Episode 1000716954278

0:08 Voiceover Love Line may contain sexually-oriented content.

0:11 Voiceover Sexually-oriented content.

0:15 Voiceover Discretion is advised.

0:17 Voiceover Discretion is advised.

0:21 Voiceover This is Love Line. With Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. Hey, everybody. It's Love Line. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Dr. Drew is a board-certified physician and addiction medicine specialist. Greg Behrendt is here tonight. Greg is the co-author of He's Just Not That Into You, which I saw featured on Oprah, I think, a couple months back. I don't know if it was you who was on it or the co-author or you were both on it.

0:58 Greg Behrendt It was you. Well, you were both on there, but I sat in the chair next to Oprah.

1:02 Adam You're the funny one. Yeah. Yeah. I got to say, and by the way, New York Times bestseller list, Wall Street Journal, bestseller list, USA Today bestseller list and all sorts of good things. Also, Greg was a consultant for Three Seasons on Sex and the City, which I enjoy and-

1:21 Drew What?

1:21 Adam Yes. There's a few shows that take a certain amount of crap for a joy.

1:25 Drew You've never admitted that. You've never done that here. What do you mean?

1:27 Adam I've said I like Sex and the City.

1:28 Drew I've never heard you say that. I'm sorry. I beg your pardon.

1:30 Adam Well, it's never really come up.

1:31 Drew Yeah.

1:32 Adam You don't have to apologize, Drew. You make me seem like an ogre. But what I mean is, I enjoy the show. I watch that. I watch a blowout by a gay hairdresser. I watch I liked Sex and the City. And everyone was like, you don't get a lot of manly points for enjoying that show, by the way, as I would explain to people, though. It's because I was secure with my sexuality, which then made me insecure because I had to explain it.

1:58 Right.

1:58 Adam And now I'm back at gay again.

1:59 Right.

2:00 Adam But back at gay again. Write that down. No, it's going to be my book. But the point is, when you compared it to certainly whatever else was out there, with the exception of maybe The Sopranos and a handful of other shows, I thought it was a great show.

2:15 Greg Behrendt Yeah, it was a good show.

2:16 Adam Nice job. Thank you. But when I saw you featured on Oprah and I saw the information that was being dispensed about the guy's not calling you back, he's just not that into you, I would say to myself, no duh.

2:30 Greg Behrendt Yeah, of course.

2:31 Adam Right.

2:31 Greg Behrendt Because it makes total sense.

2:34 Adam What is the no-ee-us, duh-ee-us, no, the un-no-duh-us point of he's just not that into you?

2:41 Drew You mean the most sophisticated point?

2:42 Adam Yeah, not even sophisticated in a complicated way, but I mean, they're those...

2:47 Drew Nuance.

2:47 Adam Look, if you go on two dates with a guy and he says he's going to call you and he never calls you back, he's just not that into you, that's one of those...

2:55 Greg Behrendt All right, we're all really simple.

2:58 Adam Give me the most complex one.

3:01 Greg Behrendt The most complex one?

3:02 Adam Or the one that I wouldn't have thought of, is what I'm saying. What's one that Drew wouldn't have thought of?

3:07 Drew Well, there's one, there's an area that I think is a little more intuitive, which is the guy is dating vigorously, but isn't going to stick around, and only other guys would kind of see that. You know what I mean?

3:16 Adam Dating you vigorously or everyone?

3:18 Drew She's dating, the guy's dating some woman and they're like hanging out all the time, they're having sex all the time, they're practically living together, and you can tell as a guy that it's not going to go that way.

3:26 Greg Behrendt Oh, it's not going to go that way. Yeah, it's not going to go that way.

3:27 Drew And the women seem not to be able to perceive that at all.

3:30 Greg Behrendt Which is why it's called He's Just Not That Into You.

3:32 Drew Which means that he's into you. But how do they know when they're in one of those relationships? That's what he's looking for. How does a woman know she's into something with a guy who's not that into you?

3:40 Greg Behrendt Because he's unwilling to discuss the future of the relationship, or he's unwilling to do any of the things that he says he's going to do. It's really pretty simple.

3:46 Drew He just keeps procrastinating.

3:47 Greg Behrendt Yeah. I mean, you wouldn't think that you need a chapter called He's Just Not That Into You if he's married to somebody else.

3:52 Right.

3:52 Greg Behrendt And yet, you do.

3:55 Drew Women who build castles, they weave yards.

3:58 Greg Behrendt Yeah, they really do.

3:59 Yeah.

4:00 Adam Out of pastry, they don't actually make castles. In real life, we've got to build the stuff.

4:04 Drew I mean, a marzipan. Marzipan.

4:06 Adam They build stuff out of clouds in their head. We actually have to build a suspension bridge and have the 400 guys die trying to dig the tunnels. They build stuff out of clouds. They're girders or pixie dust.

4:18 Drew Yeah, yeah. That's what I mean.

4:19 Adam They're panels. They're like angel farts. Yeah, they don't actually build anything. That's really what they do. They're really construction.

4:26 Greg Behrendt Did you say angel farts?

4:27 Adam Yes.

4:28 Greg Behrendt Yeah, I was just trying to follow.

4:29 Adam World's worst cereal. If you remember that from the 70s. Now, women really... And the other mistake I think women make is they go... And this is not about dating, but this is the horrible relationship where they're like, well, I've been in it for three and a half years. I've invested this time. Like some stock that's plummeting that you never want to sell.

4:52 Greg Behrendt You think someday it's going to come back.

4:55 Adam Yeah. And, oh, I bought it 50 bucks a share and it's down to 18. Well, it's going to 10.

5:00 Drew Yeah. It could go to zero.

5:04 Greg Behrendt Essentially, what you're saying is like women suffer from the affliction of hope, which is really kind of sad, but it is that sort of thing where women have more faith in something a lot of times.

5:12 Drew But guys don't come around.

5:15 Greg Behrendt And I also think that they don't completely know they're just not that into it. They just don't know what it is yet until they see the right thing, but they just know they don't want to go further.

5:22 Drew Right.

5:23 Greg Behrendt I think sometimes you're in a relationship with somebody and you enjoy them and you're like, I'm trying to make this work. But when you really think about it, you're like, yeah, no, I'm not going the distance. I just don't know what to do.

5:30 Drew I also think it's guys are not at that point in their life when they can go further with it. You know what I mean? Some guys have let the right one go because they just weren't able to go on at that point in their life.

5:38 Greg Behrendt But don't you think that the right one would inspire you to get your life together? When I met my wife, I was just an open mic nobody, you know, trying, but I was like, I don't have time to wait. I want to marry this person. It'll come together while I'm with it.

5:50 Drew I think that's rare.

5:51 Adam How old? Well, it depends how old you were.

5:53 Drew Yeah, it depends how old you were. Absolutely.

5:54 Greg Behrendt 30 something. 33.

5:56 Adam Oh, 33.

5:57 Drew If you were 24 or 22, forget it. Forget it.

6:01 Adam Yeah, obviously. Well, look, if you're doing open mics and you're waiting tables and you're living in a single apartment and one of the chicks from the model show, what the hell show is that? World's Greatest Model, where the hell that Tyra Banks shows?

6:20 Drew The next great model.

6:22 Adam Yeah, if she wants to start dating you, you might throw it all away and take a chance and get married. I mean, if somebody completely, someone you recognize from TV or just completely out of your league comes in. Yeah, but in general, you don't get to date those people. You get to date the waitress who you're working with.

6:38 Greg Behrendt You get to date- You mean date at the level that you're at.

6:40 Adam You date at the level you're at, and when you meet her at 24, we're usually not ready. Now, see, guys have a little bit of a plan oftentimes too, which is you're dating at the level you're at. And when you're a 24-year-old chick, that's, you're peeking out, you're redlining level-wise. I mean, you just are. You're not going to get any better-looking, you're not getting any thinner, and we don't care if you're richer. You know what I mean? We don't care the position you hold. That's it.

7:06 Drew In life, in society.

7:07 Adam In society, yeah. I mean, the reality is, I don't speak for all guys, but 98% of them are straight guys. The point is, as a woman, you could be working at a coffee shop, hot, in 23, and that's basically as high as your number's going. Now, the guy-

7:24 Drew Your rating number.

7:25 Adam Your rating number. Yeah, you're only going to get older and put on a couple of pounds. Now, look, I'm not saying you could be a more complex person or learn more, be more interesting. It just doesn't, guys don't really, you get half a point as far as the guys go. In the dating market. So the point is, is now when you're a guy in your 23 and you're working next to her, at the thing, your number still could go way up. You got an idea for business, you're working on a degree.

7:53 Greg Behrendt She doesn't really have room for growth. Like you're saying she's not going past the waitress thing.

7:57 Adam She can have all the interpersonal growth she wants and all the emotional growth she wants, but as far as her number goes, not really.

8:04 Greg Behrendt Like so she hasn't got a foothold in some other career, it's probably not going to happen to her.

8:07 Drew No, no, no, no. He's saying that to guys it doesn't matter. Even if she becomes a nuclear physicist.

8:11 Greg Behrendt Oh, is that right?

8:11 Adam It doesn't matter what she does. Yeah, unless she starts a porn company or something, the guy's really in, you know what I mean? There's something very specific.

8:20 Greg Behrendt But don't you think there's like, I mean, so it doesn't matter if she does, you don't feel like that makes a difference. Because to me, I find that incredibly attractive, somebody who has a life, you know what I mean?

8:28 Adam Someone's wife's listening to the show.

8:30 Greg Behrendt No, no, no, but I swear to God, nobody swear to God. I think that's true. Like I dated, look, I did stand up forever. So I dated a lot of waitresses. So I know what that is. And then I met somebody who, my wife, who was in the record industry, who I found that fascinating. I found that to be eternal.

8:42 Adam It is good for, look, don't get me wrong. If you had your druthers, you'd rather have a hot chick who was an executive than a hot chick who was a junkie. The junkie thing is going to shave a good quarter point, maybe up to three-eighths of a point off of her thing, you know? But hot chick is hot chick and hot 23-year-old is hot 23-year-old.

9:06 Drew Regardless of her position.

9:07 Adam Yes. And anybody could come in and marry her at any given point.

9:11 Greg Behrendt I will say with the junkie, you always know where she is. She's on the floor where you left her.

9:14 Adam She's in her own mess, her own sick, on the floor, or she's turning a trick on a little scratchy guy there, and you'll get some of that money too. The point is, when you're a guy, now here's how I think a lot of guys think, and I think I thought this way a little bit, and maybe you guys did too. When you were 24, 25, you were dating people that were on a par with you, and unfortunately, you weren't doing so great. So you had to date on your level, but you had a plan. One day, I'm going to start making some money, I'm going to drive a nice car, I'm going to get my career off the ground. So don't marry yet, because right now, I'm dating on a sixth level, because I'm a sixth. The sixes will remain where they are, but I can step up to the nines when I get my career going. It's not just about money, it's just about getting on track. So I think a lot of guys' feeling is, why should I get married at 25, because I'm still in school, or I'm still struggling.

10:11 Drew I'm enjoying being with this person now, but I can't think of the future, because I don't know who I'm going to be in three years.

10:17 Adam I'm a junior. I'm in the mail room right now. What kind of tail am I going to draw here in the mail room? I know it sounds like I'm breaking down to its lowest common denominator, but a lot of guys are like, I'm going to wait until I'm 33 and I'm vice president.

10:29 Greg Behrendt But that's the perfect time to marry a guy. I think it's the perfect time to get married, like when you get into your early 30s. They will not ever have a law, but it would be awesome to have a law to go, do not, dude, stay away from all men until early 30s. Because by then you're like, okay, I've done my thing.

10:42 Drew And there's a biological thing too, by the way. You're in a testosterone storm until you're like 28. Right. And levels fall precipitously after that. You can start to think again. Oh, yeah. You know your feet are on the ground. You can start to see.

10:54 Greg Behrendt Yeah.

10:55 Drew Listen.

10:55 Greg Behrendt Not in an occasional shower, but it's nice.

10:57 Drew But in that case, you had to swim through the semen to get to the door of the day.

11:01 Adam I get a little wiper spray. I get just a little wiper spray once in a while. It's like, you know when you think it's starting to rain, but it's just a sprinkler or something?

11:08 Drew Yeah.

11:09 Adam That's all I get of testosterone.

11:10 Greg Behrendt The other thing is people do not enjoy the dating thing. It feels like people just, and it seems like a lot of times, people want to lock something down or figure out what it is. There's no sense of, like, let's just enjoy it. Let's just have it, yeah, let's just date. People don't date. It's just to date people.

11:24 Adam Well, it's very rare that you find a woman, I believe, who wants to... Here's the fundamental problem, if you think about it. A man can continue dating a woman for a period of time, up till a couple of years, if she's hot, he's interested, he's into her, they're into the sex, she doesn't put the screws to him and all that. If a woman is dating a guy, she wants it to go somewhere. I mean, I know I'm overstating the obvious, but I mean, if a woman doesn't like the guy or doesn't think he may have the potential to be something, she won't go on the second date usually, certainly not the third. A guy will continue dating.

12:00 Drew Oh, yeah.

12:00 Adam He'll just stay in that holding pattern of like, yeah, it's, you know, food's not great, but it's free kind of thing. I ain't going anywhere, right? Until something better comes along.

12:10 Greg Behrendt Yeah, and people don't get a chance to, I mean, and you don't know after you've been with somebody twice, whether they're a good person or not. Like if people actually dated and spent time and dated, you know, dated a few people, you know, like when I met my wife, I was actually dating a couple of other people. So she and we took a really long time with it.

12:22 Adam Wow.

12:22 Greg Behrendt Because we'd both been.

12:23 Drew But they're in their 30s.

12:24 Adam I always used to wonder how that worked though. Like whenever I used to see Love Connection, I would always see them go, they do that status thing and they go, currently dating about three or four people. And I was like, wow, how do you, does that mean they're having sex with three or four people? Or when they, if not.

12:39 Drew That's always left to mystery.

12:40 Adam That's always left to mystery.

12:41 Drew That's never stated.

12:42 Adam I guess the question is then, if you're dating a handful of people for a period of time, then what goes on at the end of, nothing that's just talking about sex, but I just mean, if you're going out with someone 20 times, what?

12:53 Drew You can peter out. Because it's once every two weeks, and when you're available, and here and there.

12:57 Adam Drew's a dater. Totally. Yeah.

12:59 Drew Yeah, I like that.

13:00 Greg Behrendt Drew likes it.

13:00 Adam Drew likes it.

13:00 Greg Behrendt Yeah, I like dating.

13:01 Adam Still does, I think we all do. Now, we could really be good at it. Yeah, right?

13:06 Greg Behrendt Exactly. Now, I got my game on.

13:07 Adam Oh, my God. I come pulling up an ass in Martin. Honk on the horn. When I go back to my place, I got a hot tub, Olympic pool. Which house?

13:16 Drew Which house?

13:17 Adam Where we are? We're taking sauna. Oh, this restaurant? Part ownership. You want to go there? No, they'll keep it open. They'll keep me just getting oral while I was ordering appetizers. Be awesome. Yeah, now I can really date. Awesome. Oh, yeah, Loveline. Yeah, that's my show. About 100 cities, I guess. I don't care. Yeah, I wrote that book. I was on Oprah. Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doctor. Yeah, I got my own show. Yeah, I'm five. It's Peppy, about 400 horsepower. It's nice. I like to smell leather. Yeah. They got a week of date. So nice. Listen, I got a- Yeah, you know, Dexter from the Ospreys got a jet. Yeah. Now he says to take to San Francisco. We need some lunch. Awesome. We'll wait in the jet. Yeah. Yeah, it's cool. Yeah, they're good. Yeah.

14:03 Greg Behrendt You want to meet Oprah? Yeah. Do you want to meet her? Yeah, let me. Hang on. Let me get her on the phone. Let me put her on speaker.

14:11 Adam Listen. Listen. Oh, yeah, G. It's my lady's birthday. Could you say a little something in her? She wants an outgoing message. Yeah.

14:19 Greg Behrendt Can we hit the place? Can we just use your place in Santa Barbara for the weekend? Yeah. We'll be cool. I'll clean.

14:23 Adam Yeah. Yeah.

14:24 Greg Behrendt Yeah.

14:24 Adam Yeah. You see about? Oh, think about the dating we could do now. Awesome.

14:30 Drew Get your asses kicked.

14:30 Adam Let's do it. Ashley?

14:34 Yeah.

14:34 Adam You're 15?

14:36 Caller Yeah.

14:36 Yeah.

14:37 Caller Yeah. My boyfriend wants to have a sweet time with me and my sister.

14:42 Adam Okay. Well, what are you going to do?

14:46 Caller Well, I don't really want to. My sister, he asked my sister before he asked me, and she's all for it, but I really don't want to, and I've told him no, but he keeps on insisting on it.

14:57 Drew What do you think?

14:58 Adam Bogus? That sounds like a delight. Bogus? It's either bogus or your antenna is severely bent.

15:06 Drew Severely bent. Yeah, there's a choice here.

15:08 Adam Yeah.

15:09 Drew Either profound abuse survivor or there's a dude sitting next to him. Yeah.

15:12 Adam So which is it? Is there a guy next to you who's putting you off to the call or is there a guy next to you molesting you?

15:18 Caller No, my phone's dying and I'm trying to charge it at the same time.

15:22 Drew Why don't you say so?

15:23 Adam All right. That was C, was molesting, bogus call or phone call.

15:28 Drew We were multiple choice.

15:29 Adam Right. Okay, Ashley. Now, I'm just going with-

15:32 Drew Abused.

15:33 Adam Yeah. Ashley.

15:33 Drew But she doesn't make you angry though, you see.

15:35 Adam Where's your dad?

15:37 He's at, what do you mean?

15:39 Caller Like, is he with us in the house?

15:41 Adam Is he in the picture? Is he with your mom?

15:43 Drew Is he in your life?

15:45 Caller Yeah. He's in the life.

15:49 Adam He is. Is he a good guy?

15:51 Caller Yeah.

15:52 Drew Does not compute.

15:52 Adam What's he do for a living?

15:55 Caller He works at a game store.

15:57 Adam At a game store. Fantastic. Is he, does he, could be a good thing. Is he ever cheated on your mom or is he abusive to your mom?

16:06 Caller No. Not at all.

16:08 Adam How old is your boyfriend?

16:10 Caller Seventeen.

16:11 Adam All right. I don't trust this guy.

16:13 Drew This just does not compute.

16:14 Adam It doesn't compute.

16:14 Drew This does not compute.

16:15 Adam Yeah. What are we missing? Were you adopted?

16:18 Drew No.

16:18 Adam Is somebody an alcoholic?

16:20 Drew Bogus. Has to be Bogus.

16:21 Caller No.

16:22 Adam Did he ever rape you with a Stratego piece? No.

16:27 Drew Actually, you're not describing a situation where somebody can contemplate something like this. You're fat.

16:33 Caller It's really weird because he was going out with my sister before he went out with me and just out of, well, not out of nowhere, but he was hinting that he wanted to do it with my sister.

16:48 Adam He's already got both of you. It's still, Ashley, you're just repeating basically what you said over and over again. It's not convincing us.

16:56 Drew No.

16:56 Adam We don't believe you. Bogus. Unless there's something you need to tell us that involves something serious, something good.

17:04 Drew There's no question here.

17:05 Adam Of course, it's a horrible idea. By the way, no question and nothing we can hang our hat on.

17:10 Drew And a story that doesn't make sense. You don't sound like the history of a person who would consider something like this or even date a guy who would ask you something like this.

17:19 Adam All right.

17:20 Caller I really think that he was like that.

17:23 Adam All right. Hold on. By the way, I really picture us speak, I almost like we're speaking to insects. I was going to say animals, but that's not fair. I have a dog. You communicate with them. And that dog knows its name.

17:36 Drew Right.

17:36 Adam It knows to get up. She knows to lie down things. She actually follows some basic commands. She called from New Mexico.

17:42 Drew Oh, she hung up.

17:44 Adam I think that was BS.

17:44 Drew That was bogus.

17:45 Adam Called from New Mexico.

17:47 Drew Not good.

17:48 Adam Not good. It's got the word Mexico right in the title of the state. By the way, I would have been like, hey, how about we call it New Canada? And they're like, well, that's not even close to it. Fellas, let's not take any chances. Let's just call it New Canada. We get used to that.

18:03 Drew What? New England was next to England?

18:06 Adam New Finland, New England? Yeah, come on now. We could do this easily.

18:09 Drew President's president.

18:11 Adam Yeah, yeah. As a matter of fact, I say we change New Mexico to New Canada right now. You know what I mean? How are you supposed to tell people that are coming across the border when there's a place called New? You know what I mean? If you're trying to get into Mexico, there's a big place called New America.

18:27 Drew Everyone knows New Mexico looks nothing like Mexico.

18:30 Greg Behrendt New Hawaii, like kick it up a notch.

18:33 Adam You're right. You know, I was thinking inside the box, not outside of the box.

18:39 Drew Greg took it right outside.

18:40 Adam He took it right outside. I was thinking of a neighboring country. But no, forget it. Let's take one of our better places and put on there. New Hawaii. It sucked though when it was 170 degrees in the summer though, and you're at New Hawaii.

18:52 Drew You have to feel better about it because you're going to Hawaii.

18:56 Hello?

18:57 Adam You're 19?

18:59 Caller Yeah.

18:59 Adam Female Toby?

19:02 Caller Yeah.

19:02 Adam Yeah. That could be hot or it could be a train wreck. Huh? Are you good looking?

19:09 Caller Yeah.

19:09 Adam Okay. All right.

19:13 Caller I mean, I'm 5'10, blonde. I don't know if you want that, but my question was...

19:19 Adam Yeah, I did.

19:20 Drew He did for later.

19:21 Caller Yeah.

19:22 Adam Oh, hold on a second. But you know what Toby may be? And you run into him every once in a while. The beautiful, tall, blonde chick who's goofy.

19:33 Caller Oh, right?

19:36 Adam They got the goofy laugh and their mouths a little goofy.

19:38 Greg Behrendt They wanted to stand up.

19:40 Adam And it's weird. It's like they're really hot from across the party, but then you start talking to them and it's like one of your buddy's teenage brothers who sort of grown into his gangly body or something. It's weird because they look really hot, but there's something goofy about them that makes them kind of asexual. What is that thing? You know what I'm talking about? And it happens in blondes, by the way.

19:59 Drew It's got to be kind of a defense.

20:02 Adam I don't know what it is. It's like they're tan and they're... It's always the same earmarks. Long legs. Beautiful long legs and nice and they look like they play a lot of volleyball out in the sun and stuff and they look great. Then they start talking. They have marbles in their mouth and then it's weird and all of a sudden you're not attracted to them, but 10 seconds ago you couldn't believe it from across the party, right? What is that?

20:25 Drew There's a chapter in that in his book, in Greg's book. A chapter dedicated to the goofy blonde girl.

20:29 Adam They do not come in auburn hair women and not rarely in brunettes and not, it's really a blonde thing. Toby?

20:38 Caller Yeah?

20:38 Drew What is your question?

20:40 Caller My question. I haven't been, I mean, I'm young but me dating has never been like, I've never been serious with anybody. Lately, I mean, it's not like I have to have been by 19, I know that. But most people I know have had at least one, maybe at least a couple of months long relationship. I've had none of those, maybe one month.

21:04 Adam What do you think the problem is?

21:06 Caller I don't know. I feel I'm very picky, but I know it has more to do with, there's a lot of things that I've picked up that I find that I don't like them, they put too much into it and I push them away.

21:23 Adam They're too excited?

21:26 Caller They could be.

21:27 Adam They're too enthusiastic?

21:29 Caller My question is, I have been dating this guy for about a month.

21:32 Drew Hold on.

21:33 Adam I had a thought. Women love enthusiasm in year number three, but not day number three.

21:38 Drew No.

21:38 Adam Which is weird. They want you to be super enthusiastic, like I packed a picnic basket, I got a place worked out, we rented a convertible, we're going out this weekend. When you're with a woman for a few years, that's all she wants out of you. The first few dates, you don't want that kind of crazy enthusiasm, it freaks them out.

21:58 Drew Even then, after a few years, it sort of has to be delivered as though you're delivering it to a Persian cat. Come at it too fast. What do you think?

22:04 Adam No, I know, but the point is, is if your wife came home and you said, sweet, I made some plans for Saturday, I packed this a bit, I went basket, we're going to the Hollywood Balls, she'd be looking for your cocoon underneath the house.

22:15 Drew Right?

22:17 Adam She would be blown away.

22:18 Drew But it's gotta be delivered dispassionately.

22:20 Adam Yeah, but hold on, Drew, you make a horrible point. Because no, you can't, if I did any, if I got up off the goddamn sofa, my wife would have a heart attack. And I'm not saying you tackle her at the door like Dino tackling Fred, I'm just saying some enthusiasm, some initiative, some commitment. But you see it too early, date number two, chick's freaked out. Freaked out. Freak out, Toby.

22:46 Yeah.

22:47 Drew Also, it can sometimes mean intimacy problems too, though, if your dad left or you're in a dramatic divorce family, that's sort of a-

22:52 Adam What's your dad?

22:53 Caller Divorce family. But let me ask the question-

22:56 Drew It is a divorce family?

22:57 Adam It is.

22:57 Caller Okay.

22:58 Adam Your dad's successful? Successful attorney? What's your dad do?

23:02 Caller UPS driver.

23:03 Adam Aha.

23:04 Drew Perfect.

23:05 Adam All right.

23:05 Caller You and the truck drivers. I've been dating this guy for about a month and I went to a drive party with him and all of his friends. I'd only met like five or six of them. The huge party and he kind of ignored me a little bit around his friends. Wasn't as normal as he is when we normally hang out with one or two friends. So he's cool around a couple, but when he gets around a lot, it's kind of like he wants his own little space. But towards the end of the night, I think I broke down to one of his friends who I hang out with. He's always there whenever I hang out with him, that was like the three of us. And I think he saw me talking to him for about 20 minutes. And I would think I was crying, I might have been. But he left the party without me, just left. We came together, I mean, I stayed the night before at his house.

23:53 Adam You mean like you were cheating or something or?

23:56 Drew Guys using drugs, guys just behind.

23:58 Caller He didn't talk to me at all. He's like his best friend too. This guy, I talked to him and I was like, have you ever done this to him before? Like to where you might think that I might have been, you might have been trying to get in my pants or something? He said no, I would never. He's my best friend since like, you know.

24:12 Adam Okay, here's the thing. I'm not so sure if this guy's Mr. Right.

24:16 Drew Yeah.

24:16 Adam And I don't know why he would just leave and it doesn't make sense. Here's what I would say. This is a sort of crossroads. He did something. You can give him an opportunity to explain himself. If he tells you something good.

24:30 Drew What, what?

24:31 Caller He thinks I did something. I swear he thinks that I'm, he left me a text message when I was leaving the party. I was trying to get a hold of him. He says, that's not what I'm looking for. I don't understand what that means. What did I do?

24:41 Adam Well, look, obviously, he didn't do anything. And obviously, he thought you did something.

24:45 Drew So maybe the fact that you were sort of too intense and breaking down to his friends and what's he, you know, why are we not spending all our time together at this party?

24:53 Greg Behrendt It doesn't sound that fun, though. He seems like an able. Yeah, I mean, no loss.

24:57 Drew Like, you know, also, I just smell alcohol. Again, I farted. No, no.

25:01 Adam What about I've been drinking pretty good today. I mean, how about this, though? You know what I like about women?

25:05 Greg Behrendt He did say that's not what I'm looking for, so.

25:08 Adam I've had 13,000 discussions slash apology sessions with women about how you act around your friends or with your friends. I have never said to any woman I've ever been with, oh, when you're around your friends. Has a guy ever had a beef about a woman and her friends? First off, we're elated if they have friends. That's number one. God, thank Christ you have friends. Number two, honey, we're doing a girl's, go, go.

25:36 Drew This is 19 though, I can remember it's 17 and having all kinds of weird energy about parties.

25:41 Adam No, weird energy about parties because her old boyfriend.

25:45 Drew Or whatever, yeah.

25:46 Adam Or a dude you imagine, good looking guy comes off the beach, gives her a hug, who's this guy? How does he know her? But never her with her girlfriends.

25:54 Drew Yeah, you're right, you're right.

25:55 Greg Behrendt But that's a very dramatic move to leave a party and send a text message.

25:58 Drew That's why I smell it.

25:59 Greg Behrendt Yeah, it's a very dramatic, he put on a play practically.

26:02 Drew He was loaded, I guarantee it.

26:04 Greg Behrendt Well, I mean he wants her to come chase him, I mean it's bad.

26:07 Adam All right, so here's what I would do, piece of advice, just because someone gets on the offense doesn't mean you need to get on the defense. Somebody leaves you at a party and accuses you of cheating, you don't have to go, oh no, oh no, no, no. You can get on the offense going, what the hell are you talking about? What were you doing stranding me at the party? I didn't even have a ride home, how dare you?

26:25 Drew That's what Tobia is going to have boundaries to do that. She needs to just end it.

26:29 Adam Got a little of that goofy blonde in her?

26:31 Drew Yeah.

26:32 Adam Yeah. Yeah. You know where it all stems from? The mouth. It's all the mouth.

26:36 Drew What, it's moving too much?

26:38 Adam It's got a little novocaine in it, just a little shot of novocaine. Hot. Little mushroom. Yeah.

26:46 Greg Behrendt Crooked maybe a little, you can see the gums.

26:48 Adam Still something, you know what it is? Little spit bubble when they're talking, right?

26:51 Drew I can think of Pete. Come on.

26:52 Adam All right. Greg Behrendt is here tonight. He is the, I'm just going to go ahead and call you the author of He's Just Not That Into You, which is number one bestseller. We'll also going to be at the Irvine Improv this week, 7th through the 10th, and we'll take a little break. We'll be right back after this.

27:14 Loveline with Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew. We'll be right back.

27:18 Greg Behrendt Loveline is brought to you by the American Legacy Foundation.

27:21 Caller It's free, it's informative, it's powerful, it's true.

27:24 Adam Whoa, buddy.

27:25 That's a yurt.

27:29 Adam I'm going to write that down.

27:32 Drew That was a good one.

27:33 That was good.

27:37 Adam Hey, everybody. It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Greg Behrendt is here tonight. He is the author of He's Just Not That Into You, which I can say quite easily, but when you try to read it and say it, it doesn't want to come out of your mouth.

27:54 Drew Behrendt, you want to say?

27:56 Adam No, no. I'm just saying the title.

27:57 Drew Oh, he's Just Not That Into You. I see.

27:58 Greg Behrendt He's Just Not That Into You?

28:00 Adam I don't know why. Maybe it's just my horrible ability to read, a little dyslexia, but I can say he's Just Not That Into You, but when I read it, it feels like I'm crapping it up. Also, Greg's going to be at the Irvine Improv this week. That would be Thursday through Sunday, 7th through the 10th, and got himself some sitcom stuff coming up, developing a sitcom, movie deal about the book. Who do you think is going to be in this movie?

28:28 Greg Behrendt I don't know. They've asked us, actually. Clearly.

28:30 Drew You and I will be.

28:31 Greg Behrendt Yeah, I think it will be good. Clearly.

28:32 Adam Oh, yeah. Well, there'll be a scene that'll be cut out that'll have us in it.

28:34 Greg Behrendt It takes place in radio. It takes place actually in radio.

28:37 Adam It does?

28:37 Greg Behrendt Yeah.

28:38 Adam Oh.

28:38 Greg Behrendt Yeah, we put it in radio.

28:39 Adam Well, let me say a couple of tips. You got to make them wear headphones and call them cans, because that's what you call them.

28:44 Greg Behrendt Slip it on the cans?

28:45 Adam Sure. Slip it on the cans and don't have that thing where they're doing talk shows, where they don't have headphones on.

28:49 Greg Behrendt Yeah, I know.

28:50 Adam Everyone's got to wear- Got to put the cans on. Cans, that's what we call them. Yeah. So make sure they got the cans on. Yeah, slip on the cans. Don't have the producers listening or laughing or participating anyway.

29:02 Drew They need to be sitting there like-

29:03 Greg Behrendt Just quiet.

29:04 Drew Dead. No, no, no, no.

29:05 Greg Behrendt Nothing.

29:06 Drew Like-

29:07 Greg Behrendt Just dead. I got you. Dead on the inside. Right.

29:10 Drew And the outside.

29:11 Greg Behrendt Right. Emotionally dead. I'll put that in the directions. The producers emotionally dead on the inside.

29:15 Adam Don't have anyone around the show too into the show.

29:18 Greg Behrendt No.

29:20 Adam If you ever go into the kitchen, you got to make sure the microwave stinks to high hell.

29:25 Drew Pizza or a burrito.

29:25 Greg Behrendt Okay.

29:26 Drew Or enchilada. Enchilada.

29:27 Adam Yeah. It should smell like that Taco Bell mascot was raped in the microwave. That's what just-

29:36 Drew By a burrito.

29:37 Adam Just hell. Yeah. Just raped with a burrito. That's right. A Mexican hooker was raped with a burrito. That's what it should smell like. Because if it was just burrito, it would smell kind of good.

29:46 Greg Behrendt Right, right.

29:47 Drew Right.

29:47 Greg Behrendt That sounds good. Yeah. Okay. I'll put that in there as well.

29:49 Drew And then coffee. Hell.

29:50 Adam Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then lots of notes on stuff all over the place. This is Jed's Tabasco sauce. You know, 40-something-year-old guys putting Post-It notes on a nickel's worth of Tabasco. Threatening.

30:04 Drew And a nice sort of detail would be that a Chef Boyardee can open, half-eaten, and then there's a paper towel stuffed in it.

30:10 Adam Moistened paper towel.

30:11 Greg Behrendt Yeah.

30:12 Adam Yeah, that's good.

30:12 Greg Behrendt Kind of soaking it up a little bit.

30:13 Drew Well, just a cup, because you want to save that for tomorrow.

30:16 Greg Behrendt Right, of course. Yeah, you need to.

30:17 Drew Or you're ravioli.

30:17 Adam Yeah, you know.

30:18 Drew Or you're Spaghetti O's.

30:19 Greg Behrendt Because you're in radio and you live a good life.

30:21 Adam You know what's good about radio, too? Angry notes posted around the kitchen. There was half a ding-dong in the thing. Whoever ate my ding-dong. Whoever ate the other half of my ding-dong. I want to answer. Really what happened is the janitor threw it out. Is what happened. Forty-something year olds writing angry notes on Coke machines, writing angry notes in kitchens. What's going on in radio?

30:44 Drew About super processed foods.

30:46 Yes.

30:48 Adam Eleven cents worth of nothing. Average age, 44. Awesome. What is it with radio, guys? Is everyone broken in radio? Is that what it is?

30:59 Drew Draw your own conclusion. Here we are.

31:00 Adam All right.

31:01 Drew Okay.

31:02 Adam Brandon?

31:03 Yes.

31:04 Adam You're 28?

31:05 Caller Yes, sir.

31:06 Adam What's up?

31:08 Caller Oh, you don't like me calling you sir, sorry.

31:10 Adam No, that's all right.

31:11 Drew Just seems comical.

31:12 Adam Yeah. Go ahead. Here's the other thing that's funny about radio too. I was just thinking about, I was just talking to somebody about KALIS-X, one of the stations out here in Los Angeles. They were like, KALIS-X is making money hand over fist. And I thought to myself, then why don't they have any goddamn carpet in that place? You ever been to KALIS-X? No carpet. They had indoor-outdoor carpet that looked like transmissions were changed on it and bums defecated into it for about 20 years and then they pulled it up. And now it's just slab. And I thought to myself, they're making money hand over fist. They got no goddamn carpeting.

31:47 Greg Behrendt Yeah, but that's the trick.

31:48 Adam Yeah, that's how they make money.

31:50 Greg Behrendt That's where you cut it back.

31:51 Adam That's radio, everybody. You work in a business with no carpet.

31:55 Drew But the interesting thing about radio is that the extra 12 cents a square yard nets them millions.

32:00 Adam Yeah, no. If they can't trade it out, if they can't trade it out to Flooring Plus, who they're now trying to get as an advertiser, they're not going to do it. But I just thought, making a ton of money, you don't have any goddamn carpet in the whole building. Awesome. Brandon?

32:14 Caller Yes.

32:15 Adam Go ahead.

32:16 Caller All right. I've got this girl. I've been chasing her for about four years. She's 21. I'm 28. She's got this thing when every time we'll have sex afterwards, she like talks about and she acts like she feels dirty or ashamed of herself.

32:34 Drew Did something happen to her growing up?

32:35 Caller Or are you just? I don't know. I can't get her to talk to me. I mean, I know her very well. But whenever it comes to this issue, she clams up. And well, a lot of people kind of reverse our positions.

32:51 Adam Sixty-nine, you mean?

32:53 Caller I'm kind of described as being the female in the relationship, and she's more like the guy because I'm the one who was always wanting to like snuggle up with her. I write poetry and stuff.

33:05 Adam Do you have any of that on hand? And by the way, Brandon is calling from Missouri. So officially the first person from Missouri ever to write poetry.

33:12 Caller Officially? Actually, I'm the only guy in Missouri a part of the Romantic Writers Association of America.

33:18 Adam Yeah. Oh my goodness. Here's where the meeting is every week. Wherever Brandon is at Friday at 5.

33:23 Drew All right.

33:24 Adam That's where it is.

33:24 Drew Here are your possibilities, Brandon. One is that she...

33:27 Adam And do you want to know?

33:28 Drew Yeah, I know.

33:29 Adam Do you want to know?

33:30 Drew But here are your possibilities.

33:31 Adam Well, maybe he doesn't.

33:32 Drew One is that she was sexually abused or was sexualized or somehow exposed to something very traumatic growing up and that having sex revokes that.

33:40 Adam What rhymes with sodomy? See, it's tough.

33:44 Drew Celiotomy.

33:46 Greg Behrendt Oh my god-omy.

33:48 Drew Freak-yost-o-no.

33:49 Adam All right, let's keep going. Show me some beats.

33:51 Drew Number two, a very stringent religious upbringing can make people feel guilty about being sexual at all, though that is fairly unusual these days. Okay.

34:02 Caller She's a wiccan.

34:03 Drew All right. Well, let's go back to the views.

34:05 Adam What rhymes with fat? That's an easy one. You got hat. Is she big gal, Brandon?

34:13 Caller No. Well, she's a little on the heavy side.

34:17 Drew How much would you say she weighs? How much does she weigh?

34:20 Caller Probably 160 pounds.

34:23 Drew 410?

34:24 Adam Brandon, what is going on in the background there?

34:27 Caller Both stupid phones. I'm at work.

34:30 Adam I see.

34:30 Caller All right. I'm a security officer and at night the phone rings.

34:34 Adam I see.

34:35 Caller I'm sorry about that.

34:35 Adam Yeah, you don't want to get that. Just officer down, shots fired.

34:38 Greg Behrendt Yeah, I was going to say.

34:39 Adam You finish up the distraction. You finish up your radio thing. Yeah, but you do what I think when I used to work here, just pick it up and slam it down again. That'll teach him a lesson.

34:46 Caller Well, the thing is that anybody calling me at this hour is just a friend.

34:49 Drew Then finally, who's hearing you on the radio right now. Finally, there is the possibility that she comes from a lot of chaos and has difficulty with intimacy and you being, as you've self-described, a nice guy, available, super romantic, all this stuff, makes her feel very uncomfortable.

35:06 Adam Well, the Wiccan part would raise a red flag for us.

35:09 Drew Yeah, that goes to the abuse category.

35:11 Adam We don't find that there's-

35:13 Caller She was raised Christian. Her mother was abusive. I know that.

35:16 Adam All right.

35:17 Caller There you go. But she became Wiccan. She's very, she's super intelligent.

35:23 Drew Okay. They didn't discuss her being or not being intelligence that has nothing to do with this.

35:28 Adam Right.

35:28 Caller Well, the thing that really gets me is like, she's always talking about needing love and then she'll, she'll sometimes like open up her arms and like motion like she needs to be hugged and like, and be very clingy and then other times like, I want to cuddle afterwards and she'll shove me away.

35:45 Drew All right.

35:45 Adam Well, what about, I just want to be-

35:47 Caller or she'll get into these-

35:48 Adam Hold on a second.

35:49 Drew Yeah, this is all chaos.

35:50 Adam What about the notion, and Greg you weigh in here too, of just she's 21. She's not going to do a whole lot of change in that fast. If you're in this relationship to change her, it's going to be long and uncomfortable relationship for you. What about the notion of just saying, I'm going to take her for what she is. If she tries to stab me in my sleep, I'm leaving. If she's good enough for me now, that's fine. I'm just going to hang in. It is what it is.

36:20 Drew Guys can do that, not Brandon. Brandon is weaving.

36:25 Adam Don't you wish someone would have said to you when you were in your early 20s or mid 20s and you're having these relationships that were so fueled with angst and feelings and what? Don't you wish a little kazoo would have landed on your shoulder?

36:40 Drew Say, hey, Dum Dum.

36:41 Adam Hey, Dum Dum. Yeah, another Flintstones reference. But the point is, your little muse lands on your shoulder and he says, hey, listen, you're not going to marry this girl. This thing's going to go on another six months and then you're going to have a few months off. You're going to meet somebody else. And then the third one you're going to marry, actually. So you know what? Just enjoy it. Don't try to change her. Don't get freaked out about the old boyfriend. Don't even just just just enjoy. Just be in it.

37:08 Greg Behrendt Ultimately, don't you think, A, you can't change her. She would have to change herself. But B, if you said, look, this isn't working for me, you know, I can take it for so long and then give her the option to then the consequences are, then she would have to look at it. But ultimately, you know what I mean? Like you can't change her. And the only thing you have is the ability to say, listen, this isn't working for me. So either we fix it or I have to move on.

37:27 Adam Right. That's about it. And really, if you do want her to change, that's the only way you can is the threat of moving on. Although I'm not sure if if Brandon is capable of that.

37:38 Drew Yeah. And you know, if she is as as borderline as she appears, she's going to be pushing, pushing away until you try to go away. And then it'll be like a total hell will break loose. There's a great book on borderline called I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. And you might want to read that book.

37:54 Adam All right, Brandon, you're going to have to grow not a spine, but at least a few more vertebrae. All right.

38:00 Drew What do you say about the...

38:00 Caller The only time I'm really mean is when I'm on the work.

38:03 Drew What do you say about the borderline?

38:05 Caller I used to be in therapy. I'm bipolar. And I used to be in therapy.

38:11 Drew Yeah.

38:11 Caller And my therapist used to say that he felt that she was borderline.

38:15 Drew Well, that's what I'm telling you, the same thing.

38:16 Caller Yeah. What would you say the name of the book was?

38:19 Drew I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.

38:21 Caller I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.

38:21 Adam All right. Write that down. And, yeah.

38:26 Drew She's borderline.

38:27 Adam It's not gonna work.

38:28 Drew No.

38:28 Adam And she's wicked.

38:30 Drew Whatever.

38:30 Adam Here's the thing, too. That, you know, I'm gonna...

38:32 Greg Behrendt That's just too much God smack.

38:33 Adam I'm gonna write a... I'm not gonna write a book. I'm just gonna have a laminated cheat sheet that people can keep in their wallet, like that tipping chart that chicks have to use, non-Asian women to figure out what to tip. Like my wife. $21. I just figure it would be 20. What do you... Do the 21 to round up the... All right, but anyway, a little laminated cheat sheet, which is guys can look at it when... See if chicks are nuts. Here's the thing, Wiccan, that's up there. Indicalonix, way up there. This is just a sort of... These are the big beats to look for. I hate stepdad, you know, that kind of thing. Doesn't know real dad.

39:11 Drew Cries after sex.

39:12 Adam I don't know, cries after sex, cries during sex, cries before sex, yeah. A lot of that. Or wants you to strangle her or punch her when you're, you know what I mean? Or do that thing where you pretend to break in and rape her. There's just 10 basic...

39:25 Drew Greg's next book. This is Greg's next book. How to know that it's good enough for now, girl.

39:29 Adam Here's the name of the book, Don't Get This Crazy Bitch Pregnant. That's gonna be the name of it. Oprah will have it.

39:36 Greg Behrendt That'll be right on Oprah.

39:37 Adam Sure. My wife, who actually forced me to watch Oprah during the week, during the break, actually. She teed with it. I enjoyed it. Then my mom came in with a tape from Oprah, which is awesome. But my mom came over yesterday with a tape. She said, I saw a comedian on Oprah. His name is John Stewart. He's on it. Do you know who he is? I was like, yeah, I think I know that guy. We have the same agent, by the way. My stupid wife jumped in and said, after about 20 minutes, she couldn't take it anymore. I had to say, I screwed up. But point is, I was watching Oprah and every chick's nuts about Oprah. Her popularity just keeps growing.

40:30 Greg Behrendt Unbelievable.

40:31 Adam My wife's like, wait a minute, you're going to be on TLC? I was like, yeah. She goes, Oprah loves you. Oh my God, imagine if you were on Oprah. She went and she just went. It's the most exciting I've ever seen her. Suddenly you've arrived. That's right.

40:42 Greg Behrendt It's crazy. It's crazy how people enjoy her.

40:45 Adam I could only, well, Drew's been on. I'm the only guy in the room who hasn't been on Oprah. That's right.

40:49 Greg Behrendt Get yourself on there. Let me tell you something. Get yourself on there.

40:52 Adam Yeah.

40:52 Greg Behrendt Where it's fantastic.

40:53 Adam You'll move product, yes?

40:54 Greg Behrendt You'll definitely move some product.

40:56 Adam Craig Barron is here tonight, the author of He's Just Not That Into You. We'll take a quick break. We'll be right back after this.

41:12 Drew Yeah, what happened to that old guy? He used to sing this song.

41:14 Adam I mean, we went to a fraternity party once, and the riot broke out in the streets, you know, and I remember pulling on diapers. Hey, everybody, Love Line. Um, Adam, that's Dr. Drew. Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. Great.

41:36 Drew Berendt.

41:37 Adam Berendt. No, Berendt. Yeah.

41:38 Greg Behrendt Berendt.

41:39 Adam See?

41:39 Greg Behrendt Berendt.

41:40 Adam See? I'm just going to cross out how it's spelled.

41:42 Greg Behrendt I know.

41:43 Adam B-E-H-R-E-N-T-E-R.

41:45 Drew B-A-R-E-N-T.

41:47 Adam Yeah, that's what I'm going to do, B-A-R-E-N-T. He is the author of He's Just Not That Into You, co-author, but I'm just going with author tonight. He's also going to be at the Irvine Improv coming up Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. This week, got a deal for a movie, Lookout. Have you thought about anybody or we talked about this? Yeah.

42:11 Greg Behrendt Well, I'm not going to have a say in it. We'll write it and then New Line will make that decision. But I like Ethan Hawke actually because it's about a guy who's sort of a guy who hasn't let go of the sort of grunge, slackery thing and so I think he'd be good. And I saw him on Conan I think the other night. I just thought he would be cool. It would be good for him. And he's funny. I think he's actually funny.

42:32 Adam Yeah. Was he married to Uma?

42:35 Greg Behrendt He was married to Uma.

42:36 Adam Yeah. That'll break up. Yeah, he's good. He was good in Training Day too. And good in Slackers or what the hell was that movie? What the hell with the Winona Ryder and Reality Bites. Reality Bites. Thank you. David?

42:56 Yeah. Yep.

42:58 Adam What's up?

43:01 First of all, I just wanted to say thanks, Greg, for the book that you wrote. I think all girls should have that. Thanks.

43:07 Adam Dave.

43:08 Drew As we have David getting away with his stuff.

43:10 Adam Right. Go ahead.

43:12 Anyway, pretty much what I'm wondering is, I have this girl that I've been dating for a while, and I'm just wondering how I can give her the hint that I don't want to be with her anymore.

43:25 Drew See, this is the risk of what you were advocating earlier, which is that the kazoo comes down and tells you dumb, dumb, just relax and enjoy yourself. Well, you do that, and then you end up like David with the girl going, what's going on here? You're behaving like you're really into this relationship. You certainly aren't straying or going elsewhere. You're not giving me any signs that you want to move along. Well, let's dig in, and off they go, and all of a sudden, David's going, now, how do I get out?

43:49 Adam How long has it been?

43:51 It's been like four years, and we were together for a while. It was great, probably the best relationship I've ever had.

44:00 Drew You're 17. How many relationships have you had?

44:01 Adam I started this as a zygote. Look, here's the thing. Why do you want out?

44:09 Caller It's just like the relationship we've gotten away. We moved away from each other, and we lived apart for a while, and so I pretty much got over it.

44:16 Adam Are you into somebody else?

44:19 Caller I am kind of now.

44:20 Adam Yeah, there's somebody. That's not the issue. No, it's not the issue.

44:25 Greg Behrendt Except that it is.

44:26 Adam No, it's like you were thinking about quitting your job that you'd been thinking about for two years, and then there was a fire, and you fled. This is the fire sale. You're leaving. You're leaving the premises now because of this.

44:38 Drew That's right.

44:39 Adam This is a motivator. Anything, Greg, or is there any trick to this?

44:43 Greg Behrendt I don't think there's a trick to it. I just think that you have to be, I think it hurts no matter what you do it, but we have to realize if you're dragging somebody through the mud and being unclear with them, it's just unfair, and it makes them start to question themselves, and then they want to know why.

44:55 Drew Swift and sure.

44:56 Greg Behrendt Just tell her, yeah.

44:57 Adam Swift and sure. And what?

44:58 Caller It's impossible. It is impossible.

45:00 Greg Behrendt Why is it impossible?

45:01 Drew Every man on earth does it. Every woman on earth does it.

45:04 Caller I don't know, I've been as honest with her as I can about anything. I've told her I've kind of been with other people, and I've told her that.

45:13 Greg Behrendt You just gotta go, here's how it goes. You just gotta go, hey listen, this is over. I can't go any further, and then we're done, and there's no more phone calls, there's no more.

45:21 Drew Don't torture her with setting things up to make her miserable, to make her leave, to push her away. You must have the way to stand up and say, it is over.

45:30 Greg Behrendt And then don't make plans to call her later, and don't check in on seeing how she's doing, because that's not helping her going, we definitely need like two months.

45:36 Drew Swift and short.

45:37 Adam Don't give that, and who knows what the future holds.

45:40 Greg Behrendt We could grow that. That's just to make you feel better about the breakup, but the real thing is just get out, bro. Tell her no.

45:47 Drew That's what's kindest to her.

45:48 Adam You could use my line, which I haven't quoted in a while, which is, it's not you, it's me. I'm not into you.

45:58 Drew I'm no longer into you.

45:59 Greg Behrendt It's not you, it's me. I don't enjoy you.

46:02 Adam Yeah, look, short and swift. And here's the thing, too. If you want, all you can do is, you can have no, she can't have a kernel of thought about you two getting back together. What you can do is say, we're definitely not getting back together, there's definitely nothing wrong with you, you're not an unattractive person, and there's nothing wrong with you, and you'll be fine. You and I will not be together, don't beat yourself up.

46:25 Greg Behrendt But don't say I love you, but I'm not in love with you. That's the worst.

46:28 Drew This is what's supposed to happen in relationships that begin at 17.

46:31 Adam That's right. This is how Drew said to do it. All right, we'll take a quick break, be right back after this.

46:36 Caller All right, guys, here's the deal. Looking to hook up?

46:38 Adam Call the Dateline. Are you kidding me?

46:58 Drew He has kids. That's the thing.

47:01 Adam I started going nuts. I couldn't put it down. Are you kidding?

47:05 Drew Of course you can.

47:06 Adam Of course you can. Billboards.

47:08 Billboards are personal billboards.

47:10 Adam You can't not. It's like missing your own reflection from here. Yeah! Never looked into a stream. Yeah. Greg Behrendt is here tonight. Greg is the author of He's Just Not That Into You, bestseller on the New York Times bestseller list, also Wall Street Journal and USA Today. I'd say between USA Today and Wall Street Journal, you're about covered.

47:36 Drew Yeah. Yeah.

47:36 Adam Because everyone is in between.

47:38 Greg Behrendt Everyone else? Yeah, you're absolutely right.

47:40 Adam There's nothing that doesn't, there's no human being that doesn't fall in between USA Today and the Wall Street Journal. Also, he's going to be at the Irvine Improv this Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, working on a sitcom based on this in a movie.

47:56 Greg Behrendt The sitcom thing was based on my stand-up CD and that's no longer happening.

48:00 Adam Oh, screw that, but the movie.

48:02 Greg Behrendt But the movie should be coming out sometime in 2006. Yeah, if we get it all done.

48:06 Adam Yeah. Yeah. They're paying you for the script, right?

48:08 Greg Behrendt Yeah. I have another book coming out in the-

48:10 Drew Oh, what's that about?

48:11 Greg Behrendt My wife and I have a book coming out called that. It's called The Breakup Because It's Broken.

48:15 Adam Wow.

48:15 Greg Behrendt It's how to recognize that you're actually in a breakup and how to get through it. How to cut to the chase like we were just talking about, can get out, stay out, move on.

48:23 Adam I should suggest we write one of those with my wife so she takes it.

48:28 Greg Behrendt Then we write a book.

48:29 Drew You're an asshole.

48:31 Adam Honey, I'd like to write a breakup book. Is that cool or how do you feel?

48:37 Drew Let's go ahead and whatever you say.

48:39 Adam You ready?

48:40 Drew Yeah.

48:40 Adam Ready to write?

48:41 Drew Here we go.

48:42 Adam How was it writing a breakup book with your wife though? She didn't feel like-

48:45 Greg Behrendt We did it by email. We sat in the same bed and emailed to each other. It was good because we both had come out of really bad breakups.

48:50 Adam Right.

48:50 Drew They'd just been through breakups.

48:51 Greg Behrendt Yeah. It was sort of like cut.

48:52 Adam But she didn't take it as a bad sign or anything.

48:54 Greg Behrendt It's her idea. I should maybe take it as a bad sign. I really should.

48:57 Caller Oh.

48:59 Adam Yeah. Okay. We should write a book about guys who write books. They don't know what you're talking about. Write that book to her.

49:06 Drew The book, How to Not See the Handwriting on the Wall.

49:08 Adam Yeah. When you're writing a breakup.

49:10 Drew Yeah.

49:11 Greg Behrendt Fair enough.

49:12 Caller Brittany?

49:13 Caller Yeah.

49:14 Adam You're 18?

49:15 Caller Hi guys.

49:16 Adam What's happening? Yeah. You sound hot.

49:19 Caller Yeah. Thank you. All right. Well, the thing is I like guys and girls. I have this girlfriend, I have this girl, and we kind of made out in March when we were drunk. And she likes it, and we've made out ever since, and we're best friends. We love each other. We do anything for each other. Yeah. I just want to know, how would I go about making her more comfortable with her sexuality? She's never done this with girls before.

49:57 Adam Well, you got a drugger. That's the way to get people to feel comfortable with their sexuality.

50:02 Drew There was an interesting article in New York Times this morning about bisexuality, where it was suggesting, it was a fairly well-done study apparently, that bisexuality doesn't exist in men. That it's as we've always expected.

50:11 Adam Gay with a publicist?

50:13 Drew Gay with a publicist. Gay men trying not to be gay.

50:15 Adam Yeah. It's on your way to gay.

50:17 Drew It's bye-bye.

50:18 Adam They're saying bye as a guy, as I've always said, saying bye to heterosexuality. It's not bisexual. It's bye to vagina. Bye, vagina. Not going to miss you.

50:28 Drew Bye, vagina sexual.

50:29 Adam Yes. Hello, homo. That's really what it is. All right. So yeah, there's no- No, there's no-

50:35 Drew But in women, but in women, there-

50:36 Adam You don't just dabble in penis. You're gay. Good enough.

50:41 Greg Behrendt You don't dabble, right?

50:42 Adam You do not dabble. It's no hobby.

50:44 Drew Though there is a category, separate category of called men who have sex with men, not gay.

50:49 Adam Well, let me explain something. There's two things. Those are inmates and those are certain Latin cultures who are like, I'm not gay. I was packing his ass. That's not gay. He's gay. He was a guy who was sodomizing was gay. Not me. I'm more man. In a way, I get your argument too. That's a lot of man.

51:09 Drew Semantics.

51:11 Adam Yeah.

51:12 Drew Still gay.

51:13 Adam Well, yeah.

51:15 Drew In women, it's a little more fluid. Yeah. I would imagine Brittany had some boundary issues growing up. That's what that causes this kind of thing.

51:23 Adam Brittany? Yeah.

51:24 Drew Yeah. Brittany's on hold. Brittany.

51:28 Adam Did you put her on hold?

51:29 Drew No. Somebody over the other end did. Hello?

51:31 Adam Oh, really?

51:31 Drew Because of the crazy noise.

51:32 Adam I don't have a tumor.

51:33 Drew No.

51:34 Adam Okay. Good.

51:35 Drew Danny, what's your history like?

51:39 Caller My history.

51:40 Drew Yeah. Why so fluid with your sexual identity?

51:43 Caller Oh, okay. Well, my first kiss was with a girl.

51:46 Drew How old were you?

51:47 Caller And I was very young. I was about seven.

51:50 Drew And how old was the girl?

51:52 Caller Same age.

51:53 Adam That doesn't matter.

51:54 Drew Well, but did it become more sexual at that young age?

51:59 Caller No. We'd just hide somewhere and just kiss.

52:03 Adam How sexual is the relationship you're having with your best friend? You say you make out.

52:08 Drew Is it just the same thing as... That's it.

52:10 Adam Just kissing.

52:12 Caller Yeah.

52:12 Drew Isn't it interesting? It's just like it was when she was seven.

52:14 Caller Cuddling, too. Cuddling in bed. We wouldn't touch anything, but...

52:19 Adam Now, what about you? When you're attracted to her, how come you don't keep pushing along?

52:25 Caller Well, I kind of... I don't know. I just thought myself, kind of, because I know that she's not comfortable.

52:33 Drew How have your relationships been with men?

52:39 Caller My last relationship with a guy was for about three years.

52:43 Drew And how was it?

52:45 Caller It was good.

52:47 Drew How did it end?

52:48 Caller It ended because I moved for college.

52:51 All right.

52:52 Drew There you go. All right. So how to make her more secure? You can't do anything to make her anything.

52:58 Adam You want to say... When you say moved for college, you mean the college in your town asked you to leave? Or you actually want somewhere to go to college?

53:06 Caller No. I moved to San Diego to go to college.

53:08 Adam San Diego State?

53:10 Drew No.

53:10 Caller I got to Grossmont.

53:12 Drew Well, one we don't even know about.

53:13 Adam Grossmont. Junior college?

53:16 Caller Yeah.

53:17 Adam Shocking. It wasn't too far off. The college asked her to leave. You left town to go to junior college?

53:24 Yeah.

53:25 Drew She left Calexico to go to San Diego.

53:28 Adam Be fair. Where are you going? Yeah. Why did you go in there?

53:31 Drew Where did you leave?

53:32 Adam Where did you leave?

53:35 Caller Why did I leave?

53:35 Drew Where did you leave?

53:36 Adam Where did you leave?

53:38 Caller Oh, LA.

53:40 Adam LA. Why? I mean, who the hell leaves to go to junior college?

53:44 Caller Oh, because I wanted to go to UCSD.

53:47 Drew Yeah, but you're not going there.

53:49 Caller I wanted to transfer. I needed to get out.

53:53 Drew Why did you need to get out? Why?

53:55 Adam Why?

53:55 Drew Why?

53:55 Adam We keep asking why.

53:56 Drew What was going on at home?

53:57 Caller Oh, well, I've had, yeah, I've had problems with my mom.

54:00 Drew All right. There we go. All right.

54:02 Adam So a little chaos there.

54:04 Caller Yeah. With her, Herman. Oh.

54:08 Adam Uh-oh.

54:08 Drew Did they abuse you?

54:10 Caller No. Well, no.

54:12 Drew Uh-oh.

54:14 Caller Verbally, maybe, but that's not it.

54:15 Adam All right. There's issues here.

54:17 Drew Is mom an alcoholic?

54:20 Caller Who?

54:20 Drew Mom, alcoholic?

54:22 Caller Oh, no. Not at all.

54:23 Adam Okay. She's in the lutes. Okay. Here's the thing. Uh, it's...

54:28 Drew No, not at all become a standard answer of a negative to a question.

54:32 Adam I don't know when the not at all part. I think about the time we're engaged to be married. I think about the time that came into vogue.

54:40 Drew No, not at all.

54:41 Adam Uh, the other thing, well, it started with black athletes. Uh, Lamont, you, uh, you had, uh, four drop balls and, uh, you'd actually gotten, uh, 170 yards in, uh, penalties. You think that had to do with it? No, not at all. So that's how I started doing that part. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. But no, not at all. Started that one. Where were we, Drew?

55:06 Drew I don't know.

55:06 Adam Uh, here's the thing about Brittany. And by the way, you want to know the difference between men and women. She's in love with this woman, it sounds like.

55:13 Drew Kind of.

55:13 Adam Certainly has a crush on her.

55:15 Drew Yes.

55:15 Adam They lie in the same bed, cuddling all night.

55:18 Drew And that's it.

55:19 Adam Man would be moving forward sexually, at least attempting.

55:25 Drew Have to.

55:26 Adam First move would be, see if she could do something. Second, okay, juice them up. Get some booze going. Gotta get some booze.

55:33 Greg Behrendt Right.

55:34 Drew One strange irony is, is that the women are sort of offended by men trying to move things along, but if a man doesn't try, what's the matter?

55:41 Adam Right.

55:41 Greg Behrendt That's so true.

55:41 Adam They're not attracted to a fat ass?

55:43 Drew Yeah.

55:43 Adam Right. So it's weird, though, that she just gets the vibe of the chick not wanting to move along, and that's enough to keep her from moving along.

55:51 Drew You know what? I think this-

55:52 Adam Not really by.

55:53 Drew You know what I think? I think that she actually had a tender intimacy with her friend when she was seven, and she's now left a chaotic home and is looking for that same kind of connection that she can't get with men but found once in the remote past, and really, this isn't a sexual thing at all. That's my bet.

56:08 Greg Behrendt So she's actually keeping it from going forward.

56:10 Drew She doesn't want it to go forward. She's interested in that and she will move on to something else.

56:12 Greg Behrendt Because the girl is laying there with her and it's consistent.

56:15 Drew This is not a sexual thing.

56:16 Greg Behrendt Yeah, they must think so.

56:17 Adam No, this is about finding intimacy. This is almost a little bit of a Michael Jackson thing, just once a little. The point is, is it really or is that completely different? Once the cuddle with somebody who's not going to threaten you, you know what I mean?

56:35 Drew Well, it's literally a recreation of that cuddling she had when she was seven.

56:38 Adam Right, right. Once to go back to the time before the abusive boyfriends and the chaos and all that, the innocent time.

56:45 Drew And get the tender needs met again. And it's not such, maybe it's adaptive, I don't know.

56:49 Adam All right.

56:50 Drew Who, we cannot judge.

56:51 Adam It's impossible to judge.

56:52 Drew You cannot judge, Adam.

56:53 Adam But we can judge about her going to junior college in San Diego to try to transfer.

56:57 Greg Behrendt How about that? Yeah.

56:58 Adam Yeah. Awesome.

56:59 Drew That was all BS, by the way. Why couldn't she transfer from Santa Monica College or Pierce College?

57:05 Adam Here's the deal. People that go to junior college are basically, it's a scarlet letter.

57:13 Drew Where's your shirt, by the way?

57:14 Adam I'm going to wear it tomorrow.

57:16 Caller How about a junior college shirt?

57:17 Drew Junior college. Oh, fantastic.

57:18 Adam Junior college is basically, admitting you go to junior college is the adult sexual equivalent to having herpes. There's a stigma there. You go to an Ivy League school, it's like saying you have a 9-inch penis. You go to junior college like saying you got herpes. You know what I mean? That's basically what it is. You should be ashamed, by the way. And it's actually worse than herpes.

57:43 Drew Worse, yeah.

57:43 Adam Herpes chooses you. You don't choose it.

57:45 Drew Herpes burns out with time.

57:47 Adam And also burns out. It goes away. Well, it's gone after five years.

57:49 Drew Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You're glad you wear it the rest of your life.

57:52 Adam Yeah.

57:52 Drew It is who you are.

57:53 Adam Hold your ears, by the way, engineer Chris. 29. When are you going to be 30? I want you out of junior college before your 30th birthday.

58:00 Drew Five years. He's already 30.

58:03 Adam Here's the whole thing. I treat junior college like a Logan's run. I start killing people at 27. That's it, except for the Asian nursing students. Okay. All right. So here's my point.

58:17 Drew It's soiling green.

58:18 Adam Once in a while, somebody goes to junior college, tries to sneak one past people by going out of town.

58:25 Drew Right. Going away to school.

58:27 Adam Then, yeah, they say going away to school, which throws you off, because who the hell would go to junior college away from the junior college?

58:34 Drew Right.

58:35 Adam All right. That's number one. Then oftentimes it's good because it's not in the vicinity. See, people don't know. People know their own crappy junior college.

58:43 Drew I'm going to Goodman.

58:44 Adam Right. If you say go to LA Valley College, your peers, everyone lasts their ass off. You go, I'm going to Saddle Peak Ranch. I feel like, well, it sounds like a nice school.

58:52 Drew Then the comedy is you're going away to a better junior college. The more prestigious, what?

59:00 Sure. But I did get something out of it though.

59:02 Adam What did you get?

59:02 I got my AA.

59:03 Adam Got the herpes.

59:04 Drew You got it? Oh my God.

59:05 Adam Hold on.

59:06 Drew Oh my God. Chris. Hallelujah. Well done.

59:09 Adam Yeah. Wait a minute.

59:10 Drew Wait a minute. Why did you bring that up earlier?

59:12 Adam You got your AA?

59:12 Because you didn't talk about it.

59:14 Drew What do you mean?

59:15 Adam I bash the crap out of junior college every night.

59:17 Caller Yeah.

59:18 Adam What happened, buddy?

59:19 Drew You're done.

59:19 I know I talked to my counselor and she said, yeah, I got it.

59:23 Drew You're good to go.

59:24 Caller Yeah.

59:24 Adam Now, it wasn't just one of the sympathy things where she's like, yeah, it's just a prank.

59:28 Well, so, no, she had to double-check and everything.

59:29 Drew This was your transfer thing now. Now, you transfer.

59:30 Now, I got to check out the schools and stuff.

59:33 Drew I want to see the applications on my desk tomorrow morning.

59:35 Adam All right. Where are you going? What are you looking at now?

59:38 Harvard.

59:39 Drew Yeah, of course.

59:41 Adam Now, what's the deal? Now, is the world your oyster? What are they looking for now? The placement test? The world is your oyster. Thank you. Because that's all the world is. You know, it was funny, Anderson. I brought a check for you tonight. I was thinking about giving it to you, but nah. The world is your oyster. I mean, because that's all the world is.

1:00:01 Drew Come on. That was good fingers.

1:00:02 Adam Thinking about giving it to him.

1:00:03 Drew Come on.

1:00:04 Yeah.

1:00:04 What's up?

1:00:06 Drew Where are you going?

1:00:06 Adam Oh, he shut his mind off.

1:00:07 I don't know.

1:00:08 Drew No, seriously.

1:00:09 No, seriously.

1:00:09 Drew I don't. Give me a guess. What are you thinking about going? UCLA, right?

1:00:14 Yeah, UCLA.

1:00:15 Drew Okay.

1:00:15 Really?

1:00:18 Adam Here's the thing. Here's the thing that scares me.

1:00:20 Caller I love UCLA.

1:00:21 Adam He went to two-year college for 19 years. If he goes to a four-year college, it's going to be at least 38 years.

1:00:25 Caller I'm not just running off to 20.

1:00:26 Drew Yeah, but look, at least he'll be at a four-year college.

1:00:28 All right.

1:00:28 Adam All right, buddy.

1:00:29 Drew Thank you.

1:00:32 Adam That's awesome.

1:00:33 Thank you.

1:00:33 Adam Awesome stuff.

1:00:35 Caller All right.

1:00:38 Adam Amanda?

1:00:39 Hello?

1:00:39 Adam You're 17?

1:00:40 Caller Yeah.

1:00:41 Adam What's up?

1:00:43 Caller My girlfriend and I are both addicts.

1:00:45 Adam All right.

1:00:45 Caller Nice. She's going through rehab right now, and I'm really not sure how to be there for her because I'm not in rehab.

1:00:53 Drew You can't be there for her. Here's how you can be there for her. Get yourself sober.

1:00:58 Caller That's the bottom line. I started cleaning up last month.

1:01:02 Drew No. Get into a program. You just cleaning up will not do anything for her if that's the reason you're going to get into sobriety.

1:01:08 Caller You have to be 18 to put yourself in through to rehab and stuff. My mom doesn't believe that I'm actually using and need the help. All right.

1:01:15 Drew Well, then go to some meetings on the outside.

1:01:17 Greg Behrendt You don't have to be any age to go to those.

1:01:18 Drew All you got to do is have a desire to quit.

1:01:21 Adam Where'd she go? NA?

1:01:22 Drew CA, NA. If you're drinking a lot of AAs, it's fine.

1:01:24 Caller I'm actually at all of them. NA, CA, AA, all of them.

1:01:27 Drew You go to all of them? No.

1:01:29 Caller My girlfriend's with all of them.

1:01:30 Drew Well, you don't go with her. I'm talking about you, though. You Amanda. You got a sponsor. You start working the steps. You get well. You're 17. You're already strung out on meth.

1:01:38 Adam Meth's the worst.

1:01:40 Drew It's brain damaging. It's going to change you forever.

1:01:43 Adam Damn. The only thing worse than meth is Mountain Dew. Actually, Sunny Delight is worse than meth, actually.

1:01:50 Caller I don't have a ride out to go to groups and stuff because groups are down in Boise and I'm like, I don't know.

1:01:55 Drew You call AA in Boise and they will come and pick you up.

1:01:58 Greg Behrendt Someone will come get you. Absolutely.

1:02:00 Adam Here's the thing, too, Amanda. Think about the resourcefulness of people that are strung out in terms of getting their drugs. Think about how good they are at doing it.

1:02:08 Drew Right. How much money you spend.

1:02:11 Adam If someone has no money, no job, no car, no nothing, we'll figure out a way to go out and score in that 45 minutes. Right.

1:02:16 Drew All right.

1:02:17 Adam Use one-tenth of that to go get yourself some help. That all like, I don't have a ride. So what? You didn't have a ride when you were scoring. You didn't have a ride for anything. You went out and did it.

1:02:26 Greg Behrendt You can do it. Yeah. In most places, AA makes themselves pretty available to you.

1:02:30 Drew Oh, yeah.

1:02:31 Greg Behrendt It's very easy to get to any meeting.

1:02:34 Caller Is there like any way to like for both of us?

1:02:37 Drew No, stop with the both. Stop with the both.

1:02:40 Adam I don't understand the both part. She's doing her work, right?

1:02:44 Caller No, not really.

1:02:45 Adam Well, didn't you say she was in a program?

1:02:47 Caller She's in a program, but her mom put her in because I made her talk to her mom and ask her for help.

1:02:52 Drew Yeah, she's in a program and that's separate from you, and you need to do some work on your own.

1:02:59 Adam What do you want us to do? Dig a tunnel between where she's at and where you're at?

1:03:05 Drew Not only that, you never treat people in relationships in the same program. You don't do that because you have to talk about intimate details that you may not feel that comfortable talking about in front of the person that you're having very whatever feelings about.

1:03:18 Adam So do your own thing, Amanda.

1:03:20 Drew Let's go, get it together. Chris got it together, Amanda.

1:03:24 Adam Chris graduated from junior college, everybody.

1:03:29 Drew It's interesting.

1:03:31 Adam Let him serve as a shining beacon of hope for all you folks out there.

1:03:35 Caller Yeah.

1:03:37 Adam That's him. Chris, but no ceremony? Was there a graduation ceremony?

1:03:42 Caller No, I think I applied too late.

1:03:45 Drew Yeah, so ceremony. All right.

1:03:47 Adam All right. You don't need that.

1:03:48 Caller Yeah.

1:03:48 Adam You don't need a cap and a gown to let you know.

1:03:50 Drew We just gave you the acknowledgement.

1:03:51 Caller That would be for the university.

1:03:53 Drew Well, as you said, they don't have graduation.

1:03:56 Adam Oh, that's right.

1:03:56 Caller They do. They do, but I was just late.

1:03:58 Drew No cap and gown.

1:03:59 Adam No cap and gown? What do they have? Do they have a ceremony?

1:04:02 Caller No, they do. The cap and gown and everything.

1:04:05 Greg Behrendt It's in a parking lot. It's really informal.

1:04:07 Adam Three weeks ago, he told us they didn't have that.

1:04:09 Drew Yeah, play the tape back. Don't worry.

1:04:10 Adam But that's when I was making a joke about it.

1:04:12 Drew Hey, it's interesting about this recovery stuff. I did an interview with some magazine today about the Tom Cruise thing again.

1:04:18 Adam Oh, Bear.

1:04:19 Drew Bear magazine?

1:04:20 Adam Yeah.

1:04:20 Drew Yeah. And she was asking a question about, is there anything redeeming what he was saying? And I thought, you know, there is something in this idea that people take a pill and it's over stuff. And all too often, people don't try to do the spiritual, interpersonal, and psychological work. They can't help them grow and change and change their character structure and stuff. And so there's something to be discussed there. And recovery is an inexpensive and free way to do that. You will change.

1:04:46 Greg Behrendt And there are a lot of people in recovery who believe the same things that he, you know, you'll hear people share meetings that, you know.

1:04:51 Drew Well, I think more and more people in recovery understand that, you know, you do speed for 10 years, your brain is damaged. You're probably going to be on something to help compensate for that damage. But that the, it sort of misses the bigger picture to, or the more meaningful picture to just stop with taking a medication. There's something much more to be gotten out of life.

1:05:11 Adam All right. Let's talk to, uh, Kiley?

1:05:15 Drew Kaley?

1:05:16 Adam Kaley, 27, was a car accident. Now, every time pops a vibra. What? What does that say?

1:05:23 Drew I don't know what that's going to say. Kaley. Kaley.

1:05:25 Adam Hold on.

1:05:26 Drew Wait a minute.

1:05:26 Adam I had a thought today.

1:05:27 Drew Oh, I know. Really?

1:05:29 Caller Were you okay?

1:05:31 Adam It fled.

1:05:31 Greg Behrendt Did you lay down?

1:05:32 Adam I kept it for a minute.

1:05:33 Drew Oh, wow.

1:05:34 Adam I was thinking, this architect I'm working with, he always goes by Starbucks before he comes over to my house to talk to me and then he always holds, you don't realize you go to Starbucks, you get one of these tall things, they're in your hand for about 14 hours.

1:05:47 Drew The venti.

1:05:47 Adam Yeah. You get the massive one, you wave them around for about three hours. He's waving it and he's pointing it and it just struck me that Starbucks always writes your name with a sharpie on the cup. This guy's name is John. So when he's pointing it at me, he's holding it. I'm thinking of the bathroom, but I'm also thinking John. I thought, they don't really know what your name is. I thought, when I go to Starbucks, I'm going to use a name like Dutch, or maybe Duke, or Hondo.

1:06:14 Drew Something when they yell, it'll be ridiculous.

1:06:16 Adam Then I'm going to walk around.

1:06:18 Drew It's definitely you.

1:06:19 Adam That's not my point. I'm going to walk around during the day.

1:06:21 Drew I got it.

1:06:22 Adam I'm going to be holding this thing that says Hondo or Turk. You know what I mean? People are going to be impressed. Yeah. I'm gesturing with the thing. I'm talking to the ladies. They're reading my Starbucks thing and they're like, Big Dicks on my back. Wow. I don't know if they're going to write that. Yeah. They can't write-

1:06:41 Drew That's what you say your name is.

1:06:42 Adam Well, they might write dick.

1:06:44 Drew There are lots of dicks in the room when you're giving a Starbucks.

1:06:48 Adam I'm just saying, maybe Big Dicky, you could do. But I don't think they're going to write big. I do think they would go with a Turk or a Dutch, maybe even a Studs or something like that. Something that was a little more impressive than whatever your name was. You know what I mean? Nickname, spats. You know what I mean?

1:07:08 Greg Behrendt I should just put phrases on there. Should I just be able to say, could you put caring, sensitive lover on mine today?

1:07:13 Adam Right. That would be a good draw.

1:07:14 Greg Behrendt I would like people to know that that's who I am today.

1:07:15 Adam That would be a good draw too.

1:07:17 Greg Behrendt I mean, you can't, they can't actually tell you that's not your name, if that's what you give them.

1:07:20 Adam They might ask you to produce some identification.

1:07:22 Greg Behrendt I don't have it. It's in the truck. Caring, sensitive lover on my latte.

1:07:26 Adam Really going to need to see a license.

1:07:28 Greg Behrendt I'm going to just have you get me my coffee, really. Do you need me to talk to a manager?

1:07:31 Adam Sir, sir, sir.

1:07:32 Greg Behrendt I like to talk to a manager.

1:07:33 Adam Sir, sir, sir. It's always bad when you get the three or four sirs in a row. Sir, sir, sir, three sirs. Drew, you ever got that? I get the three sirs on the airplane a lot. Sir, sir, sir, and then followed with I'm going to need you to. Sir, sir, I'm going to need you to go ahead and sit down for me right now, sir, sir. Yeah, triple sir. By the way though, it means you've arrived.

1:07:55 Greg Behrendt Yeah, of course.

1:07:55 Adam It means you're somewhere drunk and you're doing something.

1:07:59 Greg Behrendt Yeah, or it means you're a jerk. Right.

1:08:01 Adam No, not me. Kaylee?

1:08:04 Greg Behrendt Hi.

1:08:04 Adam What's up?

1:08:06 Greg Behrendt I got into an accident about two months ago.

1:08:10 Drew Kaylee is from Bakers. Hang on a second, Kaylee. I saw a huge article in like, I don't know, LA Times or something about the Renaissance in Bakersfield. Renaissance.

1:08:19 Adam Renaissance Fair or the actual Renaissance?

1:08:21 Drew No, the actual huge housing developments and middle income folks flocking.

1:08:25 Adam Where are they going to move all the people from Bakersfield? That's my question.

1:08:29 Drew How they've never had anything like this. It's becoming sort of Main Street, California. So Bakersfield has a symphony and a cultural center.

1:08:38 Greg Behrendt They should move them all out to Oildale for all the Rednecks, please.

1:08:41 Adam Really?

1:08:42 Drew Where?

1:08:43 Greg Behrendt Oildale.

1:08:43 Drew Oildale.

1:08:44 Adam Oildale. Didn't the Archies go to high school there?

1:08:46 Drew At Oildale.

1:08:48 Greg Behrendt At Oildale.

1:08:49 Adam Oildale High School. All right. So Kaylee, you got into a car accident. I look at living in Bakersfield as a car accident.

1:08:58 Drew Yeah, but no, they said pictures, these beautiful housing developments.

1:09:00 Adam But she was born there. She was raised there, right, Kaylee?

1:09:04 Greg Behrendt No, I wasn't.

1:09:05 Adam How long have you been in Bakersfield?

1:09:08 Greg Behrendt On and off for about the past five or six years.

1:09:10 Drew So she's by the urban flight up to Bakersfield.

1:09:12 Adam Wow. Okay.

1:09:13 Drew It's becoming the jewel, the gem of Central California.

1:09:16 Greg Behrendt It's the J. It is. It's the jewel of Central California.

1:09:18 Adam The jewel and crown of Central California. Kaylee? Oh, yeah. You're on the French Riviera. Go ahead, Kaylee. So you got in a car accident. What happened?

1:09:28 Greg Behrendt Well, I went into the hospital and they found out that I had compressed a disc in my back. And since then, I can't masturbate or have sex because every time I have an orgasm, it pops the vertebrae and it hurts excruciatingly.

1:09:44 Drew That would not stop a man.

1:09:47 Greg Behrendt And I was wondering if there was anything I could do about it.

1:09:49 Adam Listen, if both knees came out of socket every time you had an orgasm, you still beat off three times a day.

1:09:54 Greg Behrendt You'd actually feel good about it. You'd say, look what I can do.

1:09:57 Greg Behrendt A girl's got to get her groove on. I don't want to be a nun for the rest of my life.

1:10:03 Adam Yeah. You a big gal, Kaylee?

1:10:05 Greg Behrendt No, I'm not. Really?

1:10:06 Adam Because Kaylee's a big gal name. I don't know why. All right. So meth head, huh?

1:10:13 Greg Behrendt I'm a redhead. Does that mean anything?

1:10:15 Adam You skinny?

1:10:17 Greg Behrendt I'm not skinny, but I'm not fat either.

1:10:19 Adam What are you coming in at weight wise?

1:10:22 Greg Behrendt The Leptwitz, but not fat.

1:10:24 Adam What are you coming in weight wise?

1:10:25 Greg Behrendt About 150.

1:10:27 Adam Oh, that's it? How tall are you?

1:10:30 Greg Behrendt Five foot 11.

1:10:31 Adam Oh, that's nothing. On this show, we have chicks calling us like 275 and they're like, I got some curves. Black guys love me.

1:10:41 Greg Behrendt It's all upstairs.

1:10:42 Adam Oh, big rack, huh?

1:10:45 Greg Behrendt Uh-huh.

1:10:45 Adam I like that. All right.

1:10:48 Drew Well, have you talked to an orthopedist or a neurosurgeon about this?

1:10:52 Greg Behrendt I'm seeing a chiropractor right now and he pops it back in every week, but I just can't see going through.

1:11:02 Adam Okay.

1:11:02 Drew Well, there's no popping in and out. I don't know what this is, but unless you have a-

1:11:07 Greg Behrendt No, I get realigned twice a week.

1:11:09 Drew Yeah. A realignment is not a popping in procedure unless you have a facet syndrome. Have you seen an orthopedist?

1:11:18 Greg Behrendt No, it wasn't broken.

1:11:21 Drew You need to see an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in back or a neurosurgeon and you need to discuss with that doctor the fact that you have pain with sexual intercourse.

1:11:29 Adam Are you able to work?

1:11:31 Greg Behrendt No.

1:11:31 Drew You probably would have benefited from some physical therapy, but the popping in and out concept you have is not real. It's not as though when you're having sex.

1:11:41 Greg Behrendt You know how a joint pops?

1:11:43 Drew I understand there's a cracking sound of what not in that trigger's pain and you might have a facet syndrome and sometimes a little cortisone right in that facet.

1:11:48 Adam Let me do a little dig in. First of all, I'm confused. Are you unable to work because of the accident or because you live in Bakersfield and they just don't allow people to work? Because of the accident. They had a policy there against folks getting jobs.

1:12:01 Drew Why wouldn't you be able to work if you're not having pain except when you're having sex?

1:12:04 Greg Behrendt Because they have pain at other times too.

1:12:09 Greg Behrendt Like when you have to go to work.

1:12:10 Greg Behrendt Right.

1:12:10 Adam Like when the alarm goes off.

1:12:12 Greg Behrendt No.

1:12:13 Adam Here's the thing. What do you have a type of work that you did before the accident?

1:12:18 Greg Behrendt I teach.

1:12:19 Adam You teach?

1:12:20 Greg Behrendt Yes.

1:12:21 Adam Okay. Here's the thing. Are you on any pain medication?

1:12:27 Greg Behrendt No, no. Not at the current time.

1:12:29 Adam Good. And do you have plans to go back to work?

1:12:32 Greg Behrendt As soon as I can sit comfortably for more than an hour. It's in the thoracic lumbar junction is what they tell me.

1:12:39 Drew Yeah. You need to get some proper treatment, Kelly. You don't even know what you're dealing with here. This doesn't have a name yet. It has a location. But exactly what the anatomy is needs to be sorted out. And you need a specific plan of action.

1:12:49 Adam Ever molested, dead and alcoholic, any good stuff like that?

1:12:53 Drew Yes.

1:12:57 Greg Behrendt No.

1:12:58 Adam Nothing? There's got to be a reason you're in Bakersfield.

1:13:02 Greg Behrendt I went to college there because it was close to where my parents lived and decided to stay.

1:13:07 Adam All right. All right.

1:13:08 Drew Look, get a proper care.

1:13:10 Adam And by the way, here's the thing about a chiropractor as I've learned later in life.

1:13:14 Drew I don't problem with chiropractor care, but nothing better. You need to diagnose this first.

1:13:18 Adam Nothing a good massage can't do. Here's the deal. Here is the deal. You could spend a hundred bucks at the chiropractor, get adjusted for five minutes or you could give that hundred bucks to a masseuse and get a nice rub out. You know what I mean? Just rub one out. Just get in. No, I'm not talking about sexual, but I mean, just really get in there, work it out. The thing about the chiropractor is they get a lot of mileage out of the cracking noises that go on in your body. And here's the whole thing. Do that thing. They crack. I've been to chiropractor a hundred times. You feel good for about ten minutes and then you're back to wherever you are. I really, I don't find them to be that therapeutic.

1:13:53 Greg Behrendt Is that just the release of air in the joints or something? It's not like a, yeah.

1:13:57 Adam It doesn't actually do anything, I figured out. As much as you cracking your knuckles makes your hands feel better. You know what I mean? Why should it? But that's the whole thing. It's like, they're like, oh, what do we got here? Crack. Oh, you see. You see. Like all of a sudden, the cancer came flying out of your mouth. So what, Weisenheimer? You cracked my back. I cracked my knuckle. I cracked my dick.

1:14:18 Greg Behrendt So good to get rid of that cancer. Thank you.

1:14:20 Adam Yeah. You're allowed to say that?

1:14:22 Drew Yeah.

1:14:22 Adam All right. Well, there's my point.

1:14:24 Drew Crack your penis.

1:14:25 Adam My penis. My point is, I love the chiropractor's look of that one. Here's what's good. Take a nice hot tub, nice sauna, and get a nice rub down. Spend your 100 bucks. Go to a place. You know what I mean? Much better. All right. Let's take ourselves a break. Drew, what do we got to do?

1:14:43 Drew We're going to go pee.

1:14:44 Adam We're going to pee?

1:14:45 Drew We got to go pee now.

1:14:50 Adam Greg Behrendt is here tonight. He's the author of He's Just Not That Into You. Take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Loveline, we'll be right back. Get the scope, get the technology, do everything. Now, it's all of a sudden, I'm the man's best friend. Before, the man's trying to poison me.

1:15:13 Drew But then, they'll fight issue with the man as they start getting worried.

1:15:15 Adam Yeah, yeah. Big strong companies. Aaron, let's check for us. Yeah, everybody. It's Loveline. I'm Adam. That's Dr. Drew. Bobby Brown, allegedly coming in here tomorrow night.

1:15:27 Drew I'm here and he'll be in. I heard him talking tonight about pulling a turd out of his wife's tush.

1:15:33 Adam Yes. I saw the show.

1:15:35 Greg Behrendt They love each other. That's what that's all about.

1:15:41 Drew There it is.

1:15:41 Greg Behrendt Better or worse.

1:15:42 Adam Yeah. Bobby, I saw his show last week and oh boy. Look out. Yeah. I'm not so sure he's going to be in here. We'll see.

1:15:53 Drew We'll see.

1:15:54 Adam Anyway.

1:15:55 Greg Behrendt Didn't he run into the Dalai Lama?

1:15:57 Adam Yeah, he did.

1:15:57 Drew He what?

1:15:58 Greg Behrendt He ran into the Dalai Lama on the street and he said, I'm Bobby Brown, I'm Whitney Houston's husband. So that would be a reference point for the Dalai Lama.

1:16:07 Adam Pretty big bodyguard fan.

1:16:08 Drew He's going to be on Jimmy's show tomorrow night, so Jimmy's going to shepherd him over here, shuttle him over here.

1:16:15 Adam We're going to have to tape him to a refrigerator Dalai, like Hannibal Lecter and drag him behind Jimmy's car over here. All right. So Bobby Brown, looking forward to that tomorrow night. Bobby Brown in here and Greg Behrendt in here tonight. He is the author of He's Just Not That Into You. And he's also going to be at the Irvine Improv this week, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Let's talk to Zoe, who's 21. Zoe?

1:16:47 Caller Hi.

1:16:47 Adam What's up?

1:16:49 Caller Well, so I was diagnosed, I had an abnormal pap smear and then what it found out I have mild cervical dysplasia, so which means I have HPV.

1:17:01 Drew Right.

1:17:02 Caller And I had a boyfriend at the time and we.

1:17:04 Adam Oh, does mild cervical dysplasia mean you have HPV? And you have warts?

1:17:08 Drew Yeah. Why? That's where that comes from.

1:17:10 Caller I never had any warts. I just had an abnormal pap smear, which is.

1:17:15 Adam Oh, well that.

1:17:15 Drew Which is a sign of the virus. Right.

1:17:17 Adam What's dysplasia? Don't German shepherds get that, too?

1:17:20 Drew No, that's a different thing. Dysplasia just means abnormal nuclear, the nucleus of the cells look abnormal. They look cancerous, basically.

1:17:29 Adam This is dysplasia that dogs get in their hips.

1:17:31 Greg Behrendt Hip dysplasia.

1:17:32 Drew Yeah, it's a different thing. It's a mechanical thing.

1:17:34 Adam What do they call it dysplasia? Dysplasia just means abnormal?

1:17:38 Drew Let's all look it up during the break. Dysplasia usually means a pathologic.

1:17:43 Adam Let's ask our recent college grad to look it up. Yeah.

1:17:47 Drew Just go to dictionary doctor. I'd spell it. D-Y-S.

1:17:50 Adam Yeah.

1:17:51 Drew Dysplasia, look it up on the internet.

1:17:53 Caller Yeah, I'm a recent college grad, so I was looking up everything and yeah.

1:17:57 Drew It's really this plastic is the thing. It's abnormal plasticity, abnormal growth.

1:18:02 Adam I see. All right, Zoe, go ahead.

1:18:06 Caller Well, I had a boyfriend at the time and I mean, I guess it basically means he had it too. Right. I don't know who gave it to who or whatever.

1:18:13 Drew Okay.

1:18:15 Caller Now, I'm dating a girl and I was wondering how contagious it is between women.

1:18:23 Adam Very interesting question.

1:18:24 Drew Very interesting question. You need to have your own dedicated-

1:18:28 Adam This is the warts, she's asking.

1:18:30 Drew If you share-

1:18:32 Caller I never had any warts.

1:18:33 Adam You never had a breakout.

1:18:35 Drew If you share- No, you don't.

1:18:37 Adam Just quiet.

1:18:37 Caller It's like a strain of HPV that doesn't have the warts.

1:18:40 Adam We understand. You're not a leper.

1:18:42 Drew Right.

1:18:42 Adam Yeah. Your vagina is still polluted in my book. But go ahead. I'm just kidding.

1:18:47 Drew You're highly contagious. You can't share toys or anything like that. Any contact of body fluid at the genital level will result in transmission.

1:18:58 Adam But oral?

1:18:59 Drew Oral should be okay.

1:19:01 Adam Yeah. Hey.

1:19:02 Drew Though there's some question.

1:19:03 Adam Zoe, what are you guys doing physically? What's the regimen?

1:19:08 Caller Well, I haven't shared any toys, but we have had oral sex a lot.

1:19:16 Adam You have a lot of oral?

1:19:17 Caller As far as I knew, I haven't told her.

1:19:23 Adam Yeah.

1:19:24 Drew Okay. She probably has it too.

1:19:26 Adam Well, here's the thing. It is not as big a faux pas for a woman not to say it than it is for a guy or a girl, because that's surely going to be transferred. Right. For a woman, as long as you guys don't have anything that has two ends on it, and sort of a stick shift in the middle. You know what I mean? It looks like a baton, like a police, you know, a policeman. Got it. Yeah. As long as you don't have anything like that, you'll probably be all right, but you should still discuss this with her. Huh? Inside of you. Yeah.

1:20:00 Greg Behrendt Only down there.

1:20:01 Drew Good times.

1:20:01 Adam Yeah. Doesn't do anything like in your mouth.

1:20:05 Drew All right. Let's finish this call. Are you on the birth control pill?

1:20:08 Caller No. I'm on a patch.

1:20:10 Drew Patch. Well, sometimes-

1:20:12 Adam Quiet. You want to finish it?

1:20:13 Drew It's so easy.

1:20:14 Adam Is it?

1:20:15 Drew Yeah.

1:20:15 Adam Easy for you, but not for the millions of people listening at home.

1:20:19 Drew We'll go back.

1:20:19 Adam And it work. All right.

1:20:21 Drew We'll go back.

1:20:22 Adam We'll take ourselves a quick break. We'll be right back with Sheena after this.

1:20:27 Caller Loveline. Okay. Wait. My hair.

1:20:31 Adam We'll be right back. I don't fall for it anyway. I just sit up. Yeah. It's so ungratifying and unsatisfying to bring it up. Didn't get into me. Hey, everybody. Loveline.

1:20:54 Drew Phone number 1-800-LOVE-191. And those of you listening on the East Coast, don't forget Strictly Sex on the Discovery Health Channel tonight at midnight.

1:21:02 Adam Excellent program. Greg Behrendt.

1:21:04 Drew I wish that were the case.

1:21:05 Adam That's an excellent program.

1:21:06 Drew The cash register.

1:21:07 Adam Oh, right. Well, you can get change out of there, can't you?

1:21:13 Drew Yeah, yeah. I'm looking at the cash register.

1:21:16 Adam Yeah, right here. Yeah, I'm the cash register. Literally a millionaire, Greg. Literally. Literally. He's Just Not That Into You, the name of Greg's book and bestseller list. New York Times, Wall Street Journal, also USA Today. Sheena, who we were speaking of and speaking to earlier, has a little burn. Sheena?

1:21:39 Drew Yes.

1:21:41 Adam You're, and Bobby Brown in here allegedly tomorrow night, you feel a little burning sensation when your boyfriend orgasms after sex?

1:21:52 Greg Behrendt It feels like more than just a burning sensation.

1:21:55 Drew All right. And that is a function of inflammation of the lining of the vagina. It's not as though there's something wrong with his semen. People always call us and go, oh, I must be allergic. No. There's something going on. Either you have a yeast infection or you have a vaginitis, or, and this is something that's often not thought of, you have an estrogen deficiency, perhaps caused by your contraceptive pill. That people have a progesterone-estrogen combination, the progesterone may be sort of inhibiting or affecting the estrogenization of the vaginal lining. And sometimes there's something called vagifam that's sort of this estrogen tablet you can stick in once a week. Oh, vagifam, yeah.

1:22:35 Adam They really need the fem part of the vag?

1:22:37 Drew Yeah, of course.

1:22:39 Adam Let me ask you this, Drew.

1:22:40 Greg Behrendt See now, and I was gonna say, he's just not that into you, which is another way of letting, yeah, if his sperm burns, he's letting you know.

1:22:47 Drew If only there was that kind of biological sort of message.

1:22:50 Adam It'd be awesome, yeah.

1:22:51 Greg Behrendt It's actually just the wrong answer.

1:22:53 Drew You can't hide it.

1:22:53 Adam Yeah, let me see him into my talk, sweetie. Here we go.

1:22:57 Greg Behrendt What about, I think that should tell you everything.

1:23:00 Adam What about, where does sperm or semen or the fluid, where does it rank on the pH balance level? Saline solution being a zero and just vinegar being a 10.

1:23:15 Drew Yeah.

1:23:15 Adam You know what I mean?

1:23:16 Drew It's much closer to saline, I believe.

1:23:19 Adam But on the other hand, you don't want to get it in your eyes. For other reasons, you know what I'm saying?

1:23:25 Drew Yeah, I know what you're saying. I'm trying to think it through.

1:23:26 Adam I mean, someone flicks you with a little saline solution. In the eye, it's nothing you can hit with a little lemon juice. It stings. I think if you get hit with semen in the eye, I think it stings.

1:23:34 Drew We could check. I do think it's a little acidic.

1:23:36 Adam Chris, does it hurt when you get hit?

1:23:38 Drew What does dysplasia mean, by the way?

1:23:41 Caller Dysplasia means abnormal...

1:23:43 Drew Cells. No kidding.

1:23:44 Caller Abnormal development or growth of tissues, organs, or cells.

1:23:48 Adam All right. That's all that means. And what about the semen question? Don't duck, literally, the semen question.

1:23:54 Drew No, no. Right now, don't duck.

1:23:56 Adam Yeah. Yeah, so, you know, it stings people's eyes if it hits you in the eye, right?

1:24:01 Drew I don't know that, but it sounds like you've had some experience, so I'm going with it.

1:24:05 Adam I've seen enough porn to know that it's just... You know, there's some linting there.

1:24:09 Drew I think the pH is a little below saline, but I don't know that for a fact, so we can look that up.

1:24:13 Adam Yeah. You know really screwed porn for chicks? The first one that did the facial. You know what I mean? Because that opened the floodgates. It's now, all right, now this is the way they're all going.

1:24:22 Greg Behrendt It was industry standard.

1:24:24 Adam Right. There was a chick in 1968 who got high enough to agree to, because before that it was enough that they were just doing porn. You know what I mean? Like, hey, you know, in the 50s, you know, like, hey, we'd like to film you guys having sex. That was a tall enough order. At some point, some chick, they said to her, look, he's going to need to finish on your head. And every other chick up until that point was like, are you crazy? I have, you know, I may not have high more values, but I have my day. I'll get my agent on the phone. All that. And eventually one chick went, yeah, all right, give me an extra 10 bucks. I'll do that. And now that's it. It became the standard. This is what the NRA is worried about, by the way.

1:25:08 Drew Of course. Yeah, you take away the banana clips and-

1:25:10 Adam And all of a sudden they want your sporks.

1:25:13 Drew Right.

1:25:13 Adam Right? It's slippery slope.

1:25:14 Drew Yes.

1:25:15 Adam Slippery semen-covered slope.

1:25:17 Drew Here's my question.

1:25:17 Adam That's the name of the new-

1:25:18 Drew What's this going to look like in 50 years?

1:25:21 Adam What's what going to look like? The porn? Finishing on the head?

1:25:24 Drew Well, what's next? Where are you guys going?

1:25:26 Adam Oh, where are we going? Oh, I got it planned out. I should show you my plan.

1:25:31 Drew Oh, no.

1:25:31 Adam I got a diorama on my belt. I should show that to you.

1:25:35 Drew We're just sitting on a toilet and everything goes around. Here is porn.

1:25:39 Adam The year is 2000. It's a little muddy. The video is a temp video. I'm still working on that.

1:25:45 Drew Of course.

1:25:46 Adam Yeah, it's going to be awesome, Drew.

1:25:48 Drew The number here is 1-800-LOVE-191. Is there a part of the future? Or is just the technology going to change? Are the other behaviors going to evolve?

1:25:57 Adam I don't know. I imagine it'll take a turn for like, remember whenever things start to spin out, like when the hippie movement, when the bell bottoms, when the sort of guys with long hair and holes in their jeans and chicks got grungy enough, like not wearing makeup, and just everyone grew their hair out and everything. Eventually, there was a preppy trend.

1:26:20 Drew Oh, right.

1:26:21 Adam Eventually, it swung back.

1:26:23 Drew So we're going to go to some more traditional kinds of...

1:26:26 Adam Well, it's interesting, guys in sailor outfits, chicks with their hair up in bouffants. I'm just saying, what ended up happening is when we got to our grungius in like 1977, 78, when things really just... People just started wearing ponchos and boots around and no one got a haircut and everyone just looked like a flea bag. So eventually, that led way to polo shirts and penny loafers and makeup and pearls. Women started wearing pearls. Yes. You know what I'm talking about?

1:26:58 Drew Yes.

1:26:59 Adam Also, no, guys look like guys from 50s instructional videos.

1:27:03 Drew Right. We're going to do that with the porn.

1:27:06 Greg Behrendt So porn is going to go back to women wearing pearls?

1:27:09 Adam I think what happened... In a way...

1:27:12 Drew Oh, boy.

1:27:13 Adam No, what ends up happening is when stuff spins out far enough, here's what it is. It's always about rebellion.

1:27:22 Drew Yeah, but this seems like something so animalistic that it's out of control.

1:27:27 Adam Maybe, but again, getting back to the preppy vs. hippie, what is... When everyone's got a beard down to their knees and hair down to here and wearing jeans with a thousand holes in it, rebellion is a short haircut.

1:27:41 Drew Right, right.

1:27:42 Adam You know, when this becomes the norm, then whatever isn't the norm becomes rebellion.

1:27:47 Drew Right, right.

1:27:47 Greg Behrendt Do you think they'll create a whole line of new porn where people never actually have sex? It'll go the complete opposite thing, where two people will go, will just be people on camera with the potential of having sex but never get to it.

1:27:59 Adam No, I think the guys are going to finish on themselves.

1:28:04 Caller Or maybe it'll be...

1:28:07 Greg Behrendt Or it's guys watching porn, your porn is guys watching porn. Oh, oh, oh, it's a guy...

1:28:16 Adam seductive.

1:28:17 Drew Commentary on the state of humanity.

1:28:19 Adam It's always nice when the guys are doing the double porn. You know, and they're trying to do... Well, it's two guys on a chick.

1:28:25 Drew All right.

1:28:26 Adam And they're trying to finish off... First off, that timing. Talk about amazing.

1:28:32 Caller You know what I mean?

1:28:34 Adam Trying to sink my scrotum up.

1:28:36 Greg Behrendt And those guys don't get the credit they deserve. It's like a dance.

1:28:40 Adam They just don't get the credit they deserve. There's two of you, you're over the same chick and you're trying to crescendo at the same time. Now, here's the thing, your job is to finish at the same time. You're staring down the business end of Ron Jeremy, who also has the same goal. You know what I'm saying?

1:28:57 Drew Yeah, I hear you.

1:28:58 Adam Once in a while, there's a little rogue shot that makes it on to the other guy. That's where I would need my money.

1:29:06 Drew Anderson, come on.

1:29:06 Adam That's where I would need my money.

1:29:07 Drew There should be insurance for that.

1:29:14 Adam That would be an interesting thing. You remember at the airport?

1:29:17 Drew Yeah, you take out a little travel insurance.

1:29:19 Adam Yeah, you do that for porn insurance.

1:29:21 Drew Yeah.

1:29:22 Adam Yeah. Of course, they'd have to do a little DNA swab thing just to make sure you weren't trying to build the system. All right. Let's take ourselves a little break. We'll be right back after this.

1:29:49 Caller 1-800-LOVE-191.

1:30:08 Adam Well, that's the night, that's the show. Bobby Brown, theoretically, in here tomorrow night. Let's just assume he's gonna be here until told otherwise. He's doing Kimmel, and Kimmel will do his best to get him over here. So, Bobby, tomorrow night. Greg, thanks for coming in tonight. I'll give you a quick plug for Greg. He doesn't need the book plug, but July 7th through the 10th, that's Thursday through Sunday, at the Irvine Improv. Check him out, doing his stand up all this week, Thursday on. Thanks, Greg. Appreciate it. And until next time, this is Adam Corolla for Dr. Drew saying, mahalo.

1:30:46 Caller This has been Loveline.

1:30:50 Adam The opinions expressed on this show are not necessarily those of the staff, management, sponsors, or this station. The producer for Loveline is Annie Gold. Loveline is a presentation of Westwood One Entertainment.

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Tuesday, July 5, 2005