Monday, April 20, 1998

0:04🔗 Adam Danny?

0:05🔗 Yeah?

0:06🔗 Adam You're 16, what's going on?

0:07🔗 Caller Not much, what are you doing?

0:08🔗 Adam What do you want?

0:09🔗 Caller Um, I was having sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago, and my penis came out during intercourse, and she came down and landed on it. And now it's bent, and it's like really blue and purple, and I have like blood blisters in it.

0:23🔗 Drew Oh boy, you tore it.

0:25🔗 Adam Oh boy.

0:25🔗 Caller And it hurts to even go pee.

0:27🔗 Drew Oh my God, why did you see a urologist, Danny?

0:29🔗 Caller Well, because my parents, you know, I'm really scared.

0:32🔗 Drew Oh, for crying out loud.

0:33🔗 Caller Go talk to my parents.

0:37🔗 Adam Tell them to shut the garage door on it or something.

0:40🔗 Drew You're riding your bike and fell. You know what?

0:44🔗 Adam Come up with something, would you, you jackass? You're supposed to lie to your parents, right?

0:49🔗 Yeah.

0:49🔗 Adam You're riding the bike, your feet came off the pedals, you dragged your nuts on the crossbar.

0:54🔗 Yeah.

0:54🔗 Drew But you got to get it taken care of. I mean, I don't know.

0:58🔗 Adam When the urologist comes back to your parents and tell them, this can only happen with a full erection. And then they're going to wonder who you're chasing on the bike.

1:06🔗 Drew Hey, look, they're just going to want you to get better day. They're not going to worry about how this happened. Really. I mean, this is a pretty serious thing.

1:11🔗 Adam You think they are?

1:12🔗 Drew Yeah. I mean, it's also another business, frankly.

1:14🔗 Adam But you think they think you're a virgin?

1:16🔗 Caller Yeah, they do. Absolutely.

1:18🔗 Adam Do they want that?

1:20🔗 Caller I think.

1:21🔗 Drew Well, that's not the issue right now. You need to get some care. Can you go to your doctor? Yeah. You have a regular doctor you just go to get the ball rolling? Yeah, I could. You got to do that. You got to do it. I mean, right away tomorrow.

1:34🔗 Adam How long ago did this happen?

1:35🔗 What?

1:37🔗 Adam I'm trying to eat here. How long ago did this happen? Happened two days ago. Drew's trying to punch the mic. Yeah. What do you want? What's going on? Two days ago. Yeah, I know. But he's about to ask me something.

1:46🔗 Caller Yeah. Another. Yeah. I'm in a band. We recorded a song a couple of days ago. And I heard a listener call before and let you.

1:55🔗 Adam Yeah. You want to play it? It's called My Penis Hurts?

1:58🔗 Caller No. This is called Teenage Adultery. I was wondering if I could play about 45 seconds of it for you.

2:02🔗 Adam Teenage Adultery?

2:05🔗 Caller It's a great song. We recorded it for you.

2:07🔗 Adam Okay. But you know, I always love those songs. Like, you ever listen to like old Michael Jackson songs? And the Jackson 5 and Michael Jackson's 7 1 1 half. And he's singing, girl, I just want to get next to you. And it's like, you're not even whacking off. You're not off yet, buddy. And guess what? You're 39 now and you still don't want to get next to him. But it always cracks me up when they have these like young bands. Anyway, I'm trying to get late. Teenage Adultery. All right, let's hear it.

2:35🔗 Caller All right, here it is.

2:36🔗 Drew All right.

2:36🔗 Caller This last 45 seconds.

2:38🔗 Adam Right. The show has turned to a battle of the bands, Drew.

2:54🔗 Drew Like we have something to say about that music.

2:55🔗 Adam It's like the Tsarys or something. All right, that sounds good, Danny.

3:00🔗 Drew That sounds more evolved than last night's exhibition.

3:04🔗 Adam I was only 13 last night. All right, Danny, that sounds spectacular. Drew, talk for a second. Let me just down this burrito.

3:11🔗 Drew Let's take another question.

3:11🔗 Caller How about that?

3:13🔗 Drew Yeah, come on.

3:13🔗 Adam I'm gonna start the show.

3:15🔗 Drew All right, Scott, oh, you want to start the show? All right, this is Loveline, I'm Dr. Drew. This is Adam Corolla chewing on food, drinking coffee. Loveline is 1-800-LOVE-191, fax number 3108-54-4455.

3:29🔗 Adam That's why I have to be here.

3:31🔗 Drew Hell with you.

3:32🔗 Adam All right, now, what's going on tonight, Drew? We got a guest, right? Yeah, we have Ursula Auburn. And Ursula is this chick who slept with a bunch of guys, notable guys like Nicholas Cage and Jack Nicholson. And Ian Zuring, actually, it's Ian Zuring. He just mispronounces it. And Mikhail Baryshnikov. That's quite a potpourri. I don't know many women have slept with Ian Zuring from 90210 and the famous ballet star turned actor Mikhail Baryshnikov.

4:05🔗 Caller Was he an actor?

4:06🔗 Adam Well, he was an actor, yeah. He became an actor. He was in Something with Slice Alone once.

4:11🔗 Drew Is there a book attached to this? Another expose?

4:14🔗 Adam I don't know, but you know, I know this is horrible radio and I know Ann's going to get pissed off and I was driving around today while I was sort of thinking about this. I was just in my car driving and I was thinking about what's going on tonight? Who are we having on? And I thought, oh yeah, we're having that chick on, that one that slept with those guys. And then I thought, well, what'd she do? She slept with the guys and now she's going to tell us about it? And then I thought, that's pathetic. Isn't it?

4:39🔗 Drew The same organization that brought you the Pamela Lee tapes.

4:42🔗 Adam Oh, it is?

4:43🔗 Caller Yeah.

4:44🔗 Adam Yeah, it's kind of pathetic. Isn't that just pathetic?

4:47🔗 Drew We'll see.

4:48🔗 Adam And doesn't that make us kind of pathetic? Doesn't that make us pathetic kind of, Ann? I mean, why are we doing that?

4:55🔗 Because it's fun to hear about how people are in bed that we're familiar with and how big their penises are.

5:02🔗 Adam But like, these guys are married and they don't want to hear about it. I know, but they're married now. Oh, well, okay. All right. I just think of Nicholas Cage. He's married. You know, we met his wife.

5:15🔗 It says right there that this is before he was married.

5:19🔗 Drew I think Adam may be concerned that one of his little girlfriends will show up and start talking about it.

5:24🔗 She doesn't say anything negative about them, though. She says they're all great lovers. All right.

5:28🔗 Adam Well, she wants...

5:28🔗 It's not a slam fest.

5:30🔗 Adam Fine.

5:30🔗 Caller Okay.

5:31🔗 Drew I get to be in a... He's gonna piss you off.

5:34🔗 Adam What?

5:34🔗 Drew I get to be in Woody Harrelson's new movie tonight.

5:37🔗 Adam Oh, you're gonna kill me. Did you do that thing? Did you do Politically Incorrect tonight?

5:43🔗 Drew Yeah. At the end of it, they filmed the scene from his movie where he is... his character is appearing on Politically Incorrect with Mia.

5:49🔗 Adam Oh, bastard. And you probably got more money, right? How much more?

5:54🔗 Drew Same.

5:55🔗 Adam Five hundred and, like, seventy-two bucks?

5:57🔗 Drew Something like that.

5:57🔗 Adam How'd the debate go? Dr. Drew was debating Woody Harrelson on legalizing marijuana or something like that.

6:04🔗 Drew You know, he really is a nice guy. He brought very nice people with him. So it's hard to get heated about it, but it was a good discussion, I thought. We'll see. It's going to air May 15th.

6:12🔗 Adam How'd you do?

6:13🔗 Drew Maybe Brett's... I think it was good. I think Brett... I was the one talking. It was me versus Woody and Todd, the guy that...

6:21🔗 Adam Woody and Todd.

6:22🔗 Drew Todd's the guy that was arrested for growing, you know, eight thousand marijuana plants in his house.

6:26🔗 Adam Yeah, listen, I think you should be able to do what you want, but he grew eight thousand plants and claimed it was because he had cancer.

6:32🔗 Drew No, and tonight I got some clarification that it's because he had to do research to get the right kind of marijuana for himself.

6:39🔗 Adam All right. Listen, I could have sent him to a buddy of mine who hangs out at the park and probably cured that cancer.

6:44🔗 Drew Anyway, he's got a new show where he writes a book. The new movie. Woody Harrelson's in a movie where he is the brother of a guy that becomes a media icon. He writes a book called My Brother Pissed On Me.

6:53🔗 Adam Oh.

6:53🔗 Drew And so we discussed that.

6:54🔗 Adam Who the hell else is in that?

6:55🔗 Drew I don't know.

6:56🔗 Adam All right. All right. Well, Drew's career is just going through the roof, but don't worry. The worm's gonna turn. Scott, you're 26. Yeah.

7:03🔗 Caller How you guys doing?

7:04🔗 Adam What's going on over there?

7:05🔗 Caller Not a whole lot. Here's my question. My fiance and I always have protected sex. However, in the last couple of months, we have on at least two occasions had sex without protection. I kind of got caught up in the heat of the moment. And I did pull out before orgasm, but I know that this is by no means a form of birth control. So I'm just curious. I mean, we've both been tested for STDs and things like that. But is there a really good chance of pregnancy at this point?

7:31🔗 Drew There's not a really good chance. There's a chance. But why didn't she get the morning after pill?

7:36🔗 Caller Well, that was discussed. But we kind of live in a small town. And I don't know. It's easier said than done here.

7:44🔗 Why?

7:45🔗 Caller We just didn't know where to call.

7:47🔗 Drew A physician? Any doctor?

7:49🔗 Caller Anybody can do that.

7:50🔗 Drew And it's totally confidential. It would be against the law for anybody to divulge that sort of information.

7:55🔗 Caller Oh, really? See, I didn't know that that was even approved in the US. I thought, you know, I had heard about it before.

7:59🔗 Drew Or morning after pill.

8:00🔗 Adam I figure Drew was poisoning the country.

8:02🔗 Drew Yeah. Within 72 hours of contact, you take a birth control pill and double dose or quadruple dose, depending which pill you're taking.

8:09🔗 Right.

8:10🔗 Drew For a couple of days, three or four days. And that is about 75% chance of reducing the risk of pregnancy.

8:15🔗 Right.

8:16🔗 All right?

8:17🔗 All right. Thanks.

8:17🔗 All right.

8:18🔗 Drew Do that.

8:19🔗 Adam She's probably fine.

8:19🔗 Drew She's probably fine, but don't worry about what ifs.

8:22🔗 Adam Well, how long ago did this happen?

8:24🔗 Drew I didn't get that.

8:25🔗 Adam But it was too late to use the morning after. I think so. Don't you think so?

8:31🔗 Drew No.

8:32🔗 Caller Scott?

8:33🔗 Caller Yeah.

8:33🔗 Adam How long ago did this happen?

8:35🔗 Caller This was at least two to three weeks ago.

8:37🔗 Drew Oh, well.

8:38🔗 Adam All right, jackass. I told you, Drew. It's got to be two or three days, right?

8:43🔗 Drew Yep. 72 hours.

8:43🔗 Adam Why?

8:44🔗 Why so fast?

8:46🔗 Drew Because the idea is suppressing ovulation. And if an ovulation occurs within a day or two of the exposure, that's it.

8:54🔗 Yeah.

8:55🔗 Adam What about my sperm? I think I have slow sperm. I think it might be like four or five days. My sperm likes to nap and masturbate.

9:01🔗 Drew I no doubt. Oh, your sperm masturbates.

9:03🔗 Adam Yeah.

9:03🔗 Drew What an interesting concept.

9:04🔗 Adam And then when it orgasms, it just turns inside out.

9:11🔗 Drew Sure as hell, little Adam's going to spew in there.

9:12🔗 Adam Oh, if I could only spell, it'd be a great writer. Yeah, little Adam's going to spew out, please. Danny.

9:19🔗 Hey there.

9:19🔗 Adam You're 22. What's going on?

9:22🔗 Caller My question has to do with pot, okay?

9:24🔗 I know that Dr. Drew went out politically incorrect and I can't wait till Aresville will watch it.

9:30🔗 Caller But anyways, I just want to see if he agrees with me here. Both alcohol and tobacco are legalized.

9:38🔗 Drew Yep.

9:38🔗 Caller Okay. And it's known that both will kill you in the long run.

9:43🔗 Drew In terms of impact on our society and the health of this country, nothing comes close to tobacco and alcohol.

9:49🔗 Caller Exactly.

9:50🔗 Drew All right.

9:50🔗 Caller So why not legalize marijuana? Marijuana, yes, it's a drug, but it's not as dangerous as both.

9:56🔗 Adam Well, yeah, but it's not really a great argument. It's an argument that, right, that, hey, these two negative things are already out there. Why not let one more negative thing out there? It's like, I don't know, it's like if you're trying to, you say, well, crocodiles and mountain lions are roaming around out there. Why not just leave the wild boars alone? It's like, well, no, because they may be a little bit dangerous, too. All right, that was a retarded example, but my point is, I'm for the legalization of marijuana, but I don't really like the argument of, hey, there's worse things out there that are legal, because it's one guy, somebody told me one time, a guy who was a pretty important guy in this city, the Times guy, I said, you know, what's wrong with this and what's wrong with that? They should legalize prostitution and they should legalize drugs and they should legalize this and legalize that. And he said, well, it's not necessarily a point of what works and what doesn't work, but it's a point of what you, as a society, aspire to. What kind of society do you want to live in? What are your goals as a society? And your goal is to have one where there's not a whole lot of prostitution, not a whole lot of drug taking, not a whole lot of this and not a whole lot of that, not a lot of gambling, so on and so forth. Now, how you attain those goals, that's where people get in arguments.

11:21🔗 Drew Yeah, and where you draw the lines in the sand.

11:23🔗 Adam Right.

11:24🔗 Drew And the discussion we got into an awful lot of in this particular show, Politically Incorrect, was whether or not the government should be involved in these sorts of issues, whether the prohibition, whether it works or not, is prohibition something that's appropriate in a truly free government?

11:40🔗 Adam Yeah.

11:40🔗 Drew I don't know.

11:41🔗 Adam No, not really.

11:42🔗 Drew No, it's similar to what you're saying about Vectimus Clans.

11:44🔗 Adam They spend a little too much time on it. They got bigger fish to fry, our government does.

11:49🔗 Drew Yeah, I think so.

11:50🔗 Adam They do. Then me with the pot plant in my backyard, much bigger fish to fry. Anne, you're 22.

11:56🔗 Caller Yes.

11:57🔗 Drew What's going on?

11:58🔗 Caller I have been having these memories recently of when I was a kid, my brother coming into my room and asked me to perform more on sex on him and doing things like that.

12:07🔗 Drew How old were you?

12:10🔗 Caller I think I would have had to have been about seven or eight.

12:14🔗 Drew And what happened with these requests?

12:18🔗 Caller I know he would bribe me, like we would play games in exchange, and I know that I tried to avoid it by doing other things, by going to the bathroom and getting a wet rag and stuff, but I think that his request, I think that I gave him all sex, and I don't remember what he did to me.

12:33🔗 Drew How old was he?

12:35🔗 Caller He's four years older than me.

12:37🔗 Drew So he was ten or eleven?

12:39🔗 Caller Yeah.

12:41🔗 Caller I mean, I heard that the curiosity thing is natural between kids.

12:45🔗 Drew That's not curiosity. That is not curiosity. That's overt sexual behavior.

12:51🔗 Adam Right. My curiosity spills a little more into the overt sexual behavior more than Drew's, but not like that.

13:00🔗 Caller Okay.

13:01🔗 Drew So this is for real. Has it affected your relationships?

13:05🔗 Caller Well, the longest relationship I've had has been three months. I kind of tend to push people away. So I would guess, yeah.

13:11🔗 Adam That could be it. But also one could argue that she grew up in a family that created this brother.

13:17🔗 Caller Right.

13:19🔗 Adam How's the family?

13:21🔗 Caller My parents divorced later. But I mean, there was no other abuse.

13:26🔗 Adam What do you think was up with your brother?

13:28🔗 Caller I don't know. I mean, I don't know.

13:32🔗 Adam How's he doing now?

13:34🔗 Caller Perfectly normal. Successful and everything.

13:36🔗 Adam Really? Well, don't let the successful part fool you.

13:40🔗 Drew Adam's successful.

13:42🔗 Adam Most people are successful and have something going on. That's actually what makes them successful.

13:47🔗 Caller Well, I don't know. I mean, married seems normal.

13:51🔗 Adam Yeah.

13:51🔗 Caller I guess I just didn't... I mean, I don't know. It's not... I don't feel like I should... You know, this was so long ago. I don't feel like I should come from about everything. But I just... I don't know. I don't know what to do. It's like this knowledge is just sitting there.

14:03🔗 Drew I think maybe you ought to get some help for yourself and look at how... why you have difficulty conducting yourself in intimate relationships and see if this has something to do with it and see what you want to do about it when you have a safer environment in which to look at this stuff.

14:18🔗 Caller Makes sense.

14:19🔗 Adam And, you know, this doesn't have to be the whole reason why you've never had a relationship longer than three months at age twenty-two, but it could be forty percent or whatever percent it is.

14:31🔗 Drew Whatever is causing it, something is, and it would be worthwhile looking into it at twenty-two, I would think.

14:36🔗 Adam What was that last sentence of yours?

14:38🔗 Drew It would be worthwhile looking.

14:40🔗 Adam Joey. Yeah, I went to the therapist today.

14:43🔗 Drew Oh, yeah? Hallelujah.

14:44🔗 Adam I had to tell him my dog died.

14:45🔗 Drew Oh.

14:46🔗 Adam Oh, yeah.

14:46🔗 Drew So it made you have some feelings.

14:48🔗 Adam Yeah.

14:48🔗 Drew Imagine that.

14:49🔗 Adam Wait, what was that last thing?

14:50🔗 Caller Feelings.

14:54🔗 Adam Was there a song about that once?

14:55🔗 Drew I was telling your manager today that I learned to read your shades of gray. That's all you are.

15:00🔗 Adam Oh, please. I was bawling like a baby when that dog died.

15:04🔗 Drew When that pistol whipped you into it. It smacked you in the head so hard you cried.

15:08🔗 Adam Well, she did get mad when I didn't seem upset enough. But no, I was upset. Are you kidding me? Who were you talking to today?

15:15🔗 Drew Howard. No.

15:16🔗 Adam Oh, please. He's not complaining, is he?

15:18🔗 Drew No.

15:19🔗 Adam Okay, good. Joey.

15:21🔗 Drew I was actually saying you seemed the height of your gray, like a happy gray lately, as opposed to a worried gray, which is where you were last week.

15:29🔗 Adam Well, I'm usually in a good mood. You don't think so?

15:33🔗 Drew No. Really?

15:35🔗 Adam I enjoy my life. Screw you. Shut Drew's mic off. I don't need this crap. Uh-oh. Mike's on strike tonight. He's back to his normal mode.

15:43🔗 Drew Yeah, well, that's quite a difference, isn't it?

15:45🔗 Adam Yeah.

15:45🔗 Drew That is striking.

15:46🔗 Adam He had his Prozac last night, but tonight he's done with us. Yeah, it's a love-hate thing we have going. Joey?

15:52🔗 Hey.

15:52🔗 Adam Hey, you're 16.

15:54🔗 Caller 15.

15:55🔗 Adam All right.

15:55🔗 Drew What's going on?

15:56🔗 Caller I got something for you, Adam. Instead of Dr. Drew for once.

16:02🔗 Adam All right.

16:03🔗 Caller It's about bisexuality, what you say about bisexuality.

16:05🔗 Adam Right.

16:06🔗 Caller You think people are just going to go off and screw the other sex later on?

16:10🔗 Adam Eventually, yeah.

16:11🔗 Caller Yeah. Well, see, I got this girlfriend who we're really close. We've been close for almost a year and a half. I disagree with you because I think when they tell you they're bisexual, it's actually, they say you're born with it. My girlfriend has been devoted to me.

16:28🔗 Adam But is she bisexual?

16:29🔗 Caller Yeah.

16:30🔗 Adam All right.

16:31🔗 Drew Well, we aren't born with anything.

16:32🔗 Adam She's not bisexual anymore then. She's heterosexual. If you're the only one she's going to be with.

16:35🔗 Caller But she's still attracted to other girls. It's just that she devotes her time to me.

16:40🔗 Adam Listen, I like Ferraris. That doesn't make me a Ferrari owner.

16:43🔗 Caller No, I'm just saying just because you go to one sex, it doesn't mean that you stop being attracted to the other sex.

16:50🔗 Adam No, it just means eventually you're going to cheat.

16:53🔗 Caller I don't think so.

16:54🔗 Adam Of course. Please.

16:55🔗 Caller She's 15.

16:57🔗 Adam Oh boy, I wish I could put some money down on this thing and then we could fast forward through time. I'd be a rich man.

17:04🔗 Caller No, no, no. It's just the same as being normal.

17:07🔗 Adam You're, all right, hold on. Are you bisexual?

17:09🔗 Caller No.

17:09🔗 Adam No, just she is.

17:11🔗 Caller Right.

17:11🔗 Adam Okay. So she's devoted to you?

17:14🔗 Caller For a year and a half almost.

17:15🔗 Adam Do you think you guys are going to get married?

17:17🔗 Caller I would like, yeah.

17:19🔗 Adam You think so?

17:19🔗 Caller We do really well together.

17:21🔗 Adam And then you'll be, she'll be with you forever and then she'll never be with another woman.

17:27🔗 Caller Maybe not.

17:28🔗 Adam Okay. So she's just bisexual because she can appreciate the female form even though she never has contact with one.

17:35🔗 Caller Or would if she didn't meet me, maybe.

17:37🔗 Adam Alright, but the point is that's not really the definition of bisexual. That makes Anne and Lisa and Sherry all bisexuals too.

17:45🔗 Caller I thought...

17:46🔗 Adam You gotta act on it. It's like, it's listen, thinking of killing someone doesn't make you a murderer. You have to go out and kill somebody. Then you get the title.

17:53🔗 Caller Alright, but, I mean...

17:55🔗 Drew Do you have to keep killing people though to be a murderer?

17:57🔗 Adam Alright, shut Drew's mic off. I've had enough of him.

18:01🔗 Caller That's right.

18:01🔗 Adam You gotta renew your membership in the murdering club once in a while.

18:04🔗 Caller If I was 15 and I had never had contact with a girl...

18:07🔗 Adam Joey, if I was with a girl who said she was bisexual, here's what that means to me. I will be with somebody else eventually at some point in our relationship. That's why I'm telling you I'm bisexual.

18:22🔗 Caller All right, well, I got really good and I really respect you guys. I just don't want the listeners to think that I'm like that one guy called up last night.

18:28🔗 Adam Listen, it doesn't make them cheaters or anything. It means you guys could be in a relationship until you're both 20 and then you could go your separate ways and two years later she could take up with a woman. She would still be bisexual and it doesn't necessarily mean she's gonna cheat. I just mean by definition, I think they're gonna move on eventually.

18:48🔗 Caller All right. All right. I have something to say to Dr. Drew with that, right?

18:51🔗 Adam All right.

18:52🔗 Caller All right. Dr. Drew, I was just curious like when you think the abuse starts? Like with Ann, it was her brother, but her brother...

19:02🔗 Adam Turn Drew's mic on for a second. Just a minute.

19:04🔗 Drew Who's Ann?

19:05🔗 Adam The last caller?

19:07🔗 Caller Yeah. She just...

19:08🔗 Like where does it start?

19:09🔗 Caller Like if it's your uncle, does your uncle see that you've been victimized before? But that's in your family. So when does it begin that someone can tell?

19:18🔗 Drew I mean, how does the first victimization occur?

19:21🔗 Adam Right.

19:22🔗 Drew Yeah, they usually...

19:23🔗 Adam Somebody gets drunk.

19:24🔗 Drew No, there are people that actually profile the child that gets picked for the initial victimization. There are actually characteristics of that first child. The first episode of victimization. And I don't know what those characteristics are.

19:37🔗 Adam All right. We're doing the World's Worst Show tonight. Do you feel that? We're not? No. Okay. I told the therapist we were going to do the World's Worst Show tonight.

19:45🔗 Drew Then here you are doing that.

19:47🔗 Adam I told them. He said, hey, your insurance, your money guy called. They want to talk to the insurance people. To see if insurance will pay for some of the therapy. I said, oh, by all means. He said, I have to offer them up an evaluation. I said, I thought about it for a second. Tell them I'm nuts. He said, well, I don't know if I can do that. I said, please go. Just be very liberal. Go right ahead. Tell them I'm is because you tell them you're saying they pay for a week and a half and they tell you to get the hell back to work.

20:19🔗 Drew If anybody leaks that or whatever he does put down on the paper, you've got a big lawsuit in your hand.

20:23🔗 Adam That's great. I hope they do. I hope he says I'm loony as a toon and him and a team of his colleagues are going to have to work around the clock on me for the next several years.

20:34🔗 Drew I must get my hands on this document.

20:36🔗 Adam Wouldn't that be great? How awesome would it be to see this? Can I get it? Yeah, I can.

20:41🔗 Drew You can ask for it. I want to review it with you though.

20:44🔗 Adam Okay, so he delivers, he surmises my condition, right?

20:51🔗 Drew It's not a great patient position to take to start reviewing this. The therapist gets very...

20:58🔗 Caller I don't know.

20:58🔗 Adam I think that's good radio.

21:00🔗 Caller All right, we'll go to break.

21:01🔗 Drew We'll read it.

21:02🔗 Adam We'll work it out and we'll come back.

21:05🔗 You're listening to Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew on Loveline.

21:10🔗 Adam Oh, my hero, John Hyde. Ursula, you don't know what John Hyde is, do you?

21:16🔗 Ursula Auburn No, I don't.

21:17🔗 Adam That's perfect.

21:18🔗 Ursula Auburn Who is he? Tell me.

21:20🔗 Adam He's just my hero. Ursula Auburn is here. Phone number for Loveline, 1-800-L-A-V-E-1-9-1, fax number 310-854-4455. Ursula has had sex with these guys and now she's going to talk about it. Right?

21:35🔗 Caller That's right.

21:36🔗 Adam How's that? Don't you feel bad that you're making money off of this?

21:41🔗 Ursula Auburn No.

21:42🔗 Adam That's not pathetic?

21:43🔗 Ursula Auburn No. I don't believe so.

21:45🔗 Caller Why not?

21:47🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, there's always a bigger picture. You know that. Yeah.

21:51🔗 Adam What is it? Go ahead.

21:52🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, that's going to stay with me. Maybe I'll write a book one day and go into the reasons why I went ahead and did this.

21:59🔗 Adam Oh, and people were mean to you or something?

22:01🔗 Ursula Auburn No, no, no. I just, I didn't do it to hurt anybody.

22:07🔗 Adam Right.

22:07🔗 Ursula Auburn And to sort of also let people know that some of these guys do date normal girls, don't pay for it. A lot of them have been dogged in the press.

22:17🔗 Adam Are you a normal girl?

22:18🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes.

22:19🔗 Caller You are? Yes.

22:20🔗 Ursula Auburn I've worked at Disney for several years and I just recently resigned.

22:24🔗 Adam I bet they're excited about that. What did you do over there?

22:29🔗 Ursula Auburn Mergers and acquisitions, strategic planning.

22:31🔗 Caller Wow.

22:33🔗 Adam They got a war room going on over there? Does that sound like what's going on there? You see a big map of the United States and they're taking the Matterhorn on a stick and sliding it over here. A bunch of guys smoking.

22:48🔗 Ursula Auburn The things I could tell you.

22:49🔗 Adam Oh, I'll bet. How did you meet all these guys? Let's see. Who did you sleep with? You can tell us.

22:56🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, not Mickey Mouse. He was next on my list.

22:59🔗 Adam Yeah.

22:59🔗 Ursula Auburn Oh, boy. Jack Nicholson, Mikhail Baryshnikov. I feel stupid like I'm bragging here.

23:08🔗 Adam What were the-

23:09🔗 Ursula Auburn Charlie Sheen.

23:10🔗 Adam Which are the ones that you have captured on your phone message machine or something?

23:14🔗 Ursula Auburn Jack Nicholson, Charlie Sheen, Mikhail Baryshnikov, Don Henley, Ian Ziering, Breaking Up With Me.

23:21🔗 Adam Oh, really?

23:22🔗 Ursula Auburn Uh-huh. There's some really funny ones on there.

23:25🔗 Adam Ian Ziering. Hold on, Drew, do you know who Ian Ziering is?

23:28🔗 Drew From 90210.

23:30🔗 Adam Oh, Drew, everybody.

23:31🔗 Drew You just had me read this.

23:32🔗 Adam Oh, you didn't know that before then?

23:34🔗 Drew Yeah, kind of.

23:35🔗 Adam Who cares about Ian Ziering, for Christ's sake?

23:38🔗 Ursula Auburn Aw, he's quite a hunk. He's actually really- he's a great-

23:42🔗 Adam Drew's better looking than Ian Ziering, please. And he's on some crappy show that's going nowhere.

23:48🔗 Drew Did you pursue these guys?

23:50🔗 Ursula Auburn I pursued only one of them.

23:52🔗 Drew Did you have relationships with them? Yes, I did.

23:54🔗 Ursula Auburn The only one that was a one-night stand was Nicolas Cage. That was a one-night stand.

23:59🔗 Adam And how do you meet these guys?

24:00🔗 Ursula Auburn I am just gosh darn lucky. I got divorced when I was about 23, 22.

24:07🔗 Drew How old had you been married?

24:09🔗 Ursula Auburn For a couple of years.

24:10🔗 Drew Older guy?

24:11🔗 Ursula Auburn No, boyfriend out of high school. And Charlie Sheen lived next door to my parents.

24:17🔗 Adam Jason Presley, was that your original husband?

24:20🔗 Ursula Auburn Gosh, I wish.

24:22🔗 Adam That would be nice. Being an attractive girl, you can just go out and sleep with guys. It doesn't really matter. I mean, you can do it, right? So you get divorced. You get divorced and you're living out here? Or you move out here?

24:36🔗 Ursula Auburn I'm living out here.

24:38🔗 Adam So you get divorced. You're 23.

24:41🔗 Ursula Auburn 22 actually, yeah. And Charlie Sheen lived next door and I actually really made that relationship happen because I needed something to give me that confidence to get back into, out of a bad marriage and you know...

24:55🔗 Drew What happened to the marriage?

24:56🔗 Ursula Auburn It was a violent marriage. And he's probably going to call in tonight. But it got me out of something that was not a good situation.

25:04🔗 Drew What we're going to wonder is why you got into that kind of marriage, what led you into that sort of thing and why being in powerful situations and being a powerful people is so important to you?

25:17🔗 Ursula Auburn It's definitely programming from childhood. You know, my mothers were married numerous times. I've been taught that...

25:24🔗 Drew Were some of those guys abusive to you?

25:25🔗 Ursula Auburn Um...

25:27🔗 Drew Physically?

25:27🔗 Ursula Auburn No, no, no, definitely not. And I've just always grown up believing that money was important and power was important. You had to have it. And I never really had a good father figure and Jack, as a matter of fact, even looks like my dad. I think that...

25:45🔗 Drew Your biological father.

25:46🔗 Caller What happened to him?

25:47🔗 Ursula Auburn You know, he's like Jack's age and has a three-year-old kid somewhere in Georgia. Yeah. And I think Jack was more like a father figure.

25:55🔗 Drew But your real dad you have no relationship with?

25:56🔗 Ursula Auburn No, my mom refused to let me keep touch with him. So I think that my husband was just for me to get out of the house. I needed desperately to get out. And I'm just far more nurturing. A lot of women nurture more to, I don't know, they want other people to want to make other people feel better. They don't think about themselves.

26:18🔗 Adam Those are good. You got a husband now or your boyfriend now?

26:23🔗 Ursula Auburn No. Good.

26:25🔗 Adam He'd be pissed. It's a nightmare having your wife or your girlfriend going on radio talking about humping guys.

26:31🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah.

26:31🔗 Adam It really is.

26:32🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, yeah.

26:33🔗 Adam Not that there's anything wrong with humping guys. I'm just saying it's a nightmare to have your wife or girlfriend go on the radio and talk about it.

26:38🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, that's the original feeling that you would have if you're an insecure person or probably not secure the relationship.

26:44🔗 Adam Now, I would just think my wife is nuts. That's what I would think. I mean, I demand that she stay at home. Make her not do it.

26:51🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, I wouldn't do this if I was married.

26:52🔗 Adam Okay. Good.

26:53🔗 Ursula Auburn No, I think the original feeling would be of that too, if you're insecure about yourself or the relationship. I have to say that there are old boyfriends that I've had in the past that know me very well and they don't care about this. Well, they're old boyfriends.

27:07🔗 Adam I could give a rat's ass what my ex-girlfriends are doing. They make porn films for all I care.

27:11🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, okay.

27:12🔗 Adam Some of them do, don't they? They're old girlfriends.

27:13🔗 Ursula Auburn I like you. You're very like straight up.

27:16🔗 Adam Well, maybe we'll have some time. Hey, you know what? I may be as big a celebrity as I am Zuring. I mean, all right, well, I'd probably have to be a little bit kinkier, because he's been on this 90210 for a few years now. But you know, I think in certain circles, I may garner even more respect as a celebrity.

27:35🔗 Drew Where?

27:36🔗 Adam In my own circle?

27:37🔗 Drew Yeah.

27:38🔗 Adam Is that possible?

27:39🔗 Drew That would be the one.

27:40🔗 Adam All right. So let's just get back to the sex here for a second. I'm sorry for picking at your brain too much here. Jack Nicholson, Nicholas Cage, Mikhail Baryshnikov, who was a little bit older, a famous ballet dancer and an actor, and Ian Zuring and anyone else?

28:00🔗 Ursula Auburn Don Henley.

28:01🔗 Adam Oh, Don Henley.

28:02🔗 Ursula Auburn Ken Schreiner, Scotty Baldwin from General Hospital.

28:04🔗 Adam Ken Schreiner?

28:06🔗 Ursula Auburn You remember Scotty Baldwin?

28:07🔗 Adam Who's Ken Schreiner?

28:09🔗 Ursula Auburn Will Schreiner's brother. Yeah, I think we have a message.

28:12🔗 Adam Drew doesn't know Will Schreiner, does he?

28:14🔗 Ursula Auburn I think we have a, it's for the, you know, some soap person.

28:17🔗 Adam Oh, okay.

28:17🔗 Ursula Auburn I don't know, what are they? IEG is still going through all my tapes, trying to put together more, what is it, to put out clublove.com.

28:25🔗 Adam And then they, and then, so what it is, is you get involved with this, what is it called? IEG?

28:31🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes, IEG.

28:32🔗 Adam IEG.

28:33🔗 Ursula Auburn Internet Entertainment Group.

28:34🔗 Adam And what this company does is they take people's personal property and they put it on the Internet, I guess, right?

28:45🔗 Ursula Auburn They are actually...

28:46🔗 Adam But how do they do this without the consent of the other people? I never understood that. I mean, like with the Pamela Lee tape, how do they do that?

28:55🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, it's called, first of all, they're great supporters of the First Amendment.

29:00🔗 Adam Oh, that's such a load of crap. They're vermin.

29:03🔗 Caller They're vermin, please.

29:06🔗 Adam Great supporters of the First Amendment. If the First Amendment is the freedom of vermin, then they're great supporters of that. That is so ridiculous. I love it when idiots hide behind that kind of crap.

29:18🔗 Ursula Auburn And also, you don't know really if Pamela actually is behind all this.

29:24🔗 Adam I don't know. I couldn't tell you. I don't know what's in it for her, but maybe she is behind it.

29:30🔗 Ursula Auburn They provide a way for some people to make money. Not really make money, but sometimes things have to be done.

29:42🔗 Caller Well, I can see that's pretty out of hand with Ayn Zuring.

29:47🔗 Adam Someone's got to step in and stop the madness. Ayn Zuring broke up on her answering machine, and people got to step in and do something. I understand they're providing a service that way.

29:54🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, I'm not a scorned person at all. That's definitely not it.

29:57🔗 Adam All right, well, listen, you're making money. I understand that. But IEG, do you think that they got the tapes? Do you think Pamela gave them the tapes?

30:05🔗 Ursula Auburn I couldn't tell you.

30:06🔗 Adam Oh, you know something, though, right? Oh, yes.

30:09🔗 Ursula Auburn I couldn't tell you.

30:10🔗 Adam She did give them the tape. Everyone was right but me.

30:13🔗 Ursula Auburn Right.

30:13🔗 Adam I thought somebody stole the tape, and then somebody stole it and slipped it to them. But it seems like she may have slipped it to them.

30:22🔗 Ursula Auburn We don't know. But maybe we will.

30:24🔗 Adam Maybe we know.

30:25🔗 Ursula Auburn I think somebody is trying to crack open that file.

30:28🔗 Adam Because can you legally, could they legally play this tape, let's say, of Pamela and Tommy Lee, if someone stole it and gave it to them?

30:38🔗 Ursula Auburn I'm not a lawyer. I don't know enough about that to answer that question.

30:41🔗 Adam But you can play your answering machine stuff because it's your property?

30:45🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, because it's definitely my property, and they knew they were being recorded. In California, you know you can't record a conversation unless the person knows.

30:53🔗 Adam Right. But there's a difference between like, if you go to a jazz concert or something, they know they're playing and they could even know they're being recorded. But if you try to sell the recording of the concert, that's illegal. Wouldn't that be sort of the same thing? No. I don't know. All right. So you're saying that IEG buys it. How much money did you make? Did you sell for a lot?

31:19🔗 Ursula Auburn Not a whole lot. No, not really.

31:21🔗 Adam Yeah. Because it's kind of a, there's nothing visual there, but it's still kind of fun to listen to. Can we listen to some of them?

31:27🔗 Yes. Do you have any?

31:28🔗 Adam No, I don't know.

31:29🔗 Ursula Auburn You don't have any? I think.

31:31🔗 Adam Drew, you have any?

31:32🔗 Ursula Auburn I know they're copyrighted. I think we were supposed to get a licensing.

31:35🔗 Adam Oh, we were?

31:35🔗 Ursula Auburn Something like that.

31:36🔗 Adam And do we have anything like that? No.

31:40🔗 Ursula Auburn Maybe.

31:42🔗 Adam Well, we'll see what we can do. We'll work on this. All right, Drew, take a quick question and we'll get more into this. Hannah, are these guys embarrassing on this phone machine?

31:53🔗 Caller They're drunk, huh?

31:54🔗 Ursula Auburn No, they're not drunk, but some of them are pretty funny.

31:59🔗 Adam A little pathetic, maybe?

32:00🔗 Ursula Auburn A little, maybe.

32:01🔗 Adam Okay.

32:01🔗 Caller Hannah.

32:02🔗 Ursula Auburn Good. Hi, Dr. Drew.

32:04🔗 Drew Hi.

32:04🔗 Ursula Auburn Hi, Adam.

32:05🔗 Adam Big supporters of First Amendment.

32:07🔗 Drew What's going on, Hannah?

32:08🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, I wanted to tell you a bit of a story, I guess, and I also had a question at the end of it. This is the first time that I've discussed this in somewhat public with my real name.

32:20🔗 Drew Okay.

32:20🔗 Ursula Auburn I was adopted when I was four years old. I was adopted from Somalia. I was adopted by an American family. And very recently, about a year ago, when I went to my gynecologist, I found out that I was a victim of female mutilation.

32:37🔗 Drew Genital mutilation.

32:38🔗 Ursula Auburn A female genital mutilation, that's right. And my clitoris is completely cut off, and so it's part of my lipia. And I was okay. I mean, I had a very, very, very painful period growing up. But I mean, I was generally okay as far as, you know, having normal relationships and anything. But every time I, ever since I found out, I've had this great, like, psychological impact, and I've just been kind of drawn in, and it's become very difficult for me to discuss this with anybody. My parents knew all along, but my father's...

33:15🔗 Adam GIO You're adopted, you're adopted parents.

33:17🔗 Ursula Auburn My adoptive parents, yeah.

33:18🔗 Drew GIO All right, hold on a second. Hold on a second.

33:23🔗 Adam We're running a little bit late. We've got to go to break. This is interesting because we haven't, I don't think we've ever had one of these calls. We've had discussions on it. You hip to this, Ursula, this female genital mutilation?

33:35🔗 Ursula Auburn This is new to me.

33:36🔗 Drew It's done around the world. Various cultures do it in various different procedures.

33:40🔗 Adam I've heard arguments that it's, it ain't a whole lot worse than circumcision. If you thought about it, it's sort of like if no one had ever circumcised anybody, and then some guy called in and he said, somebody took about an inch of skin at the end of my penis, and they cut it off, you'd be like, this is an outrage. But anyway, hold on a second.

34:00🔗 Caller Drew and I actually saw a tape of this. We actually saw it, and this girl was like six years old, and they basically just laid her head on the bed. The kitchen table, and just without cleaning the tools or anything.

34:12🔗 Adam You know why that's no good for me? It's the same reason why you don't like to see people vomiting before you eat later. You know you're going to eat, or you don't want to have like a tour of a rendering plant because you know you're going to eat. I don't like to see stuff that's going to ruin my potential masturbation later on.

34:27🔗 Caller Also, with male circumcision, the male can still orgasm.

34:30🔗 Drew No, women actually, you'll find out, we'll talk to Hannah, but my reading on this subject suggests women retain their function.

34:36🔗 Adam Okay, I bet she doesn't orgasm.

34:38🔗 Drew We'll see.

34:38🔗 Adam You want a dollar?

34:39🔗 Drew Put a dollar on it.

34:40🔗 Adam 50-50, that's already. You're going against the orgasm? Yeah.

34:44🔗 Ursula Auburn I'll go for the orgasm.

34:45🔗 Adam Ursula, you guys are okay. Ursula and Drew, she can have an orgasm. Adam and Ann, she can't. We'll settle this when we get back.

34:53🔗 Ursula Auburn Gioie.

34:53🔗 And Tony from Fastball, and you're listening to Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew.

34:59🔗 Adam Yes, you is. Ursula Auburn is here.

35:03🔗 Ursula Auburn Hi.

35:03🔗 Adam That's your real name? Wow, it's like a porn name. Ursula had sex with these famous guys, and then what happened was they left messages on her answering machine and she has sold those messages to IEG, the champions of the First Amendment, and now they're putting them up on the Internet. And how do you even know what to do with a videotape? I mean, I'm sorry, with a cassette of Ian Zuring breaking up with you. I mean, does somebody contact you? What do you do? How do you know?

35:43🔗 Ursula Auburn Actually, it started off with a totally different premise of me being at IEG, but it ended up with the tapes, the messages.

35:53🔗 Adam Well, why did you even have the tapes? I would have erased them.

35:55🔗 Ursula Auburn I'm being a girl. I mean, girls just do that.

35:58🔗 Adam You want to erase them?

35:58🔗 Ursula Auburn We save, we save, no. We save messages.

36:00🔗 Adam I don't know any girl that saves my messages.

36:02🔗 Ursula Auburn You'd be surprised.

36:03🔗 Adam Once in a while, I call my girlfriend up and I speak in nothing but American Indian gibberish for about 10 minutes. I just call up and I go, Yeah, hey, nanahitchakewa, nanachakeya, ya mambaykache, Dr. Drew, nanachakeya, nanachakewa. I just do it for like 10 minutes and she saves it. But that's the only time she ever saves my answering machines. She would, wouldn't she?

36:27🔗 Drew She just does what with it?

36:29🔗 Adam She just saves it and then sits at work once in a while, listens to me speak in American, Indian, and Jibberish and I'll go on and on sometimes.

36:37🔗 Caller Watching TV.

36:38🔗 Adam But anyway, okay, so if Charlie Sheen called me, I guess I would save it myself. So, or Jack Nicholson. So you save them and now you have them and now what?

36:49🔗 Ursula Auburn I actually wasn't expecting this to happen at all. I don't know. I mean, what's the question? What happened?

36:56🔗 Adam Well, I just want to know how, and Drew, you know what I'm asking.

37:01🔗 Drew How it went from having these tapes to getting the idea to put them on the Internet?

37:04🔗 Adam Yeah.

37:05🔗 Drew What was the series of events that you were inspired?

37:07🔗 Caller Who contacts you?

37:08🔗 Adam They don't know if you have the tapes. You must contact somebody or somebody must tell somebody something, right?

37:15🔗 Ursula Auburn Right.

37:16🔗 Adam Well, you don't want to talk about that?

37:18🔗 Ursula Auburn No, of course not.

37:19🔗 Adam Well, what happened? Why not?

37:22🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, you know, they offered me a bazillion dollars. I just said, great, have the tapes now. Well, I'm trying to think of a good story, something interesting and funny.

37:32🔗 Adam Here's all I'm asking. Listen, I'm not trying to put you on the spot too much, but here's all I'm saying. You have tapes of these people, these celebrities, right? Saying interesting, embarrassing, humiliating, provocative things.

37:46🔗 Ursula Auburn No, they're not saying anything embarrassing, humiliating.

37:49🔗 Adam Well, then who cares?

37:50🔗 Ursula Auburn They're just, you know, they're funny. They're cute. They're funny.

37:53🔗 Adam Okay. So they're saying cute and funny things, and you have them on a cassette, and you think, hey, this has got to be worth something, or I'd like people to hear this.

38:01🔗 Ursula Auburn Right. Right.

38:02🔗 Adam Okay, fine. I want to share this with people. They'd be entertained. Now, if I was in this position, I was holding this cassette, I wouldn't know what to do at that point. I wouldn't know that there was a company that I could sell this to. I would think, well, maybe I'll call the inquirer, and then I'd think, no, what would they do? Well, they could write the transcripts of IN. Zuring breaking up with you, but that doesn't seem like it would move a lot of copies.

38:27🔗 Ursula Auburn I've actually had a lot of schooling on computers and Internet.

38:31🔗 Adam So you were hip to it?

38:33🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah, I would spend most of my time in the office on the computer, on the Internet.

38:37🔗 Adam So you knew there was a market for this kind of thing?

38:39🔗 Ursula Auburn Oh, yeah, I'm very familiar with the Internet and the marketability of it.

38:42🔗 Adam So you contacted them, right?

38:45🔗 Ursula Auburn Oh, yes.

38:46🔗 Adam Oh, okay. So there's nothing damning about that, although, well, a little bit. But anyway, you contacted IEG?

38:53🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes.

38:54🔗 Adam And they said, oh, we'd be interested in using this?

38:57🔗 Ursula Auburn Oh, yes.

38:58🔗 Adam Because they're, again, trying to educate about the First Amendment via celebrities doing stuff. What else does IEG do?

39:06🔗 Ursula Auburn Um, they have a, well, it's an adult site.

39:10🔗 Adam Don't they have a program where they try to destroy the ozone or something? They're not working on that?

39:15🔗 Ursula Auburn I don't know.

39:16🔗 Adam They're such a humanitarian, those guys. All right, so you give them that.

39:19🔗 Ursula Auburn It's the best form of safe sex, though, I'll tell you that.

39:22🔗 Adam Are we going to hear some of this stuff? Hey, what do you got on there? Is that her nude? What the hell's Mike looking at? What did you pose on? What did you pose for, Ursula? Ursula, please.

39:33🔗 Ursula Auburn I'm naked on there, too.

39:34🔗 Adam Well, hold on one second, Ursula. Shut Ursula's mic off for one second. Let me just say something. Ursula, here's the deal. You're selling tapes of you. You're talking about humping Charlie Sheen and Jack Nicholson. You're posing naked for God knows, I don't know what, and you're selling tapes of your phone answering machine with these guys. Now, for Christ's sake, don't come in here and play coy with us and pretend like you just dropped down in the middle of the studio and you were a victim of all this crap. You went out and saw it. So that's what we're talking about. I mean, Mike has punched up the Internet. He's looking at pictures of you naked. But that's because you took pictures that were naked and you put them on the Internet, right? Right. Okay. All right then.

40:16🔗 Caller All right.

40:17🔗 Adam Don't make Mike look like the rapist that he is just because he's looking up something on the Internet. Mike, let me see that too. What were these pictures for, Playboy?

40:26🔗 Ursula Auburn No.

40:27🔗 Caller What were they for?

40:28🔗 Adam You look good.

40:29🔗 Ursula Auburn Just for the Internet, thank you.

40:30🔗 Adam You just took pictures for the Internet? Well, it looks good. I'm going to stand up and see that. You're wearing a gown there, please. Who took that one? It's horrible. All right, and can we get some of these conversations off of the Internet?

40:43🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah, I guess I'll go for it.

40:45🔗 Adam We can?

40:46🔗 Caller Yes, it's Jack, returning your call if I've reached the correct place, which I do not know.

40:51🔗 Thank you.

40:54🔗 Ursula Auburn He left that message at my girlfriend's house.

40:56🔗 Adam I see. So that's Jack returning your call.

40:58🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah, when I was staying at a friend's house.

41:00🔗 Adam And is there another one of Jack?

41:01🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah, there's a couple.

41:02🔗 Adam Oh, there is? And we got Charlie Sheen.

41:06🔗 Caller Hey, Ars, it's Charles calling. It's about 6.15 on Thursday, going to my house for my mom's birthday gathering. And I'll be home all night, you know? And jeez, I'm sorry. I was such a grump the other night. I just.

41:29🔗 Adam Well, no, they didn't get to that part.

41:31🔗 Ursula Auburn Wait, wait, wait.

41:33🔗 Adam It seems like he drives a nice car.

41:35🔗 Drew He was sitting outside the.

41:37🔗 Ursula Auburn Oh, it's the test.

41:38🔗 Drew He was sitting outside the Toyota Grand Prix.

41:40🔗 Adam I swear to God, I was about to say that sounds like a Ferrari 12-cylinder he was driving.

41:46🔗 Wow.

41:47🔗 Adam And why did we stop that one? Now, engineer Mike had something to scrub with the tape there. All right, Mike, you want to keep working on that?

41:54🔗 No? All right.

41:55🔗 Adam Could you keep working on that? All right, we'll take a call and we'll hear some more.

42:01🔗 Drew We're going back to Hannah. I was talking about the female...

42:03🔗 Adam Oh, Hannah.

42:04🔗 Drew Right. That's right. Hannah?

42:06🔗 Caller Hi, guys.

42:06🔗 Drew All right, so you had a clitoractomy.

42:08🔗 Adam All right, wait a minute. Everyone gets a dollar out.

42:12🔗 Caller What are you betting on?

42:13🔗 Adam We... Now, don't answer yet.

42:14🔗 Ursula Auburn Okay.

42:15🔗 Adam We're going to wait till the money gets down on the table here.

42:17🔗 Ursula Auburn Oh, okay. I know what you're betting on.

42:18🔗 Adam Yeah. Dr. Gio... I mean, Drew over here is just putting out that 85 cents worth of nickels. Hey, Annie, want to get a buck in here, sweet pea? Here she comes.

42:30🔗 Caller All right.

42:31🔗 Adam Ursula doesn't screw around. She's writing something down. I don't know what that is. I need to remember to do this. Oh, okay. We were betting whether you had an orgasm or not. I said no, Ann said no, but Drew and Ursula said yes.

42:48🔗 Ursula Auburn I want to know why Drew said yes.

42:50🔗 Drew Because in the New England Journal of Medicine, they ran a review of all the different procedures that have been done to women. They ran that about a year and a half or so ago. And in there, they talk about clitorectomy and say much to everyone's surprise, most women that have that procedure retain their orgasmic function.

43:07🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes. I'm glad that you're knowledgeable about this. I'm sure you are right.

43:10🔗 Adam Oh, that bastard. He boned up on the clitorectomy.

43:14🔗 Ursula Auburn You know what is interesting, Adam, though? You are partly correct, because after I found out about it, it became difficult to...

43:23🔗 Adam Yeah. That ain't it. I'm not right. Sorry, Ursula. We got screwed there.

43:27🔗 Ursula Auburn No, I said she could have one.

43:28🔗 Drew Yeah. Ursula said yes.

43:29🔗 Adam Oh, I'm sorry. You get that.

43:33🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes, because it's more of a psychological controlling method.

43:37🔗 Drew Right.

43:37🔗 Ursula Auburn It is a more biological one.

43:39🔗 Drew Well, at this point, you have this incredible trauma inflicted upon you. You're sort of with that memory now in a more conscious way. How to reconcile that must be very difficult.

43:52🔗 Ursula Auburn It is extremely difficult.

43:54🔗 Drew And frankly, I think that's sort of what people that perpetrate these sorts of things are trying to do to women.

43:59🔗 Adam Where are you from again?

44:00🔗 Drew Men, and Ursula brought this up on a break. Let her tell us where she's from.

44:04🔗 Adam I'm curious to be listening.

44:05🔗 Drew Hang on. Somalia. Thank you. But men tend to be very threatened by female sexuality throughout history. I mean you look at Greek images and mythologies about containing the nature as it is symbolized in women. And so this is one way that society is sort of attempting to foist that upon women.

44:25🔗 Ursula Auburn How do Greek societies embrace the sexuality of women?

44:28🔗 Adam Well, they, you know, listen, it's a real, it's a real double-edged sword, this feminine sexuality. Guys tend to send a real mixed message because on one hand they want a virgin, on the other hand they're sitting there watching Baywatch all night long and going insane.

44:47🔗 Drew And the other thing in terms of the Greek society is that I am no expert in this, but what I have read suggests a lot of important imagery about Apollo victorious over the Amazons and Dionysus. And that's female sexuality, I mean that's what that is.

45:03🔗 Ursula Auburn Right.

45:03🔗 Adam All right, so Hannah, you had this thing done to you. How old do you believe you were?

45:08🔗 Ursula Auburn I was, well, I've read up a lot about it since I found out, and so I think generally it is done between the ages of three and four, which is really interesting because when I found out that this happened to me, I've always had somewhat of a brief recollection. I think I blocked it out just because of the pain. I remember like a bloody scream, and a painful, painful, painful incident.

45:32🔗 Adam I don't even have a labia. It's starting to hurt.

45:34🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah, really.

45:35🔗 Adam And why do they even, why do they bother taking part of that? They already got the clitoris.

45:39🔗 Ursula Auburn That might have been just taken off just because these, these procedures are done, believe it or not, by broken coke bottles and lasers and things of that nature.

45:48🔗 Adam Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, now my labia is really hurting.

45:51🔗 Drew Sometimes they do that and then sew the vagina up.

45:54🔗 Yeah, they do.

45:55🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah, that's another procedure. Well, that's another popular one. Different tribes that think of different stuff.

45:59🔗 Adam Hold on a second. Why, why perform this with a, you know, because it's tribe in Africa.

46:05🔗 Drew It's out in the wilderness somewhere.

46:07🔗 Adam Oh, because it wasn't- It's all the hat. It's all the hat.

46:09🔗 Drew Yeah.

46:10🔗 Adam Someone couldn't pony up an X-ACTO knife or something? No. And he was a busted dug-it.

46:15🔗 Quite a technological example.

46:17🔗 Adam You see a can, the lid from a can of a Dinty Moore stew or something, and it was rusted. Oh, all right.

46:24🔗 Ursula Auburn Thank you.

46:24🔗 Adam Anna, you're all right, though?

46:26🔗 Ursula Auburn So, yeah, I mean, now it's just, it's really difficult because I had, before I had a really active, you know, really active social life. I, I, I model and I, I've kind of contacted with.

46:37🔗 Drew But maybe that was a compensation for the same thing in the other direction. You need to achieve some more balance. You sound great. It doesn't give you that terrible feeling that you get from people who have really been abused. And just look into it a little bit, try to achieve some more balance in your life, stay in connected relationship with friends, and try to establish some stable long-term relationship with males. I think it'll sort out.

46:56🔗 Adam Beauty. I'm going to go suck my crotch.

46:57🔗 Caller We'll be back.

46:59🔗 Caller I'm Natasha Hennstrich and you're listening to Loveline with the sexy Adam Corolla and the fabulously sensitive Dr. Drew.

47:09🔗 Adam That's my new bitch, that Natasha. Hey, we have Ursula Auburn here. I'll tell you all about her in just a second. We got to go to a little ten second break and then we'll be back.

47:23🔗 Caller This is Loveline on Radio Station 98KUPD Tempe, Phoenix.

47:38🔗 Caller Hey, Ars, it's Charles calling. It's about 6.15 on Thursday, going to my house for my mom's birthday gathering. And I'll be home all night, you know? And geez, I'm sorry, I was such a grump the other night. I just, you know, well, heck, I'll explain when I talk to you in person. I hope you're well and thanks for not, you know, hating me for it. Okay, I'm babbling. You know where to find me and that's where I'll be. Hope you're doing well. Talk to you soon.

48:19🔗 Drew I'm just curious, what does being a grump mean? What was he, what did he do?

48:22🔗 Ursula Auburn He was sober, actually.

48:24🔗 Drew But what does being a grump mean?

48:25🔗 Ursula Auburn He was grumpy. He came, he was in New York and he came home and he had a drink because he had problems with the divorce.

48:30🔗 Drew That's not sober.

48:31🔗 Ursula Auburn And no, he had come home and had his first drink. There wasn't even a problem with the house.

48:35🔗 Adam You can't be sober and drink?

48:36🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah, he's apologizing for breaking his promise, basically. And he was grumpy and I guess-

48:41🔗 Drew Grumpy, abusive, grumpy?

48:43🔗 Ursula Auburn Oh gosh, no, no, no.

48:44🔗 Adam True, look at Drew all of a sudden.

48:45🔗 Ursula Auburn He's never been abusive to me ever. He's always just been so gentle. I can't, I'm not kidding you. I cannot imagine that side of Charlie. I've never seen it.

48:56🔗 Drew Why?

48:56🔗 Ursula Auburn Did he do anything to you, Drew?

48:58🔗 Drew No, I'm not worried about him so much. I'm just amazed at the way people dismiss grumpiness. Oh, gee, sorry. When grumpiness very often is overtly hostile.

49:09🔗 Adam Well, on our show it is.

49:11🔗 Ursula Auburn He was a little grumpy.

49:13🔗 Adam All right. But why is it-

49:16🔗 Drew And I would expect Ursula to have, you know, you've discussed her already that you tend to form relationships with abusers. Your husband was an abuser and so I thought maybe-

49:25🔗 Adam Well, a guy lives next door. Give her a break.

49:28🔗 Drew No, I'm just saying maybe it's another opportunity to start a conversation.

49:32🔗 Adam I talked to Ursula during the commercials. She's been through a lot in her life and now I want to make her a little bit of money.

49:37🔗 Drew Do you feel guilty?

49:38🔗 Adam I'll let her give her a plug. Yeah. Yeah, go ahead.

49:40🔗 Ursula Auburn So those messages are coming off of my website at www.clublove.com. So come check it out and there's a whole lot more fun stuff to do.

49:49🔗 Adam Well, Ursula is naked, right? Yeah. That's better.

49:52🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah.

49:53🔗 Adam That's awesome. We don't need to hear Charlie Sheen, Babylon about going to his mom's house.

49:57🔗 Ursula Auburn There's some pictures.

49:58🔗 Adam For Christ's sake, we'll rent the Charlie Sheen movie. I want to hear him talk. I want to watch him in a movie.

50:03🔗 Ursula Auburn That's clublove.com, everybody.

50:05🔗 Adam Clublove. How much does that cost?

50:07🔗 Ursula Auburn It's free for the first week. You have to be 18 or over.

50:10🔗 Adam It is?

50:11🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes.

50:12🔗 Adam It's free for the first week?

50:13🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes, free for the first week.

50:14🔗 Adam But don't you just tune in the first week?

50:16🔗 Ursula Auburn But I gave you guys the password.

50:17🔗 Adam We tune in. If I tune in the first week, I see you naked and I hear Jack and Nicholas Cage, and then I'm done, right?

50:24🔗 Ursula Auburn There's none from Nick Cage.

50:26🔗 Adam Okay. But the point is, what brings me back the second week?

50:30🔗 Ursula Auburn There's other things on the website. There's this thing called the arcade, which I think is kind of interesting, where you can actually have a visual of a female or a male, and you can tell them what you want them to do, and they'll do it for you. It's very, and I've met these girls. They're very, very sweet girls. They're pros. I think that's so interesting. I had no idea that something like that even existed.

50:51🔗 Adam So you could play like backgammon with them or something like that?

50:55🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah.

50:56🔗 Adam They got to get naked though, right?

50:57🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, they are naked. They'll do anything. Yeah. I think that's very interesting.

51:01🔗 Adam Whenever, by the way, someone says, they'll do what you want them to do, it always means drop your pants and spread your cheeks.

51:08🔗 Drew Well, I'm very confused. You mean there's a person sitting there waiting? It's called the arcade. Or you just dial on to a camera that other people are watching.

51:15🔗 Ursula Auburn You choose a performer that you want. Whatever performers are in the arcade.

51:18🔗 Drew Did Ice Tea have something like this?

51:20🔗 Adam Ice Tea did have something like that. Ice Tea is like Pimp Girls or something. Yeah, I don't know. These girls are sweet girls. I know the computers. The computers, everyone's nuts with the computer. I don't turn on my computer. I don't know how to work it. I have no interest in any games or anything.

51:38🔗 Drew That beautiful office.

51:39🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, good. You probably get outside and actually have a real life.

51:42🔗 Adam It's like all I need is one more vice.

51:46🔗 Drew I masturbation napping at the computer. We never see you.

51:48🔗 Adam Yeah, that's all I need to do is spend countless hours sitting at my desk telling some poor chick who was abused by her stepdad to a dropper drawers. I mean, I can watch that on video. It only takes five minutes.

52:03🔗 Ursula Auburn I haven't done the arcade.

52:05🔗 Adam You haven't?

52:05🔗 Ursula Auburn I've been there and we did our live interactive and I met the girls there and it was interesting. It blew me away.

52:11🔗 Adam What a living. All right, so where the hell were we? Derek?

52:16🔗 Caller Yeah.

52:16🔗 Adam You're 15.

52:17🔗 Caller Oh, yeah, that's right.

52:18🔗 Adam What's going on with you?

52:20🔗 Caller Oh, man, a lot, really. This past Saturday, I had caught my cousin.

52:27🔗 Caller She was having an affair with her husband's friend. We had some family sleeping over, and it was about 3.41. We all went to bed, and they had been talking and kind of flirting around, you know.

52:40🔗 Drew How old are they?

52:42🔗 Caller Well, my cousin, she's 18.

52:44🔗 Caller Her husband's 23, and her husband's friend's is...

52:47🔗 Drew All right, so you witnessed some trouble here. Have you talked to your cousin about it?

52:51🔗 Caller See, that's the thing.

52:52🔗 Caller I don't know whether or not she could front them or...

52:55🔗 Adam Wait a minute, was your cousin's husband there, too?

52:58🔗 Caller Yeah, he was asleep, though.

53:00🔗 Caller He was laying right there. Right there? Yeah, she did it right there. He was on the floor, and they were on my bottom bunk.

53:09🔗 Adam Oh, and there's bunk beds and cousins. Ah, well, what's the name of an Elvis movie? Bunk Beds and Cousins?

53:15🔗 Drew Something like that.

53:17🔗 Adam This is why, by the way, everyone who gets married at 18 is suspect. You know what I mean? You're acting out. You're doing something, for Christ's sake. Listen, when you screw around with someone next to the sleeping corpse of your husband or wife, you're asking for something. You're acting out. One hundred percent. You know what I mean?

53:41🔗 Drew You should be terrified. Yeah, I'm baffled by this whole thing. I think you need to confront your cousin about it, and then get out.

53:47🔗 Caller Well, I had told my mom, and my mom said she felt like confronting her herself.

53:51🔗 Drew All right, that's fine. But just kind of stay out of it. They've got real trouble. And don't get caught in the crossfire.

53:58🔗 Caller They haven't even been married for a year.

54:00🔗 Adam Of course.

54:01🔗 Drew That's a myth.

54:01🔗 Adam Listen, what's your uncle like?

54:04🔗 Caller Well, I mean, he's real nice, you know? Her dad? Actually.

54:07🔗 Adam What's her dad doing? That's the uncle. Yeah. He's nice?

54:11🔗 Caller Oh, yeah. Well, he was nice.

54:13🔗 Caller He passed away.

54:15🔗 Drew How long ago?

54:16🔗 Caller Just like, not this weekend, but last weekend.

54:19🔗 Drew How about he dying?

54:20🔗 Caller Heart attack.

54:21🔗 Adam Oh, boy. Probably heard she got what she was up to.

54:24🔗 Ursula Auburn Sounds like she wants to get caught.

54:26🔗 Adam It really does. See, why did she get married at 18?

54:32🔗 Caller Well, I guess she thought it was love, you know? I really can't say. I mean, she's had a lot of experiences.

54:39🔗 Drew Classes on what? Love.

54:41🔗 Adam Hold on a second.

54:42🔗 Drew What is love?

54:42🔗 Adam She's had what?

54:43🔗 Caller She's had like a lot of experiences with like, you know, other things. When she was like 16.

54:48🔗 Adam Yeah.

54:48🔗 Caller She, so to say, was in a relationship with a black dude and he had only stuck it in, you know?

54:54🔗 Caller At least that's what she says.

54:55🔗 Caller And then she supposedly did it with another guy.

54:58🔗 Adam Oh, what's the story about the black guy sticking it in?

55:00🔗 Caller Okay, well, I don't really know the whole thing.

55:03🔗 Caller All I know is like, yeah.

55:05🔗 Adam All right, Derek, let's forget about the bits and pieces of your cousin's sexuality. Your mom knows you're off the hook. Don't get married. Derek, get out of there. Stay away from bunk beds.

55:16🔗 Caller It goes deeper than that.

55:17🔗 Adam I know.

55:18🔗 Drew We are no doubt.

55:18🔗 Adam I know.

55:19🔗 Drew We have no doubt.

55:20🔗 Adam We believe, believe me, Drew and I both have very vivid imaginations.

55:25🔗 Drew It's even not vivid imaginations. We have been through a lot ourselves on this show.

55:30🔗 Adam Yeah.

55:30🔗 Drew And we know the code. When you say, sleeping next to my husband with another guy, say no more.

55:36🔗 Adam A bunk bed is enough code for me.

55:38🔗 Caller Yeah.

55:40🔗 Adam Just having your cousins come sleepovers, that's hillbilly enough.

55:44🔗 Ursula Auburn So what should he do?

55:45🔗 Adam He told his mom, stay out of the way. The person's chaotic. God knows what the new husband is capable of. And believe me, when you're screwing around with your husband sleeping next to you, your ass is going to be caught. Tina.

56:01🔗 Ursula Auburn Hi.

56:01🔗 Adam You're 24.

56:02🔗 Ursula Auburn I'm 24.

56:03🔗 Adam What's going on?

56:04🔗 Ursula Auburn How are you guys doing? I really want to talk to you about my childhood and growing up and if I know it's not normal, I just want to know if I'm dealing with it correctly.

56:19🔗 Drew Whatever it is, just by the way you posed the question, I suspect not. You know what I'm saying?

56:24🔗 Adam Yeah, we're going with no.

56:26🔗 Ursula Auburn There's a lot that happened.

56:28🔗 Caller What happened?

56:29🔗 Ursula Auburn When I was four, my father murdered my mom.

56:32🔗 Drew Oh my God. Did you see her then?

56:33🔗 Ursula Auburn I shot her eight times, but she survived in the hospital, but the doctor gave up on her. And then, this was so scary.

56:41🔗 Adam They buried her and she crawled out from the crematorium.

56:43🔗 Drew What happened?

56:44🔗 Ursula Auburn No, my dad shot her. He got underneath the car. She started running away into a building to get help. He shot her again. She went to the ambulance. I mean, went to the hospital and everything. The doctors came and they supposedly did all they could, but the doctor ended up committing suicide a week later. Scared of male practice suits, he left a suicide note. My dad ended up killing himself behind the grandparent's house in a swamp. He was a green beret, special forces. They couldn't even find him. He hid himself so well out in the woods. And so that happened.

57:25🔗 Adam So did mom die then?

57:28🔗 Ursula Auburn Mom died.

57:29🔗 Adam But the doctors didn't resuscitate her or screw her up.

57:33🔗 Ursula Auburn She was still breathing. And he just gave up on her.

57:39🔗 Adam There's something up. Here's when you worry about malpractice. When Ursula comes in for a boob job and she dies under anesthetic. Right. Some chick takes eight slugs.

57:51🔗 Drew It doesn't make it.

57:54🔗 Ursula Auburn Brother was there. He was 18. He witnessed everything. Well then, I grew up, my grandparents, her parents, my mom's parents raised me when I was a child and my brother. And basically lied to us about everything that happened. And that whole entire situation. We grew up going, you know, what the hell is going on here? And when I was 14 years old, her brother, my uncle, her brother, tried raping me.

58:26🔗 Adam Her brother tried to rape you?

58:28🔗 Ursula Auburn Right, my uncle.

58:28🔗 Drew That's the one that saw everything?

58:30🔗 Ursula Auburn Right. And he got on top of me and was like, he's like 250 pounds. I was like 100 pounds. No way.

58:39🔗 Drew What's going on now?

58:40🔗 Ursula Auburn Okay, so that happened. And my grandmother did not do anything. I told her, she did not do anything.

58:49🔗 Adam Who's whose side of the family is this?

58:51🔗 Drew My mom.

58:51🔗 Ursula Auburn My mom's side.

58:53🔗 Adam Surprise.

58:53🔗 Ursula Auburn I mean, my dad's side is kooky, but I don't know even who's kookier than what.

58:59🔗 Adam Everyone's kooky.

59:00🔗 Drew Yeah, what's going on now? What's up now?

59:02🔗 Ursula Auburn Okay.

59:02🔗 Drew Now, today.

59:04🔗 Ursula Auburn That, this is what I'm dealing with. So that happened.

59:07🔗 Drew No, we got the, but you don't have to tell us more about the history. There's plenty there.

59:10🔗 Ursula Auburn No, there's more, like really bad stuff. This is what I do.

59:13🔗 Adam Well, I was going to stop you, but I just want to keep, I can't help it. This is like a bad novel. Go ahead.

59:19🔗 Ursula Auburn Right. My uncle murdered his wife. He's in prison now and he's going to be at parole. I don't want him getting out. Just recently, five years ago, my boyfriend, my childhood best friend, my boyfriend for five years saved his two friends in a car accident, and he ended up exploding because the car was defaulted. The car was screwed up. And I went to the scene the next day and I was covered head to toe and blood and ashes. I was picking up the remains of his skin from the accident. And I was trying to keep...

59:55🔗 Adam Hold on a second there, Gina. First off, Ursula, what do you got to complain about living in this poor girl's life? And secondly, she went to the accident the following day. She was covered head to toe with blood and skin that she was trying to pick up off the accident.

1:00:18🔗 Drew Given her history, I wouldn't try to make too much of details.

1:00:21🔗 Caller Oh, okay.

1:00:23🔗 Adam Because you don't go to accidents the following day and like covered blood, do you?

1:00:29🔗 Drew Blood is not wet the next day.

1:00:32🔗 Ursula Auburn Oh, you're questioning her.

1:00:33🔗 Adam No, it dries pretty.

1:00:34🔗 Drew It's just a very good use.

1:00:35🔗 Adam Not everything, just some of it. She got the...

1:00:39🔗 Caller All right.

1:00:40🔗 Adam We'll hear a little more. Tina? Okay. So you went to the accident the next day.

1:00:46🔗 Ursula Auburn Total shock.

1:00:47🔗 Adam And you're covered with blood.

1:00:48🔗 Ursula Auburn I was covered...

1:00:50🔗 Adam Head to toe.

1:00:51🔗 Ursula Auburn Blood, ashes, picking up my boyfriend's flesh.

1:00:54🔗 Adam He was pulling his flesh off of stuff.

1:00:57🔗 Ursula Auburn No, I was picking it off the ground. He exploded in the gas tank.

1:01:00🔗 Adam He blew up in the gas tank.

1:01:02🔗 Caller Right.

1:01:03🔗 Adam Don't they have, don't they have like firemen and stuff come to sort of mop up?

1:01:07🔗 Ursula Auburn They didn't clean the accident up.

1:01:08🔗 Adam Oh, they didn't?

1:01:10🔗 Ursula Auburn It's against Ford Motor Company and his mom is suing so many people.

1:01:16🔗 Caller Alright, alright.

1:01:18🔗 Drew We are now completely overwhelmed.

1:01:20🔗 Ursula Auburn What's happening today? It really bothers me is that I don't know if I deal with it right.

1:01:27🔗 Drew How can you?

1:01:29🔗 Adam Deal with what?

1:01:30🔗 Ursula Auburn Because I've dealt with it and everything.

1:01:34🔗 Drew I can't deal with it just hearing the stories.

1:01:37🔗 Adam Do you have any kids? Oh, no. Alright, alright. Now we're talking, baby.

1:01:43🔗 Ursula Auburn No, I want to finish school and make a living out of my life.

1:01:47🔗 Adam Good. You go to junior college?

1:01:49🔗 Ursula Auburn Oh, yeah. But the thing is, with college, is that I'm in the class. And the only thing I can do is think of certain things. But the biggest thing that bothers me the most is that when I was four years old, my grandfather, I don't know if it was molestation or if it was rape from the time up until I was twelve years old.

1:02:06🔗 Adam Alright, who, at this point, it is a can of Sterno that is colliding with the sun. It's like, hey, do you think that makes it hotter? I don't know. It's just, no. I don't think it makes a difference.

1:02:18🔗 Ursula Auburn I just, I don't know what the difference is.

1:02:21🔗 Adam Listen, Tina, Tina, you've had more tragedies. The Holocaust was not as bad as your life.

1:02:29🔗 Ursula Auburn I think I'm the Antichrist some days.

1:02:31🔗 Adam Alright, listen.

1:02:32🔗 Drew Wait, wait, wait, wait, Tina.

1:02:33🔗 Adam Don't buy any guns.

1:02:34🔗 Drew This is important. Do you have periods where you disassociate and you sort of find yourself in places you don't know how you got there, or you buy clothes, you don't remember buying them, that kind of thing?

1:02:43🔗 Ursula Auburn But I can't hear you. What?

1:02:44🔗 Drew Do you have things where you disassociate, where you sort of find yourself in places you don't know how you got there?

1:02:50🔗 Ursula Auburn I do. I have a big problem with, my grandfather was a diabetic and I was putting...

1:02:58🔗 Adam Oh, that's tragic.

1:02:59🔗 Drew And what?

1:03:00🔗 Ursula Auburn My grandfather was a diabetic.

1:03:01🔗 Drew Yes, yes.

1:03:02🔗 Ursula Auburn The smell when you have sugar, it bothers me if I smell that smell on somebody.

1:03:08🔗 Drew Yes, and what happens?

1:03:09🔗 Ursula Auburn It triggers and it just happened like in the last year.

1:03:13🔗 Drew And what happened?

1:03:14🔗 Ursula Auburn I get all nervous.

1:03:15🔗 Drew But you don't, you don't, Drew, Drew, hold on.

1:03:18🔗 Adam You're not going to make any sense of this, Tina.

1:03:20🔗 Drew But this is a recipe for a multiple personality disorder, or dissociative disorder.

1:03:25🔗 Adam Oh yeah. Do you have a couple of personalities, Tina?

1:03:27🔗 Oh no, not at all.

1:03:29🔗 Adam Just one?

1:03:30🔗 Ursula Auburn Just Tina.

1:03:31🔗 Adam Just Tina?

1:03:32🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah, that's it.

1:03:32🔗 Adam Oh.

1:03:33🔗 Ursula Auburn I just...

1:03:34🔗 Adam Okay, well hold on a second.

1:03:35🔗 Ursula Auburn Tina... .with hiding it so much.

1:03:37🔗 Adam Tina, you going, are you getting some therapy or something?

1:03:39🔗 Ursula Auburn I can't stand therapy.

1:03:41🔗 Adam Yeah. Well, it's really for people who need it.

1:03:45🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, no, I...

1:03:45🔗 Ursula Auburn It's not for everybody.

1:03:46🔗 Ursula Auburn I do know it. I do think I do know it.

1:03:49🔗 Ursula Auburn And I think...

1:03:50🔗 Adam Listen, my dog died of some sort of liver disorder last week. I'm already another year worth of therapy to take care of that.

1:03:57🔗 Ursula Auburn A therapist sets you down after you spend hundreds of dollars and they say, Oh, you know how you should feel? You just want to tell them, go F off.

1:04:03🔗 Ursula Auburn Write a script, send it to Hollywood.

1:04:05🔗 Ursula Auburn Because you will never know how it feels because you're not the blood...

1:04:08🔗 Adam All right. Listen, Tina, Tina. You need therapy.

1:04:16🔗 Ursula Auburn I do.

1:04:17🔗 Adam All right. So don't... Try not to resent the therapist so much because it is someone you need. You know what I'm saying?

1:04:25🔗 Drew Are you on medication right now?

1:04:27🔗 Ursula Auburn Oh, no. Not at all.

1:04:28🔗 Adam All right.

1:04:30🔗 Drew It's amazing that you put one foot in front of the other. God bless you for doing that. Keep it together. Keep it contained.

1:04:36🔗 Ursula Auburn It took a bit of this Christmas for me to talk to one of my family members about it. My mom's cousin.

1:04:42🔗 Adam Listen, Tina. Listen. Don't have kids.

1:04:45🔗 Drew Yes.

1:04:46🔗 Adam Don't buy any weapons.

1:04:47🔗 Drew Right.

1:04:48🔗 Adam And seek therapy.

1:04:51🔗 Drew But therapy will be mostly about containment. She's managing. She's containing. It's not going to be inside. She's not a candidate for Gestalt therapy.

1:04:59🔗 Adam No. No. It's not. She's not going to get on any. She's not. It's not talking about fine tuning. It's containing. It's just getting it, pulling that cord and get that more running.

1:05:09🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:05:10🔗 Adam Oh boy.

1:05:11🔗 Drew Yeah. And trying to get her to feel better. I'm trying to because what I mean. Well, how much pain and suffering can I? To me, it's a testimony of the human spirit, that humans can go forward with it.

1:05:21🔗 Adam But Drew, what about the, you know, peeling the skin off the road and stuff? I mean, is that...

1:05:27🔗 Drew I don't know.

1:05:28🔗 Adam And now, how much do you believe?

1:05:30🔗 Drew But she's allowed some distorted perceptions based on all that stuff, so who knows.

1:05:34🔗 Adam Right. What you're saying is, Ursula, what Drew is saying is, she's been through so much trauma that she's allowed to exaggerate a little bit because God knows what kind of prescription glasses she's looking through now, seeing as how, what went on with her when she was younger. Right, Drew? Right.

1:05:55🔗 Caller All right.

1:05:57🔗 Adam Hey, you want to kill yourself with me after the show, Ursula?

1:06:00🔗 Ursula Auburn I would love to.

1:06:00🔗 Adam Can we do that? Why don't we do that?

1:06:02🔗 Ursula Auburn Okay.

1:06:02🔗 Adam We'll go back to your place. You got a place, right?

1:06:05🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes.

1:06:05🔗 Adam Okay. We'll have a little sex, and then we'll kill ourselves.

1:06:09🔗 Ursula Auburn Okay.

1:06:09🔗 Adam What do you say?

1:06:10🔗 Ursula Auburn Okay, great.

1:06:11🔗 Caller All right.

1:06:11🔗 Adam That's fantastic.

1:06:13🔗 Caller You better be good.

1:06:14🔗 Ursula Auburn Oh, you too. You too.

1:06:18🔗 Adam Oh, now you're screwed. Killing yourself and this? Oh, I can see you're targeting St. Peter. And not only did I kill myself, but I was banging that Adam Carolla.

1:06:29🔗 Caller Oh, what a disaster.

1:06:31🔗 Ursula Auburn I had a boyfriend die of autoerotic asphyxiation.

1:06:33🔗 Adam All right. This is good. Hold on. All right. We're going to break. He wasn't a green beret, was he?

1:06:37🔗 Ursula Auburn No.

1:06:38🔗 Adam No. We're going to go to break, and we're going to find out how Ursula Auburn's boyfriend died of autoerotic asphyxiation.

1:06:49🔗 Caller Deliver the good to the dirty good.

1:06:57🔗 Adam I love that song. Too bad we don't hear the rest of that song. I really love that song. It says God damn in that song. I always love that.

1:07:09🔗 It's my favorite phrase.

1:07:11🔗 Adam Ursula Auburn is here. She... hold on a second, Ursula. I don't know. Tonight's a mess. Not that it's not interesting to listen to, but I was telling a story about being disoriented when I showed up here. I had my compass spinning around. It's a little bit of a devil's triangle thing going on. We had that last call.

1:07:36🔗 Drew The general mutilation call.

1:07:37🔗 Adam The general mutilation call. Tina called. Listen, if one-fifth of what Tina said was true, it's nuts. Ursula over here has been to hell and back herself. Although it still looks pretty good. I tell you, none the worse for wear. Drew is just complaining during the break about all these folks that he's having to admit to the hospital all of a sudden. All his patients are going nuts. There's going to be a big earthquake or something.

1:08:05🔗 Caller Maybe right.

1:08:05🔗 Adam There's something going on. It feels like it. There's some serious energy blowing around.

1:08:09🔗 Caller I need to light a candle.

1:08:10🔗 Ursula Auburn I need to light a candle.

1:08:11🔗 Drew I can't. I was going to Kingston.

1:08:13🔗 Caller I farted.

1:08:14🔗 Adam Is that what you're talking about?

1:08:16🔗 Ursula Auburn No.

1:08:17🔗 Adam I don't know.

1:08:18🔗 Drew All right.

1:08:18🔗 Adam So Ursula has herself this thing where she dated or had a little hanky-panky at least with Jack.

1:08:29🔗 Ursula Auburn No, I never actually... Jack, go ahead.

1:08:30🔗 Adam You never had sex with Jack?

1:08:31🔗 Ursula Auburn Oh, yes. I thought you were talking about Melissa. Yeah, Jack, yes. I thought we were going to talk about Kevin.

1:08:36🔗 Drew The autorotic asphyxiation.

1:08:38🔗 Adam Oh, Nicholas had sex with Jack Nicholson, Nicholas Cage, Mikhail Baryshnikov and Ian Zuring and a few other notables. And then they left messages on her answering machine and she then sold those messages to IEG, the champions of the First Amendment. God bless those people. Boy, can you imagine, where were those people during the Revolution?

1:09:07🔗 Ursula Auburn Those are the kind of people that... The owner is only 24 years old.

1:09:11🔗 Adam Imagine that. What an amazing individual that is. Tremendous. Tremendous. Nothing better than those kind of vermin. That's my favorite kind of vermin, the entrepreneurial. The vermin with the entrepreneurial spirit. All right. So anyway, what else do they do? They do Pamela Anderson's video.

1:09:32🔗 Ursula Auburn Right. Right. They're trying to put out the Brett Michaels one.

1:09:35🔗 Adam Right.

1:09:36🔗 Ursula Auburn Which I've seen, by the way.

1:09:37🔗 Adam In the name of free speech. What else?

1:09:41🔗 Ursula Auburn I think they just did Vince Neal's, but Vince Neal sold it to them. And then they have just, it's at an adult site, you know, it's just typical stuff. There you go.

1:09:52🔗 Adam All right. They're not putting a bit on the elephant man's bones or anything like that?

1:09:56🔗 Ursula Auburn I don't know. No. I don't think so.

1:09:57🔗 Adam All right. So Ursula, you said you had an old boyfriend who committed autoerotic asphyxiation and then ended up dying because of that.

1:10:09🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes. Yes.

1:10:10🔗 Adam What happened there?

1:10:13🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, I guess it was something that his best friend actually found him and didn't know that this is something that Kevin used to do, but I didn't know how he died a lot. For a long time, people told me that there was an accident in the house, and I had to actually call the coroner and find out that's how I found out. I couldn't get the details.

1:10:34🔗 Adam How did he put that call into the coroner, by the way, and what?

1:10:37🔗 Ursula Auburn The coroner was just a lot, I mean, they weren't really very professional about it.

1:10:41🔗 Adam Let me explain about the coroner. You know the tragedy of death? They see 30 stiffs a day, right? But, Drew, quick joke for you. Who was the last man to have sex with Marilyn Monroe? Who? Thomas Noguchi. See, that's funny because Drew knows who Thomas Noguchi is. Isn't that funny, Drew?

1:11:03🔗 Ursula Auburn He's not laughing, though. Come on, Drew, laugh.

1:11:05🔗 Caller You know what Thomas Noguchi is?

1:11:07🔗 Ursula Auburn No, I don't.

1:11:07🔗 Adam He was the LA. County Coroner for many, many, many years. It's a funny joke.

1:11:16🔗 Caller Isn't that funny, Drew?

1:11:18🔗 Adam You know that's funny. It's no good anymore because all they know, none of these idiots know what Thomas Noguchi is.

1:11:23🔗 Drew I'm worrying about the Big Road Quake right now.

1:11:25🔗 Adam Oh, okay.

1:11:27🔗 Ursula Auburn Kevin was so beautiful.

1:11:28🔗 Adam He was a wonderful guy.

1:11:29🔗 Ursula Auburn A 28-year-old really beautiful, beautiful person.

1:11:32🔗 Adam How is it that you call, how do you put a call into the coroner and say, how did this guy die who's not my relative and I'm not married to him? And they tell you and you're broken up. How do they, how does, how is it that the coroner says, oh, who are you? Oh, his ex-girlfriend, he died of autohyronic fixation.

1:11:50🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah, they were laughing at me. They're going, snickering, oh, the girlfriend, because I, you know, the way he died was...

1:11:56🔗 Adam Why would they tell you?

1:11:57🔗 Caller How would they tell her?

1:11:58🔗 Adam I don't know.

1:11:59🔗 Ursula Auburn No, you can get, yes, you can legally get autopsy records from the coroner. Yes.

1:12:05🔗 Adam Just anybody.

1:12:07🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes, just anybody.

1:12:08🔗 Adam Well, thanks to folks like IEG who, you know, this is part of it.

1:12:11🔗 Ursula Auburn You can't get pictures, but you can definitely. And I didn't know for a long time how, you know, how he died. It was freaking me out. And I'm glad I know.

1:12:23🔗 Adam You're glad you know?

1:12:24🔗 Ursula Auburn I'm glad, yeah.

1:12:25🔗 Caller How did you, how long?

1:12:26🔗 Ursula Auburn He assumed he slipped in the tub, but now you have the peace of mind of knowing he had a sack on his head?

1:12:31🔗 Ursula Auburn There was a lot of controversy going on, and I didn't like what I was hearing. I wanted to know the truth. But you know, a lot of boys die of this.

1:12:39🔗 Adam It does happen.

1:12:40🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes, a lot of teenage boys, and they always die to something else.

1:12:44🔗 Adam Well, listen.

1:12:44🔗 Ursula Auburn It's very unfortunate. It's very popular.

1:12:46🔗 Adam I'm making a, you know, a bond with all my buddies, that if they find me with like a hefty bag around my head and wear a pair of women's panties on.

1:12:56🔗 Ursula Auburn They usually hang themselves.

1:12:57🔗 Adam Take the sack off the head, pull a pair of boxers on over the thing, hide the porn.

1:13:03🔗 Drew Did you try to tell us something?

1:13:05🔗 Adam Put the, take the TV, take it off channel 3, put it on C-span and then wipe down everything and just back out of the house. Let me, let them find me there with some dignity.

1:13:16🔗 Ursula Auburn Well, that's what was, that's what was done for, yeah.

1:13:19🔗 Adam Well, until you went and blew the lid off the whole thing.

1:13:21🔗 Ursula Auburn No, it's known, it's known. It's something that people know about, yeah.

1:13:24🔗 Adam Oh, okay.

1:13:25🔗 Ursula Auburn It's not, it's not a big secret.

1:13:27🔗 Adam Oh, yeah. Ursula, Ursula, if we ever dated and then broke up, I'd have you killed immediately. I just put it, I'd say, look, I, I, listen, I'm a nice guy.

1:13:42🔗 Caller I don't, but I got to put a hit on her.

1:13:46🔗 Adam I get to see, I hear you on like a TV show. Adam cried while he masturbated, but I loved him like a son.

1:13:53🔗 Caller Jay?

1:13:54🔗 Yes.

1:13:55🔗 Adam You're 29.

1:13:56🔗 Caller Yes, I am.

1:13:57🔗 Adam What's going on with you?

1:13:58🔗 Caller Oh, with me? Not much. My girlfriend. When we're together, it's really hard for her to have an orgasm. And I don't feel like it's me. My last girlfriend, she was like a waterfall. In fact, this, this girlfriend, she doesn't have a problem getting lubricated. But the only way that she can have an orgasm is like missionary position, and I got to be high up on her grinding, you know. And I guess I want to know, is there any ways that I could make her more sensitive in that area? I mean, I know part of it...

1:14:37🔗 Adam How about some genital mutilation, Drew? Would that help?

1:14:41🔗 Caller We don't want to tear anything up. Right. But, you know, I've tried thinking that it may be she's just uptight.

1:14:51🔗 Adam Wait a minute, she's having an orgasm while you're throwing her, right?

1:14:57🔗 Caller You're talking at the same time, Drew.

1:15:00🔗 Adam She is having an orgasm while you're having intercourse.

1:15:04🔗 Caller Right.

1:15:05🔗 Adam You're way ahead of the game. Am I right, Ursula?

1:15:07🔗 Ursula Auburn Oh, my God. You're a lucky man.

1:15:10🔗 Adam Man, you have to go down to Ursula's root cellar and look for that jar of preserves for hours before she has that orgasm. Am I right, Ursula?

1:15:23🔗 Ursula Auburn Jack was the only person that was really able to do it. You mean orally? No, I can't have it orally.

1:15:29🔗 Adam You can't have it orally?

1:15:30🔗 Ursula Auburn No, I'm not really. I mean, I can't. I just, you know, I prefer it that way. I like having it the real way.

1:15:36🔗 Adam You do? How do you orgasm more quickly, during intercourse or during oral sex?

1:15:42🔗 Ursula Auburn During intercourse.

1:15:43🔗 Adam Oh, intercourse. What the hell was she agreeing with me a second ago?

1:15:49🔗 Caller Yeah, yeah, it's like I...

1:15:50🔗 Adam Hold on a second.

1:15:51🔗 What's going on?

1:15:53🔗 Adam Wasn't I just sort of explaining that, hey, you're pretty lucky that you can have it that way? And Ursula was back here going, yes, you are. Yeah, I'm telling you, you are like as if she...

1:16:02🔗 Drew That I was fortunate.

1:16:03🔗 Adam My read was, yes, Ursula was sort of saying that many women can't have it this way.

1:16:08🔗 Ursula Auburn No, a lot of them can only have it orally.

1:16:09🔗 Drew Right. Very common.

1:16:10🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes, a lot of women can only have it orally.

1:16:11🔗 Adam Okay, now there's confusion on top of confusion, which is a beautiful thing. Drew, are we the two sanest people on the planet, do you think?

1:16:21🔗 Drew My head is sort of spinning.

1:16:22🔗 Adam Mine is too. But how come you and I always know what you and I are talking about? Is that because you and I spend a lot of time together?

1:16:27🔗 Drew It might have something to do with that.

1:16:30🔗 Caller Jay? Yeah.

1:16:31🔗 Adam She's having an orgasm.

1:16:33🔗 Caller Well, this is the thing. See, it's not every time. It's like if she doesn't, then it's a lot of frustration for both me and her. I mean, I've tried using my hands. I will go down on her for an hour and that won't work.

1:16:53🔗 Adam It always sounds like an infomercial to me. You've tried the powders, even the spice. You've rubbed and scrubbed till your hands were wrong. Well, use a vibrator. Can you use a vibrator?

1:17:06🔗 Caller I've tried to talk her into that.

1:17:08🔗 Caller All right.

1:17:08🔗 Adam Well, there it is.

1:17:09🔗 Caller You know, I think part of it is, you know...

1:17:11🔗 Caller All right.

1:17:12🔗 Adam Wait a minute, Jay. I'm going to share a tip with you that I never used personally, but I know it would work if I wanted to use it. Stop working so hard. Stop trying to give her. I use... You can hear it in Jay's voice. It's frustrating. I use my hands. I've been down there for an hour. I've done everything. Don't make it such a goal.

1:17:34🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:17:34🔗 Adam Just get involved with the experience. The person, right. Get involved with the experience. I told you I don't do it myself.

1:17:40🔗 Drew Now I'm really spinning tonight. I'm totally confused.

1:17:44🔗 Adam But am I right about this, Ursula? Lose yourself in the moment. Don't go in there with some kind of mission, like you're a green beret. You got to go in. You got to shoot Charlie. You got to get your POWs out. You got to get them back to base camp. Just relax and go with the experience.

1:18:01🔗 Ursula Auburn Not a good time.

1:18:02🔗 Adam Become one.

1:18:05🔗 Caller Right?

1:18:06🔗 Adam Sim Humpy Go, we call it. You think as one. Am I right, Drew? All right. I want to talk to this Alex guy because it sounds like Forrest Gump.

1:18:18🔗 Drew That's right.

1:18:19🔗 Adam Hey, Alex?

1:18:20🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:18:21🔗 Adam Hey.

1:18:22🔗 Caller I had so much time. I got notes.

1:18:25🔗 Adam What's going on there?

1:18:26🔗 Caller Well, I guess it will help if I just spell it out. The subject is, I guess, female orgasms and the fluid that emits out of them. It's something that's got me a little bit concerned because although I've been with a lot of girls in my life, there's been three instances where it seems as though they have like an extra amount of fluid or wetness.

1:18:55🔗 Drew We're back to the commercial thing.

1:18:56🔗 Caller Yeah, we really are. I'm just concerned about, is it normal?

1:19:01🔗 Adam Hey, Alex, do you have a twin who's concerned about vaginal fluid as well?

1:19:07🔗 Caller No.

1:19:07🔗 Adam No, okay. It wouldn't make a good commercial. You really need another twin who's concerned about vaginal fluid.

1:19:15🔗 Drew Alex, it's normal. Alex, normal. It's normal.

1:19:18🔗 Ursula Auburn Don't worry about it. You're lucky.

1:19:21🔗 Adam Yeah. Is that good, Ursula? Well, I mean, you've been with a woman, haven't you, Ursula? Really?

1:19:26🔗 Caller Is there a big difference between the women or is it obviously the same?

1:19:29🔗 Adam I know, but didn't Charlie want you to be with a woman? No.

1:19:32🔗 Drew There's a lot of difference amongst women, but some people believe that most women can achieve something like that under the right conditions.

1:19:40🔗 Adam Yeah. Some women are like Minnesota and others are like Nevada. You know what I mean?

1:19:50🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:19:50🔗 Adam You got 10,000 lakes and you got the dry, arid wasteland.

1:19:58🔗 Drew No, no, no.

1:19:59🔗 Caller Huh? Oh, we go to break?

1:20:00🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:20:01🔗 Caller All right.

1:20:02🔗 Adam Listen, I'm going to get my compass straightened out here.

1:20:04🔗 Drew Is that true? My just spinning.

1:20:07🔗 Ursula Auburn Can I help?

1:20:08🔗 Caller Yeah.

1:20:09🔗 Caller You can.

1:20:11🔗 Adam You're the third corner of our devil's triangle. All right. Stay tuned for Hijinks.

1:20:22🔗 Caller Hi, this is Dan, Dustin, and Steve from the Cherry Poppin Daddies, and you're listening to Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

1:20:31🔗 Adam Woo. Yes, you is. Ursula Auburn is here. She, boy, I'm like a big brother now. How about that? Yeah.

1:20:41🔗 Ursula Auburn Will you help me move?

1:20:43🔗 Adam Where are you moving?

1:20:44🔗 Ursula Auburn I don't know. I just think I'm going to have some stuff out of storage.

1:20:47🔗 Adam Ursula, you got to write a book, sister. Thank you. Ursula has had sex with Jack Nicholson, and Nicholas Cage, and Mikhail Marishnikov, and Ian Zuring, and just to name a few, and a few others I haven't heard of. But anyway, maybe they're just civilians as they say in the industry. Anyway, they've left their name on, or some outgoing message or some incoming message on their answering machine, and then she's then sold that to IEG, the Champions of Freedom and Free Rights, and Freedom of Speech, and I should say Human Rights and Freedom of Speech, and now they're, but there's no money in it for them, is it? They're just doing it for the freedom of speech?

1:21:34🔗 Drew Right?

1:21:35🔗 Ursula Auburn I'm sure there's money.

1:21:36🔗 Adam Oh, really? Well, I guess they need money to put it into the fund.

1:21:39🔗 Drew The legal fund, the defense fund.

1:21:41🔗 Adam That's right. All good organizations need a legal defense fund. Alright, so what is that number? Again, why don't you give that number out again?

1:21:49🔗 Ursula Auburn It's at clublove.com, and that's of course on the Internet. I need a little computer for that. I need to be 18.

1:21:57🔗 Adam Oh, you do?

1:21:57🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes. And it's free for the first week. And there you go, at clublove.com.

1:22:03🔗 Adam And you're naked, too, right?

1:22:04🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes, yes.

1:22:05🔗 Adam You took the pictures for the Internet?

1:22:07🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes.

1:22:08🔗 Adam Oh, okay.

1:22:08🔗 Ursula Auburn First time I ever had a photo shoot, first time I ever even had a... I was nude. Really?

1:22:13🔗 Adam First time you were naked?

1:22:15🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah. First photo shoot, first nude photo shoot. Was it interesting? Yeah.

1:22:18🔗 Adam Just sponge baths as before then, no actual nudity. First time you were nude in front of the camera, right?

1:22:25🔗 Ursula Auburn In front of the camera.

1:22:26🔗 Adam I... Yeah, it seems a shame. Could you stand up real quick?

1:22:31🔗 Caller Real brass?

1:22:32🔗 Adam Real brass?

1:22:33🔗 Caller Wow. Hey, look at that.

1:22:35🔗 Adam That's nice.

1:22:36🔗 Caller All right.

1:22:37🔗 Adam Show Mike.

1:22:38🔗 Caller Great.

1:22:39🔗 Adam Mike, you take a mental snapshot of that for later?

1:22:42🔗 Caller Oh, you got all the pictures? Good. All right.

1:22:44🔗 Adam Mike is gonna put the pictures to good work.

1:22:46🔗 Ursula Auburn I'm not wearing any underwears under here.

1:22:47🔗 Adam Oh, you're not wearing any underwear? No, you're naughty, aren't you?

1:22:50🔗 Caller How did you pick these guys up?

1:22:54🔗 Adam Seriously, where did you meet Jack?

1:22:56🔗 Ursula Auburn Jack? I met them as mutual friends. I went to a party at his house and, you know, just sat...

1:23:02🔗 Adam What kind of mutual friend?

1:23:04🔗 Ursula Auburn An old girlfriend of his, actually. An old girlfriend of his. Actually, I wonder because, you know, I was actually dating Baryshnikov at the time and I think that he had heard about me possibly from dating Baryshnikov. No, just he wanted, you know, Misha's new girlfriend. I think he wanted to sort of snag, you know, Misha's girlfriend.

1:23:23🔗 Adam Really?

1:23:24🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah.

1:23:24🔗 Adam Like a little competition?

1:23:25🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah. Yeah.

1:23:26🔗 Adam Yeah, I met with Drew's wife.

1:23:28🔗 Ursula Auburn Yeah. Really? Bad boy. You bad boy.

1:23:30🔗 Adam Very naughty that way. All right. So did you have sex with him that night?

1:23:35🔗 Ursula Auburn No. No.

1:23:35🔗 Adam No.

1:23:36🔗 Ursula Auburn No. I mean, I... No, I waited. Yeah. He's very persistent.

1:23:41🔗 Adam You waited until he called you up the next day and told you to come over and have sex?

1:23:44🔗 Ursula Auburn No, he called constantly and, you know, it was fun. He said I...

1:23:48🔗 Adam Yeah. What the hell? Go to some Laker games with him?

1:23:51🔗 Ursula Auburn No.

1:23:52🔗 Adam No. He didn't take you out? Just sex you down?

1:23:54🔗 Ursula Auburn He just sexed me down. That's all I wanted from him.

1:23:57🔗 Adam How the hell could you focus? How could you concentrate?

1:24:00🔗 Ursula Auburn What do you mean?

1:24:01🔗 Adam I mean, you got Jack Nicholson on top of you. I always want to say Jack Nicholas. You didn't have sex with Jack Nicholas, the pro golfer. Oh, okay. I'm a fuzzy seller. No. Okay. So you got this guy on top of you, and he's having sex, but here's a guy you grew up watching. You know what I mean? I mean, hey, Anne, if Jack Nicholson was on top of you, wouldn't you just be just freaking the whole time? I mean, how could you focus?

1:24:30🔗 Ursula Auburn I couldn't.

1:24:31🔗 Caller He's too weird. Oh my God, it's Jack.

1:24:33🔗 Ursula Auburn You want me to call people? Do you mind if I use my phone? He's great with that. Yeah, he'll let you. In fact, he'll call you at your friend's houses and leave messages. You know, he's he's a lot of fun. Jack is like, can we call my mom right now? Yeah, Jack is an enormous amount of fun.

1:24:47🔗 Adam Hold on. Hear me out. I'm getting humped. Hear me out. Hear me out. I'm not done. It's Jack.

1:25:05🔗 Oh, that's Jack.

1:25:07🔗 Ursula Auburn He has a little, maybe, eneverated or something.

1:25:10🔗 Adam Now, let me explain. No, and here's how you know there's a difference between men and women sexually. There could be no male equivalent to you. You know what I'm saying? Now, Ursula is an attractive blonde-haired woman. She's, I would give her very attractive. Not supermodel, just an attractive blonde woman with a nice set of legs. And don't take that in a bad way. You're very attractive. Claudia Schiffer is probably a little better looking than you are, but you're very attractive. And we know guys who are attractive, but we don't know any guy who went over and banged Michelle Pfeiffer and then banged Cher. And then, well, I don't even know what banged Cher. And then slid over and banged Heather Locklear. I mean, no civilian guy. No guy who's, I don't mean some schlub, but you know, some guys, you know, some guy like Engineer Mike.

1:26:15🔗 Caller Oh, please.

1:26:17🔗 Ursula Auburn And got enough balls to talk about it too.

1:26:21🔗 Adam Engineer Mike didn't even get to bang the homeless. But there's no equivalent to this. And why? It wouldn't work. You know what I mean? You can't just go to some party over at Michelle. Imagine, I'm going to some party at Michelle Fire's and I have a banger. Yeah, I just worked in construction. Buddy of mine invited me over there. And we had a couple of drinks round by the jacuzzi.

1:26:41🔗 Caller And I worked it right there.

1:26:42🔗 Adam Yeah, she let me do it. And then she called me 4 a.m. drunk the next morning. I went to make a lower and humber some more. No possible way. I mean, between Jack and Nicolas Cage, I mean, that's really the equivalent to, I don't know, Michelle Pfeiffer and Lonnie Anderson, Terry Garner.

1:27:08🔗 Caller All right.

1:27:10🔗 Adam Vincent, you're 33.

1:27:12🔗 Caller Good evening, Adam.

1:27:13🔗 Adam Hey, what's going on there?

1:27:15🔗 Caller Oh, it's going good. Hi, Ursula.

1:27:17🔗 Caller Hi.

1:27:19🔗 Caller My son, you know, the ladies have been calling this evening, had, you know, clitorectomies, and it seems like they've been taking a beating. The penis being hurt a little bit. My son was diagnosed with a narrow urethra, and the urologist wants to operate. He wants to stick up a microscope up in him and take a look around inside of him. He said, we have two other options, and that would be one, he'll grow out of it, and the other option would be, if we don't operate, he can just learn to live with it.

1:27:56🔗 Drew What are his symptoms?

1:27:57🔗 Caller Well his symptoms are, is that when he goes to the bathroom, Oh, is the ice cream man there? No, that's my grandfather clock. You know, I got my radio turned off, I got my TV turned off, I know all the rules. God bless you. Sherry called, and she told me nothing on.

1:28:13🔗 Drew What are the symptoms?

1:28:14🔗 Caller So anyways, the symptoms are, when he goes to the bathroom, he says that it itches, and the difference is, a burn to him is like when he stuck his elbow next to the waffle iron, and so he says that the tip of his peepee itches.

1:28:30🔗 Drew How old is he?

1:28:31🔗 Caller He is ten years old. Okay, and so the urologist was... This has only started since last summer, and so this is one of my questions, Dr. Drew. Wouldn't this have already been discovered?

1:28:46🔗 Drew You would think so.

1:28:48🔗 Caller Okay, this doctor was quick, and he didn't answer our questions.

1:28:52🔗 Drew I mean, burning at the tip, way at the tip, all the way at the tip?

1:28:56🔗 Caller Right at the tip.

1:28:58🔗 Drew Yeah, that is...

1:28:59🔗 Adam Maybe he got the penis caught in the waffle iron.

1:29:01🔗 Drew Does he have any other symptoms at all?

1:29:04🔗 Caller Well he says that it hurts in the groin, and I don't think that his testicles have moved down. You know, I think they are still up.

1:29:13🔗 Drew Is that what the urologist said?

1:29:15🔗 Caller This is what Shawn has said. My son has said that the urologist will check for that.

1:29:20🔗 Drew That's a very serious condition. Okay.

1:29:22🔗 Caller But he wants to take the microscope thingy, do the operation and look around in there.

1:29:27🔗 Drew That's just a cystoscope. That's nothing. That's no big deal. It's not an operation. It's not really an operation. No knives involved anyway. And your friend Jimmy had this.

1:29:37🔗 Adam Oh, no, no. He had that?

1:29:40🔗 Drew Yeah.

1:29:41🔗 Adam That what? What do you call it?

1:29:42🔗 Drew A cystoscope? A cystoscope, yeah.

1:29:43🔗 Adam I thought he just had the widening chopstick.

1:29:48🔗 Drew I think he probably had the cystoscope first.

1:29:51🔗 Adam He had the remoscope.

1:29:52🔗 Drew Yeah, he had the remoscope too, which probably would do with Vincent Sine.

1:29:55🔗 Adam Oh, that ain't right. That ain't right.

1:29:58🔗 Drew But at that age, you want to be careful about this kind of thing. Does he have any ADD or anything like that?

1:30:04🔗 Caller No.

1:30:04🔗 Drew Nothing else.

1:30:05🔗 Caller He's in really good health and he's on no medication.

1:30:08🔗 Drew Behaviorally, nothing else going on.

1:30:10🔗 Caller Nothing going on. We thought it was the pool of water and then we thought it was the bath water and so on and so forth. So we thought it should have been discovered already. Do you think it could be maybe psychological or his diet?

1:30:24🔗 Drew Not the diet, but it certainly could be psychological. I've noticed that I've treated a number of men with obsessive-compulsive disorder that develop a very similar symptom to that, a feeling of like an intense itch or discomfort at the tip of the penis. They re just preoccupied with it all the time. Now it doesn't mean there's not a medical problem causing it. I think looking at the urethra ultimately is an important thing probably to be done.

1:30:46🔗 Adam But do it now before he's learned to really count on his penis.

1:30:50🔗 Drew I don't know that's such a great idea.

1:30:51🔗 Adam All right, so don't do it.

1:30:52🔗 Drew And make sure you see a pediatric urologist.

1:30:56🔗 Adam All right, is that a penis urologist?

1:30:59🔗 Drew For kids.

1:30:59🔗 Adam Oh, I see. That's got to be a tough gig. That's got to garner a few laughs. What are you a pediatric urologist?

1:31:08🔗 Caller They're specialized.

1:31:09🔗 Adam You specialize in small penises?

1:31:11🔗 Drew No, they end up repairing this, you know.

1:31:14🔗 Adam All right, but you know, you diddle kids for a living. Young boys. You know what I'm saying? Think about that. Think about that. They have pediatric gynecologists?

1:31:24🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes.

1:31:24🔗 Adam And they're guys? That's a little...

1:31:27🔗 Ursula Auburn You're something.

1:31:29🔗 Adam That's a little suspect.

1:31:30🔗 Drew Dana.

1:31:31🔗 Caller Yes.

1:31:31🔗 Drew What's going on? We have one minute.

1:31:34🔗 Caller Okay.

1:31:35🔗 Adam All right. Well, I feel like a hell better enough. Dana?

1:31:41🔗 Caller Yes.

1:31:42🔗 Adam Okay. We have one minute.

1:31:44🔗 Caller Okay. Can you hear me?

1:31:47🔗 Adam Okay. Now, now we have 15 seconds. Just a second. Dana?

1:31:55🔗 Ursula Auburn Yes. Hi.

1:31:56🔗 Caller Okay.

1:31:56🔗 Adam We have 15 seconds.

1:31:57🔗 Ursula Auburn Okay. Yeah.

1:31:58🔗 Caller I just wanted to ask. I had a baby three months ago, and I had gotten an epidural and I was wondering if it was normal for my spine to still be sore.

1:32:06🔗 Drew Sore?

1:32:07🔗 Adam Six seconds.

1:32:07🔗 Drew It's very painful. Just kind of sore at the spot?

1:32:11🔗 Caller It's very-

1:32:12🔗 Adam Oh. Ran out of time.

1:32:16🔗 Caller Oh, okay.

1:32:17🔗 Adam Drew, go ahead. You bastard.

1:32:18🔗 Caller Hurry.

1:32:19🔗 Drew You say it's very sore?

1:32:20🔗 Caller It's, well, right where the injection was, it's still a little sore. And if my husband touches it, it makes me feel a little nauseous. And then the pain starts shooting up my spine.

1:32:28🔗 Drew You get any headaches?

1:32:30🔗 Caller I have been lately. I started getting migraines.

1:32:32🔗 Drew Do you have migraines before?

1:32:34🔗 Caller Yeah, but very occasionally. Now I'm getting them like monthly.

1:32:37🔗 Drew I would check out, maybe see the anesthesiologist or your gynecologist who had that performed upon you. You can get actually a spinal leak from after epidural. And the headaches are a typical symptom of it. And if it's not healing for some reason, I just get it checked out. This is not normal.

1:32:52🔗 Adam Fantastic. We'll be back.

1:32:56🔗 Caller Hi, this is Rick James. And you know you're listening to The Loveline with Adam Corolla and the one and only, my man, Dr. Drew.

1:33:05🔗 Adam Yes, it is. Alright, it's been the world's weirdest show. Yeah, I'd say so. I tell you, the conversation with Ursula off the air has been stupendous.

1:33:14🔗 Caller Really?

1:33:16🔗 Adam You attracted to me at all?

1:33:17🔗 Caller Yes, I am.

1:33:18🔗 Ursula Auburn Are we going to go out? We'll be doing afterwards.

1:33:21🔗 Adam Have my girlfriend remove her loafer from my ass. She's had enough of me. Believe me. And believe me, after Jack and Charlie and all that.

1:33:33🔗 Ursula Auburn I'm never going to get another date again.

1:33:35🔗 Adam You'd be done with me. I'm not up to that kind of stuff. I do enjoy having oral sex performed on me if that's any help at all. But other than that, I'm pretty weak in that. I don't. I mean, ask engine or Mike. I don't.

1:33:52🔗 Caller I couldn't.

1:33:53🔗 Adam I'd be way too intimidated. I really would. Imagine you used to Jack and Nicholas Cage and Charlie Sheen and here comes old.

1:34:38🔗 Caller I'm Bob and they're Mike.

1:34:41🔗 Caller The producer of Loveline is Andy Wilkins.

1:34:43🔗 Caller Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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