Monday, October 6, 2003

1:15🔗 Tonight, Las Vegas legend Roy Horn of Siegfried and Roy is mauled by one of his own white tigers in the middle of a show. Hundreds of people watch in horror. Roy is in critical condition. He fights for his life tonight. The white tiger's in quarantine. What went wrong? We'll talk with two men who were front row witnesses to the tiger's attack. Also joining us, Wayne Newton, Mr. Las Vegas, a longtime friend of Siegfried and Roy. In Las Vegas, magician Penn Jillette of Penn and Teller.

1:43🔗 Drew All right, hold on a second. Oh, I think it's Larry King. Larry King. Well, finally, some entertainment on this program. Who's Larry King talking to? I don't hear him anymore. Here's my point. We did this show for six years and Drew picks the calls. Here's how it works. We have a screen. We have a monitor, computer monitor in front of us, one through six. And each one has about three lines. It says the person's age, it says their sex, and it says their name. And then it has a little blurb like doesn't like sex or vagina is on fire. I don't normally look at that because I'm not a big reader. I'm not sure if you know that about me, Drew.

2:25🔗 Jimmy Kimmel It's shocking, though.

2:26🔗 Drew Drew is a reader.

2:27🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yes.

2:28🔗 Drew Drew reads the screen. Drew reads ahead, picks the call, and for about eight years he drew on a squeaky Marks a Lot board. He'd write seven and you could hear it squeak. And if you had listened to the show enough, you would probably figure out what number he was writing. By the way, it squeaked. Like when someone writes a letter on your back and you try to figure it out. I haven't done that in a while, by the way. I've got to get back into that.

2:50🔗 Jimmy Kimmel We'll do it during the commercial break.

2:51🔗 Drew Thank you. So anyway, Drew, no, Dr. Bruce, I think pioneered the Post-It note, which is why you got to get a little fresh blood in the studio every once in a while.

3:02🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I went from the Marks a Lot, I mean the dry erase board, to a piece of paper.

3:05🔗 Drew Piece of paper. He would write the number. It wouldn't squeak. But then Bruce came in here in his ultimate retardism. But sometimes it takes a guy who thinks a little outside of the box. And Dr. Bruce is a free thinker. He started taking one of those little Post-It sticker notes and sticking it next to the call he wanted on the screen. And since then, it's a rage has swept the land. So that's what Drew does now. Although we always seem to be a little bit short on Post-It notes here because I mean those things aren't free.

3:36🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That's the one thing.

3:37🔗 Drew Well, essentially they're free. Yes. But I mean, there's no Post-It note fairy that drops them off in the studio.

3:42🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Although we have boxes of them, that was the one advantage to be in Westwood.

3:45🔗 Drew We had Post-Its.

3:46🔗 Jimmy Kimmel We had Post-Its. All right.

3:47🔗 Drew So let's get started. Oh, so let me tell you what's going on tonight. Either Jimmy Kimmell or Bobcat Goldthwait is going to come in here tonight. Now, Jimmy, of course, is doing his show, which should be ending about now. And Bobcat is guest hosting on his show all week.

4:06🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I predict they'll both show up.

4:08🔗 Drew They could either both show up or Bobcat or Jimmy. I don't know. Jimmy's pretty tired. I mean, Jimmy works, works pretty hard, but they might both come in anyway. We'll see how it goes. So anyway, both of them or one of them is coming in here in probably the next 25 minutes. It's going to take them a while to get their makeup off and get across town over here. They're promoting a show that I produced with Jimmy and a few other guys called Windy City Heat, which is coming out this Sunday on Comedy Central that I don't like to brag, but I didn't have that much to do with this and it's great. And that may be part of the reason it's great. I showed it to my dad. My dad was blown away.

4:46🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And you know, my dad, not a big Corolla fan, nor a big, not one to show lofty.

5:00🔗 Drew No, he's lukewarm on me at best, comedically. I was guest hosting all week on Kimmell. This is his son on network television every night all week. And at the end of the week on Friday, we went out to lunch. And it was about 2.10 in the afternoon. And I said, yeah, tonight's my last night of guest hosting. Have you caught any of the shows? No, I've not seen the show. Have you ever seen Kimmel's show? No, no, I have not. It's been on about five months now, Dad. Yeah, yeah, it's on late. You know, you get the stepmom to work the VCR for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess I could. Then he says, what time do you guys tape? About 2 o'clock? I said, Dad, it's 2.08 right now. I'm wearing cutoffs and we're sitting at a TGI. Fridays.

5:53🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And it's Jimmy Kimmell Live.

5:54🔗 Drew And it's Jimmy Kimmell Live. And I'm the co-host. Yes, we're taping now. Can't you see the lights, the camera, the makeup? Hold on, your head's blocking my cue cards. I can't figure out what the response to that question was, Dad. No, you imbecile, it's Jimmy Kimmell Live. Yeah, anyway, so suffice it to say, Dad, not a huge fan. Nothing against my work. We don't know what goes on in the dark recesses of his mind. He does not openly try to sabotage my career.

6:28🔗 Jimmy Kimmel He just ain't interested.

6:30🔗 Drew You and I have done several thousand shows together. You met him last, you met him two weeks ago for the first time, right? And put it this way, when I said to him one time, my partner Drew and I, this and that, he thought it was a construction buddy of my friend Ray, who's named Drew. He thought that's the Drew I was talking about. So, evidently maybe not a big fan of yours either. But I would just say that's because you and I are partners. That has nothing to do with you. That's like when I get a bad review, they'll beat up on you a little bit too, just because of the association. My dad, I showed my dad this movie, and I don't even know why. It was like sitting in my car when I was going out to lunch, and I said, take this, watch it, tell me what you think. Blown away. Said he laughed out loud 30 or 40 times. Hysterical. Hysterical. Yeah. It is hysterical. So. Wow. Yeah, now, and basically the mo- Well, I'll wait till those guys come in and we'll promote it. I won't tell you all about it, but you will have out loud laughs at least 25 times during the course of the show. Linda? Out loud laughter. Just like Linda.

7:41🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Linda?

7:42🔗 Drew Yes.

7:43🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Oh, I hear her. She's- Yeah, barely hear her. Anderson, there's something wrong. There you go. There you go.

7:49🔗 Drew That's great. What's up?

7:53🔗 Jimmy Kimmel What's going on?

7:53🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I have a question for you. We always listen to your show. And I have a problem with getting started with having sex. I'm 25. I've been married seven years. And it's not really always been a problem. I think it happened really after we had children.

8:14🔗 Jimmy Kimmel The first one or how many?

8:17🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I'm sorry?

8:18🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Immediately after the first child?

8:21🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Pretty much. Yeah.

8:22🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And what's the problem?

8:24🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I just can't seem to... I just don't want to.

8:26🔗 I just don't want to have sex.

8:28🔗 Jimmy Kimmel So you have a history of... You used to be interested in sex. You used to be interested with your husband. Seemingly since having had children, you just ain't interested.

8:38🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Right.

8:39🔗 Drew Are you stressed out? Are you mad at your husband?

8:41🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I don't think so.

8:46🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Well there you go. Zoloft will shut you down completely.

8:48🔗 Drew Guys get depressed, they beat off 14 times a day. Girls get depressed, they shut down completely.

8:52🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Unless you put them on Zoloft or Prozac, that can shut you down pretty good. That's nice. But Linda, that's the problem. That is the issue. There are antidepressants you can take that will not shut you down that way. You can talk to your doctor about that.

9:04🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Every time I go in for my checkup, he'll always ask me if I'm still able to reach orgasm.

9:10🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Well, yeah, but you forgot to tell him that you're not interested in sex.

9:14🔗 Jimmy Kimmel See, I've told him that and he's told me it's just a mental thing, you'll get over it.

9:18🔗 Jimmy Kimmel No, it is a very serious problem.

9:20🔗 Drew Well, maybe he's just telling her that to give her a little placebo.

9:23🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Now, unfortunately, these drugs can ruin relationships. I actually wrote a book about this.

9:27🔗 Drew You did?

9:28🔗 Jimmy Kimmel It's called Restoring Intimacy. It's called Restoring Intimacy.

9:32🔗 Drew I never even saw that one.

9:33🔗 Jimmy Kimmel It's just a little pamphlet that me and some of the doctors together wrote about.

9:36🔗 Drew It's a jack rag. I use it for a bib.

9:38🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yeah, you could. But it's about how important it is to maintain your relationships and how part of full remission from depression is maintaining intimacy and some of these medicines, the serotonin reuptake inhibitors can really interfere with that. Serosone, remeron, maybe GIO and certainly Will Butrin don't do that. So you've got to talk to your doctor about an antidepressant that doesn't have that side effect because it's a serious issue.

10:00🔗 Drew Alright, let's keep a rockin. You know, the only thing I never plug crank anchors on this show. It seems like I do but I don't because the show runs Tuesday nights.

10:10🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You do always after it's run.

10:13🔗 Drew Yeah, that's what reminds me to plug it.

10:15🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Right.

10:16🔗 Drew But crank anchors, funny show. Ten o'clock.

10:19🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You know why you thought to think of it tonight?

10:21🔗 Drew Comedy Central, Tuesday nights. Because we're plugging something else. I'm in plug mode. I don't plug my own crap enough. Pedro? Speaking of crap, I left a big duke in the toilet because I did that stupid thing where I was talking on the phone and didn't want to flush and my wife found it. Yeah.

10:41🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And probably just as she arrived back from New York too.

10:43🔗 Drew Yeah.

10:44🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That must have been quite a romantic moment.

10:46🔗 Drew Yeah, she got me a hat from Little Italy. I left her a big load of flop in the commode. I think it was even trade.

10:52🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I think this marriage is going quite well for you guys.

10:54🔗 Drew Pedro?

10:55🔗 Jimmy Kimmel She was way in New York on your anniversary and you leave her a big load of turd to welcome her home.

11:00🔗 Drew You're 18, what's up?

11:02🔗 First of all, Adam, you are the man, you are the god and I do love you. Dr. Drew, if there were ever a gentleman I'd want to reach him to my backside with a rubber glove, it would be you. I love both of y'all, you're awesome.

11:13🔗 Drew Thank you, Pedro.

11:15🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I'll try to take that, but okay.

11:18🔗 Now, I heard Drew say something very interesting the other day and it reminded me of something that had been going on with my girlfriend. She'd hinted very casually over the last few months on the subject of a threesome with another girl and Drew had said that the only way that would happen is if there was some sort of weird issue going on and I was wondering if he could maybe shed some light on that statement.

11:43🔗 Drew And how did she hint, by the way?

11:48🔗 I think we were joking about a prostitute and she mentioned maybe we should go pick one up and it kind of sprung from there little by little.

11:55🔗 Jimmy Kimmel So the hint was you saying you'd like to bring a prostitute into the bedroom with the two of you and then her so maybe I'd rather be a friend.

12:03🔗 No, no, not quite that. It was more like, you know, hey maybe she or her saying maybe we should pick one up and you know have a little fun.

12:11🔗 Drew So you think she might be up for this?

12:15🔗 Yeah, I'm thinking that.

12:16🔗 Jimmy Kimmel How long have you been dating her?

12:18🔗 I've known her forever but since January, December.

12:22🔗 Drew Are you serious about the relationship? Are you thinking about marriage or something like that? Don't get her pregnant for a while.

12:31🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And don't have the threesome. But what about it Drew? I don't, you know, it sounds like something that's not specifically related to a bunch of chaos. Usually when somebody is demanding a threesome, it's a very chaotic relationship and or someone with a history of chaos that's seeking to sabotage the relationship. This is not that. This is someone that sounds like an 18 year old screwing around. Experimenting kind of thing. Now, that's fine. Except this relationship will not survive that. You're not resilient enough. You're 18. Forget it. No way. But that's what you want to do.

13:02🔗 Drew Remember before you lost your will to live? And you're a little bit younger. Remember back that far? And you have those conversations that think about all the conversations that women have that they think is completely spontaneous. Where the guys crafted this thing in the lab. He's going down a pre-charted path. You know what it's like? You know what the conversation is like? You ever go to that, remember your kid, you go to Disneyland, you go to that Autotopia thing. It's got a steering wheel that's just hooked up to a rivet. It just spins around. You think you're steering the car. You're six and a half. You think you're actually navigating the car through Disneyland. You ain't going anywhere. You take both hands off the steering wheel and turn your back to it would still end up in the same place. That's what women are like in conversations with guys. When the guys start gambling. When guys start gambling. No, it's not how the guys are like. It's what the women are like. They don't know where it's going. The guys are steering it. The guys are, you know, they'll do that like alright, let's see stakes for a game of backgammon. Oh yeah. Losers got to jump in the pool naked or something like that. You know, they'll do the massage thing. How about I'm great, but I can't get around this bra. I just can't work around the bra. That's when guys start offering massages. Guys start making bets. Guys start bringing up stuff like strip clubs and threesomes. Oh man, I mean, you'd never let anyone film you doing a lesbian act with your sister. I mean, you wouldn't let them videotape. That'd be crazy, right? I think it's crazy too, right? Okay, so it is. Okay, but okay, let's see. Backgammon. Let's see who's going in the pool.

14:51🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Then you go, yeah, your sister, but I bet within your friend.

14:54🔗 Drew Yeah, just everything. Everything's one big sexual thing. Chicken fights in the pool. Yeah, get on my shoulders. Remember that stuff?

15:02🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Are you kidding?

15:03🔗 Drew Drew knows.

15:05🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Guys are diabolical.

15:06🔗 Drew Drew is a man of exquisite passion who's been underneath more than his fair share of chickens during the chicken fight. And by the way, during the chicken fight, everyone's a winner. You think there's losers and winners? Everyone's a winner. You have a wet vagina on the back of your neck. For as long as you can hold them up. You know, she's in a bikini. Tops are coming off. That chicken fight's a good thing.

15:31🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And somehow, the guy feels bonded to that girl.

15:35🔗 Drew Oh yeah, hey, we're a team, baby.

15:36🔗 Jimmy Kimmel We're a team.

15:37🔗 Drew You're holding on to her thigh. She's pinching. Her kooz is in the back of your head. She's pinching your cheeks with her thigh.

15:44🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You're plotting.

15:46🔗 Drew You're plotting.

15:47🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yeah, but she's scratching.

15:49🔗 Drew She's scratching.

15:50🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You're plotting.

15:51🔗 Drew Oh yeah, we gotta get them back. Yeah, this time go for the top.

15:55🔗 Go for the top.

15:57🔗 Drew I'll be down below beating off.

15:59🔗 Go!

16:01🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Oh my god.

16:02🔗 Yeah.

16:02🔗 Drew Remember that chicken fight, Drew? Oh, I miss those chicken fights. Samantha? You're 21?

16:08🔗 Jimmy Kimmel They're universal, too.

16:10🔗 Drew Once in a while you get caught with the hefty chicken who wants to mount up, though, and that's tough. You're feeling the razor stubble on your neck. She's 172 pounds. Samantha? You're 21. What's up? When was your last chicken fight?

16:29🔗 Caller What, girl fighting or something?

16:31🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Like what fighting?

16:32🔗 Drew Yeah, like when you take your tobacco out of your mouth and blind her temporarily, then go upside her head with a cider jug and then strangle her with your rope belt.

16:41🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Well, speaking about blinding, it's something Samantha wanted to ask about. Go ahead, Samantha.

16:45🔗 Caller Well, see, I didn't know which question to ask or whatever, but...

16:49🔗 Drew Alright, baby, what's up?

16:50🔗 Caller Well, I had a brain injury and I heard you say thumbs up... Sorry, I'm getting too...

16:56🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That's alright. Relax.

16:58🔗 Drew I feel bad.

16:58🔗 Caller It's stuff like, um, about being impulsive and stuff.

17:04🔗 Jimmy Kimmel What was the nature of your...

17:06🔗 Caller Like, when I was doing memory things and well, I just didn't want to look stupid because I've always had bad self-esteem and stuff. But I... So I just went ahead and blurted out the answer but, you know, I can't control it sometimes and...

17:20🔗 Jimmy Kimmel What is the nature of your... What was the nature of your injury? What happened?

17:23🔗 Caller What?

17:24🔗 Jimmy Kimmel What was the nature of your injury? What happened?

17:26🔗 Caller I got shot to myself. I shot myself.

17:28🔗 Drew Oh, you did?

17:30🔗 Caller And yes, I know you're gonna say never have children and never all that stuff. That just makes me more depressed.

17:37🔗 Drew Oh, baby, I wasn't gonna tell you that.

17:39🔗 Caller No, but you'd tell everybody.

17:42🔗 Drew But I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to everyone else. I want you to have a whole brood.

17:46🔗 Caller No, well, not me. Because I know that with everything I've done and me being blind, well, my family doctor said blind people shouldn't have children. But then I talked to my shrink or the person that supplies medicine, you know.

18:03🔗 Caller Psychiatrist, yeah.

18:05🔗 Drew Oh, baby, don't listen now. Hold on a second. We're going to make you feel better. Listen, hold on a second. When did you try to commit suicide?

18:19🔗 So it's been some time.

18:30🔗 Drew You were 17, right? You put a gun to your head? To your temple?

18:38🔗 Caller I guess it's like, I don't know, the mark is whatever, like behind my ear.

18:41🔗 Caller I didn't remember.

18:43🔗 Drew Okay, put it behind your ear. Squeeze trigger. Bullet one into your head.

18:47🔗 Caller Hit the optic nerve.

19:00🔗 Drew Okay. But it didn't kill you?

19:01🔗 Caller Well, hold on.

19:04🔗 Drew It didn't kill you.

19:05🔗 Caller Hold on a second.

19:08🔗 Drew That's all right. We will talk to you forever. Jimmy and Bobcat will talk to you.

19:13🔗 Caller That's all right.

19:14🔗 Drew So, you shot yourself, and what happened? Somebody found you?

19:24🔗 Caller Yeah, I guess. Who did they say found me? I did it in my brother's room, I guess. My dad's one, because my mom heard a snap or something. She thought it was electricity at first, but she didn't want to go look because she was afraid.

19:39🔗 Drew Let me ask you something about gunshots. Every time, I just heard the whole report where when Phil Hartman got shot, the neighbor heard three sounds. It sounds like plywood falling or something like that. How come everything but a gunshot sounds like a gunshot? Because you always think of backfire. Oh, that's a gunshot or lightning, thunder. That's a gunshot. But then when you actually hear the goddamn gunshot, it doesn't sound like a gunshot. You think it's something else.

20:09🔗 Caller What's that? It depends on where you shoot yourself, probably.

20:14🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Also, no one's ever heard a gunshot in the movies and things.

20:18🔗 Drew She's from Missouri. She wakes up the gunshot alarm every morning.

20:22🔗 The stuff we see in the movies.

20:23🔗 For a while, yeah.

20:26🔗 Drew Okay, so you shot yourself.

20:27🔗 Caller I went to the blind school and I freaked out there.

20:29🔗 Drew Oh, you went to the blind school. All right, well, hold on. We got plenty to talk about.

20:33🔗 Caller We got a bunch of issues I can go on and go.

20:35🔗 Drew We got a lot of issues.

20:36🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Have you had a relationship since you've been blind?

20:40🔗 Caller You don't want to go there, do you?

20:42🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Well, yes or no?

20:42🔗 Drew Wait a minute.

20:45🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yes.

20:45🔗 Drew It's not good, but I'm trying to get the story here. So they rush you to the hospital. They do emergency surgery on you.

20:53🔗 Caller Nope, no surgery. The bullet's still in there.

20:56🔗 Drew The bullet's still in there. They do that sometimes.

20:59🔗 Caller Gave me a 1% chance of living.

21:01🔗 Drew I always think that's lazy with the doctors when they do that. It'll do. No, it's the way you like it. It's good.

21:09🔗 Caller It can stay for a while. Do you have tapes you can send of like stuff I missed on the show or something?

21:16🔗 Drew While you were in the hospital? Just me making jack-off jokes and boring people to talk of Oxycontin.

21:24🔗 Caller No, I'm not talking about that. I didn't find Loveline until I don't know what year it was. I've been listening to it ever since.

21:32🔗 Drew It's been your savior. Now hold on a second. I don't even turn my radio off.

21:37🔗 Caller I get mad when somebody turns my radio off. But I've finally gotten brave enough to change the pre-sensation every once in a while when Loveline is not on.

21:45🔗 Drew So now they didn't perform brain surgery on you.

21:50🔗 Caller They told mom that if I did live, I would be a vegetable.

21:54🔗 Drew They left the bullet in. now hold on a second. We gotta take a break. But we're not done. Not by a long shot. Sorry for the long shot term there. But just hang on. Not by a bunch. Hang on a second. Drew, I was just talking to someone about this the other day. Actually yesterday with that thing where the doctors make the proclamation, you'll never walk again. Or you'll be dead within six months. That was 11 years ago and I'm still here. Cancer free. Do doctors really say you have a 1% chance of living? Why make that proclamation? I understand you have to say hey, it's grave. It's a bad situation in there.

22:40🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I have more trouble with doctors being honest with people when things are grave. That's what I see more of. It's difficult to be honest with families.

22:47🔗 Drew Well, they are being honest. They're being too honest.

22:49🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That's the point. I see less of that.

22:51🔗 Drew Oh, you see less?

22:52🔗 Jimmy Kimmel In other words, every call we have is somebody was told to never walk again. What I see is people always being very positive.

22:59🔗 Drew This is my point. I don't think this goes on in real life.

23:02🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Not very often. What they might have heard, ideally, you would prepare somebody. You'd say, this really could be bad news.

23:11🔗 Drew But you'd never say 1% chance of living, would you? Listen, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and let me illustrate 1%. Picture a giant wheel with 100 lines on it, okay? Like a huge pie. All right. Have you been to Vegas? Have you spun the roulette? That has 32 slots. This has more than 3 times as many. Now, picture only 1 of those slots being life for your young daughter. All right, now picture spinning that. Yeah, like balls bouncing around. Let me ask you 1 more quick thing. We gotta go to break. Bob Cat should be here, and or Jimmy Kimmell should be here to promote Windy City Heat. We gotta talk to Samantha more. Shot, by her own hand, tried to commit suicide at 17. Bullet still lodged in her brain, and blind now. I'd be, you know, I'd be using that though if I was her. Like when I got on a scale, and someone was like, whew, 168 pounds, I got a bullet in my head. Like, it's like, I'd use it like when you go, I just ate, or I got my shoes, I'm still, you know, I got my shoes and a belt on. Bullet, lead, lead in the head. Come on. But Drew, let me ask you 1 more quick question. We go to break. I was laughing about this with someone. Remember when people died in westerns or in 70s and 80s movies, they would close their eyes, they would have the thing where the guy did the thing, they'd look at their, somehow you died with your eyes open, and I don't know how often you die with your eyes open, are your eyes just where they are when you die? I mean, your lids are open, but aren't you wincing? Your eyes are open. And then the priest does this, he just does the hand, but he doesn't make contact with the eyelids, he just does that hand where it goes over the face and the eyes are closed when he moves his hand by. Is it hard to close eyes?

24:53🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yes.

24:53🔗 Drew It is. You gotta work a little bit.

24:55🔗 Jimmy Kimmel They don't stay closed.

24:56🔗 Drew They don't, they pop back open again. Have you ever done that?

24:58🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Oh yeah, plenty.

24:59🔗 Drew You gotta close those eyes?

25:00🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yeah, they don't.

25:01🔗 Drew In the funeral home they gotta put a stitch in them, right?

25:03🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That's right.

25:04🔗 Drew So if you did that thing where you just did that, he's gone. And you did that hand swipe right over the face? They wouldn't do it. Or maybe just one would be closed and it would be open.

25:12🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That's right.

25:15🔗 Drew Alright, well good times, good times. We're gonna take a quick break and get back.

25:19🔗 Jimmy Kimmel More Good Line after this.

25:22🔗 Drew Yeah, after this.

25:23🔗 Hello, this is your radio.

25:29🔗 As many as one in three Americans with HIV don't know it. To find a testing location near you, call toll free 1-866-344-K-N-O-W.

26:00🔗 Drew Hey, everybody, it's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number, 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Ben Stein in here tomorrow night. Marilyn Manson in here Wednesday night. And the luscious Sarah Silverman in here Thursday night, promoting School of Rock, which I just hear great raves about. Tonight, either Bobcat Goldthwait, Jimmy Kimmell, or perhaps both of them will be in here. I'm predicting both. You're predicting both. We'll be in here. I don't have any thoughts about it. I know Jimmy loves doing this kind of crap. I also know the guys, Run Ragged, doing his show and they're just finishing Jimmy's show because Bobcat is guest hosting all week long on Jimmy's show. So we'll see. But they're promoting Windy City Heat, which is a show me and Jimmy executive produced along with Daniel and some other guys. And I really didn't do anything on it. And that's why it's so funny. It really is the funniest thing I've ever been involved with. And if you don't believe me, ask my dad. Luke warm on his son's material, but loves this, loves it raves.

27:08🔗 Jimmy Kimmel All right, let's get back to self-inflicted gunshot woman.

27:15🔗 Drew OK, so you've you're blinded by an attempted suicide. Bullets still in your in your head. You've been blind since you're 17. You're 21 now.

27:29🔗 Caller You're going to have Marilyn Manson in sometime.

27:32🔗 Drew Yeah, we are.

27:33🔗 Caller Oh, my gosh. I should have called then. But my mom hates him, but she burnt my Marilyn Manson CDs and everything and still hates him. I should have tried to call then or something, but I just wanted it to be so bad.

27:46🔗 Drew You know, when your kids blind, you don't have to actually go through and burn the stuff. You can't just set it on the shelf just out of the range and say you burned it.

27:52🔗 Caller Oh, they burned it before I was blind, though.

27:53🔗 Drew Oh, OK. Yeah, and then you got to burn it.

27:56🔗 Caller No, wait. They did get rid of it when I was in the hospital or something.

27:59🔗 Drew You see? I told you. It's probably still around. It's probably just...

28:03🔗 Caller Oh, and my back CD, too.

28:05🔗 Drew Probably just sitting in the refrigerator somewhere you wouldn't look for.

28:07🔗 Caller Uh-uh. They... I finally made her download them for me because I was going to go buy them again.

28:14🔗 Drew OK, baby doll.

28:14🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You said you had some...

28:15🔗 Drew Let's focus on the bigger picture here.

28:17🔗 Caller I don't like me downloading it free, but I've done about it once, so I think I earned it.

28:21🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You said you had some pretty bad relationships since this all happened.

28:24🔗 Caller What? Oh, we're going to there or something?

28:27🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Sure.

28:28🔗 Caller Well, see, I just broke up with this one guy. I went ahead and my mom said, you know, she didn't really call it a relationship or... And I don't even know if we were supposed to be going out, but I took it as we were going out.

28:40🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Why was your mom sort of making that kind of judgment?

28:44🔗 Caller Well, no, she liked me. It was actually, you know, my brother's friend or whatever, but... And...

28:50🔗 Drew Hey, Samantha.

28:51🔗 Caller Yeah?

28:51🔗 Drew Let me ask a few questions here.

28:53🔗 Caller I don't know what time you got... I mean, it said 12 o'clock and it was over, and so I started breaking down crying here and stuff. I was like... Because I thought it was so hard to try to get here.

29:02🔗 Drew Hold on, baby doll. Calm down. You're living at home, right?

29:06🔗 Caller Yeah. I'm trying to get assisted living so I'll be able to call when I want to and stuff. Like, if I want to call Loveline.

29:15🔗 Drew Oh, that's nice. Tell that to the person you're trying to get the assisted living money from.

29:20🔗 Caller Well, my mom don't like everything they talk about on Loveline, though, so.

29:24🔗 Drew Yeah, your mom's got a lot of, a lot of, hold on.

29:27🔗 Caller Well, she's listening, too.

29:29🔗 Drew Mom passing a lot of judgment for someone whose kid tried to put a bullet in their head. You know what I'm saying?

29:33🔗 Caller A lot of judgment.

29:35🔗 Drew I'm just saying, when your kid tries to snuff himself, maybe stop judging so much. That's all, that's all I'm saying.

29:42🔗 Caller Yeah.

29:43🔗 Drew Samantha?

29:43🔗 Caller Yeah, Virgo or whatever she is, her sign.

29:45🔗 Drew Well, that explains a lot.

29:47🔗 Caller Well, she looked it up and she said she's, it's like a perfectionist thing and she's always right. She's trying to be the best mother she can, but.

29:53🔗 Drew Sure. My mom was the same thing. If you call locking yourself in the room smoking weed and yelling, freak out.

29:59🔗 Caller Uh-huh. Well, I was. I might have technically been still high when I shot myself.

30:04🔗 Drew All right, so listen, Samantha, let's work on you.

30:09🔗 Caller Well, see, I could work on stuff forever on me.

30:12🔗 Drew Well, that's what life is, whether you're blind or living at home or not, it doesn't matter. It's just one big job.

30:19🔗 Caller I had to go back after this thing. I got well enough. I went back to therapy for like, I don't know if it was like six years or maybe it's a six years total with all the times I've been to therapy or something.

30:29🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That's good.

30:30🔗 Drew Let me give everyone a quick pep talk here. Drew, please stop me if I'm wrong. Life is a lot of work for everybody. It's a challenge for everybody. Some people.

30:40🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Some more than others.

30:42🔗 Drew Yeah. But some people sort of enjoy that challenge. It's sort of like exercise. Exercise is tiresome and painful. You can get injured. It's difficult for everybody. But some people enjoy that challenge, that rush. They like achieving this thing. But it's not as if it feels good to them. Do you know what I'm saying?

31:03🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I think.

31:03🔗 Drew You run. You take care of yourself. You lift weights. You work hard. It doesn't feel good, doesn't feel like you're getting a massage. Right. You like the feeling you get after it. And that's the way life is. People that achieve a lot don't just enjoy working. They get something from it. And so everybody should know that there's a lot of work involved with life. And they should, because they're alive and because there's someone like Samantha is going to be here for another 65 years, should start focusing on enjoying that process instead of fighting it. Don't fight that process.

31:38🔗 Jimmy Kimmel It never ends.

31:39🔗 Caller It never is.

31:39🔗 Jimmy Kimmel It never ends. That's right.

31:41🔗 Caller Go.

31:41🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yeah.

31:43🔗 Drew Enjoy it. Jump into it. I'm not saying you have to be happy about everything, but just treat it like a process. And I don't know. Samantha's got to stick with the therapy. Samantha's got a lot of stuff to do.

31:53🔗 Jimmy Kimmel It sounds like she needs some medication too.

31:55🔗 Drew And possibly some medication.

31:56🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Because she's had a biological injury and it sounds like she now can't contain impulses and her moods are very lay-by-on. And they can fight that with biology.

32:03🔗 Drew They do a lot of leaving the bullets in. Yeah. Chris? Yeah. I noticed doctors doing a lot of, if that bullet was just a couple of millimeters to the right. Oh, yeah. You'd be paralyzed. And do that. But they don't do it the other way where they go, yeah, you're in a wheelchair, you're a quad now, just a couple of centimeters to the left. You'd be fine. You'd be doing jumping jacks right now. Too bad.

32:26🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Nice.

32:27🔗 Drew They never do that.

32:28🔗 Jimmy Kimmel No. That would be when you lay on somebody.

32:30🔗 Drew Chris?

32:31🔗 Yeah.

32:32🔗 Drew You're 25? Yeah. You read Dr. Drew's book?

32:36🔗 Caller No, not yet. Not yet.

32:39🔗 Drew Fantastic. But thank you, buddy.

32:42🔗 Caller Hold on just one second here.

32:44🔗 Drew Oh, okay.

32:44🔗 Caller The reason why I called was because, well, one, you wrote a book and listed your show a lot. By the way, Adam, love your sarcasm. Bit extreme. But it's awesome. See that? And, Drew, I was just wondering something, man. Right now, I'm trying to write a book and 10 months through it, and I'm getting kind of worn out to the point where I'm just about to send it to somebody and see what they think.

33:11🔗 Drew Well, here's what you need to do. Let me just butt in. If you want to write a book, it's important to get a lot of books of people you admire and not read them and then write your own goddamn book. Right, Drew?

33:22🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Is that how you do it?

33:23🔗 Drew Is that how you did it? Of course. Of course. All right. So what? Why haven't you read Drew's book?

33:28🔗 Caller Why? Because I'm a fiction writer. That's the way I am.

33:31🔗 Drew But, you know. Did you buy Drew's book? Not yet.

33:35🔗 Jimmy Kimmel My book is out here alone.

33:38🔗 Drew Hold on. I just love the screen. It says, true. And this is what you get, by the way, for picking these callers, thinking you're going to get a fluff job going here. Inspired by your book. Inspired, inspired like, hey, if that jag off could write a book, I can write one, too. That's kind of that's the kind of inspiration Chris is talking about.

34:00🔗 Jimmy Kimmel The fact is, though, my book is like a fictionalized novel. It's a fictionalized nonfiction, basically, and it's a novel format. So it's what you're writing.

34:08🔗 Drew I drew. How would you write a book if you were talking to somebody who'd never written a book before and they wanted to write a book? Oh, come on, buddy. It's not that tough.

34:18🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You'd have to self-publish.

34:20🔗 Drew Chris?

34:21🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yeah. Because they only write books that they know are going to have a certain amount of sale.

34:25🔗 Drew I self-published like 26 times when my wife was in New York.

34:28🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Did you?

34:29🔗 Drew Yeah. Two times.

34:30🔗 Caller Self-published.

34:32🔗 Drew Chris? What's your book about?

34:37🔗 Caller I'll tell you this much.

34:41🔗 Drew I don't like anyone who starts with, tell you this much, like I'm on pins and needles over here. Drew, what should... I hate Chris, by the way. I hate guys like Chris. I don't know if you hate guys like Chris, but I hate guys like Chris. I'm going to tell you this much, buddy. Let me tell you that guy. I didn't read the book, but I can tell you this. I'm writing my own book, okay? I can't tell you what it's about. Here's what I found out in being in this business for ten years. The more somebody can't tell you what their project's about...

35:10🔗 Jimmy Kimmel The less you want to know.

35:11🔗 Drew The less you want to know. And the less impressed you'd be. The reason I can't tell you about it is because it's a piece of ass, not because you're going to take the crappy idea and run with it. But anyway, what would you do, Drew? Write a manuscript? Write a treatment?

35:25🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Get a book agent?

35:27🔗 Drew Get a book agent.

35:28🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You know, that's...

35:28🔗 Caller You can't get a book agent.

35:29🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That's what you'd first do.

35:31🔗 Drew How about writing a treatment?

35:31🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Then you'd write a treatment.

35:32🔗 Drew How about starting with some short stories and things like that, trying to get published?

35:36🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Neither of us really know how to do fiction. You know, I don't know how that's done.

35:39🔗 Drew How dare you? I do nothing but fiction. You didn't know that? I wrote, you know, I'm always writing those, I wrote that Buck Rogers spec script in the 80s. Remember that?

35:52🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Oh, for the animaniacs?

35:55🔗 Drew No. Rachel? Yes, I write animation. Rachel, you're 21. What's up?

36:03🔗 Caller Hello?

36:04🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yep.

36:05🔗 Caller Um, I was calling in to get some input on something that's been bothering me for a really long time. In fact, I've been trying to call and call Loveline for the past four years, I think. Whatever. Just to address this.

36:23🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You've been trying for four years.

36:25🔗 Caller Well, not exactly trying, but I mean, I remember the first time I tried calling, it was like four years ago. And it was for the very same, well, the similar thing, but anyway, I better get to it. I have had a problem on my mind.

36:42🔗 Today, Junior!

36:43🔗 Caller Hello?

36:45🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yeah.

36:47🔗 Drew Is it this phone? Is everything confusing to people to call this show? Like if you talk to them.

36:53🔗 Jimmy Kimmel They're thrown. You cannot speak.

36:56🔗 Drew I'll do a typical Loveline reenactment. You be you. All you gotta do is ask a question. I've been with my boyfriend for some time. We've been getting along fairly well. He's about my age.

37:11🔗 Jimmy Kimmel We How long have you been dating?

37:14🔗 Drew I gotta take you ten minutes to jump in.

37:15🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Let's see where you're going.

37:16🔗 Drew Jesus F. Let's try that again. I've been with my boyfriend for some time. We're somewhere around the same age.

37:24🔗 Jimmy Kimmel How old is he?

37:26🔗 Drew Pardon me?

37:29🔗 Jimmy Kimmel How old is he?

37:29🔗 Drew Hello? Like, I'm scared to talk when our callers call this show.

37:35🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I know.

37:36🔗 Drew What did you say? Now there's a weird back and forth that goes on for a second? Hello?

37:41🔗 Jimmy Kimmel It takes him five minutes to restart.

37:42🔗 Drew Yeah. Oh, anyway. How old is he? I've been with my boyfriend for some time. Now you gotta go back to the beginning because you screwed up. All right. It's like beating off to a DVD. Let me tell you why. Why? Because the DVD, the remote for the DVD is about the size of a hot dog bun with 750 microscopic buttons on it that all do different things. And the fast forward and the rewind and the skip, it's all the same button. It's about an eighth of an inch apart. It's dark and your thumb's got that big greasy noxema thumb and you have a couple of beers in you and your pants are around your ankles. And all of a sudden, right when you're thinking you're getting good, you hit it and it's like start at the beginning. The screen goes blue. There's big title thing that says, Operation Discontinue or something, you're like, no, I'll never get that one back. Yeah, I gotta work that out, Drew, because that is a goddamn disaster when that happens. And I'm looking to sue at that point.

38:52🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I would think.

38:53🔗 Drew If I had just a little more pride or a little less pride, I would sue some. I haven't figured it out, but there would be a lawsuit because all the buttons the same. And if you really, you just once at sixteenth of an inch, you hit the wrong one, the thing stops and goes to the beginning.

39:08🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You can't get back to where you were going through scenes.

39:10🔗 Drew You're what you're in the middle of scene twenty eight and it goes right back to the first one. All right. Who are we talking about? Rachel. She's got a masturbation problem. We're going to we're going to talk to her and Bobcat and Jimmy. Rachel. And hold on a second. All right.

39:30🔗 Jimmy Kimmel See, she's got a little cadence thing too on top of the usual love life problem.

39:34🔗 Drew Is your radio turned down?

39:36🔗 Caller Yes. My radio is turned down.

39:39🔗 Drew We will getting beginning back to you very soon. We have to take a short break. If that if those terms are acceptable, then you stay put. We will take a quick break. Bobcat Goldthwait, possibly Jimmy Kimmell will come into the studio and speak to us about Windy City Heat, their latest project and my latest project. Sunday, October 12th, Comedy Central, 9 o'clock. We'll be back after this. Loveline.

40:10🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Wait. My hair.

40:39🔗 Drew Hey, everybody, it's Loveline, a man, and that's Dr. Drew, phone number 1-800-LOVE-191-BEN-STEIN in here tomorrow night. Marilyn Manson on Wednesday night, Sarah Silverman from School of Rock, which I hear is fantastic. Thursday night, Jimmy called, Jimmy is on his way. He is in route, and Bobcat is in route home.

41:03🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Possibly.

41:04🔗 Drew Possibly. We're not sure. Anderson got a call from Jimmy. Jimmy is probably on his way to the old studio.

41:11🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Oh.

41:13🔗 Drew All right. Windy City Heat is the name of the project. Sunday night, October 12th on Comedy Central, 9 o'clock. Adam Corolla's father calls it the finest work he barely was in. Huge fan.

41:25🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Is that anything to do with?

41:27🔗 Drew My dad laughed his ass off.

41:28🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That's amazing.

41:29🔗 Drew And I laughed my ass off. Solid. I'm not kidding either. You guys watch it Sunday night, then call us, tell us what you think. Hysterical. Rachel?

41:38🔗 Caller Hello?

41:39🔗 Drew You're 21?

41:40🔗 Caller Yes.

41:41🔗 Drew Yes. Okay. So you started masturbating at age seven.

41:47🔗 Caller And I wanted to know if that was anything of an oddity.

41:53🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Well, a little bit. And as usual with human beings, things don't exist in a vacuum, so to speak. Things suggest other things.

42:01🔗 Drew I thought I heard a smoke detector, Drew.

42:04🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I thought I heard her move some dishes around or something.

42:07🔗 Drew I thought I heard both. Rachel?

42:08🔗 Caller Yes.

42:09🔗 Drew Are you in the same room you were just in?

42:11🔗 Caller Yes, I am.

42:12🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Don't move.

42:13🔗 Drew Is there a smoke detector in that room? No, there is not?

42:19🔗 Caller No, but I have a lot of smoke detectors in my home.

42:23🔗 Drew You do? Is the battery low in one of them?

42:27🔗 Caller Probably not. I think my mom just changed the batteries.

42:33🔗 Jimmy Kimmel We'll be the judge of that.

42:34🔗 Drew Let's keep talking.

42:36🔗 Jimmy Kimmel So anyway, masturbating at seven can be something that doesn't mean anything, but oftentimes it does. And given particularly your sort of cadence and how you make us feel, Adam will correct me if I'm wrong, but I would say something probably was going on that was causing you to kind of self-stimulate that way. Some chaos or I thought I just heard something too.

42:59🔗 Caller I can't really hear you that well.

43:02🔗 Drew Yeah. We're going nuts because we think we hear a smoke detector chirping in the background. You don't hear it?

43:11🔗 Caller I don't hear it.

43:12🔗 Drew We'll take your word for it. Although, whenever we do hear it, the person on the other line says they don't hear it and then we hear it later.

43:18🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I don't know what we're talking about.

43:20🔗 Drew But Rachel, were you ever abused in any way? Any trauma?

43:24🔗 Caller When I was molested, when I was like four years old.

43:28🔗 Drew There you go.

43:29🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That's what I'm talking about.

43:30🔗 Drew Who did that to you?

43:32🔗 Caller It was a distant friend of my parent that I was with. So it happened when I was really young.

43:43🔗 Drew Have you ever gotten any therapy?

43:46🔗 Caller I'm in therapy right now. But I haven't been able to tell my doctor about this because it's really difficult for me. And so I thought that it would be easier if I were to do this like anonymously kind of.

43:59🔗 Jimmy Kimmel It's a very important part of your therapy. You must talk about it. Unless you're able to be trusting and open with your therapist, you're not really going to get anywhere.

44:07🔗 Drew I find in my therapy when something is difficult for me to share with my therapist, I do it in song.

44:15🔗 Jimmy Kimmel If you'd been abused, how would you do it?

44:16🔗 Drew Bring an acoustic guitar in there. Oftentimes, I'll use a guy. You know, be accompanied by somebody. Actually, I used a guy from Andy Dick's band.

44:25🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I was just thinking about him.

44:30🔗 Drew And every song just starts like a Gordon Lightfoot song. It eventually goes into molestation. Your son is gay.

44:44🔗 Jimmy Kimmel We knew that something was up with you just the way. The cadence.

44:49🔗 Drew Speak to the shrink, please.

44:51🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You've got to really work on this stuff. Yes, the masturbation is something the kids do when they have been abused, absolutely. Yeah?

44:58🔗 Drew You're 22?

44:59🔗 Caller That's right.

45:00🔗 Drew You use LSD and mushrooms?

45:03🔗 Caller Mostly just mushrooms, but yeah, pretty often.

45:06🔗 Drew Three times a week for two years?

45:08🔗 Caller No, it's probably been like three times a week for like the last like eight months, but then pretty like regularly for like the past couple years.

45:16🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And then again, just like with our last call, Dan, it's not that surprising just listening to his cadence and rhythm.

45:23🔗 Drew Shrooms, that's a tall order to do all the time. That takes a little work.

45:28🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And like LSD, we expect to see some real serious brain injuries.

45:31🔗 Drew Well, we're keeping our fingers crossed.

45:33🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Do you still see trailers?

45:34🔗 Caller Oh, no, not at all.

45:35🔗 Jimmy Kimmel No trailers, good.

45:37🔗 Drew When you take the shrooms, do you get off on them? Do you see things? Do you hallucinate?

45:45🔗 Caller I don't really hallucinate as much. I think it's more just like body sensations.

45:51🔗 Drew Well, listen, believe in the hallucination. You take enough of them, you'll hallucinate.

45:55🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yeah, by the way, Dan, it's not about believing or not believing. It's a biological event in your brain.

46:00🔗 Drew Ten million stoners can't be wrong.

46:02🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I mean, you think we're all just making this up? We can induce it.

46:05🔗 Drew I've hallucinated from mushrooms.

46:07🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I understand, but it's from a specific...

46:09🔗 Drew I'm high right now.

46:10🔗 Jimmy Kimmel No doubt.

46:11🔗 Drew Go ahead, I'm sorry.

46:12🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I'm just saying, it's a specific brain activation that causes hallucinations. And part of that, when you do that to brain tissue, it does something called excitotoxicity, where the sort of excessive amounts of the brain chemical being released and those chemicals become free radicals and destroy the brain tissue.

46:29🔗 Drew Well, let me just do my stupid math here for you guys real quick. If you're super, and we never talk about this in society, we don't think in terms of dumb and stupid, but here's the deal. If you're a super intelligent guy, I mean, if you're smoking crack whip smart, you can do some drugs and it just knocks you down to a little above average. It dulls you a little bit. You're like a samurai sword that is so sharp, it can take being ground on a rock a little bit. It's still a dangerous weapon. But what we have is we got guys with a spatula that have one sharp edge on them.

47:07🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Right.

47:07🔗 Drew And when they start grinding that thing on the rock of drugs, now they're left with nothing. Now they've gone from quasi-retarded, not too quick, to semi-retarded or fully retarded and unemployable. That's what they've gotten.

47:23🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I like your theory, except there's a missing piece in it, which is that it doesn't affect intellect as much as emotional functioning. It sort of makes a Swiss cheese-like effect on the brain's functions.

47:31🔗 Drew When a guy's been doing a lot of shrooms, a lot of LSD, a lot of weed, and you talk to the guy 10 years after he started or 5 years after, you know it. And so does the guy who's looking at his application at the bank.

47:43🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That's right.

47:44🔗 Drew All right. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back.

47:46🔗 Alright guys, bottom line, here's the deal.

47:48🔗 Caller Looking to hook up?

47:49🔗 Caller Sick of wasting time with the wrong person?

47:51🔗 Caller One call is all you need to make. Call the Dateline. 877-889-DATE. Loveline, with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

48:02🔗 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

48:34🔗 Drew That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Jimmy Kimmell's just entered the studio. The great Jimmy Kimmell.

48:41🔗 Adam Thank you. So happy to be here. So happy to meet you guys. I love the show. I listen to it every night.

48:44🔗 Drew I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I don't think it's the wrong way. You look better in person than you do on TV.

48:49🔗 Jimmy Kimmel He does, doesn't he?

48:50🔗 Drew I think it adds a couple of pounds or something.

48:52🔗 Adam By the way, did you see that thing I got from that guy today where I had work? I got some photographs of a guy who looks exactly like me. But better. Everyone, he's exactly like me, exactly like me. And he's amazed at how many people come up to him and think that he's me. And he's about at least 50 pounds every night.

49:10🔗 Caller And he's, I mean, it's really, it's humiliating.

49:12🔗 Adam It is.

49:12🔗 Drew Whenever somebody looks like you, it's always, it's always a bad thing.

49:16🔗 Adam It's never a step up.

49:17🔗 Drew It's never a step up. Or if it is a step up, people qualify it. They go, this is the handsome Adam Carolla. They don't realize that's insulting.

49:29🔗 Adam He's like you if you were like, if you looked like handsome, if you were like a better looking person.

49:33🔗 Drew Jimmy would always do that with Pete Sampras. Adam, you're like, you're like, he's like the handsome version of you.

49:40🔗 Caller He's like, if you're good like that.

49:41🔗 Adam Adam's like, a less attractive version of Pete Sampras. Although I think you've now passed him because he's gone bald and he looks weird now. He looks like his hair is falling out in patches.

49:50🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Really?

49:51🔗 Drew It always amazes me where guys who make, you know, 60 million dollars a year have hairs fall out in handfuls and never do anything about it. And, and.

50:02🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Why should they?

50:03🔗 Drew Why should they? Cause you just, because we're talking about him right now. Now I'm better looking than he is.

50:08🔗 Adam But his wife.

50:09🔗 Drew I've overtaken him.

50:10🔗 Caller His wife is spectacular.

50:11🔗 Drew But I can have her now.

50:13🔗 Caller Because I'm better.

50:14🔗 Adam Bridget, what's her name, Bridget Hall? Is her name Bridget?

50:17🔗 Drew Bridget Hall, yeah.

50:18🔗 Adam She's absolutely spectacular. She's like the only thing the reason to watch tennis really is because they might go to a shot of her.

50:26🔗 Drew Yeah, yeah, it's like when Jason Seahorn plays once in a while they cut up the Angie Harmon up in the stands and you can, if you're quick, you can squeeze one off. It's only a matter of seconds and you'll have to get started. But if you time it just right, it's spectacular.

50:40🔗 Adam When do we go on? Oh, we're on?

50:43🔗 Drew Windy City Heat is the name of the show.

50:46🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yeah, Adam talks about masturbation.

50:47🔗 Adam It's a movie.

50:48🔗 Jimmy Kimmel As much on the air as off the air.

50:50🔗 Adam I'd say he talks a little bit more about it off the air. I have a horrible story about Adam that I learned that I don't think you know about that I'll share a little later in the show.

50:58🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Oh, no, that's cruel. It's called a tease.

51:00🔗 Drew It's called a tease.

51:01🔗 Adam It keeps people listening. It's for your ratings, Drew. I'm doing it for you.

51:04🔗 Drew Speaking of ratings, Ben Stein tomorrow night, I don't know if you've met. Have you met? Great guy. Oh, Ben's here tomorrow night? Oh, the Jewish gentleman.

51:11🔗 Adam Ben's on our show tomorrow night. Oh.

51:13🔗 Drew Well, then he'll be late for this show. That's tomorrow night. Him and Bobcat are gonna be here.

51:19🔗 Caller We really have to merge. We have to merge the shows.

51:22🔗 Drew Or at least just dig a tunnel between here and JKL. Also, Marilyn Manson Wednesday night and Sarah Silverman, not sure if you guys have met, coming in Thursday night.

51:32🔗 Adam Well, we have, yeah. Well, that's something. That'll be a good time.

51:35🔗 Drew So, let's talk about Windy City Heat.

51:37🔗 Adam Windy City Heat is a movie. It's on Comedy Central this Sunday night at nine o'clock. It is something, there's a man named Perry that we've been screwing with for 11 years. These guys, Don Barus and Tony Barbieri, have been screwing with him. And they've made tapes of all sorts with the guy and there's some hilarious stuff. And we decided to make a movie out of it. Now, Perry thinks he's the star of a major motion picture called Windy City Heat. He plays stone furious sports private investigator and he gets the girls and he gets to fight the bad guys. What we doesn't realize is the whole movie is the behind the scenes of the movie. It is like the Truman Show if the Truman Show was filled with pranks. In other words, there's one guy that the whole world is watching. There are at least 100 people involved with the production of this. Perry is the only one that doesn't know what's going on.

52:29🔗 Drew It's the Truman Show if Jim Carrey was actually Truman, the character, and had no idea what was going on.

52:36🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Is it like Joe Schmo?

52:37🔗 Adam It's no, it's not exactly like that. It's much deeper than that.

52:42🔗 Drew It's more layered. That's a bagel.

52:43🔗 Jimmy Kimmel The way Adam is a less good looking version of Pete Sampras.

52:49🔗 Adam It's even more dramatic than that.

52:50🔗 Jimmy Kimmel It's like a bagel?

52:50🔗 Drew All right, I was gonna say it's like a bagel and this is a croissant, but you just kept rolling right along.

52:57🔗 Adam Yeah, yeah.

52:58🔗 Drew Keep talking, keep talking. All right, where are we?

53:00🔗 Adam Watch it anyway, it's funny, it's really funny. It's a classic. We already have some very famous people that are big fans of it. Eminem is a very big fan of the movie. He's watched it a million times. Robin Williams, Pete Sampras loves the movie.

53:16🔗 Drew He and Bridget Hall, Fred Savage, a huge fan of it.

53:19🔗 Adam Who's vowed to destroy me and claims the two of you were booed off the stage at Stanford University.

53:26🔗 Drew Yeah, you know, it's funny, I was just talking to Drew about this before the show, which is like, I've gotten many bad reviews over the years. And unfortunately, Drew, almost like Hitler's dog, gets lumped in with a lot of this bad stuff. Like Drew's just sitting around trying to keep the kids off the heroin, but when they bring me up, they'll take a few jabs at him too, just because we sit in the same room every night.

53:49🔗 Adam Right.

53:50🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I remember smugly preening.

53:51🔗 Drew Smugly preening, that's right. During one of the interviews that was just, it started off as a bad interview for the Man Show, or bad review for the Man Show, and just turned into a quick knee in the groin for Drew too, which is funny. But yes, it's Fred Savage, who obviously has a bone to pick with Jimmy Kimmell, has now attacked me as well.

54:12🔗 Adam Where did that come from? He doesn't like Ben Stein either, and Ben was on the show with him on The Wonder Years. Apparently, I made a joke about him on Letterman, which is a very mild joke. I barely even remember saying it, and he's never forgiven. He remembers every word of it, which is the sign that it really traumatized somebody when they recounted it with every, I was like, I don't think so. I don't think, he's like, oh yes, yes, yes, yes. And he goes into the details of it.

54:40🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Would he accept an apology from you?

54:41🔗 Caller I tried to apologize.

54:43🔗 Adam He wanted none of it. But I was snickering the whole time. I think he was, I'm not sure if he was kidding. I don't know. He was about 70% serious and 30% kidding.

54:52🔗 Drew This is at the Playboy Mansion.

54:54🔗 Adam But he's vowed to destroy me.

54:58🔗 Drew He's probably one of these guys, by the way, that's like a fifth degree black belt in taekwondo or something, little guys that always get into that. But it's always kind of cute when you find out that Webster is a sixth degree in Shotokai or something.

55:12🔗 Caller You're like, ah, all right.

55:14🔗 Adam Imagine how humiliating I get my ass kicked by Kevin from Wonder Years.

55:18🔗 Caller It would be good though. It would be good for you. It'd be a good story.

55:22🔗 Drew Michael?

55:22🔗 Caller Uh-huh.

55:23🔗 Drew You're 25?

55:24🔗 Caller Yeah, I'm a big fan of y'all show. Adam, you're awesome. Drew, you're good too.

55:30🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Hey, hang on a second, Michael. What time is the show on Sunday night? October 12th.

55:33🔗 Drew Nine o'clock.

55:34🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Windy City Heat.

55:34🔗 Adam Windy City Heat, it's a movie, not a show.

55:36🔗 Drew It's a movie.

55:37🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Is it just one airing? Is it gonna have a repeat performance?

55:40🔗 Adam It will repeat as Comedy Central is known to do, but I'm not sure when exactly.

55:44🔗 Drew You don't wanna count on that. You wanna catch it out of the gate.

55:46🔗 Adam Well, everyone will be talking about it.

55:48🔗 Drew That's right. Michael?

55:50🔗 Caller Yeah, I can't never really get my wife past the tip of the finger as far as anal.

55:59🔗 Drew What century are you calling from, Michael? Do they have phones in your century? I think we have a math problem here. He's calling from the 1700s.

56:08🔗 Adam This is the guy from The Simpsons, I think.

56:10🔗 Drew Yeah, the guy with all the kids. Hey, Cletus, what's up? So you can't never give your wife what?

56:17🔗 Caller Well, she can't really get past just the tip of the finger anally. I mean, some women, you know, they can get pounded. You know, how do you get past that?

56:25🔗 Drew What Michael is not saying is that he's leading with the elbow. So it's a real tall order to get past that second knuckle.

56:32🔗 Caller That's what we call the hard way.

56:34🔗 Drew Yeah, that's right. I'm going to bring you up to my knuckle, but I'm going with the elbow.

56:38🔗 Jimmy Kimmel He's got that gentleman's twang. Dundalli Cotillion boy.

56:42🔗 Drew Yeah. Hey, maybe that's just her.

56:46🔗 Adam Does she want to?

56:47🔗 Caller Oh, yes, she wants to, but I guess I get, you know, I'm not hung like a small pony or anything, but she just can't get past the, I guess the size of her back there.

56:56🔗 Jimmy Kimmel This is as a Mason jar joking.

56:58🔗 Drew Michael, you're really, you're not real, are you?

57:01🔗 Caller No, I'm serious.

57:02🔗 Adam My wife, she, she, What's her name?

57:04🔗 Caller Her name's Linda.

57:08🔗 Drew You're calling from Georgia? Uh-huh. What part of Georgia?

57:12🔗 Caller Canton.

57:12🔗 Drew What station do you listen to us on?

57:15🔗 Caller 96 Rock.

57:16🔗 Adam Ah-ha. Well, those are questions that he can answer. You know what I did when I had this problem with my lover, Adam.

57:26🔗 Caller No, what you need to do is-

57:28🔗 Adam Remember my penis hole almost closed up?

57:31🔗 Drew Oh, yeah.

57:32🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I was there.

57:32🔗 Adam Yes, you were more than just there. You were there.

57:35🔗 Drew We all remember where we were. It's like Kennedy being shot.

57:38🔗 Adam Well, what they did was they put a series of rods graduating in size to enlarge the opening. Right.

57:45🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Spikes, though, I believe, in your case.

57:46🔗 Adam Yeah, so what you gotta do is start small and then stretch, stretch, stretch, stretch, stretch until she looks like a tent.

57:54🔗 Drew Right.

57:54🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And they have little devices, I guess, you can get. But it doesn't sound like somebody who would enjoy this. I don't think she really wants it as much as Michael suspects she is.

58:01🔗 Drew They have like those loose sight, sort of graduated in size, anal.

58:05🔗 Adam Yes, Drew has those.

58:06🔗 Drew Anal.

58:07🔗 Adam In his trunk.

58:07🔗 Drew They're sort of a shape of a bishop or something that just keeps getting bigger.

58:12🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I've not seen the kids.

58:14🔗 Drew They have them for the vagina, though, yes.

58:15🔗 Jimmy Kimmel They have them to make vaginas kind of thing when they were trying to make a vagina. When the male, female.

58:22🔗 Adam They look like little plastic Christmas trees.

58:24🔗 Drew I tried that, too, with the thing and the vagina, but the ground beef wouldn't hold its shape. I found.

58:30🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You try. I'll switch back to cantaloupes.

58:32🔗 Drew Yeah.

58:32🔗 Caller All right.

58:35🔗 Adam Let's talk to Trae. Some problem.

58:39🔗 Drew Yeah. All right, let's talk. Wait a minute, I got a plan. Michael. Uh-huh? Start, I got something that's about the right size. The cork from your jug should be about the right size to get started with, all right? And then your harmonica case. Okay.

58:56🔗 Adam Slide it in there with the banjo pick.

58:58🔗 Drew And then the banjo pick. All right. Thanks, man. All right, good times.

59:03🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I don't think that was real.

59:04🔗 Drew I don't think it was real either, but he was definitely calling from Georgia. Well, let's talk to Trey, who's...

59:10🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You pushed on Michael.

59:11🔗 Drew Oh, wait, I screwed that up. Trey on line two.

59:14🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You pushed on Michael.

59:14🔗 Adam I like watching Adam operate a computer. It's like watching monkeys pick different symbols. When they have the monkey.

59:25🔗 All right, Trey.

59:26🔗 Drew 24, what's up? Good.

59:28🔗 Caller Good. I've got a question about... You guys talked to Rachel just a little bit ago about masturbation, right? I sometimes would rather masturbate to a good looking chick in a magazine or maybe even a movie or whatever, rather than have sex with my beautiful girlfriend. And our relationship's really good.

59:47🔗 Jimmy Kimmel How often do you have that desire?

59:50🔗 Caller How to have what?

59:51🔗 Jimmy Kimmel How often do you do that?

59:53🔗 Caller Probably once a day.

59:54🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And how often do you have sex with her?

59:57🔗 Caller How often do I have sex with her? Yeah. Well, she's down at college right now, but when she's here, every day.

1:00:08🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And then you're also masturbating when she's here?

1:00:10🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:00:11🔗 Jimmy Kimmel So you just double down?

1:00:13🔗 Caller Yeah. I just like to get off. Am I wrong? Is that bad or what?

1:00:19🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Does it affect your performance or anything or your relationship?

1:00:21🔗 Caller That was my second question is that sometimes I premature ejaculate.

1:00:27🔗 Jimmy Kimmel If anything, this would be better for that.

1:00:29🔗 Caller That's what I was thinking, but it doesn't.

1:00:31🔗 Caller And it kind of, it's kind of like a release. I'd like to masturbate before and then I lost a little bit longer, but it's kind of embarrassing. I want to get into the moment with her and I want to make her orgasm also, but.

1:00:43🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Well, she may not be able to.

1:00:44🔗 Adam It's only one solution, go for three.

1:00:46🔗 Drew Yeah. How about that? You risk the calf cramp, but I think it's well worth it.

1:00:51🔗 Caller She can orgasm. It just takes, you know, women are, it takes them a little bit longer sometimes, but.

1:00:56🔗 Drew No, I don't.

1:00:57🔗 Caller If I could hold out for another five minutes.

1:00:59🔗 Adam You wear a condom?

1:01:01🔗 Caller Sometimes.

1:01:02🔗 Adam Well, you should just wear it. That'll slow things down, right?

1:01:05🔗 Drew You rub a little coke on your dork like Drew.

1:01:08🔗 Caller I've also tried a kind of a, you know.

1:01:10🔗 Drew Sometimes you have to bang it around and get it started just a little bit.

1:01:13🔗 Adam You know, it's wonderful for the penis aura gel.

1:01:17🔗 Drew Numbs it up. You won't even know you have one.

1:01:19🔗 Jimmy Kimmel There are these numbing agents now.

1:01:21🔗 Adam But don't they numb her, too?

1:01:23🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I imagine. And they have shown some effect on the man.

1:01:25🔗 Drew All right, so.

1:01:26🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I guess you could put it under the condom.

1:01:28🔗 Drew Trey's fine. And if he wants to beat off before, do it.

1:01:32🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Good times.

1:01:33🔗 Drew Don't do that thing where you include her. That's what all those old, you know, all those sex therapists are in their 50s and it's really gross when they're talking about sex. And they're like, include your partner. Have your partner come, no, no, no. You go in the bathroom and beat off with dignity and the door closed and the water running and then you come in and have sex. Don't try to include her. I always hate all that. Have her help you put the condom on. Make it into something. It's always weird, isn't it?

1:02:00🔗 Adam It's just because of what they look like.

1:02:01🔗 Jimmy Kimmel It's also...

1:02:02🔗 Drew Maybe that's it.

1:02:03🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That's how women think too. They think men would like that.

1:02:06🔗 Drew Yeah, we don't need that.

1:02:08🔗 Adam There are no male sex therapists really, are there?

1:02:10🔗 Jimmy Kimmel They're not around, are they?

1:02:12🔗 Drew Once in a while, we had that guy on the show acclaimed you could have like a two-hour orgasm. But, yeah, the one-hour orgasm is like the squirrel that water skis up next on the news. So, the guy says, you can have a one-hour orgasm, and you think, oh my God, the room is going to be filled with semen.

1:02:31🔗 Caller This is huge.

1:02:32🔗 Drew You're going to open the door and you're going to go down the stairs with the sofas behind you. You spill out onto the street. It's like you're at a Knott's Berry farm or something, but you think, and it's the same thing like when they go, next up, a squirrel that water skis, and you go, what is a squirrel water ski? And then they show it, and it's a squirrel that's been stapled to a piece of plywood. The pole rope is attached to the piece of plywood. The squirrel ain't holding it, and then the boat is dragging around this thing. The squirrel's too scared to jump on it.

1:03:03🔗 Adam The squirrel's more hostage than a water skier.

1:03:06🔗 Drew And when it stops, it still floats, it just sits there. It doesn't fall into the water, it doesn't need the speed of the boat. That's how life is. It's like when you're a kid, and it's like, 8 foot high, giant remote control robot, $8, does your bidding for you.

1:03:21🔗 Adam Yes, the hovercraft, you can build yourself.

1:03:24🔗 Drew Standing over your teacher going, Jimmy does not want to do homework this week.

1:03:29🔗 Adam Do you remember those giant ghosts that you could buy through the comic book? I ordered that, you know what it is?

1:03:33🔗 Drew String and a balloon.

1:03:34🔗 Adam It's a balloon. Oh, it's an, and you know, that's when you realize there's no justice and life isn't fair. Your parents try to teach you, but it's when you scrape together $3.95 and you're 8 years old and you order some piece of crap like those x-ray specs, which should be illegal, I believe should be the district attorney of every state should look into that because they, you cannot see through clothes. You can't even, it's not even near being able to see through clothes.

1:04:01🔗 Drew Well, here's the better part. If they're legal, they should, if they work, they should be illegal. Like you're walking down the street looking at a bunch of women in their bra and panties. There should be a law against that. So if they don't work, they should be illegal because they're false claims being made. If they do work, they should be illegal because they work. But yes, all that stuff in life you quickly realize does not work at all.

1:04:23🔗 Adam And how did this, I don't know, but you need to start masturbating a third time. That's all.

1:04:28🔗 Drew That's what it is. All right. And they do have that stuff at the store that numbs you up a little bit. So I hear.

1:04:34🔗 Adam I have to believe it numbs the woman up, too, though.

1:04:36🔗 Jimmy Kimmel But they put it under a condom?

1:04:38🔗 Adam Maybe so.

1:04:39🔗 Drew And plus you get that little psychological advantage to rubbing something on there. You know what I'm saying?

1:04:45🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Some guys might finish them off.

1:04:49🔗 Drew I think I'll just put a little more on her. Yeah. Just like that. Amber? You're 23? What's up?

1:04:59🔗 Caller I know Dr. Drew has a lot of experience with addiction and I am taking Vicodin and I had it for a valid reason. I broke two toes at work and I had to take it at work because I have to be on my feet. I'm a bartender and I have to be on my feet all the time. So I totally had a legitimate reason to be taking it.

1:05:17🔗 Jimmy Kimmel All of my patients start with a legitimate reason and then they get addicted.

1:05:20🔗 Caller Believe me Dr. Drew, there is addiction all around me and I'm the only survivor of my whole family that hasn't had a problem with alcohol.

1:05:27🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Well, but now it sounds like you're getting going.

1:05:30🔗 Drew How did you break your toes at work?

1:05:32🔗 Caller My asshole, sorry, my other bartender dropped a friggin keg on my toes.

1:05:37🔗 Drew Oh really? Oh that's bad.

1:05:39🔗 Caller I know it was really bad.

1:05:41🔗 Drew I know. And it's always horrible to do stuff to chicks or gays because they cry and they squeal and you're standing over them like.

1:05:48🔗 Caller Adam, I was so good. I was tearing and I wasn't crying.

1:05:51🔗 Drew I know, but guys feel horrible.

1:05:55🔗 Adam The fact that she's still working.

1:05:56🔗 Drew That is pretty good.

1:05:57🔗 Adam Most people will go for that workers comp and that's the end of it.

1:06:01🔗 Drew You're a hero, Amber. Why didn't you just tell your work you need a month off?

1:06:06🔗 Caller I was limping around but my bar is not too long so I could just kind of.

1:06:10🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That doesn't answer the question.

1:06:11🔗 Caller Why was I working?

1:06:13🔗 Drew You had a coworker injure you at the job. Why didn't you take a month off?

1:06:18🔗 Caller Because I was to go on disability or workers comp I mean I make $300 a night in tips and if I was to go on you know what I mean? There's no way. So anyway the doctor gave me Vicodin. I was taking it every shift just I was totally following doctor's orders just taking one per shift. It was getting me through my night and I was realizing wow you know this stuff like kind of gives me like a rush like I'm like on the gas like I can go you know like way more so than if I'm like not. And so I was realizing oh my god I'm making so much more money. I'm like my guests are like loving me even more I mean they love me anyway but you know I can talk I can make three drinks and have a conversation with two people at the same time.

1:06:54🔗 Drew The restaurant trains you to look at the boozers as guests or to refer to the luscious to come in and hit on you as guests.

1:07:02🔗 Caller We can't say the same word.

1:07:04🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Lucky's.

1:07:05🔗 Drew All right so.

1:07:06🔗 Caller And then I so then I stopped taking it because I've you know my toes my toes were healed and I stopped taking it and I was going oh my god I seriously like can't function like I went to work one night and I was totally screwing everything up all right are you high now yeah I took a little bit yeah this morning you guys okay and what see what made me realize that I that I might have a problem is I went to the crooked doctor because my doctor cut me off so I went to the crooked doctor yeah you're on your way Amber this is how it starts Dr. Drew you mean Dr. Drew what would be so wrong with I mean I make more money I don't get out of it I'm with Amber you probably put out too I'm not a stupid person you guys I went through college I mean I'm not dumb Amber it changes the chemistry of your brain permanently you'll go deaf it will progress and it will have very dire consequences you will have trouble stopping even now you can possibly not be able to stop Drew tells me that he's had patients that have been on a hundred Vicodin a day like I'm always amazed with people I'm amazed at when guys like I would drink a case of beer a day and stuff like how do you physically have time to do that get off like they get off the internet they get off multiple doctors they you know they have they have one every day what do they eat them like like you eat raisin bran in the morning yes milk and you're just chomping down the Vicodin every every hour and a half they're going for like five or so and wow and then the last guy most of my addicts most of my Vicodin addicts are 30 to 50 a day you realize that she doesn't think she has a problem I know because we're talking about this day But those are the more progressed cases.

1:08:39🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And the guy that I had was taking 100 a day went stone cold deaf all of a sudden. Kind of like Rush. But, interesting. And I don't know what's going on with him, but.

1:08:49🔗 Drew Did the guys hear him come back?

1:08:50🔗 Adam I've heard people say that too.

1:08:51🔗 Jimmy Kimmel They have to get cochlear implants.

1:08:53🔗 Drew Really? Did they get what he got? Interesting.

1:08:57🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Doesn't mean it's what he is or had, but sort of suspicious.

1:09:01🔗 Drew Helping connect some of the dots though.

1:09:03🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Suspicious.

1:09:03🔗 Adam So what should she do then, Drew?

1:09:05🔗 Jimmy Kimmel She's got to stop and probably you're going to have to consult with someone, Amber, because you really sort of flip the switch a little bit on this disease.

1:09:10🔗 Adam Consult with the real doctor who cut her off.

1:09:12🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That's not a bad idea. A guy who has identified a problem here would maybe have been in a position to refer you, Amber.

1:09:17🔗 Drew And also you being a bartender, you're going to need to talk to somebody and you can't talk to another bartender because you're a bartender. You have to talk to a hairstylist. These are the two people in society you need to talk to.

1:09:28🔗 Adam What's that?

1:09:29🔗 Caller I know that you, Adam, enjoy a couple drinks once in a while. I don't drink. I don't do drugs.

1:09:34🔗 Drew I had like 17 on Saturday.

1:09:36🔗 Adam Well, you do do drugs.

1:09:37🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Amber, you're doing opiates now.

1:09:39🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:09:39🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And I don't- I don't abuse them.

1:09:41🔗 Caller I only take one or two.

1:09:42🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Well, then why are you calling? Why are you calling?

1:09:45🔗 Caller Because I'm just realizing that it might be, when I don't take it, I feel weird.

1:09:48🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Amber, it is, and let me be clear to you, it is a problem.

1:09:52🔗 Caller It is.

1:09:53🔗 Drew And let's not drug my-

1:09:55🔗 Adam She knows it is.

1:09:55🔗 Drew Let's not drag my addiction into this conversation. I have a couple glasses of red wine, you know, when I come home, I unwind.

1:10:02🔗 Adam I got to tell the terrible thing, but I'll wait. We'll tell you in commercial, right? And then I'll tell. Sure.

1:10:08🔗 Jimmy Kimmel We had the play by matching with him?

1:10:09🔗 Adam Yeah, I was.

1:10:10🔗 Jimmy Kimmel He got wasted, then he came home and had his red wine.

1:10:12🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:10:13🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Nice.

1:10:13🔗 Adam I don't blame him.

1:10:14🔗 Drew That's commitment. That's commitment. I think Jimmy, I'm in the wine of the month club. Yeah. A nice couple bottles of red wine waiting for me when I get home.

1:10:22🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You put him in that? Yeah.

1:10:23🔗 Drew It's nice.

1:10:24🔗 Adam I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

1:10:26🔗 Jimmy Kimmel No, for most people, but for people like him, it's-

1:10:27🔗 Adam What do you mean people like him?

1:10:29🔗 Drew No, he likes to, he likes to screw with me.

1:10:31🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I mean, take a little Vicodin tonight, take some codeine, smoke a little heroin.

1:10:35🔗 Drew Okay, Drew.

1:10:36🔗 Adam Adam doesn't drink that much.

1:10:39🔗 Drew No, I can, and I can maintain.

1:10:41🔗 Jimmy Kimmel See?

1:10:41🔗 Drew That's my whole thing.

1:10:42🔗 Jimmy Kimmel His point is not that he drinks that much, he maintains.

1:10:44🔗 Drew Yes, I'm a pro.

1:10:45🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yeah, it doesn't say he doesn't drink that much, just maintains what he does every day.

1:10:50🔗 Drew I know for a fact I'm funnier, I drive better, and I'm certainly better looking with a couple glasses of wine in me.

1:10:54🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Together you're thinking just the same way.

1:10:56🔗 Drew All right, we're gonna take a quick break. Jimmy Kimmell here tonight from Jimmy Kimmell Live.

1:11:02🔗 Adam When we come back, I'll tell somebody terrible that Adam Carolla.

1:11:05🔗 Drew Yeah, it's horrible and humiliating. 1205 everybody, Monday through Friday, the show Bobcat Goldthwait guest hosting this week and Windy City Heat coming out this Sunday, this Sunday the 12th at nine o'clock. Great movie, gotta see it. We'll take a break, we'll be right back.

1:11:22🔗 Caller If you need help, hang up and then die, die.

1:11:27🔗 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:11:29🔗 Caller Love Line will be right back.

1:11:57🔗 Drew That's Dr. Drew, Jimmy Kimmell in studio tonight. Tomorrow night, Ben Stein, Marilyn Manson on Wednesday night, and Sarah Silverman on Thursday night. Windy City Heat is the name of the movie, and it's on Comedy Central. It's a made-for-television or made-for-Comedy Central movie that really could have stood for a theatrical release. Yeah. It's just a great movie. I saw one of the screenings of it about a month ago, and it just laughed my ass off.

1:12:30🔗 Adam It is very funny. The whole movie is a prank on one guy named Perry, and the things that he believes. People think, oh, this can't possibly be real, but if you really watch it, you know that it's absolutely real and that he absolutely believes everything that he's being told.

1:12:45🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Speaking of terrible things.

1:12:46🔗 Drew Sunday nights, by the way. Sunday night.

1:12:48🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Oh, yes.

1:12:48🔗 Drew Nine o'clock.

1:12:49🔗 Adam So I learned something about my friend Adam Carolla. I thought I knew everything about Adam, especially the disgusting things.

1:12:55🔗 Drew Cheminize, it turns out. Did not know that.

1:12:58🔗 Adam Yes, but something... Well, his friend Ray revealed this to me.

1:13:02🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Ray claims to have lots of stuff on Adam that we would never imagine.

1:13:07🔗 Drew I think you could imagine.

1:13:08🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That's what I said. That's what I said.

1:13:10🔗 Drew What, I killed the man and then blew him?

1:13:12🔗 Adam Apparently has moved his bowels in the shower and pushed it down the shower drain hole with his heel. Packed it down in there.

1:13:23🔗 Drew Heel and toe, like a good race car driver works a clutch. Yeah.

1:13:28🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yeah, no surprise.

1:13:29🔗 Drew No surprise.

1:13:30🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Did Ray mention what he did to Adam?

1:13:32🔗 Adam I don't know, there are many things.

1:13:34🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Ray borrowed a sock cap from Adam and when Ray gave it back to him. Well, those caps, you know, like my cap.

1:13:41🔗 Drew My beloved Rams Beanie.

1:13:42🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Beanie, yeah. Right. When he gave it, it was time to give it back. Okay, Adam asked for it. And Ray said, here, have it back. And he filled it with Duke, his own. Right. And gave it back to him.

1:13:50🔗 Drew He handed it to me like it was a, like a mother handing a lunch sack to the young son. It's great. Jeez, what is this weight at the bottom of my, what could it be? Let me think.

1:14:03🔗 Adam How did it happen? Did, I mean, did you have your tails surgically cut off or did they just wear off from pants?

1:14:12🔗 Drew I don't know why I took a crap in the shower to be honest. Yeah.

1:14:15🔗 Caller That one's hard to figure.

1:14:17🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Well, you know, we're used to, he used to, he used as a toilet. You understand he lived in a garage.

1:14:22🔗 Drew That is true.

1:14:23🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And his, his.

1:14:24🔗 Drew I crapped in a decorative popcorn can for many a month that my cousin gave me. But by the way, no greater gift for an 18 year old than a decorative tin of assorted popcorn.

1:14:36🔗 Caller Seven gallons of cheap popcorn. Oh, it's great.

1:14:38🔗 Drew But caramel corn one is done in 10 minutes and then you slowly peck away at the cheddar cheese one for the rest of the month.

1:14:45🔗 Jimmy Kimmel It was not like a cat box where you clean it out regularly. He accumulated a little action.

1:14:50🔗 Adam Well, you can't just, you know, what are you gonna do?

1:14:53🔗 Caller Yeah. Yeah, the shower.

1:14:54🔗 Drew I think that's what my uncle Vince had in mind when he gave me. It was unspoken but understood when he handed it to me.

1:15:01🔗 Jimmy Kimmel So the shower.

1:15:01🔗 Adam Empty it, then fill it.

1:15:03🔗 Drew That's right. All right. Well, here's why I crapped in the shower is because...

1:15:08🔗 Adam Well, you're feet away from the toilet. I mean, you're not gonna, you know.

1:15:11🔗 Drew I didn't want to, I had to take a dump and I realized I don't want to take a dump with my fresh shower body and have the, you know, dingleberries down there. I don't want to get out, you know, and by the way, a lot of accidents happen in the bathroom. Drew backed me up on this.

1:15:25🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Trying to crap in the shower or for going from the shower to the toilet?

1:15:28🔗 Drew No, getting cocky and tempting fate by getting out of the shower to Duke and then climbing back into the shower. It's very dangerous terrain to go to.

1:15:35🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You have to turn the water off or not.

1:15:36🔗 Drew Very dangerous.

1:15:37🔗 Jimmy Kimmel It's got to get warm again.

1:15:38🔗 Drew Very dangerous. Many of my own family members went that way and I'm not going to make the same mistake.

1:15:43🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And so you've always been a man for efficiency and so.

1:15:46🔗 Drew And I was, I'm sure it was a rental and I'm standing behind my decision, pardon the pun.

1:15:51🔗 Adam And it happened more than once though, did it not?

1:15:54🔗 Drew More than once, but way less than 500 times. Way less than 500.

1:16:01🔗 Jimmy Kimmel What was regaled as Jimmy with the story of the bathtub and you and he and.

1:16:06🔗 Drew Yeah, Drew Beanoff, I mean, Jimmy Beanoff.

1:16:09🔗 Adam Well, that was done intentionally to punish. It wasn't just.

1:16:12🔗 Drew Think about, by the way though, like when you have, whenever, and I know you think about this, when you think about like Schwarzenegger running for office and it was like, there was a Polaroid of a partially nude woman that was put on the ceiling of a makeup trailer and he used to look at it while he was getting his makeup on. Think how that sounds next to beating off in a half full tub or slinging some duke at your buddy.

1:16:36🔗 Caller Laughing time is over.

1:16:38🔗 Drew Taking a magic marker and drawing a huge penis on him when he's drunk and passed out. I mean, think about how bad your famous story's been said.

1:16:45🔗 Adam I did in fairness, I did it to my younger brother and he was sleeping, not drunk.

1:16:48🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I understand you guys are high up the hierarchy of ABC. This is why we have this guy running for governor.

1:16:53🔗 Adam I guess we're not gonna.

1:16:54🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And we can accept this without any trouble.

1:16:56🔗 Adam Hold political office.

1:16:57🔗 Drew I know.

1:16:58🔗 Jimmy Kimmel No, that could be the next day.

1:16:59🔗 Drew You know, my only problem is getting myself into trouble through not reacting enough to the horrible things that other people have done. I remember when my friend's mom said, I was driving in my car on my way home from work. She was very disturbed. This just happened today. I looked to my right. We were at a stop sign. A man was masturbating in his car. I was exposed to it. I don't know what kind of maniac. And I'm thinking, she said, beat off the car a hundred times. I drove a stick and I beat off on Ramblin Pacifica in Malibu for Christ's sake.

1:17:34🔗 Caller I could have died. They would have found me there. But you won't get out of the shower.

1:17:40🔗 Drew That's why I should have a cologne named after me.

1:17:42🔗 Caller You understand? Enigma. Enigma.

1:17:50🔗 Drew That's what it should be called. This cologne is fashioned after a man who will mash his own feces down with his heel, yet beats off in his Nissan mini truck on Rambla Pacifica.

1:18:05🔗 Caller Are you that kind of guy?

1:18:07🔗 Drew Well then Enigma's for you. Or maybe you just want to be that kind of guy.

1:18:11🔗 Caller Yeah, that guy.

1:18:12🔗 Drew For every guy who is that guy and for every future one of those guys.

1:18:17🔗 Adam I like that.

1:18:21🔗 Caller Mary?

1:18:24🔗 Drew You're 24? What's up?

1:18:27🔗 Adam You smell like Enigma.

1:18:29🔗 Drew Yeah. You ever crap in the shower?

1:18:32🔗 Caller No, not recently.

1:18:33🔗 Drew Really?

1:18:37🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Your show works too, Jimmy.

1:18:38🔗 Drew Well la-dee-dah, your highness.

1:18:40🔗 Caller This is the way we're all impressed.

1:18:43🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That's how your show works?

1:18:44🔗 Caller That's something I get only without all the fun.

1:18:48🔗 Drew What's up there, Mary?

1:18:50🔗 Caller Um, well, for the past couple weeks or so, me and my girlfriend, like, we've been having sex and it just stopped. I can't orgasm.

1:18:59🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Is it a new girlfriend?

1:19:01🔗 Caller No. No, we've been together two and a half years.

1:19:03🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Ooh, interesting. Are you interested in sex at all with her?

1:19:06🔗 Caller Yeah, I love it.

1:19:08🔗 Drew She goes down on you?

1:19:10🔗 Caller Oh yeah.

1:19:11🔗 Drew Do you have a vibrator?

1:19:12🔗 Jimmy Kimmel No.

1:19:13🔗 Drew No. You don't? No strap on?

1:19:16🔗 Jimmy Kimmel We haven't tried that.

1:19:18🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Are you okay, Adam? You all right?

1:19:19🔗 Drew And it just seems to sort of take the wind out of the lesbian sale for me.

1:19:25🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Just like with the males, the oral sex is the main thing, I think.

1:19:28🔗 Drew That is weird.

1:19:30🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Adam was upset to find out that most gay men don't engage in anal sex.

1:19:33🔗 Adam Yeah, I found that out a couple years ago also.

1:19:36🔗 Drew And I just, I was really worried that it sort of hurt comedy a little bit to find out there was no real corn holeing going on.

1:19:43🔗 Jimmy Kimmel No, it goes on. It's just not as, you know, not as pervasive as you might've thought.

1:19:47🔗 Adam It's not as much of it as we'd like.

1:19:49🔗 Drew Right, that's what we're saying. We'd like to see them step it up a little.

1:19:51🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Mary, you want any medication?

1:19:52🔗 Caller No, I'm not.

1:19:53🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Anything else going on that might be affecting you physically?

1:19:56🔗 Caller No, I mean, it's just really, it's really stressing me out.

1:20:00🔗 Adam Is your vagina tired?

1:20:01🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Is the relationship okay?

1:20:03🔗 Caller Oh yeah, it's great.

1:20:05🔗 Drew So is it that you're not into her or that you've just sort of, you're a woman, you're in a long-term relationship. Drew always says that a lot of these lesbian relationships just sort of settle into this semi-platonic cuddling relationship, this partnership. Sort of like what happens with a lot of women in long-term marriages with men.

1:20:25🔗 Jimmy Kimmel When, yeah.

1:20:27🔗 Drew Could this be happening?

1:20:28🔗 Caller I'm very physically and emotionally attracted to her.

1:20:32🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And so is the orgasm important to you? Or are you not gonna have sex with her if you don't feel you can orgasm?

1:20:37🔗 Jimmy Kimmel We've been trying.

1:20:37🔗 Caller I mean, this happened a week, or I'm sorry, two weeks ago or so.

1:20:42🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And it really just scared me because this never happened to me before.

1:20:45🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You're usually pretty easy to orgasm?

1:20:47🔗 Caller Oh yeah.

1:20:48🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And now all of a sudden you can't?

1:20:50🔗 Caller Yeah, it's like a light switch. It's just, I get close to, you know, the orgasm and it just like turns off.

1:20:55🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Have you had a medical evaluation?

1:20:57🔗 Caller Are you sure you're not named it anymore?

1:20:59🔗 Caller Not recently, no.

1:21:00🔗 Jimmy Kimmel No medication, no vitamins, no nothing. Purse control pills? No.

1:21:05🔗 Drew Hold on a second, Drew, why does she need birth control pills?

1:21:08🔗 Jimmy Kimmel For regulating her period or metametriosis or something. I mean, she might be on something and not be thinking of it as anything.

1:21:12🔗 Adam Maybe she just likes the taste.

1:21:15🔗 Drew Hey, hey, Mary?

1:21:17🔗 Jimmy Kimmel She's a lesbian, she still has periods, right?

1:21:19🔗 Try a vibrator.

1:21:20🔗 Adam Why don't you guys try out a vibrator?

1:21:23🔗 Caller Well, I mean, she's a little bit older than I am and she's really conservative.

1:21:29🔗 Drew So what, she's 30?

1:21:30🔗 Adam Conservative. Yeah. How conservative can she be when she's down with her face in between your legs there in the sheets?

1:21:37🔗 Drew Yeah. I don't know. She's very uptight. Real Nancy Reagan type.

1:21:41🔗 Caller I think so.

1:21:43🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I think she would be okay with something.

1:21:44🔗 Drew I just see her with that, wearing like a Jackie Kennedy pill hat and some pearl beads going down on her.

1:21:53🔗 Caller I think the effects of her working with 60 plus age women for so long really kind of got to her.

1:22:00🔗 Drew What'd she do? With old women?

1:22:06🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:22:07🔗 Drew All right.

1:22:08🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Why do I think, feel like we're going bogus all of a sudden?

1:22:10🔗 Drew Yeah, I don't know what that, I'm not sure how germane that information is either. All right, just look. Here's the thing too, everybody. Sometimes you can get a little sexual slump. Can you not, Drew? There's not always a problem. You just need to push through it.

1:22:23🔗 Adam Here's what you should do. Next time you guys are, whatever you call it.

1:22:28🔗 Drew Engaged.

1:22:28🔗 Adam Smack her right across the face and say, try harder.

1:22:32🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:22:32🔗 Adam And then see what happens.

1:22:33🔗 Drew Put some pressure on her. Or let some wind go. Women don't do that enough. I eat chili over Jimmy's house yesterday and was blowing tremendous gas.

1:22:44🔗 Adam I've been just crazy.

1:22:45🔗 Drew Yeah, no, I was blowing the gas later that night.

1:22:48🔗 Adam It took like a good 12 hours for it to catch up to me.

1:22:51🔗 Drew Yeah, it did kick in.

1:22:52🔗 Adam Yeah, oh yeah. And everyone too, everyone at the show.

1:22:55🔗 Drew Good food. I mean, gas takes, like we're talking about.

1:22:58🔗 Jimmy Kimmel It's the percolate.

1:22:59🔗 Drew We're talking about how food poisoning takes about 12 hours to kick in. Yeah. And good gas after something you ate, six to 12.

1:23:07🔗 Jimmy Kimmel That's the cure, yeah.

1:23:08🔗 Drew Yeah, yeah. So try that. Yeah. All right, let's take ourselves a little break. Glad we could help. Jimmy Kimmell here tonight from Jimmy Kimmell Live. ABC, 12.05, Monday through Friday, you know about that. Also Windy City Heat, this is a great movie. It is coming out Sunday, the 12th of October, this Sunday. It's at nine o'clock, it's on Comedy Central. Take a quick break, we'll be right back.

1:23:37🔗 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191. This is Loveline on 947NRK. The Loveline with Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla on 94.7 NRK.

1:24:10🔗 Drew Hey, everybody, Loveline and Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Ben Stein in here tomorrow night, and then Marilyn Manson in here Wednesday night, and the gorgeous Sarah Silverman in here Thursday night. Jimmy Kimmell in here tonight, talking about Windy City Heat, which is a great movie that we produced, and Bobcat Goldthwait directed it, and also played the director in the movie. It's a true story.

1:24:35🔗 Adam It's the first really prank movie, and the whole movie is one prank. It's a two-hour prank on one guy.

1:24:43🔗 Drew Yes, one guy. There's one person involved with this movie that thinks he is shooting a movie, and everyone else thinks they're shooting the prank, and everyone else would be right, by the way. And it's weird. It was weird to try to pull it off, because obviously the players in the movie know what's going on, but the crew, everyone from the grips to the sound guys, everybody, wardrobe, everybody, was in on it.

1:25:09🔗 Adam Everyone had to sign confidentiality agreements. It's really good.

1:25:15🔗 Drew Yeah, it's a really, really good movie, and it's on Sunday night, nine o'clock, Comedy Central. All right, let's talk to Tyler, who did a female to male transgender operation. Tyler?

1:25:27🔗 Caller Yes.

1:25:28🔗 Drew You're 23? You're calling from Tijuana?

1:25:32🔗 Caller Yep.

1:25:35🔗 Drew And you hear us through 91X?

1:25:37🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yep. I go to that station all the time.

1:25:40🔗 Drew Have you gone through the female to male transgender operation?

1:25:46🔗 Jimmy Kimmel No, that's what I'm scared to death about, because I've heard a lot of scary things. I've done my homework.

1:25:50🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:25:51🔗 Jimmy Kimmel And I heard that they install a hand pump into the palm of your hand to get an erection.

1:25:56🔗 Adam She's done her homo work.

1:25:58🔗 Drew Yeah. Listen, sweetie, it's difficult, it's scary, but we all go through it. You just have to sort of grit your teeth. All right. I remember Drew, you can think back. Remember when you were, when you were, when I had my pants put on? Yeah.

1:26:12🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yeah. It was tough. They make the penis out of your arm.

1:26:15🔗 Caller Well, the worst thing is Drew was on the swim team.

1:26:17🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Go get the book.

1:26:19🔗 Adam Drew was on the swim team and it actually acted as a rudder and destroyed his swimming career. He was actually going to be on the US women's Olympic team.

1:26:26🔗 Drew That's right. Luckily gay porn was waiting. Tyler, we had a doctor in here about two weeks ago named Dr. Alter, believe it or not. No way. Yes. And you wanted to think this guy was the world's biggest quack, but he was one of the five guys in the United States who was a plastic surgeon and was a urologist. Yes, Drew? And he did this gender reassignment. And I like the term by the way, gender reassignment.

1:26:55🔗 Adam So you are now a male, a boy, and you want a female and you want to be a female.

1:27:01🔗 Caller No, no, no, no.

1:27:03🔗 Adam Well, you better make sure they have it straight.

1:27:05🔗 Jimmy Kimmel No, no. Wait, wait. You guys made it all wrong. I'm a female. I was born female. I want to be a male.

1:27:11🔗 Adam But your name's Tyler? Is that your name you were born with, Tyler?

1:27:14🔗 Jimmy Kimmel No, that's the name I've given myself.

1:27:17🔗 Adam Oh, and what was your real name?

1:27:18🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Teresa.

1:27:20🔗 Drew Teresa.

1:27:20🔗 Adam Wow, I'm looking at these and I don't think you want one because they're they're like a penis with no personality. They look like an alien penis.

1:27:28🔗 Drew Yes. It's really...

1:27:30🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I know that they're really small, like they're probably four inches erect.

1:27:35🔗 Adam That's not small.

1:27:37🔗 Drew Erect?

1:27:38🔗 Adam They can get erect? How do they get erect?

1:27:41🔗 Drew They put pumps and stuff in them.

1:27:44🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Like I was saying earlier, I was reading that they install a hand pump in the palm of your hand and you squeeze your hand to get an erection.

1:27:54🔗 Drew Well, there's many different ways you can do it. Here's... It's like those Reeboks. There's a couple of things.

1:28:02🔗 Adam I can't even look at them.

1:28:04🔗 Drew Wouldn't you rather just look at shark attack victims?

1:28:06🔗 Adam I would much rather look at shark attack victims. At least it was an accident.

1:28:10🔗 Drew Here's what I think about turning a vagina into the world's ugliest penis. It's like you have a Ferrari and you want to turn it into like a riding mower. And it's like, yeah, but it's not only do you have a beautiful car, but it's not going to make a very good riding mower. Even if it made a perfect riding mower, you would still be turning a Ferrari into a riding mower. But the second part is, it's going to be one that's f-ed up. It's not going to run right. It's not going to look good. It's going to be a disaster. It's just a disaster. And the whole idea that you have to undergo psychiatric treatment for one year before you're labeled sane enough to have your penis lopped off or to have skin grafts from your arm and your clitoris injected with steroids and grow a penis that basically looks like a hot dog that got left on the barbecue at a bad Fourth of July party.

1:29:04🔗 Adam This you're saying for? It's the very definition of crazy.

1:29:08🔗 Drew It's more like when somebody says, listen, I shot my old lady to collect on the insurance. You say, well, I disagree with that, but still not as crazy as the guy wants his penis cut off, right?

1:29:19🔗 Adam Not even close.

1:29:20🔗 Jimmy Kimmel You make the point about the arm.

1:29:21🔗 Drew Oh, I got Dr. Alter with this one. He's like, their whole argument is, yeah, but these are women trapped inside a man's body. Like you're going to go, oh, I didn't know there's a woman in there. I thought it was just a regular dude. It was crazy. You say there's actually a woman trapped inside? We got to get her out. But I said, look, first off, stop using that argument. That just means there's a crazy person trapped inside a man's body. And number two, what if I said my left arm was possessed? I couldn't stop smacking myself in the face with it. Would you cut it off? And they're like, of course not. And I'm like, well, that's the same thing.

1:29:56🔗 Adam What if you went through an entire year and you said, no, I want to lose that arm.

1:30:00🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I'm a three-armed person caught in a, you know, a three-limb person caught in a four-limb body.

1:30:04🔗 Adam Just caught in a man's body. How much rarer is it, though, that a woman would want to become a man?

1:30:10🔗 Drew It's about 90-10 or 80-20 or something like that. There's not too many of them.

1:30:16🔗 Adam You're only 23 years old?

1:30:18🔗 Drew Yes. Why are you living in Tijuana, by the way?

1:30:21🔗 Caller Because it's cheap.

1:30:24🔗 Drew That's true, but so is Beirut. You can get behind just a couple bucks a day in Beirut.

1:30:29🔗 Adam What kind of weird stuff are you involved in? You're a prostitute or anything like that?

1:30:34🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Oh, God, no. I go to college in San Diego. I just have to rely on cheap rent.

1:30:42🔗 Drew Do you cross the border every day to go to college?

1:30:45🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yeah, it's not that hard.

1:30:47🔗 Drew Isn't it? But the line at the border could be hours sometimes.

1:30:49🔗 Adam She's crossing over into manhood. The border's not such a big deal.

1:30:54🔗 Jimmy Kimmel It's only long if you're driving.

1:30:57🔗 Drew Okay, I see. And you walk across on the bridge?

1:31:00🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yes.

1:31:01🔗 Drew Okay, so...

1:31:02🔗 Jimmy Kimmel He also said that a lot of women don't have complete reconstruction. They just give them all the hormone and they sort of grow their clitoris out.

1:31:08🔗 Drew Yeah, they don't build you a penis. They just give you enough testosterone to turn your clitoris into a penis. I'm starting to think that may have happened to me.

1:31:20🔗 Adam Maybe you should do that, right?

1:31:21🔗 Jimmy Kimmel But you really think I'm like... Put my head first.

1:31:25🔗 Drew You can't use the F word, Tyler, as bizarre as that sounds.

1:31:30🔗 Adam No one else thinks you're crazy?

1:31:33🔗 Drew Listen, first off, anybody who's not Mexican who lives in Tijuana is critically insane. And quite a few of the Mexicans who live there, by the way. But at least they have an excuse. They can't escape. You're fleeing to Tijuana. You're choosing to live there. You're passing a whole bunch of people that are dressed as shrubs trying to get across the other direction. You understand? That twinkle, twinkle sound when they walk. What's that?

1:31:59🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Do you want to know how much it is to rent in San Diego?

1:32:03🔗 Drew Yeah, I know.

1:32:04🔗 Adam Do you know how much it is to get your vagina turned into a penis?

1:32:07🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yeah. Yeah, well, tens of thousands of dollars.

1:32:11🔗 Drew Do you have a doctor?

1:32:13🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yes.

1:32:14🔗 Adam Is he in Mexico or the United States?

1:32:17🔗 Drew Would you have a mastectomy?

1:32:22🔗 Caller That's something to be considered.

1:32:25🔗 Drew You don't know if you want to go through with that?

1:32:26🔗 Jimmy Kimmel So you'd have a penis put on, but the breasts remain. Interesting.

1:32:30🔗 Caller I know.

1:32:31🔗 Drew How close to Revolution Street do you live?

1:32:34🔗 Jimmy Kimmel About maybe a 15, 20 minute walk.

1:32:37🔗 Drew Alright, here's what I'd like you to do. Let's forget about your gender reassignment. I'd like you to buy me some M80s and some tiles. When you come out to San Diego, I want you to just keep coming to LA and bring them to me, alright?

1:32:50🔗 Adam Why don't you get one of those hats that has a penis on them?

1:32:53🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:32:53🔗 Adam You know those baseball caps that have a penis sticking out?

1:32:56🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:32:57🔗 Adam That should be enough for a while.

1:32:59🔗 Drew I mean, here's the whole thing. If you could snap your fingers and become an attractive version of the sex you wanted to be, it would still be insane, but at least I'd listen to your argument. You know what I mean? If you could do this, pow, if you could be some chick and go, pow and be Hugh Grant, or you could do, pow and be some guy and be, you know, I don't know, who's that, Claudia Schiffer? I would understand that, but you are going to look like someone took...

1:33:26🔗 Adam You're going to look like Lou Grant.

1:33:27🔗 Drew You're going to look like Lou Grant had an M-80 blow up in his underpants. That's what you're going to look like. It's going to be a mess. People are going to think you stepped on a bouncing Betty in NAMM or something and it just blew your groin off. That's what it looks like. You should look at this book, by the way.

1:33:43🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Yes.

1:33:44🔗 Drew Go get, what's the name of this book, Drew?

1:33:46🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Erlich and Alter Reconstructive and Plastic Surgery of the External Genitalia.

1:33:50🔗 Drew Terrific.

1:33:51🔗 Caller Go get that book.

1:33:52🔗 Drew Great read.

1:33:53🔗 Adam That's Madonna's New Children book, isn't it?

1:33:55🔗 Drew Read it in the toilet or in the shower where you crap. Whatever, I don't judge. And we'll take...

1:34:03🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Think about that, Adam. Think about it.

1:34:04🔗 Drew I know. My wife is so, she's had such an ass full of me. You know, the other thing is I now urinate out the window. At night. My wife's starting to play in the reeks of urine as she's walking up the stairs in the plant. I have a fern that's dying over there. Because I'm watching TV. I don't have to justify myself to you or anybody else. Anybody else. We'll take a break. We'll be back.

1:34:28🔗 Caller Okay, so I know there's nothing wrong with me. So what's up? Why can't I meet anybody? 877-889-DATE.

1:34:53🔗 Caller Love Line on 947NRK is brought to you by Car Toys.

1:35:29🔗 Drew Well, where'd the time go? That's another show. Ben Stein Tomorrow, Marilyn Manson, Wednesday Night, Sarah Silverman, Thursday Night. Windy City Heat is the name of the show. I guarantee this is the funniest thing you've seen on TV in your entire life. It is a movie, it is on Comedy Central, it is this Sunday, we produced it, it's a true story, it's really... My dad enjoyed it. What else can I say about this project?

1:35:56🔗 Jimmy Kimmel It's shocking.

1:35:57🔗 Adam I can't believe this, it's amazing.

1:35:58🔗 Drew He said he laughed his ass off. Actually he said it was solid and then I told him I really didn't do that much on it and he said it was hysterical after that.

1:36:06🔗 Jimmy Kimmel I can't imagine your dad saying I laughed my ass off.

1:36:09🔗 Caller He loved it, he loved it.

1:36:11🔗 Drew He wanted to send a tape to Ronnie in Philadelphia. I love his little parents, can I send this to Ronnie? Yeah, go ahead, how do you do that? Well so he could watch it?

1:36:21🔗 Caller Yes, you got a VCR?

1:36:23🔗 Drew Everything's confusing. All right, we're out of time. Jimmy Kimmell, God bless you. See you tomorrow morning and until next time, this is Adam Carolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo. When was your last chicken fight?

1:36:38🔗 Caller What, you're all fighting or something?

1:36:40🔗 Jimmy Kimmel Like what fighting?

1:36:41🔗 Drew Yeah, like when you take your tobacco out of your mouth and blind her temporarily, then go upside her head with a cider jug and then strangle her with your rope belt.

1:36:53🔗 This has been Loveline, the opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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