her hair, made a wig out of it, put wax and silk cloth on her face, sprayed the body with perfume so the decomposing wouldn't smell, had a vaginal tube inserted and just keeps powering past all that. It's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, vaginal tube inserted. No one wants to stop. It's like these shows. That's the whole thing. Like when they do these narration shows, like I was watching, I was telling Drew about this. I was watching a thing on the original Siamese twins, like Ian and Yang or whatever the hell their names were Chang and Wang or whatever, and they're like, they live together. Obviously they're connected at the hip or at the shoulder and they live to the ripe old age of and they set up shop. They moved to like Indiana and they married two girls who were twins, not Siamese twins and between them sired 29 kids. And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. One had like 13 kids and the other had like 11 kids. Now you're banging your brothers on top of your wife too or is there a curtain between you or how? And okay, I understand you want to have kids and you're not going to let your disability get in the way. Three kids? You each are into the double digits with kids. Right.

1:23:41🔗 Caller They're compensating.

1:23:42🔗 Adam The two Siamese guys are each into the double digits and maybe they're going to pass this crazy attached gene along. I just, here's what I mean. All I want is the narrator to stop and go, holy mother f'n a pearl. That's what I want. Or to say like, Jesus, how'd they do that?

1:23:59🔗 Drew Right. Or to even have that slight inflection. And then they went on to have 29 children.

1:24:06🔗 Adam Between them they had 29 kids and one of them had a pension for a stamp collection. They just moved like that. Vaginal tube, pow. Right? Just gone. We got to take ourselves a break. Kathy, we're going to talk about that autopsy thing. Oh, that is a hot show. Oh, this horrible, horrible stuff goes on, Drew. You don't know what's outside of this studio.

1:24:27🔗 Caller Nice.

1:24:28🔗 Adam You'd be scared to go out if I tell you. Drew, what do you know?

1:24:32🔗 Drew You're just a doctor. Is Drew in a protective bubble called Adam? So your idea is that you protect Drew from the world.

1:24:37🔗 Caller Of course.

1:24:37🔗 Adam He lives in my sphere. He's like John Travolta.

1:24:40🔗 Caller I'm actually like the corpse in the closet thing, very misogynized.

1:24:44🔗 Drew He's just putting perfume all over you so it doesn't smell.

1:24:47🔗 Caller My vaginal tube. I'll show it to you if there's a brand.

1:24:49🔗 Adam Dear, dear friend, dear, dear friend, Kathy Griffin here tonight from Average Show. kathygriffin.net. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:25:01🔗 Caller Love Line with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

1:25:07🔗 Caller We'll be right back.

1:25:19🔗 Adam Hey, everybody, Loveline and Adam, that's Dr. Drew, dear, dear, dear friend, Kathy Griffin in here tonight. Average Joe, her show, NBC, nine o'clock, big two-hour special coming up this Monday.

1:25:31🔗 Drew I can't wait.

1:25:32🔗 Adam Tori Amos coming up tomorrow. I can't wait for that.

1:25:35🔗 Caller Transgender question?

1:25:36🔗 Adam Oh, Kathy, I don't have to.

1:25:37🔗 Caller You don't want to talk about it?

1:25:39🔗 Drew I don't want to turn the transgender community against me.

1:25:41🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:25:42🔗 Drew I'm just saying.

1:25:47🔗 Adam Obviously, they have a screw loose.

1:25:49🔗 Drew No. I've been seeing like I saw a bunch of opras with the transgenders. I know there's a transgender is different from tranny, right?

1:25:59🔗 Adam No.

1:25:59🔗 Drew When people say tranny, don't they mean a man who dresses as a woman?

1:26:03🔗 Caller That's a transvestite.

1:26:04🔗 Drew That's a transvestite. Transvestite is a dresser. Tranny is someone who actually had the surgery?

1:26:08🔗 Caller Yes.

1:26:09🔗 Drew Then I'm going to go ahead and go with tranny.

1:26:10🔗 Adam Well, tranny could be transvestite.

1:26:14🔗 Drew I think when I see the trannies at Highland and Santa Monica at the donut stop, I'm thinking transvestites.

1:26:21🔗 Caller There's a shake.

1:26:22🔗 Drew I don't think they can afford the surgery.

1:26:25🔗 Adam Let's just clear this up right now though, because I think a lot of people have this. Transvestites are men that dresses women.

1:26:32🔗 Caller They're still men.

1:26:32🔗 Adam Maybe live as women, possibly.

1:26:35🔗 Caller They usually don't have sexual identity issues. They just get aroused.

1:26:38🔗 Adam Well, I just mean they live as women. They dress that way. They're aroused by it.

1:26:42🔗 Caller Some of them are just aroused.

1:26:43🔗 Drew Then why can't they just do it in the bedroom?

1:26:44🔗 Caller Many of them do.

1:26:45🔗 Drew Why is it that they?

1:26:46🔗 Caller Most of them do, I'd say.

1:26:47🔗 Drew Right. Well, I agree. OK, so my impression after watching, we're clarifying.

1:26:51🔗 Adam Transsexual, a lot of people don't know the difference between transsexual and transvestite. Transvestite dude dresses like a chick.

1:26:59🔗 Drew Right.

1:26:59🔗 Adam Transsexual dude got his junk cut off.

1:27:02🔗 Caller Or a girl who got a teen penis built, which I have a picture of here.

1:27:05🔗 Adam Which you never see very often. Or, and then, and Drew calm down, there's pre-op transsexual. These are people that are going to get the junk cut off.

1:27:14🔗 Drew Which they are much more of than the people that have had the junk cut off.

1:27:18🔗 Adam Now go ahead, Kathy.

1:27:18🔗 Drew Okay, so my question is, Yes. Don't you think a lot of these guys are guys that just, it isn't enough to just be gay? In other words, it's not fabulous enough.

1:27:30🔗 Caller Most of them, a significant percentage of them become women and have relationships with lesbian women.

1:27:37🔗 Drew Okay, but when I was watching Oprah, a lot of them are like, well, yes, she'll say, well, are you attracted to men now that you're one? They'll say, no, I'm attracted, I'm still attracted to women, but I'm open to being attracted to men. Like a lot of them are saying, well, I don't know what I'm attracted to anymore because I've got to get my own life in order first.

1:27:54🔗 Caller They create a penis out of the forearm.

1:27:56🔗 Adam Right. Showing Kathy pictures of the medical flex bug.

1:28:00🔗 Drew Did they actually put the penis next to the open, exposed arm?

1:28:02🔗 Caller No, that's a penis created out of the forearm.

1:28:05🔗 Adam Build a penis that lends off your forearm.

1:28:09🔗 Drew Wow, that's a big penis. And how does it get like flaccid and then soft?

1:28:13🔗 Caller They put probably pumps in the pipe cleaner.

1:28:15🔗 Adam All right. Here's the point.

1:28:17🔗 Drew Wait a minute. Is that what a, is that her vagina beforehand?

1:28:20🔗 Adam No, it's a disaster.

1:28:22🔗 Drew My vagina looks nothing like that.

1:28:24🔗 Caller That's after a lot of male hormones.

1:28:25🔗 Adam I was just saying. No, that is Kathy's vagina. Absolutely not.

1:28:30🔗 Drew Giant pillows.

1:28:32🔗 Adam Kathy has a asymmetry in her labia minora. She got the red bozo hair up there. It's nothing like it.

1:28:39🔗 Drew Red bozo hair. Well, I don't know what else to call it. I've had the chemical straightening because I want the carpets to match the drapes.

1:28:46🔗 Adam She got the trade out with the product.

1:28:47🔗 Drew I traded, I got a discount and I just have to touch up the roots every six months.

1:28:52🔗 Adam All right, Drew, let's move forward for a vomit.

1:28:54🔗 Drew Yes.

1:28:55🔗 Adam Kathy, here's the answer to your question. The people that are transsexual.

1:29:00🔗 Drew That movie Normal on HBO.

1:29:01🔗 Caller What was your question?

1:29:02🔗 Drew My question is, can't gay guys sometimes just be satisfied being gay? Do they have to get the operation?

1:29:07🔗 Caller Yes, those are not gender.

1:29:09🔗 Drew I'm telling you, I know transgender people that have either halfway through the operation have had it, and they thought they were going to become women and then date women. What do you know? They've become women and all of a sudden they want to go out with guys. I'm like, you're just a gay guy and it wasn't fabulous enough to be gay, you had to actually become a woman.

1:29:27🔗 Adam Well, here's the thing. Anyone who agrees to get their junk cut off is so beyond nuts that all bets are off in terms of their motivation. I think that sums it up. Jennifer? At least I've decided to sum it up. Jennifer, you're 21. Jennifer's asleep, she's gonna hold for 65 minutes. You had sex two nights ago?

1:29:52🔗 Caller Yeah, it was kind of long, it reached out for about four hours.

1:29:56🔗 Caller Four hours is kind of long?

1:29:59🔗 Caller Well, I mean, water breaks and stuff.

1:30:01🔗 Drew Were you going from the hospital?

1:30:02🔗 Caller No, no, no, no. We had sex for a span of like four hours that night and I'm guessing-

1:30:15🔗 Adam Did you guys take a break in that four hour period?

1:30:21🔗 Caller Like for water, because it gets a little sweaty and you kind of want some water, so we had water. My question is though is that afterwards, it's been since then, I know I don't have a rash, but it's really itchy and kind of hot around the vaginal area.

1:30:39🔗 Caller That's inflamed.

1:30:41🔗 Drew Oh, you poor thing.

1:30:42🔗 Caller And I wanted to know if there's, what can I do to kind of cool that, to stop that?

1:30:47🔗 Caller Maybe get like some cortisone cream over the counter, cordaid, or even anusol, something used for hemorrhoids might help.

1:30:53🔗 Drew You know what helps me is if you have a big glass of water, like eight ounces or whatever, and you put in a tablespoon of baking soda and you stir it around and drink it, there's something about that that helps.

1:31:05🔗 Caller Really?

1:31:05🔗 Drew It hums.

1:31:07🔗 Caller What?

1:31:07🔗 Drew It alkalinizes your urine.

1:31:10🔗 Caller Yeah, but this is not a urine problem.

1:31:13🔗 Drew You don't think it's a urinary tract infection?

1:31:14🔗 Caller No, no, no, which is certainly possible, but she has itching around the vagina, which is swollen and hot.

1:31:19🔗 Drew Does it hurt when you pee?

1:31:21🔗 Adam I picture... I'll let her answer that in a second. I picture her vagina after four hours being dropped in the tub like a blacksmith working on a horseshoe.

1:31:33🔗 Drew And it actually goes, ah.

1:31:36🔗 Caller We use KYJ after a while, too.

1:31:39🔗 Caller Jennifer, that's not good for you to do it that long.

1:31:41🔗 Adam After a while. After hour three.

1:31:43🔗 Caller You will definitely get hurt.

1:31:44🔗 Drew Is this early on in the relationship?

1:31:46🔗 Adam It better be.

1:31:48🔗 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:31:51🔗 Adam How long? Oh, a month. Yeah, of course. You're in the bang the bejesus stage. You're at the stage where the guy's got something to prove. Two things.

1:32:00🔗 Caller The same guy will be three minutes.

1:32:02🔗 Adam You got to think this is me all the time and B, I got to bang the other dork out of you.

1:32:06🔗 Caller The other guys.

1:32:07🔗 Adam I'm going to push him right out of you. I'm going to bang him right out of you.

1:32:12🔗 Caller Yeah, and this same guy will be every two weeks, three minutes.

1:32:15🔗 Adam Oh, yeah. He'll settle into his groove and you won't have three hours collectively over the year.

1:32:19🔗 Drew And see Astroglide. I mean a good fluid loop.

1:32:22🔗 Caller You mentioned that last time.

1:32:25🔗 Adam She's got a trade-out deal with them.

1:32:26🔗 Caller A trade-out. Yeah, well, we're meeting the representatives at the parties. Yeah, of course.

1:32:30🔗 Adam There'll be some.

1:32:31🔗 Drew Well, don't you think KY is too sticky?

1:32:34🔗 Adam Oh, really?

1:32:34🔗 Caller I never thought of it that way. KY's too thick.

1:32:36🔗 Adam KY's too viscous.

1:32:37🔗 Drew Yes, I think Astroglide is a little more gooey and not so vaseline-y.

1:32:42🔗 Adam All I know is I used that one on my hair, Astroglide, we were on the road that time. I couldn't find any product.

1:32:47🔗 Caller Yes, we were in Kansas or Nebraska.

1:32:49🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:32:50🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:32:51🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:32:51🔗 Adam My hair.

1:32:52🔗 Drew It's good stuff.

1:32:52🔗 Adam My head smelled like balls. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back. Loveline. San Francisco.

1:33:03🔗 Caller Go.

1:33:16🔗 Adam Well, that's the show. Where did the time go? I'll tell you, when dear, dear, dear friend, Kathy Griffin drops by the studio.

1:33:22🔗 Drew I love it. Every time.

1:33:24🔗 Adam The hours turn into minutes.

1:33:25🔗 Caller She's got a few more deers by the end of the show.

1:33:27🔗 Drew And also, I want to put another plug for Drew's book, Cracked, which I loved. I read cover to cover. I loved it.

1:33:33🔗 Caller Strangely enough, Adam said the same thing after. Oh no, wait a minute, he's not read it.

1:33:37🔗 Drew Adam, you still haven't read Cracked? Oh, Adam.

1:33:42🔗 Adam That's all right. I get an ass full of this guy.

1:33:44🔗 Drew I'm sorry, you're watching Modern Marvels all night.

1:33:46🔗 Adam That's right. All right, Average Joe, nine o'clock, Monday night, big season premiere or big finale, I should say, two hours finale. I corrected myself, get off me. This Monday on NBC, Tori Amis tomorrow night and Kathy Griffin. God bless you until next time. It's Adam Crawford, Dr. Drew saying mahalo. Josh.

1:34:04🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:34:05🔗 Adam How can you be a fan of something you've never heard of?

1:34:08🔗 Caller That's true, you make good point.

1:34:13🔗 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Ingold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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