Episode 1000754887084

1:01 Voiceover Listener discretion is advised. Run!

1:06 Go!

1:08 Voiceover Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew Loveline, Coast to Coast.

1:13 Adam This is Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1, fax number 310-840-4051. Dr. Bruce is a board-certified physician. He's an addiction medicine specialist. He does tattoo removal from gang members. Mainly those weird crosses they have in between their forefinger and thumb and the classic teardrop is also one of his specialty removal items.

1:44 Dr. Bruce I was thinking about the swastika on your butt and I'm still not ready to do that.

1:48 Adam I'm keeping that in case I'm raped by white supremacists. I can score some points. I figure he'll go easy.

1:56 Bobcat Goldthwait I think that would be more arousing to him. Oh really? Yeah, they'd be like, Mother of Pearl. Yeah.

2:02 Adam You may be right.

2:03 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah, that's the mother load right there for white supremacists.

2:08 Adam Speaking of load, Bobcat Goldthwait is our guest tonight. Bob.

2:12 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah, it's me, Bob Scratch Goldfarb.

2:14 Adam Bob Scratch is going to be at the Brea, or sorry, Irvine, Irvine Improv.

2:20 Bobcat Goldthwait Irvine Improv. So everybody in the other 73 markets that this show comes to, please, we got party buses coming in from Detroit.

2:29 Adam Charter your flights now everybody because Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

2:33 Bobcat Goldthwait I'm promoting an album or a latest film. I'm promoting a bar gig. Kind of sad, isn't it?

2:39 Adam Bob's going to be at an Arby's in Kanaeho. He's going to be signing napkins. You may want to get there on a Thursday.

2:46 Bobcat Goldthwait I got the boat show with David Hasselhoff coming up.

2:50 Adam Hasselhoff. Well, you're putting yourself in some pretty good company there.

2:53 Bobcat Goldthwait Meet Bobcat and the Night Rocker.

2:55 Adam Go Bob Denver and Bobcat.

2:57 Bobcat Goldthwait Bob Denver, yeah.

2:58 Adam All right. Bobcat is here. Bob is not only a friend but soon to be a colleague. Bob is a fine director. A lot of people don't know that about Bobcat. Not only has he done Shakes the Clown, but he's done some videos. You may remember the Aquabats.

3:14 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah. I just finished directing for Julie Brown that shows Strip Mall.

3:18 Adam All right. Now, would you do a few episodes?

3:21 Bobcat Goldthwait No, I did like that. Yeah. Now, I go back to Man Show.

3:25 Adam Yes. Bob directed some of the more memorable Man Show. I guess you'd call them rolling pieces or field pieces last year. And this time, he's going to be back full time.

3:39 Bobcat Goldthwait Did they air the one when we stretched the penis around the block?

3:42 Yeah.

3:43 Adam Yeah. I think we've aired that. That was the send up on Porky's.

3:49 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

3:50 Bobcat Goldthwait But like, there's a script and then, you know, I try to, you know, basically my job is I kiss your ass. I go, you did it again, Adam.

3:59 Dr. Bruce Genius.

3:59 Genius.

4:00 Adam Mazel Tov.

4:01 Genius.

4:02 Adam Yeah. That's what happened.

4:03 Bobcat Goldthwait That's what I do before I live in.

4:04 Dr. Bruce I filled in and he was a guest about eight years ago and I was talking to him before the show about kids. I said, boy, this guy is such a nice guy. Then the show starts and all of a sudden he goes into this.

4:13 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah. And then I'm the big guy.

4:15 Where's Dr. Drew?

4:16 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah. I know.

4:17 Dr. Bruce I was here. He goes, I'm on a bloody erectum by the end of the show.

4:19 Bobcat Goldthwait Something like that. Yeah.

4:20 Adam That's good radio, Bruce. All right, Bruce.

4:24 Bobcat Goldthwait I was going to go easy on you until you brought us down. I had some humorous antidotes and then came to a grinding hole. No, I like your Bruce and everything, but it's like it's 1976. I'm on the Tonight Show and they go, Oh, Joey Bishop's there. It's not going to be Johnny. Yeah. I go, Oh, I like Joey. He's funny. I do like Joey.

4:42 Adam I know, but he's no Johnny.

4:43 Bobcat Goldthwait So no, the evil story is there's this fake penis that we stretch around the block.

4:48 Adam And you got, you know, That's a man show bit we did, by the way.

4:53 Bobcat Goldthwait And, you know, whatever, and it goes around a cactus, you know, and I had a few gags that weren't officially approved.

4:59 Adam Right.

4:59 Bobcat Goldthwait And one of the gags was, the penis has been so stretched out that there's some children skipping rope with it.

5:06 Adam Right. That's right. Yeah, that was good.

5:09 Bobcat Goldthwait That was like where, like, the whole crew is just like going, man, you're the devil. You're going to go to hell.

5:15 Adam Bob also makes a cameo now and again in The Man Show 2, is the vomiting transient.

5:20 Bobcat Goldthwait Why not?

5:21 Adam And why not?

5:21 Bobcat Goldthwait It's only can't get extras. Give me the idea of the kind of budget Comedy Central just peels out over there.

5:26 Adam He's got range. All right. So Man Show on right now on Comedy Central, by the way. And Bobcat coming up this weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Irvine Improv, and then all over the country still doing stand up dates. So look for him in a town near you. And Bruce, anything to say or we go over the phones?

5:46 Dr. Bruce I think it's a conflict of interest to mention your show while Loveline's on.

5:49 Adam Thank you. Seth?

5:52 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

5:53 Adam 19, what's up?

5:56 I can't touch a girl for two years.

5:58 Adam I see. Were you in prison?

6:01 No.

6:02 Bobcat Goldthwait Restraining order? What happened?

6:05 Well, I can't touch any girl for two years.

6:08 Adam Why not? Where are you going? What are you, a Mormon?

6:11 Yeah, I'm a Mormon.

6:12 Adam You're going on a mission?

6:13 Yeah, I'm on one.

6:14 Adam Wow, that's pretty good.

6:16 Bobcat Goldthwait That is pretty good.

6:17 Adam Does it say it on there? Wow, I didn't even read the screen.

6:20 Dr. Bruce You're a Mormon and you're calling Loveline for advice.

6:22 Yeah, it's like...

6:24 Dr. Bruce I think there's an inherent problem there.

6:26 Yeah.

6:27 Adam Yeah, so how many women were you touching before you became Mormon?

6:33 Well, I wasn't really touching many. I've always been Mormon.

6:37 Adam Yeah.

6:38 But before I came on a mission, I was touching... I had this goal to get with one girl a night or one girl every weekend before I left.

6:49 Adam Well, that's the Mormon code, isn't it?

6:52 Bobcat Goldthwait But where's your mission? I mean, it's not like South Beach, is it?

6:56 No, no. There's not many hot girls around. It's all cold.

7:00 Bobcat Goldthwait Where are you going?

7:01 I'm in Alaska.

7:02 Adam That's where your mission is?

7:04 Yeah.

7:05 Adam Who do you spread the good news to in Alaska? Caribou and stuff? I mean, who's over there to hear your words?

7:12 There's a few people up here, a bunch of skiers.

7:15 Adam What do you do? Do you ride a bike from door to door? Do you use a snowmobile or you mush?

7:20 Actually, we're pretty hooked up up here. We got cars.

7:22 Oh, really?

7:23 Adam Cars now?

7:24 Yeah.

7:24 Adam I know we're allowing them to have cars in Alaska.

7:27 Yeah, in Alaska.

7:27 All right.

7:28 Adam So listen, what the hell are you doing being a Mormon when rape is your true love?

7:35 Oh, no, no. I'm raping my thing.

7:37 Adam That's not?

7:38 No.

7:38 Adam Well, listen, you don't sound like a good Mormon. Maybe you ought to forget about it.

7:44 Oh, no.

7:45 Dr. Bruce Well, what do you think you're going to hear?

7:46 Adam Yeah, what do you want?

7:47 Dr. Bruce You think he's a bishop in your church or what?

7:49 No, it's not like that.

7:50 Dr. Bruce Okay, Seth, here's the bottom line. If you don't be a member of a church doesn't have anything to do with spirituality. If your spirituality, your relationship with your God is supposed to fill certain needs and to direct your behavior. And if you are having such a conflict with being physical with women and you're not finding any solace from your belief system or any help in dealing with your boundaries there, then you really need to reassess your belief system and how you're dealing with what it tells you. It's not like you have a bunch of rules you follow. There's supposed to be a relationship with God and that's supposed to help you.

8:23 Adam Listen, listen goofball, one word, Santeria. There may be two words.

8:28 Dr. Bruce Adam sent some chicken stuff.

8:29 Bobcat Goldthwait He needed to go paper instead of scissors when they're doling out the missions, man. Because some of these guys get sweet missions. They go to Spain and stuff. All right, who's next?

8:38 Adam All right, let's talk to...

8:38 Dr. Bruce I like when you see two white guys in white shirts and wats driving their bicycles around there.

8:42 Adam Yeah. How are they going to...

8:44 Bobcat Goldthwait Is that the Latter-day Saints?

8:45 Adam They got screwed. Katie?

8:47 Bobcat Goldthwait Hi.

8:47 Adam You're 17.

8:48 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah.

8:49 Adam What's up?

8:50 Um, I'm nervous.

8:52 Um, we...

8:53 Bobcat Goldthwait Wow, there's a lot of things for that.

8:54 Dr. Bruce I'm nervous too. So, go ahead.

8:57 My best guy friend.

8:59 I've known him for like four years.

9:00 And I've pretty much like been in love with him since like the first day I met him.

9:05 And he's like, he started going out with my cousin a while ago.

9:10 And then he moved out of state.

9:12 And so like he gave her a promise ring.

9:14 And like I don't want it to happen.

9:17 Adam You don't, you say, you said you don't want it to happen?

9:19 No.

9:20 Dr. Bruce Because you love him.

9:21 I always thought I was going to marry him.

9:22 Adam Right.

9:24 Dr. Bruce Is he aware of this? Of your feelings?

9:27 I don't know if he is now. Because he knew, like I used to like him and he knew and then.

9:31 Dr. Bruce And where are you calling from?

9:33 Illinois.

9:34 Dr. Bruce And there's only one guy in Illinois, I suspect.

9:36 Right.

9:37 Adam Yeah.

9:37 Dr. Bruce This is the only guy in Illinois.

9:38 Adam All right. Listen, listen. I know about young love. I masturbate to it almost every night. Listen, this, why has nothing ever happened between you two when you two were such good friends? I mean, you've known the guy for a long time, right?

9:54 Yeah. It looks like he had a girlfriend. And then like I had a boyfriend and then he had a girlfriend again. And then.

10:00 Adam Right. But don't you think he's probably not Indio?

10:04 Well, he was.

10:05 Adam He was?

10:06 He was.

10:06 Adam How do you know that?

10:07 When it was like the long time.

10:08 Adam How do you know?

10:09 Because he told me and it's not too hard to tell.

10:12 Adam So you know he was Indio?

10:14 Yeah.

10:15 Adam And how into your cousin do you think he is?

10:18 Oh, he had sex with her the first day he met her.

10:21 Dr. Bruce Well, that's not what he said.

10:22 Adam That's not an answer though. Is he into her?

10:24 I think so.

10:25 Adam I didn't mean into. With his penis. I meant more.

10:29 Dr. Bruce Teenagers and concrete thinking.

10:30 Adam Figuratively. Emotionally. Is he into her?

10:33 I think so. He is. But like that's bad because she's a big slut.

10:37 Adam But I'm sure he can figure that out. I mean he slept with her the first day, right?

10:41 Dr. Bruce Do you listen to Loveline quite a bit?

10:43 I'm sorry?

10:44 Dr. Bruce Do you listen to Loveline quite a bit? Yeah. Okay. Enough to understand the word boundaries. You know when they talk about boundaries. And this is not your business. This is someone else's relationship. And it's not your business to meddle in that relationship. He knows what he wants. She knows what she wants. And you're not to be involved. So you can't always have what you want. You can't always act on your impulses. So you need to start.

11:07 Adam Why are you all of a sudden in love with this guy?

11:09 Well I have been. She has been.

11:11 Adam Yeah, but I know. But you've known him for how many years?

11:15 Four.

11:15 Adam Four years? How in love with him were you that you sat idle for four years, essentially? Now he's running around with your cousin and you're in love.

11:24 I really don't like it.

11:26 Adam Listen, hold on. That's ridiculous. You've known this guy for four years. Now you're deeply in love. You made a move in four years. He hasn't done anything in four years. These are two people who are around each other for that many years. Four years, by the way, when you're 17, is like 150 years to me and you.

11:43 Dr. Bruce Right.

11:43 Adam So was it love?

11:46 Dr. Bruce It's almost like she's an apprentice in the School of Intimacy Avoidance. I mean, people choose unavailable people.

11:52 Bobcat Goldthwait You should give her that guy and I'll ask his number. Hook those two up.

11:57 Adam All right. So what is our advice for her? Who cares?

12:01 Dr. Bruce Well, she also needs to understand the pattern she's setting up. Falling in love with people that are not available becomes a waiver.

12:06 Bobcat Goldthwait She's falling in love with a guy who's moving out of town. That's not even it.

12:09 Dr. Bruce She needs to go out on dates with three guys in the next month. No, we need to give her an assignment.

12:13 Adam No, I'm not going to tell her to go out with three guys in the next month.

12:16 Dr. Bruce Or she needs to forget about the guy and to develop other social relationships.

12:22 All right. Move on.

12:23 Adam It's one of those handball against the curtain nights with you. I can feel that. I can feel it.

12:27 Bobcat Goldthwait Who else we got? Valerie?

12:29 Yes.

12:30 Adam You're 17. What's up?

12:33 Caller I have this problem with attracting the wrong kind of attention from guys. And it seems like every single relationship I get in, the guy is like a jerk.

12:42 Yeah.

12:42 Caller And I end up getting like hurt.

12:45 Yeah.

12:46 Caller I don't know.

12:46 Adam What kind of attention do you get from guys?

12:49 Caller Just like not the right kind. Like not what I'm looking for.

12:52 All right.

12:52 Adam No, that's very specific. Thank you. Not the right kind.

12:56 Bobcat Goldthwait Clear as mud.

12:57 Adam There you go.

12:57 Dr. Bruce I think that's great. You're an example.

12:59 Adam When you pull your car into the mechanic, and he says, what's wrong with the car? You go, well, listen, I can't tell you what's wrong with it, but I will tell you what does work. Is that how it goes? Kind of.

13:10 Dr. Bruce I think everyone understands what she's saying.

13:11 Adam No. You mean they just want you for sex?

13:14 Caller Kind of, yeah.

13:15 Adam Okay. This is great radio.

13:19 Caller I'm sorry, I was kind of nervous.

13:20 Bobcat Goldthwait So you keep hooking up with jerks?

13:22 Caller Basically, yeah.

13:23 Bobcat Goldthwait And do you flirt? Or is it just that you just keep-

13:26 Caller Not necessarily. I mean, I'm really like outgoing and social. I don't really consider myself like overly flirty or anything.

13:34 Dr. Bruce What kind of role modeling did you experience in growing up with your mom and dad?

13:38 Caller Well, when I was younger, my mom was like mellow, but I stopped living with her when I was 13, and I moved in with my dad. And he's kind of like, I don't know, probably not the best role model.

13:50 Dr. Bruce Why?

13:50 Adam What did he do?

13:51 Caller He's just very short with me. He doesn't really talk to me that much. I kind of like raise myself, and I have three brothers, and I raised them too. So I was kind of like always the one in charge.

14:02 Dr. Bruce When did they divorce?

14:03 Caller When I was four.

14:05 Dr. Bruce And so you were living just with your mom after that?

14:06 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah.

14:08 Adam Why did you move out from your mom at 13?

14:11 Caller My stepdad was abusive, and he was an alcoholic.

14:14 Adam I see. And he was abusive to you?

14:17 Caller Yeah.

14:17 Adam What did he do to you?

14:19 Caller He pushed me a couple of times, and he was like verbally abusive, and like mentally abusive, and it was like a really big mess.

14:26 Adam Yeah, that's out of line. I mean, Drew always says, only beat your own kids. I mean, blood-wise. Never beat, only molest and beat your own kids. He always stresses that. Yeah, that's out of line. So Valerie, you're kind of a candidate for jerks then, right?

14:41 Caller Basically, yeah.

14:42 Adam I mean, your dad's kind of an idiot. Your mom seems to hook up with world-class idiots.

14:47 Caller Oh, yeah.

14:48 Adam I mean, you got your dad is sort of into his own crap and kind of aloof. Then she dumps him and marries this other guy who's beating on you. So you're set up for this. So your instincts are bad.

15:00 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah. So the next time you see a guy that you don't want anything to do with, you hook up with him.

15:03 Adam That's right.

15:04 Bobcat Goldthwait You go, yeah, yeah, I like him.

15:06 Adam No, it's...

15:07 Bobcat Goldthwait That's the truth.

15:08 Adam It is.

15:08 Bobcat Goldthwait You're going for the dildos. You got to single out somebody who's really boring and doesn't float your boat and immediately hook up with them. But so here's the problem.

15:18 Caller I've never texted the guys like that. Like, I wish I was. I know a lot of really nice guys, but they just don't like...

15:23 Bobcat Goldthwait Right.

15:24 Dr. Bruce And that's the key here. You understand that you've had some problems with your upbringing, you've had some bad role modeling, and you understand that you're hooking up with the wrong guys. That's not enough to stop the behavior. And that's where therapy comes in.

15:36 Caller And I like not make it that big of a priority and just like not worry about it?

15:40 Dr. Bruce No. Make it the biggest priority in your life. Have you gone to counseling?

15:45 Caller I have.

15:46 Dr. Bruce And did you internalize it? Did you really do work there or did you just go in?

15:50 Adam Yeah. She's totally self-actualized. What do you think?

15:53 Dr. Bruce No. She just said mom made me go. You need to do it for yourself. And you need to understand that just intellectual knowledge about what's a good guy and what's not has nothing to do with being able to change what makes you make these choices and it takes work with the therapist and your own desire to want to change. It's not easy and it's not a superficial thing.

16:13 Adam That's right. So back to the therapist, Valerie. And in the meantime, if you're attracted to a guy, just go the other way.

16:19 Dr. Bruce Avoid getting involved in relationships till you've dealt with this.

16:22 Bobcat Goldthwait Don't get knocked up and don't get married.

16:23 Adam There you go.

16:24 Caller Sounds like a good plan. Thank you.

16:26 Bobcat Goldthwait All right.

16:28 Adam Corey.

16:29 Caller Hey, what's up, man?

16:30 Adam Hey, you're 24.

16:31 Bobcat Goldthwait Hey, dog, what's up?

16:33 Caller Hey, Adam, I love that man show.

16:34 Adam Oh, thank you.

16:35 Caller That man show's fabulous.

16:37 Hey, can I ask you a quick question first?

16:39 Caller Sure. I act just like you, Adam. I say, how dare you?

16:43 I make porn references.

16:44 Caller I talk about getting sodomized that they...

16:46 Adam Yeah, beautiful.

16:48 Dr. Bruce I was going to say this guy reminds me of you.

16:50 Caller Yeah, that's it.

16:50 Adam Thank you.

16:51 Bobcat Goldthwait Those are all great icebreakers, by the way.

16:53 Caller Yeah, they are. And I'm running for law school president and it's in Orange County. And I need a theme, like a punchline or a slogan.

17:03 Adam I see.

17:04 Caller And you know, everyone up there is a tight Republican.

17:07 Bobcat Goldthwait You know what I mean? Right.

17:08 Caller Black, liberal. And my slogan was going to be, not just another angry black man.

17:16 Adam Well, that's not bad.

17:17 Caller Really? Go with that?

17:19 Adam No, it's all right.

17:21 Dr. Bruce No, it doesn't have...

17:22 Bobcat Goldthwait I like Kill Whitey.

17:24 Kill Whitey? Go with that one. Kill Whitey.

17:26 Caller Dean's not going to allow it.

17:28 Caller No.

17:28 Caller I have to let the dean to allow.

17:29 Dr. Bruce The black one doesn't have universal appeal. You need something with more universal...

17:33 Bobcat Goldthwait Kill Bejee?

17:34 Adam Kill Bejee.

17:35 Bobcat Goldthwait Kill Off Whitey?

17:36 Adam Kill Mulatto. Hey, Corey, where are you going to law school?

17:41 Bobcat Goldthwait Pardon me?

17:41 Adam Where are you going to law school?

17:42 Caller Whittier Law School in Costa Mesa.

17:44 Adam And they need a president?

17:46 Caller Well, they need a student body president.

17:48 Adam I see. That's what I want to run for. I see. And, hey, didn't Dick Nixon go there?

17:54 Caller I think he went to the undergraduate, but, you know, we don't want to talk about Nixon. Come on.

17:57 Adam I understand. I understand. So, you're proud, you're black, and you're running for the president, student body president.

18:07 Caller I figured, since it was Orange County, I want something anti-black, sort of, like not just another angry black man.

18:13 Bobcat Goldthwait Right.

18:14 Caller That'll really get the white people.

18:15 Bobcat Goldthwait How about, hey, Orange County, how did I get in here?

18:18 Caller You're right.

18:18 Bobcat Goldthwait You know what I mean?

18:19 Adam Yeah. How about vote for me, or I'll have sex with your daughters? That might get you in. I don't know.

18:28 Caller I'll date your daughter.

18:29 Adam Yeah.

18:30 Caller Okay.

18:32 Adam There you go, Cory. All right, buddy. Hey, good luck. I hope you're the next Johnny Cochran.

18:37 Thank you. Thank you.

18:38 Adam All right. Keep listening. I bet my hair is nappier than yours, even though you're black.

18:43 Caller What do you think of that?

18:45 I'm half white trash, so I...

18:47 Adam I see.

18:47 Caller All right.

18:48 Adam Very dangerous combination. All right, Cory. Thanks for calling in. All right, man. Take care of yourself. All right.

18:55 Dr. Bruce I knew right from the beginning when I heard his voice.

18:58 Adam That he was what?

18:58 Dr. Bruce No, that he was black. How dare you?

19:01 Adam Jimmy?

19:02 Yeah.

19:02 Adam You're 14. What's up?

19:03 Caller Nothing.

19:04 Caller I got a question for Bobcat and for you, Adam.

19:06 Adam Well, here's Bobcat first.

19:08 Bobcat Goldthwait All right. Shoot. What's up?

19:09 Caller How did you get started in comedy, man?

19:12 Bobcat Goldthwait My father is the president of show business. So he said, son, you want to be a comic, you want to work craft service. What do you want to do? I said, I like comedy. Sounds pretty good. Now, I started doing stand up comedy when I was like 15 or 16. And then I got on like Letterman stuff when I was 20. So I don't know how I got started. I didn't, you know, I'll tell you what to avoid. Anybody teaching a comedy course, avoid that and just try to find a stage you can get on. And then try to make people happy with your jokes, because that's what I try to do.

19:48 Caller Cool.

19:49 Adam Are you interested in getting into comedy?

19:51 Caller Maybe.

19:51 Adam Well, you can talk to Bob's dad. What, do you want to produce or direct? He can put, he does placement. Yeah, I mean, any of those, you know, modeling and acting and comedy, just go out and do it, essentially.

20:06 Dr. Bruce Like in your third period class, just get up to be the man.

20:08 Adam That's right.

20:09 Caller Adam?

20:10 Adam Yes?

20:10 Caller Who told you you couldn't do those sound bites anymore?

20:13 Adam That was our program director.

20:16 Caller Well, you're like literally a millionaire, man. You stand up and say, I'm literally a millionaire.

20:21 Caller That's true.

20:22 Bobcat Goldthwait I'm literally a millionaire.

20:24 Caller That's true.

20:24 Adam You know, the literally a millionaire thing only works with people that make less than 20 grand a year. It's not so impressive to people who make more.

20:33 Caller You see what I'm saying?

20:34 Caller And I'm not like those girls that called in about you, but I do have your name on my notebook.

20:38 Adam Thank you. I'd like to see it on your shoe, too, if that's okay. Thank you. All right. Hey, Jimmy?

20:45 Caller Yeah.

20:46 Adam All right. Good luck with the comedy career.

20:47 Caller Yeah. Hold on a second. My friends and I are looking to open up a Seattle chapter of The Jackers. You're talking about that a while ago.

20:54 Caller Oh, Jesus Christ.

20:54 Adam All right. Thank you.

20:57 Bobcat Goldthwait You're really helping mold some minds.

20:59 Caller I know.

21:00 Dr. Bruce What's that about?

21:01 Adam When people regurgitate things that you've said in earlier times on the air back to you, it's always that much more uncomfortable. It's like watching a videotape of you drunk at a party. You know what I'm talking about? It's always embarrassing. Like, oh yeah, when I was using, yeah, I knew I was bad. Lena?

21:19 Lena.

21:19 Adam Lena?

21:20 Yes.

21:20 Adam You're 17, what's up?

21:22 Caller Well, Adam, I love you.

21:24 Adam Great, thank you.

21:25 Caller And Bobcat?

21:26 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah.

21:27 Caller You're fine.

21:28 Bobcat Goldthwait Oh, all right. I thought I was getting ready for the slam. Adam, I love you. Bobcat, are you sick?

21:34 Adam Yeah.

21:35 Caller You're pretty hot. Sexy voice too.

21:37 Bobcat Goldthwait Oh boy. Yeah.

21:39 Adam How old do you think Bobcat is?

21:42 Caller Oh, son of a bitch.

21:45 Adam We haven't played Guest Bobcat's age in a while.

21:50 Dr. Bruce Doesn't he have a kid that's 36?

21:51 Adam He was.

21:52 Bobcat Goldthwait Oh, it was easy. I'm trying to go so nice on you.

21:55 Adam He was on The Tonight Show while Jack Parr was hosting.

21:59 Dr. Bruce Did you say Jack Benny?

22:00 Bobcat Goldthwait Do you have a question or what?

22:01 Caller Well, yeah, I have two questions. Well, my mom and my dad are still married. Last night, I saw my mom having sex with another guy.

22:12 Adam How did you figure that one out?

22:14 Caller I walked in and I realized it wasn't my dad.

22:16 I looked out and his truck was in here.

22:18 Caller So I was like, what? And about maybe in September, I saw my dad with another woman. I kind of followed him.

22:27 Adam Where did you follow him? Where did you see him?

22:30 Caller He said he was going to work. He's a lawyer. And so I followed him and he was with another woman.

22:36 Adam Wait a minute. Why did you follow him? When he says he goes to work every day, you follow him every day?

22:42 Caller No, I just followed him. I heard his conversation over the phone.

22:47 Adam So you followed him out of the house. You got in your car and followed him in his car?

22:53 Caller Yeah, I used one of my friends because he would know that it's me.

22:55 Caller Smart. All right.

22:57 Adam So you followed him. And where did he go?

22:59 Caller He went to one of the hotels out here.

23:03 Adam I see. And he met a woman there?

23:05 Caller Yeah, and she was all up on his jock. And I'm like, what?

23:09 Bobcat Goldthwait She was all up on his jock? His jock? What did you do?

23:14 Adam Drive into the motel room and stake it out?

23:16 Bobcat Goldthwait No, it wasn't like your mom dressed in a costume or something. This isn't something they do.

23:20 Adam Couples do that when they get bored.

23:24 Bobcat Goldthwait Do your parents act like a couple? Do they act like they like each other?

23:27 Caller No.

23:29 Adam All right. So wait a minute. You followed your dad. He pulls into a motel. He meets a woman and then they walk into one of the rooms.

23:37 Caller Yes.

23:38 Adam All right. So that's the last you saw that.

23:40 Caller Yeah.

23:40 Adam You can assume something went on there.

23:42 Caller Yeah.

23:42 Adam And then the other day you come home and your mom is underneath another guy. Last night.

23:47 Caller Yeah.

23:48 Adam Thanks. And...

23:50 Bobcat Goldthwait That really clarifies it, Bruce.

23:52 Adam That's a totally different situation. So she had the door open in her bedroom or how did you see this?

23:59 Caller Well, I came home early and from work and I walked in and I saw this guy on top of her. I'm like, what? It's not my dad. And I'm just like, oh, my God, they didn't even bother to lock the door.

24:13 Bobcat Goldthwait It's weird that you're like, hey, that's not my dad. My first thing would be like, whoa, I don't want to see this. Period.

24:19 Adam Even if it is.

24:19 Bobcat Goldthwait I wouldn't care if it was Pop or specifically.

24:22 Dr. Bruce OK, so we can assume you've got a very chaotic life.

24:25 Bobcat Goldthwait It kind of scares me that you recognized a stranger's ass right off the bat. Hey, that's not Pop's ass.

24:30 Dr. Bruce How long have they not been getting along?

24:33 Caller Probably for the past four years, maybe.

24:35 Dr. Bruce Prior to that, things were pretty good. Good relationship with them.

24:39 Caller Well, who cares?

24:40 Adam Listen, Lena.

24:41 Caller Yeah.

24:42 Adam You're almost out of the house, right? You're 17. You're going off to college somewhere? Yes, I am. OK. When are you going off to college?

24:49 Caller After graduation.

24:50 Adam I see. Let me grab a scratch pad.

24:52 Caller You're going to graduate first?

24:54 Caller Yes.

24:54 Adam Yeah, I see. OK. It's fascinating. Very interesting way to do it.

24:57 Bobcat Goldthwait Are there other kids in your family?

24:59 Caller Yeah, there's three of us.

25:00 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah. It sounds like they got a beard marriage going on. It sounds like their marriage is over and they're trying to keep it together for the kids.

25:08 Caller How old?

25:09 Adam Do you have younger?

25:10 Caller Yeah, I have a younger one. He's about 16 and the other one's 21.

25:14 Bobcat Goldthwait Good.

25:14 Adam Screw them. You go off to college and start your own life.

25:18 Dr. Bruce Oh, that's great advice.

25:19 Adam Yeah. They're all about 21 and 16.

25:21 Dr. Bruce Part of the reason it's significant is just last night is because things like this are really painful and they're very difficult to see. It's bad enough if you walk in and your parents with each other having sex, but much less the boyfriend. The plumber. How upset are you? Is this something where you...

25:36 Caller I'm not upset. It really hurts me.

25:38 Dr. Bruce Right.

25:38 Caller I'm really hurt.

25:39 Bobcat Goldthwait How about... Hey, did your mother say anything to you? Did your mother say, boy...

25:42 Caller She didn't know that I saw her.

25:43 Bobcat Goldthwait Oh, she didn't go, isn't that weird that my friend and I were wrestling and you came in?

25:47 Adam Why don't you confront your mom and give her a chance to make you feel better? Because otherwise, it's going to freak out. You're going to be really mean to your mom and she's not going to know what's going on. Then she's going to get angry with you and it's going to snowball, all right?

25:59 Dr. Bruce Well, the other thing is you don't... Do you have any stability, any stable adults that you can talk to? Do you go to church? Do you have a school counselor?

26:06 Caller Yes, I do.

26:07 Dr. Bruce Which one?

26:08 Caller Both.

26:09 Dr. Bruce Okay. You've got to talk to somebody because a lot of feelings are going to come up, not just the next day, but a month from now, two months from now that are difficult to understand and deal with, and you need somebody to help you sort through things.

26:20 Adam Okay.

26:20 Dr. Bruce It should be your parents that are setting a good example and providing somebody to talk to. So, you need to talk to somebody tomorrow. Okay.

26:29 Adam Don't get married, don't get pregnant.

26:31 Caller Don't worry.

26:31 Adam Go far, far away to college and talk to your mom about this.

26:35 Caller Okay.

26:35 Adam Maybe she's got a good excuse.

26:37 Dr. Bruce No.

26:37 Adam Maybe it was her gynecologist.

26:39 Dr. Bruce I talk to somebody else before I talk to my mom about it because it sounds like-

26:41 Adam Really?

26:42 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

26:43 Adam Okay.

26:44 Bobcat Goldthwait You need to stop your mom. Maybe her mom's a counselor.

26:48 Dr. Bruce Maybe her mom will explain that it was just a friend or something.

26:51 Adam Yeah.

26:51 Dr. Bruce What's she going to say?

26:52 Adam The plumber came by. She didn't have any cash. You know. She could tell her something that might make it all right.

27:00 Bobcat Goldthwait Make it feel better.

27:01 Adam Yeah. We'll take a break. We'll be back.

27:03 Dr. Bruce Then I'll explain things.

27:04 Bobcat Goldthwait Shut up.

27:06 Caller Loveline, Loveline, we'll be right back.

27:41 Adam Here it is, Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Bruce over there. You know him as Dr. Spaz. Phone number 1-800-L-O-V-E-1-9-1. Here we go now, Bruce. Here we go, buddy.

27:53 Dr. Bruce What's that?

27:53 Adam We're going now.

27:54 Dr. Bruce That hat bothers me. We're going. Why don't you put the hat on?

27:57 Adam Bruce, Bruce, let's not do any weird or bad radio.

28:03 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah, let's not talk about visual crap right now.

28:05 Adam There we go.

28:06 Bobcat Goldthwait Hey, this is me, Bob, Cat Goldthwait, and where am I? I'm at the Irvine Improv this weekend. That's right. Yeah.

28:15 Adam Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

28:16 Bobcat Goldthwait I was looking out a window one day and I said, how did I become Bobcat? Like I got really grossed out. It's not a funny story, but it just hit me.

28:24 Adam I was like. Well, you know what I was thinking about, like yesterday was you at the MTV Movie Awards when you came out in that Prince outfit with your guts.

28:33 Bobcat Goldthwait My gut hanging out, yeah. And all that.

28:35 Adam And I thought that people who haven't seen Bobcat in a little while would be shocked to see the transformation. First, everyone thought he was on drugs. Yeah. But now, now that we're used to it, it's good. Well, yeah.

28:48 Bobcat Goldthwait Well, you know, whatever. I lost a lot of weight.

28:50 Adam How much weight did you lose?

28:52 Bobcat Goldthwait Like about 50, 60 pounds.

28:53 Adam What were you at your peak?

28:55 Bobcat Goldthwait 220. But you know, so many negative things are said about heroin. No one ever talks about the positive aspects.

29:01 Adam They don't talk about the good.

29:02 Bobcat Goldthwait No, they never do. You know, I'm a whatever.

29:05 Adam The good news about Bobcat in 220s, you know, on that 5.8 frame, he could really spread it out. You know, it had a big frame.

29:12 Bobcat Goldthwait 5.7.

29:13 Dr. Bruce You can always say you had to gain the weight for a movie, Roland.

29:15 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I got a job. I have a small part in a real movie coming up.

29:21 Adam Oh, really? What is it?

29:22 Bobcat Goldthwait It's called Blow is the movie.

29:24 Adam Is it like playing with Snatch?

29:26 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah. It probably will, Blow and Snatch.

29:29 Adam Who's in it?

29:30 Bobcat Goldthwait It's Johnny Depp. Wow. It's not. It's about Coke. It's not about porno.

29:35 Adam Oh, good. So they want to get them out of the way.

29:37 Bobcat Goldthwait Oh, you know what? Johnny Depp is a good looking guy. You know what I mean? If I was going to make the leap, that's a good place to start.

29:42 Adam You could do worse. You could do me or Jimmy.

29:45 Bobcat Goldthwait What? What are you talking about?

29:46 Adam I mean, if you're...

29:47 Bobcat Goldthwait That's how I got the job. What are you talking about?

29:49 Adam Again.

29:50 Bobcat Goldthwait All right.

29:50 Adam When is that out, by the way?

29:51 Bobcat Goldthwait It's out in a couple of months.

29:53 Adam Until you just did the part.

29:54 Bobcat Goldthwait I did the part a while ago. I'm in the trailer, I guess. Oh, really?

29:57 Adam Yeah.

29:57 Bobcat Goldthwait My friends are telling me they see me in the trailer a lot.

30:00 Adam Well, we'll keep an eye out for that. We'll keep an eye out for that. Johnny, okay. Hold on.

30:06 Bobcat Goldthwait Johnny Depp.

30:07 Adam Hold on. I got to yell at Bruce. Bruce, we got a guest on the show.

30:09 Dr. Bruce Okay.

30:10 Adam Right? The guest was in a movie with Johnny Depp that's coming out soon.

30:13 Dr. Bruce Okay.

30:13 Adam So we're talking about that.

30:15 Dr. Bruce Okay.

30:15 Adam All right?

30:16 Bobcat Goldthwait I started obsessing on how good looking Johnny Depp is.

30:19 Adam He really is hot.

30:20 Bobcat Goldthwait He's a nice guy. Then eventually, I'm looking at him, trying to look for a flaw, and he had some blotch on his arm. I'm thinking, he's a nice guy, but I'm going, oh, you're Johnny Depp. In my head, I'm going, but between my wrist and elbow, I am so hotter than you. Yeah. It was Paul Rubin's, me and Johnny Depp in the same scene. It was like the community service players. I actually said that one when I look, I go, is anybody in this scene not on probation?

30:49 Adam How much community service did you get for setting the Tonight Show?

30:52 Bobcat Goldthwait All I had to do, I was on probation for about four years, and then I had to do PSAs.

30:57 Adam You did?

30:58 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah.

30:59 Adam Do you have some of those?

31:00 Bobcat Goldthwait No, but we can get them. But I get my night club act, I'll go, hey, I'm Bobcat Goldthwait, whatever you do. Don't start a talk show on fire. Back to you, McGruff, and here's Kelsey Graham with some safe driving tips. I was like, what did Rosie O'Donnell and Penny Marshall do to Kmart that they had to work off? Okay, that's my night club act. But in reality, the commercials were like, I had to do this, they made me keep redoing them. Like the Burbank Fire Marshal didn't like, he didn't, he questioned my performance, my sincerity. Because I had to go like this, I had to go, and this is really embarrassing, I had to go like this. This is the, this is the, I had to go, I go, I'm Bobcat Goldthwait. You know, I can switch back and forth. But, that was it. But if you're seriously injured in a fire, you, yeah, yeah, yeah.

31:46 Adam You can't go back.

31:47 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah, you can't go back. So, I only know one person that ever saw him air, you know.

31:52 Adam So, so Bob, well, it's because they run at 4.30 in the morning on weekends. But the fire marshal for the Burbank, city of Burbank said like, okay, Bob, that was good, but let's try it again.

32:04 Bobcat Goldthwait You know what? You're giving me a 7 and I need a 10.

32:09 Adam This time, listen, I want you to have fun with it. We know it's a PSA.

32:13 Bobcat Goldthwait I'm sure I sarcastic. I'm really like, if you're seriously injured in a fire.

32:18 Adam Denise?

32:18 Bobcat Goldthwait Hello, Denise. Hi.

32:20 Adam You're 17. What's up?

32:22 Caller I'm going out with a 22-year-old guy. My parents are okay with it. If they weren't okay with it, then...

32:29 Bobcat Goldthwait I think it's disgusting.

32:31 Caller Shut up.

32:32 Bobcat Goldthwait I think age differences are terrible.

32:35 Dr. Bruce Go on, Denise.

32:36 Adam Bob's dating a shy goat right now.

32:39 Caller So, I mean, we talked like all week and we really get along well.

32:43 Caller It's hard for me.

32:44 Caller It was hard for me before to find any guy because high school guys are just really gross and it's really hard to get a good conversation going with them.

32:53 Caller And with Ryan, it's just really nice.

32:56 Adam Sure. That's right.

32:57 Bobcat Goldthwait What does Ryan do?

32:59 Caller Well, he's still in college.

33:01 Adam I see. Junior college?

33:02 Caller No, college college.

33:04 Adam So what college does he go to?

33:07 Caller CSUN.

33:08 Adam Yeah, that's barely, barely a college.

33:12 Caller Okay.

33:13 Adam Yes, the Santa Monica Junior College makes fun of CSUN, by the way. But anyway, he's 22 and you can talk to him because you're 17 and you're more mature than most of the guys.

33:22 Caller Yes. All right.

33:23 Adam And your parents are okay with it?

33:25 Caller Yeah, they're fine with it. If they weren't fine with it, then most likely I wouldn't go out with him.

33:29 Adam Well, what's your problem then? What's your question?

33:31 Caller Is it really that wrong? I mean...

33:33 Adam Is he a good guy?

33:34 Caller Yeah, he's a good guy. He completely respects me.

33:37 Adam Do you have sex with him?

33:38 Caller God, no.

33:39 Adam No?

33:40 Caller Not yet.

33:41 Caller I mean...

33:42 Dr. Bruce How long have you been going out?

33:43 Adam How long have you been going with him?

33:45 Caller About like a week or so.

33:46 Caller But we've been talking like every single day.

33:49 Bobcat Goldthwait A week? Hats off.

33:51 Caller We talk like every single day for like hours.

33:53 Dr. Bruce Here's the issue. It's normal for teenage girls to be more mature than guys. And so it's not unusual to find them very unattractive and unappealing. The problem when you get to somebody that's that much older, you're going to change immensely over the next several years. And if you get locked into a relationship, if you get physically involved with him, well, I'm telling her why it's a problem.

34:14 Adam All right. But she's in love with a guy. He's in college. She's a senior. Parents don't mind. You know, just take it slow.

34:20 Dr. Bruce We're not going to take her out of it.

34:22 Bobcat Goldthwait Does he care about you?

34:23 Caller Yeah, he really does.

34:24 Bobcat Goldthwait Does he buy you beer?

34:26 Caller Oh, not beer. I mean, I wouldn't drink it. I don't feel illegal.

34:30 Adam They got a good system. She buys the tickets when they go to the movies. And then after the movies, he scores the Mickey's big mouth and they go over to his folks place.

34:37 Dr. Bruce Right. Nobody's going to be able to talk you out of it. But it's good that you're asking the question. And the answer is, it's not a healthy situation to be in, and maintaining the relationship is...

34:47 Adam I'm all right with this one. All right.

34:49 Caller So it's really okay?

34:50 Dr. Bruce No.

34:50 Adam Yes. Listen, it's not a big age difference.

34:56 Bobcat Goldthwait You need to dump them for a 40-year-old.

34:58 Dr. Bruce Any counselor that you talk to is going to discourage you from getting heavily involved with somebody... Take it slow.

35:03 Adam Take it slow. Do not engage in any form of sodomy for a couple of weeks. And just take it slow. There you go.

35:11 Buck?

35:12 Caller Yeah, hey Adam, you're the king.

35:14 Adam Thank you. Are you drunk?

35:16 Caller Not yet.

35:17 Adam Okay.

35:19 Caller How you doing?

35:19 Adam Good, Buck. What's up?

35:21 Caller Uh, nothing. Bobcat, you're cool.

35:24 Bobcat Goldthwait Oh, thanks. That ought to keep the shotgun out of my mouth later on this evening.

35:28 Caller Yeah, put it in your ear.

35:29 Bobcat Goldthwait Thanks. I'll be like going, Buck thinks I'm cool.

35:32 Adam Buck, how old do you think Bobcat is?

35:36 Caller Uh, 38.

35:38 Bobcat Goldthwait All right, Buck.

35:39 Adam How the hell is going?

35:40 Bobcat Goldthwait Now, Buck, you sound like a smart guy. Now, what's your question?

35:42 Caller My question is, I just made up my question tonight so I could talk with you guys.

35:47 Bobcat Goldthwait Well, what was your make up question, Buck?

35:49 Caller Uh, that my wife was with three guys and I came home and saw them.

35:54 Adam Oh, and it was only two?

35:55 Caller No, it was four.

35:57 Caller All right.

35:58 Adam Buck, did you want to talk to us though or did you just want to kind of goof off?

36:02 Caller I wanted to get Bobcat and you guys, I want to get on the man show, Adam.

36:07 Adam Okay.

36:08 Caller You need me on the man show.

36:10 Adam I understand. What do you do besides lie?

36:13 Caller Uh, I make up good funnies. I'm good looking.

36:17 Adam Oh, I see. Yeah, we need more attractive men on the man show. We already have Jimmy Kimmel, one of the best looking men in the United States on the show.

36:26 Caller All right, all right, all right. I'll be, uh...

36:28 Bobcat Goldthwait What are funnies? Are funnies like zingers?

36:31 Adam You know, give us an example of a good bit you could contribute to the man show.

36:35 Caller A good bit I could...

36:37 Adam Yeah.

36:38 Caller Oh. Jeez, you put me on the line here, Adam.

36:41 Adam Well, wait a minute. Who called who and said they had a bunch of funnies for the man show?

36:45 Caller I didn't come up for auditions for the man show yet.

36:48 Bobcat Goldthwait All right, all right.

36:49 Caller All right, Buck.

36:50 Adam Listen, I'm hanging up on you.

36:51 Bobcat Goldthwait We need more guys like you in that office pronto. We need more guys like you over at the man show. You guys are gone. I didn't come up with the jokes yet.

37:00 Dr. Bruce Can he fart on demand or anything like that with his body parts?

37:03 Adam First off.

37:04 Bobcat Goldthwait That's not what the show is about.

37:05 Dr. Bruce Yeah, it's not. Well, the guy doesn't sound like he has a lot to say.

37:08 Adam It is about farting, but it's so much more. There's farting and then there's number one, and then there's masturbation, and then we're back to farting again. Timothy?

37:18 Caller Yeah.

37:18 Adam You're 13? What's up?

37:21 Caller I shaved my pubic hairs because they were coming up the side of my penis, and now there's itching down there and I can't get it to stop. I've conditioned it and used itch cream.

37:32 Adam You used itch cream?

37:33 Dr. Bruce What's itch cream?

37:34 Adam What is that?

37:35 Caller It comes in lip balm type thing, but it's not really like that and you just rub it on the skin around there.

37:42 Adam Itch cream now in lip balm can do it?

37:44 Bobcat Goldthwait Ah, maybe it's like Vicks Vaporobby's putting down there.

37:47 Dr. Bruce How long ago did you shave? When did you shave?

37:50 Caller Two weeks ago or so.

37:51 Bobcat Goldthwait Now you know it's only going to come back like crazy.

37:53 Caller That's right.

37:54 Dr. Bruce Do you have a lot of, are there a lot of red areas where the hairs come out of the skin?

37:58 Caller No.

37:59 Dr. Bruce Okay. Did you try just a white powder, a talc-type powder? Aftershower powder?

38:05 Adam It's going to grow back in and then it won't be a big deal.

38:07 Dr. Bruce Right.

38:08 Adam Yeah, you'll be fine. Meanwhile, people think you have crabs. That's cool. Because when you're 13, you know, it suggests you've been with a woman. I used to walk around scratching my groin needlessly, just so, you know, the word was put out that I was with somebody.

38:20 Dr. Bruce Yeah, Benadryl cream.

38:22 Bobcat Goldthwait I don't know what kind of...

38:22 Dr. Bruce Scratch and crotch?

38:24 Bobcat Goldthwait Well, the ladies like a guy scratching his crotch. I think he's got the crabs. Plus, Shaw, I think it's gonorrhea.

38:30 Adam That's right.

38:31 Bobcat Goldthwait Get in line.

38:32 Adam Fight would break out. Yeah. Timothy?

38:34 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah.

38:34 Adam Yeah, you're fine.

38:35 Bobcat Goldthwait Just let it grow back. You're 13 years old. What are you doing with a sharp object down there? You know, I...

38:41 Caller It wasn't really sharp. It was like a beard and mustache trimmer.

38:44 Bobcat Goldthwait I know, but, you know, I never even got my man fro till I was like about 18, 19.

38:51 Adam Yeah.

38:51 Bobcat Goldthwait Is anybody else seeing your crotch that you need this thing to clean it up?

38:55 Caller Uh, not really.

38:57 Adam And whose beard and mustache trimmer is it? Your dad's?

39:00 Caller No.

39:01 Adam It's yours.

39:02 Bobcat Goldthwait Oh, that's good.

39:02 Adam You own your own. And what's it for?

39:05 Dr. Bruce I don't know.

39:07 Bobcat Goldthwait Someone gave you this for Christmas and you're going, I got nothing to cut yet.

39:10 Adam You got the Don Johnson beard kit and he's 13 years old. All right. We will take ourselves another break. When we come back, we'll speak to Rachel. She's 23, is a stripper and has been in many threesomes. Thinks it's normal. Hold on a second. Rachel?

39:28 Caller Yeah.

39:28 Adam How many threesomes have you been in?

39:31 Caller I don't know. Like five, six.

39:34 Adam Five or six. All right. Two guys and you and two girls and you?

39:39 Caller Two guys and me, girls and me, guy and girl and mean.

39:43 Adam I see. Good times. Hold on a second.

39:46 Caller Okay.

39:46 Adam All right. We'll get back with Rachel and her threesomes, Dr. Bruce and Bobcat after this. It's the Loveline. I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Bruce filling in for Dr. Drew. Bobcat Goldthwait is our guest tonight. He'll be at the Irvine Improv next weekend, or this coming weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

40:37 Bobcat Goldthwait And Sunday, yeah, a special show for the kids.

40:40 Adam That's right. Sunday matinees.

40:42 Bobcat Goldthwait Uh-huh. How we doing, balloon animals? Looking forward to that.

40:46 Adam And also, Bob is touring the country, basically.

40:51 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah, check your local listings. I'm sure I'm at some chain-quality comedy club. But more importantly, the reason why a lot of horny dudes are driving around the block is to get back to this call.

41:02 Adam Rachel. Rachel?

41:03 Caller Hi, Adam.

41:04 Adam All right. So Rachel's 23. She's a stripper. Topless and bottomless?

41:10 Caller Totally new Gentleman's Club.

41:11 Adam I see. You're calling from Cincinnati? Do they serve alcohol?

41:17 Caller It's a private bottle club. They don't serve it, but you bring it in and drink it. They serve it back to you, basically.

41:23 Adam Right. You bring in beer and they like sell you a cup or something?

41:27 Bobcat Goldthwait I don't know.

41:28 Caller Whatever you bring in, they sell right back to you.

41:30 Bobcat Goldthwait Maybe clear that up. I don't understand the getting liquored up and seeing a vagina at the same time. Why that would make you go nuts. Why they have to have all these screwy laws.

41:39 Adam They do out here in California, but I don't think they have them in the rest of the country. Or they have some form of it like this when you bring in your own booze and they sell it back to you.

41:49 Dr. Bruce I went to a bachelor party in Dayton, Ohio, and they wouldn't allow any drinking where it was bottomless.

41:55 Adam Yeah.

41:55 Caller Well, in the state of Ohio, you're not supposed to have alcohol and nudity under the same roof.

41:59 Dr. Bruce Exactly.

42:00 Adam All right. So how about like if you're married? How does it work? How does it work that they bring the booze in and then it's sold back to them?

42:08 Dr. Bruce Well, they don't get as drunk that way.

42:10 Caller No.

42:10 Adam How does it work? Would you shut up? How does it work?

42:13 Caller You bring in like a 12 pack of beer and take it to the bar. The barmaid basically, you have a private membership and under your membership number, the bartender puts your membership number in the computer with what kind of beer you bring in and basically she'll sell it back to you for 250 a beer.

42:31 Adam I see.

42:31 Dr. Bruce They're in Utah to a corkage fee.

42:33 Adam They'll probably sell some money. It's funny there's something called corkage going on in a strip club. But anyway.

42:40 Caller A lot of people think it's really dumb. I don't understand it myself. I think it actually is cheaper though because like before we lost our liquor license it was like four bucks a beer.

42:48 Adam Easily.

42:48 Caller Two beers, there's your six pack.

42:50 Dr. Bruce How do they lose their liquor license?

42:52 Caller Starting out after hours. It's the club that's right next to the new Hustler.

42:56 Adam I see. All right. So you've had many threesomes.

43:00 Caller Right.

43:01 Adam And do you have a boyfriend?

43:03 Caller Yeah.

43:03 Adam And is he engaged in all these threesomes?

43:07 Caller Yeah. Well, he knows about all of them.

43:11 Adam I see.

43:11 Caller He's been in all but maybe two of them.

43:14 Adam I see. And what were the two that he wasn't included in?

43:16 Caller With other women.

43:18 Adam I see. He's all right with that.

43:19 Caller Right.

43:20 Adam And you're saying it's healthy. It's a normal sexual expression.

43:24 Caller Well, I'm not really saying that. I just kind of... Like last week, some guy called you and Dr. Drew and said, you know, his wife went off and had this threesome without him or whatever. And you guys went back to, well, you know, did her dad rape her? You know, you guys always go back to these theories about...

43:39 Adam Right, but it turned out her dad did rape her, right?

43:42 Caller Right, but now what if, you know...

43:43 Bobcat Goldthwait You're wondering why you do this?

43:46 Caller Right, well, I mean, it's not why I do this, but what's your theory on people who do do these things that...

43:50 Adam Well, they're usually a little chaotic.

43:52 Bobcat Goldthwait Never been a fantasy of mine.

43:53 Caller I think I am. I'm perfectly sane. I'm totally normal, you know?

43:56 Adam Right, but...

43:57 Bobcat Goldthwait Well, you're calling this show. If you don't have a problem, you wouldn't be calling.

44:00 Adam But you work at a nudey place and you got some boyfriend who's trying to start a band or something. And, you know, what's your boyfriend's name?

44:07 Bobcat Goldthwait What's the name of his band?

44:09 Caller He don't have a band. Actually, he works for...

44:10 Bobcat Goldthwait He don't have a band.

44:12 Caller He's working now for a local...

44:14 Bobcat Goldthwait You put the bird on the phone.

44:17 Caller A local chemical company. They go and clean up chemical spills around the world.

44:21 Adam I see. All right. So, he has a good job.

44:24 Caller Yeah.

44:25 Adam All right. And your family is normal?

44:27 Caller My family is normal. I went to college. Granted, it was a junior college. You have a series on that too.

44:32 Adam Oh, yes, I do.

44:34 Caller But after college, I went to work for a good health insurance company. Actually, for Blue Cross and Blue Shield, I got laid off from that job, got hard up for money, started stripping. That was like four years ago. The money is addictive, you know what I mean, to stripping. I make really good money stripping.

44:46 Adam How much money do you make on an average night?

44:48 Caller On an average night, I can make like $600. And that's working six hours.

44:53 Adam And that's all cash, right?

44:54 Caller That's all cash.

44:55 Adam Yeah. I'd do it if my ass wasn't so hairy, I'd get into it.

44:59 Dr. Bruce So Rachel, there are certain things that are commonly accepted as being normal or healthy and then other things that are not. And if you have a fundamental disagreement with that, which sounds like what you're at issue with, then it's difficult to prove anything or discuss it. But if you go to a therapist, they'll talk to you about boundaries, they'll ask you about your upbringing. And I think a lot of people in your industry have had abuse issues or a lot of chaos growing up in the home.

45:22 Adam You're talking about health care or stripping?

45:24 Dr. Bruce Stripping.

45:25 Adam I see. And the Blue Cross. Blue Cross people. Hey, Rachel. Yeah? Listen, we got to go to another call. But here's the situation. Fine, knock yourself out. God bless you. But when you settle down and you have kids and you get married, you should probably quit.

45:38 Caller Well, yeah, I don't plan on doing it forever.

45:40 Adam OK.

45:41 Caller But you have no theory on people who do these things?

45:44 Adam Oh, they usually, usually, usually a little, some chaos in the background. But you're not one of those people. That's most people. It's not all people.

45:52 Dr. Bruce But the issue is if you're trying to achieve intimacy in a relationship, it just sabotages that and it's almost 100% failure for the relationship when you start acting out in this way. So it just doesn't...

46:03 Adam Has your boyfriend been with you with another guy, too?

46:06 Caller Yeah.

46:06 Adam That doesn't bother him?

46:08 Caller No.

46:08 Adam What's he do with the guy?

46:10 Caller He doesn't do anything with the guy.

46:12 Adam But still, there's got to be some junk brushage going on, doesn't there?

46:16 Caller I don't know. I don't really pay attention.

46:18 Adam All right, Rachel.

46:19 Bobcat Goldthwait Hey, dude, that's my...

46:21 Adam Rachel, you know you're screwed up, though, right? I see.

46:23 Caller I don't think I am.

46:24 Dr. Bruce She doesn't think so.

46:24 Caller Honestly.

46:25 Adam Well, just the fact that you have a bird is enough.

46:28 Bobcat Goldthwait What's the bird's name?

46:30 Caller Uh, Dean.

46:31 Bobcat Goldthwait Hey, Dean, there's a shout-out going on here. Dean, humans must die.

46:36 Dr. Bruce It's difficult not working out a relationship between two people when you start throwing other people into the maze.

46:41 Bobcat Goldthwait You know, the threesome is like, hey, how can I wake up with two disappointed ladies? Not a big fantasy of mine.

46:49 Adam All right, we're going to take a break. Listen, if it works for her and she's young and what the hell, then go ahead and do it.

46:55 Dr. Bruce It doesn't work for her, though, and the problem is she's calling at one point when she thinks it does. It doesn't work for anybody.

47:00 Adam All right.

47:01 Dr. Bruce And it's the fastest way to...

47:02 Bobcat Goldthwait All right, Bruce.

47:03 Dr. Bruce Blah, blah, blah, blah.

47:04 Bobcat Goldthwait All right, Buzzkill.

47:05 Adam The Bible's calling you. Go get to it. We're going to take ourselves a little break. Bobcat Goldthwait is here, Dr. Bruce is here, and we'll be back with Vic, who has a major problem after this.

47:18 Caller Loveline with Adam Corolla and Dr. Drew.

47:20 Caller 1-800-LOVE-1-N1. You can call me right back.

47:57 Adam Hey, Loveline, I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Bruce, Dr. Bruce, filling in for Dr. Drew tonight. He's a board certified addiction medicine specialist that does tattoo removal. Addiction medicine specialist. He's probably smarter, I dare say, than Drew, or at least has studied more.

48:16 Dr. Bruce Where's the punch line?

48:17 Adam Probably know more about medicine than Drew, right?

48:19 Bobcat Goldthwait Really? Like if you're sick, you'd go to Bruce and not Drew?

48:22 Adam I think I would, I would.

48:23 Bobcat Goldthwait Like if I was feeling ill and I had a misspelled tattoo, Bruce, right away.

48:27 Adam Bruce is the guy.

48:28 Dr. Bruce Here's the thing, Drew wouldn't see him because his boundaries are very, very clear in terms of treating friends and he figures that mine aren't as healthy, so he goes to me.

48:35 Bobcat Goldthwait I've asked Drew like medical problems, I had some ass problems a few years back.

48:39 Dr. Bruce He would not see you.

48:40 Bobcat Goldthwait He didn't see me, but he told me what to do with my ass problems.

48:43 Dr. Bruce Go see another doctor.

48:44 Adam He told me what to do with my ass problem, too, which was nothing.

48:48 Bobcat Goldthwait Where is that? Where is Drew?

48:51 Adam Somebody dropped a quarter in Dayton and he's gone over there to pick it up. I have no idea where he is.

48:56 Dr. Bruce He's picked that quarter up the last five times I've been here. You've got to go there.

49:00 Bobcat Goldthwait Hello, caller.

49:01 Dr. Bruce Vic.

49:02 Caller Hey, what up, Adam? How are you doing?

49:03 Adam Good. You're 19. What's up?

49:04 Caller Yeah, I'm 19. That's correct. I'm from Detroit, represent blah, blah, blah. Bobcat, you're funny, but I'm funnier. Adam, you're cool. But you're cooler? Right. I got myself a little dilemma about two, two and a half weeks ago. There's a girl called me out. Her name's Julie. She goes about three blocks away from me.

49:23 Bobcat Goldthwait Is she bling, bling?

49:26 Caller Yeah. She's like come over, da, da, da. My dad just left, blah, blah, blah, the whole spiel. So I come over the crib. We're doing our thing in a room, blah, blah, blah. Next thing I know, I don't even remember what happened because I was on top of her, we're under the covers. And all I know is I look up, the blanket's pulled off me, and there's a gun pointed at me, it's her father. So I'm thinking, oh great, you know, I'm like, so I get up, I jump up, and I'm, you know, I'm completely naked. I get up, I throw my boxers on, he's like yelling at his daughter, da, da, da, you know, flipping out, like I'm talking like going crazy. So I'm like, I'm not going to stick around for this. So as I'm like running out the door, I get shot in my leg. So it didn't like, it hurt, but like it was like pure adrenaline, I'm running, I'm went in, I'm just trying to get the hell out of there, you know, I'm like in the living room.

50:16 Bobcat Goldthwait God, I hate that when you get shot.

50:18 Caller Yeah, you know, just another day in the hood though, you know.

50:20 Adam He shot you in the leg because you were on top of his daughter. How old is his daughter?

50:26 Caller She's 18, I think.

50:28 Bobcat Goldthwait And how old is their dad?

50:29 Caller He looked around.

50:31 Bobcat Goldthwait No, I don't give a rat's ass.

50:33 Adam All right, so are you sure she's of age?

50:36 Caller Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. I mean, I grew up with a girl, she was about six houses away from me.

50:40 Adam All right, so she's an adult.

50:42 Caller Yeah.

50:43 Adam Okay, and you had sex with her, you got shot in the leg.

50:46 Caller Yeah.

50:46 Adam And what was your next move?

50:48 Caller My next move was I'll bounce to the crib. I'm hopping down the sidewalk. Like, I made a big scene in the neighbors because the guy came out shooting, he shot the gun in the air a couple more times. Don't ever come back to my house again.

50:59 Caller I'll kill you, stupid head.

51:01 Caller And he started like, you know, he went on...

51:02 Bobcat Goldthwait Stupid head?

51:03 Adam I don't know, he's going to start pulling out the... I mean, getting shot is one thing, but being called stupid head.

51:07 Bobcat Goldthwait The line has been drawn in the sand. Listen, are you able to get a boner anymore? Because with that kind of Pavlovic stimuli, you know, every time I thought about getting a heart on, I'm thinking about getting shot in the leg. I don't know if it'd work.

51:18 Caller No, that's actually later on in my question, but I'm just giving you guys the basic outline of what happened.

51:23 Dr. Bruce I see. Did you go to the hospital?

51:24 Caller Yeah, so what happened was, EMS got called, I went to the hospital, I was in the hospital for about a week, week and a half, because I lost a lot of blood and that whole thing. And my main question was this, when I'm lying in bed, I get up real quick, like this has just happened, as you said, Vic, you're on the phone, I went to get up and I get real white headed, I gotta sit back down.

51:44 Adam I see.

51:45 Caller And so, that's not even a big thing.

51:48 Adam Now wait, how long ago did this happen?

51:50 Caller About a week, a week and a half ago. I was in the hospital for about a week and a half, I just got out today, so.

51:54 Adam Okay, so you're just out of the hospital. What happened to this guy? Did the cops show up?

51:58 Caller Well, I'm assuming he's in jail, hopefully. I mean, Detroit police showed up, everything. He got taken away.

52:04 Bobcat Goldthwait Well, then you better get right back over that house. Yeah, before he gets rolled. You better get right in there.

52:09 Caller Yeah, but yeah, there's some drama.

52:10 Bobcat Goldthwait You gotta get back on the bike. You got thrown off, young man.

52:13 Caller There's some drama in the neighborhood right now, but I mean, whatever, there's nothing I can't work out myself.

52:17 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah, it's none of those beeswax.

52:18 Caller Another problem I have is like, so when I get up, but I realized I just took a joint to the head, you know? And when I smoke a J, it's just like no big deal. Like I don't get lightheaded. But the only thing they gave me is a whole bunch. I'm on a viking too. So like this joint just really hit good with the vikings. You know what I'm saying?

52:36 Adam Yeah. What I'll do is crush up the viking and put it in the joint.

52:39 Caller No, I never tried that.

52:40 Dr. Bruce Yeah, that's a little comedy here.

52:42 Adam Yeah.

52:43 Dr. Bruce So what's your question?

52:44 Adam Well, he wants to know why he's lightheaded.

52:46 Caller Yeah, like an inability to pop.

52:48 Adam You got a slug in your thigh, you got a viking in and a joint in you.

52:53 Bobcat Goldthwait And you're all hopped up on the pot.

52:54 Caller I'm just chilling, you know.

52:56 Dr. Bruce Okay, there's something called postural hypotension, which is the most likely thing when you get up quickly and your blood supply, it pools out. And especially after you've had an injury like that, you lost a lot of blood, you're still going to be having a little problem with your blood volume. So, and then secondly, taking a viking in for some people, and the first thing you ask somebody when they-

53:14 Caller What they can't tell me about the whole thing is I couldn't even bust my nut, you know? They got me to the hospital at Blue Ball.

53:19 Dr. Bruce Okay, well, I can't solve that problem.

53:22 Adam That's the biggest tragedy of the whole story, is that you couldn't bust your nut.

53:25 Caller I couldn't even get my nut on, you know?

53:27 Dr. Bruce Right, so the most common thing with most people is medication.

53:29 Adam Who says chivalry is dead, by the way? Go ahead, Bruce.

53:33 Dr. Bruce Blood loss. No, I'm done.

53:35 Adam Alright, so-

53:36 Dr. Bruce Postural hypotension.

53:37 Adam You should just relax for a little while longer.

53:39 Dr. Bruce He needs to chill in the crib without the viking in and pot, and get up a little more slowly.

53:44 Bobcat Goldthwait Keep practicing that safe sex.

53:46 Adam I smell great things in the future for Fisk. I really do.

53:51 Dr. Bruce He's one of your big fans, though.

53:52 Adam We'll be reading about him in Forbes in a few short months. Chill?

53:57 Yes.

53:58 Adam You're 26.

53:59 Caller I am.

54:00 Adam What's up?

54:02 Caller This is embarrassing. I've been married for a couple of years, and my husband has to be away now for work, and he's been away for a couple of months.

54:14 Adam What's he do?

54:16 Caller He's in the military.

54:17 Adam I see. He's shipped off somewhere? Yeah. All right, and he won't be back for a little while?

54:23 Caller Yeah, not for another like six months.

54:26 Adam I see.

54:28 Caller I've been having these type of dreams that I've never had before. I've heard that, well, of course, everyone knows guys and their wet dreams or whatever, but can women do that too? Because I think that's what I've been doing.

54:45 Adam Yes, they can. You've been having orgasm in your sleep, right?

54:48 Caller Yes.

54:49 Adam Yeah, you can do that. You can probably do it easier than a guy can.

54:53 Caller Well, how come it's never happened before? I'd be doing a lot more sleeping.

54:58 Adam Well, I mean...

54:59 Dr. Bruce Your husband's away not having sex, right?

55:01 Caller Right.

55:01 Dr. Bruce Okay, so...

55:02 Adam That's one reason. Your tensions are building. You got a little congestion built up down there. Number two, sometimes women hit their sexual prime a little bit later. You know, you may not have been as into it at 17 as you are now 26.

55:15 Caller I see.

55:16 Adam You know what I mean? You've changed. You've evolved.

55:18 Caller Well, why couldn't I have evolved while he was still home?

55:22 Bobcat Goldthwait Is this something you really want? Like every time you take a nap, like, oh, you know.

55:27 Caller Well, no. But if it was that easy to have an orgasm, it would have been nice to have my husband here.

55:32 Bobcat Goldthwait I would be jealous of your dreams. I got.

55:35 Adam Wake up. Wake up.

55:37 Dr. Bruce Because there are no technique issues in your dreams either. I mean, it's just a pure response to the thought.

55:42 Adam Well, wait a minute. Are you unable to have orgasm with your husband?

55:47 Caller It's difficult.

55:47 Bobcat Goldthwait Not with him out of town, I guess.

55:50 Caller Yeah, it's been difficult, but not only with my husband. It's been difficult throughout my sexual life.

55:55 Adam Right. And that includes your brother and your uncle and everyone else, right? Oh, yeah.

55:59 Caller Sure.

56:00 Adam And now, does your husband give you oral sex?

56:04 Caller He tries to, but I don't like it. Why not? It makes me uncomfortable.

56:10 Adam Why?

56:11 Caller I don't know. It just does.

56:13 Adam Well, has anything ever happened to you?

56:15 Caller What do you mean?

56:16 Adam Well, I mean, did anyone ever make you feel uncomfortable before?

56:19 Caller Yeah.

56:19 Adam Who was that?

56:21 Caller Oh, it was a long time ago when I was a kid.

56:23 Adam Oh, I see. Who was that?

56:25 Caller It was like some old babysitter.

56:28 Adam Who did what to you?

56:30 Caller It just made me feel uncomfortable.

56:33 Adam I see.

56:34 Dr. Bruce Were you molested or were you just... Okay.

56:37 Adam All right. By the babysitter?

56:38 Caller Yeah.

56:39 Adam All right. Well, that's probably one of the reasons you're having a little difficulty. So you're having trouble relaxing, being intimate with your husband, but when you're asleep, your mind tends to relax and it runs wild and then you have an orgasm.

56:52 Caller Okay.

56:52 Dr. Bruce And your conscious mind's not getting in the way.

56:54 Adam So how about getting a little therapy for the molestation episode that happened when you're younger?

56:59 Caller I have. I've had lots of therapy. Yeah. But also another thing that is bothering me about the dreams is my husband's not in the dreams.

57:08 Adam I see.

57:09 Caller And there's even been a woman in the dreams.

57:12 Adam Yeah.

57:12 Caller Who I don't know, but.

57:14 Bobcat Goldthwait Estelle Getty?

57:15 Caller Pardon?

57:16 Bobcat Goldthwait Estelle Getty?

57:17 Caller No.

57:18 Adam One of the Golden Girls?

57:20 Bobcat Goldthwait Who is in the dream? I'll tell you if you should be weird. Is it someone you know?

57:26 Caller Well, someone from TV.

57:27 Bobcat Goldthwait Who is it from TV?

57:30 Dr. Bruce Bobcat?

57:30 Caller Oh my gosh.

57:31 Adam Is it someone from TV?

57:34 Bobcat Goldthwait Be real careful.

57:35 Caller Monica from Friends.

57:40 Dr. Bruce Well, that's not a bad choice.

57:41 Caller Yeah.

57:42 Adam I've got a few of her.

57:43 Caller Why am I dreaming about a woman?

57:45 Bobcat Goldthwait I don't know. I feel the way about Screech, you know, Desmond Diamond. I wake up with a raging heart on when I think about Saved by the Bell.

57:53 Caller Oh no.

57:54 Adam Hey, Jill, listen, the reason your husband is not in the dreams is because, A, what do you need him for? You got him in reality. Why dream about him? Number two, you don't equate him with an orgasm, so he'd only get in the way.

58:06 Bobcat Goldthwait Is that goofy Arquette guy in there?

58:09 Caller No, no.

58:11 Adam David Arquette's not involved in the dreams?

58:13 Caller No, but Chandler is.

58:15 Bobcat Goldthwait Chandler? Wow. So you're just pulling a train with the friends. Like the real good friends. But is it every night? Is it the...

58:23 Caller Chandler is not in the dreams. I was joking.

58:25 Bobcat Goldthwait Oh, all right, all right. Well, I'm a comic. I don't...

58:27 Caller It can be funny.

58:28 Bobcat Goldthwait I know. I'm a comic. I don't like sarcasm or irony and I never get jokes. Listen, is it only the friends program? You know what I mean?

58:37 Caller No, that's just... See, I answer too many questions.

58:42 Bobcat Goldthwait All right.

58:43 Adam Listen, don't freak out. Most women have these fantasies. It doesn't mean you're going lesbian.

58:49 Bobcat Goldthwait If you switch over to Nash Bridges, then you got problems.

58:52 Adam Yeah, then call us.

58:53 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah, like, oh my God, teach me in.

58:56 Dr. Bruce Dreams are an outlet for outrageous thoughts you might have in fantasy. As long as you don't start worrying about the comparison to you.

59:05 Bobcat Goldthwait What was that, Bruce?

59:06 Dr. Bruce You don't worry about what's going on with your husband. You're not as sexually responsive.

59:09 Bobcat Goldthwait Use complete words. We're going to get the FCC down here pretty fast.

59:13 Dr. Bruce As long as you don't worry about that, then don't compare it to your normal life and don't worry about outrageous dreams.

59:18 Adam And a little more therapy and see if you can relax a little with your husband so you can have the orgasm. Lucy, God knows what he's doing in Manila right now. Lucy, you're 18.

59:28 Caller Yeah.

59:29 Adam What's up?

59:30 Caller Well, I was coming because I've been going out with this guy for a few months. And we're like really, really close, but okay, this is kind of interesting. I'm bisexual. And I kind of have the idea of bringing a woman sort of into our relationship, not really, just kind of for fun. But the issue is not like how to bring it up with him, because we've talked about it before. It's kind of how to bring it up to her.

1:00:04 Adam Well, who's her?

1:00:05 Caller Okay, she's this girl who I've known for a really long time.

1:00:07 Bobcat Goldthwait Monica from Friends?

1:00:09 Caller No.

1:00:10 Caller No, she's not. But she's this girl. We've been friends for a really long time. And before I got together with my boyfriend, she and I, we have had sex before.

1:00:20 Adam Yeah.

1:00:22 Caller And we're just really close.

1:00:24 Adam Well, does she like your boyfriend?

1:00:26 Caller Yeah.

1:00:27 Adam She does?

1:00:27 Caller We get along really well.

1:00:28 Okay.

1:00:29 Adam How do you think they get along if they were naked in the same bed?

1:00:34 Caller Well, see, the thing is, is like, it's not, it's really difficult to explain because she has had, like, a lot of, a lot of difficulties with just, like, feeling like she's cared for romantically. And, like, I really care about her. And, like, my boyfriend's okay with us sort of, like, I don't know, with both of us being really caring towards her. Like, it's not so much about, like, the fact that I really want to have sex with this girl. It's more about how, like, I want to show her that people can be caring and stuff because she had a really big, like...

1:01:05 Adam All right. But do you have to go down on her in order to prove that to her?

1:01:10 Caller Well, she liked it last time. But, uh...

1:01:13 Adam I see. So, in order to show that you're caring for her, you have to go down on her while your boyfriend just sort of strokes it in the corner?

1:01:21 Caller No, no, it's not like that, really.

1:01:24 Adam Well, okay, listen, screwball. You're very chaotic. And what you're looking for here is to proudly screw with this relationship. You know what I mean? I mean, you got a relationship with a guy. Everything's fine. And now you have to take in this sort of bisexual friend of yours and show her that you care for her. It's kind of a weird instinct. It's gonna undo the relationship.

1:01:48 Bobcat Goldthwait Aren't you afraid of losing her or him, your boyfriend?

1:01:53 Caller Yeah, kind of.

1:01:55 Bobcat Goldthwait Well, then you shouldn't do it.

1:01:57 Adam Kind of, but not really.

1:01:58 Bobcat Goldthwait I think maybe you're just bored.

1:02:00 Caller No, it's not. No, it's not quite like that.

1:02:03 Bobcat Goldthwait No, you're like, oh, I think I need to help my friend. I like the fact that your boyfriend was such a pillar and he said, you know what, honey, I'm willing.

1:02:12 Adam Yeah.

1:02:12 Bobcat Goldthwait You know, I'll throw it to her.

1:02:14 Caller You know, I knew you guys were gonna say that, actually.

1:02:16 Adam That's right. He's such a philanthropist. I'll get the wine cooler.

1:02:20 Bobcat Goldthwait How long have you been a slave to this decision? I don't know what to do.

1:02:24 Caller Bobcat, congratulations on everyone thinking that you're like mid to late 30s.

1:02:28 Bobcat Goldthwait Oh, thanks.

1:02:30 Caller Yeah, because I used to watch your really creepy show.

1:02:33 What are you getting mad at me?

1:02:34 Bobcat Goldthwait You caught up with them goofball question about asking us permission to go bang your friend and you're getting mad at me.

1:02:41 Caller I'm not mad at you. I just think it's cool.

1:02:44 Caller Your show was kind of creepy.

1:02:45 Adam How old do you think he is?

1:02:47 Caller Oh, God, let's see. I think I know this. You're, what, like 52?

1:02:53 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah, that's right.

1:02:54 Adam There you go.

1:02:55 Bobcat Goldthwait No, actually, I'm 65.

1:02:57 Adam Right, so it looks good for his age.

1:02:59 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah.

1:02:59 Dr. Bruce Okay, so Lucy, it sounds like you consider this a therapeutic opportunity. But you understand that whether, I don't know who wrote the rules, but when you start with threesomes or bringing other people into your bed, it's a recipe for disaster and it will break up the current relationship. And this other person has chaos in their background that led to her not trusting people and getting her involved sexually with you is going to add to the chaos. It's going to make her life more chaotic and it's going to destroy your relationship.

1:03:26 Adam But she knows it. You're going to ruin the relationship, but that's what you want to do. You do. You don't even know it, but you do.

1:03:34 Caller No, I probably do know it.

1:03:35 Adam You're going to screw this relationship up, your boyfriend one way or another, no matter what we tell you, right? Yeah, because you're chaotic.

1:03:43 Caller Yes.

1:03:44 Adam You like chaos.

1:03:45 Caller True.

1:03:45 Adam All right, fine. That's why you're bi, right?

1:03:49 Caller Yeah, that's right.

1:03:50 Adam All right. So don't get married to the guy. Don't have any kids. Get it all out of your system. See a shrink, figure it out, and then get your head screwed on straight in a few years.

1:04:00 Bobcat Goldthwait Why do you insult him?

1:04:01 Dr. Bruce We'll get you head screwed on now.

1:04:02 Bobcat Goldthwait These two guys say the same thing I say, but I'm creepy and old.

1:04:06 Caller No, I think it's cool that everybody thinks you're like hip. I think that's awesome. I hope I can be like you one day.

1:04:13 Bobcat Goldthwait Why would I be hip if I was in my thirties? I am in my thirties.

1:04:17 Adam You mean when you're in your fifties, like Bob, you hope that the younger generation can look at you as one of their own, right?

1:04:24 Caller I hope people will call me up and be like, dude, you're fine.

1:04:27 Bobcat Goldthwait Oh, well, whatever. Yeah, that threw me off too, but... And would you just straighten out the age thing? How old, how many years older am I than you?

1:04:37 Adam I think you are... Well, the thing, here's our...

1:04:40 Bobcat Goldthwait I already said I was 38.

1:04:42 Adam Here's our fundamental problem. Bob is only two years older than I am, but Bob was in show business for like 14 years before I got into show business.

1:04:52 Bobcat Goldthwait So it appears that you're older. Right, you were laying on the carpet, yeah.

1:04:55 Adam Right.

1:04:55 Bobcat Goldthwait But I never looked young, you know what I mean? Like I said, I was twenty when I was on Letterman the first time. They didn't say, here's a young kid with a dream.

1:05:01 Adam No, people have known you and seen you and seen, you know, movies that you're in, like Scrooge, that were, you know, how old is Scrooge now?

1:05:10 Dr. Bruce Is it like 17 years old or something? I don't know.

1:05:14 Adam It's really a compliment.

1:05:15 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah, if you look closely, I'm in the Zapruder film.

1:05:19 Adam Here's what people think about you, Bob. Here's to God's honest. They think when you were on Letterman, when you were on the Tonight Show, when you were doing movies in the Police Academy and all that stuff, they figured you were probably in your mid later 20s at that time because they're just assuming that's how old guys are when they're on these shows. The reality is, is you were 1920 and 21, and so people have taken those years and tacked it on and made you 52. That's all.

1:05:48 Bobcat Goldthwait Oh, good. That's a good spin. I feel a lot better.

1:05:50 Adam Yeah, I'd be your publicist.

1:05:53 Bobcat Goldthwait Hello?

1:05:53 Caller Hello?

1:05:54 Adam You're 15. What's up?

1:05:55 Caller Yeah. Okay. I've had this boyfriend for like three or four months. We had sex for the first time and he went down on me and it was horrible. It was like, I don't know, I told him the thoughts and like afterwards, my clit was kind of swollen and I don't know what that was from.

1:06:18 Adam Well, what was bad about it? He didn't put out a cigar first? What happened?

1:06:23 Caller Well, I don't know, it just like hurt.

1:06:26 Adam He was being too rough?

1:06:28 Caller Yeah, I'm pretty sure, but I don't know why he got swollen.

1:06:34 Adam Well, he irritated you probably. Oh, okay.

1:06:38 Caller And I've been trying to get on your show for a long time. I listen to it all the time.

1:06:41 Adam Oh, thanks. So you're still going out with this guy, right?

1:06:44 Caller Yeah.

1:06:45 Adam Has he been down there since?

1:06:48 Caller Yeah. It was the second time. It didn't get swollen.

1:06:52 Adam Right.

1:06:52 Caller But I don't know what that was from. It was just weird because that was the first time that anybody's ever done that to me.

1:06:59 Adam Well, I mean, first time someone went down on you, first time someone irritated you?

1:07:02 Caller Well, first time somebody went down on me.

1:07:04 Adam I see. Well, listen, he probably wasn't exercising good technique. He probably irritated your clitoris a little bit. It got swollen. Bruce, stop me from wrong.

1:07:14 Bobcat Goldthwait No, very good.

1:07:15 Adam And now he's smoothed out.

1:07:18 Bobcat Goldthwait Well, I'm concerned that this guy didn't stop when you asked him to stop. That's kind of a drag.

1:07:25 Adam Didn't he stop?

1:07:26 Caller He did. He did it for like a little bit after that, but then he stopped because I hit him on the head. I felt bad for him to stop.

1:07:35 Adam Did you use a table lamp or an ashtray or just your hand?

1:07:38 Caller Just my hand.

1:07:39 Bobcat Goldthwait Don't use a taser because in that position, that charge will go right through you.

1:07:43 Dr. Bruce How old is this guy?

1:07:44 Caller He's 18.

1:07:45 Adam All right. So he's refining his technique now with you?

1:07:50 Caller I guess, yeah. I had also one more.

1:07:53 Adam Hey, baby, you're 15. You can't slow it down a little bit?

1:07:56 Caller Yeah. Well, I thought he was the first person I've ever had sex with. So, I don't know.

1:08:02 Dr. Bruce Okay. There's a real problem with you being with a guy that's 18. And there are laws against it and there are good reasons for that. So not that I think you're going to listen, but it's not healthy for you, and especially if you're having sex with the guy. There are infections you can get even if you just has oral sex with you. You can get a yeast infection or you can get other things like gonorrhea.

1:08:22 Adam That's right.

1:08:22 Bobcat Goldthwait Piorrhea.

1:08:23 Dr. Bruce So have you had a pelvic exam since?

1:08:25 Caller No.

1:08:26 Dr. Bruce Have you ever had one?

1:08:27 Caller No.

1:08:28 Dr. Bruce What kind of birth control are you using?

1:08:31 Really?

1:08:32 Dr. Bruce And they didn't do a pelvic exam before they started you on that?

1:08:35 Caller No.

1:08:36 Dr. Bruce Okay. You need to go get a pelvic exam.

1:08:37 Bobcat Goldthwait Did you get a football phone when you got the phone you called us on? Did you?

1:08:42 Adam Who gave you the depot shot?

1:08:45 Caller There was a place in this place called Astro Tree. It was like a health care clinic.

1:08:51 Adam And they didn't give you a checkup. They just gave it a shot, huh?

1:08:54 Caller Yeah. Well.

1:08:57 Dr. Bruce That's a real problem. It's a real problem that you're sexually active with this guy. And a lot of people assume they're on depot purveyor. They're taking birth control pills. They don't have to use a condom. And a lot of people transmit sexually transmitted diseases that way. You can get sexually transmitted diseases just having oral sex. So there are a lot of reasons that you're in trouble. And you'll find out you're in trouble dating a guy that's 18 when you're 15. You'll realize it's a disaster, but you probably won't realize it until it's too late.

1:09:22 Adam Yeah. You'll be in your 70s.

1:09:23 Dr. Bruce But get a pelvic exam tomorrow.

1:09:25 Caller Okay.

1:09:26 Dr. Bruce Just because it's swelling went down doesn't mean you're not infected with something at this point. Hey.

1:09:30 Caller Can I ask you one more question?

1:09:31 Adam Yeah.

1:09:33 Caller I've been in counseling for like two years now. Because like when I was little, my dad used to like really beat me and my family and my mom a lot. And he committed suicide. My dad did. He got an overdose and he shot himself in the head. And it was really like devastating to me. And like, I don't know, like I can't get off on like a lot of things.

1:10:03 Adam Yeah. How old were you when he did this?

1:10:05 Bobcat Goldthwait Can I plug my improv date right now?

1:10:07 Caller Hey, it was from whenever I was born till I was ten.

1:10:12 Adam No, but he killed himself when you were ten?

1:10:15 Caller Yeah. All right.

1:10:16 Adam Sandy, here's the deal. This is a devastating situation. You've had a real difficult life and it's going to take some work for you to get back. You understand? You've got to get some counseling. You can't just find it in older men. You can't find it through sexual expression. You have to do some work. You have to get some counseling. You've got to get involved with that aspect of life. Otherwise, you're not going to have a normal life. The good news is you can do this stuff and you can have a good life. But you have to do these things.

1:10:44 Dr. Bruce Do you have a counselor now?

1:10:46 Caller Yeah. It's through my school. I go to a community school.

1:10:50 Dr. Bruce Does the counselor know that you're seeing an 18-year-old guy?

1:10:54 Caller Um, no. I haven't mentioned that.

1:10:56 Dr. Bruce Okay. You gotta mention that because counseling is totally ineffective unless you're perfectly honest about it and not telling your counselor is going to sabotage the counseling.

1:11:06 Adam Alright. So talk to the counselor. And I was just thinking with this pelvic exam and how many women should get them and don't get them. And then I started thinking about the book mobile. What about the pelvic exam mobile? I should try that. The old Weber's Bakery truck that's been converted into a rolling gynecologist office.

1:11:25 Bobcat Goldthwait Well, I'm sure there's guys that have that, but they're not sanctioned.

1:11:28 Adam Yeah, it's a van. It says Love Tron and Rainbow Tape on the side of that. It's got Craig or Mags on it.

1:11:34 Bobcat Goldthwait With a Frazetta painting.

1:11:35 Caller Captain's...

1:11:36 Adam Boris, I think.

1:11:38 Dr. Bruce It's not a bad idea.

1:11:40 Adam Yeah.

1:11:40 Dr. Bruce It's really not a bad idea because...

1:11:42 Adam Honey, you lie down and study the rust-colored shag on the headliner and I'll get to work.

1:11:47 Bobcat Goldthwait Alright. Just swing the barrel seat around.

1:11:48 Adam Yeah. When you hear the Uncle Henry Hoogahorn, that means it's time to come down.

1:11:53 Dr. Bruce It's unconscionable to start a 15-year-old on birth control without doing a pelvic. It's unbelievable. And Sandy, you need to have a pelvic tomorrow.

1:12:01 Adam Alright. When we come back, we will speak to Jeb, who just got circumcised at the age of 14 and now has a rash. Hold on.

1:12:11 Caller Real quick.

1:12:12 Adam Just got to circumcision, huh? Yeah. Your parents are real procrastinators. Why did you just get it?

1:12:20 Dr. Bruce Converted to Jewish.

1:12:21 Caller Well, I didn't really go to a professional to get it done.

1:12:24 Bobcat Goldthwait Oh, great. Stay on the line. This is good.

1:12:26 Adam Hold on.

1:12:27 Bobcat Goldthwait Everybody wants to hear the end of this story.

1:12:30 Adam Alright. We'll take a little break. Bruce and Bobcat are here. We'll everyone hang on to your junk because we're going to find out about this botch circumcision.

1:12:39 Bobcat Goldthwait This cut rate.

1:12:40 Dr. Bruce My parents got a new cutlery set after this.

1:12:43 Loveline, Loveline, 1-800-LOVE-191, we'll be right back.

1:13:18 Adam It's Loveline, I'm Adam Corolla, that is Dr. Bruce. Fill it in for Dr. Drew and Bobcat Goldthwait as our guest tonight. He'll be down at the Irvine Improv Friday, Saturday, and Sunday this weekend, and check your local free rag to find out where he's going to be in a town near you. Let's...

1:13:37 Bobcat Goldthwait Oh, this is the kid who gave himself a circumcision or something?

1:13:40 Adam That's right. That is Jeb. One of the many reasons not to name your kid Jeb.

1:13:46 Caller Jeb?

1:13:47 Caller Hi.

1:13:49 Caller Yeah.

1:13:49 Adam Yeah. So, you got a circumcision just recently.

1:13:53 Caller About a month ago, yeah.

1:13:54 Dr. Bruce But it was a non-professional. How does that play out?

1:13:57 Caller Well, I'm in this sex health class, then, and we were going over the male reproductive system, and my teacher said that sometimes if a kid isn't circumcised, male, anything, they can get that disease in there because it gets moist or whatever, anyway. Right. So I read this book on circumcision. Wow.

1:14:21 Bobcat Goldthwait You are a real self-starter, young man.

1:14:23 Adam Yeah.

1:14:24 Caller Yeah. So, and I kind of shy with my genitalia.

1:14:30 Adam You're shy with it.

1:14:31 Caller I don't really like... It's not one of my big things to have other people look at it and cut something from it.

1:14:36 Adam I understand.

1:14:37 Caller So, we just, I read the whole thing on it and I got some wire cutters.

1:14:44 Bobcat Goldthwait Now, this time...

1:14:45 Adam Oh, hold on a second. Hold on.

1:14:47 Bobcat Goldthwait Does Time Life have like a book series on...

1:14:50 Caller I got a series, yes.

1:14:51 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah.

1:14:53 Adam It comes with the Gunfighter series and the Add a Deck to Your House series.

1:14:57 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah.

1:14:58 Adam So, Jeb, you got yourself some wire cutters, some dikes?

1:15:03 Caller Yeah. They're pretty new and stuff and just seem sharp.

1:15:08 Bobcat Goldthwait Ah, cheese and crackers.

1:15:10 Adam Keep going.

1:15:11 Caller And so I just kind of did what the book says.

1:15:21 Adam What did the book say to do?

1:15:23 Caller Well, you just like, you cut a little hole. You know how circumcision goes and it just went through the whole process.

1:15:30 Adam Yes.

1:15:30 Caller And so I did that thing.

1:15:32 Bobcat Goldthwait Are you for real? Did you pass out? Is this a crank call?

1:15:37 Dr. Bruce Nice and jar call.

1:15:38 Adam Yeah.

1:15:38 Caller Really painful and all, but anyway.

1:15:40 Adam What did you do to numb yourself?

1:15:43 Caller I kind of just hung it in ice for a long while until it was numb enough, so.

1:15:50 Adam You did what?

1:15:51 Dr. Bruce I hung it in ice.

1:15:52 Adam Oh, you hung it in ice. You iced it.

1:15:54 Caller Yeah.

1:15:55 Adam I see. And then you cut it with the lineman dikes.

1:15:58 Caller Yeah. And I did the whole thing in the jigger.

1:16:02 Adam You got all the foreskin with one snip?

1:16:04 Caller Well, I did whatever it said to do. I'm kind of a blur there.

1:16:10 Adam Yeah, I see. And then the book, it was a book about how to circumcise yourself if you're camping and you get lost.

1:16:17 Caller Well.

1:16:17 Adam I mean, what was the object of the book?

1:16:19 Caller It was really just a book on circumcision and.

1:16:22 Adam And how to do it at home?

1:16:24 Caller Well, it just.

1:16:27 Adam They didn't suggest using dikes. They said scalpel or a sharp knife, didn't they?

1:16:32 Dr. Bruce Just because they say surgical steel doesn't mean you do surgery.

1:16:35 Caller Well, it just said whatever. I can't really remember the book.

1:16:39 Dr. Bruce How long ago was this?

1:16:40 Caller About a month ago.

1:16:41 Dr. Bruce Okay.

1:16:41 Adam I see. And did it work? Did you snip the foreskin off?

1:16:45 Caller Pretty much. Yeah. I don't know if I got all of it or anything, but now I have a rash.

1:16:51 Adam Shocking. Well, you got to sue someone. Maybe the manufacturer. Were they Klein Tools? You can sue. I'm not sure where they're located, but I think you can sue them. Oh. All right. Wasn't your penis a bloody mess?

1:17:10 Caller Well, kind of, yeah. I just used some toilet paper and kept it from...

1:17:15 Adam I see. And what's next? A tonsillectomy or are you going to take out your appendix? What's next?

1:17:21 Dr. Bruce Tie his girlfriend's tubes to some internals.

1:17:24 Caller Wow.

1:17:26 Adam All right. Jeff, are you a good student?

1:17:29 Caller I'm a good student. I'm good in school and stuff.

1:17:32 Caller All right. All right.

1:17:33 Adam And you don't have any, what you call, emotional problems? No one's ever asked you to take any medication?

1:17:38 Caller No.

1:17:39 Dr. Bruce You never cut on yourself? No. No self-mutal? All right.

1:17:43 Adam Okay. All right.

1:17:43 Dr. Bruce Listen, you know, you may have an issue with other people seeing your genitalia, but, you know, there's still problems you can get into. I mean, you're just lucky you didn't die of sepsis or get, you know, horrible infection and have it kill you. And I don't know if there's a real call or it's almost too outrageous.

1:18:01 Adam I believe him. I believe him. Jeb, you're going to have to go in and let a urologist take a look at the peccary there. Okay.

1:18:09 Dr. Bruce Or just a general doctor. I mean, with the same, you know, gumption you use to do this on yourself, you've got to be able to get up the energy and...

1:18:18 Adam Or at least a union electrician.

1:18:20 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah. Now, where did you do this? What room were you in?

1:18:23 Caller Well, I was just kind of in my bedroom. I just laid out some towels and...

1:18:26 Bobcat Goldthwait And your parents are like, Jeb, what's going on there? Oh, nothing.

1:18:30 Adam Just studying.

1:18:31 Bobcat Goldthwait Don't worry, son. It's only natural. Like, they're thinking you're whacking off. And you're giving yourself a circumcision?

1:18:37 Adam Oh, my God.

1:18:37 Bobcat Goldthwait That's a message to all those dirty, hippie parents that don't have their kids circumcised.

1:18:41 Dr. Bruce Yeah. First of all, there's no... What you're thinking about getting an infection if you're not circumcised, is they're talking about people that don't have good hygiene. People that are not circumcised don't have any more problem than people that are, unless they're very unhygienic about cleaning themselves, which most of these guys aren't. So people listening shouldn't feel like this is some dirty thing, not to have a...

1:19:02 Adam You know, my penis always hurts a little bit, but now it's excruciating.

1:19:06 Dr. Bruce It's very difficult for most people to cut on themselves.

1:19:08 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah, I don't even, you know, I won't even wear zipper pants. You know, this guy, all velcro.

1:19:14 Adam Yeah, I'm telling you, if I get a lint ball on my sack, I have to get a nurse to take it off. I can't get close to it. I can't imagine using a pair of dikes to cut my foreskin off. I, uh, no.

1:19:29 Bobcat Goldthwait I remember this guy, you know, he tried to pierce his own penis, and he vomited and passed out. Now we have to take him to the hospital.

1:19:37 Dr. Bruce What do you use for sterilization? I'd like to know.

1:19:39 Caller Oh. You heard him.

1:19:40 Bobcat Goldthwait He had toilet paper. That's clean enough.

1:19:42 Adam Jeb, did you sterilize the pliers before you did this?

1:19:46 Caller I, uh, lit, uh, I put it under, over a flame.

1:19:51 Adam I see. No alcohol in the house?

1:19:55 Caller No.

1:19:55 Adam Okay. All right, Jeb, isn't this thing like a big scabby mess now?

1:20:03 Caller Somewhat, yeah. It fits to urinate.

1:20:06 Adam Okay.

1:20:06 Dr. Bruce Well, that's... Yeah, that doesn't even go along with what you did to yourself. But you need to see a doctor tonight. Go to an emergency room tonight.

1:20:14 Adam Really?

1:20:15 Dr. Bruce Yeah, but he's a kid. You can see kids for any problem in that area.

1:20:18 Adam All right, what does he say to the doctor?

1:20:21 Dr. Bruce Well, you know, you can tell the people out front you got a sore throat. You can tell them whatever you want. You just got to get a doctor to lay eyes on that.

1:20:28 Adam Hey, Bruce, as an emergency physician, and everyone knows you go to the emergency room, and you sit around for six hours, what is the good thing to tell them to get in faster? You know what I mean? Like, when you hear something, what is the one that says, this guy could be having a stroke or something?

1:20:47 Dr. Bruce Chest pain.

1:20:48 Adam Chest pain is a good one?

1:20:49 Dr. Bruce You have chest pain, they usually get you right in. And the last guy had a foreign object up his butt. It was a sore throat complaint on the chart. So people don't...

1:20:58 Adam That's pretty far up his ass.

1:21:00 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah, his butt and his throat. What was it? What was the foreign object?

1:21:04 Dr. Bruce It was a wine cooler bottle.

1:21:07 Bobcat Goldthwait What brand? I think they love that kind of plug.

1:21:11 Dr. Bruce I got in trouble the last time I mentioned the brand.

1:21:13 Bobcat Goldthwait Well, I mean different ones are different sizes. That's what I want to know.

1:21:16 Dr. Bruce But between 3 and 6 a.m., great time to go to an emergency room.

1:21:19 Bobcat Goldthwait Was it a Zemo?

1:21:21 Adam No, I think it was one of those new mudslide ones. And listen, that's gay on top of gay. Not only something wet in his ass, but it's a wine cooler.

1:21:30 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah, it's not like it's a bottle of gin. A bottle of Jane Beach.

1:21:34 Adam Right, a bowling pin and you got an argument, but wine cooler. That's gay on gay. Rhett?

1:21:40 Caller Yeah, hey Adam, what's up?

1:21:41 Bobcat Goldthwait I got a Liza Minnelli CD lodged in my ass.

1:21:45 Caller That's right.

1:21:47 Adam Harvey Fierstein's beard is stuck in my ass.

1:21:50 Dr. Bruce Hello, what's up?

1:21:51 Adam What's up, Rhett? Thank you. Love the Man Show, Adam. Thank you.

1:21:55 Bobcat Goldthwait Dr. Bruce, you're cool.

1:21:56 Dr. Bruce Thanks. Don't you think? Go ahead.

1:21:58 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah.

1:22:00 Caller Who do you copy more, Sam Kennison or Howard Stern?

1:22:03 What?

1:22:04 Dr. Bruce I'm offended by that question.

1:22:06 Caller Bobba Bowie.

1:22:07 Adam Well, when he was in his 40s, he copied Kennison, but now that he's mellowed out in his 50s and starting to come into his 60s, he rips off Stern. That's what he's telling me off the air.

1:22:17 Dr. Bruce I've never seen anyone more dissimilar to those two morons than Bobcat, so what's...

1:22:22 Adam Oh, how dare you make fun of the deceased. All right, Rhett. Thanks a lot for the question, everybody. Good time. Tom?

1:22:32 Yeah.

1:22:33 Adam You're 17.

1:22:34 Caller Yeah, man. My question is, see, I got a girlfriend. I started going out there back in December. I was away at school, and then I came back home, and I'm not going back to school for a while, and she's four hours away, and lately I've been hanging out with my ex-girlfriend, but even though after we didn't go out any more, we still slept together. And now I always sleep with her every time I see her, but usually I'll be like, I don't want to because I want to try to stay free from my girlfriend and all, but it just don't happen. It just, I end up doing it.

1:23:07 Adam Sure, you're weak.

1:23:08 Caller Huh?

1:23:09 Adam The mind is willing, but the groin is weak.

1:23:13 Caller Yeah.

1:23:13 Adam I see, okay.

1:23:15 Caller No, it's like we'll be hanging out or whatever, and then she'll just come on to me sometimes.

1:23:20 Adam Okay. Well, why are you so far away from your girlfriend? Where are you going off to school?

1:23:23 Caller Well, I was going off to school. I was at this place called Old Dominion.

1:23:26 Adam I see. The college, Old Dominion?

1:23:29 Caller No, it's like a job course.

1:23:31 Adam Oh, yeah. Okay. This is making more sense now.

1:23:34 Caller Yeah. But I started going out with this girl, and I'm sure I'm in love with her, but it's just kind of hard when you got a half naked girl standing in front of you.

1:23:45 Adam Yeah.

1:23:45 Caller And come on. All right.

1:23:47 Adam But listen, Tom.

1:23:48 Caller Yeah.

1:23:49 Adam All right. I got a couple of things to say. First off, she doesn't show up at the house half naked. I mean, you guys make dates, you make arrangements to see each other.

1:23:58 Caller No. What happens is like at night time, she'll be like, you want to come by or whatever. I'll go over there.

1:24:02 Dr. Bruce That's all.

1:24:03 Adam There you go. You go over there.

1:24:06 Dr. Bruce You know what they say, if you don't want to haircut, stay out of the barber shop. So what's the analogy?

1:24:10 Caller It's either that or it's just like, I won't even hear from her for like a week, right?

1:24:14 Adam I know.

1:24:15 Caller She'll just show up at my door and then, I can't just probably-

1:24:18 Dr. Bruce We hate to hear you're being victimized by this woman.

1:24:20 Adam Tom, let's pretend she was 300 pounds and had the AIDS. Do you think you'd still have to have sex with her or could you figure out a way not to have sex with this woman?

1:24:30 Caller I wouldn't. I'd kick her out of my house, man.

1:24:32 Adam Okay. But see, there you go now, Tom.

1:24:34 Caller My question is, I don't know what to do now because I feel, I can't barely get to sleep at night. I don't know if I should tell my girlfriend or break up with her or what because it's kind of ruining me because I feel-

1:24:44 Adam Well, let's address the sleeping problem. Booze would help that.

1:24:48 Caller I drink a lot.

1:24:49 Adam I see. Good. Fine. That's good.

1:24:52 Dr. Bruce Check one and quit drinking.

1:24:53 Adam Smart. You can bet in a thousand. Listen, Tom, you shouldn't be in a relationship. You're not in love with this girl. You wouldn't be boinking the bejesus out of your ex-girlfriend if you were that much in love with her. You guys are living far apart. You're young. You don't have your own Lear Jet.

1:25:10 Caller She's older than me though. She's a little bit older than me.

1:25:14 Adam Well, who cares? The point is, it's hard to carry on a long distance relationship when you're 17 years old and your moped has a 30 kilometer range. You can't do it. I mean, we hear it all the time. Somebody goes off to college. Somebody moves away. They think they're going to still keep it going. It never works. It just doesn't. You have to have...

1:25:37 Bobcat Goldthwait It's like, Mom, can you drive me to my date?

1:25:40 Adam Right. She's in Michigan. It's not going to work. Alright, so don't get anyone pregnant. Don't get married. Break things off with the orange chicken. Quit lying to yourself. And easy on the booze. And we'll be back after this.

1:25:56 Caller Hello, this is Loveline.

1:26:00 Caller Loveline will be right back.

1:26:22 Dr. Bruce It is Loveline.

1:26:24 Adam I'm Adam Corolla. That is Dr. Bruce, filming for Dr. Drew, and Bob Kent Goldthwait is here tonight. He'll be at the Irvine Improv, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, this coming weekend, and look for him in a town near you.

1:26:37 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah, and then I go to work with you.

1:26:39 Adam That's right. Yeah. That's right.

1:26:41 Bobcat Goldthwait It's not like we didn't just see each other, like every other day.

1:26:45 Adam Yeah.

1:26:46 Bobcat Goldthwait You got to do this whole fake thing. Oh, our old friend of the show, Bob Scratch is in town. What are you promoting lately? I think, Adam, we're just talking about this at lunch.

1:26:57 Adam That was kicks, Bobcat. And I'll tell you though, what a lot of people don't know about Bobcat is that he's a hell of a director. And that's why we hired him.

1:27:08 Bobcat Goldthwait Yeah. And also because I'm in and out really early.

1:27:11 Adam Right. He's fast.

1:27:12 Bobcat Goldthwait I am fast.

1:27:13 Adam Hey, that's fine. That's good.

1:27:17 Bobcat Goldthwait And then when we go to edit the stuff, the editor's like, do you like the first take or the first take? Yeah, there's only one take there, brother. Let's use the first part of the first take and the second part of the first take and that'll be it.

1:27:28 Adam Let me tell you, he's fast, he's efficient, the work barely suffers because of it, and that's why we like the Bobcat.

1:27:35 Bobcat Goldthwait Bob Wood.

1:27:37 Adam Bobby?

1:27:38 Caller Yes.

1:27:39 Bobcat Goldthwait Hi, what's your problem? How can we help you?

1:27:41 Caller I've been having a problem, actually, I haven't, like, getting an erection and actually having the urge to have sex. Like, it's been going on for a few weeks now. And, you know, I'm only 19. It shouldn't be happening until I'm, like, 50.

1:27:54 Adam Right, or 52, like Bobcat. Do you have a girlfriend?

1:27:59 Caller Yeah.

1:28:01 Adam And how long have you been with her?

1:28:03 Caller A couple of weeks.

1:28:05 Adam Well, yeah, this is early for this.

1:28:07 Caller Yeah, I know.

1:28:08 Adam Are you into her? Yeah, a lot.

1:28:10 Caller Like, she's great.

1:28:11 Adam And what's up with the penis?

1:28:13 Caller I don't know.

1:28:14 Caller It's not up, really.

1:28:15 Adam Well, have you ever had this problem before?

1:28:17 Caller Never at all. I used to be able to get it up on command, but now I don't know.

1:28:21 Adam Well, sure, but that's when you were 17. You're 19 now, buddy. It's time to start facing facts. Your body's changing.

1:28:27 Caller Oh, yeah.

1:28:28 Adam You're not able to do the same things you were able to do before.

1:28:30 Dr. Bruce So what sort of pattern have you had in the past? You meet somebody and you're having sex with them in the relationship within a week?

1:28:35 Caller No, no, that's not true. I'm like, this is only the second person that I've had sex with. And I've really only been sexually active for a few months.

1:28:44 Adam And what's your penis doing?

1:28:46 Caller Nothing.

1:28:47 Dr. Bruce And maybe that's your penis telling you that it doesn't want to have sex with her this early in the relationship.

1:28:52 Bobcat Goldthwait Well, I don't have any medication right now. Hello?

1:28:57 Caller Hello?

1:28:57 Bobcat Goldthwait Bobby, I don't have any medication.

1:29:00 Caller I take a nap or something to my back.

1:29:03 Dr. Bruce Non-steroidal like motrin, not going to affect that.

1:29:06 Caller That's about it.

1:29:07 Adam Yeah, what's up with your back?

1:29:09 Caller I've broken a few vertebrae before, I'm playing football, but it's all healed up now.

1:29:13 Adam Bad times.

1:29:14 Caller Occasionally.

1:29:16 Adam Yeah, and the penis, you just can't get it up when you're with her.

1:29:20 Caller Yeah, and I really just don't have any drive at all, really, to have sex.

1:29:24 Bobcat Goldthwait Do you like her? Are you into her?

1:29:25 Caller Yeah, I mean, she's great. She's beautiful and she's a nice girl.

1:29:29 Dr. Bruce But you know, the barometer for a relationship, being successful or moving on, is not, can I have sex with this person? Sometimes it's better to wait. And I mean, certainly two weeks, sometimes it sabotages things to get many times.

1:29:43 Adam He's 19. His penis should be working at this point.

1:29:46 Dr. Bruce But it's very sensitive to emotional things. It's very sensitive to a consciousness that maybe it's not the best thing.

1:29:53 Adam I told Drew last week that I could be getting oral sex while carrying my grandfather's casket, and my penis would work just fine.

1:30:00 Dr. Bruce And thank God you're not the ruler or standard for what is oral sex.

1:30:06 Adam What do you tell people?

1:30:06 Bobcat Goldthwait More people would go to a funeral.

1:30:08 Adam That's right.

1:30:09 Bobcat Goldthwait A lot of people at the funeral.

1:30:10 Adam That's right.

1:30:11 Bobcat Goldthwait Do you think it's like your penis is saying, hey, easy, the ribs got to heal up before you go doing that?

1:30:19 Caller It could be.

1:30:21 Bobcat Goldthwait Maybe you're nervous about it hurting the rest of your body when you have sex.

1:30:25 Caller No, it doesn't hurt at all.

1:30:27 Bobcat Goldthwait Is she bummed out by this? Yeah, she is.

1:30:31 Caller When we had sex before, it usually went like a long time. Sometimes I didn't even ejaculate.

1:30:37 Adam Did you have sex with her, you mean? Yeah. All right. It did work with her at one point.

1:30:42 Dr. Bruce Yeah.

1:30:42 Bobcat Goldthwait Now, did anything change in your relationship? Do you know what I mean?

1:30:46 Caller No, not that I know of.

1:30:47 Dr. Bruce I thought you met her two weeks ago or you've been going out for two weeks?

1:30:50 Bobcat Goldthwait Just a couple of weeks.

1:30:51 Caller Yeah.

1:30:52 Adam They had sex, it worked, and then it stopped working.

1:30:54 Caller Yeah.

1:30:54 Adam Okay. So, here's the answer. No answer. Just stay in the relationship.

1:30:59 Bobcat Goldthwait This guy does have a real problem.

1:31:01 Adam I'd say he does. What should he do?

1:31:03 Bobcat Goldthwait I don't know. Does he take his teeth out or something?

1:31:06 Dr. Bruce At this age, it's not a medical thing. It's always an emotional or mental thing.

1:31:10 Adam So then just stay in the relationship and take it slow and see where it goes.

1:31:14 Dr. Bruce I would not put myself in the position where you're pressured to have sex whether just have a moratorium on sex for a month.

1:31:20 Bobcat Goldthwait A 19-year-old football player.

1:31:22 Dr. Bruce Let's just go out.

1:31:23 Bobcat Goldthwait There's a new Ivory Merchant film opening up that I'm dying to see.

1:31:26 Dr. Bruce But once you place that there's a problem in your mind, then it becomes a problem itself. I think I can.

1:31:32 Bobcat Goldthwait I think I can. I think I can.

1:31:34 Adam Maybe it needs just a good pep talk with the penis like the coach would give him in the locker room.

1:31:39 Dr. Bruce You demonstrate that I'm not aware of how that would be.

1:31:42 Adam First thing I do is say, you know, alright penis, grab a knee. And then I start pacing. And I was like, what the hell was that? That's when I started yelling. What was that out there? I don't know what that was. That's not what we've been practicing. I'll tell you that right now. You went in, you were cocky, you're sure yourself. I'll tell you, you're not playing well. The balls aren't playing well, the ass is not performing, and the penis, I don't even want to talk about. This is a team effort. There's no individuals in those underpants.

1:32:14 Bobcat Goldthwait Who left scrotum wide open?

1:32:16 Adam That's right. Now listen, let's all get a hand in. And then I give the speech. Dear Lord, please help blood rush to my penis and fill the caverns within so that I can have sex with this woman I barely know. On three. Ready? Get out there and hup!

1:32:34 Dr. Bruce Oh, it's gonna work.

1:32:35 Adam I can tell right now.

1:32:36 Bobcat Goldthwait There you go. That is truly your gift, Adam. You're a very funny guy.

1:32:41 Adam No, you are.

1:32:42 Bobcat Goldthwait I'm not being a jerk. Something about my cadence that everything sounds sarcastic. Is that why the collar is all crabby towards me?

1:32:48 Adam Well, it was really only one or two collars. Yeah.

1:32:50 Bobcat Goldthwait But yeah, no, I know. But in my self-loathing head, they all hate me. But I was just giving you a compliment.

1:32:58 Dr. Bruce They love Adam so much that it's a threatening message.

1:33:01 Bobcat Goldthwait I remember like when you first started this job, and they didn't like the cut of your jib.

1:33:04 Adam No, they didn't.

1:33:05 Bobcat Goldthwait No, they did not. All right.

1:33:06 Dr. Bruce It's the hatties wearing now, I think.

1:33:08 Adam All right. More good radio, Bruce. We'll take a break.

1:33:11 Bobcat Goldthwait Hey Bruce, look at the face on Megan.

1:33:14 Dr. Bruce Yeah, we'll be back.

1:33:15 Bobcat Goldthwait Hey everybody, isn't that funny?

1:33:16 Adam After this. Yep, it is Loveline. Well, forget about me, and forget about Bruce. But remember Bobcat is going to be at the Irvine Improv this weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Be there. And also in Parts Unknown, but you may know them because they may be your parts.

1:34:12 Bobcat Goldthwait So check your parts.

1:34:13 Adam Check your local parts for Bobcat.

1:34:16 Bobcat Goldthwait Keep the pliers out of your parts though.

1:34:18 Adam There you go. I want to thank Bobcat for coming in, and Bob, we'll see you either next time you're in here, or tomorrow at work. All right, Bruce, a wonderful job turned in as per usual, and until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Bruce. Say mahalo.

1:34:35 Caller This has been Loveline. The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Ann Wilkins Dingle. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Sunday, February 4, 2001