Sunday, November 2, 2003

0:59🔗 Voiceover Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:03🔗 It's Loveline.

1:05🔗 Adam Your phone number is 1-800-LLVE-191- Dr. Drew, board certified physician, addiction medicine specialist. Thank holy Christ for this weather.

1:12🔗 Drew It's cool, yeah. And it rained.

1:16🔗 Adam It rained, and it's cold. I saw my breath last night at Halloween. Oh wait a minute, that was a bong load.

1:23🔗 Drew Yeah, that was two nights ago.

1:24🔗 Adam But then I started laughing really hard after that. Oh no, I was coughing, but I saw my own breath.

1:31🔗 Drew And then you laughed.

1:32🔗 Adam It was amazing. Let me tell you the kind of world-class napping I've been getting into too.

1:38🔗 Drew Yes.

1:38🔗 Adam Like bear-like hibernation. Haven't done it since I was wearing jammies with feet built into it kind of napping. Like firing up, getting the fire going. Got the fire going in the fireplace. Pulled the blanket up. Tootsies facing the fire on the sofa.

1:56🔗 Drew Yes.

1:56🔗 Adam Popped on a little classical music and just went into some netherworld of ram. Yes, as opposed to four or five days ago with my ass cheeks pried open with the number two pencil to get more cooling in my lower region, feet hanging out, fans blowing, air blowing, windows open. Oh, I'm a new man.

2:22🔗 Drew I'm a new man. You know, we don't factor in anymore.

2:25🔗 Adam Sleep's my middle name now, Drew.

2:27🔗 Drew You look, your eyes look different.

2:28🔗 Adam I'm looking at me.

2:28🔗 Drew They look so wild anymore.

2:29🔗 Adam I'm raring to go.

2:30🔗 Drew But sleep, mother nature's not gonna factor into life anymore. I mean, look at what's done to us. And how about the fires? A little rain and boom, it's over.

2:39🔗 Adam Yeah.

2:39🔗 Drew Mother nature just switches it out.

2:40🔗 Adam It is all over. Is it all over?

2:42🔗 Drew Essentially, yeah.

2:43🔗 Adam Oh, thank Christ. Oh, it was raining. You know that weird, you're out and it smells like rain and the steam and the, oh, yeah. Oh, but sleeping. Oh, man. All right.

2:55🔗 Drew But you can wake up now and do a show.

2:56🔗 Adam I'm gonna nap now.

2:57🔗 Drew Well, let me talk a little bit. I want to thank people that have, I meant to do this the other night, but I want to thank people who have written reviews on Amazon for my book. I've been complaining about it, but the vast majority of them were very thoughtful. And I appreciate it. I always like it, but I appreciate it. They were well thoughtful, though. The ones I don't like are when people react emotionally. It's like people that call our show that go, you said people that have long distance relationship should break up immediately. You know, they see their own ass in whatever it is we're talking about, and then react emotionally. And that's just disturbing.

3:30🔗 Adam Yeah.

3:31🔗 Drew Thank you.

3:32🔗 Adam Hey, you know, Mazel Tov. Let me tell you what happened to me this morning. Well, you know, you're addicted to something busted the coffee pot, you know, before I got the coffee going in it. It busted the carafe, the holder, the pot itself.

3:50🔗 Drew I mean, cracked it by putting the heat in.

3:53🔗 Adam It just busted. It's like sitting on the edge of the sink and fell into the sink.

3:57🔗 Drew Your mouth right under the drip.

3:58🔗 Adam Or I was like, all right, I'm going to put a mug or something under there.

4:02🔗 Drew Good man.

4:02🔗 Adam I got to get my coffee. And then I realized the thing thing has has one of the things where it won't it won't drip all the pots up in there. So now I turn into Coffee MacGyver.

4:13🔗 Drew Right.

4:13🔗 Adam Like I'm taking I'm like I'm a cross between Juan Valdez, the the Mexican who picks the beans for the Hills Brothers and MacGyver. I I take like a book of matches and I could curl the thing up and I flip the little thing and I stuff it in there and I'm putting the mugs and I'm trying to keep it going. You did.

4:32🔗 Drew I got my coffee. I'm sure.

4:33🔗 Adam I got my coffee.

4:34🔗 Drew You wouldn't be here if you had.

4:35🔗 Adam Hell no. All right. Where are we? I got to talk to Stephanie real fast. She's got a problem with me. Stephanie.

4:41🔗 Drew It's not like you to pick a call like that.

4:42🔗 Adam What do you mean?

4:43🔗 Drew Usually you're like, whatever.

4:45🔗 Adam No, no. If I see anybody who's got a beef with me, I always want to get them out of the way. Stephanie, you're 15.

4:51🔗 Caller Yeah. Adam, I love that you're hilarious, but I wonder why you hate women. Thank you.

4:55🔗 Adam All right. Let's clear that up. I didn't know she wanted just to compliment me.

5:01🔗 Drew Doesn't look like that by what's up on the board.

5:03🔗 Adam I know. It says, why are you a chauvinist?

5:07🔗 Drew Maybe there's something to follow what her initial comment was.

5:09🔗 Adam She said she loved me.

5:11🔗 Drew Yeah, she did.

5:11🔗 I don't know.

5:13🔗 Adam I can't imagine there's more, maybe more praise. Stephanie? Yeah. All right. More compliments?

5:21🔗 Caller I don't know why you're always like hitting on women and you're always like, you know, they don't know anything. Like maybe you can call your show really stupid.

5:31🔗 Adam Well, look, here's the deal. I like the ladies. They're better at certain things.

5:38🔗 Drew Better most things.

5:39🔗 Adam No, no, no, really. So we've been talking, no, not most things. Not nearly.

5:43🔗 Drew You and I argue about this.

5:44🔗 Adam Not nearly most things.

5:45🔗 Drew Use more of their brain more of the time.

5:47🔗 Adam They use more of their brain like a handicapped person uses more of their wheelchair. You know, they have to try harder.

5:53🔗 Drew They're at a handicap.

5:55🔗 Adam No, they are. Look, here's the deal. Everyone always says this. Okay, here's what's going on. Women are great. Women do what they do well. And there's a handful of women that do what guys do well. A handful. In general, people say, how come guys get to be the president? How come guys get to be the generals? How come guys build the skyscrapers? How come? Why don't you ask yourself how come, baby? Because we're the ones to do it better. I mean, please.

6:24🔗 Drew Now you're going to get a million people saying, oh, women are kept down. Who kept them down? Historically, they've been, but not right now.

6:32🔗 Adam But they're so much smarter than we are. How do we get them down?

6:35🔗 Drew No, I don't say smarter.

6:36🔗 Adam Well, what are they?

6:37🔗 Drew They use more of their brain. They do stuff we can't do.

6:39🔗 Caller I just have a problem with this.

6:41🔗 A back bridge.

6:42🔗 Adam That's what they do.

6:43🔗 Caller You were like, oh, women don't have a brain. They just have like a chip. It's like the end-tock or whatever.

6:49🔗 Drew What were we talking about?

6:51🔗 Adam I don't know. Look, here's the deal. Women are, I would rather hang out with a lot of women I know than a lot of guys I know. I don't have a problem with a woman being president and all that kind of stuff. I just don't like it when we try to force this, everyone's exactly the same mentality down everyone's throat. I don't want to see a Nike commercial with a bunch of chick soccer players talking about how come their endorsement deals are nothing and Michael Jordan gets everything. Well, because we want to see Michael Jordan. That's why. Why do female runway models get 50 times what a male model gets? Because that's what we want to see. That's what's this. I don't make the rules. This is how it goes. Believe me, Elle McPherson made more modeling and Cindy Crawford made more modeling than any equivalent male model. Is it fair? No, it just is. Michael Jordan gets what he gets and whoever from the WNBA gets what she gets. That's how it goes. But you do find when you work with women that first off, every woman I've ever known has cried at work on at least five occasions. Shut up, Drew, and I've never known a guy who's cried at work.

8:03🔗 Drew I was just thinking-

8:03🔗 Adam They're emotional.

8:04🔗 Drew If men and women were actually-

8:06🔗 Adam They're better parents. They're not great. They're not as good in the workplace.

8:09🔗 It's the wrong gene.

8:11🔗 Drew There is an interesting thing. If men and women were exactly the same, there wouldn't be male and female leagues. Everyone would just compete in the same league, right?

8:19🔗 Adam Well, and also, why do we need, do you want cats and dogs to be the same? You want apples and oranges to be the same? You know, do you want every, really, do we want everything to be the same? I sort of like the diversity part. I mean, and it's like, it's like you go to dinner. You want, you get some fish one night and you get some chicken the next. You want everything just to be fish skin? It's my new animal. Chickish. Chickish. Yeah, it's fine. Listen, God love you ladies. Perfect. Don't change.

8:50🔗 Drew Better.

8:51🔗 Adam Don't change.

8:51🔗 Drew Better.

8:52🔗 Adam Yeah, and look, you guys live longer. So what's the beef?

8:54🔗 Drew Better.

8:56🔗 Adam No, they're not better than guys. Guys are better getting stuff done. They're just better at getting stuff done.

9:02🔗 Drew See this is why the women are better at what they do. Guys are better at being a-holes, better at being aggressive. You see what I'm saying? They are better at that. That's why we get the bad rap.

9:11🔗 Adam No, the guys are a little more realistic than women. They get the job done better than women.

9:16🔗 Drew More aggressive.

9:17🔗 Adam No, it's not about aggression. It's just, it's just they're, a woman will stop and sit down and start crying sometimes and say, I'm not gonna go on. Guys don't do that. Here's, here's my point. Guys can rally, chicks can't. Every guy I know has gone out, tied one on, stayed up till 4.30 in the morning and then got up at six and swung a hammer all day in the sun and has made it through the day. Woman wouldn't go into work that day. That's it. That's the gene. That's the only difference. And that's fine. They're not cut out that way. And that's a good thing. It makes them better whatever it is they do.

9:56🔗 Drew Is that the only difference? But that is a difference.

9:57🔗 Adam Yes, guys rally. There's no way your wife could do as many sub three hour sleep nights as you've done in the last five years. No possible way. And the same with my wife. It's impossible for them. All right. On the other hand, we couldn't have gotten as many massages as they've gotten and tolerated. I'm trying to be fair. Jesus Christ. Any massage every goddamn week? You don't find it ironic that you're the one who's sleeping for two and a half hours and hopping from plane to plane and college to college and doing all that and they're getting their fifth massage in as many days. How many massages you get last year, Drew?

10:35🔗 Drew Let me count. Say what? Say it's zero.

10:37🔗 Adam Yeah. There you go.

10:38🔗 Drew I think I got one. Oh, I got one. No, no, wait a minute. I took an exercise. I actually ran on the beach or something.

10:44🔗 Adam Yeah. Yeah, I didn't get the massage. I got the massage. Mark? I always think I'm gonna fart when I get a massage. Do you know what I mean?

10:54🔗 Drew It ruins everything, doesn't it?

10:55🔗 Adam You're relaxed. There's some hot rocks and steam and some guys like pushing down on your abdomen. You just got like a BLT for lunch. You know, you're freaked out.

11:05🔗 Oh man.

11:06🔗 Adam Mark?

11:06🔗 Drew That's relaxing, huh?

11:07🔗 Yeah, I just want to say once I complete my masters, I want to work for Jack Hole. Yeah.

11:12🔗 Yeah.

11:13🔗 Adam Yeah. Home of Crank Yankers, Tuesday Nights, Comedy Central. Go ahead, Mark.

11:19🔗 I had a quick question. When you were at the All-Star Game in Chicago, you were about to tell a story about Ed Kranepool and Dr. Drew interrupted it and went to the end and you never finished it. What?

11:28🔗 Adam Yeah.

11:28🔗 Do you remember that at all, the story? I've been waiting for it though.

11:32🔗 Adam Oh, oh, oh, yes. Yes, I do.

11:34🔗 Oh, you met him and he wasn't even there. He just didn't know the story.

11:37🔗 Adam Yeah, I remember that. Drew kept interrupting me and I started yelling at him and then we got off the topic. What topic was this? The whole night works that way. Thanks, Mark. When I did the all-star game, celebrity softball game in Chicago a few months back, Jimmy always, it's not a great story. It's just that there's a guy who used to play ball many years ago. He was a perennial all-star, I think, probably at four or five all-star seasons. We'll look him up. Ed Kranepool was a guy's name, played for the New York Mets. And I look so much like Ed Kranepool that when Jimmy put Ed Kranepool's picture up and said it for me, and said it was my birthday party, everyone thought the picture was of me, including my wife.

12:21🔗 Drew Wow.

12:22🔗 Adam Yeah, this picture from 1966.

12:24🔗 Drew Wow, interesting.

12:25🔗 Adam Yeah, pretty eerie. We'll look up Ed Kranepool.

12:28🔗 Drew So how do you look at 75?

12:29🔗 Adam I didn't see him. The point is, is somebody like Tommy Lasorda or Yogi Bear or some, I don't know, if they're dead or alive or Miss Ernie Banks, like Mr. Cubs or something, came up to me and said, you look exactly like Ed Kranepool. And of course, Jimmy went berserk. There's nothing better than serious validation of one of your looks like.

12:50🔗 Drew Yes. Like your thing with the Carter?

12:53🔗 Adam Yes. Shasta? What's up? You're 15?

13:03🔗 Drew If LSD was actually bad for you? Yes, it actually is known to kill brain cells, to destroy brain cells rather profoundly. And I treat people all the time who have depressions and panic and thinking problems the rest of their life from LSD. Yes, it does. But the way it does that, on route to doing that, it kills off a bunch of cells. That it causes something called excitotoxicity, that cells are stimulated in a way that causes the production of free radicals and those free radicals actually destroy the cells. It's actually thought, one of the theories is that the neurotransmitters themselves are released in such high quantities that they aren't able to be sort of processed normally and they turn into the free radical and kill off all the cells. So it's not the drug itself, but the effect of the drug. It's bad news, bad times, bad times. Go to any psychiatric hospital in the country and you'll see people with depressions.

13:58🔗 Adam She's not going there.

14:00🔗 Caller Adam, I respect your opinion and all that, but you're totally wrong. About women. Girls can do everything better than guys.

14:14🔗 Drew Everything? I wouldn't even say that.

14:16🔗 Adam No, not even close.

14:18🔗 Caller Pretty much.

14:19🔗 Adam No.

14:20🔗 Caller The only reason girls aren't president or any of that is because guys haven't gotten over it.

14:26🔗 Adam Listen, go look at the Hoover Dam. Go look at the Chrysler Building. Go look at the channel. Go look at these incredible engineering feats that were not only incredible math equations, but it took incredible strength and incredible technology. You know, it's like to bore under the English Channel for 20-something miles. I mean, it's just, there's no woman that has any hand in any of that.

14:51🔗 Drew How about this? How about this?

14:53🔗 Adam It's not in.

14:53🔗 Drew How about this?

14:54🔗 Adam It's fine.

14:54🔗 Drew That through history, the qualities that are uniquely superior in the male have served society well. Maybe there are specific qualities in the female, better at being a human being basically. Hear me out. That may yet for the future be more useful to what the rest of history holds for us than the male has been subsequently. Previously, rather.

15:19🔗 Adam No, look, here's the thing about women. They have the kids.

15:22🔗 Drew That's important.

15:23🔗 Adam It's important. We need them to continue on.

15:26🔗 Drew They have more males.

15:28🔗 Adam Yeah. Okay. We can dig more channels. No, look, women have the kids. They're the mothers. They make, they work well. They work well in many, many capacities, but they're not, they don't have as good a sense of humor as guys. They're not as smart as guys by and large. And they don't contribute as much to society as we know it. But in an unspoken way, maybe they do more.

15:55🔗 Drew Right, that's all I'm gonna say.

15:56🔗 Adam All right, I'll give them that. But if you're just saying better, like you're trying to sort of quantify it, it's not even close.

16:01🔗 Drew It's-

16:02🔗 Adam Obviously. That's all right. Look, as a woman, you're in good shape.

16:07🔗 Drew Talking to me specifically?

16:09🔗 Adam Yes, Drew. Wearing the skirt in your family. No, listen, my wife has a better life than I do. There's no doubt about that. Do you see what I'm saying?

16:19🔗 Drew I've seen what you're saying, yes.

16:25🔗 Adam OK.

16:25🔗 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

16:29🔗 Adam What what about the what about the animal world? All the sexes are exactly the same.

16:34🔗 Drew No, they're very different.

16:35🔗 Adam Oh, how could that be? How could how could the male polar bear and the female polar bear? Aren't their roles the same? Aren't they exactly the same in the same size? And are they perfectly equal? 50-50 insects, you know, one of them eats the other one or kills the other one. One of them is five times the size. The other one. I mean, in the world of nature, males and females are completely different oftentimes and have totally different functions.

17:00🔗 Drew What I love is that we differ from chimpanzees by 300 base pairs. We differ from females, males by an entire chromosome.

17:08🔗 Adam Right.

17:08🔗 Drew And we're talking about profound biological differences. A single unit of DNA.

17:13🔗 Adam Ah, nice. Yeah, look, there's big differences. It's all right.

17:18🔗 Drew Massive.

17:19🔗 Adam Yeah, that's fine. This is like there is in nature. And I agree with you. Society is set up. Yeah, the guys who are building the bridges and designing the cars, those are guys.

17:28🔗 Drew Women are basically better human beings. Really?

17:31🔗 Adam Well, no.

17:32🔗 Drew Basically, basically.

17:33🔗 Adam I was gonna go along with you on that, but they get together and they stab each other in the back, huh?

17:37🔗 Drew Or they're worse to each other, then they're horrible to each other.

17:40🔗 Adam Yeah, look, put it this way.

17:41🔗 Drew And good to each other.

17:43🔗 Adam Let's put it this way. I'm not gonna mention any names. Not gonna mention any names, but we all know a whole bunch of guys, like through radio. They all have their wives. And then they're the guys. The guys are much better than their wives.

17:56🔗 Drew Their wives are hateful.

17:58🔗 Adam Hateful. I'm not gonna mention any names. They possibly know who they are.

18:03🔗 They're hateful.

18:04🔗 Adam They just are. They're just subpar of what the guys are. The guys are much nicer, much better people. So that sort of part where, oh, they're just better people because we're busy building channels and they're better.

18:16🔗 That ain't, that.

18:17🔗 Drew What's a better people, better humans?

18:19🔗 Thanks for watching.

18:22🔗 Adam Yeah, some of them.

18:23🔗 Drew Wait, no, no, four was where we were going to.

18:26🔗 Adam Sorry about that.

18:43🔗 Drew I chose everything very carefully I did. And so when I get these criticisms, they really get you. They'll drive you crazy reading that Amazon. But when they're thoughtful, I can take criticisms. I don't mind it when it's thoughtful and sort of like, okay, I see what they're saying. And I agree with it sometimes. So anyway, what's going on?

19:02🔗 I had a question. Actually, I kind of noticed the whole AA, I'll call it the 12-step. The second step, which is acceptance and higher power.

19:11🔗 Drew The second and third step, yeah.

19:12🔗 Yeah, or second, third. I was just curious because I kind of struck me as odd considering how popular AA is. And yet I've never heard that before.

19:20🔗 Drew Well, it's a complicated issue. And I will tell you, most people, unfortunately, sort of paint that process or that part of AA with some sort of religious overtones. And it's not meant to be that way at all. Really, fundamentally, as a clinician, I believe fundamentally all it's trying to do is get you out of your own head. To get you to stop. Yeah, stop controlling everything and just have faith. Whatever faith means to you and for as many people, having a very elaborate sense of that faith and a real truly elaborate relationship with some concept of some power higher than themselves becomes very important for them. And it's interesting when people don't have a ton of motivation to get well from addiction, if they don't believe they're going to die, if they don't believe they're going to lose anything, everything, the other thing that gets them sort of in the recovery process is some sort of spiritual awakening and they'll talk about it very vividly as God stepping in. I don't know what that is, it's something, and it seems to be important for people with this disease. No, it's got a plan. God's got a plan? The plan is no plan. That's one of the important things for people to realize. It's not your plan. It's just to have faith that there's things you can't control and that's it. And things will be okay in spite of that. That's all it is.

20:38🔗 Adam You got a hopscotch around the United States trying to make a nickel and your wife's gotta get a massage. I think that's-

20:44🔗 Drew That's God's plan.

20:45🔗 Adam Seems to be.

20:46🔗 Drew She can't control it.

20:47🔗 Adam It appears that's the way it's going. Casey?

20:53🔗 Yeah.

20:53🔗 Adam You're 21?

20:55🔗 Caller Yep.

20:56🔗 Adam What's up?

20:57🔗 Caller Just wanna say I love you guys. Listen to your show.

21:00🔗 Adam Thanks Casey.

21:02🔗 Caller Actually I called in with this question. You gave me some answers on what could happen from excessive masturbation. But you didn't really get into on those things.

21:17🔗 Drew Why is that sounding so weird?

21:19🔗 Adam Being off now?

21:20🔗 Caller Oh no, actually my phone's about to go dead.

21:22🔗 All right. Okay.

21:24🔗 Adam So the question is, is what's wrong with excessive masturbation?

21:28🔗 Caller You know, what can happen? Oh, as you say, there are no free lunches and, you know, and just. All right.

21:36🔗 Adam Listen, hang up and listen to Drew and my answer on the radio. Well, Now let's discuss your no free lunch in nature theory.

21:47🔗 Drew Right. You can't get something for nothing. And masturbation, eventually you're gonna cause prostatitis or skin problems or urethritis.

21:55🔗 Adam Hold on a second. Masturbation doesn't fall under that heading of no free lunches in nature.

22:02🔗 Drew You're not doing something pharmacological, but you may be abusing a part of your body, or demanding more of it than they can deliver.

22:08🔗 Adam Right, but that's not what you're thinking about when you say no free lunches. You're saying, not even really at all. Well, what you're saying is you take the steroids, you get the big muscles, and then later on you get erectile difficulty.

22:21🔗 Drew Exactly.

22:22🔗 Adam You take the pill to, keeps your hair and your ass explodes, you know. There's, it's like a Rubik's Cube. You turn it, you line something up. It screws something else up.

22:33🔗 Drew We're talking about.

22:34🔗 Adam We're not talking about beating off.

22:35🔗 Drew Yeah, we're talking about messing with nature in that case. This isn't so much that.

22:38🔗 Adam Or almost trying to dominate it or outsmart it.

22:41🔗 Drew Right, and extra physiologic. This is still within the room.

22:44🔗 Adam Mother nature, by the way. See?

22:45🔗 Drew See, she's better.

22:46🔗 Adam See, you girls get to do something. You control the floor and the fauna.

22:50🔗 Drew And the most significant thing with chronic masturbation is that it can become a compulsion, it can become an addiction, and it can sort of steer you away from productive aspects of your life and become a way of managing feelings that need to be sort of processed in a more mature way. It just sends you down a path that's very primitive, let's put it that way.

23:09🔗 Adam Yeah. Well, what'd he say? He's 21. Wait, what is he, 21? Yeah, he's 21. Whatever you're doing, why don't you try to cut it in half?

23:19🔗 Drew I think once a day is a reasonable goal.

23:21🔗 Adam Whoa.

23:22🔗 Drew I know, it's tough to think about that. Yeah, another thing men are better at right there.

23:26🔗 Adam Oh yeah. All right, we'll take ourselves a little break. When we come back, Amber wants to know, I'm gonna belch up some Indian food. Amber? You wanna know why guys like to do in the butt? Hold on, hold on, slow down, slow down.

23:52🔗 Drew I have big notes here.

23:55🔗 Adam Say it starts with the sucking or that's the middle part?

24:01🔗 Sucking, hold on, shut up, shut up.

24:04🔗 Adam So hold on, I'm not Evelyn Wood over here.

24:06🔗 Remember her?

24:09🔗 Drew Yes.

24:09🔗 Adam Speed reader. Nobody else though. Sucking, starting with the sucking, going on to what?

24:14🔗 Drew Adam is headed his page, porno, yes. Then second, Amber?

24:19🔗 Yeah.

24:20🔗 Adam All right, hang on a second, baby doll.

24:23🔗 Whatever.

24:23🔗 Adam Right, the girls are just as smart. Amber's, yeah. Should we have some basic math? Let's just have, let me just do one quick question.

24:33🔗 Drew She's 26, come on.

24:38🔗 Adam Let me just ask Amber real fast. Amber. What is six times 11?

24:47🔗 66.

24:50🔗 Adam Yeah, all right, just checking.

24:52🔗 Caller I'm mildly mentally retarded though.

24:55🔗 What?

24:55🔗 Adam You're mildly retarded? Oh, now I'm going to hell for sure. You can't be that retarded.

25:02🔗 Drew No, I'm pretty good. I'm not that bad.

25:04🔗 Adam Well, you got 66, but faster most. Well, I want to give you an easy one, but still I'll tell you, I know some gals would have taken a little longer on that one. You're not mildly retarded. Now, but now hold on a second, all right? I think it's almost better to be retarded than mildly retarded.

25:30🔗 Drew Yeah, you get disability more easily, I suppose, if you're ever SSI.

25:34🔗 Adam The sympathy of society too. Mildly retarded is like when people announce they're dyslexic, it's almost like, yeah, you're just lazy and stupid. You don't want to read.

25:43🔗 Drew But that's not him. I bet maybe Amber had a head injury or something.

25:47🔗 Adam Pow, 66, like an Asian.

25:50🔗 Drew Imagine that, like a fourth grader.

25:51🔗 Adam Yeah, oh, come on, Drew, in my circle, that's quite an achievement.

25:55🔗 Drew All right. Like I said.

25:56🔗 Adam We're going to take ourselves a little break. We'll get back with Amber. We'll find out what goes on in porn movies after the sucking, between the sucking and the butt love, after this.

26:07🔗 Caller Hello, is this your radio?

26:13🔗 As many as one in three Americans with HIV don't know it. To find a testing location near you, call toll-free 1-866-344-K-N-O-W.

26:26🔗 Adam Hey, everybody. It's Love Line, I'm Adam. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Jack Black is going to be in here a little bit later in the week.

26:38🔗 Drew You know, I saw School of Rock for the second time this weekend.

26:43🔗 Adam Why? Your kids made you come? Yeah. They wanted to see it for a second time?

26:46🔗 Drew Two of them saw it and then didn't see the end because we have a long story.

26:51🔗 Adam Your wife would need a massage?

26:53🔗 Drew No, there was a piano. They have a piano recital. Oh, poor thing. And then my daughter wanted to see it yesterday. Yeah, no recitals. Hey, they're good.

27:02🔗 Adam All right. But look, can't you drop those kids off?

27:06🔗 Drew For the movies? Not yet. Not yet.

27:07🔗 Adam Not quite.

27:09🔗 Drew Oh, yeah, just about that. I went and saw it. While they were watching that, I went and saw Mystic River. And talk about.

27:16🔗 Adam How old are your kids?

27:17🔗 Drew Ten. And wait a minute. Let's take Mystic River for a second. It'll be 11 in a couple of weeks. But it's all about sexual abuse.

27:27🔗 Adam Good times.

27:28🔗 Drew Good times.

27:29🔗 Adam Brought the kids to see Mystic River.

27:31🔗 Drew Oh, so intense.

27:32🔗 Adam Heard it's good.

27:33🔗 Drew So intense. Well done.

27:35🔗 Adam And listen, let me just say this, though. With the three of them together, you drop them off, you put them into the theater, tell us, come right off.

27:41🔗 Drew You know, I probably could with them, but you know, we worry about their, the friend's parents and are they OK with that and stuff?

27:47🔗 Adam They had a bunch of good times with them. Oh, those kids. What a goddamn life those kids have.

27:52🔗 Drew It's true.

27:53🔗 Adam Oh, busy, though.

27:55🔗 Drew Yeah.

27:55🔗 Adam Too busy.

27:56🔗 Drew Yeah.

27:56🔗 Adam Leave them alone. Let them make their own fun. They got to use their imagination, Drew.

28:00🔗 Foil.

28:01🔗 Adam You know, let me just say something.

28:02🔗 Drew I'll send them in and they're playing with a bunch of foil.

28:04🔗 Adam I'm telling you, and I say this, and I hope it's, I hope you take it in the spirit which is intended.

28:10🔗 Drew I can't wait.

28:12🔗 You're going to screw those kids up.

28:15🔗 Adam Four out of the three are going to go gay. That's number one. I know it sounds like incredible math.

28:21🔗 Drew And number two?

28:21🔗 Adam No, here's, no, here's what it is. You think as a parent that you have to expose them to so much and stimulate like, like, like their mind. It's just, it's this ravenous, hungry machine that has to be fed.

28:33🔗 Drew I'm not like that.

28:34🔗 Adam Yes. You say you're not like that, except for your actions.

28:37🔗 Drew Well, compared to some, I'm, I'm pretty low key.

28:39🔗 Adam Yeah. Against the, the insane A type lunatics you hang out with. Yeah, of course you, you hang out with all these uber parents with their, you know, kids that are, you know, mastering the cello by the second grade here. Let me tell you something. What's good for a kid every once in a while. Let them use their imagination.

28:59🔗 Drew Yeah.

29:00🔗 Adam Just let them occupy themselves. Tell them to get busy.

29:02🔗 Drew Absolutely.

29:03🔗 Adam Let them run around a little bit.

29:04🔗 Drew I totally.

29:05🔗 Adam Because here's the whole thing. You end up most of your life is just sort of.

29:10🔗 Drew And listen to this.

29:11🔗 Adam There's not much going on.

29:12🔗 Drew There's another part. We go on these trips where I give lecture series and stuff. We have the kids stuff is exquisitely packed with stuff and, you know, you think you're going on a family trip, except you sort of you let your kids off at eight in the morning, you see them again at eight at night. And we, we sort of add on a family piece to that trip where we spend time alone with them for like three or four days and they're, they're miserable doing those three or four days with us. And it takes like a week to kind of get used to being part of a family.

29:38🔗 Yeah. Yeah.

29:39🔗 Adam I mean, everything's relative as a kid. I mean, going to Disneyland is stupendous if you go once every five years. But if you go 10 times a year, ain't no big thing. That's all this Disneyland doesn't change. You just change.

29:56🔗 Drew We just lost Amber, who wanted to know about the anal sex thing.

29:59🔗 Adam Oh, she was mildly retarded. Hmm.

30:03🔗 Drew I got kind of a weird feeling when you were making fun of this poor woman.

30:07🔗 Adam Well, I don't know. I was making fun of her. I asked her a math question and she got it. Lickety split.

30:12🔗 Drew It's true.

30:13🔗 Adam Hey, if that's retarded, count me in. That's all I'm saying. She wanted to know why all guys want the butt love.

30:20🔗 Drew Yeah.

30:20🔗 Adam I really don't think it's all guys. No, I think there's a handful of guys that are ruining it for the other guy.

30:27🔗 Drew They must be the porn sort of consuming people because that industry is going that way, right?

30:34🔗 Adam Not really.

30:35🔗 Drew No. But our callers talk about it all the time and say that's always part of it. You've mentioned it too.

30:39🔗 Adam There's that wing of the porn industry.

30:41🔗 Drew But it's not in everyone.

30:42🔗 Adam It's been around for a while. No, I don't think it's in everyone. I'm just saying there's a handful of guys and they make a little more noise. They have a strong lobby, the analysts. They're a very powerful lobby. They're like the NRA. I don't know what percentage of people own guns or are in the NRA, but when it comes time to vote, we got to go that direction. Even though they represent a very small minority of Americans, still, we got to vote that direction. They make a lot of noise.

31:12🔗 Drew They have a strong, anal lobby.

31:14🔗 Adam Strong, anal lobby. Very strong, anal lobby.

31:17🔗 Drew Chris likes the anal lobby.

31:19🔗 He's up for that.

31:21🔗 Adam I'll tell you though, what happened is one day when the anal lobby met in a hall of Congress with the Black Caucus, oh, that was a bad, bad afternoon when the, when the, when the anal lobby gets together with the big swinging Black Caucus, that is, that's a train wreck there, Drew. Have you ever seen the big swinging Black Caucus?

31:46🔗 Drew Not not seen it. No, I've heard of it.

31:48🔗 Adam It's a powerful caucus. It would, it'll tear you in half that caucus.

31:54🔗 Drew I stayed in the hotel when I was in DC last time with the Black Caucus. Where the term lobbyist was invented because the lobby of that hotel is a hangout in the lobby.

32:03🔗 Adam I'll tell you, sometimes you'll see the Black Caucus down there late at night in that lobby cruising for an analyst. Any port in a storm, Doug, Doug.

32:13🔗 Yeah. Yeah, I got a question.

32:28🔗 So that's why I'm 12 inches.

32:29🔗 All right.

32:31🔗 Adam Center of the anus to just past the head.

32:33🔗 Just past. Are you measuring it from the top or underneath or where are you coming from?

32:40🔗 Adam Well, obviously.

32:41🔗 Drew He wants to push the nuts aside and go through the nuts.

32:44🔗 Adam If I'm going from the center of the anus to just past the tip, I can't be going from the top, can I?

32:50🔗 Drew No, if if I'm going around my shoulder, if you want to go by the technique that others have used, other than the Corolla method, you would go from the top to the tip on the top side, the superior side.

33:01🔗 Adam Yeah, I mean, I do it, you know, from the abdomen to the tip, right? And you know, no wedging at India.

33:09🔗 Drew Yeah, no, you're not allowed to make an incision, insert the ruler into your abdomen.

33:13🔗 Adam You're allowed to just slide it along the top of the erect penis and bump. You know, and sometimes people do that like, well, is that erect or whatever? But is anyone ever measured the penis when it wasn't erect?

33:25🔗 Drew No, I don't think so either. Even a given individual's non erect penis can have quite a range.

33:32🔗 Adam Oh, yeah.

33:32🔗 Drew From a tortoise with the head pulled in.

33:35🔗 Adam Right. To Corolla swinging black caucus. Right. Yeah. No, it's true. They range, ladies. Let me tell you what. Jessica. You're 14.

33:49🔗 Drew What's up?

33:52🔗 Caller Well, I was wondering if poor sleeping pills can kill you.

33:56🔗 Drew Which pills?

33:59🔗 Caller They're my mom's. They're small, like pink ones.

34:03🔗 Adam Small pink ones. Well, what are the pink ones, Drew?

34:05🔗 Drew I have no idea. Maybe Ambien? What?

34:11🔗 Caller That sounds kind of familiar.

34:13🔗 Adam Are they prescription?

34:17🔗 Drew Well, here's what will kill you. Wanting to kill yourself. That's a deadly thought. If you're having that thought, you need to tell somebody.

34:26🔗 Adam Why, you want to kill yourself, Jessica?

34:28🔗 Caller Yeah.

34:29🔗 Adam Why?

34:33🔗 Drew Oh, come. What happened?

34:35🔗 Caller I don't know, I just keep on doing this to myself where I just screw myself over.

34:42🔗 I don't know.

34:44🔗 Drew We don't know. So give us an example of something that happened.

34:47🔗 Caller Well, one of my friends was like completely in love with this guy and I ended up hooking up with him and then she got mad at me for like two months and I worked my, like I worked so hard to get her to forgive me and then I did it again like two days after she forgave me. The same guy.

35:08🔗 Drew Have you been in a hospital before?

35:09🔗 Caller Not for anything like that. For like freaking me.

35:16🔗 Adam Not for cheating.

35:17🔗 Drew Have you, have you, do you see a psychiatrist or a psychologist? Alright, you need to call that person and get them back involved with you again, okay?

35:27🔗 Adam She doesn't know that person.

35:29🔗 Drew Do you have that number still?

35:30🔗 Caller Um, I don't think so.

35:32🔗 Drew Do you have the, do you know the name? Could you call information? That sort of thing?

35:35🔗 Caller Um, maybe.

35:36🔗 Adam How about your mom? How do you get along with her?

35:41🔗 Caller Um, alright.

35:43🔗 Drew Dad gone?

35:44🔗 Caller What?

35:47🔗 Adam Right. Where, where's Daly City? Up north of San, is that San Francisco? Oh man, that's a nice area.

35:59🔗 Caller It's one of the worst areas.

36:01🔗 Adam Really? Where do you guys live? In a house or an apartment? Well, that sounds all right. Why is that Daly City such a bad? I thought Daly City was a nice area. Come on out. Let me show you my Sun Valley.

36:20🔗 You want to kill yourself?

36:22🔗 Adam There's where you kill yourself.

36:23🔗 Drew So, Jessica, it's obvious that you're sort of contemplating these sorts of things. It might happen someday that you impulsively do something and you really hurt yourself. You don't have to suffer. The fact that you're thinking this way is a sign of just how severe your depression is. You've got to do something about this. This is a life-threatening problem. Twenty percent of people with depression die from the depression at their own hands.

36:46🔗 Adam Do you have any friends? How about them? Why don't you talk to some of them?

36:52🔗 Caller I have, but I mean a lot of them are mad at me, too.

36:55🔗 All right.

36:57🔗 Adam Well, look, here's the thing. Everybody's miserable when they're 14 years old. And you don't, you know, you think it's going to go on forever this way and then one minute it's just you turn the page and it's a blink of the eye. You just talk to your friends, talk to your counselor. Can you talk to your mom? I don't think that would work to just tell her, you know, you're feeling depressed.

37:24🔗 Drew Does your mom drink?

37:25🔗 Caller No, she doesn't actually.

37:28🔗 Drew What's with the sleeping pills?

37:31🔗 Caller She doesn't sleep at all.

37:33🔗 Adam What's your mom? What's she do? What's her work? Bad times.

37:41🔗 Drew All right.

37:41🔗 Adam So what did you tell her to do, Drew?

37:43🔗 Drew To call the psychologist who she had been seeing get back involved with her again.

37:47🔗 Adam Okay, and Jessica, aren't you into anything that you like stuff? What do you like?

38:02🔗 Drew All right.

38:03🔗 Adam Some physical activity would be good for you right now, but don't do it at the same time.

38:06🔗 Drew No, not writing and basketball at the same time. But commit to us. You're going to do something. Okay?

38:13🔗 Adam Jessica, come on.

38:14🔗 Drew Will you give us commitment that you'll do something for yourself? Give us that commitment. Come on. Yes?

38:24🔗 Adam All right.

38:25🔗 Drew Just whatever that is, you're not going to hurt yourself tonight.

38:27🔗 Adam You have to start writing. And look, here's the thing. If you want your friends to like you, you got to act in such a way to get them to like you. I mean, if you're going to screw them over.

38:39🔗 Drew Well, she feels so bad about herself. She has to recapitulate that and recreate that in all of her relationships.

38:44🔗 Adam Make people feel that way.

38:45🔗 Drew That's right.

38:45🔗 All right. All right.

38:46🔗 Adam Take care of yourself, Jessica.

38:47🔗 Drew By the way, just a general direction for everybody. When you have feelings, you don't have to have everyone else feeling those feelings on your behalf. That will screw you up. Right?

38:57🔗 Adam Yes.

38:57🔗 Drew You're angry. You don't have to get angry at other people or make them feel your misery. That will just make them angry back.

39:03🔗 Adam Right. But you don't have to kick your own ass either if you feel angry.

39:08🔗 Drew Well, that is what gets their ass kicked. It's very revoking those crap in other people.

39:11🔗 Adam No, but I mean, you don't have to turn in on yourself on everything, too. No.

39:15🔗 Drew Right.

39:15🔗 Adam I mean, it's a weird.

39:16🔗 Drew That's the other way of doing that.

39:17🔗 Adam We got to go to break. But let me just say, you know, people do too much of either not owning anything like, hey, I have no fault, no copability in this situation or just drinking it all in. There's a there's a happy balance there somewhere. Figure it's your fault. That doesn't make you a bad person. Learn from it. Move on. We'll be back after this. Hey everybody. Love Line.

40:00🔗 Caller I'm Adam.

40:01🔗 Adam That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1. Be a good night to play a little Germany or Florida.

40:09🔗 Drew Every night is a good night for that, isn't it?

40:20🔗 Adam Yeah. We're having a little trouble with the board here. But Drew knows his way around a computer.

40:26🔗 Drew We're good.

40:26🔗 Adam I'll tell you what. He just punched that up for us, and...

40:30🔗 Drew I've become more nerd with each passing year, haven't I?

40:33🔗 Adam Yeah.

40:34🔗 Drew What is that?

40:35🔗 Adam I don't know, but speaking of nerd, I went to the Mac store today.

40:42🔗 Drew Oh, I love that.

40:43🔗 Adam To pick up something for the iPod.

40:47🔗 Drew The Pasadena, where were you?

40:48🔗 Adam I was in Glendale. And talk about calling all nerds. Holy Christ. I mean, I've never been into a computer store. I've never been to a Mac store. Like I normally go into like, only stores I really go to is like tool stores and hardware stores and car related stuff. Holy mother Christ. It was nerds on parade over there. Just...

41:13🔗 Drew Cool nerds though.

41:16🔗 Adam Guys in their 40s with ponytails and fanny packs, you know. And I'm always amazed by the way, how nobody knows anything about anything. Even the guy who works at the Mac store knows nothing about anything. I just wanted one of those, I got one of those iPods. They're great, hold like 3000 songs. Everything's cool. But again, everything today is made out of polished titanium and has no drag co-efficiency and is like liquid mercury. Like my cell phone is like a goddamn toboggan. Like you can't hold on to it with one hand.

41:55🔗 Drew It's like a trout or something.

41:56🔗 It is a trout.

41:58🔗 Adam If you set it on the passenger seat of your car and you go around just a mild corner, it will go flying like someone just hit a slap shot from center-eye. Everything is so goddamn slick. It all looks great, but you literally can't hold on to it. You put it in your pocket, you bend over, it goes flying out, everything is flying everywhere. I'm gluing Velcro to everything now because it just goes sailing everywhere. Those iPods are like just stamped out of one piece of polished titanium with no corners, no sharp edges, no, not even any, it's not serrated, there's no grips, you can't hang on to them. So I want to get one of those little clips like he had snapped into the whatever, but there's two kinds. There's the old kind, the kind I got, and then there's the new kind, and then there's the clip. And you know, you're saying to the guy, is this clip gonna work on both of them or is this just for the new one?

42:50🔗 Uh, uh, Ted, Ted, uh, yeah.

42:54🔗 Adam Ted comes up.

42:56🔗 Uh, yeah, this, uh, uh, uh, Larry. Larry, yeah, Larry comes up. Yeah, uh, Sheila, yeah, come up. Yeah, is this thing gonna work on both those?

43:06🔗 Adam And then I like when they give you this one where they go, well, like, you know, I guess if you spread the prongs out wide enough, you probably get that.

43:13🔗 Oh yeah.

43:14🔗 Adam Yeah. No ass. Yeah. If I had a goddamn blow torch. If I, if I, if I, if I, if I could do some just quick metal fabrication.

43:22🔗 Yeah, sure. I could get, yeah.

43:23🔗 Adam Roll a duct tape and a blow torch. I get this thing to stay.

43:26🔗 Yeah. I know I'm buying it though.

43:28🔗 Adam I want to know if it's for this one or not.

43:30🔗 Yeah. Gee, I don't know. Really?

43:32🔗 Adam It's really, how, how does it happen that I'm always the first guy to bring every, every question up?

43:37🔗 Really?

43:38🔗 Adam You just, you don't know. What, where are you working? What's going on? What are you doing?

43:42🔗 How come?

43:43🔗 Adam Should be very, by the way, with, you know, a 10 million of one kind in circulation and five million of the other in circulation, it'd be a common question when something comes up. Is it for this one or is it for that one?

43:54🔗 Drew You might think.

43:54🔗 Adam No, no, not five guys. Nobody knows. Oh, and again, I love the kind of setting. I guess you could spread it out. And if you bet, you know, you have any lineman dikes? If you have lineman dikes, probably cut through that metal, get it to stay. And then you just put a self tapping screw to the side. I'll go right into it.

44:12🔗 Yeah. Okay.

44:14🔗 Adam Eddie?

44:15🔗 Yes.

44:16🔗 Adam You're 17?

44:17🔗 Caller Yeah.

44:18🔗 Adam What's up, Stoner?

44:22🔗 Drew Oh yeah.

44:24🔗 Caller Yeah.

44:27🔗 Drew Yes, you do, buddy. Yes, you do.

44:30🔗 Adam Only took us.

44:32🔗 Drew Four seconds?

44:33🔗 Adam 0.4 seconds.

44:35🔗 Drew What's up?

44:36🔗 Caller Well, anyway, I was callin the, like Jessica, my girl just called in a couple minutes ago.

44:42🔗 Drew Yeah, depression, yeah.

44:43🔗 Caller Well, like, if she likes writing and everything, write whatever she's feeling down. I mean, I struggle with the same thing she's gone through.

44:55🔗 Drew Well, that's good advice, Eddie, and let me sort of pile on and suggest to you that unfortunately one of the side effects of regular marijuana use, aside from the fact that it changes your whole sort of demeanor. I understand, but it makes people, it over, eventually it makes people profoundly depressed and when you try to stop, the depression gets even worse. So it's something that needs to be dealt with, Eddie. Your depression, although the writing may have relieved some of the issues for a short period of time, the biology of the pot is going to make it, is going to overwhelm things.

45:26🔗 Adam Drew's punched his microphone, but a new record, 53 minutes and four seconds into the show.

45:32🔗 Drew Did you notice a special technique this time?

45:34🔗 Adam I did, I did, I did a back move.

45:37🔗 Drew Spun the mic, I had to chase it to stay with it. Usually I just hit it straight on.

45:41🔗 Adam Yeah, Drew, yeah, Drew usually jabs the mic, but this was a haymaker. Yeah, this was a hook. Yeah, that's sweet. And it's spun, spun his opponent or mic. Drew looks at his mic as the opponent. Don't you know, Drew? Yeah. Of course.

45:59🔗 Drew What do you consider yours?

46:02🔗 Adam Myself, I'm my own, you know.

46:04🔗 Drew You're my own opponent?

46:05🔗 Adam I compete with me.

46:06🔗 Drew Yeah, of course.

46:06🔗 Adam Yeah, that's all that matters. I like when people always repeat that crappy mantra. Hey, that's all, you know, I got to ultimately, I got to answer myself out there in that field. You know what I'm saying, Drew? Yeah.

46:18🔗 Drew That's BS. Anyway, we got to break.

46:20🔗 Adam Oh, we do? New York Marathon run today, yes?

46:23🔗 Drew Really?

46:23🔗 Adam Let me get, let me do some. Kenyon's won.

46:26🔗 Drew No.

46:26🔗 Adam Yeah.

46:27🔗 Drew I'm shocked.

46:28🔗 Adam Shocking, is it not?

46:30🔗 Drew Ah, I guess it's in Canada. Okay, well, I'll explain something.

46:36🔗 Adam Male and female. Yeah. Every year.

46:39🔗 Drew Yeah.

46:40🔗 Adam And the first 30 people to cross the line are Kenyonans. And believe me, there's somebody who's still running now on hour 15 and we're clapping and calling this man a hero. I say he's clogging up the New York City streets. And again, I know we're going to break. Here's the thing. If you, here's my rule, cause it's going to come up out here again. If you can't finish your marathon in under six hours, you can't run a marathon.

47:05🔗 Drew Just for state of argument.

47:06🔗 Adam You can't run a marathon. Do you see what I'm saying? All right, we got to break. We'll be back.

47:12🔗 Caller All right guys, here's the deal.

47:14🔗 Caller Look in the hookup, call the date line.

47:16🔗 Caller Stick a waste in time with the wrong person.

47:18🔗 Caller Call the date line. Call the date line. Date.

47:53🔗 Hey, everybody, it's Loveline.

47:54🔗 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-LOVE-191. Jack Black's coming in here a little bit later this week. Also, the Ataris are gonna be here a little bit too. And Anne writes in our Mascara, Anne writes in a very weak pen. It puts it up on the board, so there's no possible way it can be read by a human being.

48:18🔗 Drew It says Bow Wow Wow.

48:19🔗 Adam Yeah, it does, doesn't it? You just know that because that's what it says.

48:24🔗 Drew I lean forward and sign.

48:25🔗 Adam Yeah, but you were clued in on it.

48:27🔗 Drew No, no.

48:27🔗 Adam Only the last week we had.

48:28🔗 Drew Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I had, right. I think it meant tonight. No, not tonight. No, if I had never heard it, yes, I would not have picked that out.

48:33🔗 Adam Right, all right. Let me say this about, you know, I want things standardized, Drew.

48:40🔗 Drew Everything. Yeah. Yeah.

48:42🔗 Adam Yeah, everyone's looking for individualism. I want everything to be the same. I want every shower handle to be the same. When I go to a hotel, I want it to be exactly the same as the one at my house.

48:55🔗 Drew Yeah.

48:56🔗 Adam And the same as the one at my house.

48:57🔗 Drew Why not?

48:58🔗 Adam Why not? Let's all just vote on the one that works and then I won't have to stand naked out with my hand hung in there, figuring out, trying to figure out what's going on in there. You burn yourself or it's freezing because some of them have two things and some have a joystick and some of you got to pull the thing out and then turn it and some of you go to the left, it's hot, the right, whatever. Let's just agree on one. Let me say this, Drew. Imagine if computer keyboards and typewriters were all just whatever. Catch is catch can. Whatever you like. Some are in alphabetical order, others it's the Q-W-E-R thing. They're all over the place. There's many different ones as there's computers. Can you imagine how horrible that would be?

49:39🔗 Yes.

49:40🔗 Adam It is basically that with everything else. I want the windshield wiper knob on every car in the same place.

49:46🔗 Let's just look.

49:47🔗 Adam It's easy. The gas is on the right. Clutch is in the middle. Brakes on the left. No, wait a minute. Wait a minute, the clutch is on the left.

49:57🔗 Drew Brakes the middle.

49:57🔗 Adam All right, but here's the point. It's the same on every car. Why? It has to be. It's easier. You'd just be, you'd be effing up nonstop if it wasn't, right? Why is the wish, why is the light switch in the windshield wiper thing? Why is that so different? You know what I'm saying? Let's just put them all in the same goddamn place.

50:16🔗 Drew Of course.

50:17🔗 Adam I want all microwaves calibrated the same. I don't wanna go, every time I stare at the microwaves, like 22 seconds could be 22 hours in someone else's microwave or vice versa or whatever the hell. I want those all the same. I wanna know if I hit a minute, it's just gonna come out the same temperature. And now here's what this is leading up to. Was over Jimmy's house today watching football. Buddy Daniel's nice enough to pick up a bunch of sandwiches. But this happens, happens at the writers meeting at Jimmy's all time. Sandwiches show up all the time. They're always wrapped up. And then they have these cryptic codes on the top of them. This one says FF. What is that? I don't know. And everyone's gotta rip everything open.

50:58🔗 Drew It said FF?

50:59🔗 Adam No, they say everything. Because here's the thing. This is, this sandwich, it's not the sub sandwich, it's the Godfather. You see what I mean? So it says, it says GF on it. And what the F does that mean? I'm just saying, if it's a turkey and cheese, it's TC. You see what I'm saying?

51:18🔗 Drew We need a universal code.

51:18🔗 Adam It needs to be universal sandwich labeling. We don't have to tear everything open, like we're pack rats trying to figure out what the hell's going on underneath everything. As everyone does, everyone's like, mine just says PM. I don't know what that, does anyone know what that, and then people start guessing.

51:36🔗 I think it's pimento, pimento and-

51:39🔗 Drew Meatball.

51:40🔗 Adam And meatball, I don't know, and then they start tearing it open. Universal label. Start with the sandwiches. Easy enough?

51:46🔗 Drew Yeah, and then go to the cars. Work away that will be all.

51:49🔗 Adam If somebody said, look, we polled 100 ergonomic specialists and automotive engineers who said, this is the best place to put the light switch, it's on the left next to the clicker. Would you be all right with that?

52:01🔗 Would you fire off a letter to your congressman?

52:03🔗 Drew Not democratic, though, Adam.

52:05🔗 Adam And same with the windshield wipers. There's nothing more embarrassing than you hopping into the rental car and you think you're flipping on the lights and the windshield wipers going. Is it Drew? Yes.

52:15🔗 Drew Yes. I'm with you.

52:18🔗 Adam See, Drew's with me, everybody. David? 23?

52:24🔗 Caller Sorry?

52:26🔗 Adam 23 years of age. What's up?

52:28🔗 Caller Well, my question is how easy it is to guess an STD from licking the fingers after fingering the girl.

52:38🔗 Drew Licking the fingers.

52:39🔗 Adam Licking the fingers.

52:40🔗 Caller Yeah. Like I was trying to get her in more ways because she was actually, she dried up after like a three quarters of an hour, you know?

52:47🔗 Adam Three quarters of an hour of finger blasting and she dried up.

52:51🔗 Drew 23.

52:52🔗 And she already, she already came like once and like, you know, what's the accent here?

52:58🔗 Adam Gaelic or something. Where are you from, son?

53:03🔗 Caller I am originally from or where I'm living now.

53:06🔗 Drew Now where you originally, where's the accent from?

53:08🔗 Caller Ireland.

53:09🔗 Drew Ireland. You said Gaelic. Good. All right.

53:12🔗 Adam So you see, let me explain how we do things out here in the good old US of A. We don't finger bang for an hour.

53:23🔗 Caller Well, with this was, okay, right?

53:27🔗 We have, just hear me out.

53:29🔗 Drew Part of the universal code that Adam's created.

53:32🔗 Yeah.

53:33🔗 Adam We, 14 minute, that is the ceiling on finger banging of any good American.

53:40🔗 Caller Me and my wife, you don't understand why it was 45 minutes. Me and my wife, we were with this couple and we got drunk now, right? Me and my wife and her friends decided to ask me to join them, all right? And the only thing I could do was finger.

53:55🔗 Uh-huh.

53:57🔗 Adam You mean, that was the rule?

53:59🔗 Caller That was the rule, you know? So I could just keep fingering. My wife was fingering her at the same time, which is pretty cool. That was like the first time for me, you know?

54:07🔗 Adam It sounds exciting, but after about minute 40, I'd be thinking, this is more of a punishment than it is a prize, you know?

54:14🔗 Drew He and his wife attacking a woman?

54:16🔗 Adam You and your wife?

54:17🔗 Caller I'm sorry?

54:18🔗 Adam You and your wife both with the fingers in the same pie?

54:23🔗 Caller Well, she was more on the clip than I was going inside.

54:27🔗 Adam Sure.

54:28🔗 Drew Of course.

54:29🔗 Adam Yeah, that's how we do it. Actually, it's the other way around. I work the clip, my wife does the blasting.

54:35🔗 Drew This is bogus.

54:36🔗 Adam Really?

54:36🔗 Drew Totally bogus.

54:37🔗 Adam It is?

54:38🔗 Caller I'm sorry?

54:39🔗 Adam Why? Why is it bogus?

54:40🔗 Drew All right, keep going.

54:41🔗 Adam So anyway, you licked your fingers.

54:45🔗 Caller My wife is curious, because my wife is a bit of a hypochondriac and she's afraid that... Yeah.

54:50🔗 Adam Oh, hold on a second.

54:51🔗 Drew It sounds like the behavior of a hypochondriac.

54:54🔗 Adam Yeah. It's just going to dig right into the snatch. That's what the hypochondriacs do. They just dive. They work the clip. That's what they do. Because they have delicate sensibilities and they're squeamish people. No, you finger blast. I'm going to work the clip.

55:12🔗 Drew Oh, my. How hard is it to get an STD?

55:17🔗 Adam And you put it in your mouth?

55:18🔗 Drew I've never dealt with anyone that has gotten one that way. All right.

55:22🔗 Adam So you're fine.

55:23🔗 Drew Certainly, I guess it's possible if you're dealing with somebody who's infected. If you did not see any syphilitic lesions and then we don't have hepatic lesions and somebody's not known to have HIV, I don't quite know what you're going to get that way. I guess chlamydia or GC gonorrhea could be that way, but I don't think so. Never seen it.

55:43🔗 Adam Hold on, I just want to get rid of this. Joseph's been on hold for a very long time. Joseph?

55:50🔗 Caller Hello?

55:51🔗 Adam You're 14?

55:52🔗 Caller Oh yeah, hey, I just wanted to know what you guys were for Halloween.

55:56🔗 Adam Drew, what were you for Halloween?

55:58🔗 Drew I was Dr. Drew.

56:00🔗 Caller What?

56:00🔗 Adam What's that mean? Nothing?

56:02🔗 Drew Boring, yeah.

56:03🔗 Caller Really?

56:04🔗 Adam No outfit, huh? Do kids trick or treat at your house?

56:07🔗 Caller Oh yeah.

56:08🔗 Adam They do?

56:08🔗 Drew Not at our house, now we go to other people's houses.

56:10🔗 Adam You go to other people's houses? You don't dress up? Why not? You don't put like a cowboy hat on or something? What's up?

56:17🔗 Drew I'm just, all I'm doing is schlepping kids around. I'm not going to any grown-up Halloween parties or anything. I actually went to a friend's party. It was very nice.

56:28🔗 Adam Where were the kids?

56:29🔗 Drew What do you mean, where were they?

56:30🔗 Adam What were they?

56:31🔗 Drew Oh, I had a Homer Simpson. Very cool Homer Simpson mask. I had some sort of weird skull ghoul.

56:37🔗 Mm-hmm.

56:38🔗 Drew And I had Elvis.

56:39🔗 Adam Oh, Elvis.

56:40🔗 Mm-hmm.

56:41🔗 Adam Geez, you know, Elvis made like, his estate made like $40 million last year. Jesus Christ. That's like, it's like a racehorse that keeps winning races, even though it's been sent to the glue factory years ago, you know?

56:56🔗 Caller Mm-hmm.

56:57🔗 Adam He keeps bringing home those purses. And they must have to license all those outfits and everything.

57:02🔗 Drew I'm thinking people go to Graceland all the time. It's like an amusement park.

57:06🔗 Adam I know, but they pay eight bucks and they walk through the place. That ain't 40 million.

57:10🔗 Drew Maybe eight million.

57:13🔗 Adam I just think it's... I think most of it comes from all the songs, the music, the licensing, all that stuff, pictures and posters. Well, anyway, I want is Nick Lachey, who of Nick and Jessica fame, Jessica Simpson fame. I didn't want to do it with my wife.

57:33🔗 Drew Who is Jessica?

57:35🔗 Adam My wife. Well, let me say something about all that that stuff. And I just I don't know. I just painted in a goatee and put my hand on back. I just told her, look, you deal with it and whatever you want. But here's the thing. Don't go. It don't do. People do that to half thing. They do that thing where, you know, oh, yeah, this and you're that. It only works when you're together.

57:58🔗 Drew Yes.

57:58🔗 Adam OK, you go to the party, you immediately lose your partner and then you just walk around like a retard.

58:04🔗 Drew The joke's over. Yeah, the joke's over.

58:05🔗 Adam No one knows who you are. Yeah. The whole time everyone was asking me who I am and you got to get the second part piece of the puzzle in order for it to read and it doesn't read and you're not with them.

58:16🔗 Drew I think dressing up for a punch line never works.

58:20🔗 Adam No. You know what I mean?

58:22🔗 Drew Yeah. And that's the mistake. You dress up as something. Well, I don't care. Well, then you just do what I do.

58:29🔗 Adam No, no, but I can't. No, because my wife will get mad.

58:32🔗 Drew Oh.

58:33🔗 Adam You see?

58:34🔗 Drew You know what? You need to have kids. You need kids. Quick. This will all stop. This will all be over with.

58:40🔗 Adam I went to a party.

58:41🔗 Drew Adam, have some children.

58:43🔗 Adam Half the people at the party had kids.

58:45🔗 Drew Your wife will not have you dressing up anymore. You know what I'm saying?

58:48🔗 Adam Listen.

58:49🔗 Drew Trust me.

58:49🔗 Adam No, I'm not listening to you. Half the people at this party had kids. They were just home with the sitter and the people were dressed up.

58:57🔗 Drew And the husbands were dressed up by the wife?

58:59🔗 Adam I have no idea.

59:00🔗 Drew No, they were just guys that wanted to dress up.

59:06🔗 Adam I don't know who did what, but it's a good Sonny and Cher, actually. You know, it's a good Sonny and Cher, because the guy's wife is like six inches taller and he isn't perfect. Christy, you're 16?

59:19🔗 Caller Yeah.

59:20🔗 Adam What's up?

59:22🔗 Caller So my boyfriend, I just started going out with like a few weeks ago, told me that he has genital herpes and warts. And I was wondering if it's okay to still like have sex with them and like oral sex and all that stuff still. Like I don't know about all that stuff.

59:38🔗 Drew Well, it's okay to have protected sex. You wear a condom, here he wears a condom.

59:43🔗 Caller And I wouldn't get anything?

59:44🔗 Drew Well, no, you can't say that. Your risks are substantially reduced. And if he has any visible warts, they need to be treated. In other words, they need to be taken off or treated with interferon or whatever, you know, whatever he chooses to have treated with. Aldera.

59:58🔗 Adam And when does it ever go away?

1:00:00🔗 Drew Never.

1:00:01🔗 Adam Oh, what do you mean never?

1:00:02🔗 Drew Well, not never necessarily. There's some warts, the ones that don't cause cervical cancer would tend to be eliminated, tend to sort of burn themselves out in about three to five years. The ones that cause cervical cancer tend to be the warts that persist. So if he's had them for a long time, she's only 16. How old is your boyfriend? Yeah, so, you know, it's hard to know what he's got there.

1:00:23🔗 Adam Pick up the warts by 16, huh?

1:00:26🔗 Drew Pretty common.

1:00:27🔗 Adam Well, that just means you have them, Drew.

1:00:31🔗 All right.

1:00:33🔗 Drew Well, you may not see them. Just listen, you can have the virus and not see the warts. So you have to wear condom meticulously and understand you are taking a risk. But it's a risk that you're going to take. It's a risk you're going to take having sex at all at 16 because these are so common. Get regular pap smears. That is the key.

1:00:51🔗 Drew always says that.

1:00:52🔗 Adam I don't know anyone with warts.

1:00:55🔗 Drew It's just no way. Let me out of your friends.

1:00:57🔗 Adam Go ahead. I let you out. Me didn't find any warts. You were swearing. My friends talked to me about weird stuff. I have had friends that had warts, but they went away.

1:01:07🔗 Drew Yeah, they go away.

1:01:08🔗 Adam Well, you just said you have them forever.

1:01:10🔗 Drew Three to five years. Did I say that?

1:01:12🔗 Adam No, you said forever and then I made you say three to five years.

1:01:16🔗 Drew Some three to five years. But that's having had warts.

1:01:18🔗 Adam That's it. You're contagious all the time?

1:01:22🔗 Drew What?

1:01:23🔗 Adam You don't know when you're contagious.

1:01:25🔗 Drew With these guys for whom they went away, probably they're not, but you can't say for sure.

1:01:30🔗 Adam How do you figure that out?

1:01:32🔗 Drew You can do the thing we did to you. We poured the acetic acid on the penis. That's about all you can do.

1:01:37🔗 Adam Good times. All right. I'm just saying it's so easy to tell people, everyone has warts and you just wear a condom all the time. Of course.

1:01:46🔗 Drew That's true.

1:01:47🔗 Adam Okay, just wear a condom. How about just don't have sex and just don't leave the house? Chris?

1:01:54🔗 Yes.

1:01:55🔗 Adam You're 25?

1:01:56🔗 Yes, I have a question for Dr. Drew about a medication I heard that's kind of like an anti-abuse for heroin addicts that blocks the effects of opiates.

1:02:03🔗 Drew Naloxone?

1:02:05🔗 Caller I don't know what the name of it is. I just heard about it and I wanted to know if it really works.

1:02:09🔗 Drew It's called Revya or Naloxone and Trexone. And yeah, it does block the effect of heroin. But guess what? If you want to get high, what are you going to do with that drug?

1:02:20🔗 Caller Snort it. Yeah, well, see, that's the thing. I'm trying to stay clean. I've been clean now for about six months and I've been fighting with it for the last eight years.

1:02:28🔗 Drew Well, how's your recovery going?

1:02:29🔗 Caller It's going decently. I'm just scared that I might go out and pick up again.

1:02:35🔗 Drew Well, really, while it's okay for you to take an opiate blocker, if you start using and you intend to get high, you're just going to skip your blocker and get high. The blockers really don't do anything at this stage in terms of how they're administered. They really don't do anything except keep you from getting high in a situation where you might impulsively suddenly decide to use. We use this primarily for people that say are doctors or nurses that are around opiates all the time for whom if they got high, they could really hurt themselves or somebody else. If you intend to get high.

1:03:08🔗 Adam What's that mean?

1:03:08🔗 Drew In other words, if you get loaded while you're on the job, you really hurt somebody.

1:03:11🔗 Adam Well, is it also because they're exposed to the drugs?

1:03:14🔗 Drew They're exposed to these things. It's easy to jump in. So the impulses may overcome them.

1:03:17🔗 Adam What do you do? Do you administer this with a shot?

1:03:19🔗 Drew No, it's a pill once a day. Now, there's going to be something.

1:03:21🔗 Adam Why don't they have a long-term shot?

1:03:22🔗 Drew They're going to come up with something to sort of put under the skin, like a norplant kind of thing. But even then, heronetics, if they're going to tend to get high, they'll rip that stuff off. I don't know if they would get high.

1:03:32🔗 Adam I mean, what about some sort of, there's no shot that can last for 30 days?

1:03:37🔗 Drew No.

1:03:38🔗 Adam Really?

1:03:38🔗 Drew No. But listen, here's the deal.

1:03:40🔗 Adam There is one. I'm getting credit, right?

1:03:42🔗 Drew You get it. It'll be the Corolla shot. Chris, if you're struggling with your sobriety, you need to intensify your structure and go to more meetings, work more carefully with your sponsor. How many meetings are you going to a day now? Chris?

1:03:54🔗 Caller Yeah one a day.

1:03:55🔗 Drew Well, that's not enough. Are you in a sober living?

1:03:58🔗 Caller Yes, I am.

1:04:00🔗 Drew Now, are you working?

1:04:02🔗 Caller I've just got back to work.

1:04:04🔗 Drew And you're sober living, you're only going to one meeting a day?

1:04:06🔗 Caller Right. Well, usually I'm trying to go when I'm not at work, but the thing is where I'm living at now, there's not very many meetings. They're, you know, they're at lunchtime and they're in the afternoon and that's it.

1:04:15🔗 Drew Is your sponsor trying to get you to go to more meetings?

1:04:18🔗 Caller I am staying in contact with him a lot. I mean, I talk to him about five times a day.

1:04:21🔗 Drew Do you tell him about these, these impulses you're having, these urges?

1:04:24🔗 Caller Yes, that's what I'm trying to. What I want is if I did slip up, I don't want to, you know, I want to be protected if I was to go out and do it once.

1:04:32🔗 Drew Look, you're somebody for whom it would be a reasonable alternative because you're doing everything you're supposed to do. You're trying to get back into a gainful employ and you still feel like you might be overcome by impulses. That's a reasonable thing to add to the structure of your recovery.

1:04:47🔗 Adam Good times.

1:04:47🔗 Drew Good times.

1:04:48🔗 Adam You take the pill every day and then you know you can't get high so it makes you not want to do it or even if you do get high, you know, like you not just do it.

1:04:57🔗 Drew If you don't use it, people just do it and they don't get the effects, they don't go out. You mean once you get in the grips of the drug, you're on your way.

1:05:04🔗 Adam But you wouldn't do it if you knew you weren't going to get high.

1:05:07🔗 Drew Many people do it.

1:05:08🔗 Adam Really? Yeah.

1:05:09🔗 Drew Because sometimes they try to take enough to overcome it and stuff.

1:05:11🔗 Adam That's nice. Angela? You're 17? What's up?

1:05:17🔗 Caller Well, I'm having a problem because, okay, I'm 17. I have a 17-month-old daughter. And my daughter's dad, he just, he broke up recently. And he has this new girlfriend who he's sleeping with. But he always comes back. And I don't know what I should do.

1:05:35🔗 Drew You shouldn't even, what do you, he just is, I don't know how to express myself.

1:05:40🔗 Adam He comes back for what?

1:05:41🔗 Drew He comes back for more sex with you, right?

1:05:42🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:05:43🔗 Drew Yeah, that's not coming back. That's him just exploiting you.

1:05:46🔗 Adam He always comes back.

1:05:48🔗 Drew That's not him coming back, Angela. Get rid of him. He's a bad guy.

1:05:52🔗 Caller I know, but I mean, like, he always comes and he tells me, he gives me the skill trip and he tells me, oh, I love you and, you know.

1:05:59🔗 Drew Well, how many times do you have to go through that before you realize what he's up to?

1:06:03🔗 Caller You know, I don't know.

1:06:04🔗 Drew Well, neither do I. But I think you ought to maybe pick up and find a real relationship.

1:06:10🔗 Adam How about no relationship for a little while?

1:06:13🔗 Drew Yeah, that'd be good too.

1:06:14🔗 Adam Seventeen. Where's your dad?

1:06:19🔗 Caller He lives here.

1:06:21🔗 Adam Do you see him? Every day?

1:06:24🔗 Caller Uh-huh.

1:06:25🔗 Drew Your biological father?

1:06:27🔗 Adam You have a picture of him?

1:06:28🔗 Caller Uh-huh.

1:06:29🔗 Drew That's your biological father?

1:06:32🔗 Adam Yes. You sprang from his loins? Yes. Is he together with your mom?

1:06:40🔗 Drew Was he gone for a while?

1:06:42🔗 Adam They're always together.

1:06:44🔗 Caller Yeah. Well, I mean, except when he goes to work and that's it.

1:06:48🔗 Drew And no alcoholism addiction in the family?

1:06:50🔗 Caller Nothing. I mean, my mom had problems before she was married to an abusive husband, but I mean-

1:06:57🔗 Drew But that was before you were born?

1:06:59🔗 Caller Yeah. That was before I was even twinkle in my daddy's eye.

1:07:04🔗 Adam So, she, what, she has other kids from this other guy?

1:07:07🔗 Caller She has my older brother from this previous marriage.

1:07:11🔗 Drew How old is he? Did he do something to you when you were growing up? What'd he do? Okay, well, there we go. Drew.

1:07:24🔗 Adam Jesus. Alright. Well, see, here's what it was, or here's what it is, or here's how it works every single time on this show. We hear somebody who was pregnant at 15, who's with a semi-abusive guy who's in and out of her life and who's willing to put up with a lot of abuse from a horrible guy. And then we start saying, alright, what went on in the past? And it starts out usually the same way. Everything's great. Now, it's dad. Now, biological. Well, parents still together. And you start thinking, now, how could this be? I mean, how could Angela be knocked up at 15? And anyone can get knocked up at 15. But she chooses to stay with the guy who has another girlfriend. And God knows, I'd like to put a goddamn crossbow. I like to just put an arrow through that guy's nutsack and just stick it to a piece of plywood because you know he's going to knock up this next chick. And as a society, we got nothing to say about that. How about some PSAs for that, you pussies? Hey, how about taking just one tenth of the stuff you're putting into the education of smoking and put it into this? So all I see is commercials about secondhand smoking being a first rate killer and all this great stuff. Yeah, we get it. People know, people have known cigarettes have been bad for you for, what do you say, 40 years now, Drew? Some people smoke, some people don't. How about we focus on the guys that are just Johnny Appleseeding their way across the country and slowly destroying the fabric of this country by just cranking out a whole bunch of unwanted kids with parents that can't take care of them, who by the way are going to be smokers.

1:09:01🔗 Drew By the way, that's a good point.

1:09:03🔗 Adam If you want to look at who's going to be smokers, it's a much higher likelihood that these uneducated kids from these poor families and single moms are going to be smokers. So if you pussies who got all the money from tobacco companies want to do something, get people to really quit smoking. Why don't you start putting out PSAs about these guys that are just knocking up everybody.

1:09:23🔗 Drew Angela, thank you. You need to get some help, some treatment for what you've been through because the choices you're making in your relationships are still affected by what happened to you with your brother. This guy's a bad guy, cool out, focus on being a parent, maybe get a little help on this.

1:09:37🔗 Adam Well, you got to take a chill pill.

1:09:38🔗 Drew I had a patient ask me for a chill pill today. She goes, what is this chill pill that everyone keeps telling me to take? I'd like to have one. That's good.

1:09:47🔗 Adam Angela?

1:09:48🔗 Drew She was kind of kidding.

1:09:49🔗 Adam Okay, good. Have you got any therapy for the abuse?

1:09:56🔗 Drew It's time to work on that. Come on. That's where this is all coming from. What's your brother? Now we have something to refer people to if they want any more information about the consequence of sexual abuse. Go see Mystic River, a movie about sexual abuse. Yes, yes.

1:10:12🔗 Adam It's the feel-good movie of the year. Angela? You got to get some help because you're going to screw your kid up. You understand? All right, so this guy's a bad guy. I know that's attractive to you because of what you've been through, but please dump him and get some therapy and for Christ's sake, don't get pregnant for another ten years. All right?

1:10:44🔗 Drew Whoever was trying to take care of you then, maybe get back with some motivation of your own to get better. Not just because you're being forced in, but because you want to get better. Right.

1:10:54🔗 Adam But good times. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:11:06🔗 Caller Loveline is brought to you by Trojan, America's number one condom, the most trusted for over 80 years. Cheers.

1:11:26🔗 Adam I'm Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-191. Still waiting on our first Germany or Florida.

1:11:39🔗 Drew Oh yeah. And come on.

1:11:41🔗 Adam This is the hottest game show in the United States right now, Drew.

1:11:46🔗 Drew Germany. How is that thing called? That's hot.

1:11:56🔗 Adam Yeah. Here's how it works. I figured out and not me alone, but all the writers from the Jimmy Kimmel live show, sitting around and started to figure out, we have to comb through the Internet, the newspapers and stuff every day to come up with stuff to talk about on the show. We've realized all evil and all bizarre evil, emanates from either Germany or Florida. All the crazy stunts, all the necrophilia, all the guys teaching their dogs to hile Hitler, all the bizarre, the macabre, Florida, the occult, all from Germany or Florida. You call in, you tell us the story, and then we guess whether it's from Germany or Florida.

1:12:41🔗 Drew Adam is particularly astute at this job.

1:12:44🔗 Adam Yeah. Well, like I said, I broke my Germany or Florida hymen, sitting around Jimmy Kimmel Live for the last six months. Thank you. Angie?

1:12:53🔗 Yeah.

1:12:54🔗 Adam You're 21?

1:12:55🔗 Caller Yep.

1:12:56🔗 Adam What's up?

1:12:57🔗 Drew Okay.

1:12:58🔗 Caller So we're friends really into anal, and we've tried it a couple of times, but it's so painful and I bleed every time. I don't know if it's because I'm clenching too much or what.

1:13:07🔗 Drew Quite good-natured about this, isn't she? Yeah, laughing about anal bleeding and painful. Jesus. Still laughing. Still a smile on her voice. Yeah.

1:13:23🔗 Caller So, I mean, is that just how it's going to be?

1:13:27🔗 Drew Yeah. If you're bleeding, I would suggest you desist from that action, from that behavior. How about that?

1:13:34🔗 Caller Yeah, that sounds good.

1:13:35🔗 Drew I would put excruciating pain on that same list. All righty.

1:13:41🔗 Adam Is your boyfriend cool with that or is he going to insist?

1:13:43🔗 Caller Dude, he really likes it. Yeah, he's coming. Yeah, he's going to be in the car pretty soon too.

1:13:49🔗 Adam After you bled the first time.

1:13:51🔗 Caller I mean, it's not like I'm bleeding profusely. It's just like a little spotting.

1:13:57🔗 Adam All right.

1:13:57🔗 Drew Whatever. But it still didn't.

1:13:59🔗 Adam Let me tell you something too. The blood, the duke and the semen, that is the devil's brew. Yeah, devil's brew. The devil's brew. I once made a mistake of getting the blood fecal matter and semen smoothie at, I think it was that. It was Jamba juice. It was a kiosk that was set up. I think it was. Jizz juice, yeah. Yeah, I got that. I think my additive was the bee pollen put in there. But anyway.

1:14:31🔗 Drew A little wheatgrass in there, too.

1:14:32🔗 Adam A little shot of wheatgrass. It was, yeah, it's bad times. Tell your boyfriend rectal bleeding. That's all you need. That's all you need. You don't need a note from the doctor when you have rectal bleeding. Any sexual, and by the way, any sexual practice that induces rectal bleeding. Any bleeding, except rectal bleeding, you get to stop. Doing that.

1:14:57🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:14:58🔗 Adam Even if light petting induces rectal bleeding. You got to stop making out. If cuddling, I wish it would, would induce rectal bleeding, you could stop that.

1:15:07🔗 Drew And by the way, rectal bleeding is sort of on the list of medical emergencies.

1:15:10🔗 Adam That's right.

1:15:11🔗 Drew So, you know, it's not as though we're just sort of causing a minimal problem here. It could be quite serious.

1:15:17🔗 Adam Shirley?

1:15:20🔗 Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah.

1:15:23🔗 Adam Good. What's up?

1:15:26🔗 Well, my grandparents, my grandpa, she's on my grandma. And I just found out a year ago that my dad she's on my mom. And now weeks ago, I found out my sister's husband is cheating on her. And I'm trying to find out if there's any help for me and my boyfriend.

1:15:44🔗 Adam Well, are you white trash?

1:15:46🔗 Absolutely not. Totally not.

1:15:49🔗 Drew So the question is, would you choose a cheater?

1:15:54🔗 Yeah, but I don't think he would and he swears to God he won't, but it just seems like every time I listen to your show, there's always patterns.

1:16:02🔗 Adam All right, well, let's, these are good questions.

1:16:04🔗 Drew It's a great question.

1:16:05🔗 Adam Yeah, first off, the fact that you're asking the question, not in some crazy state of denial means there's a lesser chance of it happening.

1:16:11🔗 Drew Correct.

1:16:12🔗 Adam Okay. Has a guy ever cheated on a girlfriend before?

1:16:16🔗 Drew No. What's he do for a living?

1:16:19🔗 Adam He's been cheated on.

1:16:21🔗 Drew But you know how victims become victimizers.

1:16:24🔗 Adam He's been cheated on, but when you met him, he was free and clear.

1:16:27🔗 Drew But that means he comes from a background of cheaters too. That's why it's attractive to cheat. Maybe she's going to be the cheater.

1:16:32🔗 Caller Maybe she's going to be the cheater.

1:16:35🔗 Drew That's what's going to happen here. That's what this is. Now.

1:16:43🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:16:45🔗 Drew Have you ever cheated in a relationship before? Have you ever been in a relationship before?

1:16:50🔗 Oh, yeah. I've been cheated on before by a boyfriend, but it was not very mysterious.

1:16:54🔗 Drew All right. That's your only other relationship?

1:16:57🔗 No, I've been in three serious relationships. This is the serious. We're going to probably get married.

1:17:04🔗 Drew All right.

1:17:04🔗 Adam So now hold on a second. How old is he?

1:17:06🔗 He's 30.

1:17:07🔗 Drew Oh, that's good. I think that's good.

1:17:10🔗 Adam Yeah, he's settled in.

1:17:10🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:17:11🔗 Adam Yeah. Okay.

1:17:13🔗 So he was my boss.

1:17:15🔗 Adam He was your boss?

1:17:17🔗 Drew Strike one.

1:17:18🔗 Adam Yeah, but this is how it works.

1:17:19🔗 Drew That's cheater behavior though.

1:17:22🔗 No, no, he's not my boss anymore.

1:17:24🔗 Adam What kind of place were you working at?

1:17:25🔗 It was a restaurant. So it wasn't anything like corporate.

1:17:29🔗 Drew Strike two.

1:17:30🔗 Adam No, no strike, but Drew, how many times I got to give this restaurant speech? How much? And let me say this.

1:17:38🔗 Drew It's always the managers.

1:17:39🔗 Adam Let me explain something, everybody. Okay, forget about rock star or box office, you know, big box office star. Forget about guys who, you know, fly Lear jets and own their own companies. I mean, okay, these guys are always going to get more tail than your average, than your civilian. You people, you civilians, you little people as Drew calls you off the air, who are listening out there as guys, you need to start thinking about jobs that are, I wish someone would have told me this. Here's what I'm saying. If and you get out of college or if you don't go to college at all, the only place you're going to meet chicks at work. Right. That's what it is. And if you are stupid enough to take some job swinging a hammer like me, you're aft. You work around no women. You work in some install closets somewhere. You clean carpets. You swing a hammer. It is a disaster. The guys I know become bartenders. The guys I know you end up, you become assistant manager for the TGI Fridays.

1:18:48🔗 Caller Oh, you're right.

1:18:49🔗 Adam Here's what you get. You have a steady stream of attractive 18 and 19 year old, 20 year old college student women who are vying for the hostess position, who want to be servers, who want to be bar backs, who want to be bartenders. And you're in charge of their schedule. And that's you. And even though you're making a measly 42 grand a year and you got to wear a name tag and they make you wear the stupid striped shirt.

1:19:17🔗 Drew 42 grand.

1:19:19🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:19:20🔗 Drew I don't think you're assistant manager.

1:19:22🔗 Adam You're working full time. I can say you're the manager, whatever. I'm on a roll here, Drew. Point is, you're not making much. And out in the real world, you ain't squat. But there's some 19 year old who wants to get from, she wants to go from hostess to waitress.

1:19:37🔗 Drew You're her world.

1:19:38🔗 Adam You're her world. You are your messiah, your teacher, you're a drill sergeant, you're a father, you're a lover.

1:19:46🔗 Drew Are you taking notes?

1:19:48🔗 Adam You are all of these people. You understand?

1:19:50🔗 Caller You're holding the scale.

1:19:54🔗 Drew Forget it. Going to Outback, Outback State College.

1:19:56🔗 Adam Go to Outback. You're in charge of handing out the Blooming Onions. The point is, is these guys end up nailing everybody who goes, who passes through their doors.

1:20:09🔗 Drew Think how hard it's going to be to get a job in a restaurant though after these speeches you're giving.

1:20:12🔗 Adam And it's huge turnover. It's just a bunch of chicks who want to make a little bread during the summer and then they go back to school full time, or even if they are full time, there's just a bunch of 20 something year old young and they're always sort of attractive because that's what that industry draws and you're fine. And they always have the attractive hostess and the attractive waitresses and barbers and you're nailing everybody. This is how it works. Nobody knows this, the restaurant manager. This is the job. All right. You stay there for 20 years and meanwhile you just, it's a steady stream. It's another new hot chick filling out an application every week.

1:20:49🔗 Drew It's kind of an addict move though. You know what I mean? Cause you can't really get on with your life and get on with another career. You get too, you know what I mean?

1:20:57🔗 Adam Hey, listen.

1:20:58🔗 Drew You're too much.

1:20:59🔗 Adam If that, if, if not-

1:21:00🔗 Drew Like living in Santa Barbara, it's going to school in Santa Barbara.

1:21:02🔗 Adam Why do you want to get on with your life when all you're doing-

1:21:03🔗 Drew That's the point.

1:21:04🔗 Adam You won't. You're eating free baby back ribs and you're nailing a new 19 year old every other week.

1:21:10🔗 Drew There will be no getting on with your life.

1:21:12🔗 Adam Why get on?

1:21:12🔗 Drew That's the point.

1:21:13🔗 Adam That's my point. Who are we talking to?

1:21:16🔗 Drew I think we're taking a break.

1:21:18🔗 Adam We are? What do we tell? Who are we talking to?

1:21:21🔗 Drew Oh, Shirley. We were trying to straighten out with the cheating and all.

1:21:25🔗 Adam All right. You're not working anymore at the restaurant?

1:21:29🔗 No, I'm teaching.

1:21:31🔗 Adam You're teaching. And where's he work? Is he still at the restaurant?

1:21:36🔗 No, he works actually for a corporation now. He's-

1:21:39🔗 Caller Okay, good.

1:21:40🔗 Drew He's what?

1:21:41🔗 Managing, again.

1:21:42🔗 Adam Okay, all right. That's better. All right, you'll be fine. That's the other thing too. Like I said, your husband goes to work for Northrup. He's down and he's a metallurgist. He ain't cheating. You know where he is. He's with a bunch of other slime balls who ain't getting anything. There's just not, there's nowhere to go. There's nothing to do. You got a guy who's going in the restaurant every night.

1:22:05🔗 You know what I mean?

1:22:06🔗 Drew Could get himself in trouble. But surely she should watch out for herself.

1:22:10🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:22:10🔗 Drew And she should keep her eyes open and realize that she's attracted to people that have that tendency and she is and that's fine.

1:22:16🔗 Adam Gotta get a gig at a Chili's. I gotta get a gig like managing a Chili's. That's what I gotta do. And I'm gonna walk around announcing everyone.

1:22:27🔗 Drew Well, you have a restaurant now.

1:22:28🔗 Adam I'm making the schedule. I'm making the schedule.

1:22:31🔗 Drew You could be the owner.

1:22:32🔗 Adam Don't bother me, anyone. I'm making the schedule. Who wants to work weekends? Yeah.

1:22:38🔗 Drew You made a mistake. We're investing in an Italian restaurant.

1:22:41🔗 Adam Come on. Yeah, I do have a part ownership and a small ownership in a place called the Malfi's. Very good, by the way, over in La Brea.

1:22:50🔗 Drew But where's the cha-ching at, Anderson? When he has these shameless plugs.

1:22:54🔗 Adam There are hot waitresses that work there, by the way. And it does make you feel like, well, I own 20% of you, don't I? Yeah? No. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

1:23:07🔗 Caller Love Line, 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:23:34🔗 Adam That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Jack Black, the great Jack Black, coming in here later on this week. Also the Ataris and many, many others. Tonight, just us. Big week. Big week. Chad? You have a Germany or Florida for us?

1:23:58🔗 Caller It wasn't very specific, but if you guys want, I could try to explain it. Deciding that oil of Olay was no longer doing the trick for her. A woman decided that she would become a modern day Cleopatra and bathe in camel's milk. The woman went to her local zoo and transported a camel back to her house. But the camel was a male.

1:24:20🔗 Drew Germany or Florida?

1:24:21🔗 Adam Well, that's just tough.

1:24:22🔗 Drew I don't picture the camel. I think camels around Germany. That sounds kind of hard. You know, I imagine you get a camel moving around Florida easier than Germany.

1:24:33🔗 Adam Well, both camels closer to that continent than this one, right?

1:24:38🔗 Caller Yeah. Yeah, it's tough.

1:24:40🔗 Adam And then in Germany, it feels German. I'm going to go German.

1:24:51🔗 Caller It's Germany.

1:24:52🔗 Adam Thank you.

1:24:53🔗 Drew Well done.

1:24:53🔗 Adam Thank you.

1:24:54🔗 Drew Well done.

1:24:56🔗 Adam I got to say, Drew, stop me if I'm wrong here. I got to be 13 for 15. Yes?

1:25:02🔗 Drew Easily. At least it's to the point now when you say, when you make up your mind, even if it's unsure, I'm going with you.

1:25:09🔗 Adam Really?

1:25:10🔗 Drew I'm going with you. Forget it. You're too good at this.

1:25:12🔗 Adam And now you may be jinxing me. Amanda?

1:25:16🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:25:17🔗 Adam You're 16?

1:25:18🔗 Caller Uh-huh.

1:25:19🔗 Adam What's up?

1:25:20🔗 Caller My question is, do you guys think that school should pass out condoms?

1:25:26🔗 Drew I'm not.

1:25:28🔗 Adam I don't like them passing out anything, really, other than cigarettes.

1:25:34🔗 Drew I worry about institutions that are government funded doing anything, frankly, because it's just too it gets too politicized. The private sector should be doing this kind of thing.

1:25:43🔗 Adam Well, I don't I don't know. I don't I'm just I'm more I'm uncomfortable with the term pass out.

1:25:49🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:25:50🔗 Adam Like, here's what I feel like. I feel like if you need an aspirin, you should be able to get some aspirin at school. And if you need a condom, you should be able to get a condom.

1:26:01🔗 Drew Like like you should know where to go to get. They should they should be able to help tell you where to go to get these.

1:26:05🔗 Adam Yeah, I'm not saying there should be a fishbowl on the dean's desk like it's a gay bar. I just mean, I feel like if somebody said one into the nurse and said, I would like a condom, I would be all right with them handing them the condom.

1:26:21🔗 Drew But my thing is always, why does-

1:26:22🔗 Adam No one's ever gonna do that, by the way.

1:26:24🔗 Drew Why do sexual behaviors need to be treated than any other behavior? That's my point.

1:26:28🔗 Adam You mean like if someone said I need-

1:26:30🔗 Drew I needed something else for health maintenance, whatever, you'd have, well, here's where you go for that.

1:26:34🔗 Adam Yeah.

1:26:34🔗 Drew Right, that's the same thing.

1:26:35🔗 Adam Well, again, it depends. If you needed a band-aid, you'd get a band-aid. You know what I'm saying? I mean, is it just, is it a monetary thing? I mean, obviously, if somebody says, I need a prescription to Valium, you don't get it at the school. But if you say, I need a band-aid, I need a lozenge, I need an aspirin, well, then they give it to you.

1:26:58🔗 Drew Well, even, no, I have aspirin tolerance. I've yipped all kinds of parental signatures for that.

1:27:01🔗 Adam All right, but for aspirin?

1:27:04🔗 Drew Yes.

1:27:04🔗 Adam No.

1:27:04🔗 Drew Adam, I had a kid at a-

1:27:06🔗 Adam At your school.

1:27:07🔗 Drew Everywhere, I had a kid out of fever. My kid out of fever, they couldn't give him tolerance, so they got a hold of me and got a red- That's at your school.

1:27:12🔗 Adam That's the little Lord Faunleroy School for albino hemophiliacs. Where, molders of pussies is what it says for over a quarter century.

1:27:23🔗 Drew Do you know School of Rock was fashioned after my school?

1:27:25🔗 Adam Really?

1:27:25🔗 Drew Yes, it was written by a graduate of our school.

1:27:27🔗 Adam Really?

1:27:27🔗 Drew And they specifically went in and got the names and the personalities of kids the year one year ahead of my kids. At our school. Yes.

1:27:35🔗 Adam Wow, true.

1:27:36🔗 Drew And our kids were all pissed off that the names, they knew all the kids who the names represented. Why couldn't it have been our class?

1:27:42🔗 Adam Oh really? Good times. All right, luck. So we don't feel like they should be handed out to everybody. I feel like if you went to the nurse's office and told her, and I don't even mind a little discussion. Like I think if you went to the nurse and you said, you know, I'm planning on having sex with my girlfriend of a year, she should be able to give you the condom. I, I, I'm fine with that. I, and I don't think throwing condoms at people makes them have sex. I don't think it stops them. I don't think you can move them either way. I think we're, we're insane with this stuff.

1:28:15🔗 Drew Let's get back to my discussion. Why does talking to kids about drugs and cigarettes not compel them to do drugs and cigarettes, but talking to them about sex somehow makes them have sex? How does that work? Is that the, oh, really?

1:28:28🔗 Adam It's called, it's called a retardism. It's the folks are doing the talking. Annie? Annie? You're 20?

1:28:38🔗 Caller I actually had a problem. I'm a virgin and I've never had an orgasm before. And is that normal? Like all my friends think that like it's abnormal or, you know, I have a problem or anything. I think, I mean, I think I don't have a problem with it, but because every single time, like I'm always on dates, I feel like really uncomfortable when it has to deal with like making out or like, you know, like.

1:29:10🔗 Drew That doesn't sound, that doesn't sound normal.

1:29:14🔗 Adam Well, sometimes when people get a late start, then it becomes kind of weird at that point. Why are you a virgin?

1:29:23🔗 Caller Honestly, like I just feel really uncomfortable when it comes to like, I don't know, just someone touching me or I just feel really uncomfortable.

1:29:31🔗 Drew Something happened where somebody touched you inappropriately?

1:29:35🔗 Caller Yeah, before like, I mean, this was like two years ago, someone like touched me like, and I felt really uncomfortable in it. I was just like, I felt so...

1:29:46🔗 Adam No, no, no, but you felt uncomfortable before that person touched you, right? So how could it be that?

1:29:53🔗 Drew What happened before?

1:29:56🔗 Caller Well, he really, I mean, it's not like he raped me or anything. It's just he was...

1:30:01🔗 Drew You were eight. Say when you were eight, what happened?

1:30:04🔗 Caller Oh, nothing. No, nothing.

1:30:08🔗 Drew No, forget the two years ago. Forget it. Forget it. What about way before?

1:30:12🔗 Caller Nothing. Nothing happened to me.

1:30:15🔗 Drew No one ever used to hold you down or tickle you or touch you in your bed in ways that sort of troubled you?

1:30:25🔗 Adam Let me say this, Drew. One out of every... 25 people is just abnormally shy. And if you're a shy person, you're never more shy than when you're with the opposite sex. And there's just people that are sort of... They're just a little skittish, you know? They're just... And there's some people that are sort of unusually bold and experimental for no good reason. Maybe Annie's one of these shy, skittish people. So that means you're going to be sort of retarded in your growth. You're going to be behind your class a few years.

1:31:01🔗 Drew Slow.

1:31:02🔗 Adam Slow. And not necessarily a bad thing. Better to lose your virginity at 21 than to lose it at 13.

1:31:08🔗 Drew I do still think that it's problematic that somebody should touch her at 18 and she freak out about it.

1:31:14🔗 Adam Yes.

1:31:15🔗 Drew It does suggest some previous type, you know what I'm saying? That she's sort of primed for that.

1:31:21🔗 Adam Alright. Alright. So how about a little therapy just for the fact that you have a little bit of a phobia toward people in a sense.

1:31:28🔗 Drew Yeah. Or just start having some relationships and get over this.

1:31:32🔗 Adam Oh, yes. Okay. Thank you for bringing that up, Drew. Here's the thing with everybody with the, you know, we hear it all night long. It's like, you gotta understand, I almost choked on this when I ate it when I was 9. So you understand why I can't. And everyone, all anyone does is, oh, yes, sure, sure. You can never, you can never eat a sandwich again if you almost choked on one 30 years ago, or you could never go near water if you almost drowned. Yeah, you can. It's called just doing it. Like, look, you can get in your car, get into a horrible car accident, recover, and get back in your car and drive again. You just can't. That's, life is nothing but that. You're gonna need to do that. And yes, if you have a problem and you can't stand people or you feel weird around, okay, push through it. I mean, that's all successful people do, is make themselves do things they don't want to do. If you think about it. Nobody wants to get up at 6 in the morning. Nobody wants to do that extra push up. Nobody wants to go to night school after working an entire 40 hour week at their job. The successful people do that. They master themselves. They say, look, I don't want to do this. I'd rather do that. But you know what? I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna do what I should be doing. Fine. Bully yourself a little bit. And if you can't do it, then you gotta start talking to somebody. Good times. Good times. We'll be back.

1:32:52🔗 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up?

1:32:58🔗 Caller But I tried everything else and thought, what the hell?

1:33:07🔗 Caller 877-889-DATE.

1:33:10🔗 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:33:27🔗 Adam Thank you all for tuning in. And a pox on those of you who didn't. So until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo. Have you ever seen the big swinging black caucus?

1:33:38🔗 Drew Not seen it, no, I've heard of it.

1:33:43🔗 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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