Episode 1000754887329

0:54 Voiceover Loveline is meant for an adult audience. Loveline may contain sexually-oriented content. Listener discretion is advised.

1:03 Voiceover Adam Corolla, Dr. Drew.

1:05 Voiceover I'm not modeling anymore for the two of you.

1:07 Voiceover Loveline.

1:09 Adam Welcome to the Best of Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew is a board-certified physician and addiction medicine specialist. Don't bother phoning or faxing. Nobody will be manning either machine. We are out. And Everclear is in. Art, Greg and Craig are all here from Everclear. Songs from an American movie, Learning How to Smile is the name of the new CD, which is not out yet. July 11th is when it will come out. But the guys are here tonight, not only plugging that, but doing a little video with us. And also they'll have a follow-up to that CD, which will be out in... Well, when is that coming? It's coming out this year. The tour starts in November, so that'll come out in...

1:56 Best Of Probably November. That's going to be volume two of Songs from an American Movie, Good Time for a Bad Attitude.

2:03 Adam Which is, again, the follow-up to the one out on July 11th. Miranda.

2:09 Best Of Yeah.

2:09 Adam You're 19.

2:10 Best Of I'm 19.

2:10 Adam What's up?

2:12 Best Of I actually have a question for Dr. Drew. I was molested at the age of 19 months old, and I was raped at the age of 10 till 11.

2:23 Drew Do you remember the 19-month-old incident?

2:25 No. I was told.

2:26 Okay.

2:28 Best Of But I do remember it's 11 to 10.

2:30 Okay.

2:31 Best Of I was wondering if that could affect me being able to get pregnant. I've had unprotected sex. You know how it's supposed to be like 72 hours after your period, you can get pregnant.

2:40 Drew No, no, no, no, Miranda.

2:41 Best Of Well, I've heard.

2:42 Drew No. That's not your peak time for fertility, okay?

2:46 Best Of Okay.

2:47 Drew It's a day. It's 24 hours after ovulation.

2:50 Best Of Okay.

2:50 Drew Which is mid-cycle, around 18 days.

2:52 Best Of Okay. So I was wondering if that could affect me being able to get pregnant.

2:56 Drew Yeah. First, the fact that you were exposed to somebody young age, God knows maybe there was an infection or something that went missed. You had symptoms nobody paid attention to because they assumed you weren't sexually active. So it puts you at risk of things.

3:06 Adam Who did this to you?

3:07 Drew Her brother.

3:08 Best Of My father and my brother.

3:10 Adam Oh boy.

3:11 Drew But here's the bigger question.

3:13 Adam Who was first?

3:15 Best Of My father.

3:16 Drew Where have you been Anna? We went through this a couple of minutes ago.

3:18 Adam Did she say her father did it first and then her brother did it?

3:20 Drew Yeah.

3:21 Adam I don't know. I gotta be honest. I'm exceptionally tired and I hate hearing these stories and I think I try to tune them out or something. I just hear jingle bells and I picture like a snow globe or something whenever I hear the word rape or molestation anymore.

3:37 Drew But the bigger problem is why get pregnant at your age? My God.

3:41 Best Of No, I don't want to get pregnant.

3:42 Drew Why not use protection when you're sexually active?

3:45 Best Of Yeah, I'm on birth control now. I don't want to get pregnant. I was just wondering if it can affect me later in life.

3:52 Drew If you have had normal, are you having pelvic exams regularly?

3:55 Best Of Um, yeah.

3:56 Drew Alright, those have been normal?

3:58 Best Of Huh?

3:59 Drew Those have been normal?

4:00 Best Of Yeah, they've been normal.

4:01 Adam Have you gotten some counseling?

4:03 Best Of Yeah.

4:04 Adam You sound alright for someone who's been through what you've been through.

4:09 Yeah, it's amazing.

4:11 Adam Yeah, where's your dad now?

4:13 Um, let's see, where is he?

4:15 He's in Missouri.

4:16 Best Of I haven't seen him for probably about two years.

4:20 Adam And your brother, how's he doing?

4:22 Best Of Um, my brother was on the run for a while. He's in jail now for what he did to me. He also did it to other family members, but he's in jail for it now.

4:31 Best Of How old were you when this happened?

4:33 Best Of I was, um, he started at the age of 10 to 11. I didn't tell him until I was 12.

4:39 Adam And how much older is he than you?

4:41 Best Of Uh, he's, he's 23.

4:44 Best Of How old are you? You're 19?

4:45 Best Of I'm 19.

4:46 Drew He's four years older.

4:47 Adam Oh, boy.

4:48 Best Of So you put your brother in jail?

4:51 Best Of Yeah.

4:51 Best Of Good for you.

4:52 Adam Yeah.

4:53 Best Of Good for you.

4:54 Drew That's how you break that cycle of victimization.

4:56 Best Of That's exactly how you break that. Any kind of cycle, you have to, you have to step up. Step up. Hello.

5:03 Drew Hello.

5:04 Caller Hello.

5:05 Best Of Mom.

5:06 Adam Hi, Miranda.

5:07 Best Of Okay.

5:08 Drew All right, but don't worry about your fertility right now. There's nothing you've told me that leads me to believe that you necessarily should be concerned about that, okay?

5:14 Best Of I mean, he also gave me an STD, and that was cleared up.

5:18 Drew What was it?

5:20 Well, what was it?

5:21 Drew Chlamydia?

5:22 Best Of It was chlamydia.

5:23 Drew All right, well, that can affect your fertility.

5:25 Best Of Yeah.

5:26 Drew So if anything, your tube function can be affected by that. So that's something to look into. If you, in the future, when you're actually trying to get pregnant and have problems for more than, say, six to 12 months, then you get something called a hystereous alpingogram where they light up the tubes and look at them to see if they're working, okay?

5:43 Adam That has a neon effect. Miranda?

5:45 Best Of Uh-huh.

5:45 Adam All right. Your brother gave you the STD?

5:47 Best Of Yes.

5:48 Adam Oh, boy.

5:49 Best Of How long did you have it before you found out?

5:53 Best Of I don't know. When I had the rape screen, that's when I found out.

5:58 Drew Which was a year into it. So it might have been for a while she had it.

6:02 Adam All right, Miranda. You're doing good.

6:04 Drew Keep up the good work.

6:06 Adam Don't get pregnant.

6:07 Best Of Oh, I don't plan to.

6:09 Adam If you talk to your dad, tell him I'll see him in hell, okay? Okay. All righty. Take care. Oh, I can't, I know, you know, it's like, to me guys like that need to be destroyed because there's just no greater example of you being effed up than you doing that to your daughter.

6:27 Best Of Yeah, but you guys hear this all the time, don't you?

6:29 Adam Yeah, we do.

6:29 Best Of I mean, this is so prevalent, but it's not anything new. It's just people are talking about it.

6:35 Drew No, it's more, for a couple reasons.

6:38 Adam Well, it's not that it didn't happen.

6:39 Drew No, it's more.

6:40 Best Of Yeah, and it was happening back when, I don't want to name names. I mean, I've heard it from people who were in their 70s or 80s.

6:48 Drew Absolutely, it's been happening for a long time. But the thing about it is that people who do that will go do that to other children when they're children and then do it to children when they're adults. And so every time it happens to one person, it affects a hundred others.

6:59 Best Of No, I know.

6:59 Drew And so it has growth built into it. It grows. And in a culture that lets it grow like this one right now, it's just going wildfire.

7:08 Adam That's right. We're all moving to Canada. Actually, I'm just going to go live in Art's basement studio if that's cool.

7:15 Best Of There's a nice couch down there. Do you like a futon?

7:18 Adam Oh, a futon. Let me tell you something. I've slept on a futon for like four years when I moved out of the house. And futon, for those of you who don't know what a futon is, it's the world's most uncomfortable sofa that folds out into the world's most uncomfortable bed. Somehow they've done it. This, I'm convinced that the futon is the Japanese paying us back for World War II. It's like, this is what we get for Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

7:44 Drew Is crappy pillow laid on cement.

7:46 Adam Right. No, futon, no, I looked it up once in a Japanese-American dictionary. It means bear trap in Japanese. Yes, they're laughing their asses off over there. They buy futon, fool. They call it the futon over there. There's no one in Japan uses one. They just export them here and laugh like hyenas. Oh, I hate those things. Really, you got to do better in a futon.

8:09 Best Of I like the futon, man.

8:10 Adam No.

8:11 Best Of Yeah, it's good for my back.

8:12 Adam You're just trying to keep it real.

8:14 Drew They have, the futon is advanced.

8:16 Best Of No.

8:16 Drew Futon is today or not the futon of yours.

8:17 Best Of No, man, see, your futon was basically a big, you know.

8:21 Adam Mine was like a big pillow that folded.

8:22 Best Of A big pillow probably that had beer stains and other stains all over it.

8:26 Adam That wasn't beer. I got to a certain point where I couldn't unfold it. I had to use a pry bar to get the thing apart. No, my parents, my family was so cheap, they bought me this futon, but it was like a knockoff futon. You know, it wasn't a real futon.

8:40 Best Of How big was your apartment, though? What were you gonna do? Get a bean bag?

8:43 Drew It was a garage.

8:43 Adam I had a, I lived in a garage, but when I moved out, I had a one-bedroom apartment in North Hollywood on Laurel Canyon. I lived with three guys.

8:52 Oh, it was a good time.

8:54 Drew Three guys in a studio.

8:55 Adam Well, we had a bedroom, but me and the Wee slept on the futon. It was, it wasn't a good time in my life.

9:01 Drew You and Wee is together in one futon?

9:04 Adam Yes, we doubled down on a futon.

9:06 Oh my God, the humanity.

9:08 Best Of Was your haircut, was that same haircut around at that time?

9:11 Adam I was sporting by then, I was sporting the Mr. Brady perm look, you know, basically what I got now, but a little bigger.

9:18 Best Of Little bit of the schlong going on, a little short on top, a little long in the back. Come on.

9:24 Adam I didn't have the mullet, but I did have a little of that, remember the romantics, a little bit short on the side, little puffy, little New Jersey look.

9:32 Best Of You never had a mullet?

9:34 Adam No, I didn't have a mullet because my hair wouldn't do the mullet, it wouldn't fall down in the back.

9:39 Drew Drew, did you have a mullet? No, I never did.

9:40 Best Of Never? God, I hate that.

9:42 Adam But Drew has some pretty horrible...

9:43 Best Of We had the mullet.

9:44 Adam Oh really?

9:45 Best Of Did you ever have a mullet?

9:46 Drew No, I did much worse than you guys have.

9:47 I must admit, I had a little bit of one, yes.

9:49 Best Of Did you have a mullet? Yeah.

9:51 Drew Yeah?

9:51 Adam Yeah.

9:52 He asked the cameraman.

9:55 Adam I never had the mullet. I had a little of that Lord of the Dance kind of flatly kind of look, kind of poofy on top.

10:02 Best Of Did you have the Loverboy headband?

10:05 Adam I wore a thin headband, yeah, sure, and a members-only jacket with the sleeves cut off. It was a choice I made. I stand by it.

10:13 Best Of The parachute pants?

10:14 Adam No, I would have gone down that road, but I didn't have any money, so I couldn't. They were expensive. Yeah, those parachute pants weren't free. Ron?

10:23 Yeah?

10:24 Adam You're 18.

10:25 Caller Yeah.

10:25 Adam What's up?

10:26 Caller My question was, every time I jack off, my penis gets really, really sore.

10:32 Best Of Where?

10:34 Caller I don't know if it's the urethra or what, but it just hurts.

10:37 Drew Inside?

10:39 Caller Yeah, in it.

10:39 Drew It's not at the tip? It doesn't burn when you urinate?

10:42 Caller Uh, it did when I, after like a couple of times when I urinated after, it burned pretty bad, but after that, I didn't really do it.

10:49 Drew Anything else going on? No.

10:52 Caller No?

10:52 Drew Same to the testes or anything like that.

10:54 Best Of Are you circumcised?

10:55 Caller Not quite.

10:56 Drew How long has it been? Are you real?

10:58 Adam Not quite.

10:59 Caller They missed.

11:00 Adam Lazy moil.

11:03 Best Of You're not circumcised or you are circumcised?

11:05 Caller No, I'm not.

11:06 Best Of Okay, well then it's probably that you're stretching that skin.

11:10 Drew Well, that wouldn't make it hurt when he urinates.

11:13 Caller No, yeah.

11:14 Adam But maybe if he's irritated it and the urine gets on that part, it stings.

11:19 Best Of Maybe he's gripping it too hard.

11:20 Drew You're saying it's like you're peeing fire, right?

11:22 Caller Yeah, basically that's what it feels like.

11:24 Drew Inside. You guys never had that?

11:26 Adam No. Tell us about it, Drew.

11:28 Best Of If we had it, we would never admit to it.

11:31 Adam So what is that, sexually transmitted disease?

11:33 Drew No, it's urethritis, it's just inflammation of the urethra, and that can be just from mechanical irritation, maybe some cream or soap he's using is irritating it. Maybe it's a prostate infection or inflammation, but it's something you ought to discuss with the doctor because it's something that's best treated because it can get into epididymitis and other things that can bother you.

11:50 Best Of That's fun.

11:51 Drew That's something that the art would never admit either.

11:54 Best Of No, I had to the epididymitis. That freaked me out when I was like 22.

11:57 Adam What is that?

11:58 Best Of That's when you get blood in your semen.

12:00 Adam Oh, yeah, that's rough.

12:01 Best Of Because it's an infection. And it's really fun on a date, you know? You break that out and it's like there's blood. I'm not on my period, it's coming out of you. But that was back in the drug days. It's good now.

12:15 Adam That's great, yeah, it's like, oh, there's a thousand island on the sheet, honey.

12:22 Caller Who's been eating salad?

12:23 Adam Oh, man, yeah. Yep, I stick with the ranch, right, Drew?

12:28 Best Of It was more like that kind of-

12:30 Adam That's blue cheese. Occasionally, I get the chunky blue cheese in there, yeah. Never can figure that one out, so it was a surprise.

12:36 Best Of Zesty cocktail sauce.

12:39 Adam Oh, man. Oh, man. Now, did that send you running for the doctor? Because I'd be airlifted out of the bedroom.

12:46 Best Of Man, I was 20 years old, I was so wasted, I didn't really know what the hell I was doing. I was on drugs.

12:50 Adam And so how do you clear that up?

12:53 Drew Well, infection, typically, we just take an antibiotic for a couple of weeks. But sometimes epitonimitis can be true with anti-inflammatories too.

13:00 Best Of Yeah, you get a good buzz off those, dude.

13:02 Adam Todd?

13:04 Drew Todd's sleeping.

13:05 Best Of Go to a girl.

13:06 Drew Wait, wait, listen. Todd?

13:10 Best Of Todd's listening to the radio.

13:11 Drew Call her.

13:12 Adam Oh, I thought he was sleeping.

13:13 Caller How's it going, man?

13:13 Adam Todd, you're 20, what's up?

13:15 Caller Hey, I just had a question for the doc, and then I have some questions for Everett there, dude. First of all, doc, I was wondering, does marijuana affect fertility?

13:24 Drew It can in people that smoke a lot of it. It can reduce sperm count, increase estrogen levels, and it doesn't necessarily do that, but it could affect it a little bit.

13:34 Caller I just had a couple of questions for Everett Clear. I just want to say I am your biggest fan here in San Diego, California. You guys rock.

13:40 Caller I own all your CDs, art.

13:41 Caller I love you, man.

13:42 Caller You're awesome, dude. You're a big inspiration to me, and I think your music rocks.

13:47 Caller Hope to see you in San Diego. I love the new single, and take care.

13:52 Caller Happy belated birthday to Art and Greg.

13:55 Best Of Thank you. Wow, it's a real fan.

13:57 That is a real fan.

13:58 Caller Cool.

13:59 Best Of When they know Greg's birthday, we know their real fan.

14:02 I had a birthday?

14:03 Caller Yeah, you did, man. Oh, okay.

14:05 30 years old. Shh.

14:05 Don't tell him.

14:06 Best Of Oh, he already said it. Oh, you're 30.

14:08 Oh, no.

14:10 Adam Hey, Todd?

14:11 Caller Yeah.

14:12 Adam You're going to get the CD?

14:14 Caller Am I going to get the CD? I'm going to be the first one in line to get that CD.

14:17 Adam Good.

14:17 Caller All right.

14:17 Adam That will be out the 11th of July. All right.

14:20 Caller See you in San Diego.

14:22 Adam Yeah. You guys, when you go out on tour in November, you get by San Diego, right?

14:26 Drew We always have great shows in San Diego.

14:27 Best Of Always good shows.

14:28 Adam It's kind of a, I know this sounds cliche, but they seem eager to party in San Diego.

14:34 Best Of They are, man. When I lived up here back in the, well, back long time ago, I used to have a girlfriend in San Diego and I go down there. Had one in Santa Barbara too, which is another party town.

14:49 Adam Oh, boy. Oh, boy. We got, Drew and I did one of these colleges. We did, you know, UC Santa Barbara, like, was it three months ago?

14:58 Best Of Have you been to Isla Vista, like, when school's in session? It's insane.

15:02 Adam Well, let me tell you something. I've been down there for Halloween on a few occasions when they block off the streets and they just turn the whole place and it's like, it's really, it's Adam Gamora over there.

15:15 Best Of Man, they block off the streets every weekend when school's in session. It's insane.

15:19 Adam I was down there three months ago. I'm such an idiot, but we decided, I mean, here's what happened. Drew and I went down there. Okay, here's what happened. The Man Show was going to do one of our famous rider retreats where we get a van, we get a bunch of beer, we get all the riders and all the guys are like 10 guys and we head out and go smoke pot and drink beer and have a good time. In years past, we bring laptop computers and pens and stuff. This year, we said, F it. We don't get anything done, we're just bringing more beer. So we went out there and we decided to go to Santa Barbara because Drew and I were doing a lecture that weekend and we decided to just make a party out of it. So we all went out there, we stayed there. The guys all came to the lecture and heckled us. Then when we were done, someone had the bright idea about going into Isla Vista, going to one of these houses and hitting a party. Let's just have a good time. We pulled this long stretch van into the street. Me and Jimmy got out of the van and it was like, hey, it's man show guys, it's man show. We got back in the van. Before you know it, the van was surrounded by hundreds of crazed college kids and they're rocking it, and they're throwing beer bottles at it. It was like a weird scene. I had a burning tire thrown on me. It was wild and it was funny. Everyone in the van, the thing that was funny is we're like trying, you know what it's like trying to back out one of those super extendo vans on a dead end street that's just the size of a surface street? It's just like a small residential street and you got to do like a 15 point turn to get the thing turned around. Meanwhile, you're surrounded the entire time by drunken people. For the first five minutes, I'm telling the driver, right, three o'clock, easy, easy, easy. But after like 15 minutes of those drunken kids, I got my hand out the way, I'm trying to punch anything that moves, and I'm yelling at the driver, floor it, just floor it, floor it, we'll mow them down like corn. Just go baby. So, yeah, I know that. In San Diego, I used to go there and go to Tijuana and then just go hang out with my friends who went to a San Diego state in the dorms and that is a mess.

17:30 Drew University of San Diego, which is a beautiful college in the hill. I don't know how they get anything done.

17:35 Adam They don't. Are you kidding? They go to Tijuana?

17:37 Best Of University of San Diego is a little bit more scholastic. San Diego state system.

17:42 Drew That and then UNLV, how would you do with that?

17:46 Adam You're going down to slots of fun and eating 50 cent jumbo dogs and Heineken's.

17:52 Caller No way.

17:54 Best Of No way.

17:54 Adam You take in every cent you get for books and tuition, you're gambling it away. I mean, it's just no way. Could you imagine?

18:01 Best Of You get a good degree in hotel management there.

18:03 Caller I'm kidding.

18:05 Adam All right. Seriously, could you picture yourself at 19 in Ilovista? In Ilovista.

18:11 Best Of Man, I was 20 driving up to Ilovista and it was just like this thing is like, I had a girlfriend up there and I go up there basically for sex. So I go up there for the weekends. It was like, I lived in Santa Monica. I drive, you know, what is it, about 50 miles, something like that.

18:25 Drew Ladies take notes.

18:26 Best Of Something like that.

18:27 Drew This is what motivates guys to do this.

18:29 Best Of And then, you know, like we'd break up and I'd hook up with her friend. I'd drive up and spend the same, you know, spend a night in the room next door. Nah, it was like, she'd break up with me and go out with someone. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah there.

18:40 Adam Yeah, it really is.

18:41 Best Of People have no morals. People have no limit.

18:45 Adam No scruples, no dignity whatsoever.

18:47 Best Of It's wonderful.

18:47 Adam And listen, and I have friends that went to Santa Barbara to go to college, and that was 16 years ago. They've never come back.

18:56 Best Of Yeah, this was about then.

18:57 Adam They went out, they had a good time, and they just said, F it, I'm gonna work at a surf shop and I'm never coming back. And they're just living there now. So the point is... And we're jealous. Listen, send your kids to Ithaca.

19:11 Best Of Fresno, Fresno State.

19:13 Drew No, think snow.

19:13 Adam No, you gotta think snow. You gotta think like Syracuse, Ithaca. Where do we go?

19:19 Best Of Rochester.

19:20 Drew Northern...

19:21 Adam Northern Illinois. What are some of those places? DeKalb, Illinois.

19:26 Best Of Oh, man.

19:27 Adam Those kids are beaten over there.

19:29 Best Of Northern Michigan University.

19:31 Adam Yeah, good.

19:31 Best Of That's up there in the UP.

19:34 Drew Upper Peninsula.

19:36 Adam Wait, I got the camper. Here we go. Oswego. That's upstate New York. It's near Ithaca. Did we go? We drove through it.

19:43 Best Of I think we played at that school. We played at that school.

19:47 Adam That your kids get a serious... The girls may go lesbian, but they'll get a serious education up there. Chris?

19:53 Drew Yeah?

19:54 Adam You're 17.

19:55 Drew Yeah.

19:55 Adam What's up?

19:56 Caller Yeah, I've been smoking for like five years.

19:59 Drew Smoking cigarettes?

20:00 Caller Yeah.

20:00 Drew Since you were 12.

20:02 Caller I've recently developed like a sore throat, but I've had it for a few days and I was wondering if it like could be cancerous.

20:10 Adam Most likely, yes.

20:12 Drew Yeah. Don't you think you could develop a sore throat like anybody else?

20:15 Caller Well, I've had it for so long and...

20:17 Drew How long have you had it for? You said a couple of days.

20:19 Caller Like about four or five days.

20:21 Drew Well, when you're smoking, it tends to perpetuate those things.

20:25 Caller Yeah.

20:25 Drew A cancer at your age would be extraordinarily rare from cigarettes. You will get it if you keep smoking, but not at 17. And you ought to see somebody about the sore throat.

20:36 Adam Art was telling me before the show you had throat surgery.

20:41 Best Of Yeah, I had throat surgery last year for my vocal cords. I had notes. I had a lot of stuff on there. The pathologist, the guy who actually looked at the tissue after they sliced it all off, said he's never seen that much.

20:54 Adam Really?

20:54 Best Of Bad flesh, yeah. I had a cyst. I had a bunch of calluses. I had three notes. And a really great doctor here in town, Dr. Shnitman took care of me.

21:05 Adam And how did they get at it? They just go right down your mouth and cut into you?

21:08 Best Of It was funny. It was the first time that I had had anything like a drug in like 15 years, you know, because of the anesthetic, right? And they put the thing in my arm. It really creeped me out because, I mean, it took me back to the day, right? I hadn't done it. And I was sitting there. And the guy's like, OK, usually people pass out around 98, 97. And I was like, 83, 82, 81. And I'm like, just buzzing. I look at the guy and I go, 80? Bye bye. It was like I woke up and my mom was there. And I came out of the anesthetic. And one eye was going in one direction. The other was going in another direction. And she hadn't seen me look like that in about 15 years. She started crying. But it helped a lot.

21:57 Adam Did you miss it? I mean, I love that.

22:00 Drew Did it trigger anything?

22:01 Best Of No, no. It just was what it was. I was really afraid of it, actually. I was afraid of that hole.

22:07 Drew You didn't get any opiates or they just gave you the sleeping.

22:09 Best Of Just pentothal.

22:10 Drew Yeah.

22:11 Best Of No, no. They didn't give me anything. I didn't take any painkillers. I took, they tried to give them to me. I just took a...

22:18 Adam Can I have them?

22:18 Best Of Talanol. Sure.

22:20 Why are you holding, man?

22:22 Adam Yeah, man.

22:22 Come on, bro.

22:24 Adam I don't got a problem. Right, Drew? I did go out and score yesterday, though.

22:29 Drew I know you did.

22:29 Adam Yeah.

22:30 Drew Cool.

22:30 Adam Drew got me some good sleeping pills.

22:32 Best Of No one can get you drugs like a doctor.

22:34 Adam No. You know the best part about any kind of surgery. I had my hand, I had my...

22:40 Best Of Wow, look at it.

22:40 Adam It looks pretty good, Drew.

22:41 Drew Let's see.

22:43 Adam You see that?

22:44 Best Of Do you have carpal tunnel?

22:45 Adam It's great. Easy, champ, easy. The scar, it started there and went all the way down. It goes like that. And the point is, I just remember you fall asleep and then you wake up and you're like, when are you gonna do it? And they're like, go home. Isn't that great?

23:01 Best Of Well, you know what the hardest thing about this wasn't, it's not very funny, but it was like, I had to go home and you can't talk for 10 days. Can't use them for 10 days. And my daughter would just look at me and cry because daddy couldn't talk to her.

23:17 Adam And she can't read a note, can she?

23:19 Best Of Well, no, she could read, but this was over a year ago. And I mean, they grew up so much in a year. But last year she could read a note, but she was just like, she wanted me to read to her. We were in the middle of reading The Hobbit, and she just was really, really hurt by it. So every time she'd see me, she'd come up in school and go, daddy! I'd start crying. I just felt really horrible. I was like, honey, don't cry. And you're not supposed to even whisper. It does even worse.

23:48 Adam Oh my God. I would go nuts if I couldn't complain. That's not, I don't look at it as not talking for 10 days, or as not complaining for 10 days.

23:55 Best Of It was part of that too.

23:57 Adam See, I'd want to complain about not talking. That'd be number one on my agenda. All right. We'll take ourselves a little break. Everclear is here, and we'll be back with them and you after this.

24:12 Caller Loveline will be right back.

24:46 Adam You're listening to the Best of Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Drew. Coming up, the cast of the 70s show, Laura Prypan, Topher Grace, and Wilmer Valderrama.

24:56 Drew This is a good show.

24:57 Adam You remember that one?

24:58 Drew Well, I remember they were good, and they liked this show, and we liked their show.

25:02 Adam All right.

25:03 Drew Looked for a good show.

25:04 Adam Then everyone's happy. Laura Prypan is here, also Wilmer Valderrama and Topher Grace. All from that 70s show. Monday night's eight o'clock on the Fabulous Fox, which is, boy, I tell you, it's really football and Malcolm in the Middle and God knows, Simpsons and all that good stuff. It really is.

25:23 Like Ally McBeal. There's just one Fox.

25:24 Adam Ally McBeal.

25:25 Caller There's just one Fox.

25:26 Adam It's really making quite a surge here in the last couple years. And the Family Guy show I enjoy. That's on Fox, too, right? Yeah. What the hell's that on?

25:37 Drew Thursdays.

25:37 Adam Drew, didn't we do a voiceover for that?

25:39 Drew Yeah, we did.

25:40 Adam What happened to that?

25:41 Drew Then I met somebody's mom who worked in that office in Illinois somewhere. Is that weird?

25:47 Adam It's weird to you, but to the callers, it's boring and or confusing.

25:50 Drew I was talking to you. I was talking to everybody.

25:52 Adam OK. I'm sorry.

25:53 Mila, who plays Jackie in our show, is the voice of the daughter on that show.

25:57 Caller I forgot about that.

25:59 And we're on at 8 on Monday.

26:02 Caller It was like the plays.

26:03 The end.

26:06 Adam Adam.

26:07 Hi.

26:07 Adam Hey. You're 13. What's up?

26:10 Caller I was wondering if penis growth can be affected by masturbation?

26:14 Drew No.

26:15 Adam Well, temporarily.

26:17 Drew Okay.

26:18 Adam It can grow, right?

26:21 Drew Temporarily.

26:22 Adam Right. Then it goes back. Yeah. Seriously?

26:25 Drew No, Adam. No, no, no, no, no.

26:27 Adam Well, what do you think? In a good way or a bad way? What are you looking for?

26:30 Caller A bad way.

26:31 Drew No, no problem.

26:32 Adam You're all right.

26:33 Caller Okay, thanks.

26:34 Adam Yeah. I'll see you in hell. All right. All right.

26:39 All right.

26:41 Drew Adam is going to have a throw down there. All right, Adam.

26:44 Adam Yeah, I'll be conducting seminars. I'll be doing timeshare seminars from hell. Adam, you're 13. How often are you going at yourself?

26:55 Caller Like a few times a week.

26:57 Adam Oh, that's all right. Don't worry. That'll spin out of control in just a few short months. 13. Wow. I see. I didn't start until I was 16 years old. I've been, wait a minute. Listen, Anderson, you're lucky I squeezed one off before I came out here tonight. Otherwise, I might not be able to control myself. I have a Pavlovian response when I hear the Taboo 2 theme. All right. Jennifer?

27:27 Yeah.

27:28 Adam You're 16.

27:29 Caller Yeah, I am.

27:31 Drew What's going on, Jennifer?

27:31 Adam What's going on?

27:32 Caller Well, I'm glad I got to break the horniness down here. So I just want to say hi to everyone.

27:38 Adam I don't know what she said. What did you say there, Jennifer?

27:40 Caller I'm sorry.

27:41 Drew What's your question?

27:42 Caller Okay. I've been depressed lately. I have history of bipolar disorder in my family. And my mom has it and my grandma and everyone has it. And I've been on Prozac and everything but the hard like lithium and all that junk. And I just want to know if I'm doing the right thing.

28:08 Drew To be honest?

28:10 Caller What?

28:10 Drew Are you doing the right thing to be on medication like that?

28:13 Caller Yeah. It's making me like a zombie. I can't function. I mean, I write, I do poetry all the time and I can't even do that. I can't do schoolwork. I'm just, I'm bored.

28:23 Drew That's not the Prozac.

28:25 Adam What is that?

28:25 Drew That's her underlying depression.

28:27 Adam Oh, it is. Well, she's on Prozac and you're not on lithium.

28:32 Drew She's not anything else. And have you been doing by talking to the doctor that would prescribe this?

28:38 Caller The doctor is Chinese. I can't understand a damn word he said.

28:42 Drew Is he a psychiatrist?

28:43 Caller Yeah, he's a psychiatrist. So he doesn't just write stuff and he's like, all right, let's try this.

28:47 Drew Well, you need to go back there and talk to him about how you're feeling because this is not okay.

28:52 Caller I really can't do anything. I mean, I can't do anything.

28:58 Drew It's not the medicine. It's not the medicine. It's the bipolar illness.

29:04 Caller So I do have it.

29:06 Adam You do have what?

29:07 Drew Well, they're treating you, right?

29:08 Caller They're not treating me. They just have depression and to work out of it, you know, get sunshine and I do that.

29:18 Drew Jennifer, look, all we know is that you have a profound genetic history in your family for disturbances of mood.

29:24 Adam Well, also when you're raised by depressed people, you get depressed too. I mean, even if it's not a genetic thing.

29:30 Drew It's true, but they all have bipolar and bipolar does seem to be genetically carried, whether or not you're raised by the folks or not. At this point, you're manifesting the depressed piece. Whether or not you'll ever actually have the manic part remains to be seen, but for now, this depression sounds rather profound.

29:46 Caller Right now, I can't eat anything.

29:48 Drew Yeah, it needs to be treated. Plus, I bet you've been in a psychiatric hospital, have you?

29:54 Caller No. Have they talked to you? My mom, she is totally brainwashed. And she has it, and she denies it.

30:03 Drew Yeah.

30:03 Adam Oh, boy. Yeah.

30:06 Caller So she's like, you baby, you can handle it, you know?

30:10 Adam So she's not taking any medication or anything, your mom?

30:14 Caller My mom, yeah, she takes Sarazone to sleep, but that's fun, and during the day, she... I don't know, she's really different. She has mood swings and...

30:21 Drew Well, Sarazone is a pretty powerful medicine, but again, if you have mood... Ability problems, I understand, but she should have moved stabilizers. That works so much better than just antidepressants with this disorder.

30:32 Adam Talk to your doctor and use an interpreter or something.

30:36 Drew Or change doctor, get somewhere, get some help.

30:38 Adam Who will take Fosac Round Eye?

30:41 Caller Ciao.

30:43 Adam All right. Jennifer, listen, I feel bad for you, I really do, but most 16-year-olds are depressed at one time or another.

30:50 Caller I go outside all the time.

30:53 Adam Don't do it, but I guess all the time isn't that bad, because it means...

30:57 Drew Jennifer, do you come on to drdrew.com or something?

30:59 Caller Do I do what?

31:00 Drew Do you use the web at all?

31:02 Caller Yeah, I go to your website all the time. I love you guys. I love Adam, he's a sweetie.

31:06 Adam I ain't on the web.

31:08 Caller I know, but I love you.

31:10 Drew But have we been chatting with you?

31:11 Adam She is depressed.

31:12 Caller She needs medication.

31:14 Drew Jennifer, have we been chatting with you a little bit, months and a while?

31:18 Caller No, I don't, I just.

31:19 Drew Go into our chat rooms. There's a lot of support in there for people with stuff like.

31:22 Caller There's never anyone in there, so I just leave.

31:24 Drew Well, check it out. Go in there. There's usually some people in there.

31:27 Adam Why is there no one in there?

31:29 Drew There's usually people in there. I've never gone in there with not anybody in there.

31:31 Adam You've never been in there, come on.

31:33 Drew I go in every day. Every day? Every day.

31:35 Adam Just to collect the money and then you leave? I go in every day.

31:38 Drew But there's a bunch of kids just like Jennifer that get support from those chats. In fact, she sounds exactly like someone I was talking to last night.

31:46 Adam Macy?

31:47 Yeah?

31:48 Adam Were your pants up? You're 17 years old.

31:50 Caller I'm sorry, I got the clown outfit on.

31:54 Adam What's up there?

31:56 Caller I'm very excited because I didn't know who your guests were going to be until I got on.

32:00 Adam You like that 70's show?

32:01 Caller I love that show.

32:02 Caller Alright, cool.

32:03 Caller Thank you.

32:04 Adam Tomorrow night.

32:05 Caller Hi, how are you doing sweetie?

32:06 Caller You're a hottie.

32:07 Caller Oh wow, you hear that Laura?

32:10 Caller I hear that baby.

32:11 Caller You understand what she said?

32:12 Caller Yes, I do.

32:12 Caller Okay, keep that in mind. Every day we go to work, okay?

32:15 Caller I'll try to.

32:15 Caller That's wonderful.

32:16 Caller Okay. My question is about my best friend.

32:25 I'm sorry.

32:27 Drew I'm sorry.

32:27 I'm a not a hottie.

32:29 Drew Your best friend.

32:30 Caller Yeah, my best friend recently got a boyfriend and now she really doesn't talk to me at all like ever. All right.

32:38 Adam It happens every day. You're fine.

32:41 Drew That's what people do at your age.

32:42 Adam Drew, we're going to take another call like this.

32:44 Drew Hey, listen, look at that.

32:45 Adam Teenage angst line. She's been on 56 minutes.

32:48 Drew She's been on hold. You would have started yelling at me.

32:50 Adam Oh, you know I don't care about people anymore. I don't care. I keep my grandmother on hold for a year. John? Yeah. You're 25.

33:01 Caller What's up?

33:02 Caller I don't know, man. It's more for the doc over there.

33:05 Caller Yeah.

33:05 Caller I was kind of screwing around with my wife the other night and I was fingering her and pulled my hand out and kind of asked if something looked like cottage cheese all caked around my fingers.

33:17 Adam Yeah. Hey, John?

33:18 Caller Yeah.

33:18 Adam Where did you go to finishing school? You have a way with words.

33:23 Drew Are you really 25?

33:25 Adam Really?

33:26 Caller Yeah.

33:26 Drew Do people-

33:27 Adam He's all class.

33:28 Drew Do people talk about their wives that way?

33:30 Adam About fingering their wives?

33:32 Caller That's the main core, you know.

33:34 Adam What? All right. Hey, don't cuss, John, you idiot.

33:37 Drew Okay.

33:37 Adam Please.

33:38 Drew John, yeast infection. Oh, yeah? That's what that is, yes. Yeast infection. Okay. So get her some over-the-counter yeast medicine.

33:44 Caller All right.

33:45 Drew Monistat, something like that. That'll take care of it.

33:47 Adam What were you doing feeling around in there after you're married anyway?

33:50 Caller It was one of those once-in-a-lifetime things, you know?

33:53 Adam Yeah.

33:54 Caller Once a year.

33:54 Adam All right. I think women like that. I'm not a big fan of that. To me, it's like getting something out of the disposal, you know what I mean?

34:04 Caller You don't want to be messing around with that.

34:05 Adam You got a good idea of what's down in there, but you're not quite sure. You don't know what's left over from last time. You know when you got to go into disposal, you always get the feeling. You think, well, listen, I know it's just some... When A can turn on, oh, yes, that has happened. Bend a spoon.

34:28 Caller All right.

34:29 Adam Salma?

34:31 Best Of Yeah?

34:31 Adam You're 19. What's up?

34:33 Best Of Adam, first of all, I like to say I love you and I'm saving my virginity for you.

34:37 Adam Good. Me too.

34:42 Best Of Any guys from that 70s show?

34:44 I love your show.

34:45 Best Of It's getting better and better.

34:46 Caller If you had to choose between me and Millman, who's a hottie? Who do you think's a hottie?

34:51 Best Of Who do I think is a hottie?

34:52 Caller On the show, yeah.

34:53 Best Of Are you the really tall guy?

34:56 Caller Yes, I am.

34:57 Okay, I think you're really hot.

34:59 Caller Thank you.

35:00 Yeah.

35:00 Caller Yeah, you just see him without his shirt.

35:02 Best Of You won the Teen Choice Awards in your little Calvin Klein.

35:05 Caller Okay, that was Ashton.

35:06 Oh, God, you were so hot.

35:07 Caller Wow. Okay.

35:10 Best Of Thank you.

35:11 Caller So for the record, you're saying Topher Grace is the hot one in that 70s show?

35:16 Adam Yeah, just say yes. Oh, my God.

35:18 Best Of I know their character names. I don't know their real names.

35:21 Adam What's that?

35:22 Best Of Okay. My teacher, she just left to Los Angeles over the weekend. I'm so nervous. You could probably hear me shaking. But okay, she told her husband that she was going to meet with some friends, and they're just like going to have some drinks, and like just go to a strip joint or whatever. But she met a guy over the Internet, and she's going to meet him there. I don't know if I should tell him that, tell him.

35:51 Adam How old's your sister?

35:53 Best Of She's 24 and she has one child.

35:54 Adam How long has she been married?

35:57 Best Of Three years.

35:58 Adam How do you know she met a guy over the Internet?

36:00 Best Of She tells me everything and she shows me the pictures.

36:02 Adam And she's going out to LA to rendezvous with this guy?

36:07 Best Of Do more. To do more, actually.

36:08 Drew Has she always been sort of troubled?

36:09 Adam Has she met him before?

36:11 Best Of No.

36:11 Adam Where are you calling from?

36:12 Best Of Sacramento.

36:13 Adam And, yeah, has she always been a little chaotic?

36:17 Best Of No. She's always like boys, though. Like since she was 13.

36:20 Adam Yeah.

36:21 Drew But liking boys means she has difficulty staying with one.

36:25 Best Of No. Well, yeah, she likes to experiment, but that's just her Sagittarius side.

36:29 Drew Can you stop? Listen.

36:30 Adam Just listen, you retards, all this Sagittarius side. It's a big crock of crap. You know, you know, you know, you know, these people, it's like they study the signs.

36:40 Best Of They go, oh, please, there's a lot of things like you need to learn how to manipulate a situation so you get a lot of knowledge.

36:46 Adam Listen, quiet down over there. Hey, like, first off, like, it makes a difference what month you were born in.

36:51 Best Of It does.

36:52 Adam You know what I mean?

36:53 Best Of Like you're born in the year of the dragon. So you're really chaotic. You attract a lot of, like, trouble.

36:58 Caller Oh, me?

36:59 Drew Adam?

37:00 Best Of Yeah.

37:01 Drew That could be farther from the truth.

37:02 I think Drew is a Virgo.

37:03 Best Of You act like a Virgo.

37:05 Adam Drew is a Virgo?

37:06 Best Of Yeah, I think Drew is. Oh, my God.

37:07 Adam Oh, well, you looked it up on some internet thing or something.

37:10 Best Of Yeah, I've never seen it. I plan on visiting your website, Drew.

37:14 Drew Thank you.

37:14 Best Of But, you know.

37:16 Drew I haven't had time.

37:17 Adam All right, all right. Drew is a Virgo. What is that?

37:21 Best Of They like to think that everybody is proper and well-educated. So he doesn't, that's why he doesn't, he's not very opinionated on sex and, like, he doesn't like to grope at the girls when they're on the show.

37:31 Adam All right. Well, I'm a Gemini. What's that make me?

37:34 Best Of That makes you, they say that you guys are the most intelligent of all this.

37:38 Adam Well, finally she's talking sense here. Now listen, I know this is nonsense.

37:44 Best Of Mr. Moonsign is gorgio, so that makes you overly sexual.

37:48 Adam Since it's whacking off a lot, make you overly sexual. Listen, this whole, like, you're Gemini, you have two personalities. Drew, I have half of one personality, right? Barely a half. I have like a third of a personality. I don't have two.

38:03 Drew Somebody stole the other one and a half.

38:04 Adam That's right. There's some goddamn Gemini out there with three and a half personalities. All right. Listen, you're nuts and your sister's a little wacky too. Now, what happened to you two?

38:17 Best Of I just like to help people.

38:18 Adam What happened? Where's dad?

38:21 Best Of My dad's a preacher.

38:23 Adam Now, all bets are off. Did he do anything weird to either one of you?

38:27 Best Of No.

38:27 Drew No, no, no.

38:28 Best Of My dad's really cool.

38:29 Adam All right.

38:30 Best Of Don't talk about daddy.

38:31 Adam Okay.

38:35 Drew How about mommy?

38:38 Adam What's mommy doing?

38:40 Best Of Mommy's like a homemaker.

38:43 Adam Okay. Again, your sister, is her husband ever cheated on her? She paying him back for something?

38:48 Best Of No, not at all.

38:49 Drew Is he not available in the way she needs him?

38:52 Best Of I think that they're both looking for different things in a relationship.

38:56 Drew They're married with a kid. They're married with a kid.

39:00 Adam All right. Hold on a second. Here's all we're saying. When a woman who's, what is she, 23? The sister. She's 23. She just got married pretty much. She just has a new child and she's getting on a plane and heading out to LA to bang around with some guys she met on the internet. That smacks of something wrong in a big way. That goes against nature. It really does for a woman, especially young woman, especially just married, especially with a young child.

39:29 Drew The young child piece is where it's off the chart.

39:31 Adam So something's really broken in her. Now, maybe if the guy's being abusive, maybe if some good looking guy blows into town and they're having some drinks or something, but not getting on a plane heading from Sacramento to LA to hook up with some fantasy man on the internet. I mean, something is really wrong with her.

39:49 Drew Yes, or this relationship, like profoundly disturbed. Right.

39:53 Adam And Selma wants to rat around, but I think, Selma, why don't you just talk to your sister?

40:00 Best Of I have.

40:01 Adam And why don't you really convince her? What is she? What is her sign? She said Terry.

40:06 Best Of It's like Drew's wife.

40:08 Adam Is that a sign of the drunken whore? What is that? I'm not familiar with those.

40:12 Best Of They're very experimental.

40:14 Adam OK.

40:14 Best Of If that's what it sounds like.

40:16 Adam Tell her experiment in the lab. She's got a kid. You understand?

40:20 Best Of Yeah.

40:20 Adam What's her kid's name?

40:22 Best Of Uh, Mildred.

40:25 Adam That's not her kid's name. Listen, goofball.

40:30 Best Of I'm not going to say her name over the radio.

40:32 Adam Well, I want you to repeat her kid's name over and over to her when you're talking to her.

40:36 Best Of Oh, crud. OK, guilt trip.

40:38 Adam All right. Yeah, of course.

40:38 Drew Guilt trip. How about just making it live to her responsibility?

40:41 Adam You two are both nutty. I know it.

40:43 Best Of I am not nutty. Am I nutty because I love you so much?

40:45 Adam Oh, wait a minute. Now she's back. Good save.

40:50 Drew You've rationalized everything. We say something about your sister and you have an explanation for it. You're not a clinically trained person.

40:57 Adam She was born in March. She's allowed to go chase a penis all over the country. Kid rots back in Sacramento. All right, we're going to take ourselves a little break and we'll be back after this.

41:12 Love Line with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

41:14 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

41:18 We'll be right back.

41:44 Adam It's Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That would be Dr. Drew over there. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Our guests tonight are from That 70s Show, Monday Nights, 8 o'clock on The Fabulous Fox. Laura Prepon is here, Wilmer Valderrama and Topher Grace, all from the good looking young portion of the cast. Drew, you'll be glad to know that I won a small victory for all people that are upset about the gift certificates today.

42:16 Drew Oh, yes.

42:16 Adam I want every year.

42:18 Drew Well, California, you can't do that, right?

42:21 Adam They can't expire.

42:22 Drew Right.

42:23 Adam Yes, people don't know that. But I have a big beef with the gift certificates because, A, I don't like the idea that you can spend 100 bucks for a gift certificate and then it can expire in a year when the company-

42:34 Caller Yeah, that doesn't make sense.

42:35 Adam Still has 400 franchises. That doesn't make sense to me. Then there's a part about they will not give you the change. If you got a 100 dollar gift certificate, you spend 95 bucks, they don't give you the five bucks back.

42:47 Caller They give you a five dollar gift certificate?

42:49 Adam They just credit it or something, but you got to go buy another CD and then plop down another 12 bucks to use up that gift certificate. So each year, the fabulous producers of Loveline, Stone Stanley, give us a gift certificate to Barneys of New York, which is bizarre because I would never- I didn't even know a place existed. To me, nothing- there's Montgomery Wards, there's JC. Penney's, then Sears, and that's when it stops, and maybe May Company, but I don't get any higher than May Company. There's Bullocks, Broadway, Saks Fifth Avenue, and if you keep going, you'll get to Barneys of New York. I was at Barneys of New York two years ago. They give us one of these every year, and a guy was wearing a leather jacket. He worked there. He said, You like this, Jacks? Yeah, it's nice. I might look into that because I felt like I had like a 500 or $1,000 gift certificate. How much is that, Jack? $3,700. Are you nuts? You're working here. How much are they paying you? So I went down to the outlet, Barneys of New York out in Camarillo today because you spend $800 in gas, but you save $145 out at the outlet store. I charged, I got it up. I had $1,000 gift certificate. I got it up to $987.24.

44:14 Drew Did you do that on purpose?

44:15 Adam No, but just random. They said, all right, you got $12.26 to play with. I said, no, I'll be taking that in cash. They said, no, we don't do that. I said, yes, you do. They said, no, we don't. And I said, listen, you got $1,000. I spent $987.24 of it. That's it. I want my 12, God damn 26. No, I'll tell you what you do. You go buy two pair of socks for $7 each pair, and then you give us $1.50. And I said, no, no, here's your options. You either find me something that's $12.26 exactly, or I want my money. And they're like, we don't do that. Yes, you do. I pick up that phone and call corporate headquarters or whatever. I got on the phone with the person. It took me an hour, but they gave me the cash. Oh, yes. Yes. What a victory. A victory for all the little people who shop at Barneys of New York.

45:16 Drew How did that go down?

45:17 Adam It went down. It went down, which is I just told them no f in way. No way. Somebody spent $1,000. They gave you $1,000. I want my $12.26. I don't give a rat's ass about your policy. If you give me a hard time, I will talk to these people who probably spend 20 grand on gift certificates every year. That is Stone Stanley and I will convince them to- Order them. I will order them. Thank you, Drew, not to give this out and then they won't. I'll talk to them and I'll make it painful. They said take the money.

45:50 Caller Yeah, that really hurts for them. We'll guess what you just said right there.

45:55 Caller Yeah, and actually this really hurts them because it's a nationally syndicated show.

45:58 Drew Yeah, thanks for mentioning their name too.

46:00 Caller But I like it.

46:01 Adam It's the game of the money. I have no qualm with them anymore. And I felt good about myself. I really did. Melanie, you're 18.

46:11 Caller Yeah.

46:11 Adam What's up?

46:13 Caller Yeah, I heard that if I pierced my clay, it would make me orgasm faster. But it's not. It's like having reverse effects. So I can't orgasm anymore.

46:24 Adam Who did it? You had a professional do it?

46:27 Caller Yeah.

46:28 Drew And who did you believe that told you that?

46:31 Caller Well, my friend Tara got it done.

46:33 Adam Yeah.

46:33 Caller So she said it was good. And so I was like, okay, cool. So I tried it.

46:38 Drew And most we ever hear is that it heightens it for a little while and then makes it worse.

46:42 Caller Oh, really? Could it have like long-term bad effects? Like when I'm like 40 and I can't work out of them?

46:48 Drew We don't know. I doubt it.

46:50 Adam Who did it? I mean, was it a guy or a girl?

46:52 Caller It was a guy.

46:53 Adam Wow. How does that work? At 18 as a girl, you pull into some, you know, head shop, some bald guy has a checkerboard tattooed on his head.

47:02 Drew A dragon around his neck?

47:03 Adam Yeah. And he's, you know, got like beads in his shlong and he just spread eagle there in the back room while he's working on your clitoris.

47:12 Caller Yeah.

47:13 Caller He told me to think of him as a gynecologist because I was all nervous.

47:17 Caller Right.

47:18 Drew He went to least 12 years of training. That's good.

47:20 Adam Think of me as a gynecologist who rides a moped, lives at home and smokes while he works.

47:26 Drew Think of me as a gynecologist? That's like misrepresentation.

47:30 Adam Yeah. Okay. Think of me as a gynecologist. I'm going to use that line. Oh, the ladies. Ladies, calm down. Think of me as a gynecologist. Now hold still.

47:41 Caller So, I don't know. Should I take it out or?

47:44 Adam Think of my penis as a tampon. That's the line I'm going to use.

47:48 Drew I would hope you would take it out.

47:51 Caller No, you did it because you thought it was going to feel better or?

47:55 Caller Yeah, and it did for like, I don't know, a while.

47:59 Drew Yeah, then it gets worth. That's what we typically hear. Well, how long has your friend had it?

48:02 Does she still have the good effects trauma or is hers going bad too?

48:06 Caller Well, she took it out like a long time ago and she puts it in occasionally, but I don't know why the hole is there.

48:12 Caller Take it out.

48:13 Adam For the look. Thanksgiving, Easter, when family comes to town.

48:16 Drew Of course.

48:17 Adam All right, get rid of it, you screwball. What the hell's wrong with everybody? All right, we're going to have a guest from that 70s show tonight. We're going to take a quick break and we'll be back after this. Welcome back to the Best of Loveline. I'm Adam. That is Dr. Drew. The Family Guy is a animated show on Fox that I really do enjoy. Only second to The Simpsons.

49:24 Drew Oh my gosh.

49:25 Adam I really think the show is funny.

49:27 Drew Anointed, Adam.

49:28 Adam And the creator and voice, or voices behind a lot of the show, Seth MacFarlane came in here along with an old friend, Alex Borstein, who I know from Mad TV, and before that, the Acme Theater. Actually, she's married to a good friend of mine. So, we're going to take some calls and they're going to do some voices. Tonight, our guest is Alex Borstein and Seth MacFarlane, both from the Family Guy, one of my favorite shows.

49:54 Caller Unacceptable.

49:58 Caller Listen to that.

49:59 Adam That would be Stewie, wouldn't it?

50:00 Caller That would be Stewie, yes.

50:02 Adam Seth, let's see, I'll get everyone caught up here. Alex, you know from Mad TV and other endeavors, Alex and I go way back, probably a good seven, maybe eight years now from the Acme Comedy Theater, where we met her husband, which sounds strange, because when I picture her husband, I picture him smoking on a 10-foot novelty PVC fashion ball that took four men to operate with a shopping cart in his bedroom and living on the third floor, fourth floor of an apartment in a shopping cart in his bedroom filled with dirty clothes.

50:44 Drew That's my boy.

50:45 Adam Oh, man. So Alex is the voice of Lois, the mother on The Family Guy and Seth is the creator, and does Peter Stewie and Brian.

50:57 Drew He's everyone else basically.

50:58 Adam Right. Peter the Family Guy and Stewie being the young infant who's gonna take over the world. And then there's Brian the dog. And I'll tell you, and this isn't ass kissing because I did an episode recently and Drew and I contributed to one a couple months back, but this is one of my favorite shows. It has been since it's been on and I laugh out loud at it.

51:26 Drew You know your receptionist there, Judy, is that her name?

51:29 Caller Which one?

51:30 Drew The one that says she's a very friend. Said her mom is a big fan of Loveline.

51:33 Caller Oh Elaine, yeah, my assistant, yeah.

51:35 Drew Her mom walked up to me and I was doing a presentation in Illinois. Oh really? How bizarre is that? Like a week later.

51:40 Adam And tried to put a shiv in him.

51:42 Drew Are you okay?

51:43 Caller Just said shoot me. That sounds like her mom.

51:47 Adam I find the show, I'm a sucker for this because I've always loved The Simpsons, but it's laugh out loud for me. It's very irreverent and it makes fun of everybody. It has a great, great edge to it. And I really, really enjoy this show. By the way. I'm going to cry.

52:08 Caller Adam, my God.

52:09 Adam And I'm glad it's back.

52:10 Caller Well, we appreciate it.

52:12 Adam I really am. I'm just a tremendous fan of it. And Seth, so you created the show. And what were you working on before this? I mean, how did you get this one in?

52:23 Caller I spent about two years working for Hanna-Barbera, the classic cartoon studio over there. And I worked on this pilot while I was there and pitched it to Fox. And what happened was they said, all right, we'll give you a small budget to produce a pilot. So it basically meant spending six months animating this thing at home and pitching it to him at the end of six months, showing him the footage. And they bought 13 episodes. So it was relatively fast, I guess, by some standards.

52:55 Caller Who helped make it happen?

52:56 Caller Oh, come on.

52:57 Caller Who helped?

52:59 Caller Alex.

53:01 Oh, sad stuff.

53:02 Adam You don't draw any of the characters, do you, Seth?

53:05 Caller I do, actually.

53:06 Adam Oh, my God. What a ball of talent this guy is.

53:09 Caller Oh, come on, come on.

53:10 Adam Really, he does seven-eighths of the voices, or I should say four-fifths of the voices, and produces the thing, and the characters then are yours. I mean, you drew all the characters.

53:23 Drew Adam, you should be ashamed of yourself, calling yourself a genius.

53:25 Adam I know.

53:26 Caller You're ashamed of yourself.

53:28 Caller Oh, God. Can I tell them what you did for us? Can I? Sure. What the hell? Rarely do I laugh out loud. It's, you know, we work these long hours. Adam came in and did the voice of death for an episode that we just recorded, and this man is hysterical. Let me tell you.

53:48 Caller Death as in the Grim Reaper.

53:49 Caller Yes, as in the Grim Reaper, as in the cow of the size.

53:52 Adam You hear that, Drew?

53:53 Drew You're hysterical as death.

53:55 Adam Yes. That's right.

53:57 Drew When you kill an audience, it has a different meaning.

54:00 Adam I do it with a sickle. And when will that air? Because I have done a lot of shows, and I've had some success, but this would be the biggest feather in my cap since Space Coast.

54:13 Caller Space Coast, Coast to Coast? Oh, yeah.

54:15 Drew We enjoyed that.

54:16 Caller There you go.

54:16 Adam Yeah, but this will be even better. This is bigger.

54:20 Caller This takes us about 33 weeks to produce each one of these episodes.

54:24 Caller That's like you're talking like baby. What is that like real?

54:27 Adam Four years.

54:27 Caller Is it like nine months?

54:28 Caller I have never figured that out. I've never done the math.

54:30 Adam So 33 weeks is like six and a half, six months, something like that?

54:34 Caller Something like that, yeah, yeah, at least.

54:37 Adam I'll tell you, I love this show and I hope I'm around to see it. Alex, now, so I did this with Seth last week and then the week before, Alex came over and helped us by doing the voice of Rosie O'Donnell who was trapped in the well.

54:53 Drew Oh my God, this is too funny.

54:54 Caller Did you see the footage of that?

54:56 Caller You know, I saw a bit of it before we had to go. It's so funny.

54:59 Adam It's floating around in my car.

55:02 Drew I actually watched Loveline for the first time in about six months and saw another one of your genius inventions, which was displayed, or at least discussed on the show, which was the projection screen for love making, where you project television onto a woman's forehead.

55:18 Adam Oh, the pornography?

55:19 Drew Yeah, if you wanted pornography, that's what.

55:21 Adam Right, or if you needed a little help, some Vietnam footage or something. That's great.

55:25 Drew Hey, Vern, it's Ernest. Could we be up there waving at you?

55:27 Adam Oh, he's dead.

55:28 Caller Yeah, but old footage.

55:31 Adam My partner, Jimmy Kimmel, when we were in Aspen, he opens up a Hollywood Reporter. It says, what the hell is the guy's name who plays the Hey Vern guy? Jim Varney. Jim Varney dies at age 50. He died? Yeah, he died. He died? He died like three weeks ago. My partner shows me the obituary and he goes, Ernest goes to hell and starts laughing like a mad man. I hope none of his family is listening to him. All right, the family guy. Support this show. It's one of my favorites. Leah?

56:08 Best Of Hi.

56:08 Adam You're 22. What's up?

56:10 Best Of Well, I've been trying to use the rhythm method and I've been doing some reading on it and I read that multi-orgasmic women is less dependable. Do you know anything about that?

56:22 Adam I never heard that.

56:23 Drew I wouldn't rely on it for anything, no matter what.

56:26 Best Of This is from the Planned Parenthood book. It was written just last year.

56:29 Drew That may be true. I just wouldn't rely on it. I'm not entirely clear why that would be the case.

56:34 Adam Well, I think that it's one of those things they put in there just because they figure you're the type is going to be using it more than anybody else and we're going to try to dissuade you the best way we can.

56:44 Drew That's nice.

56:45 Adam Well, it's probably true. I mean, think about it.

56:48 Drew Why would rhythm, why would orgasmic frequency have anything to do with it?

56:52 Adam How's it been working for you?

56:53 Caller Throws the rhythm off, I suppose.

56:55 Adam Been working good?

56:56 Best Of Yeah, I've been using it for six months and I'm not pregnant.

56:58 Adam Wait, you've only had four abortions?

57:01 Best Of No, no, not on that so far.

57:03 Adam And how, I mean, you can get real scientific about it if you start measuring temperatures and things, right?

57:11 Best Of Yeah, there's a lot of different ways and you can dab your finger in your goo and see what color it is. Your goo? That's supposed to be another way.

57:17 Caller Oh my god, mom. If you have goo, there may be some other issue.

57:21 Adam Yeah, but there's not much science behind this.

57:24 Drew No, there is.

57:25 Adam No, there is, but Leah's not using it.

57:27 Drew Well, she does. It's unreliable. Why don't you use a more reliable means?

57:32 Best Of I'm going to try orthotriphyclinic next time. I was on triphasol and it was fine for about a year, but then it was, I was dried up. I had no sexual response, which is really strange for me.

57:42 Drew Why not use some, why go back on a triphasic then?

57:46 Best Of Why go, go back on triphasol?

57:48 Drew Why go back on a triphasic pill? Why not try something very different?

57:52 Best Of Well, my gynecologist recommended orthotriphyclinic.

57:55 Drew All right. Okay.

57:56 Adam Hey, Leah.

57:57 Best Of Yeah.

57:57 Adam As far as your googos, do they have like a color wheel or swatches? How do you know what to compare it to? I mean, would you want to hold it next to a paint chip or something?

58:08 Caller If you can spread it on a ritz, then it's time.

58:11 Best Of They say that if it's clear and if you can stretch it between your fingers, that's your most fertile time.

58:15 Drew It's this.

58:17 Adam I see.

58:18 Drew Is that the spin bark height? Do they call it that?

58:20 Adam So if it doesn't do that, I mean, if you fling it against a chain link fence and it makes it to the rung under it without breaking, that means no getting bent over the teeter totter.

58:33 Drew That's right.

58:34 Adam All right.

58:35 Best Of Yeah, you're super fertile then.

58:36 Adam All right. Good luck with that.

58:39 Caller Thanks.

58:39 Best Of Family Guy is a great show.

58:40 Caller Oh, thank you.

58:41 Caller Oh, good.

58:42 Caller I wish I knew what triphasic meant.

58:44 Drew That's a pill with more than two hormones in it.

58:47 Caller Yeah, and the triphasic sensors are off-line.

58:50 Adam Nick?

58:51 Hi.

58:51 Adam You're 14.

58:52 Caller Yes. My problem is I have an overly-sized penis, and I'm, like, afraid of that.

59:00 I'm a big boy.

59:01 Adam You're 14.

59:03 Caller Yes.

59:04 Adam And how big is it?

59:05 Caller Like, 10 inches?

59:06 Adam No, it's not.

59:08 Caller No, it depends.

59:09 Adam Well, it depends on what? Whether you're using the metric or standard side of the ruler? What does it depend on?

59:17 Caller You know, well, erection.

59:19 Adam Oh, I see. Oh, well, erect. Well, please. I mean, 14. Yeah, I was like nine and three quarters at 14 erect. Yeah, I thought you were talking about flaccid. Oh, you're talking about erect. Yeah, that's different. Yeah, that's average.

59:35 Caller OK.

59:35 Adam Yeah, it should get up to about 14, 15 by the time you get in your early 20s.

59:39 Caller OK.

59:41 Adam Nick? Is it really 10 inches when it's erect? Because if it if it is, I'm going to have to kill you.

59:47 Caller Yeah. And it scares girls away.

59:51 Adam It scares girls away.

59:53 Caller Yeah, I think it's weird.

59:54 Adam Hey, Nick.

59:56 Caller Yeah.

59:56 Adam How many gals have seen your erect penis?

59:59 Caller About three.

1:00:00 Adam Three outside of the family. Yeah.

1:00:04 Drew All right there, Nick.

1:00:06 Adam Listen, listen, all you idiots. When you do the bogus call, fine, but try to keep it within the realm of possibilities.

1:00:14 Drew Make it interesting.

1:00:15 Adam Well, if you call, if you call in it as a 14 year old guy and say, I measured my penis yesterday. It's eight and a quarter inches.

1:00:25 Drew I'm freaked out.

1:00:26 Adam And I'm kind of freaked out. And I know people think it's funny, but I'm pretty serious about this. I don't want it to get in the way. Then we'll believe you. But if you just go 10, flaccid especially, it's not quite as believable.

1:00:38 Caller It's not that outrageous.

1:00:42 Adam Russell?

1:00:43 Caller Yeah?

1:00:43 Adam You're 15? What's up?

1:00:46 Caller Well, I think it's called a calitrition or something.

1:00:51 Caller It's that thing where you get it cut and-

1:00:54 Drew What is going on tonight?

1:00:55 Adam I don't know.

1:00:56 Caller You know what I'm saying here-

1:00:57 Adam I've said it a thousand times. I would match our callers against the stupidity of any callers in any show, national or local.

1:01:05 Drew By the way, Seth, Adam's always making fun of your name.

1:01:07 Caller I should know that.

1:01:08 Adam I wanna know. Here's all I've said about Seth, the name Seth. Once in a while, when we do these college tours, I've been known to do my gay aptitude test because a lot of guys don't know if they're gay and I decided to quantify it. And so it works on a point system. You know, if you have shoes with tassels, give yourself five points. If they have buckles, give yourself, you know, ten points. What are some of the other ones? If you've named your own penis, deduct ten points, a very masculine thing to do. But if you've named it Seth, then add 15.

1:01:42 Caller Oh man, I'll figure that one out on the way home.

1:01:44 Drew Actually, he says-

1:01:44 Adam Actually, if you've named your roommate's penis, that'll get you points too. Sorry.

1:01:50 Caller Alex just pointed out the cough button to me, which is probably something you could utilize. Yeah.

1:01:55 Adam Brandy?

1:01:56 Caller Yes.

1:01:57 Adam You're 15?

1:01:58 Caller No.

1:01:58 Adam Oh, I'm sorry. You're 17. What's that?

1:02:00 Caller Right.

1:02:01 Drew What's going on?

1:02:02 Caller I was calling because I'm more attracted to people who are older than I am.

1:02:06 Drew How much older?

1:02:07 Caller Well, there is one guy who is 24, and then another, he was about 28.

1:02:13 Drew Do you do anything with these attractions?

1:02:15 Caller Well, one of them, yes. The other one, no, but-

1:02:18 Drew See, we don't really have any problem with you being attracted to older guys. We don't understand why that would be the case. The problem is the guy that would respond to you having overtures toward him is the problem. The guy that would engage with you is a disturbed guy.

1:02:34 Adam Yes.

1:02:35 Drew Especially if you're under 18.

1:02:36 Adam Not to be trusted, unless he's a producer. Then it's fine. Right, Troy? Didn't we discuss that once?

1:02:42 Drew You've said it many times.

1:02:43 Adam I don't want to make any enemies. Which guy are you going with, the 24 or the 28?

1:02:48 Caller Well, neither now, but I just noticed, really, that I'm more attracted to people older than I am and I was just worrying, maybe.

1:02:55 Adam Which one did you have something going with?

1:02:57 Caller The 28-year-old.

1:02:58 Adam Perfect. And where did you scrape him up?

1:03:02 Caller I worked with him.

1:03:03 Adam Oh, boy.

1:03:04 Drew Why don't you ask the usual questions?

1:03:06 Adam Me?

1:03:07 Drew Yeah.

1:03:07 Adam All right. Where's your dad?

1:03:11 Drew How far away is he?

1:03:12 Adam Where is he? Do you know where he is?

1:03:14 Caller Yeah.

1:03:14 Adam Where?

1:03:15 Caller Well, he's sleeping right now.

1:03:16 Adam In prison? At your house?

1:03:20 Caller Yeah.

1:03:20 Adam Does he not pay enough attention to you?

1:03:22 Caller Well, he drinks a lot.

1:03:23 Adam There we go. There you go. All right. Well, that's it.

1:03:27 Caller Well.

1:03:27 Adam We have our answer.

1:03:28 Caller I mean, I know there's a lot of problems at home, but I don't know. I'd just rather be attracted to people my age.

1:03:34 Adam Okay.

1:03:34 Drew You'd rather be attracted to people your age?

1:03:36 Caller But I'm not. So how can I change that?

1:03:39 Adam Well, why don't you go to Allateen or something?

1:03:41 Drew I've been doing, yeah, Allateen is a great way to do that. That will settle some of these impulses down. And how about sort of looking at what you're doing and stepping back from it and making better choices? Just because you have those attractions doesn't mean you have to act on them.

1:03:53 Do you socialize with people your own age?

1:03:55 Drew Oh, yeah. And understand where these attractions come from. They come from the unfinished trauma that your dad has inflicted, the lack of availability, the need to sort of reconnect with somebody that reminds you of him. Okay.

1:04:08 Adam All right. You're liable to get caught up with the guy who does some drinking, too.

1:04:12 Drew Absolutely.

1:04:14 Adam Where's my bourbon? So you better watch out for that, all right?

1:04:17 Drew All right.

1:04:18 Adam All right, Brandy. So here's the deal. If you want to do something, don't do it.

1:04:23 Drew And go to Allotin.

1:04:23 Adam If you're attracted to a guy, don't date him.

1:04:25 Drew Don't trust it.

1:04:26 Caller Okay.

1:04:27 Adam There you go.

1:04:27 Caller Hey, family guy.

1:04:28 Adam That goes for all of you unless you're attracted to me. What, Brandy?

1:04:31 Caller Family guy? That's a great show.

1:04:32 Caller Oh, thank you very much.

1:04:33 Caller I think the baby and the dog is the best.

1:04:36 Caller Well, you're very sweet.

1:04:37 Adam Seth does them both. Come on, give us a little shot of Stewie and Brandy.

1:04:41 Caller He's going to sound nothing like him.

1:04:43 Caller Unacceptable.

1:04:44 Caller All right. This is a Stewie line we did from up coming episode.

1:04:49 Caller Seth's got a little cold.

1:04:50 Caller A little bit of a cold.

1:04:53 Caller You know, Lois is rather a pain in my ass. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, my God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be homosexual?

1:05:07 Drew There we are.

1:05:10 Caller Stewie with a Stewie with a bad, bad side.

1:05:12 Adam Oh, I love that. And it is just just just a quick shot of Peter so people can realize. Quick shot of Peter. You got to give me a quick shot of something else before I give you a shot of Peter. It's like a different guy.

1:05:26 Drew You should be ashamed of yourself. That is talent.

1:05:30 Adam I do me. I do me tired and me extra tired.

1:05:33 Caller You do it beautifully. You do it beautifully.

1:05:35 Adam Thank you. I mean, Daniel.

1:05:38 Caller Yes.

1:05:38 Adam You're forty six. Oh, what's up with you?

1:05:43 Caller I just wondered if you'd pull on your penis that you would make it maybe longer.

1:05:51 Adam Sure. Temporarily. You know, and then you let go and snaps right back. Hang it from the window shade.

1:05:58 Caller Hang it from the parallel bars or something?

1:06:00 Adam Yeah. Oh, hold on, by the way, I got to talk to Seth. There's a few things that are missing from today's sitcom and or cartoon. I'd like to see you work on some upcoming script.

1:06:12 Caller What do you got?

1:06:13 Adam One is that like the window shade thing. You know, where you yank on the person's tongue, pull it way back, then let it go.

1:06:20 Caller Oh my God. I just got that like the player piano thing going.

1:06:23 Adam Yeah. Yeah. I would like to see some of that.

1:06:24 Caller You want that? All right, we'll see what you can do.

1:06:26 Adam I'd like to see some souffle humor. Now here's what I'm talking about.

1:06:30 Drew All right.

1:06:31 Caller Yeah. You lost me there.

1:06:32 Adam Okay. Remember in 70s sitcoms, maybe even 60s, Bewitched, ones like that, Brady Bunch. They'd be cooking, Alice would be cooking a souffle at the beginning of Act 1. The kids would come running into the kitchen and slam the door and she'd go, Oh my God. Oh my God. She turned the light on in the oven. The souffle has not fallen. In Act 2, someone would break a vase and she'd go running to the oven. The souffle has still not fallen. But by Act 3, something would happen. That souffle would go down.

1:07:07 Drew A flea would sneeze and that would do it. A tiny event would take it down.

1:07:12 Adam We want the window shade spinning.

1:07:14 Caller Okay, window shade spinning.

1:07:14 Adam Player piano thing humor.

1:07:15 Caller The souffle humor. The suspenseful souffle.

1:07:19 Adam I'd also like to hear some Benedict Arnold humor.

1:07:22 Caller Reference.

1:07:23 Adam Reference worked into it.

1:07:25 Caller Benedict Arnold, The Traitor?

1:07:26 Adam Yeah, like when people, like again in Brady Bunch or whatever, when they go, you Benedict Arnold.

1:07:32 Caller That always struck me as the most ridiculous thing in the world that he was ostracized by his classmates, Peter Brady, for playing Benedict Arnold in the class play.

1:07:41 Adam Well, they-

1:07:41 Caller Can you actually see that happening?

1:07:43 Adam They not only made one of their characters play Benedict Arnold in play, but there's many other references to Benedict Arnold, and not only the Brady Bunch, but in many sitcoms from the 70s.

1:07:53 Drew And so many, they decided to dedicate an episode to it.

1:07:56 Adam Right. And now, you never see Benedict Arnold comedy anymore. So, I'd like you to bring that back.

1:08:01 Caller The days when kids talk like a 50s government propaganda film.

1:08:05 Adam Right.

1:08:05 Caller That's edgy.

1:08:06 Adam All right. So, Souffle humor, Benedict Arnold humor. Oh, one more thing that's missing from sitcoms. You know, when they get an argument, like the two people sharing the room or sharing the apartment, so they go, fine, fine. Well, it's half my apartment. Well, it's half my- Well, let's split it right down the middle. They take that tape and they go right down the middle of the apartment. Sure enough, the one guy whose idea it was has to use the bathroom immediately. Well, you can't use it because it's on my side. Can you work that in?

1:08:37 Caller I think maybe we can-

1:08:39 Adam Work the splitting in.

1:08:40 Caller We can look into it. We can look into it.

1:08:42 Adam Okay. I'm just saying-

1:08:43 Caller And if we refuse?

1:08:45 Adam I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just asking.

1:08:48 Best Of That's all.

1:08:49 Eric?

1:08:51 Caller Yeah.

1:08:51 Caller Hi.

1:08:52 Adam Eric, you're 18. What's up?

1:08:53 Caller Okay.

1:08:54 Drew Oh, boy.

1:08:55 Caller I got a-

1:08:56 Adam Wait a minute. We didn't talk to the last guy with the-

1:08:59 Drew Stretching penis?

1:09:00 Adam Yeah. Which guy was he? Three? Hold on there, Eric. Daniel?

1:09:03 Caller Yes.

1:09:03 Adam All right. So you're 46. You want to know about the penis stretching?

1:09:07 Caller Yes. Drew said that there's a tendon in there. I just wondered if that tendon could be enlarged?

1:09:17 Drew No.

1:09:18 Adam What about those people that hang weights off it and get that length?

1:09:22 Drew Yeah. You can certainly stretch out the soft tissues. Then when you get an erection, what you have is the erection you had before, now with like a little soft elephant trunk.

1:09:30 Adam Sounds like you pull the tube sock halfway off your foot.

1:09:33 Drew Yeah. A little elephant trunk hanging off the tip.

1:09:35 Adam I can use that.

1:09:36 Caller You pull the penis out, it snaps back, does a player piano thing. There you go.

1:09:39 Adam With the supply.

1:09:41 Caller I got a news bulletin for, I guess what your name is.

1:09:47 Caller Adam.

1:09:48 Caller Adam.

1:09:48 Adam Yeah, OK. Big fan of the show.

1:09:51 Caller I'm sorry.

1:09:52 Adam All right.

1:09:53 Caller It's the first time I've been on radio. Are you, yeah. But anyway, did you hear about the news about the lady that had the largest breast in the whole wide world?

1:10:05 Adam Oh, dying? Yeah. Ferrari.

1:10:08 Caller Yeah.

1:10:09 Adam In Europe. Yeah. Somebody in my office.

1:10:12 Caller Seventy-one inches.

1:10:14 Adam Somebody brought that to my tension today at my desk. How old was she? I don't know how old she was. Her breasts were four and a half years old, though. I don't know how old she was, but she died. She was 30. Thirty? Yeah. You hate to see that happen.

1:10:29 Caller They said on the radio that she might have got suffocated.

1:10:32 Adam Oh, please. Don't mock the large breast in, please. Daniel, you're 46 years old.

1:10:39 Caller Yeah.

1:10:40 Adam What do you do for a living?

1:10:42 Caller I work at a shoulder workshop. I'm totally blind.

1:10:45 Adam Are you?

1:10:46 Caller Remember that thing you said the other day, that to play with it too much, you go blind?

1:10:51 Adam Oh, please. Listen, I'd make fun of you, but I feel sorry for you.

1:10:55 Caller Oh, that's okay.

1:10:56 If you're blind, though, how much can you care about how long your penis is?

1:11:01 Caller Mine's four inches.

1:11:02 Adam Oh, boy.

1:11:03 Caller I'm a small guy.

1:11:04 Adam Yeah.

1:11:04 Caller I'm only four foot ten inches tall.

1:11:07 Caller Well, then it's huge if you're four ten.

1:11:09 Adam Right. It's all relative.

1:11:11 Drew Is there any genetic problems, any chronic illness or anything?

1:11:16 Caller I got a kind of depression kind of thing. I just changed over medicine. That made me feel better.

1:11:25 Drew Okay, good.

1:11:25 Adam All right, Daniel. You keep going to work, keep pulling your penis, keep your feet on the ground, keep your head up in the clouds, and keep your penis attached to some device that stretches it.

1:11:37 Caller I just want to watch your time schedule there. My... where I'm at is...

1:11:41 Adam Hey, Daniel.

1:11:42 Caller The music's already on.

1:11:43 Adam Daniel. Where are you calling from?

1:11:45 Caller Ohio.

1:11:46 Adam All right. I have no idea. All right. The beauty of me and Drew is we're on in, I don't know, 65 cities. We couldn't tell you... We couldn't tell you 10 of them.

1:11:57 Caller No.

1:11:58 Adam Could we?

1:11:58 Caller No.

1:11:59 Adam And have no idea where any of the callers are coming from, are calling from. Do we know?

1:12:04 Caller No.

1:12:04 Adam You know what? I think it's the biggest yank off in radio. These guys, they get a syndicated show and they go, Tupelo, you're on the air. West of the Rockies, you're on. And they'll tell you who and where everyone is calling from constantly and then it just becomes this sort of prerequisite when you do a national radio show to talk about where everyone is calling from. But our thing has always been who cares where they're calling from and we don't know and it doesn't say up on the screen and once in a while it comes up but it just seems like they're kind of yanking themselves off.

1:12:37 Caller I don't think you're going to go small penis. Ohio, well, there you go.

1:12:41 Adam Yeah, I got a urologist friend of mine who's living out in the Buckeye state and he could probably swing by. Eric?

1:12:51 Caller Yeah, hi.

1:12:52 Adam You're 18?

1:12:53 Caller Yeah.

1:12:54 Adam We're going to take ourselves a break but your question is your girlfriend says her nipples will grow if you suck on them?

1:12:59 Caller That's right.

1:13:00 Adam All right.

1:13:00 Caller That's what her friends have been telling her.

1:13:02 Drew That's what Adam's been telling his girlfriends quite sometimes.

1:13:04 Adam That's right. Except for I substitute nipple for what, Drew?

1:13:07 Drew Bank account.

1:13:08 Adam Penis. Come on, you idiot. No, their bank account will grow.

1:13:13 Drew Right.

1:13:14 Adam Very smart, Drew. Drew made, even though it was half a joke, it was still considered an attempted comedy. I'm going to give you credit for that, Drew.

1:13:21 Caller I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it.

1:13:23 Caller We all enjoyed it.

1:13:25 Adam All right. Seth MacFarlane and Alex Borstein are both here from the Family Guide.

1:13:30 Caller We're about to get funky, yo.

1:13:32 This is Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191. We'll be right back.

1:14:09 Adam Welcome back to the Best of Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. He is Dr. Drew Darryl Hammond from Saturday Night Live, the guy who does Every Voice Under the Sun is in tonight, and he's endlessly amusing.

1:14:19 Drew He really is.

1:14:20 Adam And talented. He has that one thing that you and I don't possess, Drew.

1:14:25 Drew It's glaringly obvious.

1:14:26 Adam Yeah, you know what it is?

1:14:28 Drew Talent.

1:14:28 Adam That's right. There, I'm touching my nose, if anyone's playing charades at home.

1:14:34 Caller Were you ever a jock, a disc jockey?

1:14:36 Adam No. No, I'm from Saturday Night Live. And this is my only radio job.

1:14:42 Caller How dare you?

1:14:45 Adam How dare you, Darryl?

1:14:46 Caller What?

1:14:47 Adam My name is Adam Corolla. I'm a funny, funny, funny man.

1:14:52 Caller I did that. I did an overnight shift once.

1:14:55 Adam You did?

1:14:55 Caller Yeah, and I practiced trying to learn how to be a jock. It was terrible. Where at? Vero Beach, Florida.

1:15:02 Adam When you said, did it once, you mean for a few months?

1:15:05 Caller Yeah, for a few months, and I was really bad at it.

1:15:10 Adam Was it always a goal of yours to get on radio?

1:15:14 Caller I wanted to do voices for a living, and so I needed a recording studio to make my tapes, and I needed to make a lot of tapes to send out a lot. So I got an overnight position first pushing buttons, and then later actually doing the weather, and then actually being a jock.

1:15:34 Adam And what were some of your earliest impressions of voices? Were they voices or were they impressions?

1:15:42 Caller I did Pee Wee Herman. That was like one of my first ones, Eddie Murphy, you know?

1:15:51 Adam Give us a little taste of those.

1:15:53 Caller Oh, Pee Wee Herman, let's see. I used to do Pee Wee Herman on Dynasty.

1:15:57 Look, Alexis, I like you.

1:15:59 Caller Like you. Like you.

1:16:02 The things about me don't want to know, Alexis.

1:16:04 Caller Things you shouldn't know.

1:16:06 Things you could know. Let me see. Let me think. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait. I'm a rebel. A loner.

1:16:11 Caller Ha ha.

1:16:14 Caller I like you. Like you.

1:16:15 Adam Why is it so funny? There's something that's so inherently funny about that. If, you know, Paul Rubens was sitting here doing it, I wouldn't be laughing. But if someone who's doing it and sounding like 99 percent of it, it's hysterical. All right. And what about a little Eddie Murphy?

1:16:33 Caller Eddie Murphy. I met Eddie Murphy once and he came up to me and he said, I just want to say your stuff is freakish. That's what he said. Your stuff is freakish. But the way he said it was he goes, and then he laughed. He did his laugh. So he said it like, I just want to say your stuff is freakish, really.

1:16:59 Caller Just freakish, really.

1:17:03 Caller I'm like, wow, that's awesome. He goes, well, no, with the Jesse Jackson and the no in the hand of the thing.

1:17:09 Adam Give us a little Jesse Jackson.

1:17:11 Caller Ask me any question and I'll give you a Jackson-esque response.

1:17:15 Adam All right. You're familiar with the Million Man March and just the last Mother's Day, they had the Million Mom March. Is that a rip-off in any way? Do you feel slighted? Does it take away from your achievement as a Million Man March?

1:17:31 Caller We must separate the cream from the coffee. A, to combat the deficit, I've taken a position in the Middle East, and never become in the position of the day. Blacks have not seen a good time under Reagan. I have not run negative ads in Jibbity Jibbity and Ratatatat.

1:17:54 Adam Did you do Maya Angelou, too, on Saturday Night Live?

1:17:58 Caller That was Tracy Morgan. It was a really good Maya Angelou.

1:18:01 Adam It, yeah, yeah, because he really is black.

1:18:03 Caller He really does it so well.

1:18:05 Adam Yeah, I was, again, I just sort of remember seeing it recently and I figured anyone who did an impersonation was you, but then it was Tracy Morgan. Well, who else do I want to hear from Saturday Night Live? I mean, Jesse Jackson never gets all the course, there's Clinton, but there's a lot more that I'm not thinking of.

1:18:24 Caller There's a lot that I did one time. I just learned, I had a few days to learn it. I mean, like Richard Dreyfuss.

1:18:32 Adam Oh, yeah. Richard Dreyfuss, you did, didn't you, was that on a game show or?

1:18:40 Caller It was a Joe Pesci show.

1:18:43 Adam And where he beats the crap out of everyone with a bat?

1:18:46 Yeah.

1:18:47 Adam Yeah, give me a little Richard Dreyfuss. I love him.

1:18:49 Caller Okay, I used to warm up with the speech from Jaws, one of his speeches from Jaws, so I'll just do that, okay?

1:18:56 Adam Right.

1:18:56 All right. Mr. Vaughn, Mr. Vaughn, what we're dealing with here is an eating machine, a miracle, a revolution. All this machine does is eat and sleep and make little sharks, and that's all.

1:19:11 Caller I don't think you understand our problems.

1:19:15 I think I understand a little bit about your problems, that you're going to let it swim up behind you and bite you in the ass.

1:19:26 Caller Let's give on. Yeah.

1:19:31 Caller There's a lot of voices I only did once.

1:19:35 Adam Let's see. How about Sean Connery?

1:19:39 Caller I did Sean Connery a couple of times.

1:19:44 Adam Who did you do on the game show?

1:19:45 Caller Actually, I did Sean Connery on Jeopardy. I did.

1:19:48 Adam Yeah. Can you give us a little Sean as long as we're on a roll here?

1:19:52 Caller Oh, alright. Sean Connery. Let's see.

1:19:55 Let's see.

1:19:56 Caller Let's see.

1:19:57 Caller Capone.

1:19:58 I've got to get down there.

1:19:59 Caller We've got to work this new teeth in of his.

1:20:02 Caller Capone pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He puts one of yours in the hospital, you put one of his in the morgue. That's the Chicago way.

1:20:12 Caller How's that?

1:20:13 Adam That was excellent. Perfect. Yeah. Not the defiant ones. What am I thinking about?

1:20:19 Caller The Untouchables.

1:20:20 Adam The Untouchables. That's right.

1:20:21 Caller Hey, Melissa.

1:20:22 Adam Hey. Hey, you're 17. What's going on?

1:20:25 Caller Well, I've had this boyfriend for a while. I trust him and I love him, but I'm scared of him.

1:20:32 Caller Why?

1:20:33 Caller I really don't know.

1:20:35 Caller I don't know if I have issues and I want to try to figure it out.

1:20:38 Caller You're scared of him on physically? Am I allowed to talk?

1:20:42 Drew Yes. Sure.

1:20:43 Adam Only it's Jesse Jackson.

1:20:45 Caller Let's separate the cream from the coffee. Okay, go ahead.

1:20:48 Drew I'm sorry.

1:20:50 Caller Sometimes physically, I'm scared to get intimate with him and stuff, but then sometimes also emotionally, I'm scared to let him get close to me.

1:20:58 Drew At 17, that's normal to have ambivalence about being open and intimate.

1:21:03 Adam How old is he?

1:21:04 Caller He's 17 as well.

1:21:06 Adam I see.

1:21:07 Drew But is this fear you have him something real? Is he an aggressive guy? No, no.

1:21:13 Caller He's really passive and he won't fight back.

1:21:18 Adam I see.

1:21:18 Drew Try to provoke him?

1:21:19 Adam Try as you might.

1:21:21 Caller Not really. When we get an argument, he won't.

1:21:24 Adam Yeah. Drew's wife has the same problem with him. Is you okay with guys in general?

1:21:31 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:21:32 Adam You like them, no one did you wrong?

1:21:33 Caller Oh, no, no, no.

1:21:34 Adam Daddy was good?

1:21:35 Caller Yeah, real good.

1:21:36 Adam All right. Well, you got to get over it then.

1:21:39 Caller Hey, is it too late to beg you to do the lightning round?

1:21:43 Caller Yes.

1:21:44 Adam I might be able to squeeze that in.

1:21:45 Caller I love the lightning round.

1:21:47 Adam Do you?

1:21:47 Caller It makes me laugh so hard.

1:21:49 Adam Well, thank you. You're one of the minority who enjoys that.

1:21:54 Caller Oh, not even.

1:21:55 Adam Oh, really?

1:21:55 Caller We talk about it at school and everyone loves it.

1:21:58 Adam Well, I normally don't do it with a guest on hand because it's something I do to fill the time. But maybe I can slide into a little lightning round and Darryl can call on his overnight shift experience to do a little can DJ.

1:22:15 Caller Yeah, even just for a little bit.

1:22:16 Adam Yeah, we'll do a little dueling lightning round.

1:22:19 Caller Tell me, what are we doing?

1:22:20 Adam Well, it's basically I get the cowbell out and slide into the over-the-top DJ.

1:22:26 Caller Oh, you do?

1:22:27 Adam And we burn through some calls.

1:22:29 Caller Yeah.

1:22:29 Caller That's right.

1:22:30 Adam And I think Darryl could play along with this, I'd say.

1:22:34 Caller All right.

1:22:34 Adam So we'll do that in about 5, 10 minutes or so. Let's first talk to Dylan. Dylan?

1:22:40 Caller Yeah.

1:22:41 Adam All right. So you make out with your girlfriend with your clothes on.

1:22:46 Caller Yeah.

1:22:46 Adam And you want to know if she can get pregnant?

1:22:48 Caller Yeah.

1:22:50 Adam Is your fly open?

1:22:51 Caller No.

1:22:52 Adam No?

1:22:53 Drew I don't understand even the question.

1:22:55 Caller Well, I mean, like, could the semen or sperm kind of get through to clothes?

1:23:02 Drew I don't see how.

1:23:05 Caller She was kind of worried about that.

1:23:07 Adam I don't see how. So you mean if it soaked through your jeans and then you put your jeans in her, could she get pregnant?

1:23:16 Caller Something like that.

1:23:17 Adam Well, are you having an orgasm or are you just leaking?

1:23:21 Caller Leaking.

1:23:21 Adam You're leaking.

1:23:22 Drew Oh, no. Forget it. Come on.

1:23:24 Adam Ma'am, you're all right. What's going on with you two, though? You don't take your clothes off?

1:23:29 Caller No, we haven't had sex yet.

1:23:33 Adam Yeah, but you can still take clothes off sometimes, can't you?

1:23:38 Caller Or mom's always home, so.

1:23:39 Adam I see. You gotta keep your clothes on. You just have a big puddle in your pants when you leave the house. That's nice.

1:23:45 Caller I wear long shirts.

1:23:47 Adam All right. All right, Dylan. Listen, when you do have sex, you gotta use some birth control, right?

1:23:52 Caller Please.

1:23:53 Adam Yeah. And you cannot use the withdrawal method because you're a leaker. All right.

1:23:59 Caller I didn't know I fell under a category.

1:24:01 Adam You certainly do. You're the king of the leakers. You understand?

1:24:07 Caller Oh, thank you.

1:24:08 Adam All right. So you cannot pull out. All right. You must wear a condom. Do you understand?

1:24:12 Caller Uh-huh. All right.

1:24:14 Adam Have fun.

1:24:14 Caller Okay.

1:24:15 Caller Thank you.

1:24:15 Adam And who does your laundry?

1:24:17 Caller My dad.

1:24:18 Adam Oh, that must be a wonderful experience for him.

1:24:22 Caller Well, I kind of clean it before he does.

1:24:23 Adam You clean it up? Good. There's nothing more humiliating for a father than doing a son's laundry and having to break the corduroys over his knee to get them into the washing machine.

1:24:35 Drew Break.

1:24:36 Adam So you're going to take a break?

1:24:37 Drew We're going to break.

1:24:37 Adam Let me just talk to someone. James?

1:24:39 Caller Huh?

1:24:40 Adam You're 15?

1:24:41 Caller Yes.

1:24:41 Adam You have wet dreams about girls other than your girlfriend?

1:24:44 Caller Yeah, I want to know if it's normal.

1:24:46 Adam Perfectly normal.

1:24:47 Drew Yeah, why is that even bother you?

1:24:49 Caller Yeah, it's because like, you know, that sometimes my girlfriend sleeps over here without my parents knowing. And it's just that I find it very uncomfortable and I haven't told her about it. And I was wondering if I should talk to her.

1:25:03 Drew That you're having dreams about other women?

1:25:05 Adam Yeah. Oh, buddy.

1:25:07 Drew Keep that to yourself, James.

1:25:08 Adam Yeah. You got a lot to learn. You should never share honest thoughts with your mate. You understand me? Never. Only come. Yeah, here's the deal.

1:25:19 Drew Can't have a gay male do that at least?

1:25:21 Adam No.

1:25:21 Drew Can't share?

1:25:22 Adam No.

1:25:23 Drew Because men can handle it.

1:25:25 Adam Yeah, a gay guy could do that. Yeah. Because his partner is thinking about one of the guys from friends while he's getting blown by the other guy. Or possibly you, Dr. Drew. Possibly you. But here's what I'm saying. Here's the deal with women. You know that adage, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all? That's good with the ladies. Just give them the compliments and save all the beefs, all the thoughts, all those things. People always talk about, you should be honest in a relationship. It's important to communicate. All that nonsense out the window. Believe me, it took me a long time to figure that out. Just say the happy thoughts and bury the bad ones. Right, Drew?

1:26:13 Caller Don't even talk to them if you can help it, right?

1:26:15 Adam Yeah, that's why I like a nice oriental gal. Someone right off the boat.

1:26:21 Caller Someone that you can quote song lyrics from Elton John and claim they're yours.

1:26:25 Adam That's right. What do you mean? I say I am Elton John.

1:26:29 Caller Look, Ling Chao, I can't fight this feeling, okay? Deep inside of me.

1:26:34 Adam That's right.

1:26:36 Caller Ugeshuggah, I can't fight this feeling deep inside of me.

1:26:41 Adam I think.

1:26:42 Caller Girl, you just don't realize.

1:26:43 Adam What you do to me. Yeah. I thought first you're going to Ario Speedwagon, but I see we went to Ugeshuggah. All right, we're going to take ourselves a little break. Darrell Hammond is our guest tonight. When we come back, I think we'll do a little, what's over there?

1:26:58 Drew Just reading that question.

1:27:00 Adam We'll do a little dueling, lightning round DJs. Oh, yes.

1:27:03 Drew We'll read Chad's question for everyone to appreciate.

1:27:05 Adam Go ahead.

1:27:06 Drew Chad has heard that the head of your penis will fall off if you have anal sex. That's true. Oh, Ace Rockolla will address that.

1:27:13 Adam Oh, that's right. Yeah, that's my name. And listen gents, that's true if you try getting me. Spread the word. We'll be back.

1:27:24 Caller Love Line, LeBanachrol and Dr. Drew will be right back before you know it.

1:27:52 You're listening to Loveline with Ace Racola and Dr. Drew.

1:28:14 Adam It's a two for Wednesday. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Let me check the time real quick. It's 1146 straight up. It's 14 minutes away from the top of the hour, 12 midnight, the witching hour, and you're SmackDown in the middle of the lightning round. Tonight, our guest is the very, very, very, very, very, very funny man, Daryl Hammond. Let me tell you something. This kid is hot, hot, hot. All right, let's hop back on the phone. Let's see what we got. I drew the call number one. Jezbell.

1:28:41 Caller Hello.

1:28:42 Adam Jezbell, 19 years old.

1:28:44 Caller You guys are crazy.

1:28:45 Adam Yeah, what's going on? Jezbell, let me check time real quick. It's 1146 and 42nd. That is 13 minutes and 20 seconds away from the top of the hour, straight up midnight, the witching hour.

1:28:56 Caller All right.

1:28:56 Adam We will listen to Love Line, Ace Rockolla, Dr. Drew Pinsky, Darryl Hales again. Very funny, very funny man. Very funny Saturday Night Live. What's up there Jezbell?

1:29:05 Caller Can I ask Darryl a question really quick?

1:29:07 Adam Here he is.

1:29:08 Caller Can you do a Cosby?

1:29:10 Caller I've never done. You want me to try?

1:29:11 Caller Yeah, you should.

1:29:12 Adam Try a little bit of what? Darryl, let me check time before you get on. It's 1147 and 10 seconds, 12 minutes and 15 seconds.

1:29:19 Caller 13 minutes and about 12 o'clock.

1:29:20 Adam That's right.

1:29:21 Caller On your Wednesday.

1:29:23 Adam Go ahead, Darryl, Bill Cosby.

1:29:25 Caller Give me something to say.

1:29:26 Best Of Um, you know that funny little laugh, Doug?

1:29:30 Caller Uh-huh. I need more, something more distinct.

1:29:33 Caller You never watched Bill Cosby?

1:29:35 Caller Yeah, but I have never done The Voice before.

1:29:37 Adam Hey, Darryl, this is Recycl-A-Rolla. Why don't you talk about Joe? Because I know Bill loves that Joe, loves the hug that Joe loves the joe. Let me check time real fast.

1:29:45 Caller Okay, let me ask my question.

1:29:47 Adam I'm checking the time here. It's 1147 and 40 seconds. That's 12 minutes and 20 seconds away from the top of the hour, straight up minute. Darryl Hams again, very funny man, very funny, very hot, hot, hot. Go ahead, there's a little Bill Cosby there with the Jell-O.

1:30:01 Caller Talk about Jell-O.

1:30:03 Caller What's up? Are you going to ask me a question?

1:30:05 Caller Yeah, I need to ask a question.

1:30:07 Best Of My question is, okay, both my nipples pierced, and I want to know if I'm going to be able to breastfeed, because I know when you take out piercings, it builds up scar tissue behind my neck.

1:30:15 Drew Yes, usually you can. It makes it a little more difficult, but you can.

1:30:18 Best Of Usually you can?

1:30:19 Drew Can, C-A-N.

1:30:20 Adam That's good. I see where you got that name.

1:30:23 Best Of It's kind of short out in like three different places.

1:30:25 Drew It tends to be a little more difficult, as I understand.

1:30:28 Adam All right, baby. It's going to be like a rain bird on your yonkers. You know what I'm saying? Thanks for calling. I'm sure you're hot, hot, hot.

1:30:34 Drew On your yonkers?

1:30:35 Adam That's right. That's Dr. Drew over there. I'm Ace Rockolla, the hamster of Saturday Night Live. Very, very, very, very funny man, and hot, hot, hot. He's going to be at the LeBrain Brubble this week coming up. You big dummy. That's a little Fred Sand for four. It's 11 48 in 48 seconds. That is 11 minutes and 12 seconds. A wave in the top of the hour straight up is hot back on the bus. Do a little more Ted Cabell for us.

1:31:06 Caller It's the kind of smut many of the porn stores won't even carry.

1:31:12 Adam That man is a funny man and that's why he is.

1:31:14 Caller There I was down in Cuba, I'm in Cuba, I've got Castro on one side, I've got the poop on the other side and all of a sudden a girl in Washington gives a BJ to the president and my dream of elect... Can I have another margarita? My dream of... I don't know what to say.

1:31:35 Adam Darryl Hammond, very funny.

1:31:36 Drew What's the secret word, Peewee?

1:31:38 Caller La la la la, ha ha.

1:31:40 Adam Scurrilous.

1:31:41 Caller La la la la.

1:31:42 Caller Hello.

1:31:43 Adam Kevin!

1:31:43 Caller Hey, what's going on?

1:31:44 Adam You're 25, I just backed out in the middle of the lightning round. I'm Ace Rockolla, good morning, I drew a sketch over there.

1:31:50 Caller There you go.

1:31:52 Caller Hey, I'm Dr. Drew.

1:31:53 Adam Kevin.

1:31:54 Caller I was skating like about last week on a Wednesday and I was busting a gap and I landed on a rail and I, you know, crunched my nards pretty good.

1:32:03 Drew Both of them?

1:32:04 Caller Yeah, pretty much and they turned like blackish-purple for a while.

1:32:09 Drew They swell up?

1:32:10 Caller Yeah, big time.

1:32:11 Caller It was like elephant titus of the nut.

1:32:13 Drew Why weren't you seen by a doctor then?

1:32:16 Caller Because I didn't really think anything of it. I just put an ice pack, you know, like that before.

1:32:20 Drew Your testes become the size of grapefruit and they turn blue and, eh, they hurt like hell.

1:32:25 Caller Yeah.

1:32:26 Drew I don't know. What point would you actually go see the doctor?

1:32:28 Caller Something's wrong with his testicle?

1:32:30 Adam Hey, uh, Kevin? Yeah? What would it take, like a Komodo dragon hanging off of your testicle's bite's jaw in order for you to think something may be up with the testes, or, uh, is the balloon size black and blue good enough?

1:32:42 Caller That's Joe Hamlin over there, by the way.

1:32:44 Adam He's going to be in the brain for a while, weekend long. Hey, Kevin, get in, see the doc. What did he say, buddy? Yeah, I'll try to get in.

1:32:49 Drew Yeah, you can rupture the testes. You can permanently affect your fertility to social levels.

1:32:54 Adam Let me tell you something about Ace Rockolla. Some hams of family jewels. I ain't driving myself being airlifted in, you know what I'm saying? Medevac helicopter right out the chimney. Let me check the time. It's 11, 51 straight up. That's nine minutes away from the top of the hour, the witching hour, 12 midnight. Daryl Hammett, very funny man from Saturday Night Live, is going to join us in. He's going to be the little boy I brought. Funny, funny, funny, funny, funny, funny, funny, funny, funny, funny man and hot, hot, hot. Jeff?

1:33:20 Caller Oh my God, dude. I'm so shaking, Adam. You were like, God, dude, I've listened to you guys for so long.

1:33:26 Adam That's right. I'm a deity.

1:33:27 Caller You're so cool on Saturday Night Live, dude. I've been watching it forever since John Belushi, man.

1:33:31 Adam Thanks, man. Well, you really hit the hat trick tonight. Jeff, you're 16 years old. What's your question there, brother?

1:33:37 Caller I used to do LSD a lot in the seventh grade, like when I was a freshman.

1:33:42 Adam That's why you think Darryl's funny. Yeah.

1:33:44 Caller And I still continue to do it. I don't know. I've been hearing sounds lately. It's hard for me to get to bed.

1:33:51 Adam All right. And have you stopped doing the LSD, the LSD, the LSD?

1:33:57 Drew Jeff, it kills me when kids do this to themselves because acid, ecstasy, these are drugs that are known to damage brain. Time Magazine did a thing about ecstasy. I read it. It was awful. It was just, it killed me that they were just basically presenting the facts about people who deal with patients of damage from ecstasy as though it's some sort of biased presentation of people who have some agenda to get kids to stop doing drugs. Hey, you won't choose to do drugs, enjoy. But realize, your brain gets damaged, you're going to hear voices, you're going to have mood disturbance.

1:34:29 Adam Drew, I know this is a very passionate subject of you and I hate to cut you off. But let me check the time. Thank you very much. It's 11.52 and 37 seconds away from the top there. Peewee Herman and Ted Koppel are both in the studio tonight, Peewee. You there, buddy? Ted, you're still standing by?

1:34:47 Caller Absolutely.

1:34:51 Adam Sean Connery has just stepped in the studio. Sean, you're hanging with us tonight?

1:34:55 Caller I'm strained for the long haul.

1:34:56 Adam Alright, and oh, what a surprise. President Bill Clinton has just stepped in.

1:35:01 Caller Let me say to the people of America and the nations of the world that I hate your ass. I swear to God, I do.

1:35:08 Adam Bill, could you step aside for just one second? Jesse Jackson would like to say something.

1:35:13 Caller I'll certainly will set that apparatus in motion.

1:35:18 Adam Ted, any last words, Ted Coppola?

1:35:20 Caller It's the kind of smite of a man.

1:35:26 Adam Ted Kennedy stepped into the studio. No, he just left. Ted has not stepped in. Ted just poked his head in to say hi to Jesse and Clinton and he stepped out. I'm Ace Rockolla, that's my partner, Dr. Drew. Wait a minute, Adam Corolla stepped in to the studio. Do you do an Adam Corolla?

1:35:49 Caller No, I don't. He can't be done.

1:35:52 Adam He cannot be replicated or duplicated in any way? He can't be repeated. God bless you. You could certainly do a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

1:36:00 Caller Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

1:36:01 Adam That's why Darryl Hammond is, we're going to take ourselves a quick break. I'm going to check the time during the time out break and we'll be back after this.

1:36:16 Caller Loveline will be right back.

1:36:46 Adam Well, Drew, not a bad show.

1:36:48 Drew Yeah, we had to do it like this more often.

1:36:50 Adam Yeah, like every night. Well, that about does it. Tomorrow night, everyone, Snoop Dogg, David Alan Greer, Lit Heff, and his beautiful twins. So until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying mahalo. Well, now.

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Monday, June 19, 2000